OK Fine, I'll Tell You Everything

It was Bird.

The "companion" I turned to last weekend? Bird.

Bird, Bird, Bird. Bird. Bird. *sigh*

So why didn't I mention it? Why didn't I come right out and say "Hey, guys, I asked Bird if he'd ever sleep with me."? Well it seemed like saying that would open the door right up for people to roll their eyes at me and judge. Which, you know, is kind of not something I like. Even from the occasional random stranger who has shown up here and put in an unsupportive comment or two. (Which, um, DELETED, but still, ow.) So, yeah, I was chicken.

See, the last time I said anything significant about Bird it was this: "I still hang out with Bird every once in a while and am no longer wanting to get him in my pants (it's subtly different from wanting to get in his pants) except when something sets my hormones raging."

So it didn't feel cool to have said that and then be turning around and saying, "Well, actually, about that...I kind of am back to wanting to get him in my pants. Sorry!" Not that I have to apologize to you guys or anything, I mean you're awesome...but still. It felt weird.

But it wasn't entirely random.

I really had stopped wanting anything from Bird beyond the occasional person to watch a video with and lean up against when watching said video, because that's a nice feeling and mammals are meant to touch. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

But then I ran into my ex. And in case you couldn't catch it here, it really threw me. Really.

I'm not in the same space I was when DD and I were together but running into him made me feel like I was in no space. Not there, but not quite here. It's hard to explain. I suddenly felt in limbo somehow.

It's been strange.

And sometimes when things are strange I cling to something as an "answer" And in this case, I fell back, for a few days, into wanting to be in a new relationship RIGHT NOW! Now. And I started thinking about Huck and how maybe if I ran into him he'd suddenly remember to fall in love with me and maybe I should drop everything and go to his workplace and bat my eyelashes at him 'till the noticed?

Got talked off that ledge. (Thanks S!)

And then I started thinking about Bird and how, even though 80% of the time he's not boyfriend material, maybe I could be his girlfriend the other 20% of the time and just put my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalala" while rocking back and forth therefore not noticing the rest of the time?

Talked myself off that ledge pretty quick. (Thanks Sanity!)

And that was that. Kind of.

Somehow, running into DD had not only flipped my "want boyfriend not single life now" switch, it also flipped my "want hot man action now" switch. And I didn't think much about it because I was too busy thinking who I should have as my new fantastic boyfriend, why hello stranger, are you single? Until a girlfriend and I went out for dessert and drinks. (Mmmmm, what a combo, I'm drooling just thinking about it) We got talking, as girlfriends do, about guys and I caught her up on stuff. And then Bird texted, slightly drunk from an outing with his buddies. And my girlfriend started laughing, this gleam in her eye.

"Why don't you just have sex with Bird" she said. (Yeah, our conversation had gone from guys to sex. It's typical girl talk, to be frank.) "Seriously. I mean, why not? He's hot, you guys get along, make out with him."

And it was like my brain was hearing it for the first time. Bird? No. We're not like that. Nah. Bird? Wha?

But I laughed it off, telling her it wasn't good timing anyway. (Ladies, you hear what I'm saying, right? And, yes, this could be a whole other blog post, but I think I'm not going to go there)

"Perfect!" she exclaimed. "Then you'll know you can only go so far with things and you can test out what it's like to make out with him!"

And again, I laughed, "Yeah, right. Bird wouldn't make out with me anyway, so it's a moot point." And we left it at that.

But my brain didn't. My brain started wondering... "Would Bird make out with me? Would Bird sleep with me? Huh." And, now I'll admit, I can be a stubborn person. And curious. And if you let things mull around in my head for long enough, often, something will come out of it.

Like me, turning to Bird (after we'd ended up at a pub that, last time I'd been there, ironically enough, had been with DD) and saying "So. Would you sleep with me?"






More on this soon.

Probably tomorrow.

For now, I've got to go get ready to see an awesome concert on my province's legislature lawn.

Happy BC Day y'all.

We're 150. ;)

Thanks!

Dude. I, like, got an award!

No, seriously. I did.

<----------------That's it right there! It (the award) originates from Arte y Pico, which has this explanation of the translation "something like, Wow. The Best Art. Over the top."

So Alexandreena was kind enough to pass this award on my way. Which made me go "nooo!" "awwww!" and blush, while grinning all at once.

It was quite the scene. It's too bad I didn't video it. But, well, I wasn't expecting it.

Am I not making sense? Sorry. I'm just a little... giggly or something.



And here are the guidelines as Alexandreena posted them on her site:

1) Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and overall contribution to the blogger community, regardless of the language.

2) Post the name of the author and a link to his or her blog so everyone can view it.

3) Each award-winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.

4) The award-winner and the presenter should post the link of the “Arte y pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) Please post these rules.

And here's where I always fluster in things like this. See, I always feel bad for the people who don't get chosen; the kid who's picked last for the team kind of thing and as Alexandreena said, it's H to the ARD to pick just five people of all of the blogs and sites I read.

So, I'm going to do something a little different and link to five photoblogs or flickr streams that I visit and drool over, but who, I don't think, are readers here. My idea behind this is to try to introduce you all to some beautiful new art. Art that I think is "wow".

Art is good. And as the Arte y Pico site says, good art should be shared. So, thanks for thinking nice things about me Alexandreena! And I hope everyone likes these sites:

In the order that they came to me.....

1. Jim from extrametrical. One of the blogs I've been reading since I first discovered what the word meant. Always has a fantastic picture up.
2. Flickr's explore page. I can sit for ages refreshing this over and over and just going "wow" at the talent and creativity out there.
3. Moleskinerie. One of several groups on Flickr that has shots of people's art and doodles in their Moleskine journals. Very cool stuff in there.
4. Best ads on TV. Not precisely art, but you can check in regularly to see the latest "top" tv and print ads. Some very very interesting, moving things being done out there. And some funny ones too!
5. Heather B Armstrong. Aka Dooce. Probably the second or third blog I ever read, from a link on the first blog I ever read. As well as being a story-teller and writer, Dooce has glorious photos on her site and one day? I'll have me a Chuck. Or, as close to one as possible. I love me some Chuck. He's pretty. But, yes. Art. Plus, life. (And as a side note, Mrs Armstrong once sent me an email that gave me hope that there is a man out there worth waiting for. I've never forgotten that.)

So there you go. Some of the places I visit that regularly show me art that is everywhere.

And a bonus just for y'all since I love you so much? My flickr favourites: the photos I've found on flickr and want to marry.

I feel the need to draw or something. 'Scuse me.

Truth

They don't tell you the truth about sex.

When they show people having sex in the movies, or tv, they don't show it like it is.

They don't show the line that's dented into your skin where your pants or your underwear or your bra has sat all day. They don't show the blemishes, the marks, the imperfections of skin. They don't show the awkwardness, the way things might pull or tug in ways that don't add to anything.

They don't show that beyond the pheremones and scents that work, there are also, sometimes, things that don't smell so good. Taste so good. The unwashed humanity of just the fact that we are not made of wax.

Stomachs rumble, legs cramp, elbows crash accidentally into noses. They don't tell you sex is like this.

And I think, most of us, if we sat down and thought about it, might not ever have sex with that new person that first time. Because there's just so much that isn't how it's sold.

Romantic novels? They tell you that sex is hot. Romantic. Passionate.

And yes, sex can be all these things; should be all these things.

But sex is also human. Flawed.

Sex isn't tidy. It isn't neat. It isn't clean.

And yet? It's still worth it.

It's just funny.

I've been sitting here, for the past few days, since it struck me that I might consider sleeping with someone, I've been sitting here thinking of all the ways it could/would be awkward. And I've been realizing that without that passion, that "rawr", that electric attraction that pulls you magnetically towards someone, I probably wouldn't have sex. I can't do it without that.

For me, when you have the magnitism and the electricity? That's when it works.

But that's the only part they show in the movies.

That's the only part that gets talked about.

But that's not the entire truth. It's just the best part.

Through the Looking Glass

As I'm writing this, I'm looking out the window.

I'm looking out the window at the sunlight hitting the buildings I can see. Bright, strong, almost blinding sunlight.

And in the background, behind the building that's furthest from where I'm sitting, the sky is purple. Cloud purple. Storm purple.

Nature is amazing.

I'd take a photo, but it never comes out the way it looks.

Well, Let Me Tell You

So, what did I do this weekend, you asked?

Well, ok, maybe you didn't ask, but it's a cute intro, no? No? Oh well, never mind. I tried.

My weekend seems years ago, not days ago. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that stick with you for a while. One of those weekends that leave you wondering.

And hopefully, smiling.

There was bacon involved, and the calling of friends to go out and eat some with in the late morning. There was being at a pub until closing and realizing that neither of us knew it had gotten that late. There was Luminara, Victoria's lantern festival and the exhalation of held breath when I left at the end and hadn't run into my Ex.

There was catching up with old friends, realizing we've known each other almost half our lives and talking about all the crushes we had, all the parties we went to; reliving all the fun times and forgetting any bad times. There was falling asleep on said old friends' bed for a cat nap after discussing when and why guys had to re-position their "goods" and what, exactly, was so annoying about having a penis.

And then there was me, before the drinks had even been served, turning to my companion and asking if he'd ever sleep with me; if the thought had ever crossed his mind. And then there was spending the rest of the evening telling myself that just because he'd said yes, didn't give me the right to lean over and kiss him, as much as I might, in that moment, want to.

So, glad you asked?

Really Bizarre and Random Question of the Day*

Which dead rock star would you like to go back in time and sleep with?

Me? I'm going with Jimi.

*I know, weird right? There are posts stuck in my head that I need to take the time to get out. Meanwhile, this is what you get.

Um

Do you ever get that weird thing happening where you put on your mascara and it looks fine, but as soon as you leave the bathroom you realize that somehow there's a bit that feels like a blob and freaks you out when you look certain ways?

Yeah. Bet you didn't sit down to write a post about it before fixing it though.

Imprinted

These past few days have made me thoughtful; full of thought and the one that's swirling in my head the most right now is the memory from two nights ago of spotting DD in the grocery store.

How is it that after so many years, I can walk down the aisle of a grocery store, glance up, see someone's back a t-shirt, a curl of hair sticking out from under a ball cap and know, just *know* it's him?

How is it that I can have slept with other people since him, have fallen in and out of love with other people since him, and still, still I'm shaken by him showing up again?

Are there different levels of getting over someone? Or did I always know I was still missing him? And if so, what, exactly, was it that I missed?

I can't get it back, I see that now. There's no attraction there anymore and my life's not in a place where I'd put up with his sh*t anymore. But there was. And I did.

And I'm trying to figure out why it was so familiar to see him again. Why I could almost feel him when I turned down the aisle the other night.

Will I ever be able to pass him in a crowd without knowing or is he imprinted forever in my memory?

Why?

Hey, Guess What?

I didn't go out at all last night.

On purpose.

While I was tempted to push fate and see just how many nights in a row I could run into DD, I decided it'd be easier to just stay home.

And not run into him at all.

I'll have to go out tomorrow though.

Wouldn't want to turn into a hermit.

Thrice

That's three nights in a row now folks.


I'm not even kidding.


Although I kind of wish I was.


It's all very bizarre.


And is starting to be funny.


When I saw him last night I told him I guessed I'd see him tomorrow.


Ha. Ha. H..... uh.


Wait. That's not actually funny.


I have no idea what to say anymore.


I just really hope tomorrow's post is about something other than randomly running into my ex.

OK, Seriously, What The Frak*?

All I wanted was a movie. Something to finish off the night.

What I didn't want, was to run into my Ex. Again. For the second time in two nights.

Three years, I don't see this guy, and now I see him two nights in a row. Not OK. I'm not OK with that. He's invading my space. He's showing up in my territory. And, worse than that, it's all freaking me out just a little too much.

It was going to be a two minute trip; I knew exactly what I was going to rent and as I was motoring down the aisle to pick up the disc I heard someone call my name. And somehow as I turned I knew it was him. Wasn't surprised. Probably because I'd already seen him almost exactly 24 hours before that.

He'd shaved off his beard. That was the first thing I noticed.

He smelled like he'd had a few beers. That was the second thing I noticed.

He'd gotten himself a tattoo. That was the third thing I noticed.

I wanted him to both ask me out and disappear forever at the same time. That was the fourth thing I noticed.

We talked. Caught up on what he's been doing. And I can't remember if I ever mentioned this, but when I last spoke to Smith, I was irritated to hear that he was doing a lot of the things I'd suggested he do when he was struggling with things. At the time, it kind of felt like I'd had these helpful, great ideas but they weren't what he wanted. Until a year later when he suddenly came up with this great idea to do X,Y,Z, conveniently forgetting that that's exactly what I suggested when trying to "save" our relationship.

And now, I just got to have the same conversation with another Ex. He told me about how he's settling down. How he's tired of a job that takes him away for half a year at a time and how I would know better than most how hard that is. And he told me about how he's going to be wearing a suit, come fall, doing a "grown up" job. All the things he wasn't able, ready, or willing to do when we were together and I was suggesting things that would help make our relationship work.

And he asked me how the spy work was going and I told him it was good.

He asked me if I was going to an upcoming festival. I told him, honestly, that I didn't know. That I might be away that weekend. He told me he was surprised, that it was my thing, my favourite.

I was surprised that he'd noticed; that he'd known me that well.

He told me that he was doing really really well. That his friends all missed me; that I'd been their favourite. I smiled at this, he did have some cool people he hung out with... I just wish I'd known then that they liked me for who I was and didn't just like me because I was with him.

He seemed awkward, I could feel it, and that's probably fair seeing the way he ended things and the way he left me reeling and hurt. He got his phone out a couple of times and I was horrified that he might ask me for my number. In fact, when we started talking about what movies we were thinking of renting, I was scared witless that he might ask to come over and watch one with me.

I was equally scared that I might be so polite as to ask if he wanted to come over and watch one with me.

I might have, too.

And that scared me.

I told him I was sure I'd see him around and that it was good to see him. One of those things is true.

I don't want to see him around, I don't want to have to pretend he wasn't an ass to me. I don't want to pretend that I didn't love him. I don't want to pretend that I don't still think about him from time to time. I don't want to pretend that we didn't share the most magical moment I've ever had in my life; a moment we talked about later as being the most amazing connection either of us had ever shared. I don't want to pretend that he didn't leave me hurting.

But I can also see and know him well enough to know that he's not the guy who's able to have the conversation to move through all that stuff. He's not the guy to be friends with.

He's the guy, that if I do go to that festival, I'll make sure I go with friends; protection. And, he's the guy that the next time I'm out and about with Bird, I'll hope to run into. And he's the guy that I'll just let assume Bird is my boyfriend. Fiance. Husband. Lover. He's the guy I hope doesn't want to try to catch up on "old times." He's the guy I don't want to run into again because it's too much effort.

It was friendly, our meeting. I felt protective of his awkwardness; didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already seemed. I was polite, friendly, kind. I think I genuinely cared. I also wanted him to like me; to be attracted to me all over again. I wanted him to see everything he'd missed out on, everything he wasn't getting, everything he'd given up. I wanted him to want me and to leave, upset that he no longer had me. So I asked all the right questions and I smiled and nodded and listened when, really, most of me didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be catching up on his life and the things he's doing.

I was surprised at the choices he's made, it seems like he's losing part of what made him so charming, and that was a little sad. I wonder what more he might have wanted to say. I caught him mumbling about how strange it was to find himself talking to me in public after five years. He wondered why it made him so nervous.

Guilt, perhaps?

Looking at a genuinely good person that you treated poorly? That'll make you feel nervous, I'd guess.

It was strange seeing him. Even stranger talking to him. Downright bizarre playing the friendly ex-girlfriend who's all pulled together and happy to see you. Pulled together, I am, and I looked downright hot (he mentioned as much). Happy to see him? Not so much.

Strange. Strange. Strange.

I burst into tears when I got home. I'm not 100% sure why. Scared of what I might let myself get pulled back into? Sad for what I once dreamed we could build together? Hurt that he gave me up for something he's no longer pursuing?

I guess I'm happy that I was polite to him and that I cared about him as a person.

I'm also happy that I was able to call a couple friends and talk to some on line after it happened. And then watch my video. And then write out a post.

I just hope that as the next few days go by I don't keep hearing things he said pop into my head like I have for the past few hours.

And I also hope that I don't run into him again for a while. If ever.

Or that if I do, I'm on the arm of a super hot guy so that he thinks I'm not single, because then I wouldn't have to cringe every time the phone rings, wondering if it's him.

Now I just need to figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me.

Why, exactly, is this guy showing up now, after years? Y E A R S. And two nights in a row too. And why has he moved into my neighbourhood. And why does he still remember so much about me? And why do I care?

What am I supposed to learn? Figure out?

Anyone?

Please tell me we're not going to get back together.

He's not even that cute anymore.

Funny how that happens.

I think I need a drink. And a nap. I'm utterly exhausted.


*I'm on Season 3.

Shaky

Just ran into one of my exes.

Like, right now.

Except, I probably won't post this til tomorrow morning, so, I guess I ran into my ex last night.

Or whatever. I'll post this. And then I won't *just* have ran into my ex, but as of right now, as of this writing, I just ran into my ex.

This one. DD, the drunk dialer. Him.

He who hasn't been seen in years. Even though he's the only one of my exes from the last few years who lives in town, I never see him.

But I just did.

I didn't talk to him, had my earphones in, saw him, smirked at him as I walked by, wondered if he recognized me, wondered why I smirked, wished I'd stopped and talked to him, felt glad that I didn't stop and talk to him and then I found myself getting a little dizzy and realized I'd forgotten to keep breathing.

Walked the rest of the way home feeling like he was following me, wondering what he was doing and wondering why he still hasn't shaved off his beard.

It's all struck me harder than I would have thought and I'm feeling a little weird. Hopefully that'll pass, and hopefully he doesn't still have my number.

Weird.

Need to shake this one off.

Limited Time Offer!

It's all gone tonight folks!

Hey

D'you know what's fun?

When you're talking to your friend about the rainshower that came out of nowhere and telling him to be careful biking home and then you go into your bedroom and remember that you put your pillows out the window that morning to get some fresh air.

Whoops!

Good thing there was time for them to dry before bed, eh?

A friend is someone who knows your song, and sings it to you when you’ve forgotten it yourself.

~ Alan Cohen

I'll Buy What They're Selling

I just got a spam message that I was tempted to forward to all my ex (and future) boyfriends.

"Make sure she achieves her climax 5 times every night"

Yes, please do!

Recent Video Watching Escapades Volume 1

While watching Cloverfield:
My friend turns to her boyfriend and says "Sweetie, the filming's not making you sick or anything? You ok?" He assures her he's having no problem with it. I, however, have to spend the next ten minutes watching the wall. Apparently you can *suggest* nausea to me and I'll catch it.

While watching the excellent Control:
I'm surprised to find myself bawling my eyes out and nearly hyperventilating when the main character commits suicide. Surprising, since this is the fictionalized story of Ian Curtis of Joy Division and I already know he's going to commit suicide.

While watching Atonement:
Me, for a grand majority of the movie: "Seriously. What is going on? "

Laughing Out Loud

So a lot of the time when I'm doing something mindless, (like showering) my brain runs off with itself and has a little affair. Sometimes I come up with great thoughts or solutions to problems in these moments, so I'll often half-listen in to my mind....ramblings.

Like yesterday.

I was getting changed at the gym when I started to think about stationary bikes. I haven't been on one in a while since it seems to make my back feel icky and I was wondering if maybe I should try it again. But that reminded me of my co-worker who borrowed her boyfriends bike and went for a long ride and ended up with a sore back. So then I started thinking about how much I enjoy the treadmill, where I can just walk and read and zone out and wouldn't it be nice if there was, similar to the stationary/real outdoor bike situation, a treadmill type thing that you could take outside and actually use to travel around outdoors. While walking.

And then I realized what I was thinking because part of my brain said "WHAT? LIKE FEET?"

And I burst out laughing.

In public.


Damn, my brain is funny!

Updated to add (because seriously!):

Found by the lovely S.

I don't even know what to say.

Really.


Treadmill Bike

Out of Sorts

Now, it doesn't help *at all* that I'm writing this post while under the (very strange) influence of a Robaxacet, (and, no don't bother reading the possible side effects, in fact, don't do medical research via Google and the internet at all ever because you will always, always end up dying of something really bad. Um where was I? Oh yeah...) but I've been feeling quite out of sorts lately.

I'm guessing it's a combination of things including a large spy project coming to an end and knowing I won't be working on it again and knowing I won't be working with some of those spy peoples again. It's bizarre to put so much of yourself into something and then let it go. But wait! I don't talk about work, so, um, yeah. Let's just ignore this last paragraph shall we?

There's also my back that went majorly weird in a completely different way than last time and my physio's away and I couldn't get any "professional" help til next week (wait, why did I put professional in quotes? I don't know either.) and that made me feel scared and old and unsure if I should rest or not rest or why doesn't this body thing come with an owner's manual anyway? I don't even know what I did, was it that spy move I did, was it going up three pounds in free weights, was it sitting for two hours putting together a photo album from two years ago? (Yes, two years. I'm a little behind. What?)

So, I have no idea where this post is going, but let it be a lesson to all you young kids out there that drugs are bad. Even the ones you can buy over the counter because, hello? One day I'm going to read this post and wonder why I let myself post it.

Summer's here, and that's good. I still hang out with Bird every once in a while and am no longer wanting to get him in my pants (it's subtly different from wanting to get in his pants) except when something sets my hormones raging.

Like this:

Sebastian Pigott - Bring it on Home to Me

Which then led me to this. Which, awesomely, COMPLETELY cheered me up!

Led Zeppelin - Bring it on Home

And that's why they're Gods. Amen.

And now this post just ends.

To The Super Hot Guy In The Blue Truck

Dude,

Wow.
Seriously.

Speechless,

Victoria

S

I know, I know, it's a dumb post title, but, really, I had to.

I realized Tuesday, that both my post titles so far started with the letter S. Then I realized they were getting smaller.

And then my brain just froze and got all weird and insisted I go from a three letter S word to a two letter S word to a one letter S word.

But there isn't one.

So here's my "S" post.

And now my brain can be happy.

Happier.

There's something significant I think I was supposed to do today, but I can't remember what it was. Eleventh, anyone?



Updated to add: No, not this. That's not what I was thinking of.

So

Remember when, a while back, after this post, McGone made the comment that I should make business cards to leave behind saying "Dude, you made my day"

And I thought "hey, that's a cute, nice idea."

And everyone else seemed to agree.

So I thought "What the heck."

And here's what I did:



Now I just have to get out there and use 'em.

Anyone want some "you made my day" Moo cards?

Say

Say Victoria,
I've noticed that you've been using a lot of videos lately, most notably, a couple of beer commercial videos. Is there something you're trying to tell us here? Are you, like, addicted to beer? Or videos? Let me know if you need help. I'm always here for you.
Your biggest fan.

Hey Blog Observer and Critic Extrodinare From Inside My Own Head,
Thanks for your concern. No, I'm not addicted to beer, thanks. In fact, I can't say I've ever really enjoyed it. Sure, I drank it a fair amount in high school (No Mom, I didn't! I'm just joking. I didn't drink 'til legal drinking age and always in moderation.) but that was because even though I preferred coolers, guys tended to buy beer and that's who I was scoring drinks from. You do what you have to do when you're underage with no job or ability to buy tasty sweet girly California Coolers.
But I digress. I've never enjoyed beer, despite my occasional forays into the Great Canadian Beer Fest and now beer's officially on my "do not consume unless you want that painful stomach thing to happen" list from the allergist. (Along with many other things, some missed, some not) So, no. I'm not addicted to beer, thanks.
As for videos, I wouldn't say I'm addicted, no. See, I was looking for a good, proud Canadian photo to put up for Canada Day and couldn't find the one I took that I was thinking of. So I started searching the internets for other Canadiana and remembered that "The Code" ad that I always thought was funny. So I put that on. But then, just like when I found the never-ending vending machine links (curse you You Tube and your "related videos" clicky links) I started watching more and more Molson "I Am" ads and found that other one that kind of makes fun of Americans and Canadians at the same time so I put that one up for the Fourth of July and now I feel like I'm defending myself which makes me wonder if maybe I *do* have an addiction to videos.
I could stop, though, if I wanted to.

Sold

I used to watch a lot of music videos. Mainly because I could. Or couldn't. See, I was forbidden to watch them while living with my parents since my Mom (quite rightly the way I see it now in my all grown up* wisdom mind you) felt they were "bubble gum for the mind" and "semi-pornographic". So when my folks were out, or when I eventually lived on my own I watched a lot of music videos.

Sometimes I find that the moment of when I first hear a song combined either with the video or the situation will cement that song into my mind as awesome. Forever. I've found some cool new artists this way and was reminded (by a trip into American Eagle Outfitters the other day, did you know they play music and music videos in the shop REALLY LOUD AND WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC?) of how much I love Ben Harper.

This is the song, and video that sold me on him. I'm still digging it. And him. Rock on brothers.**


Ben Harper - Ground on Down

*All grown up? Ha! Who are we kidding?

**Please tell me Desmond will still be around next season, brother?

Sniff

Things have been a little, nay, a lot sad around here these past few days as one of my favourite husbands* has moved on.

Markus Naslund, my team Captain (damnit, now I have to say "former team Captain" Boooo!) and utterly hunky lovey dovey, has left to join another team, leaving me with no one cute on my roster.

I mean, not that my remaining boys are ugly, it's just that compared to Markus, no one's anywhere near as cute. *sigh*

I can't believe it's come to this: I need a new husband. Goodbye Markie-Warkie. Thanks for the memories. I'll settle for custody of the team in the settlement. I'll miss you!


*Please don't bring up the fact that I'm only married to him in my imagination, I don't need any more sadness right now people!

Holy Hotness Batman

I may be single, but I'm not immune to the utterly sexy:



Day Dream - Sebastian Pigott

I've got me some serious Pigott crushes.

Because, seriously? Since when did "Umbrella" make me want to get naked?

Exactly.

And, really? I don't care if I'm on my own on this one. That melted me.

I may, officially, be a sucker for musicians.

But July Lays A Hand Of Blond All Through Your Hair

What's your favourite part of summer?

PS

Molson Canadian "The Code" (Continued)


Happy Canada Day, eh?


(Oh, and? Six of these apply to me.)

Pride

Happy Canada Day long weekend!

I'm relaxing.

See you mid-week

-ish.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Hey.

So do you know what's really awkward?

It's when you tell your good-looking co-worker that he was in your dream last night and man oh man is he ever going to be in trouble with his girlfriend.

Because you know what happens then? Well, if you're me, you spend the rest of the day feeling awkward around him because you just admitted to smooching him in your dreams. Ha... um... ha?

So, how about the weather.....?

What More Is There To Say, Really?

It's Friday.

That is all.

On The To Do List

So, forever ago, I went on an awesome vacation.

And when I went, I kept something between a diary and notes of my days, my adventures, my thoughts and impressions of the country; a country I'd always wanted to visit.

My plan was to come back and write out everything I did so that I'd have a permanent memory of it. I didn't exactly know where I'd write it out, but the notebook's been sitting on my kitchen table for a few months now, waiting for me.

Seeing as I'm trying to de-clutter my place, I need to get rid of the notebook. And the best way to do that without losing the memories is to write it out. And, I may as well write it out here.

I'm writing this post so that I have the incentive to sit myself down and remember how I felt before it gets too far away and faded. I may not get the same details down here as I would if I were writing just for myself; some things are private and just between me and my travelling companions, but I'm going to try, in the next little while to start telling some of the stories.

It's officially on the To-Do list.

Am I The Only One This Happens To?

Ok, do you know what else is really weird? It seems like a lot lately, when I turn off the lights to go to sleep, ideas for posts pop into my head.

And I always tell myself I'm too sleepy and it's too late and if I get out of bed and fire up the laptop and do some writing I'll never get back to sleepy state. And I always promise myself that I'll remember in the morning.

And sometimes I do remember the thought, but then I forget it again because I'm at work or whatnot and then when I sit down to write my mind goes blankity blank blank.

Which is kind of frustrating because I know I had something to say, I just can't remember, what the heck it was.

(Yeah, I know, I should/could keep a pad of paper beside my bed.)

Twice a Year

One of my many strange mind things (and, yes, apparently this week is "let the world into my brain" week) is a difficulty remembering which month we're in.

March is the first time it happens and all through the month I talk to people about it being May and they look at me funny.

*Now* is the second time it happens: I spend most of this month thinking we're in July (even writing it on cheques this weekend for Pete's sake) and then when August comes I can't figure out what happened to July because didn't we just do it for two months in a row?

I know, I'm weird. I'm used to it.

I Know, But

It's been bugging me for a while and now I finally have to tell you guys.

It weirds me out when people go into the bathroom stalls at the gym naked.

*shudder*

To All You Northern Hemisphere Dwellers:

I still have half an hour left to say it;





Happy first day of Summer!

If You Don't Choose You Won't Save the Planet!*

The world has had some major catastrophe and the aliens came down and zapped us with this weird beam that made junk food healthy.

But here's the catch, my friends.

For the rest of your life you can eat only three junk foods: one salty type, one chocolate type and one candy type. (The aliens have promised us we will be healthy and will not get sick of these foods, but that we must choose only one of each)

You have twenty four hours to decide or the alien beams will turn you into... um... something bad and yeah. Bad!

I will spend the rest of my life eating Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles, Family size Caramilks (although I may regret this decision) and regular Skittles.



*Yes, I was eating some of these items when I wrote the post, why do you ask?

K is for Karma

Karma.

I believe in it. I do.

I can't say I have the knowledge to explain what I understand it to be, but I do think karma works; however you want to put it:

What goes around, comes around.

Treat others how you want to be treated.

You reap what you sow.

You get what you give.

You've been bad to me woman, but it's coming back home to you.

Etc, etc.

We've all heard it. I think just some of us respect the idea of it more. I was going to say "use" more, but it's not really something you use. Or is it?

How do you see Karma? Do you believe in it? Do you try to follow it in some ways?

I find it a very comforting thought and I also find it a good guide for living. Am I putting stuff out there I'd want back? If not, then it's time to make changes.

I think I'm doing pretty well.

Cat's Cradle

I don't know if I've talked about this before, so excuse me if I'm repeating myself.

I've often wondered why, but there are a few people that I see almost every time I go to the gym.

There's a woman and a man (that I think are married) who are in phenomenal shape. I usually see them at the same time, but have occasionally seen just the man.

There is also an older, very slim woman that I see.

On top of this, there are a few, maybe three or four more men that I see most times.

I haven't figured out why I keep seeing these people, because, sure, I go generally around the same time, but not always. Especially on the weekends; I might go at 11 one Saturday and 8 at night the next.

Which always leads me to wondering: are these people here a lot? Maybe they come a couple of times a day and I just happen to run into them during one of their times. Or, are we on some symbiotic schedule that we don't even know about.

I mean, it's one thing to run into the same people on the bus, right? You know you all have to get to work or school at a similar time and all, but this is different.

Maybe it's just that we're all regulars and have similar enough patterns that we cross paths occasionally and it just seems like "every time". I don't know.

I always just think it's cool.

We'd be the main characters in the tv sitcom of the gym, that's for sure.

And if it's like Cheers? I want to be Norm.

VICTORIA!!!!! (Mug of water slides down the counter towards me)

Heh.

Gracefully

I had a very strange experience this weekend, one that's taken me a few days to process.

I was at a baby shower.

Not a thing I'm a fan of, and not my first, but that wasn't the odd part.

As I walked into the kitchen when I first arrived and looked around the room, it was the first time I've ever noticed that I'm older. That "we" are older.

Now, granted, most of the other women there were five (or sometimes ten) years older than me, but still. These women looked mature. Like they'd lived. They were all attractive, happy, well-dressed women, but it really struck me that we weren't nineteen anymore.

Not only that, we weren't anywhere near.

It was like entering a whole other world and not one I'm sure I want to have entered.

My peers are no longer the younger generation and it's an utterly disturbing realization.

We're nowhere near old, mind you, but we're not young anymore. And these women? With their babies and toddlers, or their two kids left at home with their husbands? Are no longer carefree.

It really shook me, looking around and seeing their faces and if you haven't gone through a similar experience? You will. It's odd.

House parties turn into dinner parties turn into wedding showers turn into baby showers turn into...... I don't know yet.

And I didn't just get my driver's license, even though it feels like it.

Memories Revisited

I went to bed last night while it was still light out for the first time since I can't remember when.

(Yes, I was that tired. And, yes, I slept through the whole night.)

I remember when my Mom used to send me to bed in the summer months and how frustrated I'd be that I wasn't out there playing with the older kids. It was worst when I could still hear them in the backyard, or the neighbour's backyard as Mom came by and told me it was "lights out" time.

It seemed like such a waste of good play time.

Learning as I Go

I'm supposed to post today, I know, but my brain feels out of stories to tell.

I mean, I could tell you about the nice brunch I had with my Dad for Father's Day, or I could tell you about the article I read in O Magazine about sperm donors and all the thoughts I've had about that since reading it, or I could tell you about the strange dream I had last night but none of these really seem interesting enough to write an entire post about.

I guess, in some ways, I'm feeling a little limited in what I can post here lately. See, this is awkward to bring up but there's a person who reads this blog occasionally who doesn't respect the fact that this is an anonymous blog. And this person also occasionally criticizes me for things I've talked about, privately I thought, on this blog. And that makes it hard for me to write freely and honestly, because I feel like I'm waiting to get told off.

I mean, even writing this is awkward because I'm not good at conflict and I don't feel like bringing up, again, with this person the fact that I'm kind of not cool with the way they've treated the fact that I shared this secret thing with them. So I feel like I've had to shut myself down here a bit lately, or like I've had to adjust and alter what I wanted to say because all of a sudden I'm less comfortable with my audience. And that sucks.

One of the main reasons I wanted to have an anonymous blog was so that I could say whatever I wanted to say without having to filter it through "acceptable" social friendship norms. I have a lot of good friends, but they're all married and somehow it's hard to talk to married friends about the ups and downs of being single. Because for most of them it's a distant, somewhat painful memory. Like high school.

And, yes, I've told some of my good friends that I write a blog. Most of them didn't care and didn't ask to read it. I've given the URL to some friends for their input and, in one case, because that friend had a blog and I thought fair's fair. So, really, I've only had the one "bad" thing happen with the one trust breaking and that's, statistically, pretty good. It just doesn't feel good. And I guess I just don't know what to do about it.

I suppose I'll just learn to deal with it and maybe my posts will be so boring for a while that they'll give up reading. Maybe they've already given up and I'm fearing something that doesn't even exist.

I'm good at that. And should probably stop.

I guess it just hurts when you're open and honest and you get flak for it. And I think Angella was talking about it a while ago, but somehow it hurts more when the flak's from someone you know.

Blah. I need to stop this post now because I'm not sure I know what I'm trying to say anymore, and, quite honestly, it's not really a post I feel like posting.

I just think it's going to be a long time before I tell anyone about my blog again, and that's going to have to be ok.

Guess What We Got Today*?

Jonathan Edwards - Sunshine
Sunshine!

And I loved every warm, fuzzy moment of it.

*OK, technically yesterday by the time I actually post this. But I hear there's more on the way today, woo hooo!

What's That?

An update, you say?

Now, for those of you who play along carefully at home, (like Yvonne,) you may have remembered me mentioning, once or twice, a guy I've had a crush on for a long while.

Said guy, who will now be referred to as Huck because B's girlfriend came up with Huck and it's better than any I came up with (Chuck? Doug? Steve? Simon? Randy? Paula? Huh?) is really a good looking fellow, and 99% of the girls I've ran into who've met him agree.

I've known (about) Huck for a long time as we used to share a social group; I was dating one of the friends of his friend kind of thing. He had a girlfriend at the time and I was super shy (I mean, miles shyer than I am now) so we never interacted. Fast forward a few years and I've only ever admired him from afar, never knowing if he was single and when I found out he was single, never having the guts to really talk to him.

Until the other week.

I don't know if it was driven by my (slightly) competitive nature upon hearing that a friend of a friend had randomly decided to ask Huck out for coffee or just frankly me growing up and deciding I was tired of being scared of something as simple as talking to an attractive guy or a combo of the two things, but last week, I waltzed into his place of work, called him over and talked to him for a few minutes.

It may not have been life-changing for him, but man was I ever on a high after that. Adrenaline rush? Why, yes, thank you very much.

A while after that B mentioned to Huck that I'd said I'd run into him and I was hoping Huck would ask B for information about me, thereby fulfilling all my fantasies and wishes and starting us on the road to having adorable babies and a happily ever after.

Alas, this did not happen.

I mulled it over for a while and decided that since I'd already started the ball rolling, I'd take it another step. See, Huck and I, at the end of our conversation, left things at "Well, we should hang out sometime" (me) and "Well, I'm always here, come by and" um, I actually forget what he said because I was kind of freaking out internally at this point. so I left him a note the next time I was by his workplace with my number and telling him he should call.

Alas, this has not happened either.

But I'm fine about it.

I mean, I'm not jumping for joy, (and quite possibly a bottle or two of wine may get opened in the near future to help in sorrow-drowning, you never know) but at least I put myself out there and (re)introduced myself to a guy I've always found attractive. I think that's an awesome accomplishment in itself.

And while I still wish Huck would call and realize his long lost love for me, I'm also fine knowing that there is a great guy out there for me and that Huck will never know what he's missing.

Plus, he's still nice to look at. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

PS. Yes, I did just update this. Why? Oh, um, because I kind of somehow used the wrong nickname anyway because it seems my brain is melty or something so I had to change them all because, well, yeah. And, yes, I may just be putting on a brave face. You'll never know!

Ahh Hah Hah Hah Hah!

So, I posted this funny picture but it was too big and I don't know how to fix it so instead? Just go here.
Kthxbye.

That's Deep Man

So I have this notebook that, from time to time, I jot down ideas and thoughts for future posts.

I haven't looked in the notebook for a while, but I pulled it up last night to get some ideas for an upcoming post.

As I flipped through the pages, I realized it'd probably been too long since I'd looked through the book since some of the notes no longer made any more sense.

For example? This post came from the note "Seagull".

Because, dude? I have no idea what I meant.

Seagull.

Lucky Timing

Apparently a good fix for a hurt heart is to have a massage appointment booked for right after the bad news comes.

Things hurt less when your body's smiling.

April, May Remove Your Clothes So Go Expose Your Skin

June comes on putting colour back into your limbs.



There's a strange thing happening right now, not so much around here, but more around the internet space. All of a sudden, people are talking about summer.

Summer? Huh? Isn't that, like, a couple of months away? You know, like, a July sort of thing? August even?

I don't know if things are different in other parts of the world, and I think maybe it's because school is out in the States soon, (now?) but dude, seriously. We're just starting to hit Spring here and, quite frankly, I haven't even done my toenails yet. It's so not summer yet!

It's still Spring where you are....isn't it?

And Breathe

They say you should do something every day that scares you.

Me? I'm not sure about the "every day" part. But I think it's good to do something every once in a while that you're scared of.

Like, talking to a guy you've previously only admired from afar.

Which I did.




I KNOW!

Soar

There is beauty all around us.

TV Tidbits

- I would sleep with Jack RIGHT NOW!

- I don't think I've ever watched an episode of So You Think You Can Dance without getting emotional and teary-eyed. (PS. PLEASE let this be good, please?)

- Speaking of Lost, am I the only one who cried all through the season finale?

- The worst part of not having cable and therefore being a season or two behind everyone? Is hearing them talk about a season finale of a season you haven't even started watching yet!

- Oh, and finding out the results of Survivor *before* getting to watch it. (And holy crap, did you know there's like "extras" fun videos on that site? NICE!)

- Good thing I managed to stay in the dark for America's Next Top Model. Yay!

Bang

So I got woken up last night by a really loud bang.

And I couldn't fall back asleep.

The reason I couldn't fall back asleep is that my brain automatically went into "think it through" mode. Which, for those of you who aren't familiar with it, goes something like this:

Hmm, that was a loud noise. I'm awake now. I wonder if that was a gunshot. Did I just get woken up by a gunshot? No. Gunshots don't sound that big. They sound thin. Have I ever heard a gunshot? I don't know. How would I know? I would just know, wouldn't I? Hmmm, I should blog this in the morning. (Yes, I really did think that at one something AM) So what was that noise then if it wasn't a gunshot, which it wasn't because I'd know if it was. I think it was a whole big plank of wood falling down from a very high place and going boom. Or maybe a whole bunch of planks but they all fell together. Like, maybe it's windy and they fell far and went boom. Which woke me up. Because now I'm awake. I wonder what time it is. One. Ok. I'd like to get back to sleep now. Why did no one else wake up? Why isn't the guy upstairs going to the window to check things out. I can't have been the only person that woke up. But then again, I'm not going to the window either.

Etc, etc.

The worst part about it all? Is I'd had super sweet dreams as I'd fallen asleep.

Damn planks of wood waking me up.

Magic

So I was out and about the other day in the late evening. It was one of the sunny, warm days we've had lately and everything was nice and glowy.

I had my iPod in and my favourite song of the moment came on.  It always makes me smile.

As I'm listening to this song I look up across the street at this little urban park thing and I notice that the trees are shedding something; seed pods or something, I don't know.

All I know is that the way the light was hitting them, they looked like magical golden glitters.

I'm not exaggerating. It was magical.

It really looked like a scene from a movie with silvery shiny glitter was being thrown down in the forest so that the fairies could come out to play. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I kept looking around to see if anyone else noticed, but I guess I was the only one lucky enough to not have anywhere to hurry to.

So I sat there, listening to my favourite song, watching the sparkles fall from the trees.

It was awesome.

I'm so lucky.

My Three (Non) Date Weekend

Went for a photo taking walk and drink with one of my good friends (who also happens to be the boyfriend of one of my best friends.)

Met Bird for breakfast.

Went for a walk with cute temp spy worker guy. (Who, yes, has a Significant Other, oh well, at least I have a new friend, right?)

Pretty good for a shy, single girl, eh?

I'm Just Saying

This cold must really be getting to me because I just spent ten minutes looking at vending machine videos on YouTube.

I didn't even know there *were* vending machine videos on YouTube.

Dude

This may be the coolest thing I've ever seen on the internet.

Wowsers.

Perception

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said (and allow me some paraphrasing if you will) "You can not solve a problem with the same thinking that created it."

Ever wish you could get out of your own head? Your own thoughts? Ever wish you could turn off the internal chatter?

I know I do.

Check this out for a really fascinating look at our brains.

Makes me wonder how many of my problems are my own making. How many of my "issues" are just me trying to re-hash a problem with the exact same thinking that got me into it.

Food for thought, certainly.

Points

- I feel like it's been ages since I've had a cold or been sick. Good thing this one's a doozy.

- Almond milk, while my new favourite "non dairy" drink, still tastes thin in tea. Know what I mean? Thin?

-I suppose "thin" is a fair thing to have to put up with to be pain free. Yay pain free! Although, I did sneak in that ice cream cone last weekend and the pain was (almost) worth it.

-No, I'm not lactose intolerant. Go figure.

-I took a sick day yesterday. Apparently the spy world did not fall apart without me. Huh.

-I will go back to work today just to make sure, though.

-What, exactly, happened to May anyway? I swear it only just started.

-Anyone want to bring me food and tuck me under my blankie on the couch?

-I don't remember reading the last two chapters of my book.

-I'm more excited than anyone I know that So You Think You Can Dance is back on.

-Yes, it was Swiftsure weekend again. Yes, I think it was the chocolate martini that allowed my cold to take hold. Curses alcohol and your ability to lull my immune system into submission!

-I went on a yacht.

-It was fancier than my apartment. And bigger.

-I was intimidated.

-Apparently Bird is a "dink". These are not my words. Nor are they his.

-Anyone ever wonder how cold medicine is supposed to help a runny nose and a stuffed up nose at the same time? Isn't that.... counter-productive or something?

-Yes, I may have taken some cold medication, why do you ask?

Recovery

I'm supposed to be writing something here but I hab a code and I can't seem to make anything make sense.

I mean, more than usual.

I'll be back.

Soon.

Ish.

I promise.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorted

We all know we're not supposed to want a boyfriend/girlfriend to change. We all know we're supposed to fall in love with someone for who they are not for who you want them to be, but I think what has(n't) gone on with Bird has given me a better understanding of how this happens.

I think what I tend to do when I'm falling for someone, or interested in them, is focus on all their good points, their positive traits.

I see only the good.

And it's only when I settle in to the relationship that I see things that don't sit well with me; selfishness, lack of follow-through, thoughtlessness, etc. But by then it tends to be "too late" in my mind; I've fallen for him, I've committed to this relationship and this love and I'd darn well better make it work.

So, I try to forget the bad and focus on the good, but it never works. And, yet, in the past I've still hung on. Still hoped that the good I first saw in him would outweigh the other things. That the bad would disappear, that he'd grow out of it, that he'd see how much his actions/behaviours were hurting me and would stop.

That's what you do when you love someone, no? Make an effort to care for them and not hurt them?

It hasn't always worked well for me, doing this backwards version of falling for someone. Head over heels, blindly diving in.

So this thing with Bird has been good for me. Easy? No. It's a struggle at times, for sure.

But, different from what I'd have done in the past, I went in slowly. I went in and learned about some of the traits he has that don't jibe with me and the way I want to be in a relationship and I made decisions with that knowledge in mind.

As I said, though, it's not easy. Old habits die hard, and I find myself just wanting to jump right in and ignore all the bad and focus on the good. And focus on how much I like the good.

But I'm working at reminding myself that there's bad right along with the good. And that in this case, I'm not willing to overlook it and blindly dive in.

I wish Bird were different and that he always followed through on what he said he was going to do, but he's not. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. But I need to remind myself (sometimes a lot) that there's nothing I can do to change him and his patterns and habits.

Doesn't make him a bad person. Just makes me have to move on, which, honestly, is sad and hurts.

But I find I'm mourning the loss of someone who didn't really exist anywhere else but my "dive in blindly" mind. Once I get over that, I may find a good friend.

Or not.

Only time will tell.

Just gotta make sure I see it all, not just what I want to see.

Good

Today is a good day.

Yesterday was a good day.

I'm guessing tomorrow will be a good day.

There's light shining through my window before I'm even out of bed and there's light hanging on in the evenings late, late, late.

I'm adoring the long days.

I really like that photo too.

Things are good.

J is for Jethro Tull. And. . . ?

For reasons that won't make sense to anyone but me, Jethro Tull's "To Cry You a Song" once saved my life. Right song, right lyrics, right time.

Most people know Aqualung, but my favourite Jethro Tull song is one I (strangely enough) only heard for the first time this year (go figure) "Thick as a Brick." It's a song I feel like playing when I'm really annoyed at someone for being a less than decent human being. Plus, it's pretty damn awesome.


Jethro Tull - Thick as a Brick

So, here's where you come in, my lovelies.

Who's your favourite "J" band or artist, and, if you had to pick only one of their songs, which would it be?

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Seriously. This happened.

I was driving to work last week and as I got to the intersection I noticed that the car in front of me and the car in front of me in the lane next to me (if you get what I mean) were the exact same car; blue Toyota Echos.

As I was thinking about what a funky co-incidence that was I looked at their license plates and saw that the last three letters of their plates (in BC our licenses are three numbers and then three letters) were EXACTLY the same.

So I was thinking this was pretty spooky, two of the exact same colour, exact same type of cars with pretty much the same license plate numbers when the light turned green.

Being a good driver, I glanced in my rear view mirror before I took off.

And, I kid you not, the car behind me?

Blue.

Toyota.

Echo.

Yes, I freaked out a little, especially when the car from the lane over moved into our lane and I realized I was completely sandwiched between three identical blue Toyota Echos.

Crazy, eh?

To The Checkout Guy at The Store

Dude,
You were so darn adorable, I just wanted to take you home and make you hot cocoa.
Thanks for the smiles and stuff.
Yours,
Victoria

Yay!

Happy Me Long Weekend everyone!

The sun is here and I'm absolutely giddy with it.

And with the extra super awesome three day long weekend of course.

Wooo hooooo!

Have a good one, and if you don't have sun or a long weekend, I promise to have extra fun just for you. 'Kay?

Kay!

The Men in My Life Who Are Not Bird. A Status Update.

1. Cute temp spy worker guy: I flirted with him, we all went out for drinks, I clarified my single status, he was surprised I was single, he has a partner* in another country he visits regularly. (I think. This information was whispered to me by a co-worker while he was making a phone call so I'll have to find some crafty way to confirm.)

*Single men should not be allowed to talk about having a "partner" as it makes one wonder what is meant. Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Business associate? Lover? Ex? Long term committed true love of your life? Or, if they're going to use the term, they should at least be legally required to insert their partner's name. As in, "My partner Julie and I" That'd help.

2. Runner Girl's Shy but Sweet Friend: We chat via email. We've tried to hang out a couple of times but haven't managed to as our schedules don't seem to line up well. I'll probably run into him again at some point.

3. Cute guy I've had a crush on forever: I've decided to keep this as a crush for now so as not to find out that he's less than I've dreamed of. Plus, I don't really feel like initiating a relationship right now. Maybe he'll suddenly remember how he knows me and will call up our mutual friend(s) and ask for my number. (Good dream, eh?)

4. Young Buck Co-worker, Runner Guy, All of my Exes: Disappeared, never to be heard of again.

I is for Incongruous

Incongruous
Adj: Not in harmony or keeping with the surroundings or other aspects of something

You know how sometimes things just don't sit right with you? When things don't work with how you feel or view yourself or someone else or the world?

I worry about the way we treat each other. It doesn't seem right to me. It's incongruous. It's not how we're built. It's not why we're here.

Light up the darkness.

Deal

I made a deal with a friend that we'd each give something up for a week that was hard to give up.

He said chocolate, I said "using the computers after 7:30 at night, AND sugar".

(Why I decided to be an over-achiever is beyond me.)

Giving up using the computer in the evenings has been really nice, actually... mellows out my brain. Means a few people wonder where I've been, but I think I may keep it up.

Giving up sugar, however? (Even though I'm supposed to anyway per Doctor's orders) IS FRIGGIN HARD!

Someone tell me this stuff's not addictive and I'll tell you all about my withdrawal symptoms and cravings and the fact that I may accidentally injure someone at work because I can't have my "first thing in the morning" candy or five.

The fact that I'm finding this so hard should be some indication to me that I's gots me a little problem with the sweet stuff.

Is there a Sugarholics Anonymous by any chance? Anyone want to be my sponsor?

Wait.... I don't think I want to quit!




Damn, it's worse than I thought.

They say that you're growing the most when you're struggling.

Or that you know you're changing when things are difficult. Or challenging. Uncomfortable.

They say that changing habits and patterns involves growing new neural pathways and that that's hard; feels odd.

No wonder children cry so much. It must all just feel so odd sometimes.

I've been going through a lot of personal. . .whatever you want to call it these past few years and I'll be the first to say it's not easy. And it's not exactly fun, either.

Some of it has been documented, in part, here, with the hope that something I say will resonate with someone out there and will help them in some way. I like that about the internet; you can connect with people through words and you realize that we're all not so very different in some ways, while still being utterly unique creatures.

I find that I'm just a little low at the moment. It feels like every time I get into a relationship situation it throws me back a bit and I lose some of what I'd gained in terms of being truer to myself and being happier. Calmer. More grounded and centered.

I think now, more than ever, I need to be single. Very single.

And that's going to have to be ok.

To the Older Gentleman at the Gym Today

Dear Sir,

While I'm happy that the girl you're currently seeing is not a slut, I think you should know that there are some conversations that are more suited for your buddy's living room or the local bar and this was, most definitely, one of them.

Yours sincerely,

Victoria
(The girl on the treadmill two down from you who kept having to turn the volume up on her iPod)

H is for Holiday

I was asked a challenging question this weekend, but have decided (after much thinking) that my favourite holiday spot is probably the Mayan Riviera, Mexico.

What's yours?

Truth

I know I sometimes wish I had a partner to cuddle with and hang out with and be in a relationship with, but I have to say this too...

I love going to bed when I want, reading as late as I want and being able to sleep on both sides of the bed.

I also love waking up having grabbed my teddy bear at some point during the night and knowing I got good hugs from someone who loves me.

G is for Grandparents

I didn't have Grandparents around when I was growing up.

It's not something I ever missed, particularly, because I didn't have anything to compare it to.

I've talked a couple of times here about not knowing about having kids, but lately, the only time I find myself wishing I had a husband and baby on the way is when I think of my parents. It sounds odd, but sometimes I think I'd like to have a child just so my Mom and Dad could be Grandparents to my baby.

I'm figuring that having a child isn't something you do for someone else though. But I guess I hope that if I do decide to have children that my parents are around to enjoy it.

Since I don't have any significant Grandparent memories to share, other than talking to my Grandma every Christmas and Mother's Day, what are your best memories with your Grandparents?

Hi

I have nothing to say except that my weather widget tells me it's raining outside when in fact it's very very sunny.

This strikes me as odd.

Hmmm, know what else would be odd?

If every time you thought "hmm, that strikes me as odd" something hit you in the head. You know, striking you.

You ever feel like you broke the internet?

Pride

I am extremely proud to be a first generation Canadian* and love both my homeland and this country I grew up in.


Canada's a wonderful country and I love the gentle joy I find here. We are good people.



What's the *best* thing about your country?




*meaning my parents immigrated here from another country but I was born here, and get to have dual Citizenship, yay!

A Couple of Things

First of all, I got the giggles at the dentist today.

I randomly something funny that happened at work and once I started giggling just. couldn't. stop!

I *honestly* had to make myself think of sad things like dead puppies, but then fact that I was forcing myself to think of dead puppies struck me as funny.

Thank goodness the hygenist cleaning my teeth was understanding.

And quick.

Second of all, Blogger has introduced advanced publishing, or whatever they call it; so that you can write a post and have it post itself at a certain time in the future.

I used to so wish it had this feature, but now that it's here I don't know if I'm going to use it much, if ever because it disturbs my routine of writing a post the night (or a few nights) before and then publishing it before I leave for work in the morning.

I kind of like that routine because it means I publish in the morning and then come home from work and check for comments to answer. I worry that if I let Blogger self-publish I'd get out of the routine and would forget to read comments, which is one of my favourite things about this whole site.

It's funny how I assumed it'd be awesome if it was here and now that it is I'm not so sure. Maybe I'll still use it if I go away for a couple of days or something, but that would feel weird to me; like I was writing but not actually there. Ghost writing. Spoooooooky!

F is for Food

I have an interesting and complicated relationship with food, as many (all?) of us do.

In a lot of ways I think I'm lucky that I'm not heavy. I've eaten badly for a long time and have been a huge fan of junk food. I also tend to eat when I'm upset and as we know, that can get you into a lot of trouble.

For those of you who've been around a while and pay attention to my non-relationship rants, you may remember me mentioning a couple of times that I had something "wrong" with my stomach.

The latest in my series of adventures trying to find out just what this something was led me to an allergist who's got me on a food-restricted diet (heh, I just typed "died" by mistake, my fingers make the best typos ever) for a couple of weeks. All of a sudden, my complicated relationship with food is made even more so.

No longer can I go into the cupboard and grab my favourite treat or snack, for a couple of weeks I have to avoid...well, pretty much everything I'd normally eat, and certainly all snack type foods.

It's been hard being on this "diet". I can't go out to eat, (hence me meeting Bird at a pub and not being able to order anything) I can't randomly reach for something, I have to check every single ingredient in those ingredients lists to make sure I'm not eating the thing my Doctor thinks might be causing my stomach pain. It's really really weird to be doing this because it's made me realize how much I take food for granted; how much I take being able to choose what I eat based on what I feel like eating for granted.

It's complicated trying to think of something you'd like to eat that you're also allowed to eat. It's a good thing that this town's got a lot of "alternative" grocery stores so that if I find out there are certain things I can't eat, I'm sure I'll be able to find substitutes. (Did you know they make goat yogurt, for example? You do now!) I'm just not sure there's a good substitute for the stuff I really miss: candy and chocolate.

I've been told that after the first week, the sugar and chocolate cravings will die down, but right now I feel for everyone who's ever gone cold turkey quitting something.

Dude.

And, it's been hardest after a rough day, or when I'm feeling down to think that I don't have any food I can turn to for a little comfort or a pick me up. Because, as much as I love fresh fruit, that apple just isn't making up for the chocolate bar I'd really like to be eating.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this food thing (or with this post, really) but I'm hoping that I can take a whole lot of good out of the experience and learn to treat my body better and learn to eat healthier and more mindfully.

I'm also hoping I can go back to having some of my favourite snack/junk foods again at some point. All in moderation, of course.

Sunshine Makes Me Giddy You See

So there's this guy who comes in to do contract spy work for us every once in a while and he's pretty cute. (We've all agreed on this, the spy ladies)

He emailed me through work after he'd been in to check on some spy stuff and clarify a few ninja type questions he had and I thought that was pretty cool since usually contract workers don't bother to follow up with us once they've gone.

He's emailed me now each time he's come in to work in my area and when I was off work at a doctor's appointment, he emailed to say he hoped I was feeling better soon.

This simple, polite email made me feel quite giddy and giggly and I can't tell if it's because I was lying, relaxed in the sun when I read it, or if it was because a boy emailed me and I'm twelve years old again.

Probably a combo, eh?


Updated to add: Damnit, nevermind. He emailed another co-worker too, no more girlie fantasies there.

Goosebumps

Discovery Channel - Boom De Yada

This video, which I first saw on Angella's site, gives me goosebumps.



How cool is our home?


How cool are people who work on/with/for it?


I'm going to go ahead and answer those two questions for you: Very.

F is for . . . ?

When I first sat down to write an "F is for" post, the words that came to mind were. . . . less than appropriate, shall we say?

I found myself only able to think of words that started with F and ended with "ing" and would make people blush, giggle, be offended, or, alternately, call my Mom. None of which seemed like a good plan.

But really what does F stand for for me right now?

I'm drawing a blank on F words that I want to talk about. Fashion? Nope. Furniture? Nope. The Bay of Fundy? Never been there. Fish? Not really.

Oh, hey! I thought of one! F is for Fans.

I know, it's a little lame, but next time you're travelling, especially if you're travelling somewhere warmish, take a fan with you. You know, one of those paper folding fans? They're totally awesome when you're somewhere with no air conditioning or breezes and you think you might faint like the southern belle you really are. And you wouldn't believe the jealous looks you get when all the hot sweaty people realize you have your own, portable breeze.

Well, I'm assuming they were jealous looks. I wasn't really paying attention, I was too busy feeling cooooooooooooool.

Updated: Aaaaaand just after I finished writing this post I realized that F is for Food, of course! So, maybe another F post if I get around to it.