Deep Breath

Alright.

(Look, I managed not to just say "ok"!)

So as Jay was making his way back to Canada, we chatted at this airport and that.  It was cool to think of him making his way home, finally, after all this time, and still odd to try to wrap my brain around the fact that he was going to be here... like... now.

I think I got a little crazy asking him when when WHEN he would be in town.  He wasn't flying directly to Victoria, but needed to stop in Vancouver first to collect his things.  (He finished his last tenancy as he was leaving for his months away and hasn't yet started a new one, so he kept his car and things at a friend's.)  I wanted to know WHEN we would meet, and he wasn't exactly sure when, as he really felt he needed some time to get over the massive number of hours he would be spending flying and travelling and in and around airports over the day and a half it would take him to get here.

And you guys?  I try to be understanding, I SO do.  But I was so nervous to meet him, kept telling myself that no, there wasn't a rush, but yes there was a rush.  Because if things weren't going to work, I kind of wanted to know sooner rather than later.  And, well, if things were going to work, I kind of wanted to figure out if we enjoyed snuggling on my couch sooner rather than later. 

I really wanted him to just come to Victoria already.  He said he'd make that call once he arrived in Vancouver and so I let it go and sat there, trying to keep myself occupied until he arrived.

But when he did, I felt even crazier.

I mean, when he was still in the air it didn't matter.  But as soon as I knew he was on home turf?  Close enough that we could actually, physically meet if we wanted to?  I WANTED IT TO HAPPEN!  LIKE RIGHT NOW!

But, again, I wanted him to have space and time to, you know, sleep, rest, and not feel that horrible way you do after long flights.

Ok. (It's kind of all I can manage to pull out of my brain when I try to speak... "ok")

Ok, so it's possible that there was perhaps a technically inaccurate posting or two say maybe, you know, this weekend...ish... because Jay's flight arrived in Canada at the end of last week.

(I know, right?)

But see, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know how it would go, and so if it didn't go as well as I'd hoped, I didn't want to have to write out a post while I was bawling my eyes out with disappointment or cringing with embarrassment or whatever might have happened.  And if things did go well, I didn't want to be having to think about "gee, I should post about this" so I pre-scheduled a few posts and, well, here we are.

Jay is here.  Same time zone. Like, here here.  As in.  Not behind a computer screen.

Ok, well, yes, but I have to explain it all, except that my brain is oh so very overwhelmed right now so this may take a while.

And I can't promise it'll make sense ok?

Ok.

I Don't Even...

Ok.

So.

So, I don't even know how to, say words right now, really, because SO MUCH!

But, just so you know, I met Jay.  Jay and I met.

And I have to remember how to think so that I can tell you all about it.

But, yes. Good.

Ok.

Pinch me?

Crazy

So as Jay was making his way back to this side of the earth, we managed to connect while he was in layovers in various airports.

I don't know why, but it struck me as so completely weird, that I could be sitting here, on my computer in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada and be talking, via Facetime and chat to someone on their computer, thousands and thousands of miles away, sitting in an airport waiting area, surrounded by people speaking another language and just... so crazy.

Maybe this next generation won't be filled with the same feelings of awe, but I grew up in a household that didn't have a computer until we were teenagers.  Didn't have more than one phone, had to share just the one in the kitchen.

I grew up talking to grandparents and relatives in Scotland over a phone line that would have pauses in the conversation that would make it awkward, or that the lines would all be full, whatever that meant, and you'd have to call back when they were less busy.

And here I am, talking computer to computer, over... wireless...signals... halfway around the world, just like that.

So weird.  So crazy.  So amazing.

It makes my brain hurt that this is normal.

Just A Few

Not much longer now, you guys, really, until Jay's here.  And I'm (currently) remarkably calm about it.

I don't know quite why, and I don't know that I want to talk about it in case talking about all the things I'm not worrying about right this second makes them show up.  And I'd really rather they didn't.

Maybe it's because it's been so long in the coming or something, but I almost feel like I won't believe it until he's right in front of me, and I wonder if even then I will be not quite sure it's real.

I don't know what it's going to be like, to see, for real, this person I've been getting to know and have talked to but only over the phone or through a computer screen.

Imagine if Brad Pitt suddenly walked into your workplace.  Might you not believe it was actually happening?

I dunno.  I'm babbling a little here, I can tell.

But, yeah.

Soon.

Ish.

Taking a deep breath now.  And then a few more.

Well, That'll Be New

I went to a show last weekend with some friends and as we were all standing in line, I found myself thinking that it would be sort of awkward, and would feel.... weird, if Jay was standing there with us.

There are a couple of things.  Partly, I was in that line with people I've known for years.  A decade or more for some of them.  And while I maybe know Jay in a different way, I still haven't met him, and even when we do meet, I won't have known him for a decade.  So it's partly that feeling of being with people you've known a long time and with someone you don't really know or haven't known for long.

The other thing I realized is that I've never had to introduce a guy to my friends from scratch before.  All of my previous boyfriends were introduced to me by friends.  Or, in the case of my first boyfriend, or a high school boyfriend, we all kind of knew each other and hung out together before things became romantic.

So when I realized that I would be the middle man, so to speak, between Jay and my friends were he there, it felt weird.  And I realized it was because I've never really done that before.  I've never not had that someone or other who knew the both of us and could bridge the gap.

It'll be a new, and different experience for me to introduce Jay to my friends, (assuming we get to that point) because I'll know him, but I'll know them more.  Does that make sense?

It makes sense in my head but I can't seem to type it out into words that make sense.

Maybe it's a comfort level thing, I'm super comfortable with my friends, but I don't know yet how comfortable Jay and I are going to be with each other and so being in that situation, hanging with old friends and thinking of him being there made my brain feel weird.

You know?

Um.... Huh?

Oh, my brain.  What is your deal?

My dream last night / early morning...

I'm going to the gym for the Bollywood dance (aerobics?) class (which, no, my gym doesn't have one) and I'm running a little bit later than I'd like.

Which wouldn't be a problem but I still have to change for the class because I'm wearing my regular (work?) clothes and carrying my gym clothes.

Except all the change rooms (it's like a department store change room area) are closed or locked or something and the whole place is dark because all the other girls either got there early or already changed and I feel stupid for not being changed.

And then I find one room to try to change in except it's a medical exam room and I'm pretty sure I can't change in there.

But seriously, Bollywood dance class?  Not able to get changed?

What's going on brain?  What?

Never A Fan

I have never been a fan of change, which is unfortunate, seeing as it's the only thing that constantly, constantly happens, no matter what you want.

So I was thinking ahead to when Jay and I meet (and hopefully get along like a house on fire... or at least a house that is incredibly warm and prone to possibly small fires starting in the next while) and he's back in town, we won't, as far as I can forsee, probably have chats anymore.

Like, email chats and whatnot.  And I'll miss that.

It's weird to think that maybe once he's back we won't email each other all the time or sit down and have a chat.  And I guess that'll be replaced with phone calls and time actually together, but still.  It's been nearly four months.  I'll miss that.  It's become part of my day, part of my routine.  Wake up and see if he's emailed, or if he's online for a chat.... that might not happen once he's here.

I suppose it might, I know I'm jumping ahead into a future that doesn't exist yet, but still.  Change is coming, one way or the other, and it always makes me miss what I had, or have right now.

Sigh.

Go Figure

So guess what I learned today?

You can blow dry your hair backwards.

Or, at least, I can.

See, I'm trying to grow out my hair.  Well, not grow it out so much as grow it longer.

My hair's been pretty much the same length for what feels like forever, and I want to try it longer, see if I like it.  But it's taking SOOOOOOOOO long to grow.

But I've been told that's just my not seeing it, or something.

(But seriously, why does weight go on so fast and take forever to come off and hair grow so slowly?  Sigh.)

So anyway, I'm growing my hair longer and had to grow out my bangs (fringe, whatever) and I went in yesterday for a trim.

I told her it was really annoying me and I wasn't liking it and pointed out the stupid cow lick like thing it was doing.

She made a couple of adjustments on the cut and when she went to blow it try I said, well, I have to watch what you're doing to learn the tricks.

Now, I'm not really a girly girl and so I wash my hair at night before bed and blow it dry otherwise it's so thick it won't dry on its own.  And because I just want it done, I tend to just flip my head over and blow it dry that way for a while and then just wave the blow drier around until everything seems dry.

And I end up with weird cow licks and I just kind of go... meh.  I don't like my hair.

Turns out my hair is "very responsive" and will "do whatever [I] tell it to" and so by blowdrying from the bottom up, I've been telling it to look stupid, instead of holding the blowdrier over my head and drying from the top, as my hairdresser gets to do.

Apparently I've been blowdrying my hair backwards.  Or upside down.

Certainly in the wrong direction.

Guess I'll have to be a little bit less lazy until summer's here and my hair has a shot of drying on its own.

The things they don't tell you when you're in school, eh?

A Different Way

I feel like I have an opportunity right now to do things differently.  To love in the way I've always wanted to love; without fear... open and free.

I have gone through a lot since the last time I was in a relationship, I really have.  Perhaps the changes weren't obvious here, or perhaps they were, but didn't come out the way they felt inside.

The closest I've come to being in a relationship since Smith was Bird, really, and those were both five, probably even six years ago.

I've grown so much in that time.  Looked at so many things about myself that didn't work, worked at changing so many things that made me unhappy.

Am I perfect?  Fixed?  No longer in need of growth? 

No.

But am I the same person who was broken by Smith, all those years ago?

No. 

I feel like I'm closer to myself.  I know I love myself and like myself in a way I didn't know about back then.

I also know I can get through anything.  I already have.  And I've talked and cried and pushed my way through some very old hurts.  Things I didn't really know about, fully, until right around the time Smith and I were falling apart for the last time.

Bird was part of that, that healing, in his own way.  And the few crushes or hopeful dates I've had since all pushed and propelled me forward. Change sucks.  It does.  Growing, working through your issues and your baggage sucks royally.  Completely.

I have hurt so much these last years, but grown so much stronger through it all.

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."

Going through all that, and not being done, but being further, being stronger, being more human and more... me, leads me up to this point of being at the brink of a new relationship.

A relationship with a man who has, so far, shown himself to be in possession of so many of the qualities I am looking for and value in a partner, a lover, a friend.  And being at this point makes me want to do it all differently.

To not come from a place of fear.  To not hold myself back from loving because of all the things that might go wrong.

To not hold myself back from holding, or asking to be held because of anger or uncertainty.  To remember to breathe, and to live this new love from that place.

That calm place of connection and centeredness.

Will it be that easy?  To just want to do things differently and.... boom, it'll all be smoothly and easily that way?

I'm sure it won't be, but I think knowing where I've been, and where I want to be and where I believe I can be will give me that intention, and that may be even more than half the battle.

I am in a different place this time.  Now.  And I want to live this relationship from that place.

A different place.

Without all the garbage that likes to tell me how to feel and think and be and act.

Without fear.

As much as I can.

Credit

One of the things that just sort of slipped back into my mind was what S said when I first told her I was getting to know Jay.

She'd asked what was new, and I told her about Jay and that I was really enjoying getting to know him and that I felt that we had a lot of potential.

She was really happy for me, and then she did a sort of virtual happy dance (we were chatting on line at the time) and said you know, if things work out with Jay and you, you totally owe me!

Which, I guess I had forgotten!

You see, it was S who signed me up for the online dating site, whenever ago, while I sat next to her with a glass of wine, shaking my head and cringing.

Even if Jay and I don't click in person (oh please, let us click in person!) or if we do click but things don't work out long term (oh please let them work out long term!) I've still enjoyed these past few months getting to know him and feel giddy and happy and all those good feelings that come when you start a new relationship.

Jay and I will be re-starting a new relationship in a lot of ways, maybe in all ways.  But that doesn't mean that what we had over this time at this distance wasn't its own thing and didn't have meaning, because it did, and I know the two of us will always have that and treasure that no matter what happens.

So, yes, S gets the credit for Jay and I even knowing each other exist, because without her, I would most likely never have opened a profile on that site.  And I probably wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the last few months quite as sane as I have with her advice and thoughts.

You never know what's going to lead you in a different direction, so sometimes you just have to trust your friends and give them thanks and credit where it's due!

Here's hoping I owe S big time.

Stoppit!

I keep having to stop myself from thinking.

Ok, I should really be more specific, shouldn't I?

I keep having to stop myself from thinking about how it might be when I meet Jay.

Will I smile?  Will I want to cry?  Will I feel nervous?  Will I just feel happy?

Will I reach out for his hand, or will we give each other a hug?  Will we sit down close to each other or will we feel more comfortable with personal space?

I get a silly look on my face when I think of certain things, like hand holding, or maybe even kissing or hugging or cuddling, but then that train of thought quickly leads to, well yeah, but what if not?

What if... and all the bad, not so happy things happen?  And so I just have to kind of not go down the thinking road at all.

So there's a lot of me yelling at myself inside my head to STOP! going on right now.

Which, really, is kind of amusing in its own way.

But, yeah.  Shhhhh, brain, shhhh.

Seriously

I know it seems ironic... or something... to write this after yesterday's post about how my brain is full of many many thoughts, but still.  It is.  And so...

While I'm trying to keep myself on an even(ish) keel while counting down until the time when Jay and I can finally actually meet in person for realsies, I do occasionally slip into happy, giddy, I can't help but smile over it day dream type thoughts.

Like, I was sitting here just thinking about how it might be when we meet, and if we come back to my place to sit and chat and how that might turn into us cuddling on the couch.

And then my brain, being my brain, starts to think... do I even remember how to cuddle?

Like... it's been so long! (says my brain)  How does it happen?  What do I... do?

Do I... lean up against him?  Or beside him?  Or like... ARGH?

And the argh is usually the rest of my brain going seriously?  We're thinking about this?  We're WORRYING???? about this?

And then half of my brain shakes it's head at the other half of my brain which is actually still just trying to figure out the logistics of it all... because that's what it does... for better or for worse.

And so I end up sort of pep talking myself into remembering that I get hugs/cuddles/whatever you want to call it from my parents whenever I want them, and that Bird and I figured out the whole cuddling thing just fine and I'm sure it'll just work out.

But then some half of my brain (I'm never really sure which one) starts thinking about how nice it will feel and how it's always cool when you have your head on someone's chest and you can hear their heart beat and won't it be neat to hear Jay's heartbeat?  And then the other half of my brain is somewhere between wanting to roll its eyes and giggly and then a smile sneaks onto my face and I just kind of go with it for a  moment before the Cher part of my brain sort of gives me a "snap out of it!" mental slap.

And then I start thinking about being just back on the couch sitting with him and maybe he'll reach out and take my hand and then my brain and I get all giggly again and the Cher part sort of rolls its eyes and gives up.

No, seriously. 

I worry about not remembering how to cuddle.

Or I at least ruminate about it.

*shakes head at self*

Am I Really Different?

Sometimes I think I'd like to just pop into someone else's head, just for a moment, to see if it sounds any different from how it sounds in my head.

Like, does everyone have a million things spinning in their brain most of the time?  Or is that just me?

I didn't always wonder about this, but the other day, Jay and I were (video) chatting, and he asked me what I was thinking.

I told him the first five things that popped into my head, really surface level thoughts... "I wish I hadn't eaten that last orange candy because I have none left.  Where did my other black sock go anyway?  I'm not sure about such and such at work.  I wonder when Steve will email me back.  I'm glad it was sunny today." and then I stopped.

I didn't even get into the bigger, deeper thoughts, the where is this relationship going to go, where is my life going to go, I hope my parents are ok, what will I do when they're gone, I bet I'll miss them a lot, kind of thoughts.

And even just telling him those few thoughts I had, maybe not quite half of the ones spinning in my brain at that moment, he seemed taken aback.

"Woah. That's a lot."

Which made me pause.

"Why, what are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

Man.  If that's how some people go through the day?  Having moments of thinking pretty much nothing?  Does that make me .... really weird?

So now I just want a few moments inside someone else's brain to see if I'm the rule or the exception.

Time

I don't remember how many weeks ago (one?  three?) but Jay and I were discussing his work projects and when he might be returning back here.

He'd initially thought one date, and I got excited for that, and started counting down the days, and when I told him about my countdown calendar, he gingerly told me that it was looking like it might actually be two weeks later than that.

I was totally bummed.

Like, I just wanted to sit and cry, I had been so looking forward to our meeting, and now here it was, probably to be delayed... again.

Jay's flying to see his family in Ontario at the start of April, and so I resigned myself to the fact that he'd get back into town at the later date, be too jetlagged to meet, and have to fly out the next day, and so we wouldn't really get to meet for another entire month.

I was disappointed to say the least.

A few days after, though, he told me that it looked like things might not be the longer date, but that he wasn't sure yet.

I didn't let myself get excited.

I think somehow, having resigned myself to, well, there's nothing I can do about it either way, I just marked off two days on my calendar as "Jay might be home?" days and started counting down to the furthest away date.

I'm still not quite ready to let myself trust it, seeing as we all know how work projects can suddenly change or need re working or etc. etc. but it's maybe kind of sort of starting to look like he might be here... not too long from now at all.

Time is weird.

When we first started talking, it was a random amount of time until we could meet, and so it didn't matter quite so much.

And the closer it got to when he might return, the slower and further away it all seemed.

February? 

Longest month ever.

March so far?

SO SUPER FAST!

And now that I can maybe almost count the days until we meet on my fingers?  It seems like it's almost too close.

Which is why I try to just distract myself, while secretly still counting down the days.

And, now I think I shall sing me some Steve Miller Band.  Later skaters.

Awesome

We had a staff social (that I'm not allowed to tell you about, because then I'd have to kill you) a few weeks ago and one of my awesome co-workers really enjoyed herself, and I offered to give her a ride home.

As we drove towards her place, she decided she needed to give me some (slightly drunken) advice.

Which turned out to be awesome.

Victoria... Victoria?  I have to tell you something.

(I was worried at this point that it was going to be something I didn't want to hear.)

Ok, sure, go ahead, I can't wait to hear it.

Victoria?  I know that Jay is coming back soon.  Might be date X, might be date Y, but he is coming back soon.  It's D day.  Right?

Right.

Ok, so.  You see.  I have to tell you something.  There has to be a sexual attraction there.

Ok.  Sure.

Because, you see.  I've been married for 23 years.  And I still want my husband's (censored) !

Awesome!



Because, seriously.  Not only is that awesome advice?  It's awesome that she (they) still feel this way, and awesome to know that she's still happy and that, well, anyway.  I thought it was awesome.

You go girl!

Finally!

I was, genuinely, honestly excited when I got my latest piece of spam email.

You see, I'm kind of bored of the usual "enlarge your manhood" emails, and the casino ones don't even get read anymore.

The hot hot girls who can't wait to talk to me also just go straight into the spam bucket, but this last one?  Oh, this last one I actually read.

You see, a really rich guy from Nigeria finally emailed me!

And he has all this money that was left to him, something to do with the royal family or something?  And he thought I seemed like a nice person and he wants to give it to me!

And because of the exchange rate or something to do with the banking system there, he just needs me to send him some money in order to get things going!

You guys.  I never actually believed this email existed.  That it was real spam.  I just thought it was used as an example.

But.  I finally, actually got the email, and I was totally stoked.

I'M GONNA BE RICH!

I promise not to forget you when I am y'all!

Vince, Vince, Vince

I had another, uncomfortable-making text conversation with Vince last week.

He apologized the next day, said there was no excuse, but still...

He asked me if I'd be more comfortable with him coming over if Jay wasn't coming home soon.

I told him it made no difference to me.

He asked if we couldn't pick the conversation back up about ... what we talked about. 

I told him no.

He said he wasn't wanting to act on it, just talk about it like we had, like two adults.

I told him no.  It wasn't fair to his marriage.

He said things aren't always black and white.  But that he'd drop it, sorry.

I think, honestly, I'll feel more comfortable when Jay is in town.  Not that it'll make any difference to me, but maybe it'll make a mental difference to Vince?

I don't know.  Like I said, he apologized for it the next day, but I feel it was inappropriate for him to bring it back up at all, and I really wish he'd deal with whatever is or isn't going on in his own relationship.

It makes me sad that they seem to be so unhappy but don't seem to be doing anything about it.

Or at least that's how he presents things.

And I just listen and nod and tell him I think he should talk to his wife.

And it's what I'll keep saying until he listens.

Shrug.

Off A Jet Plane

One day last weekend, when Jay and I were discussing his likeliest return dates, he asked if I would want to meet him at the airport.

"Would you want to meet me at the airport... or maybe that would be too weird?"

And I said, that if he needed me to, I could certainly pick him up, but that yes, it might be a bit too weird.

And the reason I know this is because I vividly remember how weird it was picking up Smith at the airport the time he came back to visit.

(I don't think I've told this story before... I started looking through Smith archives to see if I had, but that just bummed me out, so I stopped.  Sorry if I'm repeating!)

What's awesomer, is that when I went for a walk with my friend this weekend, I told him this story of the awkward airport meeting, and he had an almost identical one from when he flew to Australia to meet his long distance... whatever you call it.

So I'd met Smith once or twice, maybe even thrice, and that last night, we went on a date, got together and became a couple.  (Um, yeah... ahem.  Hush.)

We then talked and emailed every day for the next month or so until he was able to take some time to fly out.

So we'd met, and I knew what he looked like, and we'd grown very close over the phone and whatnot, but when he stepped out of the doorway thingy, my first thought was "Oh.  That's what he looks like?"

I was weirdly disappointed that my brain had remembered him as much more attractive than he was in person. (I mean, he was still attractive, don't get me wrong.)  But he was, suddenly, a stranger all over again.

Despite all our deep, whatever, conversations, I'd only spent a few hours with this guy and suddenly he was right there.  And we needed to go to baggage claim.

And... what... were we supposed to say to each other?

I was so shy and it felt so awkward.  Should I hold his hand?  Did I want to kiss him?  (I imagine we kissed, but I don't remember it.)

And then there was the car ride home.  Small talk to be made.  And then knowing that no matter what, this guy was coming to stay in my place.  In my bed even.

This... stranger.

It was weird.

Not that things didn't settle down and become more comfortable, but that initial airport meeting?  Weird.

My friend told me he had almost the identical experience when he got to Australia.  A very awkward sense of, man, I know this person intimately through our conversations, but now that I'm here, we really are strangers.  And... what do you say to a stranger who isn't a stranger at all?

So.

How was your flight?

Apparently the car ride home was nearly an hour and he kept wondering when it would end.

On the plus side, he did say that once they got there, and, jumped each other, things felt natural pretty quickly.  (giggle)

I think what I ended up doing with Smith was just telling him.  Like, telling him that it felt really weird and that I didn't know what to do with myself.

I don't think we jumped each other, certainly not immediately, but I guess we worked through it somehow.

But, yeah.  I would rather that the airport not be the place where I first meet Jay.  I think it'll be weird enough to meet the first time without having to be in that particular space.

(Or maybe it won't be weird at all, what do I know, really?)

Phantosmell

Ok, so you guys always figure everything out.... so here's another one for you!

I have a spot in my apartment where I sit most of the time.  It's a couch, (why do I now feel like saying "duh"?) and it's by my windows and my head is at the end where the open window is.

Even when Vince visits, he doesn't sit on this couch (and yes, I have a reason for pointing this out) as it's really more of a lounger and there's no back to it, just the one... end.

So every once in a while (probably only in the evenings, when I think about it...) I'll be sitting there and I'll get a huge whiff of cologne.

Now, I don't even wear perfume, and my shampoo isn't manly smelling, so I have no idea where this scent comes from.

The clothes I wear on this couch are my loungy pyjama type clothes so it's not like I've worn them to work and hugged someone wearing cologne.

I suppose I could have hugged Vince while wearing the hoodie, but he hasn't been by in weeks and the scent isn't consistent.

So, oh you clever peoples, where is this smell coming from and why and how?

Fix it!  Help me!  I feel crazy not knowing.  (Well, crazier than usual I guess?)

Which Way?

I feel like I've said this before, but if I haven't said it before I've certainly thought it before.

I don't know if I should be fighting against who and how I am, or accepting it and working with it.

And I know it's not that black and white (one of my issues, needing things to be black and white) like of course there are things about me that I can constantly work to improve or better, but I mean, if I'm (as I am coming to accept I am) an anxious person, do I try to fight that and push against the anxiety, or do I accept that that's how I am and work around it.

Or is that the same thing?

If I get very excited about things, and then equally disappointed if they don't work out, do I try to make myself stay on a mellower level, or do I just roll with it and know that if I have a happy excitement, I might also have to deal with a sad low?

If people frustrate me, certain ones, do I just snap at them when they push me too far, or do I take deep breaths and try to let their meanness slide off my back?

I'm sure there is another way to be, and I know others whose minds don't run a mile a minute like mine does, but do I try to be more like them or just accept that this is how I am, and I'll never be that way?

I could go on and on, really, and I think, at least with the mind-spinning, I feel it's a battle worth keeping up.  A good fight, worth fighting, so to speak.

Perhaps that's part of what I need to remember too.  That because life is NOT black or white, it's not a matter of fighting until I get to the goal, but a matter of constantly making sure I'm pointed in the right direction.

I don't know, some days are better than others, and right now my worry stick is pretty full.  (Ok, that didn't make sense but I'm not going to change it, cuz I like it, so just roll with me here.)

Like, I guess you can't ever reach perfect calm.  You can only just keep practicing getting closer.

And stuff.

Ok

I'm writing this after the fact, so I'm calm now, but I had a nice little panic freakout yesterday.

It went exactly like this:  "What if Jay doesn't like me?"

I mean, not in a "Oh my life will be over if he doesn't like me" way, but more in a  "Oh crap, I do not want to have to have that awkward conversation where he has to sit me down and tell me he doesn't like me I would probably shrivel up and die and holy bleep this could be so embarrassing."

And, I mean, I could rehash all my fears about it here, how I'd feel utterly cringe worthy, and then would have to tell people it didn't work out and then have to realize that it didn't work out because while he liked me from a distance, once he actually met me, in person, he didn't like me and crap that might be worse than anything else, but I don't really want to rehash all my fears because I just want them to stay away as much as possible, or maybe completely.

It was good timing though yesterday, when I was freaking out, because my friend texted me to go for a walk and we got out in the sunshine and I told him all about my freakout and he let me babble.  And then I texted a few other friends and they told me not to worry, of course he'd like me.

And, really, that's what I needed to hear.  Because I don't need a reminder of the possible "reality check" reality negative ending, I'm good on that myself.  My brain comes up with those, like, all the damn time.  I just need, like... calmed down.

Do I believe my friends?  That "of course he'll like me?"

Not... all the time.

But the fact that they say that makes me stop and take a deep breath and calm down enough to go on without the panic making me feel like I can't breathe.

So that's going to be my focus for the next little while... the next... couple of weeks? (gulp) until Jay gets back here and we have a chance to meet in person.

To... not think about it too much, because when I do, I freak out, and that's no fun at all.

Sure, I'll be nervous when we do finally meet up, but I don't want to a) be nervous all the days until then, and b) be so so nervous that I'm nowhere near myself when we meet.

So.... yeah.

Staving off the freakouts.  That's the plan man.

And right now?  I'm ok.

(Ish.  Writing about it didn't help the calm.  Duh)

Ideas

I want to hear what you've done for yourself lately.  What little, or big thing have you done to be good to yourself?

Like those flowers.  I bought those for me.

Because they're pretty and I like looking at them and because I can.

(And then I also have something pretty to take a photo of too so it's a double, no, triple bonus, really.)

So what about it?  What have you done for you lately?

(Whoops, now I'm singing Janet Jackson.)

And

Just like that it's March.

And the time change is coming SO soon.

And Spring is right around the corner, even though we've kind of had it here for a while (and never really got a winter after all.)

It's one thing I notice doing Project 365, time just passes, no matter what you do. Even, I suppose, no matter how difficult the time is, or how long the days feel, it happens anyway.

And we're already into the third month of this year that I swear just started yesterday.

(And if I weren't purposely not mentioning it, I'd point out that it's been a long three months since I first started talking to Jay, and that three months ago I was so utterly nervous to meet him, and now that it's...closer... I'm just excited. Not without some nervousness certainly, but more excited than anything.)

(At least today)

(Good thing I'm not mentioning it though.)

Happy March y'all.

Well...

I suppose you want a Vince update, don't you?

Sigh.

Everything's been fine.

He's come over to have a chat now and then, to give himself a break from work.  It's helped, most times, for me to have someone else to bounce my insecurites off of, and I felt that we were on a decent page with regards to, yes... we're just hanging out, end of discussion.

Except.  (Don't you just always expect an "except" with this guy now?  Sigh.)  Except this weekend when I was at my craziest, and he had some thoughts about it which didn't really help, but then I talked to Jay and ended up feeling better about it anyway, Vince texted that I should maybe practice cuddling in preparation for Jay coming back.

And all I could think was "sigh."

Because, no.  I can't cuddle with Vince.  His wife doesn't even know we hang out.

And I wouldn't feel comfortable cuddling him anyway.

I used to love cuddling with Bird, was one of my favourite things, really, but even though I might have wanted more, there was no wife involved, and we hadn't ever been a couple so it wasn't complicated.

With Vince it would be.

And I feel like he'd be using cuddling as a gateway drug.

I guess it just kind of disappointed me.

I thought we'd been through all this and were just hanging out completely platonically.

And, sure, I have friends I cuddle with platonically.

Exes generally aren't in that category.

But maybe that's just me.

Le sigh.

Hey

You know what I haven't done in a while?

A What Went Well post.

I figure it's about time, eh?

Let's see.  What's gone well in the last little while... a non-comprehensive and not-in any particular order except what I remember first list.  By me.

I was having a lonely day at work last week and my best friend and co-worker Dee, who is currently off on maternity leave, showed up just before lunch and it was just what I needed.  A perfectly uplifting surprise!

I remembered a secret someone told me about tulips and how to keep them upright and have had non fally-over tulips in a vase on my table ever since C-Dawg got me some for Ballytimes day.  (No, not the same ones, I've had a few!)

I re-pumped up the exercise ball I use as my chair at my table and as I was doing so I had a few hilarious mishaps that involved air escaping from various devices and a blowing out of the stopper thingamy and I was giggling to myself the entire time.

C-Dawg and I bought Just Dance for her Wii and had a hilarious time trying out a few songs. 

I had a really yummy dinner the other night.

C-Dawg and I went out for sushi the other day and I tried something new (for me) and it was soooooo good.

The sunny days we've had have been gorgeous.

I'm enjoying the book I'm reading (or will probably be done by the time this post publishes) and I enjoyed the last one too.

I'm feeling really good right this moment, and that's a great thing to feel!

Screen Time

I know, I know, I'm trying to break my thinking obsessively about Jay streak, but I just had to say... one of the things that has really saved me in my moments of pure freak out upset crazy unhappy insecurity awfulness has been being able to talk to Jay.

I can't remember if I told you, which means I maybe didn't, but after we'd talked on the phone a bit, I felt comfortable enough to try a video call with him.

I felt silly at first, and was, of course, worried about flattering camera angles and things, but all in all it was nice, and made me smile to be able to see his face and his eyes and his smile, moving, not just in still, picture format.

As he said, when he suggested it, it was neat to see the other person's mannerisms and fit another piece of the puzzle into place.

(And, no, before you point it out to me, I know that video doesn't replace meeting in person and that just because we get along via video it doesn't guarantee a one on one connection but it's still nice, and feels more personal than email or chatting.)

Maybe it's because when we talk via a video call we don't get into heavy stuff, whereas via email or chat we do, or maybe it's because I can SEE him and virtually look into his (pretty, pretty) eyes.  Or maybe it's just that it feels more like hanging out.  Or maybe it's being able to sit and chat and have an almost for reals conversation.

(Well, I mean, it is real, but you know what I mean.  Almost but not quite in person.)

The other morning after a particularly rough day of increasingly upset (angry?) emails from me over a difficult topic we really shouldn't even be talking about seeing as we've never met and yes sometimes I think we're crazy and this sentence is so long I feel like I should just keep typing because it seems almost unfair to stop it now, he asked if I wanted to talk for a few minutes before I had to leave for work and we just kind of sat there, not having much to say, for a few minutes, I actually lay down on my couch and just mellowed, and wouldn't you know it, I felt so much better.  So much.

We managed to have a video call the other day too and I told him it felt like doing so filled up my sanity tank.

Which is just what I needed.

Seeing him makes me feel better.  More... ok.  Calmer.

Doesn't make any of the issues or worries go away, just makes me feel like I don't have to think about them or solve them or figure them out right that moment, or even that day.

Makes me feel like I can wait, and see, and maybe never have to worry about what I'm worrying about in the long run anyway.

It's just.... good.

It helps.

And I need that.

Month

This has been a rough month for me.  Mentally, emotionally.  Feelings-ly. (I just made it a word, shush.)  Difficult.

But Jay will also be back in a month.  Well, within a month.  The exact date is yet to be determined depending on work projects and the like.

What's been most difficult for me is the un stability (leave me alone I can make up words if I want!) of my moods.  Or my feelings.  Or my brain.  Or all of the above.

I can go through a day and swing from ok to feeling awful, or I can feel solid and secure and happy one day and wake up the next and be angry and insecure and afraid.

Part of me wishes I could blame hormones or something, but I think it's just my over-thinking more than anything.

I'm trying to answer questions I can't possibly answer without meeting Jay and spending time with him.  But for whatever reason... how I was brought up, how I was wired, how my circuits got formed, whatever it is, I find it hard to not know things.  I find the unknown terrifying.

Yes, it's a control issue, and yes, I know vaguely where it comes from and why I ended up like this, and sure, I'm hoping that I can learn to let go somewhat as this is apparently pushing all my buttons at once, but man, it's hard.

I felt crazy this week.

And only slightly less than crazy the week before.

And feeling crazy makes me feel even more insecure because who wants to hang out with crazy?  NOT EVEN ME!

Sigh.

I can't even explain it to you guys here, I just have hated how I've been feeling lately and I know it's all down to my head and my thoughts and that makes me even more frustrated.

Maybe I'll try to distract myself this week, talk about other things.  Or at least try to write when I'm feeling either up or neutral...

Or maybe this will just be an easier week all round, who knows?

But, yeah.

It's been a(nother?) rough week.

I won't miss February for its emotional rollercoaster-ness.  Other than that it was fine.

The Fall

One of the earliest memories I have of first starting to really like Jay was an email he sent me, fairly early on in our communication.

In our back and forth getting to know you, we'd asked each other why we both found ourselves on an online dating site, and what we were, ultimately, looking for in a partner.

I threw together an answer for him, what I was looking for in a guy, and his answer back still makes me smile to this day.

I remember also, not too terribly long ago now, him calling me in the middle of the night to reassure me about something that had really upset me.

We've been in very different time zones, you see, and that has meant that much of our conversation has been via emails that then would not be answered/read for another half a day.

And so I, going to bed very upset one night, was awoken by a call from him assuring me that all was well with us, and with him, and the fact that he did that, just to make me feel better was one of the moments I remember thinking just how much I really cared for this guy.

I think I can say it's been since mid-December that I've had really good, strong, positive feelings for Jay, easily since then.  I would tell you I love him but you'd tell me there's no way that's possible, so I just won't tell you.

These things happen in stages.  In degrees.  In moments.

The falling.

The spinning.

The being caught by someone who's also falling and spinning and then you settle, together.  Somehow.

You know?

A Conversation With Myself That You Are Now A Part Of

I often have these half conversations with myself, I think it's part of why I started this blog, actually... I figured I may as well be sharing these conversations "out loud" if I was having them anyway.

This conversation came about because I did, in fact, purchase a ticket to this year's Burning Man, and am currently trying to wrap my head around the ... everything... that's involved in my possibly going.

(Notice the disclaimer?  It's my escape route/hatch for when I start to get too overwhelmed with something.  In this case it's "I don't have to go if I don't want to in the end.")

I was thinking, in an off hand sort of way (because these conversations always seem to happen when I'm actually doing something else, like in this case, starting to get ready for a walk to the store and wishing I didn't have to put on pants to leave the house, but that's an entirely different conversation.) about how I would, I suppose, have to introduce myself to people, and how we tend to want to ask someone a) their name and b) what they do.

So I was mulling it over in my head and I thought hmmm, will I say "I'm a spy"  or will I say "I spy"? And then I started to wonder, how often do we describe what we are by labelling ourselves with our jobs rather than saying what we do for our jobs.  And then I realized that it would only work with some jobs.  Like you could say "I'm a doctor", but you couldn't say "I doctor."  That... wouldn't make sense.

Which made me start to wonder how many things you could describe by their... verbage?  You can be a lawyer, but can you "lawyer"?

How many of our jobs are titles rather than descriptions of what we do?  Does a "bank teller" tell?

A receptionist doesn't "reception" do they?

IT specialists... fix computer issues so why aren't they called Computer Fixers?

I don't know you guys, my brain has these conversations with itself all the time.  I don't actually know if there's an answer.

Can you verb-ize your job?

Like, are you a spy or do you spy?

You know?

I Know I Could Just Google It

But it's way more fun to ask you guys something than to google it!

There's someone who lives in my building and whenever they start up their car to leave it squeaks.

Well, to be more accurate, it doesn't squeak when they start up, it squeaks either when they first come out of park or take the emergency brake off or start to move, I'm not quite sure.  But it's a definite squeak.  Squeak, squeak!

What is it?

What's squeaking?

And why?

Tell Me Something

Why is it so darn satisfying to crumple up the stickie note when you've accomplished whatever the stickie note had written on it?

I'm always all "Ha!  Take that reminder!"  "HA!"  *crumple, crumple, toss in recycling!*

(It's not just me, right?)

Un-Named

I found the stickie note of Jay-related blog posts I made whenever back then it was I made it, and thought I'd take a stab at any of the topics that still felt relevant or important enough to type out here.

One of the things I'd nearly forgotten about was something that was happening a great deal, much to my chagrin, a month or so ago.

At some point my brain decided that Jay's name was so similar to DD's name, that I should start thinking of Jay as DD.

Now, I never called him DD when speaking to him, but when thinking about him, or even occasionally when talking about him to other people, the wrong name would slip out, or pop up.  And the more it happened, the more exasperated I became!

I mean, it's not as if they're anything alike, personality wise.  Other than them both being away for an extended period of time maybe.

And it's not as if DD was a good relationship to remember, or even that spectacular in any particular way, and if I'm being honest, it's almost as if my brain picked the poopiest of my exes to play the switcheroo with.

All I can really calm myself with is that their names are, sort of vaguely similar.  They're both two-syllables, and have the same ending sound.

Like, if one of them were Damon and one of them were Devon, that kind of thing.  (And, you have no idea how long it took me to come up with two names that weren't their real names but would work as examples.  I'm proud of myself you all!)

I told Jay about it, told him it was really upsetting me and worrying me because I didn't think of them as the same person at all and didn't want to be thinking of DD and didn't like that his name had attached itself to Jay.

Jay was good about it, admitted he nearly played a joke on me by signing an email "DD" and I told him that would have made my brain explode for sure!

But, yeah, that was a weird one, and not that Jay and I are necessarily going to end up having any hanky panky or anything, but man, it sure would suck if I used the wrong name at the wrong time, but at least he's been forewarned somewhat.

Just can't figure out why my brain's being such a meanie about it all!

Like I See It

When I had the... well, can we call it a panic attack?... last week about Jay, and my friend pointed out that I have a tendency to want to say "screw it all" and end things completely, be overly black or white about it, all or nothing, I made myself a note rather than deleting the emails of Jay's that I'd saved.

(Because, somehow, I figured if I never saw another word he'd written, it would be easier to move on from it all.)

I've found that when I'm really upset about something, I try to get to a point of asking myself is this me?  Or is it them?

And so I was surprised when I found the note because I'd completely forgotten writing it; must have written it when quite upset and emotional.

Here's the question I left for myself  "Is it that he isn't who I want him to be or that he isn't there when I need him, which is now."

And I guess what I meant is, I can't expect everyone to always be able to be there for me when I need them.  I'm not sure that that's fair or humanly possible, although it would be nice.

And so, was the hurt I was feeling more because he wasn't able to be there for me in that moment?  Because it felt like something bigger... something un-overcomeable.

And if I had, as my friend said "flipped the table" at that point, and walked out, cut my ties and burnt my bridges, I would never have had the opportunity to calm down, reflect, take stock, see my part and where I had over-reacted or reacted poorly or selfishly and get to the good place Jay and I are at again. 

I know most of this only makes half sense to you guys, and I know that's frustrating.  It's frustrating for all of us because then I see you guys trying to fill in blanks and you want to then save me from what I'm doing to myself, but I only give you half the story.  Sometimes less than that.

And I save a lot of it for more private conversations or private thoughts.  And I'm sorry for that.  Sorry I can't give you 100% of it all, but it's not just my privacy anymore, you know?

So I'm sorry for the filtering, and I just want to thank you for being protective of me and my heart, but you don't have to be.  I'm looking out for me, I am.

And I have good people in my life who are looking out for me too.

Not that you're not good people.  You know what I mean though, yeah?

I'm just saying.  Sometimes I have to call myself on my own shit.

And this was one of those times.  I just didn't know I was doing it at the time.

Teary

I don't watch American Football and I don't have cable, so I didn't watch the Superbowl and didn't see any of the commercials.

So I'm maybe behind the ball (no pun intended) here, but I've just seen this and I have always loved horses, but even if I didn't, I think I'd still cry over this one.

Which I have done each time I've watched it so far.



Budweiser Superbowl ad 2013 - Clydesdale Brotherhood 


Love.

Brain, Stahp!

Ugh.

I may have gotten less shy, maybe even a little more mature over the years I've been writing here, but that doesn't mean that my brain is any less annoying at thinking me into a twist!

See, I was at the grocery store yesterday and a hot guy pulled up into the checkout behind me.

Now, I say "pulled up" because he was in a wheelchair.  Which I noticed.  After noticing he was hot.  Or maybe at the same time, I don't know.

All I know is that I wanted to look at him because he was hot, but I didn't want to look at him in case he thought I was only looking at him because he was in a wheelchair and so I completely avoided eye contact even though I totally had already checked him out and ARGH why does my brain overthink the simplest of things with guys!?

Le sigh.

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

I'm not sure what to say here today.

I'm aware that for many single people, Valentine's Day can be a very sad, hurtful reminder of your single-ness.  So I don't want to rub anything in...

But I do have someone I care about this Valentine's Day.  Somewhere I can put that romantic love feeling.

And I don't quite know what to say about it without feeling like I'm letting someone down, or making someone's day sadder.

But it's funny.  Even having a ... Valentine I haven't become crazy nutso about the day like I used to be.  I mean, even last year, I wasn't terribly bothered by the day, even though it used to be such a hard day to get through.  And maybe that's just an age thing or a maturity thing, or having moved on from needing it to be a big deal anymore.

It used to suck being single on Valentine's Day, and It used to suck going through Christmas and my birthday and Valentine's Day without someone there.  But this year, I haven't had to.  And it's been.... nice.

Sure, not easy, maybe, the last week or two of posts have shown that, but still.  It's been better.  Better than in the past.

But today?  I don't need it to be anything big.

I mean, like I always say, would I be happy to have a surprise sent to my work or my home?  Sure.  Would flowers be turned away?  No.  But will I be ok if that doesn't happen?  If there's no brass band or singing gorilla sent to my door?  Yes.

I feel cared for, cared about, and I know there's someone who's thinking of me, and who likes what they know of and about me, even without having met me, quite yet.

I guess I feel like my heart is protected, even if things don't work out with Jay and I.  Right now, today, this week, I feel good about it all.

I feel love.

Which is a good thing to feel today.

But does it make me feel smug?  Or superior?  Or like I want to announce it to the world on this day of overly-dramatic expressions of romantic love?

Nope.

Just makes me feel safe, and calm.

And like that little bugger Cupid got his arrow wedged deep in my heart right when I wasn't looking.

Nice shot dude, high five.

So Happy Valentine's Day you guys.  Be you single, or married, or somewhere in between.  I love you, even when you are biting your fingernails nervously over my potential for getting hurt or let down.  I just love you because you're here and you're awesome and you rock my world.

Now, go eat some chocolate already, would ya!

Hugs all round*



*(And that.  Maybe that's what I'd most like this Valentine's Day.  A hug from Jay.  But that will just have to wait.  Be belated.  I'll get a belated V-day hug from him... soon enough.)

What I Learned

I learned something in a fairly spectacular fashion last night and I thought I should share it with you, my beloveds.

If you decide to make popcorn and slice some butter off of the... uh... loaf?  Bar?  The... thing of butter... stick?  Yeah, if you slice some butter off of the stick and put it in the microwave to melt, but it turns out that accidentally there was a piece of the butter stick wrapper, yes, the shiny gold metallic wrapper left on the piece of butter you chose to melt?

Yeah, that sucker will explode and catch on fire and make you think the world is coming to and end and you will gasp in the most gaspiest of ways because that's all your brain can think to do while you figure out how to turn off the microwave that now has exploding fire inside it and at no point did you think that would ever happen because you've never accidentally left some of the foil lined wrapper on the butter before.

Seriously.  I've never gasped quite so dramatically before.

GASP!!!!

Dude.

Flaming fire in my 'wave.


(And, yes, I still had popcorn.  With butter.  Sans flame.)

And Suddenly Everything Changed

There was a day there last week, maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday (it seems like forever ago now anyway) when I thought things were really through with Jay and I.

As in, we probably weren't even going to meet and I felt faint at the idea of things ending, and not happily either.

So I did what the most sensible part of me has learned to do, and instead of doing what seemed like the right thing to do (sending a bitter email back basically saying screw you, I'm done, good luck with life) I turned to some friends and said.... help?

I think what I said to them was something along the lines of... "I got an email, it's made me feel really shitty, and I don't know if I'm overreacting or what I should do/say/feel at this point.  Please help me?"

And they did.

C-Dawg, as always, offered support, and whatever food I'd like her to bring (I couldn't come up with anything at the time) and hugs if needed or wanted.

S (of B and S fame of course) was awesome.  Calmed me right down, showed me what was actually said rather than what I was hearing, and told me that if I wanted this relationship to have the potential to be a long term thing, I had to think in terms of being a best friend first, and that that meant sometimes putting the other person's needs ahead of your own.  Not all the time, mind you, but that it certainly seemed that this was one of those times, and that Jay needed me to hear that.

I have another friend at work who is really good at giving solid, neutral, helpful advice to me, and he told me, in general, that the issues were really on my end in this situation, and that my overreaction wasn't helping.

He pointed out that I have a tendency to see everything as black and white and that he felt I was looking at this situation as an all or nothing and that I was flipping the metaphorical table and walking away when really things were more of a grey area.

I actually sat in his portion of the bat cave after work that day in tears.  Not tears over what Jay had said or was saying, but tears over how frustrating it is for me to be stuck in this grip of "it has to be one way or the other, no in-between."

And somehow, at some point in that conversation, a flip switched back off for me.  Or maybe back on, I don't know.  I just know that a weight was lifted and I felt a million times better.

Between talking to my co-worker and S and knowing that my friends were there for me but weren't going to let me get away with being over-reactive in this situation helped.  And hearing that in life, and relationships it's almost never black and white re-set my brain.

I was able to take a step back from the panic I was stuck in.  To step away from wanting things to be perfect so I could relax, or getting the eff out of there, and like my friend said "flipping the entire table and walking away, done" that I felt like I could breathe for the first time, in maybe weeks.  Certainly that day.

I got back to Jay later in the day, much calmer, in a way better space.

"Let's not talk about relationship stuff until we've met.  Let's just put it aside for now and get back to just... talking, and getting to know each other, and the fun stuff like we used to when we first met."

There were a few other things I said, and needed to say, but the gist of it was, dude, seriously, let's just chill.

There's really nothing we can do for the next x number of weeks until we meet.  And there's not a lot of point in trying to figure out a future based on uncertainties and based on a relationship we don't 100% know will work in person.  So let's stop trying to figure it out already.

The irony is, I spent the first month or so of our relationship doing just that.  Being in the moment.  Enjoying the day to day.  Enjoying each day.  And then somehow I... we... slipped out of that, and got wrapped up in all the what ifs and the future future future of it all.

And even though I knew that's what I was doing, I couldn't see a way out of it.  We didn't *have* a here and now.  We'd lost even that, so what was I supposed to be enjoying?  And like you read last week, I was so so stuck in that.

I don't know, maybe I just finally got around to accepting my lack of control of the situation.  Or maybe I accepted the fact, again, that it might not work when we meet.  Or that it might, but situations and circumstances might not.  That I can't even control what will happen today, nevermind a month from now, or three, or six, or twelve.

Maybe I just got tired of the emotional fight with myself, and all the struggling and the butting heads.... within my own self.

But what a relief to feel all that gone.

I'm better.  So so much better.

And things won't change one way or the other until we've met.

And until then, we like each other, we care about each other, we enjoy talking to each other, and we think each other is (...are?)  cute.

My friends saved me.  Or, at least, got me to the point of saving myself much faster.

No, that's not true.  I don't think I would have gotten there without their insight.

I can breathe again, you all.

Amazing.

Sometimes it just takes a few simple words to make the weight of the world disappear.

And when you say those words, and get a reaction back that's even better than you could have hoped for?

Well then, it reminds you why you're so excited to meet this guy in the first place.

Check, Check, One, Two

I had this thought the other day as I babbled to myself about a "reality check" in reference to Jay and I and not talking about the future because too much was up in the air.

Is a "Reality Check" ever a happy, positive thing?

Like, is a Reality Check ever fun?  Happy?

Or is it only ever sobering?  Does it only ever make you take a step back, never a step forward?

What's the deal with that? 

Are there awesome reality checks too?

Thank You

A massive Thank You to whoever decided that British Columbia deserved another Stat holiday.

And that that stat holiday should happen now, in the middle of the dreary greys, when it has been so so long since a day off, and is still so so long until another day off.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am going to enjoy the bejeezus out of doing so much nothing today it's not even funny!

Happy Family Day!  Woo hooo!

Simmering

Of course things didn't get any easier at work this week, and it's hard to know if the rage I feel is from there, or from what's not going on with Jay and I or if they're just ganging up on me and making each other feel worse.

I'm doing all the right things.  Trying to sleep well, although one late night checking to see if Jay was online didn't help with that, exercising, and eating well.  But even going to the gym has only helped so much.

Either I've left sill angry, or I've gotten home, and had to deal with the work thing all over again and it's come all the way back.

I've done mindfulness too, and I guess all these things just take the edge off, but I would like to say not nice things to some people, and hey, do we all remember that I don't talk about work?  Yeah.  Right.  Ok.

I even had a drink the other night, the only thing that took the edge off my anger.  And then I just woke up feeling low the next morning, so hey, thanks for that Alcohol is a Depressant!

Sigh.

I need a break from myself I think.  Damnit.

Balance

Part of where my current frustration comes from with Jay and I is this feeling of unbalance.

Like he's going through a lot right now, and isn't able to be there as much for me because of it.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Selfishly, I don't like it of course.  But you can't be selfish in a relationship.

Can you?

So I want to let him have his crisis without pressuring him to be there for me, but then I start to feel like I need him to be there for me and then I don't know if it's my issue or if I'm being too demanding or if he's being too self-involved or if I'm overreacting or what.

I have, like, no idea here.

And that's so so frustrating.

I almost wish I didn't care about other people and could just be the crazy, demanding person I sometimes feel like, screw the consequences.  But it's all about balance, isn't it.

I'm just not sure how to find it with us right now.  Or if it needs to be unbalanced for a while.  And if so, for now long?

In The After

I feel like there was a "Before The Email That Changed Things" and an "After."

And all the things I wanted to tell you about Jay and I before that, seem less important now.

I have a list, actually, of posts I was waiting to write about Jay, and things, and now I look at them and all I feel is the wall I've put up.  The wall I'm still not sure if it's necessary or just an old self-preservation habit that doesn't really help at all.  I know it doesn't feel good, whatever it is.

We've had glitches along the way, certainly, things he's told me or let me know about that would, quite honestly, freak me out.  And I'd tell him, hey I'm freaking out, and he'd be there for me and would reassure me and I'd breathe, and think, and often, get really weirdly good advice from Vince and be ok with things again.

But this time, Jay shared his living concerns with me, and I lost it, pretty completely, and he wasn't able to be there for me.

He's got too much going on, and not just with his uncertain future, but with his current work piling up on him and me wanting to talk/chat/email with him all the time all just got to be overwhelming for him and he asked for space.

And because I was still feeling unsettled from the email, the week to myself, not sharing my thoughts with him was harder than it might have been.  And for crying out loud, can we all just talk about the elephant in the room that all of this would be WAY way easier if we were having these heavy, big discussions while living in the same damn city?  Sitting on a couch in a living room, or even talking on the phone a ten minute drive away from each other?

Because they would be.

And if no one's mentioned it to you before, email is not the greatest form of communication.  There is no tone, no subtlety, and so when something difficult is said, there's no eye contact, or hand to hold, or shoulder to cry on.  And add to that the fact that after an email comes through there will be a half a day or more before a response can be written, it means way too much thinking time for my over-active brain and imagination.

And as a girlfriend pointed out to me last weekend, I maybe could remember to take a breath before I respond to an upsetting email.  To make sure I'm not just reacting.  Or at least to figure out what I'm reacting to.

Gah.

It's not easy, the distance.

As someone said in a comment the other day, it makes things feel bigger and harder than they probably actually are.

Which sucks.

I'm not good at thinking.

Or, rather, I'm too good at thinking.  Just not in helpful ways.  Man, even just typing this out is making me feel like my head will explode.  I'm going to have to do some relaxation after this for sure.

I know I'm not making sense, you all, I know I'm not because I can't even make sense in my own head.  I can't even explain to my friends what's going on, and I'm not even sure I have the words to tell Jay, although I'm trying, and finding them is easier after the week away from it.

"New Normal"

Not even there yet.  A normal would be nice.

Just in a different space than we were in for the previous six or seven weeks.  Those weeks were all about getting to know each other and falling for the people we were getting to know.  Those weeks were all about feeling love and connection and sharing and wow, so very awesome.

Now I'm in this strange space and just wanting to be through it.  Not yet seeing a light at the end of any tunnel, but this too shall pass, yes?  Or change, somewhat.  Or something.  Or end, eventually.  I suppose.

Man, I dislike talking about this.

Which probably means I should talk about it more.

Sigh.

Ugh

I really feel like I'm just talking nonsense here.  Just trying to see if anything comes out that makes sense, but I'm still in this weird haze of... weirdness.

So very unsettled.

There are things about Jay that I wish I could talk about, maybe even need to talk about, but that should stay private between the two of us.  Things, even, that he's asked to stay between the two of us specifically and I want to honour that request.

Of course I have things about him I'm uncertain about.  Things about who he is or how he's lived that are so different from my life that I will have to wait and see how I feel about us when we're an "us" before I know if I can really feel settled and safe with them, or if I can't quite get there.

And of course, I have my own issues and insecurities that I'm having to deal with and confront and work through around my own self worth and relationship baggage and history and bad habits and fears and just so much stuff.

I hate to turn into one of those people who says the things that are so damn annoying to hear when you're single, but being in a relationship has its own set of troubles and difficulties and concerns.

You have to think about how what you're doing/saying will affect someone else.  And you have to figure out where you're coming from and why.  And you have to try to see where they're coming from and if where they're coming from isn't healthy, how you'll handle that.  And you can't just fall back on your old, bad, habits, as much as you want to, even when you're tired and things would just be easier if you could have them read your mind already.

I'm not who I was last time I was in a relationship.  At all.  But those habits and unhealthy ways are still in there and like to try to come out to play, especially when I'm pushed too far out of my space, or get overtired, which I do, when there is such a massive time difference and I try to stay up late and get up early just to grab some time to connect. 

When I think about it, I think with Smith, I just wanted a relationship.  I wanted a relationship so bad, I ignored the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country.  I just wanted to be loved and to love.

And with Bird, I loved the connection and understanding we had and wanted that to become something other than what it was, which was not much at all.

With Chad, I loved being with him, and how much he made me smile and he was so super cute, I wanted to ignore all the other things about him that made me pause.  I just wanted to date him so much.  To stop having to date at all, really.  But I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, didn't feel ready for that, and was scared.

Now, with Jay, it's different.

It's about how close and connected I feel to this person.  And the potential I see for us building a life together.  It's about letting someone into my life, and wanting to understand them and their life too.

I do want a relationship with him.  Not just a relationship.  One with him.  I want to get to know him and to have him get to know me.  I want to go on adventures with him, big and small.  I want to go out and see a movie, go for a drive on a sunny weekend day.  I want to snuggle up against him on the couch and do nothing.  And, yes, I want to lie naked in bed with him and rediscover what it's like to be intimate and sexual with a lover.

The only thing I've done backwards with Jay is not having met him first.

The rest I've done correctly.  I've gotten to know him, and like him, and even love him, and that's the first time I've done that.

I want to meet him, so I can put all of this together into the person standing in front of me, and see.

It's starting to feel like it's been a long time coming, meeting him.

Unknown

So Jay.

Or, perhaps, more to the point, Jay and I.

I, of course, want to document as much as possible here, so that I can look back on how things all began, or at least look back and see where I was right to be anxious, if things don't turn out the way I hope they will.

And of course, that's part of any relationship, I suppose.  The not being entirely sure of the future, and wondering if letting someone into your life is worth the future potential pain if things don't work out.

I remember with Smith, at least looking back on it now, never feeling happy, or secure.  Never really feeling settled and hopeful for a future because I didn't see how it would work, if neither one of us was willing to move, and if we'd spend a mere handful of days together, who would want to move anyway?

And with Bird, even, there was always me never knowing where he was coming from, or what he was thinking, or never being able to take him at his word, or rely on him, even though when we were together it was good, and I felt comfortable and safe when I was with him.

So of course with Jay there's still the rather massive unknown of us not having met yet.  And not really knowing how we will feel about each other when we do meet.  If there will be that spark, or if there will be enough of what we know of each other to see if a spark will grow if there isn't one there.

But even with us not having had the opportunity to meet yet, there are aspects in each other and in each other's personalities that we both like, and see potential with.  But, of course, there are still things we don't know about, and many of those are to do with the future.

Jay is looking to change careers, and of course that's a massive stress and uncertainty for him.  There is, I suppose, because of that, an uncertainty about where he may end up living, as he will need to go wherever a new job or career would be.

And, of course, this freaks me out.

Like, freaks me right the bleep out.

Pushes all my buttons, all at once, because here's someone I want to see if I can have a real relationship with, and see potential for an awesome relationship with and he may not end up living here.

Of course, he still may, but that uncertainty was enough to put me on a ledge the other week when it came up in an email.

There is already so much about Jay that is unknown to me, and so much I am worrying or wondering or freaking out about, and this one put me over the edge.

I feel like I took a thousand steps backwards, and probably closed myself off and up a fair bit too, just because it was a massive reality check that I didn't really want to have.

There are all these things that I can't control, and for a control freak as massive as I am?  It's so hard.  And so terrifying.

I really lost my mellow, and it felt awful, and I've been struggling to get it back ever since.

Jay and I, I think I said this, or maybe I only dreamed I said this, but we hashed out a few things this weekend when we did get time to chat, and one of the things we talked about was the fact that there's an aspect of us having fallen for the idea of each other, because we maybe can't know the real person until we get a chance to meet.

I think that's a bit more on his end than on mine, because I think I always had this in the back of my mind.  Or maybe I didn't, and the living situation email was what brought me back to a harsher reality.

Not that Jay and I meeting each other is going to fix everything.  But it will clarify a few things, I think, and will give us time to figure out how we feel about each other once we get to know each other for real.

In the flesh.

For now, though, I need to remind myself something along the lines of if it's meant to be it will be.

I just really want it to be.

And there are too many unknowns right now to feel the same confidence I felt a month or two ago.

Which is not a great feeling to feel, quite honestly.

Begging Your Pardon

I'm sorry, but that was a pretty shit week.

I gave Jay his space, and was fine with it for the first few days, but then started to feel unhappy about it but still wanted to give him his space so didn't say anything about it, even though he was sending me a short email most mornings.

It was, hard, I'll be honest, but what I realized this weekend was that what was hard about it was not being able to communicate with him, honestly and openly.

See, since we first started talking, I've emailed him every day.  Sometimes, well, most times, more than once a day. Sometimes big thoughts, sometimes small, sometimes in between.  And, like you know, if you read here regularly, I often sort through things in my head by writing about them, often not really understanding what I need or am feeling until I've typed it out.

So to not do that for a week, I think it's like I got all, bunged up, emotionally speaking.

Which, added to a super hard work week, did not make for a happy camper by the end of the week.

Jay and I did manage to find some time to chat this weekend, and we hashed through a lot of things and I think that'll have to be another blog post, another time because right now I'm just feeling like I'm still getting over the crap week that just was.

That was seriously emotionally draining, to be cut off from expressing myself.  Which, I guess is something important for me to have learned.

And yet another reason it's good that I have this blog.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah I hope I made sense.  I feel... like I'm coming down from a really weird trip.

Bad week.

Glad it's over.

The End.

The Second Season I Am To Know

What a weirdly mild, mellow Winter we've had so far.  And here we are already February.

I know, often, February is when we get our cold snap, and maybe a dump of snow, but still, we usually have some hints of it through December, or certainly January.

Our trees are already starting to show blossoms and I bet soon enough I'll see a bulb peeking through the soil somewhere or other.

The days are getting longer, and I am so thankful for that, if nothing else.

Not to say the days haven't been dreary or rainy, but there have also been some mild, warm ones, and some gloriously sunny ones too.

I've had a few nights of needing extra blankets at night, and having to close a window or two, but in general, we're still waiting for whatever capital C Cold might be coming our way.

It's almost as if this season is just slipping by, and Spring's going to roll on through with hardly a blink from any of us.

But, Of Course

Had this dream the other night/morning that is still stuck in my brain.

I was walking down Fort Street (this only matters because Fort Street is a main street in town here and has antique shops and specialty shops and auctions and things like that) with a friend of mine that I haven't seen, in real life, in a few years.

But we were walking back from a lunch together (I think) when she asked if we could stop in the gold shop.

I knew that she and her husband regularly liked to invest in gold (in the dream, not in real life) so had no problem going into the gold shop with her.

(Is there such a thing as a gold shop?  I have no idea.)

So we went in and the nice ladies (it was all ladies in there and very subdued and rich/art gallery feeling) asked her what she'd like to see, and she sat down in the chair and they brought her champagne and she asked to see some "crystal clear gold with sparkles."

I felt a little out of place because it's rude to watch someone while they view their gold, but I don't have enough money to buy any gold so I just kind of hovered in the foyer half watching my friend and half pretending to study the artwork and statues next to the receptionist, who kept giving me chilly/fake nice smiles.

Eventually, my friend came and showed me what she'd purchased.  Two "clear sparkling" gold earrings and an "ebony white" gold ring.

I realized, when I woke up that neither of these things are really gold, but in my dream they were very expensive types of gold and obviously good investments, since gold is always a good investment.

Which, of course, everyone knows gold (coughcoughdiamondcough) earrings are really good investments when you want to invest in gold and shouldn't we all?





I have no idea what my brain was thinking.

Better

I had lunch this weekend with a friend of mine who is one year past the day when his wife walked out on him.

And he'll tell you that the last year was the hardest year of his life, and I saw it on him.

Seeing him this weekend was great, we caught up more than just on the phone, and he looks great.

He looks happier, of course, than he's been over the last year, but I think he looks happier than when we first met too.

He's found a new love, and I think that's a big part of it, but he looks handsomer and much more relaxed.

Calmer.  Happier.  Better.

That's two friends of mine I've watched and tried to support through a divorce, and both of them are happy and well now, and in love with the person they will most likely spend the rest of their lives with.

It's good to see friends looking well.

I'm happy my friend is so happy.

Ok, Seriously?

I am starting to actually think that this blog is, like, Vince voodoo.

Seriously.

The last two times I've mentioned him on the blog, he's shown up right after.

Like, last time I wrote I hadn't heard from him and didn't expect to and then boom, guess who I get a text from this weekend.

Weiiiiird. 

So I'm wondering if I can somehow use this to my advantage.

Like, maybe if I write a post about how Vince showed up and found an extra million dollars he forgot he owed me or just wanted to give me for being awesome, then maybe the blog/Vince magic would work and he'd show up with a gazillion dollars for me?

It's gotta be worth a shot, no?