Wordless

I find myself wordless again this evening (it's Tuesday night as I write this) after an unexpected emotional hit that left me in tears and empty of other thoughts.

I sometimes wish I could cry more, even if that's a strange thing to say, because there are some times when a cry that's that deep and honest can really make you feel a lot better.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Weather or Not

I think most of us here have adjusted to the "new weather normal" of... well, this weird version of Fall we seem to be having.

Sure, it doesn't feel like snow's coming anymore and we're back to the rains we're used to but it still feels that much colder than we're used to for now.  You know?

Environment Canada still seems to miss more often than not with their Weather Warnings.. predicting storms and things that seem to slip past us.  I don't know.

Weather's weird.  We all know this.  I mean, I was driving home from a friend's the other night and it had been bucketing rain down all evening.  Wind and rain and a serious Autumn night.

By the time I got home (a little over a ten minute drive away, not far at all) it was barely dripping.

So was there just a cloud hovering over my friend's house, cartoon style or what?

Le sigh.

I love weather.  But I sure don't understand it.  And I'm not sure years of study would change that all that much!

Oh, Y'all?

I'm not doing so well.  Or great.  Or... whatever.  I'm just not.

I'm not saying this to worry anyone, but even saying that is, ironically part of the problem (my over-arching, unhealthy "need"/desire to protect everyone from everything... including my perceived... self?)

I don't think there's any great need for worry on your part... (as in, I'm not at any great risk of immediate death sort of thing) but yeah, I feel like all aspects of my life, health, self, etc. are in a really un-good spot.

Sigh.

It's been a rough couple of years.  As I've sort of alluded to here and there.  But this last month has been beyond whatever level of difficulty I was already dealing with.

Part of that is my stuff, part of that is the struggles of Jason.. who has been a solid friend and touchstone (or whatever we call that kind of person) for me through these struggles of mine.

I can't/won't speak of what's going on for him as it's not my place to do so, but it's hard on him in a way I'm trying to support him through, but it's taking a toll.  (No, that doesn't make sense but I'm at a loss as to what to say here... you know?  Not my story to tell.)

So yeah, I'm not doing well, and I don't even like saying that "out loud."

Sigh.

I WUV YOU!!!!!

Hi all,
Just discovered Yahoo hasn't been notifying me of comments for several months, so I may have missed a bunch of your comments!
I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know. Sorry!

*runs off to read stuff*

Seriously!

I'm not a violent person but I really want to punch out the Time Change.

Or, you know, maybe find someone to punch it out for me cuz I don't know how to punch and would rather not accidentally break my hand or knuckles or something.

I JUST WANT A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND NOT TO BE HUNGRY AT THE "WRONG" TIME AND HAVE IT BE DARK AT NOON-O'CLOCK!!!! GAH!

*sigh*

Ouch Times Two...

There's a great difficulty for me in watching someone I care about going through something I know I do myself and wanting to guide them and help them and support them but then seeing their actions as a mirror of mine and feeling somewhat helpless to help myself.

That's not really a completely straightforward statement I know but I'm frustrated for myself while hurting for and concerned about my friend.

It's kind of a brutal double whammy, you know?

Deep Breaths

Because I don't like politics or political debates, I'm turning off comments just as a precaution (although I trust you all, I do not trust the internet.)

I feel terrified by the seeming inability of some people (seemingly an entire neighbouring country) to sway from their point of view.

The absolute resolve some (many???) seem to have in the rightness of their thoughts/beliefs/viewpoints is making what are difficult situations more and more dangerous.

I am perhaps on an extreme in that I always try to see the other side.  It is incredibly hard on me and frustrating and tiring, but I think it's important.  In debating, we were taught to learn/guess/research what the other side would likely be thinking/presenting in order to better hone your arguments against them.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about understanding *why* people feel they do.  I think it's vitally important, especially right now in these times that seem to feel so surreal and upsetting.

I am a judgmental person.  And my acknowledgement of that means I am open to learning I may not be right.  I am working on it.  But I still always, always, try to *feel* where the other person may be coming from.

It is scaring me that so so many others are not.

And it feels like "social media" makes things that much worse.

I just want us all to be ok.  As best we can.

And I don't know what to do about it all.

It's overwhelming in scope, you know?

Happy....Winter???

I know we don't all live in the same part of the world (or even country!) but those of us who live in this little town are all sitting here rather shocked.  We seem to have skipped Autumn.

I don't mean that the leaves aren't changing, falling, and piling up, they are... I mean that the temperatures went from Summer to a day or two of Autumn and then BAM!  Cold!  (Accompanied by SNOW!) and now it's just Winter.  Cold.  Unseasonably so.  Feels like we skipped three months ahead.  And no, it's not just me.  I've heard the same thing from friends and strangers, un-prompted.  Its... odd.

I didn't even go through my transitional blanket phase.  I went from kicking off covers to needing both heavy blankets and the windows all but shut.  Zero to effing cold in less than sixty seconds.  (or hours, you know what I mean!)

Stuck In The Middle With You

Often when I have something "big" or heavy I want to talk about here, I start the post in my head.  Sometimes I fall asleep "talking" it to myself and wake up frustrated in the morning when it's gone.

Sometimes I hear it in my mind and then sit to type it out and it slips away.  Sometimes I get too scared of possible bad outcomes if I post so I hold myself back.

Lately, it's been a combo of both.  For more reasons than I care to mention. 

But the things I want (but am scared) to say always start with "two years ago"...

I've even tried to go back in archives to scan but damn if back searching a blog isn't annoying.  (I have a hard hate on for the reverse posting in archives... I'm sure there's a way to change/fix it but meh.  Meh I say, meh!)

But looking back at two years ago now-ish, I did talk about things.  Maybe not at the level of intensity I was feeling, but I did.  And I also have to be honest that I don't like re-hashing it but I did an odd combination of shutting down my writing while still semi writing and it's been weird and so this place has sort of dried up.  At least in terms of me getting out my biggest thoughts; my too big thoughts.

So thank you again for sticking in this middle ground with me.  Thanks for gently encouraging and "holding the space" for me to be as I am as best I can in this digital social no-real-privacy world.  I'm working on it.  That may not mean I get there, but I am.

I'm writing in my head... even if it's only the first line.

*Waves*

A well needed, if sombre-occasioned long weekend.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Oh And?

I may have been bitten by a magic mosquito.  I just realized it.

Probably explains the magic paper cut ability though.

Because, really, how the bleep is there a mosquito around to bite me after the cold snap we had this weekend that included snow?  HOW?

Magic... that's how.

Peter Parker ain't got nothing on me!

(Sigh.  He's actually way cooler....)

Ladies And Gentlemen...

I would like to announce that I am magic.  Yes, it's true.

The proof, you ask?  Well, I got a papercut without touching any paper.

In fact.  I have no idea where or when I might have acquired the papercut so, therefore, I AM MAGIC!!!!! *waves hands around*

The lineup for autographs starts over there.

*Takes a bow*

Don't Try It At Home

So I inadvertently tried something new with the daylight savings fiasco this weekend... I didn't sleep.

Like, no, not one of those "I had a bad sleep but am going to say I didn't sleep" nights, I literally didn't sleep.

Long story as to why, but it was 8am (so actually 9am) the Sunday morning before I even was even able to attempt to close my eyes, and well, yeah no.

Because I didn't do it on purpose, I was somewhat hopeful that it would be this magic re-set and that the next day I'd have reverse jet-lagged myself out of the time-change weirdness but no. 

So, don't try it at home, I'm letting you know I'm still disoriented and on top of that I'm way behind in sleep.

*crosses that off the list of "things to try next time to make it suck less"*

Dear All,

We are now in the twilight zone of "what time is it?" and "why is it so dark/why am I this hungry?"  I have high hopes that this blog may continue to speak of things other than the evils and horrors of the time change, but if the past has taught us anything, it is that the author of this blog is utterly unable to transition during the time changes without whining about it mentioning it.

We hope you can bear through these trying times and that regularly scheduled blogging will resume as soon as we figure out how to re-set the travel alarm in the closet and get used to it not being light at the end of the day.

Thank you for your patience,
Management

IT SNOWED

IT SNOWED!!!!!!!!

Thirty First

Happy Whatever This Day Means To You!

Be safe and happy whatever you do/believe/celebrate.

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."

I'm the kind of ok you put in quotation marks, so please excuse me for a few days.

In other news, the end of October has been stunningly beautiful weather wise around here!

How?

There was an absolutely GIANT moth in my place last night.

Like.  GIANT!

I mean, not as giant as some of the ones they get in other parts of the world (size of a plate type thing) but still... this is one of the biggest moths I've ever seen.

And I keep wondering how it got in!

I mean, I know my bug screens aren't tightly fitted... there are gaps, and yes, things get through those gaps but I feel like this moth was even too big for them!  Or it must have taken some really crazy maneuvering to get itself through the spaces.

Which begs the question... why?

Was it an accidental sort of thing or did it try really hard to get closer to... whatever... light?  Heat?  Food smell?  (I don't know, I'm making stuff up.)

I escorted it back outside with a glass and stiff piece of paper but man oh man that thing was big and it was terrifying as it was flapping about inside the glass.  CLINK CLINK CLINK.

Gah!

Shhhhhh

I don't want to say anything outloud or anything.... and I don't want to jinx anything but...

*looks around*

*whispers*

I think I might be over the worst of this cold?

*says loudly*... SO, HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER EH?

Ahem.

Ok, Look

I know we've been through this before, but it's dark now at 6:30 or so.  Why do we have to move it up even earlier?

Can't we just... not?  Please?

Pretty pretty please???

Yerp

Miserable with cold.
Plus not sleeping.
Plus brain not functioning.
This is no fun.

Ugh!

So everyone around me has been getting sick with this nasty cold.

I've felt like I was walking around in a bubble as everyone around me dropped like flies.

And then... I made the mistake of thinking I'd avoided getting it.

I stayed up too late a night or two, didn't sleep well... and bam.

It got me.

I'm trying to tell myself it didn't get me as badly as it seems to have knocked everyone else out but I'm hesitant to say that lest I jinx myself yet again.

So, yeah.  I caught that cold.

Am bummed.  Was hoping I'd avoided it.

Plus it's making me grumpy.

Boo.  Hiss.

Sniff.

Please Love Me?

I think I've talked about Jason's cat.

The cat that isn't his cat but totally is his cat?

Well, in case I haven't... Jason and his roommate have known this cat since he was born (apparently) and he and his brother cat (who looks nothing like him and that I love so so much for reasons) were abandoned by their owners when they moved.

As in, the owners moved and left the cats.

Because I don't know and didn't actually know Jason at all at the time, I can't say how accurate this is but that's where we start.

So this cat was, when I met him, bascially a feral cat.  Lives who knows how, outdoors.  Hated people, tough, mean tom cat.

Over the years, and since I met Jason and cat, cat started to get a bit ... not friendlier, but at least mildly tolerant of Jason, and after a time, myself.  He loved the backyard, and seemed to make it his territory.  And then Jason started feeding him.  Or leaving food out for him.  And well, now they're buddies.

The cat now loves Jason.  And I like to think me too.  I certainly love him.  He'll tolerate pets when he wants them and maybe, just maybe to be picked up for a second or two, but no more than that.

I had to laugh the other day because I suddenly felt like a stereotypical teenager with an unrequited crush.

There I was, chasing after the cat, begging, just BEGGING for him to let me pet him.  PLEASE, I just wanna LOVE YOU!!!!

He stopped.  Looked at me.  I approached.  He walked away.

I JUST WANNA LOVE HIM!!!!!

It's my understanding that this is how cats are.  And it is extra special when he does come running over for attention and love.  But it still struck me as funny.  I've never been one of those love-struck-teenagers who pined over someone and ran after them begging for their attention.  But apparently I am now... with a cat.

Little bugger.

(But seriously.  I JUST WANNA LOVE HIM!!!!!)

(And no, I'm not a cat person, and I can't have one in my place anyway.  And the idea of an animal pooping in a box in my house is nasty to me anyway)

It's Been A Pleasure Doing Business With You, Mr Downie

Pausing for a moment to say that I am broken-hearted that Gord Downie, the lead singer of The Tragically Hip... a band that was the soundtrack to my (and so many other Canadians') life has died.

There's an immense pain and sadness and the words and tributes that came out yesterday were bittersweet.

I had the Hip on shuffle all day yesterday.

Jason had me over and we played some songs extra loud on his really good stereo.

We all got the chance to say goodbye to him already.

This doesn't make it hurt any less.

Gord inspires me for so many reasons.  He was authentic.  He could write.  He was a wordsmith.  He was so... real.

And he reminded us that Canada needs to change for the better.  To pay attention to all of us.

When I left on my trip last year, I taped a sign in the back window of my van... "In Gord We Trust."  

Honestly, I was holding out for a miracle.  And I've been told that the amount of time we got with him post diagnosis was a miracle.  But I selfishly wanted more.

Not just for me.  For Canada.  For his family.  His children.  His bandmates.  For all of us. 

My words are inadequate.  Gord's never were.

The Echo Chamber

Sound carries, yes?

But I think not everyone is aware of this.  Or maybe doesn't notice.  Or something.  But nevertheless.  It carries.

I live on the back-side of my building.  (As in... the front of the building faces the road we're on, street address wise, and I'm at at the back of the building from that.)  So I look out onto our parking area, and the neighbouring building (the side of it.)

There is also, to my left, another (side) of a building... so the back area, where my windows open out to, creates a little bit of a sound... echo chamber.  Or maybe "echo" isn't the right word.  It's an amplification.... thing.  Like... I can hear you talking on the porch of the other building.  Or I can hear the conversation you have on your cell phone by your parked car.

Or... in this case... I can hear the.... very loud... exclamations of pleasure that one of my neighbours puts out when, er... when her boyfriend is... visiting.  (Ahem)

Y'all?  My neighbour is very.  Very.  Loud.

And I'm not sure she knows.  She lives on the opposite end of the echo chamber so may not have the same sound resonance I do. 

Or, let's be honest, she may just not care.

But dude.  It's woken me from sleep.  Really.

She is incredibly loud.  And vocal.  And... it's not short lived either.  I suppose he's.. maybe... you know, very... um... good at.. the things that make her... scream so?  But... still.

So yeah.  My neighbour is really loud during sex and I don't think there's anyone in this, or the surrounding two buildings who hasn't/doesn't hear her.

And I don't have the heart to tell her.  (I'm 95% sure I know which neighbour it is too...)

And to make it ... even more.. ridiculous?  The other morning, she was... you know, doing her thing and as the pitch and volume increased, it melded PERFECTLY into a seagull's raucous screeching.

Which had me laughing at who knows what o'clock in the morning. My neighbour's sex screams set off a seagull.

Yep.  *That* is what my very happy neighbour sounds like in bed.

The end!

Monthly

A year or so ago, Jason and I were driving somewhere to hike and take some photos and he said my car sounded funny.

I have to admit that previous to this, I hadn't paid much attention to my car and how it sounded.  In part, because what would I do if I noticed a weird noise anyway?  And in part because I keep it serviced regularly. 

But, Jason seems to know vehicles and so we pulled into a gas station and he had me check my oil.

I may have written about this before, but, here's where I admit how little I knew about cars and things.

I thought when you took your oil in for an oil change they just poured out the dirty oil and put in new clean oil and that this was good for... whatever reason, but it was just something that was done.  It is ever so slightly embarassing to admit that I don't think I realized that your car used up oil over time.  Um.  Yeah.

So, my car was overdue for an oil change/service but I didn't figure it was a big deal.  Jason had me check my oil and it was low.  Not dangerously low but... well, low.  Not awesome low.

"When did you last check your oil?"

Uh... I don't check my oil?  I just take it in for service?

"Ok" he said, "that has to change."  And we bought more oil and filled up my oil... thing (reservoir?) and I made sure I kept up on my service/oil changes from then on.

But... I also put a reminder on my calendar (computer calendar... it's where everything lives!) for the 15th of the month.  The reminder says "check oil, backup computer, backup blog"  and more recently also says "check tire pressure, review first aid."

Jason was somewhat amazed that I didn't do these things regularly.  I've never checked my tire pressure... I just figure they top them up when I get my service done.  My blog and computer I back up regularly... but usually "when I remember."  Which, has left me in somewhat precarious positions when said computer got sick and I couldn't remember when I did my last backup.

So now, on the 15th, the reminder pops up.  The last few times it's been no big deal.  But last month... my car was feeling sluggish.  I checked the tire pressure.  My tires were all a couple of pounds low.  Doesn't seem like a big deal but I asked Jason and he told me to go fill them up.

Which I did.  And there was a learning curve on that (which I thought I'd written about but a quick search of the blog says I haven't, d'oh) but once I got them up to proper pressure, I swear my car was perkier.  Yep.  Perkier.  I could feel a more responsive car...feeling just from a few extra pounds of air pressure!  (And apparently it'll make my car that much more fuel efficient and that much safer.  Ok!)

Then this month (this weekend) I was checking my oil and it was low.  About halfway.  Again, not bad, but crazy how that happened in a month's time.  So... I popped in a half... uh.. quart?  Litre.  I dunno... bottle thing.  And then I went to check my tire pressure, but my gauge (what a weird word) was low battery so that'll have to wait til I get a new one.  (I tried to replace the battery but it's one of those "just throw it out" kind of cheap ones which is incredibly frustrating... the thing was soldered shut and I don't have the skills to deal with that... although I did try.  I hate just throwing things out.  Will take it to a place to be properly recycled at least.  Sigh.)

So then I went to backup my blog.  (Done) And then backup my computer.

Buzzz...... uzzzzzz. uzzzzzz.

That's the noise of the external hard drive working but not being recognized by my computer.

Sigh.

So yeah, those things just... up and die apparently.

Jason's going to see if he can salvage the info (I've been doing Time Machine backups) and I've ordered a new (better) drive and hopefully my computer doesn't die before it arrives.  Sigh.

But... I guess I'm just sort of saying... it's good to check these things regularly.  (It also makes me feel proud that I've learned how.)  It's not great that my external drive died.  It's not great that my car was kind of low on oil or that my tires were a little low on air, but I found out.  Nothing BAD bad happened.  I... maintained.... did maintenance.  I've got a new drive/disk on order which is way better than my computer dying and me going to access my old backups and finding out that drive had died.

It's that whole pro-active thing I guess.  And I'm glad Jason told me and I'm glad I have my monthly reminder now.

Now I just have to get better at reviewing my first aid!  (It's less easy to do than checking oil or tire pressure... le sigh)

Huh

This is a uniquely Canadian post, but... I'm kinda bummed about the whole Sears going under thing.

I'll first go back to growing up on the mainland and the Woodwards store in Vancouver going under.  Yeah, the big giant rotating W and everything.  That was... strange. 

And I'm not terribly surprised, I suppose, about Sears.  I haven't really done any clothes shopping there in a long long while  But, to be fair, I haven't done a lot of clothes shopping at all in a while so....

I guess there's still the Bay for now.  For, you know, undies and socks, but Sears has just... always been around.  I'm sad they won't be anymore.

We also lost our Safeways around here.  I didn't follow that story too closely to see if it was an Island thing or a West Coast thing or a Canada thing but... where are we all spending our money?

Is it going to the "big box" stores like Walmart?  Or online with Amazon and the like?  Did we move away from catalogues only to move back to a catalogue-like ordering system online?

Which makes me think back to Christmas when whoever (was it Sears?) would send our their big catalogue.  And in later years, it came with a pull out toy only section.  I would go through that thing and circle the things I wanted Santa to bring.  I somehow figured he'd either be watching or would pop down and read it or something.  Not that it was a fool-proof method.  I never did get that Easy Bake oven after all.  And the catalogues never had ponies or puppies.  But hey... it was worth a shot, right?  I mean, Santa doesn't bring EVERYTHING you want.  (Still kind of mad about that Easy Bake though.)

So yeah... Sears is... done.  And at least one of the local malls here is going to have to find a new "flagship" (or whatever the term is) store.  People here are salivating for an IKEA.  Y'all?  We're not getting an IKEA.  And if we were, it's not going in *that* mall.  (They're standalone stores for pete's sake.)

I don't know why this one is striking me as sadder than some of the other closures.  Money is weird.  Retail is weird.  I wonder what all the people will do who have had a career in that store (those stores.)

The times they are a-changing?

Not February

Heat (and hot water) went off again the other night.

Wasn't a huge deal for me as I'd already showered and, well, it's not February.

There are mixed blessings to renting.  I mean, I don't have to pay to get the whoever to come out and figure out the heating.  But I also have to wait on the manager person to call.

But as I say, wasn't a huge deal... but if it happens again in the cold snap like it did last Winter.  Well, that was not quite so easy to deal with.

Sigh.  Winter's coming... and not in a GoT kind of way.

More?

I imagine I'll maybe talk a bit more at some point about not going to Burning Man this year... the good, the bad, the confusing...  But I'm a little bit all over the place here and when I find (make?) time to sit down and write, it's not always on my mind.

Sometimes I get existential Blog angst.  Why bother?  Why?  And I just want to hit the delete all button.

But... I don't.  Or at least so far I haven't.

Blogs aren't the thing they were ten years ago.  I know I don't read many (any?) anymore most days.  Part of that is my (far too excessive) internet time is spent elsewhere.  Part of that is my lack of attention span at the moment.  Part of that is other poeple's (curated) lives make me feel like mine is sorely lacking.  And that's in no small part due to me having chosen to not talk about a lot of things. 

A lot.

I hope (I think?) I'm working up to cracking open a little about that.  And then I sort of laugh and wonder why I'm holding myself back when there's really only three of us here reading anymore.  Three... or four.  You know.  You all.

But then I remind myself that doesn't mean my Mom won't read it.  Or my friend, or future ex or who knows.  I am also pretty tired of the noise in my head and blogging used to be a good way to get some of that out.  Until I made it not.  And well... thanks for those of you who are still here. You know?

Sigh.

Well, I guess it's time to talk about it.

At least a little.

I didn't go to Burning Man this year.

I'm not terribly thrilled about that, nor was it an easy decision to make, but I did write down a bunch of pros and cons on a list and I kept the "Pros of not going" list to share.

So... here are the reasons it was + for me NOT to go...

+  I would get some money back (I was able to sell my ticket, and get my camp dues back... I was going to stay with a big camp this year for the first time.  I lost some in the exchange rate back and forth, but I did at least get some money back and money is very tight for me these days so that was a plus)

+ I would have less stress (especially around the travel portion)

+ I would not have to deal with all the dust

+ I would not have to deal with the heat that I was not well prepared for (and apparently it was one of the hottest years in a long long time... I don't think my body would have handled that all that well this year, especially if I'd been back in a tent...)

+ No sore spots from bike riding.  (I hadn't been on a bike, beyond at the gym for a few, since last August since my bike has been stranded with my van, so I wasn't even able to pre-prepare my bottom and legs and all the rest for the biking.  And even when I have been able to bike pre-August, I still get bike sores.  It's a lot of riding and the dust [see above] causes chafing if you wear shorts or a skirt.  So, none of that.)

+  Choosing not to go would mean I wouldn't have to stress about the state of my gear, van, bike, etc.  And I wasn't prepared to go to Burning Man without my gear in good shape.  So not going meant no more wondering about that.

+ I would not risk getting a UTI.  (Not sure if I've mentioned it before but the playa's alkalinity can wreak havoc on women's urinary tracts and I often come back with things less than joyous "down there"... even though I load up on cranberry.  Not going eliminated that risk entirely)

+ I would not have the September cough I always seem to get when I return.  (Maybe "playa lung", maybe co-incidence... probably all the dust getting stuck in my lungs.)

+ No weird feet thing.  (There's been something the last few years where I return and my toes get weird.  It's not athlete's foot, but it's like my feet don't like being in that environment for a week and then coming back home to damp and socks and shoes... I don't know.  All I know is it only happens post Burning Man)

+ I would have a flush toilet, running water, my own bed, food, a fridge!, as much ice as I wanted from my freezer, oh and did I mention a flush toilet?  for the week.

Yeah.

I didn't keep the Cons of not going list, but it was mainly to do with not seeing people, not seeing things, art, not being there, not being in the dust in that beautiful environment, not going five years in a row, and being disappointed.

As it turns out I think it was a good year to have missed, for a few reasons.  Although I would still have liked to have gone.  Or to have been able to go, I should say.  Because really, I wasn't able to go this year.

And that sucked.

NOooooooOOooOoooo

I seem to have become some sort of... active Fall denier.

Like, yesterday, it was sunny.  And I decided it was sunny enough that I could wear my sandals.

Yeah, I was somehow THAT person.

And?  I was cold.  Even with my jeans and a warm sweater type thing it kind of wasn't.... sandal weather.

I just don't want to let go!

Sun sets closer to 6:30 every day, and I'm pretty sure that's at least two hours earlier than I'd like it to be.  You know... ever.

Sigh.

Yeah.  I pushed my luck with sandals today.  CUZ IT'S ONLY THE START OF FALL YOU GUYS!!!

*whimper*

So....?

How was your weekend?

(And how's your tummy?)

Gobble

Wishing all my Canadian friends a very happy Thanksgiving long weekend.

See you on the flip side!

(By the way, what is the "flip side" anyway?)

Early Days

Things here lately have reminded me of the early days of this blog.  Now, I at least know a few people are checking in here and there, but back then I was speaking into the void, really never knowing if anyone was or would ever read.

Because I've been through what I imagine is the heyday of blogging, I don't know that I'll ever give up the anonymity and privacy I chose to have since the start and there are still things I'm not comfortable talking about.  I always remember what my friend said when I told him I was starting an anonymous blog... "write knowing that anyone you write about will one day read it."

So while there are times I'd like to use this as a venting spot to rant and rave about situations or people, I try to keep it to things I'd be ok saying to someone's face, or having them read.

Which, really.... might not the world be a better place if we all did that?  Only said behind someone's back what we'd be ok saying to their face?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

As the seasons (very slowly and awkwardly at times) start to change, I thought I'd try to think of reasons and things to look forward to this Winter as it's often been a hard time of year for me.

So far I've thought of looking forward to mandarin oranges, blankets and hot water bottles (and getting cozy and warm in general), wind storms, the chance of snow, and, um... the, uh, countdown to Spring/Summer?  (Whoops, not that one... erase, erase)

Shaking My Head (At Myself)

I'm not yet sure how to put this into words, but lately I've been realizing, I have fairly skewed understanding of others.

Or of myself.

Or both.

Probably both.

It's like I've always assumed/thought/believed everyone was equal to or better than me in terms of ability (not in terms of worth, I think we're all equal in terms of worth, but that's a philosophical debate for another time and place.)  So... if we imagine I'm good at Math (I use this as an example because I've always felt I was weak with math when I was probably not all that weak), I assume everyone else is as good as I am at Math, if not better.  So when I discover people who have a hard time adding two and two I get confused. 

I'm oversimplifying here because I don't yet have the words to put together what I'm trying to say.  I'm just realizing my viewpoint... my understanding of everyone else is wrong.

Like, my basis for travelling through the world as a co-human is incorrect.

Stereotypical Yawning Noise

I was at a conference thing all weekend so I'm too sleepy to make many words.  Or at least words that might make sense.

Still getting confused weather around here.  This weekend (ish) I had a night with just my sheet and then a few days later I put on another blanket. 

There was rain, and then sun and then sun and oh, wind!

And while we're at it, happy October. 

Trickster

It got warm again these last few days.

I'd already half-Autum-ized my place, but have had to throw off the blankets the last couple of nights and it's been back to sandals and cool outfits.

I hear the rain's coming, but the blazing sun has been glorious, even if the stuffy heat has been a bit unexpectedly odd.

Y'all?

We have a problem...

Whoops

Got a little bit confused about the day cuz.... either stomach bug or ate something not so great or something but as I said most of yesterday "getting repeatedly stabbed in the stomach" feeling is no fun at all.

But hey, the weather is gorgeous today so yay for that!

Dark at 7:30pm

That happened fast...

Stomp, Stomp, Stomp

No, that's not my downstairs neighbours (although really, how loud to you have to be to disturb someone ABOVE you?) that's me stomping around because I'm super grumpy.

It's Sunday night as I write this and I spent hours today (yeserday, I know) doing paperwork that was necessary but so so frustrating.  ARGH!

I'm an organized person but it was still really time consuming and annoying and sure, I'm glad it's done (or will be when the confirming email comes through.)  Sigh.

But yeah, that was grumpy making.

I did, however, watch the new (ish) Beauty and the Beast and cried like a ... crying person at the end.

(But that was pre-grump-making-paperwork)

Anyway.  That's done.  For a while... I guess? 

Ahhhhhh

You know when someone says "is it just me?" on the internet, it's never just them but... am I the only one who feels a huge sigh of internal relief when something gets tidied?

Like... I shred any identifying paperwork, like bills or bank statements and that sort of thing, for security.  And I let that stuff pile up... for months... and in this case, months and months.  And every time I go into the closet where the shredder (and waiting to be shredded papers) is (which, it's the closet where my clothes are... I have very little closet/storage space in my place, so it's every day, often more than once) I see it and I notice it and once it gets to a certain level of full I think "I need to deal with that."

And when I'm extra stressed or busy (or both) I see the overflowing thing and maybe I write it down on a to do list.

So it's not like a MASSIVE stress but it's there and I'm peripherally aware of it.

Last night I sat for a while and shredded the current load.  And when I was done, it was like my brain sighed a very happy and relieved sigh of ahhhhhh.... done.  Tidy.  Ahhh.

Tiding and cleaning and sorting always makes me feel at least a little bit calmer. 

Just me?

Ick

All I could think yesterday was "how is it not Friday?"  because, really.... long week is long.  Apparently.

In other, completely unrelated news, I have a potentially icky thing to mention.

I have ear piercings.  Two on each ear.  Got the first when I was young-ish (11? 12?  I honestly forget) and the second when I was less young-ish (19?  20?) but that's not really the point.

Every once in a while I take my earrings out to clean them.... and... to clean the.. uh... holes?

I'm not sure I want to know exactly what it is so I'm just going to say it's a buildup of soap and shampoo and dirt and uh, skin cells that I then have to (look away if you're squeamish) kinda push out of the holes.

I figure it's a good thing to keep them clean, but as I say, I try not to think too much about what it is (and no, they're not cheap earrings, I do think it's just shampoo type buildup)

So... there's some pretty flowers to look at instead of thinking about the other thing I mentioned, ok?  Ok!

So...

I see faces in things.

Not... like in a creepy way, and I don't mean, you know, beyond actual faces on actual... people and things, I mean I see faces in patterned things?

Like.... my towel, or the ceiling at the dentist, or the pattern on the kitchen floor, or the stucco wall.  I see faces!

Sometimes front on, sometimes in profile.  I often wish I could draw them, but they sometimes disappear if/when I take my eye off of them.

I'm sure some of them have to do with light/shadow at certain angles, but yeah, I see faces in random .... patterns.

(And the ones you see in, say, a couple of screws or the garbage can mouth kind of thing)

Uh...

Totally forgot what I was going to say... so... here's some pretty flowers for you!

Started reading a book that a friend recommended (and then Jason saw I was reading and was like OOH I love that book!) but I am quite confused.

Anyone read "The Illuminatus! Trilogy"?  And if so, am I ever going to understand it?  Is it just a groove I have to get into?

I mean, I'm not lost, exactly, I'm just not really following... if that makes sense?


Edit:  I just googled and found this on wikipedia... "The narrative often switches between third- and first-person perspectives in a nonlinear narrative"  Which.. yeah, I kinda figured that but still.... brain no... workie?

Fall

Fall is sneaking in on us here.  If things hold, I'll be taking down some bug screens to close up some windows and possibly even putting another blanket on my bed... although that will probably wait a while yet.

The leaves haven't started changing yet, but they're falling... probably more due to lack of rain than anything.

Days are shorter.  Somehow that came quite quickly the last couple of weeks and there has been a chill in the air for a bit... certainly in the mornings and evenings, although it's still not yet jacket weather... hoodies and such are still manageable.

It's not Fall yet.. but I can feel and see it coming.  Which, in some ways, is kind of cool.  Even if this time of year can feel a little long sometimes.

Oh, My Heart

I watched the Tragically Hip movie last night.

The one that follows their last tour and talks about Gord Downie's brain cancer diagnoses and just... all of it.

It was as heart-wrenching as I expected it to be, but I appreciated getting to see/hear more from the other guys in the band and their behind the scenes crew as well.

The Hip mean a great deal to me, as does Mr Downie.  And I feel like I have a lot of thinking to do, yet again, after watching that.

Gord Downie inspires me in ways I can't quite put my finger on. 

Yet.

Seriously

It became mid-September in a day.  A DAY I TELL YOU!!!

Doesn't mean I'm not frustrated with the stores being all Halloween (and some even the dreaded X.... Mas)-y.

Come on now.... stop rushing me, it's going fast enough without the social consumer pressure!

Just Like That

Well, my van's back.

Yep.  The van that's been down in Northern California since almost exactly a year ago.... with all my camping and Burning Man and other gear in it.  It's all back home.  (And slowly getting washed and sorted.)

It wasn't "just like that" at all, but it was.  I still haven't talked you through the process of me not going to Burning Man this year but in the chaos that was that decision, there came an offer (that I really didn't quite believe) to drive it back for me at the end of their burn.

Which is what happened.  (Long story short.)

So, yeah, my van is back.  And so is all my stuff.  Here comes hiking with actual hiking boots again!!!!  (And so many other things I "lost" for the year while they were down there in the van)  Welcome home van.  Welcome home stuff.  Welcome home all the things I now have to clean... d'oh.

Er

Learned this one the hard way.....

So... when your dishwasher has a "heat dry" or whatever it's called option... you maybe (if you're me) have never thought through how that works.

Until... two days ago, when I was trying to clean a Nalgene plastic water bottle and at the end of the cycle there came a not good smell from the dishwasher.

I stuck my nose by the vent thing and realized it was melting plastic.... so I opened the thing and sure enough, the lid from my Nalgene had fallen and was sitting on what I now know is the heating ring.  Which was melting it spectacularly.

I pulled the thing off (making melted cheese like strings of plastic as I did so) and then wanted to make sure I got the rest off, so I sprayed down the ring with some windex (hissss, hisssss) and reached in to pull out the rest of the plastic and BAM, burned the underside of my arm on the other side of the ring.  Damn.

I ran it under cold water for a while, but the burn thankfully didn't hurt all that much.

Until yesterday, when I forgot about the burn and leaned on that part of my arm and tore the "blister" skin off.

Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow. 

Now it hurts y'all.

So... just in case you were wondering... that heat ring thing gets very very hot.  Don't touch it.  And don't let your plastic lids touch it either.

Sigh.

Processing

I have a lot I've been thinking about and maybe even some half-started blog posts in progress (in my mind at least) but it's Sunday night and I've had a cider and I try not to blog tipsy.... just so I have nothing to regret in the morning!

August was a long, difficult month.  I'm surprised, quite honestly, that it's already this far into September.

I've got a bandaid on my left thumb right now (from using scissors in a dumb way that backfired on me) and I keep forgetting that my keyboard is not touch sensitive... because I'll go to use my phone and it won't work (touch sensitive) and then go back to my computer and hesitate but... not touch sensitive!

Still dealing with wildfires (and sometimes smoke) here (in this province and all down this coast) and watching the weather on the other side of this continent and just shaking my head and hoping we all come out of it all ok... even knowing that "we all" won't.  I guess I just mean well.  Wish the best for everyone forced to leave their homes, or who've lost their homes to nature gone astray.

I'm babbling.  We'll blame that on the cider.  Hopefully I'll make time for more talking this week.  Hope all is well on your end.

Damn

Damn... well, I was all set to get back on the posting train last week, but then a friend (of Jason's and through him, mine) died... and that, well, it's been hard.

And then I was going to write this weekend, but then an awful thing happened at Burning Man and even though I wasn't there I'm thrown by it.

So.  I'm ok.  Had a hard week.  After a hard month.  It's hot now.  Hope you had a good long weekend.

Thirdly

I think banana peel person may have moved!

This was from a couple of weeks ago (notice the forest fire smoke orange tinge?) in a different part of town but still not terribly far from first banana peel tree!!!

(If the photo is not clear that's two black banana peels thrown at the base of a (different) tree!)

And Second of All

Weather's been a little .... moody?  all over the place?  un...decided?  this last couple of weeks.

It seemed to be a nice mild mellow not too warm for a while, and then it sort of got almost chilly for a morning or maybe half a day, and then Sunday it got HOT again, seemingly out of nowhere.

Oh, and the eclipse was fun!

It was partial here, but still cool to see.  When it was at its ... most.... covered?  (there's gotta be terms... for the partial totality...) it was like someone had tinted all the windows.  The light was eerie.  Because it was tinted but not quite dusk like and it was all the wrong colour.

I went outside and it was chilly (which it might have been anyway but I think it was more so) and the trees worked like pinhole cameras and their shadows made eclipse shapes and it was also 'not quite right' to the eye... light wise.

It was, I suppose, on the opposite end of the light spectrum from earlier in the month when everything had an orange haze/tint from the wildfires (which..... can we throw some rain that way please?  without lightning?)

But yeah, it was great to see and be able to observe it, and I've talked to people who were in the path of totality and they say it was an amazing experience and that it got VERY cold and dusk-like darkness (or some said they could see stars come out.) 

So, First Of All

So many spiders y'all!

Like, it's maybe some of the spiders that escaped me the other week or so but I keep.  seeing.  MORE!

Other than the teeny tiny one from yesterday, they've all been fairly.... well sized.

And not capturable with my usual paper trick... these ones have needed a glass/paper combo.

It's very much not my favourite thing and I don't know why there are so many.  SO MANY!!!

Sigh.

Please stay outside of my apartment spiders.... and if you can't then please stay far away from me and don't come near me and please don't ever ever ever touch me ok?  OK.  Thanks.

Ok...

Well, I'm not going to Burning Man this year.

That's all I have to say about it right this minute, other than to say I'm unhappy but it's probably for the best right now.

Wasn't in the space or mood to say anything about anything (especially this) last week and so we'll see how this week goes.

Happy Eclipse day if you live anywhere near the path it's taking.  If not, happy Monday.

A Tired Sigh

I need weekends to be longer. 

Two days is just not enough.

I Love Animals

I really do.

But I'm pretty much done with the seagulls in my neighbourhood.

If I knew how to murder seagulls, I would.

I can not handle them and their NOISY SCREAMING WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP AFTER NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF THE HEAT!

Like, seriously... I love animals, but I want these seagulls to either move to another province, or die.

I am clearly not handling my lack of sleep well.

Between them and the worker men and the vroom vroom neighbours, it's the seagulls I most want/need gone. 

Go the eff away.  Seriously.

Love,
Victoria

Skimming

I noticed something a number of nights ago, and I'm not sure it's gotten much... or at least not dramatically better since.

My mind/brain is so all over the place I'm not really focussing on much at all right now.

I notice it when I'm in bed, reading at night.  I'll be reading the page... .... you know... Bob and Sarah walked hand in hand down the road, Bob's fingers pressing tightly around etc etc

But meanwhile my mind is going .. ok, so if I can get that back there and maybe I can call them tomorrow but ugh I'd really rather not, so is there some way I could do that without having to call?

And then I realize I've "read" a whole page about Bob and Sarah and I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

It's sort of this weird feeling like my brain is just pretending to pay attention to the page but really it's focussed on whatever the worry or stress is.  Which means I'm not enjoying the book and I'm not getting that relief of distraction from the book either.

I'm not sure how long this has been going on... clearly not forever, as I've voraciously read books all my life... and I'm not quite sure how to get back to *just* reading, because I don't want to be lying in bed stressing over trying to force myself to concentrate.  Reading's always been a relaxing thing for me (except during stressful books!)

I am re-reading a book I've read already so I suppose there's a possibility that that's part of the zoning out?  I stopped keeping track of my books on the sidebar here, so I can't even look back to see when was the last book I was stoked about reading... but I'm sure there has to have been one not all that too terribly long ago, right?

Sigh.

Sorry brain, I really don't want to just skim read... I want to actually get into the story and forget about my own worries for a while. 

Oh!

I was chatting with a friend of mine online last week and I mentioned that I was dealing with having lost my VISA.

"Oh no!" she said.  "How are you dealing with logistics?"

I thought it was nice of her to be so concerned so I explained that I had cancelled the card and just was dealing with not being able to buy things online until the new card came.

"Why... why would you need your VISA for buying things online?"  She asked.

I paused.  "Because I don't have another type of credit card?"

"OH!" She said.  "Credit card!  I thought you'd lost your travel Visa for visiting the states and wondered why you were so calm about it!"

We had a good laugh about that and I said, man, I wondered why you asked why I needed a VISA for shopping online!  It all makes so much more sense now. 

Heh

Don't Want To Talk About It

I lost some spiders.

Three of them actually.

As in... there have been a lot of spiders in my place this last week or two... and the last few I went to help outside... dropped onto the floor and scurried somewhere dark where I couldn't find them!

One went into a closet (I think) another under a dresser and I forget where the third went... like under/into the radiator or something.

One of these incidents also happened in my bedroom so we're totally not at all talking about that ok?

Thanks.

I have, however, also had a small influx of ladybugs.

I like ladybugs a lot, and the cool thing I noticed with the ones I helped out, was that they were pretty calm about getting on to the paper, and then when I held the paper outside... they would kind of sit for a moment... like they were feeling the air/breeze and then they'd spread their wings and take off!

So I really felt like I was releasing them into their happy outside world.

And let's just leave it at that ok!  YAY!  HAPPY!

Yep

Summer's definitely here.

Like, yep.  For reals.

I can't remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday last week that there just was no sleeping happening... it was just too hot.  It actually felt a lot like Burning Man a few days last week... what with the skies being weird with forest fire smoke and the heat.  I even joked that the heat is only fun at Burning Man when there's so much to distract yourself with, but... to be fair, the heat's not really fun there either... but hey, at least you can sleep "outside" at Burning Man at night!

I wish I'd been able to do that, but... not sure I'd fall asleep outside here....

The heat broke a bit a couple of days ago, so that has helped a bit, and I know my apartment's not as hot as the ones above me must be so... I'm trying to just deal with it.  And to follow along with my Burning Man joke... hey, at least I have running water and flush toilets! 

Boo

Well, here's a weird one for you.

I've got my first "wrinkled" skin.

Like, it makes me feel like an old person when I see it.

Know where it is?

It's the inside of my elbow.

How weird is that?

I noticed it the other night when I was putting my book away in bed one night.  (I read on my side, so maybe the skin is extra... folded?)

So yeah, sad panda... my elbow-insides are showing signs of age.

Sigh.

It better not be all downhill from here!

(Oh!  I wonder if my weird burns had something to do with it?!)

Making A Sad Face

I lost my VISA.

Sigh.

I'm not actually sure what happened... I have a small "wallet" type thing that fits a couple of cards and maybe a key or cash that I take when I don't want to take my entire purse or wallet or... handbag (?)

When I go for a walk, or something, I slip my VISA in there, along with five bucks and some photography business cards.  I've done it so many times with no issues.  I've had this little wallet thing for years.

Well, whatever day it was last week (Thursday?) I went to the gym.  I wanted to buy some tea on the way home (I walk there) so I took my little wallet with my VISA in it.  I also took a folded up fabric bag and put that in the same, zipped up pocket.

After my workout, I took my phone out of my pocket, and made my next appointments with the trainer and went on my way.  I may have also pulled out my headphones or something.

I was about a block from the store, when I went to feel for the wallet and it wasn't there.  I stopped.  Carefully searched both pockets and the pockets of my workout pants just in case.  Nope.  Not there.

Adrenaline rush panic.

Ok.  Ok.  Stay calm.

I texted the trainer to ask if she was still at the gym, she'd already left, but said she'd call them to ask.

I tried to convince myself that maybe I'd been careless and left it at home, so I hustled the rest of the way home and?  No.  Not there.  (Which I think I'd already known but wanted that moment of hope.)

I threw on some warmer gear (this was all happening in the evening, post dinner) and retraced my steps there, but quickly... hoping it had fallen out at the gym.

I got to the gym.  I searched the area.  Nope.  I waited for the receptionist.  I asked if it'd been turned in.  Nope.  We looked together again.  Nope.  Ugh.

I had that sinking feeling then... how bad was it going to be?

I figured not much damage would have been done.  I'd last had it in my hands about two hours ago and the tap technology only allows you to buy so much at once and so much in one day before you have to go back to the pin.  But still... it felt icky.

Someone had my stuff.  With my name on it. 

I walked home, trying to call VISA on my cell and having no luck and trying to stay calm, with a little luck.  I just wanted to call someone and have them come and take care of this with me and give me a big hug or ten.  And I wanted to cry. 

I hate having to be a grown up.

I got home and found the number and called VISA.

They were... of course "experiencing higher than normal call volume" so it was a bit of a wait.  All the while I'm imagining what someone was doing with my stuff. 

I got through and told them I'd lost my card.  They asked me if I knew what the number was.  Uh.. no.  Then they asked me what my S.I.N. was, which I took a minute to remember because... effing stress.

They asked me whatever identifying questions and then they cancelled my card.

They were about to hang up when I said "um, did anyone use it?"

I was pretty astounded that they didn't ask this.  Like... aren't you the fraud prevention people?  Shouldn't you be trying to make sure no one... you know... fradulently used my card???

But, no one had used it, thankfully, and then as he was hanging up, he reminded me that my new card will be a new number so I'll have to change any pre-authorized payments.

Ugh.

Talk about kicking me when I'm down.

So I got off the phone, had a good cry, and tried to make a list of all the places I'll have to contact (and hopefully not be on hold with...) when the new card arrives... in two to five business days.  Sigh.

Which means no online stuff can be done right now.  Which is fine.  Except for a couple of really important online transactions I need to do and now have to wait on.  Sigh.

So... when it comes down to it, I'm really not sure what happened. 

Might someone have gone through my pocket while I was working out?  Maybe.

Might it have slipped out in the gym when I grabbed my phone and I didn't notice and then someoen took it?  Maybe.

Might it have slipped out when I was walking (did I not re-zip up the zipper???) and it fell to the ground and someone took it?  Maybe.

The most likely thing is it fell out when I was getting out my phone and stuff in (or around) the gym.  And then I guess someone there was less than honest?

I'm not a criminally inclined person, but if I was going to steal a VISA card (ie not turn it in) I think I'd try to use it right away, no?

So... I'm not sure.

Maybe someone took the five bucks and chucked the rest.  Sigh.  I don't know.  It just feels icky and not knowing what happened or who might have my stuff is a gross feeling.  Plus, I really liked that little wallet and I've had it for years.

I contacted the police the next day and they told me to file a report in case it gets turned in (so they'd call me to come get it)  I would love to get the wallet back... but.... I'm happy that there weren't any charges made so that's the good thing.

It has been (and may continue to be) inconvenient to have to cancel my card and be without it, but I'm glad I'm not dealing with fraud charges and all that.

But still... either I was clumsy or someone was mean.  Either way, I'm not terribly thrilled.

Worker Men

"Worker Men" is what my friend's son used to call.... well, anybody he saw doing any kind of work at all... construction, roadwork, painters, you name it... they were all "worker men." 

Well, I have had more than my fill of worker men these last few weeks.

The building next to me has had worker men working on it for the last.  three.  weeks.

I know this, because they start setting up while I'm still trying to sleep. 

So now, as well as my WHYAREYOUSOLOUD noisy neighbours with the truck alarm, I have that rattling, scraping sound that tall ladders make...  and me no likey.

Ladders, it turns out, are not an easy sound to sleep through... because there's some part of the back of your brain that goes "THEY'RE GOING TO LOOK IN YOUR WINDOWS WAKE UP" even if you tell that part of your brain that they're just painting or fixing decks next door (or whatever they're doing.)

Thankfully, they've not been working on the weekends but y'all?  I'm not a morning person anyway, but being dragged out of my sleep into... worker men has not improved my morning status.

I do hope they finish their painting very very soon. 


Shoo, worker men, shoo!!  (Or shhhhh, if "shoo" is not possible.)

(And yes, I'm aware that my bedroom seems to face out onto a weird echo chamber.  Le sigh.)

Dear Laptop

Why are you so hot all the time?  And I don't mean the "wink wink, how YOU doing?" kind of hot although you are that too .... in the computer kind of way, I mean, why are you so hot all the time?

Is it merely the surrounding air temperature... I think not... is it.. some kind of warning you're trying to give me about your impending... (insert something bad here)?

I really can't afford to replace you my dear... so if you would like to let me know what I can do to help you cool off (especially when charging or using any of your ports at all) I would be happy to work with you.

And for now, I'll continue to use that re-usable ice pack under you when things get... extra burny.

Sigh.

Signed,
Me

PS  Please be ok!

GAH!

I weirded myself out while typing last night, sorry.....

I just... I'm not THINKING about what my fingers are doing, I'm thinking words and my fingers are making them and I'm not doing it but I am.  GAH!!!!

It suddenly felt like I was "speaking" a whole other language... which maybe I guess I kind of am sort of... but not really?

Weird.

Just... weird.

Feeling Hot Hot Hot!

I'm curious... for wherever you are in the world... what do you do to keep yourself cool?  At home?  Out and about?  Work?  Etc.

For me, my home heating system is fairly heavily reliant on these blinds.

They come down mid afternoon (or stay down all day if it's not the weekend) and go up again in the evening when then sun has passed.

I have windows that open (with bug screens that .. kind of work?) but only one one side of my place so I often don't get much help from them, so I have a fan inside.  No A/C.  (None at work either, gasp!)

My hair goes up, I wear lighter items (or less) and drink more water.

I've also tried some electrolyte tablets that I like to think help.  And sometimes a cold cloth or something.

Amused

A couple of weekends ago I did a Wilderness First Aid course.

I hadn't redone my first aid in quite a while and Jason and I were out and about a couple of months ago when he slipped and hurt himself and I realized if he'd hurt himself seriously, rather than just bruising his knee and spraining an ankle a little, I wouldn't confidently or comfortably remember or know what to do.

So I signed up for a course.

One of the things they suggested we bring was a fire starter kit.  Well... all my camping gear (and so much more) is still in my van which is still not home, so I messaged Jason and said "what should I get here... like... flint?"

Jason said yeah, but that he'd check with his "camping expert" friend. 

Who came back with what I thought was a hilarious answer.

"Uh... tell her to buy a Bic lighter?"

So there you go.  Firestarter kit = uh use a lighter?

Although I did also buy a flint thing for good measure.

I also found a whatchamacallit... folding knife thing?  (There's probably a proper term for it...) And Jason wanted to show me how to sharpen it so we also bought a ... uh.. stone?  And when I went to pick up the knife, I cut myself.  Or it cut me I dunno, I just felt really dumb in that moment.  It wasn't bad, just a knick of my nail and a bit of finger but I felt like I'm not even capable of picking up a damn knife, who am I to own one?

Jason and his friend(s) said that that's what knives do.  I guess there's some kind of (camping?) knife lore that your knife picks you by cutting you and the sooner it does the more your knife it is.  So there you go.

I like to think it's true, but if not, it made me feel a lot better.

STOP!!!!

Does anyone who lives with them near know why seagull "caws" are so frigging annoying?

I was woken up by one and who knows what time the other night/morning.... my brain/dream tried to tell me it was a buzzer-alarm that I had to turn off but the stupid bird just went on and on and on and on just SO loud and shrill and ARGH make them stop!

Maybe it's ... something to do with them being sea-type birds and their voices have to carry over longer distances or something but now I'm just making stuff up.  I really really find seagull .. noise hard to deal with.  Especially when they wake me from sleep. 

*Grumpity grump grump*

Achoo!

I'm not an allergy sufferer (thank goodness!) but I think I've been dealing with symptoms of allergies this last couple of weeks.

There are high pollen counts right now (I've been told by my allergy-prone friends) and that, combined with the air quality from the many nearby wildfires (not good) I guess it's really bad for allergy sufferers right now and some of us (I'm not the only one who's mentioned this) are actually getting allergy symptoms as well.

The "there's sand in my eye?" is a new one to me... and not a fun one.  Not that any of the symptoms are.  But yeah, I feel for allergy people... and I hope the air quality improves for everyone!

365

Those of you who've been around a while may remember me talking about doing "Project 365" where you challenge yourself to take a photo every day for a year.

I've done it three or four times, and I do think forcing myself to take more shots improved my shots.  But then I look through my old(est) flickr account and I see a shot like this one here and I remember the downside to the 365 projects... and that is that sometimes you take a photo that's really not any good just because you "have" to get something for the day.

Like... I guess the texture appealed to me here or something, but really, I dunno!  The Winter months I always found the hardest... when you were getting up in the dark and getting home from work in the dark... maybe trying to go for a walk at lunch, if the weather cooperated, to try to find something.  Perhaps it would be easier for those with a home studio or lights or something but for me I think by the second or so time I did it I really came to dislike the "get er done" days and shots.

So yeah... here's an old shot of.... uh... gravel?  Someone's driveway or a parking lot or something.  Sorry!

Small Talk

In the continuing saga of "bodies are weird"... which, realistically will probably go on forever...  I was awoken last night by a sore tummy.

It's of note (because it's on my mind for one!) because it didn't come with nausea, nor did it come with any other symptoms (no need to use the toilet, etc.)  My tummy just... hurt.

Ow.

It may have been a little puffy, but I also really didn't want to wake up so it could just have been the normal girth, I dunno. 

My tummy was sore and the sore woke me up but I managed to get back to sleep and when I woke up... nothing was out of the ordinary.

Maybe I just had too many vegetables for dinner or something?

I dunno... bodies are weird and I'm just making small talk here.  Hi.

Ooooooohhhhhh!

So my fan has been randomly shutting itself off and I've been wary that it may have... I dunno, died or something?  Internal mechanics wise?

It's a fairly new fan so I was pretty bummed by this, but usually when it shuts off I just wait a few (to let it cool down?) and turn it back on.

My fan "switches" are not quite a touch screen but touch... switches.  And when I went to turn it on yesterday afternoon I heard a few extra beeps, and looked down and noticed I had accidentally turned on the "timer" option.

As in... turn off after a bit of time.

Oh.  OH!

*That's* probably why my fan has been randomly turning itself off; because I told it to!

TA DA!


PS  It also has a couple of other symbols on it that I'm scared to touch in case they're ejector buttons or something....one of them looks like a smiling sleeping person and the other like... fog so... maybe I'll press them and go night night in a fog of... sleep?

So Weird

Man.... "human-ing" is weird, eh?

Like, I just found myself sitting here thinking how weird it is to be me.  So.. maybe it's just me, I dunno, but it seems if you get down to talking about it for real with other people... it's weird out there... in there.

If it's not the mental/emotional stuff it's the body stuff.  It's just... weird.

I Don't Want To Say "Stupid", But....

I "un-smarted" myself sick. 

I sat out in a friend's back yard for a couple of hours the other day just chatting away.  Thought to myself "oh, I'll just get a little sun."

After a while I said "you know?  I'm not feeling all that great, I think I should move out of the sun."

So I did.

And later I went home... looked in the mirror and was a little pink.  Oops.  Oh well. 

Until a few hours later when I went to have a shower and I wasn't a little pink anymore, I was red-pink.

Oh no.

Yeah, too much sun.

It was a rough night.... "I'm too cold, blanket!"  "NO, I'M TOO HOT, NO BLANKET!"  "I have to get up and pee because I was hydrating so much, ugh." rinse, repeat.

I felt hungover yesterday and my head was... not... happy either, but I survived and hope to remind myself that the sun isn't what it used to be.  Either that or my skin isn't.

Or both.

And getting too much sun isn't just about the burn anymore... it's now a sucky whole body experience.  Ugh.

So... yeah, that was not smart!  (The pink is pretty much gone now, but the water intake is still happening!)

N.B. I Mean Me (Sigh)

Ugh.  My roommate is driving me bonkers.

I go and buy junk food and she eats it all and says "NO MORE BUYING THIS STUFF" and then when *I* want some there's NONE LEFT and so I don't get any!

And then I have to go buy more because it's all gone and, well, before you know it.... the cycle repeats itself.

UGH!

Who is letting her eat all my crap?

Airy

It was the Pride parade this Sunday.

I didn't go.  For the first time in many many years, actually.  I could have, easily, by myself or with the friend I usually go with, but I didn't have it in me after the news of Saturday.  I just wanted to sit and be in my hurt.... and that's ok.  Life goes on, love is wonderful.... although it can hurt very much at times.

The thing I noticed though, and started to think about was the weather.  Maybe my memory isn't long enough, but I can't remember the last pride parade we had that had searingly hot/sunny "typical" July weather!

Last year (or was it two ago?) there was orange smoke in the air from nearby forest fires.  Sad to say that while our air quality isn't currently affected, we're dealing with massive forest fires again.  (Par for the summer course it seems.)  And this year it was overcast.  Which is fine for a parade, makes things a little less sweltering, but it just got me thinking... my memories are showing me the last few years as not super hot and sunny.

Go figure.

(It got sunny later in the day but not til long after the parade!)

Go Easy

I am incredibly heavy hearted today.  There was a death on Saturday and it has hit me unexpectedly hard.

It was a fellow I met last year at Burning Man.  We had chatted on and off for a year or so and he was very supportive of my art.  Most often, liking the ones I wasn't fond of. 

There was one in particular that he really really liked, so I took it to him at the burn last year.  Didn't manage to find him the first time I went to his camp so I left the art on his motorized barca-lounger. 

I went back later to make sure he'd found it and got to meet him and his lady.


They were good, solid, salt of the earth people and warm and friendly and I looked forward to seeing them again the next time I made it back to Burning Man.

We talked from time to time online.  He shared some of his struggles with me, and always let me know how my art impacted him.

I found out Saturday morning that he'd gone into hospital a couple of weeks ago... been released and gone back in.  I left him a message of hopeful recovery and found out a few hours later that he had died that morning.

I have no words.  I'm broken by this.

Perhaps thinking of him spending his last two weeks in fear (he was scared, they didn't seem to know what was wrong with him, and he was very very unwell... seemingly suddenly.)  Or seeing the outpouring of shock and love from those who knew him. 

The shock of him being gone when he was one of those people you just sort of expect to always be there.  And then thinking of the time I didn't spend with him because there was "always next year" to catch up.

He was always kind towards me..... in his admiration of my art and his willingness to help me with Burning Man stuff.  He had no reason to be kind to me.  He just was.  The world needs more people like him.

This world is a strange one.  Social media allows us to make connections we otherwise would likely have not.  You become part of someone's life without being directly IN it. 

I don't have much else to say, my eyes are swollen from crying and my soul hurts.

Tell people.  Tell people the positive they are in your life.  Don't wait until they're gone and you're typing it out... they're not here to see that.  Tell that girl at the grocery store you always appreciate her warm smile.  Tell your dental hygienist he always makes your teeth feel great.  Wave to the flagger that snuck you through the line and stopped the traffic after you.  Give a gift card to the guys at the mechanics office who always take good care of your car.  TELL PEOPLE.

Because one day you wake up and they're gone.

Be well my friend.  I'm sorry our time knowing each other was so short.  Burn bright, and I'll see you on the flip side.

Well, That's No Fun

I woke up the other morning and was already starting to worry.  (It really really sucks when that happens.)  And by "worry" I mean, anxiety was kicking in...

I lay there half awake trying to calm myself (because I'd rather not wake up in panic) and I realized that the thought that was troubling me was "you (I) should go to Burning Man this year because I might not be able to next year!"

Which.... made me think (among other things... like f*ck that's a frustrating thought!) that I (or... whatever part of my psyche we're talking about here.. Ego?) have used fear to motivate myself.  And that sucks.

So I should go to Burning Man this year in case something more than twelve months from now?  Really?  What if next year I can totally go to Burning Man?  What if something very different has happened in my life and I don't want to next year?  What if Nevada has sunk into the ocean?  (Geographically unlikely but you know what I mean)  Or if I have become mega rich and can BUY Burning Man.  Or just... really, what if next year I'm able to go no problem and I stressed myself into going this year.

I'm not really explaining it right and reaching this understanding doesn't really stop the thought-process-threat from happening.  It was just kind of interesting (and sad) to realize how much of my life maybe has been guided by fear.

I know a lot of the theories around fear and I know the meditation type responses and how fear is things that don't exist yet and all that.  Knowing something is different than realizing that I seem to have been motivating myself in this way for a long time.

"I should keep dating this kind of not great guy because I may never meet another guy and then I'll be single forever."

"I should go to Burning Man this year in case next year I can't, or it won't be as easy in this one specific way I can think of."

Anxiety is a powerful force.

I don't like it at all.

I'm not sure I had any idea it was such a driving motivator for me though....

And Nary A Drop To Drink

So.  Water.  It's... you know, good for you and stuff.

I've known I don't drink enough of it.  Sort of ever.  But I've been trying really hard the last year or so to up my water intake.

I have a 32 oz (1000ML - 1 Litre) Nalgene water bottle that I use as my tracking.  I try to take it wherever I can ( and will have access to a bathroom!) so that I know how my water intake is going.

Some days I don't do all that well and come dinner time I'm chugging half of the thing.  But I've been getting one liter of water a day now for quite a while and I'm super happy and proud of that!

Recently (last few months?) with the heat increasing, I've been trying to get even more water down and some days I even manage two, which makes me feel really proud of myself!  I know that getting two of these a day is probably the amount I'm *supposed* to be drinking, but I'm happy to be getting what I am.  And it makes me realize how little and how poorly I've hydrated myself most of my life.

Can I notice any changes worth speaking of?  Well, there's one for sure but it's indelicate so I'll just not mention it (ahem) but to be honest, I'm making so many health changes that I can't exactly say what's due to what.  I just know I'm pleased that I'm drinking a good amount of water and somewhat dismayed at how little I seem to have been drinking for most of my life.

Now, this by no means means I'm perfect.  Some days I get to one or two pm and realized I've not had much or any.  (I find it harder to drink water in the mornings)  But still!

(Although, to be fair, I did used to drink hot water in the winter and just wasn't tracking it so maybe I wasn't being as bad as I think/thought.)

Shhhhhhhh.... sigh.

I have some (fairly... maybe six or so months?) new neighbours and... they're just... loud.

I mean, it's not as bad as some, probably because they're underneath me but everything they do is...loud!

They talk loud.

(They fight loud.)

They yell at each other from outside to inside loud.

They have friends over loud.

They are just loud people.  I don't think they know it.  And, no, it's not bad enough for me to complain in any way.  (Except here!  YOU'RE WELCOME!)

And the kicker is... they have a truck.

And?  You guessed it.  It's LOUD! (Why is that? VROOM VROOM!!!!  WHY SO LOUD!!!???)

So, now their leaving in the morning is my new alarm clock.  Because loud.  Sigh. 

My newest neighbours are loud. 

I Know, I Know, Picky And Whiny

I love fans for their ability to move air around but I find myself delaying turning them on because they make noise!!!!

Sigh.

I appreciate having first world problems, I really do, because it means my life's not all that bad.

Sigh

I just.... can't seem to get comfortable with the idea of going to Burning Man this year.  It sucks.

I tell myself that it's still two months away and things may be different by then.  Like... maybe I'll be less stressed or upset so it won't feel so overwhelming.  But right now, it's just too overwhelming to think about the drive again.

It REALLY doesn't help that my social media feed is full of burners and all things Burning Man so I'm hearing non stop about peoples plans and their questions and it's... a lot. 

It's a lot because my trip last year (the travelling portion I mean, more than anything else) had no fun at all.  It was all stress.  Not very manageable stress either.  And most of those worries will be there again if I go to do the drive myself.  Or even if I go with someone else.  Going with Connor was always safe and even if imperfect, I knew he'd done the drive before and knew... all the things.  And sure, I can tell myself that now *I* know all the things too, but I don't want to have to. 

I don't want to have to worry about gas and running out and not having enough and if I should take a jerry can or not and can I or can't I make it or fill it or .... I just don't want to.

And I don't want to have to worry about traffic.  On the highways and roads, on the entry and exit onto playa.  I don't want to stress about going too slow, or being nervous about whatever vehicle I'm driving, or.... anything.  None of it.  Not how long it's going to take me or why I'm not where I thought I'd be at that time of day or how aggressive and dangerous other drivers can be.  I don't want to go over the twisting passes or through the scary PNW roads, or the high, scary, Oregon ones, or the "use engine brakes" steep hills.  I just don't.  I don't want to drive that drive.

Jason's still trying to get things working so that he can come with me and rescue the van (and all my stuff) but when I even think about that, with him driving on the way down, I just freak out.  It's bad in my mind right now.  All of it. 

There's also a part of me thinking the whole "when a horse bucks you you get right back on that horse" kind of thing like... I don't want to turn this into a phobia where I can never do the drive again myself... I just am not sure I can do it right now when my stress and anxiety levels are already unmanageable a lot of the time.

I don't want to deal with the heat.  The physical discomfort. 

I don't want to give myself extra stress and anxiety.

But...  I want to be there.

I want to try being with a camp (I've paid dues and been accepted into one.)  But I also don't.  I want to connect with some people.  See some art.  Be there, in the beauty of the desert for a week.

But.... I don't want to travel there and back.

I really don't think I can handle it this year.  And that's somewhat disappointing. 

Except for the moments when it's not.

I also can't seem to quite let go.  Can't seem to say "not going."  Have mentioned to a few people that I'm not sure I can make it.  They all assure me I'll be there and it'll be great!  But I'm really not so sure about that. 

It's also not free.

I've already put the bulk of the biggest costs on VISA (let's not talk about it ok?) but there's still the travel costs.... gas, insurance, phone plan, food, shelter/sleeping on the way there and back, incidentals, ferry costs, and so on and so on.  It's... not cheap.  And that's assuming I get my gear back in good shape... 

I try to tell myself what's going to happen is going to happen but... I don't know what that is and I don't, yet, know how me being there and getting there this year would possibly happen.

I don't think I have it in me.

(Happy fourth of July to my 'Merican friends, by the way.)