Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

I was thinking that I should have just given up on sleeping the other nights and taken my computer out and written posts.

Because I was in bed, awake, but trying to sleep, and talking to myself in my head and sort of thought, well, I'll turn these into posts tomorrow.  And then I'd wake up and not particularly remember what all I said.

So, if you would like to just pop on into my head and retrieve those memories for me?

Yeah, that'd be nifty!  Go on... in you go!

Sorry, you might need some eyeball bleach after jumping into my head.  Maybe just on second thoughts... stay away.  I'll just try to pop back in there myself kay?

Updated to add:  Holy smokes you guys.  I'm not in at work today, and the panic is all but overwhelming.  I've been doing breathing relaxation exercises non stop for the last fifteen minutes and when I stop, it all comes rushing back.  But, get this.  Some pretty funny irony.  I was checking out the news and our local paper (online) said that the horoscope was free due to some issue.  So here's my horoscope for today... "There is nothing to fear but fear itself. With the Sun moving into one of the more sensitive areas of your chart you may need to repeat that mantra at regular intervals. Whatever else you do, try not to worry so much." HA! 

Oh dear.  

(I wish it were that easy.  Just not worry!  But I'll still try.)

Right The Bleep Out

You guys, this week is a whole lot of me trying to not just freak the bleep out.

Sort of containing the absolute panic that I feel.

I read somewhere that a good way to try to combat worry (anxiety) is instead of the typical "I'm going to think of all the things that may possibly go wrong" that I usually do, I should try to think of all the best possible ways things could go.

So I've been trying to do that.

I'll go to Burning Man and will have no stomach problems at all.  My stomach will be so super happy and fine and normal.

And I'll be comfortable and sleep well.

And I'll really enjoy myself.

And I'll meet a very cool person.  Or, I'll spend the week happily wandering around with Jay in a ball of bliss and happiness.

And it's all going to be awesome and great and wonderful and so good!  GOOD!

And for a while there, like last week, those thoughts were working.  Until I realized that Jay mentioned that he's traveling down with his friend Sara.  And I realized that this made me feel... ill.  And so I talked it over with him and no, they're not together and not planning on getting together but just the thought of it, coupled with the thought that I'd much rather the two of us were traveling down together and plus he always told me he would either fly down or go by himself and now all of a sudden he's going with ... a girl and all these thoughts just started slamming me and the anxiety has been hard to keep at bay since then.

Not that I know what will happen down there, I know that.  But I have to tell myself that certain things will be a certain way or else I'll panic, completely and not go.

So if telling myself the happy story of Jay and I being in love and together while we're down there is what it takes to make it ok for me to leave my apartment and do this?  Then that's what I'm going to try to imagine.

I don't care if it's not healthy or not what's going to happen, I need to feel ok.  I need to not be freaking out so badly I'm incapacitated.

And I feel pretty close to that bad right now.  And it's not fun.

Two weeks today I should be back home.  And I'm not leaving for a couple more days so I should just keep distracting myself and pretending that LALALALA NOTHING IS HAPPENING and oh lord, please let it all be better than ok.  Please let me be safe and comfortable and not sick and not sick and not sick.

I've held this panic at bay for months and now that it's so close I can hardly ignore it any more?  I'm right on the edge of freaking right out.

I Know Better

I know I can't nap.

Well, I mean I *can* nap, and very well too.  But it messes up my real sleeps, so napping is not a great plan.

Except when I was run down at the start of the summer, before I got the stomach bug, I could nap and then still sleep that night so I was like, oh, I must be run down.

Or something.

This weekend, I had a most delicious nap.  It was heavenly.

And then I couldn't fall asleep that night.

It was un-heavenly.

So I got myself up at the regular time and then thought, well, gee, it's another weekend day, I should just close my eyes here for a minute, no?

NO!

But I did.  And sure enough, was up until 2 or 3 that night.

Sigh.

It's this whole "I know better, but in the moment don't care" thing.  Like, I know I will lie in bed that night frustrated and trying but unable to sleep and yet when I'm there on my couch, comfy and drowsy, it's like "oh well, I'll deal with that if it happens, when it happens."

And then I'm cursing myself at one something in the morning.

Oh napping.  Why are you such a deliciously evil thing?

I Laughed. And Then I Hit Replay.

Put your finger on the screen - Best Vines

Just A Little Vent

I'm sorry, but I do not like beards.

And I do not like cologne.

And I really really do not like smelling said cologne on me HOURS and a shower after I gave someone a hug.

Stop it stop it stop it!!!!!!!

'Mendations

Ooooooohkay, since I've been knitting up a frenzy while watching tv shows the past month or so (I'm thinking I may give them to people at Burning Man as it's a core value to gift, so I've been trying to make lots) I thought I'd tell you some of the shows and books I've enjoyed, that were new to me, since I'm always asking you for recommendations!

In no particular order...

Best book in a while:  Kings of Cool (prequel to Savages) by (gotta look it up) Don Winslow was fantastic.  (So was Savages.)

TV that was new to me and that I enjoyed:
House of Cards (y'all were right!)
Damages
Orange is the New Black
The Americans





Oh, and some songs that came out of somewhere or other to really work for me this summer:

The Lightning Strike (What if this Storm Ends) - Snow Patrol
What I Wouldn't Do - Serena Ryder
I Love It - Icona Pop
Old Skin - Ólafur Arnalds & Arnor Dan
To Love Somebody - Roberta Flack.

And some song I heard this morning that was ... Of Monsters and Men that I have to go find now that I've just remembered it.

D'oh.  I've just realized this is the kind of post I should have kept for when I get back from B.M.  Random and neutral and not really to do with anything.

Oh well, next time!

Thoughts And Thinkings

Went for another walk-date with the guy.  It was fine.

I think we're both starting to relax a little, or certainly I was.

Although, I did notice I had my arms crossed for the first ten minutes of the walk.  Guess I wasn't all that comfortable, really.

Which, no, I wasn't.  But I also wasn't terribly bothered.  Right now I could take or leave it, but I'm not willing to write him off completely.  Another friend would be fine, if that's all it ends up being.

I think about my buddies, my single guy friends that I hang out with from time to time.  I have no attraction to one, and while the other is super cute, he's also not into girls, so with both of them I don't worry about "are we going to date?" we just hang out.

I still get a sort of nervous energy from this guy, and when I mentioned it to my friend he said that maybe that's why this guy hasn't had a whole lot of luck with the online dating thing.  Like, if other people have gotten that sort of a read from him too, they may just write him off right away.

Which got me thinking about the other first or so dates I've been on where we never met again.  There was one fellow who just overwhelmed me with his PERSONALITY and I felt bad that I just wasn't up for seeing him again.  Plus, he brought chocolate.

I still wonder about the guy who liked race cars, because we went on a couple of walk and talk dates and then I just never heard from him again.  Maybe I've been giving off a really nervous, uncomfortable energy too.  I think I probably really did.  And maybe still do, I don't know.

I can't say enough how un-natural I find this way of meeting people and how much I wish I could go back to the early days of University where it seemed there was always a party to go to and almost everyone was single.  Couples were the exception.  And now, when/if there is a party, it's the singles that are the exception.  And the couples all need to get home to pay the babysitter.

But I'm just more relaxed in those group situations.  And I think that's how it would be best for someone to meet me and get to know me.  When I'm relaxed and in my element.  My zone.

A few people have said "oh, maybe you'll meet someone at Burning Man!"  and yes, maybe I will.  But have we not learned the lesson that long distance relationships are not my favourite?  And is it likely that I would meet someone down there from Victoria, or is it more likely that I'd meet someone from somewhere further afield.  Montana.  Sweden.  New Hampshire.

I don't know.  I'm not giving up.  On this guy, or on meeting someone.  I'm just... nonplussed.

Broke Me Open

Aaron Turner/Kathryn McCormick - Kissing You - SYTYCD 

I watched this this evening and then I cried and cried and cried.  Jay was supposed to be this person for me.  Had so much potential to be.  I believed he would be.

But he wasn't.  And I don't know that I'm ready to stop hoping he'll prove me wrong.

It hurts how much I loved him and didn't let myself be loved by him because I knew he'd leave.  Knew he was leaving.

And it hurts because when I'm with him I feel safe.  Until he leaves.

This is how he should have been.

Someone needs to be.

And I Will Call Him George

One of the things I've been sort of half mulling over as Burning Man approaches is what to do about this here blog place while I'm gone. 

It's been a while since I've been away on a holiday, and this is the first time away in a while where I will not even be taking my computer with me.

I'm not expecting to have cell service while there.  Not sure I'll even try to see if I do until we're on the road home again.  I got a one month's "US package" that will allow me to send a few texts, check my email and make a call if I have to.  It was only $40, which is better than some of the charges I've heard of people accidentally wracking up.

But, anyway.  I've thought about having posts just set to publish while I'm away, and maybe I'll do that.  But I've also thought that I may not have the time or energy to post immediately after I get back so maybe I should have some waiting for when I get back.  But then I don't know if I have enough thoughts to just come up with random stuff for a few weeks' worth of posts.

I'll be gone nearly two weeks, and then I imagine getting back to work will brutally jarring and busy.  So I could either just go dead for a few weeks or something in between.

I'm thinking I'll see what kind of writing I can do in the next week or two before I leave and that my priority is to have posts waiting for when I get back so that I can allow myself to veg, or nap, or whatever I may need to do to feel normal again once I'm home and back in the swing of things.

I shall see.  It's kind of like having a pet.  I'm trying to figure out how to care for it while I'm gone.

And I Didn't Want To Tell You

Jay was in town for a few hours yesterday.

He and two co-workers had to come in for a meeting, and he had a bit of time before they left and he asked if I wanted to come meet him downtown.

I was really nervous.  Mainly because he was with his co-workers and, as we all know, I'm not comfortable meeting people I don't know (even if I'm good at it, I still don't like doing it.)  But he gave me a big hug when I met them all and that was nice.

His co-workers wanted to see the town and very politely told us we should go do our own thing, and so we spent some time together before he had to head out.

We get along so well, and it's so nice to be with him.

I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore.  I think I still love him?  (But I'm not entirely sure I would bet my life on it either way.)  But I sure do miss being with him.

Time will do what it will do, and I'm happy with how I'm handling things, day by day, moment by moment. 

But here's the other part of it.  While I'm happy to have your support, I would rather not have your judgement.  I judge myself harshly enough, and I don't want to feel like this space is anything other than a safe space for me to vent and babble and talk myself through the big and small things in my life.  The "talking" that I do here... the writing, it helps me.  It helps me sort through my thoughts and make choices and decisions from there.  If someone can feel connected to or take comfort in something I write, great.  But it's more for me that I write, and I don't want to lose that.  I shouldn't cringe before hitting "publish" on a post, or worry about it at all, really.  That's what I've always valued about this place.  It's what I need.

Different

It's an interesting experience to be going through this "dating" thing again...

This guy, in particular, will go for days not contacting me, and I'm ok with that.  Like, the day after our first date he texted me and we decided to do something the next week.  And I don't think I heard from him until that day, or maybe the day before.

And it doesn't bother me.  I don't take it personally, I just figure he's busy and we're just still checking each other out.  I'm not a priority in his life, which either means he's not that into me (either? yet?) or he just doesn't have a lot of free time.

Or whatever.

It's different for me to not be DYING to talk to/spend time with/hear from a guy, and it's not that I necessarily like the feeling, but it is easier.  Less stress to just sort of not particularly care that much.

There's a difference in opinions with people I talk to about this guy.  Some seem to think I should just see what happens, not over think it and that I'll know one way or another.  Some seem to think it's already done, that the fact that I'm not drooling over him means it's not a match.

I'm sort of somewhere in between.  Willing to see... still.

I keep thinking though that if we see each other once a week, which we might have if I hadn't gotten a cold, I'm not sure how I'd feel about him heading into Burning Man and I don't know how I'll feel about myself or anything after.  So I kind of feel like I'm in a weird spot anyway.

But, yeah, it's a different feeling being detached from it all a little bit.  And I can't help but wonder if it's a bit more normal.

(Not that there really is a "normal", eh?)

Mainly My Throat and Now Chest

I turned down a date with the new guy yesterday, but not for any other reason than I just didn't have the energy for it.  I'm still dealing with this cold I got from the second date drink I had with him.

No one here seems to believe my "I drink and then I get a cold" theory, but it just keeps happening.  And now I'm all ick.

C-Dawg was trying to encourage me to go out with him but I explained that if it had been anyone else, I still might not have gone, but with him everything's just too much effort right now.

And I guess it's good I didn't go because I woke up feeling even worse this morning.  Which, I somehow hope means the cold is working its way out of here.  Me.  Whatever.

In other news, I ordered an accupressure mat.  Seems like the most ridiculous of things.  Imagine a bed of nails.  Now just make the nails plastic instead of metal and you've got it.

I would never have gone with such a thing but a lady at work SWEARS by hers for sleep and I was in a "shopping will fix everything" mood and, well, the amazon delivery arrived this week.  So far?  I like it.  Even if it's just placebo, I don't care.  No, it's not terribly comfy, but I'm going to stick with the idea that it's good for me and my body likes it.

I'm also currently still pushing myself through The Eye of The World, which came so highly recommended and has been a painfully slow (and not particularly enjoyable) read for me.  Bummer.

Man!  I'm super whiny, eh?  Let's mix that up...

I've been doing a lot of knitting while watching some of the tv shows people have recommended to me.  And I like the scarves I've made.

I also did some sewing, and even though I'm not neat and tidy or anything, it's still really cool to go hey, see that velcro there?  I put that on!

What else.... um... my hair's getting longer?  (I'm growing it.)  The weather's still being gorgeous and lovely.  I still think purple is a great colour.  My teddy bear is still very cuddly.  Oh, and I got an instant camera to take with me to Burning Man.  Thought it might be nice to give people pictures of themselves.  Or something like that.

What's awesome for you of late?

All Done

Y'all, I think I'm really done drinking.

I've mentioned it here before, but over the last year or two, when I have a drink, I end up run down and sick the next day.  Not to mention blue.

And this week was no different.  I had a drink when I was out on the date and, as we all know, I was pretty weepy when I got home.

Was weepy the next day too, which is unusual.  (I'll often sleep off a weepy night.)  And by the next morning, when I woke up, I could barely swallow.

I haven't been around anyone with a cold or anything, but even if I had, I think alcohol just runs down my immune system and then stress or whatever just kicks me over into sick.

So combining the getting sick with the feeling blue, I really don't think an hour's worth of relaxation is worth it.

Not that I need a drink to have fun or anything, when I'm with my friends I'm silly enough just myself, but I just can't handle feeling like this for the next week.  So not worth it.

Oh well.

Sigh

Had the second date.

Survived it, which... yay.

I just don't know, you guys.  It just felt uncomfortable for me.

Not all of it, but overall.

I feel like he was uncomfortable but not in a way that most people would particularly notice.  And, certainly I was uncomfortable.  And, like, the conversation was fine, but when you're in a noisy, busy pub, it's hard to have a conversation and it's hard to hear and plus this is still a stranger and so it's not easy and relaxed.

When I got home, I was so sad.  I missed Jay so much.

It just felt so opposite from what it was always like with us.  Always just so easy, and comfortable and relaxed.

I cried.  Called some friends, but no one was home.  Ended up texting Jay to see if he was busy and he called and we talked.

I told him I'd just been on a date and it had made me miss him.

We talked about what's been going on in our lives, work and the like.  I told him again that I missed him, missed us.

He told me he missed Victoria.

I sort of joked it off, but told him that wasn't very nice.  He said he was "trying to toughen me up."

Seriously?

I'm still annoyed by that.

But, anyway.  I don't know.  I think this dating process is never going to be comfortable, easy, or fun for me and I don't want to blow off this guy because he's nice, but I don't know if it'll turn into anything on my end.

So I don't know if I just keep hanging out with him.  I can't handle the idea of another "date" like situation, but how else to you get to know someone?

All I know is that at the end of the second date, I just wanted to come home and have Jay lie down with me on the couch and hold me.

And I keep thinking about it.  I don't know that I miss him, exactly, but I sure as heck miss the relationship.  A lot.

I Am Not A Good Liar

I am not a good liar, which is surprising because I used to lie my 

way out of things I wasn't supposed to do when I was a teenager.  (Which is ironic, because my parents thought I was up to much worse than I actually was.)

But, yeah.  Not so good of a liar.  Case in point:

My friend and I went to this food truck fair thing they had downtown a couple of weekends ago, and we thought (for some reason) that it would be funny to give the guy fake names!

So when he took my order and asked my name, I said "Sarah!" all giggling inside, proud of myself for some odd reason.

And then the guy said "Oh, we already have a Sarah, I need another name."

And I panicked.

So I sort of stammered, and thinking I hadn't understood what he meant, the guy said "Just a last name.  You know, so we don't confuse the two Sarahs."

And do you think I could come up with anything other than my own last name?  Which I certainly couldn't give, because then I'd be found out (or something) and so there was an increasingly uncomfortable pause before I blurted out "ANDERSON!"  Which, uh, ok, thanks brain.

My friend found this hilarious, and came up with his own rather tame name... Ben... and then he mocked me for not coming up with a) a more exotic name and b) for taking forever to give the poor guy a last name.

Man oh man.

Or maybe I'm just not a good liar when it's sort of working against someone else rather than protecting myself?  Because I can certainly tell someone I like their new haircut even when I secretly don't.

Somewhere Between A Sigh And A Pout

I don't want to go on a date.

Yes, I went through and survived the process of meeting this guy, but now he'd like to go on a date, well, not that he said those words, but we have plans to do something and I don't want to go on a date.

I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!

I don't want to have to get ready and try to look nice.  And by nice, I just mean nicer than I'd look if I were sitting on my couch relaxing in my pjs with no makeup on.  And I don't want to have to make small talk, or large talk, or just sit there with someone I don't know and get to know them.  I don't want to do any of that.

I didn't with Jay.  Jay and I got to know each other via emails, and then chatting, and then video calls and by the time we met, we didn't need to date, we already knew all that about each other and already liked the person and already loved the person.  We were just completing the last phase of it all, the actually being in the same place at the same time.

So all the things I don't want to deal with in this "date" situation, with Jay, were under my control.  If I was nervous or confused, I just put the email aside for a while before answering it.  And, maybe more to the point, I told him.  And I suppose that's key.  Maybe it's important that I'm honest with this guy too, because isn't that one of the things I most valued with Jay?

But, still.  I don't know why I feel so horrified at the idea of having to go sit in a pub, chatting over a drink.  Really that should be a nice experience, no?  Or at least neutral?

But it's not someone I know, and I'm not comfortable with people I don't know.  So it's not a comfortable experience.

And I don't want to do it.

But, what's the alternative, I ask myself.  What would I rather do, rather than a "let's go grab a drink."

Honestly?  I think I'd rather sit in my living room over a cup of tea.  Or sit on logs on the beach throwing stones at the water.

I don't know. 

I'm trying to think back to other relationships, or starts of relationships and I'm sure I've done this before.

I seem to remember meeting DD at a restaurant for our first date.  Awful, because I couldn't find the place, and cell phones weren't that common so I had no idea if I'd ever find him or if I would stand him up, or be stood up for that matter.

And I waited outside for him and it was raining and a droplet landed on my nose right as he arrived, so it looked like I was wiping my nose. 

(Which I guess I was, but, you know, just from water.)

I think with Smith, our first date was just driving around town.  He picked me up in his rental car, we maybe got coffee (tea) somewhere?  Or not.  And then we drove down to the water and sat and talked.

I don't remember where Vince and I had our first date, just where we were supposed to have our first date, because I thought he meant one place and he'd actually meant the other so we both thought we got stood up by the other person.  He then tracked down my friend and called me that night.  And I don't remember what we did on our actual first date.  Except at some point it involved a car.  And parking near the water.  At least, I think that was the first date.

I think I'm more comfortable when there's not other people around, then I don't imagine them judging us.  And are they?  Maybe.  Probably not.  I probably only think they are because I love to watch people.  And I make up stories about them.  Try to figure out what's happening.  And when I see people who appear to be on a first date, I cringe for them.

And there's also the potential for awkwardness about paying for the drink, or whatnot.  I rarely carry cash anymore, which means, what, we both pull out our cards?

I think last time I went on a date sort of thing, I just let him pay and I said thank you, but I felt totally awkward about it the whole time.  We all know I over think, this should not be surprising news that I'm having all these thoughts.

So, yeah.  I don't want to do this. 

But ranting about it has actually helped so...

Yeah.

Deep breath.

Oh Yay!

Today, here in BC, we're having (another) one of those holidays

that I forgot about until it was here!

Which is awesome, because don't we all love three day weekends?  Yes.  Yes we do.

It was another nice weekend, and I'm happy to have today to relax and do a whole lot of nothing.

I do notice the days starting to be a little bit shorter.  Less light in the mornings, a little earlier when it gets dark in the evenings, and that makes me a little sad.  I do love me my long days, and the bright seasons, but I won't start thinking too far ahead of myself and will just continue enjoying what's here now.

And that's a lovely day off.

Happy BC Day!

OOOOOOOOOH KAY

Alrighty then.  So I messaged a guy, he messaged back.

Blah blah blah a few messages exchanged back and forth, he seems cool and seems to have a sense of humour and he asks if I'd like to meet or am more comfortable messaging a bit longer.

I tell him I'm still sort of in message mode, but I give him an email address.   (It's easier than having to log in and use the site's message system.)

We chat a few more times and then he gives me his cell.  This reminds me of last summer with Chad.  (Well, apparently it wasn't last summer.  Apparently it was two summers ago?  Really?) And that's somehow reassuring because I know I'm a different person than I was, more solid, happier, more sure of who I am than I was with him and when things didn't work with us I got over it, clearly.  And while Chad was super hot, if things had worked with him, I'd have never been with Jay etc. etc.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  So we text for a few days, nothing major (and now I suddenly remember doing this with Jay too before he got sent overseas) and then he asks if I'm ready to meet yet?

I say sure.  I figure why not?

That whole idea that if I never do the things I don't like doing, I'll never do them, or I'll never feel less horrified about doing them.  You know, kind of a systematic desensitization.  If I'm tired of being stuck in my box of fear/anxiety/whatever, I just have to start making my way out of it, and all that.

So we set a day to meet for a stroll and coffee, Jay being the only guy I've met online that didn't have this kind of initial meeting.

And the initial meeting is weird.  It's a blind date, let's not pretend otherwise.  And you know you're going to be judged, and in the same breath you're sort of going to be judging them too.

But it's hard to remember that, at least for me, because of course we all want to be liked and so I have to try to not think too hard about will he think I'm attractive, or will he find me interesting or will we be uncomfortable around each other.  And on top of all that I have to not think too hard about what all this might mean.  What if we do like each other?  What if we start to date?  What if it turns into something?  What if it doesn't? 

And the thoughts just spin through my head and that makes me feel nervous.  Or I already feel nervous and the thoughts just make it worse, it's hard to know.

So I do what I can on the morning of to not think about it.  Watch some tv, flit around the internet.  Do my makeup a couple of hours before so I'm not rushed.  And then all of a sudden I realize I'm leaving in half an hour and I should get dressed and ready and I sort of don't care, like it's not as if I feel like I NEED to be in a relationship, but I also am nervous that this stranger won't like me, because that's not a nice feeling and I'd rather avoid it.

I head out to meet him and honestly, all I'm thinking is I don't want to do this.  I really really don't want to do this.  And in that moment I understand why maybe some people get stood up.  It maybe has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person freaking the heck out and not wanting to go through with it all.

But I go, and I'm pretty sure I'll know what he looks like, but really you never quite do, and so I grab a tea and wait outside for him, sort of trying to not look like I'm looking at people while still looking at people and eventually he gets there and we sort of nod at each other and say hi and shake hands.

He goes inside to grab a coffee and we decide to head down to the beach.

I feel like he's nervous too, and that we're both sort of this kind of not comfortable nervous energy sort of thing and I think, well, hey, I guess it's just natural. 

My brain doesn't work for the first little while.  (I may have, well, ok, I did take an Ativan that I dug out of the back of my closet, from a gazillion years ago a few hours before.)  He asks me seemingly simple questions "what did you do this morning?"  And I swear I come up with "uh... uh... I.. did... stuff."  And I'm cursing the damn Ativan, but I also might not have made it out of the house without it so double edged sword, really.  And hopefully not something I have to do if I have another first meet and greet.

But I guess the caffeine kicked in, or maybe I just relaxed, but we chat and walk and sit on a log for a while and walk back and I keep thinking that it's sort of hard to really know what he looks like. 

I mean, he was cute in his pictures, but he's somehow more solid in person.  (Maybe compared to Jay, who was thin... compact, but not small.)  But you can't see someone's face when you're walking or sitting beside them, and we both have sunglasses on and so it's hard to know if I feel any attraction, but that's not really the point of a first meeting I don't think.

I think this kind of breaking the ice is more to just get a read on the person, and I've certainly, unfortunately, had some first meetings where I just didn't feel I'd gel well with the person or vise versa but I guess we got along well.

When we headed our separate ways he said I was funny, that he'd enjoyed this and we should do it again.  I said, sure, but that if he didn't want to, he should just feel free to say so.  (It's one of the things we'd talked about, how sometimes people from online dating just... disappear and don't flat out tell you they don't want a repeat.)

I didn't hold my breath, wasn't going to be upset if we didn't go out again.  It had been fine, I was relieved to survive, my friends were proud of me for going, all good.

He texted me the next day, said the same again.  That he'd enjoyed himself and would like to do it again.

I said sure, and so we're going to hang out again.  (Yes, we've set a day, don't worry.)

There's a mild feeling of panic when I think about actually, legitimately dating someone because I don't have those skills.  Dating is not something I've done.  Well, I mean sure maybe a bit, but not the whole way I have it in my head.  I haven't done the thing where you meet a guy at a pub for a drink.  And then a few days or a week later you meet him somewhere else for another activity.  And then you do it again somewhere else.  And somewhere in there you hold hands, or kiss.

Maybe I'm selling myself short.  I mean Chad and I must have "dated', no?  And DD and I?  The guys who didn't come from out of town to visit.  Sure, Jay and I didn't, but nothing was normal with Jay and I.  So maybe I just don't like the label of dating.  Maybe I just like the idea of casually hanging out with someone until you see if you like each other enough to want to hold hands, or kiss, or whatever, or if there's not a spark... or what.

So I'm kind of not looking forward to a "date", so I'll just have to figure out a way to not "date" this guy, to see if I like him.

And there's a mental mind shift I like, eh?  To see if I like him.  Not to "hopefully find out that he likes me."

I'll keep you posted.

I'll Tell You How It Went Tomorrow. This Is Just The Pre-Ramble. And No, It's Not What I Forgot I Wanted To Tell You.

I don't know how to tell you so I'll just tell you... I went on a date.

Well, not a date, exactly, but a first meeting of someone.

From the dating website.

Yeah.  I don't know how I feel about it all exactly.  Somewhere in between "odd" and "it's time."

When I realized things with Jay and I weren't going to work out, I fired up the website and it made me feel sick to my stomach.  I remember when things ended and I was such a mess, saying to my friend who came over to help me breathe (literally) that I couldn't be single again, I couldn't do it.

I'm not sure I remember anymore what it was I felt I couldn't do, if it was the being without someone or if was the looking for and getting to know someone all over again part, but I know once I felt more peaceful about Jay and I being over, it was more the idea of having to start from scratch that felt... exhausting.

I think I signed on a few times, here or there, and just kind of scrolled through, never really looking too seriously at anyone.  My profile's still hidden, my photo taken down.  I did that once Jay and I decided we were just going to commit to getting to know each other and started our coupleness.

I guess it was a couple of weeks ago, no more than three, when I saw a profile that I liked, and decided, what the heck, I may as well say hi to this guy.

I felt somewhat conflicted doing so.  Maybe a little queasy.  I don't know if it's because I really don't like the idea of trying to get to know a new person again or if it's because that's sort of a more permanent step away from Jay than I'd made since we reconnected a little.

Not that there's been much communication.  And that made it easier.  I know, without a doubt, that Jay and I won't work while he lives elsewhere, and there's no point in me rehashing the why's with myself.  But I can't lie and say there's not a part of me that thinks that if Jay were ever to live here again, permanently, that we might just pick up where we left off.  And I also would be lying if I said that if Jay has to come into town for work again, we wouldn't hang out again, cuddle, maybe spend a night together, who knows?

So for me to contact someone, to put myself out there, really was a step away from just... waiting.  A step away from being frustrated by what is and what isn't.

That's not saying that I'm going to date anyone, or that I'll be in a relationship or anything, it just means I made a choice to make things different.  Less stagnant.

But man, it's not a stress-free process.  For me, at least.

As my friend (who's also dealing with an ex situation) said "at least one of us is moving forwards."

Yeah, I guess.

Boo

Last night as I was falling asleep, I remembered something I wanted to say here, but it was a big enough thing that I knew I'd remember it in the morning so I didn't write it down or anything.

Which, yeah.  You know what that means.  I woke up only remembering that there was something I wanted to say, not what it was I wanted to say.

Le sigh.

Rather than feeling like it's right on the tip of my tongue, I feel like it's stuck in my brain and if I could just tip my head and hit the side of it like you do when you're trying to get the water out of your ear that got stuck in there in the pool?  Yeah, if I could just do that, I'd remember.

That's what it feels like.

Boo.