Thursday, 31 May 2012

Durrrr

So yes there's a lot on my mind and there already was but now there's more and so it shouldn't be surprising that I got lost on my way to the physio the other day.

My knee got a little funky a couple of weeks ago. I was pretty sure it had something to do with the transition from shoes to sandals when the hot weather came, but wanted to check in with a physiotherapist to see about exercises and whatnot.

I haven't been to this place in a while, but know where it is, and let's say for today's lesson that it's on Jones Street.

So I got held a little late at work and didn't have the usual amount of extra time to walk from my place as I normally would have so I drove. And I drove to Jones Street and parked. I was bummed to see the city had turned the area into pay parking, but whatever, I plugged the meter thing and turned around to head into the building.

Except it kind of wasn't there.

I mean, there was a building there, but it wasn't the one it should have been.

So I walked down a few buildings and then back up a few buildings just to make sure I wasn't, you know, missing something obvious and then I realized I wasn't where I should be and didn't know where I needed to go. Up? Down? I knew I was on the right street, just not at the correct block.

And thank goodness for smart phones and the fact that even when I'm running "late" I'm still not late in real time, because I was a block down from where I should have been and I managed to get myself there in time, only feeling slightly silly for driving to the wrong block of the right street.

That is, until I got to the place and realized what it was called.

"Jones and Fifth Physiotherapy"

As in... the name of the two streets it sits on the corner of.

D'oh.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Got Proactive. Now Freaking Out.

Downtown - The Market by foundimagination
I talked with (to?) a lot of people in the last week or two about how awful I was feeling about everything and how I felt lost and confused and like I didn't know what to do.

And everyone I talked to, my parents, my brother, my friends, my friends I wish were closer friends, all did a great job of listening and empa/sympathizing.

And while it didn't fix anything to talk about it all, it did help. It helped to say whatever it was, and just get it off my chest, even if just for a few minutes.

But even so, my last few weekends have still involved a whole lot of crying (who knew Glee could make me cry so much?) and a whole lot of still feeling really rough.

One of the themes that came out of the talking I did was how I was so sad I'd put my life on hold in some ways while waiting for a partner.

Buy a house? Wait until I have a husband and therefore a second income.

Go do adventurous things? Wait until I have a boyfriend and therefore someone to come with me.

Go do something I've always wanted to do? Um, like what? I don't know anymore what that passion might be. I bet if I had a husband, he'd help me find my passions again.

And that made me sad. To think that I've been waiting for something, someone else to come along so I could live *more*.

And so I started thinking about that and how, while I wasn't really ready to say I never wanted someone in my life (of course I do), I can at least admit that it might not happen and so I should stop putting my life on hold for it.

And do you know something I know I've always wanted in my life? Always, since I was a little girl?

A dog.

It's one thing I want to have in my life at some point, and, well, why not start thinking about that as a goal, as something to work towards.

I can't have a dog where I live. No pets at all. And I'd always told myself that the next time I moved, it would be into a place where I could get a dog.

But I also told myself that I wouldn't move until I could buy.

And that I wouldn't buy until I had a husband to help with the costs, and do you see where I'm going with this?

I met with a realtor last week.

And talked with the bank, and am meeting with a mortgage broker this week.

I'm looking into buying a place that will allow me to own a dog.

And being proactive? Taking the step to move forward with my life? Made me feel a lot better.

Not perfect, not over everything, not fixed, just... better.

But the whole thing is scary. Read: Freaky.

I'm not someone who enjoys looking at listings. I HATED looking for apartments when I moved here. I mean, look at me. I hate looking at places so much, I moved right back into my old apartment instead of looking for a new one. My life was in storage, it would have been a perfect time to look around and find a new place.

But no. It's not something I like doing in the slightest.

But I've got a ballpark idea of the price I could aim for and I've spent a bit of time on the mls listings.

And I'm freaking out.

It's just so overwhelming and I don't want to do it because my head starts hurting within minutes and how can anyone find this fun are they crazy?

(It's funny, the friends that I've told are so excited for me. I'm really really not. "THIS IS SO EXCITING" they shout, clapping their hands and jumping up and down. Um, no?)

But, we'll see. I survived the process of buying a new car, I can learn to survive this process too.

It'll be an experience, that's for sure.

So yeah, I'm freaking out and trying not to freak out, because really I don't have to do this, but, yeah. It's a different kind of stress than the stress that has me crying at everything and feeling broken, but maybe a while from now, both stresses will be less. Or gone.

That'd be nice.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Sunrise - Five Something, Sunset - Nine Something

Ahhhhhhhhh.....

This length of day light time is perfect, just perfect.

It's light out before I wake up, which makes waking up SO much easier, and much nicer.

It's light all day (even on the cloudy/rainy days it's still light/bright).

It's light when I get home from work.

It's light when I get home from doing something after work.

And, sometimes, it's even still light in the sky a little when I go to bed.

I love it, it's perfect.

I know we're heading towards the time when things start to head towards shorter days, so I'm going to keep enjoying these long days while they're here.

They're perfect

Monday, 28 May 2012

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Made Me Feel Like I Was In Mexico by foundimagination
One of the cute things my brain does when I'm worried is give me dreams where someone is trying to steal my teddy bear.

Seriously.

When I'm really worried or stressed, I have dreams where someone sneaks into my room during the night to try to steal away my teddy bear and I often sort of half wake up in the middle of these dreams and grab my teddy bear to make sure he's still there.

I guess I was really stressed this weekend, because the dream went one step further.

Not only was someone trying to steal my teddy bear, they snuck in, stole him and managed to exchange him for a copy, a fake.

And I was so upset about a fake teddy being implanted that I woke up in the middle of the morning, heart racing, in a panic, reached over, turned on the light and inspected Teddy to make sure he was the right one.

And even doing that, barely awake, lights on, rubbing his tummy and staring at him, I was still only half sure he was the right one, but I managed to calm myself down enough to go back to sleep.

In some ways it's cute, but in some ways it worried me a little that my brain did something while I was asleep that woke me up. But I guess we have to get rid of our worries, stress and anxiety somehow, and as nightmares go, one that I can wake up and reassure myself about by hugging my teddy bear is probably better than many.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Awwww Man!

So there I am, innocently asleep, and feeling just a little bit chilly.

So I do what any chilly, sleepy person would do and I reach and pull up my sheet so it's covering me right up under my chin when RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!

The darn thing rips.

And because it's the middle of the night/morning, all I can do is think "well, that's too bad" and go back to sleep.

But you guys, I'm SO sheet picky! Like, my sheets have to be so so soft or else I can't handle it! And now I have to go sheet shopping again and I haven't found good sheets in so long and why'd these have to rip?

Or maybe I just turned a little Hulk strong in the night and didn't know it.

Could be, you never know!

Friday, 25 May 2012

Not Sure

Paths by foundimagination
This may sound weird, but I think I've maybe developed an allergy to.... of all things, alcohol.

Now, I'm not quite willing to say for sure, but I'm getting more and more convinced.

I'm not really a drinker anymore, but every once in a while I don't mind heading out for a couple of drinks after work, or the odd girl's night out.

But the last three or four times I've had a drink or two, I've woken up the next morning feeling sick.

Like, not hungover nauseated sick, but like, I have a cold/flu all stuffed up and sore throat and miserable and tired kind of sick.

First time it happened I thought I was just getting a cold. The second time it happened I figured I was run down, but by the third time I started to wonder.

It's not that I *need* to drink, but I do like having the option of being in a social situation and enjoying a drink.

I've been sticking to cosmos lately, so maybe before I give up entirely, I'll try like a gin and tonic, or something without any added flavours or sugary things.

But I think I might just end up not drinking at all anymore and that's a little bit of a bummer.

But not really.

But kind of.

Know what I mean?

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Change of Tack

Back in February, I started taking a few minutes at the end of the day to write down what went well.

I liked doing it and even now, when I've had a bad day but don't feel like harping about it in my diary, I take a breath and think about what went well for the day. And it helps. The day may still have been crappy and tough, but I like acknowledging the good moments in there too.

So I woke up this morning and realized I could do that here for a second; talk about what went well in the last week or so.

So, in no particular order...here are some things that have gone well this past week.

- my co-worker friend and I went shopping and she helped me get some really nice new tops. After she had to go, I stayed and found a pair of pants that should work for the warmer weather.

- we had a "staff appreciation lunch" at work last week and someone made this ice cream cake concoction that was to die for. So simple but so so good. It was delicious.

- at the same lunch, I had the most perfect strawberry ever. I love it when that happens.

- I've lost five pounds since I started using that calorie tracker app

- I had a laugh until you can't breathe, tears coming out of your eyes moment the other day

- we had delicious chocolate birthday cake this weekend for my Dad's birthday. This time last year we didn't know if there would ever be another birthday. He's doing really really well. This is awesome.

- the trees and plants and flowers are all awesomely colourful and happily in bloom and some people's yards look so amazingly fantastic right now.

So there you go.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Sigh

Late Spring Blossoms by foundimagination
I feel like everything I have to say right now is complainy, and I'm sorry about that.

I know it's way more fun to read when things are more ooh cute guy and fluffy happy silly things, but I'm struggling and I can't openly talk about the why's of that here, which means I can't really just lay things out.

So instead, I'm kind of stuck talking around what's going on and how I feel about it and that ends up being bluegrey complaining sort of blah blah blah yuck.

But there's not much else going on for me and I'm trying not to be too consumed by the rain cloud thats hovering over me, but it's hard.

And honestly, often by the time I sit down to write, I've kind of used up my energy and good humour for the day/week/hour and so, yeah. Sorry.

From the few of your blogs I've read, a few of you seem to also be in a slump or not so great a space right now and maybe there's some kind of planetary alignment or bad juju riding around the Universe right now or something. Would we feel better if there was?

Maybe.

So I'm sorry things aren't much fun 'round here right now, I wish I could guarantee they would lighten/cheer up soon. Until then, thanks for your support and good vibes and such. They help.

And Happy Wednesday. That means two more work days til the weekend, right?

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Oh Boy

OK, so, that long weekend wasn't quite what I'd hoped, but that's ok.

I got some rest, sure, but there were also a few things I chose to do that ran me into a brick wall of exhaustion. It was weird, I'd be there in the middle of whatever it was and suddenly I was done. Like, done, done, need to go home now done.

But, the upside of even a tiring, non-restful long weekend is that there's a four day week now, and I'm already one day closer to Friday.

Weather's changed too, for what it's worth, and knock on wood, it's not chilly cold again, but the sun's disappeared and we're getting our rainfall in.

I'm not entirely sure how to get myself through and out of whatever it is I'm going through right now, and I'm not entirely sure how to best take care of myself right now, but I'll just keep on keeping on and will keep on being hopeful that this tunnel will end soon enough.

So, yeah. Long weekend was had, but I somehow came out of it not much more rested than I went into it.

But, hey, at least Monday's done, right?

Saturday, 19 May 2012

To My Fellow British Colombians

So Glad It's Friday by foundimagination
Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy long weekend.

I hope this Victoria Day is coming at as perfect a time for you as it is for me and that you enjoy whatever fun/relaxing/entertaining plans you have.

I can not begin to tell you just how much I am looking forward to doing nothing for three days. Absolutely nothing.

Unless I want to.

See you on the flip side!

Friday, 18 May 2012

Realist

This isn't a sad thing at all, but I think I'm getting better and knowing when a guy's not interested in me.

Like, when Steve and our friends and I were sitting around after dinner chatting and he said he had to get going, I knew right away he wasn't interested.

And then yesterday, at work, there was a visiting spy at lunch, and we made polite conversation and then he too, got up and left and I knew he wasn't interested.

It's a combination of instinct and having a memory of what it was like when a guy was interested. How they'd want to keep talking, or would make an excuse to linger. And how they'd always ask for my number, or I'd find out the next day that they'd asked a friend for it.

I guess with Steve I was mentally trying to give him the benefit of the doubt when really, gut-wise, I knew he wasn't going to follow up and I should have just shrugged it off that night instead of continuing to hope what I already know what hopeless.

Like, I totally knew he wasn't that into me.

Same with the guy yesterday. My co-workers were all excited, asking me if I was going to ask for his number or something and I just kind of smiled at them, knowing he wasn't interested. (And then did some cyber sleuthing and discovered pictures of him and his girlfriend/possibly wife. Which, yes, I was right again of course.)

I think that's part of what's thrown me off in on-line dating. Because it's not a natural situation and I don't get to see or feel out the cues I usually get.

Or maybe I've always kind of known, and have just recently started to trust that knowing more. (Cuz it's way more interesting to ignore the knowing and cross your fingers and hope for something and then get crushed in the end. Except the getting crushed part hurts. Ouchily.)

Thursday, 17 May 2012

I Go Night Night

Let The Morning Time Drop All Its Petals On Me by foundimagination
Do you ever have one of those days when you get home and although you can't seem to remember doing anything particularly challenging or difficult, you sit down for a second and realize you're completely, utterly exhausted?

Yeah.

I had one of those yesterday.

Had you asked, I would have said the day was easy enough, nothing spectacularly stressful or difficult, and I was debating on the way home if I should go to the gym or wait an hour and go to a yoga class at the gym. I got home and sat down on my couch and all of a sudden I was exhausted.

Like, did I run a marathon or go three days without eating or something? kind of exhausted.

And ordinarily I'd get mad at myself for not going to the gym, or tell myself that I was just being wimpy, but instead, I lay down on my couch and curled up in my blankie and noodled around on the internet.

Can't tell you why I was so tired. Not enough protein....not enough water...too much heat this week...stress and anxiety let down, I don't know. It was just crazy to be home on a bright, gorgeous sunny day and wanting nothing more than to curl up and have a nap.

It's a weird balance between the days I should push myself to get to the gym because I'm just feeling a little bit lazy and the days like yesterday when my body apparently just needed to rest. And I know some people believe you push through no matter what, but I'm starting to believe that's not always the best thing to do.

So how was your Wednesday afternoon?

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Better

I had a bit of a better day yesterday, which was quite a relief really.

I think talking about things with my parents and a good night's sleep and an hour in the glorious sunshine all really helped.

Talked with my brother yesterday too and said that it felt like I was having some kind of mid-life crises but that wasn't possible because I'm not old enough for that and after I told him all the things that were going on (or not going on as the case may be) he said it sounded like "the perfect storm of crappy things and timing" happening.

Yes. Exactly.

I'm in the middle of a perfect storm.

Fan. Tastic.

But, anyway, here's hoping tomorrow's a better day too.

Rinse and repeat.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Around

Caught The Sun by foundimagination
I'm a little bit dizzy, trying to remember to breathe, stuck, as I am, in the middle of the latest of a series of shitty lessons life has thrown at me this year.

(Or maybe it's just a repeating of the same lesson over and over with slight variations just to make sure I get it.)

So much has been hard learned this year, and by year, I'm counting from the time they took my Dad into the O.R. and cracked open his chest...






The best moments I had this weekend were walking home from the gym. I remember feeling strong and powerful and wondering how anyone could possibly resist my awesomeness, and I'm glad I had those moments to counteract the crying and the times of sitting there trying to figure out what, exactly, I'm supposed to do now.

I know this post doesn't entirely make sense, or maybe doesn't make sense even in the slightest, but I wanted to write something, didn't want to leave a blank page.

Things aren't good right now. Things are tough. I'm struggling, but I'm coping. If that makes sense.

It got warm this weekend too. Which was weird. Going from frost overnight to getting out the fans and throwing open all the windows in less than a week.

And I'm not enjoying "Childhood's End", which is disappointing, since it came so highly recommended.

Hang on, forgot to breathe again.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Bummed

I'm genuinely bummed that Steve isn't interested in getting to know me.

I'd really hoped that we would get along (we did) and that we would then see each other again and that we'd eventually end up in a relationship.

But it's been a couple of weeks and he's had ample opportunity to ask about me or to ask for my number or contact information and he hasn't.

Which speaks loud and clear.

He's not interested.

Which is a bummer and disappointing and leaves me a little sad and more than a little bit lost as to what I'm supposed to do now.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Excuse My French

Than The Sun by foundimagination
I wrote out this post and then erased it and then wrote it out again and then erased it and now I'm just going to put this....

C-Dawg and I are dealing with legal stuff from the accident we were in.

And it is absolutely breaking me.

To put it mildly... it is fucking awful.

On the days where I've had to deal with one thing or another, I'm barely holding my head above water emotionally and stress-wise.

It's awful.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Not Even An "Uh Huh"

The last few nights, someone in my building has come home (from work?) and been on the phone.

I know they've been on the phone, because their phone is on speaker and continues to be on speaker as they walk from their vehicle, slowly across the parking area and into the building.

I sleep with my windows open (even though last week was SO DAMN COLD for May that I got woken up by the chill and had to find an extra blanket go figure) and am usually up reading, so I can hear this person's phone calls.

And for the last few nights, whoever he's been talking to (a wife/girlfriend/sister/mother?) has been on a not quite angry but definitely annoyed sort of one sided conversation that goes pretty much non stop from the time this guy gets out of his vehicle and gets to the door to inside.

And I don't know if maybe he's said something before he got out of his car, but the whole (minute or so?) time I can hear the conversation? He says nothing. It's just talktalktalktalktalktalktalk from this woman, and nothing from him.

And yes, I'm assuming it's a him from the giant sounding truck noise and from the lack of verbal communication on his end.

I mean, I know when I'm listening to someone talk on and on about something, I still throw in a neutral comment or two so they at least know I'm paying attention.

This guy?

Nothing.

He may slowly be becoming my new hero somehow because the whole one-sidedness of it makes me wonder how long his drive home is and if she just talks non stop the whole way.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

A Whole Other Species

Down at the Station by foundimagination
Speaking of Steve, last Monday was a reminder lesson in the fact that boys are not girls and girls are not boys.

I walked in to work Monday and my closest friend at worked dragged me aside to ask how my dinner and meeting Steve had gone.

I told her the same as I told you guys... it was fun, it went well, he was interesting.

Butwhatifhedoesn'tlikeme? I blurted out, not five seconds later.

And my co-worker, who knows me so well, smiled and pulled her rolly chair closer to me.

"Victoria? Guys are not like girls."

She paused.

"I mean, here we are, first thing, talking about it; I even wanted to call you last night to ask how it went and what you wore and what you thought, but I didn't, I tried to be patient and wait til this morning."

"You have to understand that Steve and his co-workers are not currently doing the same thing. They are not all piled into his room asking how the dinner went and what he thought of you, and you know they're both busy at their job and they might not get around to talking about it for a few days."

"Oh." I said, eloquently.

"WELLTHENHOWAMISUPPOSEDTOKNOWIFHELIKESME?"

Rinse and repeat this pattern for a couple of minutes until I calmed down somewhat and understood what she was saying.

Doesn't mean I like it, but I at least understood that my co-worker might not hear back from her husband about how Steve felt the dinner went for a while.

It's in moments of understanding how different we can be that I start to wonder if men and women are really the same species at all?

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

These Two Thoughts Are Not Related

1. I enjoyed meeting Steve.




2. I'm ready to fall in love.










These two thoughts happened into my brain around the same time. But they're not, particularly, related. Necessarily.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

We're All Canada

Deep Breath by foundimagination
I've been crying at a lot of things this past week or so.

Doesn't take much to tip me over into a sobbing mess, there was even a moment at work last week where I got mad at an interaction and ended up in (private, unseen) tears.

I suppose it's inevitable that when stress is high, tears are near for me. It's in these moments, though, that I feel like there's a never-ending well of extraordinarily deep sadness in me and while I used to think that meant I was broken in some way, now I just think it means I feel more than some people do. (Or maybe not, what do I know.)

One thing I do know, is that within my family, I'm different; feelings wise.

I used to think this meant I was wrong, and then for a while I thought it meant *they* were wrong and then I just kind of shrugged and figured it didn't matter who was right or wrong, they just didn't get me...or something.

A few months ago, when I spoke to the Heart Health counsellor at the hospital where my Dad completed his physical rehab program (yay Dad, well done!) she said something to me that was one of those Oprah trademarked "A Ha" moments; a true lightbulb moment I guess.

In talking about how I felt within my family and how we were all coping with my Dad's illness and ongoing recovery, she pointed out to me that we were all different.

"We're all Canada," she said.

And suddenly, I knew what she meant.

I see the world the way I see it and that includes being in touch with my emotions and wanting to hug and touch and talk and be close. And the other members of my family see the world the way they see it and they have their comfort zones with emotions and closeness and talking and sharing and we are all different. And that's ok.

I'd never seen it that way before, and even now I'm not able to clearly explain what it was she said; it just made sense.

See, Canada is known as a cultural mosiac...where people from all different cultures and countries come together and make a beautiful image. We're not a cultural melting pot - which is where people from all over might be expected to come together and change into the culture of that country. So for this counsellor to say that "we're all Canada", she meant that we're all different and aren't meant to be like each other and that as a family member, I have to accept that and value it.

So maybe I do feel things differently than, certainly the members of my family. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone, it just makes me different.

Maybe I cried a lot last week, and maybe I'm going to keep on crying all this week too. It doesn't make me wrong, it just makes me me, getting through this tough time.

And because "we're all Canada", I can't expect my family to understand or to know how to help me, I can just expect them to be who they are and appreciate them for that. And maybe most of all, I have to make sure I take care of myself, because I'm the only one who understands what it is I need, and within my family, (and kind of within my friends) I'm the only one who has the touchy-feely-talk-about-it-let-me-hug-you-ness that I need.

Monday, 7 May 2012

That Damn Book

I first heard about it on the internet. One of the blogs I read blushed guiltily at having devoured Fifty Shades of Grey. And needing a distraction and a little fun, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon too, and enjoy me a little "adult romance", (for mature audiences only.)

Now the last thing I thought I'd feel after reading this internet sensation of a sexy romance book was sad. I figured I'd be giggly or, well, whatever else one feels after reading some good raunchy sex scenes if you know what I'm saying, but I didn't expect to cry.

But cry I did.

And as I kept reading, I got more and more sad.

If you take out the sex part of the book, the male lead is everything I would dream about in a guy. He's gorgeous. He's a billionaire. He's self possessed and confident.

He's completely enamored of the lead female and can't keep away from her. He lavishes her with gifts and wants to protect her and take care of her and do what's best for her.

She misses him and he flies to be with her.

She challenges him and he adores her for it.

I know this is how romance novels go, I've read my share of them. There's a feisty, independent, flawed woman (many of them are clumsy and don't see their own beauty) and there's a wildly handsome and unattainable man who falls for her and they struggle through all these insurmountable problems and she leaves for a while because she can't put up with his issue but he changes for her and bing bang boom they end up together because it's meant to be and who can ignore that electric pull anyway and she's so worth him becoming a better man for.

And I'm usually just fine with this plot line and get all happy and giggly at the end and enjoy the naughty bits all the way through, but this time this book just hit me sideways.

Maybe it's because I met Steve last week and he wasn't "drawn to me like a moth to flame" and he hasn't "been unable to keep away" from me and seeing that stark contrast just made me sad. Where is my perfect guy who is utterly drawn to me?

By the time I'd finished the book on Saturday I was miserable.

And when I'm sad and miserable, my brain shouts all the nastiest things at me (fat, ugly, useless, no one loves you, no one even likes you) and that just makes everything all the worse.

But after eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and popcorn and wanting to sit and wallow in how awful that damn book had made me feel, I took myself to the gym and felt better by the time I got home.

Maybe someone should go around putting a warning label on these books. Not "mature audience", but "do not read if feeling low about your current romantic situation".

Cuz then I would have waited a while to read that damn book. And my weekend might not have been so damn sad.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

The Latest Thing To Make Me Cry


RIP MCA - Coldplay Tribute to Adam Yauch

Friday, 4 May 2012

Um

Someone here has a guest(?) who brings a cat on a leash.

I have thoughts about this.

They go a little like this: " ... "











(P.S. May the 4th be with you... Heh...)

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Under Pressure*

Like Skin by foundimagination
I'm dealing with some stress right now, unrelated to work or health, but far far more stressful than it should be or maybe could be.

And so that, unfortunately, is making things in general tougher than they would usually be.

Stress and anxiety making me more stressed and anxious and yes, mindfulness and meditation are genuinely what's helping the most. But I'm still grumpy at work and little things are bothering me and they all seem to pile up and while I know logically it's just this one big worry making everything else seem big, it still feels big, regardless of whatever logic puzzle my brain gnaws away at.

Case in point? I was SUPER annoyed this week when I forgot to "post" the broken posts in the morning because I'd remembered to do it last week (post mega stress bomb) but hadn't remembered Mon/Tues/Wed and it seemed curse-worthy.

Which it wasn't.

But, nonetheless, I'm still hoping this post posts on its own, as scheduled, because even taking little worries/thoughts/troubles off my plate helps me feel a bit mellower.

I know, know, know this too shall pass, and I've been through much worse, but this has been one of those weeks where every day I've wondered why it wasn't Friday and every day I've wished I could just stay home and sleep.

I'm not cracking under pressure, I'm just feeling strained at having to carry the added weight of it.

And I'll be happy when it lessens, and at some point, disappears entirely.





*(And now you're going to be singing Queen all day too, aren't you? You're welcome.)

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Test

Testing the "fixed" scheduled posts not posting issue....

Cycle

(Yup, forgot to "force post" again this morning. Sigh)

I don't want to say it's a "vicious" cycle because that's perhaps too much of an exaggeration even for me, but I'm a little bit stuck in a not so great cycle right now.

I'm under a lot of stress and it's wearing on me which runs me down and also makes me tired but unable to sleep well which also runs me down, and because I'm tired I don't want to exercise as much even though I know that might reduce the impact of the stress, but I'm too tired to exercise so I don't and then I don't sleep well which makes me feel not good so I don't feel like exercising and, well, you can see the loop, yes?

I'm not at my 100% health wise and so I've been kind of taking it easy with the gym since my cold, but now this stress and anxiety and worry about the stress is wearing me down and I feel too tired to go to the gym and then I get mad at myself for being "lazy" when really the lazy is only part of it and, well, I just need to go to the gym, don't I?

Except, I did walk a 10 K three days ago, so it's not as if I'm being completely sedentary and so maybe it's not so much the cycle as holy smokes woman would you ease up on yourself already? But I think if I did go to the gym I might feel a little less stressed but I also don't have the energy to go but maybe I should and now this is the post that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends. . . .

Edited to add: Self? I think you forgot that you did yoga on Monday too. So maybe it's ok if you didn't do much cardio Monday/Tuesday. My goodness, self, take it easy on myself already.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Sleepy

A Morning To Be Proud Of by foundimagination
So, yes, C-Dawg and I did walk the 10K on Sunday and, yes, I enjoyed walking it much much more than running it! (Seems like a kind of a "duh" statement, really.)

But I'm also super pooped, yet again from my weekend's adventures and feel like, I think for the third week in a row, I would really quite like a weekend to recover from my weekend.

I didn't mention it beforehand, but I (finally) got to meet Steve this weekend. (The co-worker's husband's co-worker?)

I didn't mention it because I didn't want to curse our meeting yet again, so I figured I wouldn't write about it til I'd seen the whites of his eyes. And I also didn't mention it because I was trying to keep my nerves to a minimum, and the not talking about it to anyone helped. (I did tell two girlfriends a day or two before it happened but I told them "I'm going to tell you something and you can't say anything and you can't talk about it after I tell you ok?")

And I also didn't mention it because blogging's become a little on the complicated/frustrating/confusing/annoying side with Blogger's still-to-be-fixed scheduled posting issue, so I figured I wouldn't mess with it at all.

But, yeah, please imagine me Saturday night, nervous about the race in the morning and nervous about dinner in the evening.

I'm so proud of myself for managing to sleep!

The race was fun and I stretched and had a good bath after and felt pretty good, and then I just distracted myself until it was time to get ready and go.

The dinner was fun and nice and enjoyable and that's all I'm going to say, because what else is there to say?

Yes he was interesting and attractive and yes I'd be happy to see him again but, well, yeah.

No point in starting to think about anything other than what is and so I met Steve, the end.

Plus, I'm super sleepy and this was a lot of typing and I don't even know if I'll be awake enough to remember to "post" it in the morning so....yeah.

I'm sleepy. My 18 hour day on Sunday probably has something to do with that.
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