While It Lasted

So things didn't work out for Chad and I.

(Wait, who's Chad? Chad is the name I've just this minute decided to give that guy. Why "Chad" ? I don't know.)

We went on a date last week, our first date since things got . . .weird. I was super nervous for the date because while we'd been texting and had talked on the phone, I didn't know how it would be to be together again since we were both feeling somewhat reserved about things.

But I needn't have worried because once we met up, things were awesome. We really do get along great and the night was easy and fun and relaxing and uplifting all at once.

We went to a movie and we laughed before the movie started and we leaned up against each other in that way that makes your stomach flutter and he walked me home and we held hands and it just felt nice. Nice and good and right.

He came in and we talked for a while and when it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and said "we'll chat soon" and something felt off.

I know people say that you shouldn't overreact to things when guys say things like that because it just literally means we will chat soon, but this is the same guy who when we first met was asking at the end of one date if he could see me tomorrow. And this is the same guy who before he took a week to "think things over" was texting me multiple times a day to ask me things or find out how my day was going or to tell me he wishes he was cuddled up with me on my couch or to tell me that he thinks I'm smart and interesting and he's looking forward to spending more time with me.

So for him to say that we'd "chat soon" felt weird.

But I tried just to let it go and see what happened.

And what happened was that he was busy that weekend and his phone died while he was up Island and I know these things happen but I also know if you really want to contact someone and can't stop thinking about them, you find a way to say hi.

I asked him to call me the Monday of that weekend and he did and we had a great talk and sorted things out. He admitted that he sometimes goes M.I.A. and that he knows that's not fair and I said that if he needed to do that that was fine, just to let me know. Or just to check in and say hi. I told him I could tell he was kind of freaking out about being in a relationship again (he'd mentioned it in a previous conversation) and he said that yes, he was, but that it was something he was working through.

We made plans to see each other on Thursday, which was the first evening we both had free that week.

We chatted a bit via text throughout the week and then on Thursday I didn't hear from him until just about 6 o'clock.

I think I knew by then that things weren't going the way I'd want them to, but I still was surprised by the phone call.

To make a short story short, he told me that he's not ready to be in a relationship. Blah blah blah last girlfriend blah blah blah too soon, blah blah blah every time he thinks about getting back into a relationship it's just an awful feeling he just can't do it.

It's not about me, I'm awesome and he loves spending time with me, but he just can't do it.

To which I listened and said "uh huh" when appropriate, thanked him for being honest and wished him well.

And then I hung up the phone and cried.

I cried because I think we had a ton of potential together. It has been so so so long since I've clicked and connected with a guy so well. It was easy and fun and really really great hanging out with him and I was looking forward to spending more time with him and us getting to know each other and seeing which of his faults I was willing to overlook and which might be deal breakers in the long run.

So I cried over the loss of potential and the loss of a good, smart, fun, good looking guy.

And then I cried for a while over my insecurities.

I cried over "maybe I'll never find anyone" or "maybe no one will ever really love me" and "maybe that's the best I'll ever find and now I'll have to take something not as good."

And I cried a fair bit over the fact that no matter how nice a guy tries to be it always hurts to be rejected.

I understand the line "it's not you it's me" is supposed to be kind and empowering, but it's really not. Because the truth of it is, if I was the right girl for you, or if I was an amazing girl and you couldn't be without me? It wouldn't matter if you "didn't want to be in a relationship" or whatever other excuse guys use.

"It's not you, it's me" is only true to an extent. Because when you're with a woman you can't resist, you'll fight through blazing piles of shit to be with her. And you'll get over whatever issue or insecurity or problem you have.

So while I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me sooner rather than later, and I'm supposed to appreciate that he was honest and I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me rather than just disappearing, I'm still totally hurt and saddened and feeling pretty low.

And to be honest? I'm also pretty pissed.

I'm mad at myself for not just walking away when my guts and instinct told me things weren't going to work. I'm mad that I stuck around when really? If you have to THINK about if you want to be with me or not? You obviously don't. And I'm mad that the part of me that's strong didn't kick him to the curb then.

But I try not to be too mad at myself, because I do like that part of me that's hopeful and optimistic and that gives people the benefit of the doubt.

So I'm also mad at him.

Mad because I don't think it's fair to put yourself out on a dating site, and to start dating someone and start opening up to them if you've got that niggling feeling a relationship isn't something you're ready to handle. And I'm mad that he wasn't man enough to fight through it because, as I've said, I think we could have had something pretty great.

Or at least something fun and happy for a while.

And I'm also a little embarrassed.

I feel embarrassed that I told so many people. That I got so happy and excited about something that didn't amount to more than 5 dates and a few weird weeks.

I feel, somehow, stupid. And embarrassed.

I wish Chad and I could have stayed in what we had in those first few days for another couple of weeks.

I wish Chad and I hadn't had the weirdness that maybe I started, but that he certainly continued.

I wish, now that it's over, that we hadn't connected so well, because how am I supposed to meet someone new and not compare them to the wonderful, fun, friendly, easy, amazing connection we had.

And I think I wish I hadn't found him so attractive. Because now I feel like I've lost out and it's all too easy to fall back onto blaming myself.

But there you go.

I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but only some of it was. The worrying and wondering wasn't, although it did give me a lot to write about. I'd hoped that Chad would be around to be a cheering, happy distraction during the stress of my move and the stress that I think is going to be coming my way at work soon. And I had hoped that we could do things together and that I'd have a cuddle partner and, after a while, someone to share my bed with again.

I didn't tell you about this the day it happened because it was too raw (as some of my girlfriends can attest.) I stayed home for a day somewhere in there and didn't talk to anyone. No texts, no phone calls, barely an email, and that helped. It let me feel miserable and move through it.

Which I did and am now feeling better for.

It's been about five days now since he called me (right before our date, might I add) and the sting isn't quite as fierce. I'm still feeling a little embarrassed and I'm still sad and battling the mean thoughts, but I'm fine and I'm coping and sooner or later I'll feel good and happy again.

But there you go.

Don't really know how to end this post. I wish things hadn't turned out the way they have.

(Insert uplifting, inspirational thought here)

What I Did

When things went off with Chad and I, I kind of had that feeling that they weren't going to go back to where they'd been. And because I didn't want all my eggs in what was looking like a faulty basket, during the week he wasn't speaking to me, I went back on line and "un-hid" my profile.

My thinking was that if things went well, I would just re-hide my profile but if things didn't go well, at least I wouldn't feel like no one wanted to talk to me.

At first it was a little disheartening because sometimes you're on these sites and it seems like there's nothing. Or, to put it politely, no one you're interested in getting to know.

I got a little un-nerved by the sixty five year old man who added me to his favourites list, but I just removed myself from his list and moved on.

When Chad ended things, I got back on the metaphorical horse that very evening and sent a couple of messages to some new guys.

I think I really wanted to prove to myself that there was going to be someone again in the near future who WOULD want to be with me and I think I wanted to lessen the blow and the thoughts of "I'm not pretty/attractive/good/nice" enough.

I'm not sure it was the wisest thing, but I ended up going on a date that same weekend.

Well, I call these things "dates" but they're really just a blind-meeting-a-complete-stranger moment.

The guy was nice enough and I wish I had a single girlfriend I could set him up with, but I just wasn't interested.

I don't know if it was him or me just not feeling it or if it was me comparing him to the connection I had with Chad, but I didn't particularly want to see him again once we were finished our time together.

I'm not someone who thrives in these kinds of situations. I know for some people the whole experience of meeting a new person and talking to them and getting to know them is a really fun adventure. And for me, it's just something that I find tiring and something that I get nervous about and something I don't love doing.

Except meeting Chad for the first time was none of these things.

When I was finished meeting Chad, I felt giddy. Energized. I couldn't sleep.

The time had flown by and had been effortless and fun.

And, let's be honest, I was attracted to him. He was very attractive.

So I don't know what to do about meeting someone right now.

I've got three other guys I'm talking to and they'd all like to meet and I feel like I *should*, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not sure I find any of them attractive enough to be excited about, and our conversations have been nice via the messages we've sent back and forth but... they're all just missing that... something.

But, yeah, I did go on a date and I guess that's a good thing. I guess it's making it less scary the more I do it, right?

Sigh.

Close Encounters of the Chad Kind

I was in the grocery store later than usual last weekend on my way home from the gym.

(I tell you this, so you can envision me with my glasses on (because it was dark out and I need them to see when I'm driving in the dark) and my hair pulled back and my gym clothes on. Not my best look really.)

It was the weekend before Valentine's Day so the store was very pink and as I was scrolling my mind through my grocery list, I stopped at the strawberries to find a good box.

And, glancing over, I saw Chad. Just casually going through the boxes of strawberries too.

And I wanted to run far far away.

Which.... there are a few ex-boyfriends (not that I can really call him an ex boyfriend but still) that I'd not want to talk to if I ran into them in the grocery store, but most of them I'd say hi to, and a couple I'd really want to catch up with.

Apparently not Chad.

My brain's thought was that he was buying strawberries to make chocolate covered strawberries for his new girlfriend for Valentine's day and that just set me off down an imaginary road.

I know some of you might say that I should have just said hi. That maybe if I'd said hi he'd be so happy to see me and he'd tell me how he regretted letting me go and we'd get back on track and blah blah blah, but I disagree.

If he'd regretted letting me go, he would have remedied that at some point in the last six months. The reality is that yes, he probably has moved on, and yes, he probably has gotten over his fear of "being in a relationship" or whatever it was.

So maybe he was buying strawberries as a treat for his girlfriend on Valentine's day, maybe he was just buying them because they were a pretty good deal and who doesn't like strawberries.

But, yeah. I nearly ran into Chad in the grocery store and I really really didn't want to talk to him.

Go figure.

Dreaming

I had a very vivid set of dreams a few months ago. Right before I met Chad, actually.

They were those kinds of dreams where you wake up with a sense that you were just told Something. And that it's a Something that you should listen to. Really.

In these dreams, I was leaning up against the most wonderful man. He was giving me a big, gentle hug and I felt so safe and comfortable and happy.

And, even though I couldn't tell what this guy looked like exactly, the *idea* of what he looked like translated into my brain as "he looks plain."

And the message I woke up with was something I can only translate as... "Stop going for looks. You will discover that a less good looking guy than you're used to pursuing is amazing and loving and kind and gentle and solid and he will be the best thing ever to happen to you."

But when I met Chad a week or so later, I ignored that strong feeling and went for the super cute, did I mention how cute he was? guy.

And that didn't work out.

But now I find myself wondering if maybe even Chad was a reinforcement of that message.

Sure, he was hot. And, absolutely, we got along super super well and he was funny and I loved his company. But did he make me feel safe, secure, supported, comfortable, cared for, etc.?

No.

And I want that.

Outside of a dream.

A Babbling

I struggled a bit this weekend with not wanting to get out there and enjoy what's left of the summer and I struggled with what can only be described as a foul mood.

Getting so close to having a relationship and then losing it is bringing me down.

It's not even about Chad himself anymore, but it's about the idea of him and the idea of what we might have had and it's about how great we got along.

I'm pretty wound up right now. Packing my place seems like it's never ending and people have already moved out of the building and I feel like maybe I'm doing it wrong. I don't know why, except that I've made the choice to use a moving company and I haven't seen anyone else doing that and it makes me feel like a wimp or something.

I just don't want to be that person who calls up their guy friends and says "hey, beer and pizza if you do all the work for me!" because I can't lift things. Even packing has messed with my back. So I want pros to do it for me and I guess I feel weird about that because... well, because I've never done it before.

And there's something weird about being surrounded by boxes of your things. And there's something even weirder about living with just the bare minimum and wondering just how many of those things you really don't need. And knowing that I'll be putting things into storage and then moving all over again is weird.

And then there's the sick that's trying to take over. I know my body gets run down under stress, so there's that. And then there's the dust. I swear, boxes make dust. And when my place feels like a disaster zone, I don't feel like sweeping or dusting, but dust makes me sick, and so I know I should keep things clean but.. it's like I can't be bothered.

So it feels like nothing's solid and that I don't know when things will be solid again. I don't have a move date yet and I don't know when I'll be moving back in and my brain doesn't work well with gray areas and unknowns and uncertainties so everything just feels... yuck.

And there are a lot of things that I want to ask my Dad to do. Dad, come over and help me move my tv. Dad, can you show me how to take my bed apart? Dad, can you figure out if this couch will fit through that door? But I can't ask him, can't ask him to do those kinds of things anymore. So I'm not really sure who to lean on here.

And everything with Chad this past month threw me off my exercise schedule. And I can tell. I haven't run in weeks and I haven't been to the gym probably since the day we met. And that's frustrating, but I'm also in that grumpy, lazy, busy mode that's hard to break out of.

It feels like so many changes have been forced upon me and I wish things with Chad had been perfect and good because it would have been so, so nice to have that distraction to look forward to. And maybe I could ask him to do some of those things I'd usually ask my Dad to do.

I feel like I need a rest. A vacation getaway, but it's also just the start of the changes and potential stresses to come. Add on to that the days getting shorter and me not taking care of myself and eating poorly and it's no surprise that I ended up less than happy this weekend.

I hope once a few more things fall into place or get taken care of (you should see my current to-do list) and I have less to worry about (utilities to cancel, moving company to book, packing to complete, not to mention the things I can't pack until the day I leave and then all the things I can't pack at all but still have to transport to my parents' place. ARGH!) I'll start feeling better and calmer.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, but there you go.

I'm struggling with what's going on and I'm wishing I had a happy relationship to keep me entertained through the struggles.

Missing What Almost Was

Just because both Chad and the Universe decided that he wasn't to be my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't wish I had a Chad-like boyfriend in my life.

I try to remember not to idealize Chad because he certainly had his faults and I'm sure had I gotten to know him more, I would have found others, but there were things about him and us together that I really really liked.

I liked how easy he was to be around.

I liked how much we laughed together.

I liked that he was good looking.

And outside of those aspects of him, I liked having someone I knew was thinking about me, and I liked that he let me know he was thinking about me.

I liked getting giggly when I'd get a text from him and I liked feeling nervous and fluttery before seeing him.

I haven't forgotten the frustration, confusion and worry I went through when things went off, I'm just saying that it's difficult to forget the fun, good, nice parts of the start of a relationship, especially since it's the first one in a while.

Guess I'm wishing for something similar again. Something fun, uplifting, easy, giggle-and-flutter-inducing and good.

I think I'd like that.

OOOOOOOOOH KAY

Alrighty then.  So I messaged a guy, he messaged back.

Blah blah blah a few messages exchanged back and forth, he seems cool and seems to have a sense of humour and he asks if I'd like to meet or am more comfortable messaging a bit longer.

I tell him I'm still sort of in message mode, but I give him an email address.   (It's easier than having to log in and use the site's message system.)

We chat a few more times and then he gives me his cell.  This reminds me of last summer with Chad.  (Well, apparently it wasn't last summer.  Apparently it was two summers ago?  Really?) And that's somehow reassuring because I know I'm a different person than I was, more solid, happier, more sure of who I am than I was with him and when things didn't work with us I got over it, clearly.  And while Chad was super hot, if things had worked with him, I'd have never been with Jay etc. etc.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  So we text for a few days, nothing major (and now I suddenly remember doing this with Jay too before he got sent overseas) and then he asks if I'm ready to meet yet?

I say sure.  I figure why not?

That whole idea that if I never do the things I don't like doing, I'll never do them, or I'll never feel less horrified about doing them.  You know, kind of a systematic desensitization.  If I'm tired of being stuck in my box of fear/anxiety/whatever, I just have to start making my way out of it, and all that.

So we set a day to meet for a stroll and coffee, Jay being the only guy I've met online that didn't have this kind of initial meeting.

And the initial meeting is weird.  It's a blind date, let's not pretend otherwise.  And you know you're going to be judged, and in the same breath you're sort of going to be judging them too.

But it's hard to remember that, at least for me, because of course we all want to be liked and so I have to try to not think too hard about will he think I'm attractive, or will he find me interesting or will we be uncomfortable around each other.  And on top of all that I have to not think too hard about what all this might mean.  What if we do like each other?  What if we start to date?  What if it turns into something?  What if it doesn't? 

And the thoughts just spin through my head and that makes me feel nervous.  Or I already feel nervous and the thoughts just make it worse, it's hard to know.

So I do what I can on the morning of to not think about it.  Watch some tv, flit around the internet.  Do my makeup a couple of hours before so I'm not rushed.  And then all of a sudden I realize I'm leaving in half an hour and I should get dressed and ready and I sort of don't care, like it's not as if I feel like I NEED to be in a relationship, but I also am nervous that this stranger won't like me, because that's not a nice feeling and I'd rather avoid it.

I head out to meet him and honestly, all I'm thinking is I don't want to do this.  I really really don't want to do this.  And in that moment I understand why maybe some people get stood up.  It maybe has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person freaking the heck out and not wanting to go through with it all.

But I go, and I'm pretty sure I'll know what he looks like, but really you never quite do, and so I grab a tea and wait outside for him, sort of trying to not look like I'm looking at people while still looking at people and eventually he gets there and we sort of nod at each other and say hi and shake hands.

He goes inside to grab a coffee and we decide to head down to the beach.

I feel like he's nervous too, and that we're both sort of this kind of not comfortable nervous energy sort of thing and I think, well, hey, I guess it's just natural. 

My brain doesn't work for the first little while.  (I may have, well, ok, I did take an Ativan that I dug out of the back of my closet, from a gazillion years ago a few hours before.)  He asks me seemingly simple questions "what did you do this morning?"  And I swear I come up with "uh... uh... I.. did... stuff."  And I'm cursing the damn Ativan, but I also might not have made it out of the house without it so double edged sword, really.  And hopefully not something I have to do if I have another first meet and greet.

But I guess the caffeine kicked in, or maybe I just relaxed, but we chat and walk and sit on a log for a while and walk back and I keep thinking that it's sort of hard to really know what he looks like. 

I mean, he was cute in his pictures, but he's somehow more solid in person.  (Maybe compared to Jay, who was thin... compact, but not small.)  But you can't see someone's face when you're walking or sitting beside them, and we both have sunglasses on and so it's hard to know if I feel any attraction, but that's not really the point of a first meeting I don't think.

I think this kind of breaking the ice is more to just get a read on the person, and I've certainly, unfortunately, had some first meetings where I just didn't feel I'd gel well with the person or vise versa but I guess we got along well.

When we headed our separate ways he said I was funny, that he'd enjoyed this and we should do it again.  I said, sure, but that if he didn't want to, he should just feel free to say so.  (It's one of the things we'd talked about, how sometimes people from online dating just... disappear and don't flat out tell you they don't want a repeat.)

I didn't hold my breath, wasn't going to be upset if we didn't go out again.  It had been fine, I was relieved to survive, my friends were proud of me for going, all good.

He texted me the next day, said the same again.  That he'd enjoyed himself and would like to do it again.

I said sure, and so we're going to hang out again.  (Yes, we've set a day, don't worry.)

There's a mild feeling of panic when I think about actually, legitimately dating someone because I don't have those skills.  Dating is not something I've done.  Well, I mean sure maybe a bit, but not the whole way I have it in my head.  I haven't done the thing where you meet a guy at a pub for a drink.  And then a few days or a week later you meet him somewhere else for another activity.  And then you do it again somewhere else.  And somewhere in there you hold hands, or kiss.

Maybe I'm selling myself short.  I mean Chad and I must have "dated', no?  And DD and I?  The guys who didn't come from out of town to visit.  Sure, Jay and I didn't, but nothing was normal with Jay and I.  So maybe I just don't like the label of dating.  Maybe I just like the idea of casually hanging out with someone until you see if you like each other enough to want to hold hands, or kiss, or whatever, or if there's not a spark... or what.

So I'm kind of not looking forward to a "date", so I'll just have to figure out a way to not "date" this guy, to see if I like him.

And there's a mental mind shift I like, eh?  To see if I like him.  Not to "hopefully find out that he likes me."

I'll keep you posted.

My Excellent Train Of Thought Got Derailed

I was out for a walk yesterday and I had the clearest statement in my head about why the blind date/online date meetup/meeting a stranger thing doesn't work for me.

But, of course, now that I'm sitting down to try to write it out, I can't remember what I had to say.

Because I know I've said before how it's not my thing and how it doesn't work with my personality, but yesterday I figured out how to put it so it made sense.

It was something along the lines of how a blind date/meeting type situation takes me out of my comfort zone/element and how therefore I won't be myself.

I was thinking, in part of my brilliant thought, that if I could just tell these guys to come meet me at my work, things might be different.

Except, of course, you can't invite people to come meet you when you're a spy. I mean, then they'd be a witness to you stealing the Hope Diamond and then you'd have to wipe their memory or send them to the witness protection program and these things aren't conducive to a second date.

I was lucky with Chad because even though it was a raw meeting, a blind meetup for sure, I was already out doing my thing and it just so happened we met up and I didn't have time to think about it.

My previous relationships have all started with me in a social situation and the guy being there and us hitting it off and deciding we wanted to see each other again.

Somehow, this doesn't happen for me in this online meeting situation.

Maybe it's because it's just the two of us and so there's too much focus. Maybe it's because we don't have that other "thing", the social gathering to talk about. Maybe it's because when you meet at a party, you don't really spend the next two hours together, uninterrupted just... talking.

At a party, or a friend's house, or whatever, you're there and you're hanging with your friends/buddies/co-workers and you chat with this guy and you like chatting with each other and then maybe you go off to pee or get another drink or tell your girlfriend how you just met this cute guy and then you come back and talk to each other again and it just... works.

Now I know those who have met their partner through online sites will tell me that for them it "just worked." But for me, other than Chad, it hasn't happened that way yet.

Maybe it will. Maybe if the right guy and I meet on a blind date/online meetup/whatever it is it will just work and be fine.

But I'm not completely sure about that.

And I had a really clear thought yesterday as to why.

I just wish I could remember what it was.

("Blind dates? Weird for me." is the note I left myself. It's not really helping. But there you go.)

Things I'd Forgotten

One of the things I wanted to talk about when I was dating Chad, was how...nervous I was about the physical things.

We'd both established that we didn't want to get too physically intimate too early, but that wasn't even my concern. I was worried about the simple stuff.

Like, how do you kiss someone????

I mean, I *know* how to kiss someone, and I know it's not something I have to, like, practice on my hand or anything, it's not that. It's just that at about our third date, I realized I didn't know how to get to a first kiss.

Usually by that point in a new relationship, I would have done more than that and it probably would have involved a glass of something or other and things just would have happened.

But Chad and I were just hanging out and being very careful with each other and I couldn't figure out how we'd ever get from there to kissing.

I think, had things progressed, it would have just happened; we were sitting touching each other and holding hands on our last date. But it was the weirdest moment, lying there one night after a date and thinking "damn, I don't know how to know when to lean in or forward or any of that stuff."

In retrospect, maybe that was a sign that he was holding back, the fact that we hadn't already had that moment, or maybe that's just what it's like when you're taking things slow. I'm not sure.

But on top of that, there was the whole "what if my breath smells?" fear and the "what if I'm just a stinky person in general and I can't tell anymore?" train of thought that I'd forgotten comes with the whole kissing thing.

Or, the I wish we were kissing thing, as I guess the case was here.

I guess I'll just have to see how it all works out next time.

Catching Up

While we all play the waiting game around these here parts, here's what else of not-very-consequence is going on.

It's August, which is nice, and we've had lovely weather for a great while now. Lots of things seem to happen in August. It's like the December of Summer, if that makes sense. Symphony Splash this weekend, which is unfortunately reminding me of meeting Chad.

My camera started acting weird mid-July and after a few days of it not quite being able to focus, I contacted Canon. They had me try a few things which didn't help and so I sent it in for them to fix. Now I'm not entirely sure what's going on as their repair service emails are terribly confusing. So either they haven't found anything at all wrong with my camera (which will really weird me out and confuse me) or they have and are going to fix it. Not sure. Waiting to have an email back from them.

I'm currently shooting with my old digital camera (non-SLR) and I'm having to adjust the shots I take. The thing I notice the most is the feeling of being unable to see what I'm taking a picture of. But it's still a decent little camera, and I'm managing. Can't wait to get my real camera back though, and hopefully fixed, too.

Also waiting to have some blood test results back, and keep refreshing the "results" page, and it's driving me a little bit batty.

My Dad's not allowed to drive right now, and we're still weeks away until his scheduled surgery date (and he won't be allowed to drive after that for a while either) so I'm driving my parents when I can. My Mom can drive, for sure, but I know she's very anxious right now waiting, so when I can, I head over and give them a lift somewhere. It makes me feel like I'm helping, and it also gives me an excuse to hang out with them. Not that I need an excuse really. You know what I mean.

I don't know that I'll be going away on a trip at the end of August anymore (see driving, above) but I think I'll still take holiday time. People seem to be going on holiday all around (including two of my Dad's doctors and my friend's OBGYN) so I guess I should do the same, but they're apparently going to do some work around the building right around the same time, so I may not have the most relaxing time at home, but... such is life. I find I'm caring a little less about things these days.

This is a long weekend. I think a lot of people go out of town for the long weekend, so, happy camping/vacationing to them all I say.

I'm sure there's other stuff going on, but for now that's all I can think of. I'm still a little bit rattled and not quite on top of things mentally, but we're coping and it helps to have sunshine and long days.

Dis-Understanding

When I hadn't heard back from that last guy in a week and a half, I went ahead and deleted his contact info from my phone.

And I was in the middle of deleting his messages from the online site when I got a message from him.

"Sorry to be so delayed in getting back to you, am out of town, etc. Will be back at the end of the month."

So I messaged him back asking how things were going with his trip and I haven't heard from him again.

He's on the site very regularly, mind you. I just haven't heard from him.

So I guess I'm giving up on him, again.

There's part of me that wants to just politely ask if he's more interested in someone else or if he just isn't interested in pursuing anything with me or if he met someone while he was away (he sort of half lives between two towns) or if he's just ... I don't know.

I think that's the thing. I don't know.

I don't know why he's no longer "speaking" to me.

And I think, maybe, I'd like to know.

I mean, I can tell when we haven't really connected and I can tell when I'm not interested in a guy and I can tell when we have connected.

And each time I've felt like I've connected with a guy via on line, it hasn't worked out.

Chad was the closest I got, four or five dates over a span of a few weeks and then he "wasn't ready for a relationship."

The other guys I connected well with were "seeing someone else" or whatever it was and let me know right away.

This particular guy is the first one where we've both really connected and then he just....didn't follow up.

Even though, in the end, it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be and all that reassuring stuff we tell ourselves when we're rejected, but still. What I do not understand about this on line dating experience that I've had is how to judge how things are going.

Because, obviously, I have no idea.

I know we can't all fall in love with each other and it's partly a numbers game and partly a luck thing and part chemistry and blah blah blah blah blah, but my mother insists I'm "doing something wrong" and I just couldn't tell you what it is.

All I know, is it doesn't seem like I'm going to be one of those statistics of people who meet their spouse through an online dating site.

Which means I have to find some other way, some real life way of meeting them and I can't seem to figure that one out either.

So it kind of feels like maybe now would be a good time to declare myself an Old Maid. (Minus the old because that just seems mean.) Maid.

What's the female equivalent of "Confirmed Bachelor" anyway?

Better Now

I was thinking the other day (while on the treadmill, which is, next to the shower, a place where a lot of good, unthinking thinking happens if you know what I mean) about the kind of men I've been attracted to.

In high school, I was attracted to the stoner/skater type (for lack of a better term.) Them, and the gorgeous, older guys; the grade 12 jocks, rock and rollers, completely unavailable ones. Both types were boys I couldn't get. Or didn't think I could get anyway, and I think in high school that matters more than you know at the time.

But those "stoner" boys, they were also just a little on the edge. They didn't care about how they were supposed to look or what they were supposed to be doing, they just did their own thing and I think that's what got me. That they were so carefree in my eyes. That they grew their hair long and didn't wear whatever it was the cool kids were supposed to wear.

In University, I was (perhaps once again) attracted to the bad boys. Well, in first year anyway. (Not sure what I was attracted to after that, as that relationship dragged along with me through my entire first degree.) Not the stoner/skaters this time, but the boys who were still on the fringe. The boys who hung at the edges of a party and smoked. (Smoking was outrageously bad in my eyes. Still is. I strongly strongly dislike smokers. Can't be around cigarettes.) These were the boys who skipped classes and were first to arrive at the pub and last to leave. These were boys who would casually throw their arm over your shoulder in a way that was both possessive and non-committal.

I nearly slept with a bad boy that I hated passionately. I disliked everything about him and that powder keg got ignited one night and everyone just left the room and we tore each other's clothes off.

It was his best friend I wanted though and his best friend I dated for the rest of the year. His best friend who ruined the best years of my youth. Nay, the best friend I couldn't let go of, thereby wasting so much of the best years of my youth on him, his issues, and our tattered, unhealthy relationship.

Now?

Well, if DD and Bird are anything to go by, I still have something of a draw to the bad boys. To the ones who hang at the fringe and live just a little outside of what's expected.

But Smith wasn't. And Chad wasn't. And my other lovely boyfriends weren't. The one I nearly married wasn't.

So what *am* I attracted to now, was what I found myself thinking the other day.

And all I could put it down to was "a certain twinkle in the eye."

It's something like a mischievous smile. A smile that goes all the way to the eyes and crinkles just the corner of them. And if they were a caricature, there'd be a twinkle in the corner, and they might just wink at you.

It's a something that says I am good. I am happy. I will make you laugh. And smile. And I will make your insides churn and flutter.

A certain twinkle in the eye.

That's what I go for now.

The Online Thing

I think, really, I'm only going to keep a profile on an online dating site for my own amusement.

Well, "amusement" is not really the right word. More for the novelty and "I'm bored, I should go check out some profiles"-ness of it than anything else.

I do not enjoy the process of cold meeting someone, and the times I've done it, other than Chad, it hasn't ever gone anywhere. And even that didn't go anywhere.

I suppose, in real life, dating's like that anyway, you throw more back than you catch, but I've never been the dating type.

I meet a guy (party, social event, friend's place, etc.) and we connect and we go out and we're together.

Sure, still sometimes I meet a guy (party, social event, friend's place, etc.) and we connect and go out and it doesn't work out but more often than not it has. For me.

I could get all mathematical and do charts and analyze all the factors/whatevers, but really I think I can say that online dating does not work for me. I don't meet the right guys and even when I do meet guys, my game's thrown off and I'm not myself because it's such an artificial way to do it.

The unfortunate thing about this decision, is that I still don't meet guys in my day to day life.

Spy caves are, oddly enough, inhabited by very very few single men. And there are none in my spy cave. And I don't go anywhere else on a regular enough basis and my friends have run out of single guys to introduce me to.

So I guess I'm just going to have to keep hoping for the best real life can throw at me and I'll just go for there.

I'm not going to be one of those "we met on line!" success stories even though everyone knows someone who is.

It's not going to be me and I'm ok with that.

Unknown Territory

So let's imagine that I've met Steve and we hit it off (which, really, is what's likely to happen, I'm a decent person and apparently he's a decent person and we'll probably get along just fine) and we start "dating."

Now, I have to put "dating" in quotation marks because I'm not entirely sure I've really ever kind of done it before.

See, I've always just met a guy and then been in a relationship. Um, withsomesexthrowninthere. Pardon? What? Hmmm?

So the process of going on outings or dates or getting to know someone slowly over a series of events is a foreign one to me.

I did start down that road last summer with Chad. We met, our initial meeting date, and then we had another date a few days later and then we went on a movie date, and I was nervously anticipating how the whole "dating someone" thing would play out.

I remember being nervous about how I would know when a kissing moment was approaching and I remember thinking about introducing him to C-Dawg and seeing how they got along and wondering what he'd think of my apartment when he came over.

It was new to me and unfortunately, I didn't get to play it out very far, so the whole "dating" thing is still new.

So if Steve and I meet and get along and decide to date, I'll just have to go with what feels right and try to figure things out as we go.

I mean, there's probably no steadfast rules on how things progress (coffee to movie to outdoors to dinner?) and I'm sure each new relationship is different, so I'll try to just relax and see what happens.

Cuz I may not be great at being that relaxed, non worrying person, but I can always practice and learn how to be more that way, right?

Right!

Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.







Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.

Where'd He Go?

For whatever reason, I found myself thinking about the nice guy I hung out with in my series of "post-Chad" dates.

I'd forgotten about him (which is good to try to remember in the moment of feeling upset....eventually, you'll forget about the guy you're upset about) but whatever it was brought him back to mind.

I remember when we hung out and he mentioned how much he missed his family back East. I asked him where he thought he'd find himself in five years, here in town or back East where he grew up and still has family and friends. And he said he didn't know.

I remember thinking at the time that this was probably an indication that he would end up back there and I remember telling myself to be aware of that if things ever got serious.

When he kind of disappeared it was partly, in his words, because he was out of town... back East.

I'm not really sure of the point of this post, other than there's part of me that wants to say "I told you so." Like... I knew he wasn't someone who wanted to stop and settle and make a life here.

Or maybe it's just to say that he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company and I wished we'd kept hanging out.

Or maybe it's to say that it's weird when you think back and nothing went wrong, or nothing was uncomfortable and you both wanted to hang out again but things didn't go that way. And maybe it's to say that it's weird not knowing what someone else is thinking.

I think maybe there are a whole bunch of online dating site posts running through my head. I think you might just get a whole week's worth.

Which, I suppose, is better than the weeks where I've got nothing much at all to say.

Better

I had another date this weekend.

Not a repeat, but another new guy. (I know, right?)

After my last couple of "meh" dates, I wasn't expecting much but still had that frustrating nervous thing going on. We'd been messaging each other for a couple of weeks and he seemed nice so we decided to meet and go for a walk to the beach. (It's totally my comfort zone date, especially in nice weather.)

I liked him.

We got along and he was nice and we had a lot to talk about. It was, I think, the longest first date I've been on through the online thing. Usually I only last about an hour and a half before I'm tired and ready to go home.

I think we sat there talking about whatever for close to three hours and we probably would have kept going if it hadn't started getting chilly.

So it was good. Much better than my last two dates in terms of attraction and chemistry.

I'd like to see him again.

But I'm being cautious and not getting all...whatever about it, because you never know. Of all the guys I've gone on a date with from online, Chad's the only one where we dated more than once. (Ok, well, technically there was that guy who asked me out again a month later after he stopped seeing the girl he "chose" over me.) So I guess I'm used to not expecting to hear from the guy again because it seems to be easier for them to do that online.... or something.

But anyway, this isn't a wah wah post (like yesterday, whoops!) just... I went on a date, it was good, I'd like to go on another.

(And I'm trying not to get too excited, but of course we all know I am, but still.)

Guilty Conscience

I don't know how to start this post.

I've typed out a starting line a couple of times here and then backspace backspace backspace deleted it all because it didn't feel right.

I want to talk about something to do with online dating, but I feel like I'm admitting something I'm not very proud of.

See, I've been involved with this online dating site for a couple of years now.

For the first year I was nervous about the whole thing and so I just kind of lurked.

I lurked and I looked and I freaked out when someone sent me a message and I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Then I decided to at least try to work through my fears and spent a few months getting used to actually using the site.

I wanted to be kind with people and so if someone I didn't find attractive or who didn't seem like someone who gibed with me messaged me, I'd send them a short message back. Something saying "Thanks for saying hi, I'm not interested, but good luck." (More carefully worded, but that was the general idea.)

Most times I got a thank you back, but occasionally the guy would then try to strike up a conversation and I'd be in the awkward position of having to then ignore him, which always made me feel bad.

I found, during this time, that I would get really upset and hurt when a guy wouldn't message me back. How hard is it so say "thanks but no thanks"? I thought. Can't he even respond politely to my message?

After a while, I realized that this was kind of just how it worked.

If someone wasn't interested in me, they just weren't going to respond to my message.

Was I hurt by that? Of course.

But only for a while.

(And here's where I start feeling guilty.)

So I started to do the same thing.

Now, when I get a message from a guy I'm not interested in, for whatever reason, I just don't respond to his message.

Sometimes it's because I don't find him attractive in his photo (I feel the worst about that judgment) or because I feel he's a good bit older than I'd like to date (I feel pretty bad about this one too actually) or because something he's said in his message or profile hasn't sat with me the right way (this is what's weird about online dating, you're reacting to very very different things than you would in person and I'm not sure it's a good thing.)

So I guess lately I've been ignoring the fact that I do get attention from the site.

I get messages fairly regularly, it's just rarely from someone I'm attracted to and interested in.

I think Chad was something of a rarity (at least in this town....I don't know about other, bigger towns, but I wonder.) And I still am not sure the online gig is the way for me to meet a guy, but I figured I should be honest about the fact that I do the very thing that sometimes bums me out.

That's not to say I don't still get ignored by guys I'm interested in, I do and it's still a bummer, but it's also a guilt-maker knowing I might be bumming someone else out in just the same way.

And now I'm not even sure I'm making sense anymore so I'm just going to stop typing and be done with this post because the whole thing made me uncomfortable the end.

Babbling

I  feel like so much has gone on in the past month or so, and I've told you about most of it; Vince certainly.  But there's something that sort of set all of that off, in my mind at least, and I haven't sat down and typed that one out yet.

I guess maybe it's just a matter of actually doing it rather than talking about doing it, so here goes.

Do you remember in mid-November, when there was a comment left that threw me off, mentally, a little?

Well, after I sort of thought my way through, (and wrote out my way through,) what all that meant for me writing wise, I sat for a while, sorting through what all the comment meant for me, relationship wise.

Because what I know, that you don't is that around the time Smith and I were breaking up, I had a massive, unexpected, (unwanted perhaps?) realization that made me question everything about how I'd approached relationships, and really, sex.

The details of what I discovered and learned are not ones I'll likely share here (although never say never as Mr Beiber might say) but I decided I needed to change how I was approaching relationships, and that meant changing my "sleep with you first, ask questions later" modus operandi, and instead, meet someone, get to know them, and then maybe sleeping with them.

I think I took a year or so, honestly, after Smith to get over him and then to process what I'd learned about myself and my past.  Bird, if you'll remember, happened around that time, and I was very close with him, and somewhat baffled when we didn't end up sleeping together.

After that, I would meet someone here or there.  Through friends for the first while, but things just never clicked.  I wasn't interested in them, they turned me off, or made me feel panicky or something.  And similarly, when S convinced me to try online dating, I would meet someone and never hear from them again, or not want to see them again, Chad being the only minor exception to that.

A lot of that time I spent lamenting the fact that I just couldn't meet anyone, while forgetting that I was, in fact, meeting people and just not liking them.  Or, at times, I would lament the fact that I was meeting people, but they just weren't liking me, I was obviously unlikeable and that cycle gets really old and really draining really fast.

So when the comment was made, and shook me up, I realized that it was time to sit and think.  I always try to do that when someone says something that really really hurts or upsets me, so that I can find the truth or lesson or whatever it may be within what they said.

And when I thought things over, I wasn't upset at my writing, I was happy that I keep on writing here even when things are blue.  But I did start to wonder about my relationship "issues" and what part in that I might be playing.

Sorts, Out Of

I'm missing taking photos.

And I know the answer to that is simple; get back out there and take photos.

I'm also missing being firm in my exercise routine.

I was for a while, and then Chad happened and I got wrapped up in the drama (I know I shouldn't have, don't remind me) and then I had to move and I got wrapped up in the panic and uncertainty around that and then I was packing and work got busy and now here I am feeling lost and like I'm letting things slide, but also needing and wanting to give myself a break and letting myself be less than everything. Which is hard.

It's a lame excuse, but it's hilly around here and around my apartment it's super easy to just head out the door and walk to the store or the water or even just around the beautiful tree lined streets. Here, I'm not sure where I'd walk and I'm not sure what I'd look at.

And it's nearer my spy cave, so it's hard to tell myself to not just go straight home.

I should really just strap on my camera and go wandering after work, but all I can come up with right now is excuses.

This relocation is messing with my mojo. And my mojo was already a little bit off. And I feel like I'd only just gotten it back after my Dad's surgery.

August wasn't great to me and September's been a bit of a "get through it" month.

I know that getting back to taking photos and getting back to my exercise routines will help. But I still don't even have routines here, where I'm living.

I feel like a dog whose owner has taken away their dog bed and I just can't settle. I feel almost desperate for down time, but I'm not sure how to really get it.

Maybe this weekend will help somewhat?