Barely Limping Along

 I may be harping on it a bit but the weekends these last few weeks have felt like the only times of even slight relief.  Because on the weekends, there's no chance of "bad" mail - no mail on weekends.  There's no chance of "bad" email or phone calls because the businesses or places that might make them are usually closed.  So as I white knuckled my way through the last month, I also crawled my way to the weekend for a tiny sigh of relief.

I need to get this anxiety and panic under control.  I'd love for it to be completely gone to be honest, but I am not sure how that would happen short of some experimental brain re-wiring surgery or something.  I know there are some things that fell to the wayside that likely contributed to things being so bad and one of them was acupuncture.

I went months without it during lock down/shut down and then was cautiously starting to have appointments again but then I got sick (cold from being stressed and run down) and had to cancel them (as you can't show up with any symptoms which is totally fine and reasonable) and so I went about a month without that helper to my system.

One of the hardest things emotionally was feeling like I had lost absolutely any faith in myself or anything at all - like I no longer felt I was capable.  Of anything.  It was incredibly unsettling.  I made an emergency (out of normal scheduled) appointment with my psychologist and I wish I could say it was more helpful, but at least I tried and we talked about things  I could talk about with my doctor so I guess that was helpful.  And my counsellor did his best to work me through this but I'd feel calm for the rest of that day and then lose it later or the next day.  I even had one day where I finally got in for some acupuncture and finally finally felt some calm in my system and then my brother called to talk about how things were going and after we hung up I had a panic attack (from talking???) so that felt like all the progress I'd made in the appointment was wiped out.  Which is probably not true or accurate but it sure felt that way.

In other news - related because it's happening right now and it has the ability to spin me into anxiety... this keyboard is all sorts of not fun these days.  If you see extra spaces in sentences it's because for whatever reason, especially when I'm typing here, they show up.  And the period key randomly sticks.  It's that "butterfly" keyboard Apple put out a couple of years ago and I think (hope!) has since pulled.  Mine got replaced once already and I haven't bothered bringing it in again, mainly due to Covid and the anxiety around going without a laptop for a week or so while they try to replicate the issue.  Anyway... just saying, I've had to backspace a number of times while typing this and I still can't be sure I caught all the random extra spaces so... sorry? 

Lord...

Last month was a doozie.  Like I'm kind of downplaying it now but that was one of the most difficult months I can remember for myself in... well a very very long time, maybe years?  Or ever?  I know what set off the massive anxiety - or at least I could guess if I had to and it's something I have no control over but that impacts me directly and massively and as my counsellor type people have pointed out the call that came was on top of the months of Covid anxiety and on top of my own medical anxiety and well it was just a shit show.  I can't remember ever being that low and that not ok and it's possible I have over the years and just not blogged about it (I mean I barely blogged about it this time and am certainly not giving details as we speak!) but yeah, lord oh mighty that was awful.

I speak about it as if it's over because I've felt maybe a 5% "improvement" this last week.  Which is enough to notice, I suppose and I've also made some appointments to talk to people and try some new to me things (talking to my doctor about what's going on and making a reiki appointment - the irony being that I am trained in and give reiki but have never really received treatment myself... go figure) and while nothing has really resolved or changed and I'm still waiting for calls back I guess I got to a point of "I can't do this anymore" and the who knows what number of panic attacks in the month and I tried a couple of things THROUGH the fear and anxiety and panic, and, well, there's at least been a shift, if "small".  You know?

One of the things I did that I think helped a lot more than I would have thought was I got an invitation to go hang out with two of my oldest,  dearest friends and I did.  I had a panic attack about it after I said yes, mind you, but I went, and after an evening of catching up (and yes we stayed distant and as safe as possible and we talked about our comfort levels and if we wanted to wear masks, etc.) I felt a lot more normal.  I guess spending time talking about things with people I've known more than half my life (what?) was a normalizing and calming thing.  So that helped.  Plus the idea of talking to my doctor about it and asking about some specific things she can help me with, medically speaking, makes me feel like there's maybe some hope.  Hopefully.

October has already been interesting...  *waves hands at things* stuff continues to go on in the States, and I mail in voted for our Provincial election and I tried some new to me natural supplements that were recommended to me and I stayed up later than usual and realized how groggy that makes my mornings and I guess I'm just noticing that a lot has gone on in the first... not even week of October.  And I hope and pray and wish and want for this month to be calmer and easier on me than last.  Last month was awful.  I hope this one is better.

One Of Those Weeks

 I can only guess that it's due to the ongoing stress and high anxiety I've been living with this month, but this week has been one of those weeks where I "lose" days. 

As in, yesterday was Thursday (nope) and today (Thursday) is Saturday, no? (no).

Maybe it's just me wishing the weekend closer as weekends have a small sense of relief because you can't "do" things on weekends and you don't expect calls on weekends... businesses being closed and all.

But it's been a bit odd whatever the reason and turns out that tomorrow is still only Friday after all.

Who knew?

Ah Hah Hah Hah Hah!

 I should have known to wait on the big blanket.  Had to take it off again last night.  I knew better and I did it anyway.  

All good, it's part of the seasonal dance I guess.

Edited to add:  Oh, and?  I put away my "sore throat from poor air quality" lozenges so OF COURSE there is smoke in the air again.  ARGH! 

Unusual

 

I was driving home the other night (in the dark, because... yeah, equinox and all) and I had to nearly stop (as in I slowed right down) for a dog on the loose crossing the street (near a crosswalk which was cute) and it was such an odd thing.   (I considered stopping to see if it needed help but it seemed pretty determined and like it knew where it was going and I'm not sure it would have approached me anyway, it seemed like it was fine rather than scared and lost.)

I was driving back from Jason's neighbourhood where I'm alert to cats roaming at night, but it struck me that I'd not seen a dog out on its own and that that's not something common around here (I know it is in other parts of the world).  I keep my eyes open for cats... deer for sure (in other areas), but dogs?  Yeah, that was a new one.  Weird.  Hope pupper found his/her way home!

Also, photo not of said dog (heh).

Not Summer

 Ok, I pulled out the big guns yesterday.

As in, I put my main comforter on my bed.

It feels a little like Summer transitioned to Fall pretty quick this month, but then again, we had, what, two weeks of oppressive smoke-fog?  So who knows how warm it might have been without that, really...

For a couple of weeks, I've been throwing my "winter housecoat" over my quilt for a bit of extra warmth but I thought maybe last night I'd go ahead and try the big guy instead, knowing if I got too warm I could always throw it off and go back to the housecoat.

I woke up with all blankets still fully pulled up so I'm guessing the temperature was just fine.  I know some Summers I've kept the big guy on and just kept it rolled down and maybe even pulled it up in the chill of early early morning.  But this year I decided to change things up and I put the main comforter aside and just used a thin quilt that had been given to me a few years ago.  Some nights this Summer I'd sleep with just a sheet (I still can't seem to sleep without some sort of cover no matter the heat!) but the quilt did the job most nights, with the exception of a few cold nights when I'd throw on the housecoat as an extra layer.  Often throwing IT off in the middle of the night.  (Go figure.)  

I could probably go a few more weeks with quilt and housecoat but I think I'll put on the comforter and just call it Fall.

I have this funny relationship with Summer in that I'm always a little sad when it's over.  No more weeks of being outside with no rain.  No more... not even considering taking an umbrella.  But when I'm IN Summer, I'm often a little more miserable than I remember once Fall hits.  The heat does get to me.  I didn't do much this Summer, for a number of reasons - heat and sun being part of that.  So it's this kind of ironic sadness.

So, yeah.  Comforter on.  Probably for a while now.  Hope you had a good Summer.  (Unless you're in the Southern hemisphere in which case I hope your Winter was good!)

(Edited to add:  I wrote this and then looked at the forecast for the week... not hot, but warm.  But I'm still guessing it's the kind of warm that isn't...well, 23 in October is not 23 in July, you know?)

Uh...

 I was "forced" to switch my blog layout or whatever today and I assume it looks different to you because it does to me and I... well, blah. 

A Philosophical Musing

 I'm happy to say that I woke up yesterday without ankle pain for the first time all week.  It made me think a little about different approaches to things...

See, the Western approach to  "irritated tendons" (in my experience) has been ice and anti inflammatories. And rest.  The idea, as I understand it to soothe the irritation... the inflammation.  

The Eastern approach, as explained by my acupuncturist (so, TCM... traditional Chinese medicine) is that the area needs more "heat" - more blood flow, more circulation.  And rest.  She suggested I soak in a bath while "moving" the ankle and she gave me "warming" patch thing to put on it.

So yesterday, I went around with the warming patch, a fuzzy sock, and a legwarmer over the area.  And I rested it - aka I didn't walk, didn't "get my steps in".  I... brought more "heat" and blood flow to the area, allowing it to rest and heal, and, well, it helped!  

It made me think about how those are two very different approaches (ice/cool vs heat/warm) and to think a bit on how many other things may have different approaches that might work well for me that I'm just not aware of due to my culture and upbringing.

I'm sure the argument could be made that it was the rest that helped rather than anything else but it's not as if what I did was harmful.  Maybe it was the combination, maybe it was the heat, maybe it was... who knows?  I'm babbling.

I'm just thankful that my ankle didn't hurt me (even if it "tweaked" a few times when I was "exercising") and I'm curious about two very different ideas for healing/helping. 

I'm Not Counting It!

 I'm a little bit sad because yesterday, for the first time in a long long time (maybe years?) I didn't get my "minimum" exercise in.  I PURPOSELY didn't. 

See, I went for a walk on Saturday and then on Sunday my left ankle was weird.  Like, hurt to walk on OUCH but not all the time.  And then again on Monday, I woke up and it was OUCH to walk on (and then got better) and then same Tuesday OUCH what?  Yesterday I had an acupuncture appointment which can I just say is the best thing to bring my anxiety down and I feel like it's saving my life, not exaggerating, but anyway, when I was in this appointment I mentioned to her that my left ankle had "gone rogue" and she asked some questions and looked at it and said the achilles tendon looked a bit swollen.  She did some things and some stuff and then gave me some wraps to put on it and she suggested I rest it for a couple of days so, no walking? I said?  She said yeah, that would be best.  So, I didn't.

I mean, obviously I did, I didn't go on bed rest or anything, but I also didn't do my "bare minimum" exercise which I've been doing no matter what for ages.  I'm sad about it because I like my wins and I like knowing I did something, but in this case I'm trying to avoid an ongoing injury and so I'm not going to think about it other than this post.

But yeah, I'm not going to count it as a fail because it was a purposeful, healthy choice to stave off what could become an issue.  But I'm still a little bummed.

My brain is weird, I know.  Trust me, I know.

Ugh

 I continue to have a high anxiety month and my coping .... ability?  is less than ideal.

They say it's going to rain and be super stormy this week.  We'll see.

I hope you're all ok. 

OK.....

 With hopes that me typing this doesn't jinx anything.... the fire-smoke situation cleared up this weekend.

And everyone is SO so thankful for that.  Everyone. 

I woke up Sunday morning to limited vision skies again but it turns out that was just fog fog rather than smoke-fog-cloud, so windows stayed open and outside was visited.  Amen.

As I sit here attempting to add the photo you're (hopefully) looking at I'm still dealing with the frustration around new user interface layouts (or some proper term like that).  Blogger isn't the only organization that's changing things up but they so far seem to be the only one that's working to improve reported issues and listening to feedback, at least as far as I can see.  I've started to feel something like guilty/uncomfortable for the things I use that are free.  You know, the whole "if it's free, you're the product" thing.  Like, blogger, and social media sites, and google and yes, I've started to watch that Netflix documentary that  folks are talking about but I also don't want to pay a lot and I really dislike subscription sites.  Like I bought a program to help me balance finances and that kind of thing - personal finance software.  And it was a bit of an expenditure but they update regularly and I feel a bit more comfortable about using it.  I dunno, I'm babbling.

This has been a rough month.  A high anxiety, low calm month.  I said to Jason the other day (after who knows what crappy thing took place) that I felt like I've been running on high alert anxiety adrenaline since March (pandemic) and this last month I've been on some white knuckle using up fumes and hanging by a thread kind of thing and that it wasn't sustainable.

And because I can't control the things that are happening to/for/around me, I'm trying to find ways, HEALTHY ways to cope and approach the uncertainty and anxiety differently.  So there's the work of handling the anxiety and upset and then there's the work of reframing my thoughts and trying to push through to calm or positive or something.  It's been feeling like a lot.

But I really am glad to have the fresh air back, really really.  It was making things even worse.  So here's to fresh air and clean skies. 

Sorry

 I am about to make the same complaint everyone in this town (and other towns, I know) is making right now.

The air quality has sucked for the last week or so.  So I keep my windows closed.  Which then means super stuffy non air in my apartment, which sucks.  Today, the air quality improved a bit so I opened my windows, which was nice.  But now I have sore eyes and I don't feel well and I'm grumpy and miserable.

I guess the positive is that the smoke-cloud combo is keeping the heat down, but still.  It's icky.  And we've had this odd.... I don't even know what all week... fog smoke?

Like they don't say "fog" in the forecast, they just say "cloudy" or "overcast" but it's like fog.  But with crap air quality.

I hate it and there's not much I can do about it and I should have bought filters or something but they kept saying it'd be gone by Monday.  (And yes it's now Thursday.  *swear word*)

I Usually Just Suffer Quietly...

 I got a new neighbour recently and they have never lived in an apartment before.  I know this, because I've had to interact with them and they have now let me know several times that apartment living isn't for them, but they're sticking around "for now".

The reason I've had to interact with them is speaker noise.  Theirs.  Sigh.

When I first moved into this building, we had a resident manager.  Which was lovely, because when the person helping to take care of the building lives IN the building, they have an actual understanding of what it's like to be in the building and the little things (especially in an older building) that you kind of have to be aware of to be a "good" neighbour.  When I first moved in the older gentleman who was the resident manager told me that I was "not allowed" to have speakers on the floor, or attached to walls.  "They reverberate too much" he said.  And so I got speaker stands.  Eventually the building changed hands and we lost our resident manager and have someone who lives elsewhere.

When I got this new neighbour (was it January?  something like that) I started  getting loud bass noises up through my floor.  Like think Charlie Brown's teacher noises but deep and low and reverberating.  I'd never had this with the couple who lived there before me, I never even heard their tv, but now I was hearing this deep low rumbling.  Honestly, it was hard to tell if it was radio, tv, music, just... it was frustrating.  After one particular day when I could feel my couch vibrating with the sound, I sent a message to my building manager.  I said hey, could she maybe let new neighbour know that this building is quite old and that they may not realize how much sound travels and a reminder not to have speakers on floors/walls, etc.  I ASSUMED this would be done privately, but the next day I got a pounding on my door and there (standing at a distance because covid!) was my new neighbour, small speaker in hand, unhappy look on face.  "This is the speaker, it's tiny, no way you're hearing this!"

And, well, long story short we talked for a while, calmly and in a friendly manner and neighbour wondered if it was when they were putting the speaker in certain spots (like their central kitchen "counter") or on their outside deck.  Neighbour also asked why I hadn't just talked to them myself and I said well a) I'm conflict avoidance.  "THIS ISN'T CONFLICT" they said... I shrugged.  I also said that b) it's covid, and I'm staying away from people.  (This was early days, like March/April maybe?)  Neighbour also asked me if I had a kid.  No.  Did I have a small trampoline?  No.  Well apparently my "walking on the spot" that I sometimes do for exercise in my kitchen bothers neighbour as they can hear it.  And the toddler from two floors up echos when running around their place and it bothers neighbour and, well, that's apartment living..... you know???  Anyway,  I suggested we exchange phone numbers and, well, I have not actually used that phone number to complain about the noise vibration that, for example, I AM DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW.

Because every time I see that neighbour now they tell me how they hate it here and how they didn't move to this town to retire to be told to turn the music down by a neighbour (sigh).  I am not bothering to point out that I didn't say that, I just asked that it was pointed out that sounds vibrate and travel a lot and so you have to be mindful of where your speakers are.  

So I'm writing this post instead.  I am avoiding pissing off said pissed of neighbour yet again and hoping they stop listening to... whatever Charlie Brown deep bass thing they are listening to.  

And, no, I'm not stomping when I do my "exercise", I'm pretty damn quiet, and now I'm even sensitive about that.  Sigh.

This is why I generally don't say anything about anything to anyone.  Ugh.

Mid September, Eh?

 I guess I saw that one coming seeing how August just kind of... came and went.  Never mind still being back in Spring, held back in March all the while half being aware that Fall is coming.  But damn, it's been a hard couple of weeks for me, so maybe that's why I'm a little stunned by the actual date.

At the very start of the month I had to go in to the hospital for a CT of my heart...stuff.

I just tried to search this blog to see if I ever talked about it but I'm not sure that I did and the search didn't help, but nearly two years ago now my brother decided to take his ongoing chest pain (when exercising) to the ER and they discovered that he had some pretty seriously blocked arteries.  They dealt with them and put him on medication and he's changed up his lifestyle and is monitored and getting great care and attention.

While he was in the hospital being observed he was approached by some doctors (or interns, I don't technically know, it doesn't really matter) to be part of a study.  He is young to have had the issues he did (under 50) and they wanted to take a closer look at some possible "why"s.  And they also asked if any other family members would like to join the study and I said sure.

So I signed up and had some blood work done and they didn't love what those results said and they ordered a "cardiac CT" to see where my heart health was.

I can tell you know that it seems my heart health is "good" and the scan didn't show anything of concern, which is great.  Really great.  I do have slightly elevated cholesterol and my sugars aren't "great" and so I'm to exercise more and be mindful of my diet and, well, honestly, those things have not been a priority these last few months with the pandemic.  Or, they've been a lot harder to focus on with "imminent health risk" feeling like it's constantly looming.  Anyway...

I have been really really anxious about the test since it was ordered.  And then even more anxious about it when the pandemic hit.  And I wasn't even really anxious about the possible results.  I mean, sure, I was hoping I'd not have to go on the "serious aggressive treatment" the cardiologist had talked about, but I also knew there wasn't much I could do to change the results if there had already been years of buildup like my brother had.  But I was terrified of the test itself.  

I worked at keeping the anxiety about it at bay until closer to test time, which helped, but in the week leading up to the test I got increasingly agitated.  I was worried about going into a hospital... during a pandemic.  (I don't love them at the best of times, but right now?  Geez...)  I was worried about wearing a mask for that long and if the mask would protect me if I got exposed or if I was carrying.  I was worried about asking Jason to drive me (wasn't allowed to drive self) but a cab is no less worrying, so then I was anxious about Jason waiting.  I was anxious about having to wait in my car until I was allowed in (pandemic protocols) and having to pee (had to load up on water beforehand).  I was worried about having to wake up so early (morning appointment, me not not not a morning person).  I was worried that I might react to the contrast dye they used.  Badly worried.  I was worried about how it would feel, maybe horrible.  It's actually, apparently a trauma thing from when I was a kid and in the hospital and had a bad reaction to a situation like that and, well, PTSD I guess.  I was worried about not being able to wear a bra.  I was worried about the machine.  I was worried about not being able to put my shoulder where it would have to go.   I was worried about the medication I had to take before (lower blood pressure and I already have lower blood pressure).  I was worried about everything. Everything.  The process of the test gave me massive anxiety.  Huge.  It was not good.

The morning of the test I tried to play it cool but my body didn't agree and I had to take something to settle (polite way of putting it) my stomach/digestive system.  And as Jason drove us there I kept saying "I'm fine, I'm fine" quietly to myself.  (Spoiler, I wasn't really.)  I tried to be very friendly to everyone in the hospital (I'm fine, see?  Could I be friendly if I wasn't fine?  Nope!  So clearly, I'm fine.)

They put in an IV thing... and they took my blood pressure and heart rate and EVEN THOUGH I had taken the whatchamacallit to lower my blood pressure and heart rate they were not.  My normal resting heart rate is usually around 60BPM.  With a medication in my system to slow that heart rate, my anxiety still had it pumping well over that.  The nurse said things were borderline not being able to do the test and I didn't understand why it wasn't lower when I WAS FINE!!!! AM FINE!!!

The nurse gave me some... nitro? and then they took me in to the machine.  I did have to take my bra off, by the way, but was able to still wear my own clothes rather than a gown, thankfully (short sleeves for the win).  They kept tucking me in with a heated thin blanket and I kept thinking how no one tucks you in once you're not a kid anymore.  I kept focussing on being calm... calm thoughts, calm heart.  And the machine kept making machine noises and I thought "wow, this is going really well" and then they were about to inject me with the contrast (sometimes people have bad reactions so I was scared) and then nothing happened and I was like YAY no reaction!  But it turns out there wasn't an injection and the machine itself was having issues and so after quite a while the tech had to help me off the table (machine I think was kind of frozen) and was like sorry, it's having issues, going to have to restart it and there was a hint of panic for me because oh no I can't do this again another day and they tucked me in back on a bed with another warm blanket and I waited.  And I had to pee.... but I didn't want to ask, didn't know who to ask, not like anyone was checking on me and I'm so glad that eventually I loudly asked "excuse me is there a bathroom"? because yes, there was in the waiting room and I made my way there trying not to dislodge the IV and I guess I really had to pee (partly all that hydration and partly I figure the saline they "tested" the IV with?) and I felt better after that and I was fine... right?  

And after whatever restart process I went back in and I tried not to think about it  breaking down again and I tried to think calm heart thoughts because you really need clear pictures for best results and the tech said ok here comes the contrast and I thought oh please and it felt weird but no reaction (THANK YOU!) and then the holding of the breath (never for too long and the "machine" had an accent when leading me through that) and more contrast and more weird feeling and more  holding of the breath and machine moving and table sliding and then they were like "you're done" and they took me back into the bed... place and took out the IV (please hold that for two minutes and if it bleeds then for another) and they asked how I felt and I said fine, actually?  I said it was interesting, and the machine was cool and that if I had to do it again I'd be far less nervous and the nurse said "yeah, you're like a whole different person from before you went in" and I thought "oh".  I'd tried to be fine.  I'd really tried.  And I hadn't said "I'm nervous or anxious" or anything.  I just was friendly and polite and apparently my anxiety and nerves showed.  Enough that a nurse noticed... and the heart rate monitors did too of course.  I should have asked what my heart rate was post scan but she'd turned the monitor away from me that time but I wouldn't be surprised if it had fallen.  Significantly.

I'm very grateful that I didn't have any major reactions to any of the medications, and I came home and drank lots of water (to flush out the dye I think) and I took it easy and I told Jason what the nurse had said and he said "yeah, on the drive here you were shaking so much you could have started the car on vibrations alone" (which doesn't necessarily make sense but point taken.)  I really thought I had hidden it you guys.  I thought I was playing it cool.  I really did.  I thought I was a little nervous but pretty good.

Apparently not... 

So that was right at the start of the month.  And then I had to wait two weeks to get the results.  I wasn't nervous about that until the day of, and then I was happy and relieved to hear the good.

The Sky

This weekend was strange.  "Weather" wise, I mean.  (I'll keep the human/emotional side out of things for now, the way the sky was this weekend was strange.)

 

The forecast called for "smoke" which isn't a weather exactly but is what has been happening as the smoke from Washington state and Oregon state (and California state?) wildfires has been getting... I dunno, pushed?  sucked?  up this way for the last week or so.  We first got it, I dunno, last Tuesday?  And it was a weird smoky sky hot day and I did walk to/from something and then thought better about doing much more outside stuff.  It was clear the next day and that was lovely and I thought we were good for the rest of the Summer.  (Or as some have sadly taken to calling it "fire season").  But then the smoke came back.  I'd meant to "do something" about it a year or two ago when we had smoke from more local fires.  But an air purifier wasn't in my budget and I told myself to just deal with it.  And then I said last year that I'd buy something to help filter/purify my air but again... money, so I didn't.  And even this year as we headed into Spring I didn't.  And even this weekend, I thought about purchasing something or other (maybe filters for my windows like I did on my van window for Burning Man?) and then... I didn't.  (I'm scared of spending money in a way that some part of my brain deems "unnecessary" - you know health and comfort and wellbeing.  Sigh)

Anyway.  Here's the weird part.  On Saturday (?) we woke up to... fog?  Like that low lying mist cloud fog thing that FELT damp and yes it was cooler.  And it smelled like ocean, or water, not smoke.  But the forecast still said "smoke" and the air quality reading was "highly dangerous" so it wasn't fog?  It was... fog with smoke?

So windows were closed and fans were on but outside was cool.  And smelt like "fog", but the forecasts didn't say fog, they said smoke.  And "overcast" and I guess maybe if I'd watched an actual meteorologist like on a newscast or something they might have explained it but I spent the weekend slightly baffled.  

I opened my bedroom windows at night, it's hard for me to sleep without cool/fresh/moving air and I can't sleep with fans going anyway so yeah, I guess I've been breathing smoke overnight but on the flip side (gross coming) my nose blowings haven't been soot coloured (like previous years) so I'm hopefully doing ok?  I dunno.

I'm surely inhaling stuff I shouldn't be.  My throat is sore and not in a "I'm sick" kind of way and I'm trying to stay hydrated and I am trying to keep my windows closed when I can but oh man that lack of fresh air gets to me.

I had some funny thoughts this weekend like I'd wake up and think "I'll get a walk in before the smoke gets bad" like the equivalent of exercising outside before it gets hot.  And well, you know, smoke and wildfires don't really turn off just because it's night/morning.

I also found I was waking up pretty early this week.  Not sure what it is about the smoke... maybe heat too that didn't mesh with sleeping past 6 or 7 but that just is what it is, not going to try to force sleeping later on a body that wants to be out of bed.  Plus it's not like usual when I can just roll over and push another "long morning nap" on myself in bed.  

On the Tuesday day I found my car had ash on it and on a drive I had to go on, I had to spray my windshield down a few times, but knock on wood, this weekend I've only had to spray the windshield when I first get in.

I know people know more about what's happening in the sky than I do, and maybe even some of you do!  But it was strange.  Fog like "low cloud" and the occasional "fog" horn but wicked bad air quality and a forecast of "smoke".  And low visibility.  But smelling like ocean/water/fog.

I never take fresh, clean air for granted (even when it's hot hot hot) and I think we're all hoping that the smoke clears out today and for this week.  And I know I am hoping that these fires are slowing, and stopping and I'm not even thinking about the future for this coast as I don't have enough chill in me to do so. 

The Conversations

I noticed that schools went back this week.  Or at least the newspaper/media articles saying that schools went back this week made me notice.  Not really the point.  More that it got me thinking.

Because school this year is... weird.  Because pandemic.

And not only that, but masks during this pandemic.  Or lack thereof.

It made me wonder how you explain things to a younger person, like a little or medium sized one, you know... how do you explain that say your family is wearing masks for these reasons but other families may not be wearing masks.

How do you explain that not everyone agrees or what do you even explain and maybe if I was a parent I'd know you just have these conversations as they come up and you do the best you can but I feel like right now there's a lot I'd not really know how to try to explain, in "kid terms" to younger people.  I mean heck, I'm not even sure I know how to talk about it in "adult terms" to adult people.  You know?

Everything's so extra weird.

Sigh.

Damnit

Me, wakes up this morning, happier that it feels maybe a little cooler!  Looks outside... sees smoke again.  Damn.

Sigh.

I hope the weather got the memo to clear up and cool down for the weekend.  You sent that memo right?

A Dream And The Reality

I had a weird dream last night/this morning and I half woke from it to wonder how the smell of the person in the dream's cigarettes had transferred to me.  I woke several more times that morning and sniffed my fingers and they did indeed smell like I'd held a cigarette.  Or held the hand of someone holding a cigarette. I was too sleepy to figure out why but oh well, I would wash it off.  Guess my shower last night hadn't washed it off enough.  Ugh.

I popped my eyes open "for real" around 6:30 (early for me) and looked outside after checking the time.  Hmmm... cloudy... that wasn't expected.  But I couldn't quite fall asleep so around 7:00 I woke myself up actually and wondered... is that haze?

And yes, that tell tale orange light and that "not fog" haze is here, and so my smelling cigarettes on my hand was actually me smelling smoke.  I wish it wasn't so.

It's supposed to be warm this week.  Which is already not something I look forward to.  And now we have wildfire smoke (from Washington state it seems) and I had really hoped to avoid it this year but hey, can't control things, can I? 

So today I am already fighting anxiety around life things, and now heat and smoke things.  I don't want to close my windows but should I?  I didn't buy those filters for my windows... maybe I should have?  Do I turn my fans on?  I already put my big one in my bedroom blowing across/towards my windows. 

I would love to hope the smoke clears.

I would like to go back to the weekend when I told myself I "didn't have to deal with anything" because it was a long weekend.

Sigh.

Oh Right

Labour Day Long Weekend.  Another one I tend to forget about (except when travelling back from Burning Man).

Happy Monday.

I'm hoping that this week I find out that hot weather during September is not as bad/intense as hot weather during July/August.  *whimper...send help*

Rough week last week, not doing the best right now, maybe will see if I can talk about it.

Have a nice Monday though.

Outside Perspective

I am lacking what I would consider "believable outside perspective" on a lot of things.  But for now, I'm talking about my writing.

I impulsively joined a 21 day writing course (?) online and it's day 2 (or 3?) of it as I write this and I have done exactly nothing. 

They suggested we join a Facebook group for the course and I did and people are sharing some of the writing they're doing and I keep thinking "is mine better or is mine just as... average as theirs?"  Like, do I (occasionally) like my writing but don't have the outside perspective to see that it's... blah?

I know some of you very kindly have told me from time to time that my writing is good.  But you're, if I dare to say so, biased.  You choose to be here and read and, well, I'm aware that it's all just... perspective.  Like, some people like Stephen King's writing.  Others do not.  I've enjoyed some of his books so I suppose I'm neutral?  So I'm aware that there isn't really ONE truth about "good writing" and even that there are different types of writing but I also know that some writing is clunky or hard to read or awkward or not very good.  And the writing that I'm reading is personal and not being shared for critique but I did take some writing classes in my first or second year of university and I was (at the time) devastated by the "criticism" (you know, what the professors are actually meant to do?) and that probably scared me off.  That, and the fact that writing, in the world I was raised in, is a hobby more than a job.  (Unless you count journalism or something...)

But yeah, I'm realizing as people share a sentence or phrase or two that I am not a good judge of my writing and I can't even tell if I'm "too harsh" or "too kind" about it.

I suppose that's some insight that could be valuable. 

Not Tuesday

I've been having weird dreams lately.  Or, I suppose to be more accurate... I've been remembering dreams lately because I seem to wake up early, check the clock, push myself to go back to sleep and then have light sleep and weird dreams that are unsettling.... I'm sure some sleep scientist would say something fancy about what's happening but yeah. 

I'd intended this morning to wake up and tell you all about the dream because it was intense but interesting.  But somehow it is two and a half hours later and I genuinely have no idea where the time has gone.  Usually I know where my morning goes but today I have absolutely no idea.  It's bizarre actually.  I guess I just did a bunch of little things and now here I am.

Weird.

Phew

Test done.  Results will be what they will be.  So glad it's over - that's been weighing on me for months now, phew.

Away

The weekend got away from me a bit, mainly because I lost a day to a panic attack.

My anxiety has been high this last couple of weeks, in part because I've got a hospital based test coming up this week and that's pushing a lot of anxiety buttons for me (I'm not really worried about the results, more the process and test itself, even though I've been assured it's fine) and some big stuff has come up in counselling this last few weeks and so the combo of the two has had me not so calm and after several days in a row of high high anxiety just this weekend I woke up to a panic attack and I made the decision to take something for it and then that made me sleepy and so I napped.

Which helped, I guess, as I woke up from said nap feeling a little lighter and physically better but also groggy for the rest of the day and then all of a sudden I realized that Monday was the next day.  Whoops.

And speaking of this weekend, Fall really crept in to things this weekend.  Tail end of Summer feeling to temperatures for sure.

I went for a distanced walk with a friend Saturday evening and luckily thought to bring a hoodie at the last minute because the wind had a bit of a bite to it.  And then Sunday it was chilly enough that I was under my blanket all day and rain came and, well, it felt like Summer really was transitioning towards Autumn.

Not that that doesn't mean we won't have (wait, did I just double negative myself?) another bunch of hot/warm days, in fact they're calling for a warm weekend again so I should really just stop talking before I jinx anything but let me just say I'm not putting my fans away yet. 

I have been throwing my Winter housecoat over the base of my bed as a mini blanket though, so blankets may be a thing that happen at night....

Only for the heat to come back so who knows!

Happy Monday y'all.  Enjoy this last day of August.  How weird is that, right?

Time

I was going to say something about it being mid August but then I glanced over at the calendar and, well, seems we're at the end of August.  Really not sure how that one happened, except maybe by me trying to lay low and survive the hot days I missed the time passing or something?

Not that end of August means end of heat.  We often have warm, even hot days into September.  But still... the end of Summer is in sight, eh?  I noticed a shorter day the other day... I know they've been getting shorter for a while now but the other night I noticed it was dusk at 8:30 rather than at 9:30, or those glorious days closer to 10...

It's funny, it wasn't really until I started travelling to Nevada at the end of August that I realized I live somewhere where Summer evenings really are longer.  Something something equator and all that jazz. 

I also started noticing how quickly the length of days shorten once I started doing that trip.  It always felt like in the ten or twelve days I was gone, by the time I got back home (first week of September) the days were "suddenly" shorter.  Which probably is only so true.  But still.  I noticed that.  And I noticed the dampness in the air.  We called it "the ocean smell" on our first trip back, but it often felt like there was some threshold heading into Northern Oregon and Washingon where the rains would hit us.  And re-rust Connor's truck.  And turn the playa dust on our bikes to a rust-creating mess.  Air's "damper" up here.  And then, yeah, you eventually hit the coast and having spent a week in the desert, you can smell the ocean.

And home.

It's always a bit jarring.

This wasn't intended to be a post about Burning Man but it's that time of year and it's not happening this year.  Or, as they'd like to say, it's happening virtually.  Online.  Not my thing, but hey, I hope those who "go" virtually (what do you call that like 3D thing you have to buy goggles for?) enjoy it.  I'm sure many will.  I'm on my fourth year of not going, so for me missing it is more normal than for those who have never missed.  But enough about that.

Time is passing.  I am holding back a lot of anxiety about the future and Fall.  Not just about the pandemic, but certainly about elections and yes, the medical system and just.... all of everything.  I don't currently feel I have anything to look forward to, and I'm already trying to figure out how to not stress about gifts at Christmas time since I'm 100% assuming we won't be gathering as a family at all at that time.  F*ck, I shouldn't have mentioned that.  Now I'm stressed and upset and let's just go back to talking about Summer and the length of days, ok?

Ok.

It's still Summer.  For a while.  Passing quickly though, no?

Right Now

One thing that the world wide pandemic has changed for me is that it feels easier to talk about anxiety than it used to.

When Canada was asked to stay home to help reduce the spread and load on hospitals things felt very uncertain all of a sudden for pretty much everyone.

I'm sure there were folks who were unphased or unbothered but for the most part people were at least concerned, if not anxious and afraid.

I was terrified.  Or, I suppose I should say that my anxiety level rose to the extreme.  Or something like that.  I was not ok.

And I found that a lot of people were not ok.

People were worried.  People didn't know what was going to happen.  People weren't sure they were safe, or how to stay safe.  People had to adjust their routines.  Some lost work or were forced to work from home or were forced to work in an environment that was now riskier than before.  Things weren't how any of us were used to.  And we were told a lot of conflicting upsetting things.  People became more wary of other people.  We were asked not to socialize.  Many of us suddenly weren't supposed to see family and loved ones and friends.  People were worried.

And as I looked around and heard from others I realized... people were starting to understand anxiety.  People were feeling lots of the things people living with an anxiety disorder deal with all day every day.  Uncertainty.  Fear.  Lack of safety.  Concern.  Fear of the future.  Things being unknown.  Dread.  Existential angst.  Death feeling closer than usual.  Others being a threat.  And so on and so on.

And after a while it made me feel more comfortable saying to people "this is really making my anxiety bad" and "I've been dealing with anxiety for a while now... this is making it worse." Because for the first time it felt like people understood.

For the first time it didn't feel like people would say "just get over it" or "why are you worried?" because they were feeling stress/worry/anxiety about their own lives and selves and family and job and situation.  It felt like almost everyone got some sense of having anxiety or at least being very unsettled.

And so it felt easier for me to say "I am not ok".

In the past few months I've told people that I've been dealing with anxiety (and whatever other term(s) to explain it) that I've not told before. Do I feel better for having told them?  Hard to say, but I don't think I feel worse?  No one has been surprised.  Or at least they've been polite and non committal in their responses.  It's still awkward and uncomfortable but there has also been a sense of commonality, certainly in the first few months of everything.

Now it's a little bit different again as people have had very different reactions to "reopening" and mask usage and health and all sorts of things I don't want to get into here. 

I feel a bit nervous again telling people that I haven't been grocery shopping since March and that I'm really not socializing and really not doing much of anything because I know others are.  And so it's hard again for me to know if I'm being over reactive or they're being under reactive or who's judging who, so I just keep doing the best I can and I try to let people be and just adjust my behaviours around their choices.  (Like someone who's maybe going to the gym and restaurants and lots of socializing and shopping and being pretty normal, I will probably not go for a distance walk with them, but someone who's wearing a mask and not seeing many folks and shopping a bit, I will see if my anxiety will "let" me spend time near them.)

Atlas And The Weight Of The World

I first wrote about it (apparently) in 2018, and in that post I said it had been "about a year".

So for the last three or so years, I've been dealing with shoulder issues.

Or, more accurately, shoulderS issues.

As I said in that original post nothing happened.  It's not as if I pulled something or fell or know of any initial "oh shi*t" moment with my right shoulder it just seemingly out of nowhere started hurting.... and lost range of motion.  It would hurt if I tried to sleep on it... it would wake me up of I rolled onto it during the night.  It would cause nearly a fainting amount of pain (really) if I forgot and "pulled" it the "wrong" way putting on a jacket or using it too quickly or... I never really could figure it out just that it really affected my day to day and absolutely my nights.

I went to physios after a while (always with the, er, yeah, I maybe should have come in sooner, my bad) and they both/all said the same thing... This acts like a frozen shoulder, but isn't a frozen shoulder and there's nothing really we can do about it and there's no real fix you just have to keep working at maintaining the range of motion and it will resolve... eventually.

But what neither of them mentioned was that sometimes it... whatever it is moves on to the next shoulder.  And so, unfortunately for me, once the right shoulder started to be anywhere vaguely near ok the left shoulder started to mess up.

I could tell it was a very similar issue... the sharp sharp burning pain if I "pulled" on it "too suddenly".  The debilitating almost black out feelings when it got moved "wrong".  I could now sleep on my right side again but not on my left, what the actual heck had I done/not done and what was going on/how could I heal it?

As I was trying to up my cardio and fitness at the start of the year, I wasn't able to swim "for real" so I was using a kickboard to keep my flotation but not stress my shoulder(s).  My left shoulder started to improve a bit and I remembered a physio I used to go to years ago but who had moved.  He was always a bit of a genius with stuff and so I looked up his new location and made an appointment.  It was at the start of March or end of February... so Covid protocols were in place (hand sanitizer, questions about travel) but we were all still pretty unsure about things.

This physio's first question to me was if I was diabetic.  I said no but that I'd recently been diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" (and have had thyroid issues all my life)?  His second question was if my other shoulder had also been through this pain?  Uh.. yes?  He said yeah, there was a thing he called "diabetic adhesive capsulitis" that was commonly known to be prevalent in diabetic folks and that it was also known to go from shoulder to shoulder.

Well go figure.  So that was the good news... a known.. issue.  (It's sometimes easier to know what you're dealing with than to be constantly wondering and confused.)

The less than good news was that he also said there's no real/actual treatment.  He said I could do a cortizone injection if I wanted (I said that's a big no) and he said really he could just do gentle stretches to maintain (not lose) movement.  So we did that, and it didn't fix anything but also didn't make anything worse.

And then shutdown happened and I haven't gone back to a physio since reopening.

My left shoulder is getting better, which is great.  My range of motion is still improving.  The sharp pain still happens from time to time but hasn't made me cry in a while.  I know both of my shoulders/arms and the muscles around them are weak due to the lack of use over the last few years, but I'm trying to find a balance of not hurting them while gently building them up.  

Honestly, in a lot of ways I feel I've been really fortunate with how my shoulders and body dealt with this.  I know it could have been a lot worse and a lot more restrictive and a lot more painful so I'm thankful.

But yeah, my shoulders have been not ok for a few years now but knock on wood hopefully they're happy again now!

The Incident

In what now feels like forever ago.... I had managed to start getting myself to the pool for exercise at the start of this year.  (Seriously though, SO LONG ago... and so innocent... sigh)

I'd initially just wanted to get myself there, but after a few weeks I started refining the process to make it easier.  At some point I decided to use a little locking padlock I had rather than the combination ones (no idea why.)

If I remember correctly, I attached the key to my gym membership lanyard so that I'd always have it in a safe spot and not lose it and not have to deal with a safety pin.

One day, probably mid February, I was mindlessly changing into my swimsuit, and grabbed my swim bag (has shampoo and swim cap etc.) in it and my towel and I closed the locker and locked the padlock and just as the *click* of the lock closing happened, I realized that I had left my lanyard and therefore KEY on the locker shelf.

Um.  Shit.

So there I was, IN MY SWIMSUIT.... locked out of my locker.  My brain wanted to run home, but I quickly had the counter thought that my house keys were locked in there too OMG WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Fortunately I had my towel... but, that was it.  Just a towel.  And flip flops.  So I steeled myself, and I left the change room and made my way to the front desk, tears in my eyes.  Yeah wrapped in a towel but pretty much utterly embarrassed and humiliated.

I think they knew right away what was going on but I explained it anyway "I locked my key in my locker".  A lovely woman came with a giant padlock cutter thing and said hey, don't worry about it, some people do it over and over you have no idea how many times.  I mean look, she said, this padlock cutter is well worn.  You're fine, don't worry!

It was reassuring but I was still so embarrassed and really felt stupid.  She came in, I showed her the locker, she asked me what she would find inside and I had the thought OMG I could be lying and trying to break into someone else's locker and I have no idea what is in there!!!

I didn't think to say "my ID with my photo is on the shelf" so I just said uh... I have a big bag and a blue jacket and uh... she cut the lock and I said thank you so much, I feel so dumb.  She asked if I wanted her to throw out the lock and I said yeah, sure, still in tears.  I hadn't done any exercise yet that day but I just wanted to go home so I did.  Threw clothes on top of my swimsuit and packed up my stuff and headed out... head down past the front desk, with a smile and wave to the people who had helped me and then I went home and cried.

It's much funnier in retrospect and I was able to laugh at it pretty quick but MAN did I feel dumb.  I don't think I've ever locked my keys anywhere like that before and knock on wood I never will again but I will also be using a combination lock of some kind whenever it is I go back to the gym (which is likely not any time soon...)

So yeah.  I locked my key in the gym locker, but hey, at least I had a swimsuit on?  But um, yeah, me in a swimsuit, especially this not flattering "made for swimming not photoshoots" swimsuit and then wrapped in a towel but clearly not dressed and oh yeah, flip flops.  GAH!

Hopefully a first and last time for me, but apparently a fairly regular occurrence for others.  D'oh!

Blah

It's 9:30 Sunday morning as I write this and I'm feeling pretty blah (yet again.)

We had a cooler week this week, thank goodness and I am reminded again what a difference a couple of degrees can make to comfort and sleep and things.

I feel like the blah I'm feeling is mainly my "fault", but fault isn't really fair, so maybe I'll just say it's mainly my doing....?

Pre-Covid, I had times of struggling with motivation, but since Covid really hitting these shores and the lockdown and even through "re-opening" things just feel even more challenging and difficult to me, which means motivation is even more distant.

So I'll get up, get on my laptop and that's kind of it.  Especially if I've had a "busy" day or two previous.  I do make sure I get my steps ("exercise") in and of course I'm up and down for food and water and things, but really, I spend hours and hours some days just on my laptop.  And while part of me appreciates the comfort and down time and ease, part of me really gets upset about it and feels like I'm wasting my life.

And, no, I'm not looking for advice.  I've talked with my counsellors, I've got things to read on the topic, I know things that could be helping and maybe just this weekend was extra slow moving after a week that had me stressed an anxious because see that's another thing.  I also know I have a part of me that's just mean to me.  Picks on me, beats me up for whatever.  So rather than "allowing" myself to have a really quiet weekend after a stressful week, I have a part that turns me inside out with feelings of ick and blah and lame and bad.  And that's not particularly nice.  Or helpful.

But as I think I've said here quite a bit, talking about it helps.  Venting about it helps.  Hearing myself talk about it "out loud" helps.  And actually brings perspective.  So... yeah.  I'm feeling blah on a Sunday morning, but maybe just being honest about that will change things up, you know?

So, Um...

Ironically....

Speaking of my body!  I generally don't go naked, even around my place, but this week, since it's been ultra hot and my blinds are closed, I've had a few times of naked-ness, with the fans on full blast.

Well, I was reminded why that's not my favourite thing because I was lying there fairly cool (temperature wise!) when there was the sound of running footsteps followed by a pounding on my door.  I could tell it was a sort of emergency situation and not knowing what it might be I grabbed a blanket and held it over my front and opened the door.

Yeah... pretty much naked.  OH MAN!!!

Turns out there was a plumbing emergency and I had to turn my dishwasher off and I'm sure the poor plumber was too frazzled to really care about what I wasn't wearing but it wasn't until a few hours later I realized that I have a mirror on the wall opposite my front door which means if the angles were against me....

Um, yeah.

So, yeah, I generally don't "go" naked!  D'oh!

Unrelated To The Heat

In addition to thinking back on my schooling, I've been thinking about my body.

I know, it's kind of awkward to talk about, but I'll babble a bit anyway...

Long story very short it's something that came up in counselling and how my body changed very quickly, I assume around puberty? and that I really didn't like the change (my breasts grew very suddenly and very large, especially on my small frame) and how I hid my body all through the rest of my youth and pretty much even still today.

A while ago, C-Dawg told me about someone she found on social media (Danae Mercer if you're interested) who talks about the reality behind the photos you tend to see from "social media influencers".  On her feed she shows herself posed and then relaxed and she talks openly about her cellulite and her food-bloating and I've really appreciated seeing her show how different her body looks depending on her posing and lighting and angles and all sorts of things.  It has really blown my mind to see her cellulite just... disappear from photo to photo all because of the pose/light/angles.  I really have appreciated seeing this and while it hasn't instantly made me love my body (I'm working on it) it has made me start to maybe look in the mirror a little differently.  I even secretly tried one of her "booty" poses in the mirror the other day and thought "hey, my legs look good!"

I don't follow any (that I know of) "influencers" on social media, but I know I've seen photos of women all over the place that have made me feel ugly or less than and I know I've not really ever been mentally kind to my body, especially in photos. 

It's just such a mentally complicated thing for me, and I'm sure for many others, men included, but I don't really want to find myself disliking my body for the rest of my life, especially knowing I am likely to look back and wish I'd "seen" things differently... like I've done lately with older photos of myself.

I said to Jason the other week that I felt terribly sad for the fact that I can't get my teens/twenties back and that I missed out on feeling attractive at that age.  Youth is valued highly in our culture, and I feel very much that I missed out on liking myself and liking how I looked during mine.  Again, I know that's common, but I also know there are a lot of people who did like themselves and do like how they look and even some who knew they were hot in highschool/university.  Or at least didn't think they were as hideous as I apparently did.

Sigh.

Monday Morning Pout

We got a surprise lighting storm Sunday night which was fun to watch (and far away... I only heard thunder once) and as I was texting Jason about it I said that I hoped it would break the heat.

Well, I woke up (this) Monday morning to a hot apartment, same stupid heat at the same early time as miserably hot Sunday and let me tell you I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

So, my poor fans are off working again and I am crossing all my fingers today (Monday... yesterday) will be less miserable than Sunday was for me in my place.

And yes, I'm still ultimately grateful I don't live in the places that are even hotter right now.

Hindsight

I've been thinking about school lately.  (Probably because America's attempting a very bumpy return to school right now and Canada, or at least BC is trying to figure out their own in the next few weeks.)

I keep thinking how I wish I'd taken different classes (I'm talking high school) but I realized the other day that that's because I have the hindsight of knowing where I ended up and where my interests and dislikes are now.

I had no idea at.... however old you are in whatever grade it starts to "matter".... grade 10?  so... fricking 15 years old (OMG THAT'S SO YOUNG!!!) but I had NO idea at 15 what I wanted from life or where I wanted to go or what jobs I might want or like or enjoy or ANY of those things.  So I covered all my bases.  Schooling wise.

From what I remember (seeing as it was like 500 years ago approximately), Universities still had entrance things you had to have.  I assume they do today as well, but I think some may have loosened a bit.  And because I wasn't sure and didn't want to limit myself I took all the 11/12 Science/Math/Language/Basics you HAD to take if you were attempting to get into Canadian Universities.  (US wasn't even on my radar, ain't no one got the money for that!)

There wasn't much space in my schedule for electives, but I kind of wanted to take them all and had to really pick and choose.  I ended up (again, this is slightly patchy memory so don't hold me to this) with art and drama til the end, but wished I'd been able to do photography and shop/mechanics and I don't think I did any extra curriculars in grade 12 but I did yearbook for a couple of years there, but yeah, oh how I wish I'd taken all the electives and none of the math/sciences.  Not that I didn't do well in them, just that all that information is no longer in my head.  If you handed me a formula and asked me to solve for y I would not be able to.  Not well anyway.  And mitosis?  I think I might vaguely remember what that was all about but, you know, if you don't use it you lose it.  But hey, I didn't know where I was going and I really didn't want to be limited.  So I hit all the markers to be able to get into University. 

I applied for a bunch, got into them (all?) and ended up over here at UVic, ostensibly for housing reasons.  Had I decided on SFU, I was going to go into their Journalism program, and UBC was going to be Science/Engineering, but over at UVic I wasn't clear (and they didn't, at the time, have a strong program reputation) so I went into general "arts" (B.A.) courses.  (I scared myself away from the Sciences at some point in Grade 12, not sure why, maybe just too much effort/work?)

My first year at UVic I took kind of everything... really really general stuff.  And, no, I don't really know what I wish I had taken instead because unlike high school, university costs, and I worked to pay for my tuition, so I didn't feel like "wasting" money taking all the things.... plus there was a sort of expectation of direction and figuring out a career/job at the end of it all.

Again, as I look back at the age I am now and wonder how we expect 18 year olds to know what they want in life.... I wonder.  But man, the idea of going back to school is daunting.  The money, incredibly so, but also the time, and brain power, and did I mention the money?

But yeah, I'm realizing I can't be mad at my high school self for not taking all the electives, because 15, 16 year old me had no idea what I might grow up wishing I'd done.  I did the best I could at the time with the way the world was at the time and I have to imagine my folks weighed in too.

One of the things that popped into my mind as I was thinking about all this was something a teacher said, casually to my Mom.

My grad class didn't have the grad ceremony until October of the following school year and I was already on the Island and didn't feel like seeing anyone so I didn't go.  My parents still lived on the mainland at the time so Mom went to the school to pick up my certificate.  She said that my drama teacher was in the office handing them out and when he saw it was me he asked my Mom what I was doing and she said, you know, whatever "general studies at UVic" and apparently he said he'd hoped I'd go on to study drama as I was good.

I think I was surprised by this at the time and now that I think about it I wonder.  Was he just making conversation?  Or was I a kid he thought might have talent?  Did he mean that?  What might life have been like if I'd done that?  Would my insecurities have gone away?  Gotten worse?  Might I have moved to the States, done the whole L.A. attempt thing?  Been a local Vancouver starving actor artist?  I have no idea.  But it makes you wonder.  Or it makes me wonder at least.

Anyway, there's a babble for you... It's the weekend here (as I write this) and it's warm, so I should go deal with cooling off/down and drinking some more H20!  Hope you're staying happy and cool wherever you are and that you got to take whatever you wanted in your high school years!

Dream.....Mares

I watched "Immigration Nation" last week - a show about the U.S. Immigration system.  It was a hard watch, but also informative.

I then, unexpectedly, had two nights worth of nightmares from it.

The first night I had to swim in a "pool" of "death" with lots of bones and it was freezing (I think I was cold in bed having my light summer coverings on) and when I woke up and realized what I'd been dreaming it was pretty easy to relate it to the show and the episodes talking about the folks who die in the desert in their attempts to illegally enter the US.

The second night was a far more direct correlation.  In the dream, I.C.E called me saying they were outside my door ready to deport me.  I told them they had the wrong number as I was a) in Canada and b) no one was near my building.  So they then transferred me to someone else to find out who I actually was and I think in the dream I was like "I don't have to tell you that" but yeah, the summary was US Immigration mistaking me for someone living in the States and me being annoyed but not surprised at the screw up.

But yeah, I didn't expect the show to give me actual bad dreams, or to use the dreams to process stress or whatever. 

I Handled It

I caught up with someone the other day who has never been more than a vague acquaintance but who reaches out to say hi every couple of years.  Honestly, I usually avoid his phone calls as he's a big personality and talks a lot lot lot (thankfully he also knows this about himself so usually attempts to be conscious about it) but on Sunday I felt up for a convo and so we chatted.

It was, y'all, the first time I've really had to be delicate around this current health pandemic situation as he started to talk about things that... well, do not fit with my feelings, beliefs or understanding of what's going on.  I'm not talking "wackado" conspiracy stuff.... just, we don't apparently see eye to eye on things and so I had to find ways to politely.... not agree, and change the subject.  I think what I said was something along the lines of none of us really knowing what someone else is thinking or why they're doing something so they may not be "scared"(as this person was suggesting about certain persons and their behavioural choices) ... *shrug*

It's something I've been cautious about with people, especially friends I haven't talked to since March, as people really do have different reactions and levels of concern about all this.

I know, generally, where I stand and I know others do not feel the same way as me and I just tend to keep to myself about it.  I've turned down a few invites recently from folks who wanted to do things I'm not going into a restaurant or coffee shop right now, and that's my choice and I won't berate you for making that choice I'll just say "that's not something I'm doing right now, sorry."

The folks I've said this too have been good, but it still feels a bit uncomfortable to me but this whole thing does, you know?

But yeah, I think I handled things fairly well and hopefully no feathers were ruffled. 

Um...

So, yeah, even just writing that yesterday has given me a huge amount of anxiety.  Not *quite* a panic attack but panic... sure.  "World is ending" feeling?  Sure. 

If I didn't make it clear yesterday, I had never written about this person.  Not here, not in my other writing, not anywhere.  So it's not as if she had read me being rude or unkind about her and decided to "get back" at me because of that.  No, there was just something about what I'd written (probably/possibly about my relationship with Jason is my guess) that she didn't like or that upset her and I guess she was unhappy enough to say she'd do... whatever to me.

I remember "early" on in my days of blog following, I followed a woman who wrote very openly, and anonymously about her dating and sex life.  I'm not sure anymore if it was a "sex" blog but she certainly didn't hold back on her details, other than keeping things anonymous.

I remember also when she was "outed".  I can't remember anymore if it was malicious or what but from what I recall an ex recognized himself in her writing and either told her he knew or went to the press and she ended up going public with her identity.  (And I kind of lost track from there to be honest.)  I seem to remember that some of her partners were upset that she'd talked about them without permission, so after that I always at least mentioned to a guy I was dating that I had an anonymous blog and that I'd probably talk about our dates/relationship.  If I trusted him enough and he was curious, I'd eventually give him the blog name.  I don't really know how many of them actually read much, maybe one or two, and I don't think any of them still follow along or read, or necessarily even remember.  So it could be that Jason shared this blog with his girlfriend, or maybe it was the other writing, I don't know.  He says he has no idea, just that she said that if she could find it, my boss/work/clients could too.  Which is probably the worst fear button of my "anonymous" writing to push.

I mean, I always refer to my friend at the time, when I said I was thinking about writing an anonymous blog who told me to write it as if everyone would read it.  And I've always kept that in mind.  So there are a lot of not so nice thoughts I have about people in my head from time to time that I do NOT share here, as much as I might like to get it out of my system.  Venting helps me, that's for sure, but I tend to limit it to venting to Jason these days, and occasionally to C-Dawg, although she doesn't know much about all the sh*t that's gone on with Jason and his now ex.

Sigh. A Truth

I don't know how much of a part what I'm about to tell you plays in things but I'm sure it's not .... nothing.

A number of years ago... I genuinely can't give you a legit when (five?  seven?) Jason was in a relationship with someone that I have not touched on at all.  There is a LOT for me to talk about there and lots of stuff that affected me in really not great ways, but this is about one of them.

So a number of years ago, Jason was with his partner and I had reasons I wasn't fond of the relationship and the entire situation and he let me know that she had found my writing and was threatening to come to my workplace and "beat me up".  There was also something, if I recall correctly, about her exposing me to work and I honestly think I must have blocked a lot of this out, but Jason claims he called me to warn me, and she apologized for it in person a couple of years ago.

I legit am not clear if she meant this blog here or if she meant some other writing that I did under another pen name but either way... I would imagine this played a part in my fear and anxiety around writing and being less open and upfront about what I write.

The timing seems to match with all the other crap that was going on in my life/world and so it maybe factored in to my "shut down" a lot more than I knew and certainly more than I realized at the time.

And like I said, I blocked most if not all of it out, which is its own set of issues and concerns, but Jason says he called to warn me and she did apologize for something so, yeah...

That happened, I guess. 

Which doesn't really make me feel all that safe or comfortable to talk about things again, you know?

Wonderings

Sometimes I wonder about me. Or, I suppose in some ways I wonder about everyone else.

Like.... I get tired of my head and how it thinks and all that's in it. I fight with the things I think and it can be very tiring. And then I wonder if everyone's "like this" in their heads and I bet you that's a no, but that others might have similar goings on in their noggins and I just don't know because I'm not there to witness it? I dunno.

This made sense before I tried to talk about it, I swear.

And then there are my ongoing thoughts around this blog. And I'm not even talking about the fact that this new UI/layout they're forcing still does not work (ARGH).  (I actually got so frustrated that I reverted back to "legacy" and hope they fix the not working stuff before they force push it on me, geez).

It's been years since there was much of a readership here.  I know there are a solid bunch of folks who read when they can and I know times change and I know what occurred on my end and I know life is extra .... different right now.  I sort of vaguely remember why I started writing and publishing a blog all those years ago.  I remember kind of talking to/at myself at random times (often in bed) and finding them amusing thoughts and reading a lot of blogs at the time I thought well hey, I'll start one of those.  

There was a sort of a community back then.  I remember actually meeting another local blogger or two (the uncomfortable date stories are in the archives somewhere) and connecting with non local bloggers (at least one of whom I am still in contact with) and checking in on other blogs and even the now big-name bloggers who have gone on to books and tv shows and all sorts of things... I used to hang out and keep up with their lives too.

I suppose, due to the title I chose, I thought I would chronicle my dating life and probably eventually my long term relationship life and eventually my married life.  And I did, for a while. 

And then there was a confluence (if that's the right word) of things in life including internal changes I didn't know where happening, but I realize in retrospect were (the start of anxiety and depression as factors in my health - unknowingly) and online changes when Jason as a partner suggesting I *had* to get on Facebook to promote my creative ventures and then Facebook completely eating up my online time and becoming this weird drain, and wanting to keep some things private from the private/anonymous blog (huh?) and lots in my relationship with Jason that I wasn't comfortable sharing and then just things got bad (late 2015) and, as I've talked about before, I shut off my writing here and it's been hard to get it back.

Which I then struggle with because part of me realizes I'm writing to a very small (and lovely) group of folks so why am I so concerned about keeping up that (illusion of) privacy sort of wall.  I mean, not that I'm going to suddenly say Hey I'm (real name) and I am a (real job) and I live at (real address) and here's my S.I.N. or anything like that but do I really imagine that if I talk a little more honestly about things I will suddenly gain a million person following and have to explain a few things to my mother?  I dunno.

But the "what if" of potential negative-type consequences still hovers over me and all my online doings.  But I still can't seem to just pack it up and walk away... so... who really knows?

A Stubbornness?

I suppose I could consider this a new type of writer's block the "I don't WANNA" because when I am just doing... other things, I think of posts I'd like to write, or deep thoughts I'd like to expand upon.  And then by the time I settle myself enough to think "hmm, I should write" or "whoops, no post ready for tomorrow" then I get a very large feeling of NOPE.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I know I used to have Sunday as my day to just hammer out a week's worth of posts but I lost that in the last few years when my life hit giant bumps and my schedule became less of one and life got trickier and hey now.... pandemic in the mix I guess?

But yeah, not.... un.... can't.... don't wanna.

Which, really, it's probably only me that's at all stressed or annoyed by this. 

Sigh.

Seriously?!

I swear, Tuesdays after a holiday/long weekend Monday mess me up!  (Also, the process of adding a photo to "new layout" is really not working the easy way it used to and I clearly can't figure it out, BAD UI, BAD!)

Yeah, because we have a weekend, see (Saturday, Sunday) and then Sunday feels a little like a Saturday because you know you have the next day off an then on the Monday you're like ha!  it's not a work day, ta da!  But then you go to bed Monday and are like ok, it's a work day tomorrow but it's not a Monday because that was yesterday so I have to do Tuesday things, not Monday things but yesterday was a weekend so why isn't it Monday?  Well, because HOLIDAY!

So, yeah, I'm a little confuzzled this morning but as I type this I'm reminding myself... Tuesday... Tuesday... Tuesday things!

(Not Monday.  Just kind of is one without being one.  K?  K.)

Tis A Holiday

So they tell me.  I would have to look to see which one it is.  B.C. day I think?  Which begs the question, do all the other provinces have a "that province/territory" day today?  I should google.... hang on...

Uh... long story short, not a stat, not a holiday everywhere, but hey, happy BC day!

I am, at the time of writing this, exhausted.  Very little sleep this last week or so and it's caught up with me.  I do ok for a day or two but by the third or fourth day I'm miserable and non-functional.

The other night I attempted to use a fan to help cool things down.  So then I needed earplugs, which didn't entirely help.  But I think things did cool down overnight so that did help.  Seems this week will be a bit cooler in general so here's hoping.

I feel like I babbled about this the other day but I had a bit of a miserable week, emotionally speaking, and I am hoping that this week is better in all sorts of ways.  But happy Monday or BC day or whatever you may be having today day.

Ok....

Ok, so, there's a certain irony to making a blog all about blogging but um yeah.  They've already changed a couple of things (the "new post" icon for example) and I did figure out a way to report issues (although I'm not entirely sure it's working either TBH) but yeah, not cool Blogger, not cool.

Anyway, the heat's been not so fun this last while and I've lost some sleep from it and had some bad evenings (they're the worst in my place) and just generally .... not had some of my favourite days this last while.

I find it difficult to be un-anxious when I'm hot or it's hot and it's moments like these where I wonder how I survived four years in the Nevada desert in August.  Like, ever.  How? 

And then I tell myself that's not the point and the point right now is to try to get through whatever heat this Summer HERE will throw at us and that yes, I know other places have it worse and oh my lord don't even talk to me about the future of climate change because that will just send me into a panic.  (It always does.)

Sigh.

Happy August, by the way.  This is another one of those long weekends I tend to forget until I'm right on it and apparently this is a long weekend and, um, yeah.  Sigh.