Nothing But

A lot of things changed for me at the time of my Dad's surgery. I became stronger in so many ways, and tougher in ways I maybe would rather not have.

Priorities and worries shifted and my sense of what mattered became clearer.

Some big picture things changed, and some small, seemingly meaningless things changed.

One thing that came out of it all is that I no longer particularly care about age when it comes to dating.

I used to have a real problem thinking of dating a guy who was, say, five years younger than me.

Now? Who cares?

If he's a good guy and we get along? I'm not going to care if someone says I'm too old for him.

Now, that's not to say I want to date the 58 year old guy who messaged me the other day, but I think I'm more comfortable with a spread of ages than I was before.

Why?

I don't know really. Except when you get right down to the things that really matter in life, age isn't one of them.

Just Me?

Sometimes I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm ugly.

Sometimes I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm ok.

And sometimes, I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm hot.

I think it has something to do with my hair, and how clean it is, or maybe just my bangs. But that maybe only makes sense to me.

But it weirds me out that I'm always the same, physical person, but how I see myself changes, sometimes drastically and dramatically and I feel like it shouldn't.

So, I'm wondering, am I the only one who goes through this? Or do we all see ourselves as hot/attractive one day and less so another day?

Or are there any of you out there who genuinely think you're good looking all the time? And if so, where'd you get your confidence?

Lists

When we got told that everyone in our building had to move out, to help quell (no, I don't really know why that word decided it wanted to be used, but I'm just going to let it have its way) the panic, I started making lists.

And because once the idea of having to move started to freak me out, everything started to freak me out and so everything went on my list.

Everything from "write blog post" or "take green shirt to be cleaned" to "pack kitchen" and "call phone company."

Also on that list was, "Go on date with guys W, X, Y, and Z."

Because I wanted to go on a date with them, and I wanted to do it before I was living with my parents (makes it a little more awkward, no?) and the idea of having to go on these dates was freaking me out.

An amplified freakout, perhaps, but a freakout nonetheless.

So while I didn't hear from Y, I did, in fact go on a date with W, X, and Z and I'm glad I was brave enough to do so, when I could very easily have used the excuse of "my life is too busy with the move and packing." But it also amused me quite a bit, every time I looked on my to do list and "Go on a date with X" , "Go on a date with Y" was on there.

So it helped me calm down, and it gave me the focus to make sure I went on a date with them, and then I got the feeling of accomplishment (read: relief) when I was able to cross that off my to-do list.

I've always been a list writer. When I start to worry or stress or feel overwhelmed, I write a list and seeing it laid out like that makes me feel better.

In fact, I'm happy to say that the closer I get to my move out day, the shorter my list has become.

Still kind of freaking out about it all though.

I think that's just par for the course.

So, yeah, I had me some dates.

And then I crossed that off my to-do list.

Phew.

Better

I had another date this weekend.

Not a repeat, but another new guy. (I know, right?)

After my last couple of "meh" dates, I wasn't expecting much but still had that frustrating nervous thing going on. We'd been messaging each other for a couple of weeks and he seemed nice so we decided to meet and go for a walk to the beach. (It's totally my comfort zone date, especially in nice weather.)

I liked him.

We got along and he was nice and we had a lot to talk about. It was, I think, the longest first date I've been on through the online thing. Usually I only last about an hour and a half before I'm tired and ready to go home.

I think we sat there talking about whatever for close to three hours and we probably would have kept going if it hadn't started getting chilly.

So it was good. Much better than my last two dates in terms of attraction and chemistry.

I'd like to see him again.

But I'm being cautious and not getting all...whatever about it, because you never know. Of all the guys I've gone on a date with from online, Chad's the only one where we dated more than once. (Ok, well, technically there was that guy who asked me out again a month later after he stopped seeing the girl he "chose" over me.) So I guess I'm used to not expecting to hear from the guy again because it seems to be easier for them to do that online.... or something.

But anyway, this isn't a wah wah post (like yesterday, whoops!) just... I went on a date, it was good, I'd like to go on another.

(And I'm trying not to get too excited, but of course we all know I am, but still.)

Pout

I have a case of the Mondays.

And this post is a grumpy one.

And if you tell me it shouldn't be, I'm going to cross my arms and make a frowny face and give you a mean look a la three year old.

Try me.

*glares*

I just wish that the weekend could last all week and I feel like having a tantrum about it because it's so. not. fair.

And why does it have to be getting dark at 7? And why isn't it light early in the morning anymore?

And why do I have to move when I just want to mellow out at my place?

And why won't anyone pay me not to work or pay me to do work that is more like not working?

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, moan, grump.

Boo!

Fen

Do you guys remember Fen?

I guess I never really followed through on telling you what happened with him, but it's been on my mind and I guess now's the mental time.

I just re-read this while I was thinking about writing this post and it broke my heart all over again.

Back in Spring, I got in email contact with Fen and after he returned from his time away, I sent him a link to the post I'd written about him.

He thanked me and said it had been great re-living those old times and some of the things he'd forgotten about. He said that we should catch up by phone or Skype and I gave him my numbers and told him I felt...awkward, like I wouldn't know what to say.

I think I thought for a while that we'd arrange to get together and that things would be amazing and we'd figure out how to make the distance thing work and then time passed and life went on and while I'll never close my heart or life to him, I think I was ok with feeling like there was some sort of closure.

I haven't heard from him and I guess that means our lives aren't meant to be together.

I do hope that if he ever travels over this way he'll contact me and we can meet and see each other and just... be.

So I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn't really have anything to add to the story. I heard from him and then I didn't and while my dreams and imagination would tell things differently, this is where things are.

I love him, I miss him, and I wish things were perfect.

It's OK

One of the other guys I was talking to and I exchanged cell phone numbers and he was going to text me a couple of weekends ago to meet.

And then he was going to text me last weekend to meet.

And then he was going to text me this weekend to meet.

I'm not terribly offended or anything that he hasn't texted to meet, as I said, I wasn't totally into meeting any of the guys I was talking to.

But add on to that this funny little story, and it's maybe best that we don't meet.

I went out for sushi with my Mom last week and she told me about how she and my Dad went out for dinner with their friends and met a new couple, friends of the friends kind of thing.

She went on to tell me that this nice lady told her that her son had just started on an online dating site and so my Mom told me to watch out for a fellow who did Job X on the site.

Er... Job X? I said. Could this fellow possibly have dark hair?

Well, yes, his Dad did.

Um, did this fellow also have an older brother and a nephew?

Yes, I think the nice lady told me about a grandson.

Ok, Mom, come to the computer here. *I bring up the website* Could this be that couple's son?

Oooh, he does kind of look like his Dad!

So, it's probably for the best that this guy and I don't end up meeting because it would be really weird to have to say... so... guess what, my Mom really likes your Mom!

Awkward!

Frustrating

Sometimes my desire to get into, or back into, a relationship I know will be self-destructive sneaks up on me.

Like right now.

Right now, I'm fighting the urge to contact Chad (because although I deleted him from my contacts, there is a draft text to him that will not not NOT delete from my phone....so I still have his number. I'm just ignoring it. And buying a new phone.) I want to contact him and make things work even though I can see where things weren't good and how things weren't good enough.

But even more than that, since seeing DD on the online site, I want to contact him and throw myself back into what I *know* would be a continuation of the unhealthy relationship we had.

I don't know what it is, but that something in me wants the pain and the darkness that was part and parcel of the intense connection we had and the good moments we shared.

And obviously, something in me hasn't moved on from him and what we had, even though the rest of me has and is very glad to have done so.

I'm not worried that I'll contact him, not really, but it's been somewhere between odd and interesting to watch myself wanting to dive into something I know isn't good.

Maybe this is my own personal version of the "bad boy" thing people are always talking about. It's not that I want to fix him, more like I want an excuse to be miserable. Maybe I want a focus for the anger and hurt seeing him has stirred up.

I hate that I may not have gotten over him.

I wish he'd moved away. I wish he didn't live here anymore.

Argh.

Allllrighty

So I went on another date.

Not with the guy I went on that last date with, but with another one.

We'd somehow gotten to chatting about breakfast and were talking online this weekend and he said, well, would you like to go for a late breakfast? So I figured at the worst I could have me some bacon, and I said yes.

I think he was maybe a little nervous, but aren't we all on these things? And he talked about his work which was interesting and it was fine.

Not bad, not great, kind of like the other date. I'm not really attracted to this guy either and I feel bad.

He was heading out of town that same day but he emailed me to say he'd enjoyed meeting me and would like to do it again.

I don't want to feel like I'm leading this guy on by seeing him again and I'm not sure seeing him again would change how I feel about him.

So now I've had two dates with two guys and both were fine and nice enough guys but I just didn't see myself wanting to kiss them.

Or maybe it's just that we didn't click.

But I feel bad and a little disappointed.

But I suppose I should, once again, be proud of myself for doing it and getting out there and meeting these guys when it's not exactly in my comfort zone, and is certainly not something I would have dreamed of doing when I first started this blog.

So at least we know I'm changing for the better, right?

Small Talk

Summer decided to show up last week, and I know a lot of North America already had a scorcher, this is the first time I've felt warm. Well, no, "warm" is not right; this is the first time I've been uncomfortable in the heat.

I think it's the hottest I ever remember being at work (our bat cave is usually quite bat-like and cold) and the time I spent outside this week and weekend, I couldn't find an outfit that didn't have me sweating.

Saturday night was the first time since last year I slept with just a sheet and my bedroom door open in hopes it'd make some sort of a breeze.

C-Dawg and I went for a run after work last week and we knew better than to run in the full sun, even though it was evening. But still, two rounds of the trail in the shade and we had to stop. I was legitimately over-heated. As in, you could put your hand next to my face and feel the heat hot.

Cold showers have been taken, and not for sexual reasons. (I wish for sexual reasons!) But just to cool down.

September's usually hot around here, it's true, I just thought it was interesting that this is the hottest it's been all summer...days before it officially ends.

I'm not complaining, I know it won't last and I'm loving the bright sunshine and the long(ish) days, it's just interesting that it took us until now to get real summer weather.

Big Loud Swear Word

I am pretty close to rantingly angry right now. I'm guessing that by the time this is posted, I won't be, but as of right now? This writing? I be mad.

I've known for a while now that my ex DD is on the dating site I frequent.

Now, at a certain point, the panic of seeing him on the site was nearly enough for me to delete my entire profile and not return, but then I got over it and never came across him again.

Until right now. When I get a message saying that "this guy would like to meet you" and I click on the link and it's him.

And I know I purposely chose a photo where you wouldn't necessarily know it's me at first glance, but seriously, you don't recognize me?

But that's not the part that has me fumingly mad.

(I mean, obviously my anger comes from whatever unfinished issues my brain/heart/who knows what has with him and our breakup but... anyway)

I looked over his profile and there are a couple of things that have me mad and wanting to be really really really mean.

"I'm an excellent lover"

Ok. I'm not saying he was bad, let's be fair, but buddy never seemed to care and/or notice that I wasn't having as good of a time as I could. So to say you're an excellent lover? Unless things have changed significantly over the past few years? Isn't true.

Plus it's seriously arrogant and I'm kind of pissed that I went out with a guy who'd openly make this statement (even as a joke) online.

"I do not use drugs."

Yes you effing do.

Again, unless things have changed in the past few years and you have become a very different person, you are not only not a "social" drinker, but you are very much a drug user.

Because marijuana counts as a drug.

And you used it regularly.

Without my knowledge at first, sure, but you can not say you are not a drug user because you are the biggest drug user I have ever known and your friends (as lovely as they may have been) not only used it but grew it.

So I don't know what makes me angrier. The fact that you won't seem to disappear from my life, or the inaccuracies/blatant lies you've put in your profile.

Because, yes, you are "charming" and I know you'll charm your way into someone else's pants/heart, I just wish you were more honest with yourself and your future girlfriend about what you do behind closed doors.

And I wish you'd admit to yourself that you have a problem.

And I hope that this anger and frustration I feel right now will go the bleep away, just like I'd like you to.

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

I went for a walk last weekend with a friend of mine who's also on the online dating sites.

And he was telling me about his friend's experience meeting a guy who lied on his profile and said he was six years younger than he actually is.

My friend told me that he knows everyone lies about themselves online but that six years was too big of a lie.

Wait, I said, I don't lie about myself on my profile. I mean, what's the point in me saying I'm older or younger or taller or shorter than I actually am? I am this age, this weight, this height and if that's a problem for you, jog on (as they say on Geordie Shore, which I am so totally not admitting to watching but if you want really really really good bad tv? That's it right there.)

Well, yeah, he says, everyone does. Like, take me for instance. I put that I love to play sports, but the last time I picked up a tennis racket was probably a year ago. And I put that I like to go camping, but I don't own any camping gear anymore.

Hmmm, I said. I guess if you call that lying, then yes, maybe we all do it but I don't see it quite the same way.

I mean, it's true that you like camping, you just haven't actually gone in a while, does that make it a lie, or does that make it you talking about what you like to do?

Is it putting your best self forward or is it fabricating a version of yourself that doesn't actually exist?

I don't know, I think some things are pretty obvious lies. Your age, your marital status, the amount you drink/smoke/do drugs.

But I'm not sure if talking about your interests even if you're not actively involved in them 24/7 means you're lying.

So far, I guess I've been lucky in that I haven't had to deal with someone having lied to me that I met online. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I met a guy and he confessed to me that he was six years older than his profile suggested.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable trusting him from that point on. And I'd wonder why he felt the need to adjust his age so significantly. (For the curious, this guy apparently said he'd changed his age because he was getting "too many" messages from women who were "too old". Hmmmmm...)

I guess people can lie to each other outside of the online dating world, but I wonder if it's more common in an arena where you can, essentially, be whoever you want, because there's no friend of a friend introducing you and vouching for you.

Discovery

Do you know what's a real turn off for me?

A guy who's into MMA or UFC or anything like that.

I can't even watch an ad for that kind of thing, it makes me sick to my stomach.

The absolute violence of them horrifies me, and I don't know if I could be with someone who enjoyed watching grown men beat each other bloody.

I realized this the other day when a guy I'd been talking to online, seemingly out of the blue asked me if I was a fan.

And my answer was no.

My truthful answer is what you see above, but I didn't feel the need to let him know just how much I'm not a fan.

He told me that he enjoyed it as a sport, but wasn't a violent person and didn't like to fight, and we chatted a bit after that but that was kind of the end of it.

It was a real turnoff for me and either he sensed that or he was looking for a girl who was more into the same things than I was.

What about you, what's an unexpected turnoff you've discovered in your dating adventures?

Things I'd Forgotten

One of the things I wanted to talk about when I was dating Chad, was how...nervous I was about the physical things.

We'd both established that we didn't want to get too physically intimate too early, but that wasn't even my concern. I was worried about the simple stuff.

Like, how do you kiss someone????

I mean, I *know* how to kiss someone, and I know it's not something I have to, like, practice on my hand or anything, it's not that. It's just that at about our third date, I realized I didn't know how to get to a first kiss.

Usually by that point in a new relationship, I would have done more than that and it probably would have involved a glass of something or other and things just would have happened.

But Chad and I were just hanging out and being very careful with each other and I couldn't figure out how we'd ever get from there to kissing.

I think, had things progressed, it would have just happened; we were sitting touching each other and holding hands on our last date. But it was the weirdest moment, lying there one night after a date and thinking "damn, I don't know how to know when to lean in or forward or any of that stuff."

In retrospect, maybe that was a sign that he was holding back, the fact that we hadn't already had that moment, or maybe that's just what it's like when you're taking things slow. I'm not sure.

But on top of that, there was the whole "what if my breath smells?" fear and the "what if I'm just a stinky person in general and I can't tell anymore?" train of thought that I'd forgotten comes with the whole kissing thing.

Or, the I wish we were kissing thing, as I guess the case was here.

I guess I'll just have to see how it all works out next time.

What I Did

When things went off with Chad and I, I kind of had that feeling that they weren't going to go back to where they'd been. And because I didn't want all my eggs in what was looking like a faulty basket, during the week he wasn't speaking to me, I went back on line and "un-hid" my profile.

My thinking was that if things went well, I would just re-hide my profile but if things didn't go well, at least I wouldn't feel like no one wanted to talk to me.

At first it was a little disheartening because sometimes you're on these sites and it seems like there's nothing. Or, to put it politely, no one you're interested in getting to know.

I got a little un-nerved by the sixty five year old man who added me to his favourites list, but I just removed myself from his list and moved on.

When Chad ended things, I got back on the metaphorical horse that very evening and sent a couple of messages to some new guys.

I think I really wanted to prove to myself that there was going to be someone again in the near future who WOULD want to be with me and I think I wanted to lessen the blow and the thoughts of "I'm not pretty/attractive/good/nice" enough.

I'm not sure it was the wisest thing, but I ended up going on a date that same weekend.

Well, I call these things "dates" but they're really just a blind-meeting-a-complete-stranger moment.

The guy was nice enough and I wish I had a single girlfriend I could set him up with, but I just wasn't interested.

I don't know if it was him or me just not feeling it or if it was me comparing him to the connection I had with Chad, but I didn't particularly want to see him again once we were finished our time together.

I'm not someone who thrives in these kinds of situations. I know for some people the whole experience of meeting a new person and talking to them and getting to know them is a really fun adventure. And for me, it's just something that I find tiring and something that I get nervous about and something I don't love doing.

Except meeting Chad for the first time was none of these things.

When I was finished meeting Chad, I felt giddy. Energized. I couldn't sleep.

The time had flown by and had been effortless and fun.

And, let's be honest, I was attracted to him. He was very attractive.

So I don't know what to do about meeting someone right now.

I've got three other guys I'm talking to and they'd all like to meet and I feel like I *should*, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not sure I find any of them attractive enough to be excited about, and our conversations have been nice via the messages we've sent back and forth but... they're all just missing that... something.

But, yeah, I did go on a date and I guess that's a good thing. I guess it's making it less scary the more I do it, right?

Sigh.

A Babbling

I struggled a bit this weekend with not wanting to get out there and enjoy what's left of the summer and I struggled with what can only be described as a foul mood.

Getting so close to having a relationship and then losing it is bringing me down.

It's not even about Chad himself anymore, but it's about the idea of him and the idea of what we might have had and it's about how great we got along.

I'm pretty wound up right now. Packing my place seems like it's never ending and people have already moved out of the building and I feel like maybe I'm doing it wrong. I don't know why, except that I've made the choice to use a moving company and I haven't seen anyone else doing that and it makes me feel like a wimp or something.

I just don't want to be that person who calls up their guy friends and says "hey, beer and pizza if you do all the work for me!" because I can't lift things. Even packing has messed with my back. So I want pros to do it for me and I guess I feel weird about that because... well, because I've never done it before.

And there's something weird about being surrounded by boxes of your things. And there's something even weirder about living with just the bare minimum and wondering just how many of those things you really don't need. And knowing that I'll be putting things into storage and then moving all over again is weird.

And then there's the sick that's trying to take over. I know my body gets run down under stress, so there's that. And then there's the dust. I swear, boxes make dust. And when my place feels like a disaster zone, I don't feel like sweeping or dusting, but dust makes me sick, and so I know I should keep things clean but.. it's like I can't be bothered.

So it feels like nothing's solid and that I don't know when things will be solid again. I don't have a move date yet and I don't know when I'll be moving back in and my brain doesn't work well with gray areas and unknowns and uncertainties so everything just feels... yuck.

And there are a lot of things that I want to ask my Dad to do. Dad, come over and help me move my tv. Dad, can you show me how to take my bed apart? Dad, can you figure out if this couch will fit through that door? But I can't ask him, can't ask him to do those kinds of things anymore. So I'm not really sure who to lean on here.

And everything with Chad this past month threw me off my exercise schedule. And I can tell. I haven't run in weeks and I haven't been to the gym probably since the day we met. And that's frustrating, but I'm also in that grumpy, lazy, busy mode that's hard to break out of.

It feels like so many changes have been forced upon me and I wish things with Chad had been perfect and good because it would have been so, so nice to have that distraction to look forward to. And maybe I could ask him to do some of those things I'd usually ask my Dad to do.

I feel like I need a rest. A vacation getaway, but it's also just the start of the changes and potential stresses to come. Add on to that the days getting shorter and me not taking care of myself and eating poorly and it's no surprise that I ended up less than happy this weekend.

I hope once a few more things fall into place or get taken care of (you should see my current to-do list) and I have less to worry about (utilities to cancel, moving company to book, packing to complete, not to mention the things I can't pack until the day I leave and then all the things I can't pack at all but still have to transport to my parents' place. ARGH!) I'll start feeling better and calmer.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, but there you go.

I'm struggling with what's going on and I'm wishing I had a happy relationship to keep me entertained through the struggles.

Bone To Pick

Dear September,

I have a bone to pick with you.

I know yesterday was your first day and everything, but did you have to make such a statement? I mean, the fog? The cold? The rain?

September, I had to put on a sweater! And have tea! Under a blanket!

And while we're on it, why are you making it darker earlier? That's hardly fair.

How about this? You can pick one.

You can either have colder weather OR earlier evenings. Not both.

Sound fair?

Cool.

So, yeah, how about you just lighten up on the whole "I am a bringer of Fall" thing, kay?

Kay.

Thanks,
Victoria (Who is heading out of town for the long weekend, see youse soon!)

Too! Many! Things!

Too many things.

On my mind in my brain needing to be done, sorted, thought through, completed.

It all just got really jumbled in there last night and I think that's maybe my fault for over booking myself for the day, but at the time it seemed like a good idea; get all the errands done at once. Get the hair cut and the massage and the doctor's appointment all in one day.

Perhaps adding the other three things in there wasn't the best of plans.

Because now there are too many things.

Too many things and it all feels panicky and I need to breathe but it's a long weekend coming up, and the only long weekend for... like, ever, so I feel like I should stuff even more things into the next few days but I also think my brain's already rather exploded and this hasn't helped and maybe I should just... chill.

Like, a lot.

Sorry. This post is non-nonsensical.

Is that even a word?

Too many things.

Also, I'm having issues with the whole Septemberness of things.

As in... what?

Not Happening

I keep wishing Chad would text. (Or call.)

That he'd text and either say "I've spent this week without you and I was wrong, I do think you're worth it and I'm going to get over my fear of being in a relationship again."

Or "Just checking to see if you're ok."

Because if he texts to see if I'm ok, I have the bitchiest answer ready in my mind and I kind of want to rip a shred off of him. (Not that I'm that type of girl or ever have been, but my mind likes to pretend I am. I'd probably either ignore the text, or tell him "it's not your concern anymore" or say "I'm fine. You take care." or something.)

Or if he felt he was wrong, I'd want to sit him down and tell him ALL the things about him that I didn't like and that made ME not sure I wanted to be in a relationship with him but that I was willing to spend time together and get into a relationship with him because even though I'M scared about opening myself up emotionally and being with someone again I was willing to do it with him despite his shortcomings and faults.

And then I'd make him chase me for a few days until we got back to how things were when we first met.

But apparently that's not going to happen.

(Despite the fact that my heart and stomach seem to think it's him every time my phone beeps with a text.)

Sigh.

Oh well. I guess I really am back to the single drawing board.

While It Lasted

So things didn't work out for Chad and I.

(Wait, who's Chad? Chad is the name I've just this minute decided to give that guy. Why "Chad" ? I don't know.)

We went on a date last week, our first date since things got . . .weird. I was super nervous for the date because while we'd been texting and had talked on the phone, I didn't know how it would be to be together again since we were both feeling somewhat reserved about things.

But I needn't have worried because once we met up, things were awesome. We really do get along great and the night was easy and fun and relaxing and uplifting all at once.

We went to a movie and we laughed before the movie started and we leaned up against each other in that way that makes your stomach flutter and he walked me home and we held hands and it just felt nice. Nice and good and right.

He came in and we talked for a while and when it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and said "we'll chat soon" and something felt off.

I know people say that you shouldn't overreact to things when guys say things like that because it just literally means we will chat soon, but this is the same guy who when we first met was asking at the end of one date if he could see me tomorrow. And this is the same guy who before he took a week to "think things over" was texting me multiple times a day to ask me things or find out how my day was going or to tell me he wishes he was cuddled up with me on my couch or to tell me that he thinks I'm smart and interesting and he's looking forward to spending more time with me.

So for him to say that we'd "chat soon" felt weird.

But I tried just to let it go and see what happened.

And what happened was that he was busy that weekend and his phone died while he was up Island and I know these things happen but I also know if you really want to contact someone and can't stop thinking about them, you find a way to say hi.

I asked him to call me the Monday of that weekend and he did and we had a great talk and sorted things out. He admitted that he sometimes goes M.I.A. and that he knows that's not fair and I said that if he needed to do that that was fine, just to let me know. Or just to check in and say hi. I told him I could tell he was kind of freaking out about being in a relationship again (he'd mentioned it in a previous conversation) and he said that yes, he was, but that it was something he was working through.

We made plans to see each other on Thursday, which was the first evening we both had free that week.

We chatted a bit via text throughout the week and then on Thursday I didn't hear from him until just about 6 o'clock.

I think I knew by then that things weren't going the way I'd want them to, but I still was surprised by the phone call.

To make a short story short, he told me that he's not ready to be in a relationship. Blah blah blah last girlfriend blah blah blah too soon, blah blah blah every time he thinks about getting back into a relationship it's just an awful feeling he just can't do it.

It's not about me, I'm awesome and he loves spending time with me, but he just can't do it.

To which I listened and said "uh huh" when appropriate, thanked him for being honest and wished him well.

And then I hung up the phone and cried.

I cried because I think we had a ton of potential together. It has been so so so long since I've clicked and connected with a guy so well. It was easy and fun and really really great hanging out with him and I was looking forward to spending more time with him and us getting to know each other and seeing which of his faults I was willing to overlook and which might be deal breakers in the long run.

So I cried over the loss of potential and the loss of a good, smart, fun, good looking guy.

And then I cried for a while over my insecurities.

I cried over "maybe I'll never find anyone" or "maybe no one will ever really love me" and "maybe that's the best I'll ever find and now I'll have to take something not as good."

And I cried a fair bit over the fact that no matter how nice a guy tries to be it always hurts to be rejected.

I understand the line "it's not you it's me" is supposed to be kind and empowering, but it's really not. Because the truth of it is, if I was the right girl for you, or if I was an amazing girl and you couldn't be without me? It wouldn't matter if you "didn't want to be in a relationship" or whatever other excuse guys use.

"It's not you, it's me" is only true to an extent. Because when you're with a woman you can't resist, you'll fight through blazing piles of shit to be with her. And you'll get over whatever issue or insecurity or problem you have.

So while I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me sooner rather than later, and I'm supposed to appreciate that he was honest and I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me rather than just disappearing, I'm still totally hurt and saddened and feeling pretty low.

And to be honest? I'm also pretty pissed.

I'm mad at myself for not just walking away when my guts and instinct told me things weren't going to work. I'm mad that I stuck around when really? If you have to THINK about if you want to be with me or not? You obviously don't. And I'm mad that the part of me that's strong didn't kick him to the curb then.

But I try not to be too mad at myself, because I do like that part of me that's hopeful and optimistic and that gives people the benefit of the doubt.

So I'm also mad at him.

Mad because I don't think it's fair to put yourself out on a dating site, and to start dating someone and start opening up to them if you've got that niggling feeling a relationship isn't something you're ready to handle. And I'm mad that he wasn't man enough to fight through it because, as I've said, I think we could have had something pretty great.

Or at least something fun and happy for a while.

And I'm also a little embarrassed.

I feel embarrassed that I told so many people. That I got so happy and excited about something that didn't amount to more than 5 dates and a few weird weeks.

I feel, somehow, stupid. And embarrassed.

I wish Chad and I could have stayed in what we had in those first few days for another couple of weeks.

I wish Chad and I hadn't had the weirdness that maybe I started, but that he certainly continued.

I wish, now that it's over, that we hadn't connected so well, because how am I supposed to meet someone new and not compare them to the wonderful, fun, friendly, easy, amazing connection we had.

And I think I wish I hadn't found him so attractive. Because now I feel like I've lost out and it's all too easy to fall back onto blaming myself.

But there you go.

I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but only some of it was. The worrying and wondering wasn't, although it did give me a lot to write about. I'd hoped that Chad would be around to be a cheering, happy distraction during the stress of my move and the stress that I think is going to be coming my way at work soon. And I had hoped that we could do things together and that I'd have a cuddle partner and, after a while, someone to share my bed with again.

I didn't tell you about this the day it happened because it was too raw (as some of my girlfriends can attest.) I stayed home for a day somewhere in there and didn't talk to anyone. No texts, no phone calls, barely an email, and that helped. It let me feel miserable and move through it.

Which I did and am now feeling better for.

It's been about five days now since he called me (right before our date, might I add) and the sting isn't quite as fierce. I'm still feeling a little embarrassed and I'm still sad and battling the mean thoughts, but I'm fine and I'm coping and sooner or later I'll feel good and happy again.

But there you go.

Don't really know how to end this post. I wish things hadn't turned out the way they have.

(Insert uplifting, inspirational thought here)

Not A Morning Person

I don't like waking up.

Now, I don't mean that morbidly, I just mean I don't like the actual process of having to stop sleeping and get out of bed.

I can, almost always, sleep longer. I used to, in fact, just sleep until I woke up (on non work days of course) but I find that now that means I can't fall asleep as well the next night which means I can't wake up as well the next day and so on and so on.

When I'm all curled up and cozy in my comfortable, lovely bed I can't see why I should have to leave.

So when you combine my comfortable dozy state and my tired sleepiness, I never enjoy the process of having to get out of bed.

It's easier, so much easier, when it's light out in the mornings. And I think it's easier when I've taken better care of myself during the day/week.

But, man, I wish mornings, and specifically the waking up and getting out of bed portion were easier or at least less painful for me.

Seriously.

You Guys?

I have to tell you something.

And please listen to me. I'm passing this on so no one makes the same mistake.

No matter how hot it is outside and in your apartment, and no matter how hungry you are do not, and I repeat, do NOT cook half naked.

Because if you do, something will splatter. And instead of splattering on your clothes or your sweats or your pjs, it will splatter onto your bare skin and my friends?

It will burn.

Yes, yes it will.

Which is why I'm sporting a nice blister between my breasteses this morning. Seriously.

So, moral of the story?

Cook clothed.

Always.

Ouch.

Instincts

I trust my instincts when it comes to my friends. But not when it comes to someone I'm newly dating, apparently.

See, I was sitting there this weekend thinking about one of my girlfriends and my instinct said "I want to give her a call and say hi, see how she's doing."

So I did.

I didn't bother over-thinking if I'd annoy her or interrupt her lunch or day, I just figured, if she was busy I could leave a message. So I called her, we had a good chat, and I hung up the phone smiling and feeling lighter, happier.

It was nice to trust that voice inside me that said "you want to do it, so do it."

I don't know quite how to trust that voice when it comes to dating someone.

Because that voice might say "text him, say hi, see how he's doing" but then the rest of me over-thinks.

"Well, you don't want to seem too eager."

"Maybe that'll annoy him, like you won't leave him alone. Maybe he needs space."

"He hasn't texted you since yesterday, maybe he doesn't want to see you anymore."

"He should contact you, not the other way round."

And things just get crazier from there.

When, if it had been a friend, I wouldn't have hesitated. But because it's someone I want to be involved with romantically, someone I don't know how they feel about me, I get myself all twisted up.

And that's not fair and it's not fun.

I guess I don't know how to trust my instincts when there's something to lose and when I don't already know the other person likes me. I already know my friends like me and I already know they're not going to abandon me over one text or phone call, but when it's someone new, that safety, that guarantee's not there and it's scary.

And scary's not fun.

Kaboom!

So my brain just exploded. . . sorry about the mess.

What with apartment stuff and work stuff and (I guess I can say it now) dating a new guy stuff, not to mention just plain old regular life stuff, I kind of feel overwhelmed.

Well, that's not quite accurate. I think after my Dad's illness and surgery, I may not ever feel that kind of overwhelmed again, so maybe I just feel anxious and under pressure.

I'm doing my best to find moments of calm and to tell myself to relax and breathe and that everything will just work out. But when those zen moments get over taken by the panicky moments? Not so much fun.

So yeah, it's a little bit of the not finding the time to post again (man this has been a weird month), so I'll do my best but if it's a little slow around here for a few days or whatever, you know why.

I'm cleaning up my exploded brain mess is why!

Re-Start

Ok, let's just pretend the last couple of weeks of blogging didn't happen shall we?

Great.

Now that we've all erased our collective memories, allow me to begin again.







Hey you guys, guess what?

I met a guy and he seems nice and we've hung out a few times.

Ta da!








(There, that was easier, wasn't it?)

The Fan Has Been Hit

See, this is why I don't usually blog something the moment it happens (unlike what I did last week, ahem.)

I got some really shocking news about five days ago and now I'm so much calmer than when it happened.

They're doing some repairs to the building I live in and they've discovered things are more serious than initially thought, so it won't be safe for tenants to be here (apparently it's not cool to have people living in a building that will have no heat, hot water or electricity. Go figure!) so they've given us all just over two months notice that we have to leave.

I was completely not expecting this when the knock came on my door and I was floored.

There were tears. Lots of them.

And panic.

Much of it.

But now I've had a few days to think (and panic and cry some more) and I'm ok.

I don't have a solid plan yet, but I have some... back up plans that will work if nothing else does.

Including the possibility of needing to stay with my parents for a few months.

Imagine the excellent blogging that will make, my friends! (No, I tease, my parents are wonderful. Just doesn't leave much room for late night make out sessions does it. Not that that's happening. Or will be happening. I'm just saying. Ahem.)

So, yeah. That's on my mind. But I'm trying not to freak out. Or at least not too much.

But I spent this weekend sorting and packing and getting rid of things and that's helped.

After the initial shock, I put the word out to my friends and their response assured me that something will work out and whatever it is, it'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

So, yeah, how was your weekend?

Crazier than mine?

Long Story Short

He called, we talked, we're going to continue to spend time with each other.

I'm relieved. And smiling.

But very very cautious.

Well

It's D Day I guess.

Or D Weekend maybe.

I don't know. I just know that today is when I'm expecting to hear from him and I woke up this morning and I was as calm as I've been all week.

Maybe it's because I don't have to wait anymore and I know that I'll know one way or another soon.

Or maybe it's because while I still care, I don't capital C Care. It'll be ok if it doesn't work out.

It would have been less ok a week ago if it hadn't worked out.

Which, really, shouldn't make a difference, but as I said, it has.

I mean, yes, I want the opportunity to get to know each other. I hope he does too. I know I want it to go well, but it's also pretty much out of my hands and if it's meant to be it'll be.

So, I'm going to try to get through today as calmly and peacefully as possible.

Hope you will too. Happy Saturday.

Thoughts

This week has been an interesting one for me for sure.

I've gone through every possible thought, feeling and emotion and have been able to pay attention to what I was thinking and why in that detached way they're always telling you to do.

Had this guy and I spoken earlier in the week I would have still been in my ranty phase, but now I'm in a place where I've collected my thoughts and I know what I think and feel and I'm proud of myself for that.

I'm not a good fighter. I'm not even a good discusser. If you call me out on something, I freeze, my thoughts go into panic mode and I can't think clearly. As you've witnessed this week, when something throws a curve ball at me I tend to panic and it takes me a bit to calm down.

So while I hope to hear from this guy this weekend, I won't die if I don't. And while I hope, if I hear from him, that what he's thinking is reasonable and close to what I'm thinking, I'm not hanging my hopes on it.

As many of you said, I've managed to sort of mentally move on.

That doesn't mean I don't hope for a positive outcome, but I'm not invested in it. I'd be disappointed, sure, but it'll be ok.

And if things go well and we both decide to keep hanging out, I won't be going into it as blindly as I was before. Which is also good.

And I do know that my reactions to this situation were about me and that I need to keep sorting through why, exactly, I felt that way (although I suspect I pretty much know why) and how I would handle things differently.

Because if this doesn't work out with this guy, there'll have to be another one eventually (right?) and I can learn from whatever I can and...well, yeah.

So, sorry that you got the brunt of my rantings and insecurities and hurt and upset. Well, no, I'm not sorry, exactly, because that's what can be helpful about having a blog.

I think just sometimes after I'd put up a post I felt like I'd put too much out there, like maybe I'd want to take it all back down.

Which, I suppose I still can, but yeah. It's been a while since I've been that honestly vulnerable and raw and just put it out here like that without taking time to process and chill. It felt...weird somehow. I think maybe because I felt like I was airing dirty laundry and that if I was him and found this blog I wouldn't be impressed that the whole world knew all this before I did.

Smith is the only boyfriend I've had that I told about this blog and so I've been re-reading some of the posts from when we first met and when we split up. I noticed in one that I said I wasn't sure I wanted to write about a relationship again because it was too hard when it ended.

But, now I'm just babbling again really. About a relationship that isn't and may never be. But still....it's an interesting thought to be having again. What do I feel about talking about a private thing in public when there's someone else involved? Mixed.

I feel like I've said too much this past week...

So, yeah. There's where I'm at now. Calmer, feeling wiser, would like a positive outcome, but am not really sure it'll happen.

How's your week been?


P.S. Today is world photography day. Go take a picture!

With Love

This situation and this waiting time has shown me, yet again, how wonderful my girlfriends are.

I have three girlfriends that I turn to every time something comes up in my romantic life (and, in my other life too, to be honest) and I know I can trust them to be supportive, but also neutral.

What I mean by that is that they're not afraid to point out to me if I'm being silly or if I've missed something or if I have my blinders on. And so when I turned to them to say here's what's gone on and what's going on with this guy I wasn't sure what they'd say but I wanted to hear it.

If they'd told me that I was being unreasonable and weird, I would have listened. If they'd told me that he was being unreasonable and weird, I would have listened. I know and trust that while they have my best interests at heart, they won't just tell me what I want to hear, and I value that so much.

It's been a surprise to me to hear all three of them tell me the same things with regards to the situation, and the advice they've given me has been simple, straightforward, and honest. They too, like me, are cautiously hopeful that things will work out because "it sounds like it has potential." Which I think it does.

I am so grateful to have these smart, sensible, intelligent, awesome women to turn to when my head and my heart get a little bit muddled. And it's been wonderful to hear them all say what I've been thinking, even if I haven't been able to find the words myself.

Thanks ladies. You're awesome and I love you.





(And you guys too, as always, have been awesome and supportive and smart and sensible. You rock!)

More Babble

I feel like I could write a post an hour right now; my feelings and thoughts are so changeable and strong.

Which is great in some ways because hello, no writer's block! Um, yay?

I'm willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe. If, when we do get to talk, he has something reasonable and realistic to say? He'll be at strike one and a half. Or maybe two. I'm wary now.

As I said early on, my feelings as I'm sitting here trying to be patient and understanding while I wait vary and switch.

It seems that as the day goes on, I get angrier. I was at the gym yesterday wanting to blow off some steam but by the time I was done my stretching I was more frustrated with the situation than when I went in. So here are my angrier babbles...

I think we both know we had a good basis to build off of, and who wouldn't want to pursue that? Maybe he's not as ready for a relationship as he thought? And how is that fair to me?

I don't know much about this guy as a potential relationship partner other than the fact that he's funny and attractive and we have a lot in common. I don't know if he's gentle or kind or thoughtful or strong or supportive or loving, I don't know that yet, but I was willing to find out. And, most of the time, am still willing to find out.

If I wasn't interested in him? I wouldn't care and would have told him not to contact me and good luck.

I think also what's frustrating me is that I *am* waiting. This hasn't been the busiest of weeks for me (and I'm not complaining at all about that) but it means that I haven't had a whole lot else going on to distract me. As a few of you have said, in this kind of situation, the best thing to do is put it away and move on, and in some ways I'm annoyed at myself for lingering. But I'm still in that "just in case" sort of mode. Which, if things don't go positively, will annoy and irritate me even more I'm sure.

So now that I've babbled out one of my more frustrated thoughts, I'm going to go and try to get back to the place that's an easier one to wait in. That place of peace and calm that it is meant to be and will work itself out.

That quiet hopeful place I know will be right one day about someone.

Because I don't know what he's thinking and although I've certainly imagined a thousand things he might be thinking, I don't know and I can't know and I won't know until I hear from him. Which... I hope I do.

This May Be The Most Obvious Statement Of The Year

But I don't understand people who are not me.

I mean, I do, to a certain extent. I can see others' perspectives and understand their point of view. I am able to think outside of myself and try to see both sides of the story.

But I don't understand why they don't then do what would make the most sense to do. . . which is whatever I think would make the most sense to do (of course.)

So I don't, obviously, understand why this guy can't say... something! Sure, I'm someone who needs space sometimes, but by "space", I'm talking a day or two. I mean, how long do other people take to think things over?

And as I've said before, my guess is that he's thought things over and that he probably just doesn't want to deal with having to deliver bad news.

But, again, I don't understand people who are not me, because if I was having to deliver bad news, (like the time that very nice guy I wasn't attracted to asked me if I'd ever want to be more than friends,) I'd want it off my chest sooner rather than later.

And if he has some noble idea of waiting to talk to me until he can deliver said bad news face to face, I'm not sure I understand that either.

I mean, it's not as if we've done more than go on a couple of dates. If we'd been together for six months and he wanted to move on, I'd want to have that conversation done face to face, but to be dumped by a guy who took longer to tell me than the amount of actual time we'd been together? Not sure I understand that.

But as I say. I don't understand people who are not me.

Tick Tock

It's so very strange to be waiting.

It's strange because I'm that person who leaps. I'm that person who leaps (with a mixture of whole heartedly yet reservedly) into something once I've decided there's enough of a base to go building off of.

And this is such a strange place to be waiting in. To have seen potential and been willing to leap towards it, risking hurt, but to wonder, genuinely, what the other person is thinking.

Because for me, I want to be done with it one way or another. If I meet someone and it's good, I just want to get going and be together. And if I meet someone and it's not good, or if it turns not good and I can tell he wants out, I just want him to be done with it, to let me know and be gone.

What I feel this has come down to is my heart-on-my-sleeve emotional self and his being gun shy from whatever emotional drama came with his last relationship. He was clear that he wasn't looking for drama and that's where I get stuck.

Am I drama? I can't answer that honestly. I really don't know.

I haven't dated girls so I don't know what's average or normal, but I do know that I'd rather, were I one to date girls, be with someone who didn't hide their feelings because I think when you hide your feelings they tend to come sneaking up on you and explode much worse than if you'd just been open with them in the first place.

I've realized, through this, that I want a strong man. One who is able to hear me say "I'm feeling insecure about things" and who'll be able to say "Hey, Victoria? I like you, I'm interested in you, you don't need to be insecure." and who'll mean it. And one who will support me when said insecurities or fears or worries pop up rather than, I don't know, freaking out or feeling like it's a big pile of shit he has to take on and wade through and deal with?

I don't know, because for me an intimate romantic relationship (as opposed to an intimate friendship like I'm lucky enough to have with some of my closest girlfriends) is one where you can both share your deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, insecurities, and hopes and you're both there for each other. You support each other and you talk things through and you listen without judging.

Easier said than done for sure and I know we all tend to take things personally. C-Dawg and I have even struggled recently with her getting into a new relationship and that bringing up my insecurities and hurts around being single.

And when I told her how I was feeling, she was hurt too, hurt that I wasn't just freely able to be happy for her in her happiness.

And my reaction through that? Was that she would leave me and not want to be my friend anymore. (The old insecurities that are hard to get rid of and come back when you're at your most raw.) But she told me that we would always be best friends and would always be close and that she wasn't going anywhere and that it might be rough for both of us right now but that I was too important to her to lose.

And that's what I'm looking for in a man.

Someone who'll say "I understand what you're feeling and I like (or love) you anyway and am not going anywhere."

And, sure, that's WAY too much to ask when you've just met someone, but when I initially asked this guy (who is only going to get a blog nickname if he sticks around) about his online dating intentions, he assured me that I was the only one he was interested in. And I just wanted to see him, and for us to reassure ourselves of what we'd started to see and build in the previous few days. And his reaction to *my* reaction when he said he was choosing not to see me that night was not what I expected.

And I took it all on me. *I* must have been acting crazy. I must have thrown him off. I must have ruined everything by being so stupidly insane and why couldn't I just have let it go?

But one of the blessings of this blog is that when I share something that's painful or difficult or that hurt me I get people, different people from all over, telling me that that's exactly how they felt too and that they understood and that they were relieved it wasn't just them.

So that makes me think that maybe I'm not that crazy. That maybe I'm more like everyone else than I know but that I'm just more used to putting it out there than I used to be.

I've felt defensive while I've been waiting. Like I have to prove to him that I'm not too much to handle, that I'm not as "crazy" as his ex, but "what do I know?" is the thought that always echoes in my mind. Maybe I'm 1000 times more difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy's not cut out for that.

But then there's the voice that whispers, maybe you're 1000 times LESS difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy just doesn't know it yet.

I don't know, but I would like to find out. I would like the opportunity to find out.

My guess is that his mind is made up already because mine would be if I were him. I can't see anything good from him having this much time to himself to think and ponder and consider. We all know how well that goes for over-thinkers like me, and this guy's an admitted over-thinker.

I don't like this waiting, but my guess is that if I push him to give me an answer it's going to be a negative one, but if I let him sit with it, it's only probably going to be a negative one.

I can't decide if I appreciate or pity the part of me that's sitting, happy and hopeful, believing that he's already seen that I'm worth putting himself out for. That part of me that believes this is going to work out. I guess I keep hoping that part of me is right, but wanting to protect it too in case it isn't.

Sigh.

This waiting, quite frankly, sucks.

I Love Funny People

This cracked me up!


Kittywood Studios: Cat Videos Incorporated

Undone

I was smitten, I tell you, but whatever had felt off the night I looked at his profile was hovering in the back of my head.

When I got home on Friday, he'd emailed me asking when I'd be home and I let him know that I'd just arrived. He had dinner plans, but thought he'd be home by nine or so.

I was utterly exhausted. Could have fallen asleep right then and there. I hadn't slept much the first few giddy days and the travelling had right done me in. But I so wanted to see him, I lay on my couch staying awake, looking forward to smoothing out the bump in the road I'd had.

He didn't text at nine, but I didn't worry too much, but that thing that was hovering in the back of my head snatched onto this fact and ate away at my calm.

By the time he did text it was close to ten and his plans had gone later than he'd thought and he was thinking of just heading to bed.

"Ok," I texted. Furious that I'd waited up (I get irrationally frustrated with myself when I expect or assume people will make plans with me and I get all ready and then they don't end up making those plans) and disappointed that I wouldn't get to see him and maybe have that cuddle on my couch he'd mentioned a couple of days ago, and hurt that he didn't want to see me when he knew we wouldn't see each other for a week or so.

He'd been very clear that he wanted me to be open and honest with him and to communicate with him what I was thinking and feeling so after a breath, I texted him back and let him know that I wasn't feeling great about things and had wanted to see him.

A couple of texts were exchanged back and forth and when he told me he was going to bed, I knew I'd pushed things too far.

I could tell that my reaction had somehow made him think of his ex, and that he was most likely sitting there thinking that as nice as I might have been, I was under it all, completely crazy and therefore so not worth the effort.

I tried to sleep that night, but everything in me told me that things were falling apart. That'd I'd pushed things to a place where there was no repair or going back to what might have been. So instead of lying there not sleeping, I composed my thoughts and sent him an email.

Did it feel like the right thing to do at the time? Absolutely.

Would I do it again? I'm not sure.

I tried, in my email, to let him know that I could tell he wasn't comfortable with my reactions over the past two days but that I wasn't crazy or overly dramatic. I explained that I'd had a draining few days and that yes I had my ups and downs like anyone else, but that in the end, I was a happy person.

I think, really, I was just trying to say "listen, I know you got hurt in your last relationship by an overly dramatic person and that's not me."

He got back to me late the next day telling me that yes he was worried and that while he was away, could we just take time to think and see where we were at.

It was mildly, and friendly put, but it still stung.

I didn't know what to do with myself, but I do know there were tears.

Tears, I suppose of frustration. Frustration that I feel like I'm getting the flak from his past. Frustration that I let myself hope and be excited and that things looked, once again, like they weren't going to work out. And frustration over feeling trapped.

I think we're all crazy to some extent. And "crazy" is not the word to use. I think we all have our issues and insecurities.

So when you ask someone to be both open and honest with you, but you let them know that you can't handle drama even if that makes you selfish, it puts that person in an awkward spot.

Did I say too much? Should I have kept some of those thoughts to myself? If I did, was that making me someone who was hiding things and not being honest?

Am I a lot of drama? Am I? I don't think so, but I have no idea where I lay on the drama/issues scale.

Let's say I'm a five and this guy's looking for someone who's a three. Or let's say I'm a five and he's looking for a six or less but I'm appearing to be a ten.

I understand that he wants some time to absorb and think about what's happened and where he's at, but as someone who overthinks things, I know pretty much where that's going to end up.

If he's at all like me, he'll be thinking himself into walking away before he gets any further into this. He'll be thinking himself into trying again to find someone more stable, more easy going, more...confident? He'll maybe convince himself that I'm all the bad things he didn't want, and I guess I'm already seeing that as a foregone conclusion.

I texted him a few days ago, something friendly and neutral, to try to remind him of the fun exchanges we had over the first few days but I didn't hear back from him, which makes me feel like a crazy stalker who ignored his wish for us to "just take the week to see where things lie."

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation here and that it's not even really my fault.

Sure, there's still a part of me that hopes that since I can't read minds, he might not be thinking any of these things and that when he gets some space he'll think that this is something he's willing to see where it goes, but I'm trying not to get too caught up in that thought.

I'm trying to get myself to a point that if he tries to let me down gently, I can move away and not be as hurt as I think I will be.

It's hard to have things out of my hands, and that's the scary part about going into a relationship.

When things went kind of sideways there, my first reaction was "screw this, I am never ever attempting to be in a relationship again, this is SO not worth it." But after a few days I calmed down a bit and now it's just a bit of a bumpy ride waiting to hear from him once he's free again.

(And, yes, before you ask, he is legitimately busy. Yes, he could call or text or email, but I'm respecting that he wants/needs some space.)

The points I seem to vacillate between now are: 1)This is over and I'm upset, sad and disappointed by that because I really liked him and thought we had great potential. 2)I'm ok with things, because if it's meant to be it's meant to be. 3) I can't wait to see him again because I know that if we could just sit down and talk this all through and just be together, it'll be as good as it ever was and it'll all just fall back into place and sort itself out.

I guess we'll find out sooner or later one way or another, eh?

It's hard to wait and not know what someone else is thinking, especially when you have feelings and hope on the line. It's hard when you don't know someone and you find yourself guessing what they might be thinking. I forgot how liking someone makes me question myself. I guess I'd hoped that this was a relationship where I could re-learn and un-do old, bad habits and thinkings...

But there you go, there's the story. I wish I had better news or a different twist, but that's where I'm at with whatever this is going to be or not be.

If you want to send me a hug or good thoughts, I'll happily take them.

Sigh

You probably haven't noticed it because you're not me, but I usually wait a bit before I tell you about meeting someone.

I guess I usually like to give it some breathing space to see which way it's going to go. I mean, there's no point in telling you "I had a date today!" when by the time the post is half a day old, I might have gotten a message letting me know there wouldn't be a second date.

Plus, sometimes I already have other things ready to post and while I may write about something the day it happens, it might not get posted for a few days. And sometimes I just want to keep something to myself for a bit, mull it over, before putting it out there.

I also usually don't tell too many people when I've met someone from online because, generally things haven't worked out for me and I try to stay cautiously optimistic and wait and see.

But there was something about meeting this guy and how well it had gone and was going that made me want to shout it to the world!

Well, ok, maybe not the world, but I certainly wanted to tell you about it and it was so ironically wonderful that the fact that all my spare evening time was with *him* that I didn't have the time to tell you about him.

I mentioned him to a couple of friends too, just casually. And, unusually, I mentioned it to my folks. I guess I wanted to share my happy with them since they're still in a long haul of recovery right now.

So while I was away, a colleague asked me to show them his profile and so I logged on to the site and showed her.

And I noticed that he'd added a few more photos to his profile and my heart sunk.

My heart sunk because there's still that part of me that's insecure. And we all know that that insecure part likes to rear its ugly head whenever it can.

So my thought was "Damnit, he says he likes me, but he must be still looking for other girls."

And I tried to logic it through. I mean, we'd hung out a few times, been on three dates, met four days ago, what did I expect? Normal people date a few people at a time until they're ready to be exclusive, don't they?

But the twinkle had gone out of my eyes. I was scared that my fears of letting myself get too excited for something that wasn't going to last were coming true.

I emailed C-Dawg, she's a few months into a relationship with a guy she met online and I know she went through some insecurities at the start. "He's putting up new pictures! Why?" I babbled. And she told me to just ask him.

So I did. And he assured me that I was the only person he was interested in and that it was still early but that he'd be happy to take the pictures back down if I wanted him to.

I thanked him for his reassurance and told him that it was his call, but you guys? I was already starting to feel a little bit anxious. So I was really looking forward to seeing him again before our week apart and looking him in the eyes and knowing that we both wanted to build some trust with each other.

Tuesday

This was my third giddy day in a row.

For the last two days, as soon as my alarm went off I couldn't fall back asleep. As soon as my brain woke up, a smile was on my face and my stomach would be all butterflies. Add that on to two nights of being unable to sleep due to happy excited thoughts and I was the happiest tired person in the world.

I'd taken the day off work to help C-Dawg with her unpacking and this guy and I sent texts back and forth all day. Every time my phone would buzz, C-Dawg would tease me and I'd jump up all happy to read his text, smile and answer back. Our texts continued to be funny and sweet and interesting and at one point, C-Dawg's Dad smiled at me and said "let the poor boy work already!" It was pretty cute.

I was pretty exhausted at the end of the day but I knew I was going away for work in a couple of days and that the two of us wouldn't be able to see each other at all during the next week, so when he texted to ask if I was just going to crash on my couch, I told him no, I'd really like to see him, just something mellow. We figured out that we'd go for a walk and he told me that he just wanted to see me and talk some more and that it didn't really matter to him where we went.

Awwwww.

Well, double aww actually, because that's exactly what I'd been thinking. So later that evening, we met up and went for a walk down to the water.

We sat there and talked until it got cold and then we talked some more. We both talked about things we wanted the other to hear before we went any further and I told him that I tended to rush physically into my relationships and that I didn't want to do that this time, but that being in that place I didn't know how to...date, really. I explained that I usually just met a guy and got physically intimate with him right away and so I wasn't sure how to build a relationship from scratch. He told me a few things I'm slightly wary of, but while the evening was a lot of heavy conversation, it was still really really nice.

We both talked about how easy and relaxing it was to be with each other and I kept thinking to myself that this thing has a lot of potential.

It had been the happiest three days, and the best start to any relationship I'd ever had.

Not that it was necessarily the start of a relationship, I had to remind myself, but... it was good, had me happy, I started to think of what it might be like to do things with this guy, to hang out more and more, and I liked the idea of it.

A lot.

I was cautiously optimistic. I liked this guy, quite a lot. We were happy and easy and relaxed together. We had a lot in common and a seemingly endless amount of things to talk about. We were both interested in each other and seeing where things went and I was willing to start letting my guard down and seeing where I could end up.

Cautious. But optimistic for sure.

The Next Day

The next day was moving day for C-Dawg, and when I talked to her in the morning she gave me very specific instructions: "If there's any chance of you seeing this guy this morning, don't you dare rush over here!" So when I got a text from him a few minutes later asking how I'd slept, I figured she wouldn't mind if I took a few hours out of moving day to hang out with him again.

We arranged to meet and go down to the BC day celebrations downtown. (There's a lot goes on in this town over the August long weekend) I was nervous and excited to see him, but I wasn't worried.

The night before had been so...easy. That's the only way I can describe it. It was easy and fun and relaxed and we'd laughed a lot and had so much to talk about, my nervousness wasn't from worry that it would be awkward, it was from excitement to see him again and wondering what on earth I would wear and would he still think I was cute in the daylight?

We walked around and looked at the exhibits and listened to some music and the only thing that was a little uncomfortable with me was knowing how close to sit with him. I didn't want to be too touchy feely, but I didn't want to be too distant either. So instead of worrying too much about it, I just sat and didn't care.

After a while we left the music place and sat to watch a show, and there we just talked and talked. He told me about his past relationship and what hadn't gone well there, and we talked a bit about our families and what we did for work and we talked about why we were both on the dating site and how it'd gone for us.

I'd told him that I had to go help C-Dawg move and it was a bummer when it came to be that time. I didn't want to leave, just wanted to stay and hang out and talk some more. It was that relaxing. And nice. It was really good.

But we headed out and exchanged a nice hug when we got to my place with a promise to see each other again soon.

I headed over to C-Dawg where the hired helpers had done the heavy work and both she and her parents started teasing me for the huge grin I had on my face.

And then continued to tease me as this guy and I texted back and forth for most of the rest of the day.

I think what I said to C-Dawg that day was that I really liked this guy. I liked him but I was nervous.

I didn't want to get too excited about something and end up disappointed.

I'd met too many guys online who then proceeded to not want to hang out another time and while this was different, I still didn't want to build it up too much and end up disappointed.

But by the end of that day, we'd both let each other know that we'd enjoyed our time together and were really looking forward to seeing each other again. It was really nice.

Where There Were Fireworks

We start walking down towards the inner harbour and right off the bat it's easy. It's easy and light and we're both laughing.

It's somehow so comfortable, maybe because I didn't have enough time to get overly nervous. Maybe because his texts had already made me smile and laugh. Maybe because I knew even if we didn't hit it off there were at least some good looking single guys still out there.

(Man, I sound like I'm harping on his looks, don't I? But it really was such a pleasant surprise.)

I don't even know what songs they played. I remember half listening to a bar here or there and thinking "I know this song" but we just talked about this that and the other and we laughed.

You guys, we laughed so much.

I feel like everything he said was just so funny. And when we were giggling so much and a lady in front of us turned around to give us a "look", his response was so funny and so totally what I'd do with C-Dawg or someone who was already a best friend, I laughed even louder.

It was really nice.

And when the symphony started playing Amazing Grace after the closing fireworks, I kind of had to remind myself that I didn't know this guy and couldn't just lean up against him like I wanted to.

Which is a good thing to have to remind yourself.

We walked around a bit after and the conversation was ceaseless. Big things, little things, we talked about it all. And I swear we hung out for hours and hours, but when we did eventually head on our ways home, back where we'd first met, I looked at my watch and it'd only been an hour and a half.

I couldn't stop smiling the whole way home.

"I met a guy" I texted C-Dawg. "Why aren't you awake? I need to talk to you. I'm giddy."

And when he texted me goodnight, I knew I wouldn't sleep.

But I tried. And as I lay in bed that night, trying to get the giddiness to settle down and let me sleep, I kept thinking of this funny thing he'd said, or that conversation we had and I was really really happy and excited and....just, everything.

I wanted to fire up the computer and announce that I'd met someone, but I've been down this road before.

I've been excited about a guy from online only to have him slip away and while I'd never been *this* excited about a guy before, I still didn't want to jump the guns and say anything before there was anything to say anything about.

So I just lay there smiling in the dark, so very happy with how the day had turned out.

A Week Ago

I don't really remember what C-Dawg and I did all Sunday day, the big stuff wasn't being done until Monday, but we'd planned on catching the second half of the Splash. We must have tired ourselves out though because by the time we'd eaten, Symphony Splash had started and we were both pretty pooped.

C-Dawg wanted some quality time on her couch so I headed home and realized I didn't have anyone to go with after all. (I'd told the guy that I had plans to go with my Mom but she couldn't go so I thought I could go with C-Dawg and maybe the guy could meet up with us, but now she wasn't going and I didn't know if I wanted to go by myself after all that.)

I sat on my couch and listened to snippets of the symphony through my window (I live near enough downtown to do that) and then started getting ready to head down to catch the second half when I heard them stopping the playing for intermission.

As I was heading out the door, the potentially cute and funny text writing guy texted me to ask if I'd enjoyed the show with my Mom.

I told him that, no, she actually hadn't come but that I thought I might head down for the end.

"Could I maybe join you?" he texted. And my heart flitter fluttered.

Meet him? Did I want to meet him? Yes! Did I have time to worry and get nervous? Yes! But not much. Turns out he was two blocks away from where I was so I headed to where he was.

"I'm wearing a black hoodie," I said. "Like a ninja." I'm nothing if not funny in my head.

"I'm wearing a grey one," he said. "Like a....?"

And I turned the corner and there was a grey hoodie wearing guy standing down the block.

And you guys?

He was cuter than I'd hoped.

He was super cute. Really.

A good start.

And then we started walking down to the show.

Ok

Breathe.

No, not you, me. I mean, you should still breathe. But so should I.

Oh man, I'm already not making sense and this story is SO going to drag out over a few days worth of telling and I don't even know...

Alright, let's back up a minute here.

(Beep, beep, beep!) (it's the backing up noise y'all)

So it's last Sunday, no, wait, I have to back up even more, damnit! Sorry

(*shoulder checks* beeeeeeep beep beep)

So it's a couple of weeks ago and I've been chatting with a few guys here and there on the online dating site.

There's a guy who looks like he could be cute and we've had a couple of good email exchanges and I'm nervous but excited about the idea of meeting him that weekend and? He disappears.

Just randomly up and closed his account with no notice or sign off or anything.

I was pretty disappointed and a little sad, but, more often than not I've been brushed off by guys online so I kind of shrugged it off.

So imagine my raised eyebrow of surprise when he showed up a few days later online again.

He explained that he'd had reasons to change his profile name (the name he'd chosen was getting him flak) and then life had gotten busy and he was sorry he'd disappeared on me. Was I still interested in meeting?

Was I?

I thought about it and while C-Dawg's initial instinct was that something fishy was up, I didn't get that read and thought that, yes, I'd been interested enough when we first started talking to consider meeting him.

He was gentle in his approach (some guys are pushy; "Hey! Call me! Let's meet! Now!) and we exchanged cell numbers and a thought that we might meet over the long weekend. (Oh long weekends, how I love you so.)

He sent me a text on Saturday and you guys? I laughed out loud when I got it.

It was funny. But not like "hey I'm obnoxious and a stand up comedian" funny, just... funny. Like, cute funny. Does that make sense? His text was cute and made me laugh and smile.

We texted back and forth a few times Saturday night, just a few messages continuing our email conversations from the site and he suggested we could maybe head down to Symphony Splash together or something in the next couple of days if that worked for me.

I smiled a lot that night. He was funny and nice and was interested in meeting me. I mean, who doesn't smile with positive attention from an attractive man? (Or woman, if that's your thing.)

But as I went to bed that night I reminded myself that if I did end up meeting him, he probably wouldn't be as cute as his picture suggested he was. I mean, the truth is that people never really look like the pictures they put up on their profiles and to be honest, I'm usually just a little bit disappointed.

I even wrote it in my diary that night (yes, I keep a diary, stop laughing) "if I do end up meeting him, I don't want to be disappointed by how he looks, but I think I might be. Probably. Maybe."

(Yes, I did just let you read my diary. You're welcome.)

I mean, I thought he looked cute, but I've thought that before and then met the guy and gone "oh" and so I didn't want to expect something and be disappointed because that can kind of throw things off, so I was expecting him to be cute enough. Average-ish. (While still secretly hoping he was cute)

So, yeah, I went to bed Saturday night, smiling from a series of cute texts from a guy I thought might be cute and that I thought I might meet.

And then I woke up Sunday morning and went and helped C-Dawg start her move.

Oh You Guys

Don't be mad...I just can't find time to sit and write anything, which is weird for me... not to have a down moment or ten. It's just been that kind of few days.

And doesn't look to be stopping and then I think I have to go away for work and then my best friend from the mainland who I haven't seen in a year is coming to visit this weekend and when am I going to find the time to tell you?

Soon, I hope, soon.

Cross your fingers that there will be moments soon for me to write ok?

Ok.

Thanks.

I Typed This All In One Breath So You Have To Read It Really Fast

Um so I had a good weekend but I can't talk about my good weekend.

I mean I can talk about my good weekend, it's not like I *can't* talk about my good weekend, it's just that C-Dawg's moved this weekend and today too I guess because the weekend's over, but I helped her yesterday and will help her again today so my extra time for sitting and sorting through the spinning that is my brain isn't there.

So yes, I had a good weekend, and I want to tell you about it, but I don't have the time, well not today, but maybe tonight? I don't know, we'll just have to see but now I've given it a lot of buildup haven't I? So don't be too excited or anything, just ignore me really and pretend this post never happened, ok?

Ok. Cool.

How're you?