Saturday, 30 January 2010

Fast Forward

The details are fuzzy of what happened with Jeff and I after our first kiss, but I do remember some things.

It was near the end of the school year, so it felt like we only had the shortest of time together before we had to move out of residence and back to our very far from each other hometowns for the summer. That feeling of being limited by time made everything more intense.

We spent all our non-class time together, he stayed in my room most nights. Jeff was a music student and that was intense too. He was working hard, studying and practicing for his finals. (The name of which I can't quite remember, "adjudication" possibly?) And he was talented. Jeff was a pianist, and it was amazing.

I'd never seen anyone with a gift like that, anyone with that amount of talent and dedication and focus and it was beautiful.

He liked to read, he was smart, he seemed worldly to me, and he had something about him I wanted to save or help or rescue or take care of or pull out of him. He wasn't loud like so many of the nineteen year old loudmouths that populate Universities.

It was all very much driven by feelings and the drama of knowing we had limited time together. Jeff wasn't the first person I'd kissed, but he was the first person I slept with. It wasn't the thing dreams are made of, but it was what it was. And in that moment it was everything to me.

I think maybe being eighteen is all about drama and lust and hormones and intensity and drama and the angst of just everything. So take that and mix it in with the heady freedom of living in residence and my first time and who Jeff was and it was romance novel perfect.

And then the term ended.

To be continued . . .

Friday, 29 January 2010


I've discovered,that my old posts that had music clips in them no longer have music clips in them, rather just have these ads for what used to be where I played music clips from but is now something else.

Which means I have to (ok, no I don't *have* to, I want to) go back and find and fix them all. Not sure how to fix them yet, but I'll figure something out.


Updated to add: I think I got em. (Just can't be sure I got all of them right)

Thursday, 28 January 2010

When You Never See It Coming

I went away for University. Not far, but away.

I'd been accepted to a few places, good places, but I decided to go to the school that was holding a spot in residence for me. UVic.

My first time away from home for real, not just summer camp an hour's drive away, or a camping trip for the weekend, but a whole ferry trip away from parental influence and curfews and someone watching to make sure I was being safe and good and oh the freedom!

I don't remember the exact moment or way I first met Jeff; he was the friend of a guy from another building that one of my friend's friends were dating. You know how it works, six degrees of separation but all one big hormonally driven group. Everyone knows everyone but no one's really sure how.

Jeff was this strange mixture of dark and brooding but hopeful and shy. I remember when we first started hanging out, he'd lean against me but with barely half of his weight. It was like he didn't want to impose himself on me even when he wanted to be close.

He was quiet, but sweet, and for whatever reasons I was drawn to him. Moth to flame-like.

I actually hooked up with his friend first, in a beer fuelled evening that still boggles my mind because we both really disliked each other. Maybe there is some truth to that whole love/hate sexual attraction thing. I don't think Jeff was around that night, and I certainly never mentioned it to him, but making out with his friend made it clear I had to be a little more bold with Jeff if I wanted him to know I liked him.

So, I kissed him.

As I said in that post : It was back in first year university and I'd had a crush on this guy {who we now know is Jeff} for a while. One night, a few weeks into our attempts at flirting (or whatever it is you do when you're young and ignorant / innocent) we were all heading back to our residences and were hanging outside my building. Someone started talking about finding the right person and this guy mentioned how he'd heard people say you had to kiss a lot of frogs before you found your prince.

I looked over at him and he was sitting on top of a garbage can and something about the light, he just looked so vulnerable and like he figured he wasn't anybody's prince, more like an ugly frog. And I leaned over and mumbled something about how he looked like a prince to me and I kissed him. It was really sweet.

And that was our first kiss.

First time I'd ever done that, kissed the guy first.

Guess I should have done it sooner, because before you knew it, we were an "us".

To be continued. . .

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


I got this nice email today from a lady called Olga:

Good day, I accidentally found a letter from you, I remember how we communicated with you.
You were so hot, let's talk again - drop me to the page - I'll wait for my very sweet!

I don't actually know who she is, but it's a nice change from the email offers I keep getting for 80% off Viagra!

Thanks Olga. I'm sure you were so hot too. I'll drop you to the page tomorrow,ok? Good day!

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Twenty Six Days In

I'm still feeling bruised and battered from this weekend, but since forward is the best way to move, that's what I'm doing. Step, step, step. Onward.

John Mayer's helping. I bought his new album with an iTunes gift card and it fits my state of mind perfectly while still making me feel just a little bit better each time I hear it.

Did you know we're twenty six days into the new year / January / the decade?

I've managed, so far, to take a photo every day. I don't love all of them. I don't always love doing it, but so far it's resulted in a few great photos I wouldn't have taken had I not been out there with my camera. So, that's good, I guess.

Another interesting side-effect (?) is that on the days I get a photo I love, I end up with a bunch of others that I really really liked. So that's good.

I just thought about something, with regards to the music. I think part of it is that the music's good, but I also, as I'm sitting here typing and listening, think it's that putting on the music forces the part of my brain that rehashes the situation to focus on something else; the lyrics the tune, the harmonies, the instruments.

But, anyway, twenty six days in. The things I said I'd commit to daily, I've done every day so far. Forty days to make a habit? Guess I'm more than half-way there.

How's your January going?

Monday, 25 January 2010


I got emotionally slapped around this weekend in a completely unexpected way. (Isn't it always that way?) Which is really unfortunate, because it should have been was a great weekend and this one thing is eclipsing all of that.

Ordinarily I wouldn't mention it, would just wait for it to blow over or to hurt less, but right now, it's occupying all of my thoughts and is heavy heavy heavy on me like the lead blankets you wear for dental X-rays.

My instinct right now is to never ever ever let anyone in to my life ever again. To never have friends any closer than outside of my safety bubble. And that's a sucky way to feel. So I guess I'll just curl up like a hedgehog or something until it feels safe again.

Things like this make it feel easier to be alone and lonely. At least then you feel like you're in control of the hurt.

I hate that this has turned everything into something it's not. Hopefully the eclipse will pass.


Send me a hug, would you?

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Regarding That

About a month ago, I wrote a post that mentioned a former boyfriend of mine.

The One in The Back posted this comment:
"I guess I'll be the one to ask the "500-lb Gorilla in the room" question...
What happened?"

And I said I guessed that was something I'd have to post about.

And because these things often feel big until you start, let me start.

His name was Jeff. I gave up so much for him. I don't know where he is anymore. My life twisted around him for years. The twisting didn't leave me for years. There's a lot to the story, I suppose. But today I'm just starting.

His name was Jeff.

Friday, 22 January 2010


I'm writing this last night, well, actually I'm writing this right now, but by the time this post posts, I'll have written it last night, does that make sense out there because it makes sense in here (taps self on head.)

I'm writing this to remind myself at some future point how good I feel right now.

I've been out for a walk in the fresh, cold, air. I've exercised, pushed my body a little bit, gotten my heart rate up, felt the wind on my cheeks.

Then, I came home, all cold and fresh blown and I had a shower. A nice hot one.

And now I'm sitting, all wrapped up cozy and happy and I feel like a million bucks. I feel so good. And I want to remember that I feel good.

So I'm writing this last night.

Which is now. (But not the now of you reading this.)

And I feel good.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Uncomfortable To Say

I've never dated outside of my race.

Not on purpose, certainly not on purpose, but I just haven't.

What's interesting, though, is that I feel guilty saying this.

I have a girlfriend, however, of a different race, who has only ever dated men of her race; her colour. For her, she just wouldn't date outside of her colour, race and religion. And I wonder why it was easy for her to say this when it's not something I'd be able to say without feeling like an evil racist.

Is it because it was more religiously based than anything?

I feel terribly uncomfortable even talking about this. And when I feel uncomfortable talking about something, it usually means some of you do too.

And then, I usually end up feeling better.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Tap. . .Tap . . . Is This Thing On?

Do any of the rest of you who blog have this problem?

I've got a ton to talk about and a ton to say, but as soon as I sit down to write it out, it all seems to disappear.

Like, I may have a super conversation going on in my head but it's in the middle of a work day or when I'm in the shower or out for a walk or getting groceries and when I get home and sit down to write, my mind goes blank. Or, more to the point, it twists its head to the side like dogs do and goes "Huh?" all cute and innocent and sigh.

Anybody else know what I'm talking about?

Tuesday, 19 January 2010


We all judge people. Make judgements about them, when we first see them based on how they look, what they're wearing, what they're doing.

I'm not talking about the type of judgement that has a person believing they understand that person's worth, just that initial summarization of the person we make upon first glance.

The reason I'm thinking about this is because of something that happened when I was out for a walk this weekend.

The part of town I live is near enough to downtown that there are often people who'll walk around going through garbage cans and recycling bins looking for refundable containers. They'll then take them to a Bottle Depot and get some money.

There's an older man I've seen around a few times collecting and I saw him when I was out on my walk.

Now I'd always just assumed that he was one of the many homeless we have here in Victoria and that he was collecting cans and bottles for money to help him survive or to help him get what he needs.

As I walked further down the street, however, I could see him taking his big bag towards a car. As I got closer, I watched him take the bag and load it into an already full trunk. The trunk of a BMW.

So my assumption, based on having seen this man out and about collecting recyclables from garbage bins was that he was homeless.

He may be homeless, but he at least has a car. An expensive car.

It kind of blew my mind.

Because then I realized that I couldn't assume he was rich just because he had a BMW.

Maybe it was a gift.

Maybe it was all he had left.

Or, maybe, he's a very rich man and keeps on getting richer by going around and picking up recyclables that other people are throwing away.

Who knows.

It's just a good reminder to me that we never, ever, know anything about someone just from looking.

Monday, 18 January 2010


I didn't talk about it here last week, because it wasn't something I was able to write about, but I talked about it a little on flickr and now I'm going to talk about it just this once, here.

The earthquake in Haiti. It has hurt my heart and reminded me that I too live in an earthquake zone, and my life may also, all of a sudden change. Drastically. Any moment.

It's not the fear and disaster I want to talk about though, it's the help that is being sent, the hope that is there. There's this quote from Mr Rogers that I saw last week that's been a comfort to me:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."
— Fred Rogers

And here's where I turn to you. You see, it's my birthday somewhere around here. And what I'd like you to do is give me a birthday present. Well, not me, exactly, but you'll see what I mean.

If you'd like to, I'd ask that you donate an amount of money equivalent to how old you think I am to one of the many relief organizations that are supporting Haiti at the moment. If you're Canadian, know that our government has pledged to match donations, so you'd be doubling your amount instantly. There are organizations aimed at supporting the children of Haiti through this, organizations devoted to sending clean water, organizations sending doctors, the list goes on.

I know you don't know my age, and right now I'd love to tell you I'm 100 years old if that would make you smile and encourage you to donate that amount.

If you can't donate money, then send your love. And love your people. Your family, friends, children, partners, co-workers. Love them. Hug them. And then go home and enjoy the comforts of your home.

We really are lucky.

Now's a time to spread and share our luck.

Final word? Thanks for being part of my life.
You all are awesome.
Stay happy, healthy and safe.


Saturday, 16 January 2010

But If You Try Sometimes You Just Might Find

I know myself well enough to know that five years ago, I wouldn't have been able to say what I'm about to say, so for that alone I applaud myself mightily. Good job me.

I'm an attractive woman.

As I said above, I haven't always believed so, and this has been, I'm sure, one of the reasons I've been single more than not.

But, now I know I'm attractive, and I also find that I don't have the time and energy I used to.

How are these things related?

Well, the way I see it, had I known I was good looking when I was still in University, I would have possibly, probably, gone out more. I would MOST DEFINITELY have flirted more. And I would have been more confident. Would have said yes more. Would have expected more for myself. Would have allowed myself to be treated better.

Theoretically, these things would have landed me married.

Or not.

But, now, I'm not in the clubbing scene. I'm not out with a group of single girlfriends looking to pick up guys. My girlfriends are all married now. Some of them are having kids. We all have jobs. Careers. We don't go out and live it up any more. Or, when we do, we're home in time for them to kiss their babies goodnight.

On top of that, I spent some time in the last couple of months really coming to terms with the fact that I don't get out much.

I really don't. And it's not a bad thing, I like my time to myself and I, a few years ago made a promise to myself that I'd live by myself before I got married just to prove to myself that I could do it.

And I can.

But that's not my point.

My point is that I'm an attractive woman. I'm funny and nice and smart and I have a good job (even though it's a top secret spy job that I can't talk about) and I'm a good person. I'm a good catch.

So why haven't I been caught?

Well, I used to think it was something bad about me.

Now I realize it's because I'm not out there.

I'm not even in the friggin pond, never mind the ocean or wherever it is you're supposed to go to get caught. When you're a good catch. Um, is this metaphor running away with itself? Yes, yes it is!

So that's one of my non-resolutions for this year. I'm going to get out.

I don't know what that looks like, I just know I have to be out of my workplace (there are no single spies, I swear) and out of my apartment (there are no single men living in my apartment, trust me I've checked all the closets and cupboards) because neither of those places have worked for me.

I don't necessarily think it means I'm going to be going out clubbing again or to bars or pubs or wherever it is one goes, I just know if I'm going to meet someone, I actually have to be out.

You know, living.

And, no, I don't know exactly how that's going to work.

But I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

If I don't meet anyone by getting out of the house, at least I'm getting out of the house.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Friday, 15 January 2010

2010 Jetsons

My girlfriend and I were talking the other day about how both of our parents now have PVRs.

And about how now both of our parents call us with questions that range from "How do I turn on the tv again?" to "Where do I find the show I recorded again?"

We both thought it was pretty funny until I pointed out that we had no idea of what our kids would be (at some point in the future) making fun of us for not knowing how to use.

Like, "Seriously, my Mom has no idea how the teletransport molecular driver works. She's always calling to ask me how to turn it on!"

Because, really. . .

This technology thing is just. Wow.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Maybe I want too much.

Maybe you can't have it all.

But maybe you can. And is there anything wrong in aiming for it all?

I want a whirlwind romance. No, whirlwind's not the right word, but I want that time with someone where you're doing things together and enjoying each other's company and where you're going on hikes or walking a dog at the beach or playing a board game with friends and there's laughing and fun and that feeling of just the two of you there getting to know more and more about what you like about each other. And that's where the whirlwind part comes in because it's just like you're caught up in this whirlwind of fun. And you look forward to the phone calls and the special surprises and the time to just hang out.

And I want somebody who is everything. Someone who can, over time, become my best friend. Someone who is kind and gentle and loving and sweet and attractive.

And there's the rub. The thorn currently stuck in my side. The metaphor to represent my feeling of being hobbled.

Because I did meet someone who is nice and kind and sweet and so many of the things I want in a partner, but he's not attractive. I didn't have that feeling of excitement when I thought about seeing him and I just didn't really care.

And it sucked and still sucks because there's part of me that's scared and wants to fight against the voice that's telling me there's something better out there because what if there's not?

What if I can't have it all? What if I have to give up handsome to have kind and sweet and thoughtful and all the rest.

Or what if I can have handsome and life a life of butterflies and lust and whirlwind but he's not that kind or nice or he's ok.

But I want to believe I can have it all.

I really do.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010


I am so totally marrying Coach Eric Taylor.

So totally.

Just FYI.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Let It Not Be Resolved

I stopped doing New Years resolutions a few years ago. Too much pressure. Too much guilt if/when I didn't manage to follow through 100% 24/7.

That doesn't mean I don't love the start of a new year for starting new habits, I do. I love the feeling of a clean slate, the idea that anything is possible, that the year is new and unwritten and you can make it into anything you want.

So while I don't make resolutions any more, I do think about what I want to do with the year and I make goals.

And this year, I also started doing things on the 1st. And I'm going to try doing them every day.

I'm not going to think about HAVING to do them for an entire year, because that will just freak me out. (See: Nablopomo) (Also, I could never have started this blog if I told myself I HAD to post almost every day for the next four years, no way!) And I'm not going to think about how hard it might be to do them every day no matter what, I'm just going to see what happens and do my best. And I won't beat myself up if I don't manage, I'll just celebrate when I do well.

I need to stop talking about this now. I feel like I'm getting all anxious and that wasn't really the point of this post.

Excuse me, must go breathe into a paper bag now.


OK. So, here's the deal. I'm going to try to take a photo every day. And, no, I can't think about *actually* doing it for 365 days, no no no.

So far it's been ok. I've taken some photos I don't really like and I've taken a couple I do. I think in my head I thought it would be this grand, somewhat romantic, artistic thing, and so far it's been more of a "Hmmm, I have to do this and it's the end of the day, what can I find in my apartment to shoot?" kind of thing and I'm not enjoying it. Not loving it.

But I'll do it for a while, I'll give it the forty or so days they say it takes to make a new habit and I won't be mean to myself. That's the most important part for me. I won't beat myself up about it or at least, I'll work on not doing that.

So, yeah, there you have it. I'm going to try to take a photo every day. Or, more to the point, take a bunch of photos every day and find one good enough to post to flickr. I'm not really sure how it's going to go, and I'm not sure I can do it perfectly, or if I'll even want to keep doing it for 365 days but I'll see how it goes and . . . yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Ok. Back to paper bag breathing for me. Gotta go.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Now, Where Were We?

Ah yes. My cold.

On Thursday, Joel suggested I go get me some Ginger-Lemon-Echinacea juice, heat it up and have a nice hot bath before heading to bed early with fingers crossed for a feeling better morning.

I was feeling absolutely sick and miserable and was willing to overlook my dislike of both ginger and echinacea and try. So I did.

I also called in sick to spy work and slept and rested and rested and slept.

And then I repeated that pattern on Saturday and Sunday.

And do you know what?

It worked!

Well, I don't know what exactly worked, but I think the combination of resting and the healthy juice and the vitamin C and Cold-FX and my body's immune system finally waking up from its three week sleep all got together and kicked some cold virus butt.

I'm just so very glad to be feeling better. Three cheers for that!

So thanks Joel! Your juice isn't something I'd normally have bought and it may just have tipped the scales for my getting better. Woo hooo!

Have a great Monday y'all. I know I will.

Health rocks.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Looking Up

There have been beautiful sunrises and sunsets around here on the non-rainy days.

And even better than that? I've actually been around to see them.

And they're happening further and further apart.

I've actually arrived home before dark a few days this week.

And have driven to work with the sun rising.

It's nice. Longer days. Colourful mornings, colourful evenings.

Things are looking up, daylight wise.

Friday, 8 January 2010

Seriously, It's Slippery!

I kept dropping the soap in the shower last night.

No, I seriously did.

Like five times in a row.

I'd pick it up and it'd all of a sudden be on the bottom of the shower again. Pick it up, fall, pick it up, fall.

It was kind of funny, actually, but what made it funnier was the two thoughts I had while this was happening:

1. I'm glad I'm not in prison right now.

2. I'm totally going to blog this.

See? I'm always thinking of y'all.

You're welcome.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

I Still Hab Dis Code

So I seriously can't seem to kick this cold. But I think it's getting better because I'm feeling worse. If that makes sense?

Which is does to me.

Which is possibly an indication of just how mushy my brain is.

Whenever I get a head cold (which is what this has pro/re - gressed to now) I always am very grateful that I don't have allergies. I'd hate to go around all sniffly and runny and blocked up and not having any brain making.

Kind of weird to think it's already been a week of this new year. I still keep going to call it "Oh ten" and then realizing that just doesn't work.

I have stuff to talk about, sticky notes with post reminders (ha, post it notes with post reminders!*) so I won't forget and soon enough my body will kick this cold virus to the curb and I'll be able to sit myself down and write and tell you stuff.

Until then, live well and prosper.

No, I'm not even on any cold meds, this crazy is alllllll natural baby.

*I know, that wasn't funny. But it should have been.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010


I was thinking the other day about non-words.

You know, words that sound like other words, but actually aren't.

Like,"supposibly"? That's a pretty common one.

And there are "punkins" at Hallowe'en and "sammiches" when you're hungry.

You know, non-words!

What are your favourites?

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Weeks in a Year

I think the fact that it's the very very start of a new year (and decade and such) is what made me suddenly see this photo as a time document, a countdown, instead of just a number on a sports jersey.

Time is a weird thing and New Years is a good reminder of that. It's quick. But long. All at the same time.

I am thinking about what I want to do this year, and more to the point, this decade, and it surprises me that I'm not more able to quickly and decisively point to those things. Ideas. Goals. Dreams.

I do know that if there are fifty two weeks in a year, that's really not a lot.

What am I going to do with mine? What are you going to do with yours.

Fifty two.

Well, a little less, really.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Hey, Um

So is there anyone out there willing to pay me large sums of money to *not* go to work today?

Or, like, ever again kind of thing?

Anyone? Hello?

*tap, tap* This thing on?



Nothing like the holidays to make you never want to go back to work, eh?
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.