It's Like a Horoscope. But Funnier!

So, hey, I completely stole this from Celebrate Woo-Woo!

I hope you enjoy reading it as much I did hers. At the very least, you'll get to see some of what I've got in my music library.

Here's what I gone and done
1. Put iTunes on shuffle so that random songs come up.
2. Pressed play.
3. Wrote down each song as the answer to each question as it came up.
4. Laughed hysterically at times and nodded wisely at others.

Q. What would best describe your personality?
A. I Found A Reason (Cat Power)
OK, sure. As in... I found a reason to do something? To live? To be? *shrug*

Q. If some one says it's okay you say...
A. Ramalama Bang Bang (Roisin Murphy)
Hmmmmm, right. Not sure I've ever said that in conversation, but maybe it's the thought that counts?

Q. What do you like in a guy?
A. Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
Erm.

Q.How do you feel today?
A. Closer to Fine (Indigo Girls)
Fair enough. True dat.

Q.What is your life's purpose?
A. These Eyes (The Guess Who)
Oooooh, deep man. Just... not sure what that means. It'd be awesome if I was an optometrist though and this came up, no?

Q. What is your motto?
A. Embryonic Journey (Jefferson Airplane)
Ok, yeah, if by "embryonic" you mean safe and happy and warm...

Q. What do your friends think of you?
A. Sunshine (Handsome Boy Modelling School)
Well I hope so anyway! Actually, one of my good friends calls me this as a nickname. *beam*

Q. What do you think of your friends?
A. A Whiter Shade of Pale (Procol Harem)
I'm not sure if this is a statement of race or the fact that... uh... I don't know. Maybe we all need a little more sunshine?

Q. What do you think of your parents?
A. Girl (Beatles)
OK, yeah, I have no idea here. I don't have two Mommies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Q.What do your parents think of you?
A. Cruising Together (Hewey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow)
We're going on a cruise? Sweet! Oh, or maybe we're just cruising through life together. Maybe that's it.

Q. What do you think about very often?
A. Beat Me (Magnet)
I just have nothing to say here.

Q. What do you think of your best friend(s)?
A. Head over Feet (Alanis Morissette)
I do love my best friends, that's true. And they do help me try to stay sane when I go all loopy over silly guys.

Q. What do you think of the person you love?
A. Yet Another Movie (Pink Floyd)
I'm not even sure who this'd be referring to. Maybe I want my love stories to be like movies? I'm not currently in love with anyone besides myself. (Awwwwwwwww, that's so cute!)

Q.What is your life story?
A. I Am Ready For Love (India Arie)
I am?

Q. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Goldfinger (Shirley Bassey)
So damn true.

Q. What do you think when you see the person you love?
A. Never Tear Us Apart (INXS)
Yeah, I do think that.

Q. What is your hobby/interest?
A. Let's Get It On (Marvin Gaye)
Oh my lord, I'm so embarrassed right now.

Q. What will they play at your funeral?
A. Grave Digger (Dave Matthews)
Good choice. Poignant and appropriate.

Q. What is your biggest secret?
A. Easy Lover (Spain)

Again with the embarrassment.

*slinks off*

Please Sing This Off Key To An Opera Type Song Of Your Making

La la laaaaaaa!
I am not sleeping
Because I can not!

Again!

Even though it is three am.

A.  MMMMMMMM.

It is my own fault too
I knew better than to sleep in so late

As in
Two
PEEEE EMMMMMMMMM
In the afternoon

(Oy vey)

So now
ow ow owwwwwwww
I'm awake
and so is a bird.

I thought I'd get up and write posts for you oooo oooooo
but they're all stuck inside
my brain.

or what's left of it.

mushy like.

So ta da! Instead.... a psychedelic sunset for you
(holy smokes
I can't believe
I spelled that right)

Let's all hope I can get
an acupuncture appointment
tomorroooooooooooooooooow.
So that I can sleep. I like to sleep. Oh yes I do!

(insert heavy metal guitar screeching solo here while banging head)

*Victoria bows to wild applause*

Bad Idea, This

I'm watching a scary movie and every time I mumble "stupid girl" I don't know if I'm talking about the girl in the movie who knows better than to do that or if I'm talking about myself, for watching it all alone in the evening when there's no daylight out!

Gah


How's your New Year going so far?

Happy Hogmanay My Loves, May 2008 Bring You All You Wish For And More.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gies a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Hi!

I'm here, just a little out of it.

Christmas was good and flashed past with double the people around our table from when I was growing up.

Then there was busy stuff and more busy stuff and now I have a cold to fight off so all I'm up to today and tomorrow is napping.

It's not so bad really!

I'll see youse soon though. Just not todazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When The Bell Tolls One, God Bless Us Everyone

"I don't know anything,
I never did know anything,
But now I know,
That I don't know,
All on a Christmas morning...
I must stand on my head!"



"What an intelligent boy. A remarkable boy!"



Best. Movie. Ever.



I love the idea that we can all become who we're meant to be if we could just "come to our senses" and realize that's it's not about money but about love and caring.



If I'm not around in the next few days I hope that you're making very merry with your family, friends, loved ones, or whoever you're surrounding yourselves with right now.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Best of the season to you.


Love and joy to you and yours.

You Know

You know it's been a while when you go through your purse, find condoms you'd forgotten you put in there and discover that they're expired.

You know you've moved on when you can't even come up with a person to fantasize about.

You know it's the longest day of the year when you leave the house in the dark and come home in the dark!


Happy Winter Solstice all.*


Your turn now. What do you know?


*Well all y'all in the Northern Hemisphere anyway!

I Friggin Love Kids

A is for Alphabet

You know how sometimes you click on a link on someone's blog and then you click on another link there and so on and so on?

Well, yeah. I did that this weekend and someone somewhere out there had a post with a title similar to this one.

But much further down the alphabet line, so to speak.

It got me thinking that maybe I could use it as inspiration for posts when I'm stuck for stuff to say. Like, now. And stuff.

So thanks, person out there in cyberspace!



PS I may have to go away for a little while here, I'll let you know.

Don't Go Changing

Change is hard.

Whether the change is forced upon you or self inflicted, chosen, directed, whatevered, it's still hard.

Some people do well with change, thrive on it, seek it out, enjoy it. (I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering.) But change is still hard. Difficult.

And change is hardest when you're trying to change how you walk through your life because the people around you also don't like change and while they may not know they're doing it, sometimes they make it very hard for you to change.

Once, when I was going through a particularly bad patch in my life, my brother told me he didn't care if I became a "Bible basher" as long as I was happy. I've always remembered him saying that and I love the sentiment. I'm just not sure how it would work out in real life. Family is like that. They like you just the way they've always known you, even if that way hasn't been great for you.

Small changes I've made around my family do not go un-noticed. My family is famous for backhanded comments so while I'm carefully taking the paper out of the garbage and putting it into the recycling bin, for example, it's not unusually for a few "tree hugger, tofu eater" type comments to be thrown my way. I'm not known for having the toughest skin, especially around my family so it makes things hard.

Now, I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly walk into my parents' house on Christmas day and announce that I'm getting a sex change operation and could they all call me Victor now please, I'm just saying that making changes in your life and in yourself is hard enough. Trying to maintain these changes becomes even more difficult with family. Especially if you're not quite sure what these "changes" would look like.

How is it with you? Would your parents and family support you no matter what? Do they already? Have you become someone your family didn't think you "really" were? Or do you just figure family is family?

I know I can't expect them to go changing, but I do think back to what my brother said. What would they all do if I walked in and had become a different version of myself? If I insisted we all spend an hour each evening discussing the Bible or my love of tofu and dreadlocks? Would they be happy as long as I was?

Something to wonder about, that's for sure.

Analyze This!

The other morning I had this dream I can't quite figure out.

I was in my bed at the house I last lived in with my parents. Except the bed was bigger and more comfortable and had flowy white sheets and covers n stuff and I don't know why I was living there.

Lying next to me was my boyfriend (some kinda super hot hybrid of Smith and this guy) and it was morning time in the dream too. I guess he was staying over at my parents' for a visit, but had snuck into my room since we (obviously) weren't allowed to sleep together under my parents' roof. (And, yes, this rule still stands.) But in the dream we had just slept together, nothing more, but we were naked. *shrug*

So, anyway, I rolled over and started seducing this boyfriend of mine with kisses on his adorably freckled back. (I know, wild and crazy, huh?) And, as these things go, he started to get... uh... interested... and turned towards me.

Just as the dream was about to get interesting and his hand was inches away from making contact with my thigh (seriously, it was the hottest G-rated dream ever) he burst into tears. "But what about the soldiers?" he sobbed. "They all died!"

And that was the end of that. No dream nookie for me. Sigh. What was that all about, y'all?

I'm figuring the soldiers thing must be Smith related, no?

Call to Action

Waiting For the World To Change
John Mayer

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

 
John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change

I think it's time we stop waiting. The world's not going to change if we all just sit back and wait.

It's time for change. Make it.

We have the power to bring our neighbours home from war.
We have the means to rise above and beat the power of everything that's going on in the world.
We have the strength to stand for something.

Make change. Stop waiting.

The world won't change if we don't ask it/tell it/force it to.

Let's be done waiting.

Find your change. Be it.

Dude.

I did it again!

$44.77 in the first shop and $50.50 in the next.

Sweet.

Heh

It's a rainy Sunday evening and I decide that after the gym I should pick up some milk and crazy glue. (I know, it's an odd combination, but I bought someone a cute Christmas ornament and the top popped off so I figured I'd glue it back on. Plus, I ran out of milk. I may have purchased chocolate too, I'm pretending that I can't remember, but you know I did!)

As I leave the store the guy coming towards me is checking me out so I decide, what the heck, I may as well return the favour and see if he's cute. And as we're doing the whole "hey hot stuff I'm checking you out" thing we both realize that we, in fact, know each other (fairly intimately!) and while he keeps on walking with his girlfriend we exchange amused "Hey! How are you? Good!"s with each other and keep on walking.

I find myself terribly amused by the whole thing, partly because it reminded me that I have good taste in guys (dude is hot) and because I never thought this guy was the most trustworthy and there he was checking me out while wandering around with his lady friend. Oh, and because it means I'm still super hot even after sweating it out at the gym on a Sunday night.

Go me!

Balance

is hard to find.

isn't as straightforward as it seems.

is something that when you're not in it, seems fleeting.

is the most important thing.

is where I want to be in all things.

is groovy.

You May Not Understand This

But I'm crying right now because I missed this:

The set:
Good Times Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time Of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Under Foot
Nobody's Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I've Been Loving You
Dazed And Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains The Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll

I know I'll never be able to see Bonham, that's sad enough, but I've already seen Page and Plant and would really like to see John Paul Jones. I think he's the most overlooked member of my true loves.

D'you Know What I Mean?

Anyone else eat Stoned Wheat Thins?

Anyone else ever get a box that just tastes so damn perfect you never want it to end?

Anyone?

Help me out here.

If You Live in This Part of The World

Check this guy out.

Honestly?

Okay. This is not a delicate post. If you're sweet and innocent and not wanting to read about things like man parts, (or are my Mom) go here instead.

You've been warned!

I've been getting a lot of spam lately about my penis.

Now you and I know I don't have one, but none of the spammers seem to be aware of this minor detail.

Apparently were I a man and my d!ck was bigger, I'd finally make my lady happy, I'd be able to stop paying for sex, and I'd be fighting the ladies off. Amongst other things.

Which makes me wonder. Who's believing this stuff?

In all honesty, the best sex I've ever had was with a guy who wasn't particularly big. And some of the er, less enjoyable sex has been with guys who were biggerly endowed.*

So I need your help, y'all. I need to find out if I'm the odd one out here. Ladies, do you honestly wish most of the guys you've been with were larger? Guys, do you really think we want you to have bigger schlongs? Do you really think it makes our sexual experience better?

For me? Bigger is not better. In fact, it's often worse. But maybe that's just me.

What say you? Let's be honest here. Are the spammers onto something? Does it even matter?

Honestly? Does a bigger you-know-what equal better sex?

I vote unequivocally no.



*Well, if I wasn't still a virgin, of course. I'm just speculating from things I've heard.

Hmmmmm....

OK, so this is a little odd...

When I turned off comment moderation, I made sure that Blogger was sending your comments to my email so that I could see that I had a new comment and respond. (I love comments, yay!)

But today only every third or fourth comment is getting forwarding. It's odd.

I'm hoping that it's just a glitch today, but if for some reason I don't respond or say anything to a comment from you, it's not that I'm ignoring you, it's that I didn't know it was there. ( I don't love not knowing I have new comments, boo!)

So yeah. Here's hoping it sorts itself out.

Sharing Time

I think it's time we get to know each other even better, don't you?

I was thinking about it. I think sometimes it's easier to share things with people who are relative strangers than it is to share with people who know you. Which got me thinking...

What's something I probably wouldn't find out about you if we knew each other "in real life"?

Me? I kind of collect stamps.

I just never tell anyone about it because it's a little embarrassing. You know?

And no, I don't know what the photo has to do with anything. It's no secret that I like taking photos. (Insert suspicious voice here ) Or eeees it?

What about you?

Warm Fuzzies

Hey, thanks y'all, for being so nice n supportive and kind and stuff.


What you had to say really helped cheer me up. You're awesome.


I knew there was a reason I loved you guys so much!

Keep the good stuff coming.

And, thanks.

The Update I Really Don't Feel Like Making

I've mulled this post over for a couple of days and figure it's bothering me enough that I may as well babble it out here.

That helps sometimes.

Smith emailed me last week.

I'd had a few phone calls from him recently, but was never home to get them and although he said he'd call back he never did and I was relieved.

It meant I didn't have to try to figure out how to talk to him or what to say. So when he didn't call again I just figured he was moving on and it was all good. I really had nothing more to say to him anyway.

But then he emailed me. I was pretty surprised, to be honest, and not altogether thrilled. He caught me up on what his plans are (probably spy school and buying a house) and finished off by asking me if I'd met anyone since my posts here didn't really tell him much.

I was floored.

And disappointed.

And knowing that he still reads here, I didn't really want to talk to y'all about it, but I figure it might help. (And I figured that if I watch too much about what one person might think about what I say I'll never write what I'm really going through/feeling.) So I'm trying to write this as if he doesn't, but it's hard to do.

I guess I'd just hoped...well I don't know what I'd hoped.

I'd hoped that we had nothing more to say to each other because I don't want to have to small talk with him and I don't have any more conversation in me to have with him. He's not someone I can share my life with anymore; he chose differently.

And I guess I'm disappointed that he turned out to be someone different from who I'd thought he was. And I guess I'm pissed that things we talked about him doing (and things I hoped would let us have a life together) while we were together are things he's doing now anyway.

It's annoying me that one little email has gotten so under my skin and I'm hoping it'll get better with time.

Well, I know it will... been there, done that, right?

It felt,though, the day after the email, like one step forwards, one step back, but I realize that it's more like a hundred steps forward, one step back.

It's just a bummer.

I had moved on from Smith, with maybe only an occasional not superly positive thought about him. Now I feel a little annoyed and angry and hurt again and I'm not enjoying being back in that spot.

Didn't help much that this weekend the whole rest of the island got a dumping of snow (and the mainland) and I got rain and a bit of sleety snain (I made that word up, cool, eh?) that was disappointing.

Plus a cool chick at work left on Friday and Monday's going to be bit lonely without her.

Guess it wasn't the best of weekends, eh?

I wish Smith well, don't get me wrong, I just don't want to keep in touch anymore... it doesn't seem to work for me staying "friends" with Exes. Maybe I'll want to talk to him again someday, just not now.

Actually, now that I think more about it, I think maybe I just had a bit of a downer weekend. I've had three people call me today alone talking about how awesome the snow is and how much I must be loving it and I keep having to say "Well, no, it didn't snow here at all somehow."

It really sucked.

It bummed me out and I guess it got me thinking down the drain hole a little.

Here's to a better week this week and to another hundred steps forward.

Here's to not needing to look back.

I'm So Totally On A Roll

You guys'll never guess what happened now!

I've won an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean and all I have to do is press 9, that's nine on the number key now.

It's too bad I was out when those nice people called, but I'm sure they'll call back about the trip I won soon.

Go me!

Guess What? Guess What? Guess What? Guess What?

Snowfall warning!

I Must Be Doing Something Right

I was getting some food after work today and the guy behind the counter asked me how my day had been.

"Good, thanks!" I said.

He looked up at me, "You just look so happy." he said, a smile spreading across his face.

True dat.

Random.

Black ice is fun if you're going slow enough around the corner that you just kinda slip a bit.

When the lady reached for my clipboard of information I thought she was putting out a hand to shake so I shook hers.

Do automatic door openers mean guys think they don't need to unlock/open the car door for their lady?

I'm not sure why, but I don't seem to have the patience for Bit Torrent...ing.

Four year olds can scream loud. ly.

I don't remember the last movie I saw in the theatres. Stardust maybe?

I like chocolate. 

It made me sad when the ferry breakfast buffet didn't have bacon.  

Am Home

But rather out of things to say.

Somewhere between over tired and sleepy.

Did my 'Merican friends have a good Thanksgiving?

Anybody get snow tonight? I got sleet on the drive home after work and got terribly excited. Am hoping there might be some overnight but they say only at the higher elevations.

I'm going to watch Eragon now.

Later dudes.

Hi! Bye!

I was looking through my flickr for a photo to post (I like to have a photo every second post just to make things pretty n stuff) when I came across this one.

And it reminded me of a song I haven't listened to since I was in first year. I used to think it was the coolest song ever. Anyone else know "Little Fluffy Clouds" by The Orb?


Little Fluffy Clouds - The Orb

Anyway, my computer's back, but I'm going away this weekend for a family thing so I'll be disappearing again. Such is life, no?

I hope you're well and that you haven't been too naughty while I've been computer-less and unable to check up on you.

All is well here, a good kind of busy. Today alone, I've found something I lost (memory stick full o' pictures, yay!), I've watched a friend with a broken heart smile at a cute guy (hurrah!) and I bought myself a Playmobil advent calendar. Rock on!

More disjointed posts soon I'm sure.

Meanwhile, what's new? What's going on? Catch me up.

Talking in Code

My friend Mike promises me I'll like the new doctor as much as the old one, but I'm still not convinced.  I miss hunky funny one.  *sigh*  Know what I mean?

B sent me an awesome photo of that guy I've had a crush on for ages and boy oh boy did it ever make me happy.  I mean, I didn't print it out and sleep with it or anything, but I sure thought about it!  Hubba hubba!

They seem to cancel a lot of really good tv around these here parts.  Dead Like Me, Freaks and Geeks, Joan of Arcadia.  My own personal list goes on and on, shows I've really liked and only found (through DVD) once they've been cancelled.  Maybe they're better ended before they could fall off the maps, but I sure miss those characters, that's for sure.  Any shows you really miss?

I do so love Blogger's autosave thingy.  Just saved this whole post when loaner computer's Safari quit on me.  Whew.  Because we certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss this beautiful, meaningful post.  

I still really want to call my first dog "Dog".

Apollo Geez

Hi! I'm a little punch drunk.

HA!

I worked worked worked all weekend on big spy work big big BIG! and now done.

Well, done ish.

Usually do much work and then Done and then UH OH more not done and forgot something and whoops mistake good thing checked that. You know what I mean?

Feeling goofy and ate lots of chocolate. Whole Orange ball thing whack and unwrap this weekend, caffeine!

Sorry. Not making sense, I know, but hey! Computer into shop tomorrow so byeeeeeee unless I get loaner. Cross fingers for me and sanity returning soon, yes?

Did you not work this weekend? I hope so. I worked too much. Bad work making me work. Pardon?

Spy work allll done! Victoria craaaaazeeeeee but yay done! (hopefully yes)

Okay. You put up with me nice!

Bye for now!

PS.Wait, wait, Blogger look different, dashboard? Just me?

To the Twenty Something Guy Who Apparently Lives in my Building

Hey listen,

I'm really happy that you're young and in love lust and drunk, but dude, it's 2 am.

If we ignore the fact that I'm still awake because of super secret spy work that must be done this weekend and is keeping me up anyway, blasting your music with your doors wide open at this time is...well... not cool.

I mean, turning on your engine every 20 minutes to get the heater going, well that's understandable I suppose, sometimes you just don't want to say goodbye, but bro? Once you've stepped out of the vehicle it's bedtime. Not talk really loud because you've had eight beers and can't tell you're being loud and blast the first thirty seconds of a song that sounds like the intro to a bad movie over and over time.

So, next time you're feeling like not quite inviting your new girlfriend inside, would you mind holding your loud mating ritual on the street instead of under our windows? That'd be cool.

Thanks,
Victoria

PS Your breath smells stinky. She's just not sober enough to know. Trust me. Been there, kissed that. *shudder* (What is it with stale beer breath anyway?)

Trying Not To Hyperventilate

I'm taking my computer in again tomorrow. Apple's going to give it another once over since it's been pretty warm (er, ok, hot) since the last overhaul.

I'm kind of nervous about it because I don't want to be without my baby for so long again this time.

I think they're providing me with a loaner while they're checking it out, but it may mean I'm not around as much as I might be.

Oh shoot, I just realized a work thing it's going to affect in a really not too great way for me. (Starts mumbling to self about how I'm gonna get around that one.)

Excuse me, I have to go breathe into a bag now.

How About Another Song Then, Eh?

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own.

We don't need
Anything.
Or anyone.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite knowHow to sayHow I feel.

Those three words
I've said too much
They're not enough.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're toldBefore we get too old.Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads.

I need your GraceTo remind meTo find my own.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old.
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I amAll that I ever wasIs here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.

I don't know where.Confused about how as well.Just know that these things will never
Change for us at all.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
Just forget the world?




Snow Patrol

So, Anyway.

What kind of toothpaste do you use?







I use Aquafresh for kids.

Why?

Because it tastes good.

Me too.

Affirmation

By Darren Hayes & Daniel Jones
(Savage Garden)

Affirmation - Savage Garden

Peace

I'm going away for a few days.

I don't think I'll be back before Monday, so I'm glad I didn't sign up for NaBloPoMo; it'd be stressing me out to no end that I will not be physically able to post for five or six days if I'd said I'd post every day.

When I commit to things, I have a hard time not following them through to the end. It's possibly why I stay in bad relationships long after I should, no?

Take some time on Sunday to Remember and to hold your loved ones close just because you can.

I'll see you soon.

Hey Y'all!

Merry Christmas guys!

Huh?

What's that you say? It's only the start of November?

But... but.. it must be Christmas.

All the stores have Christmas things out.

People are starting to put out their Christmas lights.

That means it's Christmas, right?

Right?

Sigh.

It's not even Remembrance Day.

Comic Relief

As I was driving home from the Doctor's today (because, yes, I thought after getting a filling, nothing would complete my day better than some bloodwork) I decided I deserved some ice cream. (Also, I thought I might be able to eat it seeing as my lips have sensation again, six hours later, but I still can't open my mouth, stoopid needle)

I went into the store and as I was wandering, I picked up a few other tasty treats for myself.

When I got to the checkout, the girl checking me out looked up and said "Shopping hungry?" And I laughed and told her I was guilty as charged.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Well, it's all stuff that can be eaten right away, so you're either shopping hungry or shopping for a party of stoners." and she paused. "Which, is pretty much the same thing, I guess!"

Heh.

True enough.

Some Advice For You

If, my friends, you have an appointment at the Dentist at 11:50, please keep in mind that there was a time change two nights ago, so you will find yourself very very hungry and very very unable to eat for fear of chompin on your own tongue at 2pm, which is really 3pm and maybe you should have had lunch before you left no?

Little

Inspired in part by their cute ads (featuring people sitting by your light who cheer like crazy when you turn it off and other silly things) I've committed myself to reducing my energy use by 20% this year.

It's the simple little things that are going to make a big difference, small matters of convenience, really.

For example? I'm going to unplug my chargers when they're not in use. Sure it means reaching down and plugging them back in when I need to use them, but apparently if we all did it, we could power a small community! Also, I usually put my bedroom light on once it gets dark just because it feels cozier, even though I'm never in there until bedtime.* Well, all I do differently now is get up and turn it on when I'm on my way to bed and before I turn off the living room light and it still feels just fine and think of how much electricity I'm not using!

I'm looking forward to seeing how much I save just on my next bill. I don't use a lot of electricity as it is, but I'm thinking these little things may make a huge difference.

And then I'm going to imagine my posse of fans cheering me on every time I flick off a power bar at the end of the day. Yay me!


*Oh, also? I may possibly have been known to leave a light on in my apartment in the evenings so that if I went out it'd feel "like home" when I got back. Because apparently I was previously unable to flick the switch right. at. the. door. Sigh.

Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping, into the Future.

Except not so much today.

And now begins a couple of weeks in which I insist on saying "but it's really (blank) o'clock".

For example?

This morning, I slept in 'til 11, which means I really slept in 'til 12, which is really quite impressive.

Alas, it also means it starts getting dark berry berry early in the evenings.

Which means I leave for work in the dark and return from work in the dark.

And this makes me not so very happy.

*sad pouty face*

Silly time change.


PS. Something I've always wondered.... on time change evenings, do people working on an hourly wage have to work that hour all over again? Like, do they get to two and suddenly it's one again and so they have to work it again 'til two? And if so, do they get paid an extra hour? Anyone know?

OK, So Hi!

Yeah, did you like that last post there? The one that made no sense really?

See, some days I want to talk about absolutely everything and then other days I don't want to talk about anything and then the next day I don't know what I'm talking about.

Work is somewhat mellower for the moment, but still the busiest I've felt it in a few years.

I have nothing else to say to Smith right now and what I might say about him doesn't need to be said.

I have life stuff going on and that I won't even touch on, and there's the possibility of a stomach ulcer currently residing in my tum tum.

I've been distracting myself with some good books and some good tv shows (on DVD) and I've been trying to just keep moving forward.

Not that life is hideously difficult as such, it's just that change is what it is and brings what it does.

There. Clear as mud?

I'm fine. Perhaps a tad shaken.

But fine.


Foo Fighters - Razor

(Slinger, your boys are rocking my world right now)

I'm Sorry, This One's Just For Me.

Change isn't easy.


Letting go isn't easy.


Burying your head in your old life is easy. Until it's not.

And as difficult as change is, and as much work as it takes, it can only be so bad for so long before it starts to become better.


And then? It will be beautiful.

And I know you'll be there for me all along. As you always have been.

All Saints' Day

It's not that I adhere to any of the religions listed here, but I just figure if we could talk up All Saints' Day a little bit more, we could maybe get a day of free chocolate out of it, or something.

What do you think?

Candy on Halloween for kids, and chocolate on All Saints' Day for grownups?

And, let's make it tradition that we get to wear pyjamas all day too, while we're at it, shall we?

Noooooo!

No! Don't start raining!


The kids have only just started trick or treating!!!




(Listens at the window as it goes away... marvels at self's magical abilities. Crosses fingers.)

Did You Ever?

Did you ever have one of those days where everything you said is somehow misinterpreted just enough to totally confuse things so that you don't really know what the other person is saying and they don't know why you don't understand and it all just gets very awkward and you don't know how to get out of it?

Yeah, hi. That's me!

I'm not going to comment on any more blogs today or answer any more emails or nothin just to stem the flow of confusion I seem to be causing.

Instead I'm going to eat sugar and wish you, again, a Happy Halloween!

*runs off and hides*

It's All Hallow's Eve!

Happy Hallowe'en everyone!










PS. Are you wearing a costume to work or anything?

NaMeNoDoNaBloPoMo

I think I'm not going to take on NaBloPoMo this year, but I wish all those of you who are the best of luck.

It's not that I didn't enjoy it last year, I did. (Most days)

I just don't feel like adding anything else to my plate right now. My plate is full, ta very much.

That being said, I'll still try to post lots n lots.

Just, you know, without the pressure!

If you're doing it? Good luck, have fun! I promise I'll try to keep up with my reading.

And, kudos to our bud Jonathan for making this year's site all purty and cool n stuff. Well done, you!

It's Hard to Keep Backup Players Around When They Don't Get Much Play.

I've lost my backup goalies.

And, no, that's not a euphemism for birth control.

What I mean is that my backup guys are gone.

It first started a few years ago when my backup husband* broke our promise and went and got married.

And more recently, my two not-boyfriends who I could just have a fling with if I really really needed to and there would be no emotional repercussions because we'd already been there and never quite managed to date moved to Vancouver.

With their girlfriends.

Sigh.

Currently I have no backup husbands or boyfriends or rompity romp friends. (Please don't make me explain that, I'm really not that kind of girl, it's just that ringlets can be so hard to resist.)

I'm thinking I won't be able to replace my bench and while I'm not really desperate for someone to randomly smooch, I do miss having a backup husband.

It was nice knowing that if I didn't find the perfect guy, I could at least have a marriage with a good friend who made me laugh. At least we'd have had fun, right?

It's kind of weird when your Exes start moving on and getting married and (gulp) having kids, but it's even weirder when your non-Exes do the same thing.

I don't think I'll be able to rebuild my bench, but I wouldn't mind finding me a backup husband. Maybe someone should sell husband insurance; for $9.99 a month, they'll find you a decent guy to marry before you reach the age of your choice. (You'd have to be at least, what? 26? to order this insurance?

Sound fair?


What? You're still shocked at the rompity romp thing aren't you?


Sigh.





*We promised we'd get married at 40 if neither of us had married by then. I figured since I wasn't getting married anytime soon, it wasn't fair of him to go and fall in love.

Confession

Since I have B's generous permission to talk about him here (since, as he put it, it's my blog), I shall proceed to embarrass myself with the following confession....

Once, when the two of us were engaged in some acts that involved not very much clothing, I told him it was "like having a greek god in my bed."

And I meant it.

I just.

Didn't mean to say it out loud.



*blush*

You Know What To Do G, Bust A Move

Dude, I have no idea why I love this song so much, but there it is.

It come on a lot while I'm at the gym and every time it does, my brain says "Victoria? You totally have to write a post about this song and guys busting a move and all the stuff that this song's about!"

But by the time I get home and showered and sat down in front of the computer my brain has forgotten all the brilliant stories and anecdotes I've thought up.

Once, I got so far as to decide this photo would be PERFECT for my story and I typed up the title and uploaded the photo from flickr and, I'm not kidding, the entry looked like this..." I forget what I was going to say."

So now it's up to you to break my writers block, my friends.

Tell me your "bust a move" story. I know you've got em.

Need inspiration? Crank up the volume and dance to this puppy. Cuz you know what to do G, bust a move!




Young M.C. Bust a Move

PS. I hereby claim the right to re-use this photo should my originally intended post re-appear from the deep, dark recesses of my mind!

So Kiss Me

I've been thinking a lot lately about first kisses.

Mine, to be specific.

If I'm perfectly honest, first kisses that morphed into first make out sessions have been lost in the recesses of my mind somewhere. I couldn't tell you what my first kiss with Smith was like and that's too bad. Ok yes, I've now just admitted that our first kiss was a make out session.) The first kisses that stand out in my memory are the ones that were just that. A kiss.

I have two first kisses that stick in my memory more so than others.

One was with my first serious boyfriend, the one I had my "other" first with.

It was back in first year university and I'd had a crush on this guy for a while. One night, a few weeks into our attempts at flirting (or whatever it is you do when you're young and ignorant innocent) we were all heading back to our residences and were hanging outside my building. Someone started talking about finding the right person and this guy mentioned how he'd heard people say you had to kiss a lot of frogs before you found your prince.

I looked over at him and he was sitting on top of a garbage can and something about the light, he just looked so vulnerable and like he figured he wasn't anybody's prince, more like an ugly frog. And I leaned over and mumbled something about how he looked like a prince to me and I kissed him. It was really sweet.

The next first kiss I remember very well is my first kiss with DD. This one currently resides in my mind as my best first kiss.*

DD and I had met for our first date and he was walking me back to my car after.

I got to my car and unlocked it and thanked him for the date. (We'd met for drinks and then played pool until late in the morning) I leaned in and gave him a hug (and possibly a kiss on the cheek, I forget) and opened my car door.

I had it all the way open when DD reached out and gently closed the door before I could get in. Then he leaned forward and gave me the most beautiful, delicate kiss. It lasted just long enough for me to feel a little bit dizzy.

He pulled away and I just kind of stared at him and he said "there, that's better" and he opened my car door, helped me in and told me he'd call me tomorrow.

Dude.

The words are escaping me to describe these moments well. Both were incredibly romantic and powerful and meaningful and I enjoyed them immensely.

With my first boyfriend it was all about the moment.

With DD, it was all about how smooth he was.

Smooth, gentlemen, is something you either have or you don't. And if you don't have it? Don't try.

Sincere will always go over well, so mean it.

I don't think a first kiss should be over thought (right, good luck with that, eh? As if we're not all thinking about this from the get go...), but I do think it should be special.

In a perfect world, I think a first kiss should stand alone.

I like first kisses that just happen.

And, I think there's a difference between a first kiss that's all about hope and potential and what's to come v/s a first kiss that's all about lust and sex and good-god-how-quickly-can-we-get-into-bed already?

First kisses should be about a promise and a beginning of something.

First kisses should be something you both remember.


Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me 

What's your best first kiss story?




*Yes Mister Perfect, another challenge for you.

Same Story, Different Angle

A while ago, I talked about the pressure some women feel when they make the choice not to have children. Or when they're not sure. Or when they're not ready. Or whatever it might be.

Lately, I've been watching people go through the other side of the pregnancy story.

There are a lot of wonderful people out there who, for whatever reason, are unable to have children naturally.

There are women out there who give birth to children who are ill, or who become ill.

There are a ton of blogs out there that write very well about the difficulty of being unable to have children, or the struggles of fertility treatments, or the worries of being accepted to be foster or adoptive parents.

It's hard for me and I'm on the outside. It's extra hard because so many people I know seem to be getting pregnant right now. Or having a baby any day now. Or, in some cases, starting their second pregnancy. Which is hard because how do I share someone else's joy with someone who wants nothing more than to have that same thing happen for them and is having their heart broken month after month after month.

I wish the world was simple. I wish everyone who would love a child was able to have one to love, the way they want to have that child. I wish becoming a parent was always easy. I wish everyone who was able to give birth was able to be a fit parent.

I wish I could comfort everyone who has struggled with having a child and I wish I could comfort every child who has felt unwanted or unloved.

I don't really know what this has to do with being a single girl, it's just hard to see my friends hurting. And I don't know how to support them.

I still don't know if I'll have children, but I hope that if I decide to, it'll be an easy, joyful experience.

Let's send some good vibes out there to all parents to be, kay?

Stuff

Yeah, sorry, you're not going to get a whole lot out of this post, but I'm writing it anyway, ta da!

I've got a lot of stuff going on right now and it's kind of taking a lot of brain power to wrap my head around it.

Or, to try to anyway.

There's family stuff (find me someone who doesn't on occasion have family "stuff" to deal with) and work stuff (as in, too much of it and how did it get to be the end of October already?) and training for work stuff.

And there's me stuff and while I haven't met anyone new, Smith is no longer the major player in my daydreams anymore (or my night dreams, for that matter) and while that may feel like progress to a lot of you, it's still kind of sad for me.

I wish I could talk more about it, but I'm protecting myself and protecting my anonymity. Things aren't bad...they're just uncomfortable.

Change is like that.

So when I say my latest unhealthy obsession is "stuff"? I know what I mean. And you? Well you can just fill in the blank, ok? I won't mind.

Once things settle again I'll be able to share more, but for now, it's just tricky getting the time to sit and write and then it's even trickier to know how to put into words what's streaming around in my head. And if things don't settle? Well, then I'll just keep throwing unrelated random stuff at cha kay?

Kay!

Comes The Dawn

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.


Veronica A. Shoffstall

Fun Time

One of the cuter image maker things I've ever showed up in my flickr contacts and I've never seen people look so adorable yet still just like themselves!

So, if you've ever wondered just what I look like, here you go.....

(Once you've seen it, you'll understand why I stay anonymous.)

Tee hee!

B

I was sitting here going through my iTunes library when I came across a bunch of songs that had been on a CD made for me by B, an old...friend of mine.

I don't know if I've talked much about B here although I think I may have thrown out a hello to him here or there if memory serves. (And, memory often doesn't!)

B's a person who will always have a fond place in my life. I had a huge crush on him for a while and while it maybe might have gone somewhere it didn't. Kind of.

Yes, there are stories there and good ones too, but B reads here on occasion and I'll defer to his feelings on whether or not he wants me sharing just how hot he looks naked with the rest of the internets.

Um... whoops! (Sorry B, I kind of slipped up there.)

Ladies, let me just say, he had ringlets when he grew his hair long.

Dark, swarthy, delicious.

The ringlets, I mean.

Ahem.

October Wears the Colour of a Rusting Piece of Tin

I don't know what's going on where you live, (The Ex mentioned a while ago that she wished her leaves were changing colours) but fall is being totally awesome around here.

Yes, I know it's raining (temperate rain forest, 'member?) but it's also windy sometimes and then all the leaves (all gold and orange and brown and beautiful) fall and swirl and it's just awesome!

A couple of months ago, I mentioned a Spirit of the West song from which I took today's title. It kept on running through my head and I've been watching the trees for that rusting piece of tin colour.

And it's here.

If it's where you live too? Enjoy it.

Things only last so long, but they're oh so beautiful while they're here.

If you live here, or near here, look around. Find the dark green and light green leaves and the yellow leaves and the orange and purple and red leaves. Look at how they all contrast and compliment each other and how the streets seem to be this mass of colours.

It's delicious.

Take the time to look at it; the beauty out there right now is hard to resist. Just looking out my window right now I can see seven different shades of leaves. And three of those are on the same tree!


A lesson in multiculturalism from nature; it is the combination of colours that makes the world beautiful.

And I Never Mean to Make You Cry

Not long into our relationship, Smith asked me if I'd heard this song. He sang a couple of lines but I didn't know it.

After some Google searching and playing songs over the phone to him I found the song he was talking about; Sorry Again by Tomi Swick.

Now whenever I hear it I think of him, and that's not such a bad thing. It reminds me that things weren't easy for him while we were together and that I hope things start getting better for him soon.

So, I hope you like it. It's a pretty good song. I like the feel of it and it certainly evokes emotions for me.

What does it say to you?



Tomi Swick - Sorry Again

I


am collecting my thoughts.







How are you?

Wow

Is it weird that I'd really like to try this?




Link originally from Maggie.


PS Have a good weekend, I won't be around much til early next week!

Organized Chaos

Busy weekends for me mean no downtime for catching up with writing here and telling stories and thinking my way through things.

This last weekend was busy and this next weekend is going to be busier. I keep telling myself that I'll come home and do some writing but then I get home and then there's work stuff to do and by the time that's been worked through (notice I don't say "done", ha!) it ends up being time for bed (where, most recently, I dreamt about an impromptu concert on a ferry and then fell off of it when it got wavy, sigh) play, rewind, repeat.

I keep waiting for some time to get my ducks in a line but work just won't seem to slow down. Everyone's been commenting on it at work. I guess it's just a busy spy world right now or something.

So miniature update? I miss Smith, or to be more specific, I miss our relationship, and we've talked a few times recently, but no, no changes there; he's still in limbo and while I'd love fate to move him out here it doesn't seem likely. More on all that some other time. Right now I feel that if I can figure out what I'm thinking it'd be best that I talked to Smith about it first before blabbing all about it here, but we'll see. I'm allowed to change my mind, you know.

Anyhoo, must head, hope all is well. Advance apologies if things are a little slow around here, kay?

Now Gentlemen? *That's* The Way You Do It

This last weekend I ended up going into the computer department of London Drugs three separate times on three consecutive days. (Bought something cool, yes I did! But then it didn't work. But then I fixed something and it did! I'm so smart.)

Each time I ran into the same, cute, helpful guy who worked there. So on my final visit I asked him if he had some good plans for Thanksgiving (hello, trying my bestest to be flirty, right? I know you're all proud!) and he paused and said "Yes, I think we know what we're doing."

See guys, you always have an opportunity to let us hot (possibly flirting with you) chicks know that you're taken/involved and a real man lays it out like that as soon as possible.

I've talked before about how gross and sleazy I think it is when guys mention their girlfriend/fiancee way late into a conversation (or sometimes not at all for a few dates, ahem) instead of right away.

If you're committed to her, all you have to to is just drop a "we" or "my girlfriend" or something. If you're not committed to her then break up with her and you're free to flirt.

I don't know if this guy at the store did it on purpose or if he's just so happy in his relationship he thinks of himself as a "we" (Or, if as I suspect most of you are going to tell me, he was clueless and had no idea.) I just thought it was very studly and manly and gentlemanly of him to do it.

Thanks Given

So sleepy after a great weekend full of family and food and laughter and sleeping in.

I met cousins this weekend I'd never met before and that was super cool.

Had a good chat with Smith and that was nice.

Saw a beautiful sunset and got some great photos.

Am now heading to bed to catch me some sweet dreams.

Hope you get some too.

love
family
friends
joy
technology
books
flowers
work
laughter
people
connections
health
music
puppies
nieces
creativity
goodness
life



Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

Love to you and yours

Freakiest Bank Statement Ever

If I had eleven more cents in my bank account I'd know the devil was after me.

For now, I'm thinking he's just got his eye on me.

Powerful

Dove, Evolution 

I first saw this video a while ago... We all need to look at beauty and how we see it, and we need to help the next generation see what beauty is; not what the media says.

But

I love the smell of waffle cones being made, but I don't really like eating them.

I get a lot of spam about making my MeMBer larGeR, but I don't have a penis.

I bought a drumstick at the store to eat later, but I forgot to put it in the freezer when I got home.

Something on my couch smells really good, but I don't know what it is.

Recurring

I'm having a lot of recurring dreams these past few weeks. I think of them as nightmares because they're disturbing, they bother me even once I wake up and they mean my sleep is not at all restful.

In these dreams I'm pregnant. Usually fairly newly pregnant and not really showing although that's just last night's. I think the first time I had this dream I was all belly and shuffling waddle steps.

I figure these dreams are due to the fact that a good friend of mine is pregnant and had an infection that ended her up in the hospital for a week to make sure everything was ok with, well, all that stuff, you know?

I wonder if worrying about her and visiting her and seeing the stress on her normally easy-going husband's face crept into my subconscious. In my dreams I'm not only pregnant, but pregnant and dealing with some massive problem like a huge earthquake or having to get my ex's van driven somewhere even though it was huge and impossible to drive and I was pregnant and not supposed to be driving a van (don't ask, I have no idea).

I looked up "pregnancy in dreams" and apparently either I'm pregnant (scoff, not unless it's a miracle birth, dude) or it represents "an aspect of [my]self or some aspect of [my] personal life that is growing and developing. [I] may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal."

Well ok, so one of my good friends is pregnant, I get why that might be showing up in my dreams. And I do have growing and developing creative stuff going on at work right now that is blowing my mind a little, so I get how that might transfer into "pregnant" imagery. But dude, do we have to be so stressed out about it all? Why for the earthquakes and vans and bad bad stuff for poor pregnant dream me?

I just wanna get a good night's sleep without having to save the world and stuff, mkay?

Ready? (or) Not.

Word seems to be out that I'm ready to meet guys again and while you could argue that I started it, it's still a bit of a shock now that people are actively trying to set me up with guys.

See it's one thing for me to talk about how cute so and so is or how I'd date that guy if he were single, it's another thing for people to start telling me about the guy they want me to meet.

I can't wrap my head around it.

Example? This cute guy came in for a tour of our work last week. (They like the spies-in-training to see what they're getting in to you know?) I told him he could follow me for the morning (come on, I'm not dumb, I don't mind a little eye candy to stare at) and we had a good chat about being a spy and the business and stuff. As he was leaving, I told him he was welcome to contact me any time if he had any questions about anything (Come on, you've got to be proud of me for that little attempt at flirting, no?) and that was that.

But then I got home that evening and felt panicky. What if he did call and asked me out? Holy bleep I'm so not ready to consider dates or meeting for coffee or that whole "what does it mean if he didn't call" crap. I'm not ready, I don't think, to push myself into getting to know another guy and transferring my feelings to someone new.

I'm sure it'll happen at some point, but I'm hoping it will be easy, casual, relaxed and fun; say a group gathering of some sort or ... wait, isn't that how Smith and I were set up? Hmmmm....

I guess I just don't feel ready to jump into something new but if the right guy comes along, maybe that'll change.

Or maybe I'll say yes to a date before I have time to think about it. (And yes, that's also how Smith and I first ended up on a date.) I just don't think I want a new boyfriend yet.

The Missing*

I've been thinking, lately, about how my breakup with Smith (Dude, can I tell you how tired I am of talking about our "breakup"? I kind of hate that term and wish it would just disappear and that I could create a new term that didn't just make me sound pathetic. Because, we're not on a break, we tried that already, but since I'm not totally really completely moving on [yet] I hate calling it a breakup. Sigh.) Smith ended things and how I've felt so many different ways about it.

Most people are familiar with the stages of mourning or the grief cycle and I've been thinking about how what I've been going through fits perfectly into this model.

I think that I was in a denial phase for a really really long time. I think maybe while we were even still together I was trying to convince myself it was working better than it was and once things stopped going well at all I couldn't face it. I didn't want everything to be getting in the way of what I thought could be a good thing.

Somewhere in there a lot of bargaining took place. I kept on thinking of what I might be able to do to save the relationship. I started to consider things I didn't want to do and I started to try to force things to be different or to change, knowing all the while the more I forced it the less it worked.

And then the depression.

And anger.

And depression.

I'm not sure where I am right now. The stages aren't mutually exclusive and sometimes you cycle back and forth and in and out of them and there's no way of telling how different people will go through things or how different things will affect someone, so as you all reminded me, I'm not "supposed" to be anywhere, really.

I'm not sure I'm accepting that our relationship is over, so maybe I'm in some sort of bargaining stage again or something? I just know I've been missing Smith lately. The anger isn't as strong (seriously, it suddenly disappeared about two weeks ago and I can't figure out why) and I'm not feeling so blue anymore even though there's still a lot of sadness there.

I guess, right now, I'm feeling un-convinced that Smith is meant to be out of my life forever, but if he is, I believe that time will show me that and it'll be ok.

Maybe that's just denial in a different form.

It's certainly interesting to be able to look at it and see where I've been and what I've gone through. Blogs is good for that, eh?

I miss Smith and only time will tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The point is, it's a thing, and there's no point in trying to hurry that thing away.

My grief over what has gone on with the end of my relationship with Smith will run its course at its own rate. I'm going to try not to beat myself up over trying to be where I (or anyone else) think I "should" be.

"Be gentle with yourself" -Max Ehrmann

*A play on a beautiful song by the amazing Xavier Rudd, My Missing, the key words of which are "I miss you in my life" which is terrifically true for me. I miss Smith in my life and sometimes I think he feels the same way.