Thirteenth

It's not that I don't want to post or blog or whatever it's just that I don't know how to talk about what's going on, or maybe I don't want to.  I don't know.

Jay showed up a couple of days ago.  And by "showed up" I mean he texted to say hi.

I guess it's thrown me a bit just because I don't know how I feel about him.  Is he someone I'd want as a friend?  And, I suppose, there's the aspect of never being quite sure of the motivation of an ex getting back in touch.  Or something.  But it also makes me wonder why it is Max can't say hi.  Maybe he never will.  Maybe he will some day, I don't know, but still... If Jay can talk to me and Jason and I can still hang out and be friends... it's not like I'm some horrible person who must be avoided upon breakup.  Especially since I was never unkind to Max.  But anyway, not knowing what someone else is thinking but trying to figure it out is surely a way to drive yourself nuts.  So I'll stop.

I've been seeing a counsellor, for what it's worth.  Not about Max, although he did come up before Christmas in a raft of tears I didn't realize I'd been holding back.  Just about... where I'm at.  Why I don't want to be there anymore.  And all that.

Been going for more regular acupuncture too...instead of just for sleep (been going for that for years) but to help calm my mind and stuff.

When Jay asked me how I was doing, once we got beyond the surface stuff I said I was having a hard time not having any concrete answers or knowings.  He asked, jokingly, if I had any play dough answers?  I said no, it was more like one of those weird jelly liquid things you had as a kid that would slip through your hands and you could never quite hold on to it because it would just keep slipping and slipping and slipping through itself.

Yeah.  That.  That's how my life feels right now.  And for someone who's used to and comfortable with concrete knowing and answers?  It's not really all that awesome feeling, let me tell you.

But, I'm healthy, I'm safe, I'm supported... for that, I'm grateful.

And I continue to want to be able to talk about what's going on, but not really knowing how to do that.  It would probably help if I could.  And might lighten the load of listening Jason has had to do this last while.  We'll see.

Pfffft

I have popcorn now and then as a snack, and I keep the popper and the bag of corn.. kernels (?) in the otherwise unused cupboard above the stove area.

And last night, when I went to grab the bag, I'd somehow not sealed it properly when I last put it away and before I knew it, there were kernels of corn falling everywhere!

I got my little hand held vacuum thing and got most of them taken care of but all today I keep finding them!  Most amusingly, falling out of the hoodie I was wearing last night, go figure.

It's often in these moments that I'm happy that something like that doesn't upset me.  It's kind of like... meh... shrug... so they fell and I had to clean them up.  No biggie, all good.

I suppose in some ways it's just a matter of finding how to apply that to life's bigger things?

Is that when one gets one's halo?

Bop Back Doll?

We had another unexpected sunny weekend and I decided to go for a bike ride.  I don't love biking with traffic and such but if I don't at least try to get over that, I'll only ever bike when I'm down in the desert and that's kind of a shame as I quite like being on my bike.

I put on my winter running gear, figuring that if it was warm enough to run in when it was in the minus somethings, it'd be warm enough on a brisk day with some windchill.  And if not, well I could always come home and have a warm shower.

I knew my tires would need pumping since I hadn't been on my bike since Burning Man, so I brought down my tire gauge thing and my little hand pump.  The pump is annoying at best (I find) and so when the gauge told me I was at 10 and I figured I had to get to... well, WAAAY more than that I knew I was in for some sweating and frustration.

But I couldn't get the pump to connect properly and I gave up on the back tire after about five minutes of trying.  Did the same on the equally deflated front tire and gave up on that too.  Was giving up entirely, sweaty and frustrated when I saw someone in the building had a floor type pump with a note on it that said anyone was welcome to use it. Awesome!  That'd get the job done!  Here I come sunny bike ride and future fitness!!!

Except I couldn't get that pump to sit properly on the knob thing either and after blowing air uselessly around, I thought I could at least get the front tire done... but no.  Same thing.  Couldn't get it to seal properly and by this point I'd been down there for probably fifteen minutes, maybe twenty and I was hot and sweaty and frustrated.  Given up on being able to go for a ride.  Figured I'd have to go buy a new bike pump to make it all easier.  And then the pump wouldn't come off the front tire thing.  I pulled and pulled and got increasingly frustrated until PSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH..... I burst the entire front inner tube trying to get the pump off.

And that's when I started crying.

Those "I'm so frustrated this isn't fair" tears, right there in the middle of the bike locker of my building.  All I'd wanted to do was get some exercise.  I got all ready to go.  I tried to go.  I TRIED!  I felt like the universe was testing me somehow... like one of those punching dolls that just pop back up when you hit them.  And, well, as frustrated as I was, I was still going to get some damn exercise.  I'd put the clothes on for it, that wasn't going to waste.

So I cried for a while, took my stuff back up to my place, cried some more.  Sent some frustrated texts to Jason and C-Dawg and then went out for a walk.  Screw you bad things.  You can annoy me, but you can't stop me!

Ended up seeing a bald eagle, and someone swimming in the ocean (crazy!) and sat down at the water for a while.

I will have to get a new tube now, when I go get my new bike pump.  And I may try to change the tube myself, although I'm aware that might end up with frustrated tears again. 

But yeah, I just wanted to do something good for myself, but apparently that wasn't in the cards.

Sigh.  Better luck next time?

Um....

How do spam...people make their money?  Like, do people really click on "hi I'm a horny pretty girl and I want to meet you right now" and... pay money for ... I don't even?

I mean, I assume they're making money or they'd stop with the weird ads and emails and stuff.  Maybe I'm wrong?

Inconvenient

Whatever it is I have to say or think I might want to say seems to run out of my head entirely when I sit down to type.  Which... is inconvenient at best.... sigh.

Someone who clearly doesn't know that C-Dawg and I are friends tried to tell her a rumour about me yesterday.  Or, I suppose not a rumour so much as information that isn't true.  And C-Dawg just looked at her and said oh really?  Funny, you'd think I'd know that as I'm her best friend...

Weird how that works.

I know it's sort of addictive to talk about people.  Especially when they're not there.  To have news and to be able to share it is a form of power in a way I guess.  But being on the receiving end (no, it wasn't anything nasty or mean, just... false) it makes me scratch my head.  Because someone had to have started that.  Did they take it from something I said?  Something I intimated?  Did they say "I wonder if" and someone took that as "here's a truth"?

I would like to be bothered less by what people think or say about me.

Which probably means I have to think more about myself to begin with.  Not more as in volume, but more as in positively, self..worthily.

Huh, go figure, my brain found something to talk about after all.

Nope

I often scratch my head when people, especially Americans, refer to Canada as this place that's constantly covered in snow.

I mean, sure, I know it's a silly/funny stereotype, but as I'm watching people share their shots of skiing and snow days while I sit here WISHING we'd get a flake or two, I wonder where that stereotype came from.  I'm sure there are tons of places in the states that get far more snow, or just as much snow as parts of Canada.  Is it maybe that there are those Southern states that never really get snow at all?  (I'm looking at you, Florida...but hey, even there I could be wrong, what do I know?)

Anyway... I think this came up because the weather forecast has been saying ooooh maybe snow/rain for a couple of weeks now, but nope.  Nada.  Just the wet stuff.

Which, I know is fine but I'm a little jealous of all the people with all their snow... from up here in this "great white North".... or... not.

More Sobbing!

In what is an unexpected turn of events, I'm finding that these days, if I cry because of something or to someone or about something, I feel better after.  A lot better.

Which doesn't really explain why I don't just find reasons or excuses to cry.  Well, I guess it's because it's not fun or enjoyable.  But it's also tiring.  So, yeah.

Just... I guess it's letting go of stuff rather than keeping it in or something.

I don't know, I'm just finding something to say, you know?

Morning

Well, here we are in 2016.  Go figure.

I feel like I kept waiting for 2015 to get going. 

You know how some books read like that?  Like, you're waiting for the introduction to be over so you can get into the meaty part of the story?  Yeah, well I feel like I kept thinking I'd get used to the fact that it was 2015.  And then I never did.  The year always seemed new to me.  Like it had just started. 

Perhaps there's a Grandma somewhere reading this and chuckling... "yes, dear, that's how it feels as you get older..." but I don't know.  It was such a round sounding year.  That five always had a certain softness to it.

2016 looks sharper.  Crisper.  More of a snap to it, we'll see. 

I didn't mind 2015, not at all.  The people I've confided in the last few months will probably go on to tell me it was the hardest year I've had in a long time, if not ever, but just like women who say the pain of childbirth fades over time, I liked this year.  It feels happy to me.

I've said it before but I don't make New Years resolutions anymore.  Yes, I've done things like the 365 Project before but I find I'm much happier and much more likely to succeed if I just use the first of the year as a reminder of how I want to continue to set my intentions.  I find there's too much pressure if I tell myself I'll never do X again, or I'll do Y every day or whatever those goals are that are meant to be started on January first.  It just makes me feel pressured.  Which is never fun.  I don't want to be motivated by pressure or "ugh".  And I don't want to have to wait for a certain day to start doing something.  So I'm reminding myself of the things I've found work for me over the last few days or weeks or months or years.  And I'm not being hard on myself.  Which is different in an important way from going easy on myself.  Although that's also slightly different from being gentle with myself.  Delicate, slight differences....

Still so much going on here, but those things don't stop for holidays or calendar days.  I hit a very difficult patch post Christmas.  I can string together some theories on why, but really, what matters is that I don't feel that way anymore and I'm so glad for that.  Thank goodness for a week of sunny (if cold) weather.  And thank goodness I had the idea to wrap up warm and walk to a couple of appointments because those short walks in the sun helped lift my mood a great deal and that made such a huge difference.

Sadness (or depression or the winter blues or being low or whatever name you want to use) is hard because it drains you of the very energy you need to do the things that may help lift you out of it.  And even if you know you're in a stuck cycle, it can all just feel like too much, or something you'll get to "when you can." 

A few things running through my head right now, including the seemingly random but not actually random idea of considering a teardrop camper (trailer)  Which... I've never actually been in one but damn if they don't look awesome. 

I hope you had a good holiday season and that this new year is going to be a wonderful one for you, full of health, happiness and love.

Happy Monday.  Talk soon.

Day 10: One Confession

I thought about giving you a big, juicy confession but the only one I can think of right now is work related and I still don't think it's wise to go there.  Or, to tell you that the earthquake we had here the other night pointed out to me that sleeping naked might have unforseen consequences, but I think what I'm going to end up confessing on this, here, the last night of what's actually been a pretty good year is that

1.  I actually like Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."  I do!  It's catchy and sweet and cute and I have good memories of listening to it when I was a kidlet and it was an actual song on the radio and tv and stuff.  So there.

Enjoy your New Year's Eve, be it quiet or a big to do.  Be safe if you're going out and may the new year bring you joys you haven't even yet imagined.

This year went quickly.  I still feel like it's just getting started.  Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose.  So I must have had fun.

Here's to a new year.  *Hugs and smooches*

Day 9. Two Words That Describe Your Life Right Now and Why

1. Empty.

2. Unclear.

Although those two words could be taken very negatively, and I'm not saying this isn't a sad, difficult time for me right now, they also could be seen as a time where there's almost a feeling of clean slate.  Like, I have no idea about so many things right now and while that is unsettling and frightening, on a good day, I can see it as full of choice, chance and opportunity.

My life feels empty right now.  I feel quite lost without Max and that love and the plans we'd made, and I don't want to date or try to be in a relationship so there's this void where I'd like to have a partner to love and share with and be with and think about a future with.  It's also that time of year when people do their thing and it's darker and colder and I just feel blah and there's more to it all than that but yeah.  Empty and unclear.  I have no idea where I'll be this time a year from now, never mind next season, or this summer or anything.  I might be not far from where I am right now but it's unlikely I'll be right here.  I don't know.

So, yeah.  Stuff.  Blah.  Life.

Day 8: Three Turn Ons

Ok, I guess this is different than eight ways to win my heart.  I guess we're assuming my heart has been won and... now there's going to be smooching?  Ok, so....  uh.... I'm going to keep this P.G.  Ish.

1.  Shoulder/neck rubs.  When given by my significant other person, I pretty much melt.  Yup.  Happy.

2.  I think this is similar to winning my heart by being passionate about something, but watching someone in their element can be a big turn on.  When they're comfortable and confident and really enjoying what they're doing, that can be really cool to see.

3.  Honestly?  A really good connection.  When I am in love with someone, and we have that amazing connection and I feel safe and cared for, pretty much just being around or thinking about that person is enough to get me going.  Sometimes some people just do that for me, and, well, those are generally the only ones I'd want to smooch.

Day 7: Four Turn Offs

Hope you had a good last few days, or Christmas or, you know, your thing.

I got through it.  The end.

Anyway, back to randomness...

Four turn offs... um.... seeing as I'm really not in the dating or even smooching mood as I write this I kind of just want to say "everything" But that's not... in the spirit of these writing prompts so I'll give it a try, here goes... four turn offs.

1.  Harshness/hardness.  When someone is mean/unkind/nasty/harsh/negative/cruel or whatever it is I just can't put my finger on, it does the opposite of work for me.  I'm not saying I don't like people who are a little rough around the edges, just I don't like harsh...ness.

2.  Cheating/Disloyalty.  There is no appeal to me, whatsoever, in someone who is not being loyal, honest and open with their partner/spouse/friend/whatever.

3.  Smoking.  Smells.  Gross.  Unhealthy.  Nasty.  Addiction.

4.  Overindulgence.  Being drunk/wasted/etc makes me lose respect really quickly.  Do not like.

So yeah...

Happy Holidays

Maybe you celebrate something at this time of year.  Maybe you don't.  Maybe there are people you wish you could see, or maybe there are some you'd rather not.

Maybe you're with family, maybe you're with friends, or maybe you're just with yourself.

Maybe you look forward to this time of year, maybe you don't.

Maybe you're travelling, or people are travelling to be with you.

Maybe it's busy and noisy and crazy where you are, maybe it's quiet and simple.

Whatever is going on for you right now I hope you're safe and happy and if it's a hard time for you, I hope you know you're loved.

This too shall pass, for better or for worse.  Merry Christmas if that's your thing. Happy Holidays if not.

Be well.

Day 6: Five People Who Mean A Lot to You (In No Particular Order)

1. C-Dawg.  She's a fun friend and a good friend and a close friend and all sorts of good things.  It sometimes surprises me how long we've known each other.  And we're neither of us quite exactly sure how we started to be friends and all that.

2.  Jason.  He is sometimes difficult to be with or deal with but he is a good person and has been there for me in some of my really tough times over the last couple of years.  He is always encouraging and I know he cares for me and wants what's best for me.  He makes me believe good things about myself, even if he has to yell at me to make me believe them.

3.  My family.  I know that's not just a person, it's more than one, but still, they'd take up probably the whole list otherwise.  Good people.  Mean well.  We love each other. 

4.  Sarah (and her guy).  Sarah (and by extension her guy, with the exception of a year or two when he went travelling around the world and broke her heart but then came back and moved in with her and I forgave him and yay!) is always there for me and always listens and is always supportive.  We've known each other for evar and she's really good people.

5.  Max.  Right now it's true.  And this will infuriate some of you I'm sure, but I also don't care right now.  He was a wonderful experience and I have never before experienced and shared such a joyful love before.  Everything about the "us" felt so perfectly right to me and he did and currently still does mean a lot to me.  This may change or fade with time, but for now, it's the truth of how I feel.

Day 5: Six Things You Wish You Had Never Done

Happy Winter Solstice northerners!

I actually have a hard time with this one because I feel like even the decisions I made that I didn't end up enjoying have lead me to where I am now so.... therefore they're not really all that regrettable....  So I can't actually think of things I wish I had never done, there are things I would not like to do again perhaps? 

1.  Answered my parents honestly when they asked me if I'd ever tried the marry ju wana.  I had tried it and thought I should just answer them honestly.  They did not react well to this (it's a bigger deal to them than it is to, well me... and we'll just leave it at that.  It was a huge concern to them.)  and it really made our relationship strained and still upsets them to this day (that I had ever tried it at all.)

2.  Drank so much I threw up.  I really could have lived without that experience of sitting over the toilet bowl swearing I would never drink again if I could just stop feeling like this, please God make it stop.

3.  Helped someone out financially a lot more than I really should have.  It was really bad timing to boot and I'm still struggling financially.  It's not that I mind helping, it's that I feel like I over-extended. 

4.  Tried to be clever but actually incidentally teased my brother.  When we were kids, my brother and I were both in French Immersion.  I saw him crying, talking to our Mom about something that he was upset about and because I'd never seen him cry like that before I felt awkward.  I didn't know how to handle it, and because the French for he is crying and it is raining sound similar I tried to lighten the situation by saying "oh, he is raining" because... I thought it would be clever... or something.  That he'd recognize the pun and cheer up.  But.... when I said it, he just got more upset and I realized he probably just thought I was saying... hey look, my brother's crying.  I felt bad.  Still do, clearly.  I bet he doesn't even remember...

5.  I think this one is cheating because it's something that happened to me rather than something I actually did, but I wish I had never contracted the gastrointestinal... bug or whatever that I did on a trip that meant I was incredibly ill on a flight that seemed to be never ending on a tiny little charter plane.  I don't remember being that physically miserable and feeling like it would not end.  Horrible horrible time, even drugged up on whatever I was on.  So bad. 

6.  I sat here for a really long time trying to think of another one and now I'm cheating again and I'm totally ok with this!  I wish I had never read some of the really awesome books I've read because then I could read them again for the first time!  Although, I suppose then I wouldn't know that they're awesome and might not read them but still... I would love to have that first go of some of my favourite books again.

Day 4: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1.  The fact that I'm tired.  Be it emotionally or physically, I often just want to lie down and zone out.  Could all be part and parcel of the time of year and what's going on I suppose or being stuck in a cycle but yeah, the feeling of being tired and wanting to rest crosses my mind a lot.

2.  What should I eat?  This was less of a thought when I was following a meal plan, but I would still think about what to put in my mouth throughout the day.  Snack wise or treat wise or food wise or whatever.  Food is my easiest little mini happy moment, or is often a what will upset my stomach the least thought.  I get random cravings.  I give in to eating things that taste good but aren't good for me a lot more than I'd maybe like to.  When I'm not at my best I don't want to eat and I think about food still because I think I should be eating and it should be protein filled or healthy or whatever, but see #1 above... I often don't have the energy to cook... even though the things on my meal plan are pretty simple and fast to make. 

3.  I'm lucky.  I know I am.  I live in a beautiful part of the world and in a country that is safe and peaceful.  I'm healthy, I have food, shelter, income, water, all of those basic needs are met.  That makes me luckier than a whole lot of people in the world.  The things that worry or concern or upset me are things that in the big picture I am lucky that they're what I worry about.  There are no bombs dropping on my neighbourhood.  I'm not living in fear of my life.  I have health care.  My water is clean.  I can afford a place to live and food to eat and even luxuries.  I have travelled.  I have visited other countries.  I have a passport.  I can vote.  I'm a very very lucky person.

4.  Negative self talk.  Or, not helpful self talk.  Worrying stories, upsetting thoughts.  All of these.  They cross my mind a lot.  I'm working on changing that and I do think it's getting better, but there is still a lot of talk in my mind that is blue.  Or dark.  Or however you want to put it.

5.  Currently, thoughts about Max cross my mind a lot.  I'll just leave it at that.

6.  I really spend too much time online.  See #1 again.  They're related.  Lying on my couch and zoning out with a show or something online takes no energy.  But it also drains my time and isn't really much of a life.  I know this. 

7.  Should.  Frustrates me when someone (often a counsellor) points out how much I use that word.  And it never feels good to think it.  I think I probably intend it as a motivator.... I should be doing X, Y, Z... but I think it just makes me feel more of #4 and more of #1.  But "should" is definitely one of those thoughts I'm trying to hear and think and say less.

Day 3: Eight Ways to Win Your Heart

Ouch.  This one hurts to even consider writing about right now.  But hey.... I'll give it a go.  And then probably go cry.  But that's ok....

Sigh.

1.  Be kind.  A kind person.  A kind heart.  Kindness towards me, yourself, others, animals, life in general, strangers.  Be kind.  Loving.  Generous.  Gentle. 

2.  Be strong.  I don't mean rawr, hulk smash muscles kind of strong, I mean in yourself.  Emotionally.  Personally.  Be strong in knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Stand up for what's right and good.  Be a strong person. 

3.  Love touch.  All of it.  Love to hold me, touch me, sit with me, cuddle me, and yes, be intimate with me.  Love to be held, touched, cuddled, etc.  Let me touch you too.  Want to sit next to me and be affectionate.  Hugs.  Kisses.  Whatever.  Touch.

4.  Be genuine.  I don't know how to explain this other than to say if you're trying to be something you're not it won't sit well with me.  It'll make me uncomfortable.  If you tell little lies or untruths I'll notice.  If you say you'll do something, do it.  Just be who you are for better or for worse.  Be real.

5.  Be thoughtful. 

6.  Love.  Don't be afraid of it.  Give it, accept it, share it.  Say it.  Show it.  Mean it.  Be love.

7.  Be passionate.  About something.  Extra bonus if it's an art.  I fall easily for people when they're focussing on what it is they're good at and passionate about. 

8.  Be supportive.  Especially of me, and all that I am and want to be and have trouble with moving through. 

Filling The Glass

First thing Monday morning is when I was supposed to be going to the airport to fly from here to San Fransisco before continuing on from there to Albuquerque to spend a week with Max.  I'm having a hard time with this.

I'm having a hard time because we'd talked about what we'd do and the plans we had and the things he'd arranged and I'd already thought about those things and attached them to certain dates at a time of year when I have a hard time with.... Christmassy family stuff.  So, for example, when people mention the full moon on the 25th, my brain goes, yeah, I know... Max and I would be together, maybe probably with snow, maybe in front of a warm fire after a day of looking at the scenery and taking photos and seeing that moon together, making happy plans about next time we'd get to see each other.  Or whatever thought my brain has.  It's hard. 

I realized talking with my counsellor that I never really got to mourn the loss of that love.  I never got to sit and cry it out, have someone hold me while I said how much I missed him.  Sure, I did some of that, but for the most part I was dealing with keeping myself going.  Getting through the shock.  Dealing with the other stuff that's going on in my life.  I distracted myself a lot.  Kept myself "ok".  I never cried for how sad I was over losing what we had and what I thought we'd have and losing this trip.  And all that I'd imagined it would be.  And feel like, and how it would be an interesting, and possibly wonderful experience for us to see each other outside of the Burning Man environment.  To travel together.  Real world stuff.  I think I kind of figured this trip would tell me a lot, for better or for worse about our possible future together.  Or if we weren't meant to be more than sort of friends who loved each other.  Now I'm sitting here, not on this trip... not with this person I shared such a love with, not seeing a new part of the world, not taking photographs of scenery I think I would love, not sharing laughs and conversation and intimacy with a person I really really like being around, not feeling connected and close with another human being and, I'm not away from family dynamics and the stress that comes with that over the Christmas holidays, and I've lost a thousand dollars in flights that I can not afford right now.  That's a lot.  A lot of upset and hurt and sadness and pain.

I try to find a balance of ignoring and distracting myself from thinking about it all, but I also recognize that that doesn't actually allow for healing or for moving forward.... but.... I have to keep somewhat ok.

Last night I was trying to stop thinking about how much it hurts that the days of me not going are almost here and I thought, well, if there's a positive to this... I'm not worried about packing.

So I ran with that thought for a while... a "the glass is half full" kind of thought, even if kind of a stretch.

I don't have to figure out what to pack on a winter trip to New Mexico.

I don't have to figure out how many layers of pants I will need, or hiking boots AND snow boots or is that overkill.  I don't have to worry that it won't all fit into my suitcase.  I don't have to wonder about bringing a tripod or not.  I don't have to worry about how long I had on my layover or if I had to change planes or not.  I don't have to worry about taking a taxi vs parking at the airport vs asking someone for a ride.  I don't have to get up at, like 3 Monday morning to get to the airport early enough for the flight.  I don't have to worry about ..... any of the travelling things.  I don't have to worry about it maybe being awkward to see Max after so long.  (I don't think it would have been but hey... throw that in there anyway)  I don't have to worry about it maybe being weird to be, say, in a store, or ooh, I just thought of this one, I don't have to worry about pooping.  Or washing my hair and drying it with a hotel blow drier because I didn't have room to pack mine because boots... and jackets and... so, yeah.  There.  I'm not worrying about packing at all.  Nope.  Don't have to stress about that.

I can sleep in my own bed all week and... yeah.  Not pack.

I'm trying....

Day 2: Nine Things About Yourself

1.  I'm growing my hair long.  I'm not really sure why.  I don't really do much with it, I've never enjoyed styling my hair and it's often up anyway.  But yeah, I just keep growing it.  I don't even notice the length but when people haven't seen me in a while they mention it.

2.  I don't think I know how to ski.  Apparently I learned as a kid, but never went so forgot.  Tried to learn again as an adult once but found it quite frustrating.  I think I might enjoy it but I'm too concerned about the possibility of injury to really want to give it a try.  Plus it's expensive.  But it does look like fun.

3.  Sometimes it feels like just too much effort to go exercise outside for whatever reason, so I'll put my laptop on the kitchen counter and march on the spot for the length of a show.  I don't know if it's as good as actually walking, but I feel better having done at least something.

4.  I don't enjoy shopping.  Least of all, clothes shopping.  According to what society seems to think, this makes me weird as a woman.  I don't care.

5.  I do wish I was a stylish dresser though.  I see people who look cool in what they wear and I wish I had that skill.  People say you can learn it but again, just like with my hair, I don't think I care enough to try.  Plus, to be honest, the style "styling people" seem to like to put me in never feels comfortable to me.  I guess you could say I like the look that suits different body types than what I have or something.

6.  I talk a lot about how much I like chocolate, but I don't know that I really do in the way some people do.  I like certain chocolate bars, and certain types of chocolates but expensive chocolate?  Dark chocolate?  I don't really enjoy either.  I tend to eat the two or three types of chocolate bars that I like and that's about it. 

7.  I have a sort of spiritual side of myself that I don't talk about with very many people at all.  I have a couple of people that I've met in recent years that I can talk about it with but I tend to keep it to myself.  I think I expect to be judged, to be honest, I tend to judge people who hold similar beliefs as flaky so maybe I expect to be dealt with the same way. 

8.  I have no problem letting in, accepting, believing, agreeing with, getting upset by negative thoughts about myself, but I have a huge problem even looking at a positive thought about myself.  Compliment me?  I'll try to be gracious, but I'm not sure it'll sink in.  Criticize me in some way?  I'm all over that and I'll carry it for a long time because even if I can somehow believe you're wrong, it still hurts that you said it and that'll upset me and fuel the negative fire.

9. When I go to buy new shoes, I always have to look at the size I'm wearing.  I think I sometimes think they're bigger by a half size or more.  My feet are size 8.  (I'm pretty sure)

Day 1: Ten Things You Want to Say to Ten Different People Right Now

I found this series of ten writing prompts on someone's blog and figured what the heck, I could use a little prompting these days.

Now, this first one, quite honestly would be easier if I could say ten different things to one person as I have a lot I'd like to say to Max right now but ... well, anyway.  Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you.  Really.

2. I don't understand.  I just don't.  And the fact that you won't be thoughtful enough to even try to explain it to me just makes me understand even less.

3.  It's not your fault.  You're the best part of it all.

4.  You don't need to worry about me, I'm ok, and your ideas aren't working for me right now.  I'm not you.

5.  He's a huge jerk and I don't know how you can't see it.  Or maybe you just don't care?

6.  I wish you knew who I was really, but you don't seem interested and I wish you liked who I was because it makes me sad that you don't.

7.  I think you're everything that's wrong with (spy work) right now. 

8.   I'm sorry I can't afford to get you a more expensive gift, I hope what I have for you is enough.  But I also don't think gifts should matter and we give them too much emphasis, especially at this time of year.  It's too bad.

9.  I need to be held.  Lovingly.  And allowed to cry or sob or sleep or whatever it is. 

10.  Could you please please please find a way to make that taste just as good but be gluten free?

Huh

So I may pretend I never said this but yes, another realization to share with you.

A few times lately, I've looked in the mirror and gone huh, you're kind of pretty!  Or something nice like that.  Which is a bit of a surprise.  One, that I see it, and two, that I see it and say it.

Somehow this made me think of how having and using a laptop (Apple would like to point out that it's not a laptop at all, it's just a portable computer, thank you very much don't put it on your lap, the end) ends up making me feel a whole lot less attractive than I kind of actually am.  Let me explain.

When I use my laptop, it is generally on my lap.  Either reclining on the couch, or lying down on the couch.  And when I use it, I can almost always see a reflection in it.  And that reflection, especially if the screen is dark (ie. watching a show on Netflix with the black background) I can see myself.  My own face.  And neck.  And chin.  All of these at the worst possible angle.  Seriously.  And I'd never thought of it before!

If I spend a fair amount of time (and I sadly do, something I'd like to change) staring at this reflective surface of my laptop and seeing very unattractive reflections of myself, no wonder I don't think I look good.  I'm looking at the worst of me all the time!

I think this was a somewhat reassuring realization, that other than perhaps small children and pets, no one but me is seeing me from this unflattering angle as much as I'm seeing myself from it.

Seriously!  Bad laptop, bad!



 
The importance of angles

Don't Worry, This One's Not Dramatic

It seems this is a week(end) of figuring stuff out and having realizations because I think I just figured something else out that I'm not happy about... but needed to know.

My stomach has been pretty bad the last few weeks.

I've been putting it down to stress, because I'm not eating gluten and I haven't changed what I'm eating all that much, maybe just eating a little less well... a little less protein... a little less formally.  Not as healthy, but not terrible.

But I've been getting up and unable to tolerate breakfast.  Like, eating it and then feeling sick.  Or, if really bad, actually getting sick.  Or just feeling sick enough that I'm either having to lie down or take whatever meds might possibly help.  (Oh, and in a side note, the new flavour of Gavisgon is nasty... and just makes things work.)

So it's been upsetting, because I have had no idea what's causing it and if it's stress, why is it worse in the mornings after I've slept?  So I've been sort of avoiding breakfast and having just one meal a day and, well, that's not ideal.

I've been trying to figure it out, but also just going ahead and taking pepto at night and then hoping I can get something down for breakfast.

I started to wonder if I was having too much dairy (it was identified as something my body doesn't love but not something I need to strictly avoid so I have lactose free milk, for example, but regular cheese, and I do fine) but I didn't think that was necessarily it, but I did start cutting down on the cheese for a bit.

Last night I was feeling pretty upset about it.  Not being able to eat without pain or nausea is pretty miserable, and it's been a while since I've had more than just a day of ouch.  So sometimes when my stomach is bad I just say screw it and eat something that's at least tasty so that the pain is "worth it" or something.... so I went and got myself a few scoops of the ice cream I've been having (because it was on sale) and... oh.  Ice cream.

Something I generally don't eat.  But got the other week as a "I'm sad and want a treat" and then they had a sale on it last week so I got more and man it's such a tasty treat to have a little Cherry Garcia at the end of a stressful day....

Ice cream.

Dairy.

A lot more dairy.

Damn.

So I'm going to have to find someone who wants most of a tub of ice cream or else I'm going to eat it and I'm now pretty darn sure that's what's been making my stomach so unhappy.  Tests to follow this week.. hopefully I'll be all better soon.

If less ice-creamy.

Sigh.

Realization

I just realized something.  Something Max related that I think might go a ways to explaining some of why I'm having a hard time getting un-stuck from him and us.

I was noodling about on reddit (as one does) and someone posted a little movie they'd made in the Burning Man subreddit.  It was, a little differently, a scripted movie set at Burning Man rather than a "look what I saw" video of someone's time at Burning Man.  But anyway, that's not really the point.

The point is, I was watching this video, this mini movie filmed back in 2013, and remembering all the things I saw that first year and the two protagonists in the story were figuring out some life choice stuff and they were doing so with love and respect and that's when it hit me.

What's happened with Max hurts a lot because it goes against so much of what I believe in and it goes against everything we shared there, and beyond.  For me, Burning Man is a place where you are safe to express your most loving self.  I don't necessarily mean sexually, put that aside for a moment it's a whole other story, I just mean you can express love in all its forms and it is generally welcomed (with consent.)

So the people I know at Burning Man I love.  As friends or good people or wonderful strangers, or amazing artists, whatever it is, there's so much sharing of love.  I hug people, say hello, make eye contact, hug strangers in the most meaningful way and exchange genuine expressions of love and affection.  And when Max and I met, it was all that.  There was this deep, abiding love that went beyond a sexual attraction and that was very genuine and real.  It was gentle and kind and felt so good I was willing to deal with the difficulty of a long distance relationship to keep someone in my life who was able to express and share that kind of love.  Someone who was free and open with their love and affection and someone with whom I shared an understanding of the importance of love and gentleness.

Or, so I thought.

Because to me, it's one thing for this relationship not to have worked.  I can understand that... ish.  I can understand whatever sat wrong for him or whatever didn't feel right or the distance or WHATEVER.  But what I can't understand is not continuing to be a presence of love in each others' lives.

I know you need space when you break up with someone, but I also know you can remain friends.  Jason and I are proof of that... it may be a little odd, but it can work.  And so to have either no interaction with Max or the latest interaction from him that has been not loving, not thoughtful, not any of the things he was when we were together, it feels wrong.

Maybe it was watching the couple in the movie that drove it home.  In their narrative, they'd been together and weren't anymore but were still in each others' lives in a loving, kind way.  I don't see why Max wouldn't want that for us.... I guess is what I'm sitting here wondering.

He even said it himself, when things were starting to be difficult with the distance... "maybe we could just be friends who see each other once in a while."  Why can't we have that kind of a "relationship"?  Why can't we see each other next burn and be able to hug and sit together and talk and catch up and it be friendly and kind and loving without needing to be anything more than that?

But I suppose that's the difficulty when you don't know someone very well, and I didn't get to know Max for long enough to know him very well... I don't know what is going on in his mind right now or why he's being the way he is or what he's feeling if anything.

I just don't see why it has to be this way when all we ever had together was very kind and loving.  I don't understand why it's so different now.

To me, that makes no sense at all.  Which is part of what's making this extra extra hard.

It shouldn't be this way.  At all.  We were only ever love, Max and I.  That may sound cheezy but it's true.  Our relationship was all about love.... we both felt it.  It and us were nothing but love and love and more love.  It was amazing.  Where did his go?

Ick, Gah!

I was tidying up my kitchen the other day, and even though it was still the middle of the afternoon, it was already dark enough that I could have turned on a light.  I didn't though, but now wish I had.

Because at one point, I put my finger on a speck of something to pick it up in order to flick it into the sink or something and when I lifted my finger, the speck flew away. 

GAH!

I immediately apologized to the little moth (no, actually I did, I yelled and then went "sorry, sorry!") and am hopeful I didn't... squish murder it or something but ugh, I did not like.

Clearly I shouldn't clean anymore, right?

Right.

Shhhhhhhh

Since some of you shared some of your favourite carols/versions of holiday songs, here's one I found in the last few years that I think it quite lovely. 

Simple.


Low-Silent Night

Uh...

So some other stuff has gone on with Max, stuff that has me shocked every time he shows himself in a very different light than the person I met and knew.

I'm trying to let go, I am, but I feel stuck on what was and who he was and how that all felt and the very very good I experienced.  People can tell me to move on as many times as they want, I'm not there yet.  I still wish it had all worked out and I wish things were different and I wish we were still going away together.

I also wish I understood what he was thinking and that there was an indication that we could at least be friends at some point in the future.

Outside of that, my last week was a bit better than some of the previous.  I've had a photo I put into a competition that's been accepted into the semi-finals so that was a nice email to get.  I had another two people interested in buying some art prints.

I also accidentally found Max's new dating profiles when I tried to google search one of his photos to show my brother.

That one stung.

So did a few other things he's done in the last few days.

I'm sure I'll be ok at some point, doesn't mean it doesn't all hurt right now though.

I got into a low funk this weekend, felt really heavy and draggy and low.  Felt a little less so yesterday and am hoping today's will be better too.

Our weather has been being rather weathery lately, and I still really love how freshly washed sheets feel.

You know?

Wow

Jason and I headed out yesterday to do some shooting.  It was good to get out and get some fresh air and hopefully I got some shots out of it too... we'll see.

The thing that really blew my mind, however, was when we got to our second location and I looked out across the ocean and the sky was turning to sunset colours.

This blew my mind, because it was 3:30.  It was nearly the end of the light for the day and it was still the middle of the damn day!

Seriously.  I know it's dark early right now and will be for another month or so but this was the first time I really remember seeing just how short the daylight time is.  And to think, we don't even live in a place that has actual lack of daylight or whatnot, I can't imagine getting even less daylight than we do right now.  NO LIKEY.

Maybe we should move Victoria closer to the equator.  Yes?  Anyone?

Breathe

One of the things I do like about this time of year is the music.

I think I've said it before but I like that there are songs that many of us know and can sing along to, and I like some of the spins people put on things.  I like the softness many of the songs talk about and I like the happy, upbeat jazzy feel of others.

So I thought I'd ask if any of you have a favourite song or two from this time of year that you'd like to share with me.  I'd be happy to add new favourites to my mental collection.

Any thoughts?

Man, Oh Man

I tell ya, whatever it is that's going on right now when it gets started?  It's brutal.

Like, right now, for me, there are things that I don't know how they are going to work out or when, and those things are concerning to me.

And as soon as I get that thought, or start to think hmm... I wonder when I'll hear about X and what if I don't hear about X by the time I need to and Y happens and I have to deal with that.... and then the thoughts just go.  They run.  And all of a sudden I'm dealing with panic.  Or what I think are the physical manifestations of panic.  And the only way I can really deal with this right now (seeing as there's often nothing I can do in that moment and even if there is I'm now no longer calm enough to do it) is to try to shut the thoughts down by saying I don't have to deal with them right now I'll deal with them another time.

And if I can get that in fast enough, and stop the panic from getting too far away from me, I can generally calm myself down enough to... function.  Not to feel good, but to cope.

But I have to also ignore the part of me that says you still will have to deal with this, you know.  Ignoring it right now isn't making it go away, it's just making you not have to deal with freaking out about it right now.

Because if I pay attention to that thought, it just fuels the panic.

I guess this is how anxiety freezes people.  Because the thoughts cascade so quickly and overwhelm you with racing and twisting and spinning and your body goes into flight or fright with the adrenaline and the heart racing and the breathing shallow and sometimes the shaking and upset stomach (if you haven't caught the thoughts in time) that you can't do anything helpful because it's rushed up on you and now you are just trying to stay relatively "calm".

Or... at least that's how I feel.  You can't do anything but cope and try to calm yourself down and then the idea of doing something is way too much.  It sucks.

I write this because I had a thought start to run away with me just a few minutes ago.  A financial thought that I don't want to talk about because even just typing that starts to bring back the feelings and I don't want to go there.

I hope things will work out.  I'm trying to trust they will work out.  And I'm also trying to control the thoughts that want to run away with me by telling me I don't know and that's bad.  And all the ways it might not work out.

Anxiety sucks.  And I'm grateful that it's not a bigger part of my life and that it's something I'm dealing with and learning to put away before it becomes a bigger part of my life. 

But I tell you.  Worrying is one thing.  This anxiety crap is a whole other.  I do not like anything about it. At all.

The end.

Nom, Nom, Nom, Groan

Let's see... what else is on my list of things to post about that I jotted down at some point this summer..... ahhhh yes... the food on the cruise.

I have been lucky enough to go on a holiday at an all-inclusive resort where the food is part of what you pay.  And I liked the food, generally buffet style and found I could always find something I could eat.  So I think this is about what I expected on the cruise we went on this August.

I asked my parents if they'd mind passing on to the cruise ... what do you call it, company?  To pass on to them that I can't eat gluten.  I'd read that they'd likely be able to work with that, one of the great things about celiac and gluten free becoming more well known and gluten free in general hitting the general public.

They handled it amazingly well.  Their menus all had gluten free options laid out and on top of that, my food was always checked over by my waiter.  (They followed us from dining place to dining place to ensure they knew what we liked and to be consistent with us.)  When we'd go for, say a sit down breakfast and give our room information, they'd know that one of us had a gluten free meal and would ask who it was.  They'd then, to my delight, ask if I wanted gluten free bread, or even one morning, donuts!  But that wasn't the only thing that I was pleasantly surprised by.

The food was delicious. 

It was beyond my expectations of "good buffet food" (although there was that too) and dove into the realm of the delicious.  And because I was on a cruise, quite possibly for the only time in my life, I decided I would try things I might not at an ordinary restaurant.  Like escargot!  And lobster (no, I'd never had it before, what?) And each dinner was four courses....appetizer, soup/salad, main, dessert and you could have more if you wanted, or, well, the meals all sounded so interesting I could hardly say no.

But a few days in, I started to feel... well, over-fed.  I started to have less at breakfast.  Or maybe just a snack around lunch.  But my stomach still wasn't thrilled with all the rich, delicious food.  It was a lot.  And it was a lot sort of all of a sudden.  I don't eat that much, and often I don't eat that well and to go from that to four course meals and all?  Groo.

So I had to take it easy food wise, and even once I got home (and then subsequently headed back on the road) my stomach was... not thrilled.

Perhaps if you eat rich food like that all the time you get used to it, but I think for me, a meal out now and then is doable, but the vacation equivalent of fancy meals out several days in a row is a bit much.

But the food, I do have to say, was beyond what I'd expected.  Well done cruise chefs and such.  I have no idea how they do it.

The Noisy Ones

The counsellor I'm working with right now to help me through all this, has had me working on identifying the different "voices" I hear running through my head and seeing when they're talking or running things.

It makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons, one being that we're warned about people who hear voices but I think if he was concerned for my mental health in a serious way we'd have talked about that by now.  Apparently this is normal and we all do this.  My voices that are currently running the show just aren't as helpful as I'd like I guess. 

Or that's the premise as I understand it.  Put simply.

Originally, I very easily identified two of the loudest, most persistent (and annoying and unhappy-making) voices as being one that was all about worry and anxiety and all is bad, and one that was all about you're doing this wrong and not good enough kind of feeling.  I started by giving them names and paying attention to when I noticed that those types of thoughts were taking over.  But a new one came to my attention this weekend and I hadn't realized just how insidious it is.

It's a story teller.

Now, that's not the same, I don't think as the part of me that tells stories here.  Or maybe the part that tells my life stories here is the positive part of that voice, but the part I mean is constantly running through my head what will happen.  And more than that, it's telling me what people will say, do and think.

I have conversations with people in my head where I think through what I'll say and how they'll respond and how I'll react to that and while this is happening I'm feeling it all.  Generally it's not good.  Generally the conversations I play out are upsetting in some way and then I'm upset.  Often that can spill into relationships, for example.  Like, I've run through a whole bunch of possible future scenarios of me seeing Max next Burning Man.  What would it be like if I camped with them.  How would it feel to see him.  Would I hug him?  What if I just waved hello and ignored him?  What might I say?  What was he saying to others?  What if he said this?  What if that.  What if I just went to visit their camp and stayed elsewhere.  What if I saw him.  What if I didn't want to see him.  What if no one else there wanted to see me.  What if I saw him with someone.  What if I was with someone.  What if we could kiss and make up?  Did I even want to? Do I trust him?  And on and on like this all the while it's feeling real.  It's feeling real emotionally and physically and I'm upset or stressed and then I go on a worry streak all because I've started seeing and talking through these stories in my mind.

I'll have a conversation with someone and think through all the ways it could be bad and I think I've always thought this helps me prepare or something.  But it feels now like I'm just upsetting myself.  Well, I mean, I know it's upsetting me, I just don't know that there's a positive to it.

So back to the whole "you have to identify and recognize it before you can change it" thing, I've felt really overwhelmed this past week or so "hearing" (recognizing/identifying) these different "voices" and trying to tell them to be quiet or to turn down their chatter or whatever.  It's a lot. 

And they all kind of talk over and on top of each other and meanwhile I don't even know what I, myself, think because I've been run by these voices' patterns for so long I don't know how much of my own voice I recognize.  Or hear.

Which means that I feel lost and frightened.

Those pushy, not positive thoughts in my head have at least gotten me this far in life.  Stable, safe, healthy, all that important, good stuff.  And... happy enough.

Which is the kicker. 

And maybe that's where my time with Max comes in.  Maybe the absolute happy I felt with him was so much more than "happy enough" that I came to really realize I didn't want to be just happy enough anymore.

Because like some of you have said, I have been changing.  I have been changing for a while, but I feel like there's been an extra push on that the last while.  Maybe instead of the frog slowly roasting to death in the water it didn't know had gotten hot maybe I've suddenly realized the pot I'm in is full of boiling hot water and I just have no idea how to get the hell out of it.

But yes.  Finding and listening to the voices in my head that have been running the show?  Is a lot of hard work.

I look forward to being on the other side of it.  Sooner, rather than later I hope.

FYI

Just so you know, the gash in my cheek is from gauging myself with my thumbnail when I pulled my blanket up cozier this morning.

Sigh.

November's End

I feel like I've forgotten how to blog.

This has been an extraordinary few months, from my pre-meeting-Max jitters and nerves to this year's Burning Man and meeting and falling in love with Max, and coming back and don't talk about work, but work, and things feeling like they were spiralling out of control emotionally and then physically and then work, and health and bad and then Max and as I look at the date I remind myself that most of this has happened over the span of a month or two.... September, October and then the aftermath and coping all through November.

I look ahead into December with something akin to dread.  This last week turned from dreary dark rainy days to bright, sunny cold days and I know seasonal affective disorder is a thing and man oh man if that sunshine doesn't help make it all feel that much better, but I know that there's no predicting what December will look like physically.  Weather wise.  But I also have a hard time with the push of Christmas and consumerism and forced togetherness and the semi-unconscious wildness that so many people seem to dive into.

And I have a hard time because I have a pattern of wanting to please.  And with family that can get complicated because now there are more people to consider and my brain gets twisty.  So going away for the week felt like a relief to not have to even try to navigate any gatherings.  And now I will possibly need to, again.

Never mind no one really wants to hear that I'd rather opt out of the season and I'm having to repeatedly shoot down thoughts in my head like "Max and I were going to go away this week.... and I'm sad that we're not."  It's easier for me to not dwell on those thoughts when people aren't asking me about my plans for Christmas. 

Not to mention the work I'm doing internally.  Which is overwhelming and tiring and like I can't see whatever progress might be being made but I don't know what else to do but keep trying... on the good days at least.

I'd like everything to go back to how I felt the week of Burning Man and the week or so after I came home.  Content.  Happy.  Calm.  In love.  Loved.  Hopeful. 

I guess I can remind myself that this too shall pass.  That it won't always be or feel like this.  That may not mean it's perfect again, or it may, but even the dark days of winter will start getting longer... eventually.

I'm lucky, I'm thankful, I've got support in all sorts of ways, I am safe, and healthy, I am richer in so many ways than so many people, I know this.  I am grateful for this.

I don't know where I'll be an equal amount of time from now.  Where I'll be come February.  Perhaps I'll make a mental note to myself to check back in with myself on Valentine's Day. 

Maybe nothing will have changed.  Maybe a few things.  Maybe a lot.  Maybe I'll still miss Max and I, maybe I'll have moved on.  Maybe I'll be somewhere in between. 

But, yeah.  I feel like I forget how to blog, and so I'm trying to sit down and write things.  Because I have eleventy billion or so posts that say I do know how, and I guess I just have to remind myself of that.

Or something.

You know?

Feeling Stationary

Counsellors and self-help books and the like are all very happy when you can recognize something... be aware of it, because it's that awareness, they say, that allows you to, at some future point, change the behaviour.

Ok.  Great.  Except it doesn't feel like progress at all.  It just feels the same.  Except possibly more hopeless because now you know what's going on or what you're doing or what's holding you back or whatever, now you KNOW but it's... still there.  It's till there and it feels like it's insurmountable.  That, or that the baby steps are going to take the rest of your life to make and, well, it feels like a whole lot of work for no feeling of progress.

Baby steps are small.

It's been cold lately.  Almost cold enough for wet snow, they thought for a while, but I don't mind the cold.  It means sunshine... brightness.  I like it.

That, and blankets and hot water bottles and, well, the sunshine.  I'll just keep going back to how much I love the sunny days of late.

Random, I know, but I don't know how to talk to you right now.  I don't know what to say or what not to say and sure, it's all change around here but still... I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. 

And yes, I miss Max.  And I miss Max being who he was. 

And Max is still going on the trip.

And that hurts.

Even though some would tell me it "shouldn't".

Well it does. 

Baby steps, baby steps, always with the baby steps.

Finally! And TMI

Had the last of my "November fillings" yesterday, and man am I happy to be done, even if it's only for a while.  (Knock on wood, for maybe ever would be nice!)

One of the things that happened one of the first times was that somewhere in the middle of it all I had to pee.  And I just kept hoping it would be over soon but man it was uncomfortable.

So each time now, I've been very... circumspect.  Ie.  made sure I went before I left, and when I got there.

Last filling, I made the mistake of having a big cup of "cleansing" tea in the morning and I ended up having to ask the assistant if I could pee mid way through setup and she said sure, no problem so it wasn't that big a deal even if I was frozen.

So yesterday, I made sure not to have tea in the morning (earlier appointment this time) and went before, and when I got there and figured I'd be fine.

Which I was... until.... mid way through when.. hmm.... uh oh.

I made it, it was fine, didn't become an emergency or anything but still.  WHY?????

I wondered for a minute if it's because this dentist uses a drill that uses water but... I doubt it, but still.  I do not need to feel like I have to pee when I'm already dealing with all the rest of what I'm dealing with!

My poor body! 

But anyway, hoping the "watch" spots he mentioned don't actually ever need fillings.  (Sigh... they probably will some day, but at least not today... right?)

And here's hoping no more peeing is necessary either!

At the dentist I mean... at home is fine.

Oh geez, I should just stop now.

Recovering

Bad weekend. 

Back soon.

A Picasso or A Garfunkel

So Anne asked the other day if I'd show any of the art pieces I've been making.

This one, I actually did a couple of weeks ago but I've been sitting on it (well, no, not literally, I just mean I haven't posted it anywhere) because I created it when I was feeling really really mad at Max, and titled it when I was really really mad at Max and I didn't want to post it anywhere he or someone he knows might see it because that felt somehow, to me, like I would be trying to send a message or seeking attention or something.  So I haven't shared it.

But I like it.

It looks so much better in person, this photo does it no justice at all, really...... I'm not just saying that.  But yeah... this is "The Amount I Hate You Is Inversely Proportional To The Amount I Love(d) You"

Yeah.  That.

It's actually fairly large, at 14x16 inches (the largest pad I have, which I bought in a "I'm sad so I'm going to shop at the art store even though I really can't afford it right now" spree.... I've had a few... sigh) and is pastel, acrylic and ink.

The pastels and ink mix really nicely texture wise so are probably something I'll use together again; ink being fairly new to me and something I discovered I love almost accidentally when I started to use an ink brush pen I'd not previously liked in an entirely new way.  Like a brush.  (Duh, I know.)

I bought some oil paints this week but haven't opened them yet and am telling myself I really should just return them and the specialized canvases and cleaner I bought too and just use the supplies I already have.  But I also feel a little embarrassed to go back to the store and return a bunch of stuff.  But oils are... tricky... and can be unhealthy and stuff so.... I should... like... not.

Sigh.

But, yeah, there you go Anne... an abstract random piece I made when I was having a particularly bad moment.

Not A Good Story

Last night, while I was reading my book in bed, an utterly unrelated memory came back to me.

I really have no idea why it came to mind, nothing I was reading had any triggers or reminders but I all of a sudden found myself thinking of the one time I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

Here's how I remember the events...

I'd gone out for drinks with my co-workers, and we were in a local, fun bar where you'd eat peanuts and chuck the shells on the floor.

In my mind, I'd had at most two beer.

I say this because I had had my beer or two and I needed to pee.

So I went up to the bathroom to pee and the next thing I knew, the paramedics were standing over me, asking me my name because I was on the floor in the bathroom stall where I'd been found and 911 had been called.

I was taken to the hospital and my stomach was pumped, or I was given charcoal, I don't remember and I kept insisting it must have been something I ate that made me so sick because I knew I hadn't had that much to drink.  My parents were called and came to pick me up and I think they were horrified that I'd drank myself into this state and I was pretty embarrassed by the whole thing and I think I just tried to put it away and not think about it.

It came up a number of years later when someone asked if anyone had ever been in an ambulance.  I said that yes, I had, but I didn't know exactly why and that's when someone asked if I thought something had been put into my drink.

I..... hadn't thought of that.  It wasn't something that was talked about at the time this happened, and it wasn't something that I knew anything about at the time so I always just thought that I'd eaten something bad or something.

But last night, when I started thinking about it again, I got quite upset.

I got upset because I really don't know what happened.

I think I had a beer or two. And even if I hadn't, even if I'd had more, I've never in my life drank so much I've blacked out.  I've had so much to drink that I've started to feel sick and had to throw up, sure.  I've had so much to drink that I've misplaced things (keys, ID) but never have I had so much that I lost consciousness.

Did I have way too much to drink and just not remember?  I suppose it's possible.  Maybe we did shots or something and I don't remember that and the shots kicked in from the time I got up to go to the bathroom and hit me that fast?  Maybe.  Maybe I just drank badly and it hit me and I thought I was going to be sick, lowered myself to the ground to throw up and then passed out?  I don't know.

But what if someone put something in my drink with the intent of doing harm?  What if my going to go pee is what saved me from something far worse than being embarrassed for having to be taken to the hospital for "drinking too much"?

The truth of it is, I'll never know.

I'll never know if I did it to myself or someone else did it to me and I'll just have to be thankful that nothing bad happened to me and that I was taken care of and yeah....

Odd what the brain comes up with out of seemingly nowhere, eh?

Whew

I'm writing this quite happily (technically last night as I'm setting it to post in the morning) after yet another filling at the dentist.

I'm happy because, first of all I like this dentist so much better than my old one and I didn't dislike my old one but man oh man.  This guy, the needle didn't make me cry or even particularly hurt, and then he keeps checking in on how I'm doing during all the procedure.  And he really notices things like maybe pulling on the side of my cheek and says, hey, sorry about the pulling on the side of your cheek, are you ok there?  It's awesome.  So I feel like he actually cares and is aware that it can be uncomfortable and on top of that is trying to make it less so.

And I'm happy because this particular freezing didn't affect my tongue so I still feel normal!  And can eat!  And drink!  And everything!

And it didn't hurt!  So yay! 

Turns out this filling took longer than he'd hoped (he wasn't sure if it was a cavity or a "stain"? from the metal filling) so he didn't do the two he's planned on so I have yet another filling appointment next week.

Which makes it one a week all of this month.  Which is not too terribly cool, but hey, I'm really really glad it's not worse.

He's not too sure what's happening, ie if it's my bite or poor flossing (he doesn't think so, says my oral hygiene is good) or old (or possibly not so awesomely done) fillings that have lost their seal and allowed bacteria to come in underneath them.  Sigh.  Here I was thinking fillings were... permanent.  But no... they're not.

So kids?  Brush and floss and do it more than you think you need to.  After every meal would be best.  And if you're like C-Dawg who has never had a cavity, count yourself very very lucky and brush and floss anyway. 

Seriously.

But, yeah.  This filling?  Not so bad man.  HURRAY!!!!

Dude

I was just here typing a message out to my brother when I realized how weird typing is.

Like.... my fingers are doing something without me having to think about it and they're making words.  It's... not entirely conscious, like I'm not thinking about where my fingers should go they just know.

I took typing in high school, my Mom "made" me (is how I remember it... could have been she just strongly suggested it) and it was not the most fun course ever but man if I'm not glad I did it.  I'm a pretty fast typer.  But still... it's weird.

Look... my fingers made these words!  Kind of all by themselves!  Although the more I think about it the harder it ends up being to do it properly because they get all weird like I'm watching them.

One of my favourite things to do to freak people out is to keep typing as I turn to listen to them and have a conversation with them and they're like HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

Magic, my friends....magic.

*wiggles fingers*

Yeah, Not...Really

Yeah, no I'm not really back back... I mean, I'm exhausted and my mind is all over the place with everything and I'm totally out of the particular habit that is writing this way and here and I don't feel like I'm in any sort of a groove with it.  Or much of anything for that matter.

Part of that is all the whatever I'm not talking about and the space that's put me in.  I suppose I could keep it vague and just say that I'm questioning a lot of things right now.  And it's an unsettling feeling.  And I'm not openly talking about much of what's going on.  Sure, there are a couple of key people who are aware and yes, I'm talking to a counsellor type person but in general, this all is being kept close to my vest... chest... whatever the saying is.

Which is fine in some ways, but also sort of feels tight.  That makes sense in my head.  Like I'm keeping it all in a box because it's easier that way but I'm also a little bit in that box myself because of it.

Everything's weird and I'm day by day on keeping myself in a decent headspace and looking beyond maybe a week ahead pretty much just results in panic.  Or upset at least.  Overwhelm.

Still don't have the faintest idea what was running through Max's head.  Or what next summer will end up looking or feeling like.

And work.  Not talking about work (don't talk about work) but it's... yeah.  It's a lot of what's going on right now.

That, and wanting to change decades of mental, emotional training, habits and patterns.

Which is incredibly tiring in and of itself.  Never mind the rest of it.

It would have been delightful to still have had a Christmas holiday to look forward to.

But, really... not thinking about that today.  Too much upset gets brought up with that, I'm just saying.  Something nice to look forward to would be perfect right now.  You know?

Right, Monday

Right, hi, blog.  Forgot?

No, didn't forget, just other stuff got in my way and then I... didn't.  So will try.  This week.

Effort. 

Hi.

Look, It's A Baby Deer Butt

I've tried, I really have, to take time in those neutral or positive moments to sit and write but it seems whenever I have the time and inclination to write all I am is angry or whiny or sad and I just don't want to be writing that sh*t down right now.

I've been painting a lot.  Creating.  I have other things going on that I still haven't talked about here.  Hint... I don't talk about work.... hint.... I may have to.

I watched the Fear of the Walking Dead. (Spin off... prequel to The Walking Dead) Liked it.  But, as often happens when an entire season is out, now I miss the characters.  Had a dream about two of them last night.  Go figure.  Brain wants to know more.  Short season too.  British style.

The gentleman who bought a print of my art this summer (assuming I mentioned that?) wants to buy another so I should actually stop typing and go find a shipping container... tube... thing.

Finding myself needing a balance between resting and distracting myself from what's going on and dealing with it as best I can.  And trying to be gentle with myself.

Some days are better than others.  As are some moments.

I found a good enough moment here for this. 

Hope you have great weekends.

Eleventh

It's Remembrance Day, time to pause and remember those who chose to serve and those who gave their live in that service. 

I wish conflict didn't exist, but it does, and people choose to stand for what they feel is right.

Dentally Speaking

So the dentist.  I've talked about it before (although when I tried to type in a search for "dentist" it took me three tries to spell it properly.  Go figure, thanks brain.) but yeah, it's not exactly my most favourite thing.

My new dentist, however, is good and I'm glad I made the change.

I bring this up because yesterday was the second in three visits I'll be making to the dentist this month alone, all to deal with fillings, which, I know I've been told there are worse things than fillings, so I'm trying to be grateful and thankful.  And I am... that I'm able to have my teeth taken care of.  This is really just whining, I suppose.

When I met this new dentist, I told him that the needles (for freezing) is the part I really don't like.  I don't have a fear of needles or anything, but getting that freezing always hurts, and seems to go on hurting forever, and then you get all weirdly numb and it feels like your tongue is the size of a grapefruit and then you're frozen for the rest of the day and can't swallow or chew right and then the needle spot often hurts for days after, more than the work that was done, so the needles part of the dental work?  Not my favourite.

So I mentioned to him that that was my worst part and he started trying to make it better.

Like yesterday, he asked me again, so it's the needle that's your worst part, eh?  And I said yes, it was.  (That and the breathing...) And so he now, when he's putting in a needle, goes super slowly, which is a mixed blessing, but in the end makes it hurt less, even if it feels like he's taking hours to put the freezing in.  But he also asks.  He asks how I'm doing and instead of just suffering through, I grunt if I'm not ok. And you know what he does?  He changes position slightly so I'm more comfortable.  It... blows my mind.  And yesterday?  The second needle he put in?  I didn't feel at all.  I mean, I knew he was there and doing it and all that but there was no pain with it and no discomfort.  It was like a small miracle.

I guess I wonder now if I could have had the needles hurt less if I'd indicated to other dentists that they were hurting.  Maybe just small adjustments from them would have stopped me from having the pain and the tears of previous needles, I don't know.  But now that I know that this new dentist is able to give needles that at least hurt less?  And maybe sometimes even aren't all that uncomfortable?  Well, that's something that I hope can continue, and it brings me relief.

I realized yesterday, that the other part of having the dental work done that I don't like is the... breathing... for lack of a better term.

Because when my mouth is frozen and half my tongue is frozen and football sized, I can't tell how much saliva is in my mouth.  And sometimes it feels like I'm choking.  Or am going to.  And that can make me feel a little panicky.  That and if the bib is too tight, or the mouth guard dam thing is too close to my nose or there are things up against my neck, I don't like that panicky feeling.  And in the past I've always just sat there and tried to suffer through.  This new dentist?  I'm trying to deal with it... I can't explain the details of how, but I just feel like it's going better.  They fold the dental dam way better so it's nowhere near my nose... they don't even use latex at all so I'm not dealing with irritation from that.  They ask how I'm doing, tell me how to indicate if I need suction, and maybe they even tip my chair back less, I don't know. 

I'm not saying it's fun.  Or that I'm happy about having three fillings three weeks in a row.  The day or five after aren't fun either but.... hey... at least we're dealing with things and hopefully can start to figure out why I keep getting cavities.  This dentist is wondering if I'm breaking them with biting too hard (I secretly think I may have to give up popcorn) and grinding (I know I do, and wear a thing at night for it) or if I'm missing with my flossing.  Which... I really do think I do well, or at least decently with my oral hygiene. 

So, yeah.  I guess I just wanted to make a metaphor of sorts that you don't have to suffer through things.  Like I did with my old dentist and needles for years.  Saying "ouch" or "I don't like that" might not change anything, but it might.  And it might make the suffering a lot less, or even stop.  You don't have to be tough and suffer through discomfort and pain.

Not just dentally speaking.

Monday

I don't want to talk about it.

Right now at least.

I think after the last week, my brain needs, or wants a break from thinking about it.

Or maybe just today.

No, I haven't spoken to him, no I don't plan on speaking to him, no I don't know what I'm going to do about anything relating to him.  Not even the flights.  Or next summer.  Or anything in between.

I just, right this minute, need a mental break from the ups and downs and everything in between of the last week of thinking about it.

Which means I have to figure out how to say something, or else this page will just remain stagnant.

I should probably get on that.

No Thanks

I've been somewhat ok this week but yesterday and today I've woken up pretty unhappy.

I'm going to blame it on hormones (those once a month ones) because that makes me feel like I at least won't feel this horrible forever and it'll pass soon enough.

So that's what I'm telling myself this morning, that it's maybe just an extra rough few days, not an indication of how I'm going to feel all of next week or month or anything like that.

The Dwarves of Feeling - Angry

As I said, I keep cycling through different emotions and feelings about Max and his choice to end things.

When I read about it or sit to think or talk about it I'm generally hurt and sad, but when it's a little less close, one of the things I'll feel is angry, or mad.

And it's a funny one (when I'm not in it, when I'm in it, it's not funny at all) because I don't really know where I think I'm going with it.  I just get angry that he's done this and I get filled with this "well, I'll show him!" kind of feeling.

Show him, what, exactly, I'm not sure but I'll show him.

I had a vision of showing up at his camp next year and somehow proving to EVERYONE there that he's a big liar because he's not as nice as he says he is because if he was actually nice he'd not have told me whatever it is he told me and see?  You guys shouldn't like him because he'll break your heart too.

Well.... except, I mean... he didn't break my heart exactly, because I still actually love him and so it's not really easy to be mad at him and ok, so he didn't break my heart he just really really disappointed me and so you guys shouldn't let him smile at you and give you a hug because he might not actually mean it.  Yeah.  That!  I'll go... make them not like him.

Because then... uh.... because then he'll feel bad for hurting me... yeah... that.

Ok, so when I'm not RIGHT IN the anger, it actually makes no sense and when I'm right in the anger it's not something I want to write down and post online to be there forever but I do go through times of feeling angry.

Angry that he seems to be letting past hurts get in the way of what we had and could have had and wanted to have. 

Angry that he didn't try harder and angry if I feel that he gave up because I never give up.  So, angry that he's not me?

Angry that he's doesn't want to make this work when it was so good.

Angry at all the things he said and the plans he made that he has now taken away.

Angry that he got mad at me for getting upset and asking for support and consideration and yet he got upset and ended things.  How is that fair.

Angry that it's not fair.

Angry that this seems to have little to do with me and yet I still feel like if I'd been more perfect, or less... whatever, things would be how they were.

Angry that I now have to deal with Christmas and not getting away and the financial blowback from that.  Angry that that whole wonderful trip that was planned out and talked about and looked forward to got taken away for reasons I still don't really understand.

Angry that he kept saying he wanted to be supportive of me in whatever way he could and then... wasn't.

Angry that I now feel like I have to question what he said.

Angry that this is distracting me from what's going on in my life and the things I need to deal with right now.

Angry when I see him being happy and normal on social media (the curse of modern sanity and mental health) when I feel like he should be as miserable as he claimed to be when he broke things off.  (Even though I don't air my upset on social media either... other than this space, not on FB or the like....who said anger had to be rational?)

Angry that I bought a new suitcase for a trip I'm not going on anymore.  I really wanted to go on that trip.  Not to go, but for us to go together.  It hurts to think of why he wanted to do this trip; all the reasons and that whatever has come up for him around this relationship has taken all that away.

Angry that I cared and that seems to have been taken for granted.  Or something.  Rejected I guess, when I know it's good and true.

I know and understand that anger is a secondary emotion.  That this is actually about the hurt... the sadness.  I know this.

My anger towards Max is fairly short lived, and I'm wiser than to act on it (or at least have been so far... and don't expect that to change) but it's there, and it's not enjoyable and it doesn't make me feel any better except for a brief, fleeting moment.

Hi

I'm ok.

I mean, I'm not but I am.  You know?

I keep cycling through different feelings and emotions and some of them are a whole lot harder than others.  But I think the really hard ones are getting a bit fewer and farther between.

That or I'm just getting better at distracting myself.

But, yeah, I'm ok.  Ok enough. 

Depends on the moment, really.  Will try and wait for a good one to write some more.

Thanks for the hugs and kind words.  They help.