Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Soon

I've been wanting to talk about this guy from high school for a while here, but I can't come up with a new name for him.

I can't use his real name because it's such an unusual name that it'd be utterly recognizable to anyone who knew him and I'm just not ready to be unveiled on the internet. (Doubt I ever will be actually.)

So I've been trying and trying to come up with a name for him but nothing works. He *is* his name, his name is him. I've never come across this feeling before in the time I've been writing here; the inability to change the smallest detail about someone in order to let me tell their story.

I'll find one soon, one close in heritage or meaning or feeling. One that evokes who he is as much as his real name does.

He was a force in my life. Still is. As a ghost in the background now, hovering in the back of my mind, my consciousness, my spirit and soul.

I'll name him. And then I'll tell you about him.

I promise.

Monday, 30 August 2010

ISP-roblems


Oh y'all.

I have not had a good internet week.

Or two.

A couple of Fridays ago, my internet started getting really slow. Real. ly.

Anything past lunch time and I was barely able to check websites. Forget about streaming or uploading photos or generally doing any of the things I use the internet for.

It got frustrating really quick. So I looked into changing providers and decided to switch from the local business I've been with since I moved here to a bigger, better known provider.

I wish I'd asked around first though, because once I told people who I was switching to they all asked me why I wasn't going with someone else and had I run into their poor customer service yet.

Which I hadn't.

But quickly did.

Unfortunately.

I won't go into the details because they'll bore you and frustrate me, but the ten days I went without having internet at home left me feeling out of touch, fidgety, and frustrated.

Several strongly worded phone calls (from me) later, I'm finally up and running with my new service providers and, well, at least it's an improvement from the broken down-ness I was dealing with before.

I really do hope that things work out and go smoothly with this provider. (Partially because I'd rather not deal with their customer service people again!)

On the flip side, polar opposite style, I've had two of the most excellent, easy, prompt, friendly, polite encounters with amazon.ca's customer service department you could ever imagine. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to anyone.

I was worried this weekend that I wouldn't be able to get internet access at home and wouldn't be able to post, because once I decided to switch, there was no longer slow internet just none at all and three days of none turned into four and I worried it'd be five or six but here I am posting happily away so it all worked out just in time in the end.

Phew.

Now to get caught up on all my shows and blogs and comic strips and other online things. At last!

How was your week?

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Of Course

Do you guys remember DD?

You know, the one who drunk dialed me out of the blue when I hadn't spoken to him in months?

The one I ran into three nights in a row a couple of summers ago?

The one I was dangerously attracted to. "Dangerously" because I knew it wasn't a good relationship. Dangerously because I waited and waited while he was away for work without a promise or commitment from him. Remember?

Yeah, well, guess who's just shown up on the on line dating site? Go on, guess!

Was I moderately tempted to message him? Yes. Momentarily.

Was I moderately tempted to message him nastily and anonymously? Yes. Momentarily.

Am I tempted to delete my profile never ever ever to return? Yes. I am.

Yet another strike against you I'm afraid, on line dating.

Friday, 27 August 2010

Sparks


I love fireworks.

They're always magical and beautiful and there's something about watching them with a crowd and knowing you're all looking up and oohing and ahhing at the same magical lights that I really enjoy.

I grew up fairly near Vancouver and one summer in high school a couple of girlfriends and I made our way out to the Celebration of Light; a fireworks competition between different countries, and an amazing display and social event.

We felt very grown up, being allowed to head into Vancouver on our own, a combination of driving and public transit, and being part of a crowd of people without parent supervision or having to report in to anyone.

Not only were there amazing fireworks, there were cute guys. Tons and tons of them. And for three high school girls, it was almost more about the boys than it was about the fireworks.

The fireworks are usually spread out over a couple of weeks with a mid-week show and a weekend show with a grand finale and winner announcement thrown in there as well.

I don't remember if it was the first night or the second night we'd gone, but we met a group of cute guys. And when we went back for the next night, we met up with them again. (One of those "we'll meet you here at this time" since no one had cell phones then. You didn't need them. I kind of miss those days.)

I liked one of the guys, but he was shy. My best friend, luckily enough, liked this guy's best friend and at some point I decided to invite them all back to my girlfriend's house as her parents were away and her older sister was probably out too. (I heard it from my friend about this later, I guess I should have run it by her first instead of inviting them back, eh?)

I've never quite figured out why, but somehow I ended up in the backseat making out with this other guy, a friend of one of the guys who'd come along for the ride and the whole time I could smell beer on his breath and what a turnoff it was. (I was a sweet, innocent thing for the longest time, I really was.)

We got back to my friend's house and the drunk make-out guy passed out and I was finally able to sit and talk with my crush, James.

In a lot of ways James was my first real boyfriend. He gave me his jacket the next time we went out to the fireworks and told me I could keep it until I saw him again. (Man oh man my parents did *not* approve of that.) I don't remember if there was kissing with him or if we were both so shy we kept it to holding hands and hugging. I remember him telling me "Te amo" over the phone and asking me if I knew what it meant.

I did.

It was sweet.

I don't remember how or if or when things ended, most likely things fizzled out once school started back up again and my girlfriend and I were no longer able to make the trip out to see them. I'm sure there was a time when I was sad over him, or us. I'd bet there was nights of listening to melancholy music and wishing it had all worked out, basking in the sadness of simple heartbreak, but I don't remember it now. All I know is he was a sweet, sweet boy and terribly cute.

I think my friend stayed together with her guy for a bit longer than I stayed with James, but even to this day we look back fondly on our fireworks romances.

There was something so innocent about seeing someone cute, hanging out with them, seeing them again and from that, becoming a couple. Talking on the phone, looking forward to seeing them again, having something to talk to your best friend about while you slept over, debating if you should call one of them on the red phone she kept by her bed.

Whenever I hear about the Celebration of Lights, I think about James and the sweetness and I smile.

I like fireworks.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

A Little Low

I'm a little bit blah today.

Maybe it's that the intensity and build up to the wedding is done and maybe it's that it feels like there's nothing to look forward to at the moment.

Except C-Dawg coming back home for Christmas. But that feels like forever away.

Forever away and shorter days and heavier weather and I miss Summer already.

Maybe I'm also bummed that the guy from the wedding, Cary, hasn't gone out of his way to track me down, get my email or number and I suppose most of me wonders why he would, but the rest of me wonders why not.

Summer's one of the seasons I least look forward to ending for so many reasons and while I do love Fall and its colours and crispness, it also means life tends to get busier and I'm so very much enjoying the mellower atmosphere this summer brought.

I'm not one of those people who lives for stress. At all. I could quite happily live in a state of mellow relaxation and hanging out-ness all the time. People tell me I'd soon get bored, but I beg to differ.

I guess I wish I'd heard from him.

I wish the days weren't getting shorter and losing their heat and that the geese weren't already finding each other and flying their way south.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

A First


Single, at a wedding, can mean something a little bit different than single the rest of the time.

When you're at a wedding and you're not married, you're single. Even if you came with a date. But when you go to a wedding and you don't have a date? Then you're even more single. You're the person everyone's wondering about. "Who's she here with? Who's her date?"

I've been wracking my brain trying to think if I've ever gone to a wedding solo before and the answer is a clear "No."

I've gone with a date/boyfriend. I've gone with my folks, but I think this was the first wedding I've gone to on my own.

Not that I was really on my own, I was a bridesmaid and therefore part of the wedding party, but there were moments where I felt very much single. And solo.

The other girls had husbands and childhood friends there to talk to and I knew the bride and the lovely family and friends I'd met the day before. So I had people to talk to, for sure, but when they were elsewhere, I found myself pushing away a sadness and refusing to give in to self-pity.

Sometimes though, when you're in a situation that's all about love and joy and happiness, you can't help but feel an emptiness at your side. My head was heavy without a shoulder to lean against. My eyes missed having a someone special to sparkle at.

There were moments where it was flat out hard. Moments where I was push push pushing myself through the sadness and hurt and disappointment and loneliness. But when those moments snuck up on me, I'd sit with it for a bit and then get up and shake it off. Wander. Find someone to talk to. Go dance to the next song. The dancing saved me. Cheered me. Made me happy and joyful and I'm very grateful for that. Thankful that I love to dance and love music and that there were others at the wedding who also loved to dance, so I was never alone on the dance floor.

I'm proud of myself, too, for going and being there on my own and taking care of myself and having a great time. It's good to know I can. But also, being one of the bridesmaids really helped. I felt like I was at least part of something, even if I wasn't part of a two-some.

I suppose if you go to a wedding single and aren't lucky enough to be part of a pre-made group like I was you'd really have to be strong and unconcerned about your single status. You'd have to be the kind of person who loved meeting new people and talking with strangers and who didn't mind sitting on the edge watching when the slow dances came on. You'd have to make sure you didn't take it all personally.

Which I didn't.

There's a wedding coming up, I think, this Fall and as far as I know, I'd be going completely on my own.

Which is going to have to be fine.

But you can't force me to be happy about it. I'm not sure I'm as mature as all that.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

New. Again.

I got another camera.

I know most (if not all) of you are like, "Who cares, Victoria? What about the guy?" but I don't have anything more to say on that one at the moment. My friends are still on honeymoon and I can't exactly email them and say "So, hey, did Cary ask about me at all or anything?" but I'm guessing he hasn't. Didn't. Probably won't. Even though I hope he will.

I'm trying not to be disappointed by something that wasn't an anything but it's been a while since I've felt butterfly-stomached over someone and it's hard to just let that go. (I know you'll tell me to just move on, and I will. Eventually. Probably.)

But I got another camera.

I took the last one to the wedding and ended up really liking the shots I got with it.

I'd decided to keep it and was happily looking forward to a long life with it and the nice lens I got for it when it stopped working.

It gone done broked on me.

I took it as a sign that the feeling of wishing I'd bought a DSLR was now an opportunity to do so and so I returned the first camera and bought a new one.

I still adore my first digital camera and think it takes wonderful pictures, but I'm hopeful that this new one will become a new favourite for different reasons.

I still love the camera I grew up learning on best of all and may take it out again one of these days, there's something so satisfying about the heavy click it makes when I take a photo with it and I'll miss my first digital camera and how well I know it, but I think having a digital SLR will be a good thing in the long run and I hope I come to know it just as well as my old one.

New learning curve, here I come. Again.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Part Three. Where It Ends.


We pack everything up and say our goodbyes and goodnights and head back to our rooms.

It's somewhere near two in the morning when my cell rings.

It's my friend, the newly married, stunningly gorgeous, glowing bride.

"Come down to our place," she says "we're all hanging out."

Now when a bride asks you to do something on her wedding night, you do it, but there was something fishy going on here. When we said goodbye, I heard her husband (how cool is it to call him that) say in the background "Victoria's coming back." and I couldn't figure out who he'd be saying that to.

It turns out a few people were hanging out at their place, mainly family, but a couple of close friends, including this guy.

A small part of me wonders if this is why I was told to get my behind there, but I'm pretty tired at this point and so I just sit and chat with everyone for a while.

I nudge this guy. "You're walking me home," I say, because it's dark and where they're staying and where this guy and I are staying it's a fair walk.

We leave pretty quickly because I'm exhausted and can't wait to shower and get out of the dress and into pj's and to sleep.

Getting back to our hotel was one of the night's highlights for me. I laughed the entire way back, conversation was easy and I really enjoyed his company.

I gave him a hug in the elevator and said goodnight, but when I stepped out, he followed me.

I didn't quite know what to do, but figured I'd roll with it.

I got changed and we headed to his room to check it out (not as cheesy as it sounds; this hotel had tiny rooms like I was in, and huge suites like he was in.)

We sat on his couch and chatted a bit about his job (this guy's brilliant) and why I was wearing Winnie the Pooh pj's, but I was kind of on edge.

Having no read at all on this guy in two days, and then finding myself in his hotel room, I had no idea what his intentions were.

I was stinky and sweaty and mother nature hadn't been on my side (if you know what I mean. . . ladies?) and I wanted to scrub off my makeup and have a shower. I was exhausted. Past the point of being able to make much of an effort. I was feeling as un-sexy as I've ever felt in the presence of a single guy. And we'd barely had a conversation.

Had I been more inebriated, or had I already showered and changed before heading out again, or had we spoken at all in the previous two days, or had my lips not been chapped by the super-strength lipstick the makeup gal had put on me, or had I been awake enough to function at all I might have been able to figure out a way to hang out and get to know him and maybe, most probably get a kiss or two.

But I couldn't. Didn't know if he was interested but shy, or just looking for an easy lay or what. Still, had no read on him. I was too tired to talk, too tired to think and I just wanted to go to bed. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him but it was somewhere in the shy/uneasy range.

Had I thought about it, had I had any sort of brainpower left, I would have asked him to get his guitar and play. It's what I found myself thinking the next night as I lay in bed unable to think, smiling every time I thought of the cute, funny things he did in the short time we had together. I really really wish I'd thought to ask him that you guys.

I wish I'd thought to tell him I needed to go shower and that I'd be back in 15 minutes to talk, but I didn't want to give him the impression I was going to sleep with him because I wasn't and I wasn't together enough to just flat out tell him that.

So I told him I had to go. Told him he was an interesting and intriguing person and that I'd see him in the morning. We hugged. I left.

Showered, de-makeup-ed, collapsed into bed, the clock reading 4am.

I saw him, very briefly, the next morning.

I'd hoped he'd come sit with me, but he sat with the guys and when they left he didn't come say goodbye, which I'd also hoped he would. Back to the status quo of us not interacting, so no biggie, but a little bit disappointing as I'd really enjoyed the walk back.

My friend sat down with me for breakfast and we talked about how lovely everything was and how happy I was for her.

"Cary told me 'Victoria and I have chemistry'." she said, not noticing my confused look. "But he only told me after the ceremony."

After the ceremony? After he spoke to me for the first time in two days and asked me to dance? Or did I miss something. Was he watching me too and I just didn't notice? Had he seen me stealing glances at him too? Did he like the feel of my arm around his waist during the pictures? When had he figured this out?

I just looked at her, a strange, surprised look on my face. "Oh boy, " I said, "do I have a story for you."

I can't wait for her to get back so we can talk about it all and I can get her and her husband's opinion. Because, man am I confused.

I can't stop thinking about him and I really want to see him again. To actually talk to him and hang out and get to know him and maybe get the kiss I should have, could have gotten that night.

But he doesn't live here, and I promised myself I wouldn't do a long distance relationship again. I mean, not that that's even in the cards or would be, but still, I logically know that I shouldn't even be entertaining the idea.

Part of me really really hopes that he was interested. Is interested. And that he wants to reconnect and spend time together. And part of me just hopes that my attraction to him will fade as I get further away from the wedding and that I'll just move on and it'll be a happy memory and a good story.

I guess time will tell.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Part Two

Sure, I may have watched this guy when we were doing the wedding rehearsal and I may have been interested to hear one of the bridesmaids speaking highly of him the next day but I had bigger fish to fry.

Like trying not to be upset that the groomsman my friend had jokingly said she wanted me to make out with seemed more interested in talking to his best friends than me. (Until very late at night once he'd had very many drinks at which point I was on my way back to my hotel to sleep as it was way past my bedtime and we had a wedding to get to the next day.)

So fast forward to the ceremony, where this guy shows himself to be a talented musician. Cue an instant, unavoidable bubble of attraction.

Fast forward again to the reception and him making a speech where this guy shows himself to be witty and a good writer.

None of which matters, because we don't even cross paths, not unusual at a wedding with so many people and so much going on. We did have a couple of pictures taken together, at which point I remember thinking that it was too bad he didn't like me, because I liked how it felt with his arm around my waist.

I really don't have the faintest idea where he was for most of the night, didn't think about it at all, to be honest. (I was genuinely surprised to see him in so many of the photos I took during the early part of the reception. It makes me wonder if he just happened to be where I was taking pictures, or if I happened to be taking pictures of him without really consciously being aware of it or if it was a little bit of both.)

The reception was a blast and so enjoyable and when the DJ put out the announcement for the last dance, I grabbed my camera to get some shots of the bride and groom.

As I'm standing there taking photos, I hear a voice behind me.

"So are you taking pictures or are you dancing?"

I look around and it's him.

Looking at me.

So I put the camera down and let him take me to the dance floor.

I have to admit I was quite surprised, but I thought it was pretty nice of him to make sure all the bridesmaids had someone to dance with at the last dance. It never occurred to me that it was anything more than a kindness, him asking me to dance.

The dance ended and I thanked him and went back to start help with cleanup.

My friend's Mom came up and pulled me aside.

"You two make a cute couple you know," she says, a sly smile on her face.

"Oh, I'm sure we would." I replied. "It's just, that's the first time he's spoken to me in two days, so. . . "

"I wondered about that," she said, and we both shrugged and moved on.

I figured that was the end of that.

Which it sort of was.

(To be continued. . .)

Friday, 20 August 2010

Part One


So, I met someone at the wedding.

Well, honestly, I met a ton of people at the wedding and some I really really liked, but this particular someone was a guy and he's been stuck in my brain and I can't seem to shake it. Yet.

There weren't a whole lot of us single folks at the wedding (a whole other post entirely) and from what I saw there only seemed to be a few guys there without dates.

I'd already been told that one of the groomsmen was single and he was a hilarious, nice guy and we got along great. But he's not the guy I'm referring to.

Neither is the owner of the back you see in this photo. I just couldn't resist. I even told this guy "I'm taking gratuitous shots of you cooking half-naked you know" and he didn't seem to mind.

The wedding was out of town and as part of the wedding party, I travelled there a day before the ceremony. Everyone was there, both families, the wedding party and their husbands and wives. There were a few kids too and a very affectionate dog.

When I arrived, a little discombobulated from travelling and an earlier than usual start to the day, the parents' house was a full, happy place. I walked in and said hello to my friend and the other bridesmaids and met a few people I hadn't met before. Once we'd all been introduced, I went to grab myself a glass of water.

I was wandering through the house towards the kitchen when I came across this guy sitting at a computer working on something. He had longer, dark hair falling over into his eyes (I say this because this is what I noticed first) and I felt a little bit like I'd walked into an invisible wall. He looked up. "Hey," I said, keeping walking, not really trusting myself to say anything else. He said hello and went back to his work and I remember thinking to myself "Damn, I wonder whose husband he is. Lucky girl." And I went on with my day.

I didn't see much of him for the rest of that day, but did meet all of the bridesmaid's husbands and discovered that this guy didn't belong to any of them. Which didn't really matter anyway, because we didn't talk at all that night, which wasn't hard to do; there were so many people to talk to and everyone was so much fun.

I'm not really sure I thought about him much that evening, to be honest, but every once in a while, I'd see him and I couldn't figure him out.

You know how you usually can get a read on people? Like, you can tell if they're arrogant or sweet or a loudmouth or goofball or just a really great person? I couldn't get a read on this guy at all.

Was he arrogant and full of himself? I figured probably not because none of the other groomsmen were and it'd be odd if the groom had a bunch of great guy friends and this one arrogant one.

Was he shy? It didn't seem that way, he was talking with some people, probably the ones he knew best.

But, like I say, I didn't think much about it. I wrote him off as someone I'd initially been attracted to, but had lost interest in when it became clear he wasn't interested in me.

(To be continued. . .)

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

No, I'm Not Kidding

I have to go out of town again y'all. Spy stuff this time.

Not sure about internet access/time so I'll maybe not see you 'til Friday-ish.

Buuuuuuut, in other news; the weather's hot and awesome so hopefully you'll all have a great week (or couple of days anyway) and I'll catch up with youse soon!

Sending you hugs,
Victoria

Monday, 16 August 2010

Joy


There was a wedding this weekend.

And I was part of it.

It was amazing. And beautiful. And perfect. And fun. And awesome. It was epic.

It really was.

I have so so many stories in my head, so many scenes I'm replaying. Smiling at again, laughing at again, crying at again, working through again.

Some of these stories will just stay in my head and some of them may end up here. I hope some of them end up here. I know at least one will.

But being a bridesmaid was an experience I'll remember and cherish forever and I'm still trying to find the words to tell my friend how thankful I am she loved, trusted and cared for me enough to want me to be such a special part of her day.

Now that the weekend is over and my worries, concerns and duties are over and I'm home and back it's all starting to settle in and I'm still smiling over it all. All of it. Even the parts that were challenging for me at the time. And maybe that's why a wedding is such a wonderful thing; because it is a perfect example of how perfect things may not be entirely "perfect." And how the overall is what you remember, not the nitty gritty, not the rest. Just the awesome, amazing, wonderful, joyfulness of it all.

I feel like I gained another family this weekend. And like I'm part of a whole other group of extended friends and sisters by proxy.

I'm so in love with this weekend I don't even know where to begin.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Alrighty Then

I'm taking off tomorrow for a few days and I don't know if I'll have internet and/or the time to use it, so I think it's safest if I just tell you I'll be back on Monday or Tuesday and that I hope you all have a lovely rest of your week and weekend.

Be good, play nice, have fun!

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Well, No, Of Course That's Not His Name


I never told you guys about Darren, did I? (Chorus of "No!" from the peanut gallery) Ahhhh, well this is a good one my friends.

*settles in all comfy for story time*

Darren, you see, was a friend of a co-spy worker of mine. While not a spy himself, Darren was vaguely involved in the spy business (no, I can not tell you in what way and allow you to keep your memories so please don't ask) and one of my co-spy worker friends had been working with him here and there for the better part of a year.

At some point, my friend turned to me and asked if I remembered meeting Darren at a spy thing we'd all gone to. I didn't, but she said that it had just occurred to her that Darren and I would totally hit it off and that I should meet him. She told me he was a really good guy and hilarious to boot and that she always enjoyed exchanging emails with him. Also? That he had an accent. (Hello, instant cuteness bonus.)

So a couple of weeks after her declaration we decided to go out for after-spy-work drinks and she invited Darren along to join us.

My friend was right, he was hilarious and friendly and, as I said to her when he excused himself to go to the bathroom, strangely attractive. (As in, he shouldn't be as attractive as he was, he just had that certain something.) We three had a great time and when it was time to head home, we walked my friend to her car (please note at this point that the two of us had only had one drink each and a meal in-between so we were ok to drive at this point. I do not, not, not drink and drive and rarely drive after even one drink. This was an exception.) to say goodbye. As I was telling her I'd see her Monday, I could feel him there behind me. Close. Not uncomfortably or creepily or sexually close, just close. As I said to my co-spy-worker on Monday, it felt like we were already a couple, it was that comfortable. It was a good meeting and I was happily surprised by it.

Co-spy-worker friend gave me his email and I sent an email to the two of them continuing a joke we'd started on the Friday. From there, Darren and I started emailing each other. Funny, mildly flirty, but mainly hilariously funny emails. Dude was intelligent, well read, funny, kind, thoughtful and had a very nice Aussie accent. (Major bonus points.)

We chatted for a few weeks and when I had a particularly stressful spy event, he actually called me at work to check in and make sure I was ok. It was nice.

We weren't flirting, exactly, in our emails, but we kind of were, and when we ran into each other at a spy event, it was like we were old friends. Old friends who had a private joke. And who liked each other. And were flirty around each other. In a professional way. (It's hard to flirt while you're trying to track down rogue spies you know.)

At some point, I realized that there'd been flirting and we were definitely heading towards a good, fun friendship, but that he hadn't asked me any leading questions. You know, about boyfriends or the like. So I talked to my friend. Was he single? Yes. Was she sure? Well, yes. He's had plenty of opportunities to talk about a wife or girlfriend, my friend said, and he never has. There's no wedding ring, no talk of a partner, he's single. He must be.

I figured he was just biding his time, unsure how to go the next step. And he invited co-spy-worker and I to one of his sporting events (to which we, sadly, couldn't go) and I figured this was the start of him asking me out.

So imagine my surprise when I mentioned him to a friend of mine whose husband is involved in the same sport.

Darren X? she says, describing his job and accent.

That's the one, I say, do you know him?

Sure! she says, we met him and his wife a few years ago in the Australia/Canada meetup.

His wife? I say, trying not to break the smile I've pasted on my face.

Yeah, she's lovely. Not in town, but he's moving to where she is in the summer anyway.

Oh.

At which point I excuse myself and go.... what, cry? Laugh? Yell? Scratch my head?

What I did do was call my friend and tell her the news. She was, if possible, even more confused and shocked than I was.

Then I cried. And allowed myself to be disappointed and hurt and let down and confused. Quite confused. We both were, my co-spy-worker and I. I think she was even angrier than I was, she'd known him longer, had talked to him more, felt utterly lied to.

But it's not as if he did anything wrong, exactly.

He didn't ask me out. He didn't (particularly) flirt. Much. And I suppose you're not obliged to mention your spouse to someone you're working with, but still. It felt so wrong.

I didn't know what to do. Didn't feel like I could confront him, with what exactly? "Damn you for being funny and friendly when all along you had a wife!"

Sure, I felt betrayed and lied to and I was really disappointed. But there really wasn't much I could do. I figured when he sent me the next funny email I'd casually throw something in about his wife and ask him if he was looking forward to the move. Or that maybe I'd just straight up ask him why he didn't wear a ring or talk about her.

But Darren must have heard something from the mutual friend or just psychically guessed something was up because the emails stopped and neither of us have heard from him since.

Which makes it, actually, worse in some ways. Seems like an admission of guilt.

So, there you go. The very brief story of Darren.

I waited a long time to tell this one, several months, in fact. Wanted to tell it neutrally, not angrily or anything.

It was fun while it lasted. Just not so much fun when it all suddenly fell apart. Being mis-lead, intentionally or not, is not a nice feeling.

And that's the story of how I did not end up dating Darren.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Er

So, no-spendy August hasn't exactly gone perfectly so far you guys.

I mean, sure, I haven't bought any more books* (even though I was really really tempted) and the list of things I haven't bought even though I've TOTALLY wanted to and convinced myself I NEEDED them and weren't they cute/awesome/functional/fun/cool etc. is long, but still, I have spent some monies.

But I think maybe it's ok. See, I signed up to walk another 10K, and I enrolled in a photography class for Fall, so although I'm spending, I made the excuse that I had to do it now in case they filled up before I got a chance to register.

It's hard y'all. There's so much stuff out there! And it's sunny! And that makes the stuff want to come home with me! Or something.

Good thing I only have so much money in my bank account, or I swear, I'd have purchased another digital camera already. Without returning the first one. Argh!



*Updated to add: I bought books. Today. I feel bad. But they sent me a coupon! It's how they lured me in. But they're gifts for people! Except that one that's for me. I'm no good at this.

Monday, 9 August 2010

Exhausted


Really. I exhausted myself. It was the strangest thing.

I'm used to being tired, and there are times where I'll say "I'm exhausted." and will feel it and mean it. But something this weekend was different.

I've been burning the candle a bit too hard, much, both ends ish of late. I think it started with the long weekend and the extra day off to sleep in on. And the sleeping in turned into staying up late and after three days of that it was harder to fall asleep.

Add to that a book that although I'm not exactly enjoying it, I'm determined to finish if only because it means I'll be able to read something else and somehow I can read it for hours at a time drudging along and before I know it it's much much later than I'd intended but when the lights'd go out no sleep would come.

I'm used to this sometimes, too, but it's hard when I'm physically drained and tired and still, the sleep stays away, nothing seems to flip the Off switch.

So there's a few days of little, bad sleep and that takes its toll. And then there was this weirdness wherein I didn't want to eat. Wasn't hungry. And when I did make myself eat because I thought I should, I couldn't eat much more than a slice of toast or two. I went out for dinner twice. Ordered meals and left 90% of it on the table, actually shuddering with the thought of having to eat any more. Very strange.

And then there were long, good, but long walks. A few days in a row. Excellent. Exercise. Good.

But what I didn't know, and have only figured out with the 20-20 of hindsight is that no sleep + little food + no protein + exertion = exhaustion.

I've never experienced anything like it while well. And by that, I mean, that I've felt like this before, but usually during or after a bout with an illness.

See, I couldn't move. Woke up Saturday morning and made it from bed to couch. Tried to read. Decided to nap instead. (Friday night had been a not sleep night. Maybe a few hours from 4 til 7 or 8) Woke up from said nap an hour later, disoriented. Thought it was Tuesday. It wasn't. Went back to sleep.

Woke up again four hours later.

Realized it was the afternoon and I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day. Decided it would probably be a good idea to do something about this, but couldn't get over the fact of how absolutely drained I felt. So so heavy.

Couldn't figure out if I was depressed or sick or just physically exhausted.

I stumbled, literally, to the closest grocery store. (I'd thought of driving, but decided against it after managing to put my underwear on backwards, trip over my feet when trying to stand up and drop my keys three times in a row.) Bought myself one of those pre-roasted hot chickens, walked home feeling like I'd just done the most amazing thing walking all that way (all of 10 minutes) all by myself, came home, sat down to eat it and felt like I imagine a vampire must feel when finally sinking their teeth into a good vein.

I remember actually thinking "it's like I'm coming back to life" which I bet the cells in my body were.

I slept better that night too and took it easy physically on Sunday (was that only yesterday?) and am going to make sure that if I'm not hungry in the future I at least manage to eat some protein so my body has some fuel.

So, I was literally exhausted this weekend and missed out on some fun stuff. What did you get up to? And was it fun?

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Huh

Know what's weird?

I can often look at what a girl is wearing and figure out what doesn't quite work about her outfit, or what I totally love about how the outfit fits and suits her and what I would add or change or take away to make her look better or cuter or sexier but I can't do it for myself.

At all.

Seriously.

Friday, 6 August 2010

Remorse


I have buyer's remorse. I knew I would, but this time it's mixed with just general guilt over over-spending money that could be, I'm sure, better used.

When I'm making bigger purchases, or ones I think will have an impact on my life (read: car, camera, etc.) I mull them over for a while. For a long while in some cases.

It took me a couple of years to work up the nerve to buy a new car. And even once I'd made the decision to do it, it still took a while. And as amazing and awesome and lovely as my delicious new car is, I still had buyer's regret. Well, only a tiny bit, really. I just had a hard time getting used to parking it and that added to the stress of having promised to pay someone a chunk of money for the next few years. So while I may have loved my new car (and still do, oh do I ever) it still had some stressful moments in the early days.

My newest purchase is the same.

See, I did buy a new camera.

That's it in the photo up there. Or, at least, that's the part of it I have so far.

You see, I bought the camera on very little physical research. (And now that I'm going to talk about cameras I know I'll lose a bunch of you.) It was part of that whole "need to buy something awesome to take my mind off of the fact that my closest friend is moving away in X number of days" thing and although I'd been contemplating a digital SLR, the guy in the shop recommended this non-SLR but close Olympus camera and I went home, researched it online and bought it.

Sigh.

I was excited when it arrived and I knew the pictures would be better in terms of camera jargon stuff I don't understand like megapixels and sensors and stuff, but I hadn't realized that the camera didn't have the same, or anywhere near the same zooming capability that my old sweetheart of a camera had and this was a disappointment.

But, still being in my spendalot mode, I decided that instead of returning the camera and getting a different one (which might have been smart, but I also do really like the closeups this camera does and oh my goodness, HD video, hello new best friend) I'd just go ahead and buy a zoom lens.

Sigh.

So now I'm having buyer's remorse over something that hasn't even arrived yet. What if it's not enough of a zoom? What if it makes the camera too heavy to carry around with me when I walk? What if it's a good zoom, but doesn't let me do regular distance? Why don't I know more about things I'm spending tons of money on? Why didn't I just buy an SLR instead of this camera and a lens? Why did I rush into this? Should I just return it all and stick to my old camera? What if my old camera feels sad? What if I never get as good pictures? What have I done?

I'm 99% sure that this is the same "it's hard to park" stage I went through with my car and that soon enough I'll love this camera and its lenses just as much (if not more than) as I love my old camera.

I'm not a fan of buyer's remorse. Which means it's going to suck when I eventually buy a house.

Sigh.

What have you bought recently that gave you a wicked case of buyer's remorse? (Heh, I just gave myself the giggles thinking that "buyer's remorse" could apply to some of my relationships. "Oh crap, I can't believe I let myself sleep with him.")

Thursday, 5 August 2010

No, I'm Not Overthinking, Just Thinking

I heard from Coffee Date guy again.

He's been busy (I knew this) and while I know life can get hectic, it's not the first time I've heard this from this fellow.

Hi! Sorry, I haven't talked to you, I've been busy, let's catch up when I'm less busy ok?!

I guess I wonder what someone who'd do that is thinking. I mean, is it a genuine, I'm busy and haven't thought of you for weeks until now? Or is it a I'm busy and haven't really thought of you but want to keep you around just in case I don't find anything better? Or is it a I've been busy and thought of you now and then and just wanted to keep in touch?

And I wonder if it's worth my while if and when we next hang out to say "what exactly are you thinking?" Because I do have friendships that are like this; girl friends I haven't talked to in a few weeks and then will hear from them and it's not like I'm mad or jealous of them, I just know that we're friends and we see each other when we can, so why should it be any different with someone I'm not even dating (and maybe never will?)

I don't know. I just think that if he was interested in me as a potential girlfriend, he'd want to do more than contact me every once in a while to say he's busy and we'll hang out soon.

Or is this what you do when you're first starting to get to know someone?

Is this slow going, at a standstill, or what?

My gut is that he's keeping me around just in case nothing better comes along.

But what do I know?

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Something


I know I talked about it already, but the whole idea of missing out on things has been floating around in my brain still. Since. Whatever.

What's been rattling around in my brain, however, is more the idea that maybe I missed out on guys I shouldn't have.

And I know, I know, what's meant to be will be and who's meant to be in my life will be and I wouldn't be who I was without my past experiences, I know all that, but what's on my mind here is that I maybe missed out on dating, being with, maybe even marrying good guys because I convinced or told myself that they weren't something or other.

You'll maybe say it's being picky, and maybe it is, what do I know, but I think now, lately, I've been regretting the guys I didn't date because I told myself there wasn't "something" right about them, or there wasn't a something I wanted.

When I think back, there have been really genuinely nice guys I haven't dated because they already had a child and I'd, at the time, told myself I wouldn't date someone with a child. (I'm still unsure about this one, in fact, but have dated a couple of guys with kids. Just didn't get to a point where I met the kids) There were guys who didn't have a certain look to them, or maybe didn't attract me in a certain way. Guys I didn't click with instantly or guys who weren't, I don't know how to put it other than "something" enough. Something.

And is it ok to keep looking for those guys who have that "something"? Or am I just keeping other good guys at a distance because it's easier that way, less scary that way? I don't know any more.

Not that, at this point, it really matters.

But, still. Have I missed out on guys because of something that I can't even define? Am I making mistakes and losing out?

And how am I ever supposed to know?

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Learning and Knowing

Sometimes lessons sneak up on me with such stealth that I don't even know I'm learning them, occasionally forcing me to repeat things until I realize I know better. But sometimes lessons smack me in the face with their obviousness. Or maybe I smack myself with how obvious they seem, while the lesson's sitting there rolling it's eyes at me because dear lord I'm only just now getting it?

Nonetheless, there are a few things I've learned and discovered and, in a couple of cases, attempting to fix in the coming weeks.

The last week of C being here was a sad, difficult, and frustrating one. Frustrating because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but also wanted to give her space to breathe (knowing the move was stressful) and wanted to give her time with her family and other friends (knowing she'd miss them all too) so there were times when I'd sit at home waiting just in case she called.

I didn't want to go out in case I missed a phone call inviting me to do something and then wouldn't be able to go. But I was frustrated with myself for waiting for something that was only a maybe.

Equally frustrating? Waiting for a UPS delivery last week. Waiting for guys in the past who've said they'd give me a call in a couple of days and then didn't. Waiting for a guy I've been chatting with to email me back.

Waiting for possibilities. Frustrates me.

I can't exactly put a name to the lesson but it's something about how I really don't like the feeling of putting my life on hold for something that hasn't been confirmed. Something nebulous. But the problem is when it's something I'm really hoping happens and I don't want to miss it in case it does.

Perhaps the lesson is "make it happen yourself then." Or "don't sit around waiting for something that only might be real." I don't know. I just know it frustrated me and wasn't enjoyable. So it's like the lesson smacked me in the face but I don't really know what to do about it.

I already knew this one, but watching it happen was interesting. Maybe because I was, for once, really able to see it in action.

I already know that I tend to eat badly when I'm upset, but the long-term sadness around C's leaving and a few other things allowed me to handle the eating pretty well.

What I was surprised by though was the buying of things I did. Sure, I'd been looking at and considering a new camera, but somehow buying it JUST as C was leaving made things feel better for an instant. Like, 'ooooh, something shiny and new and pretty and that'll make me happy!" when I knew better.

And it's not that I went crazy and bought things I didn't need. But I've got a drawer so full of new books I can't even close it. And I'm waiting on a delivery of more. I bought a giant bottle of expensive shampoo because someone told me the name of it and their hair smelled nice. I have a new mouse pad I got for work that's hilarious and (I realize now) inappropriate for work. I stopped myself from buying a Wii fit only because I'm pretty confident in my fitness routine already and didn't think I'd use it. I got some new bras that were needed, but not really (and who needs five new bras thank you very much.) So there was this sense of well, I need stuff and it'll be good to have it and I deserve a treat and it's only money and (very quietly whispered to myself sometimes) C is gone and so I'm going to buy stuff." It was weird.

Weird because I could see it happening and because I wasn't worried about it because, well, I just wasn't.

So here's where August comes in and conveniently starts itself just as these lessons and realizations and understandings have crept into my consciousness.

August is now, in my mind, known as the no-spendy-no-eat-badly, but especially the no-spendy month.

I don't need any new books. Like, ever. (Or at least for a very very long time.) And I don't need any new clothes. (And I'll have to remind myself of this one I'm sure.) I don't need any new gadgets or gizmos or cool things. And did I mention the books and new camera gear I don't need? Yeah. I don't.

So while I've been crying less in the week (oh crap has it only been a week?) since C left, I've also realized I have to stop doing all these other things too. Now it's the moving on and filling up the space with things that are good. Good people, good hobbies, good whatever. Just not the not stuff.

I'm totally aware, by the way, that this is one of those posts that doesn't make sense and rambles and well, you'll just have to forgive me for that. Blame it on the spending. Yesterday was the last of it for a while. Now I just have to wait for all those darn deliveries.

Sigh.

Monday, 2 August 2010

To Holiday Mondays


Ahhhh holiday Mondays, I love you so.

And, if I can be totally honest with you holiday Mondays? I love you even more than holiday Fridays. (But don't tell them I said so.)

You see, with you, holiday Mondays, there's this giddy realization at some point on the Sunday that tomorrow is not, in fact, a work day. The weekend gets magically extended. Whereas with holiday Fridays, a Sunday is still the day before going back to work so somehow the holiday feels shorter.

And when you go back to work after a holiday Monday, there are only four more days until it's a weekend all over again so it somehow feels like getting another weekend as a bonus. And, yes, I know holiday Fridays give you short weeks too, but you still have to get through a week to get to them. Plus, I like Thursdays anyway so a Thursday becoming a Friday isn't as awesome as a Monday becoming an extra Sunday PLUS an almost Tuesday wrapped into one.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll take holidays when and were I can get them, the more the merrier I say hurrah and huzzah and all that, but I must say, you're especially in my good books today holiday Mondays. I intend to enjoy you.

Yours happily and relaxingly,
Victoria

P.S. See you in September!
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