Thwarted

I had plans for this year.

I mean, I'm sure we all did, but I had a few things I wanted to work on this year... not "New Year's Resolutions" but things I wanted to do more or less of this year.

Things like... less sugar, less salt, more outside, less distraction.

And, well, since this pandemic really hit us here and we went into shut/lock down I have not had the willpower or something to do those things.  I have not eaten well.  I have, to be honest, eaten things in the last couple of months that I haven't eaten in years.  Apparently I'm not the only one going through this, it's probably something to do with living in a constant state of fear/worry/anxiety and a more ominous presence of death than usual... or something scientific like that but not only have I eaten a ton of sugar and salty things, but also gluten gluten gluten gluten gluten.  Like gluten stuff I haven't touched or really thought of in a decade or more.  Stone Wheat Thin crackers?  Yeah, I got those.  And Fig Newtons?  Yup, those too.  More than one order of Oreos?  And Twizzlers (surprise gluten!) Yes and yes.  My "junk food" intake has been... well, not healthy - especially not considering in January I was trying to make big changes due to health concerns of my own... sigh.

And outside?  That's been hard to do.  And distraction?  Yeah, been doing way more of that.  Re-watching Friday Night Lights was a decidedly wonderful distraction though so, I can't say much about that!

But yeah... realizing it's nearly June, which is the sixth month of a year that feels particularly... paused?  This is all still so unreal and I hear folks talking about a "new normal" and I'm like we're not there yet.  This won't feel "normal" for another while. 

I'm going to try, I am... to get back towards the healthy things I wanted to do this year.  And I'm not going to be too hard on myself for eating weirdly or watching lots of shows, or whatever else I've done these last couple of months. 

But yeah, I had plans for this year.  And there, so far, has been a fairly large hole in those plans these last few months.

So weird, this all.... so weird.

Clarity

As we navigate through these strange days, I am very grateful for the practitioners who are being very clear with their health and safety reopening protocols.

I've had a couple of places call and say "hey we're reopening on June 1st" and others email with a very detailed message about how they are working to keep clients and practitioners safe and well.  I know it's on me to ask for information from those who have not given it but that's a little stressful for me, and also not something I'm used to or in the habit of.  Plus we're all just figuring this out and I know my comfort level is different than that of others... I'm sure...

Anyway.  The places that are being very clear, and to my mind, very careful, I really appreciate.  I'm still not feeling up to making any appointments but it's nice to know who feels like a safe-ish place to consider going to.

Hmmm

So.... after I wrote yesterday's post (because spoiler, I'm not coherent enough in mornings to write, so I write and then set to post in the morning) I actually got changed and went outside for a walk.  It was kind of interesting actually.

I'm not sure if it was saying my fears out loud or saying how hard it is out loud but suddenly I was like "I can do this" or "I'm not going to hold myself back!" or something.  It was nice.  Nice to be honest, even if it felt not nice to do so.

But yeah, I got outside for a walk, not terribly far mind you but that's not the point.  I found a little park area I'd forgotten about and I sat under a tree for a while and watched some of the other people who were doing the same and I watched some dogs and wished I could hug them (the dogs mainly, not the people, although there are some people I really would love to hug of course!) and I listened to my music and then I walked back home and washed my hair (which always feels nice after, even though my hair can take a while to dry and all that jazz.)  So I'm glad I was honest and I'm glad it helped me feel like getting out there.

Who knows for today, but there was at least that yesterday, right?  Right.

Boxed In

I know most everyone is struggling with our global pandemic in one way or another.  I know this, and yet, I feel alone in some of my particular struggles.

See, I've been "at home" for a while now.  And I don't just mean pandemic while, I mean years before that.  Since I got sick, which feels so strange to say "sick with anxiety".... "sick with depression"?  Since my mental health got bad enough that I was pulled from work.  Since then, I have been very much at home.

And yes, that means and meant isolating. Never really willingly - more so because that's all I had the energy for.  Or that's all that felt safe?  Or "safe" at least... I suppose.  So I have been home in a very small social box for a very long time.

Sure, I'd talk to people every day, maybe only by text, maybe a call or two.  I spend time with Jason regularly, and I'd see C-Dawg or other friends now and then but social stuff?  Not something I've been great at for a while now.  But I did get out and do things... I drove to Burning Man by myself... although that, now, it appears was nearly four years ago so who knows, but I did try.  When I could.

And I've always had appointments.  Massage, physio, acupuncture, hair cuts, dentist, counselling, doctor, whatever else I've forgotten, I had those regularly.  I'd give myself a "week off" every now and then but most of the time I'd be out several times a week, sometimes a few times a day for an appointment.  And I'd shop.  Often with Jason - he'd pick the groceries and cook and I would eat the food.  Or I'd pick something up for myself or that shampoo I needed or whatever else.  And I made sure I got my "bare minimum" exercise every day, and I'd try to get myself out of the apartment most days, but yeah, I've been home for a while, but certainly not like this.

Since whenever it was in March (third week?) that our province and country shut down, or slowed down and we were asked to stay home to keep ourselves and others safe and well... since then I've not had the same experience as the last few years.  I've had few appointments.  And the only ones I have had have been at home, via a computer screen.  And I've had food deliveries from online ordering.  So I've had maybe two "appointments" a week for several months now.  Food delivery, and a counselling video appointment.  And that's it.  I still text C-Dawg all the time and we talk regularly and she dropped off a book and cookies just before lockdown.  I do still see Jason.  For food and some company.  It's honestly the main reason I'm still eating fairly well... I order online, groceries get delivered, I take them over to his place, he cooks enough for the both of us and leftovers, we eat, I take leftovers home.. rinse and repeat.

I know, I know, he's not in my household.  I know I've been breaking the rules with that.  I know all that and the guilt and fear I feel around it is endless and often overwhelming.  And I'm sorry if that angers you or upsets you or scares you, it does all the same to me but still.... I did it.  I'm sorry.

But honestly, other than driving myself over to his house?  I'm having an extremely hard time getting myself out of my apartment.  At all.

There are some days where the only reason I leave my front door is to get a "flight of stairs" on my fitbit so I can hit all my "stars" and get a virtual high five.  But even on those days I don't go outside.  I barely go outside.  I'm proud of myself if I go for a walk outside once a week.  And fuck me does that suck.

When I go to Jason's there is a back yard and I am outside, so it's not as if I never get fresh air, but it's different, at least in my mind when I go from my inside box to his fenced yard box and back.  It feels... well it feels like I'm terrified.  Which at least a part of me is.

I am finding it incredibly difficult to get outside and around my neighbourhood for walks and exercise.  And it freaks me out.

I see lots of people, or, ok, I don't know how many but it feels like "everyone except me" (which it probably isn't) out and about doing things.  I know people haven't stopped shopping.  C-Dawg and Jason both talk to me about their grocery adventures... where they go, how busy it was, and I know C-Dawg shops for her folks and in laws and, well, my folks are doing online groceries as well, so... yeah.  Sigh.  But I feel like I have, in my attempt to be well and stay healthy, I feel like I have boxed myself in extra extra tight to a box that was already fairly enclosed.

And as my psychologist said, I was just starting to get out there again... I was just starting to get back to the gym and socializing a bit more and now... this.

I am scared.  I really am.  Not just about getting sick, but about getting stuck in here.  About how to motivate myself when I was already struggling with motivation and now there's this perceived, invisible risk out there... everywhere.

I've read a few things about how this particular situation is so hard on humans because of that invisible nature of the virus.  Something something neuroscience and wiring and this is not good for us.  Especially with absolutely no end in sight.  And yes, I hear the talk that this may be "years" and I just... don't know.  I do not know how to mitigate my risk and my fear.

I do not know how to motivate myself to DO ALL THE THINGS when all the things feel literally unsafe.  I mean they always used to feel overwhelming and like... a lot, but now they feel... deadly.  But people are still doing things.  They are.  And I judge them at times.  But they are out and about and shopping and visiting and exercising and doing all sorts of things and I am not.

I am stuck in this box and I am afraid of never feeling safe enough to get out but I am also afraid of getting out and I know there is a lot of this in my head and, well, good thing I have one of those video counselling sessions tomorrow to talk about it eh?

Sigh.

This is just hard.  And I'm scared.  And scared.  And struggling.  And I'm torn.  Torn between something that feels both safe and not ok.  Less likely to catch the virus if I never leave my box, but it's no way to live being stuck inside a shrinking box. 

The Car Spider Saga

Oh dear....

So....... the spider from the other day that I tried to help.  He/she is, well, was doing better but I just had to destroy another web.  Sigh.

I noticed a couple of days after I'd tried to carefully destroy yet save the first web that spider pal had made one sort of up against the roof, horizontal, and I thought well, not sure you'll catch much there but glad to see you've figured something out.

And then when I went to my car yesterday, it had made another new web once again using my car as an anchor spot.  Sigh!

So, again, I tried to take the web down while leaving an anchor for the spider but still allowing me to get into my car and not drag the spider with me. 

But now I'm nervous to go out to my car again and see if another new web might be attached to my car again, d'oh!

I wish there was some way to leave a note... like, hey dude, you really need to not rely on this car as an anchor point, it moves, k?

A Phase

Certain things are carefully reopening around here, but I'm not.

Hmm, that sounds a little wrong, I just mean to say that although certain services are available to me starting this week, I am not rushing out to use them.

Starting this week, I could, if I wanted, look into booking a hair cut, possibly an acupuncture appointment, physio, some gyms are working on opening "soon", and I'm sure some other things I haven't been emailed or notified about yet.  And I'm not going to be booking any appointments or going to any of those places.  I don't know if/when I will again actually...

I suppose in some ways I'm waiting to see what happens over the next few weeks in terms of transmission rates and possible increases in cases.  To be honest, part of me thinks I should just go and do those things now, before, say the borders open up again or people start visiting from elsewhere, potentially bringing the virus with them.  And I know what's happening here in terms of careful openings isn't happening everywhere.  To be honest, I haven't looked at other provinces, and I'm doing my best to ignore the un-ignorable coming from U.S.-based news, and I'm unclear about other countries too.

I know we all have different populations and different living situations (some cities are far more people compacted in than we are, for example) and different known case numbers and different approaches and I know I'm only hearing the very tail end of whatever high up conversations are happening between health officials and governments and who's talking to who across the world... all that to say I know what's happening in my small corner of the world is not what's happening anywhere else and that too is an odd feeling.

So, no, I'm not changing anything on my end, not for now, not for a while, and we'll see.  We'll see what happens or doesn't happen or what unfolds or changes. 

This is all so complex, and I know when I start to think about those complexities and situations other than my own, I get very quickly overwhelmed, so while I am not oblivious to all of the other things out there and all the ways people and businesses and organizations are struggling, I'm really trying to keep myself on the lower end of panicked.  So I'm not "going there" with a lot of this.  But damn.... this isn't easy and it isn't simple.

I wish us all well.  Everywhere, I truly do.

And to quote our Chief Health Officer, the amazing,  Dr Bonnie Henry... "Be kind, be calm, be safe".

Oh....Right

Jason said something about this weekend and it being a long weekend and I said... yeah, no... it's just another Monday where some people are working and some aren't and some would like to be and others are afraid and so yeah, not feeling like a long weekend to me.  But technically it is, so happy (checks the calendar) Victoria Day!

Hope you and yours are ok, in all ways.

Paikea's Speech

Jason suggested I watch Whale Rider - a movie I remember coming out a while ago, but somehow never got around to watching.

The movie wasn't what I remember expecting from the trailers and posters at the time, but it was lovely, and touching, and there was this certain point in the movie that just broke my heart open and I cried for the next half hour or more... at least.  Big heavy crying.  Sobbing.  I was, I suppose, letting a lot go.  But yeah, there was something about this movie, and this speech and the beautiful portrayal (it did not feel like acting, just living...) that hit my very intensely.

I'm still processing, I'm sure, but it feels like something shifted in my entire system.  And I'm not even sure that makes sense to me, and I'm the one writing it.

I'm not sure this clip will mean anything to anyone but me, but I wanted to put it here, to remember.

Hope you're well, wherever you are.

Pikea's Speech - Whale Rider

Sorry Buddy!

I tried to help a spider.

(Photo unrelated, no spiders to see here!)

I went out to my car yesterday and there was a spider web, all nicely made, but one of the attachments was to my car.

I did not want the little fellow (lady?) to get dragged away with my car and end up who knows where so I carefully tried to destroy the web in a way that left it attached to the top of the car port parking thing and the post, but I felt SO BAD destroying the web!  I kept apologizing but it's hard to explain to a spider that you're actually trying to help.  I just feel like the poor little thing was like NOOOOOOOOO!  All my work!!!

I really hope that he/she made their web somewhere else, but when I go out to my car next, I'll take a look and see just in case they thought to try again there!

Anyway, I tried to help but I still felt mean... Sorry!!!

Um....

I legit have no idea how, but I have a pretty sore bruised (?) area on the top of my left foot!

I first discovered it yesterday (?) and I thought it was because I put my sandals on for the first time and they rubbed or something?  But then I put my sandals back on and they don't seem to hit that spot.

And then when I woke up today I noticed it seemed bruised but not the purple kind, the sort of off colour dark kind and now I'm sitting here honestly trying to remember if I dropped something on my foot?

Because it's entirely possible I did.  I can almost fathom a vague memory of going ouch and thinking "that will hurt" but I don't actually remember it so it might not have happened but um, yeah, I hurt the top of my foot somehow and I have absolutely no idea how and the fact that I might have dropped something on it and forgotten is actually pretty weird.

Know what I mean?

Blah

Yeah, I think things are just really getting to me this week.  Sorry.  I've been trying to be uplifting, or at least frigging neutral, but I'm just low right now I guess.  Which makes me feel bad, which doesn't help...

I'm tired and stressed.  Emotionally tired, I mean.  Although ask me first thing and I'll tell you I'm sleep-tired too.  I feel like I'm having an extra hard time looking at life right now and seeing that this.... this global virus pandemic that I don't want to be real.... this is going to go on for, maybe ever.  Or probably sort of for years?  What feels like forever, anyway.  March sucked for me.  I was terrified.  Panic attacks.  Not good.  April was ok.  Weird, and low... I had a harder time getting out of the house and I was still stressed.  But now, mid May?  I'm not feeling it.  I'm angry and afraid and this week at least?  Miserable.  Although that can change moment by moment I suppose but yeah, I'm blah.

I talked to Jason about it last night and I said that part of it is probably that I feel like I've been trying really hard to keep myself and OTHERS safe.  Like, sure, me staying inside is to keep me safe, but it's also to keep me away from others in case I'm asymptomatic and unknowingly spreading illness.  And now as we hear reports of folks relaxing.... I guess part of me is angry.  Like, I'm sacrificing, and it feels like you can't?  Or won't?  And I try try try not to judge because I don't know what's going on for them.  Maybe they've broken, mental health wise and just need to see their friends and be out on the beach.  Maybe they're at wit's ends.  Maybe they're not concerned about getting sick.  I don't know.  So I'm trying to let it go but it's hard.

I got frustrated out on a walk the other day (if I haven't already babbled about it).  They opened up the park near me to traffic again and so unlike for the past month and a half there were cars and more folks walking around.  Which on one hand is great, and parks are lovely and fresh air and sunshine is good for us but for me, it meant more dodging.  More being FUCKING ALERT for other people so I could avoid them, or pull my bandana up if unable to get far away from them (I try to avoid thin... areas where there's no room to distance)  So the walk wasn't relaxing.  It wasn't easy.  And at the end of March they were.  I'd see hardly anyone, and we'd all be far from each other.  And there was no traffic so it was easy to distance when you needed to.  But this?  This sucked.

And yes, I want to go to the beach, of COURSE I do.  I haven't seen the ocean in weeks.  But am I going to walk down to the beach that's closest to me?  With everyone else?  NOPE!  And right now that's pissing me off.

I know we're all suffering or struggling or whatever other emotions people are dealing with but .... I selfishly want my empty streets and sidewalks back. 

And I don't know how this is going to go as we head towards Summer and warmer weather and I just... I'm not supposed to think beyond today... that screws me up.... so I'll try to stop myself from going there, but ugh.  And blah.  I'm not particularly chipper right now.

And I feel pretty damn blah.

Sigh

I know, that's probably a title around here more often than not but really.... sigh.

My province is apparently "slowly" "opening up".  In phases or steps or whatever you want to call it, and I know other places around the world are doing similarly (kinda) but still... I'm feeling not so great.

Someone somewhere (I think an artist I follow on social media) said that while "lockdown/quarantine" was just a sudden stop, this... this feels less comfortable in so many ways.  (I'm sure she put it better.)  Being told to stay inside was shocking and sudden but it was also fairly defined and definite.  But now it feels like so many, too many variables.  Partial reopening of things.  You can extend your bubble slightly outside of your household.  But not inside.  And still with distancing.  And schools are going to be open again.  But also not?  But no one really feels ok with that?  And my acupuncture place is opening again but I don't feel ok about that even though I'd like some.  "Just stay home" was easier... although not easy.  This doesn't feel ok.

I can't find a reasonable-for-me place to settle.  I will still be shopping online (despite how much more I spend doing so), and I will still be avoiding stores (I think I have been in a store three times since the middle of March, and each time I was afraid.... anxiety afraid.)  I might go hang out in a park at a distance with C-Dawg but we likely won't hug (and oh how I've cried over that) and my parents won't see me any time soon and I won't hug them (yeah, more crying there, I just want to hug and be hugged so much but I'm so scared of making someone sick.)  I won't see family or friends, so my "socializing" probably won't change at all from what it is now.  So my potential change is practitioners.

My counsellors might offer in person sessions again.  Which I have been missing, a lot.   But then that means an increased risk of exposure.  But maybe not a huge risk?  But maybe too much.  And same for acupuncture (it helps a lot with my anxiety and sleep), and at some point massage I suppose (helps a lot with aches and pains) and, my hair stylist has talked about reopening and I don't need a hair cut but I feel like I should support her financially by getting one but that's exposure and all of it is just more potential exposure.

Not just FOR me but BY me.  Because I have no way of knowing if I'm an asymptomatic carrier.  I'm probably not, but I can't guarantee that, and I do not not not not not want to unknowingly get someone sick.

Nor do I want to get sick myself.  Or so on and so forth, so the "safest" thing to do is stay home.  But... like... forever?

Do I expect another lockdown to happen because of an increase in cases?  Yeah, I do.  But I try to tell myself I'm not an expert and the experts are the ones making the decisions here.

There's a meme going around... "Easing the lockdown doesn't mean we've beaten the virus, it means the hospitals have room for you now" and... ouch.  Sigh.

And oh.  Oh the things coming out of the country to the south of us.  Oh.  I am so many things.  Horrified.  Terrified.  Angry.  Furious.  Sad.  Scared.  Rocking back and forth trying to make it all go away because it is too too much.  The muddle of mixed responses.  The endless coverage.  I can't.  I mean, I do.  But I can't.  Let's leave that aside.

I am scared.

Anxiety eats up "future what ifs" and grows bigger and bigger on them.  And that's all I feel right now.  Few.... none of them good.

I've had a few people around me say that they won't continue to live in a box and I don't know how I personally feel about that.

I've kind of been living in a box for a while now with my health and anxiety stuff, but this box is different and I miss things.  I miss appointments and seeing practitioners, I do.  But it is not safe.

But it will not be safe safe for a time.  Probably a long time.  "Long" being relative.  An unknown, possibly long long time.  So what do I do?

You can't answer for me.  You can only answer for you.

I don't know what my answer is.  For a while it may be a "wait and see". 

I'm tired of dodging people on sidewalks.  It was sweet for a while when there was hardly anyone out, but now there are far more folks out and the dodging is less fun and I'm tired of it.  It tires me.  So I don't always go out.

I feel like I'm whining but this sucks right now because the reopening is making me feel unsettled and like I have to make decisions.  It was "easier" on me when the decisions had been taken away because everything was closed.  I don't know what to do now that the choices are seemingly mine again.

So, sigh. 

This sucks.

Sorry for whining.  I know I'm lucky.  That's all.

Sprummer

Well, this weekend marked the first "phew, that was warm" of the year for me.

We had a few sunny days in a row and they got warm and I ended up with my first phase of heat management in my place - using my blinds to block the sun in the middle of the day.  That, and open windows, and fewer blankets at night, and, by mid-day Saturday, I pulled out my sarong for lounging in, which really, is an indicator of summer to me.

I considered getting my fans out but it's apparently going to rain all this week and cool off so I waited.

It was kind of funny that at the same time, other folks were dealing with "WTF it's SNOWING in MAY?", and hey, I'm not complaining about glorious sunshine and deliciously long days, I'm just making conversation, eh?

So while it's still Spring and Summer is a while off, technically speaking, it crossed some sort of threshold this weekend.  At least for a few days.  Like a little bit of Summer in Spring.

Mugginess and all.

Not Going To Do It!

I am totally not going to do this, it's just something my brain thinks of from time to time.... but, lately, when I put my hair into a ponytail, I think "I wonder what would happen if I just cut off the end of that ponytail!"

Like, as in, it would probably look terrible but no one would see it cuz I'm not going anywhere and my hairdresser could just fix it eventually.

I say again, I'm totally not going to do this, nope, not at all, but the thought is there.  It kind of reminds me of that weird head doll one of my friends had that you could style its hair but of course we'd cut it and then there would be no more hair left to play with cuz you gave it a weird cut and, well, yeah.

No home cuts here.  I'm just... vaguely curious what it would look like!  (And how horrified my stylist would be when I showed up with some randomly cut hair!)

That Albert Guy Was Right

So time is no longer a thing, eh?

Well, I mean it is, insofar as how we... track it or whatever but my brain, or my ... psyche?  or whatever it is is no longer dealing with time in the same way.

Like it's squishing and extending and March was so so so so long and drawn out and never ending and then April took about a day to happen and I really have no idea how it's May and yes, I've often talked here and there about how fast a year went or "man, how is it this month already" but right now I feel like I'm really losing track of things and that the time keeping part of my reality is slipping.

I'm not sure weekends mean much to me right now... they're just another day when I have to do whatever it is and not do whatever.  And every day has the same sense of "stay well stay safe stay well stay safe" and I'm pretty much just inside all the time.... I mean, I have no appointments.  I don't GO anywhere on a regular basis like I used to.  I'm not complaining about that, I'm doing fine without whatever appointments, I just mean that I had no idea how much structure they added to my world.  "Ok, it's Tuesday, that means I have physio at 4." Whereas now, I have a sense of the name of the day because my computer and phone say the day..... but there isn't the same structure.

I do have my video counselling appointments and I do have my grocery delivery but those are two things over seven days.  Yes I have things I'm doing and keeping up with and my phone and computer diary/calendars make sure I know when things are due but things aren't defined.  I lost track of the fact that (Name of show) comes out on (day of week) because what are days even?  (Plus I don't have cable so don't need to catch them on the exact day but still)

It's weird.  I know time is still the same, it's my perception of it that is different and time really really is relative.  (And it's even weirder that so many of us, all around the frigging world, noticed the same thing....)

I'm Tired

Y'all I'm tired.

Jason had a medical event last week.  It wasn't virus related, but he did need to go to the hospital and he did not want to.  Long story short, I was freaked out (he called to say what was going on) and told him I was on my way to drive him there and then when I got to his place I passed the ambulance with him in the back of it, so, I thankfully didn't have to take him.... is that selfish?  Perhaps, but I'm scared.  I just am.

So he's fine.  Which is great.  And he said the protocols were great and that the suspected Covid patients actually apparently go to another hospital so his risk was lower (but that he still didn't touch anything and wore a mask and washed everything and showered once home).  (But he's putting himself in isolation anyway just in case.)  But me?  I'm exhausted.

I did NOT sleep the night this happened.  Not in that over dramatic way where you sleep a little but say you didn't.... I actually did not sleep.  I lay in bed, sure, but sleep?  No.  And my body hasn't recovered from that yet.  So I'm tired.

And I think I was tired anyway... this is tiring, but now I'm tired on top of that tired.

And when I got up the morning after my non sleep night I was worried at how tired I was.  Because tired can mean run down and run down can mean more prone to getting sick and I do not, have I mentioned?  I do not want to get sick right now.  More so than usual.  And, well, I never want to get sick so.. yeah.

Tired.

But yeah, Jason's fine now.  He feels dumb, and I won't comment on that... ahem, but he's dealing with things and all that stuff and me?  I am still recovering from the fear and stress and I am pretty damn tired.  And yeah, it was awful at the time, and I wish life were not this way... but it is... and apparently that's just that.

Sigh.

Green Germs

When I was a kid (and my Mom was a nurse), I was taught to "see" (really just think of or imagine) germs on things when I was sick.

So, for example, I remember being home sick from school with... whatever... bronchitis or something (because I remember one year I had it and so wasn't allowed out for Halloween which is like SO UNFAIR BECAUSE CANDY!!!!) and my Mom would set up a "sick bed" on the couch.

Meanwhile she'd be washing or airing out sheets and pillows from my bed, to get rid of the germs from there.  (I say "germs" as a general term... and I always thought they were green, probably like that slime ghost thing from Ghostbusters)

Next to that sick bed on the couch, there'd be a plastic bag that tissues would go into, because you didn't want those tissues lying around with germs on them.... you wanted the germs contained in that bag.  Etc etc.  And Mom always taught us to try to avoid wiping our eyes/nose when we were sick because that would just be spreading the germs around and you didn't want them to get into your eyes/nose, etc.

So now with this virus.... I "see" it everywhere.  We've been told from the start to wash our hands and avoid touching our face and on top of that my brain sees the "germs" everywhere.  Which is.... honestly, exhausting.  Because I know the virus is literally not everywhere, but caution suggests to act as if, and wash hands and avoid touching face and and and... sigh.  I'm tired.

I think I've loosened up a bit over the last month or two... As in my place is probably pretty clean and virus free, or at least low probability, so I'm a little more relaxed around my place.  I still wash my hands if I go check the mail or take garbage out or anything and I actually bought some handkerchiefs and I use them to open doors and things (it's my attempt to be a little more environmentally friendly than the gloves, but I have them too for things like getting gas, etc.)  And so I tell myself that between my "avoid touch" fabric handkerchief and my washing hands once I'm back in my place and still trying to not touch my face.... I tell myself that I'm doing ok.  Plus, I'm still, as far as I know (because who really knows...) I've stayed healthy this last while so... I'm doing ok.

But yeah, there is still a stressful feeling of a sense of everything being coated by those imagined green germs.... and everyone being sick and breathing out those green germs.  It stresses me, for sure.

I hope to continue to be well, and I guess my Mom's childhood sickness protocols are a mixed blessing because it was easy for me to remember them, but it's also kind of tiring to think of them all the time, rather than just for a week home sick with bronchitis....

(Plus no one's here to carry me to bed like Dad would sometimes do!)

Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

You know how sometimes you don't notice something until you notice it and then once you've noticed it you can't stop noticing it?

Yeah, well, my hair has gotten heavy.

And now I can't un-notice it.

So my hair is long but not LOOOOONG, but in order to help me save some money my hairdresser has been stretching out the amount of time between trims.  So my last trim was late Fall and I was scheduled to have a trim in March.

And I was totally ok when she cancelled it for safety reasons.  Totally, completely, 400% ok, because it's just hair and it just needs a trim, nothing major.  I can go without.

And then the other day I thought that my hair felt extra heavy in the bun thing I put it up into.  As in it doesn't really stay up well and kind of pulls at my head and it's not super comfortable and like I said, once I start noticing the feeling it's hard to un-notice the feeling and, well, my hair is heavy right now!!!

I realized it's because I haven't had a cut/trim in a lot longer than just "March".  It's actually been several months and my hair is thick and heavy at the best of times but now there are a few more inches than usual and, well... it's heavy y'all!

One little tiny part of me thinks "Oh, I'll just... use scissors and cut it and then she can fix it when things are more normal and open again!" and the rest of me is like NO!  Just, NO!

It's easiest just to ignore it and maybe even assume that the heavy feeling is stress related or something I dunno!  But yeah, it was a funny moment when I did the math and realized I haven't had a hair cut in a lot longer than a month! (More like five or maybe even six?  Whoops!)

How Long Is This Damn Tunnel Anyway?

One of the things that I kind of have to actively avoid thinking about, and I'm sorry to bring it up here and making it a permanent publicly displayed thought, is "how will this ever actually end?"

I know we're learning more and more about this virus every day, and that scientists and doctors and experts are working really really hard to figure things out and I am so grateful for that.

I just, of course, don't know the answer for myself, and that's hard for my anxiety to handle when all it really ever wants is simple, clear, very black and white answers.

(Which, hi, life doesn't really do anyway but this situation certainly isn't doing....)

So I avoid thinking of "how long" and all the rest that goes along with that, but it's hard, and it's there and I wonder and I'm scared.  And there is still a part of me, I swear, that isn't accepting that this is really happening in like a bizarre way... some kind of self preservation thing I'm sure but ugh.

Blah.

Sigh.

I don't like this.

Hold On Just A Second

You're telling me it's May?

As in we just finished April???

WHAT?

Things are so weird right now...

Sometimes It Drives Me Bonkers

I live in an older building.  And one of the things that they did not "update" when they did our "reno-viction" was the heating system, which for my apartment is a radiator system.

I've mentioned before my success at finally turning off the heat a couple of weeks back, but what I haven't mentioned is the noise...noises.  Sigh.

Whenever they (being plumbers) do something in the building to the water (or boiler?) system, it means air gets into the system and my radiators make noises.

I learned this the fourth or fifth time a plumber came in to deal with my noisy radiators and he said basically "we all know that in these old buildings when we do something to the system, we'll have to come bleed and deal with some radiators."

Well a few months ago we got a notice that our water was being shut off for repairs or something in one of the suites.  And, of course, my radiators started making "running water" noise after that.  But I didn't do anything.  Because I didn't feel like it at the time.  And then Covid hit and I no longer want someone coming into my place (unless it's an emergency) and, well, my radiators are still making noise.  The main/largest one is the one in my main room ("living room") and for the last week or so it has been sounding, I kid you not, like the bubbles a big water cooler bottle makes.

I mean, not all the time.  But enough that it's actually starting to drive me a little bonkers.

When I had the radiator on, it was making "running water" noises, but now the echo of this dripping that ends up being the water cooler BLOOP sound is... getting on my nerves.

I know I could call and ask for a plumber to come look at it and hopefully fix it but my anxiety really really doesn't want a stranger in my place right now.  And honestly, that's assuming they'll come out for something that's not an emergency.

Which means I'm considering trying to do something about it myself.  And I assume that would mean "bleeding" the radiator, which I've seen them do and also looked up online.  Do I think I can do it well?  Oh, heck no.  Do I currently have the tool for it?  Oh, heck no.  (Radiator key and water ... pan for catching water.)  Do I have any idea what I'd be doing?  NOPE!  But "trying to ignore it" only goes so well depending on the day and general sanity level so... I might actually be looking at buying myself a radiator key tool and, um... trying to do a thing.

Because BLOOP.

BLOOP.

BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP!!!

Unforeseen Consequence

When I stopped going out (mid March?) I stopped driving as much.

For a good few weeks the only driving I did was to drop off or pick up something at Jason's and that's a maybe 15 minute slow drive.  At the end of March my car started sounding not so good when I started it.

And a few days after that it was really struggling to start.

Now my anxiety of course suggested that CAR WAS DYING AND GOING TO COST SO MUCH MONEY, but I've also been learning about cars over the last few years so I sat for a bit and thought.

Hmmm... my car hasn't been driven much.  So the alternator hasn't been... um... alternating... er, charging the battery.  So maybe if I take it for a drive I can see if that helps?

So I went for a little late night drive.  Probably half an hour, maybe forty minutes.  Just to a farther away part of town and back.  I felt like I was doing something illegal since we aren't really supposed to do things we don't need to and although there was no traffic I half kept expecting police to pull me over at which point I'd have to try to explain that I was trying to keep my car healthy at 11:00 at night?

Anyway, I did that short-ish drive experiment and the next time I went to start my car it sounded and felt so much happier.  So last week I drove out on the highway out towards where the ferries are (but not that far) and now my car feels a lot happier and hopefully "back to normal."

I'm going to try to remind myself to drive places to keep the car healthy and to do a longer, highway speed drive once a month at least.

But yeah, something I didn't really expect to happen with staying home and not driving... look after your cars y'all, they might be missing driving!

Le Blown Budget

How I shop these days is drastically different from how I used to shop B.C.  (before Covid/Corona, not the other C...I'm not *that* old!)

My usual shopping habits include keeping a mild track of what I was running low of and sticking that on a list.  Then I'd casually check for it to be on sale for the next while and if it didn't go on sale before I ran nearly completely out, I would purchase it full price with a sigh. 

Now, I make a list and I transfer that list to one of the stores I'm using for online shopping and delivery.  One is a local grocery store, one is a fairly local (this coast of Canada I think?) non-grocery store, and one is Amazon, for those things that neither of the other stores have.  Between those three, I'm usually able to find one that has the item and then it's a matter of if it will be in stock when I order and then how long it will take to be delivered.

So it's meant a few changes.  The main one being that I try not to leave things last minute.  Because I'm not just "popping out" to the store anymore, so I can't let things run as low as I used to.  I mean, let's be honest, I CAN, I'm just choosing not to.  So I'm trying to anticipate running out of things a lot earlier than I would have.  Like needing a refill of vitamins at half a bottle rather than at the tail end of the bottle.  Because a delivery might not come in a week, it might be two, or three, or they might not have stock, it might be longer?

And yes, my anxiety is messing with this process, for sure.  Like I keep having this huge fear that the supply chain will break down and that I will not be able to buy... whatever the thing is.  And yes, I do reassure myself that I can live without the stuff, for sure.  As long as I maintain my shelter, food, and water, I should be ok.  But as we all know, anxiety doesn't really care about "logic" like that, so my anxiety around shopping is high.

I know folks are still going into stores.  I'm not.  I think I have been into one store once a month or so ago because someone close to me was turning 50 and I wanted to get them a special card and I couldn't find any online (certainly not that would come in time) so I went in, as protected as I could make myself and I didn't like it and I spent the next 10 days hoping to stay asymptomatic.  (Sigh)

So, yeah, I have an ongoing list for groceries that I try to add to.  I get a delivery so far once a week, and so far I've turned it into a fun game of "what did I *actually* get and what substitutions and what did I not get at all!?"  And then I have an ongoing list of "other things" like, oh, I dunno, moisturizer to help my hands stop cracking with the washing?  Or, yes, I confess, the chocolate bar or two (guilt).  And then I have another list of things I can't get via grocery or other store that I will likely have to get from Amazon.  And rarely, if ever (with the exception of the grocery store) are things on sale.  Not because they're not ON sale, but because my timing is shifted.  I'm no longer wandering through stores checking for sales on items I need soonish, I'm ordering said things at whatever price they're at and hoping they arrive in time before I run out.  (Or before whatever fear my anxiety tells me might happen.)

And then, yes, I have the delivery anxiety.  Jason says I can deliver to his place if I want, and I think I might start that, not so much for the contact situation, but more for the ongoing stress waiting for deliveries brings me.  Not groceries through, because... fridge and stuff. 

But I also have this anxiety that I'm trying to figure out that has something to do with fearing not having stuff.  Like wanting to buy Thing before the online stores close because... of this world situation.  Be it a strike, or illness or supply breakdown or, I don't even know... but I have this huge internal push to GET THE THING that six months ago I would have just shrugged off.  Like I bought a trio of books that I have NO NEED for, especially since I have my entire bookshelf of books to read through but there was a panic buy of them.... sigh.  So yeah, my budget is a disaster.  And I am still not able to find certain things... like *certain brand* wipes.  And liquid hand soap has been hard to find for a month now (Jason just apparently went into a store and bought me some and well, people being nice to me makes me cry).

I'm trying though.  I told myself today that it's really only been two months, and so whatever routine I might settle into with regards to purchasing this way may yet settle out.

Like for sure in the month of March I was really high anxiety and probably panicking about things and I spent a LOT of money in that time, but maybe now that I have that extra container of Vitamin C and that extra shampoo or whatever it was I bought.... maybe now I can have a bit of a breather on purchases?  Because damn, my VISA would really appreciate that.  Sigh.

I legit remember thinking to myself that when "lockdown" (or whatever we're calling it... "stay at home"?) happened that I would save SO MUCH money because I wouldn't be wandering the stores and shopping.  I had no idea I would have this panic to buy things.  And no, I haven't hoarded, and no I haven't stocked up on what it seems many have (I've got a normal amount of toilet paper, I have a normal amount of cleaning supplies, the only masks I have are from my Burning Man gear, and I have one thing of gloves that turn my hands into sauna swimming pools... but I digress)

I am working to reign in my spending and get back to something resembling a budget so that I can go back to not spending money I don't really have.  I'm working on it, while also trying to remind myself that I'm also working against my anxiety and internal not-helpful-thoughts.

March and April were financially not good for me.  I'm hoping to calm and change that for the better.

Glares At Self

I hope none of you have stomach issues, and so can't relate to this....  but I'm seriously sitting here on Sunday morning (as I write this) and I KNEW if I ate what I did it would upset my stomach like 98.5% sure... and I ate it anyway... and now I'm sitting here with an upset stomach and it is really completely totally my fault and so there's nothing I can blame except me.

Sigh.

But yes, the thing I shouldn't have eaten tasted very good at the time I ate it.  And no, I don't want any more of it any time soon because bleargh.  But, yes, I will likely risk it at some future point because while I may be smart, I can also be dumb.

Le sigh.  I should maybe put myself in a corner for a time out or something.... but it kind of feels like the upset stomach is enough "punishment" for now.

Sorry me.

Zzzzzzz?

How's everyone's sleep?

I'm hoping I'm not going to jinx myself but I'm a bit hit and miss.  But I ask because Jason doesn't seem to be sleeping much at all since this started (on a "good" night he says he'll get a few hours in a row) and when he mentioned that to a doctor today the doctor said that was pretty common right now.

So... informal survey... how's your sleep?

Whoops

So it seems that me finally figuring out how to turn my radiator off meant the weather cooled off and that I then had to turn it back on (a little)!  So, sorry for the weather shift y'all, that's totally my bad!

I don't mind it at all though.  Nor do I mind the light in the sky at nine pm the other night.  I don't mind that at all!

Spring is certainly here.  The trees along the streets near me have gone from "kind of thinking about budding?" to "WE ARE TOTALLY ALL GREEN LEAVES NOW WOOO HOOOO" and it's very... Spring and New Life and all sorts of good things.

But yeah, the cold?  My fault, sorrrryyyyyyy!

Ahhhhhhh

Well I finally managed to turn down/off the radiators in my place!  Phew!

We don't have much control over the heat here, although they include "heat and hot water" in the rent.  *shrug*  So I assume the boiler heat is adjusted seasonally (although I'm really just guessing) and, well my place has been kind of icky hot.

Yes, it's warmer these days (and lighter longer too YAY!) but I'm talking 24 C. at night.... and it's only *just* Spring.

Now, you know how things are generally "righty tighty, lefty loosy" and so usually to turn something off you turn it to the "right".  Except my main room radiator the screw/dial/knob (?) thing is... either sideways or backwards or I'm not even sure how to describe it other than to turn it off I have to bend my arm and hand in a weird way.

So I thought I'd turned it the correct way but it was still putting out some heat.  Not a lot.  But enough to drive the temperature up even with my windows open.

I wondered if they hadn't adjusted the boiler or if I'd just made that up completely and I thought before I sent them a message about it I'd try one last experiment.  So... I girded my loins for potential heat overload and I turned the radiator ALL the way the OTHER way.  And CUE ANGELS SINGING the darn thing turned off and now my place is cool again YAY!

So I made a note on my calendar for myself for next Spring that to turn off this radiator I have to turn it to MY left (when facing the thing) and hopefully that will make sense next year.  And stuff.

Now I'm just confused as to my other radiators where the dial/knob/thing is "normal" but feels ... wrong.  Sigh.  I dunno.  Old buildings man, I tells ya!

Sigh

I had a blog post all started in my head and then I sent a text to someone and now I've completely forgotten what all I was going to talk/write about.  Le sigh.

I, um, guess I'm doing kind of ok.  Not... great, but not awful anymore either.  Like I've said before, March was awful, and I was terrified that that's what the next X number of months would feel like. 

I said to someone the other day that I just want to feel safe again.  They said that they just wanted to get back to work and I said that I just want to feel safe again.  And that I have no idea when that might actually be.  When there's a vaccine?  Which could be years?  I don't know.

I have also been trying to read less and less about it, which means there are some things I'm not entirely clear about, and when I do try to read about them, I tend to get mixed messages and I end up just stressed and confused again because I prefer when things are black and white and life doesn't work in that way with much of anything.

But, like, when do I get to feel a little more "safe" or "relaxed"?  Will I find out some day that I've had it and have antibodies?  Will that mean I'm immune?  Not?  Can I get it again?  A different version?  Have I already?  Will I get it and die?  Or be very sick?  Or not?  I don't know.  I think what would make me feel a little safer is some kind of indication that I've had it (and am ok) and that I can't have it again.  Because that would take away half of the fear.  I'd still be cautious about potentially spreading to others, but I think if I knew I had had it and wasn't going to contract it again I could relax a little  (and just worry about my loved ones and friends and those I know.....sigh)

Other than that I don't know how to feel safe.  Or safer.  I'm scared of everyone and everything right now.  I had a panic attack the other morning because I dropped off a birthday gift to my Mom.

(My parents are both in the "high risk" age group, but my Mom was a nurse and so she and my Dad are being extremely cautious and careful.)

I had wrapped it and put it into a paper bag more than a week ago to make sure that any virus I might have spread onto it would have "died".  I did all that and let her know I'd one it and then I wore gloves the day of and left it outside their door and I trust that she was careful with it but that morning I panicked because my anxiety told me that I was bringing the virus to my parents and they were going to get sick and die and that it would be my fault and so I sat in my car sobbing and shaking and wiping down all of the surfaces I could reach.  "This was supposed to be a nice, happy thing" I thought... I called Jason and he told me I'd been careful and safe and that my Mom would be too on her end, but still... the fear and anxiety is constant and terrifying right now.  I wish I could get some peace there, but it may be that I just have to live with it.

Sigh.

I shouted up to my parents from the side of their building up to their place, and then I did a video call with them later and my Mom said it was a very memorable birthday but yeah...

And then one of my neighbours knocked on my door and gave me a hand made face mask she'd sewn (complete with nose piece and slot for "filters") and that was so sweet and emotional and I think I babbled something to her about "going to cry now, this is so nice" so... yeah.

Life.  Eh?

More Handwashing Thoughts

I had another thought about my handwashing "issues", and how to best keep my hands from hating me.

I realized that for a lot of the handwashing I'm doing I'm actually using dish soap.  See, I have a hand pump of dish soap next to my kitchen sink and it's super convenient for washing my hands when I first come in the door, so I've been doing that.  And, it's like, 20 steps more convenient than going to the bathroom to use "real" soap the rest of the time too, so.... yeah, dish soap. 

And then the other day as I was washing my hands in the bathroom I thought "you know... this soap *feels* different" and I realized that yeah, it probably actually is.

I'm no soap expert (I only play one on tv!) but I bet there are completely different ingredients (I want to say "surfactants"???) in dish soap than hand/body soap and that dish soap is somehow harder (for grease?) and so has maybe been even meaner to my poor hands than need be.

I've put some moisturizer next to my sinks as a starting point, but they're still looking really... rough.  So I'm trying to order some hand soap pump stuff for my kitchen sink to hopefully keep my hands clean but less beaten up.

Because along with the hangnail situation, they're also looking suddenly really really aged.  I've always been conscious of my hands and the skin on them and I've always tried to sunscreen them (when I remember, whoops!) and I know they're aging, just like the rest of me and the rest of my skin but this increased washing (both length/amount and frequency) really seems to be making the skin not so happy.

So I'm hoping that if I start using "non dish" soap and keep up with my moisturizing (and moisturizing from the inside too, thanks water!) that my hands will be clean and also not too terribly upset with me.

They Paved Paradise

I haven't used this thing (in the photo) in a while but it's a "fruit guard".... you can put your fruit in it (of appropriate shape/size of course) and it will keep it from getting bashed too much in your lunch bag.  When I bought it, I also noticed that it accidentally (?) looked super cute!  Aaaaaanyway....

I was thinking, in addition to how it sometimes hits me what a unique situation this is... a worldwide phenomenon.... I also am quite regularly hit by an intense sadness around it all.  It hurts me and makes me sad that we have to be like this... that we have to consider physical distancing and gloves/masks to be around people in a way I don't think we are really built for.

I mean, I'm an introvert.  For sure.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss interacting with people.  I still smile and nod and say hello, from a distance, on walks, when I pass someone.... sometimes.  But I miss the closeness.  I miss avoiding each other on sidewalks.  Noticing a runner approaching and skimming past you.  Reaching down to let a dog sniff my hand as I wander by.  I miss people just being relaxed around each other.  I miss being annoyed that someone was in your personal space bubble because it was annoying, not because there might be an exchange of a scary virus.  And yes, I know, I know, we're always incidentally spreading colds and flus and germs with our closeness, it's just this one is different.  And it makes me sad sometimes to see.

I got emotional the other day driving past a grocery store and seeing the long line of folks, physically distanced, wearing gloves and masks and all the rest and I wish it wasn't like this.

As Joni Mitchell reminds us.... "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone."

How.... Odd.

Sometimes when I put my fears and worries and concerns aside for a moment it strikes me that this is a very unique time.

This virus situation is something that is affecting everyone.  And by "everyone" I mean everyone, everywhere... all around the world.  If you stop and think about that it is incredible.  (Incredible: adjective.  "impossible to believe.  difficult to believe, extraordinary.")

I'm not sure any of us have been in this kind of situation before.  I suppose the argument could be made that those who were alive during World War Two (like my Dad, who was young, but still) were part of something similar, but there also wasn't this level of connection (via the internet, etc.)  And this isn't the same as a war.... in many many ways.

I know it's not fair to make blanket statements about "everyone", but this really is an interesting time.  This thing isn't limited to one landmass or culture or group at all.  While things may be being handled differently in different places, this is, as far as we know, impacting everywhere.

It's a very strange thing if/when I sit and think about it from that perspective.  "We're all in this together" means more than it really ever has before.

And that makes me feel a whole lot of things.

Already...?

I got an email last week from the gym I go to saying that it had been a month since they closed.  Which for me, was a bit of a surprise (or maybe even a shock?) and also meant that it had been probably six weeks since I'd been in the gym.

This time seems to have gone so fast while somehow also not having gone fast at all.  I remember thinking how long March was, and there being memes and jokes about it and seems many of us noticed but now it's mid-April and I'm genuinely not sure how that's possible.  I'm not sure what to make of the time, or the timeline.  Part of me wishes I'd written things down... on a calendar or in my journal or even here because I can't really recall when X happened or Y.  I know I started being cautious at the start of March, but I'm not sure I know when I started really changing my behaviours... not exactly.  And I'm not sure what date our Prime Minister made his first appeal to us to stay home.  I'm not sure which week it was I started getting multiple emails from businesses talking about their response to Covid19 (and me realizing how many places actually *had* my email) and I'm not sure when my anxiety hit a panic level, but I feel like if the gym closed a month+ ago, that's probably around when I started really panicking.  Not just being super anxious, but actual panic, fairly constantly, with panic attacks as well.

I didn't want to write things down at the time though because I needed to sort of at least attempt to buy myself some sort of a buffer.  Like... I knew it was happening and I knew I was terrified, and I knew things were changing but I also needed to function, while doing some preparation, while keeping myself from losing my sh*t.  For real.

I know it's been several weeks of "this" but that also doesn't seem real or true.

I suppose most of us are living in some sort of state of mental... distress?  Disarray?  (Is it fair to say that many of us are dealing with an aspect or two of mental health?   Anxiety?  Depression?  Trauma?)

I know that other countries have been dealing with things for a lot longer, and I wish I had a looking glass to see my, and our future.  But the reality that the email I got showed me is that it's been about a month... at least.  And that feels strange.

Hangnail

I have a hangnail.

I don't get them very often "normally" but I figure the extra extra hand washing maybe has something to do with this one happening (yes, I'm moisturizing, and I've been using a cuticle thing too just to try to avoid this!) but yeah... it's here.  And it's different to have one these days.

So I try to keep a bandaid on it when I'm out of my house, but then I come home and wash my hands so the bandaid has to come off again.  And because my hangnails usually just kind of go away.... and this one isn't, I'm kind of confused.

I'm treating it "properly" according to the interwebs and all that but there's also the aspect of age that I've noticed over the last few years where my skin just doesn't heal as quickly or as nicely as it used to... so maybe that's a part of it on top of the handwashing and who knows maybe even stress?

But yeah... this is the kind of riveting content you come here for, right?  (I see you all shaking your heads no... whoops!)

Deliveries

So.... deliveries are still making me anxious.

(Hmmm.... I was certain I had talked about this before, but a quick search of the blog didn't show anything so.... I'll start again...)

Deliveries make me anxious.

And you would think that now that I'm pretty much home all the time (except for a walk or being outside or going for a drive or...I'm just saying I'm home even more than usual right now) it would be "easier" but it still makes me anxious.

Some of the deliveries, like groceries, have a window of delivery time, and so far they've been great and always within that window.  But my nerves still jump up.  Because almost always at some point during that window I have to pee!  And then my anxiety goes running off about how if I pee that's probably when they'll show up and then what will I do!!! When the reality is... I can take the phone into the bathroom if I want, or at least outside the bathroom door and it's not that huge of a deal...?  (AND HA!  As I was typing out this paragraph my buzzer went and there was my food, ta da!  So... that was funny/ironic/made for tv!)

For the deliveries that don't have a time window I just sort of hope I'm there for the delivery because I really don't want to have to figure out getting to a pickup location, especially as I'm really trying to avoid stores/public...

So far (knock on wood) my Canada Post person has been awesome and just knocked and left stuff at the door..... where as pre....this, they'd buzz and have me come get it or if I wasn't home leave a pickup note.  So hopefully that can continue.  Canada Post seems to also have slight delivery windows (as in "between 9:30 and 1:30") so I can at least attempt to be home for them, and my delivery times seem to be fairly consistent.  There have been days though when I've had a video counselling appointment and then gotten an email that a Canada Post delivery was expected that day and then I'm super anxious that I'll be in the middle of my counselling and they'll show up and, again... part of me knows it's not the end of the world, but it's stressful for anxious me for sure.

I am very grateful for the folks doing the packing and shipping and driving and delivery, so very grateful.  This is just me giving a little insight into how frustrating (and annoying) anxiety can be around things most people may not even notice.

But, yeah, I think I've been getting grocery deliveries for four weeks now... so a month.  I'm still nervous/anxious about it, and it's still a strange way for me to shop and I'm still not eating all that well or all that normally but.... it is what it is, you know?

Well.... Ok.

So... that was a long weekend.  Apparently.  (Because I'm really having a hard time telling lately.)

I woke up Saturday happy it was Saturday.  And then I realized it was Thursday.  But it still took me all morning to "remember" this.  But then I woke up on Saturday and yay, Saturday!  But of course it was Friday.... which I had a hard time remembering for most of the day.  And then, of course, it was actually Saturday which really doesn't mean much these days, except people were talking about "Easter" and things and now here we are on Monday which I guess technically is "Easter Monday" and so still kind of a holiday..... on a long weekend but... I can't really tell and I'm not sure it felt like that. 

I know lots of folks are still working, so perhaps this is not as common as I might think, and I know the people doing renos or whatever it is they're doing on the building next door are back again this morning so it's certainly a "work day" for at least them.

But, um, yeah, that was a weird one... or still is a weird one.  A weird "long weekend" I mean.

Um, so... happy Monday (I'm pretty sure?!)

Hope you and yours are all happy, healthy and well.  Happy Spring....stuff/celebrations/events/holidays.

And Jury

This is something I'm just going to talk quietly about because it's not something I like about myself so.... this is more of a whisper/internal dialogue than anything.

I grew up in a judgemental household.  You'd not necessarily know it but I am aware of it and I am aware that judging is something I do and am working actively not to do, or to do less of.  Mostly it's an internal dialogue thing, unless you're Jason... and then I'll just tell you that I think what you're doing is stupid/wrong but... ahem... I digress.

Right now I'm really working on not judging the choices people are making.  Because I don't know all of the details of their life or situation.  But I do.  I do judge.  And it's frustrating.  Like someone will tell me a choice they made (go to store X) and I will think WHY?  WHY DID YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU COULD ORDER ONLINE INSTEAD?  But I don't tell them that because that's their choice... and because they didn't ask for my opinion.

In my head, I'm wondering why on earth my neighbour is getting into her vehicle with someone I've never seen before because I don't know.  Maybe she's taking her to the doctor, or maybe that's her cousin and she's visiting, I just don't know and it's not exactly my business.  And here's where things become a little bit trickier right now.... because I have an anxious part of myself that yells at me that THIS IS A PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS SO EVERYONE IS MY BUSINESS!!!!

But that's... only so true.  I can't control others or their choices or behaviours, I can only control mine.  But that judgmental part is sure working overtime... THEY SHOULD ALL BE STAYING AT HOME!!!! sigh.  Someone tells me they picked up bread from the bakery this morning and I want to tell them TO STOP GOING OUT!!!!  And that, I'm sure, is out of fear for their health and safety, and I could, I suppose ask them what safety measures the bakery was taking and what they were doing to reduce their own risks but I don't.  I just listen and try to quiet the thoughts in my head that are being oh so judgemental.

So I keep working on being gentle with myself (and others) and I remind myself that we're all figuring this out... we've never done this before (with, perhaps the exception of the quite elderly who lived through the spanish flu or what have you...) and that everyone is just trying to do the best they can (with some exceptions of course.... as humans are not uniform creatures).

But it's hard.  My anxiety seems to think it "knows better" without actually having any qualifications other than worrying a lot.

So... I just hope everyone stays well, I really do.  And I'll keep working on judging less, and letting things go.

Confession

So... I maybe just spent a little bit of time googling "how to look better on a video call,  but I'd never admit that out loud.  (Plus I already knew all of those things and UGH)

On my first video counselling call, my counsellor told me that he too "hates" video calls and so he had just turned off the preview screen that lets you see yourself.  I considered doing that for a moment but I didn't want to take the time to figure out how and I'd probably just worry that I was looking even more awful if I couldn't see myself!  GAH!

On the second call I did more looking away than looking at the actual screen of me and I suppose this is just something I'll get used to.  And, I mean, it's not as if I've never done this before... I FaceTimed with Jay before we even met, tons of times and yeah, I've FaceTimed ever since that was a thing and I've never loved it but... yeah.  Anyway.

I saw a thing the other day where someone took a screen shot of Matthew McConaughey (I had to look that up and I'm still not actually sure I spelled it right TBH!) as he sat in on some learning call or something and the quote was "if he looks this bad on video call we are all doomed!"  But there is something to be said for the skill of lighting and makeup and angles that go into regular filming vs a video call.  For sure. 

If you've watched any of the "celebrities" doing their shows or doing things from home you may have noticed they don't look "the same" and I find it really kind of interesting.

But I still wish I looked BETTER on these damn things, just saying!!!

Sigh.

Not All That Different....

My Mom got a little sad for me the other day (I'm talking to them pretty regularly right now) as she does from time to time and in her slightly sad tone she said "it must be very hard for you being alone right now?"  And I do appreciate the thought, but I had to sort of point out to her that it's really not all that different.... alone wise?  I mean, I don't think my Mom has ever lived by herself if I think about it, and so she maybe isn't aware of the "benefits" to living solo like I am.  But I do know what she must be getting at, I don't have someone here to be alone with.  But I mean I tried to assure her (not sure it worked?) that that's not a very new thing for me.  I've been pretty solitary for a while now, and single for a long while so... I mean.... I'm used to no one in my bed at night and stuff?   (Also no one else to clean up after!)

If I sit and think on it, of course I miss things.  Jason and I have been hanging out fairly regularly (I know, I didn't really tell you but I was going to get around to it... no it's not a "dating" thing.) so that's a change.  And I'm not going for sushi with C-Dawg any time soon but she and I still talk/text the same and she did a drive by book/cookie drop off the other week so I have technically *seen* her!

Do I miss people?  Of course.  But I'm ok right now.  I've been watching people talk about it online and I am aware that some are going stir crazy and some are desperately missing connection or get togethers or whatever their social gatherings were but because I've been home and unwell for a while now (anxiety y'all, not a virus thing) I've lost most of those.... things.  And is there an irony to this all happening just as I was feeling like starting to get back into things?  Of COURSE there is, but I mourned that a few weeks back when we first went into "stay home" and I was terribly upset.  For now, things are not all that terrifically or terribly different.  I still live alone.  I do not have a romantic partner to miss, like I know many are/do.  No, I don't have someone here for company but I haven't since I moved here.  (With the exceptions of when whoever maybe stayed/lived here for a while)

I do miss the freedom of things though, and I mentioned to Jason the other day that right now when I go out for a walk I'm sad that I miss dogs.  Because I don't let myself get close enough to their human to pet the dog or let it sniff my hand as I pass it by which is something I used to do.  So I suppose I miss the freedom of closeness, even though I wasn't walking around hugging everyone, you know?

For Posterity V 2

I went for a long-ish walk last week that took me through the local park.  And there are some things I noticed that I wanted to make note of, in not quite opposition, but contrast?, in, I suppose addition to the list I made a couple of weeks ago.

Birds are still singing.  Perhaps especially more so now that Spring is here and the seasons are shifting.

Children still laugh while playing in their family groups in the park.  I know this because laughter echoes and the sound of it carries, even over distance and with my headphones in.

Dogs still think chasing sticks and going for walks are AWESOME!

Spring wind still has a bite to it.

Cherry (plum?) blossoms are still super pretty and soft and lovely while they last.

Rain still leaves puddles.  Mud is still muddy.

Herons still sound like dinosaurs to me.

People are trying their best and trying to stay happy and healthy in a situation that is novel to us all.

Onwards

I'm ok today.  I'm not great, and the ok should probably be in quotation marks... like, I'm "ok", because I could certainly be better.  But I'm a little bit less awful than I have been the last few weeks.

Maybe it's just today, and right now, but I'm going with it. 

I remember talking (messaging, really) with someone a few weeks ago and her saying they were just waiting for a rhythm to get established, and I wonder if maybe that's what has happened a bit?  We've been on.... whatever we're calling it "stay at home" for a couple (few?) weeks now.  I've been getting food deliveries for a couple of weeks now.  There have been (knock on wood) no major shifts or changes and I'm limiting my news/media reading.  I've had two video counselling sessions.  And while things aren't normal... I suppose they have been fairly similar for a couple of weeks now.  And so I'm a little bit more ok. 

Am I where I'd like to be, calm wise?  No.  But I can at least now feel like I can look back on the last few weeks and say "man, that was awful".  Which means I'm not quite as "in" it.... you know?

Anyway.  Just thought I'd take a moment to make a point to myself and whoever else that I'm ok right now.  Not great.  But ok.  Quotations or not.

Lighter

It has not gone unnoticed that the days are at a lovely length.  I have been distracted by the day to day of life, but I have still been taking time, when I'm able, to look at Spring's approach.

The longer days are amazing, and well timed.  And the buds are out and the trees are in blossom and Spring is coming no matter what is going on in the human world.

May the coming of Spring bring calmer times for us all.

Nope, Still Massively Anxious!

A couple of people close to me have been somewhat hopeful that my anxiety will have been lessened by all that's going on.

My dear sweet Mother mentioned that she read somewhere that folks with depression and anxiety actually feel better when there is something "real" to focus on, like a war, and that she hoped that was happening for me.

I stumbled a bit in my response because, no, I don't really want my folks to know how difficult things feel for me... ever, but also because, well, yeah, that would be nice, but no, it's not happening for me.

Then there was Jason who said "but you've had a good day, why aren't you happy?" a few days ago when I had had, what appeared to be a fairly calm/easy day.  And I again, was at a loss for words.  Yes, I know nothing went "wrong" that day but that doesn't mean my system *gets* it and it certainly doesn't mean I felt calm and happy.  Nope.  I wish.

I will for sure be talking with my counsellor folks about this and hopefully things will improve but for the last two or three weeks it's been extremely high stress for me and my anxiety has been as high as I can remember it.  And not just for a day here or there, or a panic attack few hours, but just ongoing.  Ongoing high high anxiety.  It's.... exhausting at best.

For example... food.  I'm fairly constantly afraid (read: anxious) around food.  Will I run out?  Will the supply chain break down?  Then what?  What if I can't get a delivery because everyone needs/wants one now?  What if I have to go into a store?  Am I even hungry?  Am I eating well?  Poorly?  Will there be no fruit?  Do they even have seasonal workers helping on farms anymore? Food is safe right?  Is it?  Was it ever?  And that goes on and on and I work pretty constantly to calm myself as best I can.  To correct those "worst case" thoughts, but even just "less than worst case" thoughts are feeling constant right now.  I get my food order on Day X and I already worry that I won't get an order next week.  Before I've even unpacked.  Oh, and by the way, am I decontaminating properly?  Did I just spread virus all over everything?  I'll wash my hands again, of course, but... I mean, it's probably fine.  It really probably is.  But what if it's not?  And the packaging they use is wasteful.  This is horrible for the environment.  I feel awful and guilty.  I should just go into a store.  Use my own bags.  Suck it up... be tougher... get over the fear.  No, no, I'm *supposed* to get delivery if I can, I'm being *good*, this is what they want us to do.  Oh man, the store must be overwhelmed.  I feel so bad for the drivers and the delivery folks and am I wrong to be ordering online?  I should just go to a store.  I can't.  I can't go to a store.  I'm supposed to act as if I have it and can spread it.  And as if everyone has it and can spread it.  So... no, I'll stay home.  Unless I can't get an order in and then I'll starve?  No, I won't.  I have lots frozen I can eat and canned stuff and no way I'm starving, just... no way, nowhere near.  Ok, but what if?  What if it gets bad, like societal breakdown bad and I'm locked in my apartment because there are riots and, and... bad bad things happening and I have no food.  Because I ate it all, because I wasn't planning for worst case?  What if that?  And so on and so forth.  Fairly constantly.  Just with food.  (Nevermind the "regular" food stuff about health and weight and fitness and... all of that)  Now food is a big one right now for sure, but apply that ongoing fear chatter to... well, everything, and no, my anxiety is not "ok" right now.  It's just not.

And the harder part is I don't really have anyone being terribly helpful because I don't really believe anyone.  Everyone else (with the exception of Jason, honestly) is pretty damn sure this is all going to be ok.  Maybe scary, maybe sad, but ok.  And I don't know if anyone else is as worried and scared and terrified of all the things as I am.  And my parents are getting grocery pickup for now, and everyone else I know is just... shopping.  As far as I know.  And they maybe aren't even thinking about a broken supply chain or a... streets of rioters and being locked inside and HOLY F*CK I would also like to not have those thoughts.  But while it's easier for people to tell me to relax a bit about my other worries, it's not so easy to do it with this.  Because we're all in this.  And we've never done this before, so no one can really give me assurance I'll believe.

If you were telling me my (imaginary) breakup would hurt for a while but be ok, I'd be able to at least half believe you, because you'd gone through it before, and so had I and yeah, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.... but this?  This is new.  TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And so I have not, as yet, found a way to switch down my anxiety.  And I really would like to.  More than I'm able to say.

I Wish

I've not been a fan of April Fool's day.... kind of ever.  I vaguely remember my parents playing some sort of harmless trick on me some morning and I remember sort of always being on guard for it the rest of my life.  I guess I'm not a prank person, or a joke's on you person or... whatever. 

Today, however, I would love for the world situation to be revealed as some kind of joke.  Ok, I would not "love" that as that'd actually be super weird and horrifying but... I think I just wish we could all laugh today and breathe a sigh of relief or something.

I live by myself of course, so there will be no "I'm pregnant, just kidding!" jokes (not really funny?) or cling wrap over the toilet seat (also not funny?) or whatever else a partner or parent or roommate might try.  Assuming they didn't know better.

I might take a gander at some of the usual websites to do fun/funny things, but I also wonder if folks have just been to busy trying to survive to get to it.  You know?

Anyway... happy April.