Excuse my French on This One

I was driving home from Teh Work the other day when Pink Floyd's Time came on.

(I just have to interrupt myself here for a second to say that Pink Floyd is one of my top four favourite bands, and Dark Side of the Moon is one of the greatest albums ever. If, for some reason, you don't already have it, go get it already. Seriously.)

As I was listening to this song for the four hundred gazillionth time, I realized that all of a sudden I was getting a whole different take on the lyrics.

Here's the part I'm talking about:

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
I used to hear this part of the song and think "damn, I've missed so much, my life isn't where it should be and it's all just so......sad" Which isn't entirely surprising since a lot of Roger Waters' writing is pretty dark, especially if you're interpreting it from that angle. Which I had been for years. (I still remember the first time I listened to the Wall's closing song and finally heard the hope in it rather than the pain I'd always heard. It's good to know that you can change, you know? Nice.)

(Holy smokes do you know how long it takes to write a post when you keep getting yourself off on tangents? For. Ever!)

As I was driving along I realized that those lines "No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun "used to really ring true with me. But all of a sudden, it struck me that ten?, fifteen? years ago, someone shouted in my ear "RUN! You've missed the starting gun, RUN!" and I did. I ran.

I ran full steam ahead into life, got my degree(s), got my job, nearly got a husband, did it all. Because someone told me it was time to run, I had to catch up, I'd missed the starting gun.

Now, all of a sudden I heard those lyrics and I stopped*.

"Why am I running?" I asked myself. "Why am I caught up in racing somewhere?"

This isn't a race I chose to be in. I just ran because someone told me to.

"Society", in all its incarnations, told me it was past time, it was already too late.

Fuck that, I say.

I'm out. Y'all go race your race. I'll be over here enjoying my life from my own path. Thanks for the thought, but next time someone tells me to run, I'm going to ask what the race is all about and I'm going to figure out if it's actually one I want to be in.

Life's too short to just keep running blindly.

I'ma gonna play this my way now.

Thanks, Floyd.



Oh, and by the way, which one's Pink?**




*Metphorically, of course, I was driving after all, sillies.



**Obscure Floyd reference for those of you out there equally obsessed with Teh Boys.

E is for Elevators

Do people really have sex on them?

Don't they kind of make you sick with that stomach lurching thing?

And, do you, like....stop them mid-floor or something?

Am I missing something?

It just doesn't seem all that appealing to me.

Help me out here.

Funny You Should Mention That

So I had a bit of an up and down week last week. Work had big stuff that I was worried about (but pulled off nicely with some awesome help) and I've been all over the map with regards to Bird.

Ok, maybe not all over the map... I feel like I spent this week wishing things were different and trying to magically change them; like, maybe if I word things *this* way he'll open up about things.

Of course, I knew better, which made the self-pity and slight moping worse. So after feeling a little bit like I've thrown myself at this guy (exaggeration, I know, I'm allowed to exaggerate, it's my story!) this week, I've promised myself I won't initiate contact any more. He knows my number(s), he has my email, he even knows where I live. If he wants to be friends (or more), he can call me.

Sigh.

It's just that when you get to that point with a guy who's not all that interested in you, the "wait and let him come to you" point, it really gets driven home that he's not all that interested. At least when you're calling him and stuff you can pretend he's interested.

Yes, sometimes we really are that pathetic, us girls. It might be genetic. I haven't done enough research.

But anyway, I was on one of my downswings earlier this week and a mutual friend of Bird's and mine (holy smokes, that sentence made no sense) a mutual friend of ours came on line while I was noodling about in Gmail. (Gmail has chat, did you know? Neither did I!) We got to talking and I told her I was happy to see her since I was kinda down with boy problems.

"Oh," she says, " didn't know you had a guy, you didn't tell me!"

"I don't have a guy," I said, "just thinking too much about one."

"Hey, you know what's funny?" She says. "I've always thought you and Bird should get together, you're both so sweet."

I think I may have snorted with the irony.

"Funny you should mention that....I've actually thought that myself."

Oh Universe, you're so funny.

Sigh.

Strange But True Thing I Discovered Accidentally All By Myself #342

If you drink Sprite while chewing a certain type of mint gum it will taste exactly like a gin and tonic.

Knowing Better is Only Half the Battle

So, "walk away", say the instincts.

The instincts are pretty darn sure that following the whole Bird thing any further will end up in me feeling hurt and disappointed and let down, and then, most likely, mad at myself.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I can sit here and tell myself that Bird's just not that into me.

I can sit here and tell myself that while I was wondering about him, he was dating someone else.

I can sit here and remind myself of the ways that Bird seems to be a little bit of a bad boy and how he reminds me of DD and some of the other guys I chased when I shouldn't have.

I can sit here and *know* that I shouldn't go any further down this path with a guy who isn't fully, totally respectful of me.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I still have to do better.

But oh, the old habits and familiar patterns are so easy to fall into. And they feel so comfortable, even knowing that they'll most likely end up badly.

I promise you and I promise myself that if I don't start letting things slide in this next week? I'm going to take his number out of my cell phone for a while and I'm going to try really hard to be "busy" if he calls to hang out.

But damn, that's going to be hard.

What is it about the guys who don't want you that can be so appealing?

And why do they have to smell so good.

The Other Update

What ever happened to those other guys, anyway?

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, Runner Guy just stopped calling. Or emailing, or texting. The first time he said he'd call and didn't. I decided to be nice since we were "just friends" and sent him an email checking in and he emailed back but that's the last I've heard from him. I thought he might email while I was away, but he didn't, and I kind of figure if you don't notice when a girl's out of the country? You're probably not that interested in her.

Young Buck co-worker guy also hasn't contacted me again. I emailed him after we all hung out and thanked him for coming out and never heard back from him. I did hear, however, that he went out for coffee with one of the other girls who'd been at the pub with us so hopefully that'll go well for the two of them. Again, I'm maybe a little miffed from a politeness point of view, but I don't think it was in the cards for us anyway.

I've been emailing Runner Girl's "sweet buy shy" friend for the past month or so and we all hung out this past weekend. I don't really know what else to say there, so we'll just see if we hang out again. At the very least, Runner Girl's friends are cool people and I found out that I'm really not very good at Wii.

So that's it. Nothing terribly exciting, which is fine with me. No huge love life issues, which means no drama, which means I feel pretty sane.

Which is always good.

Bird Part 2

So, Bird and I are talking this weekend and he shares with me that he started, or had been seeing a mutual friend of ours.

Which is disappointing in and of itself, but is made triply so because while he was seeing her, I was wondering about him. Hello ego blow. Hello, I knew he wasn't interested in me. Hello, I feel stupid now.

But do you know the kicker for me? I had talked to this girl, as a friend, about Bird. To be honest, I don't remember how much I got into it, but I know there was a time, around New Year's where we were all together and I was talking to her about maybe liking him and I got this weird vibe off of her.

At the time, having read the Girl Code book from cover to cover, several times, I knew that if she was interested in him too, she would take the opportunity to tell me. But she talked about her ex and how she missed him so I wasn't sure what the vibe was about.

And then when I was so hurt by Bird not calling, I talked to her about it too and she bitched right along with me about what a jerk he was and how I wouldn't want to date him anyway because then it would be awkward when we all hung out.

And now I discover she was seeing him this whole time.

I've, honestly, never felt so betrayed by another girl before, ever.

I mean, we've all done it; liked a guy a girlfriend liked, but you either don't do anything about it or you let her know and ask if it's ok and how it's going to affect your friendship.

And, sure, I could argue that she and I weren't particularly close, but it's so hurtful to think that I was confiding in someone who was looking me in the eyes, telling me she understood, and the whole time she was trying to build her own relationship with the same guy. I don't get that.

I really don't. Where's the honesty. We're not in high school here. We're not in Laguna Beach either, for that matter.

And I sort of knew that a friendship with her wasn't something I was going to pursue even before New Year's because I'd talk to Bird and our friends and she'd have asked them all to hang out and do something but the phone call wouldn't have made it to me. And the girl radar in that situation pings and says "chick is trying to horn in on your man" even when the man's...well, not yours. I had that vibe from her, but thought she wasn't like that, and thought that for all the times we talked about her ex there was no way she was dating someone new. It didn't even occur to me that she might be lying. There was just that odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

So sitting there last weekend with Bird and hearing all of this I didn't know what to think. Of her, of him, of myself.

And of course I spent a few minutes beating myself up for being all gooey over a guy who had shown no signs of interest in me. But it's hard to stop feelings that are already there.

And the instincts? They say walk away. Be friends with this guy, maybe, but only if there's no emotional, physical connection that's going to mess you up.

Just Breathe

So, Bird.

Sigh.

I've known Bird for a while now and while we don't really spend a lot of time together socially, we run into each other about once a month or so and it's always nice to hang out.

I feel really comfortable around Bird, and I've always been really straight with him about where I'm at and how, while I was attracted to him, I didn't want to "get together" with him because it was a habit I was trying to break, and oh, I dunno, the little fact of him never responding with a "gee, yeah, maybe we should take a shot at a relationship" or anything.

(Hi. I'm not making sense, I know. Just pretend I am, okay? Thanks.)

A few months back, Bird and I made plans a couple of times to hang out one on one, not with our normal group. I was looking forward to it because at the best I figured it could be the start of something and at the worst, I knew it'd be cool to hang out as friends.

But then Bird didn't follow through on our hanging out. And I got disappointed and hurt and, I guess, frustrated that I'd considered putting myself out there emotionally with someone who would just not call when they said they were going to.

So I went through a rough time of feeling frustrated and feeling awkward and bitter when I had to see him and then I decided to just move on; that he wasn't worth it.

And then I started hanging out with Runner Guy. (Who, by the way, has just stopped calling or emailing. And while I'm not entirely surprised, it still seems a little rude and sudden to me, but..."whatever" as the girls from The Hills might say)

But I missed the closeness Bird and had and the friendship we'd started so when we were all hanging out last month I got up the courage to pull him aside and say "Hey, what happened sucked and I'm hurt and I thought we were starting to be friends." And so we talked it over and hugged and made up and it was really good to clear the air although I never really got a clear understanding of why he hadn't followed through, I really didn't feel it was worth hashing over and creating drama about. So I moved on.

And started having feelings for Bird all over again, but not in any way that was uncomfortable, just in a sort of back of my head "I wonder if he'd be a good guy to date, he sure is attractive and gives good hugs" kind of way.

And then Bird got hurt. Ended up the hospital after an accident kind of hurt and all of a sudden this big guy was all vulnerable and in pain and something snapped in me and all I wanted to do was kiss it all better for him.

I know...such a girl, right? Damn.

So we decided to hang out and I was reluctant because he didn't follow through last time, but was also willing to give him and our friendship another shot. (With that voice in my head also talking very loudly about all the "and what if's", of course.)

So last weekend we grabbed a movie and hung out at my place. And after the movie and some innocent (no, really) snuggling, we talked for a while. And this is where the post should really. I just had to give you the background story.

More Bird talk tomorrow...and probably the next day. This one may take me a few days to get through.

I'm not teasing y'all, I just really don't want to make you read a ten thousand word essay, you know?

Plus, this apartment won't clean itself.

Hold off on the yelling at me for a few days, would ya? My head kind of hurts today and I'm not sure I'm up for the wrath of y'all.

Random

Hi.

My name is Victoria.

I need you to do one (or possibly more) of the following:

-stop me from continuing to watch Season 2 of Laguna Beach on mtv

-love me anyway as I continue my obsession with Laguna Beach and The Hills even though we both know it's warping my pretty little mind.

-warn me that my instincts are probably right on when it comes to dating Bird. (I'll know who Bird is. You won't. That's just going to have to be the way it is for now.)

-remind me that there really is no need to call Smith and point out that I don't think I can find his email or phone number anymore anyway.

-take away some of the junk food from my pantry closet.

-not be confused with the fact that I just told you I was in Cuba, yet this photo is from Mexico.

-explain to me just how old Santa is supposed to be. I mean, I know he's all ageless and all, but he must have frozen in age at some time. Is he in his 60s? 50s? What...

-clean my apartment so that I can sit on the couch and write some damn posts already.

Finish This Sentence

When I hear my neighbours having sex I _______________________.

My Holiday. Point Form.

I went to Cuba.

It was awesome.

I've always wanted to go, so when the opportunity arose, I jumped at the chance.

Its capital city, La Habana, (Havana) is one of the most amazing, most interesting cities I've ever visited. I'll have to go back, I had no idea.

I was surprised by how lush the land was. And hilly. And green. Did I mention the trees? Everywhere?

It wasn't at all what I expected but somehow still was everything I'd expected.

I snorkeled for the first time since I was a teenager and I'm very glad I did. It was an 85 year old British man that convinced me I must; he said it was some of the best snorkeling in the world.

I met some very cool people and re-reminded myself that no matter where you go, we're all just the same when you get right down to it.

The music was fantastic. We don't dance enough around here.

I feel incredibly lucky to have experienced this country at this stage, I don't know if things will change, but I'm glad I was able to be there now regardless.

Much much more to say, many many more pictures to post but I'm still catching up with things.

Traveling will do that. . . but it's oh so very worth it.

Life is good.

Instinct

I'm trying to trust my instincts more when it comes to relationships and the men I choose to be in relationships with.

I didn't do very well with this in my last relationship. My instincts told me early on that this wasn't someone I wanted to trust my life to, but I focussed on the "what might be" instead of what was and I focussed on the dreamy promises and feelings rather than what was actually happening.

I'm not going to do that again. Or, I'm at least going to make sure I'm checking in with my gut regularly and figuring out what it's telling me, or trying to tell me.

I'm not sure runner guy's that interested in me. It's in the way the emails and phone calls have dropped off. It's in the way he's no longer going out of his way to make time to see me. And that's ok. I'm going to listen to my instincts on this one and I'm not going to push things and I'm just going to see where it goes; or doesn't go. I'm ok with it. I didn't rush in to things so I won't be hurt if he isn't interested in pursuing things.

My instincts seem to be telling me that he's not the right guy for me right now and that I should just let things slide. Because these things have a way of working themselves out and there's no need for me to force happy endings where they don't belong.

Going to keep on checking in and trusting those instincts. That doesn't mean it's easy. But it does become clearer as you slow down and listen.

What are *your* instincts trying to tell you?

Ur Blog. I Ated It.

I spent this whole weekend trying to catch up with stuff and while I managed to read all y'alls blogs (and man were you busy) I didn't manage to get any of my own posts written.

Nor did I manage to catch up on the work I was supposed to do. Or clean the dust bunnies out from the corners.

I mean, there was napping to be caught up on.

And family to see.

And friends to call.

And The Hills to get addicted to and watch three whole seasons of.*




*What? It's not my fault. Runner girl made me do it.

Delicate Petal That I Am

I bruise forgetfully.

No, that's not a typo. I have a friend who bruises super easily, (in first year, we used to flick her arms just to see how fast the bruise would come up. . . .we were weird that way.) but that's not my thing.

See, I end up with bruises and have no idea where they came from.

Usually they're on my legs and I just figure that I walked into something (usually the sharp edge of my bed/table/anything) and "walked it off."

But today I woke up with this massive bruise on my hand.

Make an "L" shape with your thumb and first finger, then draw a straight line down both. See where those lines converge? That's where my big ol nasty bruise is. And a bump. That I have no idea how I got.

Really, you'd think that something that made a bruise that big and left a lump would be something you'd remember, no?

My best guess is that I'm either so clumsy that I don't notice all the bazillions of times I run into things, or I'm running into things at work and pretending it didn't happen so as not to draw attention to my lack of co-ordination.

Or something.

It's just so weird. I can never remember the incident that gave me the bruise. Maybe I should start a diary:

Saturday, 4pm: ran into table while reading book on way to couch. Left shin.

Can't Breathe From the Laughing!

I just couldn't resist sharing this latest fantastic piece of spam with you:

Satisfy her wildest dreams with your new 9 inch bazooka.

Yes, please do. I often dream of bazookas in my bed.

Plus? It's such an awesomely hilarious word to say. BazOOOOOOka.

Wheeeee!

Wha?

I know I went on holiday and stuff.

The reason I know this is that I'm in this weird travel daze of kind of jet lag but not really is this reality and what sort of thing.

So no posts that make any sense right now. Probably.

Hi.

Anyone know what day it is?

So?

How was your Easter?

What did I miss?

I have to nap now.

That is all.

Leaving. On a Jet Plane.

I'm going away for a while.

A few days.

Or possibly a week.

And a half !

There will be relaxing involved, and this here page won't be updated for a wee while.

Anyway, play nice, don't let anything too exciting happen while I'm gone, and keep each other company, would ya?

I'll see you when I'm back.

I promise to take lots of pictures and have lots of naps, kay?

Happy Easter! (And St. Paddy's day, if that's your thing.)

Oh, and please please please? Eat your weight in Cadbury's Creme Eggs for me.

Smooches,
Victoria

Mother Nature's Son

I've been singing a lot in my head lately and having song lyrics pop into my head when I least expect them.

Like this photo, for example, I looked up at this big concrete post up the top of a local viewpoint, surrounded by Nature and sunlight and I thought "Mother Nature's Son". A Beatles song I haven't heard or thought of in ages.

It just popped into my head and it works. For me, at least.

So it's funny to me, sometimes, the songs that come into my head, the phrases, the choruses.

But, does anyone know why I've been singing Christmas carols? And, apparently, have been tapping them out at work with my pens and pencils when not paying attention?

Me neither. : )

Well, That Explains It

Hey, remember how I thought that hearing from young buck former co-worker spy guy was pretty randomly timed?

Turns out, not so much.

I was just catching up with my awesome former co-worker girlfriend and getting all gushy about her recent proposal and upcoming wedding. Once I'd hugged her and given her fiance the (highly un-necessary) stamp of approval, we started talking about other stuff.

I mentioned that young buck spy had contacted me and she said "Oh good, he listened!"

Um... huh?

Apparently they were at a spy workshop of some sort and he was eyeing up a pretty young spy so she pointed out that that lady was married and suggested he call. Or something.

Not quite as flattering as the random "thinking of you".

Traction

I don't know how to start this post. It's about physical attraction, which seems to me right now, a very superficial thing to talk about, but bear with me, I need to talk.

Once upon a time when I first discovered the internet I decided to meet up with a local fellow I had met in a "chat room". (I'm putting it in quotations because I don't really know what it was, it was years ago, really, probably close to 10) We'd talked a few times, nothing overtly sexual and I was curious to meet someone I'd only known on line.

He'd sent me a picture so I knew, or thought I knew, what he looked like, but when we met up I was surprised, and somewhat disappointed to see that he didn't match up with what I'd thought. (He also made some smart-ass comment about how my legs were shaved and he "knew what that meant" at which point I told him I really had to be going and that was that. I vowed I'd never meet someone in real life that I'd met on the internet again. But I digress.)

That same year I became very good friends with some other folks from the same chat area. After we'd talked for ages, they sent me photos (two of them ended up getting married) and it was, again, somehow disappointing when their photos didn't match up with the image of them I'd had in my mind.

It's like when you read and love a book and then go to see the movie version and the actors are all wrong. It's disappointing and things don't feel the same after.

The same thing has happened to me a few times since. When I saw Smith again for the first time after we first got together he didn't seem quite how I'd remembered. We'd talked so much on the phone and on email but somehow he didn't match up to the image I'd stored in my head of him. It took me a while to re-adjust.

I think he could sense something was up, he kept on asking me what I thought of him and how he looked, and were there any flaws I saw in him? Maybe I was looking at him differently and he noticed. Or maybe he was looking at me, not seeing the person he remembered and wondered if I felt the same way. Who knows.

I also remember seeing one of my Exes naked in the day light for the first time. I'd known he was a bigger fellow, but seeing his body exposed for the first time surprised me. It didn't fit with the image of him I'd had in my head. I knew, logically, that I should feel the same way about him and be attracted to him the same amount, but something shifted and I found myself less physically attracted to him. It wasn't a nice feeling for me and left me feeling as if I was this horribly shallow person who couldn't or wouldn't see through the flesh to the lover underneath it all. But it felt more instinctual than anything. It just happened. And it disappointed me.

More recently, I've had a similar experience with one of the guys I'm not dating. He's always appeared a certain way, but I got a glimpse the other day of what he "really" looks like. And it didn't mesh with the image of him I'd built up in my head.

So what is it with physical attraction? Is it learned? Can you grow to be attracted to someone you didn't used to be? Can you grow out of being attracted to someone?

I know with a lot of my friends, the more I know them, the more I think "damn, they're beautiful." And, really, when you get down to it, we're all beautiful when our souls shine through. But there is, especially with someone you're considering being in a relationship with, that initial physical attraction thing that guides things.

It's hardest, I think, to meet someone after you've talked to them on line or on the phone because they most likely won't look how you think. And it's also hard to be with someone long distance and only see them every so often because your mind's eye can only remember so accurately. But, apparently, it's hard too, to meet someone and eventually discover that they don't look the way you thought they looked, under all those layers. And, while you may not believe me, men hide under layers too. Ball caps, beards... (I remember when DD came back from his nine months away. He'd grown a beard and I knew things had changed. I knew it wasn't going to work. I knew he had something to hide, or was hiding from something.)

And, then, I always wonder, what about those times when you're just attracted magnetically to the person and you only realize later, that there's not really any "real" reason you should be.

Daniel Lapp. Case in point.

Physical attraction.

I'll never figure it out.

Razor of Mine

I realized the other week that I was on my last razor blade. And had been for a while.

I couldn't find the blades at all in the grocery store until I was at the checkout. Apparently they have to keep them behind the service desk counter because they're such a high theft item.

Go figure.

I didn't find my blades in my next couple of trips into local pharmacies, partly because I couldn't remember what they were called and holy smokes there are, like, four hundred to choose from, so I hauled myself out to Costco to get some on the cheap.

(Oh, and by the way? I saw Geoff Courtnall and his son at Costco. Yes, I nearly fainted thank you very much.)

But anyway, Costco didn't have my blades either so on the way home I stopped at the bestest, my most favouritest store ever, London Drugs. Ladies, you know how wonderful this place is, no?

And I stood there. In the aisle of razors. And I couldn't see my friggin blades. Not only that, but I couldn't see my friggin razor. I stared and I stared. I even double checked the name I'd written down, but nope.

Apparently they stopped making my razors and nobody told me. Big meanies.

So then the next debate was what to buy next. After some more staring and head scratching, I decided to do the wise thing and get the razor that had the cheapest refill (guys, seriously, how do you let them make you pay so much for these things?) and I ended up with the one with the soap surrounding thing.

This one, which has the rediculously awesome name of "Intuition." Because sometimes? Your razor just *knows*.

Or something.

The funniest thing about this weird soap razor blade combo is that I can't feel the blade. Maybe I've never been supposed to feel the blade, but I kind of like to. Is that weird? I dunno. But yes. I had to buy a new razor, when all I wanted was a refill.

And so I've been singing the Foo Fighters' song Razor all week now. And I think you should too:


Foo Fighters - Razor

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make a post.... out of nothing at all. Out of nothing at all.

Couched, Couch·ing, Couch·es

V. tr. : To word in a certain manner; phrase: couched their protests in diplomatic language.

Do you have any idea how much we do that? Pretty up what we're going to say in an attempt to make it, I don't know, hurt less?

I'm sorry, but...

I hate to have to tell you, but...

Can I ask you something?

I don't mean to be rude, but...

Can I ask you a personal question?

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

I know it's none of my business, but...

Sometimes, maybe it's necessary, and sometimes it helps make something difficult a little more polite, but sometimes I think people use these openers as an excuse to say something they really just shouldn't say at all.

I mean, really, "I hate to be rude..."? Okay, then don't.

Easy fix.



Or am I just over-sensitive?

The Time Change Makes Me Unsmart

Uttered by me this afternoon: Why is the mall closed? It's FIVE THIRTY? How did that happen...oh... right. Time change.

Uttered by me this evening: It's ten o'clock already? But! Oh. Right. Time change.

What will be uttered by me tomorrow morning: What the (bleeped out)? There is no way it's morning. (Bleep)ing time change.

Uttered by my brother yesterday morning: What's up with the time? The ships left the harbour at totally the wrong time today, what's up with that? (Um, dude? Time change.) How he missed it will forever be a mystery to me. A wonderfully amusing mystery.

Uttered by my brain on my way home last night: Hmmm, that sign hasn't adjusted their flashing clock sign yet, it's actually half past twelve. (Five minutes later) And, hey, look at that gas station, they didn't change their clock yet either. (Ten minutes pass) Wow, there's another gas station that hasn't changed their clock. (Nearly home now) This is crazy, the gas stations are all at 11:39 when they should be at 12:19, I can't believe they all (pause) (brain clicks into gear). Oh, that's not saying 11:39, it's the gas price; 113.9. I hang my head in shame.

Still not a fan of the whole time change thing

And Then There Were Three?

OK. Let me explain how I came to be shaking my head at the turn of events this weekend.

The turn of events that saw me hanging out with three separate single guys.

In one weekend.

Dude.

Wait...maybe it should be "turns of events". Does that make more sense? Feel free to use the phrasing that makes most sense to you, nothing much is making sense to me at the moment.

So, first of all it's Friday (no, not today, I do know that much) and after the week we've had at work we decide it's really quite necessary that we all go out to a pub to relax. And possibly drink. And eat cheesecake. And nachos.

And I thought I'd email young buck former co-worker spy guy and let him know that we were going if he wanted to join us. I know he'd previously said he'd much rather just hang out with me instead of having to get to know my co-workers, but I figured I'd ask anyway. So I did, and he said he'd meet us there. (Which, I have to say is very brave of him, much braver than I'd be.)

The way things ended up, he arrived last, just as our two youngest spies were arriving and so he ended up a couple of people away from me. He was very friendly to the two (younger, pretty) spies and I just kind of let him do his own thing. It was hard trying to join in to their conversation partly because we were cracking ourselves up down at my end of the table and partly because whenever I turned to join the conversation the three of them were having it seemed too deep for a Friday afternoon over beers. So, we didn't end up chatting much and I'm realizing now he must think I blew him off at the end of the evening.

As we were all heading home he was checking in with his friends to see if they wanted to go to a hockey game and he asked if anyone wanted to go, and even though he was looking right at me with these big puppy dog eyes, I didn't really clue in and said, nah, I was heading home to the couch. (I know, I'm lame, but dudes? Such a long week. Plus, I dunno, guess I just wasn't that interested)

In all fairness to him, he ended up being really friendly to two complete strangers and talking to them when no one else really was, so he's a good guy for that. And, I said to my friend who was with us that I can see this guy being a really attractive older man. I'm not sure how to explain that except to say that I can imagine running into him when he's 40 or 50 (etc.) and thinking "damn, he aged well, now he's HOT!" You know how some guys do that? Improve with age. (Not that he's bad to start with, I'm just saying... he's going to grow into his face well.) Good lord that sounds weird, but I know exactly what I mean.

So that was Friday.

Not mentioning the super adorable / hot guy at work coming up to me and reaching out to wipe the pen mark off my chin. Um, hello? Are you trying to make me faint? (Don't get excited, he's got a girlfriend. Long term. No possibility there.)

And then on Saturday morning, runner guy called me and we went out for breakfast. (Oh, Bacon, how I love thee) We had a good time and hung out together for a while before we both had to move on to other things. I'm still not sure how I feel about him, but we get along well and there's no rush. (Right?) (Right.)

Which leads us, chronologically speaking, to Sunday night when Spy Girl (she who set me up with runner guy, remember?) called me up and said she was having some friends over for dinner if I wanted to join. "Did I mention one of them is a single guy?" she asked.

"I'll be there in five minutes."

I wasn't really going to meet this guy, but I wasn't going not to, if that makes sense. Turns out it was her friend that she'd mentioned before, a nice, if somewhat shy guy and she figured the two of us should meet.

I was quite proud of myself, in all honesty, because I didn't think too much about it. I thought "Someone will cook me dinner (and I know Spy Girl's a good cook) and I like hanging out with her and maybe this guy will be nice and if not I'll get out of the house and have some yummy dinner." Nothing to lose, right?

I guess at some point after I left, either Spy Girl gave him my email or he asked her for it and he sent me an email and we've chatted a few times since.

Now let's re-cap and re-evaluate, shall we? I've hung out a few times with runner guy. I've hung out (with a group) with spy guy once (and haven't heard from him since even though I emailed to say it was nice to see him and stuff) and I've met Spy Girl's "sweet but shy" friend.

It's a very bizarre sensation for me to 1. be talking to more than one guy at once, even if I'm not "dating" any of them and 2. to not be totally spazzy and obsessing about what it all means. (Well, most of the time, anyway) This is all, all new and I have no idea how any of it is going to turn out. If it's going to turn out at all. Maybe I'm just meeting new people and making new friends.

There's nothing wrong with that. At all.

Now, if only I could keep them all out of my dreams. (Silly subconscious)

Oh Pig.

You ever have days like this?

Heh.

I May Have Drooled

Here's what I decided after watching the world go by while on the treadmill yesterday:



The only thing more attractive than a good looking guy in a well tailored suit...




is a good looking guy (with his suit jacket off) who is taking off his tie.




Oh. My.

I Could Be Arrested For Dumb...ery

So I was texting* back and forth with runner guy when he asked what I was doing after the gym.


"Not much... you?" I (oh so very) nearly texted back.


Do you see where things could have gone oh so very wrong?


Today's lesson, boys and girls? Grammar.


It matters.

*I know, texting is kind of an odd way to communicate, but I'm not a big fan of talking to people on their cell phones. Forgive me.

Absolutely Everything Depends on Your Answers!*

OK, I want you to think about this for a while, or maybe just go with your gut instinct, but however you do it, answer me the following:

If you were dying of some medical disease/illness/injury/whatever, where would you go and who would you have treat you?

Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital where House and team will diagnose whatever bizarre thing you have wrong with you?


The ER in Chicago, where the Doctors used to be seriously hot but I haven't tuned in in years so have no idea who's still there?


Sacred Heart, where JD and Turk will cheer you up while you laugh at Dr. Cox and wait for Ted and company to sing?


Or Seattle Grace, where the top, hunky surgeons will fix you right up while working through their own stuff?


Me? I'm totally going to Seattle Grace, not just because it's the closest, but so that Derek and Karev are more than welcome to fix whatever is wrong with me.... and then some!




*Or possibly nothing, but that doesn't sound quite so dramatic now, does it?

Hovering

Cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating.

I used to have a really clear understanding of what cheating romantically meant; a husband (or wife, I suppose) who went and found a lover and had sexual relations with them over and over until either the wife found out, or the husband asked for a divorce.

If only it were that simple.

Cheating, in my mind, isn't quite as clear. It's something that hovers in a grey area that maybe changes with each person's moral code. Not sure what I mean? Me neither.

I've met a few people who were in a relationship when they met someone else. Having met this person, and having felt a strong connection to them, they've ended the relationship they were in to be with this person. Cheating? Maybe.

I've had dates with guys who've then told me "well, really I shouldn't see you any more because I have a girlfriend." Cheating? Hell yes.

I've had a relationship that started with cheating, I've had a relationship that I wish had ended when there was cheating, and I've had a relationship that I would never have guessed involved cheating, but I'd bet you dollars to donuts now that it did.

At some point in the past I remember having a conversation about flirting while in a relationship. I suggested it was a form of cheating and that I didn't like it. I think the counter-argument was something along the lines of "it's flattering and fun and harmless."

Not for everyone.

I've never understood how you could be in a relationship and meet someone else and like them so much you have to end your first relationship to be with them.

If your connection with your partner isn't that strong, why are you still with them? Convenience? And if your connection with your partner is that strong, why are you hanging out with people enough to find them attractive?

I know, I know, I'm oversimplifying, that's what you'll tell me, but isn't right right and wrong wrong?

I guess the way I see it is that if you're with someone, you're with them. And until you decide you no longer want to be with them, you don't open yourself up to the possibility of even considering someone else. You don't think about how charming the guy in your office is. You don't wonder what it'd be like to spend more time with that funny girl from your gym.

I think if you're in a relationship and you find yourself starting to focus less on how much you enjoy being in that relationship it's time to think about leaving. I don't think you get to stay in it until you find someone better and then leave.

I'm ranting, aren't I? I can tell. What's my point, me?

I don't want to be in a relationship again where I know the person might just up and move on if he suddenly met his soul mate, or suddenly realized he had a huge connection with the girl next door. I don't want to have the thought in the back of my mind that he's hovering, happy, but keeping his antennae up "just in case".

And sure, maybe sometimes it just happens. Maybe sometimes it's the tail end of an already doomed relationship and the new person just shows up and seems like a perfect reason to end things and move on. But I can't quite wrap my head around how that's not cheating. So maybe it is.

And maybe it's cheating when you never quite get over your ex, and never quite let her go.

I dunno. Just churning through the thoughts. Mulling over the past, wondering about the future.

You know how it is.

Added later: No, none of the people I'm not dating have cheated on me, don't worry.

Impure Thoughts

I'm going to put this politely.

I think this year's crop of guys on American Idol is quite full of dishy dudes.

And that's all I'll say about that.

Dish. y.

Spinning

I think the hardest thing about starting a new relationship for me is the thinking.

The thinking that goes on in my head all the time. Even if I don't want it to. Even if I don't care.

I can't seem to meet a guy without thinking about him. Thinking and wondering if he's someone I want to be in a relationship with. Thinking about what that relationship would look like or what it would mean and where would we be five years from now anyway?

And the thinking gets worse because I start thinking on behalf of the other person. I start to make up reasons they haven't called when I thought they might or why they haven't made the time to see me when I'd assumed they would. But I still think maybe I'm right, even if I have no basis to think so other than the thoughts my own brain has come up with.

I think too much and I get myself all worked up into knots over things that may or may not be real. About relationships I may or may not want to be in.

About relationships that probably don't even exist yet.

There's just too much thinking and not enough "not caring." Not enough waiting and seeing. I can talk the talk, but my brain still thinks. Some days worse than others, of course, but still. I'd like to turn my brain into a Library zone and put up signs saying "Shhhhh. No talking."

It's easier just being single and not dealing with guys or dating or not dating. It's easier, that's for sure.

Footnote: Don't worry too much, I'm kind of just ranting out loud.

Dreamy

So I woke up this morning (not curled up with my laptop but thank you for asking) and thought "hmmm, that feels like a Spring morning blowing through my window"

You know, fresh and chilly without being cold and biting? The cold air has just a little bit of warmth to it?

And then my brain said "Yep. Happy March"

So, Happy March y'all.

I've got to go get used to my new keyboard now.

It clicks funny.

Ladies' Choice

Three hundred and sixty six.

That's how many days we get this year.

Cool, huh?

Ladies, remember that today's your day to go out and ask your man to marry you. Apparently if he refuses, there's a fine (anywhere from a kiss to a silk gown to $1) so really, what do you have to lose?

Plus, have you ever wondered if Leap Year babies count themselves differently? I know I would. I'd be heading in to White Spot until I was fifty insisting I was still twelve and under. Gimme my pirate pack dudes!

Anyway, happy 29th y'all.

See Eye Eh. (That's In Code People)

I'm about to watch Spy Game. Partly for the winning combo of Robert Redford and Brad Pitt, but also, partly to see how accurately it portrays my work.

Updated to add: Yes,at my work, the men are all that hot. But no, I don't personally do that much killing.

Spring Springs Eternal

I'm really enjoying the days getting longer. I mean, really.

I know a lot of people get really frustrated by the weather during winter, but that's never been a huge complaint of mine. I don't mind winter, actually, it's all about getting cozy and watching the storms.

I don't have much to say, however, about the short dark days. You know the days I mean. Some of those leave home in the dark, get home after dark days. Or the never get outside during the light days?

I'm loving looking out the window at 6 or 6:30 and seeing a glow still in the sky and I love waking up in the morning and not having to turn a light on to get dressed.

Spring is on its way and I'm pretty darn happy to see it.

No, Seriously. It's Going to Freak You Out!

What else is going on around here you ask?

Well, it's a busy time to be a spy right now, but you know I can't tell you why, so just trust me. Busy. I should be working RIGHT NOW, but instead I'm typing. And feeling guilty about the not working.

Also? I tried a neti pot, yes I did. You might have seen them on Oprah or maybe have totally never heard of them before.

I had a friend tell me about them and when he explained that it involved pouring water up one nostril and having it come down the other side I think I may have plugged my ears and sang "la la la la" for a while.

But he swore up and down and centre that it had cured, no exaggeration, all his sinus problems. So I Googled em. And decided it wasn't for me, what with the freaky video with the water coming out of the nose and stuff. But I also kept reading about how ENT specialists keep on saying they're the best thing you can do for your sinusus and how they're starting to recommend their use before and instead of invasive procedures and medications. But still, not for me. Nope. I don't even like getting water up my nose in the pool thank you very much!

But then I got a cold.

And I hauled out the Doctor-prescribed steroid spray (my Dad and I both have a tendency for sinus infections) and sat there, not feeling very much better, wondering just how much my body was enjoying the medications and wondering why my head hurt so much, hello side-effects.

So, imagine my surprise when I was walking through the local drug store (looking for razor blades, yup!) when I saw a whole neti pot display staring right at me. I'd figured I'd have to order one on line or go to a yoga store or some place where they sold crystals and prayer beads. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) And I figured I really had nothing to lose.

Seventeen dollars later, I'm at home psyching myself up to pour water into my nose. Without the help of alcohol or a cute bikini.

And I did. Followed the instructions all careful like and was only moderately freaked out when the (warm saline) water that was going in one side came out the other. Weird.

It wasn't really uncomfortable as such, just pretty darn odd. So I did both sides, wiped my nose and took a breath.

Through both nostrils.

At once!

No more stuffies, and even cooler, no more sore throat. Pretty much instantly. Something the drugs never managed to do.

I'd totally recommend it to anyone who suffers from sinus problems or allergies or colds n stuff. Very cool, very surprising. Very effective.

Not something I'd say I particularly find myself looking forward to, or anything, but it works so well I don't mind at all.

But dude, the video? Will totally freak you out. Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Ok, Where Were We?

So, quick re-cap, sports fans...

I decide to be single forever and ever after I try to get back on the proverbial horse after a breakup and discover that the proverbial horse sucks at which point I get asked out by a former co-worker and a guy my friend kind of knows. Following?

Me neither.

So I throw caution to the wind (hello, it's cliche day, how are you?) and decide, what the heck, I can hang out with a guy for a few hours, can't I?

After a few friendly emails, I gave runner guy my phone number and we decided to meet up. I thought a walk would be a fair thing to do so we did just that and went for a walk one Saturday.

It was fine. I was nervous. Very.

We hung out for a while afterwards and talked and I told him that while I really wasn't interested in the whole "dating" thing, maybe we could hang out. He said that would be fine and we left it at that.

As he was leaving, it struck me that it had been a fairly similar first date to mine with Smith. Casual, talking, nothing fancy. The thing that now freaks me out, quite honestly, is knowing that after spending just a few hours with Smith, I was inviting him into my bed to sleep with me. (We'll spare the gory details, shall we?)

It didn't seem wrong at the time, I've pretty much always, in the past gone from 0 - 60 really quick with guys. Maybe not "Hi, my name's Victoria, would you like to come see my bedroom?" but close enough.

Not that I've been with that many guys, really, but I've always been physical first and asked questions later. It hasn't worked well for me.

I'm sure there's some psychiatrist out there who could tell me the deep seeded reasons I have for doing this, but to be frank about it, I think I've just too quickly given in to... well, hormones, really. Lust, my Mother would probably call it.

And maybe there's nothing wrong with that, that's not my debate to make. I just know that once I've been intimate with a guy, I'm emotionally involved and in the past it's made it hard to end things, even when I knew in my gut I should.

I'm not really being clear, I know. It's just that I've always gone for a physical attraction and followed that up, believing that an intellectual, spiritual, human connection would happen later as we got to know each other. And, usually it did. But it also meant I found myself in relationships with people I really didn't know very well. And looking back on it, I'm glad things worked out as well as they did.

It's hard though, I'm a very physical person. I like touching and snuggling and all that other stuff. I just also know that I need to value myself and my body and my sexual....ness? enough to hold off until I have some trust with a person and am sharing something meaningful instead of just going at it because it feels good, so to speak.

But anyway, massive digression aside... I've hung out with runner guy a few times now and that's all I really have to say about it for now. Or for a while. We'll see.

I still haven't really responded to the former co-worker guy and am not really sure what I'll say. My brother always tells me to have two guys on the go at once. I'm not sure I can even handle not-dating one guy, never mind two. But these things have a way of working themselves out, so we'll see.

We'll just have to see.

Awwwwwwwwww!

So my buddy (Hi Buddy!) and I were chatting about my boy/dating/not-dating situation on Adium and he was telling me to just enjoy "it". . . . the whole boys asking me out when I've spent enough time complaining to him about there being no boys asking me out or some other such thing.

I told him that it's all just a little bit easier when you're only thinking about dating instead of having to actually work your way through it. And to close my succinct and wonderful discussion, I typed in a "sigh" to express my difficult, trying situation.

Buddy, being the steady, straight thinking guy he is, responded with "I think you just mis-typed 'smile'."

Awwwwww!

I told him that that was the cutest thing he'd ever said and that I was totally going to post it.

And then I swore him to secrecy since I don't have a blog and if I did I certainly wouldn't have told anyone I know about it. Right, buddy?

Right!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

We all know how much I hate change.

Well, ok, maybe we don't all know how much I hate change, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. I'm not a fan of change.

None of it. Do not want!

But, you know, along with Death and Taxes, the only sure thing is change, right?

Right.

I'm getting a new computer.

There, I said it.

It's not so much a matter of necessity. As in, my current computer's not dead or anything (oh, geez, knock on wood, I may have just cursed myself!) but the situation is such that I can get a new laptop without becoming poor and destitute. Good, right? Well, yeah, except I have to give up my old laptop as a trade-in of sorts and even as I'm typing on it right now I'm missing it.

This has been a really good machine and we've been through a lot together. I started my blog on this computer and stuff. Sure, this computer has had its ups and downs, (mainly, I believe, due to the crazy electrical in this building, or possibly the plutonium implants I have in my fingers) but that doesn't mean I don't love it so totally.

So, sticky keys and broken speakers and all, I'm gonna miss this buddy of mine. *sniff*

All this to say, if all of a sudden I disappear from your sites for a while? It means I didn't manage to transfer my bookmarks effectively. Or something. Or maybe it means I can't figure out how to open up the new machine.

We'll see.

Gets Me Every Time

I have a Simpsons quote generator in my widgets and this one quote from Grandpa cracks me up every single time I see it!

Grandpa: My story begins in nineteen dickety two, we had to say dickety because the keiser stole our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles.

And Then There Were Two

There's a gal who spent some time in our spy cave this fall learning how to be a super duper spy. We got along great and became friends. (After the required ninja-skills battle, of course)

So this friend of mine is similar to me in that she loves to set people up. I don't have much luck with this seeing as I only know a couple of single guys and, well, to be quite honest, my Buddy (hi buddy!) is tired of me trying to set him up with any girl he's anywhere near. Sigh.

But anyway, Spy Girl has tried to suggest a couple of guys to me after hearing all about my issues with Smith and declaring him "a loser" long before that thought came anywhere near my consciousness.

The first guy she thought of, she didn't pursue because she said, and I quote, "You're like me and I think you would scare him." I guess high energy random thought-filled girls aren't his thing.

The second guy she thought of she thought was great, but let me know that he had two kids. "I'm not going to date anyone with kids again, SG, thanks." She assured me that he was a really great guy and that I didn't have to worry about the kids because he never saw them.

Um, know what? That only makes it worse.

So that didn't go anywhere either.

And then I went through the crap with the thing and decided that there would be no more dating, no more relationships, for me ever again. Like-a so.

Fast forward a week.

I get an email from Spy Girl telling me about this guy she thinks I should meet. "Um, no. I'm not dating ever again thanks. Oh, and by the way I just kind of called Smith accidentally on purpose."

She emailed me back right away (ok, maybe that's all we do sometimes, is email back and forth back and forth) and said that was fine. She wouldn't tell me any more about this guy and I could just die old and lonely smelling of cat pee and calling up my loser ex-boyfriend. (Her words, not mine, but still, she got her point across effectively, no?)

"FINE!" I email-shouted back at her. "Tell me about this stupid guy!"

So she tells me about this guy from her 5 am running group (the mere idea of which nearly makes me faint) who is athletic and fit (I like athletic and fit!) and nice. ( I like nice!) She's pretty sure he's single and wants to know if she can give him my email. She sends me a photo of him and he seems cute so I say, with a dramatic email sigh, that sure, she can give him my email. But only because I don't want to end up a crazy cat lady.

So on the same day I get an email from the old co-worker guy, I get this short, friendly email from this runner guy saying that our mutual friend thought we might be compatible and would I maybe like to meet and hang out some time.

Does that explain why I was sitting staring at two emails asking me out? Wait, that came out wrong. The emails weren't asking me out, they're inanimate. You know what I meant, right?

Really Didn't See That One Coming

I know this is so last season, but Burke just left Christina at the altar and I'm totally crying over it.

Satiating Your Curiosity. Or Not.

So last week, some of you were chomping at the bit to know what was going on with the two guys and the email asking out and whatnot.

(What's that? You weren't chomping at the bit? Well, pretend you were, otherwise I've got no intro to this post.)

So, let's all settle down with a nice cup of cocoa and let Aunty Victoria tell her story shall we? Good.

Ok, so, once upon a time a girl named Me asked her boyfriend Smith for a break and then we stayed together and then Smith broke up with me and I was very very sad. Er. Angry. Um. Unhappy.

Fast forward several months and after a whole lot of thinking and introspection (no, really) I realize that I'll never be able to go into relationships quite the same way. This realization makes me realize (nice writing there kiddo) that I have no idea how to *be* in a healthy, normally paced relationship. (More on this in another post, I'm sure)

So I decide that it'd just be best if I didn't date or anything of the like for a while. I knew I'd have to get back into things eventually, but just wasn't ready. Still too hurt, I suppose.

And then I noticed that I was starting to think guys were cute again and having little imaginary crushes in my head. But still not wanting to date.

And then I met a really great guy through this amazing workshop I went to and we hit it off. We hit it off as friends, but there was always the slight hint that something else might be there. We started spending hours talking on the phone and hanging out with other people we'd met and I told myself that this would be a safe person to consider getting to know romantically. And maybe smooch.

We made plans to hang out, just the two of us, a couple of times, and each time he just didn't. Didn't call to cancel, didn't back out, just didn't. The first time I just figured he was busy or sick. The second time? I was mad. Mad at him, absolutely, but also fell back into the pattern of being mad at myself for "trusting" the "wrong guy". ("I know!" "Quotations!")

It just felt so harsh,that I'd been keeping myself emotionally safe and re-building my trust and this one situation blew all that to shreds.

Imagine, for example, if you had a fear of flying due to a crash you'd been in once, but you and your counsellor worked on it over and over and you finally get up the guts to take a small flight to see your best friend's wedding or something, and the damn plane crashes on you. Would you ever want to fly again? Hells no. (But you might want to write a song about it, no?)

So then I found myself FOR SURE not going to date or even try to be romantically involved with a guy ever ever ever again.

(Or, at least for a long while.)

And now, boys and girls, our story brings itself closer to present days. How's your cocoa, need a bit more?

But first, a flashback. *Lost style swooshy music*

A few years ago, a young(er) spy came to temp at our office. We (the girls and I) rated him on cuteness and such, but he had a girlfriend so wasn't of too much interest to us. That summer, young buck runs into my girlfriend from work and asks her out. She's amused and flattered, but after a coffee date, lets him know that she's not interested in dating for cultural reasons. I, by this time, have written him off because, dude? He asked my girlfriend out first.

At some point last year he emailed me and said that he'd always found me attractive and would I like to go out on a date. I mulled it over, still rather annoyed that I was his back up ask out, and sent him back an email saying that while I was flattered I wasn't up for that right now. He emailed back right away apologizing, saying that in the meantime (you know, the whole week or so it'd taken me to write back) he'd started seeing someone and maybe some other time.

Next time I heard from him I was going out with Smith and we laughed about our constant bad timing.

It was a complete surprise to me, however, to get an email from him, the week after I'd declared myself headed for the nunnery, asking if I'd like to get together and talking about just how wonderful he's always thought I was.

Um. Right. Except when you asked my friend out instead of me? (Bitter much? Me? Nah!)

I emailed him back and said that while I wasn't really up for dating, he'd be more than welcome to come hang out with me and my spy co-workers when we let our hair down after work some day.

I thought this was a perfectly reasonable idea seeing as I felt horror at the idea of having to go on a date and not knowing this guy, I'd be able to hang out with him in a relaxed environment while having fun with my friends.

He felt that this wasn't really an ideal scene for him, having to get to know five or six people at once instead of just me and explained that he'd really rather just hang out the two of us. He was very funny about it and promised to bring cue-cards to avoid any awkward conversational lulls. I'll give him that much, he's funny in his emails. For sure.

And, now I'm nearly starving to death because I've been typing this forever so I'm going to stop for a while. But to conclude, I haven't said yes and I haven't said no to this guy. I don't think I want to go out one on one with him but on the other hand, maybe I should. Maybe I should just go ahead and give it a shot? I don't know.

And that's only half the story. I haven't even told you anything about the *other* guy.

Dude

I think someone just got married.

Either that or a whole lot of people are really really happy about an accident.

Messed That Up, Didn't I?

This post is just to let you know that I won't be posting today.

Wait.

Never mind. Shoot.

Y'all?

Will you be my Valentine(s)?

Dear Internet,

It's Victoria.

Have you seen my black pants?

Because I have no idea where they are.







Updated several hours later to add:
Never mind.
They were in my closet.
Hanging with my shirts.
Go figure.

Line It Up

It was just over a year ago that Smith and I met, got together, and got serious, all in one breath, seemingly.

Most of you, if you've been reading here long enough, know the rest of the story, or at least the bits I shared with you. The outline, the Cole's Notes, the "based on a true story" version of our relationship.

And you know how it ended and you know some of the struggles I've been through, personally, trying to push through those struggles and move on from him and us and what might have been.

But you don't know it all, you can't. No one does, except for me, and I'm still working on figuring it out what it means and who I am now, because so much has changed for me since this time last year and I'm not who I was then and that's good. That's life. That's growing. It's good. It's better, it'll be better, but I don't know quite how or when.

And this? This now? This me? Has never dated before. Has never been in a relationship before. I have all these old patterns and habits and they're all I know. But I can't do them any more, I can't rush into something. I can't sleep with someone I don't know just because I want to. I can't be "madly in love" with someone I just met. But I've never not done it that way.

I don't know any other way and after a seriously lame experience last month where I started seeing a guy and talking with him and wondering about him and he just bailed out on what was turning into a friendship with possibility, I really felt I didn't have, don't have, the emotional energy to try to learn how to be in a relationship with the changes I've gone through. Maybe it was all just too much too soon.

I don't know.

I'm not sure this post is making much sense. I'm trying to start trying to make sense, you know? Am figuring it out. I think.

This post isn't about Smith. It isn't about the guy who let me down. It's about me trying to balance and center myself and trying to figure out why the universe won't just let me do that.

Sure, there's more to be said, y'all know that. But one post at a time people, one post at a time.

Updated to add: Damn. I used the same photo twice. Must be slipping!

X is for Xavier Rudd

There, I did it! Found an X title, minijonb!

I know, I know, I'm way out of sequence, (again) but I got so excited I just couldn't help it.

If you ever, ever get a chance to see this guy, go.

Trust me.



Xavier Rudd - No Woman No Cry

On a non-musical note, *this* man is the embodiment of what I want in my life; someone who lives in passion, who loves, someone who makes a difference and cares about humanity and the earth and knows how to be alive. I want to be with someone who knows how to be alive.

Uh

I'm sitting here staring at two emails.

Apparently when guys email you to ask you out you're supposed to answer them.

Sigh.

Y'all were right. As soon as you don't want to date any more, for real? They come out of the woodwork.

But I still don't want to date.

Anyone want to send a couple of emails for me?

Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta*

Sometimes a good movie is made great by its music.

Sometimes the music is the movie.

Sometimes my favourite part of a tv show is the music it introduces me to. I can thank The OC for showing me some stunning tunes. And Friday Night Lights? Not just cute guys, but a perfect theme song. One of the best theme song / intro combos ever. It'll break your heart.


Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand in Mine

What's a movie you love for its music?




*Name dat movie!

And May it Be A Good One

新年快樂!

D is for Democracy

When I think about Canadian music, the Tragically Hip are the band I think of first. Fully Completely is an album that will always be in my Top 10 and which defines a certain era of my life. Effing great album thank you very much.


The Tragically Hip - Fully Completely

"D for Democracy" however, is a song from another Canadian band, one that I've mentioned here before.

Spirit of the West is a great band and have had a number of kick-ass songs over a long career. I saw them in a small local club a couple of years ago and was blown away by their live show. These are guys who've been doing this (very very well) for over twenty years and you could tell it was their absolute passion. The show was fantastic and every time they played a song I realized I knew it. They're just one of those groups that get into your consciousness no matter what. They're Canada.

Their most famous song isn't even my favorite of theirs. It's a massive song, mind you and I've never yet been at a party where this song didn't stop the whole crowd and get everyone up and dancing. And singing. And shouting.


Spirit of the West - Home For A Rest

My two most favouritestest songs from SotW are probably "If Venice is Sinking"


If Venice is Sinking - Spirit of the West

and one of the greatest angry* songs I know,"Is This Where I Come In?"


And, of course, the beautiful "July", from which I've been getting some post titles.


July - Spirit of the West

But, I digress. When I thought "D is for...?", this song title sprung into my head. And there you have it. An entire post brought to you by the letter D.




D for Democracy - Spirit of the West

So go buy these songs already. Trust me.



* A song you sing when you're angry!

Look Beneath

I think we all judge people, I think it's hard not to. When we first meet people, we look at their appearance and we assume something. When we see people with chains and boots and bald heads, we assume they are angry and tough and scary. When we see people with dreadlocks and backpacks and hemp shirts, we assume they are hippy, travelers who probably smoke their fair share of special cigarettes.

I think what's important is that we're aware that we're judging and that we remain open to finding out about the person beneath the exterior; the person underneath the shell.

One thing that I'm going to keep in mind is that as well as mis-judging someone negatively, it's possible that I'm mis-judging someone in an overly positive way; he might be really good looking and charming, but that doesn't mean he's a good person.

I need to remember to look closer and not just cling to what I see and hear at first. Know what I mean?

I've Never Been Good At Following Directions

So Abstract Jenn was terribly kind and gave me a "You Make My Day" award the other day.

Part of the honour of this lovely award is that I'm to pass on the joy to five other blogs who make my day.

Dude. Just five? Shoot. All of a sudden it was like having to tell you which was my favourite Led Zeppelin song. Not. Possible. Too. Many!

So I figured I'd be a little different and point you to five awesome sites that, while technically not blogs, definitely make my day.

Maybe they'll make yours too.

Thanks for the nod Jenn!

And without further ado... some of the non-blog sites that make my day:

1. Pearls Before Swine comic strip. Makes me laugh every. Single. Time.

2. I Can Has Cheezburger? You'll either love this or just not get it. It kills me. In a good way.

3. Apple.com Movie Trailers. Weird, eh? I just love watching movie trailers. It's true.

4. Flickr. I check in daily and if I ever need inspired, I just flick through the Explore archives. Beautiful. I still remember how excited I was when I got to 100 views. It's stunning to me to think that people enjoy my photos. Flickr is really cool that way.

5. OK, this is another odd one, but I get a kick out of checking the weather. I'll often (especially in snow season) check three or four different sites, but the Environment Canada site is the only one I check daily. Again, I'm weird that way.

I Forgotted!

So Happy Groundhog day, um, a coupla days ago.

Here's a squirrel!

I wonder if he saw his shadow too?

Not that six more weeks of winter will mean much to us, here in Non-Snow Bubble land, with the cherry blossoms already showing up n stuff. But yeah, I forgot this year. Luckily, I didn't have to repeat the day over and over.

Of all the weird thoughts going through my brain right now, the one that popped into my head as I started writing this post was "hmmm, I wonder what's under people's beds?"

I have a pair of runners under mine. In case of earthquake. You know, to protect my tootsies form the broken glass.

What's under yours? Go look!

Balancing Things Out

I decided in order to counter-balance some of the chest thumping, beer drinking, testosterone sharing that's going on in North America this afternoon I'd do the girliest things I could.

So, here's a picture of a cute little baby animal.

And now I'm going to take a bubble bath, do my toenails and watch Season three of Grey's Anatomy.

No, really I am.

I may even eat chocolate and/or ice cream!

Imagine I Just Called You. This is my End of the Conversation.

Hey. It's Victoria.

Oh, not much. Well, actually, yeah. No.

I wanted to talk to you. I, um.

Well, I just called Smith.

No, I know. I don't know why, I just did.

No, I'm not drunk.

Or crazy, thank you very much.

No, I'm not trying to get him back. I just felt like calling him.

I don't know.

No. He wasn't home.

I wasn't sure he would be.

Well, it's Saturday night.

He's probably out.

I don't know, visiting his family? Friends?

No he's not on a date, why would you say that? That's a horrible thing to say! Don't you know that all of my exes turn into monks because they can't see themselves dating anyone after me? Why would you ever ask that, la la la la I'm not listening!

No, he's probably just with his folks. Seriously, I hadn't thought about that til you brought it up. Can we just pretend he'll never date again? Kay. Thanks.

Yeah.

No, I was totally nervous. As in, heart thumpingly nervous.

No. I hung up when the answering machine came on.

Well, what was I going to say? I can't leave a message, what would I have said?

I don't know why I called, I told you I don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do.

Yeah, I know. I'm not saying it was smart. No, I don't really know why I did either. Does it matter? I just guess I wanted to see what was going on with him. Plus, I would have called DD, but I can't remember his last name to look up his number.

Yeah. Maybe it's just the nostalgic blues. Oh well.

*pause*

Wanna go see Juno?

Get out more? I've been out enough thank you very much.

So what if it is Saturday , it's only 5. Maybe there's a wild party I'm going to and I just haven't told you about it.

No. There isn't. But I am going to the gym.

Hmm?

No, yeah, the back's better, thanks. So, call me tomorrow?

Um, yeah, no. Not even for the commercials.

Later dude.

February Waits For March To Spring Back Again

Wait...where'd January go?
Wasn't it just New Year's?