Monday, 31 March 2014

It's Not A Bad Thing

Jay.  Oh Jay.

I keep going through phases where I miss him.  Physically miss him.  Miss being curled up together, arms and legs and bodies intertwined in a dozy post-sex glow on my bed.

Miss how well we clicked.  Got along.  How easy and happy and fun it was to hang out.  Touch.  Be.

Miss "us" terribly.

And then he goes and blows up my dreamscape.

Sigh.

The latest was an out of the blue text (he'd eaten a Creme egg and thought of me)  (mmmm, Creme eggs) that evolved into him whining about how the people he's met who are polyamorous are "just looking for f*&k buddies" and how he's finding this disheartening.  Part of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and roll my eyes at him and yell "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!" but I try to only do those kinds of things in my head and I try to understand that it must be hard for him to want this thing and not be able to find people who want to share it the same way he does.

But dude.  You can't even have one solid relationship with one person and you want many?  Really?  Are you kidding?  And you're surprised that some people are using it as a way to experience guilt free sex?  Commitment free sex?  Do you have any idea of the irony?  And plus, communism is a GREAT idea on paper.  Hasn't worked so well in practice.  Polyamory?  Um... yeah.

But as I try to say in all things, as long as no one's getting hurt....

Aaaaaanyway, that's the lesser of the two rants Jay handed me recently.

The other was far more mind boggling and really did a good job at eliminating a whole ton of dreamy feelings and memories I was having towards and about Jay.

He texted out of the blue a month or so ago and I hadn't heard from him in months.

He blah blah blahed about how I was doing and how he was doing (he's still in a lot of pain) and then he went on to tell me that when he was away spending time with his family he realized that my "rocky" relationship with mine was TERRIBLY difficult for him and he didn't realize it at the time but that was the major issue for him in our relationship and he's sorry he never mentioned it at the time and that I had to "suffer through" that and he hopes I'm able to find someone who's better able to handle my poor family relationships.

Um.

WTF?

Now look, I know my relationship with my family is not perfect.  Find me someone's who is.

And if you're my close friend or my significant other I will probably complain to you, in confidence, about what annoyed me at Christmas or what so and so said that drove me up the wall and you'll have to see and deal with my stress at whatever family dynamics are happening.  But dude.  My relationship with my family is good.

Decent.  Fine.  Imperfect, but nothing like some of the stories I've heard.

No one's hitting anyone.  We all speak to each other and can all be in the same room.  We all get along.  Annoy each other, sure, but seriously, that's part of human nature.  Do I overreact to things my family says or does?  Absolutely.  Do I get wrapped up in the drama of the minutia of what I think should happen and how I wish they were?  Sure.

But this is no "rocky" relationship, my naive friend.

If I'm the first person you've been with who's had a less than perfect relationship with their family then count yourself incredibly lucky.  May you never meet people who have actual rocky relationships.  May you never hold a friend who's father abused her in ways that will make you throw up.  May you never have to hold back your tears as you hear about the lady who was locked in the chicken coop as a child for 48 hours for some minor infraction.  May you never have a friend who has to deal with an alcoholic parent or a brutal divorce.  My relationship with my family is blessed.  I count myself very lucky.

On top of the anger I felt (and confusion) at his statement all I can ask is why he felt the need to tell me this?

Why contact me and tell me this?

Why did I need to know?

Have I contacted him and told him all the things that were so hard on me back when we were together?  No.

Why did he need to?

What was he thinking?

I don't know.

I just know that although I miss being with Jay and hanging out with Jay and cuddling with Jay very much, I can not put up with Jay's random explosions of self-centeredness and as much as I often think maybe we could be friends and what might that look like, I'd need him to never actually share deep thoughts with me.  Because I get so infuriated when he explains his life and how right he is.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Catching Up

When Is A Tree Not A Tree? by foundimagination
I feel like there are a bundle of thoughts waiting to spill out of my head but then others jump in and want to be heard first, so I feel like I need a little bit of a summarizing, catch up post.

So... point form style...

- Jason's going to be around for a while.  I don't know what that will look like or what the label/relationship may be, but I just feel like he's not going anywhere.  Maybe ever.  Like even if we don't end up in a long term romantic relationship, I feel like he's not going to disappear out of my life.

- I had a very intense couple of weeks, but in a really good way.  Like, creatively I guess you'd say?  Just felt really inspired.  Made some physical changes to my place and feel like things are good.

- But that's also meant I've felt busy.  Haven't taken much down time to just sit and chill and watch shows and although I don't find that particularly uplifting and for years I've been wanting to spend less of my time mindlessly watching tv shows, it's meant that I've drained myself a little physically... staying up too late to get things done and maybe haven't taken the time I've needed to rest and do nothing so I'm feeling a little run down.

- I'm so surprised it's the end of March already.  This month really really feels like it just started.  Oh, and happy Spring!

- Lots to say, hopefully will get it out soon.

Friday, 28 March 2014

Embarrassed

A girlfriend and I went to a shopping center to get her some clothes for a costume themed party she was going to.
While we were waiting in line she nudged me and whispered in my ear.

"Take a look.  Guys shouldn't wear sweat pants in public."

I thought she was making a fashion statement so I glanced over at the fellow.  He was handsome enough and the sweat pants didn't seem that ugly or unattractive to me so I wasn't sure what my friend was talking about until I realized that his pants weren't hanging... uh... straight.

There was a little package noticeable around his crotchal area and I immediately looked away and blushed.  Kind of wanted to die of embarrassment.

"Oh.  Um.  Geez." 

"Yeah," my friend chortled, "I guess he really likes shopping."

And here's what I had to confess to my girlfriend, who's known me probably half my life, easily.

That was the first time I've ever noticed a guy's ... excited to see you thingamy... I swear!

Either I just don't look at guys crotches, or I don't know what I'm looking for, or I just have always missed seeing it or something because seriously.  I just don't know what to say.

I think I maybe totally missed an entire chapter of the How to be a Girl book, because apparently I'm the only girl around who's never seen one before.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Darnit

Ivy by foundimagination
So do you remember I repotted some plants a while ago?

And how I said that typically, when I try to repot plants, they die on me?  But that some of mine were doing poorly enough anyway that I figured I'd just repot them?

Yeah, well, it's been a bit of a struggle for a few of them since.

(Damnit.)

One (maybe two?) of them we managed to put in crooked.  Like, when I look over at them, they're tippy.  I'm pretty sure I'm just going to live with the crookedness and just avoid looking at them so I don't notice.

My spider plant, which is usually impossible to hurt, lost half of its... self? so it's going to half to start regenerating or whatever it is magical spider plants do.

But one of the others is really really struggling.

You know how some houseplants are kind of bundles of plants that make up one big plant?  Like, the spider plant, some of the "legs" of it, or whatever, withered or melted or rotted or something post move so I just pulled them out.  But this bigger green one, the one who was doing REALLY badly pre-move, is still really struggling.

Let's say that it has three leg/root/branches/whatevers.  The first few days they were fine, but then they started to wilt.  I watered more, but then it seemed like that made it worse and I'd overwatered, so I moved it to have more light.

One of the three came back at that point but the other two didn't so I moved it again to a similarly shaded zone like it did ok in before.  Now I'm just waiting to see if the other two legs will perk up or if I have to yank em and just let the happy leg be all forlornly on its own.

I suppose it could be worse and all of them could be dying, but still... I was hoping that between myself and my helper, they would all have been so perfectly repotted they'd be blooming!

Although, not litereally because that would mean we'd somehow turned them into flowering plants and neither of us are THAT good with plants.




Wednesday, 26 March 2014

People Are Awesome

Sometimes the retelling of a moment pales in comparison to the awesomeness of the moment.  The whole "you had to be there" sort of thing, right?

Well, I just (ok, not "just"... it was yesterday, you know what I mean) had the most hilarious moment with a random lady in the London Drugs parking lot!

I think we'd come out of the store at the same time or something and were walking in the same general direction.  She was a bit ahead of me and I noticed her because something fell out of her bag and I was thinking I should pick it up and hand it to her if she didn't notice.

She did notice and also saw me half moving towards her and it was a pretty black and white ribbon of some sort and it rolled away from her and she had to stop and chase it just a little.  I smiled, chuckled and said "that looks like fun!" (Because it did!)

"It's like dog poo-bag confetti," she laughed and we both burst out laughing.  I looked again and realized that it was a roll of dog poop bags that had slipped out of her purse.

So "dog poo-bag confetti" is the best thing a random stranger has ever said to me and it totally made my day.

You maybe had to be there but heh.  Dog poo-bag confetti.

Heh.




Tuesday, 25 March 2014

The Ordinary

Walk This Way by foundimagination
I'm struggling with being judgemental as I write this because I know I've done the same thing myself and, well sometimes it's just easier to see things when you're looking at someone else, and then it stings a little bit when you realize your thoughts are clearer when you're observing them rather than yourself.

I also know that people only tell part of their stories (something I occasionally feel I have to remind people here) and there's always more to the picture than what's presented but, yeah... preamble done.

Turns out one of the girls at work has been dating a guy she met for a while.  I didn't know about this but was super happy for her so I asked about him, how they'd met, his name, all the rest.

She told me he was this great "Viking" of a man and such a good guy and, in fact, was moving in next month.

I thought this was great, but maybe fast (Jay moved in days after we met... I know, I know... kettle...pot, and all) and so I asked how long they'd been together and she said four months.

I tried to hide my surprise but maybe I didn't, or maybe she's used to people commenting because she said she knew it was fast, but that this guy hadn't shown her any reasons not to have him move in.

I said it was great and when you know you know and all those sorts of supportive things because again, what do I know about someone else's life and choices, right, and asked what she meant.

My friend went on to explain that he's a really good guy.  And that, for example, he takes the trash out without her asking.  Or notices when the jar of dog biscuits is running low and goes and buys more.

And, absolutely, I agree, these are great traits in a boyfriend.  Or roommate.  Or human being in general.  It just struck me as odd, and maybe sad that these were examples of such unusual behaviour that this guy stood out to her as an amazing guy.

Did I do the same?  Rave and exclaim when Jay turned on the dishwasher himself or the one time he did laundry for the two of us?  Absolutely.

Part of it was that I was genuinely happy he'd taken on some of the house jobs, but also part of me wanted to reinforce that behaviour in order to possibly have it happen again.

Did it make me think Jay was this great, special guy?  I'm sorry to say at the time it did.

But I also think Jay could have shown me how he knew how to tie his own shoelaces and I would have thrown him a parade.

So maybe my shock and concern and frustration towards things with my co-worker stem partly from the fact that I think being a decent human being who is thoughtful of others isn't as prevalent in today's world as it should be.  It shouldn't BE an exception when a guy (or gal) is decent, kind, and thoughtful.  It should be an exception when they're just kind of blah.  But part of it also comes from me projecting my own stuff around what happened with Jay and how I saw him with gigantically rose coloured glasses (with added side blinders) on and I guess I hope she's not doing the same.

But, as I say, I know nothing about this guy, their relationship, or much about her, really.  So I should just smile and nod and say "congratulations, that's great."

Because it is.  Finding someone, falling in love with them, and moving in is great.

I know I loved it a lot.

Monday, 24 March 2014

But... You Promised!

Did anyone else ever make one of those "marriage pacts" with a friend?

You know, like, if we're both still single when we're (insert age that seems unimaginably far away) old, let's just marry each other, ok?

I feel like I've already written about it here, but I totally had a marriage pact with a friend from first year.

I never had a crush on him although all the other girls seemed to.  He was just a good guy and nice and friendly and we remained friends for a number of years.

We drifted apart a bit as you do as lives go on but we stayed in touch with cards and whatnot and you guys can probably figure out where this story is going, but my marriage safety net went and got himself married.

Which, yay, happy for you, but waaaaaaah, what about me?

It was just that feeling of "oh geez, that wasn't supposed to happen" that I pout at every time someone in a movie or book or tv show mentions "oh, my best guy friend and I are going to marry each other if we're still single by the time we're X years old."

Uh huh.  Yeah.  Sure you are.

Until one of you goes off and finds the spouse of their dreams, damnit!

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Yes, I Can Hear You Now


But It Was Already Gone by foundimagination
I got a series of interesting emails last month that I initially thought were Spam.  And am still somewhat confused by. 

Early in the month I got an email from Verizon regarding my cell phone.

Which would be fine if a) Verizon was a Canadian company and/or b) I had a cell phone with them.

I shrugged it off as spam email, just like I do if I get one from Facebook or Linked in or some other company I don't have an account with. 

But then I got another one the next week telling "me" I'd used a great deal of this month's data allowance already.

Also, my email system wasn't pushing the emails into spam so it made me wonder if it was a bit more legitimate but still somewhat fishy.

When I got another email a few days later saying that I was now at 80% of the data capacity for the month (in just a few days) I started to wonder if someone was scamming Verizon, and using my email in their account to do so... or something... I don't know, I was playing "what if" Detective.

So I went to the legit Verizon (my goodness, the more you type that word, the weirder it starts to sound) site and found a "contact us" email and forwarded the email on to them and said they had the wrong address for one of their customers.

Got another email a day later saying that "I" was now over the data limit... or whatever.

So I went back to the Verizon site, found the "privacy office" info and forwarded the email on to them. 

They got back to me a couple of days later, apologized for any inconvenience, told me they were taking my email out of their system and that sometimes customers typed in the wrong address.

I'm happy they dealt with it and am not mad at them at all, I just kind of wonder if someone was scamming them, or if it was a legitimate mistake at the end of it all.

I know where my suspicions lie but I'm probably just biased, what with being a spy and all.


Friday, 21 March 2014

'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy*

Following up on the lunchtime conversation we had in our staffroom secret bat cave room the other day, one of the girls mentioned that for her entire life she thought the phrase/saying was "vein of my existence" rather than "bane." 

The way she told the story was hilarious, she explained how all her life she'd been making this dramatic statement about how this situation or that person or what was going on was just the vein of her existence... accompanied with a dramatic sigh. 

Until just earlier this year when one of her friends finally said "are you saying vein or bane?" and after a short, confusing argument she realized she'd never had it right.  But that now things are the bane of her existence.

We all had a good laugh about this and then someone else piped up.  "I always thought it was for all intensive purposes... rather than for all intents and purposes" and we had a giggle at that too.  Partly because it's fun when people don't mind showing their weaknesses or sillinesses, but also because we've probably all done something similar at some point.

So, what about you?  Any not quite so right sayings you thought you had pretty down pat?




*Misheard lyrics are lots of fun too!

Thursday, 20 March 2014

On The Missing

On The Turning Away by foundimagination
I really like the NBC show Parenthood.

It's a show that's based around a family and man, they may have "struggles" with each other, but damn they're a perfect family.

Or, I suppose what I realized last show was that they're "perfect."  As in, not real.

See, I was watching one particular episode and all the (adult) siblings came over to their sister's place to support her through a difficult time and had this awesome evening of wine and fun and dancing to the radio and I was just so jealous.

Like, why can't my family be like that?  All super amazing best friends?

And while I was pouting about that I sort of realized that this show is just like most, if not all of the rest of what shows up in Hollywood, in movies and on tv. 

Not reality.

Maybe there are some families who have lives like the Bravermans do, but maybe it's just a make believe show about a really awesome family that is as unrealistic as a Prince coming to find me after I leave my shoe at a ball.

I don't know.  Sure, I wish my family was like the Bravermans, but in the same breath, they're all actors in a scripted show and I guess I should be admiring the writing, acting, directing, and whatever other stagecraft has made me believe that they're real.

Anyway.  Babble, babble, babble.  How's your week going?

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I Was Relieved

I was out for a walk with a friend the other day and we were catching up on our dating lives.

He'd broken up with his boyfriend a few months ago so I was happy to hear him say he'd been out on a date.

He told me that he and the fellow had met online and had been texting back and forth for almost a week before they met and when they met the guy was attractive (and my friend is too) and they had great conversation with no awkwardness and got along super well.

Apparently the guy walked him home, gave him a hug and said he'd had a great time and would like to do it again.

And then my friend never heard from him again.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, the exact same thing happened to me.  And I told my friend that.  I told him I totally understood how much it sucks to have met someone, gotten along great and then they just go silent.  No nothing.

Because you wonder.   You wonder what you did wrong?

And the cool thing is that I was able to tell my friend that it has nothing to do with him.  Because I'd been through it myself with my own date.

So I felt bad for him that it happened, but I was also totally relieved.  Because my friend is hot.  (And he's fun and easy to talk to.)

But if a hot guy can have this happen to them?

Then maybe I'm not so bad after all.  Maybe some people just ... for whatever reason, don't want to hang out with awesome people a second time.


Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Self Talk


Brightly by foundimagination
I had a rough week a couple of weeks ago with regards to Jason.  My mind just kept spinning and spinning (something I'm going to try to work on...stopping those pointless spins) and I hadn't heard from him as much as usual (spinning, spinning) and I was totally, by the weekend, freaking out.

I called a friend who told me that even just the way I was speaking was stressing her out and she could tell I was freaking out... aka a little crazy.

I suppose I knew it, I'd called her to "talk me off the ledge" after all, but somehow when I'm feeling that way all I want to do is solve the problem or issue or worry that's causing the spinning because that seems like the most logical thing to do.  Fix the issue rather than stop the thoughts.

Anyway, once I'd calmed down and stilled my thoughts somewhat  (Writing helps, mindfulness helps, talking to a trusted friend helps, exercise helps, sleep helps, time helps, talking to the source of the freaking out helps.) Jason and I talked it over and I explained that I don't do well when someone sort of disappears without letting me know they're going to disappear.  I mean, I understand that sometimes you just need some time to yourself, I just need to know that and then I'll freak out less.  Or maybe even not at all.

So we had this conversation and Jason apologized and said he'd let me know next time something came up (turns out a friend had died and he'd gone out to be with friends and take time off from the world to mourn) and that he understood where I was coming from.

I felt a lot better after we'd talked, but I also felt... silly, to put it politely.  I felt like I'd over-reacted and un-necessarily... maybe?  And as I was talking this over in my head I thought to myself "man, I'm needy and insecure, why would anyone want to be with me?"

And then I paused.

Wait a second.  Why is it SO damn easy for me to say these kinds of things to myself about myself and yet I'm not willing or don't find it as easy to say "man, I'm kind and caring and have a huge heart"?

Why can't those things be going through my head?  Maybe not instead.  Maybe it's unrealistic to think I can just give up the negative (and possibly true) thoughts, but why can't I start forcing the other positive (and probably true) thoughts in there too?  Why do they seem fake but the unkind ones seem so real?

And, more importantly.  What am I going to do about this?

More than daily affirmations.

How am I going to actually change this? Because it's totally unfair to keep doing this.  It's completely unfair to only think about myself in the negative.  I may have some less than awesome traits, but dude... I have some awesome ones too.  Time to start pointing that out to myself and, maybe eventually... maybe soon?  Believing it.

Monday, 17 March 2014

Significant

So I hate throwing up.

Hate feeling like throwing up too, but well, ok, let's just say I hate everything to do with nausea and throwing up.

A LOT.

When I feel like I'm going to be sick I don't want to be around people.  Which means if I'm at work, as has happened on occasion with a bad lunch or something, I'll suddenly get very quiet and pull my hair up out of the way so I can feel cooler (it helps me feel less nauseated, go figure) and if things don't settle immediately, I'll go take a Gravol (anti-nauseant.)

When I'm at home, it's usually not a problem, but I do remember getting sick when Jay was staying with me and literally kicking him out of the house.  I'd woken up one morning feeling sick and I knew I was going to throw up and I couldn't handle the idea of him being there or being around when it happened.  So I threw him out.  Told him he had to get out, I didn't care if he went for a walk or what but I was going to be sick and he had to get out.

Which is why what happened this weekend was so... big.

Jason and I have been hanging out here and there and this weekend we decided to have a nice night in at my place.

I don't know what I picked up, but mid way through the evening, I knew I was going to be sick.   It hit me pretty hard and Jason was cooking, and the smell just made it all the more intense and so I excused myself and went to my room to try to breathe through it.

(In retrospect, I should have just taken a Gravol and hoped for the best, but I didn't want to get groggy, but anyway.)

But here's what was weird.  At least for me.  I didn't want Jason to leave.

Like, I didn't want to kick him out.  I didn't want him to have to see me throwing up or anything but I also didn't want him to go home. 

He figured out something was wrong when I didn't come back after a while and he came in to check on me.  I wasn't exactly polite and told him to "PLEASE GET OUT!" and he asked if I wanted him to go home.  I said no, just... out of the room.

He went back to cooking, which I felt badly about that he was making this lovely meal and there was no way I was going to be able to eat it.

And I had a big struggle with myself, mentally, because I have a really hard time asking for help.  Like, a really hard time with it.  But I'm trying to not always stick with the things that don't serve me, and Jason, because I don't quite have a lot invested in him being "perfect" or thinking certain things about me, I don't know, but I kind of had this feeling of... maybe I could just ask him for help.  Like I felt like he wouldn't judge me or think it was annoying.  So I called for him.

"Jason?"

He came back into my dark, quiet room where I was wrapped up in my blankets, shivering.  "Can you bring me a bucket?"

And he did.

Which, I know it's what friends do, it's what boyfriends do (if he was one... which he isn't... not...anyway) it's what people do, but it's not something I ask for.  For someone to take care of me, or help me when I'm weak.

He finished cooking dinner, wrapped mine up and ate his (at my insistence) and then came in to see me.

I really didn't want him in the room, but he came and lay down next to me.  I felt like panicking, and told him so, told him that I was going to be sick and he'd hate it and think I was disgusting and gross and that it was freaking me out that he was there.

He told me that he wouldn't hate it, it wouldn't make him think I was disgusting or gross or anything at all.  That it was ok, and shit happens and it wouldn't be the first friend he'd helped through feeling sick.

And, well, long story semi short... for the first time since I was probably a small child, I threw up in front of someone.  It happened.

And it was ok.

He didn't leave when it happened.  He didn't get grossed out himself.  He asked me if I was ok, got me Ginger Ale, gave me a hug and held me when I felt better.

I know it's only throwing up.  But for me, it was huge.

It was huge to let myself be weak and gross and at my worst in front of someone, and I'm glad it happened. 

I let someone see me at my worst and the world didn't fall apart.

I asked someone to help me when I was at my worst and they did.  And they didn't seem to mind.

Maybe I need to let down my guard more frequently.

Maybe that's part of what having Jason in my life is going to help me do.

I don't know, I just know it was a pretty significant thing that happened for me, and maybe for us, and even if I'm the only one that knows how significant it all was, that's ok.


Saturday, 15 March 2014

Tired And Not Hungry

Bound by foundimagination
With it somehow being mid-way through a month that just started (how crazy is that?) I'm still struggling with the time change.

I was already starting to enjoy the light being around later, absolutely but now it just throws me off.  Like, I look outside and see that it's light and then it's 7pm and I'm confused.

And I'm managing to drag myself out of bed the hour or so earlier but my body doesn't want to eat that early so breakfast is a bit of a struggle. 

Like I'm physically uncomfortable and confused by this.

And I don't know anyone who isn't or hasn't been thrown by it, so it begs the question I think I've asked since I started this blog and started repeating my annual gripe about the time change(s).  Why?

Friday, 14 March 2014

Seriously!

I have a blueberry smoothie almost every morning.

And all I want to know is why blueberry bits are so proud of sticking to my teeth?  Like, I have to swish water around, AND brush my teeth AND chew gum and I still find them hiding in there.

Why?

No, seriously, why?

It's not just me, right?




(Ok, no, I should be fair.  It's not blueberries.  It's bluberry skin chunks...)

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Completely Unscientific Poll

New by foundimagination
C-Dawg had an incident last month where she lost the stone out of her ring.

Just a little stone, but she was really upset.

And then super happy again when she found it stuck in the fur of her teddy bear at home a few days later!  (See, I'm not the only one who has a teddy on their bed.)

I asked her if she'd been wearing her ring when she made the bed or something and she said that it must have happened at night because she wears her ring(s) all the time.

Which... wha?

I take my rings off at night and thought that everyone did, but apparently I'm wrong.  So... totally unscientific poll here... if you wear rings or a ring, do you sleep with it on or take it off for bed?

Now I'm wishing I'd asked her if she showers with the thing on too.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Do Do Do Do Do Do DO Do Do Do Do Do*

We know I sleep with a teddy bear right?

Or do we?

Well, anyway, I sleep with a teddy bear.

He's always at the side of my bed (and has been for ever) and some nights I grab him as I'm falling asleep and some nights I wake up and have grabbed him at some point I don't remember.

Anyway... on the mornings that I'm hitting the snooze button and having to get up, I'll roll from side to side (hit snooze, roll over, get comfy, sleep again, rinse, repeat) and as I do that, I tuck Teddy's head from side to side so I can snuggle him under my chin.

I was in a pretty good mood last night and that carried over 'til this morning and maybe that explains why this morning, when I was rolling over and tucking Teddy's head for a snuggle, my brain somehow went "Heh... Teddy has to secretly get out of the way of my chin so I can snuggle him, he's like a ninja spy teddy. Heh."

And then my brain went ahead and sung "Secret Agent Teddy!" a la this song.

Now it's kind of stuck in my head!



*That's the song, by the way.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Purple

Caught by foundimagination
I drove C-Dawg and co to the airport this weekend.  A bit of a longer drive than I do most days to and from work.  And perhaps it was the longer drive but I found myself thinking just how odd it is to drive.

I mean, you're sitting there, quite comfortably if you're lucky, and you're not seemingly doing much (I remember as I child I thought driving was just about jiggling the steering wheel back and forth a little) and yet you can't just zone out.

You're actually doing a lot.

You're maneuvering this massive machine made up of who even knows what at fast speeds with but not too close to other people doing the same thing.

It's really weird.

Driving is weird.

Push this thing and you go faster.  Push that one and you stop.  Flick that thing down and a light goes blink.  Move the wheel a certain way and you move the entire contraption.

It's really quite an odd thing.

And we just do it all the time, hardly thinking about it.

Just sitting there.

Taking in and processing massive amounts of information.

It's so strange when you start to think about it.

Kind of like when you say a word too many times and it no longer makes sense.

Monday, 10 March 2014

Noooooooooooo! (I Mean, Yes, But Nooooooooo!)

Curse you time change!

CURSE YOU!!!

Why do you do this to me?

I just wanna be normal!  And not confused about what time it is and why I'm hungry / not hungry sleepy / not sleepy!

Saturday, 8 March 2014

I Screwed Up

Heading Home by foundimagination
So I have this liquid soap that I think is pretty awesome.  It's Dr Bronner's peppermint and it's fun because it's a little tingly.  Sometimes if you get it on a paper cut or something it's stingy but in general it's just nice and minty fresh feeling.

I use it on my face every once in a while but am always really careful to keep it well away from my eyes. 

Except for some reason that didn't happen the other day.

I was in the shower, and I was thinking about how I'd taken off my eye makeup already and the soap was in my hand and I felt myself put the soapy finger into my eye.  And then it burned.

Burned and burned and burned and I knew I'd done bad.

It was so bad I couldn't quite manage to get the water on it to start washing it out at first and I was trying to figure out how I was going to cope with all this and how bad was the damage and that's when I realized panicking wasn't going to help so I said, out loud to myself, hand over my eye, eye tightly squeezed shut, nose running with the burning "I screwed up."

I think it was sort of an acknowledgement to myself that I hadn't meant to do it and that I knew it wasn't a good thing.

And then I was able to start washing my eye.

After a good few minutes I was able to open the other eye and look at the soap container.  Do not get in eyes.  Yeah.  I figured.

If you do, wash eye for fifteen minutes.

Oh geez.  That bad?

So I sat in the bottom of my shower and did the best I could to get through the burning and "wash" my eye.  But it hurt.  Getting water in it seemed to just irritate it more so I'd have to sort of direct the water over it and then slightly in and then over again and my nose just kept running and I was feeling very sorry for myself but relieved that it was starting to get a little better.

Eventually it felt ok enough for me to consider opening it and I was happy I could see.  I washed it for another few minutes and when I figured I was at at least ten minutes of washing and things felt ok I turned off the shower and dried myself off.

My eye was super red, but it wasn't hurting too much to use.

My eye did an amazing job of getting rid of the red and the owie and, I'd guess, the soap but man, that was not a fun time.

Peppermint liquid soap should not go into your eye socket.

At all.

Not for any reason.

Hurts real bad like.

I really thought I was going to end up having to go see someone.  I'm really glad I didn't have to.

Friday, 7 March 2014

Dude!

Hold your horses!  Stop the presses!  Stop holding your horse presses!

It's rare that I rave about anything here, but dude.  Rave!

A few months back (two haircuts ago?) my hairdresser used a brush on my wet hair.

Now most of us with long hair (mainly the ladies, amirite?) have been told to NEVER use a brush on wet hair.  Something to do with breakage or something, so I've always used a wide tooth (ie, giant) comb to get out my tangles.

So when my hairdresser used a brush I was kinda confused.

And I told her so.

Not terribly coherently, because she'd just finished giving me a head and scalp massage so I was kind of drooly, but yeah, I asked.

She said that this new thing had come out, conveniently called a "wet brush" and that it was amazing.

I just kind of smiled and nodded, but then I started reading about it online, this site or that, or in a magazine or two and I thought, hmmm, maybe it's a thing.

So I looked in the stores, but no one seemed to have a wet brush.  Amazon did, so I put in in my order thingamy and waited until I had enough other things to buy to get free shipping.  (Doesn't everyone do that?  Just me?)

Aaaaaanyway, it arrived yesterday and I washed my hair last night and all the things everyone said that I thought were exaggerations?  Are true.

Seriously!

I used it IN the shower!  And again on my towel dried hair and it was awesome.  Even better than a comb!  It was crazy good.  So good that I have to tell you about it!

Which, like...yeah.  So maybe try a wet brush if you deal with tangles and stuff.

So awesome.

Weird, and I have no idea how it works, but it so does.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Sorry If I Explode Your Brain Too

The Lion by foundimagination
I (fairly?) regularly say something to myself in one of my many mind-conversations that will then mess with my brain.

Like, the time I was enjoying calling quinoa "kwin oh uh" and then accidentally asked for kwinohuh in the store and got stared at.

Sigh.

Well this time I have no idea why, but I started wondering if the saying was to "tow the line" as I've always sort of thought it was, or if somehow maybe it was to "toe the line" and then how they had potentially different meanings.

But then my brain just went on and on about the difference and/or similarities between towing and toeing the line and then it turned mushy.

So I asked people at lunch yesterday.  Figured they'd all agree that the saying is to "tow" the line, but one gal said she'd always known it as "toe" the line and so cell phones were pulled out and the interweb was checked and I guess my brain isn't entirely weird.

But then that caused a lot of confusion at the table and I felt bad so I left and ate some unhealthy food.

The end.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Booooo

Words with Friends (a phone app game similar to Scrabble) just sent out an email with people's stats for the year.

And can I just say I enjoyed playing a lot more before I found out just how much I lose?

You guys, I lose a lot.

Like, lot.

I mean, I knew that, I just didn't need to see it in black and white.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pout for a while.

(But at least my biggest word was bigger than my Dad's biggest word!)

(Yes, he sent me his stats email.)

(He beats me lots.)

(Like.  A lot.)

(But I don't mind.  He's super smart.)

(And only rubs it in 89% of the time.)

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Stuck

Like Moths by foundimagination
I'm feeling pretty stagnant right now.

Stagnated.

Sluggish.  Static. 

Flat?

Creatively.  Motivationally.  Life..ly.

I dunno.

I just don't want this feeling, or this zone, or this period or episode to last too long.

It feels un-awesome. 

And it also feels a little frighteningly self-fulfilling.

Like, I feel blah, so I may as well not try to eat as well, so I'll just eat junky, and that doesn't help with me feeling any better about myself, and my drawings and photos aren't great right now so that makes me feel even more blah and C-Dawg is going away for a week's holiday to Hawaii and I wish I was going too.  Or was going somewhere.

Or something.

I'm just feeling kind of like I don't know.

A little heavy and draggy.

Stuck.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Somewhat Self-Destructive

Sometimes, I get in these moods where I just want to do something even though I know it's not in my best interest.

Sometimes, it's eating sweet junk food just because I want to even though I know it's not going to do anything good for me physically.

But this weekend, it wasn't so much food related.

I went onto the Victoria Adoptables website.

Sigh.

I knew it would just make me feel bad that I couldn't get a dog, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

And now I feel sad and lonely and I knew it would but I did it anyway.

May as well just bash my head against the wall next time.

Sigh.

Y'all, make it stop.  I can't help myself!

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Click

I Saw One Ship Come Sailing In by foundimagination
Jason and I chat a fair bit about photography and cameras and taking photographs and stuff.

Now, Jason's a professional, which means he makes his living taking photographs (and all the associated work that goes with that) but he's also been taking photos for a long time, so he's not just good at it, but he also really knows what he's talking about.

Because I mean, let's be honest.  Almost everyone has a camera these days.  Even if all they have is a phone with a camera built in, everyone can and does take pictures.

I do too.

I've been taking pictures for as long as I remember, it's just something I've always done.  But it doesn't mean I know what I'm doing in a technical way.

Honestly, I just point the camera and click the button.  I don't play around with any of the dials or settings or anything, I just point it at something I think looks nice and I go click.

And it comes out fine more often than not.  And sometimes I really like what comes out and, well, yeah.  Sometimes other people do too.

I've taken a photography course and I've read some articles here or there but I've never really tried to figure out a) why it all works or b) how I could be getting better in more technical ways.

Because, yes, I've seen my photography improve over the years.  Doing the 365 projects has helped with that and yes I sometimes look back at photos I took when I first started this blog and cringe.  But really, part of it is just practicing and shooting more and refining my composition, and part of that is getting a slightly better camera.  And then a slightly better lens.  And then again, getting the next model up a few years later.

Sigh.

I guess I'm just saying that the improvements I've made have been almost accidental, rather than methodical and purposeful.

Which I suppose is where Jason comes in.

Long story short, he talked me into starting to try to shoot in a more thoughtful way.  To stop just pointing and clicking and letting the camera decide and to starting to try to make some decisions myself.  Namely, to control the aperture. (Size of the hole the light comes through.)

My head exploded a lot when I started re-reading the information and tried to figure out what it all meant and how it all actually, for real worked.  But I do want to try to get better, technically, so I figured I'd give it a shot and so I took my camera out of fully automatic mode and stuck it into "you pick the aperture" mode.

And then my head exploded again.

And again.

And again.

But after about a week or so?  Things started making a little bit more sense.  Yes, the photos looked different, more crisp or sharp, maybe richer colours and tones, but it was more about me figuring out how to change something in the way the photo looked on purpose.

It's different, sure, and less fun to go out and have to think, but who said learning was ever fun?  Not me, that's for sure.

I don't enjoy the process of learning. 

Which doesn't explain why I went and bought and entirely new camera and lens.

I think that can be explained by the fact that my brain exploded one too many times and I figured if it was going to suck to take photos for a while?  It may as well suck completely.

Or something.


Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.