Inside

It's interesting (in retrospect) to see the things my worry-brain gets focussed on.


For example, C-Dawg and I travelled down to the States for the last (hurrah!) of our dealings with people and whatnot from the whackadoo car accident we were in a few years ago.

I was a little nervous about the process and/or what the results might be, but the thing that was really getting to me?

The fact that we would have to wake up at six on the day we were leaving to get to the transportation terminal in time.

Like, really.  I was so worried about it.  SO EARLY!  In the morning!  It's going to be awful!!!!!

It wasn't.  It was fine.  I was awake before even the alarm went off, and I was there with my awesome friend so even though it was an earlier morning, I had a friend there.

And, really, it's not a lot earlier than I get up for work anyway.

And I didn't get great sleep there so it was almost a relief to be getting up.

Now I don't even know why my brain was so fixatedly worried about having to get up that early but I was convinced it would be nasty.

And it wasn't.

It was fine.

Which frustrates me a little because when I'm IN the worry, I can't see logically out of it or through it.  I just believe it.

Like when I'm nervous to meet a new person from a dating site, say.  All I know is that I'm nervous and think that it will be uncomfortable and that it won't necessarily end in a positive way even though I know it will most likely be OK.  That, yes, it can be somewhat awkward or tiring, but that I've also had some really nice times meeting people and when I met Jay, and what's his name (Chad), it went well and ended well.  (If at least for a while...or long while.)

Sigh.

I just don't know how to get out of the worry when I'm in in in it.  You know?

OOOOOOOOOH KAY

Alrighty then.  So I messaged a guy, he messaged back.

Blah blah blah a few messages exchanged back and forth, he seems cool and seems to have a sense of humour and he asks if I'd like to meet or am more comfortable messaging a bit longer.

I tell him I'm still sort of in message mode, but I give him an email address.   (It's easier than having to log in and use the site's message system.)

We chat a few more times and then he gives me his cell.  This reminds me of last summer with Chad.  (Well, apparently it wasn't last summer.  Apparently it was two summers ago?  Really?) And that's somehow reassuring because I know I'm a different person than I was, more solid, happier, more sure of who I am than I was with him and when things didn't work with us I got over it, clearly.  And while Chad was super hot, if things had worked with him, I'd have never been with Jay etc. etc.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  So we text for a few days, nothing major (and now I suddenly remember doing this with Jay too before he got sent overseas) and then he asks if I'm ready to meet yet?

I say sure.  I figure why not?

That whole idea that if I never do the things I don't like doing, I'll never do them, or I'll never feel less horrified about doing them.  You know, kind of a systematic desensitization.  If I'm tired of being stuck in my box of fear/anxiety/whatever, I just have to start making my way out of it, and all that.

So we set a day to meet for a stroll and coffee, Jay being the only guy I've met online that didn't have this kind of initial meeting.

And the initial meeting is weird.  It's a blind date, let's not pretend otherwise.  And you know you're going to be judged, and in the same breath you're sort of going to be judging them too.

But it's hard to remember that, at least for me, because of course we all want to be liked and so I have to try to not think too hard about will he think I'm attractive, or will he find me interesting or will we be uncomfortable around each other.  And on top of all that I have to not think too hard about what all this might mean.  What if we do like each other?  What if we start to date?  What if it turns into something?  What if it doesn't? 

And the thoughts just spin through my head and that makes me feel nervous.  Or I already feel nervous and the thoughts just make it worse, it's hard to know.

So I do what I can on the morning of to not think about it.  Watch some tv, flit around the internet.  Do my makeup a couple of hours before so I'm not rushed.  And then all of a sudden I realize I'm leaving in half an hour and I should get dressed and ready and I sort of don't care, like it's not as if I feel like I NEED to be in a relationship, but I also am nervous that this stranger won't like me, because that's not a nice feeling and I'd rather avoid it.

I head out to meet him and honestly, all I'm thinking is I don't want to do this.  I really really don't want to do this.  And in that moment I understand why maybe some people get stood up.  It maybe has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person freaking the heck out and not wanting to go through with it all.

But I go, and I'm pretty sure I'll know what he looks like, but really you never quite do, and so I grab a tea and wait outside for him, sort of trying to not look like I'm looking at people while still looking at people and eventually he gets there and we sort of nod at each other and say hi and shake hands.

He goes inside to grab a coffee and we decide to head down to the beach.

I feel like he's nervous too, and that we're both sort of this kind of not comfortable nervous energy sort of thing and I think, well, hey, I guess it's just natural. 

My brain doesn't work for the first little while.  (I may have, well, ok, I did take an Ativan that I dug out of the back of my closet, from a gazillion years ago a few hours before.)  He asks me seemingly simple questions "what did you do this morning?"  And I swear I come up with "uh... uh... I.. did... stuff."  And I'm cursing the damn Ativan, but I also might not have made it out of the house without it so double edged sword, really.  And hopefully not something I have to do if I have another first meet and greet.

But I guess the caffeine kicked in, or maybe I just relaxed, but we chat and walk and sit on a log for a while and walk back and I keep thinking that it's sort of hard to really know what he looks like. 

I mean, he was cute in his pictures, but he's somehow more solid in person.  (Maybe compared to Jay, who was thin... compact, but not small.)  But you can't see someone's face when you're walking or sitting beside them, and we both have sunglasses on and so it's hard to know if I feel any attraction, but that's not really the point of a first meeting I don't think.

I think this kind of breaking the ice is more to just get a read on the person, and I've certainly, unfortunately, had some first meetings where I just didn't feel I'd gel well with the person or vise versa but I guess we got along well.

When we headed our separate ways he said I was funny, that he'd enjoyed this and we should do it again.  I said, sure, but that if he didn't want to, he should just feel free to say so.  (It's one of the things we'd talked about, how sometimes people from online dating just... disappear and don't flat out tell you they don't want a repeat.)

I didn't hold my breath, wasn't going to be upset if we didn't go out again.  It had been fine, I was relieved to survive, my friends were proud of me for going, all good.

He texted me the next day, said the same again.  That he'd enjoyed himself and would like to do it again.

I said sure, and so we're going to hang out again.  (Yes, we've set a day, don't worry.)

There's a mild feeling of panic when I think about actually, legitimately dating someone because I don't have those skills.  Dating is not something I've done.  Well, I mean sure maybe a bit, but not the whole way I have it in my head.  I haven't done the thing where you meet a guy at a pub for a drink.  And then a few days or a week later you meet him somewhere else for another activity.  And then you do it again somewhere else.  And somewhere in there you hold hands, or kiss.

Maybe I'm selling myself short.  I mean Chad and I must have "dated', no?  And DD and I?  The guys who didn't come from out of town to visit.  Sure, Jay and I didn't, but nothing was normal with Jay and I.  So maybe I just don't like the label of dating.  Maybe I just like the idea of casually hanging out with someone until you see if you like each other enough to want to hold hands, or kiss, or whatever, or if there's not a spark... or what.

So I'm kind of not looking forward to a "date", so I'll just have to figure out a way to not "date" this guy, to see if I like him.

And there's a mental mind shift I like, eh?  To see if I like him.  Not to "hopefully find out that he likes me."

I'll keep you posted.

Ugh

I really feel like I'm just talking nonsense here.  Just trying to see if anything comes out that makes sense, but I'm still in this weird haze of... weirdness.

So very unsettled.

There are things about Jay that I wish I could talk about, maybe even need to talk about, but that should stay private between the two of us.  Things, even, that he's asked to stay between the two of us specifically and I want to honour that request.

Of course I have things about him I'm uncertain about.  Things about who he is or how he's lived that are so different from my life that I will have to wait and see how I feel about us when we're an "us" before I know if I can really feel settled and safe with them, or if I can't quite get there.

And of course, I have my own issues and insecurities that I'm having to deal with and confront and work through around my own self worth and relationship baggage and history and bad habits and fears and just so much stuff.

I hate to turn into one of those people who says the things that are so damn annoying to hear when you're single, but being in a relationship has its own set of troubles and difficulties and concerns.

You have to think about how what you're doing/saying will affect someone else.  And you have to figure out where you're coming from and why.  And you have to try to see where they're coming from and if where they're coming from isn't healthy, how you'll handle that.  And you can't just fall back on your old, bad, habits, as much as you want to, even when you're tired and things would just be easier if you could have them read your mind already.

I'm not who I was last time I was in a relationship.  At all.  But those habits and unhealthy ways are still in there and like to try to come out to play, especially when I'm pushed too far out of my space, or get overtired, which I do, when there is such a massive time difference and I try to stay up late and get up early just to grab some time to connect. 

When I think about it, I think with Smith, I just wanted a relationship.  I wanted a relationship so bad, I ignored the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country.  I just wanted to be loved and to love.

And with Bird, I loved the connection and understanding we had and wanted that to become something other than what it was, which was not much at all.

With Chad, I loved being with him, and how much he made me smile and he was so super cute, I wanted to ignore all the other things about him that made me pause.  I just wanted to date him so much.  To stop having to date at all, really.  But I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, didn't feel ready for that, and was scared.

Now, with Jay, it's different.

It's about how close and connected I feel to this person.  And the potential I see for us building a life together.  It's about letting someone into my life, and wanting to understand them and their life too.

I do want a relationship with him.  Not just a relationship.  One with him.  I want to get to know him and to have him get to know me.  I want to go on adventures with him, big and small.  I want to go out and see a movie, go for a drive on a sunny weekend day.  I want to snuggle up against him on the couch and do nothing.  And, yes, I want to lie naked in bed with him and rediscover what it's like to be intimate and sexual with a lover.

The only thing I've done backwards with Jay is not having met him first.

The rest I've done correctly.  I've gotten to know him, and like him, and even love him, and that's the first time I've done that.

I want to meet him, so I can put all of this together into the person standing in front of me, and see.

It's starting to feel like it's been a long time coming, meeting him.

Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.







Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.

Babbling

I  feel like so much has gone on in the past month or so, and I've told you about most of it; Vince certainly.  But there's something that sort of set all of that off, in my mind at least, and I haven't sat down and typed that one out yet.

I guess maybe it's just a matter of actually doing it rather than talking about doing it, so here goes.

Do you remember in mid-November, when there was a comment left that threw me off, mentally, a little?

Well, after I sort of thought my way through, (and wrote out my way through,) what all that meant for me writing wise, I sat for a while, sorting through what all the comment meant for me, relationship wise.

Because what I know, that you don't is that around the time Smith and I were breaking up, I had a massive, unexpected, (unwanted perhaps?) realization that made me question everything about how I'd approached relationships, and really, sex.

The details of what I discovered and learned are not ones I'll likely share here (although never say never as Mr Beiber might say) but I decided I needed to change how I was approaching relationships, and that meant changing my "sleep with you first, ask questions later" modus operandi, and instead, meet someone, get to know them, and then maybe sleeping with them.

I think I took a year or so, honestly, after Smith to get over him and then to process what I'd learned about myself and my past.  Bird, if you'll remember, happened around that time, and I was very close with him, and somewhat baffled when we didn't end up sleeping together.

After that, I would meet someone here or there.  Through friends for the first while, but things just never clicked.  I wasn't interested in them, they turned me off, or made me feel panicky or something.  And similarly, when S convinced me to try online dating, I would meet someone and never hear from them again, or not want to see them again, Chad being the only minor exception to that.

A lot of that time I spent lamenting the fact that I just couldn't meet anyone, while forgetting that I was, in fact, meeting people and just not liking them.  Or, at times, I would lament the fact that I was meeting people, but they just weren't liking me, I was obviously unlikeable and that cycle gets really old and really draining really fast.

So when the comment was made, and shook me up, I realized that it was time to sit and think.  I always try to do that when someone says something that really really hurts or upsets me, so that I can find the truth or lesson or whatever it may be within what they said.

And when I thought things over, I wasn't upset at my writing, I was happy that I keep on writing here even when things are blue.  But I did start to wonder about my relationship "issues" and what part in that I might be playing.

Catching Up

While we all play the waiting game around these here parts, here's what else of not-very-consequence is going on.

It's August, which is nice, and we've had lovely weather for a great while now. Lots of things seem to happen in August. It's like the December of Summer, if that makes sense. Symphony Splash this weekend, which is unfortunately reminding me of meeting Chad.

My camera started acting weird mid-July and after a few days of it not quite being able to focus, I contacted Canon. They had me try a few things which didn't help and so I sent it in for them to fix. Now I'm not entirely sure what's going on as their repair service emails are terribly confusing. So either they haven't found anything at all wrong with my camera (which will really weird me out and confuse me) or they have and are going to fix it. Not sure. Waiting to have an email back from them.

I'm currently shooting with my old digital camera (non-SLR) and I'm having to adjust the shots I take. The thing I notice the most is the feeling of being unable to see what I'm taking a picture of. But it's still a decent little camera, and I'm managing. Can't wait to get my real camera back though, and hopefully fixed, too.

Also waiting to have some blood test results back, and keep refreshing the "results" page, and it's driving me a little bit batty.

My Dad's not allowed to drive right now, and we're still weeks away until his scheduled surgery date (and he won't be allowed to drive after that for a while either) so I'm driving my parents when I can. My Mom can drive, for sure, but I know she's very anxious right now waiting, so when I can, I head over and give them a lift somewhere. It makes me feel like I'm helping, and it also gives me an excuse to hang out with them. Not that I need an excuse really. You know what I mean.

I don't know that I'll be going away on a trip at the end of August anymore (see driving, above) but I think I'll still take holiday time. People seem to be going on holiday all around (including two of my Dad's doctors and my friend's OBGYN) so I guess I should do the same, but they're apparently going to do some work around the building right around the same time, so I may not have the most relaxing time at home, but... such is life. I find I'm caring a little less about things these days.

This is a long weekend. I think a lot of people go out of town for the long weekend, so, happy camping/vacationing to them all I say.

I'm sure there's other stuff going on, but for now that's all I can think of. I'm still a little bit rattled and not quite on top of things mentally, but we're coping and it helps to have sunshine and long days.

Unknown Territory

So let's imagine that I've met Steve and we hit it off (which, really, is what's likely to happen, I'm a decent person and apparently he's a decent person and we'll probably get along just fine) and we start "dating."

Now, I have to put "dating" in quotation marks because I'm not entirely sure I've really ever kind of done it before.

See, I've always just met a guy and then been in a relationship. Um, withsomesexthrowninthere. Pardon? What? Hmmm?

So the process of going on outings or dates or getting to know someone slowly over a series of events is a foreign one to me.

I did start down that road last summer with Chad. We met, our initial meeting date, and then we had another date a few days later and then we went on a movie date, and I was nervously anticipating how the whole "dating someone" thing would play out.

I remember being nervous about how I would know when a kissing moment was approaching and I remember thinking about introducing him to C-Dawg and seeing how they got along and wondering what he'd think of my apartment when he came over.

It was new to me and unfortunately, I didn't get to play it out very far, so the whole "dating" thing is still new.

So if Steve and I meet and get along and decide to date, I'll just have to go with what feels right and try to figure things out as we go.

I mean, there's probably no steadfast rules on how things progress (coffee to movie to outdoors to dinner?) and I'm sure each new relationship is different, so I'll try to just relax and see what happens.

Cuz I may not be great at being that relaxed, non worrying person, but I can always practice and learn how to be more that way, right?

Right!

Close Encounters of the Chad Kind

I was in the grocery store later than usual last weekend on my way home from the gym.

(I tell you this, so you can envision me with my glasses on (because it was dark out and I need them to see when I'm driving in the dark) and my hair pulled back and my gym clothes on. Not my best look really.)

It was the weekend before Valentine's Day so the store was very pink and as I was scrolling my mind through my grocery list, I stopped at the strawberries to find a good box.

And, glancing over, I saw Chad. Just casually going through the boxes of strawberries too.

And I wanted to run far far away.

Which.... there are a few ex-boyfriends (not that I can really call him an ex boyfriend but still) that I'd not want to talk to if I ran into them in the grocery store, but most of them I'd say hi to, and a couple I'd really want to catch up with.

Apparently not Chad.

My brain's thought was that he was buying strawberries to make chocolate covered strawberries for his new girlfriend for Valentine's day and that just set me off down an imaginary road.

I know some of you might say that I should have just said hi. That maybe if I'd said hi he'd be so happy to see me and he'd tell me how he regretted letting me go and we'd get back on track and blah blah blah, but I disagree.

If he'd regretted letting me go, he would have remedied that at some point in the last six months. The reality is that yes, he probably has moved on, and yes, he probably has gotten over his fear of "being in a relationship" or whatever it was.

So maybe he was buying strawberries as a treat for his girlfriend on Valentine's day, maybe he was just buying them because they were a pretty good deal and who doesn't like strawberries.

But, yeah. I nearly ran into Chad in the grocery store and I really really didn't want to talk to him.

Go figure.

Better Now

I was thinking the other day (while on the treadmill, which is, next to the shower, a place where a lot of good, unthinking thinking happens if you know what I mean) about the kind of men I've been attracted to.

In high school, I was attracted to the stoner/skater type (for lack of a better term.) Them, and the gorgeous, older guys; the grade 12 jocks, rock and rollers, completely unavailable ones. Both types were boys I couldn't get. Or didn't think I could get anyway, and I think in high school that matters more than you know at the time.

But those "stoner" boys, they were also just a little on the edge. They didn't care about how they were supposed to look or what they were supposed to be doing, they just did their own thing and I think that's what got me. That they were so carefree in my eyes. That they grew their hair long and didn't wear whatever it was the cool kids were supposed to wear.

In University, I was (perhaps once again) attracted to the bad boys. Well, in first year anyway. (Not sure what I was attracted to after that, as that relationship dragged along with me through my entire first degree.) Not the stoner/skaters this time, but the boys who were still on the fringe. The boys who hung at the edges of a party and smoked. (Smoking was outrageously bad in my eyes. Still is. I strongly strongly dislike smokers. Can't be around cigarettes.) These were the boys who skipped classes and were first to arrive at the pub and last to leave. These were boys who would casually throw their arm over your shoulder in a way that was both possessive and non-committal.

I nearly slept with a bad boy that I hated passionately. I disliked everything about him and that powder keg got ignited one night and everyone just left the room and we tore each other's clothes off.

It was his best friend I wanted though and his best friend I dated for the rest of the year. His best friend who ruined the best years of my youth. Nay, the best friend I couldn't let go of, thereby wasting so much of the best years of my youth on him, his issues, and our tattered, unhealthy relationship.

Now?

Well, if DD and Bird are anything to go by, I still have something of a draw to the bad boys. To the ones who hang at the fringe and live just a little outside of what's expected.

But Smith wasn't. And Chad wasn't. And my other lovely boyfriends weren't. The one I nearly married wasn't.

So what *am* I attracted to now, was what I found myself thinking the other day.

And all I could put it down to was "a certain twinkle in the eye."

It's something like a mischievous smile. A smile that goes all the way to the eyes and crinkles just the corner of them. And if they were a caricature, there'd be a twinkle in the corner, and they might just wink at you.

It's a something that says I am good. I am happy. I will make you laugh. And smile. And I will make your insides churn and flutter.

A certain twinkle in the eye.

That's what I go for now.

The Online Thing

I think, really, I'm only going to keep a profile on an online dating site for my own amusement.

Well, "amusement" is not really the right word. More for the novelty and "I'm bored, I should go check out some profiles"-ness of it than anything else.

I do not enjoy the process of cold meeting someone, and the times I've done it, other than Chad, it hasn't ever gone anywhere. And even that didn't go anywhere.

I suppose, in real life, dating's like that anyway, you throw more back than you catch, but I've never been the dating type.

I meet a guy (party, social event, friend's place, etc.) and we connect and we go out and we're together.

Sure, still sometimes I meet a guy (party, social event, friend's place, etc.) and we connect and go out and it doesn't work out but more often than not it has. For me.

I could get all mathematical and do charts and analyze all the factors/whatevers, but really I think I can say that online dating does not work for me. I don't meet the right guys and even when I do meet guys, my game's thrown off and I'm not myself because it's such an artificial way to do it.

The unfortunate thing about this decision, is that I still don't meet guys in my day to day life.

Spy caves are, oddly enough, inhabited by very very few single men. And there are none in my spy cave. And I don't go anywhere else on a regular enough basis and my friends have run out of single guys to introduce me to.

So I guess I'm just going to have to keep hoping for the best real life can throw at me and I'll just go for there.

I'm not going to be one of those "we met on line!" success stories even though everyone knows someone who is.

It's not going to be me and I'm ok with that.

My Excellent Train Of Thought Got Derailed

I was out for a walk yesterday and I had the clearest statement in my head about why the blind date/online date meetup/meeting a stranger thing doesn't work for me.

But, of course, now that I'm sitting down to try to write it out, I can't remember what I had to say.

Because I know I've said before how it's not my thing and how it doesn't work with my personality, but yesterday I figured out how to put it so it made sense.

It was something along the lines of how a blind date/meeting type situation takes me out of my comfort zone/element and how therefore I won't be myself.

I was thinking, in part of my brilliant thought, that if I could just tell these guys to come meet me at my work, things might be different.

Except, of course, you can't invite people to come meet you when you're a spy. I mean, then they'd be a witness to you stealing the Hope Diamond and then you'd have to wipe their memory or send them to the witness protection program and these things aren't conducive to a second date.

I was lucky with Chad because even though it was a raw meeting, a blind meetup for sure, I was already out doing my thing and it just so happened we met up and I didn't have time to think about it.

My previous relationships have all started with me in a social situation and the guy being there and us hitting it off and deciding we wanted to see each other again.

Somehow, this doesn't happen for me in this online meeting situation.

Maybe it's because it's just the two of us and so there's too much focus. Maybe it's because we don't have that other "thing", the social gathering to talk about. Maybe it's because when you meet at a party, you don't really spend the next two hours together, uninterrupted just... talking.

At a party, or a friend's house, or whatever, you're there and you're hanging with your friends/buddies/co-workers and you chat with this guy and you like chatting with each other and then maybe you go off to pee or get another drink or tell your girlfriend how you just met this cute guy and then you come back and talk to each other again and it just... works.

Now I know those who have met their partner through online sites will tell me that for them it "just worked." But for me, other than Chad, it hasn't happened that way yet.

Maybe it will. Maybe if the right guy and I meet on a blind date/online meetup/whatever it is it will just work and be fine.

But I'm not completely sure about that.

And I had a really clear thought yesterday as to why.

I just wish I could remember what it was.

("Blind dates? Weird for me." is the note I left myself. It's not really helping. But there you go.)

Where'd He Go?

For whatever reason, I found myself thinking about the nice guy I hung out with in my series of "post-Chad" dates.

I'd forgotten about him (which is good to try to remember in the moment of feeling upset....eventually, you'll forget about the guy you're upset about) but whatever it was brought him back to mind.

I remember when we hung out and he mentioned how much he missed his family back East. I asked him where he thought he'd find himself in five years, here in town or back East where he grew up and still has family and friends. And he said he didn't know.

I remember thinking at the time that this was probably an indication that he would end up back there and I remember telling myself to be aware of that if things ever got serious.

When he kind of disappeared it was partly, in his words, because he was out of town... back East.

I'm not really sure of the point of this post, other than there's part of me that wants to say "I told you so." Like... I knew he wasn't someone who wanted to stop and settle and make a life here.

Or maybe it's just to say that he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company and I wished we'd kept hanging out.

Or maybe it's to say that it's weird when you think back and nothing went wrong, or nothing was uncomfortable and you both wanted to hang out again but things didn't go that way. And maybe it's to say that it's weird not knowing what someone else is thinking.

I think maybe there are a whole bunch of online dating site posts running through my head. I think you might just get a whole week's worth.

Which, I suppose, is better than the weeks where I've got nothing much at all to say.

Missing What Almost Was

Just because both Chad and the Universe decided that he wasn't to be my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't wish I had a Chad-like boyfriend in my life.

I try to remember not to idealize Chad because he certainly had his faults and I'm sure had I gotten to know him more, I would have found others, but there were things about him and us together that I really really liked.

I liked how easy he was to be around.

I liked how much we laughed together.

I liked that he was good looking.

And outside of those aspects of him, I liked having someone I knew was thinking about me, and I liked that he let me know he was thinking about me.

I liked getting giggly when I'd get a text from him and I liked feeling nervous and fluttery before seeing him.

I haven't forgotten the frustration, confusion and worry I went through when things went off, I'm just saying that it's difficult to forget the fun, good, nice parts of the start of a relationship, especially since it's the first one in a while.

Guess I'm wishing for something similar again. Something fun, uplifting, easy, giggle-and-flutter-inducing and good.

I think I'd like that.

Guilty Conscience

I don't know how to start this post.

I've typed out a starting line a couple of times here and then backspace backspace backspace deleted it all because it didn't feel right.

I want to talk about something to do with online dating, but I feel like I'm admitting something I'm not very proud of.

See, I've been involved with this online dating site for a couple of years now.

For the first year I was nervous about the whole thing and so I just kind of lurked.

I lurked and I looked and I freaked out when someone sent me a message and I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Then I decided to at least try to work through my fears and spent a few months getting used to actually using the site.

I wanted to be kind with people and so if someone I didn't find attractive or who didn't seem like someone who gibed with me messaged me, I'd send them a short message back. Something saying "Thanks for saying hi, I'm not interested, but good luck." (More carefully worded, but that was the general idea.)

Most times I got a thank you back, but occasionally the guy would then try to strike up a conversation and I'd be in the awkward position of having to then ignore him, which always made me feel bad.

I found, during this time, that I would get really upset and hurt when a guy wouldn't message me back. How hard is it so say "thanks but no thanks"? I thought. Can't he even respond politely to my message?

After a while, I realized that this was kind of just how it worked.

If someone wasn't interested in me, they just weren't going to respond to my message.

Was I hurt by that? Of course.

But only for a while.

(And here's where I start feeling guilty.)

So I started to do the same thing.

Now, when I get a message from a guy I'm not interested in, for whatever reason, I just don't respond to his message.

Sometimes it's because I don't find him attractive in his photo (I feel the worst about that judgment) or because I feel he's a good bit older than I'd like to date (I feel pretty bad about this one too actually) or because something he's said in his message or profile hasn't sat with me the right way (this is what's weird about online dating, you're reacting to very very different things than you would in person and I'm not sure it's a good thing.)

So I guess lately I've been ignoring the fact that I do get attention from the site.

I get messages fairly regularly, it's just rarely from someone I'm attracted to and interested in.

I think Chad was something of a rarity (at least in this town....I don't know about other, bigger towns, but I wonder.) And I still am not sure the online gig is the way for me to meet a guy, but I figured I should be honest about the fact that I do the very thing that sometimes bums me out.

That's not to say I don't still get ignored by guys I'm interested in, I do and it's still a bummer, but it's also a guilt-maker knowing I might be bumming someone else out in just the same way.

And now I'm not even sure I'm making sense anymore so I'm just going to stop typing and be done with this post because the whole thing made me uncomfortable the end.

Sorts, Out Of

I'm missing taking photos.

And I know the answer to that is simple; get back out there and take photos.

I'm also missing being firm in my exercise routine.

I was for a while, and then Chad happened and I got wrapped up in the drama (I know I shouldn't have, don't remind me) and then I had to move and I got wrapped up in the panic and uncertainty around that and then I was packing and work got busy and now here I am feeling lost and like I'm letting things slide, but also needing and wanting to give myself a break and letting myself be less than everything. Which is hard.

It's a lame excuse, but it's hilly around here and around my apartment it's super easy to just head out the door and walk to the store or the water or even just around the beautiful tree lined streets. Here, I'm not sure where I'd walk and I'm not sure what I'd look at.

And it's nearer my spy cave, so it's hard to tell myself to not just go straight home.

I should really just strap on my camera and go wandering after work, but all I can come up with right now is excuses.

This relocation is messing with my mojo. And my mojo was already a little bit off. And I feel like I'd only just gotten it back after my Dad's surgery.

August wasn't great to me and September's been a bit of a "get through it" month.

I know that getting back to taking photos and getting back to my exercise routines will help. But I still don't even have routines here, where I'm living.

I feel like a dog whose owner has taken away their dog bed and I just can't settle. I feel almost desperate for down time, but I'm not sure how to really get it.

Maybe this weekend will help somewhat?

Dis-Understanding

When I hadn't heard back from that last guy in a week and a half, I went ahead and deleted his contact info from my phone.

And I was in the middle of deleting his messages from the online site when I got a message from him.

"Sorry to be so delayed in getting back to you, am out of town, etc. Will be back at the end of the month."

So I messaged him back asking how things were going with his trip and I haven't heard from him again.

He's on the site very regularly, mind you. I just haven't heard from him.

So I guess I'm giving up on him, again.

There's part of me that wants to just politely ask if he's more interested in someone else or if he just isn't interested in pursuing anything with me or if he met someone while he was away (he sort of half lives between two towns) or if he's just ... I don't know.

I think that's the thing. I don't know.

I don't know why he's no longer "speaking" to me.

And I think, maybe, I'd like to know.

I mean, I can tell when we haven't really connected and I can tell when I'm not interested in a guy and I can tell when we have connected.

And each time I've felt like I've connected with a guy via on line, it hasn't worked out.

Chad was the closest I got, four or five dates over a span of a few weeks and then he "wasn't ready for a relationship."

The other guys I connected well with were "seeing someone else" or whatever it was and let me know right away.

This particular guy is the first one where we've both really connected and then he just....didn't follow up.

Even though, in the end, it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be and all that reassuring stuff we tell ourselves when we're rejected, but still. What I do not understand about this on line dating experience that I've had is how to judge how things are going.

Because, obviously, I have no idea.

I know we can't all fall in love with each other and it's partly a numbers game and partly a luck thing and part chemistry and blah blah blah blah blah, but my mother insists I'm "doing something wrong" and I just couldn't tell you what it is.

All I know, is it doesn't seem like I'm going to be one of those statistics of people who meet their spouse through an online dating site.

Which means I have to find some other way, some real life way of meeting them and I can't seem to figure that one out either.

So it kind of feels like maybe now would be a good time to declare myself an Old Maid. (Minus the old because that just seems mean.) Maid.

What's the female equivalent of "Confirmed Bachelor" anyway?

Dreaming

I had a very vivid set of dreams a few months ago. Right before I met Chad, actually.

They were those kinds of dreams where you wake up with a sense that you were just told Something. And that it's a Something that you should listen to. Really.

In these dreams, I was leaning up against the most wonderful man. He was giving me a big, gentle hug and I felt so safe and comfortable and happy.

And, even though I couldn't tell what this guy looked like exactly, the *idea* of what he looked like translated into my brain as "he looks plain."

And the message I woke up with was something I can only translate as... "Stop going for looks. You will discover that a less good looking guy than you're used to pursuing is amazing and loving and kind and gentle and solid and he will be the best thing ever to happen to you."

But when I met Chad a week or so later, I ignored that strong feeling and went for the super cute, did I mention how cute he was? guy.

And that didn't work out.

But now I find myself wondering if maybe even Chad was a reinforcement of that message.

Sure, he was hot. And, absolutely, we got along super super well and he was funny and I loved his company. But did he make me feel safe, secure, supported, comfortable, cared for, etc.?

No.

And I want that.

Outside of a dream.

Better

I had another date this weekend.

Not a repeat, but another new guy. (I know, right?)

After my last couple of "meh" dates, I wasn't expecting much but still had that frustrating nervous thing going on. We'd been messaging each other for a couple of weeks and he seemed nice so we decided to meet and go for a walk to the beach. (It's totally my comfort zone date, especially in nice weather.)

I liked him.

We got along and he was nice and we had a lot to talk about. It was, I think, the longest first date I've been on through the online thing. Usually I only last about an hour and a half before I'm tired and ready to go home.

I think we sat there talking about whatever for close to three hours and we probably would have kept going if it hadn't started getting chilly.

So it was good. Much better than my last two dates in terms of attraction and chemistry.

I'd like to see him again.

But I'm being cautious and not getting all...whatever about it, because you never know. Of all the guys I've gone on a date with from online, Chad's the only one where we dated more than once. (Ok, well, technically there was that guy who asked me out again a month later after he stopped seeing the girl he "chose" over me.) So I guess I'm used to not expecting to hear from the guy again because it seems to be easier for them to do that online.... or something.

But anyway, this isn't a wah wah post (like yesterday, whoops!) just... I went on a date, it was good, I'd like to go on another.

(And I'm trying not to get too excited, but of course we all know I am, but still.)

Frustrating

Sometimes my desire to get into, or back into, a relationship I know will be self-destructive sneaks up on me.

Like right now.

Right now, I'm fighting the urge to contact Chad (because although I deleted him from my contacts, there is a draft text to him that will not not NOT delete from my phone....so I still have his number. I'm just ignoring it. And buying a new phone.) I want to contact him and make things work even though I can see where things weren't good and how things weren't good enough.

But even more than that, since seeing DD on the online site, I want to contact him and throw myself back into what I *know* would be a continuation of the unhealthy relationship we had.

I don't know what it is, but that something in me wants the pain and the darkness that was part and parcel of the intense connection we had and the good moments we shared.

And obviously, something in me hasn't moved on from him and what we had, even though the rest of me has and is very glad to have done so.

I'm not worried that I'll contact him, not really, but it's been somewhere between odd and interesting to watch myself wanting to dive into something I know isn't good.

Maybe this is my own personal version of the "bad boy" thing people are always talking about. It's not that I want to fix him, more like I want an excuse to be miserable. Maybe I want a focus for the anger and hurt seeing him has stirred up.

I hate that I may not have gotten over him.

I wish he'd moved away. I wish he didn't live here anymore.

Argh.

Things I'd Forgotten

One of the things I wanted to talk about when I was dating Chad, was how...nervous I was about the physical things.

We'd both established that we didn't want to get too physically intimate too early, but that wasn't even my concern. I was worried about the simple stuff.

Like, how do you kiss someone????

I mean, I *know* how to kiss someone, and I know it's not something I have to, like, practice on my hand or anything, it's not that. It's just that at about our third date, I realized I didn't know how to get to a first kiss.

Usually by that point in a new relationship, I would have done more than that and it probably would have involved a glass of something or other and things just would have happened.

But Chad and I were just hanging out and being very careful with each other and I couldn't figure out how we'd ever get from there to kissing.

I think, had things progressed, it would have just happened; we were sitting touching each other and holding hands on our last date. But it was the weirdest moment, lying there one night after a date and thinking "damn, I don't know how to know when to lean in or forward or any of that stuff."

In retrospect, maybe that was a sign that he was holding back, the fact that we hadn't already had that moment, or maybe that's just what it's like when you're taking things slow. I'm not sure.

But on top of that, there was the whole "what if my breath smells?" fear and the "what if I'm just a stinky person in general and I can't tell anymore?" train of thought that I'd forgotten comes with the whole kissing thing.

Or, the I wish we were kissing thing, as I guess the case was here.

I guess I'll just have to see how it all works out next time.