Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I Just Change The Topic.

On The Fly by foundimagination
I know that back in February when Jay mentioned that he might not be living in Victoria, there was this breaking point that I felt, and there was a shift.

So now that we've... met... I still haven't really gotten away from that.

I haven't even called him my boyfriend.  Yes, we're pretty much living together.... (ok, we are living together, but not permanently) and we've, you know, been.... romantically intimate in a way that boyfriends and girlfriends do.  And yes, he refers to me as his girlfriend here and there and we've said I love you and the whole nine yards, but I still just kind of mumble about him as "the... guy... I'm.... seeing?"

I mean, he doesn't know if he'll be staying in town.

And now that he applied for those other positions, it seems even less likely that he will.  So why should I call him my boyfriend if he's not going to be living here in town?

I certainly won't be introducing him to my family.  Not sure there's much point in my friends meeting him either.  I don't know.  I guess I just kind of feel like if I start telling everyone I have this great guy in my life, and hey, here he is, you get to know him too, and then he leaves?  I'll just feel stupid.

Maybe I'm trying to protect myself.

Like, maybe if I don't really admit that we're boyfriend / girlfriend, it won't hurt so much if he has to make a career choice that takes him away from me.  And if I have to make a career choice that keeps me here.  And if we both make our own life decisions rather than making any together as an "us".

Or something.

My parents and my brother have both asked me what's new in my life.  My Mom even asked me if I was still talking to that guy from online.  (I mentioned him at one point, before I knew he might not be able to stay in Victoria.)  Actually, my Mom asked me if I was still "subscribing" to him, which was awesome and cute.    But I just kind of avoid answering.  Because I don't want to lie.  But I also don't want to say yes, I'm in love with a guy but he may be leaving.

So... Jay is my .... something or other.

You heard it here first.

Monday, 29 April 2013

And Then

I'm sitting here writing this after another perfect Sunday morning with Jay.

(He's been staying here while things get sorted out with his work and life, I maybe haven't mentioned that yet, but, yes, he's been here, with me for a few weeks now, and it's the most delightful thing.)

I was sitting here, reading about how the winner of the Boston Marathon is going to donate his medal and possibly his prize money to the city of Boston, and I was struck by how touching that is.

And then this song came up on my computer, and I listened and I started to cry.

I have this time with Jay.  I am so blessed to have him in my life, and even if him being in my life is not him being right here with me like he is in this moment, he is still in my life.  He will still be in my life.  I love him.  I love us.  We love each other.  Why would I throw that away?  How can I not just let it fill my heart and fill my life from now and forever?

"And I am done with my graceless heart..."

I have love.  My heart is full.

What else matters?

We have these perfect weekend mornings together, and this Sunday was no different.  We half wake up, and cuddle in bed for hours, an indecent amount of time spent just being together, dozy and close and cozy in each others arms.  Then we get up and make breakfast together.  This morning it was back bacon and tomatoes, eggs and toast.  With a smoothie chaser since it was both lunch and breakfast all at once.

I threw on his hoodie, and he threw on his cutest shirt (so say I) and he spent an hour taking photos of something he wanted to  transfer to his computer, while I sat and watched, smiling away at his focus and concentration and handsomeness.  Just a quiet mid-day of nothing much while the rain fell outside.

Saturday, 27 April 2013


I've realized, being with Jay, just how much I love loving.

Like, to have someone to love just feels amazing.

I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you I sometimes have trouble accepting his love.  That I sometimes don't believe that he really does love me, but I know I have these wonderful feelings for him, and that they feel really really good.

I love having him to think about, to take care of.  To bring a glass of water to, or to think of and smile.

I still wish I had guarantees.  That my loving him was enough to make this a forever thing.  That his loving me was enough to make sure nothing was going to fall apart.

But that's, apparently, still just a Disney movie.  And so I have to constantly remind myself to try try try to just be in today.

And we've had a rough few todays, but we've talked things through like adults, and, we're still here.

And I love loving this man.  I really do.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Blurting It All Out

Along by foundimagination
It all started in August.

But really it started when I was 19.

Or 11.

See, I've been dealing with the fact that my hormones are less than normal since I was 11.

When I was ten or so, I was diagnosed as being hypothyroid, which means that my thyroid gland doesn't produce what it's supposed to, so I have to take supplements to make up for it.  Every day, forever.

When I moved over to Victoria, after high school, I had to change endocrinologists (hormone type doctors, to oversimplify) and the one I got here found a few other things out of whack with my hormones, including something she diagnosed as Poly-Cystic-Ovarian-Syndrome, which, she told me, meant I was infertile and would never be able to have children.

I fainted.

Terrible bedside manner, and not entirely accurate, but I went on birth control pills to control the wackado hormones and have been on them ever since.

Until August.

In August, I had a breakdown, sobbing on my mother's lap about how much I hated the fat I was seeing around my jowls and in my midsection (both areas that had always been thin on me) and that my breasts were just getting bigger and bigger and why was I having such a hard time with all this weight?

My Mom has wanted me off of the hormones for a long, long time and she gently suggested, again, that I try stopping them to see how my body reacted.  That often, weight gain was an unwanted side effect of birth control pills, same as boobies getting more gigantic.  (Not her words)

She also told me about an amazing service she'd heard of, a nutritionist/dietician who would meet with me, and create menu and meal plans for me, and my Mom offered to help pay for the cost of it if I wanted to go.

Which I did.

She came with me to the meeting, and to my doctor's appointment when I broke the news to my GP that I was stopping the pill (my doc was not impressed) and wanted a referral to a new endocrinologist.

I should really have told you about this before, but the nutritionist was amazing.

I told her my likes and dislikes, my goals and my skill level (no can cook!) and a week or so later, she mailed me my menu plan, which included a shopping list, (so simple!) recipes, and meal plans, including snacks.

She recommended I eat every few hours to keep my blood sugars stable and that I way way increase my protein as the meals I'd been eating had little to none in them.

I was somewhat worried how my body would do without the hormones it had been on for ... well, ever, but things went really well.  No crazy mood swings or wildly awful periods, just some skin rash issues and some hair falling out or breaking issues.

And everything stayed regular.

So when I went to meet the new endocrinologist she told me that I didn't actually have PCOS as I'd never missed a period (that I could remember) and that yes, my hormones may be out of whack again but that it wasn't a big deal.

The first half of a year on the meal plans was also amazing and my weight went down, and my energy went up and things were just tickety boo.

But in the last few months I've gotten lazy.

Especially at work.

I've gotten back in the habit of stuffing my face with a crappy snack whenever I feel miserable or frustrated and the abundance of Cadbury's Creme eggs these past months has meant I'm back at the heaviest weight I've ever been.

Which feels really really shitty.

So does the fact that my body has decided that it's done playing nice hormonally, and either I've hit a very early menopause, or I do, in fact, have PCOS after all and have just missed a period.  (No, don't worry, I'm not with child.  Checked that out already.)

So I have no idea what's going on with my body/hormones.  I'd hoped that going off the pill would magically make the weight fall off, but apparently it's not magic and I just have to stop eating crap again.

Which sucks, because I like me some instant gratification, I do.  So much.

And I guess I'll be going back on my "hormone helpers" just as soon as my body decides to stop hiding my "that time of the month" from me and well, gah.

I'm body-miserable right now.

Which is crazy, considering there's a man in my life who thinks I'm super attractive and can't seem to get enough of me.  And he's never seen me at any weight except this one.

You think I could just focus on that, no?

Thursday, 25 April 2013

I've Been Writing This Post For Most Of A Year

And it always starts with "It all started in August"

Which it did.

In some ways, everything started in August, although really it's been a longer time coming than that.

But I keep not writing this post because it seems so gigantic, and encompasses so many things, but really it started with me, looking at my face in the mirror, looking at my body, standing on a scale and feeling miserable about everything I saw.

That, and a potty.

And my Mom.

And a breakdown.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Spin Cycle

Spring. So Very. by foundimagination
The conversation/fight in my head:

Self:  This is never going to work and/or last.

Self:  Oh hush... just trust.

Self:  Um.  No!  Because clearly it's not going to work out in the long run and probably I'm just wasting my time right now and will waste who knows how much more time waiting to see how things play out with Vancouver.

Self:  You don't know that.  You don't know anything.  Maybe things will work out beautifully.  Maybe he'll be back in the Summer.  Maybe you two will get to see each other every now and then.  Maybe being apart will make you stronger and you'll both want to make it work no matter what.

Self:  Or not.  Maybe he'll go over there and meet the girl of his dreams and dump me and I'll feel like a chump.

Self:  Or maybe he'll miss you just as much as you miss him and he'll do what he can to come back.  Or maybe you'll meet the guy of your dreams and the two of you will sadly break things off.

Self:  NO WAY!  Because I won't be looking for another guy because I'll be clinging on to this relationship that clearly isn't worth clinging on to because if it was, he wouldn't be leaving!

Self:  Well, I don't think that particularly makes sense, but you know that what's meant to be will be and that everything's going to be ok in the end, right?


Self:  It's all going to be ok.

Self:  No.  It's not.

Self:  Yes it is.

Self:  No it's not!

Self:  Just trust.

Self:  Argh!

Tuesday, 23 April 2013


I have a few posts and thoughts and ideas in my head about Jay and I and the time we're spending together, but the time is all warping together and I'm losing the thread of what happened when so I don't know if anything will make sense to you, but that's just going to have to be ok.  Ok?

Right now, I'm wearing Jay's hoodie.

A hoodie that I'm guessing he got from his organization/company/whatever because it's got their logo on it, and I like wearing his hoodie.

I don't think it's just me, but I've always liked wearing an item of clothing from the guy I'm .... liking.

I remember Smith had a t-shirt that he looked super hot in, and when he left after his first visit I really wanted him to leave it with me so I could wear it, but he took it because it was "his favourite" and he looked "really good" in it.

I was bummed.

Jay went away for a couple of days on a work thing and I texted him with a sad face that he took his hoodie and I'd wanted to wear it.

When I was feeling blue this weekend about his ... job stuff... and he was heading out for the day he told me I could wear his hoodie.

So I did.

I told him that it makes me feel like he's hugging me.

Plus it smells like him.

And he looks good in it.

I'm also figuring it's one of his favourites so it won't likely be staying behind if/when he leaves to go to Vancouver.

And I'll probably be bummed.

Monday, 22 April 2013


Someone's Going To Be A Big Girl by foundimagination
Oh, you guys.

Don't get too attached to Jay ok?

When he got back, he let me know that he knew it would upset me to hear, but that he'd applied for two jobs with his company based in Vancouver.

And I know many of you will say "Oh, Vancouver!?  That's just a ferry ride away, you guys can make it work!"

And, yes, maybe we can.  I'm sure lots of people do.

But I just don't know.

I'm trying to be all zen and in the moment but sometimes that sucks and I just want to be miserable about the situation and the not so great possible futures I see.

I'm disappointed.

I understand.  But I'm disappointed.

And disappointed turns easily into hurt and hurt into sadness and rehashing of old, unrelated wounds.

So I guess I'm just saying, don't you all get too attached to him or the idea of him or us.

And I'll have to figure out what to do with the attachment I already have to all those things.

Saturday, 20 April 2013


Sometimes I wish I could read a book again from scratch, never having read it before.

Right now I'm wishing I hadn't read Feed.

Not sure why that trilogy is stuck in my head in particular, but I wish I didn't know what happens.

There are others, certainly, but that's the one that's stuck in my mind today.

What are some books you wish you could read all over again?  Like for the first time all over again?

Friday, 19 April 2013


Flying by foundimagination
I don't know if this next generation has any idea how amazing technology is.

My mind keeps getting blown with how cool things are. 

Sitting in a room with good friends and hooking up an iPhone to a wireless network to Skype video call with a friend in another part of the world and we all get to say hi. 

Jay, sending me a picture from the small airplane he's flying in, which... a) his phone is taking a really good quality picture! and b) he is flying through the air and his frigging phone can still talk to my frigging phone what is the deal with that?

These things still amaze me. I am still awe struck, and I feel lucky to feel that way.

I remember the first computer we ever had.  I remember when we got a colour tv.  I remember listening to the radio for my favourite song to come on so I could tape record it and being so frustrated when the DJ would talk over it.  I remember buying my first CD.  I remember discmans and how they'd skip so easily.

This upcoming generation (whenever a generation starts... I don't know) will have had smartphones all their lives.  This stuff may just be... normal.

When in my mind it's incredible, and amazing, and phenomenally awesome.


Thursday, 18 April 2013

Oh, And Before I Forget?

Hello long days.

I am madly, madly in love with you.

Still light out at 8pm?  Ok!

Hours of daylight after a workday?  Perfection.

You are my absolute favourite and you can stay around forever as far as I'm concerned.

For ever and ever and ever with cherries on top the end.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013


YYJ by foundimagination
Jay got home yesterday.

(Insert sigh of relief and entire body relaxing here)

I went and picked him up at the airport (he suggested we meet in a field somewhere so we could run towards each other in slow motion, but I couldn't think of one with long enough grasses) which was a different kind of experience, but not as awkward as it undoubtedly would have been if I'd met him at the airport for the first time.

I think it felt...weird because we'd been away from each other for two weeks after only having been around each other for a week, so it was a rather vivid reminder that we are, still, new in each other's lives, and don't know each other terribly well in a lot of ways.

We had some good laughs as the airline damaged his luggage and they took it to repair it (I didn't know that was a thing?) and so he had to unpack his luggage and chuck it in a giant, plastic bag.

Which was made even awesomer by the fact that the plastic bag was see-through, so everyone could see his undies, and then I felt like I was picking up a homeless man from the airport and taking him home in my car.  Come on mister, just bring your sac and we'll feed you and find you a bed!

I also had bought new glasses and wasn't sure he'd like them.  Not that I wear my glasses that often, but I didn't want to miss him coming out of the gate so I was wearing them.

Finally, on a lighter note, I almost didn't make it into the parking lot alive when I got there to pick him up.

It was a dollar to park, so I put in a twoonie (a two dollar coin) and when it gave me the change, the loonie (dollar coin) came SHOOTING out of the machine and like, seriously, shot under my car.  I... wasn't sure what to do.  I opened my car door and glanced down, and then half slunk out of the door (which couldn't open fully because of course it was close to the machine) and sort of tried to look under my car but couldn't see it, so then I had to slink back in to my car and pull out the ticket, but then the paper didn't rip and just kept pulling and pulling and pulling and I eventually had to rip it myself but it was already a ridiculous length and so then I parked just up ahead and tried to look for the loonie but when I parked, I noticed an attendant giving me a funny look so I just gave up and donated the loonie to whoever manages to find it next.

Things felt less "well, hey there person I don't actually know too too well who's also been away for two weeks with hardly any communication" once we got home and could cuddle and catch up, and it was great to have him back in my space and my bed last night.

I'm so so so happy he's back.  I'm not sure absence makes the heart grow fonder, but being back with each other sure does.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013


Things I do mindlessly that I really should do more mindfully:

Shop when I'm feeling not so great about things.

Buy something for someone because I think they might like it.  (This one doesn't seem so bad but I'm not exactly rolling in money, and it's not like we all need more things.)


Eat sweet things, specifically.

And salty ones.  Namely pretzels (but only two brands, the others are icky), and popcorn (which wouldn't be bad because I air pop it, but then I slather it in salt and butter because zomg so good.)

Bash myself.  Especially in front of other people / my friends.  I hate it when they do it, because I think they're so wrong.  So why should I do it?

Worrying.  About.  Everything.  (But especially things I can't control.)  (Which is almost everything.)

Snacking.  (Really, this is what I should have said instead of "eat", but now that I've typed the other ones out I feel bad erasing them, so I'm just going to leave them.)

Reacting.  (Over-)

Buying books.  (I did curb this for a while, but now have somehow managed to amass another overflowing collection of books.  Sigh.)

Spending (too much) time on the internet.  On my couch, in front of the internet.  Being on my computer in general. 

Monday, 15 April 2013

A Little Fragile

Fragile by foundimagination
There are times I feel like I'm walking a razor sharp, very thin tightrope like line between feeling ok, feeling good, or losing it.

Right now, as I type out these words, is one of those times.

I'm guessing I'll feel better once this actually posts though, once I've had a sleep and a rest, and am actually getting on with another (hopefully sunny) day.

I've woken up grumpy most days Jay's been away.  Not sure I slept any better with him gone, either.

Did, however, wake up with my teddy bear in my arms every morning.  Guess I've missed having something to hold.

I'm feeling hard on myself and angry with myself and unhappy with myself with one of the most first world problems there is... my weight.  And those feelings of unhappiness don't help anything, really, at all.  I know what I need to do (and stop doing) and I just have to do it. 

I wish something would go off in my head to make me feel like everything's going to be ok.

I suppose I just have to make it so myself.

Saturday, 13 April 2013


Something Jay and I weren't expecting was that we'd lose our two main forms of communication while he was away.

I remember when he arrived at the airport in Ontario and he called and said, well, I guess we'll just go back to messaging like we used to!  And I smiled and sighed a happy sigh.

However...where Jay is staying, they don't have internet (GASP!  I know!  Wait, who just fainted?  Are you ok?) and so we weren't able to chat at all and the data plan on his phone is limited as well so we've really only exchanged a short email here or there.

We've texted each other, sure, but that was never how we talked, and plus, I don't want to be constantly interrupting his family time and his time with his friends with a text.  Hi!  How are you!  What are you doing?  It's sunny here!  I wish you were here!  I just ate toast!

So I've been limiting myself... and it's felt kind of... blah.

I used to sneak to my computer at work and send him an email or maybe even manage a chat at lunch, and so the first day he was away, I sat at my desk and sent him an email saying, you're not there to talk to or email... what do I do with myself?  (And then I told him to not answer with "work" because, boooo!)

He's called a few times, which has been really really nice, but time change and late nights on his end and all the rest and, well, I've had a really hard time missing him.

We communicated every day while we were getting to know each other.  And, yes, we're still talking every day, but texting is far from an email or a chat or a video call.

I've felt very pouty about it.

But also like there has been a little bit of distance growing.  To have gone from months of constant contact, to actually being together, like... right there together, to being so far apart with such limited contact and communication has just made me feel... distant.  Not a lot, but enough that I've noticed it, certainly these past few days.

And it feels like it's been forever.

He's gone FOREVER.  Who knew two weeks could be this long?

C-Dawg chuckled when I said it was sad to go to my empty bed.

"Ahhhh, yes, she said.  I remember those days... Now when (enter her sweetie's name here) goes away I'm just excited about how much bed space there is!"

I don't care if I'm in the darn Honeymoon phase, I miss him, I wish he was here, I miss talking to him, and communicating with him more than just this and I'll pout about it until he gets back.

Which is, by the way, FOREVER away!


This has been unexpectedly difficult, and I'm feeling a little blue about it.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Leave It

Bound by foundimagination
I battle with anxiety (I prefer to call it worry sometimes), this we know.  And while "battle" is perhaps not the best word to use, I think it's accurate in that I don't want to just cope with or live with those feelings when they're vibrant and loud, but the trouble with battling them is that that sort of adds to the hightened level of worry, because now there's the added stress of.... am I winning?  Is it?

But anyway.

I'm trying really hard not to worry around things with Jay.

I'd say "worry about the relationship" but I don't actually have any worries there.  It's more about the other things.  Forefront... where might he live.

As soon as I start down that train of thought I get upset.  Anxious.  Worried.  Unhappy.  And that just triggers the other worries to come out and play.  Except they don't "play".  That would be too nice.  They come out and gnaw.  Snap.  Yip.  Harry.

They say that a dog "worries" a bone or a flock.  I get that.

I can't remember if I mentioned it already here, but one of my girlfriends (who clearly knows me well) said that when I met Jay, I couldn't think or plan or project into the future any further ahead than the number of days I'd actually been with him in person.  (Because, yes, I've "known" him for months...actually, we're in the fifth month Jay and I have known each other now.)  So the first day Jay and I met, I wasn't "allowed" to think any further ahead than the next day.  And the second day?  I could plan or think ahead by two days, etc, etc.

So Jay and I have really only been in the same space for a week.  Which means I can't think further ahead than a week.  I can't think about where we will be in Summer, or even where we will be in May.  Remembering this and, I guess 'forcing' myself to do this, or at least practicing this kind of thinking is really helpful.  Because my mind *wants* to jump ahead.  Wants to worry away at the bone of "what will the future look like?" and as much as I'd like to flip ahead to the end of the book (OMG Dumbledore dies?  WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?) and see, I don't get to do that.  And, really, haven't ever been able to do it in any relationship.  (Although, I didn't really think Smith and I would ever get over the whole other side of the country distance thing.... but that didn't take a crystal ball.)

Not letting my thoughts get too terribly carried away with themselves helps.

Some days, it just gets tiring pushing back against them.  Some days it feels constant, and like I'd really like a break.

You know?

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Goldilocks And The Two (So Far) Hats

Jay found it pretty chilly coming back here after being in much much warmer climes over Winter, so I decided I'd try to improve my (newly acquired!) knitting skills and see if I couldn't make him a hat.

I found a simple enough pattern (which I keep wanting to call a "recipe") and got the right kind of wool (yarn) and the right size of needles and I knitted away.

I had to concentrate (tongue sticking out of the side of my mouth kind of concentration) because it wasn't the simple, straightforward kind of knitting I'd done before.

I was supposed to knit until the... hat...like knitting (pattern?) was 25.5 cm long, but after a while I started to feel like this hat was becoming incredibly... big.

I took it over to my Mom's and she had the genius idea to measure it against a toque she had (why I didn't think of this is beyond me, I just kept trying to awkwardly wrap the knitting, needles and all, around my head) and, sure enough, it was ready to be finished.

I finished the thing and it didn't look too terrible and I was pretty proud of myself!

And then I tried it on to see how it looked.


Ok, well maybe not giant, but I have a huge head and hats rarely fit me and it was big on me.  So... a very large hat.

But it hadn't taken me a very long time so I figured I'd make another, smaller one.

So because the (not recipe) pattern hadn't really worked, I kind of tried to mathematically adjust and I knitted the new hat even faster (well, duh, it was smaller!)

And then I tried that hat on, and, well, wouldn't you know it, it was just a tiny bit tight.

I lay the second hat on top of the first one and it wasn't quite half the size, but I realized that I'd managed to make Goldilocks hats!

This hat was TOOOOOO BIG.  And that had was toooooo small!

I can only hope that the next hat is JUUUUUUUST right!

And they all had warm heads happily ever after.

Updated for you crazies who requested it!  :

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Triple T*

A Gift by foundimagination
So did I ever tell you the tulip trick?

Which reminds me, I haven't had flowers for a few days, and when C-Dawg got me some tulips for Valentine's Day I just kept getting new bunches and I really liked seeing them so I should go get some more shouldn't I?  Especially now since they're abundant and not terribly expensive, and what's that?  I distracted myself?  Oh.  Sorry about that... where was I?

So, the tulip trick.

You know how tulips tend to go all fall over bendy because their heads are too heavy for their stems and for some reason that makes me think of puppies who tip forwards into their eating bowl and uh oh, I'm starting to distract myself again, aren't I but, seriously, how cute is this?



Bendy over no good?  Fix!

If you take a needle (or I just unbend a paper clip) and poke a hole through the stem just under the head, magic happens and they stay upright!  TA DA!

(According to the interwebs it has to do with allowing "air to escape and water to flow through" but I just prefer to call it magic)

*The Tulip Trick!

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

I Don't Know What Is Happening

Either all my favourite tv shows are starting to use music dramatically in a way they've never done before or I'm just starting to notice it. a

And be really annoyed by it.

All it does is remind me that it's not real, that it's a tv show with a soundtrack and it's really, really bothering me.  It throws me right out of the show and into WHY IS THERE A SOUNDTRACK PLAYING RIGHT NOW?

Whatever it is, it needs to stop! 

(And, yes, I'm looking at you The Walking Dead and Shameless!)

Monday, 8 April 2013

April, Come She Will

Flowering Cabbage by foundimagination
And so that's how the first days with Jay went, the most intense times and the aftermath of it all.

I really wanted to get those first moments written down so I could always have them, and so I could remember how I was feeling, for better or worse and all the rest.

I like telling the story, have told it a few times to friends who've wanted to hear if I've actually met Jay yet, and when I say yes, they, of course, want to hear how it went.

It went really well.  So much better than I think I would have predicted, and Jay and I had a really great week together, with tons of laughs and great times and now he's off at far side of the country to be with his family and I think I'm missing him terribly.

Funny how that works, eh?  We spent months not in the same space at all, and then we finally get to meet, and he has to leave and it's hard being apart.

I suppose that's ironic...ish?

I feel like there's lots I want to talk about but it feels maybe private, or I don't know how to address it yet or talk about it, but that will come as I settle into having him back.  Er... when he is back (again!) and I suppose, figure out how we fit into each others lives and routines.

I don't know, I still feel like I'm babbling a bit here.  Maybe my brain needs a Jay break or something.

So, hey, it's totally Spring, eh?

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Still Wound

A lady doesn't (always) kiss and tell, so you'll have to just think what you want about what did or didn't happen between Jay and I that first night, but I will tell you that there was not a moment of the night where I didn't know he was right there.

He'd reach out a hand to wrap around my waist, or slide an arm under my neck.

His hip would be against mine, or his leg would slide against mine.

I'm a touchy-feely person, he's a touchy-feely person, it's a good combo.  It's nice.

At some point, I started to cry. (I know, sort of seems embarrassing, but I couldn't help it, it was all just so overwhelming and I cry when I'm exhausted, it was like a release valve in some ways)  He was really gentle and understanding and when he asked what's wrong, I told him that it was just a lot. He just held me until I'd calmed down a little and was able to curl up against him and sigh.

We woke up the next morning and had a quiet morning, before going for a drive to say hi to an old friend of his, and then a wander around the waterfront.

We held hands, and kissed, and laughed and laughed and laughed a lot.

Like, a lot, you guys.

Wheezingly out of breath laughter.  Crying tears laughter.

And I was happy.

My friends were texting me to see how it was, and I sent them texts saying "good."

They wanted more, but I felt like I couldn't quite give them more.

I was still so stuck in the overwhelm, and things were all still so very intense somehow, so that even though I was relaxed and comfortable and felt safe and happy, I was still racing and not... not right, not settled... not un-wound.

You know how cars have those, whatchamacallits... tachomoters?  And how you're supposed to stay out of the red zone?

Well, my day to day life, my work, occasionally throws me into the red zone, stress wise.

And I'm learning to cope with that, those moments of high stress/anxiety/worry/whatever, and to pull myself out and back down.

Sometimes it's like I'm just revving really high when there's a major project due, or say when Dad was ill, or over Christmas or what, but with my mindfulness tapes and exercising and breathing, I get better at lowering those revs.

But with this... as soon as I made the mental decision to go to Van, my revs went into the red.

And stayed there.

Like fully, screechingly hard core over revving, red zone, engine unhappy and smoking.

And that revving didn't just wind itself down.

I think having a not great sleep didn't help, and even once we'd come back to Victoria (and yes, I asked him to stay with me for that next night back) I had a hard time getting out of that revved up zone.

I couldn't process what was happening, or how I felt about everything.  People wanted to know how it was meeting him and all I could say was that it was good?

Did we have a spark?  We must have.

But, I was so... overwrought that I couldn't tell.  Or I could tell, but it was hidden by the STRESS!!!!!!!! that was still raging, stuck on repeat, through my body.

I took the day off of work on Monday (actually, don't tell, but I booked a few more than just the one day off, shhhhh), as Jay went to meetings and met up with friends, and I did everything I could to try to settle.

I went to the gym, I had a bath, I meditated, I did my mindfulness, over and over and over, and nothing made much of a dent.  Still revving way up in the orange.

Jay decided to stay at a friend's place that night and while the logical part of me understood, the less logical part, now fueled by the out of control revved up stress and anxiety and majorly messed-up-ness jumped onto a horrible bandwagon of how this was clearly the end of the world and he was abandoning me.

I know, and part of me knew that he needed to sleep, an uninterrupted night's sleep to just try to make a dent in the jet lag. And I knew too, that we both could do with some space to settle again from the intense 30 or so hours we'd just spent with each other.

Of course, the hopeless romantic, made by Disney side of me just wanted us to stare lovingly into each other's eyes 24/7 for the next week, there was a part of me that also knew that I had to find some damn way out of this over-revved situation I was in, but I honestly didn't know how to do it.

Right then, one of my dear, dear friends called.  "How are you doing?" he asked.

"Not good." I replied.

And we talked.

I've always been able to tell him everything (he's a lot like Jay in that way) and so I just poured out what had happened and how I was feeling and that I knew I was scared but I knew it wasn't good scared and that I was feeling all sort of unhappy, horrible things that I didn't want to feel.  And that I'd tried all sorts of ways to calm down but they hadn't worked and I needed to sleep but help!

He asked me if I still had the Ativan my doctor gave me when I had trouble flying a few years ago.

I did, because I never actually needed them for the flight, so I went and took one and pretty quickly I started to mellow out.

Not like, duuuude, I'm so out of it kind of thing, just... Oh.  Ok.  I'm no longer spinning.

I'm more able to breathe, and be, well, to continue with my metaphor, rev at a safe level.

To be in the low white numbers.

To be at 30% freakout, rather than 100% freakout.

And so I went to bed, by myself, and slept.

And I felt better in the morning.

Still a little nervous or anxious, and wanting to talk with Jay about certain things, but knowing that I had managed to break that cycle of WHAT IS HAPPENING I AM FREAKING OUT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OMG IT WON'T STOP, HELP!!!!! and was just back to... hey.  Yo.  I'm a little nervous about things, but, I can just breathe and feel better.

I was also able to sit in the moment and really feel what had happened in the last few days.

I'd been incredibly brave, and gone to meet Jay.  I'm so proud of myself for that.  Major pat on the back.  I did it, and I did it well and I survived and it all turned out (more than) ok. I can do this.  I already did.

I'd met Jay.  After wanting to meet him for so long, and wondering how it might be, good, bad or indifferent, we had met.

And it was good.

In fact, it was kind of great.

We get along really well.  We're silly happy lots of laughter together, and that's so so important to me in a friendship and relationship.  I don't know if it's that he makes me laugh or I'm just so happy around him that everything is that much funnier.  Or if it's both.  If we bring out the laughter in each other.  I just know it's happy.  Happy, happy, happy.

And we like to touch.  (Now, you get your heads out of the gutter, you!) Which makes me so happy, because I like to hold hands, and lean against someone, and sit close on the couch, and touch their shoulder as you walk by, all of these things, and he does too, and so my body gets to have that again, that feeling of, hey, there's that person I like, and I can be up against them, just for a moment or two, and feel connected and content.

I like him.

I like how he looks, and I like talking to him, and yes, (blush) I like kissing him and cuddling and snuggling with him.

Of course I don't know what happens next, and my battle is going to be just living in each moment and letting go of trying to figure it out, but Jay's here now, physically, finally back in town, and I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time now.

And to keep breathing.

In, and out.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Starting To Breathe

Silvered by foundimagination
We made our way to the couch, mugs in hand, and settled there, under a zebra print blanket, across from a fire.

"You're sitting too far away." he smiled.

I nodded, staying where I was.

He nodded back, smiling still.  "Maybe a compromise."

And he reached over, brought my legs and laid them over his.

I relaxed back on the couch, content, starting to relax.

Fires help.

I could stare at a fire for hours, just... zoning out.  I find them very relaxing, and there's always something to watch.  So I stared at the fire, and we talked, and as we talked, I realized that maybe he was a "stranger" (sort of), but I still knew this guy.  And he made me feel comfortable.  And as safe as I could feel, considering all I'd been through that evening and the entire unusual circumstances.

"One of my friends thinks you're crazy for coming here, you know." he said, his hand gently resting on my shin.

"I think I probably am" I said, feeling my body starting to relax, and finally leaning my head back against the couch cushion so I could fully meet his eyes, look at his face, take in how he looks, for real.

"This is way better than my computer keyboard," he smiled, "and there's no box around your face!"

"And you're in three dimensions," I said, not able to wipe the smile off of my face.

We talked, about how it was odd, but wonderful to finally be in the same space, about how surreal this all felt to me, about fire and why it's so cool, about I have no idea what, and I noticed that he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open.  Still fighting jet lag, and here I was keeping him awake.

We'd talked, previously, about what we'd be comfortable with, physically speaking, when we met, so I knew where we had both decided our comfort levels were.  I suddenly felt shy all over again as I followed him, hand in hand, towards the bedroom.

I hung out around the corner of the bathroom, eyes covered by my hands as he had a shower, and kept my eyes hid as he jumped into bed half naked.

I got ready for bed, still smack dab in the middle of that overwhemingly... not... comfort zone feeling of is this really happening?  Am I really here?  What... is going on?  Am I about to get into bed with Jay?

I knew there wasn't going to be any hanky panky of the woo hoo kind, if you know what I'm saying, but I also knew that I wasn't going to be sleeping much because it takes a while to get used to having another person in bed next to you, and I'm a light sleeper, to boot, and that my mind would keep racing anyway, in keeping with the situation.

I sat on the edge of the bed for a while, my giant, fluffy pyjamas like an awesome armour, and then I slid into bed next to him.  Well, sort of on my edge of next to him.

He had me snuggle closer and we lay there for a while, smiling at each other, my brain knowing that this was wonderful, and peaceful, and romantic and right, but my body still so overwhelmed that I couldn't really quite feel it.  Not, fully anyway.

It was almost like I was in two separate spaces.  The one that was ragingly wired with stress and fight or flight hormones, and the other that was just quietly in the moment, loving having this man here, right in front of me, to hold and touch and see and breathe air with.

I realized that I needed to say something, and so I took a deep breath, looked at him with a shy sort of quiet smile and whispered "I think, maybe, you need to kiss me now."

Which he did.

Or, I suppose, really, we kissed each other.

But it was lovely, and sweet, and my body relaxed even more.

And then I felt ok snuggling closer and lying in his arms.  Fuzzy pyjamas and all.

Thursday, 4 April 2013


We finished the longest, closest, best hug of relief and happiness and I can't believe it's actually you-ness, and I parked my car in the space he showed me.

When I feel shy, I have a hard time making eye contact, so I kept just sneaking glances up at him, my legs shaking as I got out of the car.

There was this moment, where I popped the trunk of my car and lifted out my bag, where I realized I was sort of admitting that I felt comfortable and safe enough to spend the night.  I'd told myself that I would just leave my bag in the trunk until I knew whether or not I was staying, but it was dark and it seemed silly to think I'd be doing anything other than staying over.

He carried my bag in for me, and we headed into the house, and sat there at the kitchen counter while he boiled water in the kettle.

I'd told him, warned him I guess, in an email from the ferry, that it would take me a while to calm down, that I'd be in freaked-out zone for a while and he said that was fine.  He'd make tea, the couch was by the fire, we could just sit and chill.

It was, as we'd both known it would be, sort of... weird... odd.. not quite awkward, but not un-awkward either.

I was.... I'm not even sure I know the right words to use, you guys, I was not calm.  But I was ok.  Like, I think the whole "I'm going to get on a ferry and drive to meet him" adrenaline and cortisol were still flooding my entire body full force so I didn't feel calm and relaxed, and it's not quite accurate to say I was nervous, because I was, but it was more just sort of not really having anything normal going on.  So very much there in this strange place with someone I knew, but had never seen before in person, and just, I think the closest I can come to describing it is that I was utterly overwhelmed.

But I was still somehow ok within that.

I think it's perhaps that Jay and I have been so comfortable talking and sharing and telling each other anything and everything, and being honest and open, and when we'd stood at my car door holding each other it had just felt good, and right, and like it was all finally ok.  So I was pumped full of wacked-out-stress hormones, but there was something, somewhere inside me that had sighed a giant happy sigh of relief to finally be together.  My shoulders had dropped somewhat, an inch of relaxation crept in.

As we sat waiting for the kettle to boil, he reached his hands across the counter and I gave him mine, marvelling at the length and strength of his fingers and hands.  You know how when you love someone, be it a friend or lover, you can just look at them and marvel at how beautiful they are?  Well I found myself wanting to kiss Jay's hands.  The most beautiful hands I've seen.  But I kept those thoughts to myself, just letting him hold my hands with his, and glancing up at his face, his smile, his eyes, as I tried to stop feeling so .... overwhelmed.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

The Road

You Heard The Man by foundimagination
I was on the road, and really, really not sure what I was doing.

Or if it was smart.

I kept saying to myself that I was glad it was pouring rain, because that meant I really had to pay attention to the road, so it made it harder to listen to the thoughts racing around in my brain.  But, man, I was tense.

And nervous and wondering what I was doing.

I got to the ferries just in time and sat in the ferry lineup and actually started crying.

I was crying because I was so .... freaked out, but also because I was so proud of myself.

I was proud of myself for not giving in to the bullying my brain always seems to do, and just taking a breath and jumping.

I knew that if I made it, and it all worked out ok, I would be more likely to do something like this again in the future.

And I don't even mean so much the meeting a... pretty much stranger, in a strange place, I mean just the logistics.  Driving to a place I didn't know, meeting someone new, pushing myself way outside of my safe comfort zone.

I remember C-Dawg telling me as much the week before.  Jay had suggested that maybe we could find somewhere to go camping the weekend he was back and I was freaking out to C-Dawg about how he didn't know I don't just... pick up and do things, that I need to plan and figure out and attempt to chill, and C-Dawg told me that she thought I should just pick up and go camp with him.

"This hasn't been a normal courtship in any way, Victoria.  I think you need to just go, be out of your comfort zone here."

Maybe it was partly those words that pushed me, but I messaged Jay from the ferry.

"On the 7."

"You're nearly here!" he messaged back.

I smiled.

The drive there was short, thankfully, and GPSes are wonderful things.  Still, I was nervous as I pulled into the driveway.

Was this the right house?  What would it be like to see him?  What if it wasn't the right house?  Where should I park?  Should I pretend I changed my mind and just go back home?

"I think I'm here."  I messaged him, sitting in my car, my front door open, not really ready or able to step out, just staring at the screen of my phone, wondering what on earth I was doing there.

And then, suddenly, I heard his voice.

"You're here!"

And, there he was.

I didn't want to get out of my car.

I just looked up at him, his smiling face, that I'd come to know so well via video, right there in front of me, smiling back at my cheesy grin.

But I still didn't... (couldn't?) move.

"You can... park over there." he said, motioning.

"Where?  Ok.." I said, dazed, shaking all over.

"But wait... can you get out for just a minute first?"

I nodded, put my phone down, took a step out of the car and threw my arms around him.

And we just stood there, hugging.  Finally in the same space.  Finally meeting.

I just wanted to hold him, and feel his arms around me.

Somehow, I was there.  And he was there.

We'd made it.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Uh Oh.

I think I sat there for a few minutes just asking myself if I was really going to do this?

Was I seriously contemplating throwing some stuff in a bag, getting in my car and driving to the ferries to go meet this guy?

Apparently I was.

"Can you give me an address?"

"Why, are you coming over?"

"I... think I am."


"Shhh... I don't want to talk about it... I'll... I just.... I'll message you from the ferry"  (thank goodness for smartphones, eh?)

I think I just didn't let myself think.  Or, at least, I had so little time to get ready and leave, I had to put as much mental power as I had into that process.

Bag.  Clothes.  Change of clothes, wait, pyjamas!  Should I bring a book in case he was jetlagged and wanted a nap the next day?  Wait... did that mean I was staying over?


I mean, no time to think, gotta pack.  Bag packed.

I mean, I could always sleep on the couch.  He's already shown himself to be a good guy and enough of a gentleman that I'm sure if things were uncomfortable, we'd just sleep in separate rooms and say our polite and awkward goodbyes in the morning.

Shoot, I was pushing it for time to get to the ferries, time to text a few friends to let them know, send the address I was going to, that kind of thing, and head out.

They were all super excited for me.

I wasn't.

I was freaking out.

But determined to push through.

I wasn't going to let worry/anxiety/fear stop me this time.  I was going to do it anyway.

I wasn't going to sit there, overthinking the whole damn thing and weighing out the "what ifs" and all the rest, I was just going to go.

And then I was on the road.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2019 and then some.) Kay? Kay.