Saturday, 31 July 2010

Mixed

Every time I see a certain type of motorcycle on the roads I look to see if it's Bird, even though I know as soon as I look that it won't be Bird, that it'll be a while, if ever, before he's back on a motorcycle. It makes me sad every time and it makes me wish I'd been just a little more dangerous with him when we were spending time together.

Makes me wish I'd picked him up from the airport on his flight back from Vegas, the night he'd later told me if I had picked him up, I wouldn't have been going home alone. Makes me wish I'd not bothered worrying about the what if's and the but maybe's and had just enjoyed whatever the heck it was we had or didn't have for as long as we had it.

But I also know we weren't meant to be and I'm glad for that. I think maybe I just wish I'd taken more time to enjoy his vitality and his Bird-ness. I miss watching movies in his arms.

Then again, I think right now I miss watching movies in anyone's arms.




In other news, it's a long weekend here this weekend which always sneaks up on me and that I usually only remember because I put Symphony Splash on my calendar and then realize that Symphony Splash is usually on the August Long Weekend, or close to it.

I love Symphony Splash and the happy crowds and the music and the fireworks and I always always cry when the orchestra finishes the 1812 overture and the boats have stopped honking after the fireworks and the pipers come out and my folks and I sing along to Amazing Grace with the rest of the thousands of people who've come out to appreciate live, free, classical music and our amazing, beautiful city.

Enjoy your long weekend if you're one of the lucky ones, like us, who gets one and if you're not, well, enjoy your weekend anyway.




P.S. If you, like me, haven't already discovered this hilarious twitter feed (brace your eyeballs for some swearing) and you want a good laugh, consider it my August Long Weekend gift to you. I discovered it a couple of days ago and haven't stopped laughing yet.

Happy August my friends. I'm sending you all hugs. Share them with your loved ones. Especially your closest friends. Remind yourselves how lucky you are.

Friday, 30 July 2010

It Never Be's


So Friday (last) started out so well, I knew it was going to be an awesome day.

I slept in (ahhh, bliss) and went for a morning walk to mail some....er...mail (because, seriously, what else can you mail? turtles?) and it was sunny and warm and I hadn't had any caffeine yet so I got myself a Slurpee. Nothing says awesome Summer day like a 10 am Coke Slurpee cooling you down in the sun.

But do you know what really tipped the morning into full-blown awesomeness? The two shirtless, amazingly hot guys who jogged past me, sweaty and gorgeous as I walked home. Ahhhhh, sugar, sun, and sexy, my own personal Summer trifecta.

I went over to where C-Dawg was staying and picked her up (so there would be no driving necessary) and we came back to my apartment, poured ourselves a summer-worthy drink and headed out on the town.

We wandered through downtown, people watching and talking and laughing and window shopping and then we headed to one of the local patios and ordered up a pitcher and some appetizers.

And that's when the real fun began.

You see, C-Dawg and I love people watching. And more than that, we love making up little stories about people and trying to guess who they are. We'd soon discovered that Friday would have to be known as "Everyone Looks Familiar Day" because I kept on seeing people that I thought looked familiar but I couldn't tell if they actually were or if I was just imagining it.

We decided that the couple next to us had just boated in on their yacht and that the guys across from us were all discussing their volleyball league's last game.

We also tried to narrow down which men C felt were too young for me and which she deemed "just right." Once we'd narrowed my age-group down to a ten year span she tested me to see if I could actually tell which guys were ok and which were in the "are you crazy, he's way too young" category.

I did not do well at this. (sigh)

As the pitcher got emptied, a table behind us became filled with a bunch of guys. C-Dawg, needing to "get out of the sun" (which we're pretty sure the guys could tell was an obvious ploy for her to be able to stare at the guys instead of having to pretend to look around and can I just say thank goodness for sunglasses and how easy they make it to check out cute guys?) sat next to me and we started to figure out the back story for these guys.

Later, C decided to choose which of the guys she'd set me up with and when she did she very kindly me that I could go out with the nice, sweet, geeky one because I'm a geek too at which point I protested until she promised she was a geek as well and it wasn't a bad thing. (Strangely enough I know what she means.)

At one point, the waiter came over and there'd been this on-going joke between the three of us because servers kept on trying to bring us food we hadn't ordered and I kept on making this dumb joke about it and then when C-Dawg told me the joke was getting old and the waiter laughed, I turned to him and said (and I quote) "Hey, I'm just going to keep saying it because it never be's not funny!"

At which point he suggested that this wasn't our first patio of the evening and I couldn't stop laughing because I couldn't believe I'd said "be's" and how as I'd said it it had TOTALLY been a word.

Ahhh alcohol, what silly things you do to my brain.

We hit up a few more places after that and went for dinner at my favourite place and then watched an awesomely bad movie back at my place. (Hi, I'm Victoria and I'm going to say the word 'place' as many times as possible in one sentence. I are a good writer.)

It was pretty darn awesome and I'm sure there's more I can think of, like how she wet-willied a statue and how she almost convinced me to give nice geek guy my number and how we sat outside the best ice cream place in town and convinced a bunch of other people that yes, they really should go inside and get a cone.

A good day, a great afternoon, a fun evening. It always be's like that with the C-Dawg. I can't wait til we get to do it again.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

To The Gigantic Spider From Last Night

Dear Gigantus,

Listen, when I am good enough to step down off the chair I'd jumped onto upon seeing you (even though you weren't on the floor I felt safer off of it) and open the window and get a piece of paper to put you on to therefore take you to the window and therefore outside, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just calmly step onto the paper.

Because when you jump around and escape like that, it means I don't know where you are and find myself back on the chair.

And if I then see you on the other side of the room, and don't even get me started on how fast you have to be to have done that and don't let me think about how you got there because I don't want to, and I attempt once again to get you to crawl onto my paper-to-window trolley service please just help me out here and get on the paper.

Because now I don't know where you are and I don't want to think about it and really, I was just trying to help us both.

So, please pass this message on to your friends, large or small: Victoria+paper=freedom.

We all need to work together on this.

Thanks,
Victoria

P.S. Another solution would be for you guys to just not come into my place at all. Just saying.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Check


I don't know when I first heard somebody talking about a deep-fried Mars bar but I do know that at some point my brain said "I want to taste one of those."

Well, maybe it was my stomach who decided that, it's hard to know, they usually just decide things and let me know.

I'd only ever heard of people trying them while away on holiday, so imagine my surprise when I was at a fish and chips joint nearby and someone pointed out Deep Fried Mars Bars on the menu.

So guess what I had for dessert?

I can now say that I've eaten a deep fried Mars bar, something I've always wanted to try. I think I was almost more excited to be doing the thing I'd wanted to do for such a long time than I was to eat it.

Also? It wasn't what I expected. And I'm not sure I can describe it to you either. But there you go; experience had.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Sweet

You know how buskers sometimes have those little signs in front of their case telling you why they're playing or how much their CD is or something like that?

Well, I came across an older gentleman singing some lovely acoustic guitar songs and as I walked by, humming along, I saw his sign:

"Raising money for a romantic dinner with my wife."

Awwwwwwwww!

You bet I gave him a few bucks.

So sweet.

I hope they have a lovely dinner.

Monday, 26 July 2010

Frozen


I have a ton to say and talk about but my brain is stuck on "bleargh."

I took Friday off and C-Dawg and I hung out and I have so much to tell you about that and the fun we got up to and I've had John Mayer stories starting to write themselves in my head and new things and life to talk about but I just can't get there.

C-Dawg leaves today. A flight tonight. I'm going over there later to see them before they leave but part of me just wants to not go because if I don't go, I won't have to say goodbye and then maybe I can pretend that she's till in town and I don't want to cry but if I don't go and I don't say goodbye and I don't cry isn't that a lie?

So I have things to say and stories to tell and crushes on imaginary versions of people to talk about but right now my brain is locked.

But I think I bought a new camera.

Don't want to talk about that either because that makes my brain go bleargh too.

I have brain freeze. But not the Slurpee kind. The "I can't go there right now because when I do I can't stop crying" kind.

This weekend was heavy and I hovered in it. Hovered not being the right word, but my brain's going "bleargh" so it's all I can come up with. Wallowed isn't the word either.

But it was a good weekend. Bookended with good.

Hard and heavy and sad and tears in the middle, but started perfectly and ended well.

Bookended.

I'll talk more soon.

Sorry I'm not making sense. You should probably just ignore this post.

I think I will.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

To All My Well-Meaning Friends, Acquaintances, Relatives, and The Like

Dear Folks,

I hereby promise and declare that when I *do* have a boyfriend and/or am seeing someone and/or have gotten married that it will be the first thing I tell you.

I'll tell you about him after I give you a big hug, or I'll tell you about him as soon as you ask me "How are things?", or I'll tell you about him when I send out the wedding invitations but until then, please stop asking me if I'm seeing anyone or if I've met anyone, or if I've found Mr. Right.

Because when you ask, it puts me in the awkward position of having to smile and make some sort of happy comment about the fact that no, I'm still single or no, I'm single again or whatever it is that I have to say to make it known that while I'm not in a relationship it's really ok and I know we haven't seen each other in years, but it's still ok.

So everyone, I promise to let you know when I'm in a relationship and/or seeing someone and/or getting married so you don't have to ask.

It'll be better that way.

Thanks,
Victoria

Friday, 23 July 2010

Bittersweet

How can you be laughing so hard you can't breathe one moment and then fighting back tears the next?

It's what they mean by bittersweet, isn't it? Spending time with your best friend in the days before she leaves to move three thousand miles away. Laughing so hard at the comments she makes about Frank while you're watching his confession on The Bachelorette that you snort. And then having to grab hold of the banister when you're leaving her place because she says something that makes you laugh so hard you can't breathe.

And then heading out to your car, taking a deep breath, counting down the precious few days that are left before she goes and telling yourself not to cry until you're out of sight.

Bittersweet.

Loving the time together but knowing it's limited. The last for a while. Whispering to yourself that it's not the last ever. It can't be. There'll be times like this again, forever; maybe it'll only be a couple of years and they'll come back. Maybe. Whispered promises you give yourself so that you can sleep. Whispered promises your whole heart hopes come true.

And then you make yourself think of something else.



My alarm is the radio and is pretty much the only time I listen to the radio anymore and even then, I usually just hit snooze once I hear it.

But occasionally I'll listen to a line or two before I hit snooze, or if it's a Zep tune, I'll listen to the whole thing, throwing off my morning routine of three-snooze-wakeup.

When I heard this song, I listened to the entire thing and then waited to hear the announcer tell me what it was called before I hit snooze. But I lodged it in my unconscious and later, looked it up and bought it.

I like it.

The lion made me think of it.


Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Perfect

So there I was in the middle of my really hard time, being carried along and emotionally held and comforted and strangely enough also emotionally torn up by John Mayer and his music.

As I've mentioned before, my first boyfriend was a seriously talented musician. He left his piano training to follow his dream of playing the guitar and we both poured a lot of money, time and energy into supporting him. I learned about stratocasters from him and amps and would sit and listen to him playing his soul into the strings. There is something incredibly sexy and sensual to me about watching a man pull music out of the strings of an electric guitar. If you break Stevie Ray Vaughn down into looks, he's not what you'd call traditionally sexy, but stick a guitar in front of him and it all changes. I've always called Tin Pan Alley my orgasm song and if I have to explain why, well, maybe you and I can't be friends after all. (No, we still can, I promise!) Same goes for so many others, and when you take an already attractive man and give him a guitar and a busload of talent, well, I melt. Literally and figuratively. So it's not a total surprise that as I was listening to these last two albums of John Mayer's, I found myself becoming attracted to him.

And he's not exactly an ugly man either.

All this is a massive preamble to explain why I think I had the sexiest dream ever that did not involve sex, but did involve John Mayer.

You guys, this dream was so amazing, I spent the entire day after it on a high. It felt so real and so right and so amazing. That's all I can say about it, it was amazing.

I knew at the time I would want to write about it so I made myself these notes to help me remember:

john mayer dream
asked over to his parents' house which he was visiting for a few days because of a birthday or something.
stone at front entrance.
hippy gorgeous older mom like on 90210.
we're so comfortable with each other
cuddling, making out, no sex.
me falling asleep on the couch in the dark while he played on the mic
his mom waking me up to see if i wanted to stay or go home
me being embarrassed that she thought i was "staying over"
listening to him play in the dark as the light grew outside.
watching him pack his gear into his van (he'd brought it for the celebration from his tour)
believing him when he said i was the only one he wanted
knowing i trusted him on tour and wasn't jealous
what a great guy he is and how much i love him
such a great feeling.


I was so happy that morning, it was like I'd lived it and looking at these notes I can vividly remember the dream.

John had come home for a birthday mid-tour and we'd been together for a while as a couple, but had been apart for a few weeks due to the tour, so I was really looking forward to seeing him. The house he came back to was his parents house (and I think I recognize it as a really nice house that belonged to a friend of mine back home when I was growing up.) but it was all grey and blue tones because the dream was happening after the party in the late evening. Everyone had gone home, but John still had his gear set up since he and the band had played a few songs during the party with me just sitting in the corner watching and smiling like a loon, so happy to be watching him play, but even happier to be in the room with him and feeling my stomach flutter each time he'd look up and catch my eye with that glint in his and give me a little smile or wink. Knowing we were sharing something special and just between us even while he was giving the show to everyone.

His Mom, in this dream, was this gorgeous, tall, thin long haired hippy-type woman who gave off this amazing energy and made you smile just by being around her. (I'd been watching 90210 obviously and was probably thinking of this woman; Ivy's Mom. Ok, can we pretend I didn't just tell you I watch 90210 now? Kthnks.)

Overwhemingly in this dream was the feeling of how comfortable we were with each other, John and I. There was no worry or wondering, just the comfort of being with each other and not having to try and not having to talk, just so so comfortable with and around each other and with our relationship and where we were at.

The dream didn't involve sex, there was one point when I was lying on the couch watching him play after the party when he came over and sat down with me and we cuddled and kissed and it was gentle and sexy and hot all at the same time. But there was also the knowing that the urgency we felt while touching was good and that we'd get to it, just not then. Lying in his arms was enough, the smell of him, his warmth, snuggling up against him. And then him heading back to the mic to sing and play quietly, maybe he was working on new songs, but I just lay there blissfully happy and content and I guess I drifted off in the dark listening because next thing I knew, his mom was there, gently waking me and asking if I wanted to stay or if I needed a lift home.

And I remember blushing and being embarrassed that she was asking, because even though she must have known the two of us had been together, I didn't want her knowing we were or thinking of us doing it under her roof and it was funny because it was *me* who was embarrassed, I knew she just wanted to make sure I was safe and comfortable and had a bed to sleep in if I wanted it instead of a couch and she knew that her son was so involved in his music that he might not have thought of it, but I told her no, no thank you, I wasn't going to be staying over because for some reason it was important that she didn't think of me as the girl who was sleeping with her son.

So she went off to bed and I sat there in the dark of the room listening to him play and watching him and we were there all night and dawn came and I could see it getting lighter, but one of the reasons I hadn't wanted to go was that this was his last night in town and we both knew it. So I stood leaning against the stone door as he packed his gear back into his van to take to the airport to head back touring. And once the van was loaded, he came over and took me in his arms and told me I was the only girl he wanted and I knew he meant it and I just knew with all of me that it was true. I knew I didn't have to worry about him on tour; that I wasn't jealous, didn't worry about all the girls and celebs he'd see and all the offers he'd get, I trusted him and it was an amazing feeling. And as he headed off and I headed back home (I think I walked, or rode my bike or something) I remember thinking what a great guy he is and just how much I love him. It was the most amazing feeling being in love with him and having him love me just as much. We had this most incredible relationship and the feeling of it was everything I've ever wanted.

I swear, I was high on the dream for days. I couldn't stop the lovey dovey feeling all day and it didn't leave me for a few days.

Until I made the mistake of telling a co-worker that I'd decided I was going to marry John Mayer.

"He's a douche." he said. "He dated Kristin Cavallari. And has those ridiculous tattoos. Total douche. You can't marry him."

I felt like crying. Partly because he was being so awful about my love, the dream was still lingering in my mind, and partly because of the crashing, crushing reality that I would never have this relationship with this man. I wanted to shout at him that he didn't know John like I did and that he was the most amazing man and that the media just showed only his bad side but I realized I was defending a man I'd met in a dream so all I said was "I don't think he dated Kristin Cavallari you know." but it hurt.

John Mayer doesn't know I exist. Won't ever know I exist most likely. Unless somehow this post makes its way to him and he reads it and decides to track me down and we fall in love and it all works out and we make it work and it turns out just like I dreamed it. Unless that happens he's going to keep on dating celebrities and the women who come across his path. Not me. We're nowhere near each other's worlds and that broke my heart.

Which is how I found myself crying over a relationship I'd never been in. Crying over a dream that had felt so real and had filled me up with comfort and love and companionship and understanding and knowing.

I felt what it felt like to have that true, pure love and it was sad to have it all come crashing down when confronted with reality.

And then looking at the parts of him that aren't attractive and the things you can find about him on line that don't cast him in a flattering light (although, really, if all our lives were taped and followed and dissected as much, none of us would come out unsmeared and perfect) and it was sad to see him as less than the perfect person I'd been so in love with in my dream. The John Mayer I know and listen to and fell in dream love with doesn't exist. So I don't exist in his world (and can I tell you how much it broke my heart all over again to see him linking to a blog he reads where the girl writes about being single and all I could think was...well, so do I, why can't he read mine now I'll never exist in his world) and he doesn't exist at all, but some version of him is real and is an amazingly talented musician and I love his writing and singing and lyrics and stories. But my true love doesn't exist outside of my imagination.

It was nice, for a while though, to have it all so perfect.

If only.


Post Script, edited to add: And then, the same day I write this, he writes this and I think, all over again, maybe....just maybe. Even though it's really really really unlikely.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

John

A while back when I was going through a rough time, or I suppose, a longer than usual rough time, I found myself listening to the same songs over and over again. John Mayer songs.

I've always liked John Mayer, ever since his first album came out and I've been following him on twitter for a while, and then on his site and somewhere in the combination of watching and listening to him create his new album and these two or three videos (each of which I've watched over and over and over) I realized that a) I hadn't actually purchased (or listened to) his last two albums though I really liked a lot of the songs from Continuum and had heard great things about Battle Studies and b) something inside me was drawn to the artist and the process and the art. (My first love was a blues/rock guitar player so I may have a bit of a weakness...)

So I bought them both and started listening to them. I knew most of the songs on Continuum already (thank you So You Think You Can Dance) and was already in love with them but the songs I didn't know and the new songs from Battle Studies were a revelation. It wasn't so much like I felt like he was singing to me or singing my songs, it was just that for the first time with an artist, I felt like I could feel his soul through his music.

Sure, part of that must be connecting to the songs from my own experience as well, but something about having seen the videos and feeling like maybe the tour life was lonelier than we might all imagine and hearing the heartbreak he'd gone through hit me really hard.

I made a CD of my favourite 20 or so songs (most from Battle Studies and Continuum, but one from Heavier Things too) and put it in my car. And I played it non stop. On the way to work, on the way back from work. Any time I drove I listened to the songs. I'd come home and play them in the background, they were what I listened to when I went for a walk or to the gym, they were all I listened to.

Some bizarre feeling of it being my music sung by this person who'd somehow gotten inside my heart and somehow had shared his life and love and soul with me without ever having to meet me was overwhelming. I would hit a few of the songs on replay over and over, (listen, just listen to what he does at about 3:15...GENIUS! A break your heart because you know how he feels and he's *singing* it to you and how do you let yourself be that open?) sometimes for the entire drive.

There were a good few weeks, maybe even a month or so where these songs were the soundtrack of my life. I was so hurt and sad and in the sadness and the songs just worked. Fit. Perfectly.

Eventually I had to stop listening to them and force myself to listen to something else to help pull me out of my funk, and I did. But not before I had the most amazing dream about him and then had my heart broken.





P.S. These two videos break my heart over and over and over. I don't know if it's because it's an insight into a world I know nothing about or if it's because I see the world as being inherently lonely and John Mayer as stuck inside that loneliness. Or maybe that's just me projecting my own sadness and loneliness. Who knows. I just like em. Lots.


Battle Studies Winter Tour Video



A Life in the Day - John Mayer - Vimeo

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

I Know This One!

Hey, do you know what's really fun?

Playing Music Bingo at a local pub with a bunch of people you don't know except for the one friend from work you went with!

No, but seriously, the music bingo thing was hilarious and a ton of fun. I didn't know what to expect, and for some reason my brain got stuck on the idea that it was music trivia, not bingo, so I felt silly when they handed out the BINGO cards and daubers and I was all "Um, what do you do?"

Yes, that's right, I asked how to use a Bingo card. (Fortunately everyone had had a lot of drinks before we got there so I don't think they noticed. Whew)

But anyway, if you've never played music bingo before (like me!) it's totally fun. You get a card that has a musical theme to it (50s music, 60s and 70s, 90s, Classic Rock, etc.) and instead of numbers, the bingo squares have a song title and the artist that sung it. Then they bring out an announcer who does the whole Bingo calling part "Under the B ladies and gentlemen, this is under the B." And then a song clip comes on and you have to figure out what song it is and then see if you have it on your card.

And you have that feeling of *knowing* the song but maybe you just can't quite get to the name yet but OH, yep, there it is; "Jump Jump" by KrissKross and so you check your B line and then help your drunk neighbour check theirs and then you high five each other for being so smart and then the announcer comes back with "Under the O this time folks, under the O" and it starts all over again.

I never did find out what you won when you got two rows because our table never won. Oh, sure, we got close to winning, but never a win. Guess we'll just have to go back and give it another try one of these days.

But, yeah, if they do anything like this in a pub near you, totally try it out. It's fun! (And if you're not great with music, bring along a friend with an iPhone and that amazing Shazam app that blows my mind. Unless you think that's cheating. In which case, just bring along your music savvy friends!)

Monday, 19 July 2010

The Quote Of The Weekend


There was a pretty cool car show in the inner harbour yesterday. (Well, ok, it wasn't IN the inner harbour, because that would mean the cars were underwater, duh, it was around the inner harbour, right around the Empress and Parliament buildings and well, you really only know where I'm talking about if you've been here so nevermind) So, yeah, there was a car show in town yesterday.

I had just gotten down there and was drooling over the cars (click on the photo to go to my flickr stream and see some more cool car type pics. I still have another hundred or so to sort through that aren't up yet!) when I overheard this little boy (probably three or four) in a stroller asking his Mom what was *the* cutest thing ever and my most favourite quote of the weekend:

"Is that one a transformer?"

And as if that wasn't cute enough, when the mother (who I'm guessing had heard this more than a few times already that morning) said "No sweetie, that one's not a transformer." he then looked at the next car over thoughtfully and said "Well, is the transformer INSIDE it then?"

Hey, who knows, maybe he was on to something! (insert cool transformer noise here)

Saturday, 17 July 2010

So, Um, Yeah

How's the weather round your parts these days?

We had a super hot week with a couple of scorchers and then it was just hot and then it got super, like super windy and now it's settled down to perfect, warm-hot with just the right amount of cool when you need it summer weather.

What about youse?

(Yes, I'm changing the subject. I'm allowed)

Friday, 16 July 2010

Heart. Breaking.


I've been avoiding talking about this because I a) value the privacy of the friends I do talk about here and b) I keep hoping it won't happen, but you guys? My very dear friend C (she who requested the nickname C-dawg and keeps me laughing and sane and happy and entertained) is moving.

She's moving very soon, and I've known this day was coming for more than a year, but I've been doing my best to not dwell on it until it was here. And now it's here. And my heart is breaking.

I know, I know, she's happy and healthy and alive and well and the move will hopefully be a good one for her and her family, but it still hurts.

I'm crying even now, just thinking about it.

See, we talk every day pretty much and we hang out a lot. Sometimes it's hilarious and debaucherous (which apparently isn't a word) and sometimes it's hilarious and mellow and sometimes it's just "can you come hang out and keep me company because I had a rough day." But it's also knowing that she understands the spy-work world and that we can talk about our good and bad days and I really really don't know what I'm going to do without her here.

Yes, there's the telephone and Skype and airplane tickets and things, but it's going to be different. And it's going to be hard. And I'm trying so hard to be supportive and to remember that she's hurting too and her family's going to miss her too and it's not all about me, but that's what my blog's there for; to talk about the stuff that's all about me and you guys I'm really really sad.

Sometimes I just want to grab her and yell at her "PLEASE DON'T GO!" until she changes her mind, and well, I may have done something like that minus the yelling and grabbing but it's not fair of me to want to do that. Not more than once, anyway.

I don't want her to go and she's going and I don't want to miss her but I will and I don't want to feel like there's a big C-sized hole in my life, but there will be.

I don't like mourning and I don't like loss and I know that both are inevitable in life, but it doesn't mean I have to like them.

I wasn't going to mention anything about it here, because really, my blog life doesn't talk about my personal life 100% and I thought, well, maybe I should just keep it to myself and no one has to know any different, but now that it's here it's so big and I'm crying at everything and right now I'm really really sad. And I probably will be for a while. So I wanted to tell you, and I needed to too.

I try not to write when I'm too sad, but everything feels tinged with it right now. It's fine if I'm home, I can just cry but when I'm out in public and the move pops into my mind and the tears start it's a little more difficult. I've become pretty adept at looking away, taking a breath and stopping the tears. But I've also found myself crying and not being able to stop it in time. And everything's more intense in the sad-world. (My favourite dancer leaving SYTYCD isn't just sad, it's a ten minute sob affair. A main character being killed off in a book I'm reading isn't just a one tissue affair, it's a soaked pillow affair.) Everything's sad and I kind of don't know what to do other than just keep going.

Breaking heart and all.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

I'll Take A Jim Please*

I've been watching my way through The Office lately.

I know, I know, I'm late to the bandwagon, but I saw the British Office first and just couldn't make the transition, but a co-spy-worker convinced me to give it another shot, so I have. And I'm glad I did. (I just try to pretend the two shows aren't related at all)

I've noticed something though. When I first started watching, I found the theme song and intro so sad. Like a social commentary on the sadness of their lives and jobs and just....sad. But now I'm starting to smile as I watch the intro, it's the strangest thing.

Maybe all the laughs I'm getting from the show are pavlovian dog-ing me into laughing when I hear the theme. That's probably it.



P.S. It's funny. I wish I worked there. No, I wish I was a camera man there!


*And, yes, I do know what happens with Jim and Pam. I just am really looking forward to seeing it evolve. And double yes, I do know that both actor Jim and actress Pam got married in real life (not to each other, but still) and, awwwwwww!

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

The Missing


Every once in a while I get hit by this overwhelming (and unwelcome) feeling that I missed out on things.

That I missed out on some fun high school myth that I could have lived in if I'd only been more confident, less worried, and the list goes on.

I feel like I missed out on the dating scene in University because I kept myself in one really bad relationship for the first half and then a not so bad one for the second.

And same thing, if only (the feeling goes) I'd been more sure of myself and known (or even thought sometimes) that I was attractive and if I'd worried less about, oh, everything.

Sometimes I don't even know what it is I feel like I've missed out on. Maybe the engagement, wedding thing my friends have had, or the high school sweetheart turned husband or the buying a house experience.

And then I wonder what I'll be feeling like I missed out on ten or twenty years from now and how I can find that thing and do it so that I don't have to feel like I missed out. Or maybe it's not the experiences so much as it is the feeling I should be dealing with, I don't know.

I just know that every once in a while I get bummed out and wish I could have a second run at things. You know, that whole "if I knew then what I know now" sort of idea. (Except, I don't want to go back and do high school again, but sometimes I think I would like to go back now and kick some snooty girl, mean boy butt. And take more fine arts courses. And mechanics. And cooking. In fact, I think I'll go back and re-do high school and take no academics at all. Just electives. Maybe.)

University. I think I did the boy aspect of it all wrong. I wish I had a re-do on that.

I sometimes just feel like I missed out on things. I wish I'd had more fun, worried about everything (and everyone) less, and that I'd kissed more guys. Lots more. Especially that one guy in Soc. class that threw that paper ball at me that one time. I wish I'd kissed him.

I wish I'd been less shy.

It doesn't get you anywhere.

Suppose I should learn from that, eh?

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Seconds

So we did meet up again, second coffee date guy and I. And I have to say, you guys, it was fascinating.

You see, for the first time, maybe ever, I didn't care.

Didn't care when he emailed. Didn't care when he arranged the date. Didn't care when he told me he only had a few hours. Didn't care.

So going to meet him, I felt relaxed. (I mean, not perfectly relaxed, I'm always a little nervous meeting people I don't know very well. Just ask S. I was so nervous the first time I met her I think I was shaking! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that B and S got married? YAY! *does the happy dance* ) It was as if I was going to meet a friend or a co-worker. That's how much I didn't care and wasn't bothered.

I felt no need to be anything other than how I was feeling right at that moment, which was mildly annoyed and wary of him, but willing to give it a shot.

So we went for a walk and chatted and, yes, we have lots to talk about and good conversation.

And when it was time for him to head out (which I reminded him of because I'm polite like that) he said "Well, we should do this again some time, you'll have to email me your number." (Which I'll do, if he contacts me again I suppose.) So that's a step up from our first date when all he said was "Bye."

So I guess I can recommend getting rejected by and then un-rejected by someone if you tend to be nervous and over-think dates. It'll allow you to relax.

Which in turn makes you realize that all the nerves and over-thinking you've done before other dates really was a waste of time because it's so much easier when you just don't care and have nowhere to go but up and aren't worried about being rejected (cuz it already happened) and it's like hanging out with a friend.

The downside is that the annoyed/wary/suspicious feeling got in the way of me being able to pay attention to any possible spark.

I seem to remember at one point thinking to myself (in a very remote, almost like a narrator talking, kind of way) "I can see how one could think he was handsome I suppose." So, yeah.

Went on second coffee date, haven't heard from him since. Don't really care. Would guess that we'll hang out again some time but don't really know.

So there you go.

Monday, 12 July 2010

As The World Watched


You know what kept on making me smile all through watching the World Cup final yesterday?

(No, it wasn't the cuteness of the players, although I was smiling at that too don't you know.)

It was the thought that all over the world, millions and millions, maybe even billions of people were doing the exact same thing as I was. At the exact same time. Seeing the same game. It was amazing.

I kept thinking of families huddled into small rooms; the game the highlight of their week or month. Entire cities in their town square holding their collective breath. I thought of neighbours or co-workers sitting in front of one tiny tv cheering and laughing or gasping at each foul, free-kick, yellow card, missed shot, saved shot, dive, tackle, just all of it.

To take a moment and really feel like a member of one massive human race, of the whole bunch of us all enjoying the same thing was a really cool thought.

I know not everyone enjoys sports and I know not everyone was following the world cup, but it's not about that. It's about how many of us were.

See you in four more years, world. I love having something to celebrate with you.

We're really not so different after all.

And that's really awesome.

Really.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Woah

Wandered into Chapters yesterday with some friends and a (I seem to remember) female cover of the Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours" came on.

Now, I love this song and was singing along in my brain when it came to the line "It's our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved." I though I'd lost my mind and turned to my friend whose eyes were almost as wide as mine.

Because, you see, Chapters had blocked out "God".

So the line was "It's our (blank) forsaken right" The two of us were stunned. "Did you hear that?" we kept saying to each other "They blanked out God! They blanked out GOD!"

The third of us came running back from the washroom, "Did you guys hear that?" We stood there huddled in amazement and my jaw fell even further to the floor when she told me they'd also blanked the "damn"s out of the song too.

The whole thing kind of blew my mind in a fascinated with people kind of way.

I still don't quite know what to think.

I'm sure those words would offend some people, but did Chapters think they would offend enough people that they didn't want them played in their store? And if so, why didn't they just not play the song.

Maybe you had to be there, but dude. Mind = blown.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Guys?


I'm sure I've mentioned it eleventy billion times before, but I'm not a fan of the on line dating experience thing. And because I'm not a fan of it, in the year or so since S signed me up, I've really only gone on a few times and, if I'm being honest, even went so far as to hide my profile a few months ago so I'm really not that experienced in the whole thing and how it works or the protocols or what's typical or not.

I know some of you have more experience than I do and some of you really like it or it worked for you and some of you hated it, maybe as much as I do and some of you are neutral or have never tried it, but here's my question, mainly for the guys out there: When you're using an on line dating site, are you "talking to" (messaging, emailing, whatever the site calls it) a bunch of different girls at once? Are you meeting with and dating a few at a time?

Because for me, the one or four people I've chosen to "talk to" on line, I've really only been messaging them and maybe one other at a time. So, when I log on to the site, I'm only answering a couple of messages and then I'm logging back off.

I get confused and frustrated when I see someone has logged on and not responded to me. Or when I answer a message someone sent and then I don't hear back from them even though they seem to be on the site regularly.

All I can figure from what I see on my end is that people are on the site and not talking to me. Therefore, I can only guess that they're talking to someone else. And/or someones else.

So is this how you blow someone off? Do you just NOT respond to their message? Is this not rude? Are these guys talking to a bunch of ladies at the same time and so they don't have the time to message me or am I just low on their priority list or, like, what is the deal with all of this?

I feel like because I don't have the rule book I'm getting annoyed by things that maybe are just normal. Or maybe I'm getting annoyed by things that are genuinely annoying and impolite and I'm fully in the right and I just don't know it.

So help me out here, if you can make any sense of what I'm babbling on about.

Oh, and did I mention how much I'm *not* enjoying on line dating? (And if you're asking the question, well then Victoria why the heck do you keep doing it? I guess the answer is, that 1. if it works just the once that's all it takes and 2. I'm curious about it all and 3. it makes me feel like I'm at least attempting to meet guys since I don't seem to be doing it in 'real life')

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Splat.

So yesterday morning I put two pieces of bread in the toaster, went to put on my makeup, came back and found only one piece of toast in the toaster.

Now, I don't do well in the mornings because my brain doesn't turn on for several hours after I've woken up, so I just stood there staring at the toaster for a while. Then I looked around the kitchen (why, I'm not sure) and back at the toaster.

It was only after a good thirty or forty seconds that I decided to look on the floor next to the toaster, where I did indeed find the toast.

Apparently my toaster likes to shoot one piece of toast reaaaaaaaaaaaaally high out of the toaster.

Or maybe some pieces of toast just like to bungee jump without the rope.

And, yes, in case you're wondering. I still ate the floor toast. I was hungry.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Oh The Irony


Apparently if you get really annoyed at someone, like, so annoyed that you write a ranty blog post about the fact that you haven't heard from them in (insert ranty voice here) TOO LONG (end ranty voice) the universe will get a naughty look on its face and with a wink to the cosmos, will have that person email you later that day in order to make all the voices in your head that have been arguing with each other spontaneously combust.

Not wanting to send the nasty, grumpy, angry email that first came to mind, I sent a rather short, neutral one saying we could set something up for later this week.

So now maybe that'll happen. Or not. I'm not holding my breath for it, that's for sure.

But, oh Universe, you tricky thing you. You sure got me with this one. (Although, not really, because I think I've pretty much gotten to a point of almost completely writing him off, though apparently not quite, but all in all, could we stop with the ha ha ha tricks with this guy already please Universe? Thanks.)

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Comment Away

So right now Blogger seems to be having a major comment problem. Your comments exist, they just don't show up on the blog. Neither do mine. So please keep on leaving comments and we'll hope that things get fixed real soon like!

Playing Out

So, how, you may ask, did the second coffee date with that guy go?

Well, my friends, it went like this:

That? Is a big fat blank, by the way, a nothing, in case it wasn't clear.

Because since the message where he asked for the second coffee date he hasn't actually set it up. We've had a couple of short, friendly emails back and forth but I haven't heard from him now in a few days and he hasn't mentioned a *when* for this date.

So what this tells me is one of. . . well, three or four things I guess, depending on which voice I listen to.

Arrogant me says "Dude is so obviously not good enough or deserving of a date with me because he can't even be polite enough to email and set a time. If he's on the site, which the site says he is then can't he even say hello, or is he too busy dating five hundred other girls to bother?"

Always giving people the benefit of the doubt (even if they don't deserve it) me says "Well, he probably just has a busier lifestyle than I do (which isn't hard to do, really) so he's probably just busy and I know he's on the dating site every day but, hey, it's not like he's not allowed to date other people and be talking to other people on the site."

At which point arrogant me (who may also be angry me, sometimes it's hard to know) jumps in again and says "Oh come on! He's being rude! Kick him to the curb. Jerk knows what he's missing and obviously doesn't care that much. You want a guy who's been on one date with you and hurries to the next date with you. Not someone who puts it off and ignores it. Kick to curb!"

But then hopeful me says "Well now just calm down a minute. Maybe things aren't going as fast as you'd like but that doesn't mean the two of you won't hit it off and things'll progress from here, so right now, just relax and wait to see what happens."

And then some other me says "You know what? This has kind of pissed me off, I'm not great at waiting and I feel like he's been rude. It's possible I'm over-reacting (I've been known to do that) so if/when he does contact me again I'll go out and hang out with him. I don't think it's going to be more than a friendship thing, but at least I'll be able to practice "dating" a guy and it'll give me something to talk about so just be patient and don't get all worked up about it."

Then hopeful me whispers "But maybe it WILL be more than a friendship thing!" And the other me parts all sigh and roll their eyes but maybe one or two of them secretly giggle.

So I don't know how I feel or what I'm thinking right now except that I haven't heard from him and in my books that's not very polite, but maybe my books are too old fashioned for the on line dating world and I have to keep myself from trying to imagine what he's thinking because I can't possibly know that and maybe he's just looking to hang out and this really isn't a romantic thing at all but, well, I guess I'll find out one way or another eventually.

Assuming he emails me back one of these decades.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Long Live Long Weekends!


I hope all you North Americans enjoyed your "Birthday" week and weekend with Canada Day and Independence Day and Good Lord I Love Long Weekends Day, I know I did.

I was rather giddy with the extra days off and man oh man did it ever come right at the right time.

It may disappoint you to know that since I was so drained from the last few weeks of spy work and that silly cold that I actually went to bed at 9:30 one of these nights, so I won't tell you that. I will, however, tell you that if I *had* gone to bed at 9:30, I wouldn't have actually gone to sleep until 1 that night because I got to the mid-point of the book I'd been reading and all of a sudden it was un-put-downable and so my plan to go to bed early and get all my energy and health back was sidetracked by wanting to know what-would-happen-next-already!

But the fact that I *could* stay up until 1 reading and not worry about having to get up for work the next day was awesome and have I mentioned again how much I love long weekends?

So I hope you enjoyed your Canada Day or your Independence Day or your "I live elsewhere but still had a good weekend" Day and I hope you ate as many sweets as I did and I hope you got to take in some good live, free music and happy crowds and sunshine and general relaxation-ness.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

D'oh

Both of my teams are out of the World Cup.

What now?

Contemplating


I'm starting the process of wondering if I might want a new camera.

I, by no means, need a new camera as mine takes lovely shots and I know it well and really really like it.

Which begs the question, why am I then thinking about a new one?

Well, I went to enlarge and print a few of my favourite photos including the one you see here. When I got the prints (8x10) this particular photo looked awful.

As in, threw it in the recycling bin right away awful. Which made me wonder why, because at this smaller size I think it looks great and figured it'd look even great-er bigger.

When I started looking into the whys of the not-so-greatness I realized that my now (erk) nearly 8 year old camera is, well, nearly 8 years old. And not in possession of a massive amount of megapixels. (To quote my friend's child "Most cell phones have more megapixels than that!")

Now, not that megapixels are the be-all end-all of good photos, but I am starting to wonder if I might not want to get a new/different/better? camera.

I keep going back to the argument of the fact that I really don't need one. Mine is fine. (Heh. Rhyme. Time. Sublime.) But what if I *do* want to start getting into printing my photos, to give them as gifts or turn into cards or possibly sell or show or other things that make me cringe and scared? If I do want to do those things I maybe need to look at the fact that digital cameras have changed in the past 10 years and that maybe it's time I go back to an SLR and see.

Right now, thinking about it too much makes my brain go wobbly, but it's at least a thought. I'm thinking. Slowly.

Friday, 2 July 2010

OK

So here's what I don't know.

(Maybe I should clarify because if I typed all the things I didn't know it'd be a never ending list so) - here's something I don't know.

And, no, I'm actually serious with this one.

When a guy's writing up his on line dating profile, how serious is he about the things he's listing.

For example, if he says that he loves scrabble and would love to play scrabble with a smart, scrabble loving lady and I don't play scrabble because I'm not very good at it and have never learned to like it, should I not bother messaging him?

Or, if he says that he doesn't want to travel outside of the country for environmental reasons but I would like to do more traveling, should I not bother messaging him?

Like, what I'm getting at is when someone's writing up these things and they say they're looking for X, Y, Z and I'm more of an A, B, C, should I just keep on looking or what?

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Cheers!

Happy Canada Day y'all!

I feel so lucky to live in one of the most beautiful cities in this beautiful country and am very grateful that my parents decided to settle and raise their family in Canada.

To all my Canadian friends out there, I hope you have a great Canada Day and to all my non-Canadian friends, I'm officially making you an honorary Canadian for the day!

And now I go downtown to enjoy the celebrations and people and to, quite probably eat ice cream and giant pretzels and wear my red and white with pride.

Have a great day y'all, and Happy Birthday Canada! Joyeuse FĂȘte du Canada!

PS Here's some bonus Canadiana for you, eh?


Great White North: Topic Great White North
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.