Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Boo Humbug?

I wonder if people have children so that they have a renewed reason to enjoy holidays.

Well, no, of course they don't, but I have to say I'm feeling a little lacking in the Halloween spirit.

My friends are mainly small-child-laiden so there are no house parties to go to like there once were.

And I'm not a costume person, so I won't be dressing up today.

And I'm really trying to watch what I eat and so I won't be going massively crazy over candy either.  (Although, I may go a tiny bit crazy over it.)

So it's kind of like.... oh.  It's Halloween.

Ok.

So, Happy Halloween you guys.  Sorry I'm a little bit of a poopy McPoopersons about it.

Boo?

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Disappointed

Rain's Here by foundimagination
Maybe some day I'll understand myself.

But, until that day, I'll just sit and try to figure out what the heck is going on all up in here.

See, normally when someone I've been talking to from the online dating site says they'd like to meet in person I avoid the message until I can psych myself up enough to say sure.

But this time, a guy I'd been chatting with messaged me that he'd like to continue our conversation in person this weekend and I just took a deep breath and said that sounded good.

These messages were sent vaguely mid-week, so I had supposed I'd hear from him by Friday to figure out a when and where.

But I still hadn't heard from him by Saturday and instead of being relieved, (which, according to past practice my brain should have been) I was disappointed.

And I'm not sure why.

Is it because I hadn't psyched myself up?  Or because I had psyched myself up but in a mellow way?  Is it because I got over my initial fear and was bummed there was no follow through?  Is it because this is the first weekend in a while I've had the mental capacity/physical energy to meet a stranger and I don't know when that will happen again, or what?

All of the above?

Who knows.

I'm guessing he'll message back soon enough and we'll figure something out from there (probably) (unless, of course, he's already met someone else and we will never meet as so often seems to happen to me) or not.

Just... my brain is weird and it weirded me out this weekend by being differently weird from the usual.

If that makes sense.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Memory

When Dad was in having his heart surgery there was what now seems like an enormous amount of time where we just had to wait.

Mom and I went for a walk around Granville Island (we'd decided to stay in a hotel there) while my brother tried to nap in the room.

While we both tried to distract ourselves (game of Scrabble? talk about... something?) I took the occasional photo or two, one of a park bench next to the one we were sitting on, and one of two crows that landed on that same bench a bit later.  Another of a heron standing in the silver water at dusk.

I remember thinking to myself at the time that even when things were awful, there was still beauty in the world, that life was still good.

What I didn't expect, however, is that now, a year and a half later, whenever those photos pop up on my screensaver or background, I'm taken right back to that moment; the waiting, the wondering, the fear.

I often look at photos from when I was a child and wonder if I'm remembering the moment or remembering the photo and making up the moment around it.

Part of me thinks I may have to take these photos out of rotation, to stop bringing it all up again, but maybe not.  Maybe it's just a matter of tricking my memory into remembering that everything's ok now and that I managed to find beauty in a difficult time.

I suppose you could say I "found love in a hopeless place"


2 Irish Boys Sing We Found Love!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Anxiety

Hulk Just Touch Sign, Not Mean Break Sign.  Hulk Sorry. by foundimagination
I don't really know what the difference is between anxiety and worry or if they're just different sides of the same coin or what, but I know I'm predisposed to them both.  Or to it.

And once the anxiety/worry -ness is triggered, it sometimes just seems to hover.

And right now it's hovering.

Mainly in the evenings, I notice, probably because I'm home, and there's a bit less to think about.  But even at work right now, I'm wandering around feeling like I'm forgetting something.  That elusive something that must be what I'm feeling worried about, because why else would I be feeling this way.

I've learned how to cope with this feeling, strategies and things that help me feel calmer or point out that it's really just one thing that I'm worried about and all the other things are just freeloading on that one thing.

But still.  Just like when I'm sad about something, when this anxiety/worry feeling kicks in, it's hard to remember that I won't always feel like this.  That I haven't always felt like this.  Because when I'm in this kind of a difficult feeling, it feels permanent.

Which makes me worry.

Add, rinse and repeat.

So it's been hard, this past little while (is it days or is it weeks, it's hard to know.)  But I'm trying to sort through and remind myself that, yes, there is one big thing that's triggering all this, but it doesn't mean I have to live in this state until that thing is done.

I hope.

Friday, 26 October 2012

So, Just Me Then?

Do you ever watch those totally awesome, family and friend filled lip dub proposals of pure joy and love and happiness and then bawl your eyes out?

Hypothetically speaking.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Autumnal

An Autumn Rainbow by foundimagination
Fall around here is all about the leaves.

For those of us who don't own a yard, it's not about the raking and cleaning up of them, but it's still about the watching of them changing colour.

Which can be utterly beautiful.

Which led me to wonder.

What's fall about in other parts of the world, and what about in the parts of the world that don't have the same kinds of trees that we do? 

What makes Fall "Fall"...elsewhere?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Argh!

Do you know what's even worse than having a song stuck in your head?

Having had a song stuck in your head all day and then when you get home to google it you can't remember enough of it to find out what it was and all you can think of is "well, the guy was cute"

Argh brain, why are you being like this????

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

'Spection

Falling On My Head Like A Memory by foundimagination
This is going to sound weird (maybe) but I wish I could be the perfect person I always think I should be.

But then as I type that out I realize that maybe that's not a good thought, or not a helpful one.

It's just...I spend a lot of time in my mind going over what I should have done, or, often, what I shouldn't have done.  What I shouldn't have thought, what I should have said.  And if I was better, perfect-er, I wouldn't have those thoughts.  I'd just sit and think "yes, I did all that I could/should have."

Or, at least, that's the theory.

So when I don't get to the end of a day thinking "yes, I did all that I could/should have", I instead have the thoughts of "good lord I'm a bad person, let's sit and think through all of the things I didn't say/do correctly, and how lazy I have to be to not have done/said them."

And that's exhausting.

But when I think about it logically (as sometimes typing out a blog post forces me to do) it seems that my berating myself for being less than what I think I should be isn't entirely helpful.  Or helpful at all maybe.

I think about Mother Theresa and all the wonderful work she did and how it stunned people when they published her private journals that she was not perfect in her thoughts.  Even the most amazing of us, the holiest, so to say, is not without frustration and anger.

So what do I do instead of beating myself up?  Because some of the things I don't like are things worthy of change.

So maybe instead, I just remind myself of the direction I want to be facing, or the path I want to be on, or whatever the metaphor might be.  I don't know.

I just both wish I was perfect and easier on myself and I never know which one's going to win out.

Last night it was the Perfectionist.

She's a bit of a cow, but the Gentler me forgives her for even that.


Monday, 22 October 2012

On The Day To Day

Yep, this is the stuff that sometimes occupies the mind of a single girl... the weather.

(Which I may be slightly more obsessed by than the ordinary single girl but whatevs!)

Remember that extra long, extended gorgeously sunny and warm summer?  And how it went all through September and even snuck into October a bit?

Yeah, it's gone bye bye.

Last week brought all the rain we haven't had up til now and this weekend has brought the cold.

It's always chilly by Hallowe'en here.  Usually first frost is right about now, and this year seems to be no different.

This weekend was lovely though.  Made extra lovely, I think, by the rain of last week.  Sunny and cold.

Cold enough to get out a scarf and gloves for a mid-morning walk yesterday.

Cold enough to dust off the hot water bottle and wonder why I'd waited so long to dust it off.

So Fall is here, most definitely and the leaves are changing and when the sun is out it's the most beautiful season of all.

Except I feel like I say that almost every season.

And I mean it every time.

So, yes.  The weather has changed, the leaves are changing, and I feel like this needs to be a song lyric, the end.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

This Should Make Your Saturday

You're welcome.


Kid History: "Babysitting" Episode 9 (True Stories)

Friday, 19 October 2012

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting*

Sometimes out of nowhere a song will just pop into my head, I'm sure you know that feeling.

But, this time it wasn't the song I just put into your head via the title of this post, it was a song from a tv show I used to watch forever ago and I have absolutely no idea why it suddenly jumped into my head randomly yesterday afternoon.

But... here it is, via the magic that is the internet!


Reading Rainbow - Theme

*That was just to throw my brain off track

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I Would Love My Life To Groove Like This


Lake Street Dive Plays "I Want You Back" On a Boston Sidewalk

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Shhh, Don't Tell

Somehow I feel like putting strawberries in a salad is like cheating and putting dessert into your dinner!

But I love it so I'm going to keep doing it, and I'm going to feel like I'm cheating / being naughty every time!

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Dude.


I Like by foundimagination
I took on a spy project at spy work that had to get done and no one else wanted to do and the whole thing turned out to be about four hundred times more work than it should have been so long story kind of short last week was exhausting.

And, I still don't talk about work here, but let's just say I can only hope it gets less exhausting, but I'm not sure it's going to be and we'll leave it at that before I get brain wiped for speaking too much about top secret spy stuff.

Anyhow, all this to say that this weekend felt like a long weekend to me as well.

Partly because I'm still staying off my feet to try to heal the (yes, still ongoing) toe injury issue, and partly because the gorgeously sunny late Summer weather we had has turned into grey rainy, I should just stay inside under a blanket weather, and partly because I have a new neighbour moving in beneath me and she decided to paint her new place after work....late into the night, and I didn't get much sleep last week either.

So a zonked out (she was away this weekend, amen!) Friday sleep (even though I was so wound up after my 12 hour day I couldn't mellow out enough to sleep for a while) and a bit of a sleep in, combined with a lazy Saturday and Sunday made me feel like I had another long weekend, which was pretty nice.

Here's hoping this week is a little less "kapow" to the old noggin.

How's you?

Monday, 15 October 2012

Tap, Tap, Tap, Hello?

I was just testing to see if maybe this thing wrote itself.

Like, I was hoping I'd show up here this morning and there'd be an awesome blog post that had popped up all by itself since last night.

But, apparently not.
Nuts.

Best get back at it then, eh?

Saturday, 13 October 2012

I Don't Know What Made Me Think Of This

Softer by foundimagination
Everything is biased.

Or, I suppose, I mean every form of media / conversation / statement / thought / you get what I'm saying, right?

Even the thoughts I have are biased by how I was raised, or by the negative voices that live inside me.

Even things/people/organizations that claim to be bias free are biased.

It's maybe impossible to be otherwise, just possible to be aware and try to... adjust?   I don't know.

I don't even know what made me think of this, maybe it was all the stuff about blasphemy and the upcoming US election or I don't know, an argument I had with someone?  Who knows.

And I don't know if this thought is a frustrated one or just a neutral one or something in between, maybe a sad one?

But yeah.  Everything is biased.

Let's talk about fluffy things.  How's your weekend going?  Can you believe it's already halfway through October?  Crazy!

Friday, 12 October 2012

OH!

I can't believe I forgot to tell you!!!!

Or, at least, I *think* I forgot to tell you.  New Blogger's search function doesn't seem to think I told you but maybe I did and just can't remember/find it because it was, like a month ago, so sorry if I'm repeating myself but still!

Last, month, maybe even exactly a month ago, I was headed downtown after work one day to sign up for a dance class (that I haven't told you about yet either I don't think.)  I was feeling pretty good, lots of energy and happy to be outside in such glorious weather (we really did have an amazingly beautiful September and so far October's been great too!)

As I bounced down the street, singing along in my head to the music from my iPod, a gentleman said something to me.

(And by "gentleman", I mean someone who was possibly crazy, but not in a scary way, just in a oh, dear, do you live on the street or are you just not quite, you know, entirely all there?)

I didn't hear him, so I stopped, and popped out an ear bud.  "Pardon me?"

"You are so beautiful!"  he exlaimed.

"Oh, thank you." I said, feeling a little shy, but who doesn't like a compliment, right?  And as I was putting my ear bud back in he went on, much to my chagrin.

"Would you like to go get coffee?!"

"Oh, um, no.  No, but thank you."  I said, feeling suddenly awkward and embarrassed that a possibly transient older man had been the first person to ask me out in ages.

I walked on, somewhat bemused when another street person stepped out in front of me.

I didn't think he was a street person at first, he was a handsome enough be-dredded dark skinned man and he wanted to show me his art.

So I figured I'd take a look, I wasn't in any rush, and then he pulled out a stack of crumpled photocopies and started to explain them to me one by one.

I've luckily had a little bit of experience with people who have a mental illness or disorder, so I let him talk for a bit and then told him to show me his best two.  I managed to extricate myself from there without too much difficulty, but it did make me wonder what it was about me that was making me seem especially approchable, but possibly only to men who were not really playing with a full deck of cards.

I'm sure it's ironic, or amusing, or something like, that, but the next day, back in my apartment, the sweet, but overweight neighbour I'd accidentally seen in his underpants a few weeks ago, and had always assumed was gay,  also asked me out for coffee and all I could think to say was "man, I just got asked out by a crazy person yesterday too!" which probably wasn't the best response.

But, there you go.

I got asked out twice for coffee last month.

By a street/crazy person, and an apparently not gay man who I've already seen in his briefs.

Being single rocks, y'all! (ahem)

Sigh.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

For A While

Lean by foundimagination
Every once in a while I get a message from someone on the online dating site I still haven't completely abandoned, and we end up carrying on a good conversation for a while.

But even that no longer gets me excited.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the conversation and the attention, even if it's virtual, and it's something to look forward to during the day;  will he have messaged me?  What will he have said?  Will it make me smile?  Etc.

But the reason I no longer get excited, or perhaps hopeful is the better word here, is that I know it won't last very long.

Either the conversation will dwindle off or stop completely, or we'll meet and then won't message any more or something, and so I just try to enjoy it for that week or so, or for those few days.

I certainly don't have the energy to meet a stranger right now, and there don't seem to be that many opportunities off line to meet people, so it's still the shrug-worthy status quo of nothing new in the romance world.

I mean, other than the cute, new married guy at work.  I suppose additional eye candy doesn't hurt.  Sigh.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Make It Stop!

I don't understand what is happening!

I hugged someone, and they had perfume on.

I don't like perfume, I don't wear it, and I don't like to smell it.

But after I got home, I realized I still smelled like that person's perfume, so I had a shower.

And it was still there.

So I had another shower and washed my hair.

AND IT IS STILL THERE!

I've changed the pillows on my couch in case I sat down and transferred it, I've thrown the pjs I was wearing after the first shower into the wash, but I can still smell it!

I do not understand how I haven't managed to wash off this perfume after TWO SHOWERS!!!

Please make it stop, it's making me feel like I want to throw up!

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Granted

Underneath It All by foundimagination
I was woken up early Saturday morning by a power outage.  Which, really is a strange thing to be woken up by, but my new, fancy dancy fire detection thing beeped a couple of times and that half woke me up and then one of the buildings near us started beeping what I'm guessing is its emergency "the power is out" beep and, well, once I glanced over and looked at the clock and realized it wasn't on, I was pretty excited to have a power outage.

I know, I'm weird that way, but I love power outages.

Except I'd never had one first thing in the morning before, and I lay in bed trying to figure out what I would do for breakfast.

I couldn't have an egg, so maybe I'd just have toast, no, no toaster, needs power.

Ok, well then I'd just have tea and wait, no, wait, the kettle won't have power either.  Well, I'll just use the stove to boil water then, uh, nope, no power.

Hmmm....

I didn't want to open the fridge to get out milk or anything in case the power was out for a long time (we used to have wind storm power outages growing up and we learned not to open fridges or freezers if you could to help the food stay cold) so I ended up having an apple with peanut butter, which I thought was a pretty good compromise.

I was glad I'd charged my phone the night before so I used it to check the BC Hydro (our electric company) website and then I sat down with my book and read.  It was pretty nice, actually.

Apparently a bird "made contact with the wire" and knocked out power for a few thousand of us, but they had it back by 9ish that morning and all was well.

My fire alarm beeped again when the power came back on and my fridge and whatever else whirred back to life and the building next to us stopped the beeping that had driven me a little bit mad.  I was able to pee with the light on, which was a nice upgrade from earlier that morning, and I ended up being quite grateful for all the little things I use electricity for in the morning that I hadn't thought of before.

Shan't take it for granted any more, it's good stuff, that electricity!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Yay!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving Long Weekend!

I'm so so in need of some resting and some not working and some sleeping in and some lazy days and I'm very thankful for the health and happiness of my family and this beautiful weather we've had for all of September and life in general and all the things!

Happy weekend, y'all, and happy Thanksgiving fellow Canucks!

Friday, 5 October 2012

Sorry Spammers

Brotherly by foundimagination
I've been getting some really nice Spam comments lately.

No, really, they've been very nice.

These people (person?) finds a random post, and makes a comment that's very positive about how wonderful the post is and how informative the blog is and how they can't wait to read more and here's their blog and .... it's advertising.

But I feel guilty every time I delete the comment!  They're so nice!  And positive!  Even though it appears that English is not their first language, they're trying, and well, I just don't like the idea of someone commenting just to advertise something.  But still.

So I'm sorry to the people who keep spamming me with these nice, friendly, supportive, positive comments, but I just can't keep your comment here.

But good luck with what I'm assuming is your job!


Updated to add:

Oh the irony....

"Howdy, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just
wondering if you get a lot of spam responses?
If so how do you reduce it, any plugin or anything
you can suggest? I get so much lately it's driving me mad so any help is very much appreciated.
Also see my web page >     "


Sigh.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

From Fear

I think sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, when we're scared, it comes across as anger.

I say this because last night, I was woken up by an angry conversation outside my window.

Or at least, I was woken up by half of it.

The gentleman in question was angry.  Angry with his girl friend (girlfriend?) that she had called him, feeling suicidal and then turned off her phone saying she was going to "take care of herself."

It's not something you joke about, he said.  You said you were feeling suicidal and then you turned off your phone, what else was I supposed to think?

He said it over and over.  Angrily.

What was I supposed to think?  I drove all the way over here, what else was I supposed to do?

I couldn't hear what she was saying, but part of me wanted to shout at him to just hug her, and part of me wanted to shout at her for turning off her phone after saying something like that.

They moved away after a few minutes and I could hear crying.  Her, I suppose, and I truly hope there was some release in that and that she's feeling better.

It's hard when you're feeling low, it really is.  And it's hard when you care for someone and they tell you they're feeling that low.  Because what else do you do, but worry, and try to help?

And you don't want to be wrong.  You don't want to tell them not to cry wolf, because if they're not?

I hope that no one ever uses the idea of being suicidal as a way to manipulate someone else, and I hope that friends and loved ones know that if someone you care about tells you they're feeling that way, it's not up to you to fix them or help them, there are professionals who can help you and support you in helping your friend.

I hope the two of them are ok, and I hope that the girl reached out and got the love and support she needs.  And I hope, in time, she'll hear the anger in his voice as the fear he must have had at the situation, and that she'll realize he went to her when she needed it.

When I woke up this morning, this was in my head.


Rick Astley - Cry For Help 

I think I need a hug.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Subtle

I wear a jacket on the drive in to work, but don't need on the drive home.

I'm back to wearing pyjamas around the house rather than just a sarong.

The heating pad is back in rotation to soothe sore muscles.

Trees aren't just dropping dried leaves, they're turning orange shades of yellow bit by bit.

We're having a lovely extended summer, and the sun is gloriously welcome to stick around as long as it wants.  I can feel Fall, and know what's coming, but am enjoying the sun very very much.


Tuesday, 2 October 2012

I Don't Think Your Week Should Go On Without This In It


Aloe Blacc -- I Need A Dollar (Live)

Monday, 1 October 2012

Two Point Oh

The first change came from Reddit.

Well, the idea came from there anyway.

See, I have a friend who poops.  (Seeing as I don't do things like that myself, of course, being a pretty pretty lady who is all roses and butterflies and the like.)

And this friend read about how our bodies aren't really meant to sit to go Number Two, and that really seemed to make a lot of sense so she went ahead and got herself a "Squatty Potty" and then she started to find she was feeling a lot healthier in a number of ways, but certainly ways that had to do with things from the belly button area and on down.

And because my friend was feeling better and healthier because of this really very simple change, I was too, and that was really somehow the first of all the other changes to come, and can you see why I've been putting off talking about all this a little bit?

Yeah.

But that was the start, really.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.