Man

You guys this weekend had some really brutal moments in it, and I think I figured it would and tried to be mentally prepared for it but I really didn't know how exhausted I'd be by it all.

Jason is a royal pain in the ass to travel with.  Or at least he was this time.  And if we ever talk about travelling together again I will be talking to him about this for sure.  Or I'll just not travel with him again.  Or I'll just stick earplugs in while ignoring his cursing because he did not pack the night before and can not find the things he wanted/needed even though I suggested he pack the night before and had done so myself.

I saw a sign once in someone's office that said "Lack of planning or organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." And I'm generally pretty good at trying to remember that but when the person you're travelling with works differently than you do in terms of planning and organization and front-loading the things that need to be done it's hard.  Especially when it's your first time travelling with that person and you also really don't do well with early mornings and your body wants to revolt and, well, anyway, yeah, it just went downhill from there, really.

When I travel, I'm hyper-organized.  Things are laid out a few days before, lists are made, and then more lists the night before so that I don't forget anything I need in my morning "rush"

Because I'm not a morning person I also don't like to rush too much so I have everything ready to go, and my reminder stickie notes out and I get up as late as I can and I'm out the door in five or ten minutes.  Seriously.

So when Jason said we're leaving at 5:30, and I woke up at 5:45 (because he hadn't felt the need to set an alarm and it was his trip so I just let him have it his way...) I wasn't concerned because I knew I'd be ready to leave ASAP.

And that's when Jason started to pack.

Which meant my body revolted and I was dealing with that while he was going ape-shit about things not going the way he needed/wanted them to.

Add to that the stress we sometimes have driving together (we needed to take my vehicle so I was driving) while adding being out of town and travelling and knowing he had to work later that afternoon and I was just so stressed.

Which he picks up on and reacts to badly, which then spins me out worse because I feel unsupported and I get mad and the whole thing was just ugly.

I know it's different to travel with anyone the first time, but Jason's go-to when stressed is a sort of aggressive angry sort of thing and I hate it.  It's awful for me and I don't know yet how to handle it or ignore it or what to do with it so Friday was a pretty bad morning.

I remember mid day Friday telling Jason that I could tell I was going to have a big cry and that when I did he just needed to listen.

I was so done, and when we finally got to our hotel room and had a half hour of down time before he had to work I told him I needed him to come and sit with me while I cried.

I told him I had a bunch of things to say and I didn't even really want him to listen, I just wanted to say them (I knew they were things I meant but didn't mean, like "I want to go home" and "I hate it here and didn't want to come") and he was great and just listened and held my hand as I sobbed and sobbed and let all the tension and stress out from the morning.

Of course I felt better after that and a little power nap but I'm so grateful he was able to be there for me in that way rather than snapping or telling me to pull myself together because I was at my emotional stress limit and needed a release and to just be safe doing that.

Was the rest of the weekend smooth?  No.

Did Jason have more angry/screw up moments?  Yes.

Did I have any screw up moments?  Just the times I somehow managed to piss Jason off by not doing this, that or the other (apparently I walk too slowly/too quickly in crowds)  (sigh)

It was hard because he was in work mode and so I had to fend for myself (I knew this going in, it was part of why I was nervous) and I coped with that and did chat to some folk, but I kept wishing I had a friend there that I could relax with or that Jason wasn't working so we could relax together.

We did get some touristy couple time together for a few hours and that was nice, but I was pretty high key stress wise and we had fights (for lack of a better term) and I didn't hate it but I didn't love it either.

Which was kind of what I expected.

But yeah.  Emotionally spent, is what I've been ever since we made our way home and it's been a very quiet week for me so far by necessity.

I even nearly missed C-Dawg's birthday because I was so spaced out.

Anyway, this has been a bit of a babble.  I feel like I have to vent about this weekend but I don't know who to vent to.  Jason's super busy and I don't want to impose until things settle a bit for him and no one else really understands all the layers and levels of our (weird) relationship so I guess this is my first vent and who knows if there will be more.

It's The Thirtieth... Apparently

Jason and I went away this weekend.

I didn't mention it beforehand because I was trying not to freak out too much about it all.  But I felt like there was a lot riding on it.

Jason had been asked to shoot an event out of town.  He'd asked me to come, partly to see the event, and partly to support him (assistant wise) and partly to go with him although since he was working, we didn't expect to have any "couple" time.

I'm still processing all of the weekend, and I can't really wrap my head around it yet, but I'm home and we're both still alive and speaking to each other so it can't have been all that bad, right?

Right.

My brain's pretty mush at the moment, so I'm not sure what I'll manage to squeeze out of it this week, if anything.

Hope your week is going well though.

Hey!

I never told you I'm a hero, did I?

Ok...

So my friend had her car stolen... a smaller car, but with some distinctive bumper stickers on it, and a distinctive colour.

One of our friends thought he saw her car around town later that week, and I could have sworn I did as well, but... it's not like a thief would just drive a stolen car around, right?

Except, apparently they would.

Because I was out for a walk about two weeks after her car was taken and what did I spot parked on a street by the ocean?

My friend's car.

Safe and sound... but... clearly not in her possession!

So, I called her, called the police and she came (in her rented car) and we waited together for the police to arrive, wondering what we'd do if the scary bad guy came and drove her car away.

But, yeah, go figure... my super spy training has clearly paid off.

I found a stolen car!

TA DA!

Pretty Much The Opposite of What I Expected

Something very unexpected has come out of the last couple of weekends with Jason.

I think I've mentioned that Jason is a photographer, and one of the things he does is take photos that I guess you call.. fashion photos?  I don't know, he shoots models, anyway.

I've been sort of intimidated by this because my body is SO not what I think of when I think "model" and so I've been trying hard not to compare myself to the models Jason works with... or that I imagine he works with because I've only ever seen the resulting photos from these shoots.

But the last two weekends, Jason has had a photo shoot booked, and he asked me if I'd like to come along.

I was super excited to be asked, partly because I've always wanted to see a photo shoot, partly because I'm really curious about how it all works, and, well it's always neat to see your significant other at work, and so far I hadn't been able to see Jason at work with another person, just gone on "photo walks" with him.

I was also nervous.  Nervous that I'd get in the way or interrupt his "flow" or whatever. 

But anyway, this is not about the technicalities of the shoots or how I felt about it all, this is about the fact that something unexpectedly positive came out of them.

First of all, I liked both of the girls.  (Women?  Ladies?  Models?)  They were nice and we got along but they also weren't stick thin like I'd imagined them to be.  Yes, they were pretty, but I didn't feel unattractive next to them.  They were both... almost ordinary looking?

One of the girls talked about how she and I had pretty much the same body type (I don't remember why it came up in conversation) and once she said that I looked at her and kind of went "huh."  Because I'm starting to see myself more like how I actually look rather than how I think I look and I looked at her and she's not fat.  At all.  Not six feet tall either, but still.

And her photos look great.  She doesn't look anything other than great in them.

Now, part of that is Jason's good camera work and posing, but still.  This girl was totally confident in her body and when the camera wasn't pointed her way had no problem chilling in her undies, letting herself slouch, belly out and all.

It was amazing for me to see.

The next weekend, when I met the other (very pretty) model, she asked me if I'd shot with Jason too.  Which... brain freeze, did she just assume I'm a model too?

*blush*

And same thing.  I looked at her body in her outfits and kind of went.. you know what?  She's not stick thin either... her body's not all that different from mine.

Now that's not to say Jason doesn't work with models who are tiny, and that's not to say there are tons of models who would make me feel very large and very short were I to stand next to them (I imagine) but you guys?  It was really freeing to see these models working with Jason and realize that I'm not as unattractive/fat/gross as my "bad voices" have been telling me for as long as I can remember.

So watching Jason do photo shoots with models has actually made me feel a lot better about my body and my looks.

Which is not at all what I would have expected to happen.

Not at all.

Generational? Or Just...?

Jason has roommates.

Well, technically one, but his girlfriend lives there too although I'm not sure if she's fully moved in or just...anyway, not my business, I'm just nosy!

These roommates have a decade on Jason and I and while I don't particularly notice it (we don't cross paths much) I did wonder the other night if it was an age thing I was seeing, or just a "their relationship" thing.

See, Jason was making dinner for the two of us.  (Or perhaps for all of us, I can't remember...anyway...) and I was sitting in the kitchen, out of his way, keeping him company and asking about his cooking.

I know that's not typical.  Usually it's the girl that cooks, if we're following gender stereotypes and all, but Jason can really cook and likes to so it works very much in my favour!

So while he was cooking our meal, the other couple came home from wherever and I watched as she asked him if he'd like her to make him a drink.  He grunted something in the affirmative and then stood there and watched while she prepared the whole thing, and brought it to him.  He made some sort of joking comment, that I had to bite my tongue over (although I did say something about how it wasn't particularly nice) and I sat there realizing what a dichotomy it was.

Jason and I have no typical gender roles in our relationship... well, he does open the door for me and does polite gentlemanly things but other than his manners... we both just kind of do what we're good at doing and I love that he cooks.

It was very odd to see that in direct contrast to this woman waiting on her man, who just seemed to expect it and not particularly appreciate it.

I always appreciate Jason cooking and I try to help by cleaning up or something, but I do always thank him, and I try to always thank him for the mannerly things he does.

So I don't know if it's just how Jason was raised v/s his roommate, or if it's a generational thing or just how each of them were raised.

I just don't think I've ever seen Jason's roommate cooking, and I don't think it should be something that's gender based.

Anyway... it was interesting, that's for sure.

It Just Made Me Angry

I've put off writing about this because it makes me angry.

But it keeps hovering at the back of my mind as something I have to write about, if only to get it out of my head.  I don't know... but here goes.

I was driving to work the other morning and as I turned onto one of the main streets a black BMW convertible sliced out in front of me.

I had to brake a bit to give him space as he cut across lanes from his parking spot and found myself a little surprised he hadn't been paying more attention.

I watched as the older gentleman then reached around to his windshield, pulled off the parking ticket there and chucked it onto the ground.

I then continued to watch as he did not signal, and did not yield to the pedestrian crossing, with the lights on the crosswalk.

I don't know.  The thing that made me angriest was his littering.

I understand being angry at a parking ticket.  I also can imagine what it's like to not care about parking tickets, or to not care about paying them, but to be so... can I say arrogant?  No, I probably can't but to be so... "not nice" as to chuck the damn thing onto the ground?  That seemed un-necessarily uncool to me.

I mean, crumple it up and chuck it to the floor of your car for pete's sake... don't litter with the thing.

It just seemed so...

"I'm better than everyone else"

And I know that's just my judgement and I have no idea what was going on with him or his day or what internal struggles he's going through right now but the combination of his actions did not sit well with me at all.

And I guess I just feel like I wanted to tell on him somehow.

So there you go.  The white-haired guy in the convertible BMW is a big litterer and doesn't care about parking tickets. Boo to him.  Boo, I say, boo!

OW

So I got two fillings done yesterday and I'm still hurting in one of the spots.

And that doesn't even mention the fact that I was nearly crying in the sitting room and that I did actually cry when he did one of the needles and that I spent all afternoon being unable to feel my face, both sides, thank you very much and all I wanted to do was eat something crunchy but I couldn't feel enough to eat and even speaking was weird and it hurt and even today my jaw still hurts where one of the needles went in and I do not like.

I seem to remember this happening last time too.  A week's worth of pain where the needle went in.  Probably the same side, if I think about it.

But yeah... maybe this is why I'm not enjoying the dentist anymore.  Pain.  Crying.  More pain.

And they were both just "little" cavities too.

Oh, except for the lasering away of some of my gums to get at the cavities on the one tooth.

*sad panda*

*sad sore jaw panda*

I'm Upset

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.

I mean, I guess I never really "have" to, but I've always gone, twice a year for my checkup and cleaning and yesterday was my twice a year visit.

I didn't want to go.  I'm not really sure why, but I didn't.

I've never had a problem with dentists, but I've never loved them either and my last few times haven't been something I've looked forward to.  I actually thought about cancelling this visit and that's the first time I've ever thought of doing that.  I don't know why, I just didn't want to go.

So imagine my complete misery when the dentist came in, said hello, checked my teeth and found two cavities.

I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go.

He said my mouth was "really clean" and I was "doing a really good job" just missing a couple of hard to reach spots and sigh.

I'm so disappointed.

I went to book the appointment and the first slot they could get me in was today.  Effing hurray.  So now I have to go to the dentist again... for fillings.  I am so not happy about that. 

I told C-Dawg I was leaving work at lunch to get fillings and wasn't looking forward to it.  "Do they hurt?" she asked.

Which... I didn't know how to answer because my brain just froze... WHY.... DOESN'T... SHE... KNOW?

C-Dawg has never had a filling, never had a cavity.  Never.

I can't even...

I'm sad and jealous I guess and wishing my teeth worked differently or my mouth acid or whatever it is that means that I'm still getting cavities as an adult and she's never had any even as a child.

F**k.

I know, I know, first world problem but still. 

Boo.

*pout*

Sigh.

Hypothetically?

So perhaps the question one should ask one's self is what would one do if one were to go to the nude beach when one was, shall we say, dealing with one's special lady time of the month...

Well, you see, one might not think about this before going, because one knows that one can swim during these times, but one might then realize that if one is to be fully nude... um... things... uh... well... uh...

So, what one will most likely end up doing is keeping one's swimming trunk bottoms on even though that feels slightly weird considering one has already been fully nude in front of many of these folks before and sigh.

One does tend to wish one just didn't care about what other people might be thinking or feeling... one does.

Different

I'm fighting off a cold/bug/sickness of some sort so I'm a little on the tired and possibly grumpy side so forgive me ... for whatever my brain comes up with or...doesn't come up with.

The short version of today's story boys and girls is that I like to wear an article of the boy I like's clothing.

I just always have (is it a girl thing in general, or just a me thing?) and I can remember being in elementary school and a "friend" wearing the jacket of a boy I was "dating" and how HORRIFIED I was that she would so clearly break the rule.  We all knew that her wearing his jacket was a statement she shouldn't have been making. 

High school crushes would sometimes lend a hoodie when it was too cold, or a jacket when they were heading back to the city and wanted to make sure we'd see each other again.

Even movies do that whole thing where the girl is cold and the guy takes off his sexy suit jacket to place it gently over her bare shoulders and pretty dress.

For me, there's something about being in a piece of clothing that he's worn, especially if I've seen him in it, and especially if it's big on me that makes me feel comforted.  Safe, and warm, yes, but also like a little bit of him is there and we're connected and he likes me and... yeah.

I've probably talked about it here, (I could search the archives to check) but with both Smith and Jay, I asked for articles of clothing at various times and was denied them because each guy "needed" it, or, as it felt at the time, didn't want to give it up because they weren't sure they'd ever see it (or me) again.

It's been rough for Jason and I this last while and the other week things were pretty tough and I wasn't sure we'd have time to talk about it or what and I knew he was dealing with crunch time with work so I wanted to not have to pester him for... whatever... reassurance?  some kind of positive mental connection?  I don't know.  I just didn't want to bug him when I knew he was going to be so busy, so I asked him if I could borrow a hoodie or something.

And Jason nodded, said "of course" and then went and got me his favourite hoodie.

You guys, he got me his favourite.

I hadn't asked.  Would never have assumed, from recent experiences that he would give up the one he likes the most, but he did.  And it meant a lot to me.  It really did.

Every guy's different, I know this, and things are still... not easy with Jason and I but he, probably unknowingly made a big statement when he got me his hoodie.

He made me feel like I mattered to him, that I was important, and that he knew we would be seeing each other again.  That it wasn't over.  Somehow.

I don't know, I can't quite properly put my finger on it, you know?

It just... sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference.

Awkward!

So when I made my list the other day, to help settle my mind, I put down all the things I could think of that were somewhere on my mental to do list.

One of those things is to take photographs of Jason.  He's said he'd "model" for me to help me figure out light and how to "direct" people to pose and stuff.

Now, unfortunately, what I wrote down on my to do list was "shoot Jason".

D'oh!

I don't think I'm going to enjoy prison at all.  Not even if Piper and Suzanne are there.
 

I Had No Idea

Penises.

Well that should bring some interesting people to this post via web searches, shouldn't it?

But, I mean.. really.  Peni... (is that the formal plural?)

So Jason and I went back to the clothing optional place, and while I know the whole idea is that you don't notice people are naked, I can't help but notice that people are naked!

And although it's not a sexual place (for me, and I'm assuming for most others) I can't help but look at the sexual organs that are out and about.

And last time we went I was astounded to notice that penises come in many many different shapes and sizes.

I mean, I guess I "knew" that, the same way that I know that breasts come in different shapes and sizes but a) I have breasts, and so I'm kind of used to them and b) I've been around naked women in locker rooms and such way more than I've been around naked men.  I mean, let's be honest, I've only seen as many naked men as I have...er... been naked with myself (if you get what I'm saying) and that's only one at a time and it's not as if I have a mental picture of all of my boyfriends' you know what's and I've never compared so... anyway, I'm just saying, this is I have never before been around so many penises.  (Peni...penis..esses)  I've really only ever seen one at a time!

They're everywhere at this beach!  Or so it seems to me anyway.

And here's what blew my mind.

I know I'm not really supposed to be looking at them, but I kind of couldn't help it the other day and I'm shocked to say I had no idea they were all so different to begin with.

Like, I've heard from guys that some guys are "growers" and some guys are "showers" which I was told meant that some guys start smaller and "grow" as they get aroused and some guys start bigger and don't grow much when they get aroused.

But when all of a sudden you're confronted by five, ten, fifteen man parts, you can't help but notice that there are huge differences in what they all look like!  Some are small, some are fat, some have huge hanging ballsacks (sorry, I should have put a "eewwww gross" warning on this post) and some you can't even see the balls.  I can't say I've ever noticed one where I went wow, that's large, but I did notice one where I went, wow, that's ...fat.  I think it was the first time I had a really visual representation of why guys might feel insecure about their dicks.

I had always wondered why guys cared, because as a woman, once it's doing what it's meant to do, I'm happy.  I don't care what it does when it's.. asleep, or how it looks once it's awake.  I care about who's attached to it and what we get up to together (did I put that delicately enough?)

So yeah... that was an eye opening experience.

Those things come in all sorts of sizes and shapes and girths and accompanying ball...sack sizes.

It's actually really weird, to be honest.

Penises are like the breasts of the male world.

(Except some women would like smaller ones, and according to the spam I get, no man wants a smaller ding dong.)

Brain Melt

Since I'm not taking my newest camera (a Nikon) to Burning Man this year (because I'm going, right?  Right.) I'm going to take my Canon.

I had this Canon last year but took my slightly older one, and I guess I'm doing the same this year.  Just means I have a slightly better camera this year than I did last year, but my "really good" camera and lens are staying home.

I decided I should probably try shooting with the Canon again before I head out to Burning Man, especially since I really didn't shoot in anything other than Auto with the thing.

So I went out yesterday with my Canon in hand and flipped it over to Manual mode.

And... I couldn't figure out how to change my settings!

It's so weird being used to one camera and its dials and such and then switching to another and finding nothing's where it should be.

And with these two cameras, the Nikon has two dials I use to change aperture and f stop, but the Canon has only one dial!

I felt like I was in a foreign country for the first while.  I stood there staring at the camera and trying to remember how it worked and trying to figure out what each little button did and nope, nope, nope, argh!

It was amusing, because I wasn't in a rush, wasn't worried, knew I'd figure it out either eventually by myself, by asking Jason, googling online, or finding my camera manual.

So I gave up for a while and just shot on auto, and I think I fell into working with the camera and lens again pretty easily.  Feels natural I guess.  Had a Canon for years after all.  Haven't had the Nikon even half a year. 

After a while my brain kind of got over the hump and I remembered the button I could press and so now I can run in Manual mode on the Canon.

I'm not sure if I will at Burning Man or if I'll just set it on Auto and worry about the shot I'm taking rather than the light.  Not sure.  May talk to Jason about it and see what he thinks I should try/do.

Taking photos at Burning Man this year may be another entire post as I'm not sure how much of it I want to do... maybe a lot more than last year, maybe about the same amount, I don't know.  First of all I have to figure out the details of actually for sure getting there and back before I figure out the smaller things like how much do I want to have my camera on me this time...

I just wanted to share how weird it felt to be going from one brand to another and how I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and it all felt weird and unnatural.

It's funny what we get used to, eh?

Really?

My car, apparently, should not be kept clean.

Because it seems to me that whenever I go to the trouble of washing it or having it washed a bird promptly poops on it.

Like...really.

Maybe there's something about the newly washed shine that attracts birds?  Or maybe it's just the Universe having a giggle, I don't know.

I just know that a) birds seem to always poop on my car just after I wash it and b) if a bird ever poops on my windshield, it is invariably right smack dab in my area of vision.  Like, right at eye level.

*shakes fist at little birdies who poop on cars*

Bettering

When I noticed this weekend that my worry level (call it anxiety if you must, that term just makes me feel like more of a victim than I like) had spiked, I did what I could to manage it.

Not control it... all of the mindfulness and meditation and psychology readings all say you can't control feelings, even trying to do so aggravates things, so don't try to control them, let them be.  But I also know that there are things that make me feel worse when I'm worried, and things that can help to settle my mind.

I also know I can get stuck in a cycle of worry and not taking care of the good things and then feeling yuckier and then it can just go on and on, so I do what I can to stay out of the deep cycles.

So when I noticed that I wasn't feeling that great this weekend I did a few good things and I missed out on a few.  I told Jason I was feeling extra worried.  I told him this not to make him do anything about it but just so he knew I was a bit on edge  Jason and I are getting really good at communicating even when we're neither of us at our best and I'm pleased about this. So I told him I was edgy.  We headed outside and that helped.  Sat on beaches by the water and soaked up some sun and fresh air.  Jason made us some really good, healthy food.  That was good.

I wasn't as great with exercising as I could have been, and that's my bad for not fitting it in to my schedule.  I also missed a day of meditation when Jason invited me to stay Saturday night and when I'm at my high worry times, missing meditation is noticeable.

I also cleaned.  Not the dusting and cleaning that I've put off for a while, I did that mid-week, I mean I tidied.

Having things lying about my place isn't my favourite thing on a good day but when I'm worried?  Tidying things up really helps settle my mind.

So does writing lists.

Getting the feeling of "I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO!" physically out onto paper somehow lets my mind rest a bit.

So Sunday night I tidied up a few things that were laying about, I wrote lists, I got fresh air and vacuumed my car, took out the trash and recycling, and made time to meditate.

It just takes things down a notch.  Which helps a lot.

In the moment, and long term too.

Just Breathing

Soooooo I was out and about this weekend (a glorious weekend if I may say so) and I (boldly!?) jumped into a conversation between strangers when I overheard one of them mentioning Burning Man.

"Are you going this year?"

"Yes.  I have two tickets but not sure who I'll be going with."

And my brain wanted to dance around.

I didn't want to be rude and say SELL ME YOUR EXTRA TICKET but I did so I just mentioned that hey, I have someone who really needs a ticket and I'm sure he'd love to buy yours.

We exchanged emails and messaged back and forth a few times and I went ahead and emailed Connor.

"Connor, I may have a lead on a ticket, are you for sure not going this year?"

Because last I heard Connor had been denied his time off work.  This combined with him not having a ticket had him really discouraged and giving up on being able to go this year.

Which put me in the spot I've been trying not to be anxious about of not knowing if I can go, or how.  Because I really don't feel I can do the driving myself.  I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough with going with a stranger, either in my own vehicle or theirs.  In talking to the random guy the other day he suggested I could fly down and fit everything I needed into a duffle bag and rent a bike, but... I don't know, that just doesn't seem like what I'd want to do, but I suppose it would be an option if I had to.

So I emailed Connor and he called me back right away.  He was excited to hear I maybe had a lead on a ticket, and he was going to go in to work and talk to them again about time off.

He called me an hour later.  He'd gotten permission to take the time!

I think I cried.  I was so relieved and excited and still wanting to be cautiously optimistic but all of a sudden I had someone (I know) who was able to travel down with me, and able to bring my gear back for me if work won't give me all the time off I'm requesting.  (Let's not talk about my stress level there either, mkay?)

So yeah... I'm trying to just stay calm because it still might maybe possibly not work out (if we can't get a ticket for Connor) but dudes... it's so much closer than it was a week ago. 

Which is funny, because I had a couple of hours of jubilation and OMG I'M ACTUALLY GOING!!!! And... that turned into... OMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!

Which is not really true, but it did send me into a higher gear of putting together playa gifts (I'm making little necklaces this year like the one I was given and loved last year) and that made it all the more real too.  I don't have a lot to do but my anxiety and worry about it has shifted gears slightly.

Before, I was worried about the IF I would get there.  Or the HOW I would IF I would get there.

Now that it's more likely I WILL get there, I'm worried about... what that looks like.

Because as it stands right now it would be just Connor and I.  Which means higher gas costs (split between two of us rather than four of us) and that's not a huge deal but what if we get tired of each other?  What if we don't want to hang out together?  Or if I don't want to hang out with him?  And the real crunch of it all... I'm going there alone.  Pretty much.  Because yes, Connor and I know each other, are friends, get along, all of it, but I won't have a "person" there.  Not Jay or my co-worker or anyone.  I don't know anyone who's close to me who's going.  So there's part of me that's worrying about what it all will look like.

Sure, I did things on my own last year, but I also always had in the back of my mind that I was going to meet up with Jay later.  And Jay and I had some really nice cuddle times and chilling doing awesomely random things that are now great memories times.  I'm sure Connor and I will make some great random memories too but it's just that I can't visualize what all it will look like.

Which, is not my favourite thing.

It's funny, maybe Burning Man is just always going to push some of my buttons.  Not knowing exactly what's going to happen.  Possibly needing to go through the entire thing by myself without the safety blanket of a "person" there for me, no comfort zone other than myself.  I don't like doing things by myself, I like to have someone to share with but... this may not happen.

Or, it could turn out that Connor and I have a blast hanging all week and it's just perfectly balanced.  Or we could camp next to people who turn out to be our new BFFs or we could travel with someone else last minute and all this worry will be for nothing.

Which, I mean, that's part of what I'm trying to learn right?  No point in worrying about it when it's going to be whatever it's going to be.

But I'll tell you, watching my worries shift from one thing to the other, and then seeing how that ratcheting up of anxiety sent off a bunch of other worries was interesting.  Good that I was able to observe it if not avoid it.

So, yeah.  Connor needs a ticket.  I really hope that happens.  I would like to get a longer time off of work than I've currently been told I can have, and I really hope that happens.  But... things are progressing positively.  Later in the year than I would have liked, but still... letting things go... breathing... trusting... breathing... trying to chill.  Did I mention breathing?

Yeah.

Ok.

Deep breath.

Argh

Well, I just sat here and had about three different things I was going to say but I got distracted by texts and now they're all gone... sigh.

So... random things.

Right this minute I swear I can smell wet carpet.  Like the smell of someone getting their carpets cleaned.  Not sure where the smell's coming from and don't feel like investigating.

I'm also hungry.  But want to be sort of junk food-y but also want to be sort of healthy.  Should probably drink some water and go from there.  Bah.

I'm re-watching the O.C.  It came into my brain as a sort of craving out of nowhere and I'm just going with it.  Let's pretend I never mentioned it but oh man such great music, eh?

Wait, it's the weekend, isn't it?  Why am I worrying about what my brain was trying to say?  It's brain-holiday time, wheeeee!

The Incident

Soooooo.... I lost my sleeping bag.

Kind of.

I was pretty sure I'd put it back into C-Dawg's basement, but she couldn't find it.  Wasn't a big deal because I figured I could just buy a new one but last time I was over there, I decided to take a look through the basement myself.  So cell phone "flashlight" in hand, I managed to find my sleeping bag hurrah!

Now, I didn't bother cleaning it when I got back from Burning Man so it had been put away as is.  I hadn't thought it was that dusty but when I took it out (in anticipation of a possible camping trip this month) it smelled a little musty and I could see a bit of dust on it.

I didn't think I'd bother cleaning it but then the other weekend I figured I may as well give it a shot.

Jason had suggested I take it to get dry cleaned, but I figured I'd safe myself some money (and chemicals) and just clean it myself.

My apartment building has shared laundry facilities so the machines are a bit bigger than standard and I figured it'd work just fine.  I stuffed my bag in and figured I'd put in a little less than the usual amount of detergent, but since I wanted the thing clean I would still make sure it got cleaned.

I always set my kitchen timer and when the thing went off I headed back down, twoonie in hand, to switch the bag over from washer to dryer.

Except... no.

Uh oh.

I guess I didn't really think things through and/or really understand the whole warning label about "oversudsing" but what I walked into in the laundry room was a front loading washing machine that was full of bubbles and suds.

D'oh.

So, not really sure what else to do to cover my tracks, I used my twoonie to put the entire thing through another wash cycle, with the hopes it would wash out the soap and bubbles.

Yeah, no.

Thought for a bit this time, two twoonies in hand.  I pulled out the bag (spilling masses of bubbles all over the floor in the meantime and tried to scrape off some of the soapy suds into the sink.  Got it all over the floor in the process so went back to my apartment to grab some towels to clean the floor (did not want to call the resident manager for a mop!)

I separated the bag into two sides and ran them both through a no-added-soap wash and things were a bit more normal when I got back down there.

So, long story short, I now have a fresh, clean sleeping bag, and I now know what "oversudsing" means!

Ta da!

Constant

Change being the only constant (so they say but I don't know how much I believe them on it being the "only" constant...but anyway) I thought I'd sort of try to bring you guys up to speed with regards to things with Jason.

To recap (ie. Last week on "name of tv show here") things haven't been great.  I've had a really bad week or two and gotten through some personal things the relationship has brought up.  We tried to reconnect a bit and life threw stuff at us and that's sort of where we're at, I guess.

Right now, as of the moment of my fingers typing this out things are good.  With me, at least.

Things with Jason and I aren't resolved, life isn't as pretty as the movies make it seem but we have communicated really openly, honestly and clearly over the last few days and it's been what we both needed.

So right now I'm feeling good.  Good because at the very least I've had the experience of being really honest with someone I care about and having been heard.  I've stood up and said what I felt, but I've also been able to be more mature.  Not that I didn't storm out of his room heading home having given him the double middle fingers, but... ahem... I did at least stop, pause, take a breath and stomp back to his room and say "do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay and try to talk this out?"

So have I been 100% cool, calm, and collected in all this?  Oh hell no, but I've been not bad.  And once I got through the un-cool, un-calm, and un-collected, I felt better.  I'm not expecting anything, I'm keeping my "gee I secretly hope it goes this way" under control and I'm being honest.  I'm not mincing words... I'm not pretending I feel any differently than how I feel.

And I think it's really good for us.

Jason has said from the beginning that no matter what he'll always be a friend in my life.  I don't have that experience with a lot (any?) of exes but I do feel like I see how if we establish this level of communication and trust and openness we might just pull that off even if we don't end up being romantic partners.

Not that that's what I want to happen, but... anyway, I'm just saying, this feels right now that no matter what, it's good for us that we've talked like this.

I don't know, I'm not even sure if this is making sense anywhere other than in my head and my gut but right now things are fine.  I feel fine.  Nothing's fixed, but...it might just be in repair.  (Great, now I'm singing John Mayer...)

So, yeah, I thought I'd say that.  Say that I'm feeling good right in this moment, because I don't always get to writing that down, I don't always remember to take the time to say "I'm good" here...because often here is the place I come to self-soothe and to vent and to talk things out.

Don't know how I'll feel at any other time;  later, tomorrow, next week, month, whatever, but right this moment?

I'm ok.  I'm fine.  I'm good.

There you go.

On Writing

I was thinking this weekend as I sat and typed some things out on my laptop that writing is a solitary thing.

See I was fussing in my head about the fact that Jason was working Saturday and so didn't have time to see me and then the next thought was "oh, well, I need to write some posts for next week anyway, and I couldn't do that if I was seeing him."

Which, I guess I'd never really thought about that before.

I can only speak for myself while assuming many others are the same way but I write alone.  I can't write and carry on a conversation.

If I'm in the middle of a thought or telling a story or writing out something, a phone call can throw me right off.

Sometimes, I can even distract myself and lose whatever it was I was trying to say, but yeah, writing is a solitary event.

Even when I'm writing about a connection or relationship with someone else I'm doing so alone.

I'm not complaining about it, just noticing it.

I like to write.  I think I actually *need* to write.

But it's not a social thing.

Just me, alone with my thoughts.

Go figure.

If You're Young(er)

If you're young(er) and exercising, enjoy it.

No, seriously.  Because I'm not old, but I'm not super young anymore and exercising is trickier.

Things hurt a lot easier.  Get hurt a lot easier.  Take longer to feel better, tweak and twinge at the smallest of provocations.

That time you slammed your foot into the shopping cart two summers ago means you can't run without pain.  Sometimes can't walk without pain, and I know these things happen to young(er) people too but more and more I hear my friends and I recovering from injuries that didn't used to happen.

C-Dawg keeps popping her rib out.  Doesn't know if it's the weeding that did it, or the running, or just sleeping on it weird.

Because, yeah, all of a sudden you can sleep weird and be in pain the next day, next week it's ridiculous.

So if you're younger and you feel stiff and sore but you've got no aches and pains or popped ribs or broken toe fragments or tweaked backs or S.I. injuries, frigging enjoy that.

Trust me, enjoy being able to throw yourself about with abandon.

Oh, and drink more water.

It won't do anything but good.

Blah Blah Blah

Blah blah blah angry, blah blah blah, hurt, blah blah blah, fine, blah blah blah, strong, blah blah blah, whatever.

How was your weekend?

Jason and I tried to hang out but both nights something unexpected came up and our nights were cut short.

We did get some much needed conversation in but not the also much (much) needed cuddle time.

So, what's new with you?  Did you celebrate this weekend (if you're 'Merican?) or did you watch soccer (football)?  Or did you do nothing much at all?

I'm a little on the grumpy so will refrain from writing more until I'm in a less pissy mood.

Un... Motivated

I gotta clean my place.

Well, I mean, I don't "have" to.  That's part of the problem.  But I feel like I should.

Like, I just ran my finger along the window sill and it's dusty.

So I know everything's dusty.  And it's a small place so it won't take that long to do but... but...

I don't want to.

Sigh.

I'm feeling un-motivated.

Maybe you should tell me you're coming over to visit and then I'll freak out that my place is "messy" and will feel the need to tidy it? 

Or maybe I should just put on some music, suck it up and get 'er done.

Siiiigh.

I just don't wanna!

In A Good Way

I have two clocks in my place.

And since it's a small apartment, I can hear both clocks most of the time.

Every once in a while the two of them will tick in sync.  And it's the coolest, weirdest thing ever.

Because if you listen to it, it sounds like it's in 3D... which, doesn't make sense, but then you'll come back to listening to them again and they'll be back to being slightly off.

But, yeah, in those moments when they're tick tick ticking away together?

It reminds me what I wish my life felt like.

Finding Myself

One of the things I realized last week with all that was going on and I was working through was that I have to figure out how to be ok on my own.

I mean, I know this, but I'm applying it differently.

I guess I just sort of mean that I have to be ok on my own when I either don't have a boyfriend, or my boyfriend is busy.  Doesn't matter if I think he should be making time for me or if I'm upset that we haven't seen each other enough, I still need to be happy and enjoying life on my own.

Sounds stupidly simple maybe, but it's something I have to actively work at.  Doesn't mean I can't spend time with other people, just that I need to reach outside of the small bubble I sometimes accidentally put myself in.

My friends having kids is part of that bubble because often on my down time I don't want to have to interact with a young person, I'm not completely relaxed around them so it's a bit more effort than I'd like to make sometimes.  It's just different with kids.

But anyway, was just sitting here thinking of that and thought it was worth putting down on paper.

Because, yeah.  Especially when I'm in a panic-type crisis, I feel like I won't make it if I don't talk to someone.  And there's a balance between asking for help and reaching out for support from loved ones, that's a good thing.  But there's also times when I feel like I need to learn to not distract myself, but to feel what I'm feeling and get through it that way.  To not ignore/stuff/hide from/distract myself from the feelings, but to feel them and get through to the other side.

I feel like that's important right now.

Try Not To Think About It

Umm... I totally forgot what I was going to write about.  Oh, no, wait, there it is, nevermind...

Ok, so you know how I've been doing mindfulness meditation and it's been going well?

Well, there's one thing that happened for a while that I've been meaning to talk about.  It has to do with breathing.

I don't know if you've ever experienced that joke/prank/urban legend thing were someone tells you to think about your breathing and how your lungs fill and then empty and then they go "Ha!  You're manually breathing now because you're thinking about it and if you stop you'll die!" and it all feels really weird for a while because it does feel like you're making yourself breathe and it takes a while to remember that no... you're actually not, your body just does it by itself, you don't have to tell it to?

Or whatever it is that happens?

Yeah, for a few weeks there I was having a hard time with focussing on my breath during the meditation because it felt like I was doing weird things to my breathing.

Like, I was thinking about it or counting the breaths or focussing on it so much that it almost felt like I wasn't able to breathe.  I got sort of uncomfortable or almost panicky and that would distract me?

At one point instead of counting the in breaths, the focus was changed to the out breaths and I found that I didn't have that weird, almost panicky feeling and so I stopped worrying about it, and now it's generally fine and I can notice my breathing without THINKING about my breathing and making it weird.

If that makes sense.

But, yeah, I just wanted to say that that happened and it's better now but also apparently not unusual.

In fact, I should probably stop writing about it now before things get weird.

Oh Yeah

Happy Canadada...da day!

The summer holiday days always seem to sneak up on me.

Sneaky holidays!

Have a good one, eh?

Spin Cycle

I've been trying to sort of observe, when I can, the cycle of bad I've felt really stuck in lately.  Like, I mean, how do I end up feeling like my entire world is ending and I can't even take another breath kind of cycle sort of mind spinning badness.

So let me babble a bit here and see if anything comes out.

Ok, so things aren't working with Jason and my's relationship.  And things used to work better, but aren't working now and I a) don't know if that's a pattern that might change back to being better or b) the first while was the unusual part and the non-working part is the way it's .... always going to be?

So then if I even start to try to figure that out, because once I have an if-then kind of thought like that I feel like I automatically have to figure it out.  Like, now, so that I can make whatever decisions need to be made.  Like, do I stay?  Do I keep pushing through the bad?  Do I get out?  And then I start arguing for and against each of those things.

Like... "I should stay."  I should stay because all relationships are hard and you can't just leave when things are bad.  Right, but this hasn't just been bad for a week or two, it's been bumpy for a while.  Yeah, but it wasn't at the beginning so it hasn't always been this way, plus, change is the only constant so things will probably change.  And are you maybe over-reacting to a bad week?  Or a bad week and a not awesome week before?  What about the good things?  But, no, I shouldn't stay because I'm not getting what I want/need/deserve out of this relationship and that's not ok.  And then this just keeps spinning and spinning in my head and I get physically upset.  My head starts to hurt, I'm probably clenching my jaw, my stomach gets tight, nauseated, and I feel like crying.  Like I have to make a decision to end all the feelings.  And the only way to really make the feelings go away completely is to end things.  Done.  Over.  Now.  Finished.  Which I've done, and then realized it doesn't actually change anything and the feelings haven't gone away, it was just a momentary release and relief of phew, I walked away so I don't have to figure this stuff out anymore.

And then each of those arguments springs up another argument within the same realm.  Or an offshoot of the same argument.  Like... "what about the good things?"  I'm not paying enough attention to them.  Sure, but there haven't been a lot lately.  Ok, well maybe you're just wanting too much.  Bullcrap, you're not expecting too much, just what's common decency and respect.  Ok, but he doesn't have time.  That's also bullcrap.  He's not making time, he's clearly not interested, and you know you deserve better, this is you letting yourself put up with less than you deserve.  That's not the question, I'm trying to point out that there are good times.  Etc., etc.

And so the anxiety and spinning and awfulness just gets bigger and bigger and tighter and tighter and worse and worse and it can feel hard to breathe and everything feels overwhelming and all I want to do is make it go away.  Have someone come fix it.  Talk to Jason and be better.

But last week I told myself I knew he was busy with a work/volunteer thing and so I should try to just deal with it all myself.  That maybe that was part of the lesson I was to learn here, that I could calm my mind and the consequent body upsets myself without needing someone else (usually a man) to come and make it better.

So I had some moments where I'd actually text myself.  Seriously.  I realized I could do it with iMessage so instead of texting Jason to say "help", I texted myself and then texted myself back and said Hey, you're ok, just breathe, I love you.

Maybe sounds cheesy or dumb from the outside but I think it helped.  I mean, if I can't reach out to myself, what's the point?  I downloaded some exercises back in Spring that were "self-compassion" exercises and while I haven't started them yet I do remember the first one being about learning to talk to yourself the way you would to a friend in need, so I guess it was my way of trying to do that.  I love helping my loved ones.  I think I'm pretty good at it.  I care.  I love.  I feel deeply.  Why not do that for me?

I also would start to spin while trying to find "the answer."  Like, the black and white clear response, even though when I did talk to some of my friends they all very clearly said there did not seem to be an answer and that I would just have to figure it out.  Which, I guess I was hoping someone would say "Do X" and I could go... yeah... that's clearly right.

So I'd try to find the answer, what I'd take to Jason when we did manage to find some time to talk or whatever and this would start to spin me out because of all the layers.  So many layers.  And something that I found helped would be to talk it out, out loud, as if Jason were there.  Because I would end up crying.  Crying because when I talk it out like that it's sad.  But then I'd finish the "conversation" and feel better somehow.  Even though nothing changed.

Yes, exercise has been helping, but that's only a small time in a large day, so I've been trying to cope the rest of the time too.

So my need for an answer hasn't helped.  My need to make things black and white and make a decision hasn't helped.  My constant arguing and cross-arguing hasn't helped.  But other things have.

Lots of things set me off.  Insecurities that are very very near the surface.  Worries.  Stressful tv shows even.  I'm not sure what the right/best things to be doing are, but I'm trying and I'm coping and that's... good. 

Vent

Please just let me vent.

I know it's a matter of me just having to suck it up but I really want to go to Burning Man and I really don't want to have to travel with (potentially weird or not-likeable) strangers.

I JUST WANT IT TO WORK!

I know I can always just not go this year but I'll be so so sad, but I also know I'll be sad and feel awkward if I go and am going and camping with people I don't know.  I know the whole spirit of the thing is to go and meet new people but I'm not that person.  I'm not ready to be that person.  I need a little bit of a safety blanket, a little bit of a safe comfort zone and right now I don't have one at all.

I don't have anyone, and I'm feeling like it's crunch time and I don't see how it's going to work.  I sort of felt like Jay was my hail mary and I really wanted it to work and it hasn't so now what?

Jason can't go.  My friend from work isn't going.  My friends from last year aren't going.  I don't feel safe or comfortable going by myself.  None of my other friends want to go, I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hook up with strangers to go.

I want a better solution than that and I don't know what to do.

Please, please, please Universe... Playa... Karma... whatever... please help, please!

Not A Golf Analogy

I had an(other) interesting realization with regards to Jason the other day.

We were talking about his business and I was listening to his plans and kept asking him questions about small, immediate details of how he was going to manage this, that or the other.

He told me that he was talking in terms of the long game, not the short game and I realized that I can't do one with out the other.  I maybe see the long game, but my focus is always on the short game and how to deal with that.

Which made me wonder if that's a bit of an issue for me in terms of relationship.  Playing the long game instead of the short game?  I mean, yes, there's some value in looking at a partner and asking yourself if he would make a good husband, or someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but if I'm continually doing that, continually wondering if we'll see each other next weekend when we're hanging out on a Monday, am I playing the long game in my head instead of being in the short game right now?

I don't know, I'm not saying the analogy is perfect or that it even works, it just kind of triggered some thoughts in my head that I'm not even sure are making sense now that I'm trying to say them out loud.

Like maybe when I'm stuck thinking about the long term of a relationship, I'm not actually seeing the good in the right now of it.

Annnnyway.  That was a weird babble, eh?

Guess it's good it's the weekend.  Here's hoping this is a good one, I'm tired of pushing through the rough ones.

Pfho to graffy

Because really, what kind of language says "F" but spells it "ph"?  Seriously!

Anyway.

I had no idea what to write at some point last week and I must have been complaining to Jason about it because he suggested I write about how I'm feeling about photography now that I've made some changes.  I whined that I didn't want to but when I was out and about with my camera yesterday I did think of a few things that I've noticed.

Ok, so first of all I changed from a Canon to a Nikon.  And from a nice 50mm lens to a "professional grade" 50mm lens.  (ie.  the lens cost almost as much as the body.)

This really bothered me for a long while.  I didn't like the colours the Nikon was giving me, and on top of that Jason suggested that I needed to really work on getting my shots crisp and I had a hard time with that.  It had never been something I'd bothered with before and so now having this as the main focus of my shooting pretty much sucked.

I had to try to hold the damn fancy lens still enough that it could take a picture that wasn't blurry upon being blown up (or zoomed into.)  Why?  I don't know, still don't really know other than Jason says that people who know will notice.

So for a few months all I did was take a photo and not like it because it wasn't clear or crisp enough.  I had to learn to slow down, which also made things less fun and for a while I just wasn't enjoying anything.

Jason also had me start shooting in RAW and start using Aperture instead of iPhoto.

All I did was shoot in RAW format, upload the photos to Aperture and leave them there.  Except to delete almost everything.

This was around the same time flickr went stupid and I just started to wonder why on earth I was bothering.  My photos sucked (to me) and I didn't like how they looked and it wasn't fun to share them anymore anyway.

Blah.

After a while I did manage to start getting to a point where my photos were sharp enough and Jason said I should start shooting on manual instead of aperture priority.

I was SOOOO happy!  Yay!  Manual!  Yay!

Except... I have no idea what I'm doing.

So we'd get somewhere, and he'd say, ok, are you dialed in?  And I'd go.. uh... no?  And so he'd take my camera and fiddle with it and say there you go and I'd take photos and hate them.

Like we went out to Sombrio, a beautiful beach I haven't been to in years and I took a bunch of photos and I hated pretty much all of them.  Jason asked what I hated and I couldn't really put my finger on it.  Everything?

Didn't help that he'd then show me the shots he got in the exact same area and I'd feel even more like crap.

He told me it was completely unfair of me to be comparing my shots to his, that that would be like me comparing the bowl I made in grade 10 art to that of a master sculptor, but it still sucked seeing what I wasn't able to do.  Kind of felt like it rubbed it in somehow.

I've been trying to be less hard on myself and just keep learning and trying but I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing light-wise.

Like, we'll be somewhere and I'll want to take a shot and I take it and I have no idea if I should be higher this or lower that or where even to start and it's frustrating.

I have sort of guesses now as to where I should start f-stop wise in terms of where I am but then I'll shoot it and look at the shot and it's lacking the colours I see or it's not crisp and Jason will ask me what I need to change and I really have no idea.

It's frustrating.  And it's frustrating because I guess I feel some combination of dumb and lazy.  Like, haven't I learned this?  Didn't I take a course and take notes?  And read this that and the other?  Or did I just kind of skim my way through?  Yeah... that.

Ever since I went digital, I've been shooting on Auto.  And even when I shot film, I was just getting the light meter to where it needed to be, I wasn't... actually thinking.

And so now I'm supposed to think and I don't know how.

On top of that, I'm not liking the composition of the photos I'm taking anymore.  Maybe because I get them home and look at them and see blah colour and blah tone and blah focus and I just give up.  It's all blah to me.

The other weekend Jason was shooting (I still hate that term, sounds all gun-like) a friend who used to model.  He asked her if I could come too and I was super excited!  They both said it was ok if I took some shots and the first bunch I took all came out too dark and I had NO idea what I was doing wrong and I just wanted to cry.

I must have looked upset because Jason asked me what was wrong and I told him I had no idea what I was supposed to do to take the photos I wanted to take.  He must have helped me a bit because in the end I managed to calm down and get some photos I actually liked.

Still didn't know what to say to her, like, didn't know what to tell her to do, but I really enjoyed the whole thing, even if I did feel pretty lost and accidentally got in Jason's way.

So, I don't know.  I'm in a weird place with my photography right now partly because the process of sharing via flickr has all but stopped.  And partly because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  Literally, and ... photographically.  If that's a word.

I can't seem to take photos I like.  I can't seem to figure out what to do with my camera to take photos that have the right light and colour.  I don't know what to do in Aperture to make them any "better" or even if better is better.

Jason and his friend said my photos were good and I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  Jason has liked some of the photos of him I've taken enough to use them on his facebook profile so I think I kind of secretly felt proud of that.  I send him unedited versions of my photos and he says they're fine.   Sometimes he says they're good. I don't think I'm ready for him to critique them because even if he did I wouldn't know how to fix or change what I did.

I'm not really sure how to change that other than making and taking the time to learn whatever it is I'm needing to figure out.

So I'm frustrated and feeling lost and confused, but I'm also not giving up and I'm hoping there's some kind of light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm also thinking of fishing out my film camera, some black and white film and just seeing if I can get back to the shots I used to take and love in high school.

Worth a shot, anyway, I figure.

Oh, and I just remembered to add... Jason said something one one of our hikes that stuck with me.  He said that when he's composing a shot, he makes it something he'd want to see on his wall.  So I'm thinking a bit more like that now.  Rather than just blah blah blah shoot, sometimes I'll think "would I want to look at this every day for years if it was on my wall?" Certainly when I get home, it makes the deleting process easier.

Wow

Y'all, whoever said that thing about being unable to teach an old dog new tricks maybe didn't take into account that it's a lot of effing work to change.  Or to learn the new tricks.  Or whatever.  Damn.

Right now I am feeling like I'm fighting all day to push through the stuff that I'm trying to change.  Sleep is great, and I'm thankful that I'm sleeping well, but I also work at that, and exercise and meditate and see my acupuncturist, but yeah, when I wake up in the morning I feel better and easier and then it's a matter of heading into the day.

Because I don't know if everyone realizes it but I have real, physical reactions to the mental worries and spinnings that go on.

So, for example, if I catch wind that my brain is starting to worry and spin about, say, what Jason might be thinking, then my body starts to react to that worry.  My stomach feels tight, and can be nauseated and sometimes that's been making it hard to eat.  And when that starts, my breathing gets fast and shallow and so my entire system is making this thought out to be very very real and very very overwhelming and I'm fighting and trying so hard to calm my mind and my body or both or either (it often helps to shut down the mind if I can and the body will tend to follow) but sometimes one or the both of them have gotten so carried away that it's really really really hard to withdraw.

I was just watching a documentary about the USS Nimitz (which came into town the other weekend) and it made me think of how heavy those thick ropes get when they've been in the water.  And the feeling and experience of helping to tie up a massive boat and the ropes seem like they're never ending and weigh more than you can handle and all you know is you either have to haul, haul, haul when you have very little within yourself or you have to give up, quit, and throw the rope down and cry.  I don't want to give up, but man it's tiring.

And to be doing that, that exhausting work while feeling all but overwhelmed physically and when your mind is filled with negative thoughts about how it's all so so so bad?  It's a lot.

A lot, lot, lot.

I think maybe I should be a whole lot prouder of myself than I am, but it also feels like I have so far to go and there's no point in congratulating myself when I'm right now just moment by moment.

Maybe this is why some addicts thrive in meetings.  Maybe you go and get shored up by reminders and encouragement and that sense that it does get better, it's just really hard right now.

It's a lot.  I'm working really hard and I don't know what I'd want or need to make it easier and better right now.

But this has been a few days of tough tough internal work, and I guess I'll just keep pushing until it starts feeling a little easier.

But I'll tell you... those bad moments?  Are bad.

White knuckle bad.

And I feel like I maybe chose that photo because someone somewhere mentioned that it seemed to them like I was locked in the prison tower of my own mind.

Yeah, it feels like that.  And maybe Rapunzel... Sleeping Beauty, maybe those stuck, imprisoned princesses were all just literary metaphors in the end.  And I need to be one of those modern day Disney princess types who don't wait to be rescued.

But it's a lot harder than it looks to get the f*ck out of here, man.

Updated to add:  Was just going about my morning, saw a post on photography, this made me think of Jason and before I knew it my brain was running in bad spinny circles.  (*^&^$.

Oh and?  It's like my body's been shot through with adrenaline and is ready to jump and react and fight or flight mentally and physically at ev. ery. thing.

Sigh.  It's pretty sucky y'all.

Just Random Updates

So Jay, who very kindly (?) (oddly, perhaps?) let me know, out of nowhere, a few weeks ago that his regular checkup showed he does not have HIV.  (Which, sent my brain spinning for all sorts of reasons, including, were we going to have sex again and I just don't know it?  Do you let all your exes know your status?  Was this a concern, because I know we got tested before we were intimate but you're letting me know you're clean because it could have been un-detectable at the time and OMG have I never realized how lucky I've been?) has also let me know he's head over heels in love and moving to be with her.

Which, ok.  I hope it works out for them and that they're happy and I know he must be concerned about work post-accident so I guess I don't know enough to say if that seems wise or not, and really it's not my business, but do I find it kind of annoying?  Yeah, if I'm honest I do.  Selfishly. 

Not that I want to be back together or anything, but it's that whole comparison thing (which isn't fair) where I could beat myself up for the fact that no one's ever uprooted themselves to be with me.

Shrug.  Not going to latch on to it, but it did rumble through my head when he let me know.

Why did he let me know you may ask?  Well, I emailed him to ask if he was going to Burning Man.

He's pretty sure he's not, which is a mixed blessing because it would have solved my travel issues, but might have been tricky in terms of maybe we might have still found some physical attraction there.  I'm genuinely not sure that that would have been an issue, but old habits die hard, and I certainly have a habit of touching him when I'm around him.  But that's when we had a connection and cared about each other in some way. 

It certainly would have been interesting anyway.  In an intellectual sort of way, to see.

So, yeah, Jay's moving, looks like we won't be travelling to Burning Man together, he doesn't have HIV, he's head over heels in love.

Shrug.

In other news... I'm not moving, I'm really really hoping to be happily,safely and comfortably be travelling to Burning Man, I don't have HIV (or anything else) and I care a lot about someone and love them, and I'm really liking my hair right now.  So, there you go.

Healthier

So, happy Summer (or Winter for you Southerners) and yeah, all that.


I had a massive smack in the psyche on Friday and while I don't know how much of it I want to share, ie. the nitty gritty, I will say that I want to share.

When Jason and I are both in a bad place for whatever reason (usually stress related, duh) it doesn't go well for me.  He was in a really bad space on Friday and I was struggling with my own things.

Long story short I got myself out of my house and my head by hanging out with friends and talking things through with them and, again, long story short, I found myself mid-Friday evening running smack dab into a pretty intense realization.

I probably spent the better part of an hour crying and swearing because I was angry at myself for... well, for being in this spot.  Because I hadn't realized I was in this spot until that moment and it was like, awww shit... Damn.

We all have our issues.  Our baggage, our things we need to work on, or should work on and I know I'm not great at being healthy or in a healthy long term relationship.  Something about Jason seems to give me the opportunity to be more clear about things.  Or maybe it's just being older and wiser and growing, it doesn't matter, I just know things clicked for me and I'm aware and I need to do what I can to make the positive changes happen.

But it's hard because it's so ingrained into who I am and how I work and when I get into this spot it drives me because it's a panicked feeling and I need it to happen.

I know, I know, I'm not making sense but what, am I supposed to just blurt out, Hey, guys, I was reminded that I have issues with "X"?

Blah.  I typed it out and erased it again because I don't want to say it just out loud like that.  But here... let me write out some of the traits that I struggle with:

Low self-esteem.  I'm so working on this you guys, but when Jason's in a bad space it all comes hurtling out at me that I'm not likable, that I don't accept myself, that I'm inadequate, not enough, and that I worry what people think of me.  It's hard for me and must be frustrating for Jason because he says nothing but positive things about me.  Tons of people do.  I just can't figure out how to take what everyone says about me and really really really really actually believe it.  I don't know how, but I'm reading about ways to change how I think and I want to get there.  And I know I'm better than I was, and it's not getting worse.  It just springs up at bad times.

Perfectionism.  Again, working on it.  Ironic that if you're trying to "fight" perfectionism, you want to be perfect at it, no?  Yeah... kinda.

Reactivity.  Oh my gosh, am I ever reactive.  Jason and I had some snippy words via text (never a good idea) and I went through several moments of panic and not knowing what to do.  I reminded myself to breathe and felt better in a few minutes but man, in that moment of reaction?  Freaky. I've gotten myself into problems with this before, with family stuff and work stuff because something happens and I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW AND THEY ARE BIG FEELINGS!  I'm teaching myself to breathe and pause before reacting.  That email doesn't have to be answered right now Victoria, it can wait...

Dependency.  Afraid of being out of a relationship.  Relying too much on others opinions.  Two things I know I have struggles with.  You probably see it here as this is my space to vent and worry and babble, but that fear of being out of a relationship sometimes keeps me in situations longer than I should be.  But I am aware of it, for sure.  And that's important.  As for the other, I think it joins with low self-esteem and I'm not sure how to get through it.  I want people to like me, tell me I'm good.  But then I don't believe them anyway, so it's frustrating and feels dumb.

Denial.  Of my feelings (I "like" to stuff them away and hide them so I don't have to feel them) and of my needs.  (I'm getting better with expressing my needs though)

Caretaking.  I think I talked about how it was a relief to not feel like I had to caretake when I travelled down to Burning Man because I didn't know them and so wasn't invested in how they felt about me or if they liked me... it was interesting and enlightening.

Control.  Controlling my feelings (see above).  Wanting to tell other people what to do (controlling them even though it doesn't feel like it.) And people pleasing, which, according to the readings, and this hurts to say, is a way of trying to manipulate people into feeling how you want them to feel or behave.  That hurt a lot to read.  A lot.  Because I want to please people so that they're happy and so that they're like me.  But, I guess that's not all that healthy.  Makes me sad that it's not.

Addiction to a substance or process.  I think I've been lucky to have avoided substance addictions.  But I'm still working hard with my "addiction" to sugar and "treats" and I think I have an addiction to technology... my phone, the internet, I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  I think I may tell a few people that my phone is not always going to be near me for the next while (C-Dawg texts me the most and gets worried when I'm text silent for a while...I'll have to warn her)  I know when I check this, that or the other on my phone or computer, or watch a show or zone out on my computer it's taking me away from really living and is me being lazy and it feels like sometimes I fry my brain so I want to work on that.

Painful emotions.  Shame, anxiety, fear, guilt, depression.  All things that have had a hold on me at some point.  Anxiety and fear showing up the most these days.  But yeah.

So there are more traits but these are the ones I can honestly recognize in myself and have been working on since I first started working on myself.

The key, so they say, to overcoming all this, is "to relax and build a loving relationship with yourself."  So that's the plan  Meditation is highly recommended, so I'm already doing well there (YAY ME!)  Some of the other things I am going to be trying to actively work on is turning the focus onto myself (this sounds and feels selfish, but isn't, under the circumstances.)  As much as I want to help the people I love, it's their job to do so and I have to try to let go of this need I have to help.  Hard.  And there are a ton of ways to do this that I'm going to try to get better at.  Like, seeing all the positive I do and writing it down.  Stop worrying (or at least... you know, slow it down).  And, weirdly enough, reach out for help when I feel bad.  It sounds weird, but apparently I should be asking for help.

So, yeah.  Lots.  There's a ton more and I know I'm skirting around most of it and even what it is I'm talking about but at least I'm talking about it, rather than denying it's true for me.

I know some of these things have come up for me again and again and in other relationships too, so I may as well do what I can to start learning how to heal this and to cope better and whatever else... what was it, learn to have a loving relationship with myself.

I want to be healthier.  Happier.  To be better able to weather the bad times without it triggering all my not so awesome parts.

Friday wasn't fun, but I think it gave me some strength and I know where my focus needs to be. 

Zen Time!

I've never cared if something is working because it's working or because of the placebo effect.  All that matters to me is that I feel better, end of discussion.

So there are a couple of things I've noticed lately that I think I sleep better when I do them.  Because I notice that I think the nights I don't do them I don't sleep as well.  Again, not sure I care to know *for sure* what's right, I'm just going with the fact that they work for me.

One is my mindfulness meditations.  I can't remember if I mentioned the app that I was told about, but it's called Headspace, and I thought at first that I wouldn't be able to get used to the fellow's (awesome) accent but it just worked for me and now I'm doing 20 minutes regularly, and like I say, I find that the nights that I forget or don't get around to it (because I do tend to do it before bed) I don't think I sleep as soundly.  (In fact, one night I was staying at Jason's and we had quite a heated discussion and when it was over, I sat in the hall and did my twenty minutes and felt a lot lot better; calmer and not so upset.)

Another, and this is going to sound hokey to many, because I kind of scoffed at it when my co-worker brought it up one day, is an accupressure mat.

Think of a bed of nails, but nice little plastic nails.  And I lie on this thing, skin right on it, not through fabric and I'll watch a show or do some writing or something and I swear it mellows me out.  Sure I read the science theories behind it before I bought it, but all I know is that it seems to relax me and it doesn't seem to do any harm and I swear I sleep better the nights I use it.

So most nights I'm spending a while lying on the bed o' plastic nails and then sitting up and doing twenty minutes of guided meditation (some nights are more brain spinny than others but I ALWAYS feel better after) and I think it's helping in a lot of ways, but certainly with better sleeps.

And I'm all for better sleeps!

Venting

So flickr changed its layout again.

Which I only know because someone posted about it on Reddit.

Because nothing has changed for me yet.

Well, in one browser anyway.

I'm still really frustrated that they keep trying to fix something that wasn't broken and in my mind they make it worse and harder to use each time they change things up.  I don't know yet what this new change will bring or if it's even anything more than just a layout change.

But, anyway, just feeling grouchy about it and frustrated and needing to vent, even though I'm not sure what all I'm venting about except that I'm not thrilled with a service I used to really really like and that sucks.

(And I'm also grateful that my life is happy and stable and secure enough that I can vent about something to meaningless in the grand scheme of things.  For sure.  I'm lucky and I know this.)

Oh

I've run into a bit of a financial hiccup and my parents have kindly offered to help me if I need it.

I told them I thought I'd be fine, but thanks for the offer.

This weekend, when I was over there for Father's Day, my Mom made another offer to pay me back for the time I took off work back when Dad was having his heart surgery.  I told her that no repayment was necessary, and she practically rolled her eyes at me.

"Has anyone ever told you you are very hard to help?"

Which struck me, because I feel like it's something Jason may have said to me in the last little while.

And it's certainly along the same lines as something Connor said to me when he was trying to help me cool down at Burning Man.

Why is it so hard for me to accept help?

I don't even know where to start looking for answers.  But I think it's becoming clear I need to figure it out.

Sorry

So imagine for a minute that men menstruated.

Like, once a month, if they hadn't impregnated anyone, their belly buttons would start to bleed.

Not, like a gushing stream a la horror movie, but enough that it would be noticeable.  And would soak through a shirt if not dealt with.

And that that bleeding went on day and night for maybe up to a week, varying in the amount.  And maybe some men got "I think I ate too many burritos" type stomach cramps and maybe some months their belly button wouldn't bleed when they expected it to and they'd start to wonder if maybe that girl lied about being on birth control or if the condom had broken or if they were just stressed or what it all meant?

Wouldn't that be weird?

Yeah... these are the things my brain comes up with allllll on its own.

I don't know either, sorry about my brain!

Wow

When I went to buy my Dad a card for Father's Day last week, I was astounded at the price of the cards.

I guess I haven't bought cards in a while (I still have some I printed of my own that I'm using, and I bought some from a dollar store in the states last Summer) but in my mind a card is somewhere under $4.

The cards that I picked up?  More like $7! 

Needless to say, I did not buy my Dad a card for Father's Day.

I feel a little bad about that, because my parents always display the cards I mail them but seven bucks?  Way too much for me.

Is this a reaction to the fact that fewer people are buying cards so they're having to jack up the prices to compensate or are cards in such high demand they can charge what they want?

Yeah, I was pretty surprised, and not in a "ooh, I just won two dollars on a scratch and win!" kind of way.

Never Long Enough

When my brain/system is somewhat stressed or feeling anxious about whatever life events are out of my control and worrying me, I will sometimes notice myself feeling worried or anxious about things that are maybe a little odd to be anxious about.

Case in point...

I looked at the calendar today and realized that next week's the first day of Summer.  Which means the days are as long as they're going to get.  And I've been loving these long long days of light.  These beautiful days where I get to nine o'clock and am still seeing light in the sky.  Even at ten it's just getting to the tail end of dusk.

I love it.

So when I saw that Summer's coming, it means the days are going to start getting shorter again and that made me feel really... anxious.

I don't know what else to call it.  Like, stressed by feeling like I don't get to keep this.  Stressed that it will "soon" be Winter again and I don't want it to be Winter again, I just want it to be like this forever.

I know it's not anything I can control or change but I think that's part of what my system grabs hold of when it's worrying.  Like... something else I can't control.

I'll meditate later and that should help and I'll try to not keep thinking about this all and I'll enjoy what we've got while we've got it.

But, yeah, it was interesting, and honestly frustrating to realize I was feeling worried about the approach of the longest day of the year because it meant the days are going to start getting shorter again.

Makes me feel a little crazy, y'all.

: /

I feel bad, but I'm relieved that the forecast is for clouds and rain today because I'm pretty sure that means we won't be going to any beaches at all.

*wipes forehead*

In other news, it's Father's Day tomorrow, so send some love out there to all the Dads and stuff.

Hug yours if you can.  I'm going for a walk with mine for the Prostate Center.

So maybe tell the men in your life that tomorrow's a good day to put in their calendar to have their doctor check their prostate.  Awkward, maybe, but better than the alternative.

Hugs, y'all.