Like In The Movies

You know how in some sci-fi future type movies they have these medical devices that you lie on and they scan you and tell you all the things that are medically wrong?  Yeah, I feel like I'd like access to one of those. 

And I mean I know that the reality of it is I would probably not *actually* like to know all the things that are "wrong" in my body.... I have a feeling it would make me crazy to know, but I mean it would be nice to know what's going on with SOME of the things, you know?

Like, for example, all of Saturday and some of Friday, my foot hurt.  Or my feet hurt kind of?  Like my left sole hurt but more strangely, the top of my right foot, near the big toe hurt.  And I had and still have no idea why.

I hadn't dropped anything of it, it wasn't feeling or looking bruised.  I hadn't worn weird new shoes.  I hadn't gone on a massive hike, nothing that I could point to to explain the pain.  It just... hurt.  AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!

So if I could step into that machine and have it say "oh, this is actually because you didn't stretch after your walk to that appointment on Wednesday and that made your shin tight and then because you stood for half an hour on Thursday that made the shin worse and so what you actually felt was the ligament/tendon pulling on the toe and so you need to rest it and ice it and massage your shin".  Cuz if I knew that then I'd be like OOOOOH ok, I will stretch more next time, cool!

Or when I have the sniffles, the machine could tell me "this is because you haven't dusted in a week and the dust is irritating your sinuses" or "you have a cold, take Vitamin C" like certain things would be helpful to know rather than my guessing and attempting to help myself feel better and be healthier with wild blindfolded pin the tail on the donkey attempts.

And in my imagination, this magic machine tells me things like "you are putting on weight because of X Y and Z so if you P, Q, R, you will stop putting on weight" and maybe that machine tells me even more helpful things and I find out just how healthy I am and how healthy I can be and I feel a whole lot better in a whole lot of ways.

My toe feels better now, thankfully, but I have no idea why and no idea how to make sure that weirdness doesn't happen again.  I needs me my magic scanner, y'all!

Sad Emoji

Something I'm coming to think might be a thing... and something I should maybe bring up with my counsellor... like, something I'm suspicious about is that I think since I've started volunteering at (workplace), I've had a massive increase in very negative, very un-nice self talk.

Like lately there's been a whole lot more "I hate myself, I suck, I'm awful, I'm unattractive, I'm fat" kind of thinking and self talk than I can remember in a while.

And it's not fun.

It's also not helpful or healthy because it stalls me out.  I hear those and feel those thoughts and feelings and it doesn't make me want to do anything.  

I'd been walking fairly regularly.  Three maybe even four times some weeks.  Now?  I'm pushing hard to get two walks in.  And they're usually right after I've come home from (workplace) where I want to get some of the stress and angst out before I crash for the rest of the day.  And it's like the in between days, the other days?  I just feel so drained and blah that I don't want to go for a walk.

And I know the only way through this is through it.  But I play the game of wanting to push myself a little while not wanting to be horrible to myself and letting myself rest and being ok with being "allowed" to rest and curl up and be in my little, quiet, cocoon (good lord I can't spell that word it just does not look right). 

I mean, maybe it's coincidence, right?  Right.  Maybe.  Maybe a whole crap ton of negative self talk and self image just HAPPENED to come back full force right as I started spending time again at (workplace).  Maybe just a total coincidence.  Could be.  (Ahem)

And I should clarify... it's not as if people there are unkind to me, it's not about something like that.  I think it's maybe just the stress and maybe just being back in this place that was so ..... whatever, that it made me sick, and maybe it's that my system is like "oh, familiar place, we hate ourselves here, remember!"  So I suppose I can try to shift that mind set and tell my mind and body and system that that was then and this is now and things are different.

I dunno.  Hence the "should probably talk to my counsellor about it".  You know?

Sigh.

Being mean to yourself inside your own head is a really not fun thing and really doesn't help in trying to do anything at all at all.

Scared To Be?

I feel like I have a lot to say or a lot to talk about while I try to figure things out but I'm too afraid of upsetting people to talk about it.

Like, honestly, I don't even want to mention the topics here in case someone reads it and "yells" at me and then I screw up even more by trying to say no, I get your point and I understand your side, I'm just trying to figure out a big picture and my thoughts about it all?  

Am I even making sense?

I think for sure I spend too much time online and would be much much happier if I didn't... if I had never joined social media and just stuck to reading blogs and... whatever else I did before I met Jason and he said I "had to" join the book of faces and twitter and wherever else.   Honestly though, I was never going to join Facebook, I never wanted to, I wasn't going to.  Some conversation with him around sharing my art and photography outside of flickr and he seemed to make sense.  He's probably even right.  I think certain social media sites are so ingrained in, say, how an artist-type is "seen".... but yeah, it was Jason that told me to, and I kind of wish I hadn't.  But now I am and that's just that.  But anyway, I digress...

When I'm on these sites, I see the... what, what do I call it?  The divide?  The hatred?  The "it's not us, it's you" from all sides?  The anger at what sometimes feels like everything.  People say something and someone is angry.  Hurt.  Upset.  Or maybe just purposefully pushing buttons back.

To me, it feels like if I say "I like Spring days that aren't too warm" someone may just see that and tell me that I'm wrong and don't understand and something something and I'm not saying that person is wrong, it's more my fear around the conflict.  The fear I have around people thinking poorly of me.  If I say I like dogs, someone may tell me cats are better.  And, yes, I'm using simple, easy, comfortable examples here.  The truth is I want to talk about big, heavy, upsetting things.  Like how people are coming forward more and more regularly and saying that "person in position of power or wealth or fame" was bad in some way.  I want to talk about the structures and social norms that have encouraged these things for decades and generations.  I want to talk about things that are beyond my pay grade and beyond my current education.  (I do have a degree in psychology and sociology because I loved the studies... but that was a fairly long while ago now... I haven't kept up on the learning and I also am more aware of the bias inherent in higher learning and education.)

People and humans and society interest me.  And I want to have conversation around that.  Sarah and her dude are two dear friends I have always been able to have those types of conversations with and no, not because we see eye to eye but because we respect and listen when we have those talks.  But, Covid.  I haven't seen them... I think once this year I did, but that's it.  

And online?  Doesn't feel like a place where conversation can be had.  I've seen that play out time and time again on pages and forums and posts.  Especially with strangers.  And I know that here is, in theory a space where I could do that but I still don't feel comfortable enough to do so.

Partly, if I'm honest, because I don't feel smart enough.  Really.  I have the basis of thoughts and ideas but nothing much to back them up.  And I don't have the personal experience, and I'm aware of that.  I could try to talk about how men and boys have been brought up and socialized for generations, but I'm not male, and I don't want to speak for anyone other than myself.

But damn if I don't have thoughts.  Thoughts and feelings and opinions and wonderings.  But I'm scared to anger someone.  I'm scared to receive upset reactions.  I'm scared to have my thoughts picked apart or belittled.  I don't know, I just have not yet become a version of myself who is ok with conflict and being fully and apologetically myself.  I'm scared of "being mean" or something, I don't know. I'm scared of making a stand I guess, knowing that others will disagree and "be mean" to me and "dislike" me and I don't want to add any negativity to the world so I guess... I don't know, I guess I'm in some ways, afraid to be.

Less Concerning This Time

I'm sure I remember talking about this last year but I don't honestly feel like searching for it... in part because I don't want to re-read some of those posts right now.  Last March was bad.  My own anxiety went through the roof, as did that of many... even some who'd maybe not experienced that feeling in quite the same way before.  And so I don't want to revisit that right now by searching for this post, but I do think I wrote about it last Spring.  Because I'm pretty sure I remember talking about this and being scared about it.

I had, last week, a feeling of not being able to get a full breath.  Like I couldn't get my lungs to fully expand all the way to let in the proper amount of air.  (It's weird to explain, but it's like ... I dunno, resistance from muscles... that sort of feeling?)

I checked my blood ox levels (I know, not hospital accuracy but reassuring nonetheless) and I was totally fine, so I knew it wasn't like actually "not getting oxygen", but I think I remember the feeling last year and wondering if it was stress, and then deciding it was some sort of weird allergy thing and then worrying that I might have caught Covid (I didn't have a blood oxygen measuring thing at first last Spring) and just not sure I could convince myself of what was going on and wondering why "allergies" would give this sort of a feeling.

And then last year I must have forgotten about it.  Must have been able to "get full breaths" again and moved on.  So when I had that same feeling last week I at least had the memory of last year to compare against.

So, yeah, I guess it's the season of plants sending off... you know, stuff... and some of our bodies disliking that stuff.  I don't consider myself someone with allergies but over the last few years I've had some new to me things go on in my body that seem to be helped by a Reactine (allergy pill) so.... maybe?

The "can't get a full breath" thing may be posture, may be stress, may be muscles, may be allergies, I don't know, and I'm nowhere near concerned enough to go into a doctor about it.  (Hell, I haven't gone in to physically see a doctor in a year.  I should... probably do that... but... meh... I still feel like avoiding the physical stuff and just dealing with "over the phone" stuff for now....)

Anyway.  All I'm saying with this post is that breathing stuff that has come up in the last week or over the last month or so isn't as terrifying as it was last year when I had no idea if every little thing was possibly Covid.

Man this year has not been easy. 

Well Then!

So, I had a funny the other day.

Funny to me at least!

I went out to my car and there was a banana peel under it!  WHAT?

I was kind of annoyed, but as I drove away thinking about it I realized I could probably make a silly post for you all referring to the "banana peels at the base of trees" posts I've made over the years.  So I kind of smiled to myself about that post idea and let it go.

As I was driving home that night, which, I should point out, I need to wear my glasses once it gets dark, so I had my glasses on.  And as I was driving home that night I started to think through the post.  "They found me you guys!"  I would write... and then tell you about how the banana peel person had clearly seen my posts and found where I lived and was leaving me a message.... of some sort!  I was a marked woman!  Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun! (Mystery show sound track.)

As I pulled into my spot, I got a little annoyed because it's kind of rude to chuck a banana peel into a parking spot, even if it's empty at the time, and you know what there's a garbage bin right there, and a compost bin too so... yeah, I got a little grumpy about it, but that was ok, I'd cheer myself up by writing a silly post.

I parked, and got out, telling myself that maybe the next day I'd come out with a paper towel and throw the peel away because I didn't want to smush it and it shouldn't just sit there, and so I checked to see if it was still where I'd seen it last and, um, you guys?  Remember how I said I had my glasses on because it was dark out?  Well.... yeah....

Turns out no one threw a banana peel into my parking spot.  Ahem.

Turns out it was just a leaf.... cleverly disguised as a banana peel for anyone not wearing their glasses and just kind of quickly glancing and assuming!  Ha!

Ahem.  Whoops!

So a different post.... not an ..."appealing" one.  Hardy har har.

Yep.

 

Well, You Probably Know What This Post Is About!

I have traditionally not done well with the time changes as an adult.  

I say "as an adult" because I don't seem to remember them as a kid... shrug.

A few weeks ago, I read a random article about someone dealing well with time changes when travelling (back when people travelled a lot for work....) And they said that their friend just accepted the time and didn't compare it to whatever time they thought it should be or whatever time it "should" be wherever they were coming from.  Just... it's this time, the end.

So I'm going to try that this year.  Like, right now it's 10am.  The end.  Yes I'm tired, because I had a poor sleep and a late night but it's 10am.  That's all.  

So... knowing that things may not feel right this week (the sudden "light out later" effect and all that kind of stuff) I'm going to just try to be like "that's how it is" rather than my usual (which I've already done this morning" BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THIS O'CLOCK!!!!

Hope your week goes well... And it's just the time it is.

The Library. And Books.

I was thinking last night how happy I am that I love to read.  I assume this is due to my parents encouraging reading and love of books and for that I am so grateful.

I remember our house had these two giant bookcases, floor to ceiling, filled with all sorts of books.  And I'm pretty sure I had a book shelf or book case of my own in my room.  

And then there was the library.  Oh the library... that magical place where you could go and pick out books and take them home FOR FREE!  All you had to do was promise to bring them back by a certain time.  What a wonderful thing.

I have very distinct memories of my local library.  The kid's section was to the left of the librarians desk.  And there were picture books and story books and chapter books.  I remember you could, if you were lucky, sit and read a picture book while your parent or whoever chose their books.  And I distinctly remember the moment of feeling "allowed" to go to the "grown up" section of the library.  Possibly there was a youth/young adult/teen section, I don't recall, but the "big people" books were to the right of the library desk, past the card catalogue (remember those!?  awesome) and how grown up it felt to be reading the .... real books.  (Knowing you could always go back to the kid section if you wanted!)

I remember liking Judy Blume, although my Mom had an issue with "Are You There God? It's Me Margret."  I don't remember why.  I thought at the time it might be the "controversy" around the book talking about periods, but maybe it was the title, I don't know, but I think that was probably the first book I read in secret... literary contraband... 

I also used to borrow Archie comics (not something we were allowed to buy) and sneaking the occasional Sweet Valley High (TOTALLY FORBIDDEN FRUIT!) book from a friend.

I also liked Roald Dahl and Jean Little and The Little House on the Prairies series and so many more.  

I remember sitting at the top of the stairs looking through the giant book shelf at home and seeing the Piers Anthony Xanth books my brother(s)? had read and picking out Ogre, Ogre and that being my first introduction to Fantasy... and "real, grown up" books.  

I have memories of the school library too.  My elementary school and my high school.  I don't think I got novels out in high school but I remember looking at books in Elementary school so I probably took some out there too.

And I loved picture books.  The combination of the words and the pictures and illustrations and I really liked the more complex ones where there was a lot to look at, like oh, what's the one where the boy has the tadpole that grows into a giant monster?  "The Mysterious Tadpole" by Steven Kellogg, I LOVED his stuff.  And "Where The Wild Things Are", all of those.  I loved them.

I took a break from libraries at some point in my adult life.  Not sure why.  Maybe the ability to buy books (which I've also really enjoyed... oh the money I've spent in book stores!) became a thing.... but I rediscovered libraries again a few years ago and I've talked about that here.

But I do so love being involved in a story and finding friends in pages.  I'm so glad I love to read.  I'm so glad libraries exist and I'm so very glad my parents encouraged and supported a love of reading and a love of books.  Books are the best.  I'm so grateful I have them

A Year. But Not?

I read somewhere the other day that the W.H.O. declared Covid-19 a global pandemic a year ago today.  I haven't gone digging too far to confirm this, but it seems accurate enough.

You may have noticed, as I have, that I've been talking more about Covid this last while and I'm certain that has a lot to do with how .... what do I say here... traumatic?  Terrifying?  Frightening?  Scary?  Unusual?  Weird?  Different?  Bizarre?  Unreal? last March was and how time warped from the moment "shit got real" and hasn't really stopped warping.

Some things seem like they really were yesterday.  Like last March.  It is so very fresh in my mind, and I'm sure in many other minds.  But the calendar year is different.  Sometimes I forget that too.  We, or I, at least, lost an entire year while that year just kept happening anyway.

I remember a sense of denial and hoping I wasn't in denial and then fishing out my N-95s and masks and bandanas from my Burning Man bins because... well, you know, just in case (denial.)

I remember times of not wanting to leave the house at all.  Not at all.  And managing to get myself out for a walk and wearing a bandana to pull up if anyone got close or if I got too close to them or I don't even know... to show I was aware?  To let people know I was safe because I was taking precautions?

I remember trying not to touch ANYTHING and not touching my face at all and feeling like every surface everywhere was possibly going to make me sick enough to die.  And oh the horrible horrible stories I never should have read about the deaths.  The things I won't repeat here because if you missed them at the time you don't need to hear them now... but oh how I was unable to stop myself while knowing it was making me so afraid and that that fear was sending stress hormones through my body and those stress hormones were working against my immune system and so I KNEW I shouldn't keep reading them but I did... I kept reading them and maybe it was some attempt to shock that denial out of my system, I don't know.  But I remember talking to my counsellors.... you know, once they figured out how to deliver service online... and saying how I was horrified by the stories and knew I shouldn't keep reading them and searching them out but that I also couldn't help it.

And I remember feeling guilty? talking to my counsellors about it because they were going through the same thing and I didn't want to bring them more fear and who was helping them through while they were trying to help me through?

March 17th is stuck in my brain as the day our Prime Minister asked us to go into lockdown but again it's not a date I can confirm with a quick google search.  But a year.  A year of this.  But an inconsistent year.  A year of upset.  A year of vocal divide.  A year of unknown.  Distress.  Financial unknown for so many.  A year of unsettled.  And for many, a year of fear.

I think a lot of folks may have had their first introduction to anxiety this last year and that's, well that's a bit unfortunate but I also hope it gave some folks some empathy for those who live with it, you know, in non pandemic times as well... 

And at this time a year ago we hadn't really gotten into much of the anti-this or that rhetoric, which, oh man, do I ever wish that phase had lasted.  

I remember a year ago feeling like there was a buzz of unhappy stress anxiety energy everywhere.  People were starting to wear masks and gloves and I started shopping at off hours and I started stocking up on canned goods (BUT NOT TOILET PAPER, remember that!!!!????) and things to "get me through" if the chain of supply was broken and that might have been the first time I worried a bit about living on an island because we weren't sure that ferries would be allowed to keep running.  I've since learned that apparently we get most of our supplies by boat but if I'd known that at the time the fear would have been the same (and yes, I remember seeing shipping boats "stuck" out there waiting for permission to keep going...)

A year of this you guys.  A year.  A year that doesn't feel like a year but that has been more draining than a year and I have struggled a lot this year.  And many of us have.  Most of us have.  At least a little.

I wish I could wish this all away... have I mentioned that before?  Just gone.  Yeah?

Let's try that shall we?  Pretty sure we'd have a massive collective wish power if we all gave it a go.

Hope Shut Off Valve

I'm not wanting to start a political anything here, I'm just wanting to vent.  But I am not excited about the Covid vaccine.

I'm not worried about it, I trust the science etc etc it's more that I don't think it's going to change anything.

And I was thinking about that this morning and I wonder is that me keeping my hopes low so I don't get disappointed?  Is that me not allowing myself to feel hopeful?  I don't know.

I don't like talking about Covid or masks or the vaccine with people because there is SUCH a range of understanding and beliefs and all the rest and so I don't talk much about it, or if I do, I do so carefully... 

I keep hearing "oh, things could be normal by Summer or Fall" and I just respond to that inside my head with no.

No they won't.  I'm tired of worrying and I'm tired of being numb.  I'm tired of it all and so I don't think I can afford to let myself think of a "normal" Summer or Fall.  Will I be vaccinated by Fall?  Probably?  But again, who knows.  So... maybe.

Will I, once vaccinated, suddenly go to movies and restaurants and concerts?  Nope.  I will not.  Will my friends/family?  Possibly?  I do not know.  Jason, I think, is chomping at the bit to see his friends and listen to live music again so he might jump into that stuff once it's deemed safe... or safer, but I've talked to him about it and he's not sure when he'll feel ok to do so....  I know people are fed up and I know the government and health authorities will have to make some choices in the coming months as vaccines roll out.  I know that and I know that they probably have to balance risk with public well being.  

Will I feel ok once most of us are vaccinated?  I DON'T KNOW!!!!

Will the W.H.O. ever declare this pandemic over?  Probably... at some future unknown point.  But that doesn't mean it will have gone away, or been eliminated so what will I do, how will I react?

What will happen with masks?  Will you still see people wearing them?  I think so.  What about in crowds?  What about when they're feeling under the weather?  Gods I hate wearing a mask but will I want to go maskless once I'm "allowed" to again?  I don't know.

I've never been a mosh pit person but if I had been, would I feel like being squashed up against a lot of sweaty, heavily breathing strangers again?  Soon?  Later?  Ever?  I don't know.

And no, it's not like I have to make any decisions.  It's not like I can't figure this stuff out at whatever future point.  And it's not like I can't change my mind.  What will my fear around other people look like?  What will our social fears be?

Folks now are (apparently) holding house parties and gatherings and so they'll continue to feel ok doing so.... since, you know, they feel ok doing so now.  And there are people who feel ok in restaurants right now so they'll feel ok later too.  But what about someone like me, or someone who has a family member going through cancer treatment?  Or my parents?  What will they ever feel ok doing again?  Visiting friends?  Seeing their grandkids?  Seeing me?  Will vaccinations make some folks feel entirely comfortable and others not so much?

What all have I been vaccinated from before.... bird flu or something?  And was I afraid of it then?  No, not really.  So am I afraid of it now?  No, not really.  I did need proof of vaccination if I wanted to travel though... I seem to remember that.  But am I afraid of Covid?  Yep.  Will I continue to be?  I don't know.  Maybe?  Will I have to learn to live with it?  Will something else come along and do this all over again?  I DO NOT KNOW AND I HATE IT ALL.

So, yeah... I'm not going down the road of hope, but I'm also not stopping anyone else from doing so.  I just don't know and I do try to manage my anxiety around illness but also be smart and careful.

I just wish it would all go away.  Like boom, poof, gone, bye bye no more and we could just forget about it in time.  

I hate constantly thinking about where my hands have been and not touching my face and if my mask is protective enough and being so constantly vigilant.  I hate it.

Sigh.

So Sleepy

I was unusually (for me) sleepy this weekend.  More specifically, after I ate.

Not that I'm saying I ate well, mind you, which may be part of it, but still.... I definitely noticed the pattern of chomping down and then having to will myself to stay awake!

"Well have a nap why don't you!"  Well, see, I did.  On Saturday.  Just a wee half hour one, but then that night it took ages to fall asleep and you know I like me sleep when I can have it so I wasn't willing to risk another nap, no sirree!

I got a walk in on Sunday.  Hilariously, mind you, as it was sunny and calm before and sunny and calm after, but the last 15 or so minutes of my walk (heading home, phew!) were WINDY and RAINY and I'm pretty sure I got hit by sleet!  And then I ate and all the sleepy hit me despite the exercise that should have boosted my energy?

Perhaps it's the stress of the last couple of weeks of (workplace) going and that has been an awful lot of stress and particularly draining, so maybe it was that sort of attempting to catch up with me.  Plus did I mention not eating all that well but I LOVE CARBS SO MUCH OH MAN!!!

Am hoping this week is more energetic.

And that any future walks I take are not quite as exciting as the one I took on Sunday!

Sooooooooo

I got super stressed that I didn't have photos ready for this week's posts and it got me so stressed out (anxious) that I was not going to write anything at all and then I went hey, you know what?  Just write posts with no photos.  No one will die.  No one will care enough to like track you down and yell at you from outside your apartment.  And if someone is really really upset by a lack of photos that's a them thing not a you thing and well, it would actually be kind of, if I may, a little weird and unsettling that that was a big deal to them so.... yeah.  Just write some posts, man!

So, yeah.  Heya....  here's a post, without a photo, YAY!

The last two "mornings" (I say that because I don't know timing exactly just it felt more like morning than middle of the night?) I've had basically the same stress dream.  Which is a little unusual.

In these dreams I've been packing (usually a younger me) to move.  And I've left it too late.  Like the one dream it was the day before and my room had so much stuff and I hadn't really packed anything at all and I was so stressed and upset about having left it all so late and not having enough time and there being so much stuff and no boxes and that dream I sort of re-focussed by realizing I could probably hire someone to do all the packing and so it would cost a lot but probably get done.

The next one was left until the morning of and we (parents and I) had to actually catch a flight that ... day? and so I was trying to pack all my clothes in the suitcase like you see them do in movies when they just take the stuff off the rack and just stuff it in the suitcase, except I was at least semi folding it while trying to make more room... but I was so upset and crying because there was not enough room for all my clothes and we were leaving the country and I didn't want to lose the rest of my stuff by just leaving it there but I knew I had been supposed to be packing for ages now but I'd not done it and had probably just gone to play with my friends instead and I wasn't able to "fix" that dream because there wasn't enough time to hire anyone and there were no boxes or anything and we had to leave for the airport so it was just terribly upsetting and I'm wondering why my brain picked that particular scenario to use as its stress relief programming?

Because yes, I am anxious about some stuff that is time constrained and I worry that if I leave things to the last minute I will "lose out" or something.  (I am struggling with time pressure anxiety right now... it's not super fun).

But I don't have any moves or travel coming up soon (I have been wondering about maybe a camping trip locally so maybe that's the "packing" my brain is using???) and I'm not young me anymore.... maybe I could keep analyzing it or I could just shake it off and say that it seems my brain is stressed and has come up with a convenient stress story to try to let some of it out.

Pack your boxes before the day you have to move guys!  Way less stressful that way!

An Amused Frustration

I'm on the second book of a series (The Expanse series) and I'm nearing the end and frustrated!

I'm frustrated because I have a sense that the book isn't going to end in a way that makes me ok with not reading the next book.  And the library doesn't have anything beyond the first book, so I treated myself to the second for Christmas and now I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to read the third (and more?) and books are not in my budget!!!!

I suspect my brother might have the series but it's Covid and we're not visiting and so I'm not asking.  Plus I actually hate borrowing books from folks, it makes me quite anxious and I feel a lot of pressure, so there's that.

I have other books to read of course, and I can wait to read the next one, if I do feel I "need" to read it, but argh.  I just kind of wanted to read another and move on and now I think that's not going to happen!!!

I might try requesting that the library bring in the rest of the series.  And I've also already priced out the book at the local store so.... who knows.  Who knows indeed!

Most excellent "problems" to have, amiright? 

Edited to add:  WAIT WAIT WAIT GUESS WHAT?????  After I wrote this I signed in to the library and THEY HAVE IT!!!!  I think maybe someone else must have suggested the get the series because they don't quite seem to exist in the system yet but they exist more than last time I looked and so YAY I won't have to buy it after all WOO HOOOO!!!!! LIBRARIES RULE!

In Your Head, In Your Heaaaad, Zombie, Zombie, Zombie e e

I was thinking the other day that so much of my UGH is very likely from me being so far into my own head. (Hence the almost unavoidable if you're my age ear worm).

For example... as I was thinking ahead to going into (workplace) I thought my way through what all I should bring in with me.  Like in a carry bag sort of thing. (If that makes sense... since I'm "volunteering" for lack of a better term, I don't have the usual workspace to store stuff. Long story, don't talk about work blah blah blah...)

So... snack.  Waterbottle.  Spare mask.  Gloves?  Mask filter.  Face wash.  Cloth for face wash.  Hand sanitizer.  Bags to put wash and sanitizer in in case they leak.  Ear saver.  Probably something else that I forget right now and I'm not getting off my couch to go look in the bag.

And I've taken this bag in to (workplace) a few times now and the only thing I've used out of it is the snack, and water bottle.  Oh and I store my purse in there I guess.

Which made me start to wonder... how often does my "planning" actually cause me anxiety?  Because why did I think through all those things?  I was thinking of worst case sort of scenarios.  Or ok, not actual worst case, but like "I might need" for a reason sort of things.  Like a spare mask in case I sneezed into mine or needed a new one for some reason.  That means my brain is "worried" that I'm going to sneeze or that something will happen that means I need an extra mask with me.  

This isn't *just* an anxiety thing, I've always been the person who has a few Asprin in her purse and probably some Kleenex too and in University a friend made a nickname for me around it suggesting I'm always prepared.

Same when I've gone to Burning Man.  Some folks pretty much wing it.  I take allergy meds and stomach meds and anti nausea and anti diarrhea meds and so on and so on.  And do I use them?  Not usually, but I would rather have them and not use them than wish I had them and need them.  You know?

But I did start to wonder if this kind of "really well prepared"-ness actually gives me un-necessary anxiety.  Because my brain is maybe in part assuming that these bad things will happen.  Has at least in a small way anticipated them happening.

Now, I don't want to turn into someone who is un-prepared, but maybe if I can put together the stuff and then really tell myself that I will likely not need these things and so there's no need to worry or anticipate them happening?  Like maybe if I can just make sure my brain (worry brain) understands this isn't predicting anything, it's just being prepared to make my life a little easier in the rare case something does happen.

But I guess for (workplace) I'm sort of like, well..... it's not like it's a camping trip in the middle of nowhere.  It's, you know, a workplace, where if something goes "wrong", I can just adjust for next time.

Maybe it's a Covid specific thing too.  Because if I were doing this any other year, my "carry bag" would have snacks and water bottle and that's probably it.  And maybe it's normal for me to be a little extra nervous/anxious about being outside of my year-long comfort zone.  So maybe I'm over thinking the over thinking?

But whatever the case, I will be watching out for myself in case I need to calm myself from... my... self.

And maybe after a while I'll leave the bag in the trunk or something.  (Although it's not really a big deal to carry it in with me so... yeah.  Dunno.)

It Has Always Been Real To Me

A year ago right now, one of my American friends was coming back from some sort of IT conference thing.  She'd been nervous about going, because Covid was rapidly becoming an issue, but her bosses sent her and so she figured it was safe.

When she returned home, she learned that one of her friends whom she had hugged and spent time with and talked with had been diagnosed with Covid.  She was scared.  For him, and of course for herself.  

He was hospitalized.  She was very worried.

And then, sadly, he died.  Of Covid. She was devastated.

I often think about how extra hard this has been for my friends in the states, and especially for this friend who lost someone right away at the very start of it all and so knew first hand that it was real and deadly.  

I have had people in the last year challenge me with "well do you actually know anyone who has died from it???" and since I didn't know my friend's friend directly, I have to answer with "no, not directly" but that seemed to be almost an excuse people would use (I imagine, out of fear, to be honest) that things were being blown out of proportion.

I don't know why I'm talking about this other than my friend brought it up in a chat the other day and she's having a hard time with the anniversary of his death.

So this virus touched me, indirectly, from the very start and it's strange to see the dates roll by... a year later.  It's still a lot and I know I'm nowhere near processing anything much at all.

That may take years, or may never happen.  I don't know.  I just know writing this has made me uncomfortable and I can feel anxiety rising up so I'm going to sign off for now.  Stay safe, stay well, take care of yourselves. 

Yes, I'm About To Complain, Sorry...

So.... masks.

Masks, masks, masks, masks, masks.

Up until quite recently, I've only worn masks for a short period of time (quickly in and out of a store to pick up an order, going in/out of my apartment building), or on a practitioner's table (massage, acupuncture...).  Now that I've worn my mask for a longer period of time (several hours rather than maaaaybe an hour and a half) I'm finding the issues most other folks have probably already dealt with this last year.

Like the first day I went into (workplace) and grabbed my water bottle and went, well crap... now I have to think about drinking water rather than just... you know, drinking it!  (Minor inconvenience, and can be easily worked around.)

There's also the issue of not being able to hear each other very well.  Especially if there's the addition of the plexiglass barrier on top of that.  I'd already encountered this at the few stores I'd gone into and every time I kind of end up wiggling my way to the side of the barrier to hear/be heard and then going back behind it.  (And yes, I feel very much for those with hearing issues, I can't even imagine, honestly how the lack of lip reading affects so many right now.)

So far I'm still figuring out the "mask acne" so I don't want to jinx it by saying so far so good but..... keep your fingers crossed (and thanks for the advice!)  Still figuring that out though for sure.

My biggest "complaint" (which, yes, it is a complaint, I'm not sure why I put it in quotations...) is that the loop/elastic thingies pull on my ear.  JUST THE ONE.  My left ear.  I don't know if my face is crooked and I'm guessing my ears are but just the left ear is pretty darn irritated by the... I'm not even sure, the pressure?  The rubbing?  I don't know!!!  And yes, I have the "ear savers" but I haven't managed to get them to be functional yet but I'll be trying them out this week.  And, no, I'm not complaining about the "dumbo" ears I get... that's something I could totally live with, it's the sore ear that's getting to me.  Sigh.

I feel like maybe the masks I have might not be the best fit but I also don't want to just keep ordering random masks to try, you know?

And there is the whole... because each mask is slightly different (even though from the same company) some of them are a bit short and if I talk they pop off my chin, argh.  Or ride up into my eyes.  And don't even get me started on wearing glasses, I just don't!

And aside from being in (workplace), for whatever reason, when I went to get help for my neck/shoulder/rib thing, somehow the position of the face holder thing was such that I got a dent/scratch? on my nose from lying on it for an hour and now my nose hurts and I did warn you that I'd be complaining!!!  (sorry, I know we all have to deal with it)

I also feel like I'm holding my jaw weird.  Or that my jaw is somehow affected by wearing the mask.  I did ask the practitioners working on my owies to see if they could help my jaw pain and oh man am I ever glad I did that.  I even made an appointment for this week just to get more/ongoing help for the jaw.  Cuz, yeah, I for sure hold my tension there and that's not helped by the oddity of wearing a mask for a longer time.

If I were to pick one of my whiny complaints to be "the worst" right now it would for sure be the sore left ear.  And my hope this week is to try to figure that out.  I wonder if I have it pulled too tight, but it's meant to be tight for protection, right?  Or if it really just is a "slightly crooked face/ear" situation and there's not much to be done about it.  Will I get used to it?  Will my ear build a callus?  I hope one of the ear saver things will work for me or something like that can be figured out.  I know there are masks you can put around the back of your head rather than loop over the ears but this is going to sound vain... then what about your hair???

I wondered about trying disposable masks, if maybe they fit differently or are lighter or something, but I'm reluctant to go disposable, and I've also found that it seems like they really make me smell my breath and, you know, sometimes that's not something I really want to add to my day!

I have been looking at other recommended cloth masks, including so called 3D ones, and I may end up ordering some to try but it's the ear thing I'm most wanting to fix.  Or, more specifically the left ear thing (although let's not curse the right ear!)

Did you ever think we'd be having this conversation.... like, ever?

It's March

It's March, so that means it's been a year of this.... pandemic for us here (I say "for us" because other countries were dealing with it months before we were).  I spent some time this morning scrolling through some of my posts from March of last year and from what I glanced at it seems my fear a year ago was mainly in the form of frustration.  Fear/anger/frustration around the folks who were going full PPE and the still bizarre to me buying up of toilet paper (of all things).  I was trying not to be worried.  I was trying to play it some sort of cool..... and so I think for the first week or two of last March I was like well THIS is weird, hardy har har and I'm super anxious but it's all like, you know, overblown um, kind of because all the other pandemics were fine... so... this is fine.  Going to be fine.  Except it maybe isn't but hey I have anxiety right now so what do I know, I'm probably just overly anxious.  Right?  God I hope so.  

March 17th is stuck in my mind as the day they put us into country-wide lockdown and well, yeah.  At the time you'd hear certain people sort of quietly saying "you know, this could be a year or two" and I heard them and I knew that could be true but I also just couldn't go there.  Thinking of "this level of stress and fear for two+ years" was too too much to take on at that time so I tried to just focus on right now as much as I could.  Surviving right now.  Being as safe as possible right now.  That's all that's it.

I've talked about some of the things I went through then and how I've maybe slightly shifted or slightly relaxed or slightly slacked, depending on how you want to look at it.  And I have had a few people quietly say to me this last week or two that they don't think this is ever going away.  One person said to me that they figure it'll be masks for ever and every year it'll be flu shot and Corona shot and I'm not enough of an expert to really comment, so I won't.  But it's a sobering thought.  And one my brain does not want to process or get stuck on right now.  

Masks hanging all around my apartment... drying from being washed, or at the door ready to be put on.  Masks in pockets and purse and car glove compartments.  Plastic gloves in car for getting gas or... whatever.  Boxes of spare disposable masks and gloves.  Containers of hand sanitizer for when there's no running water.  Lysol wipes.  Lysol wipes that you couldn't buy for months on end.  Lysol wipes that I actually just managed to order online for the first time in a year.  A YEAR.  And still random shortages of things that you wonder is that a Covid-related shortage or just... you know, a normal one?  I speak only for myself when I say there has been an almost desperate hope, not a mature one, but one that's been there nevertheless that things will just go away.  Just go back to how they were.  More care free.  Less... care full?  

I know, or at least I think I know, not being a scientist or epidemiologist (OMG did I spell that right the first time???) that Coronaviruses are all around us, constantly.  And I know that the other bacteria or viruses that cause pandemics are still around.  They don't, as I understand it, just go away.  We adapt, we vaccinate or treat and we manage them.  But do I want to face a future ongoing world where we are constantly masked?  Well no, I personally do not because I am still really struggling with masks.  But the flip side of that is how many people this year have said "well you know.... I haven't even gotten a cold, not even a sniffle... maybe we should wear masks forever?" and yes, yes yes yes I actually totally agree with this... in practice.  How many times in the past have we gone to work or a gathering or concert or movie or whatever with a cold or run down or with sniffles or not very well.  I remember a concert I DIDN'T go to because I was sick and I really really wanted to.  My friend tried to convince me... I'll bring you soup and a blanket! she said.  But I didn't feel up to it, but I would have.  I would have and even if that cold was less contagious than Covid-19 is, I still would likely have spread illness to someone.  Or someones.  But we just.... did that.  We'd struggle through a work day, un masked, and unwell and you've probably experienced one of those times when everyone just got sick in a cascade.  Like oh, now we're all home sick at once because we all somehow got the flu or the cold and well yeah... haven't heard about that happening the same way this year.... at least not the people I talk to. 

I won't touch on the whole "anti-masker" thing right now because I don't have the energy to and it's not new, it's just .... as discussed before, social media and the internet shoves everything in our face so so much more than newspapers or even tv news did "back in the day".  I try to focus on all the people wearing masks, and I'm sure many of them are like me... not loving the experience... for whatever reason, but doing it anyway.  Doing it for others.  For themselves.  For social acceptance.  Because it's the law.  I don't care WHY they're doing it, just that they are.  And there are SO MANY people wearing masks and trying.  Trying to be healthy and not make others sick.  And that's what I try to look at and focus on and pay attention to.

So we're in March.  And last March was a doozie.  A doozie of a doozie.  I wonder how this one will go and if it'll go by at a far more normal pace than last March did.  So here's to a year.  Stay well my friends, and keep on keeping on.  *hugs* (but you know, only virtual...)

ArgleBargle

So I had my first "volunteer" thing at "workplace" this week.

I was, as you can imagine, nervous as BLEEEEEEEEP leading up to it, and the strategy I used to survive the days leading up to it amounted to pretty much "ignore".  As in... well, I'm not going to (workplace) today, so let's not think about it. (My counsellor said this week that that's totally a legit thing to do so there you go!)

Anxiety aside, it went pretty darn well, actually.  I had thought I'd hide in a back space where no one would see me and that I'd be unrecognizable in my mask anyway but as I navigated my way around the spy building people recognized me anyway and were like Victoria!????  What are you doing here?  SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!  Which was nice.  Like, I was genuinely surprised at how nice it was to have people happy to see me.  And how nice it was to see people.  I also was reassured by all the protocols in place.  Were people perfect with them?  Of course not, but there was effort and that counts.  I have my own protocols and, well, it will be what it will be, right?  

I'm not sure I'll talk much about this process, due to my whole "don't talk about work" thing but I went, I got through it.  I did the best I could to be Covid-aware (or whatever) and yes, I was exhausted and drained that evening and the next day.  Slept pretty solidly that night though, yay.

I'd be happy to just be like ok done!  I did it, it went well, all done!  And not do any more, but I guess that's not how things work even though that's how I'd like it to work..... sigh.

I guess the "rehab" (for lack of a better term) is to slowly work up the amount of time I can tolerate and then transition to paid work rather than this "volunteering" (I think of it like job shadowing kinda?) but baby steps... one step at a time.  I kind of lose my sh*t if I think too far ahead.  And by "too far" I mean beyond this week.  Sigh.

So yeah, no guarantees I will talk about this ever again, but I'd mentioned it so I wanted to mention it had happened.

Now, shhhhh, let's talk about the weather again instead ok!? YAY WEATHER IS WEATHER-Y!!!

Gimme A Head With Hair!

My hair has gotten suddenly very long.

I know that that's technically and scientifically not possible but that's absolutely how it feels.

I had a cut in... (I forget...) Summer/late Spring?  It was during Covid anyway and I was nervous about it, but it was long then.  We gave it a good chop at the time and I didn't book another appointment... we both forgot I guess.  I made an appointment a chunk of months later and it was for the end of December.  As that date approached I got more and more uncomfortable (we were all worried there would be an uncontrolled spike from Christmas and people choosing to gather) and I cancelled that appointment.  My hair was already fairly long at that point but nothing major.

What happened when I finally made my Spring/Summer appointment last year was that my hair had gotten so heavy it wouldn't stay in a bun or ponytail it was just too heavy.  And that's happening again now, so I called, but she took February off so the first appointment she could fit me in is for the end of March.  

And now my hair feels and looks really long.  Like, reallllly long, for me anyway.  It's down to the middle of my back at least and it really does feel like there was some overnight shift or something where it went from long to dude..... long.

It's awkward because as it gets warmer, I put my hair up for temperature control and when I'm at home I don't care if the "bun" is sideways and crooked and half falling out, it's just up and out of the way.  But now that I'm kind of out in public for the work-related stuff I need to look presentable and, well, the hair's too long and heavy for that right now, d'oh!

Oh, and one of the other small frustrations with it is that it tangles at the drop of a hat.  Weirdly (to me at least) really only the right hand side, but yeah, it knots pretty nastily and sometimes I have no idea why.  Like, I know if I wear a scarf or something around my neck area it will tangle (thanks right hand under hair!) But sometimes it'll tangle/knot from ... I don't even know... walking?  So it's not so much that I dislike it, but it has a bunch of things it does now that make my life a little more complex than it needs to be.

But really.  It's like those growth spurts you see kids do when they're one day a little kid and the next day you're like damn, you're not a child any more!  Feels like my hair did that.  Kinda long, kinda long, kinda long, BAM, LOOOOOOOOONG.

I dunno, it's just weird.

I have quite long hair right now.  Not long enough to be of note, but quite long for me (I usually keep it around my shoulders).  Going to be a good few inches chopped off in a month or so from now!

 

The Weather Broke My Car!

Ok, total click bait title there but a tiny bit true anyway!

Our cold snap the other week had cold temperatures, wind chill and then snow.  The first snow was on a Friday night and I drove home when it had just started to stick and I didn't drive it again until the roads were clear and the weather had warmed up.  (I wasn't avoiding driving, I just didn't need to so it wasn't an issue.)

By the time I did take my car out again, the streets were clear if wet, and there was snow piles around but I don't think I drove through any. It had also warmed up significantly and my weather app suggested it was around 6 (Celcius).  My car's "external temperature" thingy said it was minus 2.  I was pretty sure it wasn't minus two but maybe where I had parked it was colder and would warm up?  Nope.  -2.

Uh oh.

Next day, I drive it somewhere again.  This time the weather apps tell me it's somewhere around 8 degrees.  My car says it's negative two.  Crap.

I google sensor information for my vehicle.  No way to reset the system.  Hmmm... what to do.  I mean it's not like I can't live without knowing what the outside temperature is, but I don't like my instruments to be off and I'm used to having an idea of what the temperature outside is....

Next day.  Warm outside again.  Car now says -1.  Ok, progress!  It's moved!

And the next day I drove the system seemed to have fixed itself and was saying.... whatever. plus 6 or 8 or whatever it was, YAY!  No need to take it in anywhere.  (I had considered taking the battery out for a minute to see if that reset things, but no need to do anything anymore!)

My best guess is that the week of v. cold and very little driving confused the system somehow (since it is older now?)  Jason's guess is that maybe some snow got up to where the sensor is (near the radiator area or something?) and froze and maybe didn't unfreeze?  That kind of makes sense to me too, but I didn't like having something like that not working on my car and it kind of made me wary about my car now being older than I'd like to think it is (it's a 2010 after all, and that date keeps getting farther and farther away.... sigh) and that I'm not in a financial position to try for a new or newer car and, well, I'm attached to my car anyway but things and parts do age.  Even if I would rather they didn't.

So yeah, the weather broke my car.  Just a little.  I don't know how or why, and it seems to have fixed itself but that was a first!

Marching Along

I keep seeing a tweet or a meme going around that says, like "how can March be next month when March was also last month" or something along those lines and I feel like I know exactly that feeling.  
Last March just happened.  I swear.  Probably because it was so traumatic or frightening or unusual or different or difficult or strange or unexpected or like NOTHING ANY OF US HAD EVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE or all of the above.  It maybe got seared into our brains in a way we didn't recognize fully at the time but March was just here.  Like... just.  So how is it it's a full year ago?  How?  Sure, I remember some of the moments of that span of time.

George Floyd and BLM.  My Covid test.  Summer and heat.  Birthdays at a distance.  Backyard distant visit with a friend.  The American election.  (We had one here too, a byelection, but I voted by mail and kind of forgot about it).  The American... other stuff.... insurrection.  All the upset.  Bad months.  October was awful.  January was really hard.  Oh, right, Christmas, and my birthday and we just finished talking about Valentine's day right?  So I KNOW all these things happened, I was there, I remember them, but the year that has apparently just passed doesn't feel like a year.  It just doesn't.

And when the snow started to melt and get rained away this last while I got a little sad.  That's really the last of Winter.  And honestly, we had a super mild winter here, we really did.  We had a couple of cold stretches and this last one had snow (the one previous snow fall was really patchy) and now it won't get cold again for months.  It's Spring now.  I'm not saying it's warm and sunny, I'm saying that's it for Winter.  We're on the warming path now.  The flip side.  The days even turned around mid December, you know?  But yeah, once February is over, we don't get those freezing days.  We can have cold days or wet days or chilly days but not like we just had.  We may even get a dusting of snow in Spring, but Winter is over.  And that made me sad.  We skipped Winter and while that's ok it's also a reminder of time passing.

Plus I'm already getting anxious about Summer heat and do you know how annoying it is that part of my brain does that?  Anticipates future bad?  Future discomfort?  GAH I hate it.  I do.  So I tell myself to just focus on now.  Focus on how the weather is now and maybe tomorrow or this week.  Sigh.

I don't want February to be over.  Even though the "winter months" are often my hardest of the year, there are things coming up for me and my life in Spring that I am scared about and so I'm wishing time would slow... or something.

Time. A Week?

A week ago (I'm writing this on Sunday to post on Monday) we were having our second day of snow.  I was, of course, thrilled with this, in part because last Monday was a holiday so it felt like good timing, as not SO many folks would have to try to make it through the snow to work.  

(Funny though, as I type that a small part of my brain went "well people are working at home anyway because of the pandemic and the same folks who didn't go into lockdown initially probably still had to work during a snow day and a stat holiday... sigh.")

A week ago I was starting to feel some relief from whatever had gone on with my upper back/neck/shoulder.  And a week ago I guess was Valentine's day although honestly the snow made that kind of a low priority for me... and combined with Covid it really felt like a non day, which was nice rather than the occasional "woe is me cuz I'm single on Valentine's day" I've sometimes felt.  Like, yeah, it was literally a Sunday that had snow.  Awesome.

I did manage to get an appointment to see someone about the neck issue and their best guess is that I put a rib (an upper rib) out.  By sleeping.  Like by sleeping too well and too deeply I pulled something or something that yanked the rib into a not so good position which then upset all the muscles and nerves and other science-y things in the area and well, ok.  I can believe it.  

I don't think I talked about the pain thing other than telling you that it had happened and I was non functional but I literally woke up two Wednesdays ago and thought "oh, I slept funny, my neck is a little sore" (because that happens from time to time, usually if I sleep in but anyway...)  I lay in bed thinking my neck was a little off but no big deal but by the time I got up and got my day going it was a very big deal.

I do not remember the last time I was in that much pain, honestly.  I couldn't tell where it was coming from.  It sort of seemed to almost migrate?  Right-sided though, until the other muscles tensed up from me "guarding" against the intense pain.  So it was like is this my neck?  My shoulder?  My back?  And my only guess was that it had something to do with sleep as I'd not done anything physical of note in the day or days before.

I tried heat.  I tried ice.  I tried Robaxacet (over the counter muscle relaxant) and Advil and Tylenol, I tried alllll the rubs and lotions in my house.  Nothing worked.  Nothing even seemed to touch it.  It was really bad you guys.

There was a moment (sorry, TMI!) where I went to pee and I couldn't because the pain of sitting was too intense and so I sat there and cried trying to just... pee!  (I did, eventually, somehow... putting my head into my lap or something weird like that, I know!!!)

I did go for a walk, figured it was worth some fresh air and it was a genuine surprise that doing that actually gave some relief.  I felt fine on the walk and for a little while after.  It was heaven.  But as I said to C-Dawg when I called her, I can't just walk forever!

I thought sleeping would give some relief and I threw on my old foam neck "brace" (which I've done for years when my neck gets funky... post car accident and all) and I took whatever pain relievers but I wasn't able to sleep.  Every move, every motion woke me all the way up with the pain.  I'd try to wedge my head between the two pillows straight and flat on my bed but I'd drift off and try to roll/move and the pain would wake me up again.  It was awful.

I had about three nights like that... very little sleep.  I'd manage to get a couple of straight hours in the morning in that "flat on back" position and some mornings I'd wake up feeling like, ok, it got better!  And then as my day went on it proved it still wasn't happy. 

I saw Jason on Friday, just before the snow started and he made us dinner (food is good for helping the body) and then gave me a gentle back rub sort of thing and that did help, even if it was just relaxing the angry muscles around the area/injury...

The snow over that weekend meant I couldn't really go for a walk properly, but I did bundle up and get out into the snow a little so that was nice.  And good.  And really cheered me up.  And it's not that I was judging the people who got stuck.... but I maybe did pat myself on the back for choosing not to drive... ahem.!

OH, and on Thursday, so the second day of "neck" pain but the day before the snow, we had our second day, or maybe third?  I forget, of serious cold and wind chill and I even went for a walk in that (something at the post office had to get picked up...) and the irony is I didn't wear my mask but if I had it would have kept my damn face warm in like whatever it was minus ten?  The rest of my gear did great, but yeah, my face was cold, and damn red when I got home.  And that was maybe 10 minutes there and 10 minutes back.  Go figure.  

So, yeah, a week ago, we'd had serious wind chill and a drop in temperature and then snow that no one really believed would happen but it totally seriously did and my neck had gotten better but still wasn't great and I'd made an appointment to have someone figure it out and help but it was still a bunch of days away and now it's a week later and it feels like it happened so long ago.

I mean I can still go see snow piles if I want.  Piles made by machines are the only ones really left at this point.  I did, however, find a pile of carrots and I felt sad for the former snowman!  But the snow feels like so long ago now and the small piles still around at the edges of driveways are kind of weird to see.

So this week was kind of a time warp I guess.  I explained to someone that pain is seriously awful and kind of all consuming so maybe that's why the time went extra weird for me.... I don't know.

My neck/rib/shoulder/whatever does seem to be continuing to improve although it's sore from the treatment on Friday (as they said it would be) and I think I sort of... un-did some of the fixing by accident and so this weekend wasn't the most physically comfortable...

So yeah.  Last week feels like way longer ago than just a week.  It's weird. 

Apologies

I put my neck out.  Or something.  I legit have no idea.  Upper back?  Shoulder?  Neck?  All of the above?  Anyway, woke up with it so seriously messed up on Wednesday morning and it's been a long long time since I've been in this much pain so writing has not been a priority.

It snowed though, so that was lovely, and amazing and well timed (over the long weekend... although many did still have to attempt to travel to/from work).

Am improving slightly every day (knock on wood) but sleep is hard to have.  I have appointments on Friday that I'm really hoping will help (OH PLEASE) and I will get around to posting once I can find a position where I can type for more than a few moments at a time.

Thankful for all the pain free days I usually have.  Really really thankful.  And thankful for all the good nights' sleeps I get.  Moar pls!

A Borrowed Worry

One of the things I'm quite worried about... soon, is me needing to wear a mask for longer (when I start spending time around others.... with the whole... you know.... thing I don't want to talk about thing.)

I have a touch of claustrophobia.  Sometimes it's better than others (I once was unable to get on a busy elevator when Jason and I went to Vancouver for a concert a few years ago...but other times I just pop right on in.)

I have found a few times that this can be triggered by wearing a mask.

I first found out about this at Burning Man.  You get dust storms out there.  Some mild, some whiteout condition (some brutal and extended) and you really should wear a mask to protect your lungs from that dust/particulate matter.  So when I first went to Burning Man, I bought N95 masks.  (And after that first trip, a reusable one with ...uh, exhaust ports?  that is no good for Covid because it doesn't protect others.)

First time I put on a serious mask, vs the bandana I use most commonly during mild dust storms, I got panicky.  It felt like I couldn't get air.  And that's the kind of thing that once you start thinking about it it gets worse and worse.  (Panic begets panic I suppose.)

At that time, the choice I made was to take off the heavy duty mask and just wear my bandana so I could calm down a little.  But there have been times I've been in a white out of a dust storm (and could tell it might be a long time til the air cleared) and I knew I needed more filtering than the bandana so I pulled on the serious mask and did my best to keep calm.  (It helps that the last time this happens it was at night so the heat was manageable so I didn't feel quite so much like I was suffocating.)

Since mask wearing became a thing in what Burners call " the default world", I've chosen to not put myself in public very often, so haven't dealt with mask wearing all that much.  And when we were in lock down, I wasn't going anywhere at all.  And when things did open up again, like massage and acupuncture, the practitioners wore a mask but I had the option to not wear a mask and so I would talk to them about the fact I was barely leaving the house and that I would prefer to be maskless (when face down.)

When our province instituted the mask mandate, not wearing a mask in sessions was no longer an option and so during massage and acupuncture for the last while I've been wearing a mask during treatment.  And I have had to deal with the mental struggle that comes along with that.  The feeling of not being able to breathe.  And especially when face down, really really feeling like I wasn't able to breathe.  Which, to be honest, has made me want to skip appointments as they're no longer as relaxing as they used to be, but I know how much my body appreciates the appointments, so I have kept them.  But I do struggle, even when face up, with the panic.

Oh, and my face quite likes to have little mask acne breakouts when I wear a mask for a length of time so that's a fun bonus!  (NOT!)

I've also noticed, of course, that exertion while wearing a mask is not my favourite thing.  Again, anxiety without masks often messes up breathing for me.  I had a panic attack once in a meditation course because we were to focus on our breath and I over-thought and freaked out.  So adding the mask to exertion that causes changes in breathing?  That triggers anxiety or panic for me.

I am aware that I could say that I'm medically unable to wear a mask and, like, not wear a mask but I am SO not about to do that.  I know that wearing a mask keeps myself and others safer, and that's my priority.  

I'm thankful I don't have an actual breathing issue like asthma or bad allergies or anything and I'm not expecting a whole lot of exertion while mask wearing to happen, but I am awarely nervous that wearing a mask for longer periods than "just popping into the library" or "going downstairs to check for mail" might bring some struggles for me.  I am aware of that, and nervous about it, and not sure what I'm going to do if it becomes an issue.  Ask for a break I suppose and see if I can go outside, remove the mask and get some deep breaths?  I don't know.  Hopefully I don't have to find out.

And as for the breakouts... I will try to wash my face more... although I don't think I'll be able to do that at workplace, or in my car on the way home, so.... *shrug*.  And I have super sensitive skin so I can't bring along like, I dunno a wipe or something.... I mentioned it to C-Dawg and she told me about a colleague who had an issue with this and that person bought a spray with salicylic (I had to google that and it still tells me I've spelled it wrong?) acid in it and sprays down her masks, so I might try that... although I did give a mask a spray with it the other day and then got all panicky anyway because of the light scent... sigh.

I hope, I really hope that I'm borrowing worry and that's it's a non issue.  I hope I have no concerns or problems wearing my mask for longer periods of time.  (I also should really probably wear the filters that I bought for my mask that I haven't been using since I don't go anywhere... but that's another layer of difficulty breathing so it's hard to know.) Sigh.

C-Dawg told me it took her a bit but that she's totally used to wearing her mask for a full work day now, so I figure that will happen for me too.  I also know some masks give me more of a problem than others, and unfortunately I think that means the ones that stress me are protecting me better but, hey, you know... I'm doing the best I can, right???

I know some professions have always worn masks all day every day and I bless them for that and I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that honestly, I've had a few panic attacks here and there (even pre-Covid) from wearing a mask and I'm anticipating I may have to work through that in the coming... chunk of time.

Sigh.

Life...

I am lucky to still have both of my parents alive and well.  I am so grateful for this.  But on the same page, having parents who are aging is a special kind of difficulty.  Reconciling the facts and truths of their changing abilities and the growing, I don't know, struggles?  It's hard.

I'm someone who didn't grow up with relatives around, so I didn't have grandparents, so I don't have a lot of experience with older folks, and I have no real "oh I remember when my Grandpa/Aunt/Whoever got old and...." times to have learned from.

The only older people I spent any time with was when I was in pre-school (so younger than 5) and my Mom volunteered at the stroke society and there were "old" people (I have no actual idea how old they were) with diminished abilities (due to the stroke) and I would spend time with them.  But they were that way when I met them, so even then, other than with the one man, Ken, that I knew the most, I never saw deterioration.  (With Ken, he carved me little figures, and when he had a second stroke, the detail in his carvings was lost, even as I child I could see this change.)

I don't quite know how to handle the slips I notice my parents making.  Pre-pandemic, a few years back I talked with them a bit about things and my Dad specifically asked that I not point out when he had forgotten something I'd told him.  He asked me just to tell him again, not to "get frustrated and say UGH I TOLD you already!!!"  So I try.  But there's also that kid/teen/child inside me that remembers my young Mom and Dad.  Possibly when they were around the age I am now.  And, no, I don't want them to change.  Not at all.  And of course I'm aware they will die.  I'd rather they wouldn't but I don't seem to have a fix for that... but sometimes this aging thing is hard to navigate.  Most especially during this pandemic time when nothing is in person.  And I'm so not wanting to hurt any feelings.  And we're all human, and communication by text is terrible.  Phone, email and FaceTime are only so good.  I hate to say it out loud but I see them aging.  And I hate it.

Life is so imperfect, and some of the things we go through are not easy.  

And I should say, my parents are aging really really well... but they're still aging.  

(What I really wanted to say is "having aging parents is a special kind of hell isn't it?" because that's the thought I had lying in bed last night.)

Babble Vent

I'm not asking for correction here, or for placation or sympathy... I'm venting and babbling in an attempt to figure stuff out.

I am bad at things.  I am bad at things I would like to be good at.  And I am also not doing anything to change my level of ability.

Like, nothing at all.  And then I hate myself for it and then I get mad at myself for being mean to myself and still nothing changes.

I suppose I'm talking about skills.  Skills that also can and often do involve talent, but I'll ignore the talent part for now.

I'm most often talking about things within the creative realm.  Painting, drawing, writing, building things, playing instruments... creating something.... I am (in my view) bad at so many of those things.  And I compare myself constantly to experts.  Or if not experts, at least to folks who have spent a lot of time learning and trying and practising and working and honing their skill or craft (and who probably have talent in that area as well.) Like I listen to a song by the Tragically Hip and I think man, I wish I could write like Gord.  I can't play guitar like Paul.  And I can't perform as freely as Gord did.  And then my brain continues with.. therefore I SUCK.

Sometimes I do try.  I play my ukulele, I even recorded a song I made up a few summers ago titled "it's too hot to sleep now" because it was too hot to sleep.  And when I played it back it was... awful.  Even if I thought it was maybe half decent at the time and I wondered about finding someone to play with and flesh it out and then I heard it again and was like OMG I am terrible.

But do I try?  Do I push myself?  Do I spend time every day (or even most days or any days) learning or practicing?  NOPE!

Have I bought books?  Instruction manual type books?  Yep.  Am I aware of the internet and the likely endless tools to help?  Yup!  Am I aware there is some cycle happening here?  Yes.

I used to be able to draw quite well.  I know this because I have the physical evidence.  Like I done did draw that there thing, *I* did.

But now when I try I don't like what I see and I keep giving up.

Is it possibly partly due to me being unwell for a few years now with depression and anxiety?  Possibly, but "taking it easy on myself" only lessens the unkind internal words, it has yet to motivate me to do daily anything.

I mean I exercise daily.  Perhaps not as much as I could or "should" (god I hate that word and what it does to me), but I do.  I move every day.  Maybe that's more fair to say.  I move every day.  I get steps in.  I raise my heart rate.  I do that every day, so I know I am capable of doing something every day.

And I have done photography 365 (one a day) projects before and I have gotten degrees from Universities and so I know I'm capable of study and learning and regular practice.  I just can't quite put my finger on why I'm not doing this with things I think I would actually like to be working on... Writing.  Art (especially realism and drawing).  Music.  And yes, my fitness level, although that's not in the same realm.  

You know I don't set myself up with resolutions anymore, and this year has had a hard start so it's not been a priority to set intentions or goals or what have you.

I had the thought (which I may have mentioned here?) about how if I'd started drawing once a day (or writing or or or) when I first got sick, I'd have all that time (five fucking years) under my belt and I'd be five years better.  So I try to apply that to "five years from now" or even "next year".  How much better could I be if I practised my ukulele every day?  Drew every day?  And on top of that, how much less time would I spend mindlessly online were I doing other things instead.

Like, I get it, I do.  I know part of me wants to.  But so far, nada.  I've had stretches, for sure where I did or where I tried.  But consistent learning and practice is eluding me.

I would like that to change.  I guess I'm finding it hard to get going.  (And keep going.)  And part of my brain just keeps throwing heavy negative thoughts at me. Oh plus, you know, panic attacks and sometimes just trying to get through the day and while I love looking at other artists I do know it tends to bring me down because more often than not I end up thinking "man, I'm no good compared to them" or "look how much work they put out" or "they work so much harder than I do" and that's a lose lose thing.

I realized a few months back that I don't really know how to positively motivate myself.  Like it feels like I've spent most of my life using the stick as motivation and I don't know how to use the carrot.  It's quite confusing, really.  And perhaps part of me doesn't see the point?  Like get better at something, why?  

Questioning.  So much questioning.  Would have been nice had I gone through this several decades ago, but here I am, and this post is part of an ongoing attempt to figure it out.

Edited to add:  I closed this post off and then thought to myself "not being good sucks, so practising sucks". And I think that's a fair point.  I don't enjoy the act or the feeling of not being good and so there's not a lot of motivation to sit down and not be able to get the F chord, or not be able to draw an apple that looks like a fucking apple.  (Ok, now I'm picturing apples having sex... my bad, I just got upset, sorry if I now also put that image into your head but hey, let's be honest, I'd love to be able to draw an actual apple and a cartoon or something of apples having sex!) Sigh.  Maybe that's part of it all... practising is not really fun or enjoyable and right now just serves to remind me I'm not good, or certainly not as good as I would like to be.  Makes me wonder how I'd do if there was something I'd never tried before and was starting from scratch... would I let myself be "bad"?

Tolerances

Further to yesterday's post, I know I have a low risk tolerance level when it comes to exposing myself to Covid-19.  I know that and I'm ok with that.  Am I wrong to be so cautious?  I don't know and I don't really care all that much.  

I have friends with higher tolerances, and they've been understanding (at least to my face?) about my, for example, not wanting to go into a restaurant to eat.  I appreciate their understanding and willingness to adjust without complaint.

I was horrified, last year, reading the reports out of New York and other places that were already heavily hit.  I am still horrified when I hear survivor stories and the lingering issues some are having post Covid "recovery".

Am I overly anxious about this?  Again, I don't care.

I care that I'm overly anxious about a lot of things, and I am working on those things, but this?  I know it will conclude in some way... at some time and I know I have expanded my tolerance bubble already, so... yeah.

I remember how extreme my fear and caution was at the start of our lockdown.  I felt like every surface might be a potential contamination spot, especially the places not in my own home.  I was extremely mindful about not touching my face with hands that hadn't recently been washed, and even then, I was cautious.  I washed my hands very often, and I avoided touching things outside my home.  I remember the early days and spending time at Jason's and washing my hands after touching the stair railing because there was no way for me to know if it was safe.  And washing my hands after using the washroom and then needing to use something else to unlock the door.  I'm a little less strict these days, although some would tell me now is not the time to "let down [my] guard".  I'm imperfect at washing my hands immediately as I walk through the door now... I'll take my jacket off and hang it up first, but this is in part because I know what I did or didn't touch when I went out (usually for a walk) and I am fairly sure I'm "ok".

I still carry my handkerchief with me when I leave my apartment, and I use it on door handles and using handrails.  I wear my mask every time I walk through my door now (since our mask mandate) so it's always on me now, even if it goes in a pocket when I drive or am walking alone outside somewhere.  I remember days early on when I would be about to go somewhere and I'd realize I'd forgotten my mask, so in some ways having our building management putting up a "masks required" sign has been helpful.  Although I now have a mask permanently in my purse (in a clean container), and some disposables in my car as well.  I keep thinking about a future time when this is done and past and finding a mask and gloves somewhere and wondering what I'll think.

I think some of us on this island have been feeling like we're in an island bubble because our numbers have felt fairly low.  I always just think that the numbers we see are the known cases.  The cases that were tested and found.  Not the asymptomatic carriers.  Not the folks who "had a cold" and didn't bother to get checked.  Not the cases that came and went without notice or attention.  Do I think everyone is carrying it?  No, but I am aware that's a possibility.  Do I think the vaccines will "fix" everything?  Nope, and neither do the authorities.  So no, I don't know how this ends.  Or when.  Or, perhaps, even if.  Do I think my risk tolerance level will change over time?  I would imagine so.  Perhaps it will go up, or down... depending on circumstances and situations and how the other members of the society I live in handle things.

It's so easy to get doom and gloom.  I know many folks have hit a wall this last month or so.  I know it can feel endless and hopeless.  I also know that it used to be all consuming.  I couldn't look away.  Even though I needed to.

This has been weird.  And hard.  And troubling.  And challenging.  And awful.  And sad.  And difficult.  And unusual.  And I wish there would be a massive moment of IT'S OVER! But... here we are and to use a phrase my Mom says is "what people say when nothing is ok"... it is what it is.

A Source

I can't ignore the fact that a source of a large amount of anxiety right now is work/job related.

If you're new here, I don't talk about work, in fact, I say that I'm a spy... that that's my job, so that if I do want to say something about work, I imagine old spy movies or Mission Impossible or the sort of Hollywood cheesy movie stereotypes and that's what I pretend I do for work.  You know, rappelling down from the ceiling on a special cord (rope?) and avoiding the laser security lights to steal the big diamond?  Yeah, that's what I pretend.  Mainly because it makes me smile.  (And hey, if I actually am a spy?  I've done the like double negative psychological trick to make you think I'm not, huh?  Yeah... genius right here!)

I've been off work for a (very) long time now due to (mental) health issues.  I honestly have been getting better, far more slowly than I could ever have imagined, and I think it's no surprise to anyone that the pandemic was a huge setback for my progress and well being.  I think most of us have had that experience over the last year to some extent or other and while I can see some almost advantages my pre-pandemic situation might have given me (I've been pretty isolated as I tried to manage my health, so lockdown and not seeing anyone wasn't a massive change for me) I don't think I've been honest with myself about how much it negatively impacted me.

Because of reasons (ahem - you can read into that that I'm not entirely onboard but I get the "why"), they (health professionals and... others...) are going to have me trying some volunteering in "the next while".  Now being a spy means interacting with people, it just does, and I am not not not comfortable with that due to the pandemic, and that's just an added bonus freakout on top of the "oh God you want me to do this work thing again?  even though it made me sick?" (simplification).  I've been pretty intensely limiting my interaction with people during the pandemic.  I see Jason (he and I talked about this early on and made the choice to be "bubble people" for each other, which, I know makes me luckier than many).  I have, over the year, seen a friend or two at a distance.  Gone for a walk or two.  Seen my parents outside in their parking lot at a distance.  But in terms of shopping or doing... things?  Yeah, I've limited that.  I've probably been in a store less than 20 times over the last year (well ok, starting in March...). Ordering online has been my go to.  And so malls or restaurants or pubs or anything at all?  I haven't done and do not plan on doing.  Well, except now I will be... for work.  

I try to be calm and logical with myself and tell myself that I have good protocols and practices (even though I know I've gotten a bit lackadaisical....).  I tell myself that "workplace" has had a year to sort out their protocols, and, well, I'm telling myself it kind of just is what it is.

But I can tell that my system is freaking the BLEEP out.  Understandably, to be fair... but it's not helpful.  I tell myself that some people are doing all sorts of things... working and shopping and restaurants and they're doing all those things and staying well.  (Sort of?). I will try to be mindful of my hands and what they touch, and I will maintain as much distance as I can, and I will wear a mask, and others will too and I'll remind myself that stressing makes you more likely to get sick as the stress hormones weaken the immune system and so I should just... um... try not to stress.  Like I know I have friends who have been doing spy work this whole time.  And getting their own groceries, and while they're concerned, they don't seem freaked out.  I know I'm currently more prone to freaking out than most... I know all this.  I can have the logical, adult conversations with myself, but my system is, well it's like that movie Inside Out, if you saw it and remember?  When the little control people are all running around wild and out of control.  That's my system.  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  Etc.

So while this has been on the theoretical calendar for a while, the fact that it's sort of a "now" thing is probably part of my current state of "really not ok".  And no, I'm not going to avoid it - even though I probably could.  I'm going to try.  And I'm going to hope that once I do the thing my system can relax somewhat.  Like, oh, ok, I'm ok... this is ok.... I can worry less.  Or maybe even stop.  Cuz that would be nice.  That would be a huge relief.  I would like that very much.

 

SpriWinter.....

Some of the weather stations are calling for maybe some snow next week, and much colder temperatures and I got a sunburn on my walk yesterday!

Oh Man!

You guys should totally be in my head in bed at night (often while I'm reading) as that's when my brain writes the best posts!  

I swear, they're like meaningful and use all good word order real proper like and, so yeah, if you could just... you know, pop into my head most nights you'd get super good posts!

And it's funny because I kind of wonder if that kind of technology is being created or tested as we speak... I hope not, but you have to imagine if I've had the thought, someone else has and, well, people like to try things.

I know I could stop reading and take some notes but at that time of night my focus is on winding down for sleep (usually while enjoying whatever book).

I did something similar on a walk today - was writing something as I walked.  I considered stopping and finding like a voice to text app or something (I'm sure my phone has one or a recording app or something) but instead, I just kept walking and enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.

Priorities

I know the "posts lacking photos" thing really only bothers me, but sorting photos on Flickr so that I can a) post them again here and b) finally stop paying for pro on that old account is low on my "figuring out this new laptop configuration and setup" priority list so... NO PHOTOS FOR YOU! (a la soup guy from Seinfeld.)

I had a much needed good couple of nights' sleep followed last night (this morning?) by waking up with a tension headache and like I wanted to murder... the universe???  Waking up like that always makes me extra grateful for the days I wake up feeling ok, or neutral or at least just normal.

Ok, I'll be honest, I totally forget what I opened up this page to talk about, oh no wait, there it is!  Thanks brain.  (sigh)

I don't know if any of you have seen it but there is a tv show called The Sinner (starring Jessica Biel - who is stunning in the role - and Bill Pullman) that I really enjoyed.  It was based on a book and I just finished reading said book.

It was translated from German and honestly the translation felt a bit bumpy and took me a while to get used to.  As I was reading the book, I decided to rewatch the series and having just finished the book I have to say whoever adapted and re worked that book into the show did an amazing job.  It's rare for me to prefer an adaptation to the book but in this case I think they did a stunning job and it's not that I didn't enjoy the book per se, just that compared to the show it was... less than?

Anyway, I could probably wax more poetic about it all but a "bad sleep" like that has robbed me of higher brain power type stuff like thinking.

Thinking is hard yo.

Happy February (which I started spelling with a B... I don't know, I'm tired) and happy Monday.  Have a great week y'all.