Perfection-Isn't

I struggle with perfectionism.  

I won't get into it here and will oversimplify by saying that for me, it shows up as "If I can't do it really really well (aka perfectly) I won't do it at all" and "everything I do sucks" and other really unhelpful things that stop me from existing in ways I'd like to.

I can't say when this started or when it started to really manifest as an issue/problem but it's one of the reasons I started avoiding New Year's Resolutions a number of years ago.

My issue with myself and resolutions is the all or nothing factor.  I will do X, Y or Z EVERY DAY or ELSE and then, well, you just usually at some point end up missing a day and then it's ALL over and you may as well GIVE UP ENTIRELY.

Now that's not to say there aren't things I've set myself out as "do every day" things and I don't mean the self care/cleaning type ones that are more habits than anything, I mean like "get at least 20 minutes of exercise every day even if it's "just" walking around the apartment or walking on the spot in the kitchen".  I've been doing that for years and a couple of years ago (?) bumped it up to 40 minutes a day minimum.  I also step right outside of my apartment every day - maybe just to take out trash or recycling, but that's another every day thing I had myself do.  But I've learned not to set myself goals that will hamper me.  Like I try to get to the gym once a week (rather than every day).  But I also give myself grace.  Like when I was sick I didn't go to the gym so as not to potentially infect anyone.  So even just existing a way I'd like to is hard for me without having to add the pressure of I AM GOING TO DO THIS EVERY DAY STARTING ON JANUARY FIRST OR ELSE I SUCK!

So I set intentions for the year or I think about how I'd like to change in the year, what I'd like to focus on.  Like this year I have the intention of making things more about me as I head towards my next decade and that "middle age" marker of 50.

Not "become totally selfish and self centred" about me, but worrying less about others kind of way (honestly, even worrying less about Jason).  Putting my wants, needs and desires at the forefront instead of people pleasing guessing at what everyone else might want.  Spending the year pushing myself to see what *I* want, what pleases me, and being ok with the idea of making others unhappy or upset.  (Which happens anyway so why not make myself happier in the process.)

It was hard dealing with being sick although it did focus my energy on me and getting better, I wasn't much able to do anything other than try to get better and rest, so I'm reminding myself that for this year of twenty twenty four I want to continue to make positive changes for myself and my life and to set myself up for healthy patterns and habits and to try to focus more on me than on others but like in a way that makes sense for me and doesn't translate well as I'm typing it out.  

All this to say... New Years' Resolutions can be absolutely triggering for folks and most are still dealing with the holidays and difficult times and so trying to reach a newly set goal all damn day is really not that helpful.  In my view anyway.

Let It Not Be Resolved

I stopped doing New Years resolutions a few years ago. Too much pressure. Too much guilt if/when I didn't manage to follow through 100% 24/7.

That doesn't mean I don't love the start of a new year for starting new habits, I do. I love the feeling of a clean slate, the idea that anything is possible, that the year is new and unwritten and you can make it into anything you want.

So while I don't make resolutions any more, I do think about what I want to do with the year and I make goals.

And this year, I also started doing things on the 1st. And I'm going to try doing them every day.

I'm not going to think about HAVING to do them for an entire year, because that will just freak me out. (See: Nablopomo) (Also, I could never have started this blog if I told myself I HAD to post almost every day for the next four years, no way!) And I'm not going to think about how hard it might be to do them every day no matter what, I'm just going to see what happens and do my best. And I won't beat myself up if I don't manage, I'll just celebrate when I do well.

I need to stop talking about this now. I feel like I'm getting all anxious and that wasn't really the point of this post.

Excuse me, must go breathe into a paper bag now.

*Breathing*

OK. So, here's the deal. I'm going to try to take a photo every day. And, no, I can't think about *actually* doing it for 365 days, no no no.

So far it's been ok. I've taken some photos I don't really like and I've taken a couple I do. I think in my head I thought it would be this grand, somewhat romantic, artistic thing, and so far it's been more of a "Hmmm, I have to do this and it's the end of the day, what can I find in my apartment to shoot?" kind of thing and I'm not enjoying it. Not loving it.

But I'll do it for a while, I'll give it the forty or so days they say it takes to make a new habit and I won't be mean to myself. That's the most important part for me. I won't beat myself up about it or at least, I'll work on not doing that.

So, yeah, there you have it. I'm going to try to take a photo every day. Or, more to the point, take a bunch of photos every day and find one good enough to post to flickr. I'm not really sure how it's going to go, and I'm not sure I can do it perfectly, or if I'll even want to keep doing it for 365 days but I'll see how it goes and . . . yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Ok. Back to paper bag breathing for me. Gotta go.

Three Sixty Five

One of the things I kept meaning to do in the last couple of months was talk about the things I committed to doing each and every day of last year.

They weren't resolutions, I've talked before about how resolutions don't really work for me, or perhaps, that I don't work for them.

Last year, I told myself that I'd try to exercise every day and that I'd try to take a photo every day. Every day for the entire year.

And I did both.

The daily exercise was easy enough because I allowed myself an "at the least" that I could reach even if it meant I had to walk around the block (or few blocks) at the end of a long day or at the start of a travel day.

What I didn't expect was that going for at least a walk around the block every day for a year would lead to me being willing to join a run clinic and then to me running a 10K.

I'm not sure I'd have joined the clinic if I hadn't been committed to daily exercise. (I also wouldn't have joined it if C-Dawg hadn't joined hers on her side of the country or if S hadn't signed up and gone with me. Funny how these things all work out, isn't it.)

As for daily photos, well, that one was tougher. Tougher because I love to take photos outdoors and, well, there's only so much light in a day. This made it difficult because some days there wasn't a lot of time between work and appointments and clinics or classes before dark and sometimes it felt like a lot of pressure to get a photo taken.

Sometimes too, I was frustrated when I'd rush to get one taken and then not like what I took.

I learned that I had to go easy on myself and that the best I did that day was good enough. And that good enough was more than ok because really? At least I was out there doing it and challenging myself.

I'm not sure what I expected from the 365 photo project, perhaps that I'd suddenly become an amazing photographer or that me shooting every day would mean... I don't know...something.

What I did discover, or re-affirm is more like it, is that I love taking pictures. Love it. Love the process of seeing the world and seeing images in it and wanting to capture that beauty to look at over and over and to share the beauty around me with others.

I've enjoyed looking back at the photos I've taken because with many of them I can remember the moment or the day or the situation and I get to replay that story when I see the photo.

I've also certainly grown as a photographer. I think it's hard not to when you're doing something so regularly and I'm happy with that.

I've also learned to be gentler with myself and to be kind about my creative side. There's no point in finding the flaws in something you create if it's going to make you not want to do it anymore.

I took a photography class with a friend this year too and I learned about the nitty gritty and technical aspect of things and I'm glad I did. It was also good to get some feedback about my photos and to be reminded that while I'm not as good as I could be, I'm also not so bad at it either.

Many times the two combined and I would get a walk in with my camera, making it around the block or further taking shots. The photo walk became one of my favourite things to do, but on some days, it was an added thing to fit in and sometimes stressful.

Sometimes I'd combine a photo walk with grocery shopping and would wander down the road with bags and my camera slung across my back.

This only became tricky on rainy days when adding an umbrella to the mix made taking a photo a balancing act.

On rainy days, the umbrella tended to stay home so I could take shots more easily.

So, would I do them again?

Yes and no.

I will most definitely be continuing with daily exercise, even if it's only a walk around the block. I'm also planning on running the TC10K this year and, well, I guess I'm hoping to improve on the time I made at the 10K I ran last month.

I will also be taking a photo every day this year. But I may not be uploading every one of them and if I don't manage to get out and take a photo occasionally, that's going to be ok too. So it's like I'm doing it, but I'm not committing to it, so it's just something a little less pressurefull (no, not a word, I know.)

What else am I going to commit to doing every day this year?

Nothing that's as measurable as a photo a day or daily exercise, but I'm working on my eating habits. More protein, less salt, no sugar til 11 (C-Dawg picked the time for me, I told her to) and to generally watch what I'm eating more. Partly for my weight, partly for my health (it's almost impossible to have a good run on no protein or water let me tell you) and partly because of my Dad's heart attack and wanting to make positive changes for myself in that area too.

I know it's not a good idea to make goals that aren't measurable, but I feel like I can stick to the 11 am sugar one and I feel like I'll know if I'm doing the others. I kind of feel like the same attitude and commitment I started out last year with towards exercise and photography I want to apply to my eating this year. (And my writing too, but I haven't wrapped my mind around how to do that quite yet, I'm working on it.)

I suspect that wanting to improve my eating habits will also have an affect on my cooking, so we'll see how that goes. (So far so good, I just used the slow cooker that up until now has been gathering dust and now have an enormous amount of soup. Chicken noodle anyone?)

So:

Exercise every day.

Eat more protein and less salt every day.

Not eat sweets before 11am every day.

Take photos every day.

Write. Something that could be called a book. Maybe.

(And, push myself out of my comfort zone more.) (But that one goes in brackets because it's scary, so I'm not admitting to it.)

That's what I'm going to try to do this year.

Two of them I know I can do.

The rest, I can only try, right?

(Damn it. I hate it when I write them down like that, because it means I'm going to have to carry through and then the panic sets in. Breathe, Victoria, breathe!)

Resolve

I've been going to the gym regularly for almost a year now. It wasn't a New Year's resolution, it was something I'd been meaning to do for a long time (exercise regularly) and last February was when I happened to sign up.

I've wondered for a few weeks now if I'd see any change in the people patterns at the gym since we're in the new year with its wishes and resolutions, and yesterday, I did.

I know when my gym has its quiet moments, its busier moments, and its in-between moments, so I was mildly amused at the no-parking, completely full cardio machines and well-meaning masses I encountered yesterday.

I'm happy that they all are making an effort to improve their health, or their moods,or their weight, or whatever it is that's brought them to the gym and I wish them all luck. It'll be interesting to see if the crowds thin out or if they re-distribute themselves to different times.

I don't mind the sudden influx. I live in a tourist destination town, so I'm used to the feeling of being a local who already knows the ropes. Plus, if I can't get parked, I can always walk there, or find a side street to park on. If I can't get on the cardio machine I'd like, I can run up and down the stairs or use the less popular rowing machines. And I promise I'll resist the urge to tell people to slow down before they injure something.

I'm going to sneak off to the gym now in the hopes that some of the folks from yesterday are icing sore muscles and things'll be a little calmer.

A New Year

I was in between as the years changed.  I'd gone to bed, read for a bit and then around 11:30 or 11:40 I turned off the light, knowing I wouldn't quite sleep through midnight.

So I wasn't totally awake, but I wasn't asleep and I knew better than to let myself fall asleep because the neighbourhood noise would likely wake me up anyway and so I rolled over and checked the clock a few times, but that's only so helpful as my bedroom clock is set purposely wrong, but not 'exactly' wrong in any way but I was awake, technically, when midnight came.  I said "Happy New Year" out loud to myself, and the world and, I don't know, my home and bed and whoever else might "hear" it.

I heard the fireworks/crackers (not my favourite when not in an official capacity/structured but I get that people enjoy setting them off in celebration) and I let myself fall off to sleep.

I didn't do the usual midnight things I've done in previous years... open my windows up to let the old year out and the new year in.  Or light candles to have light at the change of years.  I did, for a few minutes, think about how my New Years Eves have changed over the years.  I tried to remember if I've ever gone to a "fancy" dress up event but I don't think I have, or if I have, I've forgotten.  I know I've dressed nicely (just not the way they do in movies) to go to parties or friends' places.  And I know I got tired (sad) of being the single person at those parties and having to wait out the awkward moments of all the couples kissing and someone feeling sorry for you to give you a kiss on the cheek, if they were sober enough to remember.

And I think at some point I got tired of starting a new year not rested and maybe hungover.  I know a lot of folks feel that way on January 1st and I try not to judge but.... I'm judging... because so many people buy into the whole new year-fresh start thing and how can you really do that if you got hammered the night before?  But I digress... not about them, about me.  

I'm not glad to see 2021 go, not like some.  It was a year.  One I never really settled into.  I know many people feel like we never got out of March 2020 and in a lot of ways I think my mind got stuck in 2020 as well.  There are always bumps starting a new year as you write the year wrong but I feel like if I don't remember to write 2022 it's because I still want to write 2020 and that's odd.

It's January now.  I gave up the self-pressured resolutions years ago.  I do think about things I'd like to aim towards this year, set intentions I guess.  I did a sort of guided intention setting thing and ironically what came out on top for me for this year was more socializing.  

Which... um... this variant, y'all... just... yeah.  More socializing?  So many reasons I don't really want to have to do that.  Not merely Covid.  Just... energetically.  But I suppose I have to avoid being a total hermit and I suppose Omicron may be "changing the game" on us again but I genuinely don't know how to navigate social things right now.  (Or maybe anymore?)

I have things about my health I'm thinking of and probably focussing on, but I also will not put myself in a position of setting myself up to fail.  That is so unfair and I've fallen into that trap too many times... fool me once and all that jazz.

So I'm being careful not to have black and whites.  To not be absolute.  It's tricky though because there are certainly things I'd like to stop.  But I also know that cold turkey type of black and white idealism generally leads to failure for me.

That being said, I did eat all the remaining sweets in my place yesterday... just in case.  (Sugar being something I want to work on reducing again, but I'm not sure how that will look...and it's been a sweet sweet few months.  Just saying.)

I hope this year is calm.  And quiet.  And close to boring, for all of us.  Just a dull, simple year.  I hope it's an easy year and a gentle year.  It's 2022 y'all.  How strange.  

A Happy New Year to you my friends.

Discovery (Re)

I should know better than to set myself up with a "not going to" resolution type of thing.

Especially when it comes to sweets.

My sweet, sweet, sweets.

I tried the idea of "no sugar before 11" but what I found, two days in to the work week, was that come 11 o'clock, there I'd be stuffing my face with all the candy, chocolate, sugar, sweet, whatever I could find. It was bad.

So bad that I figured I wasn't doing myself any favours and was ending up with just as much or even more sugar than I was saving myself.

There's something manageable I can do when I tell myself I *will* do something every day and when I give myself a goal that's reachable, but when it's difficult and I'm taking something away? No good.

So I've re-discovered that I'm not great with New Year's resolutions. I'm just good at being stubborn.

In a good way.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm better at doing something than at not doing something.

Can anyone tell if I'm making sense? I just had a handful of candy and my mind's a bit blurry.

Morning

Well, here we are in 2016.  Go figure.

I feel like I kept waiting for 2015 to get going. 

You know how some books read like that?  Like, you're waiting for the introduction to be over so you can get into the meaty part of the story?  Yeah, well I feel like I kept thinking I'd get used to the fact that it was 2015.  And then I never did.  The year always seemed new to me.  Like it had just started. 

Perhaps there's a Grandma somewhere reading this and chuckling... "yes, dear, that's how it feels as you get older..." but I don't know.  It was such a round sounding year.  That five always had a certain softness to it.

2016 looks sharper.  Crisper.  More of a snap to it, we'll see. 

I didn't mind 2015, not at all.  The people I've confided in the last few months will probably go on to tell me it was the hardest year I've had in a long time, if not ever, but just like women who say the pain of childbirth fades over time, I liked this year.  It feels happy to me.

I've said it before but I don't make New Years resolutions anymore.  Yes, I've done things like the 365 Project before but I find I'm much happier and much more likely to succeed if I just use the first of the year as a reminder of how I want to continue to set my intentions.  I find there's too much pressure if I tell myself I'll never do X again, or I'll do Y every day or whatever those goals are that are meant to be started on January first.  It just makes me feel pressured.  Which is never fun.  I don't want to be motivated by pressure or "ugh".  And I don't want to have to wait for a certain day to start doing something.  So I'm reminding myself of the things I've found work for me over the last few days or weeks or months or years.  And I'm not being hard on myself.  Which is different in an important way from going easy on myself.  Although that's also slightly different from being gentle with myself.  Delicate, slight differences....

Still so much going on here, but those things don't stop for holidays or calendar days.  I hit a very difficult patch post Christmas.  I can string together some theories on why, but really, what matters is that I don't feel that way anymore and I'm so glad for that.  Thank goodness for a week of sunny (if cold) weather.  And thank goodness I had the idea to wrap up warm and walk to a couple of appointments because those short walks in the sun helped lift my mood a great deal and that made such a huge difference.

Sadness (or depression or the winter blues or being low or whatever name you want to use) is hard because it drains you of the very energy you need to do the things that may help lift you out of it.  And even if you know you're in a stuck cycle, it can all just feel like too much, or something you'll get to "when you can." 

A few things running through my head right now, including the seemingly random but not actually random idea of considering a teardrop camper (trailer)  Which... I've never actually been in one but damn if they don't look awesome. 

I hope you had a good holiday season and that this new year is going to be a wonderful one for you, full of health, happiness and love.

Happy Monday.  Talk soon.

Happy New Year

So there's that.  That whole new year thing, yay!  I hope yours is a very happy, healthy, prosperous one!

I had an odd sort of evening for the thirty first of January... I hadn't been planning on doing anything, I've been content to just stay in and think about things the last few years, but this year I scaled even that back.

I tidied my place, not just over the day but over the few days before, because I really do like waking up to a clean, tidy place and to do so on the first of a new year always feels fresh and nice.  So I did that.  And then I had a friend who had a bit of a crisis so I went and spent time with them and it took a lot out of me, so when it came to the evening I was exhausted.

So I went to bed.

I felt like I'd been asleep for hours when something woke me up and I'm glad it did because I'd somehow forgotten to turn off the lights when I got into bed.  I guess that's how tired I was, without even knowing it.

So, I got up, peed, turned off the lights and fell back asleep listening to the bells and cheering ringing in the new year.

And I slept really well.  Which, I have to say, is a fantastic way to head into a new year.  Rested!

I woke up and super bonus, there was snow.  Not falling, I'd slept through that, but there was a light dusting of snow all over and that, combined with the sunshine made for a really lovely morning. 

It didn't last, the snow, but it sounds like it's going to be a bright, if cold, week (with a small possibility of snow at the end of it!) and I am happy to have the sun and the brightness!

So I had a good first day, and no, I didn't make resolutions, I haven't done that in years, but I did make a list of "Things I'd like to do every day" and that will be a guide of sorts, while I work on building habits that I want in my life.  And no, I didn't JUST start them on the first.  I started them last week.  Even better!

I hope you had a good holiday week or so and that your transition into 2017 has been as easy and happy as mine has been.  Happy New Year, my friends, may it be one of your best yet!

Cool

So, yes, I had a good Christmas. Not entirely as planned, but sometimes that just ends up making it even better.

The plan was to head over to the mainland on Christmas Eve and to head back Boxing Day-ish. My brother called on the morning of the 24th and the snow that had been forecast (and missed Victoria) had hit them full force. After talking with him it was decided that it wasn't safe driving and not a good idea to head over.

We were all pretty disappointed, so it was an easy decision to make when, on Christmas morning, he called and said the roads looked great and things were melting. Yay, travel time!

Travelling on Christmas day was nice, everyone seemed happy and in good spirits, and crossing on the ferry with snow all around was something I haven't done very often in the past, so I had a blast taking photos for most of the trip.

I got to see everyone I love most in the world on Christmas day after all, and the day was wonderful and relaxing and fun.

My brother came over here for a visit a few days after Christmas so it has felt like the longest holiday season ever.

We even went to see the lights at Butchart Gardens (which is one of my favourite Christmassy things to do) the other evening.

My New Year's was great too. I have my own, personal traditions which included cleaning my place and getting rid of (to charity of course) old clothes and things I no longer need or want in my life. I also wrote out some goals (not resolutions) for the year and rang 2009 in peacefully and happily.

My parents came by yesterday and first footed me, with shortbread and all, which is probably the most perfect start to the year I could have asked for.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2009 and I look forward to sharing more stories with you as the year progresses.

Happy New Year!

That Clean, Fresh Start

It's often at this time of year that I consider what I might want to bring into my coming New Year.

You know... not resolutions, but in that category.

I find it easier to add things than take things away.  So "I will do this" over "I will NOT do that".

I try not to set myself up to fail and if I'm adding something I like to add it now so it's closer to being a habit by the time January rolls around rather than pushing myself to be some kind of "perfect" from the 1st on.

Last year I started off with a one month yoga challenge and I did it!  And my body felt better for it (my massage person I've seen since the accident said my neck was feeling great and to keep doing what I was doing.)  But it waned.  I worked at not beating myself up over it.  It also impacted the walks I'd been going on as on days when I'd have to work pretty hard to get a yoga in I didn't always then have the energy to head outside for a long walk.  I really have only done that walk I used to do so very regularly a handful of times this year, it's kind of sad in some ways but hey, see the part about not beating myself up, right?

So I don't know what to add for myself this year.  Nothing drastic, that's for sure.  Nothing that will make me feel like I failed or let myself down.  But things that will help me move forward in the ways I want to (healthier, happier, more creative and productive and maybe even more social?)

Even just saying "healthier" is a LOT, really.  It can encompass food, nutrition, sleep, mental health and well being, exercise, screen time, thoughts and thinking, social stuff, being outside, boundaries, goals, etc etc... there is or can be SO much in just one word "healthier"!

Last time I hurt myself (somehow) and knew it was partly due to weak core muscles I wanted to make sure I did core work more regularly.  And I did, until I didn't.  My grip strength seems to be getting weaker?  (I'm having trouble opening things... often needing help even thought I really really try in different ways).  I'd like to work on my grip strength, but when was the last time I did those exercises?  Would I do them more if I bought a trainer thing?  If I paid for rock climbing lessons?  I'm imperfect (hi fellow humans) but do generally want what's best for current me and future me, you know?

Year end is weird in so many ways.... and looking at a new year to come when this one is still feeling pretty damn fresh and new feels extra strange.

Oh December... why do you have to be so.... extra?

Passing Through

New Year's coming.  Twenty fourteen.  Or whatever you call it.  But, it's coming anyway.

Last year was the year of Jay, really.  I first came across him a year ago November, and by December had come to know him really well and cared about him, and I remember talking to him on New Year's Eve and feeling in love.

We met early Spring, and were together til Summer, and then split for a month and then got back together... sort of... until November and December and so now it's time for the year of Jay to be over.  And to see what this new year will bring.

I hope for health and happiness, balance and love.  Not just for me, but for my family, friends, loved ones... everyone.

I don't make resolutions anymore.  I do take time to find peace and calm as the year switches over.

And I remind myself of all the good things I have, and am.

So here's to a new year and all the potential that can bring, and the magic clean slate people give themselves, and the boost to willpower that starting at zero can give.

And thanks for listening... again.

Happy New Year.

Babble Vent

I'm not asking for correction here, or for placation or sympathy... I'm venting and babbling in an attempt to figure stuff out.

I am bad at things.  I am bad at things I would like to be good at.  And I am also not doing anything to change my level of ability.

Like, nothing at all.  And then I hate myself for it and then I get mad at myself for being mean to myself and still nothing changes.

I suppose I'm talking about skills.  Skills that also can and often do involve talent, but I'll ignore the talent part for now.

I'm most often talking about things within the creative realm.  Painting, drawing, writing, building things, playing instruments... creating something.... I am (in my view) bad at so many of those things.  And I compare myself constantly to experts.  Or if not experts, at least to folks who have spent a lot of time learning and trying and practising and working and honing their skill or craft (and who probably have talent in that area as well.) Like I listen to a song by the Tragically Hip and I think man, I wish I could write like Gord.  I can't play guitar like Paul.  And I can't perform as freely as Gord did.  And then my brain continues with.. therefore I SUCK.

Sometimes I do try.  I play my ukulele, I even recorded a song I made up a few summers ago titled "it's too hot to sleep now" because it was too hot to sleep.  And when I played it back it was... awful.  Even if I thought it was maybe half decent at the time and I wondered about finding someone to play with and flesh it out and then I heard it again and was like OMG I am terrible.

But do I try?  Do I push myself?  Do I spend time every day (or even most days or any days) learning or practicing?  NOPE!

Have I bought books?  Instruction manual type books?  Yep.  Am I aware of the internet and the likely endless tools to help?  Yup!  Am I aware there is some cycle happening here?  Yes.

I used to be able to draw quite well.  I know this because I have the physical evidence.  Like I done did draw that there thing, *I* did.

But now when I try I don't like what I see and I keep giving up.

Is it possibly partly due to me being unwell for a few years now with depression and anxiety?  Possibly, but "taking it easy on myself" only lessens the unkind internal words, it has yet to motivate me to do daily anything.

I mean I exercise daily.  Perhaps not as much as I could or "should" (god I hate that word and what it does to me), but I do.  I move every day.  Maybe that's more fair to say.  I move every day.  I get steps in.  I raise my heart rate.  I do that every day, so I know I am capable of doing something every day.

And I have done photography 365 (one a day) projects before and I have gotten degrees from Universities and so I know I'm capable of study and learning and regular practice.  I just can't quite put my finger on why I'm not doing this with things I think I would actually like to be working on... Writing.  Art (especially realism and drawing).  Music.  And yes, my fitness level, although that's not in the same realm.  

You know I don't set myself up with resolutions anymore, and this year has had a hard start so it's not been a priority to set intentions or goals or what have you.

I had the thought (which I may have mentioned here?) about how if I'd started drawing once a day (or writing or or or) when I first got sick, I'd have all that time (five fucking years) under my belt and I'd be five years better.  So I try to apply that to "five years from now" or even "next year".  How much better could I be if I practised my ukulele every day?  Drew every day?  And on top of that, how much less time would I spend mindlessly online were I doing other things instead.

Like, I get it, I do.  I know part of me wants to.  But so far, nada.  I've had stretches, for sure where I did or where I tried.  But consistent learning and practice is eluding me.

I would like that to change.  I guess I'm finding it hard to get going.  (And keep going.)  And part of my brain just keeps throwing heavy negative thoughts at me. Oh plus, you know, panic attacks and sometimes just trying to get through the day and while I love looking at other artists I do know it tends to bring me down because more often than not I end up thinking "man, I'm no good compared to them" or "look how much work they put out" or "they work so much harder than I do" and that's a lose lose thing.

I realized a few months back that I don't really know how to positively motivate myself.  Like it feels like I've spent most of my life using the stick as motivation and I don't know how to use the carrot.  It's quite confusing, really.  And perhaps part of me doesn't see the point?  Like get better at something, why?  

Questioning.  So much questioning.  Would have been nice had I gone through this several decades ago, but here I am, and this post is part of an ongoing attempt to figure it out.

Edited to add:  I closed this post off and then thought to myself "not being good sucks, so practising sucks". And I think that's a fair point.  I don't enjoy the act or the feeling of not being good and so there's not a lot of motivation to sit down and not be able to get the F chord, or not be able to draw an apple that looks like a fucking apple.  (Ok, now I'm picturing apples having sex... my bad, I just got upset, sorry if I now also put that image into your head but hey, let's be honest, I'd love to be able to draw an actual apple and a cartoon or something of apples having sex!) Sigh.  Maybe that's part of it all... practising is not really fun or enjoyable and right now just serves to remind me I'm not good, or certainly not as good as I would like to be.  Makes me wonder how I'd do if there was something I'd never tried before and was starting from scratch... would I let myself be "bad"?

But If You Try Sometimes You Just Might Find

I know myself well enough to know that five years ago, I wouldn't have been able to say what I'm about to say, so for that alone I applaud myself mightily. Good job me.

I'm an attractive woman.

As I said above, I haven't always believed so, and this has been, I'm sure, one of the reasons I've been single more than not.

But, now I know I'm attractive, and I also find that I don't have the time and energy I used to.

How are these things related?

Well, the way I see it, had I known I was good looking when I was still in University, I would have possibly, probably, gone out more. I would MOST DEFINITELY have flirted more. And I would have been more confident. Would have said yes more. Would have expected more for myself. Would have allowed myself to be treated better.

Theoretically, these things would have landed me married.

Or not.

But, now, I'm not in the clubbing scene. I'm not out with a group of single girlfriends looking to pick up guys. My girlfriends are all married now. Some of them are having kids. We all have jobs. Careers. We don't go out and live it up any more. Or, when we do, we're home in time for them to kiss their babies goodnight.

On top of that, I spent some time in the last couple of months really coming to terms with the fact that I don't get out much.

I really don't. And it's not a bad thing, I like my time to myself and I, a few years ago made a promise to myself that I'd live by myself before I got married just to prove to myself that I could do it.

And I can.

But that's not my point.

My point is that I'm an attractive woman. I'm funny and nice and smart and I have a good job (even though it's a top secret spy job that I can't talk about) and I'm a good person. I'm a good catch.

So why haven't I been caught?

Well, I used to think it was something bad about me.

Now I realize it's because I'm not out there.

I'm not even in the friggin pond, never mind the ocean or wherever it is you're supposed to go to get caught. When you're a good catch. Um, is this metaphor running away with itself? Yes, yes it is!

So that's one of my non-resolutions for this year. I'm going to get out.

I don't know what that looks like, I just know I have to be out of my workplace (there are no single spies, I swear) and out of my apartment (there are no single men living in my apartment, trust me I've checked all the closets and cupboards) because neither of those places have worked for me.

I don't necessarily think it means I'm going to be going out clubbing again or to bars or pubs or wherever it is one goes, I just know if I'm going to meet someone, I actually have to be out.

You know, living.

And, no, I don't know exactly how that's going to work.

But I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

If I don't meet anyone by getting out of the house, at least I'm getting out of the house.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Thwarted

I had plans for this year.

I mean, I'm sure we all did, but I had a few things I wanted to work on this year... not "New Year's Resolutions" but things I wanted to do more or less of this year.

Things like... less sugar, less salt, more outside, less distraction.

And, well, since this pandemic really hit us here and we went into shut/lock down I have not had the willpower or something to do those things.  I have not eaten well.  I have, to be honest, eaten things in the last couple of months that I haven't eaten in years.  Apparently I'm not the only one going through this, it's probably something to do with living in a constant state of fear/worry/anxiety and a more ominous presence of death than usual... or something scientific like that but not only have I eaten a ton of sugar and salty things, but also gluten gluten gluten gluten gluten.  Like gluten stuff I haven't touched or really thought of in a decade or more.  Stone Wheat Thin crackers?  Yeah, I got those.  And Fig Newtons?  Yup, those too.  More than one order of Oreos?  And Twizzlers (surprise gluten!) Yes and yes.  My "junk food" intake has been... well, not healthy - especially not considering in January I was trying to make big changes due to health concerns of my own... sigh.

And outside?  That's been hard to do.  And distraction?  Yeah, been doing way more of that.  Re-watching Friday Night Lights was a decidedly wonderful distraction though so, I can't say much about that!

But yeah... realizing it's nearly June, which is the sixth month of a year that feels particularly... paused?  This is all still so unreal and I hear folks talking about a "new normal" and I'm like we're not there yet.  This won't feel "normal" for another while. 

I'm going to try, I am... to get back towards the healthy things I wanted to do this year.  And I'm not going to be too hard on myself for eating weirdly or watching lots of shows, or whatever else I've done these last couple of months. 

But yeah, I had plans for this year.  And there, so far, has been a fairly large hole in those plans these last few months.

So weird, this all.... so weird.