There was a day there last week, maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday (it seems like forever ago now anyway) when I thought things were really through with Jay and I.
As in, we probably weren't even going to meet and I felt faint at the idea of things ending, and not happily either.
So I did what the most sensible part of me has learned to do, and instead of doing what seemed like the right thing to do (sending a bitter email back basically saying screw you, I'm done, good luck with life) I turned to some friends and said.... help?
I think what I said to them was something along the lines of... "I got an email, it's made me feel really shitty, and I don't know if I'm overreacting or what I should do/say/feel at this point. Please help me?"
And they did.
C-Dawg, as always, offered support, and whatever food I'd like her to bring (I couldn't come up with anything at the time) and hugs if needed or wanted.
S (of B and S fame of course) was awesome. Calmed me right down, showed me what was actually said rather than what I was hearing, and told me that if I wanted this relationship to have the potential to be a long term thing, I had to think in terms of being a best friend first, and that that meant sometimes putting the other person's needs ahead of your own. Not all the time, mind you, but that it certainly seemed that this was one of those times, and that Jay needed me to hear that.
I have another friend at work who is really good at giving solid, neutral, helpful advice to me, and he told me, in general, that the issues were really on my end in this situation, and that my overreaction wasn't helping.
He pointed out that I have a tendency to see everything as black and white and that he felt I was looking at this situation as an all or nothing and that I was flipping the metaphorical table and walking away when really things were more of a grey area.
I actually sat in his portion of the bat cave after work that day in tears. Not tears over what Jay had said or was saying, but tears over how frustrating it is for me to be stuck in this grip of "it has to be one way or the other, no in-between."
And somehow, at some point in that conversation, a flip switched back off for me. Or maybe back on, I don't know. I just know that a weight was lifted and I felt a million times better.
Between talking to my co-worker and S and knowing that my friends were there for me but weren't going to let me get away with being over-reactive in this situation helped. And hearing that in life, and relationships it's almost never black and white re-set my brain.
I was able to take a step back from the panic I was stuck in. To step away from wanting things to be perfect so I could relax, or getting the eff out of there, and like my friend said "flipping the entire table and walking away, done" that I felt like I could breathe for the first time, in maybe weeks. Certainly that day.
I got back to Jay later in the day, much calmer, in a way better space.
"Let's not talk about relationship stuff until we've met. Let's just put it aside for now and get back to just... talking, and getting to know each other, and the fun stuff like we used to when we first met."
There were a few other things I said, and needed to say, but the gist of it was, dude, seriously, let's just chill.
There's really nothing we can do for the next x number of weeks until we meet. And there's not a lot of point in trying to figure out a future based on uncertainties and based on a relationship we don't 100% know will work in person. So let's stop trying to figure it out already.
The irony is, I spent the first month or so of our relationship doing just that. Being in the moment. Enjoying the day to day. Enjoying each day. And then somehow I... we... slipped out of that, and got wrapped up in all the what ifs and the future future future of it all.
And even though I knew that's what I was doing, I couldn't see a way out of it. We didn't *have* a here and now. We'd lost even that, so what was I supposed to be enjoying? And like you read last week, I was so so stuck in that.
I don't know, maybe I just finally got around to accepting my lack of control of the situation. Or maybe I accepted the fact, again, that it might not work when we meet. Or that it might, but situations and circumstances might not. That I can't even control what will happen today, nevermind a month from now, or three, or six, or twelve.
Maybe I just got tired of the emotional fight with myself, and all the struggling and the butting heads.... within my own self.
But what a relief to feel all that gone.
I'm better. So so much better.
And things won't change one way or the other until we've met.
And until then, we like each other, we care about each other, we enjoy talking to each other, and we think each other is (...are?) cute.
My friends saved me. Or, at least, got me to the point of saving myself much faster.
No, that's not true. I don't think I would have gotten there without their insight.
I can breathe again, you all.
Sometimes it just takes a few simple words to make the weight of the world disappear.
And when you say those words, and get a reaction back that's even better than you could have hoped for?
Well then, it reminds you why you're so excited to meet this guy in the first place.