Monday, 31 October 2011

Treat Please!

Well, Happy Halloween all!

And while saying this makes me feel like an old fogey, I really hope it doesn't rain tonight so the kids can all go trick or treating and not get drippy wet.

I think one of my favourite parts of Halloween is thinking of all the adults who have gone out and bought goodies and candies and treats to give out to kids. Like, just because.

When you think about it, it's really really nice.

People are nice.

And candy's not too bad either!

Happy Boo Day, y'all. Have a mini-chocolate bar for me would ya?

Saturday, 29 October 2011

So Close

Beyond Beyond Beyond by foundimagination
Sometimes, especially lately, I've felt like I'm right on the edge of understanding something.

Something about myself and what it is I should be, need to be doing.

I know that there's something missing and I'm closer to clearly understanding what it is and what I can do about it.

I also know that the more time spent on my computer, clicking links or watching shows, the more I'm kept from that something.

And I believe that if I could get to that place, and that understanding, that my life would be that much richer. So much richer.

Lately I've been feeling so close to that feeling.

And yet so far.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Well, That Was (not) Fun

I know no one loves their yearly physical, and I'm no different.

I mean, I don't avoid it, or anything, but I don't look forward to it either.

So I decided that since I was going to be poked and prodded anyway, I might as well add a flu shot to the process.

And then my doctor ordered some blood work.

So my poor arm got double the ouchies. I felt rather sorry for myself.

In the good news column, however, the results came back from a heart test thing that I don't think I told you about. Turns out I don't have the same (genetically caused) heart issue my Dad had, so that was a relief and one I'm grateful for.

And now I don't have to have another physical, flu shot or physical for another year. So, really, it's all good.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

A Little Something

Mid Smiles by foundimagination
I got a nice message (I just want to call them emails, but I guess technically they're not) from a guy on the online dating site.

He's in a similar profession, seems active and fit and I was happy to get his message.

And then I read that he lived in the middle of the province.

Like, a few days drive away. (Or should that be day's? Days'? I've out confused myself. Days. Dayses. Days. Woah. Now it's starting to sound weird.)

So I guess I'm not sure why he messaged, unless it was just to say hi to a fellow spy (we tend to be good people.) But I'm happy to chat with him a bit, it gives me something to look forward to and is a nice pick me up.

Sometimes a reminder that there's still good, good looking single guys out there is very welcome.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Me So Smart

Do you ever find yourself doing something that's so dumb you can't believe you're doing it, even at the time?

Yeah.

Remember last year when I was in that wedding for one of my best friends?

Well, we've both been doing our best to adjust to her new name. She's no longer Firstname Smith, she's now Firstname Jones and it probably took me a good six months to remember that.

Which only slightly helps to explain what I did yesterday.

I ran into someone, who in trying to remember my name said "Aren't you Firstname Smith?"

And I smiled and corrected them. "No, I'm Firstname Jones."

"NO! Wait, I'm not, she's my friend,she was Firstname Smith, my friend, but now she's Jones. Firstname Jones."

"Oh, and I'm Victoria." Ahem.

Because really, how do you recover from that?

How do you recover from correcting someone on your new name, only to then correct yourself because you actually weren't talking about your name at all.

Oh dear.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Un-needed Space

Vivid by foundimagination
My parents had to go to Vancouver, one of the first trips they've taken in a long while by themselves, Dad being able to drive again, and I've had the house to myself.

At first, when I heard they were going, I was super excited to have time to myself again, and to have the house quiet.

Turns out living in a house all by yourself is even lonelier than living in an apartment all by yourself.

In an apartment, you at least have the noises of your neighbours. And when I'm here and go to bed, I can faintly hear my parents watching tv or moving around.

It's been a big, empty house without them. Which I didn't expect. I expected to be dancing in my underwear a la Risky Business. Instead, I just kind of miss my roomies.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Meanwhile

I woke up rather disoriented yesterday.

Went to bed fairly early (easier to do at my parents' place, where I don't sit with my computer for quite as many hours in the evening) and had a good, solid sleep.

I'd turned my alarm off and figured I'd wake up when I was ready.

Some noise woke me half up, most likely the newspaper, I hear it most mornings, but my brain was pretty sure it was someone driving on the gravel driveway.

The long gravel driveway of our childhood home; a home we've been out of for, what, twenty years now?

I went back to sleep, but this must have stuck in my brain because when I started to hear Mom and Dad downstairs, I wasn't sure where I was sleeping.

Not our old house, but maybe a couple of houses after that?

Not quite my bedroom, the light was wrong, the noises not familiar enough.

Took me a while to come orient to being in the spare bedroom of Mom and Dad's current place.

And then I wasn't sure what day it was. Was it a work day and I needed to get up? Or had I already overslept and was late for work? Or was it maybe a weekend, no, couldn't be, could it?

Hmmmm...yeah, a weekend, whew!

When I figured that out, I rolled over to check the clock and promptly told myself to go back to sleep.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Blog Break

Arbutus Up Close by foundimagination
Blog Break, Blog Break, I hereby call a Blog Break!

I have nothing I can think of to say and I'm a little overwhelmed by spy work at the moment and I figure instead of sitting and stressing over not having a post ready, I'd just give myself a couple of days off.

So I am.

I'll probably be back at it Monday, but you never know, could be Tuesday, could be sooner.

Meanwhile, I'm going to read my book, watch some tv, play some apps and eat some chocolate.

Talk soon!

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Right Now*

Tricks by foundimagination
Right now is exactly why I don't let myself write about work.

Because right now if I told you about all the crazy stuff that was going on at work your brains would explode just as much as mine are and that would just be ugly.

But if I did write about work I would tell you how you could NOT BELIEVE (redacted) and that (redacted) was so (redacted).

And then I'd clean up your brain explosion and let you take me out for a drink.

Wait... you wouldn't be able to because your brain would have exploded. Darn.

Oh well. Only three more days til the weekend right?



*Nuts. Now I'm stuck with this in my head. My bad.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Settling

I'm finally feeling settled at Mom and Dad's. Like I'm used to the place and being here and used to the fact that I can't "go home."

I do still miss having extended periods of time to myself but I'm happy to be feeling more normal being here. It was hard there for a while, I'm not someone who enjoys change. At all.

I think being out of my zone adds a layer of anxious to everything. Not quite stress, not quite worry, not quite anxiety, just a layer of .... un-good.

That's not quite making sense... let me try to explain.

I had to have a rental car for a few days last week (someone did a small hit and run on my car probably in a parking lot and I must say I'm super impressed with the job the repair folks did) and it was weird on top of weird to be driving a different car. I don't think I'd have been as bothered by it were I back in my old place. Everything's just a little less ok.

Know what I mean?

So I'm happy to be getting used to being here. And I'm happy to be getting closer (hopefully) to being back home.

Although, I am making sure to enjoy my parents' company, which is very easy to do and as some of you pointed out, I know that one day I will wish with all my heart to be able to spend just one day with them and I'm thankful I get this time to spend with them as an adult. It's kind of a rare treat in a lot of ways.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Weekend Update

My Absolute Favourite by foundimagination
This was a beautiful sunny weekend. Absolutely gorgeous. And while it had that bite of Fall chill to it, it was lovely to be out and about wandering the neighbourhood in it.

C-Dawg and I went to our favourite pizza place and got to sit and watch the hunky cooks making our food. I don't think I can quite explain what a delight this is, but it makes a delicious meal just that much better.

And yes, that's a photo of what I pretty much always get when I'm there. It's so so so so good.

So.

All in all, a gorgeous, relaxing, good weekend.

Which I'm grateful for.

Hope yours was good as well.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

What's That Sonny?

My Dad asked me about the mileage on my now two year old (awesome, I'm still so in love with it) car.

Apparently the number I said was much lower than he'd expected.

"Do you not actually drive it?" he asked.

Turns out I have the same mileage as a "little old lady" would have.

Which I think is kind of awesome.

Now you kids get off my lawn!

Friday, 14 October 2011

Touch


This post has been sitting unwritten for months and months now. Today's as good a day as any to write it, I suppose.

One of the things I miss in my life as it is right now is touch.

And, right now, I'm not talking about sexual or sensual touch, that's a whole other post.

I'm what you might call a "touchy feely" person.

I love to hug and be hugged. I love to cuddle and lean against and make gentle physical contact with another person.

Now I don't get to do this in my job. Spies are only physical when they're doing super cool ninja moves on people, so my work, which makes up most of my day's activity, does not involve touch.

Sure, I have great friends at work who will occasionally give a hug, but that's minimal.

And outside of work, I live alone (yes, right now I'm living with my folks and yes, they've been subject to random cuddle attacks and hugs) and so it's not as if I go home and hug my husband or child or roommate.

I have some close friends who are huggy and a couple of friends who are as cuddly as I am, but I don't see them as much as I'd like and I know not everyone wants a hug every time you see them damnit!

But I miss being touched. I miss touch. Contact.

I remember being at a yoga class a couple of years ago (ahh, pre-accident yoga....sigh) and the woman leading the class came round at the end and just gently laid her hands on my feet and said some kind words to me. It struck me then, I couldn't remember the last time someone had touched me.

I used to volunteer at a place where they encouraged us to hug the people who came through the doors (always asking first of course) because "this might be the only time they get touched by another human being all week."

And we can't thrive without touch you know.

We don't do well without it.

It can be deathly important to an infant, but I'm not sure it's something even adults should live without.

I've found a small way to compensate. I have regular massages.

So every few weeks, I'm getting that physical contact.

But I still miss the loving touch I'd have in a relationship or that I have with some of my friends.

Bird and I may not have had a romantic relationship, but I know we both enjoyed having someone to hold and lie with and snuggle up against while watching a movie.

I miss that.

I miss touch.

It means a lot to me.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Guilty Conscience

I don't know how to start this post.

I've typed out a starting line a couple of times here and then backspace backspace backspace deleted it all because it didn't feel right.

I want to talk about something to do with online dating, but I feel like I'm admitting something I'm not very proud of.

See, I've been involved with this online dating site for a couple of years now.

For the first year I was nervous about the whole thing and so I just kind of lurked.

I lurked and I looked and I freaked out when someone sent me a message and I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Then I decided to at least try to work through my fears and spent a few months getting used to actually using the site.

I wanted to be kind with people and so if someone I didn't find attractive or who didn't seem like someone who gibed with me messaged me, I'd send them a short message back. Something saying "Thanks for saying hi, I'm not interested, but good luck." (More carefully worded, but that was the general idea.)

Most times I got a thank you back, but occasionally the guy would then try to strike up a conversation and I'd be in the awkward position of having to then ignore him, which always made me feel bad.

I found, during this time, that I would get really upset and hurt when a guy wouldn't message me back. How hard is it so say "thanks but no thanks"? I thought. Can't he even respond politely to my message?

After a while, I realized that this was kind of just how it worked.

If someone wasn't interested in me, they just weren't going to respond to my message.

Was I hurt by that? Of course.

But only for a while.

(And here's where I start feeling guilty.)

So I started to do the same thing.

Now, when I get a message from a guy I'm not interested in, for whatever reason, I just don't respond to his message.

Sometimes it's because I don't find him attractive in his photo (I feel the worst about that judgment) or because I feel he's a good bit older than I'd like to date (I feel pretty bad about this one too actually) or because something he's said in his message or profile hasn't sat with me the right way (this is what's weird about online dating, you're reacting to very very different things than you would in person and I'm not sure it's a good thing.)

So I guess lately I've been ignoring the fact that I do get attention from the site.

I get messages fairly regularly, it's just rarely from someone I'm attracted to and interested in.

I think Chad was something of a rarity (at least in this town....I don't know about other, bigger towns, but I wonder.) And I still am not sure the online gig is the way for me to meet a guy, but I figured I should be honest about the fact that I do the very thing that sometimes bums me out.

That's not to say I don't still get ignored by guys I'm interested in, I do and it's still a bummer, but it's also a guilt-maker knowing I might be bumming someone else out in just the same way.

And now I'm not even sure I'm making sense anymore so I'm just going to stop typing and be done with this post because the whole thing made me uncomfortable the end.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Two Awesome Things?

My family and the internet.

At some point last week, my Mother came into the living room rather frustrated at my Dad's dinner choice.

Instead of getting annoyed, she said to me "Victoria? I wonder if YouTube has a song about potatos. Because I swear, your Dad would eat them at every meal if I let him."

And so, I looked.

And it did.

Which led to my Mom and I marching into the kitchen and playing the song to my Dad and the three of us singing the silly thing on and off for the next couple of days.

It was maybe that much funnier to us than it will be to anyone else (as most inside jokes tend to be in that "you had to be there" kind of way) but damn I love my parents and I love the sense of humour they gave me. And share with me.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Penny Farthing*


Ho boy am I short on interesting things to talk about.

Which is good, I guess. Means things are rather drama free.

I say "rather" because there are, of course, still things that are frustrating and stressful, but either they're about things I won't talk about here (coughcoughworkcough) or things I don't want to harp on and on and on about. (Being out of my apartment.)

So while I'm not feeling entirely mellow, I don't have much to chat about.

So I was thinking I could ask you for some ideas!

So (yes, I just started my third sentence in a row with "so". So?) what questions do you have for me? Or what blog posts could I write about for you? What stories would you like me to tell? What advice would you like me to give?

Come on, help a girl out, would ya? Give me something to write about!

(No, Universe, not you. Unless it's that awesome guy I've been waiting for. Or that gazillion dollars. Good stuff only ok Universe? Kthxbye.)


*The bike. Not the post.**

**Also a pub***

***That I haven't been to in ages.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Whew

And once again, a long weekend has snuck up on me at just the right time.

At the most needed time, really.

So, Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Canadians. Be thankful for what you have and give your loved ones an extra hug.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Sorts, Out Of

In All Its Glory by foundimagination
I'm missing taking photos.

And I know the answer to that is simple; get back out there and take photos.

I'm also missing being firm in my exercise routine.

I was for a while, and then Chad happened and I got wrapped up in the drama (I know I shouldn't have, don't remind me) and then I had to move and I got wrapped up in the panic and uncertainty around that and then I was packing and work got busy and now here I am feeling lost and like I'm letting things slide, but also needing and wanting to give myself a break and letting myself be less than everything. Which is hard.

It's a lame excuse, but it's hilly around here and around my apartment it's super easy to just head out the door and walk to the store or the water or even just around the beautiful tree lined streets. Here, I'm not sure where I'd walk and I'm not sure what I'd look at.

And it's nearer my spy cave, so it's hard to tell myself to not just go straight home.

I should really just strap on my camera and go wandering after work, but all I can come up with right now is excuses.

This relocation is messing with my mojo. And my mojo was already a little bit off. And I feel like I'd only just gotten it back after my Dad's surgery.

August wasn't great to me and September's been a bit of a "get through it" month.

I know that getting back to taking photos and getting back to my exercise routines will help. But I still don't even have routines here, where I'm living.

I feel like a dog whose owner has taken away their dog bed and I just can't settle. I feel almost desperate for down time, but I'm not sure how to really get it.

Maybe this weekend will help somewhat?

Friday, 7 October 2011

Noticed

I've noticed a few things living at my parents' place.

Like, I don't think I could live in a carpeted place.

My apartment is hardwood and other than at my front door, I don't have rugs or carpets. My parents have both. I know people say my floor is cold (literally, not in a design way) but I've noticed that the carpet here seems to kick up a lot of "dust" or fluff or something and that's irritating me. A little bit because of said dust settling on things, but more in a "I actually don't do well with dust" kind of way. I think I'm maybe a little bit allergic. Plus, I think the rugs may be wool and I do have a bad reaction to wool. (So don't bother buying me that expensive wool sweater thanks.)

And I don't like the noise of TV.

I watch a lot of TV at home, I'll absolutely admit to that. But I don't watch it on a television, I watch it on my computer. Maybe that's not good for my eyes, but it works for me. Hearing TV, even in the other room, on a big television seems so loud. Like, there's so *much* of it. And my parents do have PVR so we fast forward through the ads, but still.... TV be noisy.

And I also really like my couch.

I have one particular couch at home (sigh..in storage) that I do most of my lounging on. It's actually probably properly called a chaise longue or something because it has no back. It has one "end" and that's it. So it means when I'm lying there, both my elbows have space. I didn't discover my love for this couch until I came here and lay on their couch, trying to type on my laptop and realized that having a back means no extra elbow room. Plus my legs hang off the end. My couch has just gained extra awesome points I didn't even know it deserved. Well done couch.

My place is dark.

I mean, it's not dark dark, but I guess my parents' house has a lot of light. And I like that. Especially in the mornings.

I kind of wish my place had a bigger bedroom window for these starting to be darker mornings.

I'm sure I'll notice more things as my stay here goes on, but for now, that's what I've noticed about living here instead of there.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Freedom


I don't like wearing my bra.

I haven't canvassed enough women to get a fair survey, but I know that those of us who have boobies or breasteses in the larger category tend to not like wearing our bras.

Now let me be clear here. I don't leave home without it.

I can't.

Well, I mean, I suppose I could, but you'd notice. And I'd notice. And it wouldn't be pretty.

(For whatever reason, my tiny frame was given big boobies and, well, them there gals don't go out unsupported.)

What it means though is that because my bra is supporting a fair amount of weight (we all know that breasts are really just made up of extra fat tissue over the baby-feeding type parts right gentlemen?) which honestly, is not comfortable.

They're not made to be comfortable I don't think, but when they're holding up rather than just shaping or covering?

Well, long story short, first thing I do when I get home is change out of my bra.

And then I sigh a happy sigh of relief to no longer be wearing something that digs in and is in so many ways just plain uncomfortable.

And yes, I'm in the most comfortable one I can find and it's the right size.... I'm just not a fan.

I feel like they're a necessary evil.

I don't like wearing my bra.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Blank

I feel like I don't have anything to say right now.

I'm staying as a guest in someone's spare bedroom.

Those people happen to be my parents.

I'm not dating anyone, or anything close to dating anyone.

I suppose I should be enjoying the relative health of my family at this moment and the current level of peace and calm, but since I'm feeling rather un-calm and un-settled, I'm finding myself feeling a little melancholy.

Not depressed or sad or blue or anything, maybe just dreary?

I feel how a gray, rainy day looks.

You Westcoasters will know what I mean.

So, since I don't feel like I have anything to say, how are you?

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Dis-Understanding

Splash by foundimagination
When I hadn't heard back from that last guy in a week and a half, I went ahead and deleted his contact info from my phone.

And I was in the middle of deleting his messages from the online site when I got a message from him.

"Sorry to be so delayed in getting back to you, am out of town, etc. Will be back at the end of the month."

So I messaged him back asking how things were going with his trip and I haven't heard from him again.

He's on the site very regularly, mind you. I just haven't heard from him.

So I guess I'm giving up on him, again.

There's part of me that wants to just politely ask if he's more interested in someone else or if he just isn't interested in pursuing anything with me or if he met someone while he was away (he sort of half lives between two towns) or if he's just ... I don't know.

I think that's the thing. I don't know.

I don't know why he's no longer "speaking" to me.

And I think, maybe, I'd like to know.

I mean, I can tell when we haven't really connected and I can tell when I'm not interested in a guy and I can tell when we have connected.

And each time I've felt like I've connected with a guy via on line, it hasn't worked out.

Chad was the closest I got, four or five dates over a span of a few weeks and then he "wasn't ready for a relationship."

The other guys I connected well with were "seeing someone else" or whatever it was and let me know right away.

This particular guy is the first one where we've both really connected and then he just....didn't follow up.

Even though, in the end, it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be and all that reassuring stuff we tell ourselves when we're rejected, but still. What I do not understand about this on line dating experience that I've had is how to judge how things are going.

Because, obviously, I have no idea.

I know we can't all fall in love with each other and it's partly a numbers game and partly a luck thing and part chemistry and blah blah blah blah blah, but my mother insists I'm "doing something wrong" and I just couldn't tell you what it is.

All I know, is it doesn't seem like I'm going to be one of those statistics of people who meet their spouse through an online dating site.

Which means I have to find some other way, some real life way of meeting them and I can't seem to figure that one out either.

So it kind of feels like maybe now would be a good time to declare myself an Old Maid. (Minus the old because that just seems mean.) Maid.

What's the female equivalent of "Confirmed Bachelor" anyway?

Monday, 3 October 2011

Temporary

So I live with my parents now.

And I think that's only an important statement to make in that they're not just roommates.

I want to make sure I respect their space and privacy and feelings and everything; they are, after all letting me stay here when they could have gracefully declined.

It's weird being in someone else's space. I mean, I come over here all the time, but living here is different.

My routines are off. The usual spots I put things or hang things or store things aren't here and I can't quite figure out how to make my space mine when it's right in the middle of someone else's space.

And my bed's not here and my body doesn't like that. I haven't had a lot of sleep in the last couple of nights and if that doesn't change I'm going to be a walking zombie soon.

I keep sort of fumbling my way around trying to settle and knowing I won't be quite settled while I'm here and feeling like I don't want to ruffle things, don't want to be in anyone's way or a bother or a burden.

I know it's a really little thing to complain about and I am, in perspective, grateful to have a roof over my head and to have my parents still here and alive and well.

But I'm out of sorts right now so that's what you get to hear.

I'm out of sorts and tired and discombobulated and wishing I were home on my couch with my things around me and my world undisturbed.

I know it's only temporary, but I miss my comfort zone.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Oh!

Crane by foundimagination
Talking about dreams yesterday, reminded me of the last, super intense dream I had.

Now, this one wasn't sending me a message (dear Lord, I hope!) but it was one of those dreams where you wake up from it and you're pretty darn sure it was real.

Like, the whole dream is *that* life like.

Uh, so...yeah.

Um.

I was a presenter at a porn convention.




I'll just let that sink in.


I. Was a presenter. At a porn convention.

Now, I've never been to one of those Comic-Con convention type things, but I've seen articles and pictures and I have a general idea that there's a stage in a conference room and chairs for the audience and that the "stars" come on stage and answer questions.

So, yeah. There I was, speaking to a room full of eager (male, go figure) audience members, introducing the people they were about to meet and when my intro speech was done, I went to the side of the stage.

And my jaw dropped as these scantily clad (much older) women came out and started doing some raunchy strip dance pole dance type sort of do-we-really-need-to-see-that!? kind of stuff and I was totally embarrassed and didn't know where to look or what to do.

Apparently whoever had booked me for the M.C. position had failed to tell me I was presenting at a porn (or I suppose "adult entertainment"?) show and, well, if that wasn't just the most awkward thing. Me in my prim, proper "office suit skirt and jacket" attire and them in their thongs, heels and bras.

I seem to remember I was pretty professional about getting myself the heck off stage and out of there. But still. Weird, random dream, eh?

So there you go. There's the other dream I forgot to tell you about!
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.