I talked with (to?) a lot of people in the last week or two about how awful I was feeling about everything and how I felt lost and confused and like I didn't know what to do.
And everyone I talked to, my parents, my brother, my friends, my friends I wish were closer friends, all did a great job of listening and empa/sympathizing.
And while it didn't fix anything to talk about it all, it did help. It helped to say whatever it was, and just get it off my chest, even if just for a few minutes.
But even so, my last few weekends have still involved a whole lot of crying (who knew Glee could make me cry so much?) and a whole lot of still feeling really rough.
One of the themes that came out of the talking I did was how I was so sad I'd put my life on hold in some ways while waiting for a partner.
Buy a house? Wait until I have a husband and therefore a second income.
Go do adventurous things? Wait until I have a boyfriend and therefore someone to come with me.
Go do something I've always wanted to do? Um, like what? I don't know anymore what that passion might be. I bet if I had a husband, he'd help me find my passions again.
And that made me sad. To think that I've been waiting for something, someone else to come along so I could live *more*.
And so I started thinking about that and how, while I wasn't really ready to say I never wanted someone in my life (of course I do), I can at least admit that it might not happen and so I should stop putting my life on hold for it.
And do you know something I know I've always wanted in my life? Always, since I was a little girl?
It's one thing I want to have in my life at some point, and, well, why not start thinking about that as a goal, as something to work towards.
I can't have a dog where I live. No pets at all. And I'd always told myself that the next time I moved, it would be into a place where I could get a dog.
But I also told myself that I wouldn't move until I could buy.
And that I wouldn't buy until I had a husband to help with the costs, and do you see where I'm going with this?
I met with a realtor last week.
And talked with the bank, and am meeting with a mortgage broker this week.
I'm looking into buying a place that will allow me to own a dog.
And being proactive? Taking the step to move forward with my life? Made me feel a lot better.
Not perfect, not over everything, not fixed, just... better.
But the whole thing is scary. Read: Freaky.
I'm not someone who enjoys looking at listings. I HATED looking for apartments when I moved here. I mean, look at me. I hate looking at places so much, I moved right back into my old apartment instead of looking for a new one. My life was in storage, it would have been a perfect time to look around and find a new place.
But no. It's not something I like doing in the slightest.
But I've got a ballpark idea of the price I could aim for and I've spent a bit of time on the mls listings.
And I'm freaking out.
It's just so overwhelming and I don't want to do it because my head starts hurting within minutes and how can anyone find this fun are they crazy?
(It's funny, the friends that I've told are so excited for me. I'm really really not. "THIS IS SO EXCITING" they shout, clapping their hands and jumping up and down. Um, no?)
But, we'll see. I survived the process of buying a new car, I can learn to survive this process too.
It'll be an experience, that's for sure.
So yeah, I'm freaking out and trying not to freak out, because really I don't have to do this, but, yeah. It's a different kind of stress than the stress that has me crying at everything and feeling broken, but maybe a while from now, both stresses will be less. Or gone.
That'd be nice.