Reflecting

Jay and I have had a rough week.

It's all still a bit of a jumble in my head where it all went weird, but it had to do with his future and his uncertainty about parts of it and me and my anxiety and insecurity making me feel like he was leaving before we'd even met.

And I think I probably didn't handle how I was feeling very well, I mean, not terribly, but not particularly well either, and we're both tired (staying up late, getting up early to talk to each other) and so we sort of sorted through that problem but then something else came up and I, now looking back, overreacted and didn't pause to take a breath.

So there was a particularly bad day or two this weekend and just as I was about to offer to give Jay some space, some time to just be, he asked if he could have a few days to just sort through his thoughts.

Of course, I was upset, and in that moment, I realized how reactionary I can be.

I wanted to delete all his emails, and to go out and find a new person to date, or maybe even call up Vince and tell him to come over and have his way with me, but I didn't do any of those things.

I just took a breath and did something else.

And then I told a couple of friends I was having a rough go of it, and then I distracted myself with some funny television, and then I went to the gym.

And at some point, I realized that I was actually relieved to have the space to breathe.  To just have a day where I wasn't waiting for an email alert or for a chat window to pop up.  To not think about what I wanted to say in an email.  To just have a bit of time to myself.

Now, of course, there's a part of me that wants to turn this into a catastrophe.  To figure out how this is proof things will never work out and that I will always be single and alone and lonely.

But, oddly enough, there's more of me that's just calm.

Calm and accepting that if this relationship is going to be long term, we'll have to figure out how to breathe.  When to ask for space.  How to fight, and come out the other end.

For me, I've never trusted that someone could be frustrated or unhappy with me and still want to be with me, or still like, or love me.  But right now, there's just a sense of calmness that I've never had before.

If things don't work out, if this is all it takes for things to fall apart, then I suppose it really wasn't meant to be.  And while that will suck, I will be ok.  In the end.

But more than that, I have a weird feeling of things still being ok with us.  I can't explain it, and that's not to say I haven't had moments of fear and anxiety and worry and stress and panic and it doesn't mean I didn't spend most of Saturday night and half of Sunday morning wanting to throw up.

Maybe it also means that I realize I can't change anything and so I'm just letting it be.

Which, holy bleep, where did that maturity come from, eh?

I know I've grown over the last year or two, it's just that it feels really amazing to feel less crazy about things.

So, yeah.  Jay and I have had a rough last week or so, and are currently just having time with ourselves.

And it's been good for me to remember there is more to life than "us" and him and him and me and all the fear around the unknown future.

Jay has said these last couple of weeks, that it's "not all roses" and I guess that's true of all relationships. (Except perhaps the ones that Hollywood shows us, but then again, they usually have a bump or too as well, no?)

Of course, I'm writing this in a "good" moment, a calm moment, a moment where I'm just accepting of how things are and my lack of ability to control it.

Will keep distracting myself when the bad thoughts come, and will hope for... well, I don't know actually.  Good things, of course.

Peace, joy, love and happiness again.

Knitting, Part Two

Now, that's not to say that my learning to knit process has been seamless (pun not intended as seams are generally more sewing-ish but still.)  I've had some... er.. moments of argh, for sure.

Other than the face cloth that I made that is full of holes, I also am still unable to really fix the mistakes I make.  So other than stopping working on the project, packing it up and driving over to Mom and Dad's, I have, perhaps more than once, un-done a few row's worth of work because I can't figure out what seems totally easy for my Mom (and other experienced knitters) to fix.

I have also accidentally sat on my work, thereby pulling the needle completely out of the row.  I have managed to knit the tail end of the wool INTO the work (it's... really not supposed to be knitted in, ahem) and I have cried tears of frustration at casting off (ending a piece.)

I also seem to have still a little bit of trouble starting a piece, and haven't remembered to write down the needle sizes I used on certain pieces which leads to me ball park guessing how many thingamies to cast on for a facecloth and then getting annoyed when the second row ends up being four hundred times longer than the cast on row.

And, yes, I know that that all was maybe garbldygook to anyone who's never knitted before, but that's another funny thing I discovered.  Knitters... come out of the woodwork.

For example, I brought in a piece to work, to give to someone, and all of a sudden found out that there are five, ten other people at work who knit!  It's like a secret, awesome club!

Or, when I was on the ferry over the holidays and brought a scarf (because yes, I'm still just working on the simplest of things!) out to work on and a nice lady turned around to ask me what I was working on and showed me the lovely scarf she was working on too.

It's cool.

I mean, not that it makes me perfect or anything.  I did accidentally steal something from the wool shop.

*gulp*

See, I went in to match some embroidery thread I needed to finish a cross stitch I'd started maybe a decade ago and just recently fished out again, in my "oooh I forgot it's fun to make stuff" phase.

So I brought the piece to match the thread and then grabbed a couple of similar colours to compare.  When I found the one I wanted, I put away my piece and purchased the thread, along with some awesome wool.

I nearly died when I got home and saw that I'd accidentally slipped one of the other threads into my bag when I put my piece away.  OH NO!

So instead of marching back and handing it over to them, I marched back to the store, slunk around and casually put it back.  I was so scared they'd think I'd stolen it on purpose and didn't want to explain to them that I'd only accidentally stolen it and was now returning it I'm SO SORRY! so I secretly returned the thing they probably never knew was missing in the first place.

And I still feel guilty about it!

But yeah, I've had a few glitches, and I still make a mistake every time I make something, but there seems to be a general philosophy with those who knit, or at least those I know who knit.  And that is that life is imperfect, and when you make something, it should also have an imperfection in it, to show it reflects the reality of life.

My Mom told me that she heard that Persian rug makers purposely make a flaw in each of their rugs just for this reason.

I don't purposely make them, but I do let one mistake go when I do make it, and tell myself it's just like life.  Flawed but still good.

Traditions Passed

Something I keep meaning to tell you about, is the fact that this summer, when we were waiting for Dad's surgery, and we three spent a lot of time together trying not to worry, I asked my Mom to re-teach me something she'd taught me as a child, but that I hadn't taken to at the time.

I asked her if she'd re-teach me to knit.

I grew up with Mom always knitting something, and had really cool sweaters (yes, they were cool!) and things and even as I got older, she, for example, knitted me a Harry Potter scarf, just like theirs (!) when the first movie came out, and knitted me a little outfit for my teddy bear when his stomach started wearing away (and the outfit matches my comforter, how adorable is that don't you just want to hug my Mom?!)

I think when she first taught me I just didn't see the point.  Or maybe it felt too complicated.  But this time round, I wanted a distraction, and I also wanted to carry on her knowledge and ability, one that I know she learned from her mother and Aunts, and one that I wanted to at least try, even if I wasn't all that good.

So Mom patiently taught me how to do the simplest of stitches and, again, patiently put up with me when I'd get all flustered when I would make a mistake.  And after the first few days of making a bit of a muddle of things, I started to find my way, and got totally hooked.

One of our local department stores was closing and selling of... everything, and so I went in and bought some cheap wool.  And I started making things!

Well, really, I started making square things.  Or rectangular things.  Facecloths at first.  (I called the first one the "holey facecloth" because it had quite a number of "whoopsies" and holes in it.

I made my first actually decent piece for my Dad, a facecloth for him to use to clean his wound after his surgery, and it was nice to see a ball of nothing, turn into an actual something, and then to be able to give it to him to use.

It was really a cool feeling.

So then I went to one of the fancier wool shops downtown and bought some lovely, soft wool (I know it's probably not wool, but I just call it that anyway) and made a simple scarf for my girlfriend who was having a baby.

And again, the feeling of having turned a pile of string into an actual thing that then someone could use and see and feel and appreciate?  Was pretty awesome.

I've always been a creative person.  But no one can wear your drawing, or your dance piece, or your monologue.  So to be able to make something physical and useful is really really nice.

And fun.

The third thing I made was a super cozy and pretty cowl neck scarf for me!  And every time I wear it, I think "man, I MADE this!" and "I'm so warm!"  It's awesome.

I'm really happy I asked.

I learned how to knit, y'all!

Shhhhhh

I feel like I should say this very quietly, in almost a whisper, because I generally try to stay away from news/politics or in this case, a media feeding frenzy.

But I feel like I can't quite talk about Jay right now until this whole obsession with the guy who was duped into believing in a fake girlfriend he'd never met blows over.

I've already been teased by friends about not having met Jay and while I guess it's funny to tease me somehow,  I actually just feel bad for the guy, and that the people who did it are mean.

So I won't go into it any further, but just... also won't talk about the guy I haven't met yet, either.  Don't feel like fielding any more jokes at my expense.  Or his, for that matter.

So, let's just pretend I never wrote this post, shall we?

Moving along, nothing to see here.

Sigh

So, do you remember this?

Well, maybe you don't remember it because I didn't actually post about it but just thought I posted about it?

But, anyway, it's a photo I took in mid-October because the store I was in had both Halloween cards AND Christmas cards and it sent me on a rant.

So, when I was in another store yesterday, and saw the Valentine's things out, I was like "ok, I'll allow it, it's a month away" but then when I turned around and saw that across from the Valentine's things they had put out Easter things?

I just had to hang my head, sigh like Charlie Brown and walk away.

Can't stop commercialism, can't stop consumerism. 

Suppose I'll just have to eat the Cadbury's Creme eggs to make myself feel better.

Except they'll just, somehow, make me feel worse.

*GASP!*

I know.

Crazy, right?

Sigh.

It's only January, Mr Easter Bunny.  Gimme a break would ya?

Um

I don't know what I thought when I was younger, but now that I'm not entirely young anymore, I think I know what sucks most about getting older... about aging.

It's the physical stuff.

I don't know why this wasn't more obvious to me, and I bet most people are looking at me with one eyebrow raised right now in that "are you serious?" kind of way, but I don't know.  I just kind of, somehow didn't think about it.

It's like going out for a couple of drinks and then waking up the next morning super sleepy and exhausted like you stayed up til four in the morning when really it wasn't even midnight and didn't you used to be able to drink a gallon of whatever and bounce back the next day?

But not even that, it's the "I injured my toe and it's still hurting months later" rather than "Yeah, so I injured my toe and now a week later I'm all good."

What's the deal with that?

I feel kind of like no one warned me.  Like, shouldn't someone have told the 17 year old me that a) your body is frigging rocking right now, hot stuff and b) please indulge in the fact that nothing hurts or aches or takes for frigging ever to heal/get better.

I can't even get a cut now without it taking way longer to heal.

I guess I just have to get used to this.

Just please someone tell me it doesn't just keep getting worse?

Please?

Wha?

Over the holidays, my brain had a moment of confusion that was more than my usual "why did I walk into this room again?" kind of deal.

See, Vince (who, no, I haven't heard from since the last night he came over, ahem, was I right or was I right, I called him on his sh*it...) as it turns out, still wears the same cologne he did when we were together four hundred and thirty years ago. 

(Ok, it just feels like that but still)

And it's a nice smell, and I'm not really someone who likes cologne but Vince has always smelled good and still does, which you know, smell is an extremely powerful sense and it brings back memories, unbidden.

Which is why it was so awkward to give my brother a hug when we went to go see them over Christmas and to have him smell the same as Vince!

My brain didn't know what to do with it.  No!  Brother!  Vince!  Confused!  Circuit overload!  Beep beep beep, explode!

My poor brain, can't keep up with unexpected surprises.

Sad

I'm feeling a little blue.

After just losing one of my "second fathers" to cancer, another one of my best friend's Dads has been diagnosed with a very late stage, aggressive cancer.

We're waiting to find out the prognosis, but I'm already exhausted, and drained.

I've responded pretty well in terms of being positive and wanting to be there for my friend and, well, honestly, our family, but I haven't responded very well in terms of the pile of junk food I've consumed in the last few days.

Which maybe isn't helping me feel any better.

But, I'm blue.  Suppose I'm writing this in a down moment, but still.

I wish this wasn't happening.  Sometimes life feels super yucky.

Deep Breath

I know for some people, what's happening with Jay and I, or even just with me, really, is unsettling, or not... understandable.

And I completely get that.  Were I on the outside, looking in on this, I wouldn't understand or trust, or even believe in what was going on.

Perhaps in a similar way, I've had a hard time trusting two of my good friends who have recently gone through separations and divorces, and got into new relationships.  From the outside, it felt, to me, that they were moving too quickly, not protecting themselves from further hurt.  And it was hard to celebrate with them when I just wanted to make sure they were going to be ok in the long run.

But that's also what friendship is about, no?  Being there for them if they aren't ok in the long run.  And being happy for them if and when they are.

In terms of the situation I am currently in, well, to paraphrase Jay's own words, here... we are both very aware of the risks and have talked about them and have chosen to try to reduce them.  To bear them in mind, be, aware of them.  We have also agreed to get to know each other once we meet.   Which I think is key.

What we have right in this moment may not translate into person when we meet.  And we're both ok with that.  We have committed to being willing to start again, completely from scratch when we do meet, to start to get to know each other, as two people just meeting for the first time and to see where things go from there.

And knowing that we can't control that, can't control how things will go when we do meet, we've both chosen to be happy in the moment.  To enjoy the relationship we have with each other right now, right here and now, for what it is in this moment.  To not spend our time thinking about the future, well, really, to not waste our time thinking about the future.

What we have right now is really really cool.  And it makes both of us happy, and there's no harm in that.  As for the rest?  We know.  We're aware. And we'll figure it out.

I think, honestly, that the concerns some people have are legitimate, and expected, and neither of us is ignoring them, and I would probably have the same concerns if someone else were to find themselves in a situation similar to this one.  I mean, I still have concerns that one of my friends' new girlfriend is talking about moving from her hometown to be with him and he's not yet legally divorced.  When you care about someone, it's hard not to have concerns for their feelings.

But Jay and I are... I think, going to be ok, even if things don't go the way we would both (or maybe all of us) like it to go.  In the future.

The same future that isn't quite here yet.

Well Then

If I've learned anything from watching a television drama about a fake biker gang, it's that you really shouldn't fall in love with someone if a) you are in a fake biker gang or b) they are in a fake biker gang.

The same could go for real biker gangs for all I know, but I'm not going to find out because tv has taught me better.

Oh, and?  If you watch three seasons of a tv show in as many weeks, you will start to wonder why so many things go wrong for these people and why they don't just have a good day now and then.

The more you know!  (Rainbow Star)

Thank You, Mr. Mali

How Falling in Love is like Owning a Dog
by Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Somethimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block
and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions
at once, or wind itself around and around you
until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Taylor Mali

Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.







Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.

Outta Left Field, Is Where

One of the (numerous) things I appreciate, and admire about Jay is his openness and honesty.

I don't ever wonder what Jay's thinking because he tells me.  And if I do wonder?  I just ask.  And then he tells me.

And he's open about how he's feeling, whether it's "man, I'm having a rough day at work here" or it's "you know what, I really like you" he tells me.

And it feels really nice.

It feels really nice to hear what he's thinking and feeling and, I'll blush when I type this, it's really nice to hear how he's feeling about me.

And I believe him.

It's the strangest thing.  Or maybe it's not.  But the more I talk with him and get to know him, the more I like myself.  It's like, hey, I really think this guy is cool and interesting and kind and caring, and he likes me.  And if he likes me?  There must be things about me to like.

Which is funny, and maybe a little sad, because I feel like I used to know that about myself.  And it's not that I *didn't*, it's just that it's easier to see it through someone else's eyes.

There's an amazing joy in thinking, or maybe being reminded that I have a lot to offer.  Not just to my job and my friends and my family, but to a significant person.

I think I forgot that over the years.  Not just over the years of being single, but over the years of being in less than stellar, supportive relationships.

Because if Jay is anything, it's supportive.

This man is accepting of my flaws.. the one's he's met via this process anyway (hello, I'm insecure and worry a lot, and I haven't hidden it from him) and that leads me to start believing that he will be accepting of any other flaws that may show up when he meets me in person (of course I'm mostly believing those will be flaws of physical appearance, but that's my issue to work through, not his.)

And so because we've always been open and honest with each other, when I say to him, hey, I feel like maybe what I'm about to say will scare you away (insecurity and anxiety gang up on me a lot, the bastards) he listens and then says, hey, no problem, I'm not scared away, I'm still here.

And it makes me feel like fainting and crying and jumping for joy all at once.

So because I've forbidden myself from having more than fleeting moments of "what if", I just stay in the moment of what we have now.  And what we have now is a really good, solid, healthy relationship that's been built on honesty, openness and trust.

Like, wow.

Where did this guy come from, right?

Yes, Operator?

Yes, over the phone.

Jay had asked if I wanted to video chat, but I didn't.  Didn't feel quite ready for the unflatteringness that is video chat.

(Seriously, I have met no friend of mine yet who does not agree, SO unflattering!)

But I said that I thought I would be ok with talking on the phone.

(Even though, if I haven't mentioned it before, I hate talking to people I don't know well on the phone.  I think it comes from talking to relatives I'd never met over Christmas as a kid.  Bad line connection, nothing to say, feeling shy and awkward.  I still don't like the first few phone calls with new friends or acquaintances.)

So one morning, I think it was a weekend morning, after a particularly difficult and intense conversation the night before, he asked if he could phone, and I said yes.

And my phone rang, I picked it up, and he didn't sound how I expected.

Well, of COURSE he didn't, I tell myself now, but at the time it threw my brain right off.  Uh... this... is a stranger... I don't... know how to talk.  What... am I supposed to say... um.. hi.. So... Uh.

Shit  (But I didn't say that one out loud)

I felt really awkward and uncomfortable for the first few minutes and of course I thought, well, this was nice while it lasted, but now it's done, and I'm out, this is just... so awkward.

But then he found an old email I'd sent him, asking random questions, and he talked me through the details of his answers.  "No, I've never actually sleepwalked, I don't think, but I do have a friend who, etc., etc." and before I knew it I was laughing away and we were just talking.

And I think we probably talked for two hours, or close to it, before he pointed out that my morning is his very late at night and he should probably get some sleep.

And we've talked a few more times since, and it's actually to the point where I can honestly say I sometimes miss his voice. 

It's funny, though, because when I mention to people that we've talked on the phone, they all say the same thing.  "Phone sex?!!"

Which, no!  But it makes me laugh every time, because everyone seems to want to ask, and I don't know why they assume that that'd be the only reason we'd talk on the phone.

We just talk on the phone to talk.

Like when he called me on New Years, just to wish me a good New Year.

And, yes.  I'm smiling as I type that.

Closer

And I knew we were getting closer and closer because we talked about it.

"I really like talking to you, Victoria."

"I really like talking to you too, Jay."

And I started signing off my emails with "hugs", a sign off usually reserved for my friends.

And he started signing off with "Jay xoxo."

I'm not the same person I was the last time I started a relationship.  And I'm sure as heck not the same person I was when I started the relationship before that.

And so while I was tentative in sharing how I felt with Jay, I also didn't see the big risk.  If he scared off when I said something about how much I enjoyed his emails, then, at two weeks in, it wasn't a big loss.

I think, when I realized, as I said to C-Dawg, that I was falling in like with him, I just turned around and told him I'd said as much to her.

Because it just felt like the thing to do.  To just be open, and honest and upfront with this guy, as he'd been open and honest and upfront with me.

I can't remember what exactly he said to that, maybe he just smiled, emoticon style or something, but I also mentioned, that for whatever it was worth, I was hiding my online profile because I didn't want to talk to anyone else.

And do you know what Jay and I did when I mentioned that?

We talked about it.

Which we've done about everything since the start.

My guess would have been that he would have been like "woah, slow down there mama!" but instead he said "well, are we then committing to getting to know each other and not anyone else?" which... as you can imagine, made me feel all girly and giggly and smile the most beaming smile ever.

I felt shy.

"Yes.  I'd like that, I think.  I mean, yes.  I would.  I'm blushing."

And, oh.  I suppose I should mention that we "talked about it" over the phone.

Unblocking My Brain

So, where do I start, with regards to Jay?

I suppose, I start where I left off, which was sort of somewhere in the middle.

Jay and I started messaging on the online site, he went away.  He came back.  We weren't able to meet.  He told me he had to go away again, and gave me his email.  I decided to email.  We started emailing back and forth.  And then more.  And more.  And I really liked getting to know him.

And he liked getting to know me.

A few weeks into our emails becoming more than just small talk, which, really, I have to say, they sort of did right away (I should remember to try to explain that some time) I felt like I was really starting to like this guy.  And I told C-Dawg as much.

And then I think I sort of skipped ahead in telling you about things, and mentioned that I'd freaked out and Vince had sorted me out with some good advice.  Yes?

Right.

So let's see. . .

One of the things that has just ... worked, for Jay and I, is that I felt comfortable with him from the get go.  I think it partly has to do with the fact that he works for a trustworthy company/organization and never kept anything from me.  The email he gave me, in case I "wanted to send [him] an email" was his full name.  Which I thought was pretty trusting, especially as we hadn't met in person yet.  I'm usually comfortable enough sharing my cell number (I have a home phone too, so my cell's more of a texting machine) but generally don't share my main email account.

But he gave me his email and so I typed his name into google.

Now, in telling this story I've had some people look at me aghast.  You did what? 

Um... I looked him up on google... doesn't everyone do that?

Apparently happily married women have no need to google strangers but, whatever, I always do.

(Oh, and a side story... because I can.  When I told this story to some people and they were like you googled him!? Another girl spoke up and mentioned that a friend of hers had met a guy online and had really liked him and then he took off.  She said after he took off her friend typed his name into google and found out he had been arrested for sexual assault.  So.. yeah... that's why you google.  You see what comes up.)

And when I did that, there were no red flags.  Nothing that made question that he was anything other than a good guy.  Which, to be honest, I expected.

His profile had been pretty simple and straightforward, talked about who he was, and what he was looking for.  It also mentioned, in passing, his political leanings, and, well, they jibed with mine.

So I appreciated that he was being open with his life by giving me his email, so I decided to email him from my main email account as well.

And from there, I would read his emails and find what he had to say interesting, if a bit formal, and so I enjoyed the conversations.

I think because there was nothing to lose and because it just felt right, I didn't feel the need to be anything other than open and honest, and so I told him about the group where Bird and I met, and I thought it might be something he'd be interested in.  Turns out he was, and I was relieved he hadn't been turned off by it, and I guess I felt safe and comfortable from then, just being myself.

From right at the start, when I decided to just, oh, what the heck, email this guy.  And then decided to, oh what the heck just tell him honestly, about my life, I just followed my gut.

I don't know why, but it just felt like the right thing to do, so I did it.

And so we started getting closer and closer.

Ellipsis

So, Jay.

I... do not know how to talk about Jay.

It's the strangest thing, because he is constantly in my thoughts, but when I go to try to explain it to anyone, I can't find the words.

Jay understands, I know this much, but I only wish I could share what we have with others.

Maybe I'm afraid to because there are still things uncertain until we meet.  And maybe I don't want to tell everyone just how it is I'm feeling we're feeling because there is still the chance that it won't work out when we do meet.

And maybe I'll feel a little less silly if it doesn't work out and I haven't told everyone how amazing it is right now.

But, just so you know.  It is.  Really amazing.

So maybe I just need time to figure out how to translate that to here.

Maybe I don't have to tell *everyone* right now... but I would like to share it with you.

That's what I'm going to try to do anyway, even if just a little bit here and there.

Ok?

Ok, Nevermind

It's like this blog is magic or something...

After yesterday's post, I had to chuckle when Vince texted me last night to come over.

I was a little nervous, and wasn't sure how to bring up the topic, but did, eventually manage, and it cleared the air for me a great deal.

No, he's not snooping around for anything.  We already covered that, and I didn't think he was, just other people had put that thought into my head.

Yes, in an ideal situation he would be comfortable telling his wife who he was hanging out with and when, but apparently that doesn't really happen and so he hangs out with friends, male and female, for coffee or whatnot without checking in with her. 

And I suppose that's their business.

He says he guesses that his wife would be mad if she found out we're hanging out but for him he's not doing anything wrong, and if he were doing anything wrong, he wouldn't do it.  If that makes sense.  (It made sense when he said it, I'm just misremembering it.)  (Heh, I originally typed that as "misremembering it wrong" but then figured that was a double negative that would mean I was remembering it perfectly!)

So, no, Vince is not coming over in the evenings looking to start the affair we both said we weren't going to have. 

Like I said to him, it's like hanging out with an old friend.  And for me, it is just that.  An old friend that I don't even change out of pjs to see, or even put on makeup or nothing.  He's already seen me naked, so it's not like I have to impress him.

After that slightly awkward part of the conversation was over, I talked to him a bit about Jay and then he had to go.

Which was fine, and leaves me wondering if I will hear from him again or if he now feels there's no need to come by.

If I'm right, and it's just been friendly and platonic, I'll hear from him some point next week.

If my friend was right, and he's been fishing for something "extra", I won't hear from him for a while.

Guess we'll have to see.

But I'm expecting a "hey, are you busy, can I stop by?" text by the middle of next week.  I don't think he's got a cheating bone in his body.

(Please do not insert bad joke here, thank you.)

Unsettled

I don't know what to do about Vince, if anything.

He texts me about once a week, in the evenings, to see if I'd like some company for a bit.  And he'll come over, we'll chat about whatever, and an hour or so later he'll leave, go back to work.

As I understand it, he works late in his office, once his family time is done, so that he has some quiet.  And then since his office is near my place, and he feels like a break, he stops by.

Isn't really a big deal right?

I mean, there's no sexual tension anymore, well, at least not on my end, and other than a hug and a kiss goodbye when he leaves, there's no contact, not even any sitting on the same couch.  Just two friends having a chat.

Except, are we friends?

Well, sure.  We used to love each other, I still care about him as a person, and it would seem he still cares about me, and so that's part of friendship, no?

And we're both in relationships, even if mine isn't traditional (yet) and his isn't peaches and cream.  But maybe that's what disturbs me.  The relationships we're both in.

See, I've told Jay about Vince.  And that we chat, hang out from time to time.  But Vince hasn't told his wife.  And that doesn't sit well with me.

Even though it's all "above board" (to use his words) I still think it's less than honest to disappear for an hour or two and to be somewhere other than where your partner thinks you are (at work), especially if you're visiting someone who used to be more than a friend, and maybe especially if that person, just recently told you you were really good in bed.

But I feel like I don't want to bring it up every time he wants to hang out.  Hey, told your wife we chill?

But I feel like I almost have to.  I don't know.

When he's here, it feels utterly platonic.  Really.  Like a brother.

But lately, after his last visit, where I wondered, as I went in for a peck goodbye, and am not completely sure that's what his lips were expecting, I'm not sure I want him to come by again.

Maybe if we'd never given a goodbye kiss, maybe it wouldn't be on my mind.  But the last couple of times he's texted, I've avoided saying he could come over.  Have told him I was just heading to bed, or whatnot, when really, I was just not feeling like seeing him.  Or, more likely, was waiting for Jay to have a break in his day where we could chat.

So I don't know what to do.  Do I let him know next time he texts that I don't want his company?  Do I have him come over and tell him face to face what I'm thinking?  Do I just not do anything and play it by ear?

So far, it's depended who I've asked.  I have some friends who are like, you know what?  It's no big deal, whatever, you guys talk, who cares.  And some who are like, yeah, no that's not cool.  And yet another who told me, just the other day that this is how men start an affair, they find something else they can move on to and then move on, and leave.

And dudes.  I do not want a relationship with Vince.  Even if Jay weren't in the picture, I wouldn't.  But especially with Jay in the picture I don't.

And I don't want to assume that that's what Vince is wanting or doing, but I also really have no idea why he's coming over.

And I don't know how to ask.

Other than, dude, seriously, why are you always coming over?

There's an amused part of me that just wants to stall him for another few months, until Jay gets back into town and then get a text and say, sure, come on by!  At which point, I'll just be hanging on the couch with Jay, all, oh hey Vince, come on in, we were just about to play Monopoly!  Or something equally "see, this is not just a secret anymore."

I don't know.  It's just not feeling 100% kosher.  Because I don't know quite where he's coming from.

I guess I'll just find a way to ask, if I ever do let him over again.

Sam Crow

I took a few extra days off over the holidays, and I'm really glad I did.  I got to relax and just do nothing, and I needed that.

Now, nothing is a relative term as VISA and my savings account will tell you (HELLO NEW LAPTOP YOU ARE SO SO PRETTY!) and one of the things I did while I was "doing nothing", was try a couple of shows people had recommended to me.

One of them was Boardwalk Empire, which I like, and the other was Sons of Anarchy.

Now, let me just be really honest with you guys here, because what's the point of having this blog if I'm not totally honest, right?

Right.  So here's the truth of it.

I don't watch Sons of Anarchy for the plot, or the show, or even because I'm particularly paying attention or invested in the characters.

I watch Sons of Anarchy for Jax Teller.

Like, seriously, omg really, just for him.  Not for the actor, I'm sure I've seen him in this, that or the other before, I'm just watching for the character.

He is so deliciously good and bad and has the wickedest little bad boy smile that would make me stop what I'm doing, strip off my pants, just to throw my panties at him.  No questions asked.

He is delightful and delicious and the only reason I am watching the show.

Sure, there are two other characters I think are quite nice, but I'm not even sure what their names are, and I think there's bad stuff happening with some rival motorcycle gangs or whatever, and oh, yeah, Hellboy's in charge (seriously, I can only see him as Hellboy) which always makes me wonder why he's not red, but seriously.  Jackson Teller.  Worth watching an entire tv show for.

I mean, if you're into that whole bad boy thing.

Whoooo mama.

*fans self*

Perfect

This made me cry for oh so many reasons.



Heart - Stairway to Heaven Led Zeppelin - Kennedy Center Honors 

Now I need a hug.

Yay!

The days are starting to get longer again.  I can feel it and I (like to think I) can see it, and man oh man, I'm so happy about that.

Phew.

One of the Three Wise Men

Yes, Vince.

He's been by a few times since we reconnected, and a few times still since we had the "let's not have sex" talk.

And the fact that he's been by a few times since that is another story, but for now I have to share with you the unexpectedly great advice he gave me.

See, Jay and I had just had a big conversation, something about how when we met, what if we didn't click in this way or that, and the conversation had really thrown me.

I was suddenly reminded that I was investing myself in something that had a shot of not working out because we have not met yet, and might meet and... not like each other.  And I was really choked.

And freaked out.

And Vince wanted to come by and I figured even if I wasn't in the best mood, it would be better to have some company to distract me rather than sitting and stewing by myself.

So he came by and we chatted about Christmas and family and work and life.  And then I asked him if I could use him as a sounding board.

Jay had been really good, we'd emailed back and forth about how I was feeling and he'd been great.  (He is great...) but the panic had set in and I had pushed him away (ironic that you can still do that via email... ok, I'm going to go here, bye) and was freaking out all on my own.  So I wanted to hear what Vince had to say, and if he thought my fears were sensible or... what.

I told him how I really liked this guy and felt like we had a lot of potential but that I was really freaking out about the fact that when we meet, we might not hit it off.  That he might not like X, Y, or Z about me, or I about him.  And that I didn't know what to do but my instincts were telling me to just get the eff out of there right now and save myself from the potential future hurt.

And Vince listened.... I'd worried that he would be judgmental about it all, but he wasn't, and when I was done he said "Victoria?  Why are you so worried about the future?  What's the point in thinking about what if?"

And I tried to argue the reasons for saving yourself from future hurt, but he just kept making sense.

"Why not just focus on what you have right here right now.  Sure, maybe things will not be great at some point in the future, but life's like that, it has good and bad, and why spend time and energy focussed on something in the future that may or may not even ever happen, when you have things happening right now that you can think about and enjoy."

"Just be in the moment, and stop thinking about 'what if'"

"But..." I tried to argue, "thinking about the what if can be fun?  Like, what if it goes really well?"

"Just stop thinking about it."

"But, if you cover the possible what if's of what could go wrong, you save yourself the future hurt, no?"

"No.  You just spend time and energy thinking about something that's not now.  Seriously.  Cut it out.  Stop all the what if.  Just.  Stop it.  Seriously."

"When did you get to be so wise?"

And maybe he was that wise when we were together, and I just didn't notice, or maybe he's matured over the years, or maybe a combination of the two, but you guys?  When I woke up the next morning (post mindfulness exercises of course, which also are all about the here and now and no what if's) I felt completely different.

It was night and day, the feeling of just being present in today, versus the feeling of being all wrapped up in the possibilities of the "what if" of the future.

180 degrees different.  And it feels so much better.  So, so much better.

So I emailed Jay.  "We can't talk about what if anymore.  It's making me crazy, and it's not helping, and it's not good.  We can't talk about it anymore.  Ok?"

So we remind ourselves and each other not to.  And we just focus on what we have right now.  Which is a really unique, interesting, positive, uplifting, awesome, fun relationship despite the fact that we haven't met in person.  (Yet.)

I would never have expected such wise, helpful advice to come from Vince, but maybe I've dated better men than I remember.

And I'm so grateful that he was able to get that thought into my somewhat thick noggin.

Just living in today in my relationship with Jay has been the most amazing thing.

It takes effort sometimes, sure, but it's so worth it.

And I think it's a massive life lesson and reminder for me too.  Stop thinking about all the "what if's" Victoria.  They're not here.  Good or bad.  All that's here is the now.  So think about that, screw the "what if's".

Deal with what is or isn't when it's here.  Not before.  Because that's silly.  And useless.  And tiring.  And not fun.

And fun is way better.

Be Here Now

One of the things I started to work on this summer when we were waiting for Dad's second surgery, was, something my counsellor/psychologist recommended.  A book, and a CD of exercises that centered around the idea of being in the moment, being "mindful."

Now I've rarely finished a self-help book although over the years I've started many of them. (Like, many.)  But the one he had me read, I read through fairly quickly, and really got what was being said, and why.  So I decided to stick on the CD and do one of the exercises.  And while I'd imagined it would be like the meditation CDs I've tried "take a deep breath, imagine yourself at the side of the ocean" (and then I'd fall asleep mid way through them and wake up when the tape {yes tape!} clicked to a stop) it wasn't.

It was more about focussing on something other than the thoughts that continually race through your brain/mind (well, through mine at least, in a really really annoying way) and for me?  It really really worked.  I noticed after doing it the first couple of times that I would absolutely come out of the other side feeling calmer and that calmness was a total relief.

Even if it only took me down from a worry or anxiety level of 95% to 83% it was still a relief and I needed that this summer.

It was the first time I was able to find something that really stilled or stopped or at least slowed town the noise in my head, and it was really helpful.

I found once things settled, I didn't keep up with it consistently, and then I noticed the ironic pattern.  I wouldn't keep up with the exercises, and then I wouldn't sleep as well and then I would feel more tired, so I wouldn't take the time to do the exercises, so I wouldn't sleep as well, so I would feel even more tired, etc.

So I'd remind myself to do one most nights before bed, and I noticed, again, that I felt calmer, and slept better.

But again, when things felt better, I'd kind of stop, usually just honestly, genuinely forgetting.

A few weeks back, Jay and I had some fairly intense, serious conversations, and my brain was reeling.  (And, yes, I think we're going with Jay for this fellow.  He's ok with it.  And I am too.  Compromise!)

Add on to that the fact that I was so excited about how things were going, and the excitement and the anxiety and the serious all joined together and I was in a "I can't eat, I can't sleep" state and my brain was a complete mess.  An totally obsessed whirling of non-stop chatter and doubt and excited mess.

So I forced myself to start doing my mindfulness exercises every evening. 

And the first few nights of that week they were so hard.  There wasn't a lot of calming or focus on anything but "what if what if what if what if but what if omg what if?" but still, I would feel infinitesimally better and that was enough to remind me to do it again the next night before bed.  To take ten, fifteen minutes to try to calm my mind and quiet my thoughts.

And I've done it every night since.

And man oh man does it help. 

I think maybe it's just perfectly suited for my mind/brain.  And that it's just the perfect combination of everything I need to mellow out.  And therefore sleep.  Which then helps even more.  Etc, etc.

And I'm so grateful that something I would never have discovered if not for that counsellor/psychologist has been so helpful for me and my sanity.

And then there was Vince.  And Vince's advice.

Anew

Happy New Year my friends.

May this year bring you joy and peace, and some really great memories.

May your sorrows be few, and your heart be light.

I love fresh, new things.  Endless possibilities, glasses half full, lots of hope and potential.

I have a good feeling about this year, you guys.  Here's to two thousand and thirteen.

Happy New Year!

Another Eve

May you have a happy New Year's Eve, be it a quiet one or a loud one.

And may you be safe and healthy as you celebrate.

I always forget New Year's in the week leading up to it, as it always seems to be a week filled with visits and travel and family and events you can't quite make it to.

But here we are, the last day of another year, an eventful year for sure.

Thanks again for being here, and for reading, and commenting when you can.  Two thousand and twelve had some bumpy moments, that's for sure, but I feel like I grew a lot, and am stronger, and more solid in a lot of ways.

I hope you grew some too.

Big, giant hugs you guys.

See you next year!  (That never gets old, really.  I amuse myself greatly, even if no one else!)

A Rambling

Mandarin oranges are one of my favourite things about this time of year.  They have just the right combination of flavour, kick, and sweetness to make my mouth happy.

But when they have a seed in them, or when they're over ripe and gushy, then they're shudder-worthy, and so I try hard to not pick any that aren't firm, and to check them out for seeds pre-bite.

I also like pomegranites, although I haven't bought a whole one this year.  I did buy the pre-shelled seeds, which I thought was a ridiculous extravagance, but still, they're good.

I suppose they're rather the same taste, or similar anyway, and maybe I like them because they cut through a lot of the sugar that's typical of this time of year.  Or maybe I'd like them anyway.

Which reminds me, I need to go get more of my Mom's treats from their freezer before they get devoured.

Unless I'm already too late?

December, my flavour friend.

Wow.  That sounded weird.

Whoops

At the time of the writing of this post I have just tried to put something into the freezer to microwave it.

Thank you, that is all, I'll be here all weeks for autographs.

Montague, Capulet

Names are funny things.  Or, at least, our use of them is a funny thing.

I'm sure I've talked about it before, but I find I don't use people's names as often as I sort of feel I should.  I tend to use a nickname, or just skip over it completely, and I'm never sure why. 

Is it because it feels too formal to use someone's name all the time?  Is this a societal thing?  Is it just me?

Why am I rambling on about names, you may ask?  Well, this guy that I'm seeing (without seeing, if you know what I mean) and I have been sending emails, and you tend to use the person's name in an email. 

"Hey, Victoria, how are you?"  and the like.

And it's been nice, having my name used, even if just in written format. 

Also, I'm not sure what to call him here.  His name, like my own, really, is uncommon enough that I think people might figure out who he was, and by default who I am, and that would blow my spy cover completely out of the water.

I came up with an alternate name, Jay, he preferred Robert (yes, I told him about the blog, I know, right?) and I think that doesn't suit him, but he said Jay's too simple or formal or something.  He came up with Elijah, and I said I'd take it into consideration, but I think we all know it's going to end up being whatever my brain decides on, and I think my brain may already have decided on Jay.

Unless, of course, you have something else in mind?

This Year

I took a different approach to the holidays this year. . . to Christmas.

I decided to not let myself get involved in the hype that so often just turns to stress around this time of year.

I stayed out of the malls and shopping centres, other than a wander around them with C-Dawg one early Saturday morning.

And I made very few plans.

I just kept things as simple and straightforward as possible, treating this month just like another month, but with a few extra days off.

I tried not to have any expectations about what those days would look/feel like, and tried not to forsee the stress or trials those days might have.

I'm still in the middle of those days, of course, but I've felt calmer going in than I can remember before.

I'm sure my current happily distracting romantic situation has helped greatly in my ability to remember that there is more to life than having a dream of how Christmas should go and then being disappointed when it doesn't go that way.

But I'm not making much sense here, just kind of babbling to myself, while I enjoy some well-earned time off work.

Ahhhh holidays, I do like the non-work part of you very, very much.

*grin*

Today

Hi.

I'm not sure what you're doing today.  If you're working, or on holiday, or with family, or friends, or even on your own.

But I'm thinking about you, and hoping that today is a good one, stress free and as relaxing as it can be.

If you're with people you love, give them an extra hug, because you can.   Life twists in unexpected ways, so take some time to be grateful for what you have, because even if it's bumpy, some day you'll wish you had it back.

So, Merry Christmas, or just a plain old Happy Tuesday.  Sometimes during the holidays the internet feels very very empty, so I thought I'd put a hello out there for anyone who was looking for some distraction.

Happy today.

Hope you're having a good one.

So

So I'm not exactly sure how this happened, but apparently today is Christmas Eve?

Which . . . huh?

I guess my mind has been elsewhere, a happier elsewhere, but yeah.

*insert big goofy grin here*

Doesn't mean my mind still hasn't been wackado.

Like, for example?

I was having a bath the other night when I sneezed.  And then I wondered if I had to have another bath to wash off the sneeze or if the sneeze would be neutralized by the bath.

Or when I searched the stores for leftover advent calendars because why should December be the only month that gets a chocolate every day?  (I have to remember this next year!)

So, yeah, I'm happy, my brain is as always, and it's Christmas Eve.

Weird.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll talk to you soon.  And whatever you celebrate at this time of year, or even if you don't, I'm sending you a giant hug and lots of love.

Happy

And I'm so not doing it justice here you guys, but I really like the guy I'm getting to know.

These past few weeks, there's been a smile on my face, and I've felt happier than I remember feeling.

And I'm not the only one who's feeling like we're onto a good thing here.  Which makes it even awesomer.

We can't jump into anything, obviously, and he's not back in town here for a few months yet, so there will be no... anything typical at all.

And yes, we've discussed how, really, truly odd it will be to meet for the first time, to feel like we know each other at least a little, and then to discover that really we're still strangers.

And we're both willing to give it a few tries.  To not judge on our first awkward meeting that that will be how we get along.  And I think that even if there's no spark, we could become good friends.  He's a really interesting fellow, has a good heart, and has a ton of good stories to tell.

It was some point during the last two weeks that I showed up at C-Dawg's place.

"I had a weird thought on the way over here," I said.

"I think I'm falling in like with this guy."

She looked at me, and smiled, in that way that only a best friend can do.

"Oh, I know," she said.  "I can tell."

I was surprised.

But apparently it hasn't gone unnoticed that I'm happier.

I half mentioned it to my Mom.  Something I've done from time to time when I would start talking to someone with potential on the dating site, she didn't say much, but at least she can't claim I didn't tell her.  And if nothing happens, she won't particularly notice anyway I don't think.

And I've mentioned it to my closest friends.

"I'm kind of talking to this guy.  But we haven't met.  Won't for a while."

I keep expecting them to tell me I'm being stupid or that it's a waste of time or something, but all they seem to do is ask me if I feel it has potential, and when I say wholeheartedly that yes, I believe it really really does?  They tell me that's awesome, and to enjoy it.

Which is what I'm trying to remember.

To enjoy this for what it is.  And if it's just a special email friendship that goes no further, then I'll have enjoyed the time we shared getting to know each other.

Will I be disappointed if we meet and it turns out we don't click?  Yes.  I will.  And he's said he will be disappointed too.

And I'm trying to do my best (it's a struggle a lot of the time right now) to just be in the moment.  To enjoy what this is right now, rather than fretting about what it might or might not be in the future.

And that work I'm doing at being mindful, and in the moment?  Is important.  Something I need to practice for all of life anyway.

But you guys?  I've kind of met someone.  Even though we've never actually met. 

And we like what we know of each other so far.

And I'm happy.

And that's all I know.

For now.

Optimistically positive you guys.  For reals.

Now gimme a hug y'all!

A Whirlwind

And here's where I don't really know how to explain what's gone on in the last few weeks, because I feel like you're all probably sitting there shaking your heads at me.


But I've been "talking" with this guy since the beginning of December now, and it's at a point where I need to tell you about it.

And you'll just have to trust me that I'm not being stupid, and that I'm cautious and aware, and that I'll be ok if things fall apart in the long run, but that I also, kind of don't think they will, you guys.

So, our first week or so of email was pretty basic stuff, here's what I did at work today, how about you.  And then that somehow, I'm not really sure how, morphed into a little bit about where did you grow up, how did you grow up, and how did you get to be where you are now.

In part of those conversations I found myself feeling like, had I taken a slightly different route in life, we might have crossed paths many years ago and so we talked about this a little bit and how, for example, we both want to some day go to Burning Man, and both, in our own ways, are trying to change the world for the better.

Our emails got more personal, longer in length, and I started looking forward to seeing his name pop up in my in-box.

But, of course, you know me, so you'll know that things weren't without my own mind games and self-doubt.

Was this a stupid thing to be doing?  It didn't feel like it.  But it rationally seemed so.

Was there a point to getting to know, and like a person, who I might not click with in person?  No.  But... yes?

And so I have had a thousand thoughts swirling through my head but I've just kept on trusting my gut on this one and so I just kept on doing what felt right, and that was starting to get to know this ... stranger, via email.

Forward

As the next week progressed, I found myself looking forward to his emails more and more.  He *was* interesting, and had great stories about his life so far, and, well, I felt rather dull in comparison, but he seemed to be interested in my spy work and so our conversations became a bit more than just "so...how's the weather over there?"

Now, I know, I know, there's massive rules and whatnot about not endlessly emailing someone you met online.  Everyone says not to do it, talks about how you think you're getting to know someone via the emails or messages but you're just making up a version of them in your head and then when you meet you're let down.  So I know all this, and I'm aware of this, and it makes sense, but (isn't there always a but?) I was still really enjoying talking with this guy.

We kept finding things we had in common, or he'd tell me about something he'd done growing up or in his youth and I'd think, man... that's so cool, I kind of wish I'd known him then.

So I guess, if I'm being honest, I started feeling like I liked this guy.  This person I had never, ever met, like, at all.  Which was strange.

And then the first guy sent me a message.

I ignored it for a few days because I didn't know what to say to him.  He'd told me he would message me when he got back and we'd go for coffee, but now I didn't want to.  But what should I do?

I should meet with him.  That's what the smart thing to do would be.  Meet with the person who was actually in town, and then start getting to know him and if it didn't work out then maybe the other guy would be back in town by then and we could grab a coffee, but I didn't want to.

But I also thought it would be rude to ignore him completely, so I checked my messages, and there was a big long one from him.

He said that he didn't know how to say it but he wanted to be upfront.  That he had just gotten back from a second date with a girl, and that he'd gone on the first date with her just before leaving on his work trip.  He hadn't expected to get along with her so well but now that he was, he didn't feel right also meeting me.  He wanted to put his full attention on this one thing and see where it went and he hoped I understood.  He also said that if he was wrong, and things didn't go how he thinks they will and if I hadn't by then been swept off my feet, he hoped I wouldn't mind if he sent me a message in the future, wouldn't be offended.

And you guys?  I was totally relieved.

First of all, I was relieved that I didn't have to meet him.  Or that I didn't have to come up with a lame excuse not to meet him and then wonder why I hadn't just done it anyway since I was only emailing this other guy for pete's sake. (Who is Pete anyway, and why do we care about his sake?)

I was also very thankful that he had taken the time to message me, as I'm sure it felt awkward for him, and most guys either just stop messaging you or just message "I met someone else before you, sorry."  So I appreciated his candor and sincerity.

And then I smiled.

I wasn't particularly sure what I was getting myself into, but it was growing into something not just "email pen pals" and it was making me happy.

A Small Twist

So the guy I was more interested in (who had become sick on his flight home) and I didn't manage to meet that weekend back, but I was mentally preparing for a meeting the next week or two.

And meanwhile, the other guy took off for the week, and we said we would go grab a coffee when he got back.

But I ended up being a little bit disappointed.  The first guy sent me a message telling me that he was actually just leaving for a couple of months for work, but that I could send him an email if I wanted to.  And he gave me his email address.

Now, ordinarily, I would not follow through with that.  What would be the point in emailing a complete stranger you'd never get to meet?  But I'd enjoyed our brief conversations and he seemed like a really interesting guy, who, at the very least, would have some great stories to tell and I figured it would be nice to have someone to talk to, and maybe when he got back we could be friends.

So I sent him an email.  "Would you like to be email pen pals,"  I asked? 

It just sort of seemed like maybe I could have a little bit of distraction through the next month or so, send an email or two back and forth with this guy, tell him about the weather, ask what it was like wherever he was, that kind of thing.

And so he sent me his first email from the airport, I can hardly remember what he was talking about, but it made me smile, and so we started being "pen pals."

Just For Fun

Yeah,  so I messaged a couple of guys on line and started talking to them. 

They both seemed nice, and funny, and we seemed to get along (as much as you can seem to get along via a message or two here or there) and both of them asked if I'd be interested in meeting.

I was a bit more interested in meeting one than the other, but we weren't able to make it work and then he had to go away for work.

The other guy also had to go away for work and suggested we meet when he got back.

The first fellow actually sent me a hello message from his trip away, which really made me smile (aww, he's thinking of me, neat) and then when he returned we sort of talked about meeting up again but he got a bug from the plane and was sick that weekend.

I spent that next week psyching myself up for meeting him though.  Talked with C-Dawg about how I'm so not good at selling myself and so needed her help practicing the types of small talk questions you have on these meetings.  Because, really, I don't think "not much" is a good answer to "so, what do you do for fun?"  But that's the first answer that comes to mind.

So for a couple of weeks I'd exchange a message or two with these two guys, and thought I'd just see what happened.  It had never really been my style to talk to more than one person at a time, but this was the New Me, right?  And, besides, there was nothing to lose, it was all just in fun.

Sorry About The Mess!

Oh you guys, my brain exploded all over the place and is all over the walls and everything and I just, that was, I mean.  Yeah.

So give me a day or so here to clean up the brain bits that are oozing all over the place, they got into some cracks and need cleaned up.

Is Christmas over yet?  No. 

Nuts.

Anyhooooo, how was *your* weekend?

Any of you more sane than I currently am?

So Then

When I had my massive realization and whatnot, I decided it was also time to change, slightly, how I was approaching the online dating thing.

I had been very wary of putting myself out there.  "What if they don't like me no one ever likes me I'm so (insert self insult here) and this doesn't work anyway."

"Oh, give it a rest dumbass, what's there to lose, anyway?" my new/old self said to my Last Five Years self and kicked her out the door.

So I messaged a couple of guys (yes, ones I felt were attractive) and shrugged.  Whatever happened would happen.

And I answered messages and had minor conversations here or there and didn't really mind what happened.

I think seeing Vince helped with that too.  Seeing him made me feel attractive all over again, not just because he seemed to be still physically attracted to me but because we talked about our relationship and I finally heard, after all this time, why he'd been in love with me and why things might have worked, and I felt really good hearing that.  It reminded me that I'm not all those things my mind likes to tell me, and I felt strong and powerful again, in a I am a sexy woman hear me roar kind of way.

(I know, I know, it's kind of cringe worthy, but what can you do?)

I don't know if anyone around me noticed the change, but I did, and I do, and it's not just an emotional/mental one, I feel different physically too;  like I said, freer and lighter.

Babbling Part Two

I think the conclusion all that thinking got me to was that I'd taken the wrong approach but for the right reasons.

Somehow, in wanting to never again sleep with a man before knowing him, I'd shut myself down.  I'd become closed off and wary, and I can only imagine how this would come across or feel to a prospective date.

(Sensitive personages and/or those related to me you should probably stop reading now)

I'm a sexual person.  I think I always have been.  I've never been "slutty" or slept around, or even had a one night stand, but to me, it's important, and very much a part of who I am.

For a while, I thought it was important *why* I was like that, and I thought that because of the why, I should stop being like that.  But somehow the comment, and the thinking and processing and realizing I came to after the comment, made me realize that while the why is, I suppose, important, it is more important for me to just be me.

I like sex.  I like having sex.  I like having a boyfriend to have sex with.  (Or at least, a guy who I am hanging out with and attracted to.)

I like feeling attracted to someone, and the draw and tingles that don't just stick to the you know where places. 

It doesn't mean I like to talk about sex, or acknowledge its existence with my family, friends, colleagues, co-workers, etc. but it means that when I shut myself down mentally in that way (and I'm doing a hack of a job trying to put all these thoughts and understandings down in a way that may slightly make sense to you all) I became someone less than who I am.

So (I came to realize) I have, for the past five or six years, been forcing myself to be not myself, and it hasn't felt good.

I didn't really know it until I realized it all, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It's ok for me to be that way.  It's ok for me to meet people and consider sleeping with them.

And just as I came to this conclusion, I ran into Vince, and we all know where that went.  Or, nearly went.

I told him as much too.  Told him he'd come back into my life at a very interesting time.  That I'd just had this massive sexual-ish realization and then, here showed up the best sex I've ever had in my life.

So now I feel better.  Freer.  More... me.

An unintendedly awesome result of a comment someone made.  A catalyst.

And when I made that mental shift, things started happening.  That's for sure.

Babbling

I  feel like so much has gone on in the past month or so, and I've told you about most of it; Vince certainly.  But there's something that sort of set all of that off, in my mind at least, and I haven't sat down and typed that one out yet.

I guess maybe it's just a matter of actually doing it rather than talking about doing it, so here goes.

Do you remember in mid-November, when there was a comment left that threw me off, mentally, a little?

Well, after I sort of thought my way through, (and wrote out my way through,) what all that meant for me writing wise, I sat for a while, sorting through what all the comment meant for me, relationship wise.

Because what I know, that you don't is that around the time Smith and I were breaking up, I had a massive, unexpected, (unwanted perhaps?) realization that made me question everything about how I'd approached relationships, and really, sex.

The details of what I discovered and learned are not ones I'll likely share here (although never say never as Mr Beiber might say) but I decided I needed to change how I was approaching relationships, and that meant changing my "sleep with you first, ask questions later" modus operandi, and instead, meet someone, get to know them, and then maybe sleeping with them.

I think I took a year or so, honestly, after Smith to get over him and then to process what I'd learned about myself and my past.  Bird, if you'll remember, happened around that time, and I was very close with him, and somewhat baffled when we didn't end up sleeping together.

After that, I would meet someone here or there.  Through friends for the first while, but things just never clicked.  I wasn't interested in them, they turned me off, or made me feel panicky or something.  And similarly, when S convinced me to try online dating, I would meet someone and never hear from them again, or not want to see them again, Chad being the only minor exception to that.

A lot of that time I spent lamenting the fact that I just couldn't meet anyone, while forgetting that I was, in fact, meeting people and just not liking them.  Or, at times, I would lament the fact that I was meeting people, but they just weren't liking me, I was obviously unlikeable and that cycle gets really old and really draining really fast.

So when the comment was made, and shook me up, I realized that it was time to sit and think.  I always try to do that when someone says something that really really hurts or upsets me, so that I can find the truth or lesson or whatever it may be within what they said.

And when I thought things over, I wasn't upset at my writing, I was happy that I keep on writing here even when things are blue.  But I did start to wonder about my relationship "issues" and what part in that I might be playing.

On

One of the things that has helped me over the past week has been watching my friend moving forward with her life.

I think, maybe, she did a lot of her mourning when they were told he didn't have much more time, whereas mine didn't really come until their visit.

But it does help to see that she's ok, and her daughter's birthday celebrations went ahead and a cake was made and life does indeed move on.  And I think that's what her Dad would most have wanted.

My life has kept going, just a little heavier than usual, and, well, this too shall pass. 

I have many things to talk with/to you about but right now I keep staring at the date and going 12/12/12.  Cool.

And so I'll leave you with that.  It's a pretty cool date today.

How are you?

Pa

Approximately two months ago, I got a text from my friend.  The one with whom I'd been in a bumpy patch for the last while.  But this was a message that made nothing else matter anymore.

Her Dad, my "Pa", had been battling colon cancer over the past year.  They'd been told that he was clear.  They were wrong.

"Bad news.  Dad's got two months to live."

I called her, we cried, and talked, and cried some more.  All I wanted to do was make it all go away, be better.

But life doesn't work that way, does it.

Two weeks ago, my friend and my Pa came over to the Island, so that he could say goodbye.

And if you've never had to look someone in the eye, and say an actual goodbye, knowing that you will never see them alive again, you can count yourself lucky.  It was the hardest, most heartwrenching thing I've ever had to do.

We sat and talked, held hands and hugged.  We talked about this memory and that, and how when I slept over, he'd always wake me up by throwing a wet facecloth onto my face.

"Daughter #3."  That's what they call me.

"I'll save you a good spot in heaven," he said.

It's hard to watch a grown man cry.  It's hard to contemplate how you'd even begin to process knowing you had such a limited amount of time left.

It's hard to know that you will never actually see someone you love again, that those were your last moments together.  So hard.  I struggled through the next few days, thinking of what he'd said, how he'd looked, what it had all been like.  And I cried.




Five days after we held each other and said our goodbyes, my friend's Dad took a turn for the worse, and died in his sleep.

I can't do justice here to how much my heart hurts when I stop to think about him.  Or when I think about his family, who must be missing him even more than I am.

I think to myself, often, that I wish no one ever had to die.  But such is life, and life goes on and that's how it's supposed to be.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

Love the ones you love.

Tell them.

Thank them.

And be happy.  Be good.  Live while you can.

Just Me?

Do you ever stop in the middle of your work day and think "man, my job is really weird."

Or is that just me?

Crazed Imagningings

The weird thing about having this particular brand of cold is that you sound as bad as you feel so people are kind of more sympathetic than when you have that kind of cold that makes you feel poopy but sound like a regular human being.

But, that's not what this post was going to be about.  This post was going to be about something that I forgot in the time period it took me to choose the photo you see there on the right and upload it (or whatever) from flickr to blogger and now here I am with a brain that's trying to figure out what it is I was going to say.  Lemme see.

Oh, yeah, I remember.  (Thank goodness I'm not live blogging, or you would have fallen asleep at the actual amount of time it took me to remember)

When I first got slammed by this cold, I had myself a little nightcap of Neo Citran to see if I could knock some sense back into my body.  Or something.

It wasn't night time Neo or anything, so I wasn't feeling drowsy or sleepy, but I did hear someone in the hallway, meddling with my door and had the feeling they were just standing out in the hallway waiting.

I texted C-Dawg, cuz that's what one does when one is weirded out.  "I think there's someone standing in my hallway, I want to look but I don't want to look."

"Go to bed.  The Neo Citran's messing with your head."

"Oh.  Ok."

And I did.

But I still think there was someone standing outside my door at 9 something at night last weekend.

I just don't know why there would be.

Or why they wouldn't have knocked.

Or tried to break in.

Or something.




Updated Monday to add:  I'm feeling a lot better and noticed that the title of this post actually doesn't make sense as much as I'd thought.  I was going to change it but now think I'll leave it.  Shows how bleargh my brain was ;)

Big and Little

All last week I kept wishing I could have Vince come over and lie on the couch with me. 

Just to have that feeling of curling up against someone, and being comfortable and secure.

I still don't want to have a relationship or get back together with him and I'm fine with not sleeping with him, but now, apparently, I have to get over wanting to cuddle with him.

Sigh.

Well,

I sure hope that old saying is "Feed a fever, starve a cold" because this cold does not want to eat.

Or, at least, I do not want to eat and it's because of this cold.

I didn't even want a piece of birthday cake that someone brought to work yesterday and that's like...gasp!

I don't even think I'd bother eating a Cadbury's Creme Egg.  And that's saying something.

Begone foul beast of a cold-ick-ness.

I Wonder

On tv shows like The Amazing Race where they're all pressed for time and rushing to do this that and the other...when do they eat?  I mean, I guess they eat dinner and breakfast at the "rest place/pit stop" but what about lunch?  And stuff?

Brain Mush Wonderings, The Fluffy Edition

Why do they make fluffy pyjamas in regular sizes?

Like, my friend just gave me a new pair of fluffy cozy pjs and they're the same size as I'd buy clothes or shirts in or whatever and they feel tight.

I mean, they're not actually tight, but I don't want my pjs to be form fitting, like, at all.

Granted,  I don't actually wear them to bed, so I suppose they're more lounge wear than bed wear, but still.  Why they gotta be all un-loose?

Do people actually wear pyjamas that are anything other than massively big?

Hack, Sniff.

I had an absolutely miserable week last week and now I have a cold.

Or, as I suspect, I have a cold because I had a miserable week last week.

I've really not got much in the way of a functional brain, as seen by my attempt to send off my international Christmas cards yesterday, where I ended up labelling and stamping them all upside down.

Yes, yes I did.

So for this week, until my brain clears and my nose, chest, head and throat clear, I won't have anything sensical to say.

Is that a word?  Spell check doesn't think so.

But, yeah.  There you go.

December

There are a number of things that I am not looking forward to this month, and I'm going to try to not spend the entire month not looking forward to them.

If that makes sense.

What I mean is, if there are four or five days this month that I'm worried about or am anticipating not being enjoyable, I don't want to spend the other twenty six days stewing about them.

So I'm going to try to really focus on other things.  To distract myself if necessary.  To be present when I can.

To just get through one day at a time and deal with the not so great days when they get here, rather than dealing with them for weeks before hand.

Easier said than done, perhaps, but a good exercise and a good intention to set for the month.

Right?

Right.

Sweet Relief

Oh thank all good things that November is over.

Not that I'm in love with December or anything, or that November itself is a bad month, but I am so relieved to not be blogging every day anymore!  Woo hooo!

And more than that though, I'm supremely happy that Movember is over.

I mean, I love men.  And I love prostrate research.  It's helped my Dad, for one, and many others too.

But moustaches?

I hate them.

Hate.

I can tolerate them on older gentlemen of a certain age/era, but usually only if said moustache is white.

I find them ugly and unattractive and porny at best.

And I don't know any of my female friends who feel differently.

We don't like moustaches, and we don't like how our men look in them.

It's SHAVING TIME gentlemen!  Get on it!

Whew.

Writing Prompt: If Tattoos Only Lasted For One Year, Would You Want One?

Oh heck yes!

But maybe not for the reasons you'd expect.

See, I have occasionally considered getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist, because I like seeing them there on people.

But I'm not honestly sure I want a tattoo that I can see constantly, and, I suppose, that everyone else can see constantly.

So I'd like to try it out!

One day a while ago, I actually doodled on my wrist to see how it looked and it really annoyed me, but maybe if I had it for a while I'd get used to it.  But just in case I didn't like it, I would be relieved to know it was only going to last a year.

Except then if I really liked it, would that mean I'd have to get it re-done every year or are there like two tattoo choices in this magical example?

What about you?  Do you want a year-long tattoo?  And what would it be?

(Mine would be words, I think, or a word.  Even though I know everyone would probably end up asking what it meant, etc.)

To Change The Topic For A Second

I just found another one of these (this one, no longer alive) on my floor.

So that makes... six?

That I know of.

Dude.