What I Did Manage To Write Down

The best laid schemes of mice and men..... but I did manage to write down the first couple of days' worth of ... whatever.

I woke up that Friday morning at the first hint of my alarm (very early o'clock) and it was dark.... and raining!

It hadn't rained in ages and so I hadn't even thought to pack pants, or planned on wearing them at all this trip but I threw a pair on (and then was grateful I had as this was a colder year down in the desert!) and headed out.

I took a gravol, as usual, as my stomach really doesn't like extra early wakeups, but man this one hit me hard and I kept having to keep myself awake most of the morning!

We got the first ferry out, and Connor had me wait in the customs line and I got the giggles.  I got the giggles because it felt very much like we were all cattle in a cattle line waiting to go to the slaughter house!  That, and the girl behind me didn't stop sniffing and the guy in front of me got more and more disturbed by her sniffing!  Oh, and it was still five something in the morning.  And my feet were wet because pants?  But sandals.  No socks.  Whoops.

So I was super dozy on the ferry and then kept telling Connor I didn't recognize any of the drive.  Like, at all.  "You sure this is the way we've always gone?"  "Yup."   Huh... I guess taking gravol each time I've taken this trip really makes me not notice stuff, eh? So, yeah, I got a whole new trip all morning, which was rather novel.

At a certain point mid day we decided to stop for gas and lunch and Connor realized we'd accidentally stopped at the same little place/town as last year.  Go figure!  I got wifi in the starbucks and grumbled that the US travel package I'd bought still wasn't letting me receive texts.  Grumble indeed.

We made it to Klamath Falls mid afternoon (ish) and I remember a whole lot of bugs at the door to the place we were staying.  Made me wonder if the bug-apocalypse that had been happening during build week down in Black Rock City had really ended like they were saying... swarms of bugs ick me out.

One of the things that was really noticable on the trip was the lack of water.  Especially once we hit Oregon.

I know we've talked and heard about being in a drought, and it's been in the news and we're aware of it, but seeing it up close and personal was shocking.  We'd pass lake after lake and the water wasn't just low?  It was barely there.  You could see the water line and the level of the actual water far far far below.  Rivers too.  It was frightening.  It's one thing to see it in a picture and go gee, that looks bad.  It's an entirely different experience to see the effect the lack of rainfall and precipitation is having on bodies of water.

I wish I'd stopped to take a picture, it really was that bad.

I knew Max was already on playa, he'd left the night before and I hadn't heard from him since. (We'd been texting back and forth for a month or so, and not hearing from him was unusual)  I could have put it down to lack of cell service or him being on playa and turning his phone off as he said he would but I kind of told myself it must mean he's not all that interested and... fine, I wasn't all that interested either.  Self preservation much?  (Rolling my eyes at myself, really, because come on... just breathe silly.)

Connor still is madly in love with the section of the drive I could have sworn we do on the second day, but it's the straightest highway ever.  Just... straight.  Yes, we have that in the prairies but this is somehow better.  So says Connor, anyway!

I felt like we were travelling with more burners than in previous years, or maybe the gravol had just worn off by then... we also hit construction that Connor swears has been ongoing for years now and nearly got stuck in a tunnel (yay for that not happening!) because traffic had to stop due to some kind of flagger miscommunication and, well, I'm just glad it all worked out is all.  Oh, and that Connor didn't continue the conversation he started with "do you want to think about how much weight is over top of us right now?" as we drove through the tunnel.  No, Connor, I really don't, thanks.

I felt a bit squirmy sitting for so long, body wise and my tummy was still a bit iffy (I haven't mentioned it but the super amazing food on the cruise was also super rich and my tummy wasn't sure how to handle it, even though it was all gluten free) so dinner was a bit of a whoops as I got the extra hot wings and... then had to sit for a few after dinner going uh.... that may have been a mistake.  Poor tummy.

The drive itself was easy and I'm always grateful for a safe, easy drive.  Connor tried hard to bug me by quoting a tv show character every time he burped, but I managed to half ignore (having grown up with a brother helps with that skill!) and half laugh.  So Friday was good. We made it safe to Klamath Falls... no one got annoyed at anyone.  My tummy survived, my body survived, and I purposely wasn't getting too excited about potentially meeting Max.

Like, seriously.  I wrote it down.  "Not getting excited about Max."  I made the note.  It was a thing.  Not excited.

(Which means somewhere inside I was totally excited about meeting Max)

Saturday I slept in til nine.  I had weird dreams, including one where Connor insisted on going onto the playa with a massive gaping back wound from where his doctor had removed a giant melanoma (skin cancer).  I told Connor about the dream because I woke up so mad at him... he wouldn't listen to me saying he should cover the open wound!  He laughed... but then asked me to try to analyze the dream... what did I think the cancer represented?  I told him I didn't know, but maybe he should listen to me more.

We went for an early lunch at the place we've always gone to and then in the parking lot ran into an older couple in an RV going to their first burn.  We exchanged pleasantries and they asked if we had any advice and I thought of a few things and then blanked.  They had early entry and were heading in that day to his brother's camp, but one of their friends was watching the weather and had texted them from home to say it was far too windy and there were whiteouts and gate was closed so they were going to wait it out for a while in Klamath Falls.

We told them to just go anyway, and didn't learn til later that Saturday was pretty much a whiteout and no one got anything done and no one got in for hours at a time.  Whoops.  Hope they didn't listen to us after all!

We went grocery shopping and had a massive chip decision to make.  Ended up with just plain dorito mini bags rather than an assortment.  Last year we got an assortment and ended up not eating the cool ranch doritos because ick.  So we decided to not repeat the cool ranch fiasco and stuck with the plain.

While we were packing up our groceries, someone in the parking lot yelled out at us to "have fun" and it made me so happy.  That, and the battery powered hand held spray fans Connor found in the sporting store!  New best friend that thing would become!

The place we were staying had double booked the Saturday night so we went back to the hotel we'd stopped at on the way last year.  Turns out they'd over charged Connor last year and so we got a "reduced" rate.  Which was great.  But.... well, anyway.  I'll let that one one.  Wasn't my VISA that got overcharged and Connor was happy.

I was a bit grumpy mid day, which is fine as usually by the first evening I get super grumpy.  I think part of it was Connor letting me choose the music for most of the day.  Honestly, I think that can really help me stay calm and less out of my zone.  We stopped in the liquor store and the gal told us we looked "really normal" for burners.  Which... I guess that's a compliment?  Sure!  I'm normal looking you guys.  And I go to Burning Man.  Who knew?

I was a little surprised at how much money I'd burned through in just two days, but travel will do that to you.  Ferries, gas, food, "mexican drinking juice" (Connor was tired too and couldn't remember the word for tequila.)  By the end of the day Saturday, I'd used up most of the US cash I'd brought with me, but I kept some aside for ice.

Oh, and I got stamps with some of that money!  Ahem.

So yeah, travel day, rest day.  All good.

Oh, and I called my cell provider to ask why the travel package wasn't working and felt just a little bit silly when he talked me through turning on my roaming.

Uh, yeah... I knew that.  Just... kinda... forgot.

Whoops. 

Third Time Lucky

I've heard it said that your third burn is a hard one.

That perhaps the newness of it all that had you in awe your first burn, and the excitement of return that championed your second burn have both faded, leaving you with the reality of what is a difficult, challenging, and often far from perfect experience.

My third burn, however, was pretty damn awesome.

I'll start off by slathering a layer of confession over everything here... I did not write in my journal while I was there.

*Gasp*  I know!  But there wasn't time in my days, or evenings and when I did try to make the time to sit for a few to write, my thoughts still couldn't piece together the moments and the days just melted and blurred together so I just let it be and let it go and I was far too happy to really mind anyway.

There are moments of my time that stand out vividly in my mind and memory, but others that have already softened.  There are times where I'm able to place something on a day or night and others where I just know it happened and am not really sure where in the week it took place.

The biggest thing that happened this burn; the thing I am most changed by, is finding Max.

Max, who in the short time I've known him, has shown me more love, compassion, thoughfulness, and joy than any other man I can remember being with.

Max was more than I ever dreamed of and my burn was completely magical.  If still challenging and difficult at times.

When I was leaving Nevada, two weeks ago today, actually... I felt that I never ever wanted to write about Max and I.  I wanted nothing more than to keep it all to myself and to hold it close to my heart and I still do.

I have, over the years, had comments here from those both well meaning and some perhaps less so that have made me wary of sharing this particular part of my journey, and I do not want to have to battle through those who aren't always able to see through the fact that I only share what I want to here.  That my life and experiences are far more complicated than the parts I choose to edit and share online.  But I also know I have some of the most supportive people who come here to share in my journey and who will smile alongside me, and on top of that, I want to remember.  I want to be able to look back, years from now and say ahhh yes... that's how I felt.  That's how it started... those are the details I like to be reminded of.

So my third burn was an entirely new experience for me and I already know I don't have the words to do it justice, but I'll try my best to put together enough to share the bubble of happy I have in my heart right now.

As an old friend said, when I emailed him about my burn and my heart... I guess you're going to have to change the name of your blog now, aren't you?

Yes.  I guess I am, my friends.

Don't let them tell you Burning Man doesn't change your life.  It's been changing mine since Jay and I first talked about going together at the end of 2012.

Stamps!

So so far, every year I've gone to Burning Man, I've tried to send postcards home.  There are post offices in Black Rock city and those of us who love mail (me, me!) can get something in the mail that's been cancelled with one of their post offices.  And it's cool.

Plus, doesn't everyone like getting something in the mail that's not a bill?  YAY!

But, my first two years, finding stamps in the States proved to be difficult. 

Because we travel down on a weekend, the post offices we might happen to come across are generally closed.  And the places I asked at (gas stations, grocery store) never sold stamps.

So I'd have to rely on asking very nicely at the BRC post office (I offered to help deliver mail last year in exchange for some stamps, man that was hard work!) and the year before that one of the gals I'd travelled with had a couple of extras she let me buy off of her.

This year, I was determined to keep trying to find stamps and after forgetting to ask at the grocery store (and not bothering to ask at the liquor store!) I randomly asked at a... don't know what to call it... Fred Meyer kind of store?  An "almost everything" store?  And they had stamps!  YAY! 

I'd finally managed to buy stamps to send postcards back home!  I did it!  Yay me!

So, stamps in hand, I then utterly, completely forgot about post cards, post offices and stamps for the entire trip until I got home and was unpacking and found my treasure, long awaited US stamps.

D'oh!

So hopefully next year, or next trip to the states, I can remember that I have stamps and can mail a letter back home to Canadia land!

So yeah... yay me but... uh... ooops!?

How To Floss, For Reals

I may have mentioned it but my dentist retired recently.

I took this as a good time to switch dentists and went to one that my parents had had recommended to them.

I liked him, and so this week I had my first "new patient" checkup.  (I'd already had to see him for a chipped filling so had met him but not really had my first cleaning, etc.)

The hygenist noticed a few things (frigging fillings... soft teeth and "bad" saliva or something damnit) and then talked to me about how to reduce the something or other buildup.

She showed me how to floss!!!!

I mean, I always floss, but she showed me how to take it way down into the... uh... something spots and then to kind of scrub against the teeth with the floss until it squeaks!  And then she showed me how and it squeaked!  I've never heard a floss squeak before!  It means more clean!  Yay!

So now I'm going to do a better job at flossing and hopefully that will keep down the... something and make the something else better.

Yay new dentist and new learning of tooth care stuff.

Fortunate One

One of the things my trip to Alaska reminded me of is how very lucky I am to live in this part of the world.

This particular coast, and I can now extend that up into Alaska, is absolutely stunning.

It is greens and blues and water and hills and mountains and sky.  The scenery is breathtaking and I get to see it all.  The.  Time!

Sure, I perhaps don't see fjords and glaciers and chunks of ice floating down at my regular beach, but the scenery is still that beautiful ocean and the green green green of the trees and surroundings.

It was interesting talking to some of the locals in the towns we stopped in and hearing that they had similar weather to Vancouver, if perhaps more rain.  I suppose like many people see Canada as a vast, winter wonderland, I had envisioned Alaska (outside of Spring/Summer) as being utterly snowed in and... well, snowy.  So to hear that it's not all that way?  I suppose I felt naive. 

The favourite joke I heard, on a bus trip up to see a glacier was when the fellow driving us was telling us what wildlife we might run into.  As it was the season of the salmon run, he mentioned we might see bears.  He told us, however, that if we saw a bear with no teeth that we should not be worried.

Because those would be gummy bears.

Heh.  Get it?  Gummy... bears?

Yeah, I giggled over that one for a long while.

First night out on the boat I saw what is probably one of the top three sunsets I've ever seen in my life.  The photos I took of it seem faked.  Unreal.  Photoshop coloured or something, but the sky was just that glorious.

But yes.  This coast of this part of the world?  Super, super pretty.  I feel very lucky to live here, and to have seen so much of it.

West coast, you is super pretty!

Oh... Right

I had a steak set aside for Monday night's dinner, the idea being that I'd need a good, solid boost of protein and iron and it would get me through my first full week back.  Rawr!

When I pulled the steak out to get it ready to cook, I noticed it looked a little sketchy.  And so I checked the "best by" date and that's when I realized that it wasn't best before the 15th, it was the year that was 2015 and the steak itself was a good few days overdue.

So good thing I figured that out beforehand, eh? 

Way to be tricksy 2015, sneaking up on me like that, pretending you were the middle of the month!

The Fifteenth

Today is mid way through September, which is funny, because I really feel like the middle of August was just yesterday.

It's certainly been about that long since I've sat down and written anything, really at all.  For the first time, I didn't sit at the end of each evening at Burning Man and record my day.  More on the why of that will become clear as I do what I can to write about my experience this year.

Which, I'm not sure how that will go, to be quite honest.  I want to remember it all, every moment, but it has all blurred together... was blurring together even as it happened, and so there may be moments that are lost in my mind.  Perhaps just for now.  Perhaps for ever.  And there's also part of me that wants to keep it all close.  To not share.  To just hold the magic in my heart and not let go of it.

So I will be patient with myself.  And my heart.  And my stories.  And what's going to get told will get told.  In its own time.  A summary?

The cruise was nice.

Burning Man was incredible.  And I very much want to keep it a secret, while also wanting to shout it from the rooftops.

So baby steps.

And patience.  I have no notion of how this story will tell itself, so I won't force it.  You know? 

Home

Hi.
I'm home.
For realsies.

Like, actually here and functioning although I'm pretty sure another round of sleep and an extra weekend would be most excellent.

All is well, I'm incredibly happy, and quite honestly not sure where to start.

My gear has all been washed and cleaned and put away until next year, my apartment is tidy, my family, friends and loved ones are all well and good and life is pretty damn amazing.

How about you?  How have you been?  It's been forever after all...

Ahhhhhh

Ok self.  Breathe.

Breathe and relax and well done.  You did it.

Not only did you manage to write four week's worth of blog posts in two days (WOO HOOO), you, by this point, have also returned from two trips, two adventures, and have gone back to work, albeit unwillingly.  (Ahem, shhhh, we don't talk about work, remember?)

So now it's the weekend.  You can officially relax.  And do laundry or unpack or clean or whatever you might not have managed to get done this week, groceries maybe?  Or did you take care of that before you left too?

Whatever it is, just know that today is Saturday, Summer and all the adventures there in have come and gone and you did it and it's all good.  Well done on the post writing, welcome home.  Now go relax.

(I would mention maybe possibly writing some posts for next week but I don't know what state of mind you're in so I don't want to bother you and figure it's more important to give you a high five than a "get going again" push right now.)  So, well done. 

Go sit by the ocean if you haven't already done so this week.  Not much ocean in the desert, you know?

Random Thoughts Pre-Cruise

I wonder what the temperature will be like in Alaska?

Why are things so expensive on the ship when you're already paying a ton to be on the ship?

Should I pack warmer clothes?  I mean, it's not winter.  And the weather forecasts don't seem that cold.  Jeans... or is that overkill.  It's still summer, right?

What about candy?  I wonder if I'll want candy?  Like, should I bring skittles?  C-Dawg says I can't bring any food onboard.  Maybe not worth it.  Hmmm... now I want skittles. 

And an OHenry bar.  I want that right now.  Well maybe not.  I really wanted it an hour ago, but now I'm post banana scandal and probably won't eat for a bit, just to be on the safe side.

Wow, did I actually manage to write all these posts?  Really? I didn't think I'd be able to.  That's like a month's worth.  Weird.  And then I won't have written for a month again, so will I be back to forgetting how to write?  Will I have to sit on my couch my first weekend back and force myself to write again?  Hmmm... or maybe not.  I'll have two trips to write about after all.

Ooh, that reminds me, I should pack some paper and pens for the cruise.  Like, to journal maybe.  Or, I'll just type it up on my computer.  Without internet.  So blogger won't work.  Uh, as a word document I guess?  I wonder how many times I'll forget I don't have the internet while I'm on board and will try to do something I hadn't even realized was online because it's all just *there* when I'm at home.

I still think it's a good idea to bring my computer on the trip.  Give me something to do in the evenings if I need it.  Not that I necessarily will, but I won't be living it up in the "nightclubs", that I know.

OOh, I just cracked my back stretching.  That felt kinda good.  But also, I've been sitting here for a while.  Crazy.  Like, all morning.  I wonder how many words I've written.  I could find out for sure.  But... I have to pack once I'm done this.  Well, this and one more post.  Then I have to pack.  And then wash my hair.  No, maybe go to the store first, because I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner yet.  And then wash my hair.  And then... uh... double check things?  And then more packing probably.  And then it'll probably be dinner, if not past dinner and then, I'd really like to just sit and chill and relax.

I'm not wearing pants.  A warm top and a sarong.  Not super hot this week.  Cold warm.

I hope the cruise feels cold to me, because I don't want to get used to cooler weather or else the transition to the super hot desert could be bad.

I mean, it'll be hot and a shock no matter what but... yeah... opposite climates really.  Which, when you think about it, is majorly cool.  What a great summer, I'm really lucky.

Man, my living room is a mess.  I'll just not look over that way.  Oooh look, the sun's coming out outside.

Oh, my Dad just emailed me back, said yes to jeans.  Need to add that to my mental packing list.

Which.... what should I wear for travelling tomorrow.  OH, and I have to make sure I have an overnight back for the hotel in Van on Sunday.  Wait... no, I'll still have my suitcase with me?  Wait, better email Dad again.

My knee is cold. 

Whoops, looked into the living room again.  Look away, me, look away!

I really hope my seedling replanted plants don't die.  I'll water them goodly and then again when I'm back mid-trips.  They should be ok, if a little wilty.  Hang in there little guy(s)!  Not so worried about that one, but the other guy?  Maybe a little worried.

Ok, I could sit here for another hour just babbling what comes into my head.  I should stop.

My wrists are sore.

I should go for a bike ride, fill up my front tire.

Or... not.

Lots to do.  This is actually kind of procrastination.  Positive procrastination.  Is that a thing?  Is now I guess.

Ugh.  Hope the ice lines at Burning Man aren't too long.  Hope my body does even better in the heat than it did last year.  Connor said that would happen.  Hope he's right.

Hope Sarah enjoys it.

Hope everyone enjoys it. 

Wonder what I'll think about the cruise.  I've always wondered.  Now I'll know.  Funny that.

K.  Stop now.  Really.  One more post to go, so stop and get that started ok?  Ok.

K.  Bye.

Plans

One of the things that also threw me a tiny bit before we left for Burning Man was Sarah letting me know that she may have to leave early. 

Something had come up for her, an opportunity that if it happened, she couldn't really say no to, so she wanted me to know that she might have to leave Friday rather than Monday.

I wasn't upset exactly, more surprised, and it was sort of a combination of that being totally out of the blue, and not in my mental plans of how the week would play out.  She still may be there all week, she'll hopefully be able to contact home mid-week and see if she needs to leave and if she does Connor's pretty sure he can take all my stuff back since we managed both of our gear in his truck last year, so it's not that I feel stuck or abandoned.  Just didn't expect it.

I suppose I'm a little surprised as I know what it's like down there and how much I don't want to leave, but Sarah doesn't know yet, and may not feel the same way about it or even like it much at all once she's there.  I think I'm just feeling like for me it's such a long way and an expense and so difficult that it would suck to have to miss three days of it.  Now, that being said, there's no guarantee that work will always allow me the time off I want and I may, some year, have to miss some of Burning Man because of "real life" or work or whatever.  (Knock on wood, all good please) But maybe I just want her to fully, really enjoy the entire experience and am pre-emptively bummed out that she might miss some of it.

But, again, I have no idea if that will even happen or what.  Who knows?  I don't, yet.  That's for sure.

So here's to Burning Man always seeming to remind me to not have anything to firmly set in my mind.  Smooth, safe, easy, comfortable, wonderful.  Those are what I'd like the trip to be.

Or, really, at this point, to have been, because in theory, I should be back by now.  Hopefully safe and sound and happy and well.  So there you go.

Ugh

I'm only writing this as a post because it's happening as I'm sitting here pre-writing posts, but I'm having a banana bad stomach moment.

Like, I first noticed it when I would stay over at Jason's last year and not being able to eat most breakfasty things for gluten reasons, I'd have a banana for breakfast and wait to eat for real when I got home.

But one time I did that and then almost immediately felt nauseated and ended up throwing up. 

I put it down to nerves or something, but really I had no idea and it weirded me out, but I forgot about it.

And then it happened again.  Breakfast and some gluten free toast I'd brought and?  Got sick to my stomach. 

Which triggered the memory of it happening before at Jason's.  Could it be the banana I wondered?  Nah... probably just co-incidence.

Except I think it happened again and I realized ok, I clearly should stop having bananas on an empty stomach first thing in the morning, my tummy doesn't seem to like it.  So I stopped.

But just a few minutes ago, I had to stop writing these "I'm going away soon and want to leave things for people to read" posts because it was an hour past lunch and I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.  So I got up and since I'm currently trying to not buy groceries until I'm back so they won't go bad, but also trying not to leave anything around like, say fruit, that might go bad, I decided I'd have a banana.  Fruit, decent, reasonably filling.

And now, here I am, just after eating the banana feeling like I'm going to throw up.

I'm distracting myself by writing about it, and I took some Gaviscon too but man, what is the deal with my stomach and not liking bananas in particular when it's empty?  I no like.  Bad banana, bad.  Sorry poor tummy, I didn't think it would be an issue as it's not breakfast!

Balance Is Not Being Stationary, It's Constant Shifts And Adjustments

As I sit here, composing posts, (and I've been at it for the better part of a morning so far here, as well as an hour or two last night), I'm having to remind myself it's all ok, and that I still have time.

Because, you see, at the time of this writing, it's a Saturday, and I leave for Vancouver tomorrow, a Sunday.  And we board the ship on the Monday.  And I'm not packed yet.

I'M NOT PACKED YET!!!!

Yes, I have the clothes vaguely laid out and somewhat thought through and I have my lists I will check, but when I get up to stretch or to pee or something, I see things that I feel like I should be dealing with.  Like my phone charger.  Or the pile of workout gear in the hallway.  My brain starts to get panicky and tells me YOU GOTTA PACK!!! 

At which point, I stop, and breathe and remind myself I have all of the rest of today, and tonight if I need it, and even some time tomorrow (Sunday morning)  It's ok.  It's going to get done.  And I remind myself that getting this writing completed is also something I wanted off of my mind and that I'm choosing to take the time to do this now, and within another hour or so I'll be free, completely free to pack and check on things and make last minute lists and so it's fine.  It's all good.  I've got it under control.

Yeah, that's right, I'm self talking myself.  It's funny when I think about it that way but it's also something I'm glad I've learned.

I saw a "behind the scenes" (not back to school!) video the other day that showed bloopers of a burner artist making her indegogo campaign video.

In that blooper reel, she'd make a mistake, stop and then say to herself "I've got this.  Cuz I'm awesome."  And I really liked that.  It's kind of adorable (as is she) and I feel like it's something I should try saying to myself.  I've got this, cuz I'm awesome.

So I will get packed, I will.  And I will ensure I've got what I need and what I want for the trip and I'll even, I bet, have some free time this evening to relax and watch more Friday Night Lights.  It's all going to be fine.  Things will get done.  There's an entire day left yet, and the night if I need it.  It's all good.  Relax.  Don't let your worries get in your way.  There's still time.

Deep breath.  Now get back to writing, would ya?

Too Much Unknown

One of the things I very briefly mentioned was also something that started to cause me too much stress in the weeks leading up to Burning Man and that was the potential of spending time with someone on playa.

As I mumbled in that previous post, I connected with someone online via a shared interest in both photography and Burning Man.  And in our chats and messaging we discovered, among other things, that the reasons we loved Burning Man and art in general were similar.  And he wasn't unattractive.  A "burner" looking guy from his photographs, although not necessarily someone I'd be drawn to on a day to day, who knows.  Once we both sort of realized that our chats were beyond the surface layer we both realized that beyond meeting to say hi (which makes me nervous enough) we might find that we liked each other, emotionally, and in a more romantic connection kind of way (no I don't mean sex but I don't not mean sex ugh, just shush!) and that what we might find when we met could be... very cool.

For a week or so, my brain tried to run away with this.  What would it mean post playa?  Would it mean we were so madly in love and had had such a wonderful connection we'd try to be long distance somehow and then move our lives together?  Would it mean that?  And of course I had to try to shut that thought process down real quick because crazy making, thanks.  And, as Jason put it when I called him and explained what I was freaking out about "You're adults.  If you connect in that kind of way you'll figure it out."  Oh.  Well that was simple, wasn't it. 

So let's shut down that train of potential worry, ok?

But then the worry train went down the slightly more practical track of how exactly would this all work?

I mean, a)  how do we even logistically find each other to say hi and meet?  He knows where he will be staying (he's with an established camp) but I don't.  So that means I would have to go to him.  ARGH.  Pressure!  Because then that pushes my buttons of what if he's not there, what if I go and can't find him, what if what if what if?  And add that to the regular what if he doesn't like me when we meet, what if I don't like him when we meet that I get on a normal date anyway and it became a lot to think about.  So that's one thing.

But then b) what if we manage to pull off finding each other (which I hope isn't as complicated as I know it could be) and we don't like each other (or I don't like him)... well, that should be ok.  I can just say that Sarah and I have plans or excuse myself in some way and I should be able to make that ok, but then I might be super disappointed because I'd already started to wonder about how amazing it could be so that would suck and it would not be fun to be disappointed at Burning Man because... it's BURNING MAN!!!  So... I did what I could to just ignore any possible thoughts of we're going to LURVE each other to eliminate the potential of disappointment.  So now two thought processes I was having to manage.

And then there was c)  what if we actually like each other?  A little or maybe even a lot?  What if we connect in some really wonderful way, well then what?  And I'm not talking about the post event, I'm talking about during.  When would we find time together?  When would we get to talk or connect or whatever?  Would I spend my entire burn locked up in a tent smooching?  Would I see nothing and not hang out with Sarah because I'd want to be by his side all the time?  What about all the events he's planning on going with and the people he knows and connects with?  What if it takes over everything?  What if we don't have enough time?  What if we connect early on but can't make our paths cross again until the last day and then we haven't had enough time?  This... worry train of thought #3 probably messed with me the most.  The what if it's good thought.  Because really... it was not in my plans to go and meet someone.  It was just in my plans to go and be there and maybe stretch myself and push some shyness type boundaries and to survive the heat and enjoy the amazing experience that it is.  What if this guy ... changes all that.  And so I had to do what I could to really really shut down that train of thought.

Because I don't know.  I don't know any of this.  I don't know if we'll find each other (we probably will) or if we'll like like each other (because I figure we'll like each other, it's Burning Man and he's a burner/photographer after all) or what we'll do about that if we do.  It'll just happen.  I'll figure it out.  Or not.  What I kept trying to tell myself is that it's going to be the burn it's going to be and I can't control it from here and really, I can't even really control it from there. I can just make choices and do what I want or need or feel like doing when I am there.

Sure, I can hope and maybe even think about and imagine how I'd like it to go or what I'd like to happen or what I think could happen but that doesn't mean anything at all.  What's the point in imagining us cuddling up together watching a sunrise in deep playa when I have no idea if I'll be doing anything near that the entire week.  When I don't even know if I'll want to be around him or spend any time with him. 

Maybe I won't like him but his friend at camp and I will fall madly in love with each other.  Maybe it'll rain and dust and wind all week and we'll be stuck in our own camps and never make it to meet.  Maybe Sarah and I will get caught up in such wonderful adventures we'll lose track of days at a time and just have the best time ever.  I don't know.  But it was stressful having those potential thoughts going in, that's for sure.  So I did my best to shut them down and turn them off when they attempted to show up.

Which meant cooling the jets somewhat with the chatting and messaging with this guy.  And, yes, we did talk about all this, well, we talked about the potential for disappointment.  I didn't really bring up the "what if we connect" part other than to say, you know, if we do like each other, the week's not going to be long enough and he said yes, he's conscious of that as well.

The funny thing about this post, you guys, is that by the time it's published?  Whatever is going to happen will have happened.  This post is set to publish on the day we are planning on leaving Black Rock City.  So by the time you read this... it will all have happened.  Or not.  Exactly as it was meant to, for better or worse.  And my biggest hope as I write this is that I don't feel like I missed any experiences because I was too wrapped up in wanting to be with this person I don't know yet.  That's the one I'm having a hard time shaking.  And that's probably because I can't imagine what it will be like if we do like each other... so I'm just going to let those thoughts go and let it happen as it will.

Far too much unknown though, this little unexpected wrinkle in my plans for this burn.  I really had none.  Other than getting us all there and back safely, and staying physically comfortable in the desert, and saying hi to old friends from last year.  Those were the only plans I had a month before the burn.  But apparently I was meant to come across this person, in this way, at this time.  I do not know what will happen or what it's meant to be.  Perhaps I won't even know by the time this is published, perhaps it will be clear the moment we meet.  We shall see what's meant to be.  Playa provides after all... just not necessarily what you expect or think you want, but always what you need. 

Ouch

The week before my first trip, Jason and I went to the beach to get some sun and down time.

On the way back, we stopped at a pub to grab some food, and something I don't even know that I want to talk about, because it upset me, happened.

Jason is often friendly with strangers, and at times this bothers me because I just want to be quiet.  But this particular day he'd had a few beers and was social and loud.  So he started up a conversation with a random guy across the bar and it turns out this guy grew up in a town near me so we chatted a bit once Jason and I had eaten.

I really just wanted to get home but Jason was in chatty mode so I grinned and put up with it and tried to make the best of it by reminiscing with this guy about high school parties and the like.

At one point, Jason got up to go to the bathroom and the guy turned to me and said "that guy is super creepy, you should run and have nothing to do with him."

He said a few more things, but that's the gist of it and I had no idea what to do.

My "politeness" kicked in and I just sort of kept a smile on my face and nodded and didn't say anything too much, other than no, he's a good guy, he's just a little drunk and, well, I didn't know what else to say.  This guy went on to tell me that Jason's a bad photographer and I shouldn't be working with him and he could find real photographers for me.  I just listened.  It was... awkward to say the least.

I got the bill and when Jason got back I insisted we head out and polite farewells were exchanged by all.  We got in the car and I was utterly upset but as we drove away, before Jason could tell me what a nice guy that was (because he was, very nice, especially to me, and to Jason's face) I told him what the fellow had said.

Jason shrugged, said it didn't bother him, but for me?  It was really really upsetting.

It was upsetting because I don't like hearing people don't like Jason.  I know I was uncomfortable with him when I first met him but it hurts to hear other people, strangers, seeing him in a negative light. 

I was also upset because this called into question MY judgement of Jason.  Maybe this guy was right?  Maybe Jason is creepy and awful and I just can't see it because we were together?  And so I went into a not so nice place.  Called Jason an hour or so later and said I think I'm having a panic attack because of that guy and that situation.

Jason calmed me down, let me talk it all out, how I felt about the guy being mean and how I didn't trust myself and how it all just spun into my head and got worse and worse and how I had to try to talk myself out of it by reminding myself he's not creepy and I know other friends of his who don't think so either.

But man did it ever mess me up.

Once I calmed down, it messed me up for other reasons.  The guy was so super friendly to Jason.  And if he was that "creeped out" by him would it not have been more honest to excuse himself and say he didn't feel like chatting or something?  And why did he have to slam his judgment on to me?  He doesn't know what our relationship is.  He doesn't know that Jason and I were together.  That we were a couple and that Jason's been a massive support and encourager for me.  Why did he feel he had to tell me that he didn't like Jason, was there some ulterior motive to that?  Was he trying to rescue a damsel in distress in his eyes?  Or what?

And then I started to wonder how sober that guy had been.  And why it mattered.  And how people perceive me.  And why that matters.

But really, it was upsetting and hard to deal with and I didn't like the experience at all.

I'm not really sure what I'm to take from the situation and trying to analyze the potential "life lesson" hidden within is just upsetting me and making me uncomfortable so I'm just trying to let it go.

Which, really, I probably shouldn't have re-hashed it by writing about it here but ... oh well... done now.

At least the wings were tasty.

So Well Done

I started re-watching Friday Night Lights the week before I was going on the cruise.

I loved the show when I first watched and thought it would be a nice little trip down memory lane to watch a few episodes.

But, wow.  What a show.  Really. 

I had forgotten just how much I love all of the characters.  Eric and Tami Taylor?  The best tv couple ever, each of them adorable and wonderful in their own ways and a marriage I would love to echo in my own life.  Loving and fun, but honest and real at the same time.

And there aren't really any throwaway characters.  Even the sort of lesser characters are full and rich and charming and well played.  I forgot how much I enjoy each and every one of these people.

Eric and Tami are probably my favourites.  Followed closely, if not surpassed at times, by Tim Riggins.  And then, of course, Matt Saracen and the wonderful surprise of his best friend Landry.

It's just a damn good show and I'm happy I thought to give it another run.

Releasing

I was sorting through things earlier this Summer, looking for items to clear out of my place.  And along with t-shirts and other memorabilia I wasn't sure what to do with, I found my old journal/diaries from the last five years.

I made a decision at some point that I wanted to write every day, and so I started buying daily moleskine books and each night I'd write something.  A poem maybe, or my thoughts about the day, or things I was worried about or grateful for, whatever.

I'd occasionally, flip back during the year to see, for example, what I was thinking when I first met Jay, or Jason and then I'd ponder what had maybe been on my mind at that time and what I was maybe right about, or not.

I pulled these books out, with the intention of seeing if there was any good writing in there I could share somehow, but as I glanced through them, I got more sad than inspired.

What I saw, when I looked back on some of my journal entries from 2010 is a lot of sadness and hurt.

Yes, I know that's my personal, private space to vent, and yes, I know I've been through some dark, sad times, but it was sad to see some of the same "complaints" and stories I tell myself... I've been telling myself for half a decade.

Because that means I'm maybe just stuck in the story rather than it being an actual truth.

I know even sometimes here, people have pointed out when I've seemed negative or down or stuck in a rut.  It always hurts and is upsetting when it's pointed out but I do reflect.

So I reflected.  And I chose not to read through it all.  I chose not to re-hash the hurt I felt being single for so long and how torn up I was with a lot of things with Jay.  Or even with Jason.

(I rarely re-read what's here, which is interesting as it's publicly available, and people read it and assume what I wrote a while ago is still where I'm at seeing as they just read it today...  But even here, it's mellower and more edited than my private diary journalling.  That's just whatever's raw and needing to come out.  Good or bad.)

The decision I came to, for better or for worse, is that I'm taking those old diaries to the playa to be burned in the Temple.  I'm choosing to release the old thought patterns that I've been stuck in for too long.

Does that mean I'll instantly only have happy, positive thoughts and never think anything sad or self-pitying?  I doubt that, but it's a conscious choice to release and let go the thoughts and thought patterns that are potentially keeping me stuck.

To let go of "no one likes me", "I'll always be alone", and all the rest of it.  It's a choice to stop reliving those thoughts, or at least to not have them permanently on record.

I didn't want to just shred the writing, and I didn't want to keep it.  It's personal.  But not needed.

I may be throwing out some good writing, or some good poetry, but that's ok too.  I'm taking my last five years of my life and putting them into the Temple of Promise to be burnt the Sunday night of this year's Burning Man.  May this allow my thoughts and thinking to be new and clean and healthy and to only serve to make my life happier and healthier and more full of love.  Most especially, self love.

(But not in a naughty way!  Get your brains out of the gutter, I'm supposed to be the only one there!)

Like Green Day Says

So it's September.  Wow.

Summer felt long and good and wonderful but still, it feels like September is meant to be a ways off.  Not... here.

Around here, September is back to school for the kiddiwinks but I know in other parts of the world, much of the United States for example, school's been back in session for a while, so it's not necessarily a world-wide phenomenon that September equals backpacks and lunches.

Something that's been throwing me off a little, and therefore making me smile, is that some photographers online have been sharing their BTS photos.

Which always has me scratching my heads because why would they need to go back to school?  Or do they have kids?  What are these photos of ohhhhhhh Behind The Scenes.  Ohhhhhhh.

Not Back To School, but Behind The Scenes.  Which... I seem to forget every time!

So yeah, BTS may not necessarily mean it's time to wake up because September's here.

Right Green Day?

Right.  Behind the Scenes.

This post brought to you by the oddity that is my brain when I space out.  Thanks.

You Guys?

You guys I love sleeping in. 

I mean, I used to love actually sleeping in late (I could sleep til 11 easy.  Sometimes one but those were the late nights.)  But now it's not so much the time (I generally am up within the same hour every day, even on non work days I'm not up much later than normal, it keeps my sleep schedule solid.) as it is the luxury of not having to get up.

I love being able to take "just five more minutes" for as long as I want.  I devour that feeling of being able to roll back over and go back to sleep because I don't have to be anywhere or do anything, I can just frigging sleep.

It's so cozy and comforting.

Sleeping in on holidays isn't quite the same as there's often a feeling of "Oooh, I want to get up and see/do/experience whatever is out there" because you've gone to this place to see/do/experience something and you don't want to spend all day in bed, so even on holiday there's a sense of "I should get up now" even if it's just to go lay on a beach with a book.

But when it's a long weekend or Christmas holidays or something like that?  I love just being able to stay in bed.  To quietly get up when I want, at a pace I want and to not have to do anything more than get up and sit at my couch.

Those moments of hitting the snooze button and knowing I can keep doing so as I make myself that much more comfy and cozy in my bed?  I love those moments.

A lot.

Tricksy!

One of the tricky things I find about packing is those things you use day to day and so can't pack until the last minute.  Which therefore leaves a potential gap if you forget to pack it last minute!

I'm actually thinking about nail polish right now, because I just put a clear coat on my fingers and am trying to decide if I want to bring it with me or not and that, for some reason, made me think of all the little things I'll be using right up until the last minute and might therefore forget.

Like, most especially, my tooth night thing.

"Splint" I think it's called.  Fancy magic night guard that helps me not grind my teeth.  But, yeah, I don't sleep with out it and so I have to write myself a note the night before I leave to "pack tooth thing" and my book and whatever else I'm using right up until the time I leave.

That, my friends, is the kind of thing that will give me tingles of anxiety because I want to remember them, so I try to remember to make lists, but then I can sometimes worry that I'll forget to put something on the list and I'll miss it!

I know in the grand scheme of things I'll be fine.  Even the medications (thyroid) I need to take daily, I won't die if I forget them for a week, it's just that I'd rather not give myself extra discomfort because I was careless.

Actually, just thinking about making lists has gotten me a little wound up.  I'm going to go back to not thinking about lists and just babbling.

Deep breath. 

Whew.

Remembering

As I was thinking of things to write about in these pre-made posts, looking at the dates and times they will be published made me think back to my first travel weekend back in 2013. 

One of the odd things about Burning Man is that it doesn't seem like a year passes between the trips.  Like, my 2013 Burning Man trip doesn't feel like it was two entire years ago.  One maybe?  But two?  Certainly not.

I was thinking back to the Sunday of that year when we realized we weren't going to be making it to playa that day because the RV had broken down.  I'm not writing this to jinx anything, Connor and I had that perfect easy trip last year that more than made up for 2013, so I know it's just a matter of vehicles doing what they're going to do.  I'm writing this because I remember being disappointed but knowing there was nothing I could do to change it, so it was just a matter of finding the best way to deal with what we'd been given.

I do remember being a bit sad that we were losing time there, and I remember being disappointed that Jay was already there and enjoying himself when I wanted to be there and enjoying myself, but I didn't get mad.  I didn't get anxious.  It was out of my hands and we'd figure it out.

Connor mentioned at the time, and even since, that he was surprised I didn't freak out.  I know I come across as a worrier, and I may seem to over-plan, but it is that very over-planning that helps me feel calmer, ironically.

I'm not sure it's the best thing to sit and worry about all the possible things that might happen and go wrong, but in doing so, I always have my safety, security and comfort as well planned out as I can so when something goes glitchy?  I've probably already anticipated that and it makes dealing with it easier.

So I knew we were fine.  We were still in a city, we had automobile coverage (AAA) and we were all mellow folk, but intelligent and able to figure sh*t out. 

It's before the trip that my stress happens.  Or my worrying.... whatever you want to call it.  Once the thing happens?  I just do what I can to adjust to whatever's happening.

So for me, pre-planning may not be all that fun (and quite honestly, my relative zen around the family trip was a new one, and one I'll reflect on for sure) but I feel it helps me feel calmer about the trip in general.

But yeah... it's interesting to look back down memory lane sometimes.  Some of those moments meld together, but some of them are distinct and feel like they're still in 3D.

Here We Go!

Today's the day my Burning Man adventure for this Summer begins.

Well, the most physical part of it anyway.  Making the decision to go, securing a ticket, figuring out the logistics and all the rest of the pre-trip stuff is also part of the adventure and the journey, but the actual event?  That starts now.

At the time I have this post set to publish, we should already be on American soil, or close to it, and will be making our way down Washington state highways.  Or do they call them freeways?  I can never remember who calls what what.

I think, if we travel as well as we did last year, we should be in Oregon by the end of today, and most likely getting used to the slightly different weather and the oddity that is travelling.

So here's to safe travels, smooth sailing, and an easy, wonderful trip there and back.

Send us good travel thoughts, would you?  It all starts now!

Number Nine.... Number Nine..... Number Nine....

I discovered something this Summer in the magical world of napping.

Now, I don't condone napping for myself as it can throw off my sleep cycle and make me groggy and I can lose half a day to it, but sometimes?  A nap just needs to happen.

I have no idea when, but a few months ago, I was feeling that sunny, drowsy feeling and I decided to have myself a nap.

I try to set my phone alarm for a nap just so I don't get carried away and wake up two hours later grumpy and dazed.  Usually I set the timer for fifteen minutes but sometimes I find this tips me over into a groggy zone, so I decided to set my alarm for nine minutes.

Why?  Well, because nine is one of my favourite numbers.

Turns out, I love a nine minute nap!

Turns out I also love several nine minute naps in a row, but hey, something about that nine minute chunk keeps me out of a deep dream cycle but also lets me get some rest in there.

It wasn't until the other week I realized why I might get along so well with the nine minute sleep.

My morning alarm.

I'm pretty sure snooze buttons are nine minutes long.  And this might explain why my body loves it.  I snooze for hours some mornings!

But anyway... the Beatles and I would like to pass on that the number nine is a pretty good deal.

So there you go.

 
The Beatles, Number Nine

It's Better For Me

A couple of months ago I tweaked my back.  It was likely just twisting the wrong way or something while working out, and it didn't actually go out during a workout, rather walking back into my bat cave after a lunch time walk.  I suddenly could hardly move.  For seemingly no reason at all.

It wasn't much fun and I've actually taken a break from boot camp for a while to make sure I don't hurt it more permanently.

I couldn't get in to see my regular physio people as they were all booked and I was too sore to wait, so I made an appointment with someone new, in the same office as my massage therapist.  She was really great, and one of the things she talked to me about was the importance of changing my posture.

See, I have, if I haven't mentioned it here already, a fairly large chest.  I hide it well, but this seems to be part of the problem.

It wasn't the issue, per say, but in correcting the issue, the physio pointed out the importance of me balancing my posture.  And as part of that, the importance of me not hunching over.

I know I spend time each day at a computer, hunched over and she did want me to watch that, but more, she wanted me to watch my posture when standing.

I, as many of us do, habitually cross my arms when I'm standing, and this, for me, in part hides my chest, but also is comfortable.  And?  Rounds my shoulders and puts strain on the part of my back that's not terribly happy.

So she showed me how to stand and how to put my arms (on my hips, behind my back, etc) in a way that would keep my back straight.  But I almost started to cry. 

"But that will stick my boobs out!"  Something I've avoided since they turned up in grade 8.  And on top of that, I'll look snobbish, or full of myself or something.

But she showed me.  She showed me the difference in herself standing "normally" and then standing properly. 

She didn't look snobbish, or like she was sticking out her breasts, she just looked strong and confident.

Which, for me, has been a little bit of a mind-mess.  For my own health, I need to present myself in a way that portrays confidence.  That should be ok.  I should be proud of who I am.  But it just made me tear up.  I do hide myself.  My body, my shape and not only is it not great emotionally, it's also not, apparently, great for my body itself.

So I've been trying to re-consider my posture and how I stand and hold myself.  It's hard, because I've got years of habit with the hunching type stuff that I didn't even realize was hunching, so hopefully writing this post will serve as a reminder for me to be taller and straigher.

So if you see me throwing my shoulders back and down, please know that it's not to appear snooty, or to accentuate my chest area.  It's to keep my back strong and healthy.  It's better for me to have my body looking like I'm a superhero.  And perhaps it will become a "fake it til you make it" type situation.

My back's feeling better, by the way.  Still twinges every once in a while, and I've not been back to bootcamp yet, but we'll see how things are once I'm back in the swing of Fall and not holidaying.

Go Round And Round

Jason (finally, ahem) got my bike fixed for me and I brought it home a few weeks ago and started going out for some rides here and there.  I do enjoy biking, even if my cardio is not up to scratch and this town has more hills than I ever notice in my car or walking. 

I'd taken my bike to a bike shop once Jason had fixed it and pumped up the tires but I noticed that the back tire didn't seem to be holding air.

I have a small, not awesome hand pump so I pumped it up at home but when I went out, it felt like my back tire was slipping and when I looked down on it, it was flattening. 

I asked Jason if he'd help me change the tube and went and got a new one.  I wasn't sure it was necessary but figured I'd rather not have a slow leak in the desert if I could just as easily fix it here first.

We swapped out the tubes and went to a bike shop to use the pump and Jason used a gauge to check the pressure and then had me feel the tire.  Hard as a rock.  Seriously.  When I pump up my tires I have them hard.  Ish.  But apparently?  I've been having them far too underinflated.  Since... probably forever.

I never really thought to check the PSI or whatever on my tires and so just kind of pumped them up until they seemed full.  But Jason has shown me that I've probably been riding around 25 whatevers (PSI?) when I should have been between 40 - 60 depending on street vs playa.

D'oh!

I really had no idea, and am curious to see if riding feels better (I always felt like my back tire was "slipping", or trying to fishtail out from under me) or what.  I don't know, I guess I just was always wary of over filling them and them going kaplow!  And, to be honest, I've never really used one of those pressurized pumps before, only my rather annoying hand pump that takes too long and has never, apparently, filled my tires!  Jason said it would probably take half an hour with the pump I have and man, let me tell you, I don't have the patience or stamina for that!

So, yeah.  Check the pressure your bike tires should be at.  If you're a casual rider like me, you may not have thought of it.  You bikers probably already knew that and are rolling your eyes at me.  But hey, at least I know now, right?

Right. 

The Tea Fiasco!

Ok, it wasn't really a fiasco, but that's much more fun to say...

I don't drink coffee, and I don't often drink tea but sometimes a nice cup of tea in the morning is just what is needed and so this last little while I've been drinking more tea than I might usually.  (It's often something that upsets my stomach so to be able to drink it generally means I'm doing alright and not too stressed, yay!)

And because I've been drinking more of it, I've gone through a .... what do you call it, box?  container?  of it.  And then, because it's not high on my radar, I kept forgetting to get some more.

Which meant, for about five days in a row, I'd wake up, putter around making my breakfast and would think "mmmm, a cup of tea would be nice" and then I'd go into the cupboard and?  No tea.

ARGH.

So I'd grumble about that (occasionally sending texts to C-Dawg "I HAVE NO TEA AND I WANT TEA!") and I'd tell myself that I would absolutely get tea at the store today.  Pout.

And then I'd wake up the next morning, putter around making my breakfast and I'd think "ahhhh, you know what?  I think I'd like some tea this morning" and I'd go into the cupboard and, well spoiler alert... STILL NO TEA!

I think because I really don't have it that often and only really ever first thing in the morning with breakfast, I'd just keep forgetting, once morning was over, that it was something I should pick up!

So I was pretty excited by about the sixth day in a row of this when I remembered at the end of a work day to go get tea.  Went into the store and even remembered!  Texted C-Dawg that I was remembering!

And the next morning?  TEA!  I had tea!

So I supposed my lesson to myself is, self?  When you're out of tea, put it on your shopping list as soon as you realize "oh, I have no more tea"  because otherwise, you're probably just gonna forget.

You silly.

Yeah, But

One of the things that is vitally important down in the desert is staying hydrated. 

I know that sounds obvious, but with so much going on around you, it can be easy to forget to hydrate.  It's something you actively have to be aware of.  It's also the cause of a lot of unnecessary health problems according to the medical personnel down there.

I've been trying, in the weeks leading up to my trips, to hydrate myself better.  To drink more water, in other words.  Yes, it's good to drink water and some days I'm better at it than others, but you know how when you make an effort to drink more water your body isn't sort of used to it and so for a few days you're peeing all the time?  Well, I'd rather my body was used to lots of water before the drive down as needing to pee on a long drive is no fun!  Plus, it's good for me.  And a good habit.

But anyway, on top of that, there's this common saying around the Burning Man community and we're constantly reminded to "piss clear."  Crude wording, I know, but the idea is that you need to be hydrated.  Your health and your mood depend on it.  (That's another great reminder, if you're in the heat and find yourself cranky or upset or just not feeling great in some emotional way?  Drink water.  Oh, and alcohol doesn't count as water.)

So here's the thing I just kind of realized the other day.  I'm not worried about the amount I drink on playa, I'm solid with getting enough water (and electrolytes) and so it's not a worry for me, so I don't need to check the colour of my pee while I'm there.  But if I wanted to?  I couldn't!  It just hit me the other day.  These people who are suggesting I check to make sure my urine isn't too concentrated/dark yellow (indicating dehydration) are probably assuming I'm going piddle in a toilet.   A toilet that has fresh water in it that allows me to see the tint of my widdle.  But I'm not!  I'm using a portapotty.  Plus, I'm not able to... well, see. 

So all these infographics that people are sharing around right now reminding us to check the colour of our urine to ensure we're hydrated?  I can't see my pee when I'm not using a plain old regular toilet. 

The best way I heard some one describe how she checks herself hydration wise is that if she realizes she hasn't had to pee in a few hours?  She's probably not drinking enough.

So yeah.  There's maybe something you didn't need to know today! 

Hmmm

One of the things I'm not sure is good is what I'm not doing for my nails for Burning Man this year.

My first year, my nails and cuticles and fingers got trashed.  Some of that was on the trip down, but more of it was on playa with the alkali dust and how it messes with your skin.  So last year, before I went, I got a gel polish on my finger and toe nails. 

Not only did it look extra pretty (I just did a french manicure, but it felt super girly) my nails did a lot better.  Yes, I chipped a couple but by the end of the week they were in pretty good shape.

This may also have been due to the fact I took better care of my hands and skin last year... or maybe it was the polish.  I don't know.

This year, I don't feel like I can splurge budget wise and it took so long for the gel polish to grow off of my nails (the super strength remover didn't work and I didn't want to pay again to have it removed) I wasn't sure I wanted to do it again.

But I'm not sure if that's a good idea or if I'm going to wish I had had my nails done.

I've been trying to take extra good care of my hands and feet these last few weeks, I've been primping and soaking them and moisturizing and whatnot and hopefully I'll be fine without the gel polish but man, I'm a little nervous about it.

Not that having chipped nails and torn fingers is going to ruin the burn or anything just that it's uncomfortable enough already being down there and if I can eliminate little owies, I'd like to.

So I suppose this is an experimental year and if I learn the hard way that gel polish is worth it, I can always get that done next summer before I go.

So, fingers crossed that it'll all be fine without.  Send my cuticles some love in the next weeks, eh?

Snuggle Bunny

I don't think I told you, but Jason got a cat. 

Except he didn't actually GET a cat, a cat has decided Jason is his and vice versa.

No, this photo isn't the cat in question, this, I believe is B and S's cat, or one of the two I met, little fluffy cuties.

When I first met Jason, we'd walk around his neighborhood and he'd tell me "that cat, watch out for him, he's the meanest one and he'll scratch you" so I've know about this cat for a while.  Later, it became "well, he's still mean but he'll come and say hi to me sometimes" and sure enough the cat would meander over to us when we'd go for a walk, but only to rub against our legs, not to, you know, actually interact or get a scratch or anything.

At some point, Jason found this cat getting a little more friendly, but all I mean by this is the cat would wander through their yard and not run away or not hiss.  He'd hiss at any other cats in the yard, mind you, but he seemed reasonably ok in their yard space. 

Around Spring, Jason noticed the cat coming by a lot more and also noticed he wasn't looking so good.  His fur wasn't doing well and he seemed to be losing weight.  Jason noticed he no longer had a collar and started to wonder if the cat's owners hadn't moved away and left him behind.

He talked for a bit about wanting to buy a collar and put a note on saying "is this your cat" because he didn't like the idea of the cat being homeless or ownerless.

And then the cat started hanging around Jason as the weather got nicer and Jason spend more time outside.

And then the cat started not minding if I was also hanging out and not too long after that there were pets and scratches involved.

But only a few... and for a limited time... because, you know, the cat really had other places to be.  Like... right here.  Near us, but... not too near us.  And things just kept on going this way and next thing you knew, this cat was sleeping in their back yard. 

Like, you can see his path where he wanders and where he crashes at night.  And Jason started to hear him meowing in the mornings when he was making his coffee and they started to hang out together and the cat started to accept more and more pets and scratches and closer company.

And Jason talked about wanting to give him some food.  So some food was purchased and when the cat would come by, he'd put some of it out and the cat would eat it.  And he started to look healthier.  And happier.  And his fur came back beautifully.

And I started to play with him with long pieces of grass, and I started to get to pet and scratch and talk to him too.

I'm not even a cat person, I'm not but this guy, he just steals your heart.

I got some cat treats and having him gently nibble them out of my hand was one of the sweetest things...

That and the moment I saw him looking up at my lap.

Because he jumped in.  This cat who was so mean and nasty a year or so ago and who didn't want human contact, jumped into my lap.

He only lasted a minute, if that, but I was really touched that he felt comfortable enough to even attempt a snuggle.  I pretty much want to pick him up and hug the crap out of him.

So, yeah.  Jason has a cat now.  We're still not actually sure if he has a home or if he's been left.  He's a seemingly outdoor cat, but we're not sure what's going to happen come Fall and Winter, and not being a cat owner myself I don't really know if they can cope outdoors or if they need in for wet and cold.

But really, it's been a lovely thing to see.  This cat totally trusts and likes Jason and it's been a really positive thing this summer.

We shall see what the coming seasons bring and how they both handle it, but man if that fluffy little guy isn't just the best thing since sliced bread.

I'm pretty sure he understands human too.  So I tell him things like "I'm sorry sweet boy, but I have to go away for a few weeks, I don't know when I'll see you again so I'm going to give you lots of kisses ok?" and then he lets me smooch him without running away.

He's my little snuggle bunny even though I can really only pet him not snuggle him the way I'd like to.

I was looking for writing prompts to help me trigger thoughts to write about here and I came across this one "6:00AM: the best hour of the day, or too close to your 3:00AM bedtime?"

No. 

Neither.

I don't enjoy early mornings.  I know lots of people who do and people who are morning people I admire... when they're not being too perky on the mornings I'm not yet awake!  So for me, six am is a bit too early.  Now, my alarm has probably gone off by six am, and somewhere I've written about my unusual alarm routines, but when I have to get up significantly earlier than my body is used to (ie. travel days like when we'll leave my house at five something in the morning in a week or so for the very early ferry) my body actually rebels in very unhappy ways.  And dark mornings just don't inspire me... I shouldn't have to be putting on lights until the evening!

So no, six am is not the best hour of the day.  But also, I don't have a three am bedtime!  Not to say I haven't been up that late or not to say I go to bed super early but a three am bedtime would exhaust me and take me days to recover from, I need my long, regular, good sleeps y'all!

But, I suppose if my bedtime was 3 am, I would not be getting up at 6.  Again, I know some people who run on very little sleep and seem to be none the worse for it but I like a good solid 7 or 8 hours.  Sometimes more, sometimes I can get by on fewer, but in general, a good chunk of sleep, and a not too early wakeup are what I need.

Except, of course, when I'm camping in the desert where the sun starts cooking me in my tent by 7:30 am.  Then I'll get up.  Because who wants to miss whatever the day's going to hold when you're only there for a week!

Double Double

Packing for two fairly back to back, but physically different trips is.... well, not too bad, really, just takes a lot of organizing.  Something I'm not too bad at, so yay for that.

The thing I'm finding is taking the most balance actually is stuff like socks and undies.

Because the trip with my family is going to be much much much more inclusive (food and accommodation wise) and a lot less hot than my trip to camp in the wild Nevada desert.  So my clothes won't particularly overlap, except for a few things that I will have to wash and repack for travelling down into the warmer States.  But undies?  Can't pre-pack those, gotta wear them!  Need them for both trips, and as I almost found out the hard way, still need them for the days leading up to the trip.

Not wanting to go out and buy extra pairs of undies or socks, I think I've got enough for the family trip and maybe even enough for a workout or two (we shall see, good intentions anyway) and I should cope with what I have for Burning Man, although more socks would always be nice as fresh feet when you're coated in dust can be quite delightful.

So, I'm thankful that I'm going to be in two different climates and that I'm not needing camping gear for both trips.  I've made my lists, and am (other than socks and undies and travelling clothes) all packed for Burning Man so when I get home from this trip, it'll be laundry and repack and good to go.  Hopefully I'll have a couple of days to just relax and reacquaint myself with my own bed and zone out between the two trips.

But, yes.  Double packing just takes longer (Burning Man prep and packing takes me a while anyway) and makes a bigger mess and means you have to remember to leave yourself socks and undies to wear in the days leading up to your trip.

Now I know!

Oh My

I'm on a boat!  (Sorry if that gives you an earworm)

But yeah, at some point today I will be boarding, for the first time, a cruise ship.  I won't get in to the thoughts I have about the cruise industry and all that, I'll just focus on the positive, which is that I'm excited to spend time with my family, and to see this part of the world, and to find out what it's like being on a cruise.  Positive spin for the win!

As I generally try to do when I'm going away, I've tried to pre-write some posts and schedule them to post while I'm out on the ocean.  (Or, as the case may be, down in the desert.  It's interesting that both of my trips are into the States, but to very different physical, environmental portions of it.  From glaciers and green and water to dry, desert and dust.)  As I sit here, staring at the computer screen I'm finding this a daunting task.  In theory, I need to have twenty four pre-scheduled posts ready in order to cover my two trips and the two days of frenzied unpacking and laundry doing and grocery shopping and  repacking in-between and nevermind the anticipatory stress of having to jump into two weeks worth of catch up at work once I return.  (Breathe)

So, twenty four posts seems utterly daunting and I don't know what I'll manage so we shall just have to see what turns up here in the next few weeks, shan't we.

(Weird word to say... shan't.  I don't know if I can hear it in my head without a fancy English accent.  Shan't.  Anyway....)

I'll probably shut the comments off on most of the posts just so I don't feel like I have to come home and read anything when I'll probably just want to come home and shower and rest.

(But there's always that come home battle of geez I want to tidy up my mess and put everything away vs ahhhhh home.... my bed's going to feel so damn good.  Coming home from Burning Man is always extra tiring because of the dust in and on everything that you now need to wash and try not to get all over your place.  Ahhhh washing machine... we shall be good friends soon enough you and I.)

So, yeah.  One down, twenty three perhaps to go?  That's, like, a lot.  Not even sure it's doable at this stage... What I might end up doing is posting every second day or so.  That'll make sure things still roll along here without making me feel stressed about something that's meant to be fun and light.

Maybe that.  We shall see.  Wish me luck!

Away

Tomorrow I leave for Vancouver to embark on a cruise with my brother, sister in law and parents.

We're heading up to Alaska, which I've heard is a beautiful trip so I'm looking forward to what we might see.

I've never been on a cruise before although my parents have, so they'll be able to help me, say, find the ice cream dispenser.

I tease (kind of) but this trip is a gift from my parents to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  Wow, right?  Fifty years of having that person in your life, through so many things.  Through moving across the world, starting a family, raising children, health challenges, and all the rest of it.  I feel very lucky that they're giving us this memory making trip and that they found each other fifty years ago.

It's odd when you sit and think about the fact that whatever piece of fate brought your biological parents together is the reason you exist.  Without whatever that might have been... I wouldn't be here.  You wouldn't be reading this.  I wouldn't be about to visit a part of the world I've yet to see.

So from the cooler, wetter, water surrounded trip, I'll be coming back and heading off to the opposite.  Not a cruise.  No water.  Heat.

It's going to be an adventure filled few weeks, that's for sure.

(Insert cruise ship honking noise here.)

Shy Isn't Quite The Right Word

In the last month or two, Jason has taken me to a few different photo shoots.

Now, they weren't photo shoots in the America's Next Top Model kind of way, they were community events that he had been asked to shoot at and was taking me along so I could also take some shots.

But every time, I got nervous.

Shy isn't quite right, I just get all caught up in my head thinking about will I get in their way, what will they think of me (probably not positive thoughts, my head tells me) will I annoy people or, I don't even know what.  I could probably have told you more accurately what bothers me if I'd written this right before or after one of these events, but it's a feeling of knowing I'm not in my comfort zone.

Like, if I threw a party at my house, I'd not be worried at all taking photos.  Having my camera before C-Dawg's wedding (while we were chilling out) I wasn't worried about taking photos.  But take me to a concert in a bar?  Not only do I not know anyone, I don't know the space or the crowd or how to make my camera take shots in this particular light and how do I get the shots I want without getting in someone's space and ugh.  It's not fun.

I'm sure the only way to get over that feeling of it not being fun is to just keep doing it so I've gone with Jason to most, if not all, of the events he's asked me to, and because they've always been people he knows and/or is friends with, I've always felt ... out of place.

And on top of that I keep trying to explain to Jason that while they're not trying to be exclusionary, I feel excluded.  He can't expect me to go spend time with people he knows who all know each other and are sharing whatever interest we're there to celebrate (music, bikes, cars, whatever) that I will just be part of the crew.  It doesn't work that way.  They're new people to me, we're not friends, doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or wouldn't be, it just means we're strangers.  So we're strangers, and I'm only there because Jason's bringing me along and we're pointing cameras at people and things, which not everyone likes and there are social things happening to which I don't know the expectations or whatever, and they're all happily hanging out together and I feel like the kid at the dance no one asks to dance with because they just legitimately don't even know she's there.

Which is fine.  I don't want to be noticed as a photographer, I want to be able to blend in, so it's not about that.  It's just... it always makes me nervous going in and I can't really explain why.

Maybe I don't think my presence there is adding anything?  Like, I know Jason will get good shots, but I don't believe that I will so I maybe head in feeling like a tag along or something.

I always do fine, and Jason always says that people liked me but I'm just saying it's not something I enjoy.  You know?

Vs

Jason and I had an interesting conversation the other day.  For a while now, he's been mentioning that he's mentoring me in photography and every time he says it it irks me.

So finally I told him that I didn't know what he meant by "mentoring" and he said he was teaching me.

Which then started the discussion, because to me, to teach someone you actively choose something and talk to them about it and help them learn whatever it is.  Like, that button there makes the camera go click, see?  Try pressing the button, good, good job, you learned that.

Jason's argument was that hadn't my photos gotten better in the time I've known him?  And yes, they have, but for me it became an argument of semantics.  Me picking stuff up or learning things along the way isn't the same as "being taught."

Sure, my photos have gotten better (not that you're seeing that, I stopped updating this flickr a long while ago) but it hasn't felt like the active process I would associate with having been taught.  I don't feel like he's said, I'm going to teach you X and then showed me how to do X and then sent me to out do X and then patted me on the back when I've achieved X.  So to me, I don't know... I get frustrated by the term.

Is it like, some kind of teaching by osmosis?  Is it a catalyst for faster creative and technical growth?  Is asking someone a question and getting a response the same as them teaching you?

But, yeah... learning something vs being taught something.  Thoughts?

A Little Melancholy

The days are getting noticeably shorter.  It's dark at 9:30 now, and the mornings aren't quite so bright.

I know this is what time does, and life, but it still fills me with a certain sadness to know that summer is slowing down.

I've had a really good summer.  I've felt really relaxed by it, although I wouldn't say it's been easy.  Lots of thinking and personal change/growth that I'm not even really sure I processed yet. 

I'm not saying the hot weather is done, that's yet to be seen, but I have my holiday time coming up, including a family trip (long time since we've all done that) and then, of course, Burning Man, and whatever that is going to bring this year.

I'm fairly proud of how I'm managing my stress level right not, to be honest.  My living room has been strewn with the innards of the two giant bins I pack for Burning Man, and my bike (I fixed some lights and things on it, and Jason had it for ages to work on the cables and I lost my spot in the bike locker apparently... will deal with that when I'm back) and clutter in my apartment generally isn't calming.  So that's going on and I'm trying to figure out packing for two trips, and if I can finish packing for the second one before I even leave on the first one and trying not to spend money but finding all those last minute things I feel I need.  Like batteries for the lantern I haven't checked since last year... all the batteries on things have needed replaced this go around and so that means I needed new batteries. 

And to make sure that I have enough of whatever I need (medications and food) for the two days in between my trips and then for when I get back, oh and also mailing off birthday cards and things to people since I won't be here to do that and figuring out when to do laundry, and water my plants and then hearing people online (stupid online) worrying about the weather (talk of rain and high winds) and thinking of all the details of a two vehicle road trip and co-ordination (walkie talkies, so as not to text while driving or use up phone calls... should work we figure?) and all the what if's I know can potentially happen and then the huge what if of the people I've said I'll try to meet up with when we're down there and even one who might be more than huggable and not to mention we don't actually know where we're camping but have a spot where we'd *like* to camp (by the neighbours we met last year and now call friends) but what if that's not available and what if it rains on our entry this year and what if X, Y, Z, and I'm doing pretty well just breathing.

Breathing and reminding myself we'll work it out.  Connor and I have done this twice together now and it's been fine.  More than, really.  Always smooth, even with the vehicle breakdowns first year.  So, it's just Sarah and being with her that's the new portion for the drive.  And it's good to get a change in there as there's no guarantee Connor will always be able to drive with me.  I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but we're down to just the three of us, and we'll make that work no problem too.

So, yeah, I'm managing the stress pretty well I think.  Packing and organizing and sorting and preparing and planning and imagining and getting worried but then reminding myself not to.... that it won't help or change anything. 

Oh, and that's just my travel thoughts... not the rest of life thoughts, ha!

Like, say, how to find the head space and emotional time and literal time to write posts, and what?  Posts for when I'm away too?  Oh geez. 

Cross your fingers y'all.  Apparently I need to get my brain back into writing mode, and quick.

Owning It

So I just heard from Jason's friend, he of the radio silence.

He apologized for ignoring and explained that he hadn't meant to be rude but that it had been rude and he was sorry, and that he'd hit a rough patch.

I appreciate him sending the message, and wish more of us were mature enough to say so when we do something that's not in alignment with what we feel is kind or good or polite or nice or whatever.

Sure, I could still say it would have been better if he hadn't ignored me at all in the first place or if he had let me know at the time he was going to pull into himself for a while, but apologizing is better than nothing.

Which is also when I re-remind myself that whatever's going on with him has nothing to do with me.  And isn't a reflection on me.

I'm glad he let me know, I know that couldn't have been easy and shows a maturity I'm happy to see is there.

That's all for now.  No change of heart here, (other than feeling slightly more respected I suppose).

Like Ships, Passing In The Night

I have a squirrel.  I call him Buddy.

At least, I assume it's just the one guy.

There's this squirrel you see (let's just assume it's the same one, ok?) and a few times a day he runs along the roof I can see out my window.  So I call out "Hi buddy!"

And then, after I'd said it for a while, I realized I'd named him.  My squirrel buddy is named Buddy!

So I have a pet.  And I don't even have to feed him or nothin.

Go, Buddy, go!  Off to wherever it is your little hopping legs take you.  See you next time!

Morning

Here's to foggy Saturday mornings.  Have a great weekend.

Twists

I'm on a couple of social media type sites and in some Burning Man groups on them.

For the last year or so I've followed some photographers and last week one of them followed me back and we started talking.

Or, messaging, really, about cameras and what we were going to shoot with at Burning Man this year.

I'd seen this guy's work around and he seemed very "burner"-esque to me so I was surprised that he'd only been a year before me for his first.  I don't know, that somehow made me feel like less of a ... newbie or something?

Anyway.  He's one of a few people that I've said, hey, yeah, we should try to meet up this year, that would be cool.

Except, it's hard to explain why that's not as easy as it sounds... but that's not the point.

The point is it's making me nervous to meet someone, this someone, because he thinks I'm cool.  And maybe when we meet we might like to smooch.  And then it's like, uh... bye, never see you again?

I don't know, I'm sure I'm reading too much into it (I do that on occasion you know!)  (I know you know) and it won't be anything more than a way to push myself out of my comfort zone of meeting people there.  Which is weird, because I met people last year.  Am still in contact with them, and really looking forward to seeing them again.  So... I don't know why this makes me feel more shy except it's a purposeful meeting rather than a random, hey, you're camped next to me, hi kind of meeting.

So, yeah.  I have a few people I've connected with on line and we've said we'll try to find each other this year.  Which is cool.

And this one particular person?  Well... he could be smooch worthy. 

And what an amazing place to have a first date, eh?

Or not.

Not a date. 

Just a hi.

Gah.  Let's not get my brain overthinking, ok?   Let's just see if I can't get back into post writing habits so I can head out of town for a trip or two and not leave you staring at an empty blog for weeks!

I didn't say nothin.

The end.

Weeks

I did end up hanging out with that guy again (Jason's friend.) 

He's not been well, so instead of going for a walk, we just hung out at my place.  Which I appreciated, as he said he wanted me to be comfortable and I always feel more comfy at my place than in someone else's. 

So we hung out and talked about who knows what, and no, we didn't smooch or nothin.

I feel like I had too many walls up to kind of let myself do that.

I did bring it up though, because really, after the openness and honesty of my relationship with Jason, I'm not going to bring a new person into my life if we can't just be totally honest and upfront.  So as much as I didn't REALLY want to I made myself be honest and tell him that, yes, I find him attractive and part of me wouldn't mind smooching and stuff but that I kind of didn't really know what to do with that information.

Either it's always this awkward when you're first getting to know someone and I've just forgotten or I feel extra shy with this guy.

I think I snuggled against him at some point but I really did feel reserved and cautious and he headed home and I was like.... ergh?

We exchanged a "that was cool, thanks" message that night and I checked in with him a few days later (he's busy with work and health) and.... that's it for now.

Honestly, I was hurt at first.  Kind of like, really?  You're back to ignoring me again?  But that passed after a while and now I'm just... neutral.

Maybe we'll hang out again at some point in the future, maybe not.  He knows how to contact me if he wants to hang our or smooch or some combination of the above.  What else can I say?

I'm going to be busy anyway, with a trip and then back and then off to Nevada for Burning Man, so whatever opportunity we may have had to have a smoochy fest has receded as the days have gone on.

But that was on my mind for a week, I guess.  Probably the week after the wedding when I was extra tired by everything anyway.

So yeah... an update of sorts, but nothing terribly juicy.

Honestly, it was that sigh of remembrance.... how gnarly it feels to want to kiss/touch someone but to be also feeling shy and nervous and not sure how to make it happen or how to interpret his attempts at making it happen... I am long out of high school, I swear.  But it felt just the same.

Le sigh.

Sleepy

I haven't had the best sleep that last few days.  Or maybe just not the longest.  Unsettled mind not letting me fall asleep.  Unsettling my mind before bed.

Sleeping fine but waking up and not as full of energy as I might be, that restless feeling, trying to keep the nerves at bay.

But they want to be active.... the nerves want out.

But I'm too tired for that just now too.

Can't quite wrap my brain around typing out words for here, but trying to get there. 

I'm fine.  I'm fine, don't get me wrong, just unsettled I suppose.  Shift after shift and aftershocks must be terrifying.

A wasp got into my living room yesterday.  But I watched it find its way out.  That it was smart enough to do that was both reassuring and a little frightening.

I think I'll try for an earlier bedtime tonight.

Ahhhhhh

Oh long weekends, how I love you.

I think I feel relaxed after this one, which is nice.  That may also have to do with the fact I have two weeks booked off at the end of August.

Which, you know what?  Is going to be here way too fast. 

I'm all a jumble at the moment, but will try to sort my thoughts a little better.  So far, post C-Dawg's wedding my morning dreams have been back to not so good Burning Man dreams.  So I suppose my brain is processing the next "stressful" event in the way it does.

Anyhoo.  I would wish you a happy Monday but it's already Tuesday, go figure!

Have a good one, talk soon.