Dreamy

It's maybe because I wake up, set my alarm forward an hour and go back to sleep, but my morning dreams are usually pretty vivid, and I tend to remember them. (Possibly because I'm waking up during them.)

Of course, now that I'm sitting down to write about them I can't remember a particular story or scenario, but still, they're generally realistic enough that I wake up wondering what the dream was trying to tell me.

I do remember one where I was sitting in a really old school gym (with the wood panel walls?) and my co-workers were there too, but they were all pregnant, except for me of course. (OK, maybe it was just the female co-workers, duh) And I woke up and realized that, yes, of the gals I work with who are of child-bearing age, all of them are either pregnant or just had a baby or starting to try for a baby, except for me, and so my brain just made them all pregnant and stuck me in the middle of them.

It's frustrating sometimes to wake up from these dreams because often they come when I'm a bit stressed out with things in real life and so the dream's vaguely happy and then I wake up and remember about the not-so happy reality and it's kind of deflating.

But, oh well, what can you do?

The brain will do what the brain needs/wants to do I guess.

(Oh, wait, I just remembered. The one from last morning included something about being at a restaurant and the waitress came out and said such and such a dish had made her ill and then a few other servers were getting sick too and I think that maybe after they got the food poisoning it temporarily turned them into something really bad and so we had to isolate them and then it was like not quite zombie but sort of apocalyptic and then there was a rainbow in a pink sky and maybe lightning?)

Summer's End

It really does feel like summer's starting to wind down.

Like, we had a couple of scorchingly hot days last week that I was completely unprepared for and sweated my way through, even more so than the hot spells we had earlier in the summer. I think because they came in September I had kind of stopped checking out the weather and so didn't prepare myself with the typical windows fully open, blinds fully down sort of protocol and it was a couple of sweaty days and almost too hot to sleep nights.

But I feel like that was probably the tail end of it and while this weekend was still lovely and sunny and warm, I can feel it just slowly edging towards fall.

There are already a ton of leaves fallen, but that, I think, is mainly from the dryness, but a few of the trees are starting to turn slightly orange at the tips too.

I wear a light jacket on the way to work now, but take it off once I get there, but I imagine it'll stay on longer each morning for the next while.

And I didn't throw off the blankets quite as often over the weekend as I did last week, so we'll see.

I'd love the sun to stay, I think we all would, but we'd all have to move to a different part of the world to have that experience, and I think most of us love it here enough to know the gloomier days to come are worth getting through.

I believe Summer goes until the 21st of September, so I'll squeeze whatever I can out of the longer days and the sunshine we get.

I like Summer, but know Fall has its moments too.

Ahhhh, Weekend

So, what are you going to do with your Saturday?

Nothing? Something? Not sure yet? Totally planned out?

Are you going to hang out with yourself or go meet up with people? Are you going to have a meal out anywhere or just eat at home?

What's the scoop for your Saturday anyway?

What's In A Name

It struck me the other day that I don't often get called by my name.

My family and friends generally call me by a nickname, or a generic moniker like dude, or even just sort of skip over it... "Hey!" or what may be.

And usually in a romantic relationship, one gets referred to as "Babe" or "Sweetie" or something similar.

I realized the other day as I was on a legal type phone call and the lawyer kept saying, "Well, Victoria, " that I don't often hear my name and I wonder if I miss it.

Not that I generally am any different. I'll refer to people by their name when I'm talking about them certainly, but I think when I'm talking TO people, I tend to use a nickname.

I like my name, but I don't get to hear it as much as I like, and when I do hear it it tends to sound formal, which is a bummer.

Know what I mean, or is this just a me thing?

(Oh, and also, I'm sorry to do this, but whenever I think about this, I start singing this. Sorry!)

Anon

Sometimes I want to give up my anonymity on this blog. Sometimes I think about just saying, hey... my name is Sadie and I'm a dental hygenist and I live at 2345 Everywhere Street and just be done with it.

But then I think about it for half a second and realize that, no, I don't. I don't want everyone I know reading my innermost thoughts. And, yes, I have a few friends who read here (at least, they have at some point, I generally don't ask them if they still are, that way I can pretend they don't) but that's by my choice, I pointed them in this direction.

There are a lot of things that are easier for me to write about when I'm writing to an audience of people I don't know personally, or don't interact with on a daily basis.

My brother found my blog not too long ago, and it's meant that I find myself re-considering certain things I'd like to write about. And the experience of knowing a family member might be reading has reminded me why I don't want to have a non-anonymous blog . . . it censors me.

I'm struggling a little bit right now with things I want to talk about, but things I don't, necessarily want, say, my brother, or random co-workers or the guy who signs me in at the gym to hear/read/see. And no, it's not necessarily anything major, but, you know, like... maybe girl stuff or something?

So let me say this... and if we could all just play along, I'd appreciate it, k?

For those of you who think you know who I am, like, for reals? I'm afraid you're mistaken. Even that guy who thinks he's my brother... sorry, your sister asked me to pretend I'm her for a while, but I'm not really. I mean, your sister's name's not Sadie, right? So there. Proof.

My name is, in fact Victoria, and I'm a spy, and that's what we're sticking with and I don't know who you think I am but I'm not. For sure. Really.

Ok?

Cool.

Because I have a few things I'd like to talk about, but my mind is stuck, and I need my cloak of anonymity wrapped back around my shoulders so I can un-stick it.

Losing my anonymity restricts my writing, and it's an uncomfortable feeling.

Boooooo

I do not have a good relationship with waking up.

I like being awake, and I like being asleep, but I do not like waking up.

(I should say, that the exception to this rule is when I'm allowed to wake up at whatever-I-want o'clock. Those wake ups and I get along just fine.)

I've come up with a number of ways to try to make the waking up process less painful for me but still, going from horizontal and comfortable to upright and awake is never something I enjoy doing or do willingly.

And even when I tell myself "hey, if I just get up now I'll feel awake and be awake", it doesn't matter. Even though when I do wake up (certainly recently, in these lovely bright summer days) as soon as I'm out of bed I feel alert, I still just want to stay asleep, or have another snooze rest/sleep.

I wish I was one of those people who was easily awake, or who liked waking up or something, but I'm not. I hate waking up and wish it would just leave me alone.

Boo, I say, booo!

At Odds

I've got that in between feeling again. The one where I feel like I don't belong here, but I'm not entirely sure where I would belong.

I remember feeling like this last summer when Dad was going in for his open heart surgery and we really didn't know if he'd make it through. And although the surgery took place on the mainland, where I grew up, it didn't feel like I was back home.

But, then, coming back here once the surgery was done didn't feel like coming home either. Nothing did, and I put it down to the fact that everything was uncertain and my foundations were shaken.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this again now, an emotional flashback to last summer since Dad had to go through something similar, if less life-threatening.

I didn't grow up here, so the friends I have here have only known me as long as I've been here. And when I left home...the place I grew up, I left some good friends, but not a solid group as I'd gone away for a year before high school started and never quite solidly connected with my Grad class group.

So that's perhaps part of it. I don't have deep connections with anyone here, I don't wander around town and see people I went to high school with, or grew up playing hopscotch with or anything like that. My roots aren't here.

Maybe it's also that I don't have a family home here, and my parents have moved a few times since they came over, and are maybe thinking of moving again so there's no real solid home base anymore. And I'm moving too, eventually, so where is home supposed to be?

I imagine that once things settle down again, I'll not feel so displaced. But these moments where I realize I've been here a long while and should be able to feel like I belong here are odd. Discomfiting.

I wonder if it'll ever change, or if home is only ever where you grew up and when it's gone, it's gone.

I don't know.

Happy Labour Day

I think every weekend should be a long weekend. But then I guess we'd all want extra extra long weekends?

Like, suddenly a four day weekend wouldn't be quite enough and, say, hey, why don't we all just get paid for the idea of working? I'd vote for that.

I would solemnly swear to get up five days a week (no, wait, four, this is my fantasty after all and I've already given us all three day weekends as a norm) and think about work.

I could even think about work a couple of times during the day if I had to.

I'd be willing to do that.

Yes, my time of from work has made me somewhat giddy.

Thus, returning to work may be rather more difficult than necessary.

The end.


And because I can't get through a Labour Day without singing this at least once, and it's therefore tradition, here you go. I forgot how much I loved these guys.


Labor Dabor - Homestarrunner

I'm Not Sure This Post Makes Much Sense

Life is... odd.

You know that old saying "what a difference a day makes"?

Well, I keep thinking "what a difference a year makes."

One of my best friends is moving in with her boyfriend this month, and another good friend of mine is signing off on separation papers in a marriage to a woman he's known and loved for seventeen years.

A year ago, I *know* my guy friend would never ever have thought a divorce would happen to him, and I'm not sure my female friend would have guessed she'd be becoming roommates with her boyfriend. (Although, they were already pretty starry-eyed about each other last summer too!)

I guess with relationships you don't necessarily know where you'll be in a year and I would wish and hope that for all of my friends and loved ones things only ever get better.

This is my second friend I've seen through a divorce and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's hard to know what to say or how best to support, but I also know, from watching one friend's relationship blossom, that a year from now things will be different for my friend whose marriage is currently ending.

I don't know how, exactly, but I can hope he's much happier a year from now.

And I hope my gal pal and her guy are happily settled a year from now.

Good surprises only. Happy changes welcome.

Dudes

Tomorrow? It's September.

No, seriously it is. I double checked.

How crazy is that?

Timing

Fun.: We Are Young ft. Janelle Monáe (ACOUSTIC) 

This song changed my life earlier this month.

(And, yes, I only just realized the irony of that statement. As the last day of the month, everything is "earlier this month.")

But, really, it did.

I'm sure I've posted this song here before, but I don't label my posts (something I often think I should do when I'm looking for videos I've posted, but then I don't know how to go and back-label six or seven years' worth of posts so I don't and instead just complain about it in my head and apparently, today, out loud.) and so I can't find if and/or when I did. But, yes, it's been in my list of favourite songs since I first heard it.

And I'm less sure that I've talked about it here, but I've been struggling with my age this year and feeling... old. I know I talk about feeling like I should be un-single by now, but this birthday didn't sit well with me, numbers wise, and I've been having a hard time with it.

I got really low this summer, and was beating myself up about so many things (the posts are stuck in my head right now, but I'll write them out soon, I hope) and how old I looked/felt/was was a big one.

And one day, I was on the treadmill at the gym, and this song came on my iShuffle.

And you know how sometimes it's all about how something you've heard or seen a bunch of times just has to hit you in the right way at the right time? Yeah. That's what happened.

I'd probably been worrying about my Dad, and thinking about how he's really not as "old" as I used to think someone his age was and then the incredibly attractive (in an unusual sort of way) Nathaniel Joseph Ruess was singing in my ear that "we are young."

And it was like a wave of relief washed through me. I am young.

I am not my Dad's age. To him, I am still very young.

To people in their 90s, my Dad is young.

I AM young. And in some way I will always be young.

I will always be younger than a large group of people. (Yes, unless I am fortunate enough to live an incredibly long, healthy life, I know...)

I've been looking backwards and thinking how old I am instead of seeing it in context.

I've been stuck watching tv shows and movies where everyone is young and thinking I'm not anymore, instead of looking at life and reality and seeing that I am young.

As often happens here, I feel like I'm not quite expressing the magnitude of clarity I was struck with. I'm not managing to put into words the calm and peace and happiness I felt.

I wish I could show you; tell you, but at least I can tell you that this song changed my life in that moment, and I'm grateful.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

So a couple of weeks? a month? time periods ago, there was a super cute (hot) guy at the gym. Now, there are often cute/hot/good looking guys at the gym, but this guy was a) super cute and b) within my "I'm not wearing my glasses so people too far away are blurry" range of vision.

So super cute. (Like, I can't think of anyone who would find him non cute, but maybe that's just me. Different strokes and all.)

But anyway, the first time I ran into him, we were both using a piece of equipment that has two areas and I had to check with him to see if he needed both sides/areas or just the one. He said no, that was fine and gave me a nice smile. I giggled inside. As we were both working out, someone next to us did something odd. I can't remember what... handstand pushups or loud grunts or maybe a combination of both, and he looked over at me and gave me a shrug, raised eyebrow smile kind of thing and we both laughed. And I fainted inside. Happily.

It was a nice gym moment, anyhow, and I was able to imagine that he was being more than just "gym friendly."

Well, imagine my surprise when the other day, as I was walking through the gym parking lot, I saw him (and was close enough to recognize his cute cute face!) And you guys? He smiled at me. Like, a hey, I recognize you kind of smile. Not a "there's a random person" polite smile.

And we smiled at each other and I kept walking and then I stopped.

"I should tell him his smile just made my day." I thought.

Because his smile had just made my day. Him smiling at me had made my day.

And I stood there, and turned around. And then turned back around and then turned to go back out the door and as I did, he reached his vehicle (because of course it wasn't a car, it was an older, Jeep or SUV kind of cool truck kind of thing of COURSE IT WAS HE'S THAT CUTE!) and he. Took. Off. His. Shirt.

He.

Took.

Off.

His.

Shirt.

And I only saw his back because it was a hot hot day and he was stripping off before getting into his car and no, I didn't go running out after the now half naked hot guy to tell him he'd made my day, but yeah. That double made my day.

I was beaming for the next hour, and grinned for the rest of the evening.

And of course there's the temptation to over-analyze it and start to wonder if he thought I was cute and if he's maybe single but of course he's not, he's too cute for that, etc. etc. But I don't want to do that.

I just want to enjoy what I haven't even been able to properly describe here and the happy it gave me.

Ahhhh cute gym boy. I think I love you.

Thank you.

A Blue Grey Kind of Day

I woke up with the Melancholies this morning.

Well, I didn't really wake up with them, they just kind of piled on to me bit by bit. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness and all that.

I'm on holiday this week. Vacation. Whatever. Not working, and I love love love not working. (Whoops, am I not supposed to say that out loud?)

This was the week we were supposed to go up Island for a family vacation, and while I suppose we still could (I'd need to drive Mom and Dad, Dad's not allowed to drive yet and Mom wouldn't do the four plus hour drive) or even I could (by myself I suppose, or just Mom and I) I think it's not going to happen. And maybe that's what's bumming me out?

I also don't feel like doing anything, but then that feels like I'm wasting my time off and I'm already not looking forward to having to be back at work and that seems like a massive waste of time and energy and not being-in-the-moment-ness, but still. I don't wanna.

So I'm feeling blue.

I feel like I should get up and do something magnificent! I should... book a flight to Hawaii! Or...go visit some obscure part of Victoria I haven't been to before! Or... at least get up and go to the gym. Or something.

But I can't shake the feeling right now that I'm going to end up feeling this way right up until the day I have to go back to work and I don't want to. And that's the problem with this kind of sadness, or maybe all sadnesses in general. They make it feel like this is how you are going to be feeling for the rest of forever and then nothing feels worth anything anymore.

I dislike days like this very much.

Ugh.

Gradual, But Inevitable

A few weeks ago, I heard a flight of Canadian Geese overhead. Their V-shape was a big scraggly, but they certainly seemed to be heading somewhere, honking their way to their winter destination.

Perhaps this is a solely Canadian event; the honking of migrating Canadian geese heralding the start of Fall and the coming, eventually, of winter.

But nonetheless, I tried to ignore it. Oh, that was just a rogue flock of nervous travellers I told myself. They're just trying to get ahead of the crowd. But unless they've re-done the route three, four, five more times this month, I've heard and seen more flights of geese winging there way south.

I always get a little sad when Fall starts showing up. I love summer, for so many reasons, and while I love Fall once I'm in it, I always wish it would just stay away a little bit longer and leave me with my bright, sunny, long days and my flip flops and bare arms.

Change is the only constant and all that, and seasons are fleeting; they change as we're in them and summer's one I always feel I didn't have quite enough time to enjoy it.

Guess I'll just have to try to really appreciate however much of Summer is left. Even if the geese are trying to tell me there's not much more to go.

Make Up Your Minds

I had a scale weirdness the other week.

The scale at the gym is one of those special, doctor's office ones where you have to move the weight counter balance thing, if you know what I mean? And at home, I have a regular stand on it home scale.

I'm used to my home scale maybe being a pound or two lighter than the gym one, but generally not too far off.

Except last week there was a six pound difference in the span of 24 hours.

Six. Pounds.

Maybe my runners weigh a lot or maybe my clothes were extra heavy or something but other than that, that's a wacked out amount of weight to put on/lose/whatever in less than a day.

Water weight? Bloating? Had I just eaten dinner? I have no idea. I don't even know if water weight/bloating is a real thing or if dinner packs on that quickly.

But let me tell you, whatever it was? It made me very. Very. Grumpy.

Stupid scales.

Especially The Really Tall Ones

I think ladders are suspicious and I don't trust them at all.

Aaaaand Breathe

Well, that was a rough few days there.

Dad's surgery was a couple of days ago and the weekend leading up to it was....fine, but stressful too, somehow none of us were as confident or comfortable with this one, I suppose with all the fears left over from last years surgery.

But things went smoothly (one minor glitch that wasn't really an issue) and he's home and sore but fine.

And I'm exhausted (not as much physically) and ready for a rest, but very much relieved.

One of the things the hospital did was have Dad himself phone us once he was out and comfortable. I can't tell you the relief to hear his voice, sounding great saying "you can come pick me up at 3"

"Is that really you? Are you really ok? Does it hurt?"

All the questions you can't ask a nurse when they call, and to hear his voice was so reassuring and such a relief. I thought it was great.

So now it's another slow recovery for Mom and Dad (but not as slow as last time I think) and some time for me to recuperate from the worry and fear that creeped up on me the closer we got.

I'm glad things went well, and I'm glad we're on the other side of it.

Whew.

I'm OK

I had a friend visiting last weekend. Well, I should say, *we* had a friend visiting last weekend, as she's one of those people who was a friend of my friend and then we all became friends together but that doesn't really matter does it? No.

So this friend lives in Australia and after a few drinks and hours of reminiscing (much needed and such a tonic to my spirit let me tell you) she decided that I would be a perfect match with her friend (insert name here) who, just happens to live in Australia.

And I'm sure it was the drink talking, because that's probably the longest long distance relationship you could come up with and so I just smiled and nodded.

But. (Isn't there always a but?)

But, when I'm dragging along the bottom of wherever it is sadness lives, as I am in this precise moment of writing I would welcome the pain and angst that goes along with that distance.

I can't be with you, I miss you, why won't you move here? I can't move there. Will this ever work, I miss you, this is so hard.

They give you a reason, a focus for the sadness and right now I want something to tag on to this moment of pain.

Which is funny, really.

Because I know why I'm sad, and I should be able to tag that on, but it's almost as if I know that if I did? It would be too much and I still have to get through.

I just thought that was odd.

But, that's ok. I'm ok.

Arrival

Occasionally I find myself telling a story that I know I've typed out here and hoping that person doesn't think I'm repeating myself and then reassuring myself that they wouldn't because there are very few people in my regular day to day life who read this blog.

This is almost the opposite, I feel like I've said things or recounted stories to people in real life so many times that I *must* have written them here and then I don't quite know where to start because all I can think is... aren't I repeating myself?

But, I suppose, even if I were, it wouldn't really matter.

I know the blogs I love to read I read for the voice, and when they say "man, I have nothing to write about, sorry" I just want to tell them I DON'T CARE JUST WRITE!

Not that I'm assuming any of you feel that way, but sometimes I need to remind myself that it's ok to just write, not having to write about anything or to tell any story or anecdote or hey guess what's happening to me right now?! Just.. you know, to put pen to paper.

Digitally speaking.

Wait A Second...

I kept wondering if this weekend was a holiday weekend that I'd somehow missed out hearing about.

The streets were quiet and my apartment parking lot was empty and it seems like everyone was camping and I just kept wondering... did I... miss this?

But, I guess it's just August and summer and great weather and people are doing what you do in summer... going away. Even if it's just for the weekend.

But still. I kept feeling just a little bit off kilter because things were so quiet. And then I went to get groceries and realized *that* was where everyone was!

How was your weekend?

Yay!

Well, gosh, didn't my little temper tantrum make me look silly when I ended up with a whole bunch of questions to answer in the end?

So here goes!

Elliott asked:
1) if not the Canucks, then who?
Calgary Flames!

2) best road trip you've been on? (the family is currently on an epic summer roadtrip to DC...and having a blast)
We used to go camping (with my parents) every summer, sometimes up to Osoyoos, but often down to Coolee Dam (in Washington state) and I loved that! Glad you're having a fun trip too!

3) favourite Canadian band? (mine is the Hip, but also love the Guess Who, Neil Young, and Triumph)
The Hip, The Hip, The Hip for sure The Hip! (But yes, Neil Young and the Guess Who also rock, as do several others from that era)



And J.S. is wondering:
1. When are we going to meet? lol
Welllllll, maybe not ever because I hardly make it to the mainland these days and when I do I barely visit the people I should visit, but hey, you never know! I always imagine one day just randomly coming across each other and being like, Hey! It's you! :)

2. If you could have a superpower, which would it be?
I kind of want to fly, but maybe that's a waste of a superpower. I also think it would be cool to be able to speak every language, but again, that seems a bit of a waste because probably if I tried really really hard I could just... learn them? Does it have to be a superpower or can I have magic? Hmmm... how about I just keep it simple and stick with flight? Or, no, I know, the ability to do that mind warp thing apparently vampires do! (Wait, does that make me evil?)

3. If consequences never existed, what you would do/get away with?
I might sleep with a lot more people if I didn't have to think about physical/emotional/social consequences. And if we got rid of the consequence of people's feelings getting hurt, I might be a lot more frank/honest/straightforward in what I said. But in terms of sort of naughty/illegal stuff? Maybe I'd steal things like a new car or other really expensive things I don't really need but want. And I'd like to not show up for work but not get fired!



And Dominic asked:
1) The first word that came into your head upon reading this question was..?
Petunias

2) Why do you use Safari?
I actually (strangely?) use three different browsers, but for different reasons, at different times. I use Safari because I do. But I also use Firefox and Chrome.

3) If you COULD take a useful instruction book onto a desert island, how long do you think it'd take you to build the boat etc and get back to civilisation?
Oh man... I guess I have to build the boat n stuff. Months I suppose? Cuz I'd have to cut down the trees and make it into the planks or whatever and that'd all take time, so... yeah, months? Three months? If I'm lucky? Oh, and then depending on where I was, another few weeks of sail time maybe? Or maybe I'd sail right into a boating channel and be rescued that very day!

Fine! (Pout) (Glare)

Since none of you wanted to play with me, I'll just have to write my own random questions to myself.

*pout*

What colour is your water bottle?
Why, thanks for asking me, me! It's purple. My last one was purple too, with a Canucks sticker, but I lost it. I have no idea where. So I bought a new one, same colour.

What did you do last night?
Well, I can't remember the last time I had to do this, but I actually went around my apartment last night with no clothes on. Yep, it was that hot. But don't worry, I had the blinds down.

What's your favourite book?
That's not a fair question, which is awkward since I'm asking myself these questions, you'd think I would just... you know, not ask? But, yeah, I'm not sure. Wouldn't even know where to begin. Well, that's not true, I could just go over to my bookshelf and start listing book names since I generally only keep the books I love. Anyway.

What's on your mind right now?
Lots of things, actually, but before I typed out this question, I was wondering about my computer. I guess it's a bit older, and it's struggling and being slow with a few things (multiple applications open at a time, internet stuff, Safari freezes a lot, etc.) and while I don't really need a new one, do I get a new one because this one's not great anymore or do I wait until something goes wrong or what? I don't want to just throw money around because things are a little bit annoying, but.... I dunno.

What's a random fact about yourself?
My elbows hyper-extend. Like, I can twist my arms so that the inside of my elbow faces forwards. It makes people go "ewww" and means that for my arms to be "straight", I actually have to bend them a little.

Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather?
I prefer sunshine and long days (with lots of light.) Other than that, I don't really know, each of them has a good side.

What's the best thing about the weekend?
Not working! Duh.

What's the last song you listened to?
I have no idea. I was listening to my iPod shuffle when I went for a walk (a short walk because, dude, hot) so whatever came on last. All I know is that when I typed this out I got a song stuck in my head, but it's not the last one I listened to. I don't know what that was.

What do you wish?
Lots of things. Health. Lots of health. I think that's what I most wish for right now. Health all round.





Updated to add:

Yay Anne! Canadian Anne in England done gone asked me some questions last night after I finished typing out the above. So here goes! (And they're toughies too!)

1. what would be your 3 desert island books (excluding a bible & complete Shakespeare)
Hmmm, as I said above, I don't know what my favourite books are, so I did, indeed, go over to my bookshelf to mull this over. The problem with desert island books is you don't want one that once you've read it you know the twist/ending (like Ender's Game, which I adore) and you also should probably take something big so it takes a while to get through while you're waiting to be rescued and something dense so that you can read it a few times and get something new out of it. I'm going to avoid saying something like "the ultimate survival guide to being stranded on a desert island" because I hate it when people ruin the game like that. (you're stranded on a desert island, what three things will you take? A boat, gasoline and a ham radio. Booooo!) So.....I think I'll take the Combined Lord of the Rings Trilogy (it'll be a big ass book) and looking through my library for other big books I enjoyed, I'll take The Fionavar Tapestry and....hmmm, this is tough....Wizard's First Rule maybe? Or Game of Thrones? Or can I combine all the Harry Potters into one? Or should I take something I haven't read yet.... nah.... too much of a risk. Did that answer the question? Kind of?

2. what is your favourite era for female clothing
I think women looked pretty awesome in the 40s/50s. I'm sure it would have been annoying and uncomfortable, but I love that people always seemed pulled together and like they tried with their hair and clothing and liked to present themselves well. Know what I mean?

3. which is your favourite museum and painter
I haven't been in a huge number of museums but I've been lucky enough to go into the Louvre, so I'll go with that. Not sure I could name a favourite painter....I suppose I would go with Van Gogh, but that seems cheesy. There's a piece by Goya (I think) that's always struck me, and I like some of Georgia O'Keefe's colours. Older stuff, generally, but ugh, this isn't a nice question either! But thanks for the questions Anne!

Do Me A Favour Would You?

Ask me three random questions, and I'll answer them in a post tomorrow!

Well, I'd probably type it out tonight to post tomorrow, but you know what I mean, right?

Cuz if you'd do that, I wouldn't have to be quite so frustrated about not having the time to think through all what I want to say.

Ya know?

Had another gloriously hot and sunny day today, with a breeze just to make it perfect.

Which was pretty good for a Wednesday.

Blah

I just watched a super sad video on YouTube and now I'm feeling completely depressed and I told myself I had to write a post before I went to bed but this is all I can manage even though I know I'll wake up in the morning and be all happy again and, sigh.

I hope you have a really nice Wednesday.

Oh, The Times, They Are

I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but not quite the mental ability to talk about it, if you know what I mean.

Like, I have to sit down and sort through my thoughts and make them somewhat coherent and then type them out, and I don't have the energy for that quite this moment.

You know how when kids go through a growth spurt, they sleep all the time so their body can, you know, get through all the growing? Mental and emotional growing is tiring too, so to make a sensical blog post may have to wait.

Plus, I'm trying to enjoy as much of this glorious summer as I can, so that includes being out and about and also kicking back and relaxing.

See? I don't even know what I'm talking about here in this non post.

So, yeah.

Totally.

Hi

I had a really good Sunday.

I spent the morning at a get together in the park and the evening visiting with two great, close, long time friends, one of whom is visiting from Australia.

We laughed and caught up and it was a really good time, much needed.

I'm sorry it's Monday, but hey... only four more days til the weekend y'all!


(I stayed up late Sunday night to write this so that I wouldn't leave a blank page up on Monday, and then, I guess because it was so late, I typed in the wrong date so it didn't post anyway, so here you go! Better late than never, right? Right! Plus, now there's only FOUR more days til the weekend! Yay!)

Man, I Love My Parents (And Good People In General)

I know I'm extra sensitive about all things parent-related right now, but whenever I see Olympic coverage of parents watching their child compete, or an Olympic-themed add about the support athletes get from their parents, I'm instantly in tears.

Like this one from a few months ago, ooof, right in the feels:


Procter & Gamble Olympics Mother's day TV Ad 



Edited to add: the other videos I had up I can't find anymore but am sure they were good too

Through

I got a hurtful text out of the blue from one of my oldest friends yesterday.

Although she didn't put it this simply, she was upset that I hadn't responded to her last two invitations to visit her. And she was very angry about it.

I, of course, was stunned and felt horrible and apologized immediately, explaining what's been going on, and apologizing again, but I haven't heard back from her other than a text wishing my Dad well.

After I'd calmed down somewhat from the surprise and hurt I felt myself, I thought things through.

I know I'm not the greatest at being social with my friends. I don't accept every invitation to come over or hang out or go to a barbecue or whatever it might be. I wouldn't say that's my forte as a friend. (Or as a daughter/sister/co-worker as the case may be.)

But I'm a good friend in other ways, and I appreciate that most of my friends and acquaintances accept this about me. As far as friends go, I'm on the less social side of things.

And for once, I'm not beating myself up about it.

I've grown a lot in the last few years, and learning who I am and then learning to accept who I am is an ongoing and challenging thing.

I'm very sad that I've inadvertently hurt my friend and I feel rude and careless that I missed responding to her invitations. I know, from my end, it wasn't on purpose, but I still should have not gotten distracted or whatever and done the polite thing and declined the invitation, that's my bad and I'll do my best to be better about that. (I'd thought I had been pretty good about that, but certainly my focus has been on immediate family this past year and especially this past month.)

And I'm also sad that my friend handled things this way. The text she sent was an angry one and I had no warning or idea that she was upset so her anger hit me full force, without warning.

I try to remember that often when someone's really upset there's something more going on in their life behind the surface and I do my best to be understanding of where they're coming from, but I don't quite know what or how to repair damages here.

(Yes, I've called and left a message, and hope to hear from her.)

It also reminds me to continue to be careful when I have a grievance with someone, especially someone close, because being blindsided is an awful feeling.

I try, when a friend or loved one upsets me or hurts me in some way, to see where it is I'm coming from. Is it my issue that's at play here? Or is there something worth talking over with this person?

And if I think that a conversation might improve things, which, as I said the other week, I'm not always sure it does, I'll try my best to be calm about it, not to bring it up in anger, although that's easier said than done of course.

But I like to think that if I had a problem with the way a friend treated me, that I'd be able to say "Hey, I feel like you always put your work ahead of our friendship and it makes me feel lonely." or whatever. But maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I'd just hold it in until I snapped and then.... wish I hadn't. Or something.

I'm not happy that this has happened, but I'm happy that my brain didn't get stuck in "no one likes me and I'm a horrible person" mode, because that's certainly where it was headed for a while.

I'll miss my friend if this is the tipping point of our relationship and she choses to end things or withdraw somewhat, but I will also remind myself that I am a good person, and I am a good friend, even if I'm not the type of friend some people want.

And to the couple of friends who have found their way to this blog over the years, thank you for allowing me to be who I am and for accepting me flaws and all, even when those flaws maybe frustrate you or make you feel like I don't spend much time with you. I love my friends dearly, and think about them all the time, and I hope at least that much comes across. I would never intentionally hurt the people I love, and I always mean the best.

I am learning who I am, for better or worse, and accepting the good and the bad and working on the ugly. It's a bumpy road and nothing close to easy, but I think it's important and I value the process enough to keep going.

And The Confusing

I've been worried about a lot of things these last few weeks, some bigger than others, of course, but all still muddling around in my mind in an unhappy sort of way.

Exhibit one: My camera started not focussing properly so after very helpful emails with Canon Canada, I sent it off (holy smokes UPS is expensive) and waited for them to fix it.

Except they didn't.

Which frustrates me to no end.

They had me try a number of things and when they didn't help, they told me to send it to them and I was happy to do so. Then they contacted me after they received it to tell me they couldn't replicate the problem (which is SO unfair as both myself and the guy at the store I bought it at could make the problem happen and I explained to them when/how it happens) and then they said it was the lens and they'd repair or replace that and then they said they still couldn't replicate (duplicate, whatever) the problem and so they were sending the lens and camera back un-fixed at no charge.

Because nothing was wrong.

Except something is.

Argh.

So, I was hoping to just take the worry of "broken camera, should I buy a new one? Do I trust a local repair shop?" away and just have it fixed.

And now it's going to come back to me un-fixed and I don't know what to do.

So that worry didn't get lessened any.

And of course, I think we were kind of hoping that Dad having to call 911, as per cardiologist's orders would get his surgery rushed through, but it didn't and so that didn't clear up any worries there either.

Two un-relieved worries, one to go.

My health.

It's a whole separate post, really, but to summarize, my bloodwork was off and so I had another set to see if things were really out of whack and they are but not enough to explain anything, so that was upsetting, because if things had been fully weird, we'd have been able to go forward, but they're only half weird, so it's, unclear and another un-relieved worry.

I'd really hoped that taking charge of at least the camera situation and the health situation would resolve/sort out some things, but it ended up not helping or fixing anything and that's been frustrating and upsetting.

I like clarity.

Who doesn't?

Sigh.

With The Bad

But although the long weekend had some wonderful days, there's been some really rough stuff leading up to it.

I got a phone call late Friday night, never a good sign, especially not when it was my Mom, calling from the ER.

My Dad's fine, let me put that out there right away, but the phone call's never one you want to get.

My Dad's cardiologist had insisted that, along with not driving (and operating chainsaws, etc. were my Dad so inclined) he is to call 911 if he feels dizzy/faint over the next few weeks til we wait for his surgery date.

And while Dad's not always great at following what the doctors would like him to do, I guess after most of a day of feeling poorly, they did indeed call 911.

My parents called me once before from the ER, after someone t-boned their car, and both that time and this time they said "don't come, stay home."

Which, is completely not what I did, either time.

Not that I needed to be there, but what else could I have done, sat at home worrying? No. So I got dressed, and headed out, and kept them company.

I could tell when I got there that he wasn't in rough shape, and as weird as it may sound, the fact that he waited for hours before he got seen (after the initial triage and checkups of course) sort of relieved me. If he'd been dying right then and there, they'd probably be fussing about him a lot more and not just... ignoring him while they dealt with the seriously sick people.

When he finally did get moved from the waiting area to the area where he was monitored, it helped that the male nurse assigned to him was handsome and charming.

Well, that helped cheer me up anyway.

The ER doc that saw him was also very reassuring and kind, and thorough, and both he and the nurse insisted that if Dad had another episode like that he was to come back in.

I know, it seems counter-intuitive to be told to call 911 if you feel a certain way, only to be taken in, checked out and sent home, but that's just how it is until his surgery and he's not to be out of range of a hospital until his surgery.

I was glad it was the weekend though, as my body doesn't take to 3 am nights any more (if it ever really did) and I felt sleeping in the next morning was completely justified.

Oddly enough, the trip to the ER greatly reassured my parents. The doc told them the risk for Dad over the next few weeks of waiting was not huge as long as he didn't push himself and stayed close to 911 access. My parents also felt that having been through the "call 911" process, they're ok with doing it again. Like, they realized it wasn't that big of a deal, they got help, it all turned out ok.

Mom said they'd only called me because they forgot the gate card to get back into their complex so wouldn't have been able to get a taxi back to their place and so they needed my card. I, of course, drove them home and told them I was happy to do it again if necessary, but they say next time they'll just take a cab.

I don't know why this strikes me as so wrong, but, whatever works for them.

Maybe that was part of why the weekend felt so good. To have been through that stress (when my Mom called, I didn't know what to expect) and anxiety and long wait to have then three days of rest, relaxation, good happy times with my parents, and sunshine was a wonderful counterpoint. Magnified the good, I suppose.

Some sort of karmic balancing or something.

You Take The Good

I've had a mixed few days, but I find myself feeling weirdly relaxed and anxious all at the same time (if that's possible) after the long weekend.

We had glorious weather, complete with sunny, delicious heat and a cooler, cloudy holiday Monday morning that meant it felt right to be lazing about at home.

Took in the ocean on Sunday, (took a short spin in a kayak for the first time since before my accident, and yes, it hurt that night!) and then took myself to Symphony Splash where I thoroughly enjoyed the tribute to John Williams. That guy rocks. (Plus, I correctly guessed all the themes in the medly!) And the marching piper band guys (and gals), they were great too. It's always great. You should go. Next year.

Read a bit, had my Mom re-teach me knitting, walked up a big hill in the heat, ate delicious Ranier cherries, slept well, relaxed.

Saturday was good, although I can't quite remember all that I did, and Sunday was epically great and Monday was good and mellow. So a really good long weekend that came around at exactly the right time.

Helped, if didn't fix... things.

Catching Up

While we all play the waiting game around these here parts, here's what else of not-very-consequence is going on.

It's August, which is nice, and we've had lovely weather for a great while now. Lots of things seem to happen in August. It's like the December of Summer, if that makes sense. Symphony Splash this weekend, which is unfortunately reminding me of meeting Chad.

My camera started acting weird mid-July and after a few days of it not quite being able to focus, I contacted Canon. They had me try a few things which didn't help and so I sent it in for them to fix. Now I'm not entirely sure what's going on as their repair service emails are terribly confusing. So either they haven't found anything at all wrong with my camera (which will really weird me out and confuse me) or they have and are going to fix it. Not sure. Waiting to have an email back from them.

I'm currently shooting with my old digital camera (non-SLR) and I'm having to adjust the shots I take. The thing I notice the most is the feeling of being unable to see what I'm taking a picture of. But it's still a decent little camera, and I'm managing. Can't wait to get my real camera back though, and hopefully fixed, too.

Also waiting to have some blood test results back, and keep refreshing the "results" page, and it's driving me a little bit batty.

My Dad's not allowed to drive right now, and we're still weeks away until his scheduled surgery date (and he won't be allowed to drive after that for a while either) so I'm driving my parents when I can. My Mom can drive, for sure, but I know she's very anxious right now waiting, so when I can, I head over and give them a lift somewhere. It makes me feel like I'm helping, and it also gives me an excuse to hang out with them. Not that I need an excuse really. You know what I mean.

I don't know that I'll be going away on a trip at the end of August anymore (see driving, above) but I think I'll still take holiday time. People seem to be going on holiday all around (including two of my Dad's doctors and my friend's OBGYN) so I guess I should do the same, but they're apparently going to do some work around the building right around the same time, so I may not have the most relaxing time at home, but... such is life. I find I'm caring a little less about things these days.

This is a long weekend. I think a lot of people go out of town for the long weekend, so, happy camping/vacationing to them all I say.

I'm sure there's other stuff going on, but for now that's all I can think of. I'm still a little bit rattled and not quite on top of things mentally, but we're coping and it helps to have sunshine and long days.

Random Questions

(I completely stole this from Jonathan. Didn't even ask, just plain old stole it. Figured it would give me something to say, at least. Sorry for the thievery Jonathan!)

If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?

I would have it so we were allowed to have pets, and then I'd get a dog!!!!

What was the last thing you bought?

Gum (the kind I like was on sale), Skittles (ditto on the sale) and soap. (Wasn't on sale but I'm currently using my last bar.)

Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?

Not technically. I've tried to ride a dirt bike. Fell over pretty quickly. Haven't tried since.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

No. Absolutely not bungee jumping. And I used to say that I would never sky dive, but for some reason I've now changed my mind to "maybe." But probably not.

Do you have a garden?

No. But I have houseplants if that counts, and I can see trees and things out my window.

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

Absolutely. In English and in French.


What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

On a work day? "Nooooooooooooo!" (As in, I'm not ready yet.) On a weekend? "Ahhhh, I don't have to work, I think I'll hit snooze."


If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?

I have absolutely no idea. I guess I'll say the Queen. She's been around a while and seen a lot and I bet she has a lot of interesting stories to tell. Plus, it would be quite an experience!

Who sent the last text message you received?

Ironically, I sent myself one from my parents' iPad. Wanted to see how the address turned up. If that doesn't count, then it was from my dear friend and (currently eight months pregnant) co-worker.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

I don't want to max out my credit card because then I'll just have to pay it all back and I'll be in debt. But, to go with the flow of things, I'd want to max out my credit card at London Drugs. They've got all the ordinary things you need for around the house, plus electronics (new computer, camera, phone, etc.) and everything in between.

(Now here, go see what Jonathan said.)

Stumbling

This may not make sense to anyone other than me, but I kind of don't know how to write right now.

In fact, yesterday's post was one I had written a couple of weeks ago and held back for a day when I needed a post.

Like yesterday.

My Dad needs another intervention for his heart.

And the news absolutely floored me.

My Mom called to let me know and as soon as she told me I started crying on the phone. Full on crying and all I could say was "why?"

Why, when it's been a year since his open heart surgery aren't things better? Why can't he just be healthy from now on? Why did this happen? Why can't he be ok?

Just, why?

I know I'm in shock, I can feel it, and all I can do is cry and feel stunned right now. Try to remember to eat and how to function.

I'm devastated right now, and I may need a couple of days before things feel different.

So if I don't post for a few days you know why.

But maybe I will. Who knows. I'm just saying.

I didn't want to do this again.

And I didn't want reminded that my parents will not always be here.

That's a low blow.

Huh. Go Figure

I just had a remembrance of my University days exploded.

Well, ok "exploded" is a little dramatic, but still.

I was wandering through London Drugs and found a row of those "bowl of noodle soup" things? Now, I used to love them. Thought they were the easiest, tastiest meal ever. So simple! Boil water, empty into fake bowl, mix with provided seasoning, done!

I decided to go back in time a bit and have one for dinner, so I found one that didn't contain MSG (the main reason I stopped eating them I think... MSG tends to give me a headache) and boiled me up some water.

I was so looking forward to having the thing for dinner but as I started slurping up the noodles I realized there was no nutritional value to the thing at all.

Like, I was eating, but I wasn't getting any less hungry.

It was all just empty calories. No protein. Nothing particularly filling or good for me.

*Sad face*

I swear, I used to be full after eating one of those things.

Maybe I was eating better back then and didn't notice? Or maybe I'm eating better now and do?

Oh well, at least I'm not nostalgic for Mr Noodles any more.

Passage

When did we stop being the child we once were?

When did we stop running full tilt into the water? When did it start to matter that it was too cold, too choppy, too far from home?

I'm not saying I want to live life with the wild abandon of the innocent and consequence free (although that would be nice) I'm just saying what happened to all those things I used to love to do?

Used to be, when I was a kid, you could barely keep me out of the water.

Be it lake, ocean, pool, if it was there? I was in it. I'd spend entire summers half-immersed in the ocean, half playing on the beach.

When did that change?

I can't remember the last time I swam in the ocean, or in a lake. And these days when I do go down to the beach and stick my foot in, all I can think is "man that's cold."

What else about myself have I lost? What other freedoms have I given up, unwittingly, unknowingly?

When does that fear start to take over? The fear of being judged, or hurt, even physically. The fear of danger, being wrong, getting laughed at, left behind, forgotten.

Not that I want to be silly or ridiculous, or some kind of over-grown child-woman, I just want to be care-free again. To just want to go run and jump into that water, or whatever that water stands for, metaphorically, just because it's fun and I love it and I want to and I can.

But, how?

Bleargh

I feel like I just fell face forward into Friday.

Know what I mean?

Like, the weekend's a big ol' mattress with a comfy blanket comforter and Friday's... me... falling face forward towards it.

Poof/flop. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Shhhhhh

This week I keep realizing how often I get stuck worrying about the future. Or even thinking about it.

Like, for example, I'm taking some holiday time at the end of August and I think I'll be heading over to one of the many beautiful islands we have here on the coast.

Already, I'm thinking about what to pack and if I have a sun hat that will work and the sunscreen I'll want to take and then I catch myself and I realize, dude. It's a month away. What's the point in doing all this worrying/planning/thinking (because it's not anything more than worrying about it, really) now?

There's a lot of people who talk about the importance of being "mindful" or "in the moment" and I really get that.

I just don't know why it's so hard for me to do.

Like, it's been gorgeous and sunny this week. Work's relatively mellow (knock on wood) right now and things are going well in a pretty general sense of everything. Why be worrying about a month away? Why even be worrying about a week away?

Sometimes I think that's why I don't like to commit to things. "Hey, Victoria, want to come over next weekend and play Monopoly?"

And then I just start thinking about all the reasons I might not want to next weekend or what else might happen between then and now and I worry about stupid things like, what if I don't get the dog piece or I can't remember where my friend lives and depending on what the future event is, I lose sleep over these things.

I just want my brain to shhhhhh.

It's annoying and doesn't make me relax. And I don't think it particularly helps, although my brain obviously thinks it does.

I mean, if only this were the single annoying thing my brain does... that'd be at least a bit better.

Oh well.

What does your brain do that you wish it would just stop doing?

I'm Like The European Union of Candy

I opened my candy cupboard (wait, what do you mean "candy cupboard?" doesn't everyone have a candy cupboard?) the other day and realized I had quite an eclectic collection.

I had two types of candy imported from Britain, one from Germany, one Canadian and a couple generically North American.

I guess I consider myself a candy Good Will ambassador or something. Nothing tasty is turned away.

I guess if I had a slogan it might say "All Delicious Candy and Chocolate Welcome Here" (and then in very small print "but I might not like some types and so won't eat them, sorry)

Wonderings

I sometimes wonder to myself if it's worth it letting people know when you have a problem with them.

Because, generally, I don't.

I usually either just let whatever it is that's frustrating/bugging/annoying me sit, or I try to figure out why it's frustrating/bugging/annoying me because sometimes it's something about me that I see in them and that's why it's annoying.

But, I also don't usually bother because I don't see what positive outcome could come from it. Like, why should I sit down with person X and explain that something they did/said/didn't do upset me?

And does it matter the relationship with that person? If it's a friend? Co-worker? Family member? Random stranger? Acquaintance? Guy who hands you your morning coffee?

At what point it is worth saying "Hey, I have a problem with something and it's affecting our relationship." Because they probably don't know it's affecting the relationship. Coffee guy has no idea I don't like it when he mis-pronounces my name after I've corrected him thirty times. He has no idea I'm so annoyed by it I actually try to avoid his shift. (OMG I seriously just made that all up I completely don't even like coffee I am some kind of crazy liar!)

So if/when someone does something that upsets you in some way, is it worth talking to them about? If something they do lets you down, is that their issue or yours? If something they say hurts you, should you tell them that was mean, or just deal with your hurt?

If someone turns out to be different from who you thought they were, is there any point in telling them how you feel?

I'm really not sure, but I tend to think not.

I've done it a few times, with a co-worker, friend, parent, boyfriend, but I'm not sure it changed anything for the better. Some people don't, or can't change, but at least I can try to adjust.

I dunno.

It's just kind of been rambling through my brain of late.

I think maybe there's no one answer, and I think maybe it differs from person to person, and maybe even situation to situation.

But I do wonder.

Melancholy

I'm still feeling rather blah from last week, and the news that the child of friends of mine has been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes has me feeling quite sad.

Kids aren't supposed to get sick or be sick or learn they have a life-long illness to cope with.

It's a rather hopeless feeling, not knowing how to comfort my friends. I know they'll be fine, but still. . .

Makes me want to hug my parents too. I was diagnosed with a fairly harmless but nevertheless life long illness as a ten year old and it's only now that I can imagine what they must have gone through.

I marvel at the fact that never once did they show me that they were afraid or upset, not even in the week or two I spent at Children's Hospital in Vancouver. (That place is the best, I had a blast, considering.)

Life's a funny thing, and I feel lucky every day that I'm healthy and well.

Kids shouldn't get sick, but they do, and it's sad. But kids are wonderful and little packages of joy that remind us to get out there and laugh and play and be silly and get as many hugs as you can.

Seriously????

Remember the anger I mentioned as one of the emotions I'm going through right now?

Well, yeah, I'm kind of having a lot of that right now.

Earlier in the week, maybe Tuesday or so, I sent the guy a message... something along the lines of, thanks for meeting, send me a message if you'd like to hang out again, if not I understand.

After all, he'd said he would message, he clearly wasn't, I thought I'd give him a gentle out, take the higher road sort of thing.

And I really did think he was a polite enough person to send me back a message along the lines of, yeah, thanks for meeting, it just didn't click, take care.

But no. Nothing. It's pissing me off.

So after not hearing from him, I went and "hid" my profile.

And then last night I got an email from the site. "Sorry, but your profile picture doesn't show your face, it's been deleted."

And because I'm riding the bitter, angry train right now two thoughts popped into my head.

1. When I was on this date with this guy, I mentioned to him that some of the guy's I'd met via the online dating site (this was his first time meeting someone this way, for what it's worth) just never contacted me again and how I thought that was pretty rude. His face at the time looked shocked, surprised that someone would do that. But now I feel like me saying that somehow gave him permission. I wonder.

2. I also talked to him about how there's an option on the site to go through and tell the site if the person has a shirtless picture up (he'd asked me how many guys on the site have shirtless pictures up and I said not many.) Now I feel like he went and pressed some button telling the site my picture didn't show my face.

But that's probably a ridiculous thought, right? I mean, I'm sure it's just pure co-incidence that all of a sudden I get this message and they deleted my photo. Right?

Whatever. I'm pretty angry all round right now and if this stupid site doesn't want me to have a picture up any more that's just fine with me. I wave my middle finger in the whole process' general direction.

So I'm mad at that guy for being a wimp and not dumping me properly, and I'm mad at the stupid site for not even looking before deleting the picture I didn't even want to have up there anyway.

CURSE WORDS!

Updated to add: Ironically, just received a message after typing this out (last night,) basically - "genuinely enjoyed meeting you, don't want to meet up again. Take care."

Which is fine.... we can't all connect, whatever... not like the message is any great surprise, I saw it coming the very evening we met, but... I do wish he'd taken the time to send this message a few days ago, or even the evening after we'd met.

But, at least he responded...eventually.

Picking At It

When I go through a rough patch, I often write about it when I'm most raw.

I mean, maybe that seems obvious, but usually things settle down. Eventually. Or I at least start waking up feeling calmer, or getting through the days will less hurt.

But sometimes I forget to go back to what I'd said when I'm feeling a little less wounded. A lot of the time it's because I just want to move on and I don't want to go digging back around in that wound when it's already starting to scab over.

But now that the harshest of feelings around this latest dating situation has dimmed somewhat, I'm reminding myself to write down what happens after the big hurt. Because that matters too.

Sometimes it takes a few days, and depending, sometimes longer than that, but at some point, my thoughts turn away from the deep sorrow and hurt to something more akin to bafflement.

I start trying to figure out what, exactly happened. And I suppose I'm happy to say that while I used to beat myself up that it must have been some physical lack of mine (looks, weight, hair, makeup) I now rarely linger on that topic (meh, I'm good looking enough...people much uglier/fatter/other mean words than I am are happily married, so it's not that.)

But then that, unfortunately, takes me to my personality.

Because if I'm not hideously ugly, he must just not have liked *me*.

And I'm not sure if that hurts just as much or even more than not being liked for how you look.

But that's where I start to get baffled. Because on these dates, like this last one, it's not like anything goes... wrong.

It's not like there's massive discomfort, or awkward silences. It's not like the guy tried to squirm his way out of the whole thing fifteen minutes in.

And then the bafflement starts to bounce towards anger. Well if he didn't like me, why'd he keep continuing the conversation or finding a new street to walk down? And if he didn't like me, why didn't he take the time to tell me as much then, or soon after?

And depending on the mood of that moment, that can either swing back to sadness - of course he didn't like me, who would? (and all the massive insecurities and low self esteem issues love to raise their voices at this time to chip in) or some weird anger/stubbornness combination - how could he not have seen through my nerves or whatever to see that I'm decent and good and what an idiot he is for not sticking around because (sometimes I think) I am kind of awesome.

So then there'll be a day or a week or so of these mixed thoughts. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm feeling sorry for him, I'm feeling sorry for me, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I don't actually care, I give up, maybe I don't, but I do, but what a jerk, but how did this happen, what went wrong, I'm confused, hurt, angry and sad all at once.

Ms. Kübler-Ross would be proud, I'm sure.

I've found it's not always helpful to talk to friends at this point. Because they're all so well meaning, but for most of them, a breakup's something that hasn't happened for a long long time and so they either tell me it'll all work out and he's bound to call/email/text any day now, or they tell me they don't know what to say (I wouldn't either I suppose) or that they're sorry and they'd hoped it'd work out. But when I'm in this mixed, bouncing around mood, nothing is particularly comforting. It's hard to get support (insert shifting sand is a bad foundation metaphor here.) when I don't even know what I'm feeling from one moment to the next.

But, there's what happens after the sad.

The confusion.

And, sadly, the desire to never repeat the situation and feelings again. A desire, that unfortunately just gets strengthened every time this happens.

I can't say I blame myself for wanting to stay away from hurt.

Delay

He wasn't even quite what I expected, a smaller personality than I would have guessed from our written communication back and forth.

And it was, I think, the wrong setup for our first meeting, we should have met at a pub, had a drink, but I've never done that, so I wasn't about to start.

And, sure, I feel better after a good night's sleep, and a few good cries. But I'm still annoyed at the conversations that are going on in my head - the excuses being offered, the reasons to just wait...it'll work out... you'll see!

You already know he doesn't like using the computer much, he probably just hasn't sat down in front of it for a couple of days.

No.

Maybe he thinks you don't like him and he's scared to ask you out again in case you reject him!

No.

No, but, really, maybe he did quite like you and just isn't sure what to do from here or what to say!

No.

Just give it a few more days. Maybe he'll message you now. THERE! What was that, you got a message it was him wasn't it? WASN'T IT?!!!!!!!!

No.

Ok, well maybe later. Like... say by lunch time today.

Like you made me wait for lunch time yesterday? Or maybe by dinner yesterday? Or bedtime? Etc. etc.? No.

And it goes on and on, just oooooh maybe! excitement followed by let down and let down and let down that I logically know is going to happen.

But the optimism is good you argue.

I'm not so sure any more. It just ends up being wrong and so it's not just me getting hurt, it's also that hopeful self getting crushed. And the bitter me just adds the pain on to the already quite well established Pink Floyd-ian brick wall, but then it has to roll its eyes and reach over to deal with the crushed little shit of a sobbing heap of crushed hope too. "There there, little fellow, it's ok." pat, pat, pat. Bitter me doesn't appreciate having to babysit.

But There It Is

See, I didn't quite expect a message from him that night, although that would have been an excellent sign he was into me. But I was a little bummed there wasn't one in the morning.

I knew he had plans for that next day, so didn't really expect a message for most of the day, but then as the day turned into evening and there was still no message, I started to feel a little discouraged. I know how this works, you see.

I went for a walk, to clear my mind and get some fresh air, having already run the gamut during the day from "it's his loss, I rock!" to "good god I'm fat and ugly, no wonder" to "no, I'm not fat or ugly, get a grip" to "man, it sucks that he's not interested".

I suppose I was still hopeful, at that point, that there'd be a message waiting. He'd been pretty consistent over the week or so we'd been talking, and usually messaged around the same time every day.

Besides, we'd originally arranged to meet that very evening, but changed it to the night before when plans changed. He said it'd work better for him that way anyway. So I guess in my mind I figured he'd be home, having, perhaps, thought of me at some point during the day, sitting down to write a message, hopefully about the next time we could meet and spend time together.

But, then again, there was still that thought lingering at the back of my head, that gut feeling from the end of our date that he wasn't all that interested.

I mean, at least with what's his face from last summer, when we met that first time, I knew he wanted to see me again, I could tell. And he did. And he let me know he liked me, right up until the moment he didn't.

So I was mildly hopeful perhaps, as I rounded the corner and headed up another street on my walk. And I'm not sure why I glanced across the road, and I'm sure it was ironic that I'd just been thinking about him and his car because that glance across the road took me right to his car, and him. And the blonde getting into his car.

He wasn't at home, writing me a message. He was out.

Possibly on a date. Probably on a date.

"Hey, turns out I am free that night, things opened up, let's grab dinner."

Because it's not like he owed me anything. We just met. No one's saying you can't date ten people at once until you decide to just stick with one. And it's not like it's the first time a guy's dumped me because he was going out with someone else from the dating site and ended up liking her more.

But it still hurt.

And it really does lead me back to the thought I keep coming back to recently - I think, perhaps, I'm just meant to be alone.

I think maybe I'm not built for a romantic relationship. I think maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life with it just being me.

And my parents will be gone one of these days, the two people who are built to love me. The two people who gave me parts of my heart and soul. And after them, there is just me. And really, even with them here, there is just me because they have each other. As does everyone else in my life.

So this is the mourning I think I need to process. The fact that it is probably, for the rest of my life, in a very real way, just going to be me. I'm going to be single and alone from now on.

And since there is no getting younger and I'm heading towards what may be the mid-point of my life, or close to it, I can't begin to tell you how sad I am to look into that length and see me never having someone close to share it with.

And, yes, this one small event reminded me of this. I am a good person. I am likeable. There are people who like me and people who love me. I am a good person. I'm just not someone anyone wants to be with.

And maybe I used to be, but maybe I just slept my way into relationships and thought that meant they loved me.

So it's going to be just me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to be ok with that.

But there it is.

Thrown Back

I've been fine for a while, relationship wise, I have.

The last couple of months have been all about talking about mortgages and looking at listings and wondering about dog-sitting and it was stressful, sure, but nice to have something to think about other than being single.

But the last couple of weekends, I've had a bit more time to breathe and, slightly bored, I checked out a few profiles on the online dating site.

I quite honestly couldn't be bothered to strike up a conversation with anyone, but there was one guy whose profile I really liked so I send him a hello and we started messaging.

We got along great via message, so much to talk about, so we decided to meet up this weekend.

I was, of course, nervous for the "blind meeting of random stranger from the internet" as usual, and he was a few minutes late to our meeting spot, which didn't help my nerves, but he was nice and cuter than his picture (which doesn't happen often) and so we wandered for a while and talked.

I felt nervous and awkward of course, not myself, which is always too bad in these meetings, but we had a lot to talk about (well, I talked a lot...too much it feels like, and he asked questions and well, yeah, lots to be said and talked about.)

After we'd walked a giant loop and ended back up at his car he kind of seemed like he wanted to keep talking, but we just sort of ended things and I asked for a hug (which in retrospect seems stupid) and he said he'd send me a message.

I don't know if you guys remember back to Steve from a couple of months ago, but I remember at the end of our dinner just having the feeling he wasn't interested.

And, I'm sorry to say, I had the same feeling at the end of this date this weekend.

Not that he didn't like me or that we didn't get along or anything like that. Just that this guy (yet again) wasn't interested in dating me or particularly getting to know me any further.

Sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just a little slow in sending me that message, you'll argue.

Yeah. Except no.

He's not interested.

He's had time.

He would have shown interest if he had it.

I hate that I'm right, but I'm right and it sucks.

And it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts.

I think I give up on online dating. It doesn't work for me.

That cold-call meeting just doesn't suit me, and whoever it is that those guys meet? Whatever nervous, un-relaxed version of me those guys meet? They don't like.

But it still hurts. It's still rejection.

And like I said yesterday, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't think I'll hear from this guy again, but if I do, if he's polite enough to send me a "thanks but no thanks" message, I'm deleting my account.

I see a nice guy, we chat, we arrange to meet, I get nervous, I worry, we meet, it goes "ok", he's not interested.

I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate it too much, I'm not getting any better at it, I don't enjoy it, it's not getting me anywhere, I can't handle the rejection.

I mean, think about it.

You liked my personality on paper and in writing enough to meet me. But then you met me and changed your mind.

How is that not going to sting?










(Oh, wait. I guess I should mention seeing him getting into his car with a pretty blonde the evening after our "date"? And how, while I know this could have been a friend/sister/whatever, it just kind of pushed me over the "well, fuck this" ledge. How was that for a kick in the teeth? "Well, no wonder he's not messaged me, he's out on a much more interesting date with a much prettier person. Fuck.")

Sure, I Suppose There's A Story To Tell

I think I just assume now that I'm going to be rejected.

And yet, it still hurts deep down in the very core of me when I am.

You'd think that expecting it would make the rejection easier, but I think because it affirms the worst thoughts I have about myself, it ends up being worse.

Sometimes I wish the little tiny hopeful part of me would just get crushed and die already because then it wouldn't get kicked around anymore. I wish it would stop pulling itself together and believing that maybe next time, maybe THIS time it'll be different.

I can't take it anymore, I don't want to. And I don't mean life, I mean the desire to have a partner, to be loved and in love.

I want to give up and I'm sick of getting over the pain and trying again. I want to quit and never ever ever go through anything again.

Ever.

Some Nostalgia For Your Weekend

What's something you miss from the past?

I miss going into the corner store with my hard-earned allowance and looking at all the candy I could buy! (I still do enjoy buying candy, but it's somehow not the same feeling, maybe because I know there are other things I could/should be spending my money on.)

I miss collecting stickers and having a sticker album and showing my friends the cool puffy sticker I got or the googly-eyed one or the scratch and sniff one that smelled just like grape! Here! Try it!

I think I miss Elementary school in general. I'm not sure I can put my finger on why, but it always just seemed fun and light and bright and cheerful and you could learn cool things and have fun and run around and, yeah, it was just generally awesome.

I miss high school crushes and that feeling when you finally got close enough to hold hands.

I miss spending all day at the beach in the summer, playing in the water and sand. (How did we not get sunburnt? How did we not think the water was freezing?)

I miss the house we grew up in.

I miss a particular flavour of candy we found once in an old fashioned candy store in downtown Vancouver, across from the ballet company I was in. They looked like a big fat bumble bee - yellow with black stripes and they were kind of a sour flavour, but when you got to the inside, or bit through, there was a red, sweet syrup inside. They were awesome.

And not to get too sad, which would be easy to do here, but I miss the oatmeal cookies they made down at the beach when my Dad and I would go for a walk on a Saturday morning to let my Mom sleep in after her late night as a night-shift nurse.

And last but not least, I miss getting on my BMX bike with my best friend from across the street and taking off to go play somewhere or explore somewhere or just to feel the wind in our hair. Awesome. Pure awesome.

Just Sayin'

Most of us are aware of a very helpful thing many smartphones do when you're typing - they can autocorrect your mistakes.

I think Word has done this in a very simple way for years, because as someone who often types faster than my fingers can manage, I have seen "teh" magically turned into "the" when I'm done typing it a few gazillion times.

So it's nice to be texting away to a friend and see that the phone is correcting your "ie" spelling mistake, or throwing in that extra "l" you forgot about, but sometimes, your phone is too smart for your own good and corrects a word you didn't want corrected.

Like, these phones try to sometimes guess what it is you want them to say and/or correct a word you've goofed up spelling and so that, occasionally leads to mistakes, often hilarious ones.

(I'm pretty sure I've already shown you this, but in case you missed it, here's an entire website devoted to hilarious and/or cringe-worthy auto correct mistakes.)

So now that we're all on the same page, let me tell you a little story that happened last weekend.

I don't know how many of you remember, but a few years ago, I had a crush on a really cute temp spy worker, and we went out on a couple of "coffee dates" and then he talked about his "partner" and then I found out he was gay and then we became good friends? Yeah, so buddy and I go for wanders along the waterfront on warm, sunny days, and this weekend was full of warm sunny days so he sent me a text.

Walk later?

Sounds good, I'm ready whenever.

OK. I'll be over in ten.

During the time it takes him to drive over, I'll throw on my runners and sunscreen and outside-of-the-house clothes if I've still not changed out of my pjs (what, it's the weekend, what else are weekends for?) and then he'll send me a text to let me know he's here. It's usually funny because I can hear him beeping his car locked as I get the text saying "here."

So this time, I glanced down at his text as I heard his car lock beep and burst out laughing when I read "heterosexual."

Not only was it a pretty darn good autocorrect (you miss the "r" in here, and I guess your phone decides you were going for a much longer word?) but it was my one gay friend and it was almost as if he was calling it like he sees it! Yo, hetero friend, I'm here, let's go! Awesome.

I could honestly not stop laughing as I tied up my shoes and headed down the stairs. He was cracking up too, and we probably laughed at it for a solid five minutes.

Heterosexual.

Yes, yes I am.

A Worry Currently Stuck In My Brain

I'm nervous about getting a puppy.

Not that I'm 100% sure I'll get a puppy when I do get a dog, but I might, I mean, I think I kind of want to. It'd be nice to raise a dog from puppyhood and all...

But I'm nervous because I can't stay home with the puppy all day.

I mean, sure, I'll save up some holiday time and be there for the first few weeks, but then what happens? I go back to work, and my poor little puppy is sat at home all by herself for eight, nine hours a day? That's hardly fair.

I suppose I could hire a dog walker, then the puppy would at least get some exercise and company (and, er...pooping time) during the day, but then that feels unfair to me somehow. Like someone else is doing the training/walking/what-evering.

I know I should just sit down with my friends who've had puppies and ask them what they did, but I also know from the small conversations I've had that different people have done different things.

One friend told me that she just lay down "wee wee pads" and everything worked out. Another girl brought her puppy to work and kept it in the car so she could go out at lunch and walk it. I'm sure some people get permission to bring a dog to work, but I don't think that's something that would go down at my spy cave. Plus, it's not like I can pause from stealing the Hope Diamond to correct my puppy or clean up a "mistake."

Really, I think this whole train of thought is yet another example of the train of thought I tend towards.

An unknown change? = Try to figure out how to make it go smoothly. = Have never done it before so don't know all the possible variables. = Panicky feeling.

But whereas I can maybe learn to just go with the flow in some situations, I feel like this one would really benefit from some forethought and planning.

Not that I'm going to be able to get said puppy any time soon, but still.

So, yeah. I'm nervous about getting a dog in general, but a puppy even more so. Because I don't know what to do about the fact that I'm out of the house for many many hours five days a week and while I'm sure I could find a doggy day care or walker or something, that, to me, feels like someone else would be "training" my dog at a time when I want to be the one doing that. Or, as Cesar Millan might say, I want my dog to see *me* as its pack leader, not the dog walker/day care owner.

Le sigh.

Mini Rant, Please Excuse

Buildings I like, Y U No allow dogs???????

*pout*