I've sat staring at that word there for a while now not really sure how to continue... things are... things right now.... so many things. Things.
For the most part, I try to keep my bad stuff away from here. I feel that if I tell people...the world out there, the things that are bothering me or upsetting me, all I'm really doing is sharing negative energy, sharing negativity. Not adding anything good to the world.
But there also comes a point where not sharing the bad things becomes just not sharing. And that's where I seem to have stuck myself lately. Just not sharing. I need to. You can stop reading now, visit the places that make you happy, this isn't one of those places today. Tomorrow perhaps, but not today.
A while ago, I kind of
mentioned there was something going on with my stomach. There still is, and we (being the Doctor and I) haven't figured out yet what it is.
I've been having tests and so far we know that it's not an ulcer.
Which, to be honest, is what I was hoping for. See, a stomach ulcer, as painful as it can be, is curable. Treatable. Diagnosable. An "easy" fix, so to speak. Take these pills, don't drink for a while, learn to relax. But I don't seem to have that.
All I know is that I'm in pain most of the day, which really sucks. I've also had to learn a few things over the past few months.
I've learned that food can quickly become your worst enemy, which is hard when it's what you're supposed to use to nourish yourself and I've learned that when you can't drink people ask you if you're pregnant and I've learned that whenever you mention to someone that you have some kind of health problem they've often had something worse themselves. Or they know someone who has. (As my Dad said, everyone likes to "out misery" the next guy. ) I've also learned that popping Pepto
for months on end is probably a sign that your body is trying to tell you something.
I'm just not sure what.
I'm anxious now that since the answer hasn't been the simple one, it's going to be something more difficult to live with. What do they call it? Chronic. Something that you learn to manage but that never goes away.
It's tough. I fight the battle in my head all the time "other people have it worse", "suck it up", "get on with things". But, dude, it's no longer a matter of maintaining the status quo
, physically, it's now a matter of trying to get through one day at a time without feeling worse than I did this time yesterday.
Not a battle I'm currently winning.
The title of this post comes from the feeling I have that I'm this dangerously balanced thing right now. Everything's
so connected, and everything's
so hard. One tiny little thing can set off this cascade of problems and it's the most backwards type of feeling. Imagine those guys who set up those massive domino courses
but every time they got near the end of setting it up they did something, even accidentally, that knocked it over. So they'd start to set it up again. But somehow it gets cascaded again. And again. And again. Days and days of it over and over, never really sure what was going to cause the first domino to wobble, never entirely sure if the next thing was going to undo everything all over again.
You get the idea.
Physical health, our bodies, are so amazing. So much of how we function is interconnected. So when there's a bad day that leads into a sleepless night, that may mean the next days going to be worse. And when things are starting to feel a little bit better and I just want to have a little fun like I used to be able to, say maybe some good food, it can throw me off for weeks. Everything cascades. Which is hard on me mentally, which makes it harder to sleep. Which means the next days are going to be rough, which means things that might not have set me off the day before might which means..etc...etc.
So there's a lot going on. The knots in my stomach I've always felt, the worries and emotions and fears I've always "stuffed down" have become literal. They've manifested themselves physically.
I'm going to have to change. Maybe everything.
So that's where I'm at.
I don't know what those things are, but they're there, and right now they're hard to get away from.
Pain's like that. Physical or emotional.
Here's hoping healing one will heal the other.
It's all inter-related you know. I just need the strength to do it.