A Non-Review

So I don't usually review things here, because what does my opinion matter and for everything I love/dislike, someone will feel the exact opposite and who's to say I'm right anyway?

But then I got my hands on the newest John Mayer album and I had a lot to say, and I wanted to say it a lot.

I've always liked John Mayer, and I've absolutely adored his last few albums. I've even babbled here or there about how in his last couple of albums some of the songs perfectly aligned with who I am and where I was at the time. Oh, and not to mention the highly magnificent dreams I had about him for a while there...

So of course I was excited about his new album, and I listened to the early release clips and went ahead and pre-ordered the album, and you can be sure I listened to it as soon as it was released, on repeat in my house and my car.

And I didn't love it.

I knew it was a departure from his usual style, and I knew he was feeling a little country, but it wasn't that that annoyed me, it was what felt like forced rhymes in a couple of the songs. They grated on me and I felt like I was listening to a fifth grader who was proud of all the words they'd figured out could rhyme with each other.

I missed his soulful guitar too, and felt like I could hear the soreness in his voice (he's battling some kind of throat "injury" and isn't able to tour to support this album).

And man oh man did I want to rant about how disappointed I was in the album. But it felt rude to put it out there, so I searched to see what the critics were saying; surely someone else had noticed the things I was struggling with.

But no. Positive review after positive review which then annoyed me even more because I started to wonder if anyone actually gives an honest review anymore or if they're all just part of the industry of selling.

So instead, I took a break from listening to it over and over and just let it sit. And then I went back to it and found that with the exception of the two heavily rhymed songs (which I can skip over, even though they have catchy melodies) I quite liked the rest and really liked a couple.

And to be fair, there are probably a couple of songs on each of his albums that I could take or leave and the more I listened to the songs the more I liked them.

Is it my favourite of his? No, but I can't expect an artist to stay static their entire career and I can't expect our lives to be in similar places of angst or joy at the same time.

So, yeah. I don't love John Mayer's new album Born and Raised as much as I loved his last, Battle Studies, but he's got some good songs on it and I really like a couple of them.

But what will always bring me back to his stuff isn't this, which I like (in all its Great Big Sea-ness):


John Mayer - The Age of Worry (Born and Raised)


But this...which I *love*. Love, love, love, love, love.:


John Mayer - Gravity  
(Please tell me that wasn't just sex via the guitar/voice)

So, there's my review of Born and Raised.... I was frustrated by it, then let it go and came back to it and realized that all in all, I liked it and there were a couple of songs to love. The end.

What Are You Up To?

I think I'm going to collapse into this weekend and never want to come out.

I had planned to look at Open Houses every day this weekend, but after looking at four places after work yesterday I'm feeling kind of done with it. Like, super exhausted and actually dizzy, like, literally.

Thank goodness I don't have a time limit or need to sell my place or anything because, man, this process is a doozie.

But who knows, I'll see how today goes and maybe if it's sunny (crossed fingers!) I'll wander around the neighbourhood and pop in a few places.

Or not.

Maybe I'll just lie here and recover instead.

Let's See. . . What Went Well?

I decided it was time for another "What Went Well?" post so, here's what's gone well over the past couple of days.

- I didn't break down in tears. Yay!

- I had "dessert shooters" at a restaurant. So cute and so yummy!

- I survived the process of going and looking at places, so that was good.

- I ordered some books from Amazon and then realized one of them I had already bought elsewhere and just forgot about but when I went online to return it they said I was such a good customer I could keep it and they'd refund the money anyway! What a nice surprise! (Now I'm going to see if I can donate the extra book to the library.)

- I felt nice and cozy wrapped up in my blanket in the chilly weather.

How about you? What's something that's gone well in the last week or so?

And Jupiter Aligns With Mars

My Mom called me at the end of the work day Tuesday and told me that she and my Dad had just been to a local viewing point and because the day had become clearer-skied, they'd been able to see Venus begin its transit across the sun.

I managed to get myself to the spot and was happy to see a fairly large group, young and old, waiting to use the differing telescopes that had been set up for viewing.

And, yes, I did in fact get a chance to see Venus, this tiny tiny little dot of a thing, hanging out in front of the sun; this massive burning globe of a thing.

And I got to see sunspots too, and I'm really glad I went up to take a look because the whole thing was pretty cool.

It felt important; portentous somehow. A sign of great, positive things to come.

And of course, me being me, I couldn't help singing this for the rest of the day and fell in love with it all over again...


Hair- Aquarius

Unexpected

I would never have expected it, but I felt really left out of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations this weekend (and the last couple of days too.)

I don't have cable, so I couldn't catch it on tv, so I followed what I could online and through photos and blogs. And I felt sad that I wasn't there.

I wanted to be in a suburb of London, having a giant block party, or watching the Queen's flotilla rowing down the Thames.

I'm sure there was some kind of celebration here in town, but I didn't hear about it and I'm not sure I would have gone.

I maybe should have gone over to my parents' and watched some of it with them, but I didn't know I'd want to, and I didn't know I'd feel so strangely bereft.

For those of you wondering why on earth I'd feel this way at all... my parents immigrated from the UK, making me a first generation Canadian. So while I grew up here, my roots are elsewhere; as is my extended family, and the culture my parents grew up in.

I'm proud to be a Canadian, and I'm proud to live in the Commonwealth. And on top of all that, I love it when people get together to celebrate and be joyous and happy and I would have liked to have been a part of this particular celebration.

I just didn't know it.

A Lightening

There really is no such thing as "normal." There's just a general understanding of how someone should be and that understanding changes from family to family and from culture to culture from society to society.

So while it might be normal to feel and discuss and share and cry and laugh somewhere like, I don't know, maybe the stereotypical Italy we see in movies, I wasn't raised in a family/time/place/society where that was particularly accepted.

I've spent a lot of my life trying to be more like how I thought I was supposed to be. Or trying to change myself to fit what others were comfortable with or happy with or even trying to be who they were. And it's been hard.

I wandered around downtown this weekend with a good friend of mine who I don't get to see often as I'd like. We sat and caught up for a while, people watching, and ended up talking about the similar struggles we were going through, and in particular, the stress surrounding certain aspects of our personalities that we both find aren't understood by most people.

I told her about a rough time I'd gone through last week and she mentioned how she will often feel similarly and how she sometimes just says to people "look, I'm a highly sensitive person and I need some time to process this," and removes herself from the situation.

And you know how sometimes someone says just the right thing to tip the scale of your mind fully into understanding? Well, that did it.

What she said clicked with things I've been reading and wondering and know about myself and trying to figure out about myself and I realized that instead of trying to meet some random "normal" that I feel everyone but me must understand and be part of, there are actually a lot of people feeling and thinking and reacting the same way as I do. And somehow that makes me feel more normal, knowing that my difference is a common one.

So I have some reading to do, and so far a lot of what's been written seems to fit and make sense and it's a relief. Because while I may not fit in to what's normal with the people and even the society around me? It sounds like there are a lot of other people out there who think and feel and react the same way that I do, and that makes me feel like I'm not insane or wrong or weird.

It actually makes me feel normal.

A Lot

I've been wound extra tight over the last week or two and while I'm proud of my decision to start moving forward with the process of buying a place, there's been a lot of stress involved.

I've gone to bed almost every night clenching my teeth, trying to wish away a headache after looking at listings online. And then I've woken up almost ever morning and thought "forget this, I'm not buying a place, I'll just stay here."

I've said over and over again how I don't understand how people can find this fun or enjoyable, when all it seems to be is a ton of stress, worry, anxiety, and nerves. (They're probably all the same thing, but they don't feel like it.)

It was near the end of last week when my co-worker said "you know, you've done a lot in the past ten days." And I guess I hadn't thought of that.

I kind of went from zero to sixty all at once and met with a realtor and a mortgage specialist and made calls and sent emails and tried to get all my financial ducks in a row and then tried to start weeding through places because what if I missed the perfect one but what if I found something and bought it and then hated it and there really was too much all at once.

I don't know if I felt the need to rush, or just to get going, to get started, but yes, I did take on a lot, very suddenly, in a short amount of time. And it didn't feel good.

I do hope, however, that now that the initial work has been done, I can just sort of relax into it a bit. I don't know that I'll ever be mellow zen about this whole thing, but it must in some way be better than the last week or two, right?

I guess that I might not enjoy going out to look at places and I'm pretty sure I'll feel really freaked out if/when I get to the actual buying/signing/massive loan that they just call a mortgage part but it can't always be this intense, can it?

So, yeah. I've done a lot in the last ten days and I would like a break from that, a mellowing slow down from all that.

Because this feels very much like a head on road to burnout crashville and I don't want or need that. It's been crazy around here and I hope it mellows out now.

What's The Physics Invovled?

I woke up this morning to a gigantic bird poop on the bottom of my big, main window.

And since I'm not on the top floor, and there's no overhang above my window, all I can think is, how on earth did a bird manage to get that there?

Like, seriously.

Back When It Was Easier To Know

When they asked me, when I was little, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd say one of a few things.

A princess. (I was sure I was adopted from royalty and would one day be re-discovered.)

A horse trainer.

A ballerina.

A ballerina/horse trainer. (Part time at each I suppose)

And when I was in elementary school: a lawyer.

At some point I remember wanting to be famous, like a rock star or actor or something, but I'm none of these things, and I'm, apparently "grown up."

I don't know what I want to be anymore. I don't want to be a laywer, I got bucked off a horse when I was twelve and that scared me enough that I shied away from them a bit.

My body won't let me be a ballerina anymore, and I'm pretty darn sure there isn't a royal house searching for their long lost heiress.

A famous actor? I think I've passed that age. Famous rock star? Ditto. Plus I'm not madly talented in that way.

I would love to make a strong living being paid for something creative. Writing, photography, some other art form or expression, but everyone wishes that and that's not enough; just to wish it.

So I'm trying to re-find the passion I used to have as a little kid.

I'm trying to figure out what I would jump to answer if you sat me down, gave me a crayon and a piece of paper and asked me to draw you what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Or, you know, from now on.

Durrrr

So yes there's a lot on my mind and there already was but now there's more and so it shouldn't be surprising that I got lost on my way to the physio the other day.

My knee got a little funky a couple of weeks ago. I was pretty sure it had something to do with the transition from shoes to sandals when the hot weather came, but wanted to check in with a physiotherapist to see about exercises and whatnot.

I haven't been to this place in a while, but know where it is, and let's say for today's lesson that it's on Jones Street.

So I got held a little late at work and didn't have the usual amount of extra time to walk from my place as I normally would have so I drove. And I drove to Jones Street and parked. I was bummed to see the city had turned the area into pay parking, but whatever, I plugged the meter thing and turned around to head into the building.

Except it kind of wasn't there.

I mean, there was a building there, but it wasn't the one it should have been.

So I walked down a few buildings and then back up a few buildings just to make sure I wasn't, you know, missing something obvious and then I realized I wasn't where I should be and didn't know where I needed to go. Up? Down? I knew I was on the right street, just not at the correct block.

And thank goodness for smart phones and the fact that even when I'm running "late" I'm still not late in real time, because I was a block down from where I should have been and I managed to get myself there in time, only feeling slightly silly for driving to the wrong block of the right street.

That is, until I got to the place and realized what it was called.

"Jones and Fifth Physiotherapy"

As in... the name of the two streets it sits on the corner of.

D'oh.

Got Proactive. Now Freaking Out.

I talked with (to?) a lot of people in the last week or two about how awful I was feeling about everything and how I felt lost and confused and like I didn't know what to do.

And everyone I talked to, my parents, my brother, my friends, my friends I wish were closer friends, all did a great job of listening and empa/sympathizing.

And while it didn't fix anything to talk about it all, it did help. It helped to say whatever it was, and just get it off my chest, even if just for a few minutes.

But even so, my last few weekends have still involved a whole lot of crying (who knew Glee could make me cry so much?) and a whole lot of still feeling really rough.

One of the themes that came out of the talking I did was how I was so sad I'd put my life on hold in some ways while waiting for a partner.

Buy a house? Wait until I have a husband and therefore a second income.

Go do adventurous things? Wait until I have a boyfriend and therefore someone to come with me.

Go do something I've always wanted to do? Um, like what? I don't know anymore what that passion might be. I bet if I had a husband, he'd help me find my passions again.

And that made me sad. To think that I've been waiting for something, someone else to come along so I could live *more*.

And so I started thinking about that and how, while I wasn't really ready to say I never wanted someone in my life (of course I do), I can at least admit that it might not happen and so I should stop putting my life on hold for it.

And do you know something I know I've always wanted in my life? Always, since I was a little girl?

A dog.

It's one thing I want to have in my life at some point, and, well, why not start thinking about that as a goal, as something to work towards.

I can't have a dog where I live. No pets at all. And I'd always told myself that the next time I moved, it would be into a place where I could get a dog.

But I also told myself that I wouldn't move until I could buy.

And that I wouldn't buy until I had a husband to help with the costs, and do you see where I'm going with this?

I met with a realtor last week.

And talked with the bank, and am meeting with a mortgage broker this week.

I'm looking into buying a place that will allow me to own a dog.

And being proactive? Taking the step to move forward with my life? Made me feel a lot better.

Not perfect, not over everything, not fixed, just... better.

But the whole thing is scary. Read: Freaky.

I'm not someone who enjoys looking at listings. I HATED looking for apartments when I moved here. I mean, look at me. I hate looking at places so much, I moved right back into my old apartment instead of looking for a new one. My life was in storage, it would have been a perfect time to look around and find a new place.

But no. It's not something I like doing in the slightest.

But I've got a ballpark idea of the price I could aim for and I've spent a bit of time on the mls listings.

And I'm freaking out.

It's just so overwhelming and I don't want to do it because my head starts hurting within minutes and how can anyone find this fun are they crazy?

(It's funny, the friends that I've told are so excited for me. I'm really really not. "THIS IS SO EXCITING" they shout, clapping their hands and jumping up and down. Um, no?)

But, we'll see. I survived the process of buying a new car, I can learn to survive this process too.

It'll be an experience, that's for sure.

So yeah, I'm freaking out and trying not to freak out, because really I don't have to do this, but, yeah. It's a different kind of stress than the stress that has me crying at everything and feeling broken, but maybe a while from now, both stresses will be less. Or gone.

That'd be nice.

Sunrise - Five Something, Sunset - Nine Something

Ahhhhhhhhh.....

This length of day light time is perfect, just perfect.

It's light out before I wake up, which makes waking up SO much easier, and much nicer.

It's light all day (even on the cloudy/rainy days it's still light/bright).

It's light when I get home from work.

It's light when I get home from doing something after work.

And, sometimes, it's even still light in the sky a little when I go to bed.

I love it, it's perfect.

I know we're heading towards the time when things start to head towards shorter days, so I'm going to keep enjoying these long days while they're here.

They're perfect

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

One of the cute things my brain does when I'm worried is give me dreams where someone is trying to steal my teddy bear.

Seriously.

When I'm really worried or stressed, I have dreams where someone sneaks into my room during the night to try to steal away my teddy bear and I often sort of half wake up in the middle of these dreams and grab my teddy bear to make sure he's still there.

I guess I was really stressed this weekend, because the dream went one step further.

Not only was someone trying to steal my teddy bear, they snuck in, stole him and managed to exchange him for a copy, a fake.

And I was so upset about a fake teddy being implanted that I woke up in the middle of the morning, heart racing, in a panic, reached over, turned on the light and inspected Teddy to make sure he was the right one.

And even doing that, barely awake, lights on, rubbing his tummy and staring at him, I was still only half sure he was the right one, but I managed to calm myself down enough to go back to sleep.

In some ways it's cute, but in some ways it worried me a little that my brain did something while I was asleep that woke me up. But I guess we have to get rid of our worries, stress and anxiety somehow, and as nightmares go, one that I can wake up and reassure myself about by hugging my teddy bear is probably better than many.

Awwww Man!

So there I am, innocently asleep, and feeling just a little bit chilly.

So I do what any chilly, sleepy person would do and I reach and pull up my sheet so it's covering me right up under my chin when RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!

The darn thing rips.

And because it's the middle of the night/morning, all I can do is think "well, that's too bad" and go back to sleep.

But you guys, I'm SO sheet picky! Like, my sheets have to be so so soft or else I can't handle it! And now I have to go sheet shopping again and I haven't found good sheets in so long and why'd these have to rip?

Or maybe I just turned a little Hulk strong in the night and didn't know it.

Could be, you never know!

Not Sure

This may sound weird, but I think I've maybe developed an allergy to.... of all things, alcohol.

Now, I'm not quite willing to say for sure, but I'm getting more and more convinced.

I'm not really a drinker anymore, but every once in a while I don't mind heading out for a couple of drinks after work, or the odd girl's night out.

But the last three or four times I've had a drink or two, I've woken up the next morning feeling sick.

Like, not hungover nauseated sick, but like, I have a cold/flu all stuffed up and sore throat and miserable and tired kind of sick.

First time it happened I thought I was just getting a cold. The second time it happened I figured I was run down, but by the third time I started to wonder.

It's not that I *need* to drink, but I do like having the option of being in a social situation and enjoying a drink.

I've been sticking to cosmos lately, so maybe before I give up entirely, I'll try like a gin and tonic, or something without any added flavours or sugary things.

But I think I might just end up not drinking at all anymore and that's a little bit of a bummer.

But not really.

But kind of.

Know what I mean?

Change of Tack

Back in February, I started taking a few minutes at the end of the day to write down what went well.

I liked doing it and even now, when I've had a bad day but don't feel like harping about it in my diary, I take a breath and think about what went well for the day. And it helps. The day may still have been crappy and tough, but I like acknowledging the good moments in there too.

So I woke up this morning and realized I could do that here for a second; talk about what went well in the last week or so.

So, in no particular order...here are some things that have gone well this past week.

- my co-worker friend and I went shopping and she helped me get some really nice new tops. After she had to go, I stayed and found a pair of pants that should work for the warmer weather.

- we had a "staff appreciation lunch" at work last week and someone made this ice cream cake concoction that was to die for. So simple but so so good. It was delicious.

- at the same lunch, I had the most perfect strawberry ever. I love it when that happens.

- I've lost five pounds since I started using that calorie tracker app

- I had a laugh until you can't breathe, tears coming out of your eyes moment the other day

- we had delicious chocolate birthday cake this weekend for my Dad's birthday. This time last year we didn't know if there would ever be another birthday. He's doing really really well. This is awesome.

- the trees and plants and flowers are all awesomely colourful and happily in bloom and some people's yards look so amazingly fantastic right now.

So there you go.

Sigh

I feel like everything I have to say right now is complainy, and I'm sorry about that.

I know it's way more fun to read when things are more ooh cute guy and fluffy happy silly things, but I'm struggling and I can't openly talk about the why's of that here, which means I can't really just lay things out.

So instead, I'm kind of stuck talking around what's going on and how I feel about it and that ends up being bluegrey complaining sort of blah blah blah yuck.

But there's not much else going on for me and I'm trying not to be too consumed by the rain cloud thats hovering over me, but it's hard.

And honestly, often by the time I sit down to write, I've kind of used up my energy and good humour for the day/week/hour and so, yeah. Sorry.

From the few of your blogs I've read, a few of you seem to also be in a slump or not so great a space right now and maybe there's some kind of planetary alignment or bad juju riding around the Universe right now or something. Would we feel better if there was?

Maybe.

So I'm sorry things aren't much fun 'round here right now, I wish I could guarantee they would lighten/cheer up soon. Until then, thanks for your support and good vibes and such. They help.

And Happy Wednesday. That means two more work days til the weekend, right?

Oh Boy

OK, so, that long weekend wasn't quite what I'd hoped, but that's ok.

I got some rest, sure, but there were also a few things I chose to do that ran me into a brick wall of exhaustion. It was weird, I'd be there in the middle of whatever it was and suddenly I was done. Like, done, done, need to go home now done.

But, the upside of even a tiring, non-restful long weekend is that there's a four day week now, and I'm already one day closer to Friday.

Weather's changed too, for what it's worth, and knock on wood, it's not chilly cold again, but the sun's disappeared and we're getting our rainfall in.

I'm not entirely sure how to get myself through and out of whatever it is I'm going through right now, and I'm not entirely sure how to best take care of myself right now, but I'll just keep on keeping on and will keep on being hopeful that this tunnel will end soon enough.

So, yeah. Long weekend was had, but I somehow came out of it not much more rested than I went into it.

But, hey, at least Monday's done, right?

To My Fellow British Colombians

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy long weekend.

I hope this Victoria Day is coming at as perfect a time for you as it is for me and that you enjoy whatever fun/relaxing/entertaining plans you have.

I can not begin to tell you just how much I am looking forward to doing nothing for three days. Absolutely nothing.

Unless I want to.

See you on the flip side!

Realist

This isn't a sad thing at all, but I think I'm getting better and knowing when a guy's not interested in me.

Like, when Steve and our friends and I were sitting around after dinner chatting and he said he had to get going, I knew right away he wasn't interested.

And then yesterday, at work, there was a visiting spy at lunch, and we made polite conversation and then he too, got up and left and I knew he wasn't interested.

It's a combination of instinct and having a memory of what it was like when a guy was interested. How they'd want to keep talking, or would make an excuse to linger. And how they'd always ask for my number, or I'd find out the next day that they'd asked a friend for it.

I guess with Steve I was mentally trying to give him the benefit of the doubt when really, gut-wise, I knew he wasn't going to follow up and I should have just shrugged it off that night instead of continuing to hope what I already know what hopeless.

Like, I totally knew he wasn't that into me.

Same with the guy yesterday. My co-workers were all excited, asking me if I was going to ask for his number or something and I just kind of smiled at them, knowing he wasn't interested. (And then did some cyber sleuthing and discovered pictures of him and his girlfriend/possibly wife. Which, yes, I was right again of course.)

I think that's part of what's thrown me off in on-line dating. Because it's not a natural situation and I don't get to see or feel out the cues I usually get.

Or maybe I've always kind of known, and have just recently started to trust that knowing more. (Cuz it's way more interesting to ignore the knowing and cross your fingers and hope for something and then get crushed in the end. Except the getting crushed part hurts. Ouchily.)