Ok, Where Was I?

Last thing I remember it was somewhere around Christmas?  And I was super stupidly stressed and now it's the end of January so... that's a thing that happened.

I mean, of course I have actual memories and I know the time passed, I just... like I attempted to say the other day holy crap this has been a lot.

Good things can be stressful too, eh?  And so since I don't remember what I have talked about here... In 2018 I found myself needing to lease a laptop.  And as part of the lease, a year in I had the option to buy it out.  I did not want to do that as the laptop had had issues since day one (I literally took it in within weeks of having it) and, well, I also did not have the cash to buy it out anyway.  Two years in though, I had the option to return the computer and start again with a new one, which is what I chose to do.  In November.

But... Covid, and life and whatever else and the new laptop was on order and taking a very long time which was fine until the first one decided to munch its own display basically on Christmas Eve.

I muddled through as best I could until they were able to take it in (thanks holidays!) and then I babied my very old remaining laptop to do the bare minimum until the sick, initial laptop got back to me nearly a week and a half later.

Now I knew that the new laptop would "brick" a bunch of the software I use as it wouldn't run with the newer OS and I'd been holding off on system updates and was two "behind".  I wasn't sure if the new laptop would be one of the new M1 chips or what... if that mattered... but I also wasn't sure if it would be one OS ahead of mine or two.  Either way, I was pretty sure I'd be losing the software I use for creating digital art and the software I use for photo editing.  Not the end of the world, surely, but an inconvenience, and one that would cost money to fix (aka upgrade.)

Fast forward to early January and the United States has an incredibly stressful-to-me attempted.... whatever you want to call it... insurrection/coup attempt/riot/protest gone very wrong and my anxiety and stress shot through the roof.  

And then impeachment and then I, and so many of us, were incredibly afraid and worried, and in my case horrifically anxious over what MIGHT happen on inauguration day.  Like if my anxiety went through the roof on the 6th?  That felt like nothing compared to the anticipation of something worse... The riot was unexpected.  This was... expected, which is like anxiety's favourite thing...

And around that time my parents asked me if I'd like a very special gift for my birthday - an Apple Watch.  Or, they said, very generously, something else like that to help with my fitness as I'd seemed to get a lot out of the FitBit they'd loaned me.  And I stressed.  I stressed because it's hard for me to accept people spending money on me sometimes.  And I didn't know that I really wanted one or would use one.  I stressed and I stressed and I researched and I talked to people who have one and I just didn't know what to do.  (Anxiety tends to compound and make simple things feel impossible and overwhelming.)  So I said to them quiet honestly that I didn't think I needed one but they said they'd really like to get it for me if I thought I would use it so I said thank you very much that would be lovely.

Well, as fate would have it, it arrived the day before my birthday so I was able to see my parents (outside, at a distance, with masks) on my birthday which was nice.  And then the new laptop arrived on my birthday as well and HOLY BLEEP did I ever stress about that because, well... because I was already at max stress.  Sigh.

Thankfully they allowed me to take the new lease home and keep the old one to do the data transfer myself.  Which I did.  But the two OS upgrade made things a mess and Jason (who has spent time in the IT world) offered to help "fix" it and then he spent the entire weekend doing... I don't even know what and I spent the entire weekend stressing over him helping and stressing that he'd miss something and so while he was working on that I offered to help with errands around his house and that was satisfying (I do like a good tidy up) but also because I was so so so stressed out it stressed me out even more and, well, I'm not a mechanic but something about when an engine gets too hot it like seizes or something?  Yeah... that.  But in human form.

So while I tried to figure out a new OS (which I DO NOT LIKE) on a new system and cringed while paying for new software (I HATE HATE HATE SUBSCRIPTION MODELS) and because I was completely overwhelmed I kept making things harder for Jason by accident (my brain was fried, I was a wreck) oh and on top of that I was trying to learn how to use the new Apple Watch (which is amazing and beautiful and stunning engineering but also a LOT) and then my brother sent me flowers and that was a lovely surprise and the my other brother sent me a weighted blanket (which I didn't even take out of the packaging until two days ago because I just wasn't able to deal.) And it's like my family was so generous and thoughtful and even that feels a little overwhelming as I type it but it may have been a super stressed out birthday but my family knocked it out of the park in terms of thinking of me.  (I'm very lucky.)

The inauguration (spoiler alert!) went fine (even though I tried to stay in bed that morning in case anything bad happened.) and I returned a completely wiped former lease (thanks Jason!) and the new laptop is continuing to get set up and sorted (with so so so much help from Jason who has been baffled a few times by this OS but still is figuring stuff out).

On TOP of the new laptop and trying to put the old laptop onto it safely and effectively while navigating a leap of two operating systems and learning the new Apple Watch and trying to figure that out and also being irritated by wearing it (it's larger than the FitBit by a significant margin) like physically irritated (agitation for me comes with physical irritation, like if I'm super stressed, clothing can really literally rub me the wrong way.) I was also dealing with possibly losing some vital information (banking info, health info, etc.) through the transfer OH and HEY did I mention having to also deal with life and work stuff AT THE SAME TIME OH MY GOD?????

Yeah, it's been kind of non stop stress this last while.  Like, really. 

I have been relying on medication far more than I'd like and even then something that usually would knock down my anxiety by a good margin didn't even make a blip.

Even counselling during these last few weeks has felt like a non starter.  But as my counsellor pointed out, I'm still getting things done (not blogging though, sorry! or art for that matter) and this too shall pass.

New laptop seems to be clean of the issues the old one has (AND NO MORE BUTTERFLY KEYBOARD YAAAAAY!) and I'm slowly figuring things out and I'm trying to give myself a break on things but my main focus right now is to try to get my physical body system to reset, like to bring that PANIC FEELING down to a mild "oh, I'm a little worried about something" sort of feeling.

 Oh, and I forgot, there have been other crises... friends with major issues, even friends of friends in actual life crises.  And hey, VIHA (our local health authority) called me two days ago but didn't leave a message and of course my anxiety is like CONTACT TRACING OMG but I mean I don't see anyone besides Jason and if he had Covid he'd tell me.... so.... maybe just, uh, a wrong number? (please?)

So these last (when was Inauguration... 20th?) 9 or so days have been an incredibly stressful and not at all calm stretch.  I need a break.  Or, more honestly, I need some genuine chill.

I have plans already for this weekend to help Jason with some tasks so that's not likely to be restful but I'm going to have to carve myself out some time here to just... not.

Although even that's a little tricky as I've shifted browsers and as much as you might not understand what I'm about to say... using this new browser is just different enough (visually I suppose) to mess me up and not feel the same kind of mind-numbing relaxation I usually turn to for my distraction from anxiety.

So I've probably babbled enough for one post and I'm not entirely sure I said words that make sense so um, happy weekend, I'm fine, I'll get back to posting as soon as I can figure out a whole lot of shit on this new system.  (Like holy shit you guys so much... so so much to figure out and sort.  Damn.)

Holy (String of Swear Words Here) Crap

Not entirely sure I survived the last week, weekend included.

I mean, I'm pretty sure these are my fingers typing on these keys but hey, maybe this is just a really good dream?

This last week for me has been almost an opposite of some of the months last year when they seemed to go on and on.  Last week felt like months packed into seven days.  (Am I even using words properly?  Did that make sense?  I meant to say it was a lot lot lot for a short amount of time and I got completely overwhelmed and then even more overwhelmed in a different way and I need a long weekend or something and Family Day is not close enough halp!)

I had planned to sit down and write out a post about it all but instead I just want to give myself a break so here's a post, there will be another one eventually.  

Happy... uh (looks at Calendar) Tuesday?

A Year... Or So

I feel like we're about a year out from when I first started to sort of... wonder about Covid-19...

I know other countries were dealing with it quite intensely long before we were here and I remember hearing about it and quite frankly... I remember brushing it off like I have all the previous pandemic/epidemics before (Swine/Bird flu).  It just didn't seem like something that would be relevant to me or my life.

I remember a conversation with my Mom, maybe Feb of last year where she said she hadn't been attending her Tai Chi class for a while because so many of her classmates travelled to and from China and I remember thinking this was a little bit racist and way over-reactive.

Turns out my Mom was proactive... go figure.

I remember when Covid hit these shores and I remember lockdown and I remember a lot of how I felt at that time.  I remember feeling like it was possibly on every surface.  Handrails, doorknobs, etc etc.  And maybe it was (and maybe it still is) but that pervasive fear and anxiety I had around it has lessened.  I do still use a handkerchief to open doors and touch things outside of my house.  I do still change out of my clothes and wash my hands once I'm home.  And I'm at a point again of "feeling" like my hands are dirty when it has been a while between washes.  There are still a lot of things that give me huge anxiety around it all and still a ton of things I don't know when I will be doing them again (eating out IN a restaurant for example.)  I still have very mixed feelings when I see everyone out and about wearing masks, because I'm happy they're doing it and yet sad that they have to.

Watching parts of the US presidential inauguration on Wednesday (and can I just say how much the term "Second Gentlemen" tickles my fancy!) I was pleased to see all the masks, and anxious about the few hugs I saw here and there.  But I still wish this time in history... wasn't.  That we didn't have all these photos and videos with the proof of this ongoing global pandemic that continues to kill so many and incapacitate so many others.  I suppose I wish I could go back into my Bubble of Denial and just pretend this never happened.  

But it did and it is and we're not through it yet and a year ago doesn't seem as far away as I'm used to.  Last year feels like it was the most bizarre time warp of too long but also somehow short and here we are in a new year that feels quite a lot to me like a continuation of last year. 

Oh?!

*Pokes head out from hidey hole*

Hello?  Are we ok?  I think we're ok???

Welp.....

Am typing this yesterday (19th) to post this morning (20th) and really don't know what to say.

I hate that any of us are impacted in any way by things going on in an entirely different country but... it just sort of is what it is.

Do I think "big bad" things will happen today?  I hope not, but I think there will be upset of some kind and I think I'm going to have to work to keep myself from "train wreck rubbernecking" at it...

Here's hoping for the best and, yeah, this is the post I decided to make cuz um... yeah.... Kind of don't know what else to say, like if I post about the mild Winter we've had so far and then things get really weird in the States it's going to be a weird post to read?

Sigh.

Kind of hope today's just a Wednesday in January, you know?

Oh...

I have a January birthday.

I don't bring this up to elicit happy birthday wishes, I bring this up because I realized this weekend that my last birthday was pandemic free and that this birthday will be my first in.... lockdown or, whatever?

I suppose I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself because I had to ask Jason if I could see him on my birthday and then I realized that I couldn't technically see anyone else and even though I knew this when I asked him it still got to me a bit.  (To clarify, in our province, if you live alone, you are allowed to go see "one or two" people while people who live with others can only see their household right now so Jason is my "bubble person" that I am seeing in this stage of things.)

I know we kind of already did this over Christmas and during that time I did have a couple of drive by visits but I still had a moment or two of sadness and I had one this weekend over this birthday being ...weird and a little lonely.  And I realized that January/February and a few March birthdays will be the only folks who didn't go through a weird birthday in 2020 so I guess I'm just catching up to everyone?

In other news... I did read that we basically didn't have a flu season this "flu season".  More flu shots, mask wearing, hand washing and physical distancing seem to have made a significant difference and in the article I read they said we'd had like... six cases?  rather than the usual thousand and something.  That's significant.

I don't know if mask wearing when symptomatic (cold/flu type symptoms) is something that will continue with folks once this pandemic is declared over.  I know most of us don't like wearing that mask, but I also know other countries where it has been a common thing for a long while and so I guess I will try to hope that some things change after this?  It would be nice if a more comprehensive "stay home from work when sick" leave sort of thing was supported and the hand washing, well that would be great to keep up.  The social distancing I'd imagine is one thing we're all looking forward to removing but what about the idea of cancelling activities and events for yourself when you feel under the weather?  Will folks still do that?

I don't know if people have changed their views on how colds/flus spread and if they'll keep that in mind going forward or if once this whole thing is as gone as it possibly can be, if they'll just try to "go back" to a normal they remember.  I guess we'll see, but I think the lack of "flu season" is really good news, and kind of what I had hoped and expected to hear.

Bloop

Yeah... I'm just really not doing all that well right now.

I'm fine, pretty much, but very overwhelmed and so my days right now are on the level of "coping" and doing the things that absolutely have to be done and that's about the limit of what I can manage.

And yes, it sucks.

There's also the reality of a few weeks of not blogging and therefore being out of that habit and pattern and finding it a real struggle to try to push back into it, especially when.... see above.

America is imploding, but not, but very much so.  Vaccines are... I don't even know, happening but not but they are.  Covid is still rampant and not good and frightening and unsettling and everyone everyone everyone has opinions and thoughts about what should be done or how it's being handled and I'm exhausted by it, personally.

My new sandwich neighbours (one above, one below, they're the bread I'm the filling!) are noisier than their predecessors and it's setting off anxiety attacks (not really sure why?)

My parents are aging.  During a pandemic where I can't see them in person (beyond outside at a distance with masks on, weather dependent, in winter.) 

I'm having to deal with work related things and... that's so stress filled I can't even.  Which of course means money stress and yeah no.

I'm sure I've had times like this before, but maybe it's been long enough that it's just that unfamiliar.  Or maybe this is worse or I don't know, I really don't.

Just... not much calm right now and it's wearing on me.  Sometimes it feels like I'm about to explode or lose it and other times it feels like I just need to ride it out.  I don't know... and I think part of it this time is I'm not sure what the most stressful/anxiety producing thing is.  Like previously I'd be able to tell you oh X set me off and now I'm upset about ALLLLLLL the other things, but this time it feels a lot more nebulous so like I'm less able to figure out how to calm myself?

Am I really that anxious about what may come out of the states?  Is that setting me on edge more than anything?  And if so, how do I disengage?  Is it ..... leftover stress from the holidays?  Is it Covid?  Like, who's the culprit here and I'll try to sort it you know?  

And it's hard not to be hard on myself, not to tell myself that this is all my fault for not being strong enough or working hard enough at being "ok" or whatever other thing part of my brain tries to complain at me about.   I'm babbling, I know that.  I also keep closing this page and then thinking of something else I want to say and uh yeah... happy Monday?  D'oh.

(No need to worry, am venting, it's ok.)

Icky

Had what I think is my first Covid-pandemic dream.  It was the type of dream I've taken to call a "stress dream" because they're stressful and unhappy and not restful but not awful enough to be a nightmare.  Just... like... stressful.

So I was, in this dream, recalling the trip I took a few years back down to Seattle to meet up with and visit some Burning Man friends.

In the dream I was basically remembering and going through the moment we (my car full of folks) got to friend's house and we all met and hugged everyone and then sat down to talk and talk and while I was thinking about all the hugging it occurred to me that none of us were wearing masks and not only that, but I'd AIR travelled to the STATES and I sort of had to half wake myself up to point out that no, I wasn't anywhere other than my bed and when I *had* actually gone to Seattle and hugged my friends it wasn't during a pandemic and none of us had been or got sick and yeah... I guess I'm both missing people and stressed about staying safe.

Sigh.

Stalling Out

Honestly, I feel really stalled right now.

Like, I can't even explain it or find the "right" words because I'm not even sure myself what it is that's going on or, more to the point, not going on maybe?

Paralyzed maybe?  Emotionally or something?

I'm sure there are "experts" out there reassuring us that this is a collective trauma we're experiencing and that on top of that the stuff going on in the States is incredibly difficult to deal with even if you try to laugh it off and even if you pretend your own country has no similar issues... (which I know isn't true and I'm horrified and terrified and yeah... frozen).

So I'm sure those experts would tell me to just chill and relax and focus on self care and that it's ok to not be focussed on achieving right now.  But I have my own experience with depression and how easy it is to slip into that dark dark heavy space where things are so much harder to do and energy is so very difficult to find and so I don't want to let myself be right now because while I have not experienced a global pandemic before, I have experienced the crush of depression before and this time of year it is extra.... there.  It's extra hard.  Yes I have my S.A.D light, yes I'm trying to get out, especially on the sunny days.  Yes, I'm trying to be kind to myself and to celebrate the little things that aren't actually little.  Woah, you got laundry done?  NICE!  And then not berate myself for thinking that's something to celebrate because it is... I have clean socks and underwear again and am no longer running low on either.  Plus I did a thing.

And I mean that's not me saying I'm depressed right now although I suppose I am a tad, it's more like it's hard for me to admit things are difficult and it's hard for me to admit that I wish I was different.  Inside.

An example... you may know that I run a personal (but private... attempted pen name sort of thing, sound familiar? sigh) art page.  A while ago, Jason pointed out that both FB and IG (owned by FB) share photos in threes in their layout.  And once that visual was triggered for me it's been pretty impossible for me to take it back and I feel like I HAVE TO post in sets of three.  Especially now that if I don't it makes things look "uneven" and even if I tell myself it's just me that notices, there's that part of me that gets genuinely anxious feeling that it's not ok.  I don't know if it's fear of judgement or fear of "error" or what, I just know I stressed and stressed this morning over what photo to share and which was good enough and then all the things wrong with that photo and it wasn't .... I don't even know, I was just frozen... stalled out.  It's a horrible feeling.

And part of that "horrible" is wishing I were different.  Like I wish I was light and carefree and unbothered.  And there is a train of thought (ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) that suggests accepting and working with your thoughts rather than fighting them but I have a really hard time with that because DO NOT WANT.  But that not wanting is pretty darn hard on me.  But then am I not just not wanting to not want?

I do understand that to some extent this may be an "artist" problem... and I do see the perfectionism there.  But I also am not sure what to do about it all... and knowing that this is just one example.  And that's not even starting on the "well what's the point of it all?" that I touch on from time to time.  What's the point of me sharing on social media at frigging all?  To sell artwork?  Well that ain't happening.  Not sure it ever will.  (Sure I've sold a piece or two but that's very different than actively trying to sell.) Is the point for me to gain followers and some level of "fame"?  Again... why?  So then is the sharing just to share?  Ok... why?  For attention?  For companionship?  Just cuz that's something I've done all my life?  (You grow up dancing you grow up performing... sharing and showing your "art", right?)  So then if it's just to do... just to do... then why does it bother me so?

A friend of mine shared a selfie the other day and she looked exhausted in it.  I wondered if perhaps she had not meant to post it but someone commented "long week?" and she said yeah... so how did she knowingly, purposely put out a photo of herself where she didn't look "good"?  

I'm babbling, I know... it's what I do here.  Or what I'm working to re-allow myself the permission to do here, right?  

But yeah, artistically really weird space right now.   Maybe I'll tell myself it's ok to let that go for a little while, like a couple more days after the events of this week and the anxiety around the pandemic and all the other seemingly little things that really do add up to quite a lot.  Straws on a camel's back and all.

EEEEE!!!!!

Guess what I'm typing on and looking at RIGHT NOW???!!!!!!

If you guessed "laptop back from the shop" you're right and hey, happy news right now is like... extra welcome, you know?

Got a bunch of stuff to catch up on, blogging is low on that list but yeah, laptop's back, phew... that was a long couple of weeks, wow.

Well...

It's been 11 days without a fully functional laptop... which has been.... uh... different (AND DIFFICULT!) Sigh.

I knew I had habits and patterns, and I even knew that they weren't necessarily healthy and that changing them would be positive, but things happening the way they did hasn't really been the positive change one might imagine... it's been a little bit more like taking away a junkie's vice, cold turkey... and them having to find worse ways to handle the ick.

I'm not making sense... that's ok.  I'll spell it out.  One of the main ways I've been coping this last (long) while with my mental health and especially the anxiety is to, what I call, distract.  So I go online.  I check social media.  I scroll through things.  I "like" things.  Often, I'll post some art (if I have some made) or something.  And so off and on through the day it's like these little mini bursts of attention.  I play games on and off on my phone.  While simultaneously watching a show on my laptop while popping in and out of social media sites, while messaging whoever.  And doing that has helped me distract myself during some really really bad times.  It has absolutely been a coping mechanism.  A survival strategy.  And it has become something of a habit, for lack of a better term.

I have been trying to adjust... to spend less time in front of a screen... in front of screens.  But yeah, some days it's hours and hours of it.

I think I mentioned a couple of years ago that my laptop was getting old and showing signs of not lasting much longer, so I ended up leasing a new (2018) laptop.  It wasn't what I wanted to do but financially it was what worked, as I wanted to be able to use digital programs like Photoshop and Capture One (art and photography) and keep working on my digital art and photography.  And I've never been one for buying used machines.  Call it a superstition if you want, but for me it's more like I believe a little bit of the soul of a person "gets into" a computer, and I prefer mine "clean".  Shrug.

When I got that leased laptop, it didn't work well from the start.  Apple's new at the time "butterfly" keyboard was a failure (they've since moved on from them) and had to be replaced pretty much right away.  There were also glitch issues with the screen (display) but they weren't able to replicate them when I took it in.  And let's be honest, taking your machine into the shop, even a good shop, means you don't have your machine for a while.  Usually around 10 days I find.  Which is a pain in the ass.  Normally I have an old (previous) laptop as a backup, but it was really starting to struggle.  Fairly significantly.

So when I got it back with the new keyboard and the still glitching display, I just started tracking the issues to see if I could figure out the problem on my own.  

And then Covid hit and I didn't want to have to a) go in to the shop and b) deal with a time without a computer, so I just... let it go.  And then the replacement keyboard started to be a jerk.  But I still didn't want to deal with it. 

A couple of months ago, I came to the point in the lease agreement where you were able to "exchange" (really just give up the current lease and start a new lease with a new laptop) and as I still don't have the ability to financially buy a new one flat out (or get a loan, etc.) I decided to start again with a new lease and try to (hopefully) save up enough to buy it out in a year (or two?)  So I called and arranged that.  

I then also contacted Apple to talk about the display issue and the keyboard.  The guy I talked to was awesome and said I was good for a replacement keyboard and he said he was concerned that the glitch I was seeing might be a logic/mother board issue (I can't remember) and he made a note of things and told me to go in and I said... well.... Covid....

And I didn't go in.  I figured once the replacement laptop turned up and I had to go in anyway, I'd have them fix the issues before they tried to resell the unit (or whatever they do.)

A few weeks ago I opened the laptop up from "sleep" and the screen went... grey?  Nothing "woke up" so I did a hard restart and... things seemed fine.  Must be that darn logic board I thought.  Oh well, new laptop will be here soon!

And then it was Christmas Eve.  I was already a little stressed by holiday stuff and pandemic holiday stuff and so my plan was to watch some Christmas movies and just zone out for the evening/night.  I liked this plan a lot.

I opened my laptop from sleep and PINK SCREEN NO GREEN NO GREY NOPE PINK PINK PINK PINK.

Uh....

Hard restart....

PINK PINK GREEN PINK PINK SCREEN WHEEEEEEEE PARTY ON THE SCREEN.

Um... shit.

I tried safe restarts, I tried all the tricks I knew or could google on my phone.  Party on the screen was all I got.  Jason is my Apple-computer-knowing-friend and he was busy and didn't have any advice with the texts and photos I sent him.

It was half an hour before the shop was closing, I figured I'd call them and find out how long it was going to be til I could get it in (as I knew they were closing for the holidays.)

I got an awesome young man and explained that "my laptop had just pooped the bed" (I'm sorry, I babble when I'm stressed and pretending not to be.)  He told me it would be Monday before they were open again (four days) and probably the Wednesday after that before the tech could look at it.  I explained that the screen was pink/green/flashy and he asked me if I had a tv or external monitor I could plug it in to... he wondered if it was a display issue (rather than a logic board issue, which is what I'd been assuming).  Well I do have a (used, older) external monitor but it stopped connecting with my laptop a couple of months ago.  (sigh)  But I thought I'd give it a try as I was chatting with the fellow on the phone.  Thanks to Santa or something, I plugged it in and IT WORKED!  IT CONNECTED!  I told the phone guy soon and he said that that confirmed it was a display issue.  I thanked him very much and said I'd be in on Monday and happy holidays.

So I was able to uncomfortably use the laptop while it was plugged in to this external display.  While desperately trying not to jiggle the cable just in case.  

I wasn't able to do my usual "lie or recline on couch with laptop on lap" but I was able to at least use it, and I was able to turn the monitor so I could see it from my couch and so I got to watch Christmas movies on Christmas Eve after all (which was lovely) and I really felt like I had made the best of my situation.

I know a bare sort of minimum about these machines and so I know that there's a cable that passes around where the hinge of the laptop is and I suppose it's a weak spot.  But out of habit, I closed the laptop up, ugh...

When I went to open it the next time, I noticed a pause on the flickering of the PARTY ON THE SCREEN pink.  Hmmm.... I thought.

I closed the laptop back up and opened it very very slowly... 

At first opening, and right up to about 30 degrees (angle) the screen was "normal" enough that I could use it.  It wasn't actually fully working, but it was working enough!  Enough that I could lie comfortably on my couch and slip my fingers to most of the keyboard and see enough of the screen to use it.  YAY!

Well, I mean not yay really but yay more than nothing.  You know?

So over the next few days I limped along with the broken display as best I could.  Sometimes carefully attached to the external display, sometimes physically relaxed, but with a barely open laptop.  It was... bizarre and less than ideal.  

And I tried to do other things.  Non computer using things.  (But I know my phone usage went up.... yep)

On the Monday, I took my laptop in right after they opened.  (After posting one last "uh oh" post here.)

I came home and pulled out my old (2012) laptop to see what I might be able to use it for.  I knew from earlier in the year that the video card (?) was done.  It had "broken" when I was attempting to use Netflix or something video heavy, and so I just decided to only use my phone for videos and just use the laptop for things like emails and checking (stupid) FB.

The old laptop has been puttering along valiantly.  I have not pushed it at all.  I haven't even shut it down just in case.

But yeah, now my phone usage has exploded.  And I don't think my head/eyes are particularly in love with this plan.  Watching movies and shows on a phone is less than ideal.  Although I am very grateful for it and very grateful that it's a slightly larger screen than the 5 I started the year with!

I did try to figure out if I could have the external display connect to the phone to at least make watching things easier on my eyes, but it's a strange sort of cable that's needed and I didn't feel like trying to find one that works just for a week or two.

Well you guys?  This has really thrown me off.  Not being able to multi task (I can't play on my phone while watching something on my phone after all... well I can, but not well.)  Not being able to be comfortable while I check in on social media or what have you.  Just... an unwanted shock to my routine.  To my habits.  And most importantly, to my comfort coping mechanisms at a very stressful time of year.

The shop contacted me on Wednesday or Thursday to let me know they were replacing the display and the keyboard (I'd told them about both, plus there was a record of me talking to Apple I assume).

They said they hoped by Thursday of the next week.  I knew things wouldn't be quick, what with holidays and New Years and Covid and even possibly shipping issues.

I also asked if they could tell me where in the world (literally) the new laptop was and they explained that there had been lots of delays at Apple but that it had just shipped and was somewhere in the Bering sea (which is weirdly not reassuring, all I can think of is giant waves!)

So I suppose there's a possibility that the new laptop will arrive before the old laptop is fixed, but I'm not counting on that.  And I'm glad things are getting fixed, even if it wasn't my favourite timing AT ALL.

I'm curious to see if (assuming I get it back) the other glitch still happens or if it was the display all along... we shall see.  Or someone will see... eventually.

I'm struggling with the current situation but trying to do the best I can with it all.  It's one of those things I don't really have much "control" over, so I can just try to manage, you know?

I would love to tell you that since I don't have a working laptop I've totally changed my habits and patterns and all sorts of good things, but that hasn't happened (yet.)

I'm anxious about the new laptop because it will likely kill the big programs I use (Photoshop and Capture One) and I can't really afford to buy any new ones outright and stupid Adobe has their stupid cloud stupid things that I also can't really afford and REALLY REALLY dislike on principle.  I'm fine buying a program but to have to pay yearly usage?  That ticks me off (to put it mildly).  Big time.  But I'm trying not to borrow worry as they say and just deal with whatever happens when the new laptop eventually is in my hands.

I am SUPER thankful that the external monitor worked when I most needed it (and holding my breath a little that it might work again with the new laptop?) and I am EXTREMELY thankful that this laptop (that I'm typing on right now on what may always be my favourite keyboard... sigh) is working as well as it is (knock on wood, fingers crossed).

I did, of course, make a backup of the laptop as soon as I realized it was a display isssue (and not an entire system crash) and I'm glad I make regular backups monthly.

Oh, and did I mention my tertiary backup died?

YEAH!  Fun, right?

So I also have ordered a replacement secondary backup external drive thingy because up until recently (this last laptop) I just kept all my files on my laptop.  Jason suggested this wasn't the best, so when I leased the laptop I also purchased an external drive and have been keeping all my photos and digital art (and writing) on it.

And since I know they fail, I'm kind of scared of losing everything.

So... another backup for files is coming.  And yes, I'm aware that they could both go and I could lose everything and that does happen.  But... I'm trying to do the best I can and hoping for the best and realizing this is the new reality of digital files.

I mean, artists and photographers can lose physical files in fires or floods or through theft so... it just is what it is I guess.

Anyway... I was sitting there last night thinking "I wonder if I can log on to my blog and type out a post?" and sure enough I can.

Because yeah... I can't log on to most things because my passwords are all stored on the laptop I don't currently have and I don't have any of them memorized and no, I don't use a password manager.  (yet?)

So there are a bunch of things I'm not able to do right now.  Like I realized and had to contact my therapist to let him know I don't have the ability to do our scheduled video session this week (cuz I won't have the working laptop back yet and this one won't handle it, plus I don't have the sign in info).

I can't sign in to my bank to look over my banking info and stuff like that.  It made me realize how much I rely on that laptop for a lot of things.

I know I could reset all my passwords and all that, but I'm trying to keep things simple and easy rather than over complicating an already ugh situation.

So that's my non update update.  Another week without a full laptop.  And then who knows how long until a completely new laptop and the bumpy transition I expect from/with that and seeing what works and what got borked.  I mean I'm two OS's behind as it is, just to keep things that I have now working.

My phone is sure going to appreciate the break when it gets to go back to just being a phone rather than a streaming tv service again!

Er....

I'm currently writing this on a jerry-rigged monitor set up situation (that includes crossing my fingers for good luck) as my laptop's display went bonkers (aka broke) a couple of days ago.  Good timing eh?

So if there are no posts for a while that means the laptop went in for repairs and I don't have another way to post.  

So just in case, Happy New year!  Although I certainly hope to have the/a laptop back by then but with the holidays and all who knows.

Whoops!

The Strangest Year

I was just sitting here, contemplating a walk on what has turned out to be a very chilly day and my brain was talking to itself and....

Me:  It's Christmas Eve!  I can tell because there are things around that show me... like cards and a practically empty advent calendar and a gift or two.  Christmas Eve, I should... listen to some carols and watch some movies and stuff.

Also me:  I have no idea what day it is.  Or season.  I don't think it's Spring anymore because I have a hot water bottle and a blanket but yeah, this feels like most of the other days I've had this year.  

Still me:  This is weird.  I wonder what psychological term applies to this... weirdness.

Merry Eve, y'all.  Stay well.

Well, Here We Are

Here we are, at the very tail end of a year that has been... just.... a lot.  

I mean, lots of years are a lot and I'm not saying this year has been "the worst" for everyone but this year has had that extra layer of the global pandemic for us all.

And usually with the end of a year and the start of another there can be a sort of a break... a sense of renewal, change, difference.

I wonder what this January will bring.

Christmas is also coming, er, like now... so that's a thing that is both happening and not quite happening.

I'm still not entirely sure what, if anything, I'm doing.  According to the rules in BC at the moment, I'm allowed to see "one or two" people due to the fact that I live alone, and so Jason is my bubble person and I will likely see him on Christmas day.  He's decided we will do a "big dinner" on the 26th, and when he said this I might have cried a little... and I'm honestly not even sure why?  I told him it upset me and he pointed out it's what we've done the "last few years" and I guess my brain just thought something different.

I know the last two or three (?) Christmases have been different for me.  I got quite sick a few years ago and I now believe it was mainly the stress of it all and that year I didn't even have the ability, physically, to attempt to see family and from what I remember Jason picked me up and took care of me and I slept most of the day.  I saw my family a few days later and it was far more relaxing and yes, I did call or text them or something on the 25th to let them know I was ill and Merry Christmas but that break... that year of NOT seeing family and all the stress and upset that has gone with that... well, I guess I realized it was ok to step away and do my own thing on the actual day of and so I've spent the last few Christmases quietly and dealt with family on either side of the actual day.  It still feels a little weird, but hey, sanity and health right?

This year, as I mentioned the other day, seeing family is just not an option and I'm mostly fine with that.  I'm 100% fine with it due to Covid and just a little less fine with it if Covid suddenly disappeared (that makes sense in my head.. I'm saying I'm totally ok with not seeing family this year due to it being the safest and wisest, and only allowed thing.)  

I have gifts for my parents and will drop them off for them likely today or tomorrow (weather depending... I mean we had rain/snow on Monday my gosh!) and I would imagine there might be a FaceTime or two on the day but if I'm totally honest they're tiring... the video calls.  Maybe that's just me but yeah... tiring.  We shall see.  But yeah, somehow the idea of waiting until the 26th to have a "Christmas dinner" was the first thing I've teared up over this holiday season, even though I haven't had a Christmas dinner on Christmas day (according to Jason) in a few years and the years I've been with family... well, I can't actually remember the last time I stayed long enough for dinner so it's probably been a good chunk of years since I've done that on the 25th but for whatever reason, this year it stung.

It's maybe because I can't see family, which honestly feels different than choosing not to see them.  Sure, I'm less stressed this year but there is also a sense of loss I suppose.

Whatever you're doing this Christmas, or this week or this month, I hope you are safe and well and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.  

I haven't made any posting decisions so I'll see you again when I see you.  Take care, stay safe, big hugs.

 

Oh...

I was re-reading some of my personal diary entries from the start of the year... to see how I felt January of this year and then to see how I felt as Covid hit our shores and we went into lockdown.

I found an entry from the 11th of March and I just, well, I wanted to hug me or something...

Here's an exerpt:

"A part of me is scared of this Coronavirus.  I'm not sure what is is that scares me though.... 

The idea of getting sick? People I love getting sick? Society crumbling?  How bad society might handle it?  I don't know.

I'm just unhappy and anxious and getting miserable about it all.

I hope it goes away soon."

Oh... me too.... me too.

And I did.  I really wanted it to be a short lived thing.  Maybe a couple of months.  And when I heard initial predictions that it might be around for "a few years" I tried as best I could to not think too hard on that and what that would look like or mean because I had no idea.  Clearly.

I still do hope it goes away soon but I'm far more realistic about the fact that that's not really going to happen.

But ouch, this hurt to read and while I've gotten used to certain things and I'm handling certain things better this is still hard and I do not like it and I wish it would all just go away.

Sigh.

Solstice!

Ahhhhh, we made it.  

("We" in the Northern Hemisphere anyway.)

I know we're still in the darkest time of year and I know Winter now starts but now, now we've hit Solstice and that means the days start to get imperceptibly longer and lighter again!

Phew.  Happy Solstice all, may the coming months and seasons bring you health, comfort and joy.

Oh, and there's a planet thing happening right now too so if that's your kind of thing and you have clear skies tonight, go take a look!

I'll Have You Know

You're talking to a like serious super genius right now because it only took me THREE sets of burnt toast to realize I'd accidentally knocked the "temperature" button on my toaster when I was cleaning it.  ONLY THREE!

(ahem)

Oh Please Make It Go Away, I'm Sorry I Ever Saw It!

When you start your day with a dream like this, you have to hope the day only improves.... like, can only go up from here right?  

So you may have seen the popular (I don't like saying "viral story" anymore... sigh) story about the family who has "kept" (as in, allowed to stay) a huntsman (aka HUGE) spider in their house like a pet/friend.  Yeah, I didn't like the article but I glanced at it and said "yeah, no, I would not be able to do that, it's too big... gah"

So my brain thought including said giant spider in a dream was a REALLY GOOD WAY TO WAKE ME UP THIS MORNING!!!

So....... my cat (I don't have a cat) ate the spider because the spider had died (sad) and then the cat threw up the dead, partially eaten spider carcus cuz... gross.  AND THEN I PUT IT ON A PLATE AND ATE IT.  IN THE DREAM I ATE THE CAT BARFED UP DEAD GIANT SPIDER OMG I'M SO SORRY I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOW YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO AND WHY BRAIN WHYYYYYY????

Huh?

I feel like there are so many things I don't understand right now.  I mean that thought can be applied to... you know, everything, but right now I mean it within the context of the pandemic and where it feels like "we" are right now.

I'm seeing things happen, and admittedly, most of them are through the media via the States, so perhaps not fully representative of, say, the world but like... I'm confused.

Confused by "live" tv shows that have been back on air and people in those shows being close and how many people shrug things off with "we all got tested!" and that's not even considering the folks I see who seem to be planning "back to normal as soon as I get this vaccine" and, well, I guess I just have a different understanding of what I think is... best (?) better (?) for long term health or something.

I'm confused by the amount of holiday travelling that is being reported and while I do understand the human concept of "I'm an exception" and I do understand that we're all tired tired tired of this... I guess I'm just hitting what feels like a very different take on things and I know I'm not alone in this, and I'm trying to sort of at least attempt to be neutral but I'm not really sure why a lot of things are happening right now and this is all just continuing to be weird....

Sigh.

I like to say and think positive things like "we're all doing the best we can" but sometimes I wonder about that, honestly.... and as I've mentioned before, reading online comments about this right now is something that sets me off into a bad state of anxiety so I'm trying to limit that...

And I get it, I do, I get that we're (ALMOST!) all hurting.  (We'll just skip over those for whom this pandemic has been a boon.... sigh).  Industries are struggling, businesses, people, families.  I don't think many if any of us/them were prepared for this particular situation and so I can try to understand industries and businesses and people trying to adapt... but still.... but still... I think I'm most baffled by the entertainment industry right now, and I'm including sports in that and I could go on but I'll stop myself, I just... don't get it. 

I guess I'll end by saying I hope if you're reading this you're staying as safe and healthy as possible and that your loved ones are as well.  This isn't easy, this isn't normal, this isn't anything we're used to and I'm not naive enough to think that a new year is going to bring about a sudden change like I think we all would like.

Let's Book It!

I had a strange (for me) thing that happened this last week or so and as I sit down to talk about it I think it was most likely just a coincidence?

I read books in bed at night.  I always have, it's like... my thing.

Most nights, if the book is good, I read a chapter or so and get a little sleepy and so put the book aside at a good break time and then go night night!

But this book that I just finished, I'd read a point of feeling like it was lights off time, put the book down, turn off my light and be like... wide awake?  It was weird.  I kept wondering if it was something in the book that was riling me up or something but like I started off saying here, I think it was maybe just more a coincidence rather than a book causing lack of sleep?  (It wasn't an exciting or scary book or anything, just basically a romance if anything... so odd that I felt very not sleepy while reading it.)

I finished the book last night and so will start another and we'll see if the weird non sleep thing continues or what.  I keep hearing that sleep has been extra elusive for many this year due to the ongoing pandemic and the stresses it brings, so... yeah.

Speaking of books.  My tracking that I've done the last two years tells me that this year I saved $255 by using the library!  And that's with a shut down for part of the year! (Vs how much I would have spent if I'd bought the books myself at current market rate.)

I just bought myself (locally!) four books as a Christmas treat for myself.  Three books the library didn't have (which is frustrating in some way I can't quite put my finger on... like part of me assumes the library will have ALL THE BOOKS even though that's not... possible) and one that they likely will but that I wanted anyway cuz... treats!

Those four books and the one I got as a gift for someone else cost me about $120.  (They delivered it for free, awwww!) I could have saved a handful of dollars had I ordered through Amazon but... I'm working at reducing my Amazon orders and buying locally whenever possible for many many reasons.  Many.

I'll go back to library books once I've finished these - two of them are "second in series" books that the library didn't have.  I was hopeful that I would be able to donate the books to the library once I was done reading them, but it turns out you can't just do that.  Which is a bummer, as, well, hey, the library doesn't have these and now I do and, I'm sure others want to read them you know?

So yeah. Books continue to be awesome and one of my favourite things and I treated myself to a year end bonanza of books and I'm looking forward to digging into one of them tonight!

I Always Know

Do you have any foods that you know will "upset" your mouth but you eat them anyway?

I mean like... something, usually candy for me, that is yummy and you love it but when you eat it your mouth gets all angry and not quite allergic reaction but like irritated sort of ulcers and then you spend more days with the sore gum/roof of mouth than you did actually enjoying the treat but part of you still suspects that in another number of months you will think "it's worth it" and do it again and then play the whole thing out again?

Um... yeah... I'm looking at you orange Fritt!  (And Starburst to be fair... and probably some others I've currently forgotten...sigh)

Ow.

Sorry About This!

As I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep while also debating the fact I clearly needed to pee and should just get up and get that over with (spoiler, I did, but I "wasted" nearly two hours trying to pretend I didn't need to!) I started to think about the two times I remember my pee being very much not the right colour.  So, yeah, you get a pee post, sorry!

The one time was in University and I had been in contact with someone who got meningitis.  It was scary, and they put all of us who'd been in contact with them on a serious antibiotic with the warning it would turn our urine orange.

And yeah, I remember that.  Like... that orange drink stuff you used to get at field days at schools from McDonalds?  Remember that orange?  So yeah, like that, if a little... paler?  It would have been terrifying if I wasn't expecting it!!!

The other time was at Burning Man, so I may have mentioned it here already.  But because of the location, elevation, temperature, time of year and dust at Burning Man, staying hydrated is damn important, but so is managing your electrolytes.

I still am not sure what happened, but I was staying in Max's trailer, which for the first time, allowed me to see the colour of my urine.  Sorry for the details, but when you normally (as someone without a penis) go pee there you're peeing into a portapotty and so can't see the colour.  But in the trailer, I was peeing into a "regular" toilet and then turning to flush it and so able to see the colour of my supposed to be hydrated urine!  Which... in this case was close to brown. (Or at least that's how it appeared, perhaps a trick of the lighting or something in the trailer system, who knows, I just was like oh swear word, this is not good.)

Yeah... very very not good.

I told Max right away and we got me some coconut water (which is gross but good for hydration and electrolytes) and, well, I just watched to make sure things improved, which they did, and I was extra mindful of my fluid intake for the rest of the week!

So, yeah.  Because I had to pee last night, I started to think about those two not normal coloured pee times and, well, now you have this post, sorry! 

So, It Wasn't Just Me

Remember last month when I wondered if my body was not dealing with heat or something, like was it just me or was it weirdly cold and Jason L of blog comment fame (not to be confused with Jason of, uh... I talk about him fame) commented that yeah, it had been a cold November, and I felt a bit better.

So here I am about a month later turning up my radiator and then having to turn it down the next day... and then folding down a blanket or three and then pulling them up a few days later.  Opening both bedroom windows halfway and then in a couple of days having to shut them both.  So yeah, I guess that start of November was colder than usual.  And I keep reminding myself that we tend to have our cold cold spells more into January and February than November/December and that technically Winter hasn't started yet anyway... but yeah, I need to go turn my radiator down a bit this morning, I can't keep up man! 

These are the daaaaaays of our lives!

Laruel Canyon (Wow, I Spelled That Wrong, Nice!)

I thought I'd treat myself to another streaming service (I have Netflix already) and so I signed up for Crave - which is, I think, a Canadian company but has a lot of "big hitters" like HBO and, well, there is very little if any crossover to Netflix so it's kind of like all the things Netflix doesn't have.  Ok, not all but some... you know?

About a day in I realized it didn't have that many things I wanted to watch and so couldn't really justify the cost to myself, but they have a week's trial anyway, so one of the things I did watch was a two part documentary about Laurel Canyon and the music that came out of there in the mid sixties.  It's all a lot of music I really like and connect with and I knew some of the stories (think Joni Mitchell, Crosby Stills, Nash and Young, Buffalo Springfield, Mamas and Papas, etc etc) but I also learned some things I hadn't really gone that far into.

There's another documentary about the place, time, and folks on Netflix, but it was a bit more music based than story based, but they did compliment each other nicely. 

I miss that music.  I miss the energy that came from and through them.  I wasn't alive at the time, so I don't know what it was like to be discovering that music as it came out or what it was like to either be part of that scene or removed from it or even against it.  I once asked my parents about Woodstock (they weren't there, or even remotely people who would have considered going to it) and from what I recall they said something about how those weren't "their kind of people"  or something like that.  So I've always reminded myself that the sixties wasn't all hippies, and it wasn't all "peace, free love" and whatever.  I wish I could have lived through some of what the documentaries showed.... all these creative, musical people just hanging out in each others living rooms with guitars and making music and creating magic.  Of course I don't know if or how I would have fit in but still... I can long for a time and place I don't know.

At least one of the musicians they interviewed talked about how for just a couple of years it was a really magical place, like the renaissance or something, and man, I sure love the sound and the music that came out of it, and I don't know if or when we'll see something gel like that again.

Tired

"There are different types of tired."

This is what I find myself thinking this morning.  Different kinds of tired.  Different tireds?

I say this because I'm tired this morning but it is not the same tired I had last night.  

Last night I was physically tired, "bone tired" was the term I used although that was just what popped into mind from those old timey movies and such, I dunno...

It was hard to move last night.  It was like my body just didn't want to.  My legs kept feeling like they were going to cramp and they were sore and I wondered if I hadn't stretched enough after my walk or if I hadn't had enough water or what.  I thought eating might perk me up but nope.  Maybe all that digesting tipped my body over into a WE DON'T WANNA sort of tired tantrum but yeah I was physically tuckered out last night.  And sore.  I worried a bit that I might be coming down with something.... hopefully not.

I took an extra magnesium and then I took a Robaxacet and so now this morning I had a hard time waking up and I'm tired but my body's feeling ok, just tired.  Like no pain or discomfort and it's probably the drugs in my system just dragging me down kind of tired.

So it's like there's sleep tired.  Not enough or too much.  And there's body tired, which also can be not enough (movement) or too much or somewhere in between.  There's doing something tired and doing nothing tired.  There's mentally tired.  Drained.  Emotionally tired.  From stress.  There's depression tired.  Slammed from panic/anxiety exhausted.  I'm sure I could keep going... But yeah, my tired from this morning is not the same tired as I had last night.  Different kinds of tired.

Here's to hopefully waking up a bit more!

This December

I talked with a couple of friends this weekend about how they're handling their holiday plans and I just feel like saying how grateful I am that I've been spending the last few years making Christmas less and less "important" and less and less stressful and more about taking care of myself and not losing my bleep because I am not stressed about this year.

It helps that my Mom just flat out said "this year is just cancelled, for everything" and so we haven't "done" any holidays or celebrations this year (other than the occasional sitting outside to say hello for birthdays and such).  So that's made it easier to know that Christmas wasn't even something they were considering.  I also don't have kids or young ones so I know that makes things a lot easier for me too, but yeah, I'm relieved that I'm not having to worry about things at all this year.

I know people are reacting to the ongoing pandemic in a variety of ways and I know that all the holidays and celebrations over the next month will likely push some folks over an edge of safe choices... and that some will be hard hit and struggle.  One friend I talked to said that as she and her husband were trying to  figure out what outdoor, possibly safe (and depending on what the rules are at the time) short get together with parents/kids they might feel comfortable pulling off he asked her why they were even thinking about it when they wouldn't have been thinking about it in April.  And yeah... the fatigue is certainly a thing.  And we've been living with it for most of a year now... and, well, I know for many Christmas is a HUGE thing, especially as we age and have aging, not always well parents.  But as my friend said to me, even if my parent is willing to risk it, how will I feel if I end up killing my parent just over wanting to have them see their grandkid on Christmas day?

So, yeah... I get that this is rough for a whole lot of folks, and there are so many celebrations around this  time of year, not just Christmas....

I don't know if the idea of a vaccine being sort of kind of probably close-ish? will make it easier for people to say "ok, well it won't be that much longer... right?" or if it will make some more lax or what.  

Anyway, it's starting to stress me out to think about all this and especially starting to stress me out to think about the endless possibilities of "the future" (I put that in quotations so you could say it in a big scary voice because it feels big and scary when the anxiety kicks in...)

This is a dark time of year.  Literally in this hemisphere.... and for many it's also a metaphorically dark time of year.  And having a pandemic at this darkest time of year is not ideal.   But it's what we have and I hope we all make the best, most well informed choices we can make to keep ourselves and our loved ones healthy and well and safe, and to keep our medical system from getting overwhelmed.  But I know folks are stressed and trying to figure out something they've never had to think about before.

To quote Jim Morrison...

Strange days have found us

Strange days have tracked us down 

They're going to destroy

Our casual joys

Hang in there my loves.  That's my plan.  I hope it's yours too.

Free

There was a time a while back where I read or saw something from a writer saying something along the paraphrased lines of.... I just write 200 shitty words a day.  That's it.  I make myself write 200 shitty words a day, I tell myself they don't have to even be good.  And from that came a novel.  

Or... something like that.  Their point was just write.  Don't think, just 200 words every day, they don't even have to be good.

So I did that for a while.  Might even have been a month or two.  And yes, like the writer suggested, some days the words were better than others and most days reaching 200 words was easy and more was written.  

But a novel never formed.  I wasn't quite attempting to write a novel, but I was curious if one would write itself or if something would show itself.  I ended up with thirty pages of words, and I can't say I've gone back to look at them again, but I must have seen the document recently - probably as I'm attempting to sort and save my stuff before the new laptop arrives and data needs transferred and all that... so I was thinking about it again recently.  In part, because I wondered if some of it might be sharable here.   I remember at the time thinking "I should be writing for my blog!" but I figured writing was writing and that was a free-form type of thing and OMG can I tell you how many times I've had to fix this ARGH non functioning space bar situation in this paragraph alone OMG! ahem...

But then I thought instead of that, maybe I could just start again here with the "just write 200 shitty words a post" and see what comes out and I suppose this post is a bit of that.  But also, I'm trying not to mess with my laptop too much as I know every time I change something, the backups Jason and I have made are out of date and I'd rather not accidentally lose something... somethings.

So... yeah, if my writing here possibly becomes even more random than usual (HA!) it's just me trying to give myself some breathing room and creative space to write. More. 

Sigh - A Short Story

My new neighbours moved in.  

I miss my old neighbours.

The end.

A Hard One

Sometimes when I go to start a post, I'll do a search on the blog to see if I've talked about it before, and if it was recently.  The search function is not awesome, but it generally gets a hit and I go from there.

The point of this post was to talk about my weight and how it's seriously stressing me out right now and when I did a search for "weight" turns out I've been talking about it, and unhappily on and off for ages.

Which kind of makes me sad...  that's a lot of time to not like the body I live in.

I know people joke or talk about having put on quarantine weight, but I didn't.  And then I did?  Really suddenly?

I usually weigh myself every once in a while and if the scale goes up at all I tighten up my eating and stuff and it goes down.  I'm usually playing with a few pounds here or there, and yes, sometimes I "lose" or "gain" two pounds overnight and that's just water weight or whatever, but this time I started avoiding the scale.  I don't really know why, I just had an aversion to it that turned into an anxiety about it.

So there were maybe two maybe three months there where I didn't keep a close eye on my weight and so when I did finally push myself to step on up there, I'd gained nearly 12 pounds.  Holy sh*t.

I panicked.  Like, really.  Because it's not like I'd been eating really terribly all of a sudden.  I hadn't been great since Spring  - all those Oreos and such but... not 12 sudden pounds worth?

I'm going in today to get a few things checked blood work wise.  Because it could be hormone or thyroid or something else related but the sucky part is that while weight is easy to put on, especially as you get older it seems,  it is not so easy to get off.  Especially as you get older.  Sigh.

And it's not like I'm comfortable with the gym right now, as much as the place near me has tried to adjust to make it safer, it's still outside of my comfort zone.  I've been trying to go for more walks, but that has its own issues.... like random pains that show up and stab me, or trying to fit it in, or trying to make sure I'm warm/dry enough in whatever weather the late Fall is bringing.  And sure, that's probably whiny of me... 

I've tried some workout videos too and tried to push through the misery I feel while attempting them.

I've cut back on buying "junk" type food and sweets but nothing has made a dent yet and that is stressing me out incredibly.

I don't think you can tell from the outside.  I mean even for myself my clothes all still fit and all that, but when I got into the shower the other day I'm pretty sure I saw a belly that I've never seen before in my life and I am horrified.  

Which is not a healthy place to be.

I would love to be confident in my body no matter the size/weight/shape, I really would.  And I'm working on that.  But man if it isn't bringing up all sorts of mean self-talk... 

When a certain kiddo turned 17 the other week, I found pictures to send to them and my brother and sister in law.  And I was honestly stunned at how thin I was in those photos...  nearly 20 years ago.  And so this has not helped my psyche at all because I thought I was SO fat then, SO SO fat and now I see evidence that I absolutely was not.  And here I am again finding myself SO fat... and I'm afraid that I might not actually be.... but that I won't know it until 20 years in the future and what a waste that will have been... 

Of course I want to lose weight.  Probably mainly for reasons of vanity.  But I do also know that having less weight on helps the body in a number of ways from less joint pain to easier functioning for organs and it's just better to be in that healthier weight range.  I would love to be the weight it used to say on my driver's license, but I don't think that's realistic, so I have a weight I think is realistic for now - about 20 lbs lighter than I am right now.  That's still not "skinny", but it's within a better BMI.  And I don't know if I can get there.

I can not flip my brain to accept that this current weight is my new weight, I just can not.  So I've got a lot of anxiety and upset in my brain about it all and things are already pretty stressful so it's not helping.

So I'll start by seeing what my blood work says.  There was a medication change a few months ago that I do wonder about weight gain from.... and there is my thyroid situation that may need tweaking.  But adjusting anything hormonally won't make the weight fall off.  I kind of have to do that myself and I'm not sure I"m going to be able to and that is stressing me out a lot lot lot.

How I look is a hard thing for me to talk about.... and my weight is something that has always upset and stressed me out.

And I wish it weren't like that.

In Arms

Even though I'm telling some truths here... apparently... I still won't tell you what my job is/was.  To me, that's just not worth the risk, even if said risk is wholly imagined.  So I am still a spy, and have been for a while now, k?  K.

But... there are a couple of other things I'd like to get off my chest.

First of all, while I only ever say "my brother", I actually have more than one.  I am the youngest (ta da!) but my "genius" of a mind thought that if anyone ever suspected this blog was me, they'd see I never referred to my brothers plural and they'd be like, oh, nevermind it's clearly not her I AM SO SMRT LIKE SCOOBY DO SMART YOU GUYS!!!

Ahem.

And, I'm treading carefully here because family privacy... I am very happily an Aunt.  Something I've not mentioned here (as far as I know/recall.)  The eldest of those delightful creatures turned 17 a few weeks back which is likely what brought me to thinking so much about my age, because HOW HAVE SEVENTEEN YEARS PASSED SINCE THEY WERE BORN!  I am fully understanding now of those Aunts who say "I knew you when you were SO SMALL" because I did.  I knew these beings when my brothers and their wives shared their pregnancies with us and I met them all when they were teeny tiny things you just wanted to SQUISH.

Confession:  I still want to SQUISH them... yes, even the 17 year old.  But I resist.  Sometimes.  

I haven't, with Covid, seen any family (in person) other than my parents since March.  I miss hugs and cuddles and asking questions about books and school and hobbies.  I know there's Facetime and the like and I do get texts (or replies to texts) from time to time but it's been a really long time since I sat on a couch and a little person scrunched up against me to show me something.  Ok... now I'm getting teary... 

I chose to not mention my Aunt-hood because they're children, but being an Aunt is definitely something I value.  I am also an "Aunt" to several other children in my life who are not blood related, but the children of some of my dear friends, and it's a new role to me as I didn't really grow up knowing my Aunts.  (There was only one who lived in Canada and we didn't see that family much at all...)  So I don't really have Aunt role models to draw from, and I don't see any of these young people as much as I'd like, but that's also ok as "old people" aren't really all that cool once you're out of primary school (right?) and with Covid now... well... yeah.  

But man, seeing your sibling(s) as a parent is a trip, eh?  And while I'm not sure my brothers and I look all that alike, man oh man do those kids look like the photos of us when we were kids, but in a way that makes you go "holy crap genetics!"

I'll just keep on referring to "my brother" here if/when I do talk about a brother because technically correct is still correct and there's no real need for me to describe whichever one of them I happen to be babbling about at the time.

(Oh, and just for the record, the only time I've ever grabbed a cheek like Aunts do in movies was to make a joke about "this is what Aunts do in movies" cuz getting your cheek grabbed hurts, man!)

The Truth Of It All

When I first started this blog around fourteen years (yep, an entire teenager) ago I decided to not mention my age.

My theory at the time, from what I can pull out of my memory is that in a lot of ways it didn't really matter - most bloggers at that time were around.... a similar (?) age and I didn't want to potentially alienate anyone.

At the time, I was amusing myself when I couldn't sleep at night by writing little "Dear So and So" letters in my head.  Hence the idea "advice from".  And I was single at the time and dating far far more than I am now and I thought I'd share my dating life and relationships and possibly, eventually my marriage. 

I remember a "The Secret" type person in my life a few years in warning me that by naming my blog "single girl" I was calling that into my life and that it would likely result in me being single forever.

I heard what she was saying, but also liked the name and I'm not sure I understood the process of going about changing it anyway or if I did, I didn't want to deal with losing readers or friends.  And yet here I am, nearly fifteen years later, still single, and no longer really giving advice.

But hey, lots of bloggers evolve out of the name they originally chose.  Many of them just stick with the name anyway.  (Kind of like that awkward moment when you get an email from someone who clearly chose that handle when they were a teen and haven't changed it as an adult!)

I don't know that anyone but me ever cared about my age, but I think I tried to tell myself everyone thought I was young.  And I suppose by "young" I mean in my twenties.

But when I started this blog I wasn't.  In my twenties, I mean.  I had just entered my thirties. You know... "old".  I just didn't feel it.

I may have mentioned it before but I had my mid-life crisis when I hit 25.

When I was a child 25 was "grown up".  And when I looked at my parents and their life trajectory, I knew that was what I was going to do as well and so my entire childhood and into my teens 25 was the age I thought I would have it all together by.  Husband, kid or kids, house, the whole nine yards.  North American dream.  At 25.  I just, by the way, double checked the math and my Mom had my brother when she was 25.  And a house, husband, career (on pause while children were young).

So I hit 25.  No house.  No husband.  No children.  I was one year in to what would become "a career" but I couldn't even really say I had that.  Not only that, my brother, who is older then I am, had just gotten married... and that was SO not supposed to happen.  In the world I grew up in the girl in the family got married first and the boy(s) dragged their heels but there I was, not JUST single, but with a male sibling who'd beaten me to the alter.  F*ck. (And as I'm writing this I'm remembering that just a few years earlier.. two?  three?  I'd thought I would be with someone forever, and we were living together and talking about getting married and then he woke up one day and told me ....  no.  So that probably was still affecting my "25" stuff at the time...)

It hit me hard and the low added to the self esteem issues I'd been carrying but also had been unaware of for a long while.

I had failed.  That's how I saw it.  And if I'm honest, I think it was a decent year to have that mid life crisis sort of feeling because now I'm not bothered by the idea of 50.  Not for those reasons anyway.  (I am bothered by the idea of it just because of time ticking endlessly away... but I digress...)

Perhaps that is part of why I didn't think my age needed to be mentioned.  I was a failure at what I thought I was meant to be and do.

But now it's nearly 15 years later.  Not from 25, from the start of this blog.  I started this blog 5 years after that "failure".  And even if you assumed I was a twenty-something, it's been 15 years.  Even if... the math suggests there's no way I'm still in my twenties.  

I don't, I admit, open up a blog and wonder how old the person is.  I usually guess... an approximation, from their photos or their "stage" of life, but it doesn't matter to me particularly.  Which makes me wonder why I thought it would matter to anyone, but I noticed as the years went on that I felt like I was trapped in this weird sort of lie thing about my age and it's been feeling weird for a while now, so here we are.

I turned 45 this year.  That's old.  And to type it out publicly HERE like this makes it look and feel and seem really old.  But it's not.  I'm not.

I mean my body is.  I feel that.  This aging shit sucks for real.  (But then again so does being unfit, ahem.)

I have this image in my head that someone young (younger than I) will read that age and cringe and delete this blog from their browser history never to return.  Or that someone, somewhere will be disappointed that they thought I was younger.  And now I'm not.  And that imagined sense of who I am  can't be taken back.  

I decided to bring this up because I've actually, quite literally forgotten my age these last few years.

Turning 40 was no big deal for me although some friends bought me lovely gifts to celebrate it.  Turning 42 was AWESOME because well, it's the answer to life, the universe and everything after all!  (I was actually a little bit disappointed that year that I didn't figure out more life answers... just saying.)

44 was a fun year because 44!  Doubles!  Four four maaaan!  But because 42 was so notable and 44 was so much fun to think of, when people ask me how old I am there is a pause, because I am no longer really actually sure.  I kind of stopped keeping that close of a track of it.

I have a long time friend who is born in the same month as me, about a week apart and she told me this year that her daughter told her that we were halfway to 90.  Not halfway to 50, which is what I'd been thinking, but HALFWAY TO 90 OMG.  My friend was a little horrified.  I thought it was funny, and good math.  But yeah, I'm aging.  And I have moments of panic about it just because there is less life left every day (morbid, horrible thought I know, sorry.)

I am still technically single.  I do like to give advice, although less publicly than I used to (the internet is not the nicest place... I swear it used to be nicer).  My pronouns are she/her so I am still a girl.  But I am not as young as I was when I started writing here, and I've always wanted to keep the idea that people might think I was young... and I'm not sure why.  Stigma around older unmarried people maybe?  Stigma around older people in general?  But I'm sure it's been said a billion times before.... the older you get the more you realize that "old" people don't feel old.

I'm twenty-five or twenty-six in my head.  Or thirty maybe?  The person I see in the mirror is shocking.  And when I spent some time online the other week looking up people I went to high school with I was shocked enough about how they looked and how old their children were (THEY HAVE CHILDREN?) that I actually talked to my counselor about it.  

I hate that I've typed this out, even though I doubt anyone will mind at all, at least a small part of me minds, but I mean in another six years, assuming I'm still blogging, even if I thought I was thought to be twenty, the twenty year old blog would have suggested otherwise... you know?  And the truth of the matter is I'm probably the person who has thought about this the most. 

I'm signing off for now, while I double check with myself about a couple of other things I may address  tomorrow.  (And the very anxious part of me would like to apologize if I've somehow let you down by being "so damn old".... sigh.  Which I'm now finding funny because I never lied, I just avoided.  I just didn't specifically say.  But my angst over this should tell you that I am not someone who is good at or comfortable with lying.... I can barely even... not be 100% truthful it seems! Gah!)

The First

Oh crap, it's December.

Sorry, that's not how I intended to start this post but when I went to set the date and time to publish, I clicked on "Tuesday" and the calendar flipped over to December and, well, yeah... that.

As you may know, even in non-pandemic years I have been skipping the malls and shops as much as possible from mid-October on to avoid the HOLIDAY STRESS (tm) I feel from folks and add that to whatever pandemic and now mask mandate stress and I just... no.

Jason has gone to the mall once or twice in the last week or so and each time he texted me "It's crazy!" and, well, yeah... it's that time of year, you know?

I am really really not feeling Christmas this year.  Even more so than the last few years.  This year is just... not.  I haven't "felt" much this year, rather have just skimmed through whatever dates were supposed to stand out, and that's ok.

I have purchased gifts for a few loved ones, and I only have to drop two off - the others were dealt with remotely (if that makes sense).  Jason I'll likely see around the holidays as he is my one person I am bubble allowed to see as a single person who lives alone (thanks for that exception Dr Henry.)  And my parents, I will bag up the gifts and remote drop the bag off at a distance as we've done with other things throughout the year.  If the weather is decent we may visit outside for a bit but they say they're fine with "cancelling" this year entirely and I'm glad they're saying that, even if the fine should be more like a "quotation fine but not really fine" sort of thing.

I'm ok with another quiet Christmas as that's what I've done for many reasons the last few years (mainly my sanity... seriously).  I will try not to be concerned about what others around the province are choosing to do and how that will impact things.... I will try not to worry over what January may look like because again, I can't control it.  I will try not to worry that people seem to think that with the new year will come .... a new year and that pandemics clearly don't pay attention to calendars and it becoming 2021 won't mean a sudden end and return to what used to be.

But, yeah, it's December.  The final month of a year that was... very and that I really feel like didn't quite happen.

My Latest Random Dream

Usually I can kind of piece together where my dreams came from but this latest one has me quite baffled.

Because... badminton.

Yep, badminton!

I was on the team (never have been) and practicing against someone  (who was someone without being them if you know what I mean) and then we went to the tournament and this person suddenly said we were playing doubles and I was like WAIT, NO!  Because we hadn't practiced DOUBLES!!!! Only against each other and NO this was not going to be ok because, well, doubles....

Y'all, I have no idea.  Sure, I've *played* badminton but never like...  as an adult at all!  And I only really played it in PE in high school so not even on a team or anything.  I also hadn't seen it anywhere, like not on a show or movie or anything so I legit have no idea where my brain pulled that one from.

And this was after a dream about me having an old truck and an old camper trailer (one of the "square" ones... it made sense in the dream) and then having to drive home after my camping trip but my actual car being too far from where I store the truck and camper and um, yeah... I get that my brain is stressed but badminton???

Well Then...

I have a couple of shows I've started watching (online) as their new seasons have started.  In this particular case I'm talking about the latest seasons of Grey's Anatomy and This Is Us.

I enjoy these shows - they're guilty pleasures I suppose, and I've kept up with the characters and stories as one does.

This year, both shows (and others I assume) have found a way to safely shoot new episodes and they have written the Covid pandemic into the story lines.

I am uncomfortable with this.

I understand it, and I have read interviews with folks on or involved with the shows talking about the choice to do so and/or the obligation they felt to encourage mask wearing or tackle the impact of the virus and so on but again, in that selfish way, I just want escape.

I suppose I will get used to it as the season progresses, or I won't and I'll save watching these shows for another time... we'll see.

I just right now am having a hard enough time coping with the fact that we are all (ahem) wearing masks.  The fact that I go out and see people in masks.  Because part of me is screaming that WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE WEARING MASKS.  As in... this is not a reality any of us signed up for (well, I mean, with the exception of all the workers who have always worn masks, but you know that's not what I mean...)

Part of me HATES that this is happening.  Part of me is still in some form of (weird) denial.  Part of me is sad.  And of course part of me is very scared.

So it's.... hard? to watch these escape-my-reality shows bringing that actual reality I don't like into their storytelling.

But I'm just one person and everyone's entitled to their opinion and take and feelings about it.

It's weird, if nothing else in a world that is already weird and has been extra so for a while now.