Burning Man 2016

Burning Man is always an adventure.

And I don't just mean the two weeks I head out of town to travel down to it.  I mean the whole event of it.  The figuring out of it all.

This year's adventure began when Max ended things back in Fall.  It began then because that changed the plans we'd started to make to go together and camp together.

And it continued with my applying to volunteer with the set up crew.  (Will know one way or another in the next few months)  And with the people I know who might have gone all choosing not to go this year.

And then the thought of possibly buying a camper van type thing to take down with me since it looks like I'll be going solo this year.  (Still not quite sure what's happening there, but there may be some progress soon... I think I'll go ahead.)

And the latest part of the adventure occurred last week when I didn't get a ticket in the general ticket sale.

(Sad face)

Yes, the odds are low.  Yes, I've been lucky each year so far.  But... in my view there was a glitch in the way the sale was run vs the way they told us it would be run so I'm trying not to be extra sore about that.  There is always always going to be ticket drama now that it's such a popular event.  I'm just blue I wasn't on the luckier side of it this year.

I thought, going into the sale, that if I didn't manage to get a ticket, I'd just see it as a sign that it wasn't meant to happen this year.  And maybe it still isn't meant to happen this year, but once I'd stopped crying over the sale being sold out before I got my ticket (half an hour in to the random/lottery/but then not quite for some but hey no one's going to admit that part, ahem.) I realized that I still wanted to go.

So I'm still hoping to go.  I just don't currently have a ticket.  And I'd likely be going by myself.  And not sure where to camp.  But I feel like it will either work out or it won't.

And I will be proactive about trying to find what I need, but I won't push too too hard.  And it won't be the end of the world if I don't get to go this year.  Will be sad, but, it really is a first world problem.  I'm safe, healthy, housed, employed.  My life is good.  Maybe not going to an amazing art festival in the desert?  A bummer, maybe,  but not earth shattering.

Things have always worked out for me with regards to going and this year will work out just how it's meant to.  This time five or six months from now, I'll know how this year's Burning Man adventure played out.  Right now?  It's still in the middle of playing out.  And right now, that means I don't have a ticket yet.

Maybe that's the playa's way of not having me stress out about OMG I'M GOING BY MYSELF for the entire Spring/Summer.  Maybe I'll get my ticket in Summer and only stress out for a month rather than four, maybe I won't get a ticket.  Maybe I'll get seventy two (I don't know where that number came from)  The point is I don't know. And I'm ok with that.

Not to say I didn't cry.  Not to say I didn't wake up the day after really really angry (but that was less to do with tickets and more to do with someone telling me something Max said with regards to me... not going there.  Karma takes care of that kind of stuff.)  Not to say I won't have days of up or down.  Just... I've always just sort of trusted that what's meant to happen will happen with Burning Man.

I didn't get a ticket in the main sale.  That sucked.  We'll see what happens now.

Oh.... So....?

I had a realization the other day.  Not really sure what to do about it, but, well, at least I realized it I suppose?

I can't remember how I came to think about it, but it dawned on me that I'm sort of always thinking I should be something else.

Like... I write.  Ok.  Sure.  I write here, and I write some poetry sometimes.  But I don't think of myself as a writer.  Because I don't write novels.  So I'm not a writer and I don't write.  My writing ... doesn't count somehow.  It's not "real" writing.

Or I do art.  But it's not realistic.  Or it's not... something enough.  It's not mature enough or well developed enough or true to form enough.  It's not... what other people do, enough.  So it doesn't count.

I could go on.  My photography isn't X enough.  My art should be better.  I'm not an actual writer.  I... always always think that I should be something different than what I am.  Usually something "better".  Whatever that means.  And by whose judgement?  My own?  That with which I was raised?  I'm not even sure I know anymore.

And, like I say, I'm not really sure what to do about this realization.

But I'll put it in the back of my head I guess, to think on.  Must mean something.  Bet it would be a good thing to "get over", you know?

Ahhhhhhhhh

Amen for long weekends.

I hope you had a good Easter, or Spring type celebration, or maybe just a regular good weekend. 

With chocolate, if that's your thing.

Sigh

I'm whining, just so you know.  Feel free to skip.

I'm not blaming this on the time change, merely saying that I don't feel like the time change ever helps this, but my sleep the past few weeks has sucked.

I've been managing my sleep pretty effectively for years now, with little more than a blip here or there (acupuncture has really really helped, but mine retired so I'm working with a new one and while we have other things handled, the sleep portion... not quite perfected yet) and so having a few bad weeks (vs days?) is unusual.

And man, I do not like it.

Like yesterday, I was "awake" all night (knew I wasn't asleep) and just as I was about to fall asleep (or so I felt) my alarm went off.  NOOOO!

Once I fall asleep I usually stay asleep (unless someone buzzes my apartment at three am by accident and I am therefore jolted wide awake for... evar!) but the falling asleep has not been going well lately.

I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago here I think.  (Unless I just think I did...no, yeah, I did, that "being pulled towards thinking" thing that's going on...) It's even weirder than lying awake thinking though, I don't even know if I can explain it, I just don't like it, no matter what it is.

So, yes.  Whiny.  Want to go back to the restful sleeps I've been having.  None of this not great sleep malarky.  I'll have none of that thank you very much!

Sigh.

Hindsight, Or Something Like That

One of the first of my pieces of art I ever rescued from a drawer and framed is a lino print of Robert Plant (dreamy sigh) from the Led Zeppelin 1973 concert at Madison Square Gardens that's used in most of their well known videos and their movie "The Song Remains The Same."

I watched the movie again this weekend and was inspired by the lighting and the tones (and the charisma!) to paint Robert Plant all over again.  I was looking at the abstract painting I did and chuckling at the fact that I'd done, without realizing it, a piece from the same video right out of high school.

And then I looked at the lino print, and realized I haven't done one in years.  Have a vague remembrance of how to do it but... at this point, could not replicate what I did then.  That's what happens when you don't keep up at a skill... it doesn't stick around.  Or something.

Which lead me to two thoughts.  One... I wish I had kept up with my art all these years.  All through having jobs and working through university and having boyfriends and all the life stuff that happens, I wish I'd kept up with it.  (Sure, I could even say I wish I'd done it as a career, but we'll leave that one for now.)

And, two... I wish I could go back to high school.  NEVER before in my life have I ever wished this.  I would not wish those insecurities or acne or social ... upsets on anyone, but man oh man do I ever wish I could go back and take all the courses I wanted to take.  The photography class I didn't have room for.  The auto mechanics, woodwork, metal shop classes.  To take my 2-D and 3-D classes again.  TO REMEMBER.  To have free (to me) access to the materials and the learning and the .... all of it.  I want to go back and have the time and space to do all those courses I "couldn't" do because I "had" to take the courses to get into university to do.... something.  (I had no idea at the time.  I had no idea four years and a degree later, either.)

I know, I should look into community college classes, and I might, really.  But there's something about thinking back to high school and wishing I had known how much I'd want those "other" courses, and how little adult me would want to remember about the courses I did take.

Perhaps not everyone feels this way about high school.  Maybe I just missed the mark, or didn't quite know myself.  Not that I disliked the Sciences and all (Math was not my favourite, ugh) and the English and French (I was an Immersion student, it took up a lot of course times) and.... whatever else I took (I was hyper aware of keeping all my possible university options open so covered all the possible acceptance standards, so I never felt like I could do the "fun" stuff.  Man do I wish I could go back and tell myself to ONLY do the fun stuff.)

But, yeah.  First time ever in my life I've wanted to go back to high school.  Just for the ability to get free education and classes and training and material in the stuff I wish I knew more about.

(I wonder if I could time travel, if high school me would even listen to... future now me?)

Not The Same

As I type this, I feel like I've maybe talked about it before, but hey, brain's gonna do what brain's gonna do, right?   But I was thinking the other day about how this anxiety I've been dealing with for the last few months is not something I've really experienced before.

Yes, I've been a worrier.  Yes, I overthink.  Yes, I get nervous about things.  But this?  This is so much MORE than that.

And by "more" I mean... more intense?  More... physically involved?  This is different.  This is new to me.  And I do not like it.

I have wondered if it's possibly hormonally related.  With my body especially (thyroid stopped working when I was a kid so my endocrine (hormone) system is.... sensitive and rather less than "normal") subtle changes can mean more than with other people and women's (and men's too I would venture to suggest) hormones change all their darn lives.  (Why we don't teach young girls this and how it will change their body shape and therefore not to expect their body to ever look the same in their pre-teens, or twenties, or thirties, etc. etc.)  I may mention it to my doctor... or not.  I may try to track it for a while first... or not.  I'm just saying... this is not something I'm used to.  This is that much more uncomfortable.

This "anxiety" is not the same as being a worrier... or any of that.  It's not the same as "freaking out" about getting on a cramped airplane or feeling panicky in a crowd.  This is not... not anything I want to keep having in my life.

I don't know.  There's maybe not much of a point to this post.  I think I just wanted to tell me... future me, or something, that this is not something that has always been part of me or in my life and so there's no reason it should always be in my life or part of me.  To think of it like.... mental food poisoning.  Temporary.  Nasty as all get out.  But temporary.




Now if that isn't the weirdest thought I've come up with today, I don't know what is.

Oh.... Good Point!

You know when you have those a-ha moments where you kind of wonder how you hadn't thought of it before but then realize that you really needed this set of circumstances to happen before you could think of it?  Yeah.

So my kitchen table is pretty much not for eating on anymore.  It's where I do my art and where I have the most used art supplies sitting (ready for insta use!)

This table is right by the big windows in my place so I get all the yummy light throughout the day.

And up until now, not a lot of heat.

Which, hey, no problem, layers, right?

Right.  Except, we had a sunny day last week (ish?) that also had a bit of warmth to the sun (YAY FOR SPRING!) and I picked up my oil pastels and they were warm.  Hmmmm I thought... I bet if these got hot enough they would melt... I should probably think about that.

And then I looked at my bottles of ink sitting there with condensation droplets inside them and I thought huh... I bet that they're not really supposed to sit in the sun/heat either.

So, yeah.... have really only been getting back into creating this much since Fall... so haven't been through the warm seasons yet with it!  May have to either learn to deal with runny, warmed up materials or fin another way to keep them close at hand.

Perhaps I should get in the habit of tidying up at the end of the day, just to eliminate the possibility of anything getting wrecked by the sun/heat...

But yeah, hadn't occurred to me until now.  Thanks for the polite warning sunshine!  I love you!

D'oh

Was in the middle of a counselling session the other day when the lightbulb blew. 


I had to stop myself from laughing because... well, clearly something wasn't impressed by what I was saying!  It was like this "opposite of a lightbulb turning on" moment that I found quite hilarious.

Sorry, counselling office ghost, I promise to do the work and not complain!

Yay!

Well, I finally made it to the end of the book I was struggling through.


I skim read through the last chunk and skipped through a fair amount of the ending portion until I got to find out what I needed to know.  But yeah, that one, whew, done.  (Not that it was bad so much, just... didn't keep me interested.... not my thing I guess.)

I've moved on to The Martian now, which... I'm bummed that I've already seen the movie, to be honest.  Yes, I'm sure there will be differences and people have said the book is better, but going in knowing vaguely what's going to happen is a bit of a bummer.  I knew it when I decided to watch the movie too... thought to myself "self, you should maybe wait and read the book first" but.... I gave in to temptation and saw the movie and enjoyed it and figured I'd just skip the book.  But... hard to resist good stories, so here I am!  Really only just started it last night so am hoping I can somehow forget what all happens, or at least get more involved.  (And stop hearing the narrating in Matt Damon's voice!)

But yeah, blah book done, good book started, yay!  Yay for reading!

Bah!

Now, I know this is more of an issue than a "problem" but I have an annoying thing happening that I can't seem to fix!

My toast isn't toasting.

This wouldn't be such a huge deal if there was much more I could get down in the morning, but gluten free toast with some kind of cheese like thing on it is usually what I can manage right now.

My gluten free bread lives in the freezer and then is taken out and turned into toast.

Lately, the crusts burn and the rest stays almost soggy.  It's nasty!  And if I try to manipulate it by re-toasting just a wee bit, I end up with charcoal.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!  It hasn't always been like this so I don't know, do toasters get weird?  Because, yeah.  My toaster is both simultaneously over and under toasting the same piece of bread and I don't get it.

Srsly

The Fortunate One

One of the groups I'm on on a social networking site sometimes has rental place ads pop up.  They're generally in the Bay Area of California, and I'll often click on them as that's where I might have been moving to had things kept progressing with Max and I.

And here's the thing... I know living where I do right now I pay a fair amount in rent.  I know I could move and pay less, or even move elsewhere in the province and pay much much less.  But I'm willing (and able, thank goodness) to pay what I'm paying now to be here, in the place I'm in, in this lovely little town right by the ocean.  I like it here.  My only complaint about my place is that I'm not allowed a dog.  That may be the reason I choose to move some day.

I'm thinking about all this right now because the last two postings I saw in this group were for rooms.  Not an entire apartment, but a room in one.  For the same amount I'm paying for my entire apartment.

It flabbergasts me to imagine paying two or three times what I'm paying now.  To be honest, I wouldn't be able to.  Or to be paying what I do for just a room.

I know that there are reasons things are that way and that people are rightfully concerned.  I'm not intending to get into that.  Just to say that I feel very fortunate for my current living situation.

Very.

FYI

If you are just tuning in... I'm sorry.




So you know... time change is stupid and there are currently no bananas by the tree.

Unless, of course, I looked at the wrong tree because I wasn't quite paying attention, but.... I'm pretty sure no current banana peels.

And time change is stupid.

And I had a dream where when I woke up I could almost remember the choreography of the ballet I was doing.

And I had a dream where Max called in the middle of the night to say his life was falling apart and he just kept wishing I was in it and man... why'd you gotta do that to me brain?

Sigh.


But, yeah, no current peels.  Not a very appealing situation!  (HA?  Ha?)

It's Ok!

I was watching the weather yesterday (it's been crazy around here lately) going from sunny to windy and pouring rain and then back to sunny and then dark and pouring, sunny, no windy! no rainy and I just wanted to reach out and give the weather a hug and say "it's ok honey, I feel like that some days too!"

So, yeah.  Don't mind me, I'll just be over here giving the weather a hug.

As one does.

Hi

(Just so you're aware, you have to read this post with the voice of a sullen male teenager.  Don't ask why, you just do.  My brain says so.)

So, it happened again.  That whole time change thing.  Which totally sucks because it was already getting lighter later into the evenings and now it's cheating.  Now it doesn't count anymore.

And yeah, I complain every year.  So?  It's stupid every year.

My stomach's confused and my sleep's confused and I actually forgot about it this year.  Knew it was this weekend but forgot to change my clocks until I was falling asleep at who knows what o'clock and by then I was too warm in bed to get up and change them and then somehow it was way later the next morning.

*sigh*

I just think it's stupid and no one wants it anymore and geez.  Come on.

I Beg Your Pardon?

Yeah... so you know how brains just do.. whatever, right?

Uh huh.  So I woke up yesterday morning and the very first thought I had was, I kid you not "cephalopod."

Like, seriously.  My brain just went "cephalopod."

Huh?

I.... wha?

Why, brain, why?

I.... can't even imagine.  So odd.  I feel like I should pet my brain and tell it it's a very nice brain, because clearly it thought this was an awesome thing worthy of note.

So, yeah.

Cephalopod.

:/

I has the grumpy angries so I'm just not going to say anything in the vein of what Bambi's Mom would say.

Hrm

I've kind of stalled out mid way through the book I'm reading.

I think it's partly the book itself, and partly that when I get into bed at night I have other things I'm thinking about right now and so instead of being pulled to reading I'm being pulled towards thinking.  Sometimes that's bad, but sometimes I think myself to sleep.  (Not stressful thoughts, those don't help with the falling asleep!)

I don't NOT want to finish the book, I just don't know how I'm ever going to get around to finishing it.

That, and I have two books in reserve I'm kind of excited to read.

Maybe I have to change my bedtime/night time routines a bit and get through this book n stuff.

Heh. My Brain Is Teh Funny Sometimes

Was going through some poem drafts yesterday and found this one. 

It's about my bed.  Just written as if it was about a lover or partner.  Because bed.  Sleep.  So awesome.

Happy sigh.

I love me my bed and my sleep y'all.


So here you go, my sleep romance poem!  Heh


sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is making the hours tick away until I can be with you again
and then when it's time for us to part, I don't want it to end
I want to lie in your embrace for all time
where everything is perfect
and quiet
and calm
warm
safe
at peace
I notice your absence keenly
when you keep yourself away from me
but of late
while all else in my world is difficult
and hard to bear
you have been there for me
above all else
and for this
I am eternally grateful

Well, There You Go Then

Something I discovered this weekend is that squirrels actually make noises.

I don't know why, but I sort of always saw them as silent creatures.  Or maybe just quiet, chittering at each other in forests and .... squirrel holes together.  I know they chirp, but that's about it I always thought.

I certainly didn't expect what I found this weekend, that's for sure!

I have a surprising amount of wildlife that lives sort of around my place.  I guess there are enough trees and things around that it's not TOO city, and so I get to hear lots of animal noises.  There's a hawk and of course crows and seagulls, and raccoons and cats (if they count) and all of their noises I know and recognize.

Well, over the ... years (? I dunno... a while) I've heard a sort of dying bird sound.  I figured seagull or something, but like this squalk of not so nice.  Don't hear it all that often but it always sounds like a dying animal kind of sound.

Which is why I was surprised to hear it, look outside and see a little squirrel making the noise!

At first I thought it was just co-incidence.  That the squirrel just happened to be around while the bird was doing the dying squalk thing but no... I watched his/her little chest filling and emptying with air while that wee squirrel made that hideous noise!  WHAT?

I can assume it's the time of year when perhaps things are starting to attract mates and put it down to that and, no, it's not a sound I particularly feel like researching but man... I had no idea that squirrels could be that vocal.  I still can't really connect that sound with that little fluffy tailed rodent.

What else is making weird noises that I don't know they make?  My world is.... not as it seems!

Craving

So sugar.

I decided to have a couple of sugar cookies around Ballytimes day because they're actually very yummy (for gluten free) and I figured it was ok.

But I can say quite honestly that it did make me want more sugar, which is probably why this week, when buying groceries, I also bought some bulk chocolate covered raisins and those healthy type gummy fruit things (you know, the red and dark red ones!)  I figured they were "healthy" sweets and I wasn't caving or anything, I was actively choosing to have some sweets since I didn't need or want them, it was a choice.

So I had them.  And it was kind of that mindless shoving into my face sort of eating.  Followed by wanting more a few days later.

I didn't finish the (much larger) bag I got the second time because I was finding it upsetting that I was stuffing my face and not really wanting to just NEEDING TO, but then for the next few days I was back to that point of just not caring.  Of not caring that I'm reducing my sugar, and didn't eat any at all for a month or so.  I didn't care, I just wanted more.

Fought with myself for a couple of days... just... screw it, go to the store and buy something, it'll stop the craving, and it'll feel good and taste good and just do it, just go, you deserve it, you're grumpy and it'll cheer you up.  V/s, well, you could go get some but that will just extend the craving and wanting more and then you might end up back where you were and you didn't think that was such a good place, and so on and so forth and all I want(ed) all that time is to eat some damn sugar.  A chocolate bar.  Some candy.  More of those cookies, WHATEVER, JUST GIVE IT TO ME AND GIVE IT TO ME NOW AND DON'T STOP.

Sigh.

From an "observer" point of view, it's interesting to see the chemical and how it can really take over and so insidiously.  And it can also be a sigh of relief that I don't have an addiction to something much more damaging (although there are many studies that show that sugar is incredibly damaging to the body, I'm just suggesting it is not as damaging as, say street drugs or the like).

From an "I'm in the thick of it" point of view it sucks.  Because WANT.

Le sigh.

I may be an all or nothing kind of person with sugar after all...

It just likes me far too much.  

Hrmmmm...

I saw a post somewhere the other day where the person listed their five most influential albums.  It was kind of cool, so I thought I'd do the same.  And then I spent all week trying to figure out which five...

I think I can make this work though so here goes....

My top five influential albums (and why) in no particular order:

1.  In Through The Out Door - Led Zeppelin

     -  In highschool, I'd heard of Led Zeppelin, sure.  They did Stairway to Heaven and some other songs, but I didn't really know them.  One of my friends, for whatever reason, was selling some CDs one day.  He asked if I wanted to buy some and I did.  This is the only album I remember getting from him and it was the first time I'd listened to a Zep album in full.  And I was hooked.  They are my most favourite band, and this was the first album of theirs I owned.  I bought the rest very quickly after!

2.  Pearl Jam - Ten

     - Maybe it was the timing of this album in my life,  but it hit.  I can still sing along to almost all of the songs on this album and they're all great songs.  "Jeremy" especially sticks out for me as the first time we ever really heard about violence in schools and unhappy children.  I wish things had not changed so much since then.  Great album, still makes me feel the same way I did when I first heard it. 

3.  Nevermind - Nirvana

     - I have to put this one in here too.  Similar timeline as Pearl Jam's in terms of changing the music scene.  This was the first CD I went into a store to buy, which is one of the reasons it's influential to me.  I'd bought tapes before and had records as a kid but not CDs, so it felt like a big deal.  I remember listening to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and feeling connected to that anger, but not really knowing why.  I'm not really a huge Nirvana fan, I'm not one who cried when Kurt Cobain died or anything, but I still get into these songs when I'm in the right mood.  This, as an influential album was more about the feel of these songs and the fact that they had gotten into the "mainstream."  Maybe we all really were angry after all and someone should listen to us...

4.  The Dark Side Of The Moon - Pink Floyd

     - One of two albums I remember "borrowing" (ie. permanently taking because I still have them, shhh) from my brother (the other being Peter Gabriel's "So")  I don't remember why I borrowed it, perhaps it had that same allure as Led Zeppelin of being a group I kind of knew of but didn't really?  And, this album is still one of my go-tos for a lot of reasons.  Pink Floyd is up there with Led Zeppelin in my "favourite" category.  This is an album I'll often play when I need to settle myself or ground myself.  (Played it one night at Burning Man when I was overwhelmed and wanted to just be in my own space and not hear other people's sound/music, and I was able to stop feeling overwhelmed and comforted by it.) 

5.  The Wall - Pink Floyd

     - It's hard to have two albums by the same group on this list, but this particular (double) album is probably the one that I would have put at number one if I was doing these in order of importance.  I love this album.  All of it.  The concept.  The flow of it.  The movie and art that goes with it.  The messages I personally take out of it.  The impact it had on the music industry at that time.  Again, I know all the songs, all the lyrics.  And I FEEL them.  This album gets to me in deep ways, right down in the core.  I'd heard "Another Brick In The Wall (Part II)" when I was a kid and sung along to it (because there were kids singing, fun!) without really understanding it and had been chastised by my parents who didn't think it was a very nice song (picking on teachers, I suppose) but didn't get to the whole album until I was much older.  To be honest, I don't remember when I heard the whole album, or if I saw the movie first or heard the album first.  Would I like this album as much if I hadn't seen the movie?  Perhaps not.  And yes, I own the movie, and appreciate it for many reasons.  I think this album is genius and again, it's a go to for me when I'm in a particular mood. 

So there you have it.  Not necessarily my favourite songs (I couldn't tell you many of the songs on "Nevermind" for example) but albums that were influential in my life... to me.  I'm sure there are others, and this list might change in a decade or two (or not) But yeah. 

I wonder what I would have come up with if I'd gone with top ten!

Sigh

One of the things I'm working on right now is one I find rather frustrating.  But it's getting better too so... that's good.

I find that the worry/anxiety voice/noise likes to start some days as SOON as I'm awake.

As in, when I'm still lying half asleep in bed, not even up yet, just coming to consciousness, that voice will send me a thought.

A worry or stress thought.  Like the other morning I was still hitting snooze and that noise/voice said "you know you can't do the whole drive to Burning Man by yourself.  You don't even remember the portion after the ferry."  And ordinarily, I would kind of jump on board that thought train.  Think about how, no, I don't really know that portion, can't visualize it like I can the final portion, and that maybe it would be ok with a good GPS but that still it would be uncomfortable and then I'd think about getting to gas stations and stopping and wait, what vehicle would I even be going down and then... as you can see, the thought has run away with me and I'm lying there, not even awake, but anxious.  Worried.  With a body that is having physiological symptoms of worry.  So I'd be not even out of bed and already feeling badly and having bad thoughts.  Not fun.

But I'm getting better at shutting those thoughts down first thing in the morning.  (And in general too, but that's a different story and not quite as perfect) It sometimes works to just say "not now", as in... this is not the time for these thoughts, or "this is not helpful" because really, morning is not the most thinky time... and there's a day to get through, and we're not driving anywhere this morning so, not now... this isn't helpful.

And it's better.  It's much better to be getting up to low or no worries rather than getting up and having them revved up too.

Some mornings I still have the jitters; am still worried or worry-thinking.  And there is NO caffeine in the morning anymore as part of that, and some chewable natural remedy things that either help or placebo help (I don't care which) and so while it's still around... that difficult morning wakeup, it's not as bad as it was a while ago when it was happening every darn day, and ruining that day with worry.

It's hard work, this change stuff.  But important to note I do see improvement.  It's not every day anymore.  And it's not even really lasting all morning anymore either.  Perhaps there will be nervous/bad days but right now it's ok.

*gives self a hug*

HA!

Well, ok, not really, I didn't actually solve anything, but this weekend... Sunday morning to be precise, my radio went through the tunnel again!

I kept hitting snooze ( a) to get more sleep and b) to see how long it would go... I would have waited it out all morning for Science you guys!) and although I'm guessing a little at the time, it did eventually turn back to non-buzzy radio.  Probably half an hour to forty-five minutes worth of fuzz though.

I guess the tunnel slept in too?

If I knew my neighbours better, I'd do a co-ordinated discovery with them and see where it was they needed to be to make the interruption.  But, yeah... until then, I'll just deal with it when it happens.

So Mean

I feel horrible.

Like, I'm not a nice person.

The ants have been around in the few non rainy days we've had and, well, just like last year they don't really like the sticky traps (as in they maybe step onto them and then turn around and walk right off!) and so I've been.... kind of... forcing the issue.

And it seems like a completely horrible way to die and I feel so mean and cruel but I wanted there to be evidence for when the bug getting people come back but man oh man do I ever feel mean.

But, I suppose those are just the ones I see, and I am trying to keep them out of my food source and stuff like that.

But still...  mean.

Happy Leap Day!

I was totally going to write about something else but then I looked at the date and it's a leap year extra day!  YAY!

So, happy February 29th!  Funny!

Whoops!

As I've maybe mentioned before, I tend to manipulate my alarm clock.

It's not at the "proper" time (it's pushed forward), and I re-set the alarm time at least once, by an hour, to give myself a glorious sense of "I still have another hour of sleep to come" in the morning.

Which is why I'm glad that what happened last Saturday happened on a weekend and not a week day.  (Yes, I set my alarm on most weekends.  It helps me sleep better if I keep my sleep schedule as regular as possible.)

Because that morning, I half woke up, saw that it was lightish outside, wondered just how early it was (since my alarm had not gone off yet) and saw that it was nearly 9.

Wha?

Turns out, in re-setting my alarm before bed that night (something I do every night, if not in the morning after I wake up and get out of bed) I'd set it to six something pm instead of six something am.  Whoops!

I would probably have been ok on a work day, my body tends to wake up around the same time, but still, gave me a little jolt of "oh man... that could have been bad!"

Will double check my time re-setting for a while now I'm sure.

A Difference

I've noticed a difference in something that I don't understand...

When I was a kid, my parents would take me to a class (ballet, swimming, etc.) and drop me off and pick me up when it was done.

There would perhaps be a day during the year when they'd be invited to watch, and often a "show" of some kind at the end of the season (especially with dance.)  But they did not watch my classes.  It wasn't a "thing."

Now, when I talk to my friends who are parents, they all seem to take their children to the classes and then stay for the class.  And I'm not sure why.

Perhaps in some cases it's not worth the drive back home and it's just more convenient to, for example, sit in the dojo or the rec centre but I have to say I feel like it's often more of a hovering thing, an expectation thing.  Or maybe it's a younger kid thing?

I don't know.  But because I remember classes being a "drop off, pick up" kind of thing, I don't understand this seemingly new "I sit through my child's class" thing.

Am I just being weird?  I know there's a new normal with parenting but still....

Whimper

One of the things my awesome acupuncturist does during a treatment is acupressure.

It's basically the same as acupuncture but without the needles.  So it's applying a gentle pressure on those points (insert medical information here.)

And it almost always cracks me up.

Not during mind you, but after.  Because there she is just pressing on a point and I'm going OW OW OW!  And I want to laugh because how did she know that exact point would be sore?  Because knowledge!

So, like, she'll be putting this very gentle pressure on this point in the ball of my feet and all I can think is she's barely touching me, why do I want to whimper?  It's hilarious and awesome.

Or she'll ask if this particular point hurts and then press down on a random spot and I'll yelp YES!

It really is quite interesting.  And different from getting a massage.  But whenever she does the points on my head or face I always think to myself that I should go home and book a head/scalp massage because ahhhhhhhh.......

Not hurty, just relax-y.

Whyyyyyyyy?

This is for any of my long haired friends, or, really, for anyone who knows the answer to this...

I've been growing my hair for a while now.  Not for any particular reason.  A year or two ago, I (my hairdresser) bleached and then died the underlayer and now it's back to "regular" colour but still bleached under that, if that makes sense.

So that hair is a little more fried than my regular hair.

And here's the thing.  I've noticed that especially with this one scarf I have, an "expensive" one, that section of hair (back under layer) gets all knotted up and scrunched up whenever I wear it!

Whaayayayayayyyyyyyy?  Is it an interaction between this particular material or is it just that my hair is longer?  Is it this bleached hair's coarseness and this scarf?

Maybe the next time I get my hair trimmed, I'll remember to ask my hairdresser but dudes, it's so weird!  It gets it really all birdsnest-y knotted up and I don't think I move my head around that much.  What's the deal?

It's starting to weird me out.

Sigh

My judgement on this may be clouded by the fact I was woken up from a deep sleep at about three am, but... anyway.
So two drunk girls (I'm assuming drunk because SO LOUD.  Also, three am) were coming home and I was woken up by their loud conversation in the parking lot/back door area of our building.  (I sleep with my windows open even on chilly nights because I love the fresh air!)

From what I can gather, one of the girls felt... left out, or unimportant.  Her complaint was that no one new her.  That no one knows who she was, or her name, or even her birthday.

Which... I'm not really sure how that's an indicator of how well someone knows you (I think I can tell you C-Dawg's birthday but... I'm not 100% sure, and I know her really well and love her dearly.) but this girl was quite certain it meant a lot.

It was hard to tell who was speaking but one of the girls asked the other if she even knew her birthday.

And the other replied with "April 24th"  or something  "April 28th?"  At which point the other girl shrieked.  "HA!  YOU CAN'T JUST WIN THIS ARGUMENT BY GUESSING MY BIRTHDAY!"

So... I guess she was right?  Or something?

They stumbled their way inside not long after this so I didn't get to hear the conclusion of the argument but wide awake now all I could think was that it seemed like a strange thing to bring up as some sort of proof that no one cares about you, or knows you or whatever the initial complaint was.

I don't know people's birthdays!  My computer knows and reminds me and that's how I know.  Before that I had them written down on a perpetual calendar thing.  But I don't KNOW them know them... you know?

Anyway.  I'm not saying drunken three am conversations have to make much sense but I'd be more upset at no one knowing my name than I would about no one knowing my birthday.

And I'm still a little grumpy from the lack of sleep, anyway.

Sigh.

A Corner

This is not meant to be a statement of political intent.  It is just something I noticed and found myself thinking about.

There's a corner in our downtown area that I found myself on this weekend.

Standing on this corner, I could see an old, Anglican cathedral.  One of the more impressive church buildings in town.  A place of worship.  Next to it, on the other side is a graveyard.  A place of remembrance and, perhaps, mourning.  Across from the graveyard there's a gym, filled with people trying to better themselves and get fitter or healthier.  And in the last corner, there's a "tent city."  A collection of people who for whatever life reasons have found themselves without a home and in a series of events over recent months set up a collection of tents and structures in a call for housing for all.

As I said, I am not wanting to get into political debates.  I was just struck with all the different aspects of life on this one corner of this one part of this city.

People struggling.  People worshiping.  People no longer alive.  People working out.

I don't know what the living people on those corners may have been thinking about the other people on those corners.  Were there judgements?  Frustrations?  Did they even notice each other?  How odd our world can be... two buildings where people are likely not worried about their basic survival, right next to a group of people quite possibly worried about surviving the rest of that day.

It's a funny old world sometimes... and it's hard to know the best way to travel through it.

We're all in our own little worlds sometimes.  And all this thinking, just from the intersection of two streets and many different stories.

Hmmm

So the ant guys got called, and they showed up and did the exact same (useless) thing they did last year.  They laid down sticky traps.

Last year, they caught exactly zero ants, but several silverfish (ick) and the second guy who came out kind of rolled his eyes and grumbled about that being pointless.

Which made me wonder... is this a tactic?  Might the company possibly do this and then have to return (at a second fee/cost) and do something different?

Or maybe in a less suspicious line of questioning... is this just the first line of attack or something?

I'm not really sure of the point of sticky traps... it's not going to stop anything or eliminate any nests or anything....

But, hey, not my area of expertise, I know... just.... wondering...

Insert Mystery Type Theme Song Here

Ok, so.... my neighbourhood seems to have a banana mystery.

Or, really, just one tiny spot in my neighbourhood does.

You see, there's a street I walk along that takes me to the grocery store and I noticed a few weeks ago that one particular tree had a banana peel left at its base.

Some time later (I can't remember if it was days or a day or week or weeks)?  Several banana peels.  (All brown by now)

Next time?  All the brown ones and a newer yellow one!

Someone was eating bananas and disposing of the peels under this one tree.  WHY?  WHY????

Someone else must have noticed because for a few of my walks there, they were gone.

But now?  Peel.

A little further away from the tree but still!  WHAT IS HAPPENING AND WHYYYYY?

I find it a little bit funny, if still littery and lazy but.... really... what is going on in this person's mind?

And why aren't I rich and silly enough to buy a nanny cam to install on the tree so I can find out!  I mean, I suppose it could be my friend Buddy the squirrel or an escaped gorilla or something.  But.... really, I just want to know.  Does the person sit there and leisurely eat and drop?  Or is it a stop on their walk to work and that's just when they're done eating?  WHYYYYY?????

Inquiring minds want to know.

Bzzzzzzrrrrrt

My alarm clock is set to radio rather than buzz.  I find it a lot less jarring to wake up to singing or talking than to a random scary noise.

But I've noticed something lately and, of course, I'm putting you all to the solving of this situation!

Around the same time each morning, on the x'th time I've hit snooze, the radio comes up off station.

Like, bzzzzzzrrrrrrrrttttttt crackling.

My best guess is that that's when someone upstairs from me gets up and walks somewhere that upsets my radio's.... feed (I can't think of the word.. reception, that's it!) reception.

But, of course, it could be some other much more interesting explanation, right?  Or scientific?

Stretchy Stretch

One of the (frustrating) things about being in a low place for me is feeling pretty sure that there are physical things I could be doing to feel a little better, but not feeling like I can gather the energy to do them.

I've maintained a twenty or so minute walk (or walk on the spot at least) a day and a time outside for a few months now, and the fresh air especially seems to lighten my mood, even if sometimes I'm throwing on a jacket over my pjs because I just can't be bothered to change into "outside" clothes. 

But the other day I felt the motivation to get some yoga going and pulled out the free app I have on my phone.  It was fine.  It always reminds me how yoga is not easy, despite what the media seems to say about it...

I wanted to make a note of how I felt though, so that maybe I can look back in a while and see progress, since I don't always see the mental or emotional progress I make.

So.... I made it through the yoga app program.  And I felt pretty stiff and weak!  And when I was done, my shoulder tried to seize up but I managed to walk that off (thought for a moment there that I might have done myself in.)  Day two of it felt similar... weak and a lot less flexible than I know I've been in the past. 

I'm not going to be hard on myself or beat myself up, rather I'm going to lounge around in how good I feel after finishing.  Because, yes, second day of running through the program I felt pretty mellow after.  Naturally sedated I suppose.  Which felt really very nice.  (Even if a little physically creaky.)

Sooooooo

I know it's a pretty hard thing to ask because everyone's taste is so different, but does anyone have a good tv series they'd recommend?

I know, I know, you don't know what I like or what I've seen which makes it harder... I've seen a lot of good shows lately but they've all been kind of... stressful!  Which is fine, but I'd like some happy for a change, I think.

Thoughts?

Itsy Bitsy And All That

Well the plus side of the rain coming back has been that the ants have stayed hidden.

But since we seem to have skipped winter entirely this year, I'm sure they'll be back, but the land...lord.. manager type person is going to call the ant guy anyway.  Sorry little guys...

I also realized yesterday that I've made it through what has typically been the harder part of the year for me!  Yay!  I made it through Christmas and Valentine's Day and stuff!

Plus the days are getting longer!  I can see it!  And that's so nice.

I've had some weird, sort of frightening (stress?) dreams lately, including the one last night/morning that had my family and I on a cruise that was not a cruise it was sort of Titanic like (I don't know what that means) and more like being on a ferry (you just sat in a seat like on an airplane) and we were being taken off like we were being taken to an internment camp or something awful and I was trying to put all my things into a backpack including both of my umbrellas (I don't know!) but I could tell I had a bladder infection and no one else knew the bad guys were bad except me because they were only sort of starting to be mean and so I tried to ask them for cranberry juice or something but then I realized I probably actually had to pee so I woke up instead.  Un fun, man.

I had a really really bad week or so there anxiety/stress/worry wise but felt a lot better this weekend.  A combination of things I like to think.... acupuncture, the herbal thingies she gave me to try, a relaxation exercise I did with my counsellor, and shutting my brain off from thinking about a couple of things for a while.

Cadbury's Creme eggs have come out again, apparently, but I'm going to continue my dual purposed not eating of them as a sacrifice to the Burning Man ticket gods until after ticket sales from the last few years.  (Bonus being I don't eat my weight in them and save myself the calories, and the possibility that that sacrifice will continue to give me extra ticketing luck.)

I really do think that my body takes sugar and converts it directly to weight.  I really do.  I don't think that's a thing, particularly, but it would explain some of the weight loss I've seen happen this last little while of being off my usual dosage of sugar.

It's not really something I want to mess with either, but I imagine if I were to have a few of them there eggs post ticket sales my scale might reflect it pretty darn quick.

Which brings me around to.... why is it so easy to do the things we don't really want to do (put on excess weight, be miserable) and so much harder to do the things that are healthy?  It really should be the other way.

Annnnyway....  happy Monday.  Or, happy half of chocolate sales day, if that's your thing!

They're Baaaaaaaack!

The ants are back.

Sigh.

I told you it has been a particularly mild winter, and I guess with the sunshine (I know, right?) and "warm"ish days we've had of late... the ants... did whatever they do.  (I don't like the term hatched but... yeah)

Put a message in to my building manager and hope the ant guy from last year will come back and this can be a short lived ant season for me.

Fingers crossed, ok?

Oh?

It's funny, after yesterday's post... I had a session with my very cool new acupuncturist (and by cool, I mean, awesome) and she reminded me that it's ok to rest for times when moving through stuff.  And that it's time for me to put myself first (rather than always fixing/helping/healing others before myself) and that it may all feel uncomfortable and difficult, but I am moving forward and she's "feeling" progress.

And then I got utterly exhausted when my counsellor had me breathe.  Because, yes, that is a major thing for me.  I think I kind of control my breath in order to keep emotions and feelings under control so to be in that kind of a vulnerable space and be asked to breathe aka feel?  Ugh.  HARD.  DO NOT LIKE.

But as they say, the only way over is through...

My homework for the week then is to breathe.  And to stop planning. 

Which kills me.  But as he said, it's clearly not helping.  And if the goal is calm?  Can't keep doing what's got me to where I am.

So I'm going to .... not think about vans and/or DPW and/or Burning Man until I either hear back from DPW, or tickets go on sale, or my counsellor says I can plan again.

Or something.

Which looks on paper a whole lot easier than it feels inside my me.

Why can't it be and feel easier to make positive change?

Seriously.

I Don't Know

The doctor calls them "panic attacks"  because of the physical symptoms that are manifesting.  I don't know about that and don't like the term anyway, but that's not really the point here.

The point is, as I was going through one of these "feeling really awful" moments yesterday I realized I'm weird about medicating during those moments.

Like, I have some stuff that my doctor gave me ages ago when I was freaking out about flying, but I still haven't ever really used them.  But I also have some natural stuff that was recommended to me and some other natural stuff that my acupuncturist is having me try.

And yet, when I'm in that state of feeling awful, I think I forget.  Or something.  Or maybe I feel like it's not "bad enough"?  Like the times over the last few months when it was really really bad?

I don't know.  I just was curled up on my couch yesterday, trying to take calming breaths and I realized... I haven't taken any sort of medication, natural or otherwise to try to help me through this... what's that about?

So I got up and chewed one of the natural chewy things and put some of the droplet stuff in a glass of water and drank it and maybe it's that I can't tell if they work... there's no instant relief.  Maybe it's that it's a gradual calm that it doesn't seem like something I would think of.  It's not like putting ice on a burn.

Or maybe I want to be stronger than those feelings and force them away myself.

I probably do that with other things at times too, but even with a headache... once it gets to a certain point/level/length?  I'm going for that advil.

Something for me to think about...

Wow

Well, there's one less thing I'm in limbo over.

Max responded to my message and would rather I completely bypass his camp and crew.

Which...

I mean, I understand.  It's his happy place, his space.... but... I can not begin to fathom what has gone on in his brain that he reacts this strongly to even the idea of me being around.

Fine... one thing to say, hey, please don't camp with us, but don't even come by for a visit?  What is so wrong with whatever thoughts he has around me that makes him react this way?

I'm stunned, to be honest. 

And, yes, I know I could completely ignore him and some people might, but I respect Burning Man and what it means to people and I care about other human beings enough to respect the fact that he doesn't want to see me.

Sucks for me.  I connected really well with a lot of the people there, and with the randomness of Burning Man being what it is, it's not so easy to meet up with people or plan to cross paths.  Staying with someone in the same camp doesn't even ensure you'll see each other... just makes it a lot more likely.  So those people that I'd wanted to see and hug and hang out with, I doubt I will be able to this year, all because Max doesn't want to see me around.  That hurts.  Feels a whole lot less mature than I thought he was.

Which then sucks again, because I don't like feeling like I so wrongly misjudged him. 

Perhaps that's the risk of spending so little time with someone and in such a glorious place...  Or perhaps there are some people who really are that different in terms of the face/mask they show and who they are behind it.

But, staying with that particular group of people is something it looks like I won't be doing this Burning Man.  Will just have to find a delicate way of letting the few I really wanted to see know....

And I guess they can keep having their illusion of who Max is and he can keep presenting his mask to them.

Playa provides though, and 2017's a whole new year.

Just saying...

But still.  Ouch.  Really.

Limbo

It sucks to wake up and instantly feel worried/anxious/stressed, it really does.

I'm trying to have fewer mornings like that, and I'm also trying to let things go.

As in... if it's meant to be, it'll work out.

I sent an email to Max to ask if he'd be ok if I decided to camp with his camp at Burning Man this year.  I don't honestly expect him to say yes, I feel like if he's not even able to say hi, he probably won't want to see me in his happy place, and I will give him that space if he wants it...  So that's out of my control for now. 

I sent an email to work people asking about the process of withdrawing from the financial thing, so that's out of my control for now.

Burning Man ticket sale information has gone out and there's nothing I can do but wait for the sale to happen, so that's out of my control for now.

I chatted with the fellow I contacted regarding volunteering for Burning Man and he's sent my name on to someone and says if I haven't heard from him in a month or so to send him an email back, so that's out of my control for now.

I can't go ahead with anything van related until I know what might happen money wise, and all the information I could or perhaps "should" sort through feels like too much right now so I'm avoiding that.  At least for today.

I guess it's a little bit of a limbo.  I'm trying not to stress over things, and I've taken steps forward and am now waiting to hear back.

I do still vacillate between thinking I'll just not bother with a van, or volunteering, or Burning Man, and then thinking I should try.  Each of them still feels really huge and overwhelming, so it's easiest for my poor brain to take a break, or "distract" as I put it, or utilize one of my "survival resources" as my counsellor puts it.  I dunno.

I suppose I'll figure it out or be forced out of it for some reason or another... we shall see.

Holiday!

Madonna - Holiday



It's Family Day.  Which hasn't always been a thing, but is now so yay for that.  Here's to couches and blankets all damn day if I want!

But...

But what if....

What if I do it and it's awesome?

What if

a) I find the money and it's not a big deal to have withdrawn from that work thing because I'm so happy with my camper van and the times I get to take off for the weekend that I feel that much happier about things I don't miss having the time off?

b) I find a great van that's been taken care of and have it checked out and do all the upgrades Jason's suggesting for safety and comfort and durabilty and that comes out under budget and I have a really solid van that can do long trips taking gear and easily go down some of the not so paved roads we have here that lead to pretty sites.

c) I do whatever conversions to the van to make it warm for maybe Winter camping, but also cool for desert summer camping?

d) I do install a vent and an a/c unit and the solar I'd like to have and get another external solar setup for Burning Man and so it's never too hot in there anyway because I've managed to set it up to be able to be cooled without running a generator or anything?

e) I get someone to do the paint job I've already imagined in my head and it looks super cool and fun and makes me smile every time I see it?

f) I'm super comfortable driving it.  Maybe install a back up camera if that worries me, or, I don't know, extra mirrors or something.

g) I have the most amazing road trip down to Nevada by myself and then feel really proud for having done it?

h) I find out I'm really good at doing this kind of thing and start buying vans to reno and end up being able to make money from that?

i) I relax and trust that everything's going to be ok no matter what I choose to do and that if I go to Burning Man, or don't go this year, both of those choices or decisions will be fine.

j) I have an even better time at Burning Man this year than I've ever had before?

k) Having this van means I travel more and see more things?  I mean, I like camping, but it always feels like a huge deal to have to pack everything and set up the tent and tarp and all the rest.  Maybe with a van I'd just get some food, fill up the tank and go.

l) It turned out to be super awesome to just get to a camp site and not have to do anything?  Other than maybe set up a canopy or something?  To just arrive and be done.

m) I could sit on top of my van to watch the sunset (not sure what the imaginary van will have as a top, that's still under debate... high top?  pop top?  regular top?  I'd really like to have solar, and that may limit things.... I don't know... yet)

o) it all just works?

p) I can relax into this and enjoy it and be proud of myself and doing this?

q) it's one of those things I'd look back on in 5...10 years and wish I had done, rather then wish I hadn't?

r) I win or come into a lot of money unexpectedly and so worrying about the money isn't as big a deal as it might seem?

s) I find out that going on road trips and doing the driving myself is fun?

t) I do get accepted to volunteer for DPW and I take my sweet little car to the desert for a month?  she might die from the dust, or at least be less pretty?  wouldn't it be better and easier and possibly awesomer to have a van?

u) I do end up camping more because when people say "do you want to go camping" I know all I have to do is park my van and I'm super comfy?

v) this van ends up being the way I get to see the Grand Canyon?  because I've always sort of wanted to see it and maybe if I have this van that's totally awesome for long road trips and easy and great to camp with I could do it

w) oh, and Canon Beach in Oregon, that always looks super pretty

x) the bed my van would have would surely be big enough for someone awesome to come with me on my trips and share snuggles with

y) I enjoyed the process of buying, renovating, driving and camping in a van that I decided to take on as a project without having to check in with a bunch of people to see if they thought it was something I should do?

z) it's a really great idea and totally pulls me out of a lot of not happy thoughts and times?

Seriously?

A van?  Seriously?  I'm considering buying a used van?  ARE YOU KIDDING????

Because, no.  Just, no.  This is not in any way a good idea.

Because
a) I've never driven a van, so I probably will hate it and never feel comfortable doing it. 
b) I don't have the money, really to do it
c) I don't even know where I'd park it, nevermind work on it. 
d) I don't know things about vehicles and campers and it all seems like it'll cost way more money than I might be able to find. 
e) I don't know that I trust Jason as much as I'd like to as an expert on this
f) I don't really have anyone else close to me that I feel like I could even talk to about this, nevermind feel supported on about this
g) there's no point.  it's not like I could actually handle getting myself in this van I can't drive down to Burning Man, where it's clearly not going to survive the heat or dust and
h) how am I supposed to decide what kind of van and then to actually know if the person selling it is being honest or if it's a money pit
i) this is all just too much, I have too much going on already and no one is going to Burning Man this year because of the dollar so maybe I'm stupid to want to go
j) I wake up some mornings not wanting to go anyway so maybe I should just... not? 
k) am I really going to start going camping on weekends and things now just because I have this magic van that doesn't exist? 
l) the amount of things I feel like I have to figure out is utterly overwhelming.  I can't even start making a list because it's too much
m) ok, I started making a list about what I might want in a van, but it's clearly going to be too expensive
n) how on earth is any of this going to come together?  the money?  somewhere to put the van?  finding the van?  which one?  fixing it up?  making it safe and comfortable and all of the above?  HOW????????
o) what if it's all a disaster?
p) what if it ends up being a "waste" of money somehow
q) this isn't just as simple as "maybe buying a van", it's maybe find the money (sacrifice), and maybe find the "right" (there is no "right") van, and maybe somehow get myself to a far away place, and then maybe maybe be down there for weeks and then maybe camp with Max's friends that I know but don't really know and at what point does this sound fun?
r) I don't want to go to Burning Man by myself and I don't want to go with a stranger who might be awful
s) I don't want to do something that's going to make me feel and think this miserable for so long... can I do this and be like, this is so much fun and awesome and look I'm learning things?  I don't know?
t) I've made a list that's this long and I feel like I can't just stop now and really have to get to the end of the alphabet
u) the few people I've mentioned it to have all said... why don't you just rent a camper for this year and see how you like it?  Uh... because?  Money?  And... I don't want to?  And, there's a part of me that thinks it would be really really cool to drive down there in a van I made just the way I like it.  Like... I did that.
v) I really dislike how my body reacts when I'm feeling stressed and upset so I tend to avoid things that make me feel this way, and everything about this idea is stressing me, so I feel icky.  I don't think that'll change
w) there are too many decisions and I'm the only one who can make them
x) but maybe a teardrop trailer would be good?
y) if Max hadn't broken up with me, we'd still be camping together and I could probably just fly down to him... oh no, wait, I couldn't... I would have gone on the New Mexico trip and not have the cancelled flights to use... cancel that thought
z) how will I feel if I hate everything about the trip down and the week (or longer) down there and then have to come back to work and it's like I won't like that either and will no longer have the banked time off work coming up because I used it to make this van

So... yeah... that's what I'm up against.  Often from first waking up in the morning til the time I manage to get myself to sleep. 

Which means I'm considering and trying to deal with all of those horrible, not helpful thoughts while reprogramming the way I think about things, while feeling icky in my tummy (simplest way to explain my body's reaction to stress) and still dealing with all of the life things that are hard right now.

From The Low

So I'm there, in this horribly low place, not seeing any hope or point in anything at all but because I'd set the wheels in motion for maybe doing this volunteering thing, my brain was like, hey, cool, let me worry (read: obsess a bit) over that! 

And so I'm stressing over this thing that isn't happening yet but that stress isn't helping me at all because it's just more misery.  Accompanied by physical discomfort.  (My counsellor and I are talking about this phenomenon/situation right now... it's very interesting.)  And on the second week of very bad days, I'm crying on the phone to Jason and I mention that I can't even figure out how to get myself to Nevada BY MYSELF because I can't.  I can't.  And I can't afford a teardrop trailer and my car can't tow one anyway.  At this point, Jason stops me.

If your car's not rated to tow, stop thinking about towing with it.  It'll break the (insert car information here.)  Ok, fine,  more tears.  Clearly not going to help DPW, because I don't LIKE Burning Man and can't get there by myself anyway.

Ok, he says... but what if... what if you say, bought a van.  And turned it into a camper.  And drove yourself down in that?

To which my miserable brain responded with I CAN'T DRIVE A VAN!  THEY'RE TOO BIG! I'D HIT THINGS.  AND RUN OUT OF GAS!  (No, really, this is what my "unhappy" brain comes up with.... that I will clearly be physically unable to drive a van without scraping it against other cars and hitting curbs.  And that there's no way I'll have enough gas to get from Alturas to Gerlach.  Oh, and nevermind getting through Portland with the bridge and five million lanes and ten million cars.  Can't.)

But, Jason and I ended up talking until three that night.  About this idea.

"You haven't sounded this animated and interested in anything in a long while V."

And it was true, I didn't feel quite so .... dead.

Overwhelmed, sure, but not stuck in that "nothing to get up for" feeling.

So... the idea of maybe getting a van (or conversion van) and renovating it to take me down to the desert (and maybe other places) feels like the thing that saved me from a very very very dark place.

Of course, it's an entirely new set of stresses and thoughts for my "unhappy" brain to run with but at least I was in a different (if not relaxing) spot.

The Low

So I've had all this going on and all those things combined and I hit some really really low points post Christmas / early January.  Like, really low.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone, because I wasn't wanting to kill myself, I just didn't see the point of being here anymore.  And I was even sort of beyond feeling worried about that.  I didn't know what to do, other than to keep on trying to "get through" it, and Jason was the only person I felt I could talk to in those days and he said a similar thing... "it doesn't seem like you have a reason to live."  Which sounds harsh, perhaps, out of context but was exactly what I was feeling.  This sense of "what's the point of me being here, really?"  No passion, no zest, no people or animals or events I felt I "had" to live for.  And not enough of a sense of hope for anything.  I remember waking up a morning or two and going, you know what?  I don't even want to go to Burning Man ever again.  It's stupid.  No way.  Done. 

And everything was working against me anyway.  My app on my phone that was tracking my daily steps just kept wanting me to take MORE steps week after week and even that little small thing wasn't encouraging, it was just asking too much.  And my stomach didn't want to eat anything.  Or let me swallow it.  So when you're crying over a phone app.... staying alive for what seems like an utterly hopeless and difficult "life" is kind of.... too much.

But I'd had a small idea.  And the idea was to try to think outside of the box and find a way to make my current life/work situation....better.  I thought about what it might be like if I arranged my work schedule to allow me to have all of August off and to then use that time to volunteer for Burning Man's Department of Public Works (DPW)... the people who go down to the desert early to set up the city and then stay after everyone leaves to clean it up and ensure Burning Man leaves no trace.   It's a huge job and one I've always found intimidating, but hey.... it would be a challenge.  And maybe having that once a year would give me something to balance out my not so happy rest of the year.  Maybe?  And so somewhere (before Christmas, actually) I sent a message to a member of DPW I follow on social media.  It was one of the more terrifying things I've ever done, sending that "hi stranger, can I ask you about volunteering with DPW?" message.... because it meant that maybe, just maybe it might happen.

Which sent my mind off on a whirl of possible planning/thinking/worrying.  Sigh.

Because, really?  Was I really thinking of going down to an alkaline desert and "living" there for a month?  The same desert that destroys my hands and fingers and lungs and hair after a friggin week?  And the heat?  And all those people who know each other and not me, and who are tougher than me and have done this before?  FOR A MONTH?  How would I ever come back to work after that, assuming I survived it?

Oh, and by the way, how would I get down there?  Because it's not as if I'd be driving down with Connor, you know, hey buddy, can you drive me and my gear down and then drop me off and then drive back by yourself and then come get me at the end of the Burning Man week?  Cool, thanks.  I still have the flight credit, could I fly to... Reno?  And then what?  Hi stranger, can you come pick me and my stuff up?  Wait, what stuff?  What do you even bring down for a month there?  I already run out of socks for a week there.  And what about the drive itself.  I've never driven that far!  I can't possibly drive all the way to Nevada by myself.  And then arrive... somewhere I've never been before and try to find people I don't know in a place I don't know, are you kidding me????? NO EFFING WAY.

And so I didn't sleep that night.  Or, at least not much.  And I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't happening.  That I'd just sent a message.  That was all.  It might never happen.  To stop worrying about something that was either months away or not going to happen.  That I could worry about things once I maybe heard back from the guy.  Or, you know, in Spring.  Or Summer.

But I did start thinking a lot about the ride down, and that's where the seemingly random idea of looking into a trailer came from.  That maybe I'd throw a little teardrop trailer on my car and... not have to set up my tent every night I was travelling.  Or.... something.

Which then involved money stress.  Because money has been very tight.  I've been enrolled in a savings program through work that takes a chunk of my pay for X number of years and then will allow me to have paid time of for X number of months in the future.  But it means living on a reduced income.  Which is doable.... but not enjoyable.  Plus I made some choices a few years back that put me into my Line of Credit and that stresses me constantly.  So then I'm thinking about this "maybe get a trailer to do the drive you don't feel comfortable doing to get to the place you don't feel comfortable going to" oh, and by the way, it costs money you don't have, unless you pull out of that program and never, ever ever get that paid time off work you've SO been looking forward to.

F*ck.

I didn't hear back from the guy anyway, and fell in love with an ultra lightweight trailer that would cost even more than my car did when it was new (no, I don't magically have that money in the program oh, and US exchange rate too, sorry) and plus, my car isn't rated to tow in North America.  And, no way I could even do this anyway.

And then the lows hit and none of it mattered anyway because...see above.  I didn't even want to go to Burning Man anyway.  It all just was so completely pointless and hopeless.

As you can see, I didn't talk about any of this. I haven't had a day quite like that/those (knock on wood) in a while, and I hope not to again.  I'm going to break off this post now.... will catch you up with what broke me out of that awful funk (for better or worse) tomorrow.

Oh

I did an experiment yesterday.  I had a not so good weekend with regards to craving/wanting chocolate (specifically a Crunchy bar, go figure) and so I got through the argh of those days (mainly because I didn't have any sugar/sweets/chocolate in my place) and just kind of... toughed my way through.

But yesterday I decided to see what would happen if I did, in fact, have a chocolate bar, so I walked to the store and... they were out of Crunchy bars.  Fine.  Wasn't anything else that particularly jumped out at me and I really only half wanted to do this but I ended up getting one of those ice cream cone things.  Drumstick types. I figured it had some substance to it so would have at least a touch of protein or something and would maybe been more filling than whatever else I might have tried.

I figure it'd probably been three weeks, give or take, since I'd really cut down and I wanted to see how it'd go.

It was gross.

I didn't even really enjoy the first two or three bites, but they were fine and then it was like, oh man.. I have to get through the rest of this, really?

I know I could have chucked the rest out, but I sort of wanted to finish it.  And I feel like I was forcing myself.  It was not enjoyable.  I don't even know if it was that it was overly sweet or just not what I wanted.  Certainly my body wasn't "craving" what it had been craving... which was... odd at the least.

Right after I forced the thing down, I washed it down with water and some salty chips.  (Sure, not terribly healthy but the sugar flavour wasn't awesome either)  I wished that there was some way to sort of un-do it.

I can't say for sure if I felt weird after, maybe a little foggy brained, but that's hard to say... brains can be foggy anyway, and I can't say particularly one way or the other if I was feeling anxious sort of feelings or just worried about something else but I didn't feel OOH AAAH after.  I mean, like after I have a good solid meal with protein, I swear I can actually feel my body feeling better.  I didn't feel that with this.

If anything, it made me hungry, which I'm assuming would be a blood sugar/insulin sort of thing.

I'm sure if I made myself go back to the candy and sugar and pop routines I had I'd adjust soon enough and "enjoy" it but that, I did not enjoy.

It reminds me of my first year on playa, when I'd brought a bunch of candy to nibble on and then found it all too sweet.  I didn't enjoy it... until I got home and ate it all.

So, yeah.  Ick.

Weird.

I think I'll stick to my sugar free gum, fruit, naturally sweetened cereal, and occasional chocolate milk. Doesn't satisfy me in an emotional way but seems to be fine for my body.

Edited to add:  Also noticing that I for sure woke up wanting sweets this morning.  Wanted jam on my toast (don't have jam), put honey on instead, and still wanted something sweeter.  

Well Then

Well, it's February.  Not that that has anything to do with this post but unless things are going to get much colder, I don't think we're going to see any snow at all here this Winter.  And yes, I'm afraid we do have blossoms already showing.  Sorry.

I was thinking the other day that maybe I should use this blog as a sort of dual purpose thing right now.  Because I do have a lot on my mind and one of the things I have on my mind I feel like I have to do some writing about or journalling about to maybe figure it out and hey... I could just as easily babble type here and then press publish and, well, then there'd be more for you to read.  Or not.

Might mean changing the title of the blog to "Thing Victoria is Thinking About Right Now" but if you came here to hear about me dating, you might want to shrug that off anyway.  Not on my radar.  Like, at all.

I mean, other than grumbling over Max from time to time and feeling confused by his seeming inability to say hello or be friendly (but let's not go there) or missing a calm, loving presence in my life to cuddle and be held by, I am not at all interested in the process of dating, or trying to get to know someone new.  No thanks.  Anyway.

So let me give you a small amount of background.

I'm not all that happy with my life.  Or perhaps joyful.  Or something.  I've always sort of put it down to my job being excessively draining for me (don't talk about work) and that I then don't have the energy or whatever to do anything which leaves me feeling like I don't have much of a life except going to work which then makes me feel pressured about work because if it's kind of all I have the energy to do and it's how I pay my bills, well, that's not much fun.  I know that some of this may possibly change with the counselling or whatnot, but I also know that if I'm not going to take a huge risk and change careers (terrifying and not so simple to do) I should try to figure out how to make the most of what I have.

I worry, sometimes, that people are unhappy in their lives and make grand, sweeping changes (divorce, move, infidelity, quitting jobs) and then find themselves still unhappy, but now with different circumstances.  So I thought that maybe I should try some ways of making myself maybe happier with what I have and where I am and if that doesn't cut it, then look at bigger picture things.  But either way, it goes back to this feeling of man... this is a lot of work.

It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change jobs.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change my thought patterns.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to try new things and stretch my comfort zones.  So... I guess it's just a matter of which pile of "a lot of work" I decide to take on.

I've been feeling like I'm taking on ALL OF THE THINGS and trying to change everything all at once.  Look at job postings, while trying to retrain my thought patterns, while trying to figure out how to do things I don't know how to do and don't feel comfortable doing, while trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically, and while not really sharing this with anyone, while going to counselling, while getting over a breakup, while realizing I'm not all that happy with my life, while trying to be positive, while trying to let myself feel my feelings, while, while, while, while, while and all I want, like I said the other day, is to lie, comfortably and easily in a really nice place where everything is easy and I don't have to think about a certain thing.  Because nothing is easy right now.  Or not much, anyway.  And my body keeps telling me it's time to panic.  Or run far and fast.  But not actually.  Oh, and did you remember that thing you think you forgot?

So, yeah....I was really happy at Burning Man this year.  So happy.  And, yes, I know it's "a holiday" and "vacation time" and "not reality" but I had that time of feeling really really happy. And I came back and I wasn't.  And it was a big shock.  Incredibly difficult and unsettling and added on to all the other things I've been learning and going through, something had to change.

And here we are.