Thursday, 28 February 2013

Well...

Today Was Not A Good Day by foundimagination
I suppose you want a Vince update, don't you?

Sigh.

Everything's been fine.

He's come over to have a chat now and then, to give himself a break from work.  It's helped, most times, for me to have someone else to bounce my insecurites off of, and I felt that we were on a decent page with regards to, yes... we're just hanging out, end of discussion.

Except.  (Don't you just always expect an "except" with this guy now?  Sigh.)  Except this weekend when I was at my craziest, and he had some thoughts about it which didn't really help, but then I talked to Jay and ended up feeling better about it anyway, Vince texted that I should maybe practice cuddling in preparation for Jay coming back.

And all I could think was "sigh."

Because, no.  I can't cuddle with Vince.  His wife doesn't even know we hang out.

And I wouldn't feel comfortable cuddling him anyway.

I used to love cuddling with Bird, was one of my favourite things, really, but even though I might have wanted more, there was no wife involved, and we hadn't ever been a couple so it wasn't complicated.

With Vince it would be.

And I feel like he'd be using cuddling as a gateway drug.

I guess it just kind of disappointed me.

I thought we'd been through all this and were just hanging out completely platonically.

And, sure, I have friends I cuddle with platonically.

Exes generally aren't in that category.

But maybe that's just me.

Le sigh.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Hey

You know what I haven't done in a while?

A What Went Well post.

I figure it's about time, eh?

Let's see.  What's gone well in the last little while... a non-comprehensive and not-in any particular order except what I remember first list.  By me.

I was having a lonely day at work last week and my best friend and co-worker Dee, who is currently off on maternity leave, showed up just before lunch and it was just what I needed.  A perfectly uplifting surprise!

I remembered a secret someone told me about tulips and how to keep them upright and have had non fally-over tulips in a vase on my table ever since C-Dawg got me some for Ballytimes day.  (No, not the same ones, I've had a few!)

I re-pumped up the exercise ball I use as my chair at my table and as I was doing so I had a few hilarious mishaps that involved air escaping from various devices and a blowing out of the stopper thingamy and I was giggling to myself the entire time.

C-Dawg and I bought Just Dance for her Wii and had a hilarious time trying out a few songs. 

I had a really yummy dinner the other night.

C-Dawg and I went out for sushi the other day and I tried something new (for me) and it was soooooo good.

The sunny days we've had have been gorgeous.

I'm enjoying the book I'm reading (or will probably be done by the time this post publishes) and I enjoyed the last one too.

I'm feeling really good right this moment, and that's a great thing to feel!

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Screen Time

My Computer, Camera, And I Had A Little Disagreement by foundimagination
I know, I know, I'm trying to break my thinking obsessively about Jay streak, but I just had to say... one of the things that has really saved me in my moments of pure freak out upset crazy unhappy insecurity awfulness has been being able to talk to Jay.

I can't remember if I told you, which means I maybe didn't, but after we'd talked on the phone a bit, I felt comfortable enough to try a video call with him.

I felt silly at first, and was, of course, worried about flattering camera angles and things, but all in all it was nice, and made me smile to be able to see his face and his eyes and his smile, moving, not just in still, picture format.

As he said, when he suggested it, it was neat to see the other person's mannerisms and fit another piece of the puzzle into place.

(And, no, before you point it out to me, I know that video doesn't replace meeting in person and that just because we get along via video it doesn't guarantee a one on one connection but it's still nice, and feels more personal than email or chatting.)

Maybe it's because when we talk via a video call we don't get into heavy stuff, whereas via email or chat we do, or maybe it's because I can SEE him and virtually look into his (pretty, pretty) eyes.  Or maybe it's just that it feels more like hanging out.  Or maybe it's being able to sit and chat and have an almost for reals conversation.

(Well, I mean, it is real, but you know what I mean.  Almost but not quite in person.)

The other morning after a particularly rough day of increasingly upset (angry?) emails from me over a difficult topic we really shouldn't even be talking about seeing as we've never met and yes sometimes I think we're crazy and this sentence is so long I feel like I should just keep typing because it seems almost unfair to stop it now, he asked if I wanted to talk for a few minutes before I had to leave for work and we just kind of sat there, not having much to say, for a few minutes, I actually lay down on my couch and just mellowed, and wouldn't you know it, I felt so much better.  So much.

We managed to have a video call the other day too and I told him it felt like doing so filled up my sanity tank.

Which is just what I needed.

Seeing him makes me feel better.  More... ok.  Calmer.

Doesn't make any of the issues or worries go away, just makes me feel like I don't have to think about them or solve them or figure them out right that moment, or even that day.

Makes me feel like I can wait, and see, and maybe never have to worry about what I'm worrying about in the long run anyway.

It's just.... good.

It helps.

And I need that.

Monday, 25 February 2013

Month

This has been a rough month for me.  Mentally, emotionally.  Feelings-ly. (I just made it a word, shush.)  Difficult.

But Jay will also be back in a month.  Well, within a month.  The exact date is yet to be determined depending on work projects and the like.

What's been most difficult for me is the un stability (leave me alone I can make up words if I want!) of my moods.  Or my feelings.  Or my brain.  Or all of the above.

I can go through a day and swing from ok to feeling awful, or I can feel solid and secure and happy one day and wake up the next and be angry and insecure and afraid.

Part of me wishes I could blame hormones or something, but I think it's just my over-thinking more than anything.

I'm trying to answer questions I can't possibly answer without meeting Jay and spending time with him.  But for whatever reason... how I was brought up, how I was wired, how my circuits got formed, whatever it is, I find it hard to not know things.  I find the unknown terrifying.

Yes, it's a control issue, and yes, I know vaguely where it comes from and why I ended up like this, and sure, I'm hoping that I can learn to let go somewhat as this is apparently pushing all my buttons at once, but man, it's hard.

I felt crazy this week.

And only slightly less than crazy the week before.

And feeling crazy makes me feel even more insecure because who wants to hang out with crazy?  NOT EVEN ME!

Sigh.

I can't even explain it to you guys here, I just have hated how I've been feeling lately and I know it's all down to my head and my thoughts and that makes me even more frustrated.

Maybe I'll try to distract myself this week, talk about other things.  Or at least try to write when I'm feeling either up or neutral...

Or maybe this will just be an easier week all round, who knows?

But, yeah.

It's been a(nother?) rough week.

I won't miss February for its emotional rollercoaster-ness.  Other than that it was fine.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

The Fall

Foggiest Day In A Long While by foundimagination
One of the earliest memories I have of first starting to really like Jay was an email he sent me, fairly early on in our communication.

In our back and forth getting to know you, we'd asked each other why we both found ourselves on an online dating site, and what we were, ultimately, looking for in a partner.

I threw together an answer for him, what I was looking for in a guy, and his answer back still makes me smile to this day.

I remember also, not too terribly long ago now, him calling me in the middle of the night to reassure me about something that had really upset me.

We've been in very different time zones, you see, and that has meant that much of our conversation has been via emails that then would not be answered/read for another half a day.

And so I, going to bed very upset one night, was awoken by a call from him assuring me that all was well with us, and with him, and the fact that he did that, just to make me feel better was one of the moments I remember thinking just how much I really cared for this guy.

I think I can say it's been since mid-December that I've had really good, strong, positive feelings for Jay, easily since then.  I would tell you I love him but you'd tell me there's no way that's possible, so I just won't tell you.

These things happen in stages.  In degrees.  In moments.

The falling.

The spinning.

The being caught by someone who's also falling and spinning and then you settle, together.  Somehow.

You know?

Friday, 22 February 2013

A Conversation With Myself That You Are Now A Part Of

I often have these half conversations with myself, I think it's part of why I started this blog, actually... I figured I may as well be sharing these conversations "out loud" if I was having them anyway.

This conversation came about because I did, in fact, purchase a ticket to this year's Burning Man, and am currently trying to wrap my head around the ... everything... that's involved in my possibly going.

(Notice the disclaimer?  It's my escape route/hatch for when I start to get too overwhelmed with something.  In this case it's "I don't have to go if I don't want to in the end.")

I was thinking, in an off hand sort of way (because these conversations always seem to happen when I'm actually doing something else, like in this case, starting to get ready for a walk to the store and wishing I didn't have to put on pants to leave the house, but that's an entirely different conversation.) about how I would, I suppose, have to introduce myself to people, and how we tend to want to ask someone a) their name and b) what they do.

So I was mulling it over in my head and I thought hmmm, will I say "I'm a spy"  or will I say "I spy"? And then I started to wonder, how often do we describe what we are by labelling ourselves with our jobs rather than saying what we do for our jobs.  And then I realized that it would only work with some jobs.  Like you could say "I'm a doctor", but you couldn't say "I doctor."  That... wouldn't make sense.

Which made me start to wonder how many things you could describe by their... verbage?  You can be a lawyer, but can you "lawyer"?

How many of our jobs are titles rather than descriptions of what we do?  Does a "bank teller" tell?

A receptionist doesn't "reception" do they?

IT specialists... fix computer issues so why aren't they called Computer Fixers?

I don't know you guys, my brain has these conversations with itself all the time.  I don't actually know if there's an answer.

Can you verb-ize your job?

Like, are you a spy or do you spy?

You know?

Thursday, 21 February 2013

I Know I Could Just Google It

Oldsmobile by foundimagination
But it's way more fun to ask you guys something than to google it!

There's someone who lives in my building and whenever they start up their car to leave it squeaks.

Well, to be more accurate, it doesn't squeak when they start up, it squeaks either when they first come out of park or take the emergency brake off or start to move, I'm not quite sure.  But it's a definite squeak.  Squeak, squeak!

What is it?

What's squeaking?

And why?

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Tell Me Something

Why is it so darn satisfying to crumple up the stickie note when you've accomplished whatever the stickie note had written on it?

I'm always all "Ha!  Take that reminder!"  "HA!"  *crumple, crumple, toss in recycling!*

(It's not just me, right?)

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Un-Named

Custom by foundimagination
I found the stickie note of Jay-related blog posts I made whenever back then it was I made it, and thought I'd take a stab at any of the topics that still felt relevant or important enough to type out here.

One of the things I'd nearly forgotten about was something that was happening a great deal, much to my chagrin, a month or so ago.

At some point my brain decided that Jay's name was so similar to DD's name, that I should start thinking of Jay as DD.

Now, I never called him DD when speaking to him, but when thinking about him, or even occasionally when talking about him to other people, the wrong name would slip out, or pop up.  And the more it happened, the more exasperated I became!

I mean, it's not as if they're anything alike, personality wise.  Other than them both being away for an extended period of time maybe.

And it's not as if DD was a good relationship to remember, or even that spectacular in any particular way, and if I'm being honest, it's almost as if my brain picked the poopiest of my exes to play the switcheroo with.

All I can really calm myself with is that their names are, sort of vaguely similar.  They're both two-syllables, and have the same ending sound.

Like, if one of them were Damon and one of them were Devon, that kind of thing.  (And, you have no idea how long it took me to come up with two names that weren't their real names but would work as examples.  I'm proud of myself you all!)

I told Jay about it, told him it was really upsetting me and worrying me because I didn't think of them as the same person at all and didn't want to be thinking of DD and didn't like that his name had attached itself to Jay.

Jay was good about it, admitted he nearly played a joke on me by signing an email "DD" and I told him that would have made my brain explode for sure!

But, yeah, that was a weird one, and not that Jay and I are necessarily going to end up having any hanky panky or anything, but man, it sure would suck if I used the wrong name at the wrong time, but at least he's been forewarned somewhat.

Just can't figure out why my brain's being such a meanie about it all!

Monday, 18 February 2013

Like I See It

When I had the... well, can we call it a panic attack?... last week about Jay, and my friend pointed out that I have a tendency to want to say "screw it all" and end things completely, be overly black or white about it, all or nothing, I made myself a note rather than deleting the emails of Jay's that I'd saved.

(Because, somehow, I figured if I never saw another word he'd written, it would be easier to move on from it all.)

I've found that when I'm really upset about something, I try to get to a point of asking myself is this me?  Or is it them?

And so I was surprised when I found the note because I'd completely forgotten writing it; must have written it when quite upset and emotional.

Here's the question I left for myself  "Is it that he isn't who I want him to be or that he isn't there when I need him, which is now."

And I guess what I meant is, I can't expect everyone to always be able to be there for me when I need them.  I'm not sure that that's fair or humanly possible, although it would be nice.

And so, was the hurt I was feeling more because he wasn't able to be there for me in that moment?  Because it felt like something bigger... something un-overcomeable.

And if I had, as my friend said "flipped the table" at that point, and walked out, cut my ties and burnt my bridges, I would never have had the opportunity to calm down, reflect, take stock, see my part and where I had over-reacted or reacted poorly or selfishly and get to the good place Jay and I are at again. 

I know most of this only makes half sense to you guys, and I know that's frustrating.  It's frustrating for all of us because then I see you guys trying to fill in blanks and you want to then save me from what I'm doing to myself, but I only give you half the story.  Sometimes less than that.

And I save a lot of it for more private conversations or private thoughts.  And I'm sorry for that.  Sorry I can't give you 100% of it all, but it's not just my privacy anymore, you know?

So I'm sorry for the filtering, and I just want to thank you for being protective of me and my heart, but you don't have to be.  I'm looking out for me, I am.

And I have good people in my life who are looking out for me too.

Not that you're not good people.  You know what I mean though, yeah?

I'm just saying.  Sometimes I have to call myself on my own shit.

And this was one of those times.  I just didn't know I was doing it at the time.

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Teary

I don't watch American Football and I don't have cable, so I didn't watch the Superbowl and didn't see any of the commercials.

So I'm maybe behind the ball (no pun intended) here, but I've just seen this and I have always loved horses, but even if I didn't, I think I'd still cry over this one.

Which I have done each time I've watched it so far.



Budweiser Superbowl ad 2013 - Clydesdale Brotherhood 


Love.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Brain, Stahp!

Ugh.

I may have gotten less shy, maybe even a little more mature over the years I've been writing here, but that doesn't mean that my brain is any less annoying at thinking me into a twist!

See, I was at the grocery store yesterday and a hot guy pulled up into the checkout behind me.

Now, I say "pulled up" because he was in a wheelchair.  Which I noticed.  After noticing he was hot.  Or maybe at the same time, I don't know.

All I know is that I wanted to look at him because he was hot, but I didn't want to look at him in case he thought I was only looking at him because he was in a wheelchair and so I completely avoided eye contact even though I totally had already checked him out and ARGH why does my brain overthink the simplest of things with guys!?

Le sigh.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

From Above by foundimagination
I'm not sure what to say here today.

I'm aware that for many single people, Valentine's Day can be a very sad, hurtful reminder of your single-ness.  So I don't want to rub anything in...

But I do have someone I care about this Valentine's Day.  Somewhere I can put that romantic love feeling.

And I don't quite know what to say about it without feeling like I'm letting someone down, or making someone's day sadder.

But it's funny.  Even having a ... Valentine I haven't become crazy nutso about the day like I used to be.  I mean, even last year, I wasn't terribly bothered by the day, even though it used to be such a hard day to get through.  And maybe that's just an age thing or a maturity thing, or having moved on from needing it to be a big deal anymore.

It used to suck being single on Valentine's Day, and It used to suck going through Christmas and my birthday and Valentine's Day without someone there.  But this year, I haven't had to.  And it's been.... nice.

Sure, not easy, maybe, the last week or two of posts have shown that, but still.  It's been better.  Better than in the past.

But today?  I don't need it to be anything big.

I mean, like I always say, would I be happy to have a surprise sent to my work or my home?  Sure.  Would flowers be turned away?  No.  But will I be ok if that doesn't happen?  If there's no brass band or singing gorilla sent to my door?  Yes.

I feel cared for, cared about, and I know there's someone who's thinking of me, and who likes what they know of and about me, even without having met me, quite yet.

I guess I feel like my heart is protected, even if things don't work out with Jay and I.  Right now, today, this week, I feel good about it all.

I feel love.

Which is a good thing to feel today.

But does it make me feel smug?  Or superior?  Or like I want to announce it to the world on this day of overly-dramatic expressions of romantic love?

Nope.

Just makes me feel safe, and calm.

And like that little bugger Cupid got his arrow wedged deep in my heart right when I wasn't looking.

Nice shot dude, high five.

So Happy Valentine's Day you guys.  Be you single, or married, or somewhere in between.  I love you, even when you are biting your fingernails nervously over my potential for getting hurt or let down.  I just love you because you're here and you're awesome and you rock my world.

Now, go eat some chocolate already, would ya!

Hugs all round*



*(And that.  Maybe that's what I'd most like this Valentine's Day.  A hug from Jay.  But that will just have to wait.  Be belated.  I'll get a belated V-day hug from him... soon enough.)

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

What I Learned

I learned something in a fairly spectacular fashion last night and I thought I should share it with you, my beloveds.

If you decide to make popcorn and slice some butter off of the... uh... loaf?  Bar?  The... thing of butter... stick?  Yeah, if you slice some butter off of the stick and put it in the microwave to melt, but it turns out that accidentally there was a piece of the butter stick wrapper, yes, the shiny gold metallic wrapper left on the piece of butter you chose to melt?

Yeah, that sucker will explode and catch on fire and make you think the world is coming to and end and you will gasp in the most gaspiest of ways because that's all your brain can think to do while you figure out how to turn off the microwave that now has exploding fire inside it and at no point did you think that would ever happen because you've never accidentally left some of the foil lined wrapper on the butter before.

Seriously.  I've never gasped quite so dramatically before.

GASP!!!!

Dude.

Flaming fire in my 'wave.


(And, yes, I still had popcorn.  With butter.  Sans flame.)

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

And Suddenly Everything Changed

In The Middle Of It All by foundimagination
There was a day there last week, maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday (it seems like forever ago now anyway) when I thought things were really through with Jay and I.

As in, we probably weren't even going to meet and I felt faint at the idea of things ending, and not happily either.

So I did what the most sensible part of me has learned to do, and instead of doing what seemed like the right thing to do (sending a bitter email back basically saying screw you, I'm done, good luck with life) I turned to some friends and said.... help?

I think what I said to them was something along the lines of... "I got an email, it's made me feel really shitty, and I don't know if I'm overreacting or what I should do/say/feel at this point.  Please help me?"

And they did.

C-Dawg, as always, offered support, and whatever food I'd like her to bring (I couldn't come up with anything at the time) and hugs if needed or wanted.

S (of B and S fame of course) was awesome.  Calmed me right down, showed me what was actually said rather than what I was hearing, and told me that if I wanted this relationship to have the potential to be a long term thing, I had to think in terms of being a best friend first, and that that meant sometimes putting the other person's needs ahead of your own.  Not all the time, mind you, but that it certainly seemed that this was one of those times, and that Jay needed me to hear that.

I have another friend at work who is really good at giving solid, neutral, helpful advice to me, and he told me, in general, that the issues were really on my end in this situation, and that my overreaction wasn't helping.

He pointed out that I have a tendency to see everything as black and white and that he felt I was looking at this situation as an all or nothing and that I was flipping the metaphorical table and walking away when really things were more of a grey area.

I actually sat in his portion of the bat cave after work that day in tears.  Not tears over what Jay had said or was saying, but tears over how frustrating it is for me to be stuck in this grip of "it has to be one way or the other, no in-between."

And somehow, at some point in that conversation, a flip switched back off for me.  Or maybe back on, I don't know.  I just know that a weight was lifted and I felt a million times better.

Between talking to my co-worker and S and knowing that my friends were there for me but weren't going to let me get away with being over-reactive in this situation helped.  And hearing that in life, and relationships it's almost never black and white re-set my brain.

I was able to take a step back from the panic I was stuck in.  To step away from wanting things to be perfect so I could relax, or getting the eff out of there, and like my friend said "flipping the entire table and walking away, done" that I felt like I could breathe for the first time, in maybe weeks.  Certainly that day.

I got back to Jay later in the day, much calmer, in a way better space.

"Let's not talk about relationship stuff until we've met.  Let's just put it aside for now and get back to just... talking, and getting to know each other, and the fun stuff like we used to when we first met."

There were a few other things I said, and needed to say, but the gist of it was, dude, seriously, let's just chill.

There's really nothing we can do for the next x number of weeks until we meet.  And there's not a lot of point in trying to figure out a future based on uncertainties and based on a relationship we don't 100% know will work in person.  So let's stop trying to figure it out already.

The irony is, I spent the first month or so of our relationship doing just that.  Being in the moment.  Enjoying the day to day.  Enjoying each day.  And then somehow I... we... slipped out of that, and got wrapped up in all the what ifs and the future future future of it all.

And even though I knew that's what I was doing, I couldn't see a way out of it.  We didn't *have* a here and now.  We'd lost even that, so what was I supposed to be enjoying?  And like you read last week, I was so so stuck in that.

I don't know, maybe I just finally got around to accepting my lack of control of the situation.  Or maybe I accepted the fact, again, that it might not work when we meet.  Or that it might, but situations and circumstances might not.  That I can't even control what will happen today, nevermind a month from now, or three, or six, or twelve.

Maybe I just got tired of the emotional fight with myself, and all the struggling and the butting heads.... within my own self.

But what a relief to feel all that gone.

I'm better.  So so much better.

And things won't change one way or the other until we've met.

And until then, we like each other, we care about each other, we enjoy talking to each other, and we think each other is (...are?)  cute.

My friends saved me.  Or, at least, got me to the point of saving myself much faster.

No, that's not true.  I don't think I would have gotten there without their insight.

I can breathe again, you all.

Amazing.

Sometimes it just takes a few simple words to make the weight of the world disappear.

And when you say those words, and get a reaction back that's even better than you could have hoped for?

Well then, it reminds you why you're so excited to meet this guy in the first place.

Monday, 11 February 2013

Check, Check, One, Two

I had this thought the other day as I babbled to myself about a "reality check" in reference to Jay and I and not talking about the future because too much was up in the air.

Is a "Reality Check" ever a happy, positive thing?

Like, is a Reality Check ever fun?  Happy?

Or is it only ever sobering?  Does it only ever make you take a step back, never a step forward?

What's the deal with that? 

Are there awesome reality checks too?

Thank You

A massive Thank You to whoever decided that British Columbia deserved another Stat holiday.

And that that stat holiday should happen now, in the middle of the dreary greys, when it has been so so long since a day off, and is still so so long until another day off.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am going to enjoy the bejeezus out of doing so much nothing today it's not even funny!

Happy Family Day!  Woo hooo!

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Simmering

Holding it Together by foundimagination
Of course things didn't get any easier at work this week, and it's hard to know if the rage I feel is from there, or from what's not going on with Jay and I or if they're just ganging up on me and making each other feel worse.

I'm doing all the right things.  Trying to sleep well, although one late night checking to see if Jay was online didn't help with that, exercising, and eating well.  But even going to the gym has only helped so much.

Either I've left sill angry, or I've gotten home, and had to deal with the work thing all over again and it's come all the way back.

I've done mindfulness too, and I guess all these things just take the edge off, but I would like to say not nice things to some people, and hey, do we all remember that I don't talk about work?  Yeah.  Right.  Ok.

I even had a drink the other night, the only thing that took the edge off my anger.  And then I just woke up feeling low the next morning, so hey, thanks for that Alcohol is a Depressant!

Sigh.

I need a break from myself I think.  Damnit.

Friday, 8 February 2013

Balance

Part of where my current frustration comes from with Jay and I is this feeling of unbalance.

Like he's going through a lot right now, and isn't able to be there as much for me because of it.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Selfishly, I don't like it of course.  But you can't be selfish in a relationship.

Can you?

So I want to let him have his crisis without pressuring him to be there for me, but then I start to feel like I need him to be there for me and then I don't know if it's my issue or if I'm being too demanding or if he's being too self-involved or if I'm overreacting or what.

I have, like, no idea here.

And that's so so frustrating.

I almost wish I didn't care about other people and could just be the crazy, demanding person I sometimes feel like, screw the consequences.  But it's all about balance, isn't it.

I'm just not sure how to find it with us right now.  Or if it needs to be unbalanced for a while.  And if so, for now long?

Thursday, 7 February 2013

In The After

In The Smallest Of Ways by foundimagination
I feel like there was a "Before The Email That Changed Things" and an "After."

And all the things I wanted to tell you about Jay and I before that, seem less important now.

I have a list, actually, of posts I was waiting to write about Jay, and things, and now I look at them and all I feel is the wall I've put up.  The wall I'm still not sure if it's necessary or just an old self-preservation habit that doesn't really help at all.  I know it doesn't feel good, whatever it is.

We've had glitches along the way, certainly, things he's told me or let me know about that would, quite honestly, freak me out.  And I'd tell him, hey I'm freaking out, and he'd be there for me and would reassure me and I'd breathe, and think, and often, get really weirdly good advice from Vince and be ok with things again.

But this time, Jay shared his living concerns with me, and I lost it, pretty completely, and he wasn't able to be there for me.

He's got too much going on, and not just with his uncertain future, but with his current work piling up on him and me wanting to talk/chat/email with him all the time all just got to be overwhelming for him and he asked for space.

And because I was still feeling unsettled from the email, the week to myself, not sharing my thoughts with him was harder than it might have been.  And for crying out loud, can we all just talk about the elephant in the room that all of this would be WAY way easier if we were having these heavy, big discussions while living in the same damn city?  Sitting on a couch in a living room, or even talking on the phone a ten minute drive away from each other?

Because they would be.

And if no one's mentioned it to you before, email is not the greatest form of communication.  There is no tone, no subtlety, and so when something difficult is said, there's no eye contact, or hand to hold, or shoulder to cry on.  And add to that the fact that after an email comes through there will be a half a day or more before a response can be written, it means way too much thinking time for my over-active brain and imagination.

And as a girlfriend pointed out to me last weekend, I maybe could remember to take a breath before I respond to an upsetting email.  To make sure I'm not just reacting.  Or at least to figure out what I'm reacting to.

Gah.

It's not easy, the distance.

As someone said in a comment the other day, it makes things feel bigger and harder than they probably actually are.

Which sucks.

I'm not good at thinking.

Or, rather, I'm too good at thinking.  Just not in helpful ways.  Man, even just typing this out is making me feel like my head will explode.  I'm going to have to do some relaxation after this for sure.

I know I'm not making sense, you all, I know I'm not because I can't even make sense in my own head.  I can't even explain to my friends what's going on, and I'm not even sure I have the words to tell Jay, although I'm trying, and finding them is easier after the week away from it.

"New Normal"

Not even there yet.  A normal would be nice.

Just in a different space than we were in for the previous six or seven weeks.  Those weeks were all about getting to know each other and falling for the people we were getting to know.  Those weeks were all about feeling love and connection and sharing and wow, so very awesome.

Now I'm in this strange space and just wanting to be through it.  Not yet seeing a light at the end of any tunnel, but this too shall pass, yes?  Or change, somewhat.  Or something.  Or end, eventually.  I suppose.

Man, I dislike talking about this.

Which probably means I should talk about it more.

Sigh.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Ugh

I really feel like I'm just talking nonsense here.  Just trying to see if anything comes out that makes sense, but I'm still in this weird haze of... weirdness.

So very unsettled.

There are things about Jay that I wish I could talk about, maybe even need to talk about, but that should stay private between the two of us.  Things, even, that he's asked to stay between the two of us specifically and I want to honour that request.

Of course I have things about him I'm uncertain about.  Things about who he is or how he's lived that are so different from my life that I will have to wait and see how I feel about us when we're an "us" before I know if I can really feel settled and safe with them, or if I can't quite get there.

And of course, I have my own issues and insecurities that I'm having to deal with and confront and work through around my own self worth and relationship baggage and history and bad habits and fears and just so much stuff.

I hate to turn into one of those people who says the things that are so damn annoying to hear when you're single, but being in a relationship has its own set of troubles and difficulties and concerns.

You have to think about how what you're doing/saying will affect someone else.  And you have to figure out where you're coming from and why.  And you have to try to see where they're coming from and if where they're coming from isn't healthy, how you'll handle that.  And you can't just fall back on your old, bad, habits, as much as you want to, even when you're tired and things would just be easier if you could have them read your mind already.

I'm not who I was last time I was in a relationship.  At all.  But those habits and unhealthy ways are still in there and like to try to come out to play, especially when I'm pushed too far out of my space, or get overtired, which I do, when there is such a massive time difference and I try to stay up late and get up early just to grab some time to connect. 

When I think about it, I think with Smith, I just wanted a relationship.  I wanted a relationship so bad, I ignored the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country.  I just wanted to be loved and to love.

And with Bird, I loved the connection and understanding we had and wanted that to become something other than what it was, which was not much at all.

With Chad, I loved being with him, and how much he made me smile and he was so super cute, I wanted to ignore all the other things about him that made me pause.  I just wanted to date him so much.  To stop having to date at all, really.  But I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, didn't feel ready for that, and was scared.

Now, with Jay, it's different.

It's about how close and connected I feel to this person.  And the potential I see for us building a life together.  It's about letting someone into my life, and wanting to understand them and their life too.

I do want a relationship with him.  Not just a relationship.  One with him.  I want to get to know him and to have him get to know me.  I want to go on adventures with him, big and small.  I want to go out and see a movie, go for a drive on a sunny weekend day.  I want to snuggle up against him on the couch and do nothing.  And, yes, I want to lie naked in bed with him and rediscover what it's like to be intimate and sexual with a lover.

The only thing I've done backwards with Jay is not having met him first.

The rest I've done correctly.  I've gotten to know him, and like him, and even love him, and that's the first time I've done that.

I want to meet him, so I can put all of this together into the person standing in front of me, and see.

It's starting to feel like it's been a long time coming, meeting him.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Unknown

Unsure by foundimagination
So Jay.

Or, perhaps, more to the point, Jay and I.

I, of course, want to document as much as possible here, so that I can look back on how things all began, or at least look back and see where I was right to be anxious, if things don't turn out the way I hope they will.

And of course, that's part of any relationship, I suppose.  The not being entirely sure of the future, and wondering if letting someone into your life is worth the future potential pain if things don't work out.

I remember with Smith, at least looking back on it now, never feeling happy, or secure.  Never really feeling settled and hopeful for a future because I didn't see how it would work, if neither one of us was willing to move, and if we'd spend a mere handful of days together, who would want to move anyway?

And with Bird, even, there was always me never knowing where he was coming from, or what he was thinking, or never being able to take him at his word, or rely on him, even though when we were together it was good, and I felt comfortable and safe when I was with him.

So of course with Jay there's still the rather massive unknown of us not having met yet.  And not really knowing how we will feel about each other when we do meet.  If there will be that spark, or if there will be enough of what we know of each other to see if a spark will grow if there isn't one there.

But even with us not having had the opportunity to meet yet, there are aspects in each other and in each other's personalities that we both like, and see potential with.  But, of course, there are still things we don't know about, and many of those are to do with the future.

Jay is looking to change careers, and of course that's a massive stress and uncertainty for him.  There is, I suppose, because of that, an uncertainty about where he may end up living, as he will need to go wherever a new job or career would be.

And, of course, this freaks me out.

Like, freaks me right the bleep out.

Pushes all my buttons, all at once, because here's someone I want to see if I can have a real relationship with, and see potential for an awesome relationship with and he may not end up living here.

Of course, he still may, but that uncertainty was enough to put me on a ledge the other week when it came up in an email.

There is already so much about Jay that is unknown to me, and so much I am worrying or wondering or freaking out about, and this one put me over the edge.

I feel like I took a thousand steps backwards, and probably closed myself off and up a fair bit too, just because it was a massive reality check that I didn't really want to have.

There are all these things that I can't control, and for a control freak as massive as I am?  It's so hard.  And so terrifying.

I really lost my mellow, and it felt awful, and I've been struggling to get it back ever since.

Jay and I, I think I said this, or maybe I only dreamed I said this, but we hashed out a few things this weekend when we did get time to chat, and one of the things we talked about was the fact that there's an aspect of us having fallen for the idea of each other, because we maybe can't know the real person until we get a chance to meet.

I think that's a bit more on his end than on mine, because I think I always had this in the back of my mind.  Or maybe I didn't, and the living situation email was what brought me back to a harsher reality.

Not that Jay and I meeting each other is going to fix everything.  But it will clarify a few things, I think, and will give us time to figure out how we feel about each other once we get to know each other for real.

In the flesh.

For now, though, I need to remind myself something along the lines of if it's meant to be it will be.

I just really want it to be.

And there are too many unknowns right now to feel the same confidence I felt a month or two ago.

Which is not a great feeling to feel, quite honestly.


Monday, 4 February 2013

Begging Your Pardon

I'm sorry, but that was a pretty shit week.

I gave Jay his space, and was fine with it for the first few days, but then started to feel unhappy about it but still wanted to give him his space so didn't say anything about it, even though he was sending me a short email most mornings.

It was, hard, I'll be honest, but what I realized this weekend was that what was hard about it was not being able to communicate with him, honestly and openly.

See, since we first started talking, I've emailed him every day.  Sometimes, well, most times, more than once a day. Sometimes big thoughts, sometimes small, sometimes in between.  And, like you know, if you read here regularly, I often sort through things in my head by writing about them, often not really understanding what I need or am feeling until I've typed it out.

So to not do that for a week, I think it's like I got all, bunged up, emotionally speaking.

Which, added to a super hard work week, did not make for a happy camper by the end of the week.

Jay and I did manage to find some time to chat this weekend, and we hashed through a lot of things and I think that'll have to be another blog post, another time because right now I'm just feeling like I'm still getting over the crap week that just was.

That was seriously emotionally draining, to be cut off from expressing myself.  Which, I guess is something important for me to have learned.

And yet another reason it's good that I have this blog.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah I hope I made sense.  I feel... like I'm coming down from a really weird trip.

Bad week.

Glad it's over.

The End.


Saturday, 2 February 2013

The Second Season I Am To Know

Early Evening by foundimagination
What a weirdly mild, mellow Winter we've had so far.  And here we are already February.

I know, often, February is when we get our cold snap, and maybe a dump of snow, but still, we usually have some hints of it through December, or certainly January.

Our trees are already starting to show blossoms and I bet soon enough I'll see a bulb peeking through the soil somewhere or other.

The days are getting longer, and I am so thankful for that, if nothing else.

Not to say the days haven't been dreary or rainy, but there have also been some mild, warm ones, and some gloriously sunny ones too.

I've had a few nights of needing extra blankets at night, and having to close a window or two, but in general, we're still waiting for whatever capital C Cold might be coming our way.

It's almost as if this season is just slipping by, and Spring's going to roll on through with hardly a blink from any of us.

Friday, 1 February 2013

But, Of Course

Had this dream the other night/morning that is still stuck in my brain.

I was walking down Fort Street (this only matters because Fort Street is a main street in town here and has antique shops and specialty shops and auctions and things like that) with a friend of mine that I haven't seen, in real life, in a few years.

But we were walking back from a lunch together (I think) when she asked if we could stop in the gold shop.

I knew that she and her husband regularly liked to invest in gold (in the dream, not in real life) so had no problem going into the gold shop with her.

(Is there such a thing as a gold shop?  I have no idea.)

So we went in and the nice ladies (it was all ladies in there and very subdued and rich/art gallery feeling) asked her what she'd like to see, and she sat down in the chair and they brought her champagne and she asked to see some "crystal clear gold with sparkles."

I felt a little out of place because it's rude to watch someone while they view their gold, but I don't have enough money to buy any gold so I just kind of hovered in the foyer half watching my friend and half pretending to study the artwork and statues next to the receptionist, who kept giving me chilly/fake nice smiles.

Eventually, my friend came and showed me what she'd purchased.  Two "clear sparkling" gold earrings and an "ebony white" gold ring.

I realized, when I woke up that neither of these things are really gold, but in my dream they were very expensive types of gold and obviously good investments, since gold is always a good investment.

Which, of course, everyone knows gold (coughcoughdiamondcough) earrings are really good investments when you want to invest in gold and shouldn't we all?





I have no idea what my brain was thinking.
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