Ha!

I just went looking for my "blog post notes" and found them (right where they always are!) and I think some of them are way older than I knew!

Like, there's this one note that says "elk-bird" which is a reminder for me to tell you about the time Jason and I drove somewhere and I saw elk for the first time in my life and then this awesomely huge bird flew low and yeah it's a reminder to tell that story.

So I was thinking about it.. "when did we see those elk?" and my brain went Spring/Summer?  But then I remembered, no, it was right after Jason got out of the hospital... well that wasn't during Covid... was it two Springs ago?  WHAT?  Have I been sitting on these notes for a year and a half?

I suppose that makes sense. I write down the reminder notes but I have to be in the right headspace to tell the story and, well, this pandemic has kind of sidelined a whole lot of headspace for the better part of a year now (almost 10 months now?  here at least.)

And there's another note about something that must have happened two or more years ago even though I remember it clear as day.

And some of you right now are going "wait, what?  Jason was in the hospital" and yeah, I guess I maybe never talked about that either since there are just notes saying "ER-sick" that I'm seeing further down my list... whoops!

So yeah, I have notes for posts from ... er... things that happened a couple of years ago.  Whoops! (Time is weird... extra weird, and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Fingers Crossed.... I Guess?

As I start so many posts after all these years.... "I can't remember if I talked about it before but..."

About two years ago my trusty laptop started really... uh... struggling.

She's got a good number of years on her and served me really super well but.... age.... and such.  And with me starting to learn digital art and running those programs as well as digital photography, the amount of time things were stalling out (beach ball!) or crashing or glitching was a lot.  And I was worried I'd lose all my files, etc etc.

Not being in a financially sound situation, I looked into used laptops (way not my thing) and a small loan (not able to get right now due to said financial situation... go figure) I made the choice, for the first time ever in my life to lease.

Leasing has never been something I've liked the idea of and I'm very grateful I've always been able to afford not to, but this time it seemed like the "only" solution I was comfortable with, so I went ahead and leased a newer laptop.

The leasing itself was smooth, if pricey, and the laptop was miles ahead (amazing what 5+ years of progress can do!) and although it has some glitches (the "butterfly" keyboard was a major misstep by apple... mine has been replaced once almost right away and needs replacing again hello space bar you just love to jump in extra spaces don't you!) (I also think there are possible logic board issues but.... yeah...)

This month was the time on the lease I could exchange for a newer laptop and start a new lease and after wishing fervently I could afford to buy straight out, I've made the choice to start a new lease and exchange laptops.

(I'm going to try really hard to save up enough to buy the computer out a year from now as per lease agreement....)

I'm anxious about the new laptop as I've never before had to give up my old one when a new one arrived.  I've usually done data transfer and all that myself and kept the old one around as a weird backup sort of thing.

(Sadly, my old old laptop has just recently shown signs of no longer being ok.  It's making me sad... I get attached to things others say are "inanimate"!)

Jason is helping me backup this laptop and I'm hoping I can wipe it before taking it to the place cuz I'm just not comfortable with having my stuff.... just... THERE for someone else.  Not that there's anything super awful or embarassing it's just... that's my life.  It's private, you know?

I have no idea which type of laptop I'll be getting.  Apple launched a new something something (M1?) the week after I'd ordered mine (through the leasing folks) and so I'll find out if it's the new new or the kind of new.

I do know that it will not be the OS I'm currently running.  Apple just brought out Big Sur (which has had issues... as they usually do of late) and I'm two OS behind it.

It may mean that my programs won't work.

It may mean that I no longer have the ability to make digital art or work on my photos until I figure out when I can afford the (STUPID) subscriptions to, say Photoshop and Illustrator.  Sigh.  (Have I mentioned my intense dislike of subscriptions for programs and software???)

So I'm telling myself I will just deal with whatever comes up... be it bricked software, or losing passwords or whatever.

I'm trusting Jason's IT knowledge and skill to help (while also feeling guilty about asking for help and using up his time, bah).

And I'm wishing I had been able to afford to buy this new laptop outright and do the data transfer myself etc etc.

The leasing company says I can't have both laptops at the same time but that they'll do the data transfer for me for free.  I appreciate this, but I'm not comfortable with it so... multiple (redundancies for the win!) backups and such at home and then a system wipe (all of this with Jason's help and my guilt and stress) and we hope for the best.

But this too is an added stressor at the moment... but soon will pass.  As they say.

Here's to hoping it all goes in the best possible way for me and as smoothly as possible.  All things considered.

(First world problems amIrite?)

I'm Making An "Well, That's Awkward" Face

Me:  Looking over the last couple of posts... "Well gosh, I'm miserable aren't I?"

Also me:  "Um, yeah, well it's not even the middle of dark and dreary weather and the days are really short and there's still a global pandemic and my province is struggling with it right now and a few folks around me are having a hard time of things and you always said this was your vent space where you could just say... whatever and get it off your chest."

Me: "Oh... right... but still... I feel badly!"

Also me:  "Yeah, you should probably try to let that go, eh?"

An Example

I have a thing going on right now that's causing me quite a bit of anxiety and I thought I'd use it as an example of how frustrating "having" anxiety can be.

Over the last week or two my upstairs neighbours (pretty sure it's them) have been using packing tape.  Not, like, all the time, but certainly on weekends.  You know the sound... FWWWWWIIIIIIIIIP-tear...  Packing tape...

I'm anxious.

Anxious that they're packing up boxes to move.  

We've had a few folks move out of our building over the last month or two (or more?) and they were all folks I knew and (for the most part) liked. 

The folks above me?  Yeah, I really like them.  They're SO nice and sweet and selfishly.... they're so quiet.

I'm anxious, like not "worried" or "concerned", I am having genuine struggles with anxiety over the fact that they might be moving.

Because if they move (my anxiety says) whoever moves in will be noisy.  Noisier.  

I've dealt with it before in this building and having to ask the manager to let someone know is always stressful for me.  But so is hearing un-necessary noise in a building that has thin floors and walls and little to no soundproofing (I'm guessing none...)

When I had a new neighbour below me and I asked the manager to remind her to watch the placement of her speakers (as they were rattling my couch), I then got an angry knock on my door and that neighbour holding a small speaker and well, yeah, it was stressful (and during a pandemic extra so!) and she mentioned it EVERY time we spoke from then on "I got a noise complaint!!!"  Well no, you didn't... but... anyway...

So now I have someone new moving in below me (I think they're young guys....) and now the possibility of someone(s) new moving in above me?  Oh lord.

I value my quiet so so so much.  Note I didn't say "silence".  But yeah... my anxiety (I need to stop saying "my" but I don't know what else to say...) has me all messed up that my upstairs neighbours might be packing.  Might be leaving.  And might be replaced by noisier people who will make my day to day and my night to night not ok.

I dislike feeling this way and having these thoughts stress me out. 

I know they may just be sending a lot of Christmas parcels or... some other explanation.  I know I could, in theory, knock on their door and ask "ARE YOU ABANDONING ME???" (ahem) but... I, again... can't control anything (me not wanting them to move won't stop whatever living situation they've chosen.  Me wanting quiet neighbours doesn't mean the manager will choose the "right" tenants.)

Now multiply this sort of upsetting thought pattern by... a lot ... and you start to see how exhausting and stressful anxiety can be for someone.

Because yeah, this is just one example, and living with anxiety is exhausting. 

Let's Try That Again

I thought I'd started a post, but it turns out I'd just replied to a text so um yeah, how's your Monday going?

I, like every other month this year, am looking at the calendar/date a little baffled.  I get it... time is a construct and time ticks on  no matter what is going on in our human day to day. 

I don't listen to the health authority announcements anymore.  I don't listen to or watch the Prime Minister speeches.  I do, occasionally watch a summary and I certainly look to the media for the gist of what's going on but for me the truth is I've pretty much been in lockdown since March (because of my life and life situation right now) so the province going into a "two week" attempted lockdown changes nothing for me.  But.... it stresses me out.

It stresses me out because I don't know what others are going to do and there is a loud minority that gets a lot of attention that is doing and saying things that I personally feel are counterproductive to the health of our province, city, country and ME and my loved ones.  

I'm not a public health person, I'm not an epidemiologist (Wow did I spell that right first go!?), I'm not a politician.... it's not my job to figure this stuff out or to figure out how to best protect/guide the public.  I try to remind myself that I can only do what I can do... keep my distance, wash my hands, wear my mask, etc etc.  And I also have to be aware of my mental health and the fact that anxiety and depression lead my thoughts in certain not helpful ways. 

Me being anxious about a potential surge/spike in cases and hospitalizations post "Holiday season" is not going to help anyone.   If I worry at 100% for the next month it still won't change anything.  My family has made their choices about Christmas (no visits, no gatherings - presents not necessary) and if any of them had thought to have a gathering I would have had to make my own choices around that.  I can't control anyone else.  If a friend asks me for advice I suppose I can give it but it's hard not to feel an anxiety that if I just STRESS OUT enough.... things will be ok.

Because they'll be what they'll be... all my counselling and stuff tries to point this out to me on the regular.

Sigh.

Anyway.  It's the end of November.  Whether it  feels like it or not.  I'm still not doing much, not seeing many, etc etc.  I could get better with my hand washing and sanitizing I suppose.  I wonder about trying out some different masks than those I have, but also don't want to spend more money.  

Er... sorry for the downer post on a Monday... insert something mildly amusing here to change the topic?

A Hello

Some of you (readers/commenters/lurkers) I haven't heard from since the pandemic and lockdown (and some of you probably longer than that) and I just wanted you to know if you're reading this right now I'm thinking about you and hoping you and yours are ok and as unaffected as possible.

And if you're not reading this... I hope you maybe just feel a happy, loving thought come your way and that somehow your day is just a little easier.

Who knew we'd be here, eh?  (Epidemiologists everywhere timidly raise their hands....) 

Thinking about you all... really truly. 

Um, No Thanks!

My dream last night/this morning was quite a muddle...

See, I was a high school student again,  but as an adult.  That makes NO sense I know, but it did at the time.  Like, I/we for SURE are in high school and high school aged but I/we looked like... now.  But it wasn't weird, it just was (thanks brain.)

And we were back in school after ages off and we were all SO happy to see each other we were hugging and crying and it was in the middle of all this wonderful feeling of getting to see each other again and hug and connect that I realized it was still a pandemic and in the dream I sort of started to panic and say "we're supposed to be wearing masks!  You guys!!!" and then I woke myself up cuz it was now a stressful unhappy dream but... what?

High school?  Adult?  Not supposed to be hugging, supposed to be wearing masks... I mean I get that part - missing connection and all but the high school part is a bit beyond my guesses.  (Maybe times were simpler?)

I would NOT like to be a high school student right now, that's for sure.  Even pre-pandemic - the social media stuff and just... so many things I'm incredibly grateful did not exist when I was a teen.

Dreams are weird.  Not happy dreams are extra weird!

The Race!

For the first time I can remember, I am racing to finish a book.

It's a large book.  Five hundred and something pages.  (It's "Leviathan Wakes" btw.)

The day I picked it up from the library I didn't think I would be able to finish it in the... whatever it is, two?  three? weeks you get?  I tried to renew it but it has holds so I'm not allowed and never ever in my life have I not returned a book on time so I can't just... you know, pay late fees.  So I've had a couple of tiny little stress moments where I put pressure on myself to read FASTER or something and I worried about not finishing in time (stupid anxiety)... would I put a hold on it and have to wait months to find out how things ended?  Would I stay up super late the last night and finish it out of spite not even really enjoying it?  WHAT WOULD I DO?

And I didn't want to stress myself over the book but it was coming down to the wire this week so I decided to do some math.  It seems the authors (it's co-written but under a single pen name) made each chapter about ten-ish pages.  So on Monday I had around 90 pages (about 9 chapters) left and I told myself I could do three chapters a night (I really only read in bed these days) and rush it back to the library tomorrow just under the wire.  I figured that was doable. 

And then I ended up not paying attention to the chapters anyway and just wanting to find out what happened and ugh, ok, one more chapter and so now I'm done and yeah.  I really didn't expect to be able to read the whole thing but I did!   I guess that's a good book, eh? (Some of the early chapters did drag a bit but that's ok.)

Let's Do The Time Warp Again. Because This Year.

I was confirming some appointment or other and had the "you what?" moment that I seem to have had every month this year of "it's what date?  Already???"

I was thinking the other day about how I skipped over Halloween.

Like, I know I mentioned it here, and I know I saw... stuff and I ate the little mini chocolate bars but also it didn't happen.  

I know, I know, that doesn't make sense but that's also this year.  Christmas is soon.   Apparently.  And while I'm not "doing" it this year (my family have talked about it and all agreed) I am also... not... feeling at all like it?

Like,  I sat down the other day to write cards to far away relatives and friends and all the stuff on the cards felt so... fake and far away.  And what was I to say, Merry Christmas?  But... that's not a thing.  There's a pandemic.  I decided to go with wishing everyone the best for a happy and healthy new year but what I really wanted to say was "I'm sorry things are so bizarre and I'm only sending this card as a formality and I hope next year is completely boring."

So, yeah.  I feel like I both missed/skipped Halloween and all the things around it while also having the knowledge that it did happen and it was nearly three weeks ago.  

Damn.

I wish I could look ahead to January as some sort of reset, but this "not normal" isn't set to any human calendars or schedules so.... yeah.

SpringEasterRemembranceDayHalloweenAutumn-going to be Winter soon and 2021 after that and did this year even happen?

Relieved (And Cleaned!)

I am grateful that I'm able to have two dental checkups/cleanings a year - let me start there.

When covid lockdowns hit,  my dentist called and postponed my scheduled Springtime cleaning.  

I tried extra hard to keep my teeth clean knowing it might be a while before they were able to a) reopen and b) get me in.  During the last chunk of months I noticed one side of my teeth had an area that was a little sentsitive when I chewed on it.  So... I stopped chewing on it.  (I know, right?) After a month or two of only chewing on one side I started to get this one sided "headache" from time to time and I slowly put the pieces together (as best I could with, you know, zero dental training!) I know that a lot of my stress has gone into my jaw during this time and the headache I was feeling was most likely actually referred pain from chewing only on that one side.  But... I still hadn't heard from my dentist and wasn't sure what to do.

A week or two ago I decided to just call them to check in.  They ended up having a cancellation and the other day I was able to get in for my first cleaning and check up in a year.  

I was pretty dang nervous about it due to covid exposure risk and I took something to calm me down the morning of.  I was extra anxious because they had me fill out all sorts of forms that basically made it sound like I'd get covid by going.  (Yes, that's what anxiety can do sometimes...take something "normal" and make it terrifying... it sucks.)

I mentioned to the hygenist that I'd had to take something for anxiety and she assured me that all the new/additional protocols they'd added would mean I was pretty safe  - and that she would be as well.

The cleaning went SUPER well (phew! and yay me!) and the dentist wonders if I may have chipped some material inside a tooth on the sore side so I'm back in a few weeks for some adjustments to... uh... something (was hard to hear,  masks and shields and all) and to my night guards (I explained that on the really stressed nights I can't seem to keep them in as it just feels like I'm clenching too much and he explained that he understands, but also that those are the nights I need them in most... for protection.

I'm very aware right now that our province is sort of hovering on potential closures again and so I'm valuing what appointments I can get while I can.  I'm also getting increasingly anxious and uncomfortable at said appointments so it is a bit of a balancing act for me right now.

But I am very glad they were able to fit me in and check out the bite/chewing issue and that my teeth were pretty darn clean and that I've had a cleaning.   It would likely have been another season or two until they could catch back up and I'm not honestly sure I would have asked about the bite thing as it hasn't really ever been a huge deal.  So I'm super thankful things worked out the way they did and I'm relieved the appointment for cleaning is done and I'm really grateful for places and people adjusting to  this global pandemic with PPE and protocols and spacing appointments and just all the really clever changes that have been made.  

Here's to continued health.... physical, mental, emotional and all the rest.

Is It Me?

I may or may not have mentioned it here before but my thyroid stopped working when I was a kid.  (I've been on replacement meds ever since, for what it's worth.)

I bring this up because one of the things (oversimplifying) that the thyroid does is help manage body temperature and mine has been... not as normal as I'd like of late, and I'm wondering if it's the weather and all or if it's me and my non-working thyroid.

I know I talk here from time to time about putting on this blanket or that blanket or opening/closing windows and turning radiators on/up, etc etc.  And I know that as we've marched into Fall the temperature has been dropping but I keep talking to people about it and I'm not sure they're noticing what I am!

Like, this weekend, I think it was Friday night, it was a cooler night but overcast, so not frosty.  I was up later than usual and as I was reading, I was cold under all my "winter" blankies.  I closed up my bedroom windows and went off to sleep.  Except I couldn't fall asleep because I was too cold.  I kept thinking I'd warm up but it was about three in the morning when I finally gave up and fully closed both my windows (leaving no gap) and grabbed my housecoat to throw over all the blankets.  And then I was able to be warm enough to sleep.

Saturday night was again, not a terribly cold night, but I felt that same chill in bed so I went so far as to grab my "for sure not kidding" heavy wool blanket from the living room to put over my bed.  And the thought I kept having was "it's not January"... as in, usually I don't need ALL those blankets until mid-Winter. So... is it me?

Yes,  I've requested my doctor check my thyroid levels so that'll show... something or nothing, but yeah.  My nights have been weirdly cold.

I asked Jason if his Friday night was super cold and he said, "well yeah, it's Winter!" but it's not.

I did realize though that I am still in that weird time-headspace that the pandemic seems to have brought.

Like I know I talked about Halloween but it feels like it didn't happen.  And I'm not sure I've really clued in to the fact it's late Fall... you know?

But I digress... I'm trying to figure out if this month has been chillier than usual (alternating with mild days just to mess with me), or if my body is not handling temperatures as well as usual (thyroid related), or if I've somehow forgotten how early in the year "cold weather" can happen (if that even makes sense.) Or.... I dunno?  

I just think it's weird that I have needed what I usually think of as my "really really cold" winter sleeping stuff when we're not in actual Winter.

I Feel Famous!

(So first of all I stole this photo from a local online paper, the Times Colonist, and the caption said it was taken by Douglas Pynn, so thanks and sorry!?)

A month (?) or so ago, I read a thread on a local online group about what that person called "hipster deer" who had random things stuck in their antlers.  It was a little funny but also a little "dude, how?" and I thought nothing more of it... we have a lot of deer around these parts.  (Like, a lot... apparently.)

Fast forward a few weeks and I was driving home one night and who/what did I see but that very deer and this time it was less amusing and more.. concerning?

Because this time I could more clearly see that as well as whatever was stuck in his antlers, there was also a... a.... stick??? Pole?  Post?  that was stuck and nearly touching the ground and probably something not delightful for the poor fellow... see photo... thanks Douglas.

It was a couple of weeks after I saw the deer in person that the newspaper ran a story about it, and the other "rutting deer" (a nice way of saying totally horny and wanting to fight and er... be intimate! with lady deer).  It said that yes, the local authorities had gotten lots of calls about these young (usually) males with stuff entangled in their antlers but that there wasn't much they could do about it unless the buck was so entangled it wasn't wandering around and actually stuck.  So the powers that be are aware, and monitoring (to the best of their ability) and doing what they safely can if/when they can but man... I feel bad for the dude with the post/stick attached to his head!  Unless he thinks it's some kind of additional antler and it's giving him deer status, I dunno!

Anyway, I saw the famous deer before it was famous, that makes me famous right?  Like totally maaaaan!

Oh Yeah

I got my flu shot the other week.  Forgot to tell you.

They've done an extra push of it this year, or maybe I'm just noticing that, but I signed up at a couple of places (pharmacies) to be notified of flu clinics and after missing out on a few (they filled up super fast) I got in at a place.

I was nervous, probably even anxious, which I'm not normally... but I figure Covid and going into public and all that had me extra wound up.

The day of, I drove to the place and the process was SUPER fast and easy... ridiculously so!  I mean it took me like 15/20 minutes to drive there and from check in to leaving (plus chatting with the pharmacist  - all of us masked) was less time than that!

The shot was fine, painless, whee!

I did have a sore arm about an hour later,  quite sore actually, but it resolved by the next day (just was a bit sore) and I, as usual... hope they guessed the right strain of flu!

It was covered, financially speaking, through public health, so that too was a bonus.  I've not paid for a flu shot in a while due to my health stuff, but I was willing to this year with all that's going on.

I skipped getting a flu shot for a few years there when I wasn't working (as I wasn't really going out and so less likely to get exposed) but got it last year when C-Dawg was diagnosed with cancer (so as not to bring her any additional germs in case she had to go through radiation or chemo) and did again this year cuz... well, you know... *waves arms around vaguely*

But yeah, I'm relieved it's done and over and I hope it helps keep me and others well.  Especially this year.

Hrm

I sliced my finger pretty good a couple of weeks back.

I'm not going to say it was dumb, but it wasn't the smartest thing and I sort of saw it coming...

I'd bought a new knife (there's a promotion going on in a local store that makes them a pretty good deal) and I wanted to clean it before putting it away.  (You see where this is going?)

I wanted to make sure the edge/blade (?) (you know, the cutting part???) was clean and, well, yeah... there was this slow motion sense (seriously) as it sliced (cleanly) into my finger and the noise I made was not a happy one.

I knew it was happening as it was happening just as I knew I'd been not so smart (aka kinda dumb) in my attempt and yeah that was a cut.

I didn't know how deep it was and I cleaned it and wrapped it and sat myself down because see part:  not sure now deep... and how much blood and the thought occurred to me... what if I need stitches?

I tried to stay calm...  holding the cloth tight and the hand above my heart, while sitting.... and I wasn't sure what I would do... it was hard to like type or anything because I'd cut a finger on my right/dominant hand.  Could I drive to the hospital/clinic if I needed to?  Maybe?  Would I prefer someone come get me?  Yes?  But Covid... safety... um.. what if I passed out?

Long story short, it was fine.  I controlled the bleeding.  The cut was deep but clean and the bleeding stopped.  I stuck a bandaid on it and some whatever cream (blahblahsporin) and I joked with a few folks about how this clearly meant no work out for me!  (I'd actually been setting up to do a workout video.... and yes, I used the cut as a reason not to!  My reasoning was to not have massive pumping of blood right that minute... I did go for a  walk later though as the internet suggested it would/could be good for healing...)

I thought later about how being unwell or injured is one of the harder parts about living alone.  And while I was pondering that, I had a thought about those "speak to them" type speaker things.  You know, Alexa... Siri... Hey Google... whatever.  Because I guess, since I was kind of no handed for a while (one hand holding the wrap tight on the other hand) I could have, in theory said "hey (device)" call... 911... or whoever, or "hey (device), how do I know if my cut is deep" or... you know, whatever.  

I don't have any of those devices, and I don't use Siri on my phone but yeah, it was a thought and I suppose that's what those "life alert" type systems have been for older folks... a way to "easily" call for help if/when  you need it.

Anyway,  it was an interesting train of thought... cuz sometimes living alone feels extra troubling.  (Not that I want a live in tracking device but still... know what I mean?)

A Pause

 A pause today for Remembrance Day.  May you be well.

Too Literal

I wear slippers around my place.

(Most, if not all? people I know do, in case it's an unusual thing where you live.)

The ones I have right now are slip on, like, uh, half slippers? if that even makes sense.  As in, they're not pull on booties, they're slip on half shoe things.  This isn't important...

Anyway.  Recently... as in a few months ago, I started to slip.  Like, my floors got slippery... I would slip.

It was only in certain areas (I have hardwood flooring) and I'd try to think if I'd spilled water there and I'd make sure to clean the area but yeah, I've been slipping lately.  Not a great feeling as slipping and falling is not something I'd recommend to anyone...

It took me a while of this happening, in different random spots around my apartment before I thought to look at my slippers themselves.

The soles looked fine to me, nothing weird stuck on them, so I shrugged it off.  And slipped.... here and there.  And then I figured there wasn't much to lose so I washed the soles of my slippers.

During this washing I noticed some writing on the bottom that said I could machine wash them, but I was already hand washing the soles so... meh.  They weren't filthy, just perhaps a little dusty... collected dust over time I guess.

And lo and behold guess who hasn't slipped (yet) since!  ME!

So, yeah... my slippers quite literally turned into... slip...ers.  And now I know that if it happens again, I can clean off the soles and happily wander around my place, ta da!

Back To The Weather!

After losing most of last week to worry and stress over some other country's election, I felt a bit of relief to wake up to texts from friends on Saturday morning... I would LOVE to tell you I'm now calm, but anxiety can be a real tricky one and I still am not feeling.... relaxed about it, or things, if I'm honest, but hey, there's a bit of hope in my system now and I'm trying to let the rest go.

Sooooooooooo, to get back to OTHER things, brrrr, it's chilly!

Except, then it's not.

Bare with me for a minute here... It is definitely Fall.  The chilly is chillyyyyyyyyyy cold.  But then sort of out of nowhere it's no longer cold.  Like last night I almost totally shut my bedroom windows AND I put my final blanket on, but I fully expect that at some point this coming week I will be taking blankets off again and opening windows fully up again because that's what I had to do this week.  Like my little inside thermometer/humidity thing I got this summer to help me see just how frigging hot my place got (spoiler, HOT!) is still out and I glance at it some mornings.  Last week I woke up one morning and it was 18.  Another morning it was 22.  I've even found myself adjusting my radiator here and there.  Ooop, gotta turn that thing down, it feels sweaty in here!  Next day...uh, why is it so freezing in here?  Welp, guess I'll turn that radiator back up then.  SIIIIIGH.

It's just... I mean, I know weather isn't constant and temperatures fluctuate but it has felt odd to me.  Like the system can't decide if we're doing mild or cold so it just decided to do both... at will.  

I know, I know, things warm up when cloud cover happens and rain but then also they don't (remember my day the other week when I turned my legs red from cold rain when I didn't think it was actually that cold?)   And there have been more than a few days when I've layered up to go out and been ok, and other days when I've layered up and ended up carrying those layers because TOO WARM.

Anyway... just making conversation.  Calm, quiet, neutral, easy conversation.... cuz reasons.

Not Just Me!

Ok, so I just spoke to C-Dawg who said she and her family are noticing the same thing so... it's not just me, and maybe it's also some of you!?

We were chatting about the usual "how dark it is so early!" of the time change and how hard it feels to get through the now very long very dark evenings/nights and I said you know what's weird?  My body is extra confused this year....  like, I don't just think it's 5 pm at 4 pm, I think like... three hours difference instead of the one.  So at 4 pm, I'm wondering why it's 7:30/8pm??

She said they'd noticed the same thing and so now I'm wondering if it's some extension of the weirdness that has been time this year with the pandemic and lockdown... like we've just now gotten extra time lost and confused?

Because yeah, I'm usually upset by the time change, as we all know!  But this year it just feels particularly extra... "not right".  If that even makes sense...

So Tired

I'm tired.

And no, this morning I don't mean the expected "time change" kind of tired or what have you, I'm tired from yesterday's non-event in the United States.

I don't really think I can say I'm surprised and I was calm for at least part of the day but then I got myself wrapped up in the looking and checking and I maybe even allowed myself a little bit of hope that it might be decisively over even though I was pretty sure there was no way that was going to happen, all things considered.

But yeah, I'm tired this morning.  I took something to help me sleep last night so at least I got sleep, but still.... tired.

I maybe should have written blog posts for the entire week talking about my usual nothing and that's probably what I'll go back to... once I can muster up some "not tired".

I'm going to have to find a way to detach myself from the States and what "news" comes out of it for my own sanity and health.

Anyway.... I hope you're well and that today brings you some happy.  Like, I had a really good cup of tea this morning  - that was lovely.

Have a good day you guys.

I SWEAR TO GOD

HAVING TO EAT AN HOUR EARLIER OR LATER OR WHATEVER IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW SHOULD NOT CONFUSE AND MESS ME UP AS MUCH AS IT DOES WHY AM I LIKE THIS ARGH!!!

The Week To Come

I spent a fair amount of time thinking about blogging this weekend.

As in... what did I feel like doing about it... this week in particular...

See, tomorrow is the US election.  And I would really really like to ignore it.  Maybe I could if I lived on another continent, but it's hard to ignore it when I can walk to the beach and look across some water and see the States... it's... right there.

I know I could ignore it more than I do - by staying off of social media.... avoiding the news, etc etc and I should probably work on that but I also have a large number of friends down there and my feed is pretty US heavy because of that.  

So yes, I have a particular way I hope the election goes.  But I also do not have a sense of things "going well" whichever way the election goes.  And that I am trying to let go of - I'm not psychic, things might be fine no matter who is elected.... I guess that is a possibility.

So I thought about writing out the week's worth of posts just completely ignoring whatever might happen.  I thought about writing a few posts and leaving some blank spaces to respond to whatever's going to happen... I thought about writing nothing at all for the week and then starting to write when things were either good or not so much.  So I'm still not really sure what I'm going to do.

I suppose I could do some combination of all of the above but I know I often don't "get around" to writing if I don't hammer posts out on the weekend so... I dunno man.  

I've never felt the drag of any election the way I do on this one and I so very much wish that weren't the case.

Boo?

Kind of a weird one today.

Because it's Halloween, but I'm not sure that many folks are doing what we would usually be doing (although I'm sure there will be folks having parties and get togethers even if that's not the best idea these days) and people seem to be having mixed feelings about kids going trick or treating.... I've seen some creative "candy shoots" for distancing but I've also heard some folks are just not participating this year.

It's not really an issue or concern for me, and yes, I did get a couple of boxes of chocolate for myself that yes, are already gone why do you ask!?  Even on that front I'm feeling a little meh... more concerned about my weight and health than my ongoing sugar fixes.... if that's even a thing I can admit to.

It's also the end of October, another month... and, sadly, the time change that makes things darker and heavier.  For me for sure and for others I know...

So maybe you're out there all costumed up and enjoying your treats and happily Halloween-ing and if so I hope you have a great one.

And here's to Fall "for realsies".... and all that comes with it.  What a weird timeline this is...

Oh, Come ON!

I know someone out there knows... probably a physiotherapist or massage therapist or someone like that but instead of finding out actual truth I'm just going to say that what happened was totally unfair and like NUH UH!

See, I woke up yesterday morning, nice and cozy in my bed and I stretched.  You know, as one does when they're feeling cozy and sort of ready to wake up.... siiiiigh..... stretch...

And that's when my neck went AH HA I HATE YOU!

Or more to the point it went "HA HA SUPER PAIN RIGHT IN THIS ONE SPOT" like, because I stretched?  You what?

No, but really, I stretched a little, still under the covers and this spot that's like at the base of my skull/top of my neck just started that "pinched" burning pain ow feeling.  

I tried to not move and then I tried to roll the other way to like... loosen it up or something (I dunno!) and then I got up and I'm always aware that with body stuff it's usually something related to something and referred pain or some other muscle causing the issue and someone (non professional) once told me that it's not actually how you slept, it's something you did the day before or something but all I know is that my neck got super mad at me for no reason at all and it's still sore today and did this stuff happen when I was a kid and I just don't remember???

WeeeooohWeeoohhhWeeeeeooooohWeeeooohhhhhh!

Oh!  I almost forgot to tell you, but my car died this weekend!!!

Or, more accurately and less dramatically, my car would not start.

I mentioned it before, but I noticed that the lack of driving during lockdown meant my car battery took a hit.

Blah blah blah science, altnernator? blah blah battery charge, you know?

What I probably haven't mentioned before is that for a couple of years I've been asking the mechanics to check on my battery and starter system and they always tell me it's fine, so I haven't really looked much further into it, even though my gut told me something wasn't quite happy with my car.

I mentioned to Jason in the last month or so that my car "needed a big run" as I haven't gone really anywhere with it that's over 15/20 minutes in quite a while.   My car'd been having a little more of a struggle to start of late and so I had a plan to run out to Sidney or something (40+ minutes of highway) in the near future.  Was a decent plan.  And not a major concern, after all, no mechanics had said anything about my battery or starter system all the times I'd asked them to check.

Then came Saturday and the deep, sudden cold.

I was heading out, nothing vital thankfully and my car rather than struggling to start/turn over, just made the weird noise I tried to replicate in the title.  I internally freaked out (FUCK YOU ANXIETY).  I took a video of the non-starting weirdness and sent it to Jason.  "Battery's dead" my gut told me.

"Sounds like battery" Jason said.

(Some small part of me felt smart and proud.)

My anxiety ran away with my feelings and I had to concentrate really hard to focus on what I needed to get done.

"Never leave the house again." "Deal with it on Monday when things are open." Were some of the grand thoughts terrified me came up with.  Through shaking and tears.

I called Jason.  "I'M FINE" I sobbed.  He chuckled "so those are fake tears then?"

Yeah... kinda?  Because at least a part of me knew this wasn't an emergency - I didn't actually have to go anywhere, and even if my car was out of commission, I didn't need to drive anywhere for a few days.  I also knew I have a VISA so that emergency repairs can be handled if not entirely "paid for" right away.

I have a "portable battery charger" thing that I've had for years for just this occassion, so I made sure it was fully charged, read through the instructions again, and went back down to start my car.  Knowing if it started, I'd have to keep it running for a while and drive for a while to get that battery charged back up.

I attached the charger thing and nothing.  As in, nothing at all.   Not even the weird attempting to start noises from before.  Shit.

I let Jason know.  He said he was coming over.  I also sent him a photo of the weird blue gritty stuff coming out of one of the leads.  He said "yeah, seems like battery is going"?  I wondered if it could also be the alternator - my car is 10 years old after all, but one thing at a time, right?  Let's get the car going and go from there.

I noticed that my internal lights still worked, so the battery maybe had at least a hint of a charge but something about the cold weather had sapped its strength and it didn't have the ability to power up the car.

When did I last buy a new battery?  Dunno.  I know this wasn't the original battery but how many years had it been anyway?  Two maybe?

Jason came over, and luckily I always back into my parking spot so he was able to jump start my car no problem (although it always always makes me cringe, I just am not comfortable with electricity!)

We then drove out to a parts store and bought a new battery.  Jason installed it for me on the spot (I probably could have done it myself but the shaking hands suggested he'd be faster) and oh the joy of my car JUST STARTING.  Just... VROOM!  HAPPY!

And yes, my car suddenly "feels" happier.  Maybe that's just me, but I swear it does.  It feels more responsive, and I don't know enough about systems to tell you if I'm being silly so I'll just go with it... my car feels much better now and she is a far happier car than she has been for a while.

That battery, by the way, was purchased in 2014.  So... 6 years ago.  "Old" by most car battery standards.

I've put a note in my calendar three years from now as a reminder that this now new battery will be a little bit older by then.  And I've started keeping track of my car's repairs and upgrades in a way I should have been doing for the last 10 years, but hey, better late than never, eh?

But,  yeah... the cold weather and my car's old battery and me not "charging" that battery all that much with choppy, less regular weather meant that my car did not start this weekend.  And I'm very glad I had Jason to help me deal with and handle that situation.  Yay for good people who can and will help (and know how!)

The Lesser Of?

I often think about the fact that things aren't really as clean cut or black and white as I'd like them to be.

For example, when we went into Covid lockdown and I got more serious about PPE, I tried to find ways to be more environmentally respectful (and less wasteful).

One of the things I've mentioned is that I purchased uh, what do we call them, handkerchiefs?  You know, cloth kleenex/tissues?

I originally got them as my "grabber layer" - as in the thing I hold to open doors or whatever.  I also, since I have them, have started using them instead of literal Kleenex.  You know... it's Fall, the nose, it drips, right?

And that's the example... each item has its plusses and minuses.  Paper tissues (to not use the brand name) have manufacturing impact and transport and they go into landfill (compost?) and, well they have biohazard on them, especially if you suspect you are sick in some way.  Handkerchiefs also have issues... their manufacturing and transport, and then they need washed when they're dirty which means soap of some kind and water and drying.

And I would imagine that someone has done the "weighing" to find out which type of nose blower has less of an environmental impact.  In whatever way.  But am I really being more environmentally sound by using the cloth ones over the paper ones?  Yes?  But I don't really know.

And it feels like when it comes to the environment there are quite a lot of "not sure"s going around.  Or there should be, perhaps.  Nothing (that I can think of) is pure and clean and has zero negative impact.  And I don't want to upset myself with overthinking, even though I really would like to be continually lowering my footprint...

It's complicated.  Or complex.  Or all of the above.

I suppose in some ways it just matters that we think and we try and we care. 

Unconcerned, For Once

My neighbour (above me?) has a cough.  But unlike with other folks, I'm not concerned. 

If you're wondering why, during a pandemic, hearing my neighbour cough isn't bothering me?  It's because I've heard her do this many seasons before.

Like it was maybe last year or two years ago Winter that I noticed she'd been coughing for a long while and I felt bad.

It doesn't keep me awake or anything, but I do hear her at times, and I remember lying in bed one night wondering if I should drop her off some cough syrup or something as I just assumed she was miserable.  But I thought that would be weird, and, of course, I don't know her medical history at all.  

One Summer, I worked in an office and one of the fellows who worked there had cystic fibrosis.  (I am  not certain if he is still alive as it was suggested to us at the time that he wasn't expect to have a particularly long life expectancy.)  I also know that some people with allergies or asthma have to deal with ongoing coughing at times.  I also know there are a whole bunch of things that might be causing her to have said cough that really are none of my business.

Had she not had ongoing coughs like this before I might be more anxious, but honestly, I just hope it's not bothersome to her... whatever it is that's causing her seemingly seasonal coughs.  (And I bet she's extra aware of how people may respond to her coughs this year... after all I know I often excuse my coughs this last half of a year as "just a cough" in an attempt to reassure people I'm not spreading sickness, just choking on my own spit or something...)

Brrrr!

Winter absolutely made a guest appearance here this weekend.  Like, brrr!

It felt like and smelt like it could snow but said snow missed us, while hitting other parts of the province.  The wind had a bite, the air was cooooold, and yeah, seems records were set.

They've suggested we might have a 'colder than usual' Winter, and I guess we shall see but I feel like me having to close up my windows and have a hot water bottle at my feet is more of a January thing than an October one.  Although as I type this I do realize it's the end of October, not the early October my brain thinks it is.... 

Time change is coming too, you know, one of my least favourite things?  It happened this weekend in the UK I think and for us it's next weekend and man these slightly shorter days are going to be gone, just like that... hello darkness and all.

I did, by the way, get out my S.A.D.  lamp this month.  It's an older one, not very large.  I say this as I've seen some for sale in the pharmacy and they're large and in charge!   (Or, large anyway)  Mine may not be up to date but I'm  hoping it's doing at least a little something for me as the days get even shorter and darker.  Literally.  (And hopefully not figuratively but who knows)

Um....

So I thought this was normal but I was curious so I googled it and now I'm not so sure so... I'm asking you, my internet friends, yay!

I went for a walk yesterday.  It was rainy (light rain) and while not chilly, not warm either, but I dressed light cuz, I dunno?  As I walked (about 40 minutes total?) the rain soaked my thighs (and other areas but this is where I'm focusing for now) and my thin exercise pants were sticking to my legs there for maybe 15-20 minutes of the walk.  No big deal.  It happens.

When I got home, I stripped off the wet stuff and saw that my thighs were unsurprisingly red as this is what my skin does when cold.

I've made the "mistake" before of going right into the shower when it's like that and so to avoid the burning I put on warm sweats and sat under the blanket for a few minutes before going to have a bath.

My thighs stayed red in the bath and got that itchy feeling of "warmth coming back" and I wondered what the process was for this all happening so I googled "skin red after cold exposure"? but all I got were things about a particular illness and, of course, frostbite info.  I did get one hit about red cheeks in winter and blood vessels but I'm talking about my thighs here, not my cheeks!  (Face cheeks, get your minds out of that there gutter!)

So... I know I'm a pretty pale person and I know my thyroid stuff makes me more, uh, sensitive to heat (?) but I'm wondering... doesn't everyone turn red (and then a weird red/white blotchy combo that kind of burns/itches) when they get wet/cold?  Am I even making sense?

I'd take photos but, yeah... my naked thighs don't need to be on the internet thank you very much.

Da Nature

Some mornings, I lie (not very awake) in bed listening to bird song.  

I'm not a birder, but over the years I have learned some bird calls and song.  I'm pretty good with the "obvious" (and obnoxious!) like seagulls and crows and owls.  I know robin and there are many I hear that I don't know who's singing them but they're nice.

(For a while, I thought I was hearing blue heron calls a lot lot lot and figured I was on a flight path or something, but then I realized it was the weird backup tone for a garbage truck and, well, we'll just not talk about that one k?)

There's a call I've been trying to identify, I've heard it two mornings for sure now and I think I have it... I'm pretty sure it's Jackhammer Americanus, but from what I've read it could also be Jackhammer NorthAmericanus so I don't know for 100%.  It has only been calling in the morning so far and I've yet to go out to try to see it to confirm because, well, mornings and all!

Anyway, I'm not sure it'll be around for long, but it sure has a distinctive call!

A(n Over-reactive?) Stress

One of the things I know I'm struggling with in this current pandemic world is the lack of... hmmm... consistency? between how people are handling things.

I'm talking specifically right now about how people are handling "getting sick".

I'll give you some anecdotal examples....

One person I know over on the mainland has posted about getting tested a few times now (twice that I know of) and his last post was along the lines of "had a bad headache so went for testing" and my experience with getting tested last Spring was "any cold/flu like symptoms, even mild, should be tested and should be self isolating".  They even had me isolate until my cold was completely free of symptoms even though I tested negative for Covid itself.

But other folks I know have a cold and got it from work (one assumes) and aren't getting tested because they're confident it's "just a cold".  Which, honestly it probably is looking at the case numbers where they live and their precautions (masks, etc.) But both of these example situations are in the same province, so is there not consistent messaging about how to handle illness?  Or are people making their own judgement calls based on their level of concern?

My anxiety, of course, runs away with this line of questioning and extrapolates to "BAD THINGS" and I know we weren't sure how this "cold and flu" season would play out with the addition of this pandemic...

I also know that there isn't much we can get "everyone" to agree on or feel the "same way" about so this is human nature.  

Were we all on more similar pages when we were told to lockdown?  I'm not sure because I wasn't talking to folks about things (as I was too terrified of it all).  I dunno man... this is all just so messy and unclear and new and I get that we're all just doing the best we can with this whole "never been done before" situation.  I'm just saying that I'm getting stupidly extra stressed over the fact people are reacting and choosing differently.

And yes, I'm aware that's just life but it doesn't mean it doesn't stress me the heck out.

If everyone would just do exactly what I think they should do at all times I'd be a lot calmer you guys!!!

Argh.

(And yes, I say that jokingly... but still, it'd be nice... for me at least!)

NO!

Somebody broke a rule.

SOMEBODY was on my PILLOW when I got home last night instead of on the floor where they are ALLOWED TO BE, or even not really allowed to be but it's marginally ok if they're on the floor because I get that I can't eliminate them all so fine, floor it is but NOT ON MY BED AND NOT  ON MY PILLOW.

Does anyone know where to write to the silverfish committee so they know someone really really messed up??

Yeah, No

I am not in a good space this week.... right now.

And it's kind of hard to explain it?

I talked to Jason for, I dunno, ages?  An hour?  Two?  About "all this" and I still can't even really tell you what I said or what my biggest issues or concerns are but it's like a whole bunch of things happened around the same time as the "digital art mess-up realization" I had and I just kind of... feel done?

No, not suicidal, I'm fine there, really, but just like... I dunno.  Very much "why should I bother"?  But even that's not quite it.

I've got some life stuff looming that has been forced upon me (as life tends to do from time to time, no?) and I have a call about it coming up this week because WE CAN'T MEET IN PERSON ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS F*CKING PANDEMIC.  (sorry) And since that call was scheduled I've been super super grumpy.  C-Dawg asked if I knew why I'd been extra grumpy when I responded with "AM GRUMPY" for the fourth day in a row to her "how're you doing?" text.  Yeah I said... mainly this call.  So I'm already low and stressed and unhappy and miserable and then this f*ckup with my digital pieces... all 700 of them?  And all the thoughts I had about maybe trying a website and trying selling prints?  And all the energy that went into stressing about that and wondering what sizes I should offer and what materials (paper prints?  metal?  canvas??) and always in the background wondering a) how big I could print them and b) how to find that out without spending a crap ton on test prints and now BOOM.  I messed up.  I just did a thing and then I liked the thing that I kept doing it and I never really knew? to check out what exactly the basis of it was and I guess this is part of the learning curve with digital art (never having taken a class in this stuff) because when you work in regular media (paper, canvas) YOU ALREADY HAVE THE SIZES RIGHT THERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  And when you go to make prints they ask you what size and there are standard sizes and that's just that so while these programs do often start with standard paper sized pieces I was trying to make them square and granted I was using an old laptop that was limping along so maybe I reduced the size so things would function better but whatever the reasons I'm at a real impasse and man oh man do I ever want to burn something to the electronic ground and wipe all existence off the face of... the... uh... digital?

So there is all that and then at the same time there is the doom that naturally seems to come with this time of year, exacerbated by the pandemic and shorter, darker days and then I finished up a show I've been watching and the ending just got to me and I cried and cried and cried and "no one loves me like that" is where my brain settled and so all of this came up within like a day or half a day and I just woke up like... no.  I give up.  Not sure what I give up, to be honest, but I give up.

Why should I bother trying to fix the size labelling issue on these digital pieces.  Because I've stupidly  convinced myself some day someone will buy some of this art and so I should be able to easily find it to have it printed, etc etc?  Yeah right, grow up.  Like, I get that that part of me is being harsh to ... me, but I don't have a spark of "I CAN DO EEET!" to fuel me through.  Not right now anyway.

So,  I'm here.  Confused as to what I even think/feel, and confused as to what I do and don't want to do/not do.  You know?

Just... take me away from all this shit.  Really.

But, not?  Because panic.

So, yeah.  Oh, also PROVINCIAL ELECTION HAHAHAHAHA cuz we really needed that right now, you know?

So......

I just found out that of the nearly 700 digital pieces I've created, shared, and stored, an unknown but likely large number of them are incorrectly sized.

I *thought* I was creating them at, say 8 inches by 8 inches and so I labelled and tagged them as such... with the idea in mind that they could then be "blown up" to a larger print size if someone wanted.

Well I've been using a free program for a while now to draw certain symmetrical starting shapes and I noticed that when I zoomed in on them for one reason or another (usually to "colour in" a small spot) it would... pixelate (for lack of a better term).  I assumed this was because of the free nature of the program and shrugged it off.  (My bad, I know.)

Recently, a woman has been asking about these pieces and if I have a store, and no, I don't have a store right now, I said, but sure, I can print them on canvas if you want.  And I went to look at what it would cost me to do a trial run of sizes to see just how large I could go before the pixelation became an issue (ie the piece looked like crap).  I was over at Jason's for dinner at the time and I asked him (as he knows more about prints and digital stuff than I do by a mile) and he asked what size the file was.  I DUNNO! I countered intelligently.  So we looked.

Um... yeah.  The pieces that I've been making the last... while?  Are not 8 by 8 inches, they are the equivalent of 2.5 x 2.5 inches.  Which.... yeah.  Tiny.  Which also means they won't blow up - I can't really enlarge them.  

I actually had a good ironic chuckle at this fact for a while because what else was I to do and it's not as if I have an actual paying customer I now have to disappoint.  But now that it's.... today.  And I realize the scope of this issue, I'm pretty damn overwhelmed.

Going and checking the actual size and file size of these pieces will be a large, boring, mind numbing job.  That I do not want to do.  And my sense of things right now is to pack it all up, delete the whole shebang and walk away, never to be heard from again.

So... instead of doing that, I'm writing this post.  Cuz, you know... 

Sigh.

Hallowed

I was thinking about Halloween, because... well, you know... it's now-ish.  (So is the stunningly priced candy of course.) 

When I was a kid my parents would accompany me up and down our street and that was the Trick-or-Treating I remember doing.  (One year in Grade 6 or 7 I was allowed to go with friends to one of the fairly new suburb type areas and that was exciting but also teenagers were shooting fireworks at each other so it was scary and I don't know how many more years I went after that... maybe that was the last year?)

I was thinking about it the other night because I always got a decent haul and doing the street would take, I dunno "forever" in kid time.  I went on google just now to get an estimate of about how many houses my street would allow me to trick or treat at and I figure somewhere between 50 and 60 (I'm assuming the current layout may have a newer house or two) and that's a nice sized amount of goodies!  I remember some houses had terrifyingly long driveways (because it was always dark and spooky and who knew what might be lurking!) and there were some dark houses (lights off) that you'd skip.  I remember at least one couple who "made" you "trick" for the treat usually in the form of a song or something and I was always shyly embarrassed by that.

I remember at least one year of going out with a garbage bag over my costume because it was raining, and I (famously) remember one year where I had to pee, but I knew if I told my parent (they'd alternate who stayed home to hand out candies and who came with) they'd take me back home and the night would be over and there was no way I was giving up all that free candy, so I er... just peed my pants.  And when I tell the story as an adult I always say that it was so cold my pants froze but I doubt it was ACTUALLY that cold, that's probably just what it felt like to little old me.  But yeah, I have always really liked sugar, eh?

I remember coming home and dumping out the bag (sack?  pillow case?) and seeing what I'd gotten.  There would be sibling exchanges of likes/dislikes.  I never enjoyed those molasses ones and I seem to have often gotten an abundance of those, what's the word... caramel things?  (The little squares?)  I also really miss the silver packets of salted sunflower seeds I'd get because they were such a change from the sweet and would, what I know now as, cleanse your pallet!   

The candy that I see now in stores seems different, but maybe that's just me?  But it really does seem like it's turned into a THING more so than when I was a kid and damn,  have people always been spending this much on treats?  (Again, I think not.)

For sure we'd heard warnings about razor blades in apples and stuff and who knows, I maybe got a home made candy apple at one time or another (see fuzzy memories....)  And we carried UNICEF boxes for pennies (is that still a thing?) and would feel so proud taking them into school the next day to help "the children.

It was always dark (did we have to wait until dark to go out?) and cold (October after all) and so costumes needed layers or jackets (or garbage bags) and the street was always busy (as I remember it) and I never knew how magical my childhood was, I just knew I was happy and felt safe and Halloween was this magical time where adults gave you free candy and what on earth could be better than that?  Free candy!!! All you had to do was walk, knock, ask politely and be dressed up!  Fantastic, no?!

A Saddenning

I'm not entirely sure how to explain this, so the easiest way to say it is that I realize I'm forgetting things. 

Specifically, I mean things from my youth and childhood.  Details.  Stories.  How things went, what happened.  Memories and recollections I honestly thought would just always be there... because I lived them, and experienced them.

And I would imagine this is normal and just what happens as you continue to age and make more... newer memories and I'm not saying that I think I have a memory issue exactly... just that I'm sad that I am no longer entirely certain about things.

I can't remember (sigh, ha) exactly what it was that prompted this realization and thought but I think I was having a conversation with Jason about something "when we were kids" and I tried to recall an event and it was too fuzzy. 

I've been saying for a while now that some of the things I'm taking for anxiety and such smudge my memory.  I mentioned this to a couple of friends and they laughed it off saying that was just us getting older, but I don't know.  Again, I'm not worried about a memory issue, I just do not like this feeling of loss.  Loss of ME and my stories.  I suppose I'm wishing I'd kept my diaries (I got rid of them all at some point) even though I know many of them wouldn't have been about the day to day and more about my FEEEEELLLLINGSSSSSSSSS.  I'm sure I could start writing down said stories and events and recollections now, but there's already that seed of doubt... am I remembering this accurately?  

Some things are seared into my brain.  (Or are they?) And there are things that I swear I can still *feel* from when I was a kid, or "young adult" or whatever.  But I wish I still had crystal clear recollection of more things than I feel like I do right now.  Is this just another kind of crap thing I'm supposed to accept about getting older? 

Science Experiment - Me!

Ok, so the sleeping/not sleeping in thing... I think I figured it out!

I think I've maybe mentioned it but I'm a sleeper.  Always have been.  I take after my Dad on that one I think, but everyone who knows me knows I am not a morning person.  So waking up on time for work is about as good as I've ever been able to do.  I have my morning routine trimmed down so that I can be up and out the door in about half an hour.  I like to give myself more time than that but sometimes hitting snooze is much more appealing.  Except this has made for some miserable mornings, and so over the years I've been trying to make things easier on me.

One of the things I've had for a while is a "wake up light" alarm that gradually brightens as the morning goes on, in theory waking you gently.  But over the years I got more able to sleep through it, or occasionally I got woken up by its very very slight initial low light... go figure.  Plus, I'd keep hitting snooze and then the light goes off eventually and, well, yeah, Winter mornings have been especially tough.

Since I've been off work I've been trying to see how I wake up naturally, and when.  And part of how I've done that is by not fully closing my bedroom blinds.  I keep them about half open.  I know.  Weird, right?  But visually anyone wanting to look into my apartment bedroom - the ony angle of clear view would need binoculars.  And, well, it's a rather boring view.  I read.  Then I turn the lights out and sleep.  (Were there anything...er "more interesting" going on, blinds would get shut! And when I change, I do so with my back to the window anyway, and I am aware of my nakedness and said windows...)

What I noticed was that I was waking up a lot easier.  (I turned off my alarm too, except on days I had to be up by a certain time).  Some nights the ambient light from outside is "too bright" and I find myself getting up and closing those blinds, because yeah, I've always been used to and felt I needed black black dark to fall asleep.  But I guess I've at least somewhat adjusted to being in a room that's not totally dark.  But most mornings now I wake up naturally around 8.  Which is pretty amazing for me, honestly.  

Over the last while though (no idea if this is a Covid-stress thing or a Summer thing or what) I've been "waking up" earlier than I'd like... like... 6, or 6:30.  I know this because I glance at the clock to see what time it is and then I don't fall back into much of a sleep.  Certainly not deep sleep.  And so sometimes lately I've had very groggy mornings where it feels like I am far too tired for the "amount" of sleep I got.  I assume it's because the light has me in lighter sleep mode and then outside noises wake  me even more and I wonder if the not-really-falling-back-asleep thing has to do with age (my folks tell me they don't sleep as well as they age...?) or what, but combine that with some mornings when I find I have to pee around 5 but don't want to wake up enough to get out of bed and then I'm not really asleep til 8 and just ... extra tired?  So this weekend, I decided to take a couple of nights with blinds down and see if I got that "sleeping in" experience I've been kind of missing.

And I did!   Saturday, blinds down got me til a whopping 9am!  And then Sunday?  Wowza, I  half woke at who knows what-o'clock (purposely didn't check the time) and when I finally "woke up" it was nearly 10!  Ten am, just like the olden days!

So, for me at least, playing around with light in the mornings, not the wake up light, but actual outside light has been an adjustment to my mornings that I think is a good one.  I, of course, don't know yet how this will play when I am back to a regular work schedule type thing but that's an anxiety producing thought I don't need to think about right now.  I know I won't ever rely *just* on light, I will be using my radio alarm again once I have a needed wake time, but (hey, hi anxious thoughts, no thanks, you can go... shhhhhhh) yeah, I'm pretty sure changing my morning light helped me "sleep in" this weekend.

And I suppose this hasn't actually been about sleep but about waking up, so.... there you go.

Moar Pls

Man, did I ever enjoy what turned out to be an accidental four day weekend.

Like, seriously.

I knew Saturday, Sunday and Monday were the holiday weekend but I somehow managed to have Friday feel like a day off too - in part because a lot of places seemed to be making it into a four day weekend (including some of the street construction that normally is part of my waking up extra early lately.)

I know I mentioned it the other day, but weekends are the only time I ever seem to feel a hint of relief from life right now (and that's a crap feeling to be honest) and so to have had Friday feeling like a day off and then knowing I had three more to come?  Wow... that felt great.

I even managed to sleep in, twice!  A little bit on Saturday and even more on Sunday, it was delightful!

Plus, I think I know how/why I was able to.... but that's not really the point here... the point is that having a good few days off in a row was absolutely lovely and very very needed.  I could use a few more of those now please!

The Keyboard

I had a lovely chat with Apple support on Friday (? Was it Friday?  long weekends always throw me off... sure, we'll say it was Friday)  And I mean that legitimately.  The call was great.

I got called back right away, the person was super nice and helpful and pleasant and yes, I can take my laptop in to have the (already a replacement) keyboard looked at and most likely replaced (again).  I just, to be honest, don't want to.  It's a pretty massive hassle to go without a laptop, and I'm lucky that I still have my old one but oh she is so slow it hurts.  Anyway, that's also part and parcel of my Covid-specific-anxiety and me not wanting to deal with all this.... stuff.  

But yeah the service call was great.  

I really should look at having them fix it as now the b key is starting to repeat.  Le sigh.

There's also the issue (for me at least) though that this laptop is a lease.  I was not in a financial place to buy outright and I've never leased anything before and now I feel a little trapped.  I'm trying to figure out next steps and part of me is maybe waiting to hear back on that before I go a while (a week?  two?) without this one for the keyboard issue/fix.  I dunno... I extra avoid things that can be safely avoided since Covid.  And by "safely avoided" I mean things I don't have to have to deal with and that nothing will go particularly wrong if I don't deal with it.  Passive.... avoidance to reduce massive anxiety,  but I suppose this week I have to do something.  Either deal with the keyboard, or deal with the lease or both.  When I return this unit I sure hope they fix the keyboard before selling/leasing it to someone else, but the issue is attached to the serial number so it's down on record as needing replaced.  

Am I babbling?  It feels like I'm babbling.  This has been a stressor for me this last week or so as it involves one of my biggest anxiety sh*t shows - money.  FUN TIMES!

But yeah, I'mma focus on the awesome, helpful, friendly phone call I had with Apple support.  The end.

Gobble, Gobble

A very happy Thanksgiving to any of my Canadian friends and readers. 

Or, should we be more honest and say a very happy day where you make things so you can put gravy on them.  Happy gravy day!

P.S. Have had the big comforter, and Summer quilt on all week.  Might be throwing on another blanket soon... who knows?  Am slowly putting away my fans one by one, and I officially turned my radiators on yesterday and pulled out my warmest pjs.   I might be admitting it's actually Fall now!

I'm Sorry!

 I feel really guilty right now because in my dream last night/this morning (?) I was waiting for an airplane (getting a few airplane dreams lately) and there was a married pilot also waiting (and we might have been in the "Big Brother" tv show house??) and he and I were SO incredibly attracted to each other but he was married and then at the end of the dream he was hanging on his bed (see Big Brother house) and we just "couldn't help" but like make out kiss each other and then I pushed away and was like NO and I felt guilty then and I feel guilty now and I'M SO SORRY DREAM WIFE!  

Pout/Tantrum

Ugh, I just got super stressed and overwhelmed by a couple of things I need to do (or kind of "should" maybe do) and not they're not life or death but now I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and feeling anxiety and I  just want to whine about the fact that this adult stuff sucks.  There's no real break, everything is just like, all the time and there's no "holiday" like when you were a kid and you got the entire summer off to do NOTHING BUT PLAY and I hate having to constantly adult, especially with the addition of anxiety/panic because now everything is just THAT MUCH HARDER AND EXHAUSTING and sigh.  

I'd fall on the ground and kick and scream if I didn't think it'd disturb my neighbours.  Plus that's not really something I remember doing as a kid anyway... 

Sigh.  Why'd I gotta be in charge of everything anyway?

UGH!  POUT.  STOMP.  SLAMMING OF IMAGINARY DOOR.

I Imagine I'm Not The Only One

I feel like in some ways everything stopped in March.

Like, I remember reading/hearing about a novel coronavirus outbreak in Wuhan China at the end of last year and shrugging it off like most of the other epidemic type things (and even the last few pandemics if I'm honest).  Yes, I heard about it from there... I have friends of friends who live in Hong Kong and they mentioned their kids coming out of school and still it felt like "far away thing".

And then it hit other countries, I think it was Italy that was heavy hit "early on"?  And then there was a case here (like, North America) and then New York got bad and I kept that feeling of what I assume is denial?  "Well, these things never really come here" or "Well the bird flu wasn't that bad"  or "Oh, well the swine flu didn't affect me at all anyway" but I started to see people around in masks and gloves and I got uncomfortable and nervous because I didn't know what I should be thinking/feeling and hey, with a system already prone to overreacting due to anxiety I didn't want to run screaming down the halls of crazy unnecessarily.  

But then there was that bizarre (yes, I still find it bizarre) run on toilet paper.  Like what even was that ever about other than herd mentality and group panic leading to group panic and I started being more aware of my hands and washing my hands and not touching my face and I remember my Mom at one point saying she wasn't going to Tai Chi any more because lots of her classmates were Chinese and travelled there a lot and I kind of felt like she was maybe being a little racist (?) and over reacting but whatever.... she's an old school trained nurse - she's allowed her safety fears even if I thought they were dumb (turns out probably not, who knew?  my Mom apparently....)  I remember seeing my parents in early March - a home visit, where we talked briefly about the virus and my Mum mentioned she still hadn't gone back to Tai Chi (I asked - she'd not gone in several months at this point) and that she and Dad were being pretty cautious due to their age and Dad's heart situation.  I hugged them both on my way out and looked them in the eye and exchanged "I love yous" and it's been that many months since I have hugged my parents and I have an acute awareness that I may possibly never do so again.  (Big sigh).

I started adjusting my shopping habits some point early March and Jason and I talked about possible lockdown and what would happen if chains of supply got broken and I started adding canned goods to my late night shopping trips (fewer people in the stores) and my anxiety turned to full on panic that second week of March as there started to be a sense that we'd lockdown and we had no idea how that would look or work or how bad it might get and timing wise my regular set of prescriptions got ordered just in time and there was a buzz of anxious energy anywhere you went and the day before lockdown happened I had my prescriptions and a pantry with canned goods and a decent supply of groceries and a regular amount of toilet paper (!) and then it felt like everything stopped.

Our country shut down.  Kind of.  I was scared for the people still working.  I wanted to cheer and yell THANK YOU every time the garbage trucks came by.  I had no idea how dangerous the situation was and it felt to me like every surface was carrying enough of the virus to make me (or anyone) sick.  So I  wore gloves to take out the garbage, thankful that I'd been able to buy some when they were all sold out.  (I quickly switched to handkerchiefs for the environmental impact.)  I struggled to order certain things online (like liquid soap).  I stayed out of stores.  Away from people.  And yes, for a terribly long time I had a really hard time leaving the house at all.  At all.  I'd go for a walk, after days of freaking out about it and I'd have a bandana around my neck.  I'd pull it up when there wasn't room for us to avoid each other on sidewalks (between roads and walls, etc.) and I'd be stressed, but trying to get fresh air.  I had weird panic shopping moments... like I ordered two sets of foot powder from the UK because my anxiety suddenly freaked out that I'd never get any ever again and the company would shut down because of all this and the one full thing of it I had?  Well that didn't factor in.  I panic shopped a LOT in the first while, not knowing if supply would run out.  I tried to reduce the amount of loads of laundry I did and dish washing because what if I ran out of soap and detergent??  I was living with absolute panic anxiety over everything not being ok and not having supplies of.... everything while feeling like I could get deathly sick at any moment and that everyone around me could and would as well.  What would this look like?  Overwhelmed hospitals and dying people in hallways?  Like the stories we'd been hearing out of New York and other places?  I couldn't stop myself from reading the horror stories and the awful illnesses and deaths and that would make me panic even more and I genuinely didn't want anyone to catch it.  Not my family, not my friends, not strangers, not anyone.  It sounded awful, and like the choices were between horrendous death or horrendous non life for... ever.  Damn.

And all this just to say I think a lot of me is still back there in March...waiting for things to go back to "normal".  I suppose that's denial too, eh?  But to look at the calendar and see October feels surreal.  I can look outside as I type this and tell you, yeah, it's a cooler March day.... Spring, you know?  Chilly sometimes...

I know I've been waiting for this to be over since it started.  And while I can understand those professionals who say it might be another year or two, I can not wrap my brain around how that feels or how that looks or how that works.  

There is also the fact that I do not WANT to accept this.  Yes, I know there are always viruses and bacteria around and a lot of the time our bodies come into contact with them and fight them off (thanks for that by the way) and sometimes they don't.  I've had chicken pox, pneumonia, bronchitis, colds, flus, probably a bunch of other things I've forgotten.  And there are the other things like cancer that you can't "catch"... and there are sprained ankles and broken arms and concussions and who knows how many other things I could name, like I GET and understand that all that is out there all the time.  I do not want to live in a hermetically sealed bubble.  I DO want to have a healthy, happy immune system and a healthy body, but this damn virus, being new... being "novel", it's not something I feel comfortable just brushing off.  We're, how many months in and still learning?  So I can't just tell myself it's "no big deal" and if you can, I'm envious of you.  I am certainly calmer about it than I was 6+ months ago but yeah, this whole thing has messed with me big time.  Including my sense of time and reality.  I spent a lot of time in Spring going "this isn't real?" and lots of other people I spoke to had that same feeling.  And lots of other folks are weirded out by how time is "working" lately.  This all is just weird.  Weird, weird, weird, and now you're telling me it's Autumn?  The one before Winter?  Y'all, we didn't even have a Spring!!!!

Awkward!

So... um.... how do I know that the last few weeks have been extra stressful?  Well, the grocery delivery I got yesterday (and that was ordered last week) included frozen blueberries and some bananas and that's the only "real" food I actually got... everything else was comfort food or junk food and I can not stop laughing at my past self thinking "f*ck it, I'll just get crap cuz then I'll at least feel better!"

Whoops!

Also, I guess I didn't read the descriptions carefully and now I have a 2kg bag of perogies rather than the small bag of perogies because the bag I got was "on sale" (by 60 cents) and if we can just remember I'm not supposed to be eating gluten or things that are pretty much just carbohydrates and so now I have 2kg's worth to get through, d'oh!

Um, so yeah... I should probably not "let" myself put in orders like that again.  Ahem.  (And no, I'm not admitting what the rest of the order included!)