Well...

Well, I have my first official appointment booked.

I got a call from my optometrist's office and they rebooked a postponed appointment for a dilation (the one where they blow your pupils? up to look for... things?)

I'm nervous, of course, as going places is something that stresses my anxiety around this virus.

They're asking I wear a mask and show up exactly on time (as I won't be allowed in early) And I appreciate those things but here are some other things that are going through my mind about it.

I deal with a little bit of panic sometimes wearing a mask.  Being as the only time I really wear a mask is at Burning Man, that's when I first discovered it.  So there, when you're wearing something because of dust, I generally wear a bandana to filter a little bit of dust but not give me the panic claustrophobia feeling of not being able to breathe.  If it's a more serious dust storm I have worn a special mask and I just kind of deal with it because I always know I have to.  But in those cases the huge dust storms tend to block the sun which can reduce the heat a bit so that can help a bit.

But going forward with life here, I'll have to figure out how to wear a mask for extended periods of time while keeping my cool.  (My literal cool.... you know.)

I have a few different types of masks, and was just recently able to purchase the "flimsier" over the ear ones as well.  I've so far, the three or so times I've gone into a pharmacy, worn a cloth mask a neighbour gave me and the biggest "issue" I had with that was feeling like I couldn't be heard, and it slipping down as I didn't tie it around the back of my head tight enough.  But that was only for a few minutes at a time.  This upcoming appointment will be something like half an hour.  And so I'm thinking I'll try one of the lighter wearing masks, but I'm not sure that protects my optometrist as well as a more significant mask? But they did say they'd provide masks if I didn't have one and I imagine the kind they can afford to provide is the kind I have so maybe it's ok.  I mean the truth of the matter is, it's better I wear a slightly less effective mask and don't have a panic attack in the office while she's trying to look at my eyeballs, right?  Sigh.

I tried for a while yesterday to wear my fancy Burning Man mask inside but... it wasn't a great experience.  Which makes me wonder about when I have to go get a scan for my heart stuff and have to be in a hospital so should wear a more serious mask that entire time.  But... I suppose that's a worry for another day.

Also, this means I need someone to drive me, so I've asked Jason if he's ok to drive me (and wait outside in the car).  But I mean this is all awkward and strange.

But yeah, I have my first appointment next week.  My first "new not normal" appointment.

Here's hoping it goes well and we all stay safe.

Sigh.

An End

I am, for once, writing this in a morning - go figure.

I've noticed that most (all?) mornings now I wake up and my first coherent thought is "I'm done with this" as in "this needs to be over now"  as in "this has gone on long enough". 

I wake up and I don't want to face another day where Covid19 is.... potentially everywhere and people are fighting about it or upset about it or sick or dying or unwell or dealing with it.  I don't want us to be dealing with it anymore.

And especially since there is no known end. 

We have hints of vaccines to come but that doesn't feel real or realistic and even then.... who knows.

I'm done with this.  Can it be over already please?  We've been dealing with it long enough.  Let's go back to how things were.

And I keep being told that there will never be a return to how things were, not like that, but can we at least figure out how things are now, without this pandemic?  Please?

I'm just so tired of it all.  So tired.

Sadness

I had a hard thing happen this weekend.

It was my Dad's birthday, and I got to see him but not hug him or be near him.

When it was my Mom's birthday in April I waved from outside while they waved back from their place several stories up.  Then I went home and we FaceTimed and I cried a lot that day, but it was mostly out of fear that the gift I'd dropped off, carefully wrapped and put in a bag the week before, and dropped off using gloves and as safe as I could make it, it was a fear that I'd accidentally pass on the virus to them and they'd die and it would be my fault.

I think I've since calmed down a small amount, knowing that they pick up groceries so that's a similar risk as me dropping off a gift, and they have gone in a pharmacy or a plant store so they've been potentially slightly exposed and are so far ok (knock on all the wood).  So this time it was less about me potentially infecting them and more sadness around not being able to hug them.

I cried on the drive over.  I don't know if or when I'll be able to share a space with my parents again.  I don't know when I'll be able to hug them, or be hugged by them.  As always in life, I never know if they might die before I see them again, and birthdays, especially with older parents drive this point home... we all could die at any moment, sure, but as you age, that truth becomes, I suppose statistically more valid, if nothing else.

So it was hard to think about not being able to see my Dad on his birthday.  I called and asked what he wanted to do and he said this time he'd come down to the front door.  (I suspect my Mom was napping - I think she's the more cautious of the two, feeling responsible for keeping him as safe as possible knowing they're both at higher risk.)  So my Dad came down and came out the door and walked towards me and I had to take a step back.  I made a joke of it... pulled up my bandana mask and he stopped, but damn if I didn't feel like he was coming in for a hug and I just wanted to let him.  And that was hard.

And he was blue.  Sad.  Low.  Which he isn't often like that, but he was and that was even harder.  Because I don't have a lot of positives to say about this pandemic situation and I think he's finding the nothingness of the days a little endless.  Plus not being able to see family or friends in person.  That drains you.  And this is now the third or fourth celebration we've had to do at a distance.  Perhaps the first one was... different, unique, a little interesting?  And now it's more of a reminder that we don't know when things will be more normal again.

It was really hard to see my Dad sad.  And when I FaceTimed him later he said that it was "bittersweet" to see me.

He even talked about how they're pretty sure Christmas "won't be like anything we've known before" and ain't that the truth?

I wish I could take everyone's pain away.  But I especially wish I could absorb that of my loved ones and my parents.  This is hard on all of us, in different ways, and it's hard to see someone you love hurting.

So that was hard.

And I'm so glad that the last time I saw my parents in person it was a nice visit and we hugged and said I love yous.  I said that to my Dad this time too, in person, from a bit of a distance, but still... seeing people distantly but in person is different than a phone call or a text or a FaceTime.  It just is.

Heavy Air

We had a few days this weekend where the humidity in my apartment read close to 50%.

I mention this because there was a time on Sunday when I was sitting by the window and I thought to myself "this air is heavy to breathe."

I'm not sure that will make sense to anyone else, or even to myself once things "dry" up again but yeah, somehow the extra humid air felt harder to breathe.  I suppose it's partly what you're used to, eh?

Thwarted

I had plans for this year.

I mean, I'm sure we all did, but I had a few things I wanted to work on this year... not "New Year's Resolutions" but things I wanted to do more or less of this year.

Things like... less sugar, less salt, more outside, less distraction.

And, well, since this pandemic really hit us here and we went into shut/lock down I have not had the willpower or something to do those things.  I have not eaten well.  I have, to be honest, eaten things in the last couple of months that I haven't eaten in years.  Apparently I'm not the only one going through this, it's probably something to do with living in a constant state of fear/worry/anxiety and a more ominous presence of death than usual... or something scientific like that but not only have I eaten a ton of sugar and salty things, but also gluten gluten gluten gluten gluten.  Like gluten stuff I haven't touched or really thought of in a decade or more.  Stone Wheat Thin crackers?  Yeah, I got those.  And Fig Newtons?  Yup, those too.  More than one order of Oreos?  And Twizzlers (surprise gluten!) Yes and yes.  My "junk food" intake has been... well, not healthy - especially not considering in January I was trying to make big changes due to health concerns of my own... sigh.

And outside?  That's been hard to do.  And distraction?  Yeah, been doing way more of that.  Re-watching Friday Night Lights was a decidedly wonderful distraction though so, I can't say much about that!

But yeah... realizing it's nearly June, which is the sixth month of a year that feels particularly... paused?  This is all still so unreal and I hear folks talking about a "new normal" and I'm like we're not there yet.  This won't feel "normal" for another while. 

I'm going to try, I am... to get back towards the healthy things I wanted to do this year.  And I'm not going to be too hard on myself for eating weirdly or watching lots of shows, or whatever else I've done these last couple of months. 

But yeah, I had plans for this year.  And there, so far, has been a fairly large hole in those plans these last few months.

So weird, this all.... so weird.

Clarity

As we navigate through these strange days, I am very grateful for the practitioners who are being very clear with their health and safety reopening protocols.

I've had a couple of places call and say "hey we're reopening on June 1st" and others email with a very detailed message about how they are working to keep clients and practitioners safe and well.  I know it's on me to ask for information from those who have not given it but that's a little stressful for me, and also not something I'm used to or in the habit of.  Plus we're all just figuring this out and I know my comfort level is different than that of others... I'm sure...

Anyway.  The places that are being very clear, and to my mind, very careful, I really appreciate.  I'm still not feeling up to making any appointments but it's nice to know who feels like a safe-ish place to consider going to.

Hmmm

So.... after I wrote yesterday's post (because spoiler, I'm not coherent enough in mornings to write, so I write and then set to post in the morning) I actually got changed and went outside for a walk.  It was kind of interesting actually.

I'm not sure if it was saying my fears out loud or saying how hard it is out loud but suddenly I was like "I can do this" or "I'm not going to hold myself back!" or something.  It was nice.  Nice to be honest, even if it felt not nice to do so.

But yeah, I got outside for a walk, not terribly far mind you but that's not the point.  I found a little park area I'd forgotten about and I sat under a tree for a while and watched some of the other people who were doing the same and I watched some dogs and wished I could hug them (the dogs mainly, not the people, although there are some people I really would love to hug of course!) and I listened to my music and then I walked back home and washed my hair (which always feels nice after, even though my hair can take a while to dry and all that jazz.)  So I'm glad I was honest and I'm glad it helped me feel like getting out there.

Who knows for today, but there was at least that yesterday, right?  Right.

Boxed In

I know most everyone is struggling with our global pandemic in one way or another.  I know this, and yet, I feel alone in some of my particular struggles.

See, I've been "at home" for a while now.  And I don't just mean pandemic while, I mean years before that.  Since I got sick, which feels so strange to say "sick with anxiety".... "sick with depression"?  Since my mental health got bad enough that I was pulled from work.  Since then, I have been very much at home.

And yes, that means and meant isolating. Never really willingly - more so because that's all I had the energy for.  Or that's all that felt safe?  Or "safe" at least... I suppose.  So I have been home in a very small social box for a very long time.

Sure, I'd talk to people every day, maybe only by text, maybe a call or two.  I spend time with Jason regularly, and I'd see C-Dawg or other friends now and then but social stuff?  Not something I've been great at for a while now.  But I did get out and do things... I drove to Burning Man by myself... although that, now, it appears was nearly four years ago so who knows, but I did try.  When I could.

And I've always had appointments.  Massage, physio, acupuncture, hair cuts, dentist, counselling, doctor, whatever else I've forgotten, I had those regularly.  I'd give myself a "week off" every now and then but most of the time I'd be out several times a week, sometimes a few times a day for an appointment.  And I'd shop.  Often with Jason - he'd pick the groceries and cook and I would eat the food.  Or I'd pick something up for myself or that shampoo I needed or whatever else.  And I made sure I got my "bare minimum" exercise every day, and I'd try to get myself out of the apartment most days, but yeah, I've been home for a while, but certainly not like this.

Since whenever it was in March (third week?) that our province and country shut down, or slowed down and we were asked to stay home to keep ourselves and others safe and well... since then I've not had the same experience as the last few years.  I've had few appointments.  And the only ones I have had have been at home, via a computer screen.  And I've had food deliveries from online ordering.  So I've had maybe two "appointments" a week for several months now.  Food delivery, and a counselling video appointment.  And that's it.  I still text C-Dawg all the time and we talk regularly and she dropped off a book and cookies just before lockdown.  I do still see Jason.  For food and some company.  It's honestly the main reason I'm still eating fairly well... I order online, groceries get delivered, I take them over to his place, he cooks enough for the both of us and leftovers, we eat, I take leftovers home.. rinse and repeat.

I know, I know, he's not in my household.  I know I've been breaking the rules with that.  I know all that and the guilt and fear I feel around it is endless and often overwhelming.  And I'm sorry if that angers you or upsets you or scares you, it does all the same to me but still.... I did it.  I'm sorry.

But honestly, other than driving myself over to his house?  I'm having an extremely hard time getting myself out of my apartment.  At all.

There are some days where the only reason I leave my front door is to get a "flight of stairs" on my fitbit so I can hit all my "stars" and get a virtual high five.  But even on those days I don't go outside.  I barely go outside.  I'm proud of myself if I go for a walk outside once a week.  And fuck me does that suck.

When I go to Jason's there is a back yard and I am outside, so it's not as if I never get fresh air, but it's different, at least in my mind when I go from my inside box to his fenced yard box and back.  It feels... well it feels like I'm terrified.  Which at least a part of me is.

I am finding it incredibly difficult to get outside and around my neighbourhood for walks and exercise.  And it freaks me out.

I see lots of people, or, ok, I don't know how many but it feels like "everyone except me" (which it probably isn't) out and about doing things.  I know people haven't stopped shopping.  C-Dawg and Jason both talk to me about their grocery adventures... where they go, how busy it was, and I know C-Dawg shops for her folks and in laws and, well, my folks are doing online groceries as well, so... yeah.  Sigh.  But I feel like I have, in my attempt to be well and stay healthy, I feel like I have boxed myself in extra extra tight to a box that was already fairly enclosed.

And as my psychologist said, I was just starting to get out there again... I was just starting to get back to the gym and socializing a bit more and now... this.

I am scared.  I really am.  Not just about getting sick, but about getting stuck in here.  About how to motivate myself when I was already struggling with motivation and now there's this perceived, invisible risk out there... everywhere.

I've read a few things about how this particular situation is so hard on humans because of that invisible nature of the virus.  Something something neuroscience and wiring and this is not good for us.  Especially with absolutely no end in sight.  And yes, I hear the talk that this may be "years" and I just... don't know.  I do not know how to mitigate my risk and my fear.

I do not know how to motivate myself to DO ALL THE THINGS when all the things feel literally unsafe.  I mean they always used to feel overwhelming and like... a lot, but now they feel... deadly.  But people are still doing things.  They are.  And I judge them at times.  But they are out and about and shopping and visiting and exercising and doing all sorts of things and I am not.

I am stuck in this box and I am afraid of never feeling safe enough to get out but I am also afraid of getting out and I know there is a lot of this in my head and, well, good thing I have one of those video counselling sessions tomorrow to talk about it eh?

Sigh.

This is just hard.  And I'm scared.  And scared.  And struggling.  And I'm torn.  Torn between something that feels both safe and not ok.  Less likely to catch the virus if I never leave my box, but it's no way to live being stuck inside a shrinking box. 

The Car Spider Saga

Oh dear....

So....... the spider from the other day that I tried to help.  He/she is, well, was doing better but I just had to destroy another web.  Sigh.

I noticed a couple of days after I'd tried to carefully destroy yet save the first web that spider pal had made one sort of up against the roof, horizontal, and I thought well, not sure you'll catch much there but glad to see you've figured something out.

And then when I went to my car yesterday, it had made another new web once again using my car as an anchor spot.  Sigh!

So, again, I tried to take the web down while leaving an anchor for the spider but still allowing me to get into my car and not drag the spider with me. 

But now I'm nervous to go out to my car again and see if another new web might be attached to my car again, d'oh!

I wish there was some way to leave a note... like, hey dude, you really need to not rely on this car as an anchor point, it moves, k?

A Phase

Certain things are carefully reopening around here, but I'm not.

Hmm, that sounds a little wrong, I just mean to say that although certain services are available to me starting this week, I am not rushing out to use them.

Starting this week, I could, if I wanted, look into booking a hair cut, possibly an acupuncture appointment, physio, some gyms are working on opening "soon", and I'm sure some other things I haven't been emailed or notified about yet.  And I'm not going to be booking any appointments or going to any of those places.  I don't know if/when I will again actually...

I suppose in some ways I'm waiting to see what happens over the next few weeks in terms of transmission rates and possible increases in cases.  To be honest, part of me thinks I should just go and do those things now, before, say the borders open up again or people start visiting from elsewhere, potentially bringing the virus with them.  And I know what's happening here in terms of careful openings isn't happening everywhere.  To be honest, I haven't looked at other provinces, and I'm doing my best to ignore the un-ignorable coming from U.S.-based news, and I'm unclear about other countries too.

I know we all have different populations and different living situations (some cities are far more people compacted in than we are, for example) and different known case numbers and different approaches and I know I'm only hearing the very tail end of whatever high up conversations are happening between health officials and governments and who's talking to who across the world... all that to say I know what's happening in my small corner of the world is not what's happening anywhere else and that too is an odd feeling.

So, no, I'm not changing anything on my end, not for now, not for a while, and we'll see.  We'll see what happens or doesn't happen or what unfolds or changes. 

This is all so complex, and I know when I start to think about those complexities and situations other than my own, I get very quickly overwhelmed, so while I am not oblivious to all of the other things out there and all the ways people and businesses and organizations are struggling, I'm really trying to keep myself on the lower end of panicked.  So I'm not "going there" with a lot of this.  But damn.... this isn't easy and it isn't simple.

I wish us all well.  Everywhere, I truly do.

And to quote our Chief Health Officer, the amazing,  Dr Bonnie Henry... "Be kind, be calm, be safe".

Oh....Right

Jason said something about this weekend and it being a long weekend and I said... yeah, no... it's just another Monday where some people are working and some aren't and some would like to be and others are afraid and so yeah, not feeling like a long weekend to me.  But technically it is, so happy (checks the calendar) Victoria Day!

Hope you and yours are ok, in all ways.

Paikea's Speech

Jason suggested I watch Whale Rider - a movie I remember coming out a while ago, but somehow never got around to watching.

The movie wasn't what I remember expecting from the trailers and posters at the time, but it was lovely, and touching, and there was this certain point in the movie that just broke my heart open and I cried for the next half hour or more... at least.  Big heavy crying.  Sobbing.  I was, I suppose, letting a lot go.  But yeah, there was something about this movie, and this speech and the beautiful portrayal (it did not feel like acting, just living...) that hit my very intensely.

I'm still processing, I'm sure, but it feels like something shifted in my entire system.  And I'm not even sure that makes sense to me, and I'm the one writing it.

I'm not sure this clip will mean anything to anyone but me, but I wanted to put it here, to remember.

Hope you're well, wherever you are.

Pikea's Speech - Whale Rider

Sorry Buddy!

I tried to help a spider.

(Photo unrelated, no spiders to see here!)

I went out to my car yesterday and there was a spider web, all nicely made, but one of the attachments was to my car.

I did not want the little fellow (lady?) to get dragged away with my car and end up who knows where so I carefully tried to destroy the web in a way that left it attached to the top of the car port parking thing and the post, but I felt SO BAD destroying the web!  I kept apologizing but it's hard to explain to a spider that you're actually trying to help.  I just feel like the poor little thing was like NOOOOOOOOO!  All my work!!!

I really hope that he/she made their web somewhere else, but when I go out to my car next, I'll take a look and see just in case they thought to try again there!

Anyway, I tried to help but I still felt mean... Sorry!!!

Um....

I legit have no idea how, but I have a pretty sore bruised (?) area on the top of my left foot!

I first discovered it yesterday (?) and I thought it was because I put my sandals on for the first time and they rubbed or something?  But then I put my sandals back on and they don't seem to hit that spot.

And then when I woke up today I noticed it seemed bruised but not the purple kind, the sort of off colour dark kind and now I'm sitting here honestly trying to remember if I dropped something on my foot?

Because it's entirely possible I did.  I can almost fathom a vague memory of going ouch and thinking "that will hurt" but I don't actually remember it so it might not have happened but um, yeah, I hurt the top of my foot somehow and I have absolutely no idea how and the fact that I might have dropped something on it and forgotten is actually pretty weird.

Know what I mean?

Blah

Yeah, I think things are just really getting to me this week.  Sorry.  I've been trying to be uplifting, or at least frigging neutral, but I'm just low right now I guess.  Which makes me feel bad, which doesn't help...

I'm tired and stressed.  Emotionally tired, I mean.  Although ask me first thing and I'll tell you I'm sleep-tired too.  I feel like I'm having an extra hard time looking at life right now and seeing that this.... this global virus pandemic that I don't want to be real.... this is going to go on for, maybe ever.  Or probably sort of for years?  What feels like forever, anyway.  March sucked for me.  I was terrified.  Panic attacks.  Not good.  April was ok.  Weird, and low... I had a harder time getting out of the house and I was still stressed.  But now, mid May?  I'm not feeling it.  I'm angry and afraid and this week at least?  Miserable.  Although that can change moment by moment I suppose but yeah, I'm blah.

I talked to Jason about it last night and I said that part of it is probably that I feel like I've been trying really hard to keep myself and OTHERS safe.  Like, sure, me staying inside is to keep me safe, but it's also to keep me away from others in case I'm asymptomatic and unknowingly spreading illness.  And now as we hear reports of folks relaxing.... I guess part of me is angry.  Like, I'm sacrificing, and it feels like you can't?  Or won't?  And I try try try not to judge because I don't know what's going on for them.  Maybe they've broken, mental health wise and just need to see their friends and be out on the beach.  Maybe they're at wit's ends.  Maybe they're not concerned about getting sick.  I don't know.  So I'm trying to let it go but it's hard.

I got frustrated out on a walk the other day (if I haven't already babbled about it).  They opened up the park near me to traffic again and so unlike for the past month and a half there were cars and more folks walking around.  Which on one hand is great, and parks are lovely and fresh air and sunshine is good for us but for me, it meant more dodging.  More being FUCKING ALERT for other people so I could avoid them, or pull my bandana up if unable to get far away from them (I try to avoid thin... areas where there's no room to distance)  So the walk wasn't relaxing.  It wasn't easy.  And at the end of March they were.  I'd see hardly anyone, and we'd all be far from each other.  And there was no traffic so it was easy to distance when you needed to.  But this?  This sucked.

And yes, I want to go to the beach, of COURSE I do.  I haven't seen the ocean in weeks.  But am I going to walk down to the beach that's closest to me?  With everyone else?  NOPE!  And right now that's pissing me off.

I know we're all suffering or struggling or whatever other emotions people are dealing with but .... I selfishly want my empty streets and sidewalks back. 

And I don't know how this is going to go as we head towards Summer and warmer weather and I just... I'm not supposed to think beyond today... that screws me up.... so I'll try to stop myself from going there, but ugh.  And blah.  I'm not particularly chipper right now.

And I feel pretty damn blah.

Sigh

I know, that's probably a title around here more often than not but really.... sigh.

My province is apparently "slowly" "opening up".  In phases or steps or whatever you want to call it, and I know other places around the world are doing similarly (kinda) but still... I'm feeling not so great.

Someone somewhere (I think an artist I follow on social media) said that while "lockdown/quarantine" was just a sudden stop, this... this feels less comfortable in so many ways.  (I'm sure she put it better.)  Being told to stay inside was shocking and sudden but it was also fairly defined and definite.  But now it feels like so many, too many variables.  Partial reopening of things.  You can extend your bubble slightly outside of your household.  But not inside.  And still with distancing.  And schools are going to be open again.  But also not?  But no one really feels ok with that?  And my acupuncture place is opening again but I don't feel ok about that even though I'd like some.  "Just stay home" was easier... although not easy.  This doesn't feel ok.

I can't find a reasonable-for-me place to settle.  I will still be shopping online (despite how much more I spend doing so), and I will still be avoiding stores (I think I have been in a store three times since the middle of March, and each time I was afraid.... anxiety afraid.)  I might go hang out in a park at a distance with C-Dawg but we likely won't hug (and oh how I've cried over that) and my parents won't see me any time soon and I won't hug them (yeah, more crying there, I just want to hug and be hugged so much but I'm so scared of making someone sick.)  I won't see family or friends, so my "socializing" probably won't change at all from what it is now.  So my potential change is practitioners.

My counsellors might offer in person sessions again.  Which I have been missing, a lot.   But then that means an increased risk of exposure.  But maybe not a huge risk?  But maybe too much.  And same for acupuncture (it helps a lot with my anxiety and sleep), and at some point massage I suppose (helps a lot with aches and pains) and, my hair stylist has talked about reopening and I don't need a hair cut but I feel like I should support her financially by getting one but that's exposure and all of it is just more potential exposure.

Not just FOR me but BY me.  Because I have no way of knowing if I'm an asymptomatic carrier.  I'm probably not, but I can't guarantee that, and I do not not not not not want to unknowingly get someone sick.

Nor do I want to get sick myself.  Or so on and so forth, so the "safest" thing to do is stay home.  But... like... forever?

Do I expect another lockdown to happen because of an increase in cases?  Yeah, I do.  But I try to tell myself I'm not an expert and the experts are the ones making the decisions here.

There's a meme going around... "Easing the lockdown doesn't mean we've beaten the virus, it means the hospitals have room for you now" and... ouch.  Sigh.

And oh.  Oh the things coming out of the country to the south of us.  Oh.  I am so many things.  Horrified.  Terrified.  Angry.  Furious.  Sad.  Scared.  Rocking back and forth trying to make it all go away because it is too too much.  The muddle of mixed responses.  The endless coverage.  I can't.  I mean, I do.  But I can't.  Let's leave that aside.

I am scared.

Anxiety eats up "future what ifs" and grows bigger and bigger on them.  And that's all I feel right now.  Few.... none of them good.

I've had a few people around me say that they won't continue to live in a box and I don't know how I personally feel about that.

I've kind of been living in a box for a while now with my health and anxiety stuff, but this box is different and I miss things.  I miss appointments and seeing practitioners, I do.  But it is not safe.

But it will not be safe safe for a time.  Probably a long time.  "Long" being relative.  An unknown, possibly long long time.  So what do I do?

You can't answer for me.  You can only answer for you.

I don't know what my answer is.  For a while it may be a "wait and see". 

I'm tired of dodging people on sidewalks.  It was sweet for a while when there was hardly anyone out, but now there are far more folks out and the dodging is less fun and I'm tired of it.  It tires me.  So I don't always go out.

I feel like I'm whining but this sucks right now because the reopening is making me feel unsettled and like I have to make decisions.  It was "easier" on me when the decisions had been taken away because everything was closed.  I don't know what to do now that the choices are seemingly mine again.

So, sigh. 

This sucks.

Sorry for whining.  I know I'm lucky.  That's all.

Sprummer

Well, this weekend marked the first "phew, that was warm" of the year for me.

We had a few sunny days in a row and they got warm and I ended up with my first phase of heat management in my place - using my blinds to block the sun in the middle of the day.  That, and open windows, and fewer blankets at night, and, by mid-day Saturday, I pulled out my sarong for lounging in, which really, is an indicator of summer to me.

I considered getting my fans out but it's apparently going to rain all this week and cool off so I waited.

It was kind of funny that at the same time, other folks were dealing with "WTF it's SNOWING in MAY?", and hey, I'm not complaining about glorious sunshine and deliciously long days, I'm just making conversation, eh?

So while it's still Spring and Summer is a while off, technically speaking, it crossed some sort of threshold this weekend.  At least for a few days.  Like a little bit of Summer in Spring.

Mugginess and all.

Not Going To Do It!

I am totally not going to do this, it's just something my brain thinks of from time to time.... but, lately, when I put my hair into a ponytail, I think "I wonder what would happen if I just cut off the end of that ponytail!"

Like, as in, it would probably look terrible but no one would see it cuz I'm not going anywhere and my hairdresser could just fix it eventually.

I say again, I'm totally not going to do this, nope, not at all, but the thought is there.  It kind of reminds me of that weird head doll one of my friends had that you could style its hair but of course we'd cut it and then there would be no more hair left to play with cuz you gave it a weird cut and, well, yeah.

No home cuts here.  I'm just... vaguely curious what it would look like!  (And how horrified my stylist would be when I showed up with some randomly cut hair!)

That Albert Guy Was Right

So time is no longer a thing, eh?

Well, I mean it is, insofar as how we... track it or whatever but my brain, or my ... psyche?  or whatever it is is no longer dealing with time in the same way.

Like it's squishing and extending and March was so so so so long and drawn out and never ending and then April took about a day to happen and I really have no idea how it's May and yes, I've often talked here and there about how fast a year went or "man, how is it this month already" but right now I feel like I'm really losing track of things and that the time keeping part of my reality is slipping.

I'm not sure weekends mean much to me right now... they're just another day when I have to do whatever it is and not do whatever.  And every day has the same sense of "stay well stay safe stay well stay safe" and I'm pretty much just inside all the time.... I mean, I have no appointments.  I don't GO anywhere on a regular basis like I used to.  I'm not complaining about that, I'm doing fine without whatever appointments, I just mean that I had no idea how much structure they added to my world.  "Ok, it's Tuesday, that means I have physio at 4." Whereas now, I have a sense of the name of the day because my computer and phone say the day..... but there isn't the same structure.

I do have my video counselling appointments and I do have my grocery delivery but those are two things over seven days.  Yes I have things I'm doing and keeping up with and my phone and computer diary/calendars make sure I know when things are due but things aren't defined.  I lost track of the fact that (Name of show) comes out on (day of week) because what are days even?  (Plus I don't have cable so don't need to catch them on the exact day but still)

It's weird.  I know time is still the same, it's my perception of it that is different and time really really is relative.  (And it's even weirder that so many of us, all around the frigging world, noticed the same thing....)

I'm Tired

Y'all I'm tired.

Jason had a medical event last week.  It wasn't virus related, but he did need to go to the hospital and he did not want to.  Long story short, I was freaked out (he called to say what was going on) and told him I was on my way to drive him there and then when I got to his place I passed the ambulance with him in the back of it, so, I thankfully didn't have to take him.... is that selfish?  Perhaps, but I'm scared.  I just am.

So he's fine.  Which is great.  And he said the protocols were great and that the suspected Covid patients actually apparently go to another hospital so his risk was lower (but that he still didn't touch anything and wore a mask and washed everything and showered once home).  (But he's putting himself in isolation anyway just in case.)  But me?  I'm exhausted.

I did NOT sleep the night this happened.  Not in that over dramatic way where you sleep a little but say you didn't.... I actually did not sleep.  I lay in bed, sure, but sleep?  No.  And my body hasn't recovered from that yet.  So I'm tired.

And I think I was tired anyway... this is tiring, but now I'm tired on top of that tired.

And when I got up the morning after my non sleep night I was worried at how tired I was.  Because tired can mean run down and run down can mean more prone to getting sick and I do not, have I mentioned?  I do not want to get sick right now.  More so than usual.  And, well, I never want to get sick so.. yeah.

Tired.

But yeah, Jason's fine now.  He feels dumb, and I won't comment on that... ahem, but he's dealing with things and all that stuff and me?  I am still recovering from the fear and stress and I am pretty damn tired.  And yeah, it was awful at the time, and I wish life were not this way... but it is... and apparently that's just that.

Sigh.

Green Germs

When I was a kid (and my Mom was a nurse), I was taught to "see" (really just think of or imagine) germs on things when I was sick.

So, for example, I remember being home sick from school with... whatever... bronchitis or something (because I remember one year I had it and so wasn't allowed out for Halloween which is like SO UNFAIR BECAUSE CANDY!!!!) and my Mom would set up a "sick bed" on the couch.

Meanwhile she'd be washing or airing out sheets and pillows from my bed, to get rid of the germs from there.  (I say "germs" as a general term... and I always thought they were green, probably like that slime ghost thing from Ghostbusters)

Next to that sick bed on the couch, there'd be a plastic bag that tissues would go into, because you didn't want those tissues lying around with germs on them.... you wanted the germs contained in that bag.  Etc etc.  And Mom always taught us to try to avoid wiping our eyes/nose when we were sick because that would just be spreading the germs around and you didn't want them to get into your eyes/nose, etc.

So now with this virus.... I "see" it everywhere.  We've been told from the start to wash our hands and avoid touching our face and on top of that my brain sees the "germs" everywhere.  Which is.... honestly, exhausting.  Because I know the virus is literally not everywhere, but caution suggests to act as if, and wash hands and avoid touching face and and and... sigh.  I'm tired.

I think I've loosened up a bit over the last month or two... As in my place is probably pretty clean and virus free, or at least low probability, so I'm a little more relaxed around my place.  I still wash my hands if I go check the mail or take garbage out or anything and I actually bought some handkerchiefs and I use them to open doors and things (it's my attempt to be a little more environmentally friendly than the gloves, but I have them too for things like getting gas, etc.)  And so I tell myself that between my "avoid touch" fabric handkerchief and my washing hands once I'm back in my place and still trying to not touch my face.... I tell myself that I'm doing ok.  Plus, I'm still, as far as I know (because who really knows...) I've stayed healthy this last while so... I'm doing ok.

But yeah, there is still a stressful feeling of a sense of everything being coated by those imagined green germs.... and everyone being sick and breathing out those green germs.  It stresses me, for sure.

I hope to continue to be well, and I guess my Mom's childhood sickness protocols are a mixed blessing because it was easy for me to remember them, but it's also kind of tiring to think of them all the time, rather than just for a week home sick with bronchitis....

(Plus no one's here to carry me to bed like Dad would sometimes do!)

Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

You know how sometimes you don't notice something until you notice it and then once you've noticed it you can't stop noticing it?

Yeah, well, my hair has gotten heavy.

And now I can't un-notice it.

So my hair is long but not LOOOOONG, but in order to help me save some money my hairdresser has been stretching out the amount of time between trims.  So my last trim was late Fall and I was scheduled to have a trim in March.

And I was totally ok when she cancelled it for safety reasons.  Totally, completely, 400% ok, because it's just hair and it just needs a trim, nothing major.  I can go without.

And then the other day I thought that my hair felt extra heavy in the bun thing I put it up into.  As in it doesn't really stay up well and kind of pulls at my head and it's not super comfortable and like I said, once I start noticing the feeling it's hard to un-notice the feeling and, well, my hair is heavy right now!!!

I realized it's because I haven't had a cut/trim in a lot longer than just "March".  It's actually been several months and my hair is thick and heavy at the best of times but now there are a few more inches than usual and, well... it's heavy y'all!

One little tiny part of me thinks "Oh, I'll just... use scissors and cut it and then she can fix it when things are more normal and open again!" and the rest of me is like NO!  Just, NO!

It's easiest just to ignore it and maybe even assume that the heavy feeling is stress related or something I dunno!  But yeah, it was a funny moment when I did the math and realized I haven't had a hair cut in a lot longer than a month! (More like five or maybe even six?  Whoops!)

How Long Is This Damn Tunnel Anyway?

One of the things that I kind of have to actively avoid thinking about, and I'm sorry to bring it up here and making it a permanent publicly displayed thought, is "how will this ever actually end?"

I know we're learning more and more about this virus every day, and that scientists and doctors and experts are working really really hard to figure things out and I am so grateful for that.

I just, of course, don't know the answer for myself, and that's hard for my anxiety to handle when all it really ever wants is simple, clear, very black and white answers.

(Which, hi, life doesn't really do anyway but this situation certainly isn't doing....)

So I avoid thinking of "how long" and all the rest that goes along with that, but it's hard, and it's there and I wonder and I'm scared.  And there is still a part of me, I swear, that isn't accepting that this is really happening in like a bizarre way... some kind of self preservation thing I'm sure but ugh.

Blah.

Sigh.

I don't like this.

Hold On Just A Second

You're telling me it's May?

As in we just finished April???

WHAT?

Things are so weird right now...