Tuesday, 31 May 2016


I can't even read yesterday's post without crying, so I'm going to change the subject and go back to something distracting again.

Mosquito bites.

I've been whining about them for a while now here, but man, it is not fun to be my skin right now.  I've always had bad reactions to bug bites (it was one of the reasons my Mom used to use to say we couldn't have a dog... that I reacted too strongly to bites) and they tend to itch a lot and for a long time.  I mean, you tell me, how long do your mosquito bites last for?  How long do you notice them?  Have to resist scratching them?  For me?  It's a week or more.  I'll wake up at night scratching even.  And yes, I've tried all sorts of things and creams and lotions.  I even took a benedryl this weekend because I have so many bites bugging me on that one leg.  It helped a bit, but I could also feel when it left my system and didn't feel like loading myself up again.

A few of the bites I've accidentally scratched too much and now they're owie and itchy.

And that mosquito that showed up in my living room the other night showed up again (I'm assuming it's the same one!) and I don't know if I got it or not because I smacked it, but never found a body.

And, yes, for what it's worth, I have screens on my windows, but this is an older building so there are gaps, and mosquitos and ants and other things find their way through the holes when they're determined enough.

Someone else who is a "tastes good to mosquitos" person told me that they've noticed it's especially bad and early this year.  I don't know.  I just want to not itch and not get bitten anymore, so I guess I hope that whatever it is that's making them be alive right now stops and/or that I stop going to places where they find me to bite me.  AND that I find some kind of itch stopper that works.  Anyone tried the heat-zapper-light-whatever it is tool for bites?  I'm tempted to give one a try but as I said, I rarely know when the bite happens and I think I read they have to be applied immediately post bite.

Monday, 30 May 2016

Like Boots Or Hearts

I know at least a handful of you who read here are Canadian, so what I'm about to say won't be news to you, but for the rest of you who might not know, just about a week ago, one of the most iconic Canadian bands announced that their lead singer has terminal brain cancer and that they will be doing one last, short tour, a month long, in July, to say goodbye.

This was so hard to wake up to, and I haven't been able to stop the tears since I first heard.

The Tragically Hip are not a band for everyone, I don't know that there really is music that is, to be honest, but most of us know the Hip, and for many of us they are the most Canadian of bands.  I've always said that I didn't care that the Hip never made it big elsewhere, that they were our band and that's all that mattered.  In some ways, they felt like our best kept secret.  Canada's band.

The Hip formed in the 80s, so for so many of us, they've always been around.  I remember one album that came out when I was in high school and the whole mood of a party would change when someone put it on.  The Hip's songs talk about Canada... Canadian stories, Canadian images, Canadian... history.  You may not like the Hip, but you can probably sing along to at least a couple of their songs.

I have seen them in concert every time I was able.  To be honest, I don't even know how many times that is.  I sit here right now telling you that it is not enough.  I have not seen them enough to be ready to know I won't see them play together anymore.

The Hip were in town here not all that long ago, and it was an anniversary tour for one of their best known albums and they played the album from start to finish and I only wish I could describe what it's like to be in a concert full of people singing along to songs we all know inside out and that have personal meaning to us all.

Sure, I have some albums I like better than others, but I still own them all, and have pre-ordered their latest... and now last.  I love these guys.  I love them.  For better or for worse, I am a Tragically Hip fan, and they have been part of my growing up, as trite as that may sound to say.

And then there's Gord.

Gord Downie is the lead singer, and Gord Downie is a performance beast.  I said to someone at some point that Gord Downie is my performance spirit animal.  He just gives it.  He is there, fully (and yes, I will say fully, completely just for the Hip fans out there) and doesn't seem to give a flying fuck what he looks like, he just wants to deliver.

Gord performs how I want to live.

And now Gord Downie is dying.

I know, I know, we all are.  We are all dying, and we have already lost some wonderful, talented musicians already this year, all this I know.  But something about this one is hitting me harder.

Maybe it's harder to know than for it to be a surprise.

Maybe it's harder because I have a personal connection to Mr Downie, that I didn't with Prince, or David Bowie, or the like.  Gord Downie sang through me... to me... made me feel and ache and be proud of the country I grew up in.  And he, like many many others, famous and not, is leaving too soon.

And not only that, he is telling us.  They told us.  And they're going out for one last tour.  I can't imagine.  I can't imagine being them.  Being him.  Being his family.  I'm not even handling this well and I'm "just" a fan.

When I heard the news, I was broken hearted.

When I heard there would be a final tour, I was confused.  Part of me doesn't want to go.  Doesn't want to go and watch one of my favourite bands knowing it will be the last time, and knowing the reason why.

Jason says I need to go to give thanks.  To show my gratitude to Gord and the band for everything they've given me... and us.  I'm trying to look at it that way.

I felt similarly when my friend's Dad (my "Pa") came to say goodbye when his cancer came back and was terminal.  It's hard to sit with someone knowing it's the final time you will see them.  Death is a shock much of the time, but to know it is happening is a difficult thing to go through.

I want to write him a letter.  I want to tell him everything he and his lyrics and his performances have meant to me, but I don't have the words.  I'm choked up even writing this and this isn't even getting across all that I'm feeling.

I haven't talked about any of the other deaths that have hit lately, I usually just mourn in my own way and keep things light enough here.  But this one... this one has hit me hard.  I don't know many it hasn't, to be honest, and, well... I don't know what to do other than remind myself it's ok to be upset, and that as hard as it might feel for me right now, it's much much harder for the band and their families and man... cancer sucks.

I love the Hip.  I always have, I always will.  I hope this tour is a joyful experience for them all and that Gord and the boys feel the love we all have for them.  I hope his passing, when it comes, is peaceful and as comfortable as it can be.

I hope the breaks in my heart heal and that some day I can listen to the Hip again without tears.

Thank you Gord, thank you boys.  Thank you to the Tragically Hip for being so much more than a band and for defining what it means to be a Canadian.

I have not made it through this without tears.  I send a hug out to any of you who may be feeling the same way.

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Ok, Seriously

Sitting here innocently on my couch and what do I see out of the corner of my eye but a damn mosquito.

I try to get it, but it flies into a corner I can't reach and when I get something I can get it with, it flies away and is now SOMEWHERE in my apartment and I DON'T KNOW WHERE!

I can't see it, I can't hear it, but I really really really really really don't want more bites :(

Thursday, 26 May 2016


Went to bed last night with a bite or two, woke up this morning and discovered five!  SOMETHING GOT MY RIGHT LEG!!!!

I really, really, really would appreciate it if mosquitos and things would stop biting me and making me itch this bad.  Please, please, please????

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Sorry, Hang On

Sorry, got bumped around a bit this weekend... a tv show that broke me, then a family gathering to celebrate a big event, then a friend who was hurting and needed some support, then a two thirty wakeup by the police outside my window dealing with bad guys and then the news, yesterday morning, that a musical icon and love of mine has a terminal illness.

I just need to sit for a minute here, so posting is on the back burner...  Just need a breath.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016


My love of long weekends is nearly matched by the confusion of why the short week following often seems extra long.


Friday, 20 May 2016

Chompy McChomperson

I got absolutely chewed up by a mosquito (I'm guessing) at some point here.

Frustratingly, I have no idea when.  Woke up noticing a bite yesterday morning and by the time I had my socks on, I had found 5 bites.  By lunch, another two.

And then last night, even though I put on whatever "works for sure" cream, I woke myself up scratching my foot against my bed.  *whimpers*

So I have no idea when it, or they, got to me... if it was overnight, or that morning, or days ago, on the beach, in someone's house, in my room even?   I... ugh.

And so itchy.  So.

Why'd I gotta taste so good to bitey itchy things?  Argh!

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Ramble, Ramble, Babble

I brought up zombies the other day, and now I'm totally stuck on one particular thought.  Yes, I've read a few different zombie novels and seen a show or two, but the one particular show I'm watching right now is meant to be a "start of the bad times" show and I'm realizing it's still failed to tell me HOW things all started... just that they did.

So, I mean, ok, according to this show only, is what I'm going on here...  According to this show, if you die you turn, so basically death makes you into a zombie.  Or being bitten by a zombie makes you a zombie.  But ok, even there... is that due to the bite transmission?  Sure, we assume.  But what if you turn from the blood loss of being chewed up by the zombie... but ok, let's assume the bite transmits the bad (I'm not going to call it a virus or anything because the show hasn't addressed that - although I have some cool books that put forth their own ideas) and just plain old death does too.

But... how about the initial start.  Did all those zombies that are now going around biting, did they just spontaneously turn?  Were they all previously dead?  I'm going to assume there was some kind of spontaneous turning that happened to create... let's call it the first wave of zombies.  (And then the bitten or dying added to the initial numbers.)  So.... how come not EVERYONE turned initially?  How come people aren't spontaneously continuing to turn????  WHERE IS MY ORIGIN STORY DAMNIT!?

No, but really.  So many unanswered questions.  Which, I suppose I'm just not supposed to ask, really.

Arrrrrrrrgh, Brainssssssss!  (Except I keep saying... all zombie material suggests they moan/groan/make noise.  What if they don't?  We're all expecting them to!)

Wednesday, 18 May 2016


If you were my blue hoodie, where would you be?

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

And Theeeeeeen?

Finished my re-read book last night and am now trying to figure out what new book I should re-read.

I had a small hankering for zombie type (I have a couple of decent zombie books) but they might not work for me right now as I'm a little on the easily stressed out side right now and well, zombies = stress!  I mean, that's maybe not fair, most books have a level of stress to them but you know what I mean.  I'm not sure I'm up for high strung adventure.

I'll have to dig through my books and see what I have out.  Don't think I'm going to read the next in the series I just finished, which maybe means I can finally get rid of the box I have of alllllllll the rest of the books in that (rather long) series.  Oh, and there were at least a couple of surprises I'd forgotten about during the book, so that was a nice little treat.

Maybe I'll stay in the realm of sci-fi/fantasy, maybe Mists of Avalon or something like that.... Hmmm... lemme see what jumps out at me to be read, I may have some ideas!

Monday, 16 May 2016

I Can't Even

As I mentioned on Saturday, I now have a ticket for Burning Man this year.  Which is awesome.

Oh, and apparently it's already halfway through May.  Pardon?  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA no.

You've got to be kidding me, right?  I think not.  Still March.

Anyway, when the ticketing stuff was done last week and I got off the phone with the ticketing company (I don't feel like typing their name, they're not my favourite people right now... fix your system fools!  [you had to say that last part like Mr T by the way] ) I threw my arms up in the air and shouted YES!  And then I started crying.

Because that's a significant part of making this whole thing real for this year.

I was thinking about it, and realized I'm in this kind of weird halo type zone where Burning Man seems perfect and amazing and I just can't wait to go back!

I've talked to mothers who have given birth and they say that after a while you forget about the pain of childbirth and the absolute exhaustion of those early days and you start to think about having a kid again and that it's this weird, maybe even hormonal thing where you realize you've forgotten all the bad stuff.


That's where I am right now.  Because Burning Man is a lot of damn hard work.  It's tiring.  It's stupid hot (except for the cold nights sometimes!) It's hard on your body (mine especially.)  It's uncomfortable.  It's a long drive (let's not even talk about that for this year yet.)  It's not this amazing, glowy, perfect, easy experience!

Yet, that's how it's feeling to me right now.  It's like there's this golden hazy glow over any Burning Man thought I have right now.  It's all oooooohs and aaaaaaahs and man... I should totally go RIGHT NOW, Burning Man is so perfect and so easy!  *dreamy sigh, combined with long slow blinks*

Yeah.  No, me.  It's not.

I mean it is.  It's amazing and stuff, but easy it is not.

I can't even seem to wrap my brain around that truth right now though.

Guess it's time to have another baby, eh?*

Silly brain.... silly.
*yeah, metaphorically speaking only, yo

Saturday, 14 May 2016

And So It Goes

I felt like sharing this photo again... my first moments hitting the playa of Black Rock in August of 2013. 

Did I know this place would become such a part of my life and would help positively shape who I am?  No.  I had no idea.  All I knew was I was uncomfortably hot and wasn't sure what all I had gotten myself into.  Who knew.

Last I told you, my Burning Man adventure for this year had me not really sure about.... much.

The main ticket sale, it turns out, had some technical faults (human coding error on their end) which explains a bit why it didn't feel right at the time, but all's well that ends well and last week I completed a ticket exchange process with someone and now I have a ticket and a vehicle pass for Burning Man 2016!

By a combination of the awesomeness that can be the internet and generally good people, someone contacted me that they'd seen me on a local "ticket exchange-needed" board and was I still looking for a ticket.  Yes, yes I was!  And at that point, I only cautiously told a couple of people just in case.  I don't know just in case of what (I have good radar when it comes to trustworthiness online, knock on wood) but we sealed the deal officially this week, and I've upgraded my shipping information with the ticket company and, well, yeah.  Wow.  Much nicer than still not knowing if I'd get a ticket until last minute.

So, yay!  I have a ticket for this year, for realsies!


Friday, 13 May 2016

This Is My Proud Face

For some of you, maybe especially those of you who haven't been around here all that long, what I'm about to say may not seem like all that big of a deal.  But for me?  It felt like one, in a good, positive way.

Last weekend (two weekends ago?) I went to a workshop all by myself.

All by myself!

Jason actually told me about it because he thought it was right up my alley, but he wasn't really wanting to go and ended up working that day anyway.  I had one other friend I thought might be interested in going, but she never got back to me.

That morning rolled round and I still wanted to go.  So I got up, got ready, and headed to the place.

I'm glad I did, I enjoyed the talk, or whatever, but maybe even more than that, I did something without needing someone else to come along with me.

I didn't talk myself out of it by being scared by what ifs, I wanted to go and I did.

It maybe helped that I knew there wouldn't be much expected of me other than sitting and listening to the speaker, so it wasn't a high pressure situation like a party, and I figured that I'd rather go than regret not going.

For those of you who are maybe on the more extroverted side of things, you might be reading this with a really confused look on your face, but for me?  Kind of a big deal.  And having done it once, makes it all the more likely I'll do it again.

So yay me, pat on the back for going and just all around yay!

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Let's Do The Laundry Warp Again!*

So there's a time warp in my laundry room.

No, but really.

See, my laundry room (shared in the building) is at most, a minute away from my apartment.  And the washing machines have a timer on them.  So, every time I start a load, I walk back to my apartment and on my microwave timer, put in the number of minutes until I have to go change the load.

I think a heavy/large wash takes 39 minutes, for example, so I'll get it started, check it's actually going (sometimes the load won't start if the door hasn't been fully shut and locked, so I wait til the water actually starts running) then I head back to my apartment and set the timer for 39 minutes.

So if you add in the minute or so it takes me to hear the microwave buzzer go off, put aside whatever else I was doing, make sure I have slippers on, or whatever, it's usually a few minutes past 39 minutes that I get back down to the laundry room.

But lately?  And especially this last couple of times?  I'll get down there and there are still two or three minutes left in the cycle.

What?  How? 

So, clearly, the only explanation is that time is somehow slower in my laundry room than in my apartment. 

39 minutes of laundry room time does not equal 39+ minutes of apartment time.  More like 39 = 43.

Now, how to profit from this... that's the next step!

*It's just a spin to the right.... and then a load to the left.... you bring your stuff to the room, and put your clothes in tight... but it's the dryer buzz, it really drives you insane, let's do the laundry warp agaaaaaaain.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

And Then There Was The Time Fruit Flies Weren't

Once upon a time, one of the grocery stores here were selling these little potted plants that had magnets on the side of the pot so you could stick them on your fridge.

I impulse bought one (because so cute!) and at some point, saw that it was growing outwards in a funny way so I decided to propagate it.  (I think that's the proper term.  I wanted to say "have babies" but I didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea)

I repotted the, uh.. growing bit that I took out and, I don't know, water... somethinged?  And it continued to do well, and I felt like a really good plant momma.

A few of weeks ago, though, I noticed that there were little flies around.  Fruit flies.  UGH.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed more than a few of the fruit flies around this plant, and figured there was some kind of issue with the plant that was causing them to hatch.  Boo.

I went and got some apple cider vinegar to catch the fruit flies, and moved the plant to dry up the soil for a while, and I also ordered some aquarium gravel (someone on the internet said that flies from houseplants often are coming from the dirt and you can "smother" the larvae with the gravel.)

Two days later and none of the fruit flies had made it into the trap.  So.... clearly not fruit flies.

Some kind of gnat is the best guess the internet searches gave me, and I'm hoping that the gravel (which hasn't arrived yet, I amazon-ed it) will work and that it's the soil at fault and not the plant rotting (I sometimes have problems with plants that aren't super leafy... I, for example, have tended to kill Jades and Cacti and the like with overwatering... and this little guy's Jade-ish... but not)

So, I'm hoping that I don't have to throw my plant out or replant it in someone's garden (because it'll likely die with the change of temperature) but yeah.  Those them there fruit flies?  Weren't.

Le sigh.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

That Time Pizza Made Me Cry

Jason and I had a busy stressful shoot Friday and were both exhausted and kind of grumpy Saturday.

Around lunch time he texted me and mentioned that he'd woken up craving deep dish pizza.  We talked about pizza for a while and he said that there was a place in town he knew of that did slices and gluten free too.  I checked their online menu to make sure they had gluten free and told him I'd pick up a couple of slices and head over to his place for a chill lunch.

I figured we both deserved it and it'd be nice to sit in the sun and talk about the shoot.

I got to the place and chose the slices for Jason and asked the guy there if they had any gluten free slices.

No.  They didn't.  Gluten free has to be special ordered.

And for whatever reason, in that moment, it hit me really really hard and I paid, left, and started to cry.

Not eating certain things by choice is one thing, but to have the choice taken away from you because of an allergy or an illness, well, it makes these little life moments that much harder.  You can't just go and grab a couple of slices of pizza to go sit and eat with your friend.  Not having that one, small, simple choice, in that moment, hurt.

I know this isn't really a problem and I know I'm lucky to live the life I do.

It just made me sad not to be able to do this one simple thing.  Breaking bread with someone can be a powerful thing; a bonding thing.  It's just not quite that simple for me, and sometimes that's hard.

Monday, 9 May 2016

It's Spreading!

So I know at least one of you will be as fascinated by this as I was.  (This one's for you Jason L!)

To be honest, I haven't been paying all that much attention to the banana tree, which could mean that there haven't been many banana peels lately, or that I just keep forgetting when I'm in that area, or that someone's cleaning them up or that the banana... peel leaver has moved on.  Or something.

So imagine my surprise when I was walking home from the store and I noticed, in the shade of a big tree in front of my very own building.... BANANA!!!!!!

Yes, I stopped and took a photo (with my phone... even if it made me look crazy!) and no, I couldn't get one that was better exposed because I didn't want to touch the evidence!

Now, just to throw a loop in things here... this was not just a peel.  There was still banana in this banana.

But it had, at least, been started.  (Unless that was done by an animal post drop.)

Is the banana peel leaver losing their taste for banana peel dropping?  Do they feel they're being watched and have to change their timing?  Did they get caught eating this banana and have to drop and run?  OH MY... COULD THE BANANA PEEL DROPPER ACTUALLY LIVE IN MY BUILDING??????

You can imagine the glee I felt when I saw this (and the giggle in my head when I thought "oh man, Jason L will love this!") but please, someone stop me if it comes to a point where I start to suggest stakeouts or dash cams attached to trees or anything.

But yes.  Banana.  Right outside my very door.

Almost as if they knew.

(Looks around...adjusts tinfoil hat...)

Updated to add:  I did go for a walk after I wrote this yesterday and saw a very old black one at the base of a tree that may or may not be the usual tree....

Saturday, 7 May 2016


I, apparently, do not like standing up for myself.

It makes me feel so uncomfortable and like the entire world is going to collapse around me and the other people involved are going to dislike me and not want to be part of my life anymore.  It sucks.

A lot.

And I do not like it.

Nothing about it feels good, not the lead up to it, not the doing of it, not the afterwards.

Friday, 6 May 2016

The Other Thought

I remembered the other thing I forgot yesterday.

And then I forgot it again and then remembered it again and forgot it again so I'm writing it down now while I hopefully remember.

But, yeah, it was another thing that was said to me that really blew my mind and made me realize I kind of had to change everything.

Well, ok, I didn't *have* to, but I may as well.

I was talking about how I've always constantly, in that people pleaser way, tried to do what I think people want, or need so that they'll maybe not judge me.  Or will like me.  I don't really remember the entire conversation anymore, but the gist of it was how I'm always bending over backwards to do what will make people judge me in the most positive way.  Or something like that.  Because the thing that was said to me was basically that I'm being judged anyway.

That if I force myself to be a certain way or do certain things or behave in certain ways, that I will still be being judged for that.

That maybe people will be judging me for being "so compliant" or wondering why I'm always "so nice" or whatever, the point wasn't what they might be saying, but the idea that even if I try really really hard to please, there will still be those that aren't.  And those that are judging.  And so it becomes somewhat pointless.  And the idea is then that if I'm living in this fear of being judged, or being not liked, really, then I may as well live in a way that feels good to me since I'll at least then be enjoying myself and my life and living as happily as I can.... rather than living a life for others and then feeling like they're not even really that happy anyway.

I don't know, I'm not putting the words down properly, but I just... it blew my mind to realize or to hear that I could be being "perfect" (whatever that looks like) and I would still be being judged.


May as well make myself happy and be in integrity with myself and learn to be ok with not being liked, or judged "negatively" or whatever.

I don't know, I'm still sort of trying to sort through it in my head.

It's a lot.  That I know for sure.

Thursday, 5 May 2016


I'm going through a lot of existential angst growth and thinking right now.

(My Mom would like me to know that it's a mid life crisis and it could be worse... gee, thanks Mom, I like to think I'm a few years (or decades!) away from my mid life but ok...)

But a couple of big ones recently have shaken me up.  In a good way, really, but still... shaken.

One was when the therapist/counsellor I'm seeing gave me a suggestion that was utterly ridiculous.  To me anyway.  Sure, he may have been trying some technique or other but I left there and was struck by this realization that really, when it comes right down to it, I'm the expert in my life.  I know what's best for me.  Not what other people think, or what an expert might suggest; they don't live with me, in my head and my world 24/7. 

Sure, that can be an empowering thought, but right now it's more just along the lines of overwhelming and somewhat disturbing, because really... that means *I* have to figure it all out.


The other one was just as powerful, but since I've started typing this I've completely forgotten it so uh, yeah.  Yay brain!

More if and when it comes back to me.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016


I've found myself lately thinking that I wish I could hate people.

Specifically... Max.

It's fairly exhausting to be angry or feel anger or dislike towards someone and then hear yourself telling yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt.  To then defend them.  To feel and think and consider both sides of a person is, at least right now, very very tiring.

It feels like it would be easier if I could just hate him.  If I could just flat out say he was this, or that or he gone done me wrong and I put him from my life completely, ick, horror, bad!

But I can't.

And it makes me tired.

So I feel like things might be a whole lot easier if I could just stop seeing the good in people.

Especially those who've hurt me or who seem to hate me for their own, not necessarily understood reasons.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016


In the vein of "well, they certainly haven't made anything worse" (like other stuff that not everyone believes works) my acupuncturists (because I have two now, it's a long story, but all's well that ends well!) have started putting what I call "buttons" on me!

I'd never had these before, but have seen them in another friend of mine who's been going to acupuncture a lot longer than I have and my basic understanding is that they stimulate or allow you to stimulate an acupuncture point longer than just the session you go to.

There are two types that the two practitioners use; one a little needle like thing on a mini bandaid (I call these my buttons and think it's hilarious to ask a friend if they'd like to "push my button"! because hey, if it makes me laugh and no one else, I'm still amused!) and the other is a little seed like thing under a mini piece of tape. 

The seed ones, the lady puts on my ear after poking a few spots and asking me which ones hurt more and man oh man, those things are uncomfortable.  They feel like I got a piercing and are often hard to sleep on for the first week or so.

The needle ones are less noticeable to me, but once they decide they want to come out (usually when the "band aid" looses its stick) that baby needle can sting man! 

But, yeah, as I say, if they're not doing anything, no harm no foul, other than someone maybe noticing them and wondering what they are or something.  And I don't think they're not doing anything (good English!) so there you go.

I may not be quite bionic, but I do gots buttons you can push!  Fun times, yo!

Monday, 2 May 2016

The Telling

I considered turning comments off on this post because it's possibly the type of post that would bring commenters out of the woodwork to say things that might unintentionally make me feel bad, but... well, meh. Anyway...

I don't even know if I want to type this to be quite honest, but Jason has a girlfriend.

It's a little more complicated than that, because she's technically his ex, but that's his business and I'm not going to throw it all over the internet.  Plus, other stuff I won't go into but wish I would.  Because venting.

I say all this because it's hard.  Difficult.  The situation brings up all sorts of insecurities and ego-bullcrap for me and is really really hard.    And when I say I'm friends with Jason, who is an ex and people go WHAT?  I could NEVER stay friends with my ex, well yeah, it's not easy sometimes.

Without going into the interpersonal, personality stuff, I can't say much, but it might be slightly easier for me if he was going out with someone else, I don't know.  I do know that I never have an easy time of it when an ex moves on and especially here... not that I want to date Jason again, but my Ego keeps yelling at me that he said he ended things because he wasn't in a place to be a good boyfriend and, well, him making the change to be a boyfriend again clearly messes with that part of me that is insecure and wants me to feel miserable.

It's been a few months now, and I've avoided talking about it, in part because I can't talk about it neutrally, and because the way I found out was really hurtful, and I can't seem to shake the not so good feelings I have around it all.

But it's hard.  And it's messy in my head and I don't like it and I'm working hard to grow through it and know that at some point I'll look back and it'll feel different.

So, yeah.  That's a very surface gloss over of a situation in my life that is causing me some grumpies.  And bringing out some less than positive feelings.

It sucks, and I don't want to talk about it, and so I'm done now.  I may just pretend this post never happened.

How was your weekend?  It's May now, you know.

(Updated to add:  To be fair, nothing has really changed.  It's just a mental/emotional thing for me that clearly pushes buttons and brings up old stuff and that somehow makes it suck even more.)
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.