So, Tell Me...

Do you have some kind of "frowned upon by ... people" thing that you like/enjoy/believe in despite  potential mockery or lack of support?

Like, are you a LARPer (but don't tell your friends because they'd tease you?)  Or do you follow your horoscope daily and avoid whatever it is they tell you to (even though people scoff at horoscopes.)  Or carry a lucky object or something?  Spin three times to the left when your favourite team is about to play?

Or maybe you really do like the wings at Hooters?  I don't know.... anything?

Hi

Don't feel like I have much to say at the moment.  Or much that I want to say, maybe.

I jotted down a couple of notes of things to talk about but they feel like I'd be whiny if I talked about them today, so I'm not going to.

I've had a few instances this last week or so where I stop and think about just how weird humans are.

I mean, really.  Pick a spot in a grocery store, for example, and ask yourself honestly, why we need so many different variations of the same thing.

And what it means that we have that.  And all that goes into the creation of all those varieties of thing.  Good and bad.

It's so weird.

Not to mention how we interact with each other.  And ourselves.

I mean, do you really think there's a dolphin out there berating himself for doing something "wrong"?  Or an ant wishing he was handsomer?

I don't know.  We're just weird.  In so many ways.

I can't even.

What's The Dealio?

Allergy sufferers, help me out here...

I'm wondering if I'm having seasonal allergies this year or just... something else.

Like, for example, the other day I was walking across a park field and it felt like I got sand in my eyes.  I had to close and rub them to get them... I don't know, damp?  And feel a little better.  And then it happened again later... felt like someone kicked dust into my eyes.  Do allergies do that?

I've been told that for many people it feels like a sinus infection or cold and I suppose I'm sniffly (not really enough to notice though) but the dust-in-eyes thing... is that... something?

Or just dry eyes...?

Yay!

I saved a bee!  (No, not that bee but isn't he cute?)

I did, I saved a bee!  And I'm pretty happy about it.

Friday evening, I noticed a bee sitting on my bug screen.  I figured he was tired (as they don't usually stay still in that way for that long) or maybe unwell but figured he'd be gone in the morning.

But he wasn't.  And I felt pretty guilty as I'd put out some sugar water mixed with a natural ant poison (because, yes, the ants are still vaguely around...sigh) and I was really upset that I might have attracted the bee with the sugar water and then potentially killed him with the poison.  (I maybe got a little weepy over this thought.)  I tapped the bug screen to see if he was alive as sometimes animals can get kind of stuck when they die (by animals, I mean flying bug type things I suppose... very very small animals!) and he moved a little so I knew he was still with me, if in not very good shape.

So I went and got some honey and watered it down a bit in a spoon and held it up to the screen.  I didn't want to tip the honey water all over him so I kind of did my best to get it near him and then poured it carefully so it dripped into the screen near him.  And I pushed it gently towards his proboscis (tongue thing) and I waited...

And before too long it was as if he could smell it and he moved himself a little and started to drink (eat, taste, ingest, I don't know!) 

I was going out for brunch that morning (and would have made myself late if he hadn't started to eat [I was planning on moving him carefully and leaving him a puddle of honey water if he didn't get to it himself, but didn't want to touch him if I didn't have to]) and left him hopefully recovering (I was still worried the poison would be too much for him, damn ants.)

And man oh man was I happy to get home and see him gone!  Flown away!  Hopefully fully recovered and maybe just tired in the first place.  (Maybe he didn't get into the bad stuff and had just landed there to rest)

So yeah.  I saved a bee, because they really really need it, and because I might have accidentally hurt this one, and because, well it's the right thing to do for our little bee buddies.

Fly on little friend, fly on and pollinate away!

Addiction-esque

So sugar again.

I was pretty much completely off if it for a while there and that was great, if difficult.  And then I relaxed somewhat and had a cookie here or a chocolate bar there and while it never really got all that bad, it didn't feel all that good either.

I had my "post ticket sale" Cadbury's creme egg (un-necessary as my attempt to bribe the universe by not eating them didn't work this year... oh well.)  and it was just as gross as I thought it would be. 

But I had some more.

Not as many as in previous years, somewhere around ten total... ish?  But even though I didn't enjoy them, I'm now craving them.

And chocolate.

And more.

As in, I've had to resist going to the store to buy more.  Lots.

And I keep telling myself that ... whatever.  I'll just go have some today but that THAT will be the last day, and then I'll go back on my sugar limitation thing.  But even when I say that I know that just extends things by another day because then it'll be well, hey, today wasn't fun, I need a pick me up, I'll just go get some more chocolate/eggs today and then I'll start on the sugar thing tomorrow.  And so on....

So I'm going through that not so fun stage again where I just.  want. sugar.  ALL OF IT.  And I don't care.

And eating in general is kind of sucky right now (maybe turning out that dairy hates me too.....even though I don't test out as lactose intolerant) and my body has a taste again of how nice a little sweet treat would taste, or maybe it's my mind that has that.... hard to tell.

So I'm going through the CRAVING IT ALL stage again right now and not loving it.

Frustration

I've been going through (and am hoping to be on the tail end of) a frustrating time with my art and photography.

I wonder if I should say "another" frustrating time as there's a part of me that remembers feeling like this before and thinks that maybe this happens before there's a push forward or period of growth or improvement.

But I've been feeling like I haven't put out anything good in a while.  Not artistically, or photographically, or even writing or poetry wise.  With the writing I just don't feel inspired, with the art I just feel like it's all ugly (maybe rushed?) and photographically, it's just not interesting or technically good enough.

With the writing, I'm just letting the poetry go until it wants to come back (inspiration) and I'm making myself keep writing here to ... keep writing.  With the art I'm also trying to let it go and not force anything (other than doing some art every day... because... I want to I guess?  And now that I've started it's a "thing"... but I think it's a good one?) And am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I'm also not sharing every thing I do.  Perhaps that's pride.  Or just realism.  I know what I like, and I know what I've made lately hasn't been ... strong.  And with the photography... well, I talked with Jason about maybe getting a new camera but he asked me some pointed questions about the camera I'm using, double checked it out himself and said, well, quite honestly, learn to use the tool you have before you go buying a new one.

So I'm re-re-re-learning the hows and whys and I think it's starting to make more sense again now (back on manual mode) and just means more thinking.

Which has been a theme with my art too... the need to slow down... not just rushtogetsomethingdonebecauseart.

Were I critiquing my art right now I would say it is immature.  Lacking maturity.  Which can also translate to rushed.  Not thought out.  Easily done when you're claiming "abstract".

With the writing and the art, and the photography to a certain extent, sometimes it's just not there ("there" being somewhere in my head) and I'm trying to teach myself not to get frustrated or critical and then to also see when there's good.

It's so weird though, being both a judge and a cheerleader of your own self.

Balance.... always always with the balance.  And the not black and white.

Same lessons, different story.  Or something, eh?

Just A Thought

When Jay texted the other day and my brain got all swirly with thoughts, I ended up thinking about Max.  (Honestly, I think about him off and on, but less and less I suppose...still, not at a neutral or happy place yet, if I ever will be...)

The thought that came into my head as one of those "oh, where did that come from?" brain thoughts was that Max and Jay are similar in their immaturity and (unrealistic) expectations and (overly) high self image.  But after that, my brain said, well, they were similar but it was like Max was the grown up Jay.

Which surprised me... that I'd seen or noticed similarities between the two.  But, yes, Max was more mature than Jay, even if it turns out that Jay has been a more decent "friend" in the long run. 

Which lead to my next thought that maybe the next person I date could be a grown up version of Jason.  Which is kind of an awesome thought. 

Even if it only makes sense to me.

(Not that I want to date.  But at least I can start to imagine that I might at some point in the future maybe.  Maybe.)

Lightening

It would seem normalish if at this point I started to praise daylight savings time and the recent time change, but you know what?  As much as I am enjoying the longer days, I still don't feel it's worth the pain of the time change shift.

Like last night, I was lying on my couch around 8:15 or so listening to the robins chirp away and seeing the twilight light still alive.  And my thought was that it would be just as nice for it to be 7:15, and we wouldn't have had to go through that jarring hour's shift.

So while my body seems to be more used to the new times, I still don't see that they're all that awesome.  Let's just go back to how things used to be, k?

K.

So Weird

During one of the gorgeous weather days we've had lately, I went down to the beach to soak up some rays and relax.  It was awesome.

At a certain point two young(ish?) kids came down near the water and started to play.  I watched them (pretty sure they were brother and sister) and listened to their conversation and started to realize how complicated we humans are.

For many reasons, I'm a people observer.  Partly schooling, training, personality, everything, I see people patterns and behaviour patterns that not everyone notices. Or, maybe, cares about.  But as I watched this brother and sister interact I could see their little personalities in formation.  I could see how they did things for attention, or to be noticed, or to get the other to laugh, or whatever the case may be and I sat there and I thought man... being a human is so very complicated.

And so very weird.

It almost became one of those things like when someone tells you you breathe without thinking about it but then you start to pay attention to your breathing and for a while it feels like you have to keep thinking about it or else you won't breathe or something like that.... Like... why is it so complex to interact with each other?  Why are we wired so .... complicatingly?

And yes, I make up words.  But usually only words that should really exist in the first place, yo!

Mixed

Jay showed up again the other day.  Textually speaking anyway.

I bring this up not to talk about him as much as to talk about the fact that it brought something up for me that I'm currently working on... and being reminded that it's a good thing to work on.

Boundaries.

And more specifically, being ok with saying no.

See, Jay asked if he could come visit and I said no.  (The conversation and request was a little more detailed than that but I don't feel like opening it up to possible comment grumblings so that's all I'll say.)

But then I felt really weird.

If I break it down simply and say I'm a recovering people pleaser, maybe that will make more sense?

Past habits, etc.... and now I have a hard time feeling like it's ok to say no either because I don't want to or I can't or it doesn't feel right or whatever.  Something in me tells me that it will make people not like me.  If I don't... help, or whatever.

I don't know, this is kind of all babbly.  But I'm starting to say no to things that feel big to me and each time I have so far it's felt weird.  But.... (looking around carefully) the sky hasn't fallen and I haven't been struck by lightning so so far it seems to be ok.

Will suck if it means people like me less or whatever, but.... I don't want to keep doing things just because.

Argh.  I'm not explaining correctly because I'm trying not to use real world examples that might hurt feelings.  And so the people pleasing strikes again.

But it's hard.  Hard to make sure I'm balanced because it feels like if I do what *I* want, I'm a horrible selfish and self centered person and will never be nice to another human again.

Which... no... but that black and white thinking is hard to change because it defines life in such a way that things feel safer.  Extremely difficult, but safe at the same time.

But moral of the story is, I said no.  And I hope to keep saying no in situations like this.


Edited to add:  Ha!  I just noticed today's date is the 4th of the 4th which if you multiply them together is 16 so it's a total math day!  4/4/16!  YAY BRAIN!  

No, I'm Not Kidding!

So I was writing this post in my head about how some words are way more fun to say the way they are spelled/written rather than how we do say/pronounce them, but I realized it would be kind of hard to type out how I fun pronounce them so I'm just going to leave you with my current favourite.

A few years ago, good friends of mine told me how they fun-mis-prounounce chihuahua.  So now, I love to refer to those little dogs as....

Chuh Hooah Hooahs!

(If that's how you'd type it)

I mean you can *see* it in the word, and it's super fun to say so why not?  Chihuahua for the win!

Happy April, y'all. Funny that this ended up being a first of April post, because I'm not joking, so, no, this is not an April Fool's day joke.  I( don't even really like those, they always seem to be a little mean to me!)

Random Update(s)

Realized this morning that it was time to update you on some seriously pressing issues.  I'm sure you've just been waiting there, popcorn bowl in your lap, waiting to know the latest info!!!!


Ok, no, but I'm telling you anway.

I haven't gotten a new toaster yet.  Instead, I randomly changed gluten free bread types and this different type is toasting much better.  Still a little more solid on the crusts but I can live with that.  So no new toaster yet and an avoidance of the bread that was having the major issues, yo.

And by the way, did you know there is a huge variation in toaster prices?  For example, you can get a twelve dollar one or you can get a one hundred and twelve dollar one!  And then some.

And people who've had a pricy toaster swear by them, and there is some very brand specific loyalty out there.  Which makes me feel like I've somehow been doing it wrong my whole life by going to the store, finding a cheap one and picking a reasonable colour.

But also, and perhaps more importantly to at least one of you, I haven't seen any banana peels at the "banana peel tree" in the last while.  Could be they're just getting tidied up faster than I go by the place seeing as it's Spring now and mowers/gardeners are around more, or it could be the banana eater moved.  Or got... caught?  But don't you fear, I will continue to check on the situation as I pass by that area.  So many unanswered questions, so little time.

Burning Man 2016

Burning Man is always an adventure.

And I don't just mean the two weeks I head out of town to travel down to it.  I mean the whole event of it.  The figuring out of it all.

This year's adventure began when Max ended things back in Fall.  It began then because that changed the plans we'd started to make to go together and camp together.

And it continued with my applying to volunteer with the set up crew.  (Will know one way or another in the next few months)  And with the people I know who might have gone all choosing not to go this year.

And then the thought of possibly buying a camper van type thing to take down with me since it looks like I'll be going solo this year.  (Still not quite sure what's happening there, but there may be some progress soon... I think I'll go ahead.)

And the latest part of the adventure occurred last week when I didn't get a ticket in the general ticket sale.

(Sad face)

Yes, the odds are low.  Yes, I've been lucky each year so far.  But... in my view there was a glitch in the way the sale was run vs the way they told us it would be run so I'm trying not to be extra sore about that.  There is always always going to be ticket drama now that it's such a popular event.  I'm just blue I wasn't on the luckier side of it this year.

I thought, going into the sale, that if I didn't manage to get a ticket, I'd just see it as a sign that it wasn't meant to happen this year.  And maybe it still isn't meant to happen this year, but once I'd stopped crying over the sale being sold out before I got my ticket (half an hour in to the random/lottery/but then not quite for some but hey no one's going to admit that part, ahem.) I realized that I still wanted to go.

So I'm still hoping to go.  I just don't currently have a ticket.  And I'd likely be going by myself.  And not sure where to camp.  But I feel like it will either work out or it won't.

And I will be proactive about trying to find what I need, but I won't push too too hard.  And it won't be the end of the world if I don't get to go this year.  Will be sad, but, it really is a first world problem.  I'm safe, healthy, housed, employed.  My life is good.  Maybe not going to an amazing art festival in the desert?  A bummer, maybe,  but not earth shattering.

Things have always worked out for me with regards to going and this year will work out just how it's meant to.  This time five or six months from now, I'll know how this year's Burning Man adventure played out.  Right now?  It's still in the middle of playing out.  And right now, that means I don't have a ticket yet.

Maybe that's the playa's way of not having me stress out about OMG I'M GOING BY MYSELF for the entire Spring/Summer.  Maybe I'll get my ticket in Summer and only stress out for a month rather than four, maybe I won't get a ticket.  Maybe I'll get seventy two (I don't know where that number came from)  The point is I don't know. And I'm ok with that.

Not to say I didn't cry.  Not to say I didn't wake up the day after really really angry (but that was less to do with tickets and more to do with someone telling me something Max said with regards to me... not going there.  Karma takes care of that kind of stuff.)  Not to say I won't have days of up or down.  Just... I've always just sort of trusted that what's meant to happen will happen with Burning Man.

I didn't get a ticket in the main sale.  That sucked.  We'll see what happens now.

Oh.... So....?

I had a realization the other day.  Not really sure what to do about it, but, well, at least I realized it I suppose?

I can't remember how I came to think about it, but it dawned on me that I'm sort of always thinking I should be something else.

Like... I write.  Ok.  Sure.  I write here, and I write some poetry sometimes.  But I don't think of myself as a writer.  Because I don't write novels.  So I'm not a writer and I don't write.  My writing ... doesn't count somehow.  It's not "real" writing.

Or I do art.  But it's not realistic.  Or it's not... something enough.  It's not mature enough or well developed enough or true to form enough.  It's not... what other people do, enough.  So it doesn't count.

I could go on.  My photography isn't X enough.  My art should be better.  I'm not an actual writer.  I... always always think that I should be something different than what I am.  Usually something "better".  Whatever that means.  And by whose judgement?  My own?  That with which I was raised?  I'm not even sure I know anymore.

And, like I say, I'm not really sure what to do about this realization.

But I'll put it in the back of my head I guess, to think on.  Must mean something.  Bet it would be a good thing to "get over", you know?

Ahhhhhhhhh

Amen for long weekends.

I hope you had a good Easter, or Spring type celebration, or maybe just a regular good weekend. 

With chocolate, if that's your thing.

Sigh

I'm whining, just so you know.  Feel free to skip.

I'm not blaming this on the time change, merely saying that I don't feel like the time change ever helps this, but my sleep the past few weeks has sucked.

I've been managing my sleep pretty effectively for years now, with little more than a blip here or there (acupuncture has really really helped, but mine retired so I'm working with a new one and while we have other things handled, the sleep portion... not quite perfected yet) and so having a few bad weeks (vs days?) is unusual.

And man, I do not like it.

Like yesterday, I was "awake" all night (knew I wasn't asleep) and just as I was about to fall asleep (or so I felt) my alarm went off.  NOOOO!

Once I fall asleep I usually stay asleep (unless someone buzzes my apartment at three am by accident and I am therefore jolted wide awake for... evar!) but the falling asleep has not been going well lately.

I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago here I think.  (Unless I just think I did...no, yeah, I did, that "being pulled towards thinking" thing that's going on...) It's even weirder than lying awake thinking though, I don't even know if I can explain it, I just don't like it, no matter what it is.

So, yes.  Whiny.  Want to go back to the restful sleeps I've been having.  None of this not great sleep malarky.  I'll have none of that thank you very much!

Sigh.

Hindsight, Or Something Like That

One of the first of my pieces of art I ever rescued from a drawer and framed is a lino print of Robert Plant (dreamy sigh) from the Led Zeppelin 1973 concert at Madison Square Gardens that's used in most of their well known videos and their movie "The Song Remains The Same."

I watched the movie again this weekend and was inspired by the lighting and the tones (and the charisma!) to paint Robert Plant all over again.  I was looking at the abstract painting I did and chuckling at the fact that I'd done, without realizing it, a piece from the same video right out of high school.

And then I looked at the lino print, and realized I haven't done one in years.  Have a vague remembrance of how to do it but... at this point, could not replicate what I did then.  That's what happens when you don't keep up at a skill... it doesn't stick around.  Or something.

Which lead me to two thoughts.  One... I wish I had kept up with my art all these years.  All through having jobs and working through university and having boyfriends and all the life stuff that happens, I wish I'd kept up with it.  (Sure, I could even say I wish I'd done it as a career, but we'll leave that one for now.)

And, two... I wish I could go back to high school.  NEVER before in my life have I ever wished this.  I would not wish those insecurities or acne or social ... upsets on anyone, but man oh man do I ever wish I could go back and take all the courses I wanted to take.  The photography class I didn't have room for.  The auto mechanics, woodwork, metal shop classes.  To take my 2-D and 3-D classes again.  TO REMEMBER.  To have free (to me) access to the materials and the learning and the .... all of it.  I want to go back and have the time and space to do all those courses I "couldn't" do because I "had" to take the courses to get into university to do.... something.  (I had no idea at the time.  I had no idea four years and a degree later, either.)

I know, I should look into community college classes, and I might, really.  But there's something about thinking back to high school and wishing I had known how much I'd want those "other" courses, and how little adult me would want to remember about the courses I did take.

Perhaps not everyone feels this way about high school.  Maybe I just missed the mark, or didn't quite know myself.  Not that I disliked the Sciences and all (Math was not my favourite, ugh) and the English and French (I was an Immersion student, it took up a lot of course times) and.... whatever else I took (I was hyper aware of keeping all my possible university options open so covered all the possible acceptance standards, so I never felt like I could do the "fun" stuff.  Man do I wish I could go back and tell myself to ONLY do the fun stuff.)

But, yeah.  First time ever in my life I've wanted to go back to high school.  Just for the ability to get free education and classes and training and material in the stuff I wish I knew more about.

(I wonder if I could time travel, if high school me would even listen to... future now me?)

Not The Same

As I type this, I feel like I've maybe talked about it before, but hey, brain's gonna do what brain's gonna do, right?   But I was thinking the other day about how this anxiety I've been dealing with for the last few months is not something I've really experienced before.

Yes, I've been a worrier.  Yes, I overthink.  Yes, I get nervous about things.  But this?  This is so much MORE than that.

And by "more" I mean... more intense?  More... physically involved?  This is different.  This is new to me.  And I do not like it.

I have wondered if it's possibly hormonally related.  With my body especially (thyroid stopped working when I was a kid so my endocrine (hormone) system is.... sensitive and rather less than "normal") subtle changes can mean more than with other people and women's (and men's too I would venture to suggest) hormones change all their darn lives.  (Why we don't teach young girls this and how it will change their body shape and therefore not to expect their body to ever look the same in their pre-teens, or twenties, or thirties, etc. etc.)  I may mention it to my doctor... or not.  I may try to track it for a while first... or not.  I'm just saying... this is not something I'm used to.  This is that much more uncomfortable.

This "anxiety" is not the same as being a worrier... or any of that.  It's not the same as "freaking out" about getting on a cramped airplane or feeling panicky in a crowd.  This is not... not anything I want to keep having in my life.

I don't know.  There's maybe not much of a point to this post.  I think I just wanted to tell me... future me, or something, that this is not something that has always been part of me or in my life and so there's no reason it should always be in my life or part of me.  To think of it like.... mental food poisoning.  Temporary.  Nasty as all get out.  But temporary.




Now if that isn't the weirdest thought I've come up with today, I don't know what is.

Oh.... Good Point!

You know when you have those a-ha moments where you kind of wonder how you hadn't thought of it before but then realize that you really needed this set of circumstances to happen before you could think of it?  Yeah.

So my kitchen table is pretty much not for eating on anymore.  It's where I do my art and where I have the most used art supplies sitting (ready for insta use!)

This table is right by the big windows in my place so I get all the yummy light throughout the day.

And up until now, not a lot of heat.

Which, hey, no problem, layers, right?

Right.  Except, we had a sunny day last week (ish?) that also had a bit of warmth to the sun (YAY FOR SPRING!) and I picked up my oil pastels and they were warm.  Hmmmm I thought... I bet if these got hot enough they would melt... I should probably think about that.

And then I looked at my bottles of ink sitting there with condensation droplets inside them and I thought huh... I bet that they're not really supposed to sit in the sun/heat either.

So, yeah.... have really only been getting back into creating this much since Fall... so haven't been through the warm seasons yet with it!  May have to either learn to deal with runny, warmed up materials or fin another way to keep them close at hand.

Perhaps I should get in the habit of tidying up at the end of the day, just to eliminate the possibility of anything getting wrecked by the sun/heat...

But yeah, hadn't occurred to me until now.  Thanks for the polite warning sunshine!  I love you!

D'oh

Was in the middle of a counselling session the other day when the lightbulb blew. 


I had to stop myself from laughing because... well, clearly something wasn't impressed by what I was saying!  It was like this "opposite of a lightbulb turning on" moment that I found quite hilarious.

Sorry, counselling office ghost, I promise to do the work and not complain!