Friday, 27 February 2015


I'm really thankful it's Friday and for a lot of other things in my life.

And that I managed to sleep well even though this week was very difficult.

And I only had one night of rough dreams.

Not sure what all I'll get up to this weekend if much at all.


Thursday, 26 February 2015

I Needed A Hug

My Saturday was a little rough you guys.

Or maybe a lot rough, I'm not sure... I think it was probably a lot rough at the time.

Jason and I were going to hang out but he never got back to me after a morning text of "I'll call you once I'm done" and as I'd already had a stressful week, I found this very upsetting.

I was exhausted from the week and actually went to bed really early and turned the lights out by eight.

I was sleepy but my mind wouldn't shut down and the thoughts it was having were just stressing me out so I got up.

Checked my phone to see if Jason had texted and maybe apologized and he hadn't but Jay had.

Yep.  Jay.  He'd sent me a random video he thought I'd like and I sent him back a thank you text.

And then we started text chatting a bit.  He's back doing what he did when we first "met" and so is halfway around the world again and he said something about how he thinks of me sometimes and I said I missed his energy because I do.

And then he asked how I was doing and I said it was a bit rough right now and so I told him a bit about that and then he told me how happy he is.

And how he's so happy to finally be in love again.  So in love.  With the love of his life.  Who really gets him and lets him be him.


Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

It just felt like getting kicked in the gut.  Not that he's happy, but that this fellow who told me he'd never actually been in love with me is now SO happy to FINALLY be in love.  Ouch.

We talked a bit more about how he's missing being away from her and I wished him well and told him I was sure they'd figure it all out but the whole conversation messed me up.

I do miss his energy.  But not the relationship.  Not how I felt, especially at the end.  And I don't miss how he treated me or to even use his own words "wasn't able to give me emotional security."

Or stability.

Or much of anything other than really good hugs.

Which I needed after that conversation.  Big time.

I got some Sunday, when Jason called and apologized for flaking out and we hung out for a bit and he listened while I cried about how stressed I was and how talking with Jay had really hurt and Jason's a really good listener and good at being supportive but neutral if that makes sense... like he doesn't just trash the other person, he points out how he sees it and supports me and, well, honestly?  I really appreciate someone I can absolutely break down with and they'll listen and talk me through it.

So... not the best Saturday... but this is a new week and it's still sunny for now and these longer days are really really nice.  You know?

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

The Saga Continues

(David Attenborough voice:  We re-join the scene as Victoria deals with having had cold feet due to her water bottle death earlier last week...)

Sooooooo I figured I could survive without a replacement water bottle til next Winter seeing as Spring seems to have arrived here already, but the super sunny (gorgeous) days last week were also chilly and my feets wanted some warmth so I put it on my to-do list for this weekend.

Also on my list for this weekend was an Ayurvedic head massage my brother had gotten me a gift certificate for for my birthday.  Saturday mid day, I set out on a lovely walk to the massage and left suitably relaxed and zen-ned out.

C-Dawg had had the massage before and told me my hair would be all oiled up but it felt pretty decent to me and since there were no mirrors in the place, I just kind of patted it into what I figured was a normal shape and went on my blissed out business.

I glanced in a shop window at one point and my hair seemed poofy but fine so I went into London Drugs to find me a hot water bottle.

Now, I was pretty relaxed from the massage so I didn't have any luck finding where they were hiding them but I did notice one lady in the store giving me a funny look which I just kind of ignored and walked home.

At which point I looked at myself in the mirror.

Not only did I have a "massage print" line on my forehead, half of my hair was sticking straight out on one side.  Whoops!  I looked a little cray cray so no wonder the nice lady gave me an odd once-over!  My bad.

Anyway... it wasn't until Sunday that I managed to get myself back to the store where the hot water bottles were CLEARLY on a shelf I'd looked right at the day before and, well, now my feet are toasty warm again, the end.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015


I got tickets to Burning Man!


It's a totally stressful process... you have to have a Burner profile and then you have a week to pre-register for the sale and then on the day of the sale you can click the link they sent you when you pre-registered and then you wait in virtual line to see if there are any tickets left by the time you're at the end of the line!  GAH!

They say it's first come first serve and that twice as many people register for the sale as there are tickets available and seeing as you can buy two tickets maximum, you have about a 25% chance of getting a tickets and I have no idea how 80,000 people can be processed on a split second clicking process but that's why I'm not an IT person.  And the IT people have all talked about it and written about it and the best analogy I've heard was ball bearings being poured into a funnel.

Needless to say, I tried to stay calm leading up to the time tickets went on sale but I got really nervous the last few minutes before and then once I clicked the link it was a matter of watching the time ticking away on the "waiting" page.

One hour wait... forty minutes...line paused (gah!) ... line un-paused ... more than an hour (oh no!) forty minutes...thirty... ten... ten... ten.... five... (GAH!)... you're in... anddddd?


So I got one for myself, one for my long time friend who's going to be a first time burner and I got a car pass (they're trying to reduce the number of vehicles being used) and texted Connor to let him know I'd had luck. 

He was still in line and would still be in line for another half an hour before being told tickets were sold out.

Poor Connor.

Fortunately, our gal Natalie from 2013 also managed to get tickets so Connor will buy her second and my friend Sarah will buy my second.

I'd worried for a long while because Sarah had another newbie friend who wanted to come and I had a newbie work friend who wanted to go but my work friend wasn't able to financially this year and Sarah's friend seems to have opted out so all those times I told myself not to worry, I was right.

Which is why I'm telling myself not to worry about the rest of it. 

I've got six months to put aside the money I'll need for food and gas and incidentals, and maybe the dollar will even recover a little by August, right? 

And Connor and Natalie and Sarah and I can meet and talk about how we want to get down there and if we take one vehicle or two and Sarah's already said she can leave earlier with me if I need to be back from work (I'm going on a family holiday earlier in the month so don't have as much time off from work as I would like, but I'm not complaining) so I'm learning, once again, that Burning Man is teaching me to just breathe and relax and trust that it will all work out for the best and I shouldn't worry because it doesn't help.

So, you guys?  I got my tickets to Burning Man!  WOO HOOOOOO!

And whew.

Monday, 23 February 2015


Wednesday was the individual ticket sales for Burning Man, and while I was lucky and got tickets, my stress level is shot.

I did everything I could to stay calm before and during the sales, telling myself there was nothing I could do to make it happen or not but it was tense.  Tense and stressful and then when I was done and through and had been lucky enough to secure tickets (one for me and one for a girlfriend of mine who wants to come for the first time this year) and heard that Natalie had gotten two tickets as well and so she and Connor would be coming this year too (which is a relief as well for travel and camping support) I was happy and relieved but then saw all the anger and upset and negativity online about all the people who hadn't gotten tickets and it really upset me.  A lot.

I would have been devastated if I hadn't gotten tickets; if none of us had.  I know this.  And I know it's very much luck of the draw and that makes it unfair and I guess one of these years I might end up without a ticket and that will be upsetting, but it just strung me out to hear so many people mad about the situation.

And then I looked at what would be going on my VISA bill (the exchange rate is not helpful right now) and I just kept worrying.  I'm very concerned about my finances right now and I feel like I'm stuck in a hole I put myself in and need to take myself out of with some painful choices.

And then Jason called and asked if I could loan him some money and I sat in a corner of my bathroom and cried.  Because I really felt like no matter what I did, I was going to lose.

I'm going to continue tightening up my budget and I'm going to ask my parents if they might be willing to help, even a little.  This is hard for me.  And then I'm going to have to stop giving Jason financial help.  Which is probably my biggest emotionally stressful secret of once I started to make that choice, I couldn't stop kind of issue. 

I mean too well sometimes.

So it was a stressful rest of the week, and I haven't even really managed to process and be happy about getting tickets and Burning Man because I'm still stuck feeling like I don't have the ability to pay for it all... because it ain't cheap.

I guess this is one of those breaking points...tipping points, and I hope things will start to change, but the joyful overnight change of a lotto win or something is probably not going to happen, so I just have to know and understand that this situation will be around for a while and I just have to keep chipping away at it and being kinder to myself and letting others fight their own battles.

It's hard.  And I don't really know how to talk about it.  Or want to exactly.  I don't know.

Saturday, 21 February 2015


I'm really not sure what happened but I'm lucky yesterday morning didn't go any differently.

I think I've told you about my multiple alarm system before, but just to put it back into our collective memories; I set my alarm for an hour earlier than I have to get up.  Then it wakes me and I re-set it for an hour later.  Then I also have a second alarm clock that wakes me up with gradual light so that when I'm getting up, it's light in my room. 

Except when I'm extra sleepy I'll often just keep snoozing the second alarm until the light alarm switches off because that's my time signal for ok no now seriously you have to get up V.

So yesterday morning I had had a bad night and knew I wouldn't be getting more than four or five hours of sleep.  So I guess I was very happily alseep when my body (which is pretty good at waking up at my regular time when I keep it regular) sort of went hey, it's pretty light out and I opened my eyes to peek at the clock.  And it was already past time my second alarm should have been going off and it wasn't.

So maybe I shut the alarm off instead of forwarding it an hour?  I've never done that before but that's my best guess... that I was so out of it/sleepy that I just hit the wrong button somehow.

And then I went back to sleep.

Um... yeah.  I WENT BACK TO SLEEP!

No, I don't really know why except that I sort of still didn't HAVE TO HAVE TO get up so I was relieved and closed my eyes again.

Reminder:  I didn't have an alarm that was snoozed that would go off again.  I... didn't think of this, I just went back to sleep.

Fortunately, my brain did clue in when the light alarm turned off, even though my room was pretty light from natural outside light (YAY, Spring!) so I don't really know why I registered it, but all of a sudden I realized I had pretty much nearly slept myself out of getting up at all that morning.

Yikes.  So glad it worked out as well as it did... not sure what happened, but if it happens this weekend I'll be making some changes, that's for sure!

Friday, 20 February 2015


And in the strangest notice I've probably ever received....

"Dear Residents, we will be replacing ALL shower heads with high efficiency shower heads over the next two weeks."

Um... ok?

It's just.. weird?

(And as if it wasn't odd enough, they're giving us "48 hours notice" as required by law but a two week span of 9 hours a day they might be showing up to do it and I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm comfortable with that.)

Updated Saturday morning to add:  They just came by and gave me the new head so I can use the one I have and replace it with this one when I move out.  Yay.

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Splish Splash

Still nothing much of any interest to say but my hot water bottle broke last night...

I know they don't last forever and I probably use water that's too hot, thereby hastening their demise, but still.  I have a hot water bottle cover, but once it starts to chill a little, I take the cover off and just use the bottle.  In bed, I generally have it on my feet until I'm ready to sleep and then it gets kicked out onto the floor.

Last night, I was warming my tootsies, but the hot water bottle was merely a lukewarm bottle, so I moved it up to give it a hug for a while.

And that's when my feet found wet.


And then my brain processed... the hot water bottle must have leaked.

And sure enough, a tiny hole on the edge.

Aww nuts.  Because now I had to get up and deal with the wet sheets.

Except I kind of didn't because I wanted to go to sleep!  Instead, I laid a towel underneath the wet portion and rolled all the blankets off to the other side and kept reading my book.

When it came time to sleep I pulled the covers back over and told myself my body heat would help... evaporate the water or something scientific and then this morning I pulled the covers off again to make sure it was dry.

So I don't have a hot water bottle right this instance, but seeing as Spring seems to have come early, I might manage ok without one for a while.

And in other news, I guess you just throw out a hot water bottle?  Not sure where to recycle rubber?

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

I Have Nothing Of Interest To Say

So here's random boring stuff:

I got a haircut last week.

I walked to my acupuncture appointment this weekend.

It was super sunny yesterday.

The days are getting longer.

Well, I mean, the amount of light... the hours in the day are staying the same.

My running shoes have holes where my big toes are trying to poke through the top material.

A lot of things are stressing me out right now but I'm trying not to get caught up in them.

I feel like we didn't get a Winter at all here.

It's Wednesday.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015


So my leg really likes music.


I was at a meeting yesterday (spy stuff, can't tell you any more!) and during a particularly quiet, introspective type of moment, the Beatles suddenly started to play.

Everyone looked in my general direction and when I realized there was no one and no stereo system behind me, I went bright red and reached into my pocket to take out my phone.

My phone which was on silent, but had somehow been opened up to the Music app and taken to the Beatles playlist and started a song.

MY LEG DID IT!  Through my pocket!!!

I guess I put the phone away not completely locked or something, and the lining of my pocket is thin enough to conduct heat?  And so my leg decided it wanted some tuneage and man... was I ever embarrassed!

I mean, it wasn't a big deal and is pretty amusing but yeah, that had never happened before!

Except this weekend I went out for a walk and had my phone in my pocket and all of a sudden it got REALLY LOUD!!!!

Because once again, my leg/pocket/not quite locking it had allowed my leg to turn up the volume.

Dude.  My leg loves it some music...

Monday, 16 February 2015

Yay, Finally!

I finally had a good "my parents at Burning Man" dream!

It was... Saturday night (or whenever dreams happen.. morning?  I don't know...) when I had it, as far as I can remember.

We were out for a wander one night (as one does) and we decided to go be in the crowd at an electronic music show.  It's not a type or style of music any of us enjoy but the idea was sort of that we'd just be a part of it to see what it was all about.  (You know, things make sense in dreams right?)

Dad had brought a camp chair and was sitting comfortably in it in the middle of the dance pit area and I kept thinking what a brilliant idea it was to have brought a chair but my Mom said I could sit on her lap so I was comfy too.  (No, my mother could not sustain my body weight, but hey, dream rules are different!)

Then the sound system got messed up because of the dust (this is like an actual show I was at last Burn where the electrical kept going out... because dude, we're in the middle of a dust filled desert for Pete's sake!) and eventually they just called it quits which was fine with us because we didn't really want to listen anymore anyway.  Mom and Dad decided they'd head back to the tents for bed and I went out with my friends to go find other fun things to do and it was all very happy and relaxed and easy and good.

Yay!  Here's to more non-nightmare Burning Man dreams!

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Will You Be My Valentine?

Happy Ballytimes day.

I love you and am sending you hugs and I hope you can spread some love and happy today and all those sorts of good things.

*Blows kisses*

*Sends cupid with his arrows all around to make people happy and giddy in love with everyone*

*Goes off in search of puppy snuggles and other good things*

Friday, 13 February 2015


Oh.  It's a Friday the 13th.  Didn't notice until I went to pick the publish day for this post.


Anyway... I figured I'd counter the mega stress dream from the other night with the most delicious dream I've had in a while!

Not saying this one will make any sense either... in fact it will probably make even less sense.

So, I'm at a house party.  Fun, but not too busy, when I realize there are two guys here that I'm supposed to pick to date.  Or whatever.

And because this is apparently how these things work, they both have their leather pants on and shirts off (I KNOW!) and their totally muscly backs are also covered in scars from being whipped.  (Probably channeling Jamie Fraser from Outlander?) Because this indicates they are available to be my boyfriends.  (Seriously, the dream makes no sense at all but it was AWESOME!)

So one of them is a little more arrogant than the other and this totally turns me off so I choose to chat with the nicer blonde one and before you know it we're sitting on the couch and he's giving me a head massage and it feels so good I'm drooling and pretty sure we're going to get married.

(I think this is because C-Dawg just had a head massage and said it was the most amazing thing ever.)

But yeah, super sexy dream (ahem) that was awesome at the time and makes no sense now!  Yay brain!

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Not The Movie

I had another dream of taking my parents to Burning Man.  (Assuming I told you about the other one.....which is why I say "another"... because this isn't the first!  Ahem.)

Seeing as these are apparently stress dreams, it was yet again another non-restful situation.  Nightmare-esque in its stress level.  And weirdness.

So there we were, at Burning Man.  Except whenever I dream go with my parents it's very different.  Like very actual city like... (which it's not) but, yeah, so we're there and out for a walk but my Dad's still wearing his long pants and shirt and so I'm worried about him because of the heat (he won't change into shorts because this is a dream and I'm worrying... apparently.)  So this is upsetting, but not much I can do about it as he's an adult making his own decisions. 

Then the three of us are walking back through what's basically like how I remember Bellis Fair mall and I turn around in the massive crowd of people and can't see my Mom.  So I stop to try to look for her but Dad's not worried about her so we just keep walking.  But I keep saying that I don't think she can find her way back to our camp and so I'm worried about that too.

Then my Dad and I went and explored the caverns underneath the Man (not a thing either)

So basically it's horribly stressful to take my parents to the dream Burning Man because it's never as awesome and I told them it is and then I worry about them.

Dreams... why you stress me out???

Wednesday, 11 February 2015


This town's had compost pickup for a while, but January 1st was the "you're not allowed to put organics in the garbage for reals anymore" date.

And while my apartment building was not terribly helpful (ie. didn't buy us all kitchen compost buckets) having the large compost bin out by our garbage and recycling bins meant I could actually start composting.

Composting done well is great.  Composting done poorly is gross and nasty and stinky and makes fruit flies and mold and ewww.  I grew up with a giant compost in the back that my parents would use to fertilize our gardens so composting has never really been a big deal to me.  Living in an apartment without a compost bin is harder though as it would have meant collecting my organics and taking them to a site regularly and I wasn't willing to do that. (sad face)

So when the pamphlets showed up in our mailboxes I researched kitchen compost bins and ordered one that promised to keep away smells and stuff and it arrived a few days later and off I went.

Am I taking the garbage out less?  Not sure.  There's still a ton of stuff that doesn't get recycled or composted... and I have to take the compost out every couple of days or else it gets on the iffy side smell wise.

I am happier to be composting, even if it's another step to think about and it did take me a couple of days to retrain myself to not just chuck organics in the trash can. 

So, yeah.  Now I have the ability to not throw out paper, plastics, and organic materials.  It's surprising how much of what was going out in my garbage can be composted instead.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015


I try, every once in a while, to go onto the online dating site to see if there's anyone there I'd be interested in getting to know.

I'm sure I've talked about it before but it's a fairly painful process for me for a number of reasons and I generally don't last longer than a few minutes these days before I feel completely disheartened and log back off.

Yes, I have chatted with two attractive, interesting guys that I originally found on the site but those profiles are few and far between. 

I suppose some of it may have to do with my age sliding ever upwards and this meaning the age of those I'm considering dating also sliding upwards, but the online dating profile system forces me to judge via the provided photographs, and that in and of itself is a bumpy ride.  Once I've picked my way past the beer holding, "sexy" lady kissing, this is my truck leaning guys, I'm left with a very few... and it's on to their written profiles.

Where I come across seemingly nice, decent looking guys who have profiles that start with "If you're a petite Asian woman you will definitely get my attention, but if you're not, don't let that put you off."

And I try to tell myself that I appreciate his honesty but the rest of me is just nope.  Nope because I'm neither of those things and I don't even know how I feel about that statement.

I just know it sucks.  It sucks either just the same as it did when S first signed me up or it sucks even more... unless that's just me.

So, that's not really happening...

Monday, 9 February 2015


If you don't live in BC, I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but it's a holiday Monday here today!!!!

I can't begin to tell you how happy I was on Friday when it started to sink in that I had three days to relax this weekend.  I don't know why that extra day seems so luxurious, but oh does it ever.

My plans for the weekend fell through but that's ok, I had time to myself and relaxed and did some chores and tidying and I don't really mind what I get up to today because it's a total bonus day.

I'm getting paid to not be at work (at least, I'm pretty sure I'm getting paid!) and I don't actually have to be anywhere or do anything today and I'm going to enjoy that feeling.

Happy Monday y'all.  Here's to "Family Day", woo hoo!

Saturday, 7 February 2015

I Am So Awesome!

I fixed my toilet.

All by myself!

Ok, ok, it wasn't a big job, but I'm still proud of myself!

My toilet seat was starting to wiggle to one side.  And since I didn't feel like having it shear off at an inopportune moment, I figured I'd take a look to see if I could make it better myself.

I saw little cover things, flipped them off using the side of a knife, and then used that knife to tighten the.. uh... plastic bolt screw like things and now my seat doesn't wiggle anymore!

May not seem like that big of a deal but I'm feeling all domestically awesome for figuring it out and fixing myself and not having to call someone in to do it for me.

I am handy, hear me roar!

Friday, 6 February 2015


My alarm clock is tuned to the radio, a station I like that plays a good rotation of music and amusing but not loud morning guys.

I generally listen to a blip of the song before rolling over to hit snooze anyway, but some mornings if it's a good song and I need to get up I'll listen to the whole thing.

Which is how I discovered the weirdness.

Here's what I think happens.  I think that when my upstairs neighbour is walking around their bedroom, or possibly even in their bed, there are certain places they'll move into that work as an anti-antenna.

If that makes sense?  Because the other morning I was lying there listening to a song and it went fuzzy... like, radio bad reception fuzzy.

And then ok again... and then fuzzy.  I wasn't moving, although there have been some other fuzzy mornings that I can fix when I reach towards the radio, but it wasn't me this time.

So I'm thinking that when they're in particular spots it... I don't know, interferes with... whatever.

And science-y stuff.


Thursday, 5 February 2015

Things I Learned

So there's at least one or three cats that are outdoor cats in my neighbourhood.  I mean, I'm sure there are more than that, but who's counting?

This last week leading up to the weekend one of those cats has been... dying, I thought.  But when I mentioned it to Jason he was all "hideously loud noise that sounds like it's dying?  Yeah, that's a cat in heat."

Which, led me to a google search and some very awkward youtube videos, but yeah, this cat... wanted some loving real bad.


I think it was Friday night when it was out there for the third or fourth night yowling away and my upstairs neighbour opened his window and started meowing back at the cat.

Which made me laugh.

And because I almost always have my windows open and sit by one of my windows, I'm pretty sure my laugh would have echoed back up to him and his meowing.

Because he stopped meowing and closed the window.

But I thought it was awesome.

And, why do cats never sound like they're having fun when they're making babies and stuff? And do large cats make even more noise?  Like... lady lions?  GIANT SCREAMING DEATH MRWARW???

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Even If It Mispronounces Things

My home phone has been limping along for the last little while... key buttons becoming harder and harder to make work.

It's not an expense I felt like I needed, so I put it off for a while and then finally gave in and went and bought a cheap new one.

Which was so cheap everything sounded terrible including the ring and the people on the other end of the line.

So back it went, and I bought the more expensive brand that I was used to.

But the cheapest one of those.

Which, as it turned out, did not have a feature that I didn't realize I'd grown to love.  "Spoken caller ID"

So, for example, when I'm in the bath it says "Call from Sarah" and I can, because I usually have my cell phone near my bath, text Sarah and say "hey, just in the bath, what's up?"

Or, I can ignore a call from "Unknown number" when I'm cozy on my couch.  I don't know, I just didn't know it was something I liked until this new phone didn't have it.

The new phone lasted a couple of days before I really missed the talking phone and went and exchanged it.

So now I know, from my phone's "voice" who's calling when the phone's not right there next to me.

I know, C-Dawg thinks I'm crazy to care and you probably do too but sometimes it's the little things.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015


February, eh?

Anyone else kind of surprised by that?

Maybe it was the whole birthday thing this year and the rest of the difficult stuff that December and January had me going through but man does February ever feel like a breath of fresh air.

Plus?  It's just about light in the mornings when I wake up, and the days aren't dark at 4pm either!

Speaking of mornings... I was having this great dream the other morning... I was watching me, but as a child, in elementary school.  And kid me was just about to write out all the things that are awesome about me and I was so happy to be getting to see that list and then my alarm went off and woke me up.

Argh!  Now I don't  know what I was about to say!

Monday, 2 February 2015


Sorry, but I'm going to whine about it again... in a slightly new way because I'm pouting and feeling low and so I'm writing about it, the end.

I took a couple of shots I really liked this weekend.  And I wanted to put one in to the "Your best of the month" challenge on one of the sites so I asked Jason which of four or five I sent him he thought was the strongest.  He picked one and I put that into the "please critique" group and, well, it got critiqued.

I liked the shot.  Thought it was cool when I took it.  Liked how I edited it in post.  Jason liked it of the ones I sent him.

Then I asked for critique, I suppose hoping for positive suggestions but basically got told it was uninteresting, poorly balanced (too dark AND too light) and not particularly good in any way that those two people could see.

Now the comments and critiques are very fair and balanced and not at all unkind but perhaps partly due to my mood or how I was hoping the shot would be received it really stung.

I'll get over the sting I'm sure... I'm writing this right after reading the critiques and I know time will temper the ouch.  But really, I feel like I want to curl up and have someone hug me while I feel sorry for myself and I'm not sure why.

I complained that no one was paying any attention to my photos, and then I asked for attention and am now upset that they pointed out things that didn't work in a photo that I thought was ok.

It's, I suppose, what Jason warned me about... that moving up a level in this way wasn't for everyone and that I might not enjoy photography the same way.

It's not that I'm not enjoying it.. it's just that I don't think anything I do is much good anymore.  Or when I think it's good, people who are more skilled than I am point out that it's not really all that great.

And that's disheartening.

I'm finding comfort in flickr, of all places, because people there are just positive.  They look, and if they like it they favourite the photo and/or comment.  So at least I know people are looking and at least someone likes it enough to hit the little pink star.  Sometimes I tell myself that maybe I'll just stick to flickr and the happy little high fives I feel like it gives me.  (But the truth of it is, there are people on flickr who get millions of views and hundreds of favourites, and if I'm not careful with my thoughts I'll start to feel crummy about that too.)

I think I'd be interested to see some critiques of Jason's work.  Like if he threw some of his shots into this pool and asked for critique if they'd have nothing but positives to say or if someone would find something to suggest.  I'm sure it works like that with any level but man... I guess that one hurt because I thought it was ok but then figured maybe it was a bit better than ok because Jason said it was.

Yes, I wish everyone instantly liked everything I did because it was amazing and perfect and wow, look at me go.  But... that's not happening.  Or realistic.

It's also perhaps why I haven't put anything into that site for critique in about a month.  Maybe I wasn't quite as mentally ready as I thought I was.  Or maybe the mainly positive reaction I got on my last critique request made me think I'd get the same again.

I don't know.  Just feeling blue and trying not to get too down on myself.  And wishing I could figure out how to not take it personally the times that I do.

I need a hug.

(Edited to add:  I called Jason a bit after I wrote this and we had a good talk about it and he gave me over the phone hugs and told me I'm doing great and all that good stuff.  Still sniffling about it, but I'll be fine.)
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.