Saturday, 28 February 2009

L is for Love. And Lust. And Like.


And lots of other things, for that matter.

I think most of us can say we've been in love, or are in love, but when I get right down to thinking about it I think most of my previous relationships, (hmmm, all of my previous relationships?) were based on lust.

Or, at least, started with lust.

Which, ok, so there's no crime in lust, but when that's what you base your decisions on, especially before you know someone, I'm not sure that's the best way to go about things.

For me, at least.

I'm not sure I've ever been in a relationship that went 1. Like 2. Love 3. Lust. And maybe I should clarify by saying that when I talk about lust in this context, I mean getting intimate with someone. . . you know, making Looooooove. Or, in the case of lust, (fill in the blank with your euphemism for hot and heavy sex here.)

So that means I've never been in love with someone the first time we had sex. (Mom, that's because I'm still saving myself for marriage and am still a virgin, so yay!) (Ahem.) And I am envious of those of you who've been able to experience that.

I guess I've just always felt that when I feel that strong attraction or connection to someone that I wanted to express that physically, but I think I've learned that that wasn't love and it didn't even mean I knew the person enough to say I liked them. I think it meant my hormones short circuited things.

I think that I'd like to try it the other way next time. I think I'd like to really like and be in love with someone before I become physically intimate with them instead of going around in Lust with someone I barely know.

Have I babbled? Does this make any sense?

I hope so, because in some ways it feels like it's about self-respect and in other ways it feels like it's about waiting for what I deserve.

Because maybe it's even that much better when you get the love added in with the lust that first time you are with someone? Is it?

Friday, 27 February 2009

Hypothetically Speaking, Of Course.

Why is it that sometimes you can see a guy around for a while, and think he's pretty cute and then when you meet him in a different context and find out that he's more than just the guy you see around every once in a while, but he's actually a guy who does something you believe in and is making a positive difference in the world, why is it that you, at that moment, decide he's going to be your husband (even though, really you don't know *him*, you just know what he does, but that's almost enough) and then find out that he's got a girlfriend but somehow you feel like that's only a bump in the road because why else would the Universe have put this guy in your path and you just know that the two of you are meant to be with each other and maybe you're right?

Thursday, 26 February 2009

OK.


Let's all just take a moment to breathe, shall we?


Victoria's gone to her happy place (a room filled with the centre of those Cadbury Creme eggs) and will be back shortly. We decided not to cart her off to the funny farm, but only because she feels that she's calm again after yesterday's momentary loss of zen.*

Thank you for your patience and understanding, and normal blogging will resume momentarily.

(Elevator hold music starts)


*Polite speak for spaz attack.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Exploded

UmoksoyeahI'mpanicking. Butreallyit'smyownfaultbecauseIknewallthisstuffwascoming. Ijustdidn'tthinkanyofitneededtobedonebeforenow.
ExceptnowIhavetodoallofit.
Now.
Pleasecan'tIjustsleepitoffandhaveitallgoaway? Please?
Ohpanicpanicpanicpanicpanic. Ihatethisfeelingneedtobreathe!

HA! AnddoyouknowwhathappendwhenIpushed"publish"onthispost?

BIGREDERRORSIGN!
BECAUSEICAN'TEVENBLOGPROPERLYRIGHTNOW.Blargh!

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

You Know Something?


This dating thing is hard.

And I don't mean that to say that it's, like, the most challenging thing I've ever done or anything, but it's certainly tiring in it's own way.

And when I think about it, I think it's because there's not that ease of being with someone you know well. Like, when you're with your friends, there's no need for anyone to be anything other than what they are. And there's no feeling of forcing anything.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and I'm not putting on a show, but I'm a good judge of people and I can tend to feel what other people are feeling so I can feel the "nervous" energy of someone and I can hear it in their voice when they're forcing a laugh and I can see it in their body language when they're not relaxed. And that's tiring for me.

And maybe some of you will say that these are signs that the person I'm dating isn't the right person, that when it's the right person things just work and just click, but I don't know that I agree.

Things were awkward with Smith and I that first time he flew out to stay, the difference being that we'd already slept with each other which gave me that feeling of intimacy. Which felt real at the time, but when I look back on it, he was still just a stranger sharing my bed.

But that's not the point, I don't think. I think the point is that now that I've hung out with this new guy a couple of times, it's such a contrast to that feeling of close connection and ease I remember from being in a relationship.

And even Bird and I had a good closeness that meant we didn't have to try (even though maybe we should have.)

It's just different.

It's different to be in a place of having to get to know someone from scratch while remembering what it felt like to be close and connected and intimate with someone.

Sorry, I'm not sure I'm making sense.

Am I?

Monday, 23 February 2009

In Case You Were Wondering

The gym's almost back to pre-New-Year's-resolution busyness .

This makes me happy.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Confession


You know those red "pull in case of fire" things?



Yeah, well, lately, when I walk by one?



I really want to pull it.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Drawing a Blank

I don't gots no post today because when I sat down to write one, this is pretty much what my brain kept saying:

(Clicky here, because when I put the linky in it's too big for the bloggy.)

Which meant I wasn't actually able to think of anything.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Wow


The slightly weird and spacey state of mind I've been in lately is apparently still with me.


Last night, after my shower, I leaned over to pick something up off of a table and thought "Hey, wow, what's that smell, it's so nice!"


And then realized it was me.



Good thing I'm going to bed early these days, huh?*





*Wait, what does that have to do with anything?

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Nightline, With Angella D

On Angella's blog, Dutch Blitz, the other day, she answered five questions that had been asked, sort of like an interview. Then she offered to "interview" anyone else who wanted and I said, sure, that sounded like fun!

So, here are the questions Angella asked me and my answers.

1. Why do you blog and what got you started? (I always love to hear people's stories on this)
I'd been reading (and enjoying) blogs for a couple of years when I started to write blog posts in my head. I'd "hear" them in my head and then kind of chuckle to myself over them and then I found they'd just stick in my head and not go away. So after I'd written a couple (still in my head) I decided I may as well write them out in a blog and see what happened. Since I've always enjoyed blogs that had photos, and love taking photos myself, I decided to include photos every second day in my blog as well.
Why do I blog? Well, in part to get that inner dialogue out. In part to connect with other people. (Man, was I ever excited when I got my first comment) But, in part, I don't really know why I do it. It just works for me and I've found that when I say something that was hard for me to say and someone thanks me for saying that because it helped them in some way I feel really good. So, I guess in a way, I do it in the hopes that sharing my journey may just make someone's journey a little easier. *shrug*


2. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would it be?
There are so many places I still want to see. I want to see the Northern Lights, I want to see Greece and Africa (so many countries there to visit) and Asia and Brazil and India and everywhere. But if I could go anywhere right now to relax for a few weeks, I'd either go back to the Mayan Riviera or Maui. Ahhhhhhhhh. *dreamy sigh*
But, my short answer would be Africa. I've always wanted to go and learn and play traditional African music in Zimbabwe or South Africa.

3. What would your dream job/career be?
Hmmmm. I'm not sure I know a label that would fit. I would love to be paid to not have to do anything. That may sound like I want to be a lazy bum, but I just mean that I'd like to *not* have to be somewhere every morning and have a job that felt easy and relaxing and fun. I'm not entirely sure what that would look like or be. But, maybe something creative. Photography, painting, something that allowed me to just be and do and enjoy and relax while bringing in enough money to allow me to feel secure and comfortable. Know anyone who's hiring for that magic, un-named job? All that being said, I do enjoy what I'm doing now and think most days are pretty darn good. (Ask me again in a couple weeks when it's crunch/deadline time though and I may have a different answer for you. Heh.)

4. Will you ever post a photo of your face online?
The short answer? No.

5. What are your top five favorite songs?
I wasn't sure how to answer this, so I thought I'd let iTunes answer for me. I brought up my playlist and took at look at my top played songs, but I kept saying "that's not my favourite . . . that's not my favourite either!" So that didn't help much. With music, I usually have a few favourites of the time that change as the year or season or whatever (me?) changes.
But, bar none, my favourite music group is Led Zeppelin, so if I look at them as my favourite, and then try to pick my favourite songs of theirs, I'd be able to narrow it down to the following, so I hope that's a long way of eventually getting around to answering your question!

That's the Way
The Rain Song
Bron-Yr-Aur
Thank You
and (man this is hard)
Ten Years Gone

(and if you don't think I changed my mind on the last two a few gazillion times, you're wrong!)




So if you'd like me to "interview" you, let me know (and I'll try to figure out how to email you! ) Or, to switch things up a little, if you'd like to "interview" me, leave me your questions in the comments and I'll answer them in another post!

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

I've Been Putting This One Off For A While


I don't know how to start this post so I'll just jump right in.

Back in October, I wrote this post about how I'd considered signing up for and then got really freaked out by the idea of on-line dating.

Well, what I never told you (and I've been feeling guilty about it since, sorry!) is that I eventually did sign up.

I guess I figured I may as well see what the experience was like, and I liked Laura's advice:

"If you do decide to try it at some point in the future, try not to look at signing up for the dating service as equivalent to jumping into a long term relationship, or don't even freak out about whether you're ready for that :) The thing is, it's just a method of bringing two people together. From there, you'll have conversations with someone, and it will take on a life of its own. If you really have a good connection with someone, you'll just be dying to meet them in real life. And until you get that feeling, I don't think you should bother having a first date."

So I signed up.

And the experience was weird. And uncomfortable. And with a few exceptions, I was "matched" with people that I just wasn't interested in getting to know.

And then I felt guilty because I was judging people on a profile and maybe a picture (and I felt even guiltier because I didn't even have a photo of me on there so how was it fair for me to judge people based on their photos) and when my paid subscription came to an end I decided I'd delete my profile and call the experiment closed.

Except, right at the last moment I was matched with a guy who looked pretty cute, and seemed pretty nice. So I signed on for another couple of months to give it one last shot.

So, why, you may ask, am I telling you all this now? Why am I finally confessing to you guys that signed up for (and did not really like) on line dating?

Because this weekend, I met, in real life, the cute guy.

And I thought you deserved to know.

So now you know.

I had a date.

It was good.

He seems nice.

The End.

(For now.)

I still don't really like on line dating though.

But you go ahead and try it if you want.

Monday, 16 February 2009

My Best Valentine's Day Ever

I think that Saturday may just have been my best Valentine's Day ever!

The day itself was nice and mellow, sunny and beautiful.

In the evening I went to the gym and it was totally dead, which was nice because I could imagine everyone out having their Valentine's dates. Because there weren't many people there, I decided to go on to one of the treadmills with a tv after I'd finished my half an hour on the plain treadmill.

And here's where things got awesome! I got to see, on the tv treadmill, the ending of Reality Bites, which I remember at the time it came out, was what I thought romance was all about, what with the part where she runs off to fly out to see him but when the cab comes HE'S in the cab cuz he's flown out to see her and oh they love each other and ahhhhhh no more angst.

So as if that wasn't awesome enough, when that was over, I got to see the last fifteen minutes of Pretty in Pink which is when all the best stuff happens and even Duckie ends up with a hot girl and the end and yay! And it was just perfect.

Then I picked up some groceries, came home, had a nice bath, ate some yummy food, and went to bed in my freshly washed sheets.

All in all, probably my best Valentine's Day ever, it was really nice.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all

In unrelated news:



Oh, and? I love you guys!

Be my Valentines?

Friday, 13 February 2009

Hmmmm

There was a post already written in my head, I swear, but between the drive home and my trip to the gym and then the shower and catching up on some blog reading, the post is all gone bye bye.

Which is really not all that surprising considering I tried to leave work without my car keys.

And then when I stopped to get gas I locked the car door as if I was parking and leaving the car there for a while.

I may be somewhat lacking in brainpower right this moment.

So, um, hi! Have a good Friday.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Mellowing Out

My brother sent me some CDs for my birthday and I wanted to share a song from one that I'm currently loving. I'll throw in a beautiful picture too so we can all imagine we're mellowing out on a beach somewhere without a care in the world. Ahhhhh.




Bon Iver - Re:Stacks

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Woah

So, usually when I use crazy glue (or whatever it's called) I get a little bit on my finger and it's no big deal.

This time, however was different.

I guess the tube/container thingy didn't like being stored sideways because when I pulled the lid off, this big ol drop came out and attached itself to my left index finger.

I kind of stared at it, went ahead with the job I had to do and then went back to staring at the now hardened, blob of crazy glue that was on my finger and in and over my fingernail.

I tried to pull it off, but, apparently that only works when there's a mere fragment (and by the way, the middle finger that I did pull the fragment off of? Feels very owie. I don't recommend my "pulling" method y'all)

Thank goodness for the internet and thank goodness I like having pretty red toenails.

For future reference, nail polish remover did the trick and saved me from having to make a really embarrassing trip to a clinic. Imagine that conversation, if you will:

"Um, hi. I have a glob of crazy glue stuck on the end of my finger. Help?"

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Where Were We?


I was sitting here listening to some darn good tunes and wondering what I might write a post on, when "Thick as a Brick" from Jethro Tull came on.

I have a mad love affair with the song and wanted to make a post using the song. But a little part of my brain (or should that read a part of my little brain? heh) spoke up and said that it thought I had already posted something with that song in it.

So a blog search later I ran across the post, which, sure enough talked about Jethro Tull and "Thick as a Brick". The post, in fact, was called "J is for Jethro Tull . . . And?" and I was pleasantly surprised to be reminded of something I was doing a while ago when I was stuck for something to blog about, or couldn't figure out what thoughts needed to be disloged from my brain or just (as you all know happens) had nothing to say.

So I'm happy to have re-found my alphabet posts and to catch us all up, I'll list them here and will see, once I finish this post, if I can get back on the alphabet post bandwagon. (Even though I'm neither in a band nor an owner of a wagon. Ahem)

A is for Alphabet

B is for Boyfriends

C is for Candy and C is for Chocolate

D is for Democracy

E is for Elevators

F is for ?

and then

F is for Food

G is for Grandparents

H is for Holiday

I is for Incongruous

J is for Jethro Tull . . . And?

K is for Karma

So there you go. Now we're all caught up.

Whew.

I'm guessing L is for Love, but who knows. I'm never quite sure of what my brain's going to come up with until it comes up with it!

Monday, 9 February 2009

To The Really Drunk Guy I Can Hear Singing Out My Window

Dear Sir,
I know you're having a good old time and aren't particularly thinking of your audience, but I'm wondering if you could be just a little bit clearer with your words.
See, I can almost recognize your tune, even though you're a little bit on the shouty side and kind of feel like singing along, perhaps in an equally shouty harmony.
Or, maybe I could just hum along?

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Always Awkward


What I need to know from you is this:

When you're going past someone in an aisle, say on a plane or in a movie theatre or something, or just passing them in close quarters, do you turn bum towards them or bum away from them?

Because I'm never sure which is less awkward.

Friday, 6 February 2009

All I Can Think To Say Is

Thank the holy heavens that it's Friday.

Amen.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

To All Sushi Makers


Dear Sirs and Madams,

Let me just start by saying that I love your concoctions.

Almost always.

But, see, I have a little problem.

I can not eat food that looks like food. Which, since it may not make sense to you at first glance, means that I shouldn't be able to recognize the animal that the food came from.

Now, usually with sushi, this isn't a problem as I tend to order little rolls of things that don't look anything but cute!

Um, except for that unagi roll. You know, the one that's actually one thing, but because thinking about what it *really* is gives me the heebie jeebies, I just call them "chicken" rolls? (And insist everyone around me calls them chicken rolls) Yeah, them. I usually like my chicken unagi rolls, but that one from last night? Gave me not only the heebie jeebies but the oh holy lordy I can't eat any of these because I can see the legs! Legs and sticky parts and why didn't they cut those off? Why must they be hanging out of the roll as if they want to swim away or wave at me or possibly just get stuck in my throat?

So please, I'd really appreciate it if you could just make sure that my sushi doesn't, you know, look like anything that was ever once alive.

That'd be awesome.

And if you could pass this on to the guy who makes calimari to remind him that calimari should never ever come to my plate looking like a breaded mini-octopus? That'd be great.

Yours so disturbedly that I had to post the most neutral photo I could find just to counteract the heebie jeebies,

Victoria


P.S. Y'all, I know I'm changing the subject rapidly from yesterday's post, but that's ok. Ok? Kthxbye

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Stunned

I mentioned it back in September, my stomach "thing" and how it was getting better and on the mend.

But since it still wasn't back to, what I'd consider, normal, I asked my doctor to send me to a specialist. A gastroenterologist (which, despite what the spell checker thinks, I spelled correctly without even trying) to be specific.

And I was lucky to get a cancellation and get in to see him last week.

I say I was lucky because my symptoms aren't medically serious enough to warrant an "any time soon" appointment with most of the gastroenterologists in this town and I was about to be placed on a waiting list that was somewhere upwards of a year. (But please, no bashing of the medical system, that's not what I'm here to talk about.)

I say I was lucky, because mid-way through my appointment the doctor said "And of course, your family doctor has told you you have Celiac disease,* right?"

Um.

No.

No, she hadn't.

I don't have the typical symptoms so it had never crossed my mind in my (own personal medical) research that this was a potential diagnosis.

Especially since I was pretty sure my doctor had done the bloodwork test for it and would have told me if it had come back positive.

I'm not really sure what to say at this point, except that I feel no need to point the finger and lay blame about not being told by my GP. I know now and will figure it all out.

It just came as a bit of a shock.

So, a couple more tests to confirm and then I'll start living with a whole new label.








I think it's about time we added another label. Like a "girlfriend to the awesome guy who knows how to cook celiac friendly food and give backrubs amongst other things." label.

That'd help.





Updated to add: Comments now open because I'm feeling a little less "raw" about it all and, yeah. *shrug*




*Celiac disease for those of you who don't feel like clicking, means that my body reacts to glutens which is like, wheat and stuff and attacks (destroys, basically) the villi in the intestines which means they can't absorb nutrients which is, you know, how we survive so that's bad and there is um, well, no cure, only management and it's amazing what you can learn in a short amount of time even if you don't want to

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Think of the Children!


Listen, I don't have a lot of time here, but I've been sent to warn you.

Don't start watching The Real World Brooklyn or The City. (Which, you'd know not to watch already because you've already not been watching The Hills)

Just don't. Because if you do start watching them, you'll watch *knowing* that they're sucking out your soul, but being more and more drawn to them and wondering why oh why did that person just do that, which will lead you back to wondering why you're watching when you know OH so much better?

So, yeah. Don't do it.

Think of the children. Don't throw your life away.




And see? I didn't even link to them, that's how much I love you.




Now please, someone stage an intervention over here?

Monday, 2 February 2009

Or Else I Won't Sleep With the Worry

There is something that feels urgent that I am forgetting.

But each time I remember it, I'm in the middle of something mindless and it doesn't seem important enough to write down right at that second so I don't, because I'm sure, at the time, that I'll remember it when I'm done.

But I'm not remembering it and I'm starting to feel a little panicked.

I need to remember what I'm forgetting.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.