Just A Day Or Two

I'm going to be honest with you.  The current state of the world and the health concerns that are happening have distracted me so entirely this week that I think I only barely noticed the time change.

The first day, the Sunday of the time change was brutal.  Jason even mentioned how poorly I was doing it as he saw me that morning.  I got up actually early (no real reason, I just was awake so got up) and it was of course way earlier than usual and my body just doesn't do well with that physically.  I won't detail the symptoms, but they happen any time I have to get up early (for a flight or an event or anything) and so yeah, Sunday was bad.

I've also had a few evenings of the dinner time confusion where my brain/stomach don't process how "late" it is because of how light out it is and well, that will just take time to get used to.  As always.

But yeah.  I'm struggling with managing my anxiety amidst all that's going on out there and so things have been tougher this week than in a while.

Hard to find a balance of cautious vs going on with life.  Like... I think I'm going to avoid the gym/pool for a while?  But I'm not happy about that.  And it could be over reactive or it could be smart and depending on whose opinion I ask I get a different story, so it sucks.

I'm stressed to think there may be a long while of this being what's going on and talked about and something I/we have to deal with.  The Doomsday scenarios that some are spouting are killing me, and I'm really going to have to try to figure out a way to get through all this sanity intact or else it's going to be beyond miserable.  I hate it.

But yeah.  Time change got a little bit overshadowed.  Er.... shrug?

I Feel Betrayed

So, swim caps.

Until recently, I had never in my life worn a swim cap.

If I was swimming and getting my hair wet, it was often in a place where I was then sitting next to the water in the sun and letting my hair dry.  Or, when I was a kid, I probably just didn't care.  Or I would swim and avoid getting my hair wet because it's long and thick and washing it and drying it can be annoying.

Because I'm having shoulder issues (again, another post) I'm not swimming "for real".  But I am swimming on my back sometimes (without using arms) and so I wanted to keep my hair out of the water, so I used a swim cap that was given to me and my hair got wet and I was like dang, that must have been a cheap swim cap I was given, so I researched and bought one specifically for long hair and I wore it, and MY HAIR GOT WET!

WHAT?????

I wondered if I'd screwed up somehow, and so when I got home I googled it and you guys?  Swim caps don't keep your hair dry.  I HAD NO IDEA!!!!

I mean, yes, I'm aware that people who swim for real wear swim caps for speed, but lord that is not me, so I genuinely thought that if you weren't going for streamlined speed, you were wearing one to keep your hair dry.  I WAS WRONG!

Google has since told me that other than for aerodynamic reasons, you wear a swim cap to keep your long hair out of the filters, and to let *less* chlorinated (or whatevered) water get to your hair but that yeah, no, not at all about keeping your hair dry.

I can not tell you how confused I was by this information.  Swim caps don't keep your damn hair dry y'all.

There are some days where I come out of a swim where, maybe because I put my bun up higher or something unknown to me, my hair is less damp than other days but yeah, most of the time I come out of a swim, having done some time on my back and I have a clump of wet hair up in a bun that then needs washed anyway and so to be honest, some days I find myself adjusting my hair washing schedule according to my potential swim schedule because I'm going to have to deal with my hair after a swim anyway!!!

But, yes, one of the other things I bought to support my swimming was a good swim cap.  Even though it doesn't do what I genuinely thought it was meant to do.

Genre

One of the things I did on a whim was start watching shows at the gym.

I don't know how I realized it but I discovered you can download a show onto the Netflix app on your phone, so I figured I'd give it a try.  Once I used up the show I'd been binging on, I downloaded one of those "Netflix recommends" shows that I wasn't all that interested in but figured I'd give it a try and worst case pick something new the next day.

Turns out I enjoyed this show but because I was "only allowed" to watch it at the gym, I would get home some nights and wish I could watch it but... nope, gym only!

Then I discovered some other shows by the same author/writer and so I started watching that at home.  And then the shows kind of started to muddle together a little because I watched a third, while still watching the first at the gym and they all were British and similar crime/drama type shows and for a little while my brain was like wait, I thought he was with her, no, that's the other show entirely, whoops!

Now Netflix is showing me all kinds of British crime type shows which I find kind of funny but I also don't mind as they're usually pretty well done.

But, yeah, having a "gym show" is kind of cool, and can help make the time go a bit faster, yay!

Years In The Making

Let me back up a bit...

If we remember, in January of last year my brother discovered some heart issues and cardiologists suggested I needed to watch out for a few things myself.

The big things they suggest changing (and really, all of us could/would benefit from these) are diet and exercise.  For me specifically it is to watch sugar, starch and carbs, and to up exercise.

I'm waiting to talk to a Nutritionist just to clarify a few things as what might be best for heart disease may not be best for prediabetes and so it's a little confusing. But I'm trying to reduce sugar and increase good things and watch others.

In terms of exercise, I've been working at getting myself back to the gym.  It has been less than wonderful in a few ways, most notably, certain parts of my body not wanting to do anything and so causing pain. 

So now that we've caught up a bit, it's time for me to talk about the pool, and swimming.

I talked about it a bit here, but I have sort of wanted to and meant to try swimming for a long time but have had a lot of .... "issues?" with it.  Back in January I made the big leap forward to reduce some pool fears and then at some point after that I actually got into the pool for a swim.

It was, for me, a really big deal.

Swimming is something that practitioners have suggested I do for ages as it can be easier on the body than some other forms of exercise.  And when I started to up my cardio, I'd get little injuries here and there and I didn't want to be set back by them but I also didn't want to make them chronic or serious so I wanted to throw swimming in there as a cardio option and so I did.

Now, I'm not like everyone, but I do know myself a bit better these days so I made sure I was comfortable and that meant me getting some things before I hit the pool.  It was a little bit of an expense, but has made the process easier for me so I'm glad I did it.

I got swim type shoes for walking around the pool (and not having to go barefoot), I got a "wet bag" to carry wet stuff home in, and after my first attempt at showering with soap, I got some liquid soap and a poofy shower thing and, I also got a swim cap but that's a whole other story let me tell you!!!

But yeah.  I've been getting myself into the pool and I'm really proud of myself for that.  I did have to kind of push myself the first few times but it actually helped a bit to have an "injured" hip or knee or whatever it was because I couldn't do the bike or the treadmill but still wanted cardio.

Not that swimming hasn't caused some pain itself and some issues around realizing I have no swim skills anymore and can't even breathe "properly", but I'm making it work.  And that's what counts.

I have noticed some improvement.  I wish I'd written it down but I swear the first few times I'd go in I'd get to one end, rest for a bit and then get to the other end and rest for a bit whereas now I'm not resting for the time I'm in there.  It's just weird because I swear it doesn't feel like I'm exercising or even getting my heart rate up, probably because I'm not warm or seeing/feeling sweat in the water, but when I stop and feel my pulse it's certainly not at rest so... I must be getting some activity, right?

Door Open

I have a little note pad on my table where I write down reminders of things I'd like to post about.  It's usually helpful but as I'm sure I've mentioned before, every once in a while..... not so much.

Like now. 

I reached over and grabbed the pad to find something to write about and looking over my notes I found "door open".

Door open.

Door open?

I have absolutely NO idea what I was talking about or what story that might be talking about.  Not a clue!

There was an open door?  The door was open?  Which door?  I've sat for a few minutes thinking.... my car door?  Did it get left open lately?  Nope.  My apartment door?  Nope.  Did someone open a door for me?  Maybe?  But if so, I have no idea who or where or why it was of note?

I'm not crossing it out (I cross out a reminder once I've written about it) because, well, I clearly haven't written about it and maybe some day "Door open" will make sense again!

I mean beyond the literal meanings of the words obviously....

Tick, Tick, Tick

If I'm honest, and if you've been here more than a while, we both know that this time change, like ALL the time changes will likely mess me up enough that I'll end up whining about it here because, well, yeah, it generally really throws me. 

Which means, if I can sit myself down and write some posts today (Sunday), we can have a week free of time change posts! So, I'm trying, we shall see how the day goes.... considering it's already "later" than it might be and all that jazz.

*Shakes fist at sky cuz ....ugh.*

An article came out this week that Yukon has decided this will be the final time change and it makes me slightly hopeful that we could be coming closer to no more ourselves.  But from what I've heard we're waiting on the States below us and, well I figure this is an endless domino effect that may not have a starting push for a while.  Sigh.

So, yeah, happy time change I guess.  Hope it goes ok for you! (And me, please!!!)

Go Marching

I realized the other day that as things warm, it's likely that the mini ants may try to make their way into my apartment again.

I think I managed to keep them away last year by watching for the early scouts and, um, making them not alive anymore and then wiping down where I thought they might have left a scent trail... if that's a thing?

I mean I'd be super happy if they just didn't bother at all this year but, hey... Spring brings its own set of things to deal with, just like every season seems to.

Blank. Just.... Blank

I have a list of things I want to talk about or can talk about but I'm visiting friends right now and so that list is at home and I have been staring at a blank screen on and off for two hours now.  Not kidding!

I'm partly distracted by their television as I don't typically write with any noise in the background and I actually had to turn down the volume to even write this much.

So... um, yeah.... a non post but at least the page isn't totally blank anymore, yay! 

Erm...

Obligatory I AM NOT A DOCTOR so don't listen to me.... but it seems I kind of bought into the current virus frenzy.

I heard from a friend in Hong Kong that their stores ran low on toilet paper and then I heard this weekend that a big box store here was low and so I looked at my supply of t.p. and while it wasn't terribly low.... I went and bought some anyway!  I mean, it was on sale so no harm no foul but I actually started laughing at the check out because the man in front of me was buying two packs and several packages of wet ones ("antibacterial" wipes) and the lady behind me was buying several packs of toilet paper and when I mentioned it to my brother he said "ewwww, does the virus come with gastrointestinal stuff too?"  Nope!  I guess it's just people concerned about getting quarantined and running out of toilet paper?  I legit don't know!

I mean, this is kind of an icky thing to say but if you ran out of t.p. .... um, there are other ways to deal with... things?  Maybe not as easy or normal but still!

Annnnyway.... again, I don't want to downplay anything because I'm not an expert and I'd hate to laugh it off and be wrong, but, I also wasn't on social media the last few times we've had this kind of an illness so I have no idea if this .... reaction (dare I say hype?) is unusual or what?

I'll end by saying I hope we all stay well, from all the things that could get us sick at this (and all other) time(s) of year. 

So, yeah... I'm good for toilet paper for a while, um, yay?

Well, That Was Weird

There must have been something off about that post I made yesterday that flipped my brain because I spent nearly half of Monday (yesterday) thinking it was Tuesday.  And not just thinking but like... for sure knowing kind of thinking?

As in, I searched probably four times to find out what had happened on a show that airs on Mondays.  And each time I was confused that it was... Monday?  When the day before had already been Monday?  But... does that mean it's Monday?

So, yeah... it was a weird day.  Repeat or no.

Ah!

Ah, so it's a Monday you want, is it?  Well then... a Monday you shall have!

And so... it was Monday.  And people did Monday things in Monday ways.

And I, I realized it was no longer Sunday and so my time of sitting and hammering out some posts had passed.  And so here we are.  On a Monday, with no posts in hand and a good number of days until the weekend returned.

Oh, and just in case you needed *next* Monday to be icky...ickier?  We have a time change coming!  TA DA!

Twenty Ninth

Happy Leap Day!

Time and calendars are weird, eh?

Also, bye bye February.  Go figure!  Have a great weekend lovelies!

Ok!

Ok, so I've met my next boyfriend.  It just happened to be in a dream, so I just have to figure out how to replicate the dream, right?

Right.

So, in the dream, I went over to C-Dawg's house even though she was at work (it wasn't her actual house).  She had one of those camera doorbells (she doesn't) and so I made funny faces at the doorbell and was leaving.  I stopped at the little display she has (she doesn't) because she'd left a note for me that said "here, have a candy cane" and so as I was taking out the candy cane this car full of people came down the driveway.

They all jumped out very loud and rambunctious and kind of tried to pretend kidnap me but they thought I was C-Dawg so I had to explain that I wasn't but that if they were playing this fun joke (someone had hired them to do this hilarious thing, like an escape room or something I dunno!) they could wait til she got home.

One of them said he'd wait with me and he was this cute slightly red headed guy and he had a nice smile and all that and so we walked down to the food carts (there aren't any) and we were chatting away and it was really nice and he seemed a little nervous but he asked me if I'd maybe like to go out sometime and I said I totally would!  And then I found paper and pen in my purse (I do have that!) and I wrote out my phone number (for calling) and my cell phone (for texting) and then I sort of half woke up but he seemed like a really nice guy and we really got along well and, well, yay!

So, yeah... just kind of have to make a whole lot of things that aren't actually things happen so I can meet this guy!  Ta da!

You Will NOT Remember!

Oh man, I have GOT to stop "writing" blog posts while I'm in bed at night and being *certain* that I'll remember the thoughts in the morning.  Because guess what?  I don't!

I mean, every so often I do which is probably why I keep attempting to just remember but more often than not, I don't stop to write it down and then in the morning?  Gone.  Bye bye.  Nope!

Sigh.

I do even have paper and pen in a drawer next to my bed but I'm often just on the edge of sleepy and comfortable and to get it out and write it down would wake me up "too much" and who wants that, eh?

Le sigh.

But yeah, I really should stop thinking I'll "for sure remember this in the morning!"

Slip Sliding Away

I was noticing the other day how easily I think my mind could slip into even worse anxiety based situations if I didn't pay attention and stop it.

Let me explain...

I know there are many forms and types of anxiety based illnesses, and I am incredibly grateful not only to be seeing improvement with mine, but also that I do not have some of the issues that others do. 

Like, I have a friend whose mother has struggled with agoraphobia all her life. (Often struggling with difficulty leaving the house, etc.)  (My friend was telling me how different her life has been since they found some medication that works and this is wonderful.)  I was at the gym the other day, mindlessly plodding away on the treadmill when I had the following train of thought...

A loud noise happened.  It shook the floor a little (probably someone dropping some big weight?)  I thought to myself "I wonder how this building would do in an earthquake?"  And then I watched as my brain started to try to barrel down that train of thought.... would it be ok to be caught in an earthquake here?  Probably because it's a community building?  But what if I was at the store when one happened?  Or walking home?  And if the earthquake happened here, I don't have my keys on me, so how would I eventually get back into my apartment and what if it was gone and I don't have a cell phone charger and -

And that's when *I* stopped myself.

Like.... no.  Not going to follow that train of thought.  Because I could.  And I know that the very anxious parts or aspects of me would very possibly start ramping up and as I thought about those thoughts and the process I realized how "easy" it would be to stop wanting to leave the house.

I could see how people get to that point, you know?  Just a thought followed by a thought followed by some brain chemistry followed by some physical symptoms likely set off by the chemistry and the thoughts and all of a sudden outside is not a safe place to be and then how do you get yourself out of that....

So, yeah.  I have been learning to watch my thoughts and stop them from running too far away and a lot of other things that I won't try to oversimplify.  But it was interesting, and somewhat humbling and frightening,  to feel some empathy for folks who have struggles I feel fortunate and grateful not to have.

Wait.... Are We The Baddies?

Jason has a friend who is a really good looking fellow.

I mean like... yeah.  *giggle*

I've met this guy a few times and he always seems nice... and, um, hot!  Ahem.

So... anyway.  Jason was at an event the other weekend and ran into this guy and Jason texted me "Hey, so and so says to say hi!"

I literally giggled.

Like, no, really.  Like a little teenaged school girl who just had her crush smile at her in the hallway.  I.  Giggled.

Jason called me the next day and said that this guy had asked how I was and when Jason mentioned "we just need to find her a good guy" apparently hot guy was surprised I am single and asked Jason if he'd ever "have a chance" and Jason was like "dude, you're a super hot guy, duh!"  To, which, apparently good looking guy blushed, which, AWWWWWWWW!  *Giggle*

So then I had this bizarre to me conversation with Jason where I was like, but.. me?  He... what?  Me?  But he's super hot!  To which Jason replied, um, Victoria?  All my guy friends think YOU are hot.  And I was like, what?  Are they all drunk?

Later that same week a friend send me a photo from a party from a loooooong time ago.  Like, probably just after actual teenage high school girl years!  She asked me if I recognized any of the guys in the picture and I was like NOPE.  But damn... I was pretty.  I had no idea.  And it was this really really weird moment of knowing that was me in the photo, and not having had any idea that I was attractive at that time.

And then my brain did one of those things they make fun of in movies where it went... hey... if you can objectively see that you USED to be attractive... that means you very likely still are now?  And that that guy you think is good looking probably might maybe have kind of a point?

I mean... I know that it's all relative and what's attractive here isn't there and that you get to know someone and their heart and soul make them gorgeous but all that aside.... similar to the silly skit I referenced in the title of this post... Am I un-ugly?

(No, I mean, really.  I went through most of my "formative years" thinking I was unattractive.  Plain at best.  Now that I look at old photos I wonder how different my life might have been had I had any sense of how wrong those inner thoughts were.)

Grump. Sigh.

It's Sunday morning as I type this and I have a blah.

I was woken around 5am by heavy rain and while I thought about just getting up then, I made an effort to sleep more, and unfortunately when I decided to get out of bed a few hours later, it seems some grumpiness had crept in.

I get frustrated at my own self sometimes, although I try not to... and so I'm sitting here irritated at my irritation.  Like, I feel annoyed at the things I have to do next week (this week) and it frustrates me that I can't *just* enjoy a Sunday with nothing to do.  And the things I have to do this week aren't all that bad and won't take up every moment of every day so why do they feel so imposing and grumpy making?

I suppose it could be in part that they're not really things I look forward to.  A visit to the doctor and a physio for example are both things that make me uncomfortable in different ways.  I can't even remember what the other things coming up this week are, just that my Sunday morning has started off with some sort of grumpy resentment that I have to do anything.  Which... you know, life?  Sigh.

I've often had a hard time on Sundays and I know I'm not the only one... but it's still hard to feel like an entire "day off" can be tainted by the "not days off" to come. 

This too shall pass, I have to assume, and I figure my Sunday will get better as it goes on.  The sun's coming up as I finish off this babbling, so that's nice, and I'll remind myself (ahem) that there may be a hormonal portion to the extra grumps today (I'm not a "pre" "PMS" person, I'm a "during" person... go figure)  So... onwards and upwards, or something like that and hey, maybe this physio will help fix my shoulder and I'll get better sleeps and that can only help my mood, so maybe yay?

Awwww Man!

So, first world non problem for sure, but a whole lot of bands/musicians that I really like and would really like to see have all announced tours for this year and put their tickets on sale this month.

And I?  Just can't afford it.

I've already bought tickets for James Taylor here in town, and to go see Roger Waters in Vancouver.  Now, a Vancouver trip means a lot more money, not just for the tickets, but for the travel and accommodations.  Sure, I could bug friends or family but I'd really not feel comfortable with that, so hotel it is, and man oh man that can get pricey, especially if you want to stay in the core and you're during the "season".

Sigh.

So, I'm saving up VISA points to pay for the Roger Waters travel stuff and I was like, ok, that'll be my splurge for this year.

And then.... Rage Against the Machine announced.  In Vancouver.  Damn.

I actually did try for tickets but couldn't justify the cost (knowing I am already going over for R.W.)  Bummed me out though, I'd like to see what they're like live...

And then?  Dave Matthews Band announced.  In Vancouver.  DOUBLE DAMN.

I've seen Dave Matthews solo and he was amazing, so I'm a little less disappointed, but still... if these folks were coming here I would for sure be going, damn the cost.  But I can't justify multiple ferry trips and overnight stays, and yes, I know there are ways to do it less expensively but I also am not 20 anymore (slept on the floor for a Vancouver concert once... shared a bed with friends another time... no more... well certainly not the floor part!  Ouch.)

So, yeah.  I'm really hoping that no one else I want to see announces a 2020 tour cuz I'm already tapped out, yo!

Phew

Well, I don't know what made me log on to my banking, but I'm glad I did.  Seems somehow I didn't pre set my VISA bill this month, which I always always do.  I hope I caught it in time to miss any late fees, and I'm confused as to what happened, but I'll put it down to human (my) error and be glad I caught it (by accident!)

So, thanks to whatever part of my brain or universe sent me to do that, eh?

Spring?

Well, I'm no meteorologist, but ever since we had our "big" snowfall last month it's kind of felt like that was the only Winter we were going to get.  Like, I think we've had maybe a couple of cold snaps (including a little one the last day or two) and that one snow and ever since then it's been pretty mild.  Wet, sure, but, dare I say it... it feels like we had snow and then Spring?

I know we have blossoms early here, it's part of our "thing".  And some years we have photos of snow on those blossoms but this year it just feels... done?

Plus, I look at the calendar and we're more than mid way through February.  Even with an extra day added.  And yes, I have occasionally seen snow in March, or even, I swear, in April, but those are more novelty snows than anything, like a blip in the atmosphere rather than actual Winter weather.

I'm not saying it's sunshine and lollipops or anything, just more that I feel like we may not be getting another big freeze, maybe just some more of the chill we've had this week.  And probably not any more snow, and it's nearly March, and, well, I was just sitting here thinking that soon enough I won't need the extra layers and gloves and hot water bottles.

I guess it's been a bit of a weird February....

A Real Nowhere Man

I feel like I keep bumping up against things that upset me that are age related.

Like, I don't want to call them "mid life crises" because that would imply I'm mid way through my life, and well, I don't want to think that.... not until I'm 60 or something (sigh).... Anyway...

I mean there's the whole aspect of not really knowing when you might die, so my life might not be half over, it might be ending in a week, or many decades from now, but I'm kind of off topic at this point, I certainly am not all that young anymore (read: I'm not 20-something anymore... even though so many 20-somethings seem to feel "it's all over" when... so... not) and I think the fact that I keep aging and am dealing with an aging body and people around me are having birthdays with numbers that cause my brain to go "huh?" I keep thinking about all the things I'm not going to be doing in this lifetime.

Like, things that take twenty years to develop or figure out.  I can probably pull off one of those, maybe two, but not seven, or ten.  I can't live all the lifestyles I see out there.  I can't be a rockstar anymore.  Or get scouted by a modelling agency (there was a part of me as a kid that thought I'd get scouted in a mall... no idea why, I've never been tall... or particularly thin...)  I'm not going to be one of the girls on The Bachelor or be a social media influencer.  And I'm not saying these are things I value highly or even things that I want to do or have happen, there's just this feeling of sadness and sometimes something close to panic that I can't. 

I can't be a rich couple who gallivants around the world being beautiful and rich.  I can't write a hit song and make a documentary about the last ten years of my career.  I can't be an established actor, or author.  I can't start and run a biodiverse organic farm.  And I know you can probably look at the things I've written and you can say "sure you can!" but I can't.  Not all of them.  Likely not any of them.  There are so many worlds and lives that I just can't do, or be.  Astronaut?  Nope. 

Some of these "missed" things are body-health related.  There are definitely some things that are best for younger bodies... so careers as surf legends and BMX jumper are out.  Some of these things are money related.  I want to be able to jet down to Mexico to watch Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds and go to all the concerts I want to and then still afford some exotic vacation and yeah, sure throw Burning Man in there too.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to make my van drivable again.  And to camp.  Whenever.  To just have more freedom financially is one thing but so many things I'd like to try or do don't seem likely to be within a range of money I expect to have.  Maybe ever.

Own a home?  Doubtful, but maybe?  But man would I ever love (in theory) to be working on my garden, planning for Spring, eating my own... food that I grew.  And I know, grass is always greener... there are folks who own homes and gardens who are like OMG SO ANNOYING AND TIME CONSUMING AND EXPENSIVE and I get it, I do, but I am feeling the loss of so many things lately.

I even sometimes find myself wishing I could be pregnant.  To know what that's like, and what it's like to have a child, and that's a whole kettle of worms and I don't want to get into it because it's a lot, but still... it's one of many things right now that I feel sadness and anxiety around not being able to do, probably ever.

Existential anxiety I suppose.  Mid life crisis upset, sure. 

I just see that there is so much life out there to be had and to be tried and I feel all sorts of not so happy ways about that.

Oh, Right

Well, it turns out today is that (relatively) new holiday here.... "Family Day"  Turns out it's a holiday in a few provinces and actually a Federal US holiday too so.... there you go I guess?  Doesn't mean everyone has the day off of course, but lots do and so I hope they have a happy day.  Kinda nice when you have these holidays with no expectations of gifts or buying or meal making or anything at all really.  Some folks are taking time to go see their family, which is sweet, and a nice use of a day off.

I don't have plans.... at least not that I know of!  I did have a nice moment yesterday though when I realized it was a long weekend so that was nice.

So, have a happy Monday or a happy Family Day or a happy... whatever is going on by the time you read this day!

Ballytimes!

Happy Ballytimes day!  Will you be my Valentine?

Gotta Laugh, To Keep Myself From Crying

So over the last couple of years both of my shoulders (more "arm", "upper arm" than the "shoulder ball", but shoulder is easier to say) have done gone brokend.

Right as I was finally getting some improvement with the right, the left went.  Slightly different area but generally the same thing.  It's major major pain when activated, and lack of ability to move in certain ways or do certain things.  (Physios are constantly mystified btw)  Including sleep.

As in... for a year or so, I was unable to lay on my right side.  And now, just to even things out, I'm sometimes unable to lay on my left side.  And sometimes said left side wakes me up in the middle of the night which omg no please stop.

Some nights are worse than others for reasons I've yet to figure out, and on Friday night I was ready for sleep, and I rolled over onto my left and nope, ouch!  So I rolled over onto my right and something in my back tweaked and it was like nope, ouch!  And then I started laughing.

I was laughing, in part, because it was Friday night so I knew I didn't have to "get up" the next morning (a Saturday) so getting to sleep wasn't as desperate as on a weekday but it was also like... really?  I can't... move at all?  I have to lie still and silent on my back to get any sleep, are you serious right now?

I must have fallen asleep eventually, and at some point my back must have eased up because I remember being on my right side but man... as if sleep isn't tricky enough sometimes, eh?

For A Change

I've had dreams of Burning Man this week.  Which isn't a huge surprise as I've been talking about it more this week as ticket information recently came out.

Both of these dreams were a little different for me though as usually my Burning Man dreams are "stress" dreams - I've not packed, I'm running late, my parents are there and hate it.  And my usual Burning Man dreams don't usually happen *at* Burning Man, but at some other random place... in a field, on a boat, in a carnival... etc.

These dreams were also happy.  Which is unusual.  In the first, I had decided to go at the last minute (I'm 99% decided *not* to go this year) and I hadn't sold my ticket (weird) and so I threw my stuff in my car (my poor car!) and was having the best time, so excited on my drive down.  I was almost at the place on the drive where I lose cell reception (the last three or so hours) and I realized I didn't know which of my friends might be there, since I hadn't planned on going.  So I, in the dream, texted one particular friend to find out where I might be able to see her.  And then the dream was IN Burning Man and it was hot and dusty and yeah.  Happy.

The next one was the night after and it involved my family.  I was explaining to my parents (who were fairly happy, sitting on lawn chairs watching things... in a place that was kind of Burning Man but also a little not) that if they took their car to the DMV they could probably get a disabled sticker (as my Dad had a disabled placard post heart surgery) and so they could drive out to see the art (since they weren't biking or walking). Then my brother was there and I was telling him that his kids could come since kids under 12 are free and just need a "kid's ticket" and then I woke up.

So I guess it was nice to have non-miserable Burning Man dreams for a change?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

The Sun came out this weekend, most notably on Saturday, and I feel like everyone took a giant sigh of relief.

Our January was dark and wet.  Broke records I believe.  There were floods, and other negative things, but I have hope that a wet Winter may bring us a smoke-free Summer so... no complaints from me.

But even I recognized the mood boost that sunny day brought.  I've said it before, but I really don't know if folks who live in stereotypically-always-sunny places feel the same way about sun.  For us?  It's glorious.

Everything feels better.  I know I'm happier, and I swear others are too.  People flock outdoors.  I mean, we're a pretty outdoor city anyway but on the sunny days it's crazy.  I had friends who were topless gardening, and lying outside (under blankets) just to soak in the rays.

I think I smiled a lot more as I was out there walking, soaking it in, literally.

We were meant to have a week of sun, but the forecast seems to have shifted... as they do, but here's hoping for another glorious sunny Winter day again soon!

By Osmosis I Assume

There was a meme I came across this weekend that was of a map of the USA and as the story went, a
"random German guy" tried to label all the states and the result was cute/funny.

Which got me thinking.... I wonder how many US States *I* can name, being a directly neighbouring country and all, and so I sat down and tried to write out how many US states I could think of (without cheating).  A few came right away (including 2 territories - go figure) and for a lot of them I'd end up thinking of a "big city" I'd heard of and trying to remember what State it was in.  There were some that I wrote to the side as I was pretty sure they weren't actual States, but... maybe? 

I got to 36 before I ran out of steam, and you know what?  I think that's pretty darn good!  36 out of 50, for someone who doesn't live in the country?  I'll take it!

I told some of my American friends this and they laughed (good-naturedly I assume!) and then talked about their schooling and I then wondered how many US presidents I could name and I got to 15 (Including some I'd heard about but couldn't name like "Guy who build dam" [Hoover] and "Guy with mustache" [Roosevelt].   All of these names I've really only ever picked up through either paying attention to news over the years (ugh) or mildly through history, or through tv shows or movies.  And then I kind of embarrassingly remembered that I wasn't sure I could remember as many Canadian Prime Ministers (or BC Premiers for that matter) and I realized we as Canadians really are exposed to an awful lot of American media up here. 

I didn't ask my American friends how many Canadian "States" (Provinces/Territories) or Prime Ministers they could name, because well, it wasn't about that, and I know that there isn't the same presence of Canadian tv/movies/media down there.

But what a funny thing, to know "so much" about a country that's not even yours.

Stomping My Feet

This is whiny, and I know it's whiny, but I am frustrated and going to whine. 

I've been working on my "health-lifestyle" changes for a couple of weeks now.

I've been denying myself what I want to eat (sugar, carbs, snacks) and making sure I get exercise and more cardio.  I'm not loving the experience.

And I haven't lost any weight.  Not at all. 

I'm super annoyed and frustrated by this.

And before you shrug and say that that's not the point of exercising and eating healthy, I know it's not, but that's part of what I am supposed to do - lose 5%-10% of my current weight.  And I really thought that after what feels like a lot of effort I would have maybe a pound's loss to show for it.  Maybe two! But nothing?  At all?  Feels really really unfair and is not helping my mood or motivation and so I'm stomping my feet and whining about it here.

Sigh.

Boo.

Ugh.

Labels And Names

It's been a few years now since I was initially diagnosed (???) by my doctor.  And I think I wrote about it at some point, but she diagnosed me with a good chunk of things and that's the information that went off to... uh... I don't actually know?  I assume it went off to someone at some point?  But anyway... it's been a while is the point I was vaguely hacking away at.

I bring this up because that doctor retired, so I don't have her opinion on what might have changed, because I'm pretty sure things have changed.

Like, yes, I'm kind of low these days and I think "winter blues" is part of that, but I don't think I would be considered clinically depressed anymore.  I for sure get slumps, and low days and times of depression I think?  But not the way it was.  Cool.

And with the anxiety (anxieties???) I know that's still there, but it's shifted a little and I have more breathing room most of the time.  I think I even said to a counsellor type that my panic attacks weren't quite a long or as devastating as they were.  But they're still there.  And I still struggle with a lot of things I am not used to struggling with, and I still struggle with things that I would really rather not.

I bring this up because I feel like my old doctor might have done a 'retest' for lack of a better term.  A re-assessment to see where I'm at.  I guess I could go do some online quizzes or something but it's more sort of a general wondering... what's still getting to me... where am I still really struggling.  What labels and names might have been erased from the top of my file... and what is still there.

I dunno man, this is still all pretty weird, you know?





Update:  I wrote this post and then went and did some online screenings and I'm a little bummed that I still hit all of the markers for most of the anxiety disorders/issues my doctor initially listed.  Sigh.

Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy?????

Why are papercuts some of the nastiest, meanest, hardest to heal cuts? 

Like, I know I've googled this before and gotten an answer but I'm typing this with a half destroyed right hand because of a paper cut I have NO IDEA where it came from and what I can only assume is a metal paper cut (do you know what I mean?) and I'm going to have to bandaid them and they're all red and angry and how?  Why?

My poor little fingies... just trying to do their thing!

Sunny Days Help Though

I'm not happy right now.  And I genuinely hope that it's an "at the moment of typing this" or "today" kind of thing rather than something that spreads.  Because ugh.

I could also say "low level of panic" right now, but that's kind of something that maybe doesn't translate well to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  I don't know.

The food/health/exercise thing is probably stressing me more than it might.  I mean, some people are in similar health situations and don't even know it.  Or some are and aren't doing anything at all about it.  Friends this weekend reminded me to take it easy on myself and not be so black and white "need to do it perfectly" about it all, which logically... sure ...ha...ha.... ha.  sigh.

But the reality of it for me right now is I'm confused and I'm scared.  I'm scared of a stroke, or heart attack, or ending up with diabetes and needing insulin and maybe none of those things will happen.  Maybe none of those things would happen even if I changed nothing at all.  Maybe those things would happen anyway.  It's just that now they've been drawn to my attention.  Or my attention has been drawn to them.  And dealing with anxiety (my anxiety anyway) when it catches on to something takes an awful lot of effort.  (Or at least it seems like it does, perhaps there are "easier" ways I just haven't found yet.)  And that becomes tiring or draining.

And I'm not sure I'm actually giving my body enough nutrients/food right now, it's hard to know.  Because food is even more of a mystery than it used to be.  And the things I've relied on are, well, snacks and some meals... and snacks aren't really a thing for me anymore.

If I didn't mention it last week, there is a massive amount of information out there about the "right thing" to do and unfortunately they all approach at a slightly different angle and so far I've just been overwhelmed rather than guided.  So really, at this point, all I know is.... cut out sugar -which I've done to a large extent... the obvious stuff anyway, and reduce carbs.  Which I've also done, but not eliminated.  But hey, if you have noticed over the years I'm not exactly a whiz in the kitchen.  Nor am I confident or comfortable with foods and cooking and... all..... of..... the...... things.

I've been mad, I've been sad, I've been... whatever else and I think now I'm just mainly a combination of determined, lost and confused.  (Probably with a little bit of not wanting to deal with it all thrown in there too)

Almost A Whoops

Yesterday morning my alarm went off and I was so asleep at the time and not wanting to get up that I rolled over and turned the damn thing off.

I remember thinking that I didn't *need* to get up early and that I really really wanted to stay asleep.

So I went back to sleep.  Ahhhh.  And then an hour or so later my alarm went off again!  What?

I was genuinely confused.  Very very confused.  And I hit snooze and stared at the time on the alarm and was still confused.  It was still early.  But... I'd turned my alarm off?  So why was it going off again?

I lay there for a while, in part to figure it out and in part because I remembered I did have to be up anyway, not that I would have slept through it but it might have made my getting ready more hassled.  And as I lay there sort of half waking up I realized I'd probably hit snooze rather than turning it off and that what felt like an hour was only nine minutes.

So... um.... whoops?  Almost?

Hang On, It's February?

Well damn... February already?  Geez... this month just started I thought!  (Even though most of the internet seemed to say January went on forever... go figure!)

Anyway, I'm not really here about that, I just noticed when I hit on the publish date that it said "1" and I was like... woah.

I'm here to tell you how amazing buying a new pair of runners is!!!

I can not honestly tell you the last time I got new runners which tells me it's been a long time.  A year?  No, probably more like two?  Three?  I just never felt I could justify it when I was hardly using them and while money is so tight.

But my feet have been hurting and with me starting to get back to the gym and my folks giving me a bit of cash as a gift I thought it was time I invested in a new pair and OMG you guys?  I had NO IDEA how blah my old runners were until I put on the new runners and it was night and day.

Like honestly.  My old runners felt cushioned compared to my usual boots, but my new runners compared to my old runners?  AMAZING!

And then I felt really guilty for my feet and legs and who knows what else that had been hurting probably in part because of worn out shoes.

I know they're expensive.  I know that.  But now I've also been reminded how different (and dare I say important) it is to have a good, new(er) pair. 

Crazy.

The Bumpy Path Part The Second

I've been trying to get to the gym for a long while now.  If you've been around here a while, you know it has always been a part of my life and health choices.  It got difficult post vehicle accident, but I persisted.  I had a hard time getting there when my mental health became unwell.  I worked with personal trainers for a while but that was hard to include in my limited budget, and since I last worked with one, I've not been into a gym.... at all?

It's something I've talked with counsellors about and tried tried tried to work towards with limited success.  It's been a source of frustration and self-unkindness for ages, which is not helpful, in case you thought it was.  I did keep up with regular "exercise", just not anything at the gym or anything I'd call significant cardio.  But certainly enough to keep me moving, and getting in some steps/activity.

I think it was around six weeks ago that I got myself back into the gym.  It was a combination of wanting to, and then thinking about my friend who has had recent surgery for her cancer and who is unable to do any physical activity at all right now and who would LOVE TO.  And I sat there one night and thought "I can go to the gym and I don't.  She would love to go to the gym and can't.  I should while I can."  So I did.

I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't talk about it because I didn't want to get any external validation.  I wanted to be doing it for me and me alone.  After I'd made it there a few times, I mentioned it to Jason to see if he had any advice for me on the stationary bike as he spent time when he was younger on a cycling team.

He had me try the "proper" way of cycling and man was it hard on my legs and cardio and oh my!  But then also oh my.... because I think I pulled something.  I'm assuming hip flexor?  And once that thing was pulled/hurt/injured it was hard to do anything... it would even get irritated when I used the treadmill, especially with any incline.

So... I booked a physio appointment (next week I think?) and I iced the area (helped a lot) and I stopped cycling, and I took advil type things and I rested the thing and now it's not bad.  But I'm going to wait to see what the physio says (I'm sure it's an issue of "other areas are weak, so we'll strengthen them) and go from there.

I also really worked on psyching myself up for some different cardio.... but that's a whole separate thing.  I'll get to it soon.  Probably?

But yeah.... it's frustrating to be trying to work with a body that's been lax for a number of years, and that is older than it was and that seems determined to hurt in not good ways right now.  Because I want to be blasting the bad stuff out of my body with nasty cardio (I hate cardio!) but I do not want to injure myself so... am taking it easy.... which is not the ideal, but sure is better than nothing, right?

Bumpy Path

So when my brother had his heart stuff last year, I went to my doctor and had her do some testing for my own heart (since my brother's issue, him being young, was likely genetic rather than mainly/fully lifestyle).  My cholesterol came back elevated, but not outrageously so, and so I worked on making some changes, mainly trying to eat better.

I tried to just really eat a lot healthier and better and to reduce my sugar intake (WAAAAH!) and watch salt and up veg... you know, sensible sort of changes.  I also tried to pay attention to the types of fats I was eating, but man is there a lot of cross-information out there and a lot of "armchair experts".

When I got the blood work results for this cardiology thing I saw that I had indicators for what they call "pre diabetes" which, like I said the other day, in simplified terms mean that if nothing changes on my end, my likelihood of developing Type 2 Diabetes is very very high.  So I was pretty upset about that.

When you mention diabetes to people (or pre-diabetes in this case) the automatic answer is usually "no more sugar!"  But I've also had several folks talk about Intermittent Fasting and the Ketogenic diet.  Well, intermittent fasting I've already been doing.  And I learned about Keto a couple of years ago, and it apparently has really strong positive changes for some folks.  But.... I think, in this case, my priority is likely to become my heart health and my cholesterol and much of the Keto diet (heavy protein and high fat) is not likely to be a super great idea for that.

So since I got my results back, I've been focussing on looking for carbohydrates in things and, of course, thinking about reducing my sugar.  I told myself that the day I had the meeting with the cardiologist would be my cut off day for "ridiculous sugar intake"  and so, yes, I've had a few Cadbury creme eggs this month (since a few stores have brought them in already!)

When I talked to the cardiologist, he said to watch sugar, carbohydrates, and starch.  Which is, I say half jokingly and half devastated, like... everything!  He said to stick to proteins and green veg.  "Fill your plate piled up with green veg!" he said and, well.... sigh.

When I started looking into eating better for pre-diabetic reasons, I started looking again (because it's not new to me) at the glycemic index, which the internet would like me to tell you is the "relative ranking of carbohydrate in foods according to how they affect blood glucose levels."  And so remember all my sorrow over hashbrowns not being as healthy as I thought?  And then finding healthy ones?  Well, it turns out potatoes are on the no fly list.... so.... yeah.  There goes a lot of things I've always really enjoyed.

Damn.

I think I'm going to ask if I can be referred to a Dietician/Nutritionist type person because I am SO not a food expert and really not great with food and I'm feeling like trying to figure this all out right now is a lot.  Nevermind my food issues and oh, shall we throw in the gluten thing as well?  Not that it's as huge a deal right now because a lot of things that might have gluten in them (like delicious delicious bread) are no go.

Sigh.

So, yeah, I right now feel like I have no solid idea of what to eat and if what I'm trying to adjust to is actually good or not or good for one thing but not for another or what.  And I still really want to eat all the treats and sugars and hey, did you know that slightly green bananas (which I've always preferred) have less... uh... sugars (?) in them than over ripe bananas? 

Sigh.

Eat a cream egg for me, would ya?  (And maybe a donut, for some reason?  Never been a huge donut person but now I'm like GIMME, probably because I "can't" have one... thanks brain!)

Bang Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When we had the snow the other week, the day that lots of things were closed because of it (the overnight dump of a foot or so), I was chilling on my couch when I heard someone turn on the water.

It's something you get used to in an apartment, or at least I have, but you hear the running water of your neighbours.  I think I really only hear my upstairs neighbours but who knows.

So someone turned on the water full force to take, I assume a shower. 

And the shower was loud, and long.

Really long, actually.

As in, an hour or two later I started to wonder what was going on.

I put my ear to walls.  I went out into the hallway.

I even, eventually wandered the entire building but the running water noise was really only on our end/side.

After most of the day of this I started texting people... "uh... what does a broken pipe sound like?"  And most everyone said it was probably not a broken pipe, but that I should check for water around my place anyway.  So I did, and no, my apartment was fine.  No leaks to be seen.  Plus no change in my water pressure that I could notice and I still had heat and water.  But.... the water was still fully running... somewhere.  What should/could I do?

I sent a message to the manager person "hey, I know it's not a good day for this and I'm no expert but... maybe there's a broken pipe?"  I saw a few neighbours in the hallway who weren't concerned, but the ones above me had also noticed it and figured it was maybe the boiler working overtime in the cold?

Manager person got back to me about an hour later "yes, broken pipe, we're dealing with it." so I guess now I know what a pipe breaking sounds like?

It was an "outside" pipe that I guess wasn't winterized and I have no idea where all that water went or what it actually looks like when a pipe bursts and now that I think about it I think I'm going to go google that!

But yeah... it wasn't my neighbour having an all day shower... it was a burst pipe.  There you go!

The Heart Of The Matter

I tried searching for it with no results, so I guess (like I wondered yesterday) I never talked about my brother's health.... issue?  scare?  problem? last year.

Just over a year ago, I got a call that my brother was in the hospital.  He'd been having chest pains while exercising for a while and figured he should probably get checked out.  So he wisely did, and they ran some tests, found he had a pretty blocked artery and they put in some stents.  He was floored and devastated and shaken up but also glad to have caught things before a heart attack.  Especially as he'd had a friend die of a heart attack about ten years ago...

He's fine now, by the way.  Changed up his diet and working with a cardiologist and feeling and looking well.  But my brother is young, not yet fifty, and so he's considered "very young" to have this kind of thing happen, and so they suggested he be part of a study and that his family was welcome to as well as they'd like to figure out what genetic factors might have caused his issues.  So I signed up to participate and I just had my phone consultation with them last week.

Turns out my results (bloodwork type stuff) weren't... awesome and so they're going to send me for more testing and I'm to change my diet and exercise and if results come back one way we'll apparently take an "aggressive approach" and to be honest that's not really something you ever want a doctor/specialist to say. 

I've been working on diet and exercise anyway, but now there's a more serious need for it and it sort of feels like an "ok, not kidding anymore" kind of thing.  Sugar's going to be the most significant change for me of course, but it's also the most obvious, while the rest of the eating changes are actually going to be harder to figure out.... and in terms of exercising... well, my biggest issue these last few months has been easing into it so as not to pull .... all of the things! and end up injured and hobbled.  I'm telling myself it's ok to be slow right now.  That I can't go zero-sixty and so shouldn't expect hard core cardio sessions right now.  That right now it's about building habits and routines and building up strength and working muscles and ligaments and things that haven't done anything in ages and ages and not not not getting injured and sidelined.

But... yeah... I have indicators that I'm pre-diabetic (so make changes or the likelihood of developing Diabetes is very high) and I have indicators that I may have some form of heart disease and a likelihood of developing... uh... bad stuff?  (They're going to check for how much plaque build up I have in my arteries and go from there... sigh)  I'm not happy.  But I saw my blood test results a few weeks ago so I suspected this was coming and I've been trying to adjust since. 

I thought I was fine after the consult with the cardiologist but I ended up pretty miserable and overwhelmed that night.  That feeling comes and goes, and figuring out things around how and what to eat is overwhelming me right now, so I'm trying to be easy on myself (it's ok to be slowly adjusting, not going cold turkey overnight to some new thing I don't even understand) and I'm hoping it'll all end up being really good and easy and that I'll maybe even start feeling better as a side product.

It also makes me wonder how many people are walking around not knowing what might be going on in their bodies that they could change or should change, because I am not the stereotypical "hugely overweight, sedentary, smokes a pack a day and drinks pop all day" kind of person we usually think of as having these health concerns.  But hey, genetics gonna do what they gonna do, you know?

Mid

I turned a five this year.  (And yes, that means I have a January birthday, not that I'm weird with math and forgot it's only the start of a year!)  And although I purposely never mentioned my age when I started this blog, I'm mentioning this particular birthday because I think I realize I might be one of those people who is more impacted by "five" birthdays than by "zero" birthdays. 

Like, I remember when I was little, and I think I've talked about this before, but I remember thinking that by the time I was twenty five I'd be married with a kid or two.  That was the age that seemed like "grown up stuff".  And then I turned twenty five and had a bit of a freakout because I wasn't married and no kids and, well, I was scared of how old I was with "nothing to show for it" so it's like I had what some folks seem to have at fifty (?) at half of that.  And after that no other birthdays have upset me in the same way.... I think?  But it feels like with this one I'm determined.  Like, ok, I'm halfway through a decade here (even though everyone else is all like yay 2020, new decade!) and in five more years I will be (?)0 (30? 40? 50? 60? 70?  Y'all, what if I'm a 75 year old blogger right now?  Nice!)

It possibly also has something to do with my best friend being diagnosed with cancer, and Jason and my brother both getting very sick last year (not sure I talked about both of those....) and realizing that we're all aging, and that health can't be taken for granted anymore (not that it ever should have been) and so while it's less of a "now or never" kind of feeling it's more like a... ok, now.  What have I got to lose anymore?

Maybe it's nothing to do with having a birthday at all and just the confluence of things going on around me right now and where I'm at mentally and all of it, but whatever the reason it's here and I'm going with it.

Grump. Ugh

I keep waking up in not so good moods lately.  Like, grumpy, or sad, or anxious, or in the case of one day last week, utterly furiously mad.  It's not fun!

I can probably put it down in part to not feeling like I have much to look forward to these days, as well as some specific things stressing me out.  And "winter blues" as they call them... those too.

Jason mentioned the other day that he knows I've been depressed since Christmas and I sort of went "huh?  I have?"  but I suppose that's not too far of a stretch.  It was a hard one this year with the family stuff I only half mentioned, and I haven't taken the time to really process it or deal with it or even really talk to anyone about it.  (Although when I mention it to friends they all nod and say "yeah, it's hard isn't it?" so I know it's not just a me thing....)

I do try to beat those blue mornings when they come but damn if it isn't an icky way to start the day.  And if, heaven forbid, I have a poor sleep on top of that?  Well then we best just call it a day and not interact with any other humans because no one needs to deal with that!  Not even me!

Sigh.  *Knock on wood*  for good sleeps and happy, or at least neutral, mornings.

Last Week

So last week it snowed.  And more than just a skiff, which, to be honest, was all I was expecting at first, but then all the weather sites I checked started saying the same thing (and not just copying Environment Canada) and I thought hmmm, maybe it will actually snow!

And then it snowed a little.  And then they said hey, we're getting some more and we did.  I figure a foot overnight.  And I won't get into how little that seems to the rest of Canada and the States that get Snow (tm) I'll just say it was pretty and I enjoyed it and it kind of shut down the city for most of a day. 

I was happy to have the cold weather gear I have invested in over the years, including the snow boots I do not have any memory of buying but am glad I did!

I'd still like to get something with slightly better traction, I do have some things I can slip on the bottom of my regular boots but they're not as grippy as I'd like, so I ended up using the snow boots for the actual deep snow day and my hiking boots for the rest of it.  And, if I may gripe a bit, walking on the sidewalks wasn't much fun.  And even less fun once the temperatures warmed up a bit and things started melting. 

The snow's gone now, as of yesterday morning.  Other than the piles made by shovels and plows... they'll stick around a while making us all think it's Spring, when really, we're only just a month in to Winter!

I went out on the first small snow day and made sure I had.... you know, essentials!  (Foods that I didn't need but wanted and regular food for normal eating!)  As I said to one of the ladies at a checkout "if we're going to have weather, we may as well have chocolate!"  Because, am I right or am I right?  Heh.

So it was a quiet week and the snow's gone now and we're back to mild and rainy and I wonder if we'll get another snow this Winter.... we shall see!

Yep

We sure did get snow.  About a foot!  Or... about 30 cm.  Crazy!  I got woken up by a snow plow in the middle of the night and then I watched him box in a few cars, oh dear...

It warmed up yesterday but now they're calling for major wind (last night) so.....

Stay warm and safe I guess if you're in these parts?

I've been quite happy to have had things cancelled and wander the neighbourhood and then come back into my cozy place. 

Whoopsies

So I'm typing this last night (and posting it this morning...) and as I'm typing this it's been snowing most of today and all of this evening.

I went out to take a look and enjoy it and I took a couple of phone photos and a video and then I walked down the street and saw some cool icicles on a car and the pretty snow in the light and the snow against a tree and I took photos of all of those things, my one hand out of my mittens and I stuck my phone back in my pocket when a snowflake landed right on the lens!

When I got inside to see how my photos had turned out, I was only slightly embarrassed to see I'd not taken a series of photos but a weird video of said icicle and then me grunting to stand back up and swinging the camera up at the light and back around at the tree and whoops!  Turns out I was on video that whole time!!!

So, um, yeah.... no icicle photos for me! Heh.

(Also I have no idea how much will have fallen overnight so by the time this post gets posted it might be a snow day, who knows.... although they're calling for rain today so probably not!)

Sner

So, yeah, um, it snowed.

Which... super pretty of course.  I do love watching it fall.

But also, man, snow in this town is hard to deal with.  Mostly, in my view, because we don't get it enough for folks to be set up for it the way they kind of should be.

Like, I actually felt unsafe walking around yesterday because what snow fell overnight got either driven on (road) or walked on (sidewalk) and then that turned to ice.... because that's what happens most of the time with our snow falls.  And then there was a skiff of snow on top of that so it's like hidden black ice.  Which is frustrating to try to walk on.  But the people who salted or cleared their sidewalks make it totally fine... it's the icy parts that are difficult to deal with.

I've been lucky in that I've not needed to drive so far (we'll see how today and tonight goes) so that's a huge weight off, but when I was walking yesterday I actually felt like I might have been safer as the roads were pretty clear (for the most part) but the sidewalks were iffy. 

Anyway... I'm whining and complaining a little but it was one of those snowfalls... enough to be a bit of a bother, plus some melting and freezing to add that bonus ice that honestly does kind of suck.

I miss the days of giant dumpings that are just... snow snow and snow.  Those, combined with a couple of cold sunny days after are lovely.  But... still.  It's pretty, and likely short lived.  And rare.  Sorry if I sound extra whiny to those of you who deal with it for months at a time!  We just really suck at it in this town.... and I say that lovingly as someone who isn't "from" here... sigh.

Such A Weird Brain!

So I had a dream last night that I was out this morning clearing the snow from the sidewalks because Hey it snowed!!!! (in real life!!!) and because or building manager rarely does and someone reminded me last night that it's technically the law to do so for your building/home.  So, yeah, in this dream, I was out with this shovel brush (which I don't own in reality) and no, I'm not sure if it was a shovel or a brush, it was a dream magic tool and I cleared the sidewalks yay me! 

But as I was coming in, my building manager (woman) and another woman who was, in the dream, another manager and a man (also a building manager in the dream) were being escorted out of the building, the two ladies hadn't had time to put their tops on and all three of them looked rather disheveled and I was like OMG they were having sex?????

So, yeah... that's a dream that happened, I can't even?!

And yeah, it snowed and is pretty damn cold here today, and we shall see what the day brings weather and safety wise!

YOU GUYS!!!!

Look what I found!!!

They really do exist!  And now I have the giggles and a full belly.

Full Circle I Suppose?

I had to smile the other day when I realized I'd turned into my mother.  Or, at least, I'd said something I've heard my mother say come out of my mouth!

All the books I'm interested in at the library have long waiting lists of holds on them, so I dropped off some books and did a quick wander into the YA section looking to see if one of the last in a series I was waiting for might just magically have been there (knowing that was unlikely but still... a gal can dream!) and I saw a book by an author I've read before and liked, and so I picked it up, was interested enough in the premise to take it out and so I did, yay!

And when I got home and took it out to look at it again, I realized what a big (600 page) heavy book it is and I said "that's going to be too heavy to hold in bed!" and boom, there it was, me being my mother.  I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard my mother say this and so it made me smile to have that very thought. 

Now it turns out that this book is actually kind of two books at once, which is, I think, what makes it so heavy and huge (and to be honest, I'd kind of like to read them as separate books and I kind of like one part more than the other, but I'm waiting to see how they tie together as the blurb said they would) and I've managed to read it in bed, but yeah, it's certainly not a one handed read and it does take some adjusting to get it read!

But yeah... I hear ya Mom!  (And thanks for helping me learn to love to read.)

Hashbrown Heartbreak

Oh man...  I got my heart broken by hashbrowns y'all!

So I kind of like hashbrowns.  Not the stringy things, but the little tiny potato things.  Or, if at a restaurant, I'm ok with the chunky potato square things, but they might be called something else... anyway.... I like em.

Whenever Jason would suggest we have breakfast for dinner, frozen hashbrowns would be purchased and I always think of them as a filling treat.  And potatoes, so healthy too!

With me working with later starting eating times with the intermittent fasting I've been needing to change up what I eat first off in the day, because having some toast and tea isn't cutting it.  I mean, it was never a great breakfast when I wasn't intermittent fasting, but with my not always happy stomach in the mornings I was always sort of trying to get something in while not upsetting things.  So when I started with it all I wanted something decent and filling and my brain said "hey, hashbrowns!"  So I bought me some and for a couple of weeks there I was really enjoying starting my day (mid day) with an egg and some hashbrowns.

I mentioned to Jason that I was a little concerned with having to fry them and he said "yeah, they're not too healthy but if you cook them in the oven you can do it without oil/butter" so I was like yay! and started baking them rather than heating them in the fry pan, yay healthy!

Jason and I were out getting groceries for dinner together one night a few weeks ago and I said something about hashbrowns and he mumbled something again about "not all that healthy" and I was like dude, they're potatoes, that's fine!  And he stopped, looked at me and said "have you actually looked at the ingredients???"

Um....

No?

Because I honest to goodness you guys thought they were literally potatoes cut into little tiny squares for my breakfast enjoyment!

Um... spoiler?  They're really not.

But I didn't know that yet, so I marched to the frozen foods department and I pulled out a package of hashbrowns and I flipped them over and I looked at that ingredient list and y'all?  I started laughing.  Because no.  They are SO not just potatoes.  They really are not.  And there I'd been happily baking my "healthy" potatoes for breakfast all proud of myself being all healthy and I had never once thought to look at the ingredients list and whoops!

So I kept breaking out into laughter as we wandered through the rest of the store and for the next week or so I'd half laugh, half sigh in despair at the loss of my break-fast potatoes, so yeah.... hashbrowns broke my heart you guys.  So totally.

Also... can't someone make me pre made little tiny cut up potato bits that I just have to re-heat and that are nice and healthy and filling?  With extra "healthy"?  Pretty please?

I See Progress!

I can not speak to anyone's anxiety diagnosis other than my own, so please, this is a reminder to always keep in mind that this is my personal experience and nothing but that.

I feel like I have had a good few steps (leaps?!) forward this last while with getting better.  If that's how to term it.  Man, I'm nervous to speak about anxiety because I am not wanting to make anyone feel anything if they're suffering and although "advice" is in the name of this blog that was never meant to be anything other than a tongue in cheek laugh at my own expense.... anyway...  So I did a thing this weekend that felt like SUCH a huge win for me and it doesn't even matter if no one else understands, I'm so proud of me.

The gym I go to, and have gone to longer than I've had this blog, hello! has a pool.  And I have never been in said pool.  Nor have I ever been in said pool area.  And this, as it turns out, it something that when I would, in the past, consider trying to swim to exercise, I would run up against and stop before I even started.  See, for me, not knowing things can paralyze me.  As in stop me from doing things.  I've never really liked new things and new situations but since Getting Anxiety (TM) (just kidding) it's been pretty damn brutal.

So flash back to a couple of years ago and I wanted to try swimming for health reasons and Jason wanted to get back into it as well so we drove out to the big pool (a drive's away) a couple of times but then he wasn't able to and I didn't want to go by myself so I stopped.  Which is kind of like... meh.  Shrug.  But the gym nearer me has a pool.  Which... never been in.  Or near. 

I've wanted to.  Considered it.  But it's always felt like such a huge obstacle for so many reasons.  One of those reasons was "ick my body" but I kind of worked through that at the other pool the other year... yeah so this is how I look now and if people are looking and judging well, meh... I don't have my glasses on to see them doing that anyway and I want to get some cardio in so here goes.  So cross that off the "can't because" list.

But the big one for me has been not knowing what the pool situation was like at my gym.  I mean, like... all of it.  From what was it like getting to the pool to what was the lane situation to how busy was it to could I wear shower shoes to is there somewhere to put a towel and just ALL OF IT IS SO MUCH AND I JUST CAN'T so I haven't.  For... ever.

About a year ago I sent an email to them asking about busy times and things but they never got back and I felt dumb and so for ages now I've thought "just ask".... like, just ask the front desk to give you a tour.

But then I stopped sort of managing to even go to the gym so... blah.  Meh.  Shrug.  Not a priority.

But I've been to the gym a couple of times over the last few weeks, and no I'm not talking about it because I don't want to do it for external validation I want to just surprise myself with doing it and being ok with it (and by the way I'm super frustrated with my body's complaints and seeming pain-injury-sensitivity stuff UNFAIR!) but this weekend?  I went in and I thought to myself, you know what?  Why don't I just go look.  It's quiet... I'll just... go and peek and maybe that'll make me feel better?

So I went, and I saw the signs about taking of your shoes so I went back to my locker and I took off my socks and shoes and I went through a bunch of doors and down a hallway and I followed the signs and, boom, pool!  I just kind of looked.  I saw some cubbies... I saw the lanes... and as I was standing there a lovely, friendly lifeguard came over and said "Hey, hi!  Do you have any questions?" and I was like YES!  I sure do!  I told her I'd never been in before and she said "here, let me show you around!" and maybe they're always this nice, or maybe it's just that they're expecting people for the New Year Resolution stuff but she told me where things were and I asked her about busy times and lane expectations (most pools have fast/medium/slow sort of lane arrangements) and it was great and then I thanked her and went back to the change room and man oh man am I proud of myself for doing that!  Because it's progress.  It's something tangible that I can say I did that thing that I've been too scared to do for a very long time.  I did it!  And someone might think it's a ridiculous thing to be proud of and all I can say is is that it's not for me.  I just... did it.  You have no idea.

But I do.  And I'm happy.  And hopeful.  And sure, at some point I may be embarrassed that I went (anonymously) public with this but f8ckit.  I did a thing I've been unable to do up until now. That's so great. 

Too Much Reality

I'm going to glaze over this one a little, so bear with me here.... but I don't feel like after this Christmas get together I can continue to sort of pretend (if that's what I've been doing) that my parents aren't aging.  Because of course they are.  We all are, if we want to get into that, but I just mean this year I really really noticed.  For whatever reasons.  And it has hit me hard and I think I have some mourning to do.

But I've been distracting, not so much delving in and dealing with it because it hurts and it's upsetting and there are parts of me that are utterly devastated and not wanting to face the truths.  And I can justify things and "well yeah but" things because they're not.... you know... worse.

Sigh.

My parents are actually really super healthy, and "young" for their age.  But I see changes.  And I'm sad.  So very sad.  And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to interact with these new people.

Because it does feel like they're something that needs to be handled differently.  Somehow.  And I need to let go of what they used to be for me because I don't think they're capable of being that anymore and that's hard.  And I'm not sure how much of this they know and I don't want to point anything out that might hurt feelings and it strikes me that we often aren't aware of how things were until they change.... "you don't know what you've got til it's gone..."

Indeed.  And so it goes.

The Reality

Well, if you're like a lot of people I know, you'll have squeezed what you could out of the last couple of weeks of holidays.  With the few odd middle of the days off kind of days and what day is it today exactly.  There was a day this last week where I was ecstatic to realize it wasn't Sunday!  It was Thursday!  YAY!  And that was still weird, but ok.  I ran with it.

My anxious parts got riled up this weekend as the "return to reality" started to loom, but I'm probably not alone in having had that feeling.  I dunno, I didn't ask around.

I know this Winter has really only just started but I am wondering if I'm managing it a bit better (or if I should not have potentially jinxed things by saying that) because there's the potential of only so many more time change long long dark times left?  It might not happen soon, but it's more likely that it will happen than not... I hope?  And maybe that potential thought is making the shorter days a bit easier?  Or is it just my imagination?

I'm also maybe a bit more sensitive to the light in the dark and that's not a metaphor, I mean that on some early mornings I've actually been more able to see light outside than I've ever remembered before.... Maybe it's light pollution?  Maybe it's me waking up just a tiny bit later? Maybe it's the lights in the parking area or something, I don't know.  Maybe it's having a bit more control of my mornings and, well, let's not get far into that right now if you don't mind.

So it's Monday, and back to it all and break over and holidays over and I assume we'll keep running towards Spring without even noticing.  I'm wondering how mild our Winter here is going to be... and maybe by saying that I summon a cold spell, who knows!

Anyway.  I hope you're well and you got some rest and aren't feeling like you need a holiday from your holiday time. 

Happy Twenty Twenty... Two Thousand and Twenty?  Happy Two Oh Two Oh.