OK Fine, I'll Tell You Everything

It was Bird.

The "companion" I turned to last weekend? Bird.

Bird, Bird, Bird. Bird. Bird. *sigh*

So why didn't I mention it? Why didn't I come right out and say "Hey, guys, I asked Bird if he'd ever sleep with me."? Well it seemed like saying that would open the door right up for people to roll their eyes at me and judge. Which, you know, is kind of not something I like. Even from the occasional random stranger who has shown up here and put in an unsupportive comment or two. (Which, um, DELETED, but still, ow.) So, yeah, I was chicken.

See, the last time I said anything significant about Bird it was this: "I still hang out with Bird every once in a while and am no longer wanting to get him in my pants (it's subtly different from wanting to get in his pants) except when something sets my hormones raging."

So it didn't feel cool to have said that and then be turning around and saying, "Well, actually, about that...I kind of am back to wanting to get him in my pants. Sorry!" Not that I have to apologize to you guys or anything, I mean you're awesome...but still. It felt weird.

But it wasn't entirely random.

I really had stopped wanting anything from Bird beyond the occasional person to watch a video with and lean up against when watching said video, because that's a nice feeling and mammals are meant to touch. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

But then I ran into my ex. And in case you couldn't catch it here, it really threw me. Really.

I'm not in the same space I was when DD and I were together but running into him made me feel like I was in no space. Not there, but not quite here. It's hard to explain. I suddenly felt in limbo somehow.

It's been strange.

And sometimes when things are strange I cling to something as an "answer" And in this case, I fell back, for a few days, into wanting to be in a new relationship RIGHT NOW! Now. And I started thinking about Huck and how maybe if I ran into him he'd suddenly remember to fall in love with me and maybe I should drop everything and go to his workplace and bat my eyelashes at him 'till the noticed?

Got talked off that ledge. (Thanks S!)

And then I started thinking about Bird and how, even though 80% of the time he's not boyfriend material, maybe I could be his girlfriend the other 20% of the time and just put my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalala" while rocking back and forth therefore not noticing the rest of the time?

Talked myself off that ledge pretty quick. (Thanks Sanity!)

And that was that. Kind of.

Somehow, running into DD had not only flipped my "want boyfriend not single life now" switch, it also flipped my "want hot man action now" switch. And I didn't think much about it because I was too busy thinking who I should have as my new fantastic boyfriend, why hello stranger, are you single? Until a girlfriend and I went out for dessert and drinks. (Mmmmm, what a combo, I'm drooling just thinking about it) We got talking, as girlfriends do, about guys and I caught her up on stuff. And then Bird texted, slightly drunk from an outing with his buddies. And my girlfriend started laughing, this gleam in her eye.

"Why don't you just have sex with Bird" she said. (Yeah, our conversation had gone from guys to sex. It's typical girl talk, to be frank.) "Seriously. I mean, why not? He's hot, you guys get along, make out with him."

And it was like my brain was hearing it for the first time. Bird? No. We're not like that. Nah. Bird? Wha?

But I laughed it off, telling her it wasn't good timing anyway. (Ladies, you hear what I'm saying, right? And, yes, this could be a whole other blog post, but I think I'm not going to go there)

"Perfect!" she exclaimed. "Then you'll know you can only go so far with things and you can test out what it's like to make out with him!"

And again, I laughed, "Yeah, right. Bird wouldn't make out with me anyway, so it's a moot point." And we left it at that.

But my brain didn't. My brain started wondering... "Would Bird make out with me? Would Bird sleep with me? Huh." And, now I'll admit, I can be a stubborn person. And curious. And if you let things mull around in my head for long enough, often, something will come out of it.

Like me, turning to Bird (after we'd ended up at a pub that, last time I'd been there, ironically enough, had been with DD) and saying "So. Would you sleep with me?"






More on this soon.

Probably tomorrow.

For now, I've got to go get ready to see an awesome concert on my province's legislature lawn.

Happy BC Day y'all.

We're 150. ;)

Bird. The Second.

If you're just joining us, this post is already in progress. Go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait.

"When?" was Bird's first response, which amused me highly, and to which I responded with "You know, ever." because "Well, how soon can we get to your place?" didn't seem appropriate at the time.

There was a pause, and an amused look on Bird's face and as I picked up my drink and watched him process, I really didn't know what his answer would be, but I expected it to be a "no."

I told him, in case he didn't want to hurt my feelings, that I wouldn't be offended either way, and I snuck a fry off his plate. (Because fries are good and I'm opportunistic like that. I asked him if it was ok to have a fry once I started chewing on it)

I was surprised to hear that he'd thought about it and that, yes, he figures he would, but just doesn't know if he will. And I understood, I think, what he meant by that. (A friend of mine, when I told her he'd said this said it was a totally offensive thing to say and why didn't this guy just sleep with me already. Um, I don't know?) And then the gin and tonic kicked in and I spent the rest of our hilarious conversation trying not to kiss him.

And he took me home and I didn't know what to say when we got to my place so I didn't say anything. And we hugged, as usual and he went home and I couldn't fall asleep. Haven't slept all that well this past week, actually, because I keep waking up and wondering why it felt like someone was in my bed. Or I keep trying to fall asleep only to have a Bird sex dream wake me up. It's frustrating. So frustrating that I decided to do something about it.

And this is where things get interesting if I take a step back and observe, like an anthropologist or something.

I decided to write Bird an email, being upfront about where I'm at right now and that while I wouldn't push it, I was willing to sleep with him. (This is a pretty bold statement, I think and one that I was comfortable making.) And Bird hardly ever answers emails so I didn't think too much after I sent it. But my brain did start to tick... "Hmmm, he hasn't done anything. Why is that? I'm a hot chick. Wouldn't any guy jump at the opening to sleep with me? Or at least to get some action? What's the deal here" Curious, I send him a text. "You should stay over if you don't go away this weekend." it said, because in our talk the other night, Bird had mentioned that a couple of nights he'd thought he wasn't going home after a video. ("If you'd asked, you wouldn't have." I told him) And Bird didn't go away this weekend.

Which, you know, to my logic meant he was going to come over Friday and stay and we'd see what happened and worst case scenario I'd have another sleepless night with a warm body to steal covers from.

But he didn't, and I wondered. So we went out Saturday night to have a couple of drinks and while the evening didn't get off to a smooth start due to assumptions on my part and Bird being Bird on his part, things were fine once I met up with him.

And after a while of Bird not bringing up anything I asked him if he had a habit of just ignorning things he didn't want to talk about.

"Like what?" he asked.

"Um, my email?" I grinned, giving him that look that you give to your puppy when he's done something bad but cute.

"Oh, right. Yeah, I didn't read that email. I was busy, it looked interesting, so I saved it for later when I had time, and I haven't had time yet." he said.

And I burst out laughing. How many days had I been wondering what he thought, working myself up over what he might or might not be thinking. I rolled my eyes. At him, for being an email dork, and at me, for working myself up over something that wasn't.

And as he was walking me home later, I told him that I really only had so many more blows to my ego that I could take.

He paused. "Like what?"

"Like, the email you didn't read. And the text."

"Text?"

"Yeah, the text I sent a couple of days ago where I asked you to stay over."

"You didn't ask." he replied "That wasn't asking."

And I remembered everything so many of my guy friends and my brother had told me. "Guys are simple. They say it like it is." And the observer in me was fascinated. Because there was I, being, in my view, very open. And there was he, not seeing it at all the way I'd intended.

"That wasn't asking."

Wow. How many times have I thought I'd said something to a guy clearly? And how many times was it not clear enough. Do I have to completely re-learn the way I go about getting things I want from guys? "Yes honey, I would like for you to send me flowers at work on Valentine's day." Or are there some guys who get more subtle messages? Are there some guys who would have seen what I said as an invitation. Maybe there are. Probably there are. But at least now I know that there are some that aren't.

And before you start telling me that sleeping with Bird is a bad idea, don't, it's ok. It most likely won't ever happen. I'm not sure we'll ever get past the "cuddling on the couch" stage and that's ok. Bird and I may not be meant to be anything more than that to each other, that's fine. But if it does happen, that's fine too. For where I'm at right now? That's fine.

It may not be fine for where I'm at a month down the road and if it's not, I won't go there. It's just right now, the switch that got turned on when I ran into DD hasn't been turned back off yet. And if that switch needs some hot man action before it flicks itself back off, Bird's a safer bet than some random guy.

Besides, since I don't sleep with random guys? Bird's the only bet I've got, and anyway, the way I see it Bird's a decent choice if I'm looking for a dalliance; I know him, we're casual friends, we get along well, and I know his faults, which makes me less likely to have false expectations.

So we'll see. I'm guessing platonic will win over passionate.

And now my confession is done.

Just Breathe

So, Bird.

Sigh.

I've known Bird for a while now and while we don't really spend a lot of time together socially, we run into each other about once a month or so and it's always nice to hang out.

I feel really comfortable around Bird, and I've always been really straight with him about where I'm at and how, while I was attracted to him, I didn't want to "get together" with him because it was a habit I was trying to break, and oh, I dunno, the little fact of him never responding with a "gee, yeah, maybe we should take a shot at a relationship" or anything.

(Hi. I'm not making sense, I know. Just pretend I am, okay? Thanks.)

A few months back, Bird and I made plans a couple of times to hang out one on one, not with our normal group. I was looking forward to it because at the best I figured it could be the start of something and at the worst, I knew it'd be cool to hang out as friends.

But then Bird didn't follow through on our hanging out. And I got disappointed and hurt and, I guess, frustrated that I'd considered putting myself out there emotionally with someone who would just not call when they said they were going to.

So I went through a rough time of feeling frustrated and feeling awkward and bitter when I had to see him and then I decided to just move on; that he wasn't worth it.

And then I started hanging out with Runner Guy. (Who, by the way, has just stopped calling or emailing. And while I'm not entirely surprised, it still seems a little rude and sudden to me, but..."whatever" as the girls from The Hills might say)

But I missed the closeness Bird and had and the friendship we'd started so when we were all hanging out last month I got up the courage to pull him aside and say "Hey, what happened sucked and I'm hurt and I thought we were starting to be friends." And so we talked it over and hugged and made up and it was really good to clear the air although I never really got a clear understanding of why he hadn't followed through, I really didn't feel it was worth hashing over and creating drama about. So I moved on.

And started having feelings for Bird all over again, but not in any way that was uncomfortable, just in a sort of back of my head "I wonder if he'd be a good guy to date, he sure is attractive and gives good hugs" kind of way.

And then Bird got hurt. Ended up the hospital after an accident kind of hurt and all of a sudden this big guy was all vulnerable and in pain and something snapped in me and all I wanted to do was kiss it all better for him.

I know...such a girl, right? Damn.

So we decided to hang out and I was reluctant because he didn't follow through last time, but was also willing to give him and our friendship another shot. (With that voice in my head also talking very loudly about all the "and what if's", of course.)

So last weekend we grabbed a movie and hung out at my place. And after the movie and some innocent (no, really) snuggling, we talked for a while. And this is where the post should really. I just had to give you the background story.

More Bird talk tomorrow...and probably the next day. This one may take me a few days to get through.

I'm not teasing y'all, I just really don't want to make you read a ten thousand word essay, you know?

Plus, this apartment won't clean itself.

Hold off on the yelling at me for a few days, would ya? My head kind of hurts today and I'm not sure I'm up for the wrath of y'all.

Flying Solo

I'm not hanging out with Bird anymore.

You heard it here first.

I mean, not that there's really anywhere else you could go to hear about it, but still. You heard it here first.

See, Bird and I had plans for BC day and Bird? Didn't follow through. Again.

And he didn't apologize and he didn't do it well. In fact, Bird sent me a text message telling me he was going to the gym and then to bed.

Which left me downtown listening to the concerts by myself.

And it's not that I'd minded being down there by myself when I'd known company was joining me later, but being stood up in that way, and having the fun evening suddenly lose half its company can really bring a girl down. Which it did.

And then the nicest thing happened. I'd been text messaging earlier with a fellow I've just recently gotten to know (calm down, y'all, he plays for the other team, we're just hanging out) and when I told him I'd been stood up he immediately asked if I wanted him to come down.

Which I did.

And we had fun and we looked at cute guys together, and we enjoyed Feist's (always excellent) show.

But it was a stark contrast to me. This guy that I barely know, have hung out with a few times offering to come down and keep me company v/s Bird who had given his word that he'd come to the shows with me bailing without so much as a thought to how it might make me feel.

Wow.

So I was hurt and upset and more than a little annoyed and so I sat down and wrote Bird out a letter explaining how I've felt he has treated me, especially recently, and asking why he wasn't talking to me about things. And then I texted him and asked him if I could have some time that weekend to talk to him. To which I got a pissy text message back. *sigh* So since we'd made plans with some other people to meet up the next weekend I decided I'd give the letter to him then since I didn't feel like dealing with a petulant child of a man.

And then he didn't show up that weekend.

And I decided to just scrap the letter and move on. Because if he didn't get it, what was my laying it out for him going to do? Probably not much.

I haven't heard from him since. I mean, sure, he showed up at a friend's house, but didn't make eye contact or say hi or anything until he was leaving.

At which point he looked at me and raised an eyebrow and said, with all his charm "What, I don't even get a hug?"

So I gave him one. Shaking my head at whatever the heck he must have been thinking. Or not thinking.

And then he left.

And I burst into tears. I burst into tears because I wanted him to be so different from who he is and I wanted our friendship to be wonderful and if anything romantic came from that, well that would just be a fantastic bonus, wouldn't it? I'd really thought he was different from the person he's shown himself to be and I get sad when it turns out the beautiful person I see only exists in my mind.

So I haven't heard from Bird in a couple of weeks and I don't expect to hear from him again, to be honest. Usually I'm the one who keeps in contact and checks in and as much as I'll miss having someone attractive and male to cuddle up with while watching a video, I'm done being treated like this. This isn't friendship. This isn't even a decent acquaintance....ship.

So while Bird and I were never dating and never kissed or anything? We're no longer together. The one sided friendship is done.

Which is kind of a bummer.

Guess it'll be a little boring(er) around here for a while. Sorry y'all.

The Non-Date

Up until now, Bird and I have really only been movie buddies; watching videos or catching a movie together every once in a while. So, when he called me this weekend to ask if I wanted to meet him at a local pub I didn't really know what to think.

And, people? Let me tell you something. The only thing harder than trying to figure out what to wear on a date? Is trying to figure out what to wear on a "I don't think this is a date but what if it kind of is" kind of thing. You don't want to look like you think it's a date but you don't want to look not-nice just in case it has the potential to be a date, but if it's just a friendly thing and you look too date-like you'll make things weird. Girls, I know you know what I must have gone through, right? And guys? You're probably thinking the dude wouldn't have noticed what I was wearing unless I showed up naked, right?

So, on my way down to meet Bird, I called my buddy (hi Buddy!) and asked him, "How do you know if something's a date?"

"If you're wondering?" he answered, wisely, "Then it's probably not a date."

Damn.

But seeing as I didn't know what to expect (like, is he meeting friends down there or will it just be the two of us) and since we haven't ever really hung out before not either on a couch or in a movie theatre, I'm pretty proud of how brave I was heading down to meet him. (And I know y'all are proud of me too)

Turns out it was just the two of us and we sat and chatted and he ate and I didn't (yet another future post there, my friends) and HOLY CRAP things keep falling down in my bathroom and freaking me out I told him I felt like we were in that scene from Jerry McGuire where they take him to a restaurant to fire him and Jerry realizes it's so that he can't make a scene.

See, last time we'd hung out, I told Bird that I wanted to talk to him. Now, please note I did not say "we need to talk" because, really, I was the only one who *needed* to talk, I was just hoping he'd talk back after I was done. And, all in all, it worked out well talking there because it wasn't a serious conversation but I still had the help of a Gin and Tonic to loosen the flow of stubbornly stuck in my head words and thoughts.

The downside to that helpful G&T is that I can't exactly remember all the details of what Bird had to say, but I do, thankfully, remember the gist of the conversation.

I basically told him that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that if either one of us started straying from that page we'd let the other know. I told him that I wasn't sure where he stood with things and with me, but that I wanted some clarification so that I could, you know, figure out the page. Or something that I swear made more sense at the time.

And guess who just texted me. Oh, irony, you can be so sweet.

So Bird and I are friends and like hanging out and that's all there needs to be to it right now. Neither of us seems in a space to be (or want?) a relationship right now and darn it if I'm now cursing myself for not asking him if I was someone he might want to be in a relationship with, but, whatever. The complication for me, of course, is that I need to make sure I don't get too emotionally invested in this guy, which, as it's been pointed out to me, can sometimes be hard when the guy is good to cuddle. And Bird is. Unfortunately. Fortunately.

I'm not really sure what else to say about it at this point, partly because there's a very cynical part of me that keeps saying "this guy's just not interested and is taking the easy 'I'm not ready for a relationship' route while still getting to hang out (and maybe even cuddle sometimes) a cool chick, how convenient for him." And that part gets countered by another part of me that says "you know what? You're a big girl and if you want to hang out with this guy that you seem to be attracted go, go right ahead, just take care of your heart and don't get too attached and see what happens." And then there's the *other* voice that says "dude? Just get it over with and sleep with him because you know this is going to end badly and you're going to get hurt so bad and so you might as well enjoy it while you can" And, let's not forget the final voice that says (accompanied by Disney music, by the way) "oh, but maybe he is the perfect man for you and it will all work out just perfectly in the end and this is only just the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

But that voice doesn't get much say because then the other three voices start arguing about how Bird's this and that and not my type and not good for me because and blah blah blah and so, yeah.... I'm probably making this far more complicated than it is.

Bird and I are just friends.

I'm just not sure I'm entirely buying that.

From my end, at least.

Mmmmmmokay

So, where was I?

Ahhh, yes, the weekend.

A good weekend, all round; mellow and relaxing and fun wrapped into one.

So, as I mentioned kinda, the other day, I had a couple of good conversations this weekend. The one I had with Bird'll be another post because I said so. Plus, it makes me giggle when y'all say I'm teasing you when really I'm not.

Very much.

Ly.

So anyway, you guys remember B, right? He of the swarthy locks and other. . . um . . . "positive traits" ?

Well B and I chat every once in a while and catch up on lives and things and as he's one of the few friends I've told about my blog and who tends to keep up with it (while still not actually spilling my secret to anyone), he often knows more about what's going on in my love life than some of my friends.

So when I signed on line Friday (or was it Saturday? I forgets) evening he asked me what I was doing home. I told him that I'd just come back from a non-date and he asked "With Runner Guy or Bird?"

Now, why the silly boy thinks I'm still hanging out with Runner Guy when we all know he disappeared off the face of the earth a while ago doesn't matter, (I'll make him study the archives another time) what matters is that when I told him I'd been on a non-date with Bird, his girlfriend suddenly took over the chat (I have this wonderful image of her pushing him right off the stool and sliding on in. Heh. My brain's funny.) and asked me all about Bird and what was going on and we had the best, most hilarious conversation ever.

Mid-way through this conversation (during which we decided that Bird and I are allowed to be friends for now and that may be all for now, or possibly forever) as I was explaining that Bird's really not my type she asked me what my type was. I instantly, and only half jokingly blurted out the name of my longest time crush, a guy who happens to have worked with B. And? She TOTALLY has a crush on him too. In fact, most likely every woman who has ever met this man probably has a crush on him, but that's not the point because I've had a crush on him forever and ever, (no seriously, it's been probably ten years?) so I win for sure. So as we googled for pictures of him and talked about all the reasons we LOVE him, we decided that he should totally fall for me for sure.

Can you see why I love this girl so much? She completely agrees with me in what guys are hot AND she agrees that this guy and I should have the most adorable little babies ever and live happily ever after.

Plus, she's totally hilarious and stuff.

But yeah.

My only problem is that she wants me to go in to his place of work and actually talk to him. As in, you know, not be shy?

Hmmmm... we'll have to work on that part. I say there must be some other way to win his love. Like.... ESP or something. You know, if I think it enough it'll happen.

Right?

RIGHT?

Ok. I need to go to bed. This post makes no sense anymore, if it ever really did to begin with.

The moral of the story is this: B has excellent taste in women. And B's girlfriend has excellent taste in men.

Bird Part 2

So, Bird and I are talking this weekend and he shares with me that he started, or had been seeing a mutual friend of ours.

Which is disappointing in and of itself, but is made triply so because while he was seeing her, I was wondering about him. Hello ego blow. Hello, I knew he wasn't interested in me. Hello, I feel stupid now.

But do you know the kicker for me? I had talked to this girl, as a friend, about Bird. To be honest, I don't remember how much I got into it, but I know there was a time, around New Year's where we were all together and I was talking to her about maybe liking him and I got this weird vibe off of her.

At the time, having read the Girl Code book from cover to cover, several times, I knew that if she was interested in him too, she would take the opportunity to tell me. But she talked about her ex and how she missed him so I wasn't sure what the vibe was about.

And then when I was so hurt by Bird not calling, I talked to her about it too and she bitched right along with me about what a jerk he was and how I wouldn't want to date him anyway because then it would be awkward when we all hung out.

And now I discover she was seeing him this whole time.

I've, honestly, never felt so betrayed by another girl before, ever.

I mean, we've all done it; liked a guy a girlfriend liked, but you either don't do anything about it or you let her know and ask if it's ok and how it's going to affect your friendship.

And, sure, I could argue that she and I weren't particularly close, but it's so hurtful to think that I was confiding in someone who was looking me in the eyes, telling me she understood, and the whole time she was trying to build her own relationship with the same guy. I don't get that.

I really don't. Where's the honesty. We're not in high school here. We're not in Laguna Beach either, for that matter.

And I sort of knew that a friendship with her wasn't something I was going to pursue even before New Year's because I'd talk to Bird and our friends and she'd have asked them all to hang out and do something but the phone call wouldn't have made it to me. And the girl radar in that situation pings and says "chick is trying to horn in on your man" even when the man's...well, not yours. I had that vibe from her, but thought she wasn't like that, and thought that for all the times we talked about her ex there was no way she was dating someone new. It didn't even occur to me that she might be lying. There was just that odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

So sitting there last weekend with Bird and hearing all of this I didn't know what to think. Of her, of him, of myself.

And of course I spent a few minutes beating myself up for being all gooey over a guy who had shown no signs of interest in me. But it's hard to stop feelings that are already there.

And the instincts? They say walk away. Be friends with this guy, maybe, but only if there's no emotional, physical connection that's going to mess you up.

A Thing That Is Accepted as Certain to Happen, Without Proof ?

An assumption.

An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat?

Fear.

You combine these two and you have the cause of a lot of the frustration I feel. And felt, this weekend.

Twice this weekend, assumptions were made and not followed up on. No, not the end of the world, but ironically on the same evening.

Remember Runner Girl's friend, the shy but sweet guy? Well I hadn't heard from him in months and he emailed me saying they were all getting together this weekend and would I like to join them. I said sure and asked if Runner Girl would be going since I didn't know the house the party would be at. He said that yes, she would be going, and then I didn't hear anything more about it. By the time it got to Friday and I still hadn't heard from him I assumed things had fallen through. Or something.

Turns out I'd assumed he'd give me the details of the thing; let me know where and when, but he'd assumed I'd call Runner Girl and get a ride with her. We both assumed wrong. Neither of us clarified with the other. *shrug*

So, being that I was feeling rather left out and forgotten, I texted Bird and asked him if he wanted to go get drinks. (Thinking to myself that he'd read my email and we'd have something, at least, to talk about)

And he said yes, he just had to do a couple of things so I sat and watched Comedy Now online and amused myself. For an hour and fifteen minutes.

At which point, I got a little annoyed at waiting and asked if he'd drowned in the shower or something. No, he said, but he'd meet me downtown in half an hour.

Not wanting to walk downtown myself as a lone female in the dark (see: Fear above), not one to drive when drinking, and living too close to downtown to take a cab, I asked if he'd meet me at my place and walk down with me.

"Um. I'm already here" was the response.

Which, man oh man, did that ever trigger me. See, the way my friends and I roll is thus: we say we'll do such and such, but usually we need to change/shower/eat first. So we do, and then we call the other and say "Ok, I'm ready now, where are we going and do you want to meet us there or shall we come get you?" So, I'd assumed that this was the way Bird would handle things as well. I assumed. I thought that was what would happen, but didn't ask or confirm.

I was livid. And hurt. All crying and stuff. Started a post, even, about how poorly treated I had been by two guys this weekend.

And then I took a breath. I reminded myself that I couldn't be mad at Bird for not knowing what I'd expected. I could be hurt that he didn't think to ask, but that's Bird's personality and not a personal attack on me or my worth.

There was a lot of deep breathing on my part. Some reminding myself that I wasn't reacting to the situation at hand (things not going exactly the way I'd planned) but was reacting to some other situation from the past that this was bringing up for whatever reason. Some fear.

So I sat down on the floor by the door and told myself this: You can stay home and feel sorry for yourself and write a blog post about how poor little you got treated badly by two big mean men or you can go out and have a drink and get out of the house. Come on, it's Saturday night, bed? Or out?

And I started to get ready. (Again. Having previously taken off my clothes in my pouty huff) I decided still not to take the car (am a good girl) and that by the time the cab I called got to my place I could already be downtown. So I texted Bird and told him if I died on my walk down it was his fault.

He promised to admit as much in my eulogy.

I got over my fear of walking alone after 11 at night and walked the well lit roads to the pub.

Fun was had, blue drinks were consumed, and Bird walked me home.

Moral of the story, my friends? Don't assume.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

It's A Possibility I Suppose

I was thinking about bird song.  Or bird... calls... noise, I dunno.  Bird squalks n stuff.

Like, when I hear bird chatter from far away places it always sounds lovely and interesting but perhaps for the locals it's like argh those damn (insert noise maker bird here)!

Like..... seagulls.  Mother trucking seagulls.  I am SO so so so not a fan of their noise, their sometimes ongoing extraordinarily loud and annoying noise.  But maybe to someone from far far away it would be charming or fascinating?  

Personally, I find that hard to believe as I find nothing charming or nice or good about their call but maybe folks feel the same way about their local birds so what do I know?

Anyway... I hate seagull noise, but maybe someone or someones out there don't.

Funny You Should Mention That

So I had a bit of an up and down week last week. Work had big stuff that I was worried about (but pulled off nicely with some awesome help) and I've been all over the map with regards to Bird.

Ok, maybe not all over the map... I feel like I spent this week wishing things were different and trying to magically change them; like, maybe if I word things *this* way he'll open up about things.

Of course, I knew better, which made the self-pity and slight moping worse. So after feeling a little bit like I've thrown myself at this guy (exaggeration, I know, I'm allowed to exaggerate, it's my story!) this week, I've promised myself I won't initiate contact any more. He knows my number(s), he has my email, he even knows where I live. If he wants to be friends (or more), he can call me.

Sigh.

It's just that when you get to that point with a guy who's not all that interested in you, the "wait and let him come to you" point, it really gets driven home that he's not all that interested. At least when you're calling him and stuff you can pretend he's interested.

Yes, sometimes we really are that pathetic, us girls. It might be genetic. I haven't done enough research.

But anyway, I was on one of my downswings earlier this week and a mutual friend of Bird's and mine (holy smokes, that sentence made no sense) a mutual friend of ours came on line while I was noodling about in Gmail. (Gmail has chat, did you know? Neither did I!) We got to talking and I told her I was happy to see her since I was kinda down with boy problems.

"Oh," she says, " didn't know you had a guy, you didn't tell me!"

"I don't have a guy," I said, "just thinking too much about one."

"Hey, you know what's funny?" She says. "I've always thought you and Bird should get together, you're both so sweet."

I think I may have snorted with the irony.

"Funny you should mention that....I've actually thought that myself."

Oh Universe, you're so funny.

Sigh.

Sorted

We all know we're not supposed to want a boyfriend/girlfriend to change. We all know we're supposed to fall in love with someone for who they are not for who you want them to be, but I think what has(n't) gone on with Bird has given me a better understanding of how this happens.

I think what I tend to do when I'm falling for someone, or interested in them, is focus on all their good points, their positive traits.

I see only the good.

And it's only when I settle in to the relationship that I see things that don't sit well with me; selfishness, lack of follow-through, thoughtlessness, etc. But by then it tends to be "too late" in my mind; I've fallen for him, I've committed to this relationship and this love and I'd darn well better make it work.

So, I try to forget the bad and focus on the good, but it never works. And, yet, in the past I've still hung on. Still hoped that the good I first saw in him would outweigh the other things. That the bad would disappear, that he'd grow out of it, that he'd see how much his actions/behaviours were hurting me and would stop.

That's what you do when you love someone, no? Make an effort to care for them and not hurt them?

It hasn't always worked well for me, doing this backwards version of falling for someone. Head over heels, blindly diving in.

So this thing with Bird has been good for me. Easy? No. It's a struggle at times, for sure.

But, different from what I'd have done in the past, I went in slowly. I went in and learned about some of the traits he has that don't jibe with me and the way I want to be in a relationship and I made decisions with that knowledge in mind.

As I said, though, it's not easy. Old habits die hard, and I find myself just wanting to jump right in and ignore all the bad and focus on the good. And focus on how much I like the good.

But I'm working at reminding myself that there's bad right along with the good. And that in this case, I'm not willing to overlook it and blindly dive in.

I wish Bird were different and that he always followed through on what he said he was going to do, but he's not. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. But I need to remind myself (sometimes a lot) that there's nothing I can do to change him and his patterns and habits.

Doesn't make him a bad person. Just makes me have to move on, which, honestly, is sad and hurts.

But I find I'm mourning the loss of someone who didn't really exist anywhere else but my "dive in blindly" mind. Once I get over that, I may find a good friend.

Or not.

Only time will tell.

Just gotta make sure I see it all, not just what I want to see.

Knowing Better is Only Half the Battle

So, "walk away", say the instincts.

The instincts are pretty darn sure that following the whole Bird thing any further will end up in me feeling hurt and disappointed and let down, and then, most likely, mad at myself.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I can sit here and tell myself that Bird's just not that into me.

I can sit here and tell myself that while I was wondering about him, he was dating someone else.

I can sit here and remind myself of the ways that Bird seems to be a little bit of a bad boy and how he reminds me of DD and some of the other guys I chased when I shouldn't have.

I can sit here and *know* that I shouldn't go any further down this path with a guy who isn't fully, totally respectful of me.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I still have to do better.

But oh, the old habits and familiar patterns are so easy to fall into. And they feel so comfortable, even knowing that they'll most likely end up badly.

I promise you and I promise myself that if I don't start letting things slide in this next week? I'm going to take his number out of my cell phone for a while and I'm going to try really hard to be "busy" if he calls to hang out.

But damn, that's going to be hard.

What is it about the guys who don't want you that can be so appealing?

And why do they have to smell so good.

Mixed

Every time I see a certain type of motorcycle on the roads I look to see if it's Bird, even though I know as soon as I look that it won't be Bird, that it'll be a while, if ever, before he's back on a motorcycle. It makes me sad every time and it makes me wish I'd been just a little more dangerous with him when we were spending time together.

Makes me wish I'd picked him up from the airport on his flight back from Vegas, the night he'd later told me if I had picked him up, I wouldn't have been going home alone. Makes me wish I'd not bothered worrying about the what if's and the but maybe's and had just enjoyed whatever the heck it was we had or didn't have for as long as we had it.

But I also know we weren't meant to be and I'm glad for that. I think maybe I just wish I'd taken more time to enjoy his vitality and his Bird-ness. I miss watching movies in his arms.

Then again, I think right now I miss watching movies in anyone's arms.




In other news, it's a long weekend here this weekend which always sneaks up on me and that I usually only remember because I put Symphony Splash on my calendar and then realize that Symphony Splash is usually on the August Long Weekend, or close to it.

I love Symphony Splash and the happy crowds and the music and the fireworks and I always always cry when the orchestra finishes the 1812 overture and the boats have stopped honking after the fireworks and the pipers come out and my folks and I sing along to Amazing Grace with the rest of the thousands of people who've come out to appreciate live, free, classical music and our amazing, beautiful city.

Enjoy your long weekend if you're one of the lucky ones, like us, who gets one and if you're not, well, enjoy your weekend anyway.




P.S. If you, like me, haven't already discovered this hilarious twitter feed (brace your eyeballs for some swearing) and you want a good laugh, consider it my August Long Weekend gift to you. I discovered it a couple of days ago and haven't stopped laughing yet.

Happy August my friends. I'm sending you all hugs. Share them with your loved ones. Especially your closest friends. Remind yourselves how lucky you are.

Sometimes When You Can't Seem to Put it Into Coherent Sentences, It's Best to Just Let it All Hang Out.

I'm not sad but I am.

There's a voice inside me that keeps saying "This may be your last summer on your own, so enjoy it while you can. No one else to think about but you. Cherish it" but there's also the feeling I get when I think about the things I could be doing right now. "Could" being the operative word (in my mind) because, for example, you don't camp alone. And I don't know anyone else I could camp with. The be-babied friends, the happily married friends, the non-campers but great people friends. I don't know anyone else. You camp with your family. Your single girlfriends. Your boyfriend. Your husband.

Cue the quiet voice... "Why not by yourself? Why. Not?"

But I haven't.

Camped, that is.

I have, by myself, gone for walks, sat and watched street entertainers, gone to Luminara, read five books in two weeks.

I have moments of absolute delight at my single-ness, my ME time. Moments of laugh-out-loud at a tv show and hugging myself because my company is the easiest I've ever known.

But honesty propels me to say that there have also been moments of keen missing, of feeling left out. Of sitting at home listening to fireworks because I didn't have anyone to go with. I didn't have a partner to go with.

Moments of walking through a public gathering and seeing the couples, the young families, the hand holding, the what-I-don't-have-ness and hurting.

Moments of wondering how I will ever come to meet someone when my life is limited to my work space and my coming home to get ready for the next work day space and my one, two, three communities that I put my time into. Where do I have to go? Who do I have to become? No, what part of me do I have to let out, to satiate in order to be around people, the person. Him.

Whoever he is.

And there's occasional moments of panic. Along the lines of "What if I buy a new car and drive it off the lot and scratch it?" I have moments of "If I do meet someone, I have to get to know him. I have to date. And what if I think he's something he's not. Like has happened before. In the past. Historically?"

Bird was a year ago. Exactly a year ago was Bird.

I believe I'd handle it differently now. I feel stronger.

I've been quiet about certain things since Bird. Quiet about crushes and romantic hopes and dreams. Quieter than I should have been maybe, but I felt the need to be guarded. I'm less comfortable when the lines between my life and this blog get blurry and I'm always, always aware of what my Buddy (hi Buddy!) said to me when I first started this blog forever ago that I should write knowing that it may be read by the very person I'm writing about; that there is no anonymity on the internet. So I try to write as if they're reading along. Whoever they are. And I try to write imagining how they'd feel if they came across themselves, written about, without permission on the internet.

I try to imagine how I'd feel if it happened to me.

But after a time of silence, it feels wrong, it feels like I'm leaving out part of my story. Which I am. Which I'm allowed to do.

But ultimately, this is *my* story, and I only ever wrote it down for me.

Whoever it is I'm becoming.

Whether or not this is my last summer being single, I still wish I had a best friend who was all mine.

I guess, for now, that's me.

Fun

C-Dawg and I had the coolest run yesterday, seriously.

It boggles my mind that I just typed that but it's true!

First of all, it was the first run for us in a while where we didn't have time constraints so we headed out knowing we had as long as we wanted, which was a nice way to start.

We tried to head out to see the cruise ships, but we'd missed them but that general direction took us along the waterfront where, for some weird reason we kept on smelling coconut. Like the smell as if you're on a beach where someone has put on that coconut suntan lotion and it's all beachy and coconutty? Know that smell? Yeah, we had that for about the second fifteen minutes of our run. It was so weird. We wondered if it was a hallucination due to the fact we both wish we could be somewhere hot and sunny and tropical right now, but since we both smelled it we figured it couldn't be a dual hallucination.

You really had to be there to see us, we were smelling our hands, hair clothes. At one point, I even leaned over to C-Dawg and said "seriously, maybe it's my hair stuff?" and she had to point out that she couldn't run and sniff my hair at the same time without seriously bad things happening.

There was a good ten-fifteen minutes of this weird coconut oil smell following, no, ahead of us on our run and it was super bizarre. But cool too.

A while after that, we were zig-zagging through one of the neighbourhoods in the area and looked up to see this massive massive eagle being attacked by a small bird. This bird was awesome. It made hit after hit on the huge eagle's wing and dive after dive aimed at its head. We both stopped to watch it and clapped when the eagle finally gave up and took off and the littler bird went winging back to its nest. "Power to the little ones!" may have been shouted by the shorter of us. (coughcoughC-Dawgcough)

We were finishing up and headed towards the park and when we got to the edge of the park we were distracted from our now-very-puffed-breaths conversation by this odd noise.

Which turned out to be a group of people racing awesome remote controlled cars over this cool dirt course setup complete with jumps and curves and it was so awesome I can't even begin to describe it. We just stood there in awe and I gasped every time a mini car went over the biggest jump and landed and flipped over and had to be righted by the guy whose job was to do just that. We got to hear the announcer announce "Final Lap!" and watch the winner get the checkered flag. It was so much fun and such a random thing to see it, we're hoping they're out again next Sunday so we can go watch again!

By then our run was pretty much over (less than a minute to go after I un-paused my watch) and we were going to walk the rest of the way back to my place when something hit me in the head.

Something cold and wet and bouncy.

In less than ten seconds we were pelted by these massive hailstones! Now, usually a hail storm here in Spring lasts all of two minutes, so we ran to the nearest tree and took shelter. It's been a while since I've seen such a massive down pouring of huge hailstones and I don't think I've ever been caught outside in one.

So imagine our surprise when the things just kept on coming and coming, the ground covered in a blanket of them in less than a minute.

We were already laughing and kind of looked at each other and said, hey, do you just want to go out in it? Heck yes! So we did.

We ran out of our shelter and ran through this massive hail storm. Pellets of frozen water the size of small peas really sting when they hit your face you know!

And do you know what else? They're friggin freezing! And they get you absolutely drenched.

I laughed so hard, which made the running even harder, we were running half collapsed over from laughter at the crazy awesomness of it all.

But man were they cold, and we kind of just kept running to keep warm and get home faster.

By the time we'd gone through about 7 minutes of this craziness it started to let up and we were able to, shivering and drenched, walk quickly the rest of the way back to my place.

You should have seen us. Two, soaking wet, red faced, hysterical people in run gear that was stuck to our bodies with freezing hail water. I felt so awesome.

That will go down in the history books as one of the most fun runs I've ever done, and I can't wait for the next one.

Seriously, it was the craziest, coolest run. So awesome.

(Insert my smiling grin here)

Insert Witty Title Here*

So. Bird.

Again.

Sort of.

Allow me to explain...

See, we're both part of a group that's been meeting weekly in order to organize ourselves for something that we put on a couple of weekends ago. So on our last meeting before the big event, I decided to be mature (or something) and ask Bird for a few minutes of his time before he left. You know, instead of letting him just ignore me and then ignoring the ignoring.

So we sat down and I told him that I wanted to clear the air and that while I wished him well and cared about him as a person I felt let down and didn't trust him as a friend or anything beyond that anymore.

And while I'd hoped he'd say something, maybe even apologize, he didn't. And that's just fine. At least I feel I did my part and said what I wanted to say, calmly and honestly.

Fast forward to this weekend, when I ran into that girl. Remember that girl? The one who was seeing Bird but didn't mention it to me, or whatever? Yeah.

And she pulled me aside and apologized. Told me her side of things and, well, whether I trust her completely in what she's saying or not, I appreciate her taking the time and making the effort to talk to me about things. That's mature and must have taken some guts to do.

So in some way I'm still processing, but I guess it's kind of all come full circle, or has gotten its closure or something.

*shrug*

Just thought y'all deserved to hear the latest. As un-drama filled as it might be!



*No, seriously, let's hear your best titles for this post!

Tweee Twooo Wooo

A couple of weeks back I heard a robin sing somewhere past midnight.

Ok, that makes it sound like a bird was singing a song by that name.... I mean, birds don't usually make noise at night but this one was and it was after midnight!

I heard this bird again last night.  I wasn't having a good sleep so it was probably two or so in the morning and there was that robin singing.

I heard it off and on all morning and when I was home again I still heard it (I mean, I'm assuming it's the same bird!)

I googled and there's a suggestion that when birds sing at night it's because it's "too noisy" during the day for them... ugh.

So, yeah, I have a robin near me that is somehow disoriented and thinks the middle of the night is the time of day to flirt... or whatever.

Oh dear.

A Different Way

I feel like I have an opportunity right now to do things differently.  To love in the way I've always wanted to love; without fear... open and free.

I have gone through a lot since the last time I was in a relationship, I really have.  Perhaps the changes weren't obvious here, or perhaps they were, but didn't come out the way they felt inside.

The closest I've come to being in a relationship since Smith was Bird, really, and those were both five, probably even six years ago.

I've grown so much in that time.  Looked at so many things about myself that didn't work, worked at changing so many things that made me unhappy.

Am I perfect?  Fixed?  No longer in need of growth? 

No.

But am I the same person who was broken by Smith, all those years ago?

No. 

I feel like I'm closer to myself.  I know I love myself and like myself in a way I didn't know about back then.

I also know I can get through anything.  I already have.  And I've talked and cried and pushed my way through some very old hurts.  Things I didn't really know about, fully, until right around the time Smith and I were falling apart for the last time.

Bird was part of that, that healing, in his own way.  And the few crushes or hopeful dates I've had since all pushed and propelled me forward. Change sucks.  It does.  Growing, working through your issues and your baggage sucks royally.  Completely.

I have hurt so much these last years, but grown so much stronger through it all.

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."

Going through all that, and not being done, but being further, being stronger, being more human and more... me, leads me up to this point of being at the brink of a new relationship.

A relationship with a man who has, so far, shown himself to be in possession of so many of the qualities I am looking for and value in a partner, a lover, a friend.  And being at this point makes me want to do it all differently.

To not come from a place of fear.  To not hold myself back from loving because of all the things that might go wrong.

To not hold myself back from holding, or asking to be held because of anger or uncertainty.  To remember to breathe, and to live this new love from that place.

That calm place of connection and centeredness.

Will it be that easy?  To just want to do things differently and.... boom, it'll all be smoothly and easily that way?

I'm sure it won't be, but I think knowing where I've been, and where I want to be and where I believe I can be will give me that intention, and that may be even more than half the battle.

I am in a different place this time.  Now.  And I want to live this relationship from that place.

A different place.

Without all the garbage that likes to tell me how to feel and think and be and act.

Without fear.

As much as I can.

Ha!

I just went looking for my "blog post notes" and found them (right where they always are!) and I think some of them are way older than I knew!

Like, there's this one note that says "elk-bird" which is a reminder for me to tell you about the time Jason and I drove somewhere and I saw elk for the first time in my life and then this awesomely huge bird flew low and yeah it's a reminder to tell that story.

So I was thinking about it.. "when did we see those elk?" and my brain went Spring/Summer?  But then I remembered, no, it was right after Jason got out of the hospital... well that wasn't during Covid... was it two Springs ago?  WHAT?  Have I been sitting on these notes for a year and a half?

I suppose that makes sense. I write down the reminder notes but I have to be in the right headspace to tell the story and, well, this pandemic has kind of sidelined a whole lot of headspace for the better part of a year now (almost 10 months now?  here at least.)

And there's another note about something that must have happened two or more years ago even though I remember it clear as day.

And some of you right now are going "wait, what?  Jason was in the hospital" and yeah, I guess I maybe never talked about that either since there are just notes saying "ER-sick" that I'm seeing further down my list... whoops!

So yeah, I have notes for posts from ... er... things that happened a couple of years ago.  Whoops! (Time is weird... extra weird, and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Really?

My car, apparently, should not be kept clean.

Because it seems to me that whenever I go to the trouble of washing it or having it washed a bird promptly poops on it.

Like...really.

Maybe there's something about the newly washed shine that attracts birds?  Or maybe it's just the Universe having a giggle, I don't know.

I just know that a) birds seem to always poop on my car just after I wash it and b) if a bird ever poops on my windshield, it is invariably right smack dab in my area of vision.  Like, right at eye level.

*shakes fist at little birdies who poop on cars*