Friday, 31 May 2013

Aftermath

Pause by foundimagination
Oh dear.

Do you remember last week when I wrote the supremely happily elated post about getting a bike?

Yeah, well... I wrote that post the afternoon after the new purchase and bike ride.

I did not write that post the evening of.

Because had I fired up my computer that evening and typed out how I was feeling, it would have been something along the lines of "MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!" and then some.

See, I didn't think much about it, and so when we got home we ate dinner and showered and did whatever else and got ready for the next day and went to bed.  My legs felt a little sore, so I threw on my leg warmers like I'd usually do when they're a bit sore after a work out and went to sleep.

Until about 1am, when I was woken up by a massive amount of discomfort in my thighs.

Not quite pain, like not sharp enough to be pain, but holy *(*&^*% was it ever awful.

Lactic acid buildup I figured, getting out of bed to eat a banana, take an advil, throw on some heat... no...ice?  No... both?  OMG WHY ISN'T IT GETTING BETTER??????

Not lactic acid said the internet.  Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness maybe?  An incredibly sore thing you can do nothing about?  Crap.

You guys, there was no sleep to be had.  There was no position that wasn't incredibly uncomfortable.  Not moving hurt.  Moving hurt.  Ice didn't help.  Heat didn't help.  Pain killers didn't help.  Bananas, milk, rubbing them didn't help, nothing.  Nothing helped.

I wanted to wake Jay up, just to have him share in my misery, but that seemed cruel.  So I lay there, all damn night long, on the couch, just wishing my legs would hurt a little bit less.  Just enough that I could maybe grab a second of sleep.

So I guess the thing is, is if you get a bike after not having one for a decade or so, you should take it easy the first time or so out.  You know, ease into it.

Because that is the worst my legs have ever ever felt ever ever and let's not even talk about how sore it was to sit down on that saddle again a couple of days later.

Seriously.

No, seriously.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Last Night's Dream

Think paint ball but instead of paint pellets, they're water guns.

And then some sort of cabins in the wood camping style getaway sort of.

And parking in the "you're not supposed to park here" area and seeing that there was still a guy in the digger / backhoe whatever, but Jay saying it was fine.



No, I have no idea what they mean either.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

You Know?

Found Art by foundimagination
It's a really weird thing sometimes to look over at Jay and have this feeling of "I have no idea who you are."

Well, maybe not exactly that but this sense of "wow, there's a stranger sitting there looking at me."

I can't explain it.

It's just an odd thing to have an entirely other someone in your life, your space, your bed, your place. 

Maybe it's even odder when you're expecting them to just as suddenly not be there?

I don't know.  I haven't managed to make the words say it right, just sometimes it's weird.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Grumpy

I'm so grumpy.

All these changes happening around me and I don't like them and I don't see how any of them will make me any happier, just less happy.

And I'm angry at the people who have made those choices.

And I'm... I don't know... just pissed.

And I'm tired, and I don't want to have to deal with any possible stress or strain that these changes might bring.  I just want everything to stay the same.

I'm so mad.

Monday, 27 May 2013

Maybe Not

A Single Droplet by foundimagination
The thought that occurred to me this weekend I still haven't come up with an answer to.

When is it mindfulness, and when is it denial?

Like, Jay is supposed to be in Vancouver at the end of the month/start of the month, and the calendar tells me that's soon.

Quite very.

But I'm not dwelling on it.

Exactly.

I am, it seems, making pointed comments on how it will or won't be like that in Vancouver.... but I'm trying not to think about all the things I'll miss or might miss or whatever ever er.

So am I being mindful?  Or am I in denial?

Or does it matter right now anyway?

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Did You Not See The Glint In My Eyes?

Jay had a craving for ice cream the other day, so we walked down to the grocery store.

When we got there, he hemmed and hawed between ice cream sandwiches (which I tried to point out to him were not "ice cream") and then ice cream flavours (we did not have a consensus) and then he saw frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

This?  he asked.  And my eyes got as big as a saucer.

I told him that that wasn't ice cream and that if he wanted ice cream he should get ice cream but he decided he wanted cookies more, and that we could use the remaining frozen yogurt to make the cookies into ice cream sandwiches.

It seemed like a plan.

Jay, however, does not understand how the container is nearly empty when we've only made two batches of cookies.

So I had to tell him that I ate some cookies that hadn't technically been made yet.

How many?

I don't exactly know.

Jay still does not understand how there is so little dough left.

I'm assuming some of you will.

Friday, 24 May 2013

And Ever

Spring Filtered Sunlight by foundimagination
I often write a post like yesterday's in the moment of most hurt and upset.  Doesn't necessarily mean it happened right then and there, but that it was written in the moment of feeling like everything was the worst it could possibly be.

Which, after a while, isn't a true feeling anymore.

Sometimes that while is twenty minutes, or ten, or a day, but I think it's only real to share some of those moments here, because things feel really really hard sometimes.  Really really bad.

And they hurt.

I told Jay how upset I was and he hugged me and made sure I didn't roll off the couch (you had to be there) and then I grumped and grouched around for a while and then started to feel better.

I have no idea where this relationship is going to go, or end up.  Neither does he.

I have no idea what Vancouver is going to mean for us, or even for him really.  (Neither does he, I don't think.)

I just have to trust that what will be will be and trust that if we're meant to be together, it will somehow work itself out.

Not that that's easy, but still.

I just have to trust.

And then enjoy the last few days we have of him being right here.

Even though I wish, so very very much, these days would last forever.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Sigh

Well, that was stupid.

Last night, I listened to Jay's Skype interview with the place he might be living in Vancouver.

I thought I shouldn't, but then at the last minute I thought, well, I should be part of his life and what's going on with him, so I cracked the door open to listen.

But I shouldn't have.

It was beyond hard to listen to him talking about wanting to set up a space that feels like home and to be in a place where he can build his life and feel he can come home to and nest in.

I wanted that to be here.

I feel like it was here, this last while.

So to hear him saying that that place could be this place in Vancouver stung.  Incredibly.

I shouldn't have listened.

Now I feel broken.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Held

Sunny Days Are Here Again by foundimagination
It's almost as if Jay and I are aware of the lessening of time we have left sleeping each night together.

These last few days we've been holding each other closer, in constant contact throughout the night again, maybe turning back to back, but then still our backs touching, until one of us turns towards the other and we're back to holding each other again.

I'm trying so hard not to think about the change that's coming. Which means I'm trying really hard to just be feeling and experiencing the moments we do have together right now.

Including these nights in each other's arms.


Tuesday, 21 May 2013

So Much Fun!

You guys, I bought a bike!

(A used bike, but still, a bike!)

See, I always had a bike growing up and loved BMXing (or what I thought was BMXing) and biking to and from elementary school or around the neighbourhood, or later, to Univerisity.

But once I moved into this apartment, I didn't have a place to store a bike so I kept it at my parents', and eventually they got tired of storing it and gave it away.

Insert sad face here, because that was the bike I got in grade ten for "good grades".  (I put it in quotations because I don't know if that's why I actually got the bike or if they just wanted to reward me for doing well and I needed a new bike anyway, or what.)

I was bummed that they got rid of it, but was working and driving to work so didn't really have a need for it.

Fast forward a whole bunch of years and I've been told having a bike for Burning Man is essential.

I thought about just getting a nice new one, but I've also heard that it'll get trashed with the alkaline environment there and so there wasn't much point.  Plus, bikes are, like, super expensive now!  So I looked around on some of the used sites, and then asked my friend who works part time at a bike store.

He said they had a used one for pretty cheap (a hundred bucks) that was in really really good shape (it'd been his for a while and he'd taken perfect care of it) so I picked it up.

Plus, Jay has a bike and has been enjoying meandering around in the lovely Spring weather and I've felt rather jealous of his texts.  "Just hopping on my bike and heading to the beach!"

So I picked up the bike on the way home from work yesterday and we went for a bike ride around the neighbourhood.

Within a minute, I remembered just how much fun it is to ride a bike.  It's so..... WHEEEEEEEEEE!

I mean, it's kind of like flying, I think.

You can just pedal a few and then coast along and it's... awesome!

Sure, it's also a little bit achey, and I also remembered pretty quickly how your...rear end kind of gets sore from the seat and my shoulders felt rather ouchy from being all leaned over, but all in all I loved being back on a bike and am really glad I got this one!

Plus, I got a super cute helmet so that doesn't hurt either.

Ta da!

Monday, 20 May 2013

Happy

Feels Like Summer by foundimagination
A very happy Victoria Day long weekend to those of you who are lucky enough to be getting it.

I am just going on record to say that I am madly, madly in love with the long days and evenings.  Madly.

These two statements are not related, but I guess they are, by default, falling at the same time of year.

Also, out and about yesterday, Jay and I saw a bald eagle just hanging out in a tree near the water.  The reason we noticed it is that there was a crow in the tree trying to caw the eagle out.  Or something.

It was actually quite comical.  The eagle just sat there, completely ignoring all the jumping and dive bombing and cawing.  You could almost see him rolling his eyes!

Nature rules.  Go enjoy some today if you can.

Hugs,
Me

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Thoughts

Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out.

Most often when Jay and I have spent the morning curled up in bed together, quiet and relaxed, or the evening wrapped up in each other's arms after a fun day or fun afternoon.

I wish I could feel it and believe it when he tells me he loves me but that's gotta be a deeper issue than just what's happening right now, something I need to figure out and fix, for reals, for ever.

Sometimes I feel like things would all be a lot easier and better (maybe?) if money wasn't an issue.  If I could just have whatever it was that I wanted, or needed, or dreamed of.

And sometimes I find out that an old friend's three year old has been diagnosed with cancer and I don't know how I'm supposed to be anything other than grateful for everything I do have, and for the breath I can take right at this moment.

Friday, 17 May 2013

Tricksy

Pathways by foundimagination
Something that I thought I would try, and on a whim, bought an app for, is Geocaching.

From what little I'd heard about it on various blogs, I figured it was a little like orienteering, which I'd loved as a kid, so I set out with Jay and my iPhone and this app, and we navigated our way to our first Geocache spot.

And then I got confused.

What I remember about orienteering is that you'd use the map and compass to get you wherever and then there'd be an easy to spot marking or whatever and you'd know you'd done it correctly, so I figured Geocaching would be the same!

Except that it's more like hide and seek once you get to the general area.

I wonder if it might be a little bit easier if I had an actual handheld GPS rather than my iPhone that at times has a range of accuracy that's not entirely helpful, but still.  Jay and I have found ourselves in the "right" spot but with no idea of what we were looking for or where we might find it.

The first few times this was very frustrating.  Especially when we went back to the same spot a few times and still could never find anything.  I was starting to feel either really dumb or really bad at this whole thing.

But we gave up on that particular tricky spot and went to a few new ones and then we discovered that Jay is really good at hide and seek and we started finding things!

It's pretty exciting the first time you find one, and I could see it being lots of fun to get into.

I'm still not very good at it, as I get to the general area and then have no idea where to look, but Jay's super good at finding things, so we make a pretty good team at it.

As with most things.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

A Human Parrot?

Do you ever find yourself picking up the speech mannerisms of the people you spend lots of time with?

I ask because it's something I find myself doing but don't know if that's just me, or if everyone does it.

Like, when I lived in England for the year, I came back and was told I had a huge English accent.  I didn't know, I wasn't trying or anything.

And I've been told my French accent is pretty good, probably because I learned from native French speakers and just picked up the way they pronounce things, so I think that maybe my brain just hears things and mimics them.

Maybe I'm like a human parrot or something.

Anyway, the reason I started thinking about this is that I've noticed that I'm starting to say things the way Jay says them.  Just, like, his little funny ways of saying this that or the other and without knowing it I've started doing it too.

It's funny.


Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Pushing

Caution! by foundimagination
Sort of need to remind myself how to write after a week of just... not.  Not sharing, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't make my brain...like, work.

This whole relationship with Jay has been pushing me outside of my need to control everything about everything.

I mean, of course, life doesn't work that way, but still, I do have a fair amount of control over most things in my life... my day to day, but from the start, I've had to let go of trying to control this.

I've had to do a whole lot of breathing, and reminding myself to just let it be whatever it's going to be.

And even more than that, this has been pushing me, in a wonderful way, to be in the moment.

Even when Jay and I first were getting to know each other and I'd worry about what might happen if/when we met and then I'd just remind myself to enjoy this particular day and the bond we were forming and how much I was enjoying getting to know him and talk to him and have him as part of my life.

And then when we were first spending time together and he wasn't sure about what work might want from him and instead of spending these weeks together spending ALL my time worrying about what it might be like if he lived somewhere else, I just have been doing my best to be here, in this moment, with him here and us together.

Jay is always, when I am feeling sad about him leaving, reminding me that he's not leaving *now*.  That right now, here we are hugging, or watching something together, or holding hands wandering around downtown. 

A couple of times in the last few days I've told him that there's just too much sad and I have to get rid of some of it and you guys?  It's true.  I'll just cry for a few minutes and he'll hold me and then I'll feel less better and I'll remind myself that he's not gone yet and we'll go and do whatever fun thing it was we were going to do and I don't waste the entire time being sad.

Sure, I'm sad that things are going to change.  I could quite happily just stay like this forever and ever, the two of us, in the same space, the same bed, sharing our lives; someone for me to come home from work to, to share dinner with, and DO things with.  I can't tell you how much I ADORE having Jay to do things with.

I know people say that when you're single you're just supposed to go do all those things anyway on your own, but for me at least, a lot of the fun comes from sharing that experience with someone else.  In some ways it's too bad that all of my friends (well, ok, all but one set) have kids because if they were more free to just up and do something at a moment's notice, I would have people to go do things with, but I don't have that right now, so having Jay here has been so awesome.

But, yeah.  This is all pushing me.  Pushing me to *actually* believe him when he says how pretty I am, or that he loves me.  Pushing me to be in the moment, as much as I can and to enjoy our time together right now, now now, rather than thinking ahead to when things will be different.  And pushing me to not anticipate the future, but rather to wait and see what it brings and to trust that maybe it'll just be ok.  Or that I'll be ok.

Or both.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

So...

So last week was bad.  Like, really bad.

Jay got the job and then stayed in Vancouver and I just got more and more... bad.

I don't know what the word is.  Insecure?  Insane?  Miserable?  Devastated?  Unhappy?  All of the above somehow mixed together and joined by some extreme tiredness?

When he got home all I could do was cry while we lay on the couch together and I'm sure that's not the easiest thing for anyone to have to deal with, but there you have it... I am who I am, and the crying's just part of it.

We talked about what all this might mean, but nothing was resolved.  I suppose I was looking for promises and guarantees and he doesn't have that security right now.  Sure, he has the job, but somehow his company is less straight-forward than what I'm used to with spy work so he's not entirely sure where he'll be based out of quite yet.  (This is so not a way I could live, but that's why I'm a spy and he's a not a spy, I guess.)

All I know is that I feel way better than I did last week. I actually couldn't function for a couple of days there.  Had to take time off from work and just sleep and rest.  That also meant Jay and I had that time together to hang out and that seemed to help everything.

I honestly don't remember what was said or really what we did on those days, so I do wonder if I was over-stressed or had some kind of flu or what, I just know I'm glad to be feeling so much better and like myself again.

Thanks for your good thoughts, I'm sure they helped too.

Monday, 13 May 2013

And He's Canadian Too!

It could just be my hyper emotional state, but I don't think so.

This man has done more for the space program in his time commanding the International Space Station than anyone has, I think,  in decades.

And this, his final video, made me cry and cry and cry.

Thank you Commander Hadfield.  I wish I could hug you.



Space Oddity - Chris Hadfield

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Momentary

I picked up a new bottle of shampoo the other day because my giant bottle finally ran out.

Because the stuff I usually use has to be bought in a salon, I just picked up some regular type stuff and figured I'd get the usual kind when that ran out.

When I was washing my hair last night though, I noticed that this new shampoo did not have the lather I'm used to with my regular stuff.

In fact, it felt really weird in my hair.  Like it wasn't washing it at all.

And that's when I realized I had picked up a bottle of conditioner by mistake.


Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Sorry

Through The Light by foundimagination
I'm just not in a headspace of handling anything right now.

Jay's still away so we haven't talked about anything... and... I just am also either sick or sick because of this or I have no idea, I'm just not good so I just need a few days.

I'll be back.

Soon enough.

Monday, 6 May 2013

Oh Crap

Jay got one of the jobs.

I mean... "YAY!  I'm so proud of him and happy for him!"

But... yeah, no.

I'm feeling too uncertain for what that may mean for us just yet to feel happy for the fact that he's going to be based in Vancouver for.... an uncertain amount of time.

I don't know how I feel right now.  A little stunned.

Sad.

Happy for him though too.

Honestly.

Just sadder for me.

Selfishly.

Saturday, 4 May 2013

I Would Never Have Expected It

Hope Can Come In Small Doses by foundimagination
I remember when I met Bird and we were talking about sleep for some reason and I was telling him that I'm a very light sleeper.

"I can't even sleep when someone's breathing next to me!" I said, referencing the fact that when one of my exes stayed with me, I didn't sleep, and it drove me insane.

"How are you ever going to have a boyfriend then?" He asked, incredulous.

"I don't know," I said.  "I guess we'll figure that out."

When Jay first stayed over, I didn't sleep well.  I remember, in fact, one night, getting up after tossing and turning, and coming into the living room to fire up my computer.  I checked some emails, did a mindfulness exercise and then tried to make myself tired enough to go back to bed.

Not sure I slept much, but at least there was some semblance of sleep.

A few nights of not so great sleep and for whatever reason I told him I wanted to sleep on the other side of the bed.

I figured it was something about him always wanting to be close to me and me turning onto that side and not being able to breathe, or something, but sure enough, I went to the other side of the bed that night and slept.

And I've slept really well with him every night since.

Sure, maybe some nights we don't go to sleep as early as this girl would like, and some mornings I've dragged myself kicking and screaming out to work at what seems like the crack of 'are you serious'? But really, I sleep well with Jay next to me, and I would never have expected it.

But still, I thought when he went to Vancouver for his interview that I'd be sleeping even more soundly.  Surely I'd have the bed to myself, I could go to bed as early as I wanted and just sleep through the night right? 

Apparently not.

Unexpected thing number who knows what.  When Jay's gone?  I don't sleep well.

I don't know why, and I would never have expected it, but so far it's been true.  I lie awake tossing and turning and feeling restless.  I guess I miss him being there more than I would ever have guessed.

Who knew.

Friday, 3 May 2013

Adventures

Jay and I have had some really great adventures since he's been here.

Well, "adventures" is what I like to call them.  "Dates" is probably what they are in real life.

One of our first dates was out to the Sooke Potholes.  Somewhere neither of us had ever been before, me, despite having lived here since, oh, you know, forever ago.

Now, I like to walk or hike or camp or whatever, but I still have my fears and am usually a trail go-er.  Jay?  Jay is an off trail kind of guy and while I was happy to let him go have his oh my god are you not going to die at the top of that cliff? adventures, he was completely a gentleman and when he turned around and found me clinging to a rock at the top of an outcropping we had climbed to, he patiently waited for me to slide my way back down to level ground.

We had an amazing afternoon.  It was sunny and crisp out and we walked to the waterfall he remembered seeing on the drive in.

From there, he leaped on ahead while I made my way slowly up, and when he saw the railway trestle up in the forest, I felt comfortable enough that my slow cautious pace wasn't annoying him and we bushwacked our way up to it.

Once we got there, I realized it was the Galloping Goose regional trail and when he asked me if I was ready, I knew we were going to gallop like geese, and I was all for it!

Between the laughing, and me not remembering what noise geese make ("quack?  No.. that's not it... what is it? HELP!") we didn't make it far along the trail before we had to stop galloping and flapping our arms to collect our breath.

The sun was amazing up there and shining right on us so we sat down in the middle of the trestle and just talked about whatever.

After a while we got so comfortable, we lay down next to each other, holding hands, just happy.

We got hungry after a while and made our way back down to the road and then to the car, and we were starving by the time we got home a few hours later.

It was a really great first sort of a date.  

There had been holding hands.  Laughing.  Me, being pushed outside of my comfort zone just enough to feel challenged but still safe and supported.  There was fresh air and sunshine and nature and good conversation about nothing and everything.  And happiness.  Lots and lots of happiness.

I could go on adventures with Jay all day every day, and be utterly content.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Truth

Always, Always by foundimagination
The moments that Jay and I have together are awesome.  They really are.

Even when I have a tough time, or we have a conversation were we don't see eye to eye, we always get to a good spot, and when we're lying in bed together talking, there's nothing better in the world.

The other morning, Jay had to get up to pee and when he came stumbling back to bed, I rolled over and held my arms out for him to come hug me.

We were both half asleep, but as he slid up against me he mumbled in my ear.

"Sorry," I whispered, "what did you say?"

"We're in love," he repeated.

And we held each other close and, happy as happy can be, we fell back asleep.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Bad

So Jay has a teleconference meeting interview thingy today.

And then, I think, he's to go to Vancouver proper for a real live interview for the second position.

And I feel like a bad girlfriend... a bad person... because there's a part of me that doesn't want him to get either job.

Like, maybe I could sabotage the teleconference interview!  Research his company and find out what their core values are and then stand in the background making statements about how Jay and I hate all those things and like... don't do them.

I mean, of course I want him to do well.  And yes, I'll leave him an encouraging note when I leave for work this morning, I want him to kick butt!

But I also, completely selfishly, want him to not get either job and to therefore, stay here.

With me.

In Victoria.

I just want things to go my way.

If only that way was what also made him happiest.

Now that'd be awesome.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.