Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Creepy

I got a phone call from the bank yesterday; someone had copied my bank card and they'd shut it down and were sending me a new one ASAP.

Now, no withdrawals or purchases were made so nothing "bad" has happened, but I feel all creeped out and weird.

I know it's not personal, and the lady I talked to said that most likely a bunch of bank cards were copied at the same location at the same time and that their security found out before the fake cards were used but still. It's creepy.

I don't know where it happened or when or how. (I'll be asking the bank for that info though I think) I've only used my bank card at legitimate places and I've never let it out of my sight, so I have no idea how this happened and it's a really weird feeling of having something stolen from you without even knowing. Weird.

I wish we could go back to using cash. Real money. At least then, if you were robbed, it was face to face.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Here's A(nother) Window Into My Brain


I'm having a hard time with the way I look lately.

And I know that most of you don't know what I look like, and those of you who do are good enough friends that you'd tell me I'm crazy to think negatively about my looks, but this isn't about making sense.

It's a combination of a lot of things (as these things usually are) starting with an off-hand comment from someone that if I'd just "die my hair blonde I'd be married." Which, ordinarily wouldn't have bothered me, but seeing as I'm currently a little sensitive about being un-married, it stung. (Plus, I've been almost blonde before and it didn't get me married, so the comment is one of those that logically shouldn't have mattered, but did.)

Then there was the announcement at work the other day that another (younger than I) co-spy-worker is pregnant and the comments going around the bat cave that it must be in the water and it just reminded me that I'm very much not in that loop. Again, not something that should have bothered me since I'm not sure about wanting to have kids, but as I've already said, this isn't about "logic" and "should", it's about me being in a tough space with where I am.

And I've had a slight slip in the physical pain area from pushing too hard and have had to step back a little. Which, I know (again, logically) is ok and normal when recovering from injury but is still hard and frustrating because I want to push and then sometimes I worry that this is what aging is going to be like; a constant struggle to balance and keep things from hurting too much.

Knowing that weight is a very sensitive topic, I hesitate before saying this, but I'm also having a hard time because I've put on some weight in the last little while of eating gluten and not eating chocolate (which would sound like something you'd lose weight doing except when you counter the cravings by eating a gazillion pounds of candy. Sigh.) Now, I'm nowhere near heavy and we're not talking about a lot of weight, but I also know how hard it is for me to lose weight and I also know it's my fault for choosing to just enjoy the time free of worry about what I'm "supposed" to be eating. And I'm worried that it's the start of something big and that it'll get out of control. There's also an aspect of But this is a big one for me. It's a constant mental fight. Knowing that it's not the end of the world, again, logically, but hearing the nasty voices in my head saying all sorts of horrible things about me and what they say I look like. It's tiring to be having to constantly refute the nasty voices, but I guess I can at least say I'm happy I'm doing that.

And then I've found myself looking at the way I dress and feeling like I look frumpy. Like I'm not showing off my body the way I could. Like I'm not dressed like the women on tv or in magazines or even walking down the street. I don't love shopping. I don't have money to throw at clothes. I don't love the way I dress, but don't know what to do about it. And I get tired of doing my hair and makeup but then I feel worse if I don't. And it sucks to feel like any of this matters, which logically (word of the day) I know it shouldn't and it's about who you are inside and whatnot, but that's not where I'm at.

The nasty voice in my head tells me I'm old and fat and ugly. That's the truth of it.

I don't know how many of you have a voice that tells you something like that too, but I can't imagine I'm the only one.

What's hard is when I start to find the truth in that the voice is saying. "Well, yes, I am older than I was last year, and I'm older than so and so and she's married/pregnant/engaged/gorgeous. And no, I'm not overweight, but I have put on five pounds in the last three months, so it's kind of like I'm heading towards it. And, no, I'm not ugly, but there are SO many prettier girls than me and more gorgeous girls than me and I certainly don't make myself look good so in a way I make myself ugly." Because then I feel worse about everything because the part of me that's meant to be sensible is siding with the nasty voice and so maybe they're both right?

So I fight it. I'm fighting it all the time these days. I'm fighting it and I'm working towards doing something about it, whether that be paying more attention to what I eat and why (hello emotional eating, how are you?) or buying a new bronzer so I feel like I've got that sun-kissed look which makes me feel like I'm presenting myself well, or whatever it is.

But, I tell you, it's tiring and it's hard and it's bringing me down.

I don't feel attractive these days and I'm bummed out about being single right now and I'm tired of the voice in my head telling me these two things are related.

How do you deal with feeling unattractive, or being bummed about being single? I'd love your thoughts and advice and hugs.

Monday, 29 March 2010

You Know You're Tired When

So a couple of nights ago, I was pretty exhausted and heading to bed early.

I had a couple of dishes to wash and once they were done, I reached over to turn off the water. . .

. . . and the light went out.

Apparently you can't shut off water with a light switch.

Just in case you're wondering.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Happy


One of my favourite things about Spring is the sound of robins.*

Robins singing to themselves and each other in the morning and evening.

I just love it.

To me, it's always meant warm weather and sunshine and being outside.

I don't know how common robins are around the world, so I don't know who else wakes up and falls asleep to them on Spring and Summer days, but it's awesome and so comfortingly familiar.

What means Spring to you?



*From about 25-35 seconds in is the call I most often hear.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Flattery Will Get You, Er, Um, Well, This Is Awkward

So, C-dawg and I had an interesting night out last weekend.

I mean, we had fun an all, but I also got asked to dance.

By a 60 year old man.

Seriously.

And when I told him that, no, I was fine thanks, he asked me if I knew how to "raise the spinnaker."

Which is either literal, in which case, yes, I do know how to raise the spinnaker in a boat, or figurative. If it's figurative, I'm hoping it's a type of dance move and not, you know, some kind of kinky thing. No, I'm not googling it, just in case.

Then there was the other older gentleman who asked me what we were drinking and when I couldn't remember what it was called (come on, I'd had a few drinks, it's not my fault) but that it tasted like chocolate he snorted and said he wasn't going to buy me a drink that tasted like chocolate.

Which struck me as funny because I didn't know he'd been offering to buy us drinks. There's little old innocent me just thinking the nice old man's making conversation.

And then to round off our evening, as C-dawg and I were leaving, we walked by a very inebriated street person of indeterminate age, but certainly closer to 50 than 20, who very loudly expressed to us that "Hey, I'd bang you!"

So, all in all, I totally got hit on, but it really wasn't as flattering as you'd think.

Heh.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Self-Reflection


A friend of mine recently told me that she thinks I'm highly invested in being single, maybe because I'm scared of getting into a relationship again and getting hurt or maybe for reasons I'm not even consciously aware of.

I asked her why she thought I was invested in being single, when in my mind, while I'm happy enough being single, would rather not be single. That seems to make sense to me.

She paused and said "Well, you do have an entire blog devoted to being single. You even called it Advice From a Single Girl, not something else. You're invested in being single. It's your identity; who you are."

Now, before you get in defense mode and say that this was mean of her or harsh of her, this is one part of a conversation taken out of context to illustrate a point, so it's not about what she said, and I know her intentions were good.

The point is, could she be right? Even a little?

In my mind, I was going to write about being single and then when I became no longer single, the "single" part of the title,well, I guess I figured I'd deal with that when the time came.

As for being invested? Well, sure, it's easier in a lot of ways to be single. The pain is under my control (or so it feels). I'm lonely because I'm single. I'm sad because I'm single. I'm angry because I'm single. Etc. Whereas when you're in a relationship that ends, the pain isn't under your control.

Or, I suppose I should say, it's never been under my control. I've always been the one who got hurt, got dumped, got left and that pain wasn't my idea.

So maybe there is a part of me that's trying to stay single. I'm not sure.

I know a couple of you who read here have changed your blog names, and maybe others of you have and I just don't know it. So is this blog keeping me stuck in being single? No. But is there a sense of karma or bad ju ju or something that the title is pushing my way? Do I need to move this blog or re-title it in order to tell the universe that I'm ready, willing, and waiting to be happily married?

I don't know.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Dude

So, there's this new version of Scrubs that's kind of a spin off and kind of not because there are a couple of the old characters but mainly all new ones.

One of the characters is a total favourite of mine. I don't know what it is about the character but I think he's hilarious.

So, this Cole kid, if you haven't seen the show, you totally won't get, but there was a quote from last week's show that I burst out laughing when I heard it.

The guy had been standing in the same spot holding a clamp or something to see if he'd be any good at surgery. One of the other doctors came in and asked him if he'd been standing there all day and this guy goes "I don't know. I can't read old people clocks."

And, seriously, it's not really as funny out of context and not everyone loves the character, but man, I'm still laughing (out loud no less) at it.

Old people clocks. Heh.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

The Danger To Low Light Shooting


OK, before we go any further, you need to re-read that title. But you need to re-read it in a deep scary voice. With big Duh Duh Duuuuuuh! Type music in the background. Maybe like a public service type thing like, "The Danger of Drug Use" type voice.

Go on, re-read it, I'll wait.

Alrighty then.

So, I wrote myself the note on my "things to blog" post-it (an electronic one on my computer!) - danger to low light shooting.

Then when I went to think about writing the post it sounded very dramatic. The DANGER! Oooooooooh!

I think, really, all I was trying to say is that I love the time of night where the light's fading. Twilight, evening, dusk.

The colours are beautiful, things (especially at this time of year) smell beautiful and the light's awesome.

The problem? The light's low.

Which means there's not a lot of it. Which means things are blurry when I try to take a photo.

And I don't carry a tripod most days, so I get cool, but blurry photos (like the one above).

So the (duh duh duuuuuh!) danger to low-light shooting is the blur. Things that could be awesome awesome photos blur.

The end.


This public service announcement brought to you by Victoria's brain. The more you know!

Monday, 22 March 2010

My Life According To Garp. Er. Zep.

Dilling, (who is one of those who stumbled upon my blog way back when and has kept on stumbling ever since) (which I always find very cool), first did this awesome thingy a while ago and I've thought about it ever since.

So, here goes:

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions...try not to repeat a song title, it's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (Band Name)"


PICK YOUR ARTIST:
Led Zeppelin baby!

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE:
Living Loving Maid ( She's Just a Woman )

DESCRIBE YOURSELF:
Whole Lotta Love

HOW DO YOU FEEL:
Ten Years Gone

DESCRIBE WHERE YOU CURRENTLY LIVE:
Down by the Seaside

IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO:
Going to California

YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF TRANSPORTATION:
Stairway to Heaven

YOUR BEST FRIEND IS:
All My Love

YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIENDS ARE:
Celebration Day

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE:
The Rain Song

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY:
In the Evening

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A TV SHOW, IT WOULD BE CALLED:
No Quarter

WHAT IS LIFE TO YOU:
Good Times Bad Times

YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
Bring It on Home

YOUR FEAR:
Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

A FOND MEMORY:
Night Flight

WHAT IS THE BEST ADVICE YOU HAVE TO GIVE:
Your Time Is Gonna Come

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
What Is and What Should Never Be

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
In My Time of Dying

YOUR SOUL'S PRESENT CONDITION:
The Battle of Evermore

MOST FAITHFUL COMPANION:
Heartbreaker

YOUR MOTTO:
Nobody's Fault but Mine



Fun, eh?

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Bass-Ackwards


So I've said it here before, every single time it's happened since I started this blog I think, but I'm going to say it again; yes for the second time in a week. . . I do not like the time change.

I'm not hungry when it's the time I'm "supposed" to eat and I'm not tired when it's the time I'm "supposed" to go to bed and I'm certainly not ready to get up when my alarm clock insists is when I'm "supposed" to.

I swear, I've just gone through this entire week being confused by how late it is and how did it get to be that time already and then being not tired in the evening but super exhausted and unable to get out of bed in the morning and seriously? Why is this so much harder to deal with than jet lag?

Friday, 19 March 2010

I Did Not Inhale

Um, help me out here. . . is there anything else that smells like marijuana?

The reason I ask is that someone nearby, possibly outside my window, because I can't smell it anywhere else is doing something that smells like they're smoking up, but I can't see anyone or hear anyone and, well, there is one girl out there cleaning her car, so, is there anything else I could be smelling that's just pretending to smell like you know what?

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Put It On My Tab


So I have a crush on a bartender.

And, no, I'm not going to tell you where he works because half of those of you who live here will know him and the other half will say "Oh, yeah, I've seen him, he's totally cute!" and another half of you will go tell him you know someone who has a crush on him and he should date me already. (What? I never said I was good at math.)

C-dawg and I discovered him the same night we discovered Freckle-Butt and we both thought he was cute and funny and seemed like a good guy.

We went back a couple of weekends ago and he remembered us (which, of course made me blush a little) and remembered my name (even though he called C-dawg by my name) and he was still cute.

C-dawg had given him my number the first time we were there (I may have dared her to after we'd left for the next stop on our tour) so he's had the opportunity to pursue things if he'd wanted to.

I know bartenders and the like get hit on all the time and must get a ton of numbers, and for all we know he could be in a relationship so it's rather a moot point of why he didn't call me.

When I was telling another girlfriend of mine about the cute crush bartender guy she asked me if there'd been any flirting. Well, yes, there was, but as I told her "he's a bartender, of course there was flirting."

What I think is that C-dawg and I are fun to talk to and good looking. We also don't get outrageously drunk and that's probably refreshing for someone who spends their work hours sober with very drunk people. I'm, of course, a little disappointed that this hasn't turned into a whirlwind romance, but such is reality.

So I guess this isn't a crush that's going anywhere, but it's all I've got right now. What about you? Any good crushes going on?

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

I Have A Theory

After some preliminary studies, I've come up with the following theory:

To be a guy and have a dog in Victoria you have to be cute.

I'm going to continue my studies in order to validate my theory, but I think I'm on to something here people!

In other news: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

One Brick At A Time


Habits are weird things. You sort of only hear about them as bad things. Like that biting-your-nails habit or the clicking-your-pen-lid habit or the seemingly endless list of things you maybe don't know you do or don't notice you do or maybe you know you do but aren't sure it's bad enough you need to stop kind of things.

All that previous paragraph is a whole lot of blah blah blah while I try to sort out what you call something that's good for you but not a habit. Like exercise.

Because for it to be a habit, you don't have to think about it, it just happens. And exercise doesn't just happen. Oh but I wish it would, but it doesn't. *sigh*

Anyhow, let's let this post begin, shall we?

It's been about a year since I was in that car accident. What does that have to do with exercise and habits, you ask? Oh, everything.

See, before that I was going to the gym regularly. I was seeing cute boys and avoiding possessed treadmills somewhere between several and many days a week.

After the accident I couldn't go to the gym. It was frustrating but I understood that things needed time to heal and I shouldn't rush.

Even when I was allowed to go back to the gym things still hurt and I got scared. It's taken until now for me to get to the place where I can be back at the gym slowly and gently and not hurt worse the next day. (Yay!)

But on top of that, I knew I had to get back in the "habit" of going to the gym. I knew that I couldn't give myself a goal I might not be able to carry out because of injury or pain, so I wanted to give myself something I could do and feel positive about exercise wise that would still allow my body to heal the way it has been.

So, I told you back in January about my "take a photo every day" thing, but I've also being "doing some exercise every day" since the start of the new year.

And I'm really glad I decided to take that one on. See, I love being physically active and I love how I feel after I've done something, but it's sometimes (ok, often) very very difficult to get myself up and going. So I told myself that every day I have to *at least* walk around the block (which is more like four blocks by four blocks) which ends up being a walk of about 15 minutes. Which when I'm sitting feeling like I'm glued to the couch is doable. "Come on self, you can walk around the block, don't be ridiculous."

So I do.

And there are days when I'm dragging myself off the couch, dragging the boots or runners on to my feet and mentally pushing myself out the door. Hell, sometimes there are weeks where that's all I'm doing; mentally complaining about how much I don't want to do it and why can't I just NOT do it for once.

But then there's that voice that says "Well, *today's* not going to be the day I *don't* AT LEAST go for a friggin walk around the block because it would suck going to bed knowing I was too lazy to do that."

So it's great because I'm no longer feeling lazy or like I don't exercise enough but I'm also getting my body back into regular exercise in a really quite gentle way.

It's been three months now and I'm back at the gym two or three days a week. And the pain's still improving and my cardio's coming back (although five minutes on the stair machine just about makes me pass out thank you very much) and I'm sleeping better and just feeling better physically and mentally and emotionally. It's good to fill in the calendar every day with what I did; makes me proud of myself.

It may not seem like a major accomplishment. I haven't scaled a mountain or run a marathon or lost a ton of weight but for me, getting my exercise habit back after almost a year of not having it has been a major accomplishment.

I remember talking to a counsellor after the accident (because I didn't talk about it to you guys at the time but I was terrified of driving for a while and really wanted to work through that) and him saying that I must be upset that I'll never be the same as I was after the accident and that physically I'd always be weaker than I was.

I paused, looked at him and said "No, I'm going to come out of this accident physically stronger and better than I was before it. That's the only way I'm willing to see it."

He just kind of shrugged and warned me not to expect too much, but I think, for me, it's more about the attitude than anything.

So I'm happy to be back working on my exercise "habit."

Even if I had to start rebuilding from scratch. It's ok. It's worth it for me.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Whoops!

I don't usually find myself in this position, but I totally forgot to write a post for today.

Ooops, sorry!

I blame it on the time change.

It's *always* the time change. (Shakes fist at sky)

Saturday, 13 March 2010

I Have A Random Question For You


And I'm not really sure where this question came from except that this photo has the words "Mother Nature" in it and that made me start singing "Mother Nature's Son" and then I just couldn't stop singing it so I thought maybe if I asked you what your favourite Beatles' song is I'd stop singing that song and start singing a new one and that could be fun.

So, let me ask you. Because I love the Beatles and I love music and does anyone know why I'm rambling and apparently unable to use punctuation? But anyway.

What's your favourite Beatles' song?

Friday, 12 March 2010

Nickname

C-dawg and I have nicknamed a local bartender "Freckle Butt"

We have nicknamed him this because we think that his butt probably has freckles on it.

Because his cheeks do.

The ones on his face, people, the ones on his face!

C-dawg would also like me to tell you that she thinks Freckle Butt's behind would be a most excellent thing to bounce M&Ms off of.

This thought makes us both smile dreamily.

Not really sure why I thought y'all needed to know all this, but apparently I did. So there you go.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

They Should Make A Movie About Me


So I figure I'm like some kind of man whisperer or something.

Well, no, that's not quite right, it's more like I'm the guy maturer.

See, I just heard that Bird's in a relationship. Bird.

And Smith, of course, got married.

And the most irresponsible of my exes now has a legitimate grown up career and another has left his job and gone into finance.

It's like they break up with me and then go ahead and mature.

I think I have a gift.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Ah Me

So I'm kind of in an odd space these days.

Still sort of smarting from stuff from a month ago and alternating between wanting to let it go and move on and giving myself time to respect how I'm feeling about it and, well, still being hurt.

But I'm also doing pretty well in a lot of ways, I'm feeling good physically and enjoying hanging out with friends and so things are good in some ways too.

But I'm lonely too and wishing I had someone to cuddle, but I'm also not wanting to compromise for any reason and I'm ok if no one's knocking on my door but I'm not sure I am but I am.

So I'm kind of weird in the head and up and down and a little bit all over the place.

Sort of.

Half bad half great. It's . . . odd.

So, I dunno, this isn't a post that was meant to make any sense. Just felt like saying it.

Whatever *it* is.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Weird


So yesterday out of nowhere in the middle of the morning it snowed.

So, no snow all winter, but random snow in the first week of March.

And then last night I heard a firetruck pull up nearby and before I knew it there were firemen in the hallway of my building. Which was weird and cool and scary all at the same time and it was all some kind of false alarm but still. Weird.

So, what's next after firemen and snow. . . ?

Monday, 8 March 2010

Pants on Fire

So, er, this gluten eating thing seems to have turned me into a less than honest person.

You see, I was driving past a McDonalds the other night and although I haven't missed McD's in my gluten-free time, I was suddenly struck by the urge to drive in there and get me some really unhealthy indulgence foods.

Because I was feeling rather giddy, I ordered a cheeseburger Happy Meal and some McNuggets. And then for some reason, I told the guy that it was "hard to remember what everyone wanted."

Um. Even though I was ordering just for me.

I'm not sure if I didn't want him to know I wasn't getting the Happy Meal (with toy thank you very much) for a kid or if I didn't want him to know I was going to eat a cheeseburger AND the McNuggets all by myself, but dude, I lied. To the cashier at McDonalds.

This food freedom is apparently going to my head. What's next? A life of crime starts somewhere. You'll stick with me through prison though right?

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Away


Have to head off for a couple of days for reasons that I could tell you but would then just have to wipe your memory so really it's best I don't tell you (unless I already told you and wiped your memory and you just don't know it because I'm just that good.)

Should be back in a few days-ish, so meanwhile play nice and someone tidy up after yourselves. I've left the emergency numbers on the fridge if you need to call someone.

I think I've gone insane. That's ok, right?

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Oh My Gravy

I don't know how many of you watch the Amazing Race, but I just have to say, I LOVE the cowboys!

I think I may have to marry me one of 'em!

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Zzzzzzz


I'm fighting off a cold that's making the rounds of the spy cave these days.

I'm also exhausted.

The exhaustion is either good because it means I'm fighting the germs or bad because it means it's easier for the germs to get to me.

I think I'm not even making sense.

Maybe I should nap?

Someone wake me up soon kay?

PS Happy March!

Monday, 1 March 2010

Wow

Just. Wow!

What a great, happy weekend.

Not only did Canada have an amazing run of Olympic wins, including men's curling, slalom snowboarding, team pursuit speed skating and men's hockey (WOO HOOO!) but one of my best friends had a baby!

So really, a super, happy, exciting, fun, joyful weekend.

I can't wipe the smile off my face.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.