How Long Is This Damn Tunnel Anyway?

One of the things that I kind of have to actively avoid thinking about, and I'm sorry to bring it up here and making it a permanent publicly displayed thought, is "how will this ever actually end?"

I know we're learning more and more about this virus every day, and that scientists and doctors and experts are working really really hard to figure things out and I am so grateful for that.

I just, of course, don't know the answer for myself, and that's hard for my anxiety to handle when all it really ever wants is simple, clear, very black and white answers.

(Which, hi, life doesn't really do anyway but this situation certainly isn't doing....)

So I avoid thinking of "how long" and all the rest that goes along with that, but it's hard, and it's there and I wonder and I'm scared.  And there is still a part of me, I swear, that isn't accepting that this is really happening in like a bizarre way... some kind of self preservation thing I'm sure but ugh.

Blah.

Sigh.

I don't like this.

Hold On Just A Second

You're telling me it's May?

As in we just finished April???

WHAT?

Things are so weird right now...

Sometimes It Drives Me Bonkers

I live in an older building.  And one of the things that they did not "update" when they did our "reno-viction" was the heating system, which for my apartment is a radiator system.

I've mentioned before my success at finally turning off the heat a couple of weeks back, but what I haven't mentioned is the noise...noises.  Sigh.

Whenever they (being plumbers) do something in the building to the water (or boiler?) system, it means air gets into the system and my radiators make noises.

I learned this the fourth or fifth time a plumber came in to deal with my noisy radiators and he said basically "we all know that in these old buildings when we do something to the system, we'll have to come bleed and deal with some radiators."

Well a few months ago we got a notice that our water was being shut off for repairs or something in one of the suites.  And, of course, my radiators started making "running water" noise after that.  But I didn't do anything.  Because I didn't feel like it at the time.  And then Covid hit and I no longer want someone coming into my place (unless it's an emergency) and, well, my radiators are still making noise.  The main/largest one is the one in my main room ("living room") and for the last week or so it has been sounding, I kid you not, like the bubbles a big water cooler bottle makes.

I mean, not all the time.  But enough that it's actually starting to drive me a little bonkers.

When I had the radiator on, it was making "running water" noises, but now the echo of this dripping that ends up being the water cooler BLOOP sound is... getting on my nerves.

I know I could call and ask for a plumber to come look at it and hopefully fix it but my anxiety really really doesn't want a stranger in my place right now.  And honestly, that's assuming they'll come out for something that's not an emergency.

Which means I'm considering trying to do something about it myself.  And I assume that would mean "bleeding" the radiator, which I've seen them do and also looked up online.  Do I think I can do it well?  Oh, heck no.  Do I currently have the tool for it?  Oh, heck no.  (Radiator key and water ... pan for catching water.)  Do I have any idea what I'd be doing?  NOPE!  But "trying to ignore it" only goes so well depending on the day and general sanity level so... I might actually be looking at buying myself a radiator key tool and, um... trying to do a thing.

Because BLOOP.

BLOOP.

BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP!!!

Unforeseen Consequence

When I stopped going out (mid March?) I stopped driving as much.

For a good few weeks the only driving I did was to drop off or pick up something at Jason's and that's a maybe 15 minute slow drive.  At the end of March my car started sounding not so good when I started it.

And a few days after that it was really struggling to start.

Now my anxiety of course suggested that CAR WAS DYING AND GOING TO COST SO MUCH MONEY, but I've also been learning about cars over the last few years so I sat for a bit and thought.

Hmmm... my car hasn't been driven much.  So the alternator hasn't been... um... alternating... er, charging the battery.  So maybe if I take it for a drive I can see if that helps?

So I went for a little late night drive.  Probably half an hour, maybe forty minutes.  Just to a farther away part of town and back.  I felt like I was doing something illegal since we aren't really supposed to do things we don't need to and although there was no traffic I half kept expecting police to pull me over at which point I'd have to try to explain that I was trying to keep my car healthy at 11:00 at night?

Anyway, I did that short-ish drive experiment and the next time I went to start my car it sounded and felt so much happier.  So last week I drove out on the highway out towards where the ferries are (but not that far) and now my car feels a lot happier and hopefully "back to normal."

I'm going to try to remind myself to drive places to keep the car healthy and to do a longer, highway speed drive once a month at least.

But yeah, something I didn't really expect to happen with staying home and not driving... look after your cars y'all, they might be missing driving!

Le Blown Budget

How I shop these days is drastically different from how I used to shop B.C.  (before Covid/Corona, not the other C...I'm not *that* old!)

My usual shopping habits include keeping a mild track of what I was running low of and sticking that on a list.  Then I'd casually check for it to be on sale for the next while and if it didn't go on sale before I ran nearly completely out, I would purchase it full price with a sigh. 

Now, I make a list and I transfer that list to one of the stores I'm using for online shopping and delivery.  One is a local grocery store, one is a fairly local (this coast of Canada I think?) non-grocery store, and one is Amazon, for those things that neither of the other stores have.  Between those three, I'm usually able to find one that has the item and then it's a matter of if it will be in stock when I order and then how long it will take to be delivered.

So it's meant a few changes.  The main one being that I try not to leave things last minute.  Because I'm not just "popping out" to the store anymore, so I can't let things run as low as I used to.  I mean, let's be honest, I CAN, I'm just choosing not to.  So I'm trying to anticipate running out of things a lot earlier than I would have.  Like needing a refill of vitamins at half a bottle rather than at the tail end of the bottle.  Because a delivery might not come in a week, it might be two, or three, or they might not have stock, it might be longer?

And yes, my anxiety is messing with this process, for sure.  Like I keep having this huge fear that the supply chain will break down and that I will not be able to buy... whatever the thing is.  And yes, I do reassure myself that I can live without the stuff, for sure.  As long as I maintain my shelter, food, and water, I should be ok.  But as we all know, anxiety doesn't really care about "logic" like that, so my anxiety around shopping is high.

I know folks are still going into stores.  I'm not.  I think I have been into one store once a month or so ago because someone close to me was turning 50 and I wanted to get them a special card and I couldn't find any online (certainly not that would come in time) so I went in, as protected as I could make myself and I didn't like it and I spent the next 10 days hoping to stay asymptomatic.  (Sigh)

So, yeah, I have an ongoing list for groceries that I try to add to.  I get a delivery so far once a week, and so far I've turned it into a fun game of "what did I *actually* get and what substitutions and what did I not get at all!?"  And then I have an ongoing list of "other things" like, oh, I dunno, moisturizer to help my hands stop cracking with the washing?  Or, yes, I confess, the chocolate bar or two (guilt).  And then I have another list of things I can't get via grocery or other store that I will likely have to get from Amazon.  And rarely, if ever (with the exception of the grocery store) are things on sale.  Not because they're not ON sale, but because my timing is shifted.  I'm no longer wandering through stores checking for sales on items I need soonish, I'm ordering said things at whatever price they're at and hoping they arrive in time before I run out.  (Or before whatever fear my anxiety tells me might happen.)

And then, yes, I have the delivery anxiety.  Jason says I can deliver to his place if I want, and I think I might start that, not so much for the contact situation, but more for the ongoing stress waiting for deliveries brings me.  Not groceries through, because... fridge and stuff. 

But I also have this anxiety that I'm trying to figure out that has something to do with fearing not having stuff.  Like wanting to buy Thing before the online stores close because... of this world situation.  Be it a strike, or illness or supply breakdown or, I don't even know... but I have this huge internal push to GET THE THING that six months ago I would have just shrugged off.  Like I bought a trio of books that I have NO NEED for, especially since I have my entire bookshelf of books to read through but there was a panic buy of them.... sigh.  So yeah, my budget is a disaster.  And I am still not able to find certain things... like *certain brand* wipes.  And liquid hand soap has been hard to find for a month now (Jason just apparently went into a store and bought me some and well, people being nice to me makes me cry).

I'm trying though.  I told myself today that it's really only been two months, and so whatever routine I might settle into with regards to purchasing this way may yet settle out.

Like for sure in the month of March I was really high anxiety and probably panicking about things and I spent a LOT of money in that time, but maybe now that I have that extra container of Vitamin C and that extra shampoo or whatever it was I bought.... maybe now I can have a bit of a breather on purchases?  Because damn, my VISA would really appreciate that.  Sigh.

I legit remember thinking to myself that when "lockdown" (or whatever we're calling it... "stay at home"?) happened that I would save SO MUCH money because I wouldn't be wandering the stores and shopping.  I had no idea I would have this panic to buy things.  And no, I haven't hoarded, and no I haven't stocked up on what it seems many have (I've got a normal amount of toilet paper, I have a normal amount of cleaning supplies, the only masks I have are from my Burning Man gear, and I have one thing of gloves that turn my hands into sauna swimming pools... but I digress)

I am working to reign in my spending and get back to something resembling a budget so that I can go back to not spending money I don't really have.  I'm working on it, while also trying to remind myself that I'm also working against my anxiety and internal not-helpful-thoughts.

March and April were financially not good for me.  I'm hoping to calm and change that for the better.

Glares At Self

I hope none of you have stomach issues, and so can't relate to this....  but I'm seriously sitting here on Sunday morning (as I write this) and I KNEW if I ate what I did it would upset my stomach like 98.5% sure... and I ate it anyway... and now I'm sitting here with an upset stomach and it is really completely totally my fault and so there's nothing I can blame except me.

Sigh.

But yes, the thing I shouldn't have eaten tasted very good at the time I ate it.  And no, I don't want any more of it any time soon because bleargh.  But, yes, I will likely risk it at some future point because while I may be smart, I can also be dumb.

Le sigh.  I should maybe put myself in a corner for a time out or something.... but it kind of feels like the upset stomach is enough "punishment" for now.

Sorry me.

Zzzzzzz?

How's everyone's sleep?

I'm hoping I'm not going to jinx myself but I'm a bit hit and miss.  But I ask because Jason doesn't seem to be sleeping much at all since this started (on a "good" night he says he'll get a few hours in a row) and when he mentioned that to a doctor today the doctor said that was pretty common right now.

So... informal survey... how's your sleep?

Whoops

So it seems that me finally figuring out how to turn my radiator off meant the weather cooled off and that I then had to turn it back on (a little)!  So, sorry for the weather shift y'all, that's totally my bad!

I don't mind it at all though.  Nor do I mind the light in the sky at nine pm the other night.  I don't mind that at all!

Spring is certainly here.  The trees along the streets near me have gone from "kind of thinking about budding?" to "WE ARE TOTALLY ALL GREEN LEAVES NOW WOOO HOOOO" and it's very... Spring and New Life and all sorts of good things.

But yeah, the cold?  My fault, sorrrryyyyyyy!

Ahhhhhhh

Well I finally managed to turn down/off the radiators in my place!  Phew!

We don't have much control over the heat here, although they include "heat and hot water" in the rent.  *shrug*  So I assume the boiler heat is adjusted seasonally (although I'm really just guessing) and, well my place has been kind of icky hot.

Yes, it's warmer these days (and lighter longer too YAY!) but I'm talking 24 C. at night.... and it's only *just* Spring.

Now, you know how things are generally "righty tighty, lefty loosy" and so usually to turn something off you turn it to the "right".  Except my main room radiator the screw/dial/knob (?) thing is... either sideways or backwards or I'm not even sure how to describe it other than to turn it off I have to bend my arm and hand in a weird way.

So I thought I'd turned it the correct way but it was still putting out some heat.  Not a lot.  But enough to drive the temperature up even with my windows open.

I wondered if they hadn't adjusted the boiler or if I'd just made that up completely and I thought before I sent them a message about it I'd try one last experiment.  So... I girded my loins for potential heat overload and I turned the radiator ALL the way the OTHER way.  And CUE ANGELS SINGING the darn thing turned off and now my place is cool again YAY!

So I made a note on my calendar for myself for next Spring that to turn off this radiator I have to turn it to MY left (when facing the thing) and hopefully that will make sense next year.  And stuff.

Now I'm just confused as to my other radiators where the dial/knob/thing is "normal" but feels ... wrong.  Sigh.  I dunno.  Old buildings man, I tells ya!

Sigh

I had a blog post all started in my head and then I sent a text to someone and now I've completely forgotten what all I was going to talk/write about.  Le sigh.

I, um, guess I'm doing kind of ok.  Not... great, but not awful anymore either.  Like I've said before, March was awful, and I was terrified that that's what the next X number of months would feel like. 

I said to someone the other day that I just want to feel safe again.  They said that they just wanted to get back to work and I said that I just want to feel safe again.  And that I have no idea when that might actually be.  When there's a vaccine?  Which could be years?  I don't know.

I have also been trying to read less and less about it, which means there are some things I'm not entirely clear about, and when I do try to read about them, I tend to get mixed messages and I end up just stressed and confused again because I prefer when things are black and white and life doesn't work in that way with much of anything.

But, like, when do I get to feel a little more "safe" or "relaxed"?  Will I find out some day that I've had it and have antibodies?  Will that mean I'm immune?  Not?  Can I get it again?  A different version?  Have I already?  Will I get it and die?  Or be very sick?  Or not?  I don't know.  I think what would make me feel a little safer is some kind of indication that I've had it (and am ok) and that I can't have it again.  Because that would take away half of the fear.  I'd still be cautious about potentially spreading to others, but I think if I knew I had had it and wasn't going to contract it again I could relax a little  (and just worry about my loved ones and friends and those I know.....sigh)

Other than that I don't know how to feel safe.  Or safer.  I'm scared of everyone and everything right now.  I had a panic attack the other morning because I dropped off a birthday gift to my Mom.

(My parents are both in the "high risk" age group, but my Mom was a nurse and so she and my Dad are being extremely cautious and careful.)

I had wrapped it and put it into a paper bag more than a week ago to make sure that any virus I might have spread onto it would have "died".  I did all that and let her know I'd one it and then I wore gloves the day of and left it outside their door and I trust that she was careful with it but that morning I panicked because my anxiety told me that I was bringing the virus to my parents and they were going to get sick and die and that it would be my fault and so I sat in my car sobbing and shaking and wiping down all of the surfaces I could reach.  "This was supposed to be a nice, happy thing" I thought... I called Jason and he told me I'd been careful and safe and that my Mom would be too on her end, but still... the fear and anxiety is constant and terrifying right now.  I wish I could get some peace there, but it may be that I just have to live with it.

Sigh.

I shouted up to my parents from the side of their building up to their place, and then I did a video call with them later and my Mom said it was a very memorable birthday but yeah...

And then one of my neighbours knocked on my door and gave me a hand made face mask she'd sewn (complete with nose piece and slot for "filters") and that was so sweet and emotional and I think I babbled something to her about "going to cry now, this is so nice" so... yeah.

Life.  Eh?

More Handwashing Thoughts

I had another thought about my handwashing "issues", and how to best keep my hands from hating me.

I realized that for a lot of the handwashing I'm doing I'm actually using dish soap.  See, I have a hand pump of dish soap next to my kitchen sink and it's super convenient for washing my hands when I first come in the door, so I've been doing that.  And, it's like, 20 steps more convenient than going to the bathroom to use "real" soap the rest of the time too, so.... yeah, dish soap. 

And then the other day as I was washing my hands in the bathroom I thought "you know... this soap *feels* different" and I realized that yeah, it probably actually is.

I'm no soap expert (I only play one on tv!) but I bet there are completely different ingredients (I want to say "surfactants"???) in dish soap than hand/body soap and that dish soap is somehow harder (for grease?) and so has maybe been even meaner to my poor hands than need be.

I've put some moisturizer next to my sinks as a starting point, but they're still looking really... rough.  So I'm trying to order some hand soap pump stuff for my kitchen sink to hopefully keep my hands clean but less beaten up.

Because along with the hangnail situation, they're also looking suddenly really really aged.  I've always been conscious of my hands and the skin on them and I've always tried to sunscreen them (when I remember, whoops!) and I know they're aging, just like the rest of me and the rest of my skin but this increased washing (both length/amount and frequency) really seems to be making the skin not so happy.

So I'm hoping that if I start using "non dish" soap and keep up with my moisturizing (and moisturizing from the inside too, thanks water!) that my hands will be clean and also not too terribly upset with me.

They Paved Paradise

I haven't used this thing (in the photo) in a while but it's a "fruit guard".... you can put your fruit in it (of appropriate shape/size of course) and it will keep it from getting bashed too much in your lunch bag.  When I bought it, I also noticed that it accidentally (?) looked super cute!  Aaaaaanyway....

I was thinking, in addition to how it sometimes hits me what a unique situation this is... a worldwide phenomenon.... I also am quite regularly hit by an intense sadness around it all.  It hurts me and makes me sad that we have to be like this... that we have to consider physical distancing and gloves/masks to be around people in a way I don't think we are really built for.

I mean, I'm an introvert.  For sure.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss interacting with people.  I still smile and nod and say hello, from a distance, on walks, when I pass someone.... sometimes.  But I miss the closeness.  I miss avoiding each other on sidewalks.  Noticing a runner approaching and skimming past you.  Reaching down to let a dog sniff my hand as I wander by.  I miss people just being relaxed around each other.  I miss being annoyed that someone was in your personal space bubble because it was annoying, not because there might be an exchange of a scary virus.  And yes, I know, I know, we're always incidentally spreading colds and flus and germs with our closeness, it's just this one is different.  And it makes me sad sometimes to see.

I got emotional the other day driving past a grocery store and seeing the long line of folks, physically distanced, wearing gloves and masks and all the rest and I wish it wasn't like this.

As Joni Mitchell reminds us.... "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone."

How.... Odd.

Sometimes when I put my fears and worries and concerns aside for a moment it strikes me that this is a very unique time.

This virus situation is something that is affecting everyone.  And by "everyone" I mean everyone, everywhere... all around the world.  If you stop and think about that it is incredible.  (Incredible: adjective.  "impossible to believe.  difficult to believe, extraordinary.")

I'm not sure any of us have been in this kind of situation before.  I suppose the argument could be made that those who were alive during World War Two (like my Dad, who was young, but still) were part of something similar, but there also wasn't this level of connection (via the internet, etc.)  And this isn't the same as a war.... in many many ways.

I know it's not fair to make blanket statements about "everyone", but this really is an interesting time.  This thing isn't limited to one landmass or culture or group at all.  While things may be being handled differently in different places, this is, as far as we know, impacting everywhere.

It's a very strange thing if/when I sit and think about it from that perspective.  "We're all in this together" means more than it really ever has before.

And that makes me feel a whole lot of things.

Already...?

I got an email last week from the gym I go to saying that it had been a month since they closed.  Which for me, was a bit of a surprise (or maybe even a shock?) and also meant that it had been probably six weeks since I'd been in the gym.

This time seems to have gone so fast while somehow also not having gone fast at all.  I remember thinking how long March was, and there being memes and jokes about it and seems many of us noticed but now it's mid-April and I'm genuinely not sure how that's possible.  I'm not sure what to make of the time, or the timeline.  Part of me wishes I'd written things down... on a calendar or in my journal or even here because I can't really recall when X happened or Y.  I know I started being cautious at the start of March, but I'm not sure I know when I started really changing my behaviours... not exactly.  And I'm not sure what date our Prime Minister made his first appeal to us to stay home.  I'm not sure which week it was I started getting multiple emails from businesses talking about their response to Covid19 (and me realizing how many places actually *had* my email) and I'm not sure when my anxiety hit a panic level, but I feel like if the gym closed a month+ ago, that's probably around when I started really panicking.  Not just being super anxious, but actual panic, fairly constantly, with panic attacks as well.

I didn't want to write things down at the time though because I needed to sort of at least attempt to buy myself some sort of a buffer.  Like... I knew it was happening and I knew I was terrified, and I knew things were changing but I also needed to function, while doing some preparation, while keeping myself from losing my sh*t.  For real.

I know it's been several weeks of "this" but that also doesn't seem real or true.

I suppose most of us are living in some sort of state of mental... distress?  Disarray?  (Is it fair to say that many of us are dealing with an aspect or two of mental health?   Anxiety?  Depression?  Trauma?)

I know that other countries have been dealing with things for a lot longer, and I wish I had a looking glass to see my, and our future.  But the reality that the email I got showed me is that it's been about a month... at least.  And that feels strange.

Hangnail

I have a hangnail.

I don't get them very often "normally" but I figure the extra extra hand washing maybe has something to do with this one happening (yes, I'm moisturizing, and I've been using a cuticle thing too just to try to avoid this!) but yeah... it's here.  And it's different to have one these days.

So I try to keep a bandaid on it when I'm out of my house, but then I come home and wash my hands so the bandaid has to come off again.  And because my hangnails usually just kind of go away.... and this one isn't, I'm kind of confused.

I'm treating it "properly" according to the interwebs and all that but there's also the aspect of age that I've noticed over the last few years where my skin just doesn't heal as quickly or as nicely as it used to... so maybe that's a part of it on top of the handwashing and who knows maybe even stress?

But yeah... this is the kind of riveting content you come here for, right?  (I see you all shaking your heads no... whoops!)

Deliveries

So.... deliveries are still making me anxious.

(Hmmm.... I was certain I had talked about this before, but a quick search of the blog didn't show anything so.... I'll start again...)

Deliveries make me anxious.

And you would think that now that I'm pretty much home all the time (except for a walk or being outside or going for a drive or...I'm just saying I'm home even more than usual right now) it would be "easier" but it still makes me anxious.

Some of the deliveries, like groceries, have a window of delivery time, and so far they've been great and always within that window.  But my nerves still jump up.  Because almost always at some point during that window I have to pee!  And then my anxiety goes running off about how if I pee that's probably when they'll show up and then what will I do!!! When the reality is... I can take the phone into the bathroom if I want, or at least outside the bathroom door and it's not that huge of a deal...?  (AND HA!  As I was typing out this paragraph my buzzer went and there was my food, ta da!  So... that was funny/ironic/made for tv!)

For the deliveries that don't have a time window I just sort of hope I'm there for the delivery because I really don't want to have to figure out getting to a pickup location, especially as I'm really trying to avoid stores/public...

So far (knock on wood) my Canada Post person has been awesome and just knocked and left stuff at the door..... where as pre....this, they'd buzz and have me come get it or if I wasn't home leave a pickup note.  So hopefully that can continue.  Canada Post seems to also have slight delivery windows (as in "between 9:30 and 1:30") so I can at least attempt to be home for them, and my delivery times seem to be fairly consistent.  There have been days though when I've had a video counselling appointment and then gotten an email that a Canada Post delivery was expected that day and then I'm super anxious that I'll be in the middle of my counselling and they'll show up and, again... part of me knows it's not the end of the world, but it's stressful for anxious me for sure.

I am very grateful for the folks doing the packing and shipping and driving and delivery, so very grateful.  This is just me giving a little insight into how frustrating (and annoying) anxiety can be around things most people may not even notice.

But, yeah, I think I've been getting grocery deliveries for four weeks now... so a month.  I'm still nervous/anxious about it, and it's still a strange way for me to shop and I'm still not eating all that well or all that normally but.... it is what it is, you know?

Well.... Ok.

So... that was a long weekend.  Apparently.  (Because I'm really having a hard time telling lately.)

I woke up Saturday happy it was Saturday.  And then I realized it was Thursday.  But it still took me all morning to "remember" this.  But then I woke up on Saturday and yay, Saturday!  But of course it was Friday.... which I had a hard time remembering for most of the day.  And then, of course, it was actually Saturday which really doesn't mean much these days, except people were talking about "Easter" and things and now here we are on Monday which I guess technically is "Easter Monday" and so still kind of a holiday..... on a long weekend but... I can't really tell and I'm not sure it felt like that. 

I know lots of folks are still working, so perhaps this is not as common as I might think, and I know the people doing renos or whatever it is they're doing on the building next door are back again this morning so it's certainly a "work day" for at least them.

But, um, yeah, that was a weird one... or still is a weird one.  A weird "long weekend" I mean.

Um, so... happy Monday (I'm pretty sure?!)

Hope you and yours are all happy, healthy and well.  Happy Spring....stuff/celebrations/events/holidays.

And Jury

This is something I'm just going to talk quietly about because it's not something I like about myself so.... this is more of a whisper/internal dialogue than anything.

I grew up in a judgemental household.  You'd not necessarily know it but I am aware of it and I am aware that judging is something I do and am working actively not to do, or to do less of.  Mostly it's an internal dialogue thing, unless you're Jason... and then I'll just tell you that I think what you're doing is stupid/wrong but... ahem... I digress.

Right now I'm really working on not judging the choices people are making.  Because I don't know all of the details of their life or situation.  But I do.  I do judge.  And it's frustrating.  Like someone will tell me a choice they made (go to store X) and I will think WHY?  WHY DID YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU COULD ORDER ONLINE INSTEAD?  But I don't tell them that because that's their choice... and because they didn't ask for my opinion.

In my head, I'm wondering why on earth my neighbour is getting into her vehicle with someone I've never seen before because I don't know.  Maybe she's taking her to the doctor, or maybe that's her cousin and she's visiting, I just don't know and it's not exactly my business.  And here's where things become a little bit trickier right now.... because I have an anxious part of myself that yells at me that THIS IS A PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS SO EVERYONE IS MY BUSINESS!!!!

But that's... only so true.  I can't control others or their choices or behaviours, I can only control mine.  But that judgmental part is sure working overtime... THEY SHOULD ALL BE STAYING AT HOME!!!! sigh.  Someone tells me they picked up bread from the bakery this morning and I want to tell them TO STOP GOING OUT!!!!  And that, I'm sure, is out of fear for their health and safety, and I could, I suppose ask them what safety measures the bakery was taking and what they were doing to reduce their own risks but I don't.  I just listen and try to quiet the thoughts in my head that are being oh so judgemental.

So I keep working on being gentle with myself (and others) and I remind myself that we're all figuring this out... we've never done this before (with, perhaps the exception of the quite elderly who lived through the spanish flu or what have you...) and that everyone is just trying to do the best they can (with some exceptions of course.... as humans are not uniform creatures).

But it's hard.  My anxiety seems to think it "knows better" without actually having any qualifications other than worrying a lot.

So... I just hope everyone stays well, I really do.  And I'll keep working on judging less, and letting things go.

Confession

So... I maybe just spent a little bit of time googling "how to look better on a video call,  but I'd never admit that out loud.  (Plus I already knew all of those things and UGH)

On my first video counselling call, my counsellor told me that he too "hates" video calls and so he had just turned off the preview screen that lets you see yourself.  I considered doing that for a moment but I didn't want to take the time to figure out how and I'd probably just worry that I was looking even more awful if I couldn't see myself!  GAH!

On the second call I did more looking away than looking at the actual screen of me and I suppose this is just something I'll get used to.  And, I mean, it's not as if I've never done this before... I FaceTimed with Jay before we even met, tons of times and yeah, I've FaceTimed ever since that was a thing and I've never loved it but... yeah.  Anyway.

I saw a thing the other day where someone took a screen shot of Matthew McConaughey (I had to look that up and I'm still not actually sure I spelled it right TBH!) as he sat in on some learning call or something and the quote was "if he looks this bad on video call we are all doomed!"  But there is something to be said for the skill of lighting and makeup and angles that go into regular filming vs a video call.  For sure. 

If you've watched any of the "celebrities" doing their shows or doing things from home you may have noticed they don't look "the same" and I find it really kind of interesting.

But I still wish I looked BETTER on these damn things, just saying!!!

Sigh.

Not All That Different....

My Mom got a little sad for me the other day (I'm talking to them pretty regularly right now) as she does from time to time and in her slightly sad tone she said "it must be very hard for you being alone right now?"  And I do appreciate the thought, but I had to sort of point out to her that it's really not all that different.... alone wise?  I mean, I don't think my Mom has ever lived by herself if I think about it, and so she maybe isn't aware of the "benefits" to living solo like I am.  But I do know what she must be getting at, I don't have someone here to be alone with.  But I mean I tried to assure her (not sure it worked?) that that's not a very new thing for me.  I've been pretty solitary for a while now, and single for a long while so... I mean.... I'm used to no one in my bed at night and stuff?   (Also no one else to clean up after!)

If I sit and think on it, of course I miss things.  Jason and I have been hanging out fairly regularly (I know, I didn't really tell you but I was going to get around to it... no it's not a "dating" thing.) so that's a change.  And I'm not going for sushi with C-Dawg any time soon but she and I still talk/text the same and she did a drive by book/cookie drop off the other week so I have technically *seen* her!

Do I miss people?  Of course.  But I'm ok right now.  I've been watching people talk about it online and I am aware that some are going stir crazy and some are desperately missing connection or get togethers or whatever their social gatherings were but because I've been home and unwell for a while now (anxiety y'all, not a virus thing) I've lost most of those.... things.  And is there an irony to this all happening just as I was feeling like starting to get back into things?  Of COURSE there is, but I mourned that a few weeks back when we first went into "stay home" and I was terribly upset.  For now, things are not all that terrifically or terribly different.  I still live alone.  I do not have a romantic partner to miss, like I know many are/do.  No, I don't have someone here for company but I haven't since I moved here.  (With the exceptions of when whoever maybe stayed/lived here for a while)

I do miss the freedom of things though, and I mentioned to Jason the other day that right now when I go out for a walk I'm sad that I miss dogs.  Because I don't let myself get close enough to their human to pet the dog or let it sniff my hand as I pass it by which is something I used to do.  So I suppose I miss the freedom of closeness, even though I wasn't walking around hugging everyone, you know?

For Posterity V 2

I went for a long-ish walk last week that took me through the local park.  And there are some things I noticed that I wanted to make note of, in not quite opposition, but contrast?, in, I suppose addition to the list I made a couple of weeks ago.

Birds are still singing.  Perhaps especially more so now that Spring is here and the seasons are shifting.

Children still laugh while playing in their family groups in the park.  I know this because laughter echoes and the sound of it carries, even over distance and with my headphones in.

Dogs still think chasing sticks and going for walks are AWESOME!

Spring wind still has a bite to it.

Cherry (plum?) blossoms are still super pretty and soft and lovely while they last.

Rain still leaves puddles.  Mud is still muddy.

Herons still sound like dinosaurs to me.

People are trying their best and trying to stay happy and healthy in a situation that is novel to us all.

Onwards

I'm ok today.  I'm not great, and the ok should probably be in quotation marks... like, I'm "ok", because I could certainly be better.  But I'm a little bit less awful than I have been the last few weeks.

Maybe it's just today, and right now, but I'm going with it. 

I remember talking (messaging, really) with someone a few weeks ago and her saying they were just waiting for a rhythm to get established, and I wonder if maybe that's what has happened a bit?  We've been on.... whatever we're calling it "stay at home" for a couple (few?) weeks now.  I've been getting food deliveries for a couple of weeks now.  There have been (knock on wood) no major shifts or changes and I'm limiting my news/media reading.  I've had two video counselling sessions.  And while things aren't normal... I suppose they have been fairly similar for a couple of weeks now.  And so I'm a little bit more ok. 

Am I where I'd like to be, calm wise?  No.  But I can at least now feel like I can look back on the last few weeks and say "man, that was awful".  Which means I'm not quite as "in" it.... you know?

Anyway.  Just thought I'd take a moment to make a point to myself and whoever else that I'm ok right now.  Not great.  But ok.  Quotations or not.

Lighter

It has not gone unnoticed that the days are at a lovely length.  I have been distracted by the day to day of life, but I have still been taking time, when I'm able, to look at Spring's approach.

The longer days are amazing, and well timed.  And the buds are out and the trees are in blossom and Spring is coming no matter what is going on in the human world.

May the coming of Spring bring calmer times for us all.

Nope, Still Massively Anxious!

A couple of people close to me have been somewhat hopeful that my anxiety will have been lessened by all that's going on.

My dear sweet Mother mentioned that she read somewhere that folks with depression and anxiety actually feel better when there is something "real" to focus on, like a war, and that she hoped that was happening for me.

I stumbled a bit in my response because, no, I don't really want my folks to know how difficult things feel for me... ever, but also because, well, yeah, that would be nice, but no, it's not happening for me.

Then there was Jason who said "but you've had a good day, why aren't you happy?" a few days ago when I had had, what appeared to be a fairly calm/easy day.  And I again, was at a loss for words.  Yes, I know nothing went "wrong" that day but that doesn't mean my system *gets* it and it certainly doesn't mean I felt calm and happy.  Nope.  I wish.

I will for sure be talking with my counsellor folks about this and hopefully things will improve but for the last two or three weeks it's been extremely high stress for me and my anxiety has been as high as I can remember it.  And not just for a day here or there, or a panic attack few hours, but just ongoing.  Ongoing high high anxiety.  It's.... exhausting at best.

For example... food.  I'm fairly constantly afraid (read: anxious) around food.  Will I run out?  Will the supply chain break down?  Then what?  What if I can't get a delivery because everyone needs/wants one now?  What if I have to go into a store?  Am I even hungry?  Am I eating well?  Poorly?  Will there be no fruit?  Do they even have seasonal workers helping on farms anymore? Food is safe right?  Is it?  Was it ever?  And that goes on and on and I work pretty constantly to calm myself as best I can.  To correct those "worst case" thoughts, but even just "less than worst case" thoughts are feeling constant right now.  I get my food order on Day X and I already worry that I won't get an order next week.  Before I've even unpacked.  Oh, and by the way, am I decontaminating properly?  Did I just spread virus all over everything?  I'll wash my hands again, of course, but... I mean, it's probably fine.  It really probably is.  But what if it's not?  And the packaging they use is wasteful.  This is horrible for the environment.  I feel awful and guilty.  I should just go into a store.  Use my own bags.  Suck it up... be tougher... get over the fear.  No, no, I'm *supposed* to get delivery if I can, I'm being *good*, this is what they want us to do.  Oh man, the store must be overwhelmed.  I feel so bad for the drivers and the delivery folks and am I wrong to be ordering online?  I should just go to a store.  I can't.  I can't go to a store.  I'm supposed to act as if I have it and can spread it.  And as if everyone has it and can spread it.  So... no, I'll stay home.  Unless I can't get an order in and then I'll starve?  No, I won't.  I have lots frozen I can eat and canned stuff and no way I'm starving, just... no way, nowhere near.  Ok, but what if?  What if it gets bad, like societal breakdown bad and I'm locked in my apartment because there are riots and, and... bad bad things happening and I have no food.  Because I ate it all, because I wasn't planning for worst case?  What if that?  And so on and so forth.  Fairly constantly.  Just with food.  (Nevermind the "regular" food stuff about health and weight and fitness and... all of that)  Now food is a big one right now for sure, but apply that ongoing fear chatter to... well, everything, and no, my anxiety is not "ok" right now.  It's just not.

And the harder part is I don't really have anyone being terribly helpful because I don't really believe anyone.  Everyone else (with the exception of Jason, honestly) is pretty damn sure this is all going to be ok.  Maybe scary, maybe sad, but ok.  And I don't know if anyone else is as worried and scared and terrified of all the things as I am.  And my parents are getting grocery pickup for now, and everyone else I know is just... shopping.  As far as I know.  And they maybe aren't even thinking about a broken supply chain or a... streets of rioters and being locked inside and HOLY F*CK I would also like to not have those thoughts.  But while it's easier for people to tell me to relax a bit about my other worries, it's not so easy to do it with this.  Because we're all in this.  And we've never done this before, so no one can really give me assurance I'll believe.

If you were telling me my (imaginary) breakup would hurt for a while but be ok, I'd be able to at least half believe you, because you'd gone through it before, and so had I and yeah, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.... but this?  This is new.  TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And so I have not, as yet, found a way to switch down my anxiety.  And I really would like to.  More than I'm able to say.

I Wish

I've not been a fan of April Fool's day.... kind of ever.  I vaguely remember my parents playing some sort of harmless trick on me some morning and I remember sort of always being on guard for it the rest of my life.  I guess I'm not a prank person, or a joke's on you person or... whatever. 

Today, however, I would love for the world situation to be revealed as some kind of joke.  Ok, I would not "love" that as that'd actually be super weird and horrifying but... I think I just wish we could all laugh today and breathe a sigh of relief or something.

I live by myself of course, so there will be no "I'm pregnant, just kidding!" jokes (not really funny?) or cling wrap over the toilet seat (also not funny?) or whatever else a partner or parent or roommate might try.  Assuming they didn't know better.

I might take a gander at some of the usual websites to do fun/funny things, but I also wonder if folks have just been to busy trying to survive to get to it.  You know?

Anyway... happy April. 

Things I'm Still Trying To Do

If you remember, before things .... I don't even know what to say... got scary?  weird?  exploded?  got bad here?  got real?  But... before *waves arms around* all this, I was dealing with a diagnosis of pre-diabetes and possible heart disease.  Stuff.

And I was working on doing things for my health to work against these concerns/issues.  And I'm still trying, as much as I can, during these days.

I am trying to still intermittent fast as much as is feasible.  Which for me really just means not eating after 7:30 in the evening and not eating before 11:30 in the morning, although some mornings it's a bit earlier than that when I start and that's ok.  I'm working hard not to beat myself up right now, but rather to be self encouraging.

I'm also meant to be reducing sugar and carbs, and well, that's a little bit out the window at the moment and that's going to just have to be ok for a while.  I'm wrapping my brain around an awful lot of things right now and having a creme egg while I do it is going to have to be ok.

But man oh man the cravings.  The cravings for things I certainly wasn't craving before isolation or physical distancing or whatever it is I'm doing these days.  Like.... saltines type crackers?  I haven't had them in years!  YEARS!  Not for the gluten and certainly not for the carbs these days but now, out of nowhere?  It's like yeah, world may be ending, I want saltines crackers.

And chips.  Chips in general.  I mean, sure, I was totally craving them before now, but now maybe because I don't have any and am not going out to get any (although I will likely put a small bag on my next order, THE GUILT!) it's like WANT NOW.  Which... it's harder to talk myself out of cravings right now because there's this sense of "who knows what will happen?  what's to come?" and so it's harder.  But I'm still trying to kind of be mindful when and where I can. 

I have a lot of anxiety around the worst case scenarios of possible happenings right now, and that's not helping either.  Like... part of me is certain that there will be a breakdown of the supply chain.  That soon there will be no fruit to buy.  And soon there will be NO FOOD to buy at all and so it's hard to eat normally when I'm both not really hungry (stress) but also wanting things (randomly) that I wouldn't have allowed myself to get for the last year or even more (hi, Oreos?  I haven't had any in years, just don't think about it, but C-Dawg joked they were in her quarantine kit and now I'm like OREOS????? WANT????!!!)  And I'm already such a disaster internally (mind) that picking on myself for wanting and/or maybe ordering them is not totally helpful.

I talked to a colleague the other day and she said she was waiting for a sort of routine or flow to establish and I wish I could get a sense that that will happen, but I don't right now.  People are talking about a "new normal" and I'm still over here freaking the eff out and barely day by day to notice if anything has become normal or routine.... that may take a while.

But, I digress.  I am still *attempting* to approach my eating in a somewhat vaguely health conscious way.  I'm not sure how well I'm doing but.... I'm still at least... keeping it in mind?

A Monday

Well, it's Monday.  And how do I know that?  Quite simply because I'm setting this post to publish/post on Monday, so it'll be a Monday when it goes out into the world.  That's how.

Other than that, I am starting to really lose track of days here.

I mean yes and no.  More like they're all sort of starting to blend together?  Was it yesterday I walked in the park or was that two days ago?  Three maybe?  And it was cloudy and rainy yesterday, right?  When was it sunny? 

The only appointments I have anymore are counselling (video) and then waiting for deliveries on whatever day they're coming.  It's... strange and unsettling and, well, different.  So, weird.

As I said in some post last week, I haven't been into a store in coming up two weeks.  As in, nearly fourteen days since I was in public.  I've still seen people... at a distance... in passing.  I've had a conversation or two... at a distance.  One with the grocery delivery fellow, and one with C-Dawg who dropped me off some home made gluten free cookies and a book.  (I have the best people, I really do)

So, yeah, I've started getting grocery deliveries.  First time in my life.  I'm aware I could go into stores and take precautions but I suppose I'm extra extra freaked and nervous and so I'm going to try delivery as long as I'm able and it works.  I'm trying not to be a strain on the system, and so it's hard to adjust my brain to thinking ahead to what I might need ten days from now, but I'm trying.... I'm also a little embarrassed that someone might notice the comfort food I ordered amongst the fruit and veg and healthy things. 

I also put in an order from London Drugs (think... everything *but* grocery store) and that too was strange.  I'm not one to really run low on things, I usually always buy before I run out completely, but there are a few things I hadn't realized I was running low on when I did my last few shops.  Like... face wash, and shampoo, and er, razors.  And yes, I know I could *just* glove up and be careful and go to the store, but I'm really not wanting to.... anxiety or not, so I'm ordering and dealing with delivery, but it's strange, not just thinking "oh, I can pop out and get that whenever".  Because, no, they're asking us not to do that, and I'd really rather not if I can avoid it.

But it's taking some adjusting to and re-wiring of how my brain works.  I suppose I'm turning more to the mindset of someone who lives far from a "town" and just does a "big shop" once in a while so has to pay a bit more attention to things.  Like what I imagine the olden days were like... when you drove the horse and buggy into the mercantile in town and put in your order and, yeah... a bit more like that.  But... with computers and credit cards and trucks and "it's outside the door for you" and I just.... this is so strange.  But you know that.  It's not just me dealing with all this.

Which is somehow even stranger.

Video Thing

Ok, that was fine.  It was, yes, awkward and all that and unflattering too but also reassuring to "talk" to the counsellor I've been talking with for a while now.  Like... at least one thing is still normal.  Or at least kind of normal if different.  Does that make sense?

Nerves

I have my first ... uh... I dunno what to call it... video call counselling session later today?

Counselling with my counsellor but on my computer via video conference?  Yeah.  That.

I'm so so nervous.  I'm nervous because it's new and different and I don't like change (see why this whole world virus situation is so not going "well" for me?)

I'm nervous that my counsellor will "see" a little bit of my home, I don't know why, not like my home is embarrassing, just that it's a little loss of neutrality.  I'm nervous that my home phone might ring.  (Yes, I have a land line.  No, I'm not sure how to silence it.)  I'm anxious that a delivery will happen when I'm on the call and then what do I do... I am so anxious about that because I have deliveries scheduled today but then an amazon one is just coming... whenever.  And I know, I know, I could cancel this or cancel that but these are strange times and.... I'm trying.

I'm also reminding myself that this particular call may just be sort of a check in and connect and nothing serious or anything.  Like, why is there so much pressure on myself here, I don't know.  But like... then there's comfort, like I don't have a proper seat to sit in for an hour, or I do, but then I don't have something at the "proper" angle for my laptop to sit on.  And then I don't have a headset, I just have my regular iPhone came with purchase headphones and yes they plug into my computer but only at a certain distance and yes, I've already accidentally yanked one out of my ear by moving too far.

And I don't like video calls.  I always feel awkward.  I don't really like seeing myself and I always analyze how weird or awful or unflattering I look and that's not helpful and I often get sweaty.  Yes, I said it.  Video calls make me sweaty or something.  Ugh.

So I'm not looking forward to this and I'm super nervous and anxious about it for so many reasons and on top of that I just wish the world was normal and it was a month or two ago and I was just walking to my regular appointment in my regular place to sit down in person and .... not this.

Ugh.

(Oh, and one other thing too... I'm nervous about my counsellor.  I'm nervous at how all of this is affecting him... financially and emotionally.  I don't feel comfortable venting to him... or anyone, right now because we're all going through this and we're all at least a little concerned if not scared or downright terrified.)

More Of A Tweet Than A Post, Really

I'mma try to make (gluten free) Navajo flatbread!

I first saw it on twitter, then a friend posted it on (other social network) and I have the ingredients and want to try it so.... here goes!







Edit, couple of hours later:  Ok, so I'm calling that a successful failure.  Really simple to make, but the use of gluten free flour meant I was starting with an unknown.  My dough was too sticky so I didn't end up cooking it all, but I did have one ball I made into three pieces and I'm proud of me.  Will probably make again with regular flour (sorry body) just to see what they'd be like made "properly".

I Wouldn't Read This If I Were Me

So as we all physically distance and watch and wait and as we all sit a bit bewildered by the all of this and think back to "not that long ago" when things were simpler and easier and we maybe didn't even know it and how quickly life can change not just for an individual but for a province, a country, a city, a world.... "last week" seems like a long time ago and "last month"?  Well I'm pretty sure that's an entire lifetime ago now.

I say again, as always I am not an expert.  I am not a doctor.  I am not anybody who is doing anything other than writing an online diary.  That's it.  I'm venting.  Documenting.  But only *my* take on things... my thoughts.  Not truth or even necessarily reality, I dunno.  Just... words on a sheet that isn't even that.  Digital diary.  Like money is these days, never really real, just... zeros and ones on a screen making meaning.

This thing we're facing is new to us.  I think many of us compared it to the "other" epi- and pan-demics we've faced over the years but this one is new.  And while I shouldn't be reading about it I am and the first hand accounts from survivors and those living with it make me wonder if we'll ever fully know the scope of the spread of this virus.

This is me, telling me to stop reading now because it'll upset me and make me anxious.  So... yeah, do that.  I'm venting.

Famous Actor X posted that he and wife were positive with it and then they were fine.  Famous Actor Y posted that he was positive and then weeks later his wife was as well.  Person whose blog I read's husband is positive but she is not.  (Is that a yet?  Or an ever?)  First hand account A talks about "like cold or flu", first hand account B talks about pneumonia and barely surviving.  And everything in between and of course the deaths and the fear and the unknown and the wanting to avoid the worst case but so many of us are really afraid.  And that's ok.  I mean it's not great, but it's not abnormal or weird or unusual.

I have many many unanswered questions and I do read up on it from time to time and then greatly regret it but the response from experts is often, currently a "we are still figuring it out".

And how many of us now are wondering about that "cold" we had a couple of months ago.  How many of us hope maybe we had a mild version and are now immune... even though immunity is not a given... as far as I know.  (Like I said, I'm force-avoiding the reading of things after the last week and how badly it set me off).

I have not been to the gym since the 8th.  My last time in public in a store kind of thing was the 17th.  Could I have gotten infected in that time, or, also, could I have unknowingly infected someone in that time?  Of course.  Will the measures I'm taking now on top of the measures I was taking before keep me safe?  Not known.  It's all statistics at this point.

I think there are far more people carrying this virus around than we may ever know.  There are likely going to be many who got or will get sick from it that will never know.  Have I been sick with it already?  Am I contagious and asymptomatic right now?  Don't know don't know don't know.

Are we distancing and isolating until a vaccine?  I know it's to help flatten the curve and hopefully allow the medical system some room... dear lord may they have the space and room and help to deal with this, please.  So many unknowns.  And I am not a person who copes well, historically, with unknowns.

So I suppose this is one of my learning opportunities right now.  To give in to the uncertainty without the anxiety.  I've talked a bit with two of my closest girlfriends who are both, for lack of a better term... meh? with the not knowing.  And I wish.  I wish for that skill/ability/personality right now.  Damn.  Everyone I know is concerned.  In varying degrees and about varying things.  I think everyone I know and have spoken to is concerned about someone "more vulnerable" in their circle.

It may be that we will all lose someone.  Maybe not?  I already have a friend (in the States) who has lost a friend to this.  And I pray and wish to all things that might honour me by listening... I pray that that's as close as I get to it.  The deaths.  Please.

I did not see this coming.  Not like this.  Was that blissful ignorance?  Perhaps.  But you also can't really know something's coming when it's not come before... (I could throw a joke in here but I won't...I mean Spanish Inquisition comes to mind, say no more say no more and now for something completely different.)

I'll have my first counselling by distance soon.  And I DO NOT want to do that.  I want to be in a room, in a space sharing and talking with another human face to face.  But that's not an option and if it were I'd probably be too scared to go there anyway.

I hope I can soon make the best of this.  That's a thing that makes sense to me.  But I'm constantly worried about what's coming.  I can go for a walk right now.  What if I can't soon?  What if the supply chain breaks down?  What if (person I care about very much) gets sick?  Dies?  How do I avoid going absolutely insane while inside my own head inside my own apartment with no way out for who knows how long?  What if I never want to leave the house again because I never get over being afraid of getting sick "out there"?  Anxiety feeds on "what if" and this situation is bringing nothing but.  Uncertainty.  Change.  Not knowing.  What ifs.  Newness.  Fear.  I do look for the good and the positive but so many fears.  So many.  And not just mine.  Everyone's.  I am afraid for everyone.  All the not great things going on that are impacting folks.  I worry for all the ways so many and so many things may not recover.  As I write this I'm trying to think about the flowers and plants that spring up after a forest fire rages through a forest.  Who knows what goodness may spring out of this ravaging.

And I'm sorry, if it matters, if it's frustrating.... but...  comments off again.  I may have to do that from time to time because I sometimes feel your upset and your fear too closely and I'm trying to keep some distance for sanity.  And I am, I swear, I am trying to talk about normal things, other things *before* things, but some days this is all I've got.  And I'm taking what I've got when I've got it and not blaming myself for... whatever.

I don't want anyone to die.  At all.  The end.  Ever.

The Way Of These Things

In the way of these things... someone talks to someone who talks to someone and so I've heard things I am not at all surprised by but kind of wish I'd not heard.

I have purposely not spoken to my friend who's an RCMP officer, or my friend who's a nurse, not because I don't care, but because I have been told what they've been told already... and, well, I don't need to hear it again.

I have very limited bandwith right now.  No "spoons" as that meme goes.  The grand majority of my energy right now is going toward reigning in my thoughts and keeping them as close to calm as I'm able.

Sometimes I'm less able.  Sometimes I know better but I go and read the thing anyway... the article, the report, the account, the prediction.  Anything and everything out of the states right now sends me down the deep end.  Not that the deep end is all that far away right now... anyway....

I don't know what to share right now.  And part of me thinks that I shouldn't bother considering it as my readership is far smaller than it was in my so called "hey day" (you know... when I was actually dating and a whole lot.... happier?)  But I don't want any part in spreading what are essentially, sort of kind of rumours.  (Literally, someone telling me "I have friends who are city police", or "my friend is a firefighter in town X", or "my daughter is a hospital worker in other province" so not... exactly rumours, but people being told things "from above" and then passing it on and then it getting passed on... so... word of mouth.... kinda)

But people who are passing on their own bewilderment "My police friends say they've got a contingency plan for 16 to 18 months...." and they're telling me this because they have their own feelings around it and they have NO idea what a spin that thinking sends me into because anxiety and "the future" are bad bad combos.  Bad.

Because then I start thinking, well... what about... this?  And that?  And what if?  WHAT IF?  WHAT IF!!!!????  And no one around is particularly reassuring.  Or, that's not fair, the people that I'm talking openly with are... uh... Jason.  And Jason is not particularly reassuring.  At all.

And what pops into my head is the damaging statements made by a particular "leader" who assured his populace that this thing would be gone by April.  And I rolled my eyes at the time but I think there was a part of me that nodded and agreed and said, yes, yes, gone by April ok!  Well, we're less than two weeks away from April and it seems it's only just beginning.  And I could very easily let myself lie in a dark room like Kurtz whispering "the horror.....the horror".... and I do not say that tongue in cheek, I say that with the fear bubbling up all too fresh and real and so no.  I can not talk about months from now.  A year from now.  And it's hard to move forward right now with that anti-future mind-fuck in place.

What now, what now, what now?

No answers.

The Writing Of It

It's Sunday afternoon as I type this.  I was meant to go see Jason later today to watch episode two of the latest Westworld show but I think I will be staying home.

I'll be staying home because my chest is tight.  And this tight feeling and occasional desire to cough has me absolutely terrified.

Now, here's what I'm telling myself.  This happens to me regularly.

On and off, all year round.  Often, as the case is today, when the dampness sets in outside (we have had sun and clear skies all week and today it clouded over and rain's expected).  But I just don't have to ability to be calm about this feeling right now.

I think it's fair to say that over the years I've likely been carrying a small amount of hypochondria.  Not at all near diagnosable, just an over-knowledge of symptoms and a fear that I will get sick.  (It's a long story that involves childhood illness and hospitalization that my counsellors and I have only started to touch on these last few years.... also having grown up with a well trained nurse who taught me things that most don't know and that's ok...)

So a year ago when I'd get this heavy sort of chest weirdness I'd wonder at it, and then I wouldn't feel unwell so I'd not think much about it.  I did, at one point after a friend's sickness, purchase a spirometer (a device that helps you exercise and check on your lung capacity) and I'd often use it when I was feeling worried that I might be "getting something".

Fast forward to now.

Now, when a virus is rapidly spreading all over the world and scaring the living daylight out of many of us and here I am half convinced that I'm clearly coming down with it.  That I've obviously caught it despite my cautions and that therefore I've spread it to... who knows who... Jason most probably, and his roommates, and possibly my parents and now I'm going to get sick and possibly have killed someone I care about.

And normally when my anxiety gets over.... over anxious? like this I calm it down.  No, I say, you're fine, we're fine, it's ok, it's just.... (non scary thing) it's ok.  But right now?  I can't do that.  I can't.  I can't say "oh, it's just a cough with the weather change"  I can't say "oh, it's just a cold, it's just a flu bug" because I do not know.  Sure, I never really knew, I'm not a doctor, I don't... know things like that but I can't tell myself that because I don't know.  I really don't.

So I'm probably fine.  My temp is absolutely boringly normal, I don't feel anything else.... (but then I make the mistake of reading someone's account of contracting the virus and I think well damn, could be... could be...)

So... I don't think I'll be heading out this evening.  And I don't know if I'll tell Jason why, or not, or... I just....

I'm scared.  And I'm trying not to be.  Because the likelihood is that there's no reason for me to be.

It's just... hard not to be of late.  And not just for me.

I keep wishing this was over.  And that's something I'm going to have to let go of.  Because it won't be.  Not for a long long time.  Maybe not quite exactly... forever.  But finding a sense of balance is vitally important for me right now and I'm struggling with that.  And today in particular, I'm struggling with it because my chest feels a little tight and I'm scared I'll die from it.

That blunt enough for you?


(Updated to add:  I woke up Monday morning feeling just fine.)

For Posterity

Things...

We've been asked to stay home.
People are being laid off.
Stores and businesses are closing.  Some possibly permanently.
The libraries are closed.
Events are postponed/cancelled.
We're not to gather in groups larger than... I'm not sure... 50?  Less?
Our border is closed to all but essential travel.
Schools are closed indefinitely.
Rec centers and gyms (and pools) are closed.
There are signs on the entry doors to my building saying STOP and talking about the illness and things. 
I drove somewhere today and the roads were far less busy.
The government is doing things to hopefully help.
People are reaching out to offer services online that are usually face to face.
Stores are opening early for the older and immune compromised to have some space.
People are recognizing the nurses and care workers and store clerks and so many more often more ignored jobs and roles.


This is scary.  This is terrifying (if I let myself go there).  This is... not something any of us have experience with in our lifetimes (that I know of or can think of).  This is new to all of us.  I have no idea what to do.  Many of us don't.

My country is closing down, my province is in a state of emergency.  I do not know what the coming days or weeks may bring.

We are hoping that social distancing will slow the spread of illness and therefore hopefully allow the medical system to cope... better?

This makes me think of a world-wide 9-11... that things may not ever be the same after that.

I can honestly say I never wanted to live through something like this, nor do I want to again.

I am trying to focus on the hope and the good and the fact that maybe we can all come out of this better, stronger, and more together.

The irony is that this makes me want to hug people even more... when we can't, or shouldn't.

We have no idea when this will end, or if it will, or if things will ease or change or be "ok".

I am scared.

I am trying to keep that aside and use the things I've been working on with my anxiety in general... towards this situation but it is really really hard right now.

It's Not

I was thinking about what I said yesterday about having a hard time with this and not really being able to accept things as real or something and I realized that that's probably because this is really effing not normal.

Like, I lived through nine eleven.  I remember that feeling of "what?" but also, not to be unkind, but that was an entire country away.  Yes it affected us here, we didn't know if the ferries would be shut down or if "they" were coming after us too, we didn't know anything, but this is different.

This is waking up to press conference announcements from our Prime Minister about closing borders (at least partially, but we won't go into that) and suggestions to stay home, and talk of financial aid for the businesses and industries and people impacted by this.  This isn't normal.  Nor do I want it to ever become normal.

This is reading about people being laid off and let go, small businesses shutting down for.... who knows how long?  Testing clinics being set up.  Help lines being overwhelmed.  Elective surgeries and dental visits being cancelled.  None of this is normal.

I guess it's "normal" that I don't feel like it's normal.  Because it's not.

And I guess I'm allowed to hate it and hate the feeling and be upset and confused that I don't really know what to do or how to "best" handle things.

Not All That Well

Yeah... not doing all that well this week.

I mean (knock on wood) I'm well enough physically (for now it seems??) but the rest?  Yeah, not so good.

I'm sure my brain is kicking in protective measures as it does with other things I'm anxious about but that also means that there's a part of me that's sitting here really not buying that this is quite... happening.

Not that I think I'm dreaming or anything like that just, really not wanting to sit in the reality of this un-reality.

And I know I'm not alone in that, but it's really hard to get comfort from anywhere right now and I sure do feel like I could use some.

I'm Just Going To Say This Very Quietly

You can ignore this if you want or pretend you never read it.  This is something that bubbles up for me from time to time and then I feel it and then it usually bubbles away...

I am really upset about a lot of the things I'm reading about the sort of.... side? affects of this global situation.  The businesses closing, the people losing work, the people doing not nice things (hoarding and reselling) and how that's affecting those who can't afford to bundle bulk buy.  I'm so hurt by so many parts of this and that's such a major downside to being a "softie" or an empathic person or whatever you want to call it.  But yeah, it's not just the illness and fear that is upsetting me right now.  It's all of the other things.  I'm having moments of great struggle and difficulty with everything, and I know it would probably help if I stopped reading the news/media/social media (but I feel slightly "addicted" to doing so.)  

This is hard.

I wish it would stop.

Just So You Know

I think what also didn't help this week (certainly not with my anxiety and how I'm coping) is that I got multiple emails from companies and organizations around how they're handling things.

From a yoga place to a gas station to like movie theatres and everything!  As someone pointed out "this week I learned how many places have my email"  um... yup!  And it didn't help me to get those emails because it just pushed that button of "NOW THERE'S SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!"

I grew up with a nurse.  If I haven't mentioned that before.  And she (my Mom!) always talked about cleanliness and cleanliness "protocols".  When I was sick as a kid she'd drill into me about not touching my eyes (face) and being careful of where those snotty tissues went (we'd have a dedicated throw away bag for tissues when you were sick) because they now have germs on them.  And to wash hands when you got home, and one of the reasons I shower when I get home at the end of the day is that my Mom always did after a shift and talked about washing off the germs!  So I've been in this mindset all my life.  My Mom taught me about the sterile field from when she was a surgical nurse and to wipe down surfaces and doorknobs when you had something so you didn't spread it.  For years, I've dragged myself off of my sick bed (when able) to wipe down handles and stuff so that those damn germs didn't get a chance to get back at me!  So... I've always been like this.

I wipe down stuff at the gym.  I wash my hands on my way out of the gym and I use the hand sanitizer.  ALWAYS.  Because I'm in a place with lots of people.  I strip off once I'm home from the hospital and shower off whatever I might have picked up.  I have hand sanitizer in my car and I use it when I leave a place with lots of people.  And so for me, to hear that we're all supposed to be doing these things now, there's a large part of me utterly confused because... we've been supposed to be doing these things all along!!!

Like, I'm not perfect.  But I have always tried at least.  And now I'm trying a little more (my dry hands will attest to that) because public health authorities are telling us to do so.

So yeah, the barrage of WE ARE DEALING WITH ITTTTTT! emails and my own confusion around "why now?" has been a great part of why this week was extra difficult.

I would imagine for some those emails were reassuring but for me, it just pushed "scared" buttons.

Sigh.

ARGH!

Ok, if you're like me and so done with reading about the virus-pandemic just skip this post.  And maybe some others.  I mean, I'd not be reading my blog once I saw it was about this (but maybe I secretly would while telling myself I didn't want to be doing this!)

Sigh.

What a stupid week this was here (in town).  Just... *swear word*.  Like, I actually want to use swear words here but I usually don't but that tells you my level of .... ARGH with everything.

It sucks sucks sucks having anxiety right now, let me tell you, because it is making an unusual situation REALLY DIFFICULT.

Sigh.

So at some point last week-ish, the health people announced that we had our first case of Covid19 on the Island.  Now, mind you, they didn't say where, they just said *waves arms around* here.  And it feels like everyone assumed it was their damn neighbour because the panic feeling rose in the city exponentially.

And if you remember, I hate that feeling.  I shop for Christmas in October and then I avoid the stores because everyone's all AAAAAAAHHHHHHH and I just can not handle that feeling.  Like *swear word*.

And so, this week I've started seeing folks in their full protective gear (masks and gloves and a layer of fear) for the first time and again I AM NO EXPERT but COME ON!

Sigh.

I'm really trying not to judge people and I'm reminding myself that everyone's going to react with a range of feelings around this but the masks are for those who are ill, or those with compromised immune systems I suppose, and they keep saying, and have been saying for a while "please stop with the masks?"

And I suppose it upsets me more than it should because it sets off an anxiety thing in me that is like OMG IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD and then I'm dealing with my regular anxiety (which is currently higher than usual) and this unnecessary anxiety because it's not like this particular anxiety is all that smart it just reacts, cave man style.  Like.... OTHER HUMAN IS SCARED I SHOULD BE SCARED RAWR.  And then I have to manage that anxiety on top of whatever else it was I was doing (buying printer paper and creme eggs, shhhh, I know, I shouldn't with the eggs but COME ON!)

So, yeah, then this week I found myself in a place of "well I'm not going into 'Christmas energy'" stores but I kind of need, like, celery?

And then I looked in my cupboards and thought "damn... they're a little empty" so I went on Saturday morning at like 8:30 am (I KNOW, RIGHT?????) and bought me some extra.... stuff.  Like I filled up on Oatmeal a little sooner than necessary and a few cans of stuff and well my gluten free bread was on sale so I bought two of those and then it's like... ok, what's happening now?

Because people around here... I'm not even sure they're thinking things through.  Why am I buying stuff?  Because if I *do* get sick and then have to stay home for an extra while, I should probably have some stuff I can heat up or cook for myself without having to go get groceries.  And I'm usually pretty good at having that around, but I got slack for a while there because... and here's the irony... I haven't really gotten all that sick in a long while (KNOCK ON WOOD).

Sigh.

I'm really really not trying to put people down, I'm not, but I'm frustrated.  I've heard tell of folks who have purchased a significantly large amount of toilet paper.  What are they going to do with that?  Will this not cause a dip in toilet paper purchasing several months down the road when people still are using up the rolls they bought.... let's be honest, without even knowing why they bought it at the time?

Like, I'm scared of this social herd monkey see monkey do stuff!

It reminds me of a game a friend and I played in downtown Vancouver when we were teens.  We'd heard about it and it was harmless and so we wanted to try it.  We stopped on the sidewalk of Robson (think busy, popular shopping street) and she pointed at something "up on the roof" level.  I nodded and pointed too and we pretended there was something interesting to look at, wow!  Very quickly others stopped to look too.  Now, neither of us were actual pranksters so we giggle and walked away pretty quickly but it was an interesting example of humans and how we follow each other.

And that's 100% what has happened with some of the "panic buying" of stuff here.  People hear about it and they think "hmmm, there must be a reason, I should do it too"  or "well, I don't want to run out" or... whatever.  (I mean, I said from the start, you don't actually NEED toilet paper you know!) And then people started posting on social media about it and the news talked about it and it just kept going.  I mean, I had enough toilet paper and I know that you can deal with not having toilet paper, and yet I still bought a small pack a week or two ago because a) I kind of wanted to be able to say I did amidst all the weirdness and b) I thought it might get crazy and so I should have some extra as a just in case people got bonkers and I wanted some.  So even me, not freaking out was affected by the weirdness and bought some earlier than I normally would have.

It's weird and it's frightening and as I've been saying to people, and people have been saying the same to me, it's not really the illness I'm afraid of, it's how people are reacting and acting right now!

I really really really hope that the anxiety and fear out there around all this dies down because I'm having a hard time with that, but my anxiety is afraid that it won't and that things may feel like this for a while.  I mean, at least shopping gets less crazy after the New Year.... there's just no particular date in sight here, so it's hard to know what to "look forward" to as a "calmer days" end time.

Sigh.

Also, IT WAS SO COLD THIS WEEKEND OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!  Ahem.