And Then There Were Two

There's a gal who spent some time in our spy cave this fall learning how to be a super duper spy. We got along great and became friends. (After the required ninja-skills battle, of course)

So this friend of mine is similar to me in that she loves to set people up. I don't have much luck with this seeing as I only know a couple of single guys and, well, to be quite honest, my Buddy (hi buddy!) is tired of me trying to set him up with any girl he's anywhere near. Sigh.

But anyway, Spy Girl has tried to suggest a couple of guys to me after hearing all about my issues with Smith and declaring him "a loser" long before that thought came anywhere near my consciousness.

The first guy she thought of, she didn't pursue because she said, and I quote, "You're like me and I think you would scare him." I guess high energy random thought-filled girls aren't his thing.

The second guy she thought of she thought was great, but let me know that he had two kids. "I'm not going to date anyone with kids again, SG, thanks." She assured me that he was a really great guy and that I didn't have to worry about the kids because he never saw them.

Um, know what? That only makes it worse.

So that didn't go anywhere either.

And then I went through the crap with the thing and decided that there would be no more dating, no more relationships, for me ever again. Like-a so.

Fast forward a week.

I get an email from Spy Girl telling me about this guy she thinks I should meet. "Um, no. I'm not dating ever again thanks. Oh, and by the way I just kind of called Smith accidentally on purpose."

She emailed me back right away (ok, maybe that's all we do sometimes, is email back and forth back and forth) and said that was fine. She wouldn't tell me any more about this guy and I could just die old and lonely smelling of cat pee and calling up my loser ex-boyfriend. (Her words, not mine, but still, she got her point across effectively, no?)

"FINE!" I email-shouted back at her. "Tell me about this stupid guy!"

So she tells me about this guy from her 5 am running group (the mere idea of which nearly makes me faint) who is athletic and fit (I like athletic and fit!) and nice. ( I like nice!) She's pretty sure he's single and wants to know if she can give him my email. She sends me a photo of him and he seems cute so I say, with a dramatic email sigh, that sure, she can give him my email. But only because I don't want to end up a crazy cat lady.

So on the same day I get an email from the old co-worker guy, I get this short, friendly email from this runner guy saying that our mutual friend thought we might be compatible and would I maybe like to meet and hang out some time.

Does that explain why I was sitting staring at two emails asking me out? Wait, that came out wrong. The emails weren't asking me out, they're inanimate. You know what I meant, right?

Really Didn't See That One Coming

I know this is so last season, but Burke just left Christina at the altar and I'm totally crying over it.

Satiating Your Curiosity. Or Not.

So last week, some of you were chomping at the bit to know what was going on with the two guys and the email asking out and whatnot.

(What's that? You weren't chomping at the bit? Well, pretend you were, otherwise I've got no intro to this post.)

So, let's all settle down with a nice cup of cocoa and let Aunty Victoria tell her story shall we? Good.

Ok, so, once upon a time a girl named Me asked her boyfriend Smith for a break and then we stayed together and then Smith broke up with me and I was very very sad. Er. Angry. Um. Unhappy.

Fast forward several months and after a whole lot of thinking and introspection (no, really) I realize that I'll never be able to go into relationships quite the same way. This realization makes me realize (nice writing there kiddo) that I have no idea how to *be* in a healthy, normally paced relationship. (More on this in another post, I'm sure)

So I decide that it'd just be best if I didn't date or anything of the like for a while. I knew I'd have to get back into things eventually, but just wasn't ready. Still too hurt, I suppose.

And then I noticed that I was starting to think guys were cute again and having little imaginary crushes in my head. But still not wanting to date.

And then I met a really great guy through this amazing workshop I went to and we hit it off. We hit it off as friends, but there was always the slight hint that something else might be there. We started spending hours talking on the phone and hanging out with other people we'd met and I told myself that this would be a safe person to consider getting to know romantically. And maybe smooch.

We made plans to hang out, just the two of us, a couple of times, and each time he just didn't. Didn't call to cancel, didn't back out, just didn't. The first time I just figured he was busy or sick. The second time? I was mad. Mad at him, absolutely, but also fell back into the pattern of being mad at myself for "trusting" the "wrong guy". ("I know!" "Quotations!")

It just felt so harsh,that I'd been keeping myself emotionally safe and re-building my trust and this one situation blew all that to shreds.

Imagine, for example, if you had a fear of flying due to a crash you'd been in once, but you and your counsellor worked on it over and over and you finally get up the guts to take a small flight to see your best friend's wedding or something, and the damn plane crashes on you. Would you ever want to fly again? Hells no. (But you might want to write a song about it, no?)

So then I found myself FOR SURE not going to date or even try to be romantically involved with a guy ever ever ever again.

(Or, at least for a long while.)

And now, boys and girls, our story brings itself closer to present days. How's your cocoa, need a bit more?

But first, a flashback. *Lost style swooshy music*

A few years ago, a young(er) spy came to temp at our office. We (the girls and I) rated him on cuteness and such, but he had a girlfriend so wasn't of too much interest to us. That summer, young buck runs into my girlfriend from work and asks her out. She's amused and flattered, but after a coffee date, lets him know that she's not interested in dating for cultural reasons. I, by this time, have written him off because, dude? He asked my girlfriend out first.

At some point last year he emailed me and said that he'd always found me attractive and would I like to go out on a date. I mulled it over, still rather annoyed that I was his back up ask out, and sent him back an email saying that while I was flattered I wasn't up for that right now. He emailed back right away apologizing, saying that in the meantime (you know, the whole week or so it'd taken me to write back) he'd started seeing someone and maybe some other time.

Next time I heard from him I was going out with Smith and we laughed about our constant bad timing.

It was a complete surprise to me, however, to get an email from him, the week after I'd declared myself headed for the nunnery, asking if I'd like to get together and talking about just how wonderful he's always thought I was.

Um. Right. Except when you asked my friend out instead of me? (Bitter much? Me? Nah!)

I emailed him back and said that while I wasn't really up for dating, he'd be more than welcome to come hang out with me and my spy co-workers when we let our hair down after work some day.

I thought this was a perfectly reasonable idea seeing as I felt horror at the idea of having to go on a date and not knowing this guy, I'd be able to hang out with him in a relaxed environment while having fun with my friends.

He felt that this wasn't really an ideal scene for him, having to get to know five or six people at once instead of just me and explained that he'd really rather just hang out the two of us. He was very funny about it and promised to bring cue-cards to avoid any awkward conversational lulls. I'll give him that much, he's funny in his emails. For sure.

And, now I'm nearly starving to death because I've been typing this forever so I'm going to stop for a while. But to conclude, I haven't said yes and I haven't said no to this guy. I don't think I want to go out one on one with him but on the other hand, maybe I should. Maybe I should just go ahead and give it a shot? I don't know.

And that's only half the story. I haven't even told you anything about the *other* guy.

Dude

I think someone just got married.

Either that or a whole lot of people are really really happy about an accident.

Messed That Up, Didn't I?

This post is just to let you know that I won't be posting today.

Wait.

Never mind. Shoot.

Y'all?

Will you be my Valentine(s)?

Dear Internet,

It's Victoria.

Have you seen my black pants?

Because I have no idea where they are.







Updated several hours later to add:
Never mind.
They were in my closet.
Hanging with my shirts.
Go figure.

Line It Up

It was just over a year ago that Smith and I met, got together, and got serious, all in one breath, seemingly.

Most of you, if you've been reading here long enough, know the rest of the story, or at least the bits I shared with you. The outline, the Cole's Notes, the "based on a true story" version of our relationship.

And you know how it ended and you know some of the struggles I've been through, personally, trying to push through those struggles and move on from him and us and what might have been.

But you don't know it all, you can't. No one does, except for me, and I'm still working on figuring it out what it means and who I am now, because so much has changed for me since this time last year and I'm not who I was then and that's good. That's life. That's growing. It's good. It's better, it'll be better, but I don't know quite how or when.

And this? This now? This me? Has never dated before. Has never been in a relationship before. I have all these old patterns and habits and they're all I know. But I can't do them any more, I can't rush into something. I can't sleep with someone I don't know just because I want to. I can't be "madly in love" with someone I just met. But I've never not done it that way.

I don't know any other way and after a seriously lame experience last month where I started seeing a guy and talking with him and wondering about him and he just bailed out on what was turning into a friendship with possibility, I really felt I didn't have, don't have, the emotional energy to try to learn how to be in a relationship with the changes I've gone through. Maybe it was all just too much too soon.

I don't know.

I'm not sure this post is making much sense. I'm trying to start trying to make sense, you know? Am figuring it out. I think.

This post isn't about Smith. It isn't about the guy who let me down. It's about me trying to balance and center myself and trying to figure out why the universe won't just let me do that.

Sure, there's more to be said, y'all know that. But one post at a time people, one post at a time.

Updated to add: Damn. I used the same photo twice. Must be slipping!

X is for Xavier Rudd

There, I did it! Found an X title, minijonb!

I know, I know, I'm way out of sequence, (again) but I got so excited I just couldn't help it.

If you ever, ever get a chance to see this guy, go.

Trust me.



Xavier Rudd - No Woman No Cry

On a non-musical note, *this* man is the embodiment of what I want in my life; someone who lives in passion, who loves, someone who makes a difference and cares about humanity and the earth and knows how to be alive. I want to be with someone who knows how to be alive.

Uh

I'm sitting here staring at two emails.

Apparently when guys email you to ask you out you're supposed to answer them.

Sigh.

Y'all were right. As soon as you don't want to date any more, for real? They come out of the woodwork.

But I still don't want to date.

Anyone want to send a couple of emails for me?

Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta*

Sometimes a good movie is made great by its music.

Sometimes the music is the movie.

Sometimes my favourite part of a tv show is the music it introduces me to. I can thank The OC for showing me some stunning tunes. And Friday Night Lights? Not just cute guys, but a perfect theme song. One of the best theme song / intro combos ever. It'll break your heart.


Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand in Mine

What's a movie you love for its music?




*Name dat movie!

And May it Be A Good One

新年快樂!

D is for Democracy

When I think about Canadian music, the Tragically Hip are the band I think of first. Fully Completely is an album that will always be in my Top 10 and which defines a certain era of my life. Effing great album thank you very much.


The Tragically Hip - Fully Completely

"D for Democracy" however, is a song from another Canadian band, one that I've mentioned here before.

Spirit of the West is a great band and have had a number of kick-ass songs over a long career. I saw them in a small local club a couple of years ago and was blown away by their live show. These are guys who've been doing this (very very well) for over twenty years and you could tell it was their absolute passion. The show was fantastic and every time they played a song I realized I knew it. They're just one of those groups that get into your consciousness no matter what. They're Canada.

Their most famous song isn't even my favorite of theirs. It's a massive song, mind you and I've never yet been at a party where this song didn't stop the whole crowd and get everyone up and dancing. And singing. And shouting.


Spirit of the West - Home For A Rest

My two most favouritestest songs from SotW are probably "If Venice is Sinking"


If Venice is Sinking - Spirit of the West

and one of the greatest angry* songs I know,"Is This Where I Come In?"


And, of course, the beautiful "July", from which I've been getting some post titles.


July - Spirit of the West

But, I digress. When I thought "D is for...?", this song title sprung into my head. And there you have it. An entire post brought to you by the letter D.




D for Democracy - Spirit of the West

So go buy these songs already. Trust me.



* A song you sing when you're angry!

Look Beneath

I think we all judge people, I think it's hard not to. When we first meet people, we look at their appearance and we assume something. When we see people with chains and boots and bald heads, we assume they are angry and tough and scary. When we see people with dreadlocks and backpacks and hemp shirts, we assume they are hippy, travelers who probably smoke their fair share of special cigarettes.

I think what's important is that we're aware that we're judging and that we remain open to finding out about the person beneath the exterior; the person underneath the shell.

One thing that I'm going to keep in mind is that as well as mis-judging someone negatively, it's possible that I'm mis-judging someone in an overly positive way; he might be really good looking and charming, but that doesn't mean he's a good person.

I need to remember to look closer and not just cling to what I see and hear at first. Know what I mean?

I've Never Been Good At Following Directions

So Abstract Jenn was terribly kind and gave me a "You Make My Day" award the other day.

Part of the honour of this lovely award is that I'm to pass on the joy to five other blogs who make my day.

Dude. Just five? Shoot. All of a sudden it was like having to tell you which was my favourite Led Zeppelin song. Not. Possible. Too. Many!

So I figured I'd be a little different and point you to five awesome sites that, while technically not blogs, definitely make my day.

Maybe they'll make yours too.

Thanks for the nod Jenn!

And without further ado... some of the non-blog sites that make my day:

1. Pearls Before Swine comic strip. Makes me laugh every. Single. Time.

2. I Can Has Cheezburger? You'll either love this or just not get it. It kills me. In a good way.

3. Apple.com Movie Trailers. Weird, eh? I just love watching movie trailers. It's true.

4. Flickr. I check in daily and if I ever need inspired, I just flick through the Explore archives. Beautiful. I still remember how excited I was when I got to 100 views. It's stunning to me to think that people enjoy my photos. Flickr is really cool that way.

5. OK, this is another odd one, but I get a kick out of checking the weather. I'll often (especially in snow season) check three or four different sites, but the Environment Canada site is the only one I check daily. Again, I'm weird that way.

I Forgotted!

So Happy Groundhog day, um, a coupla days ago.

Here's a squirrel!

I wonder if he saw his shadow too?

Not that six more weeks of winter will mean much to us, here in Non-Snow Bubble land, with the cherry blossoms already showing up n stuff. But yeah, I forgot this year. Luckily, I didn't have to repeat the day over and over.

Of all the weird thoughts going through my brain right now, the one that popped into my head as I started writing this post was "hmmm, I wonder what's under people's beds?"

I have a pair of runners under mine. In case of earthquake. You know, to protect my tootsies form the broken glass.

What's under yours? Go look!

Balancing Things Out

I decided in order to counter-balance some of the chest thumping, beer drinking, testosterone sharing that's going on in North America this afternoon I'd do the girliest things I could.

So, here's a picture of a cute little baby animal.

And now I'm going to take a bubble bath, do my toenails and watch Season three of Grey's Anatomy.

No, really I am.

I may even eat chocolate and/or ice cream!

Imagine I Just Called You. This is my End of the Conversation.

Hey. It's Victoria.

Oh, not much. Well, actually, yeah. No.

I wanted to talk to you. I, um.

Well, I just called Smith.

No, I know. I don't know why, I just did.

No, I'm not drunk.

Or crazy, thank you very much.

No, I'm not trying to get him back. I just felt like calling him.

I don't know.

No. He wasn't home.

I wasn't sure he would be.

Well, it's Saturday night.

He's probably out.

I don't know, visiting his family? Friends?

No he's not on a date, why would you say that? That's a horrible thing to say! Don't you know that all of my exes turn into monks because they can't see themselves dating anyone after me? Why would you ever ask that, la la la la I'm not listening!

No, he's probably just with his folks. Seriously, I hadn't thought about that til you brought it up. Can we just pretend he'll never date again? Kay. Thanks.

Yeah.

No, I was totally nervous. As in, heart thumpingly nervous.

No. I hung up when the answering machine came on.

Well, what was I going to say? I can't leave a message, what would I have said?

I don't know why I called, I told you I don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do.

Yeah, I know. I'm not saying it was smart. No, I don't really know why I did either. Does it matter? I just guess I wanted to see what was going on with him. Plus, I would have called DD, but I can't remember his last name to look up his number.

Yeah. Maybe it's just the nostalgic blues. Oh well.

*pause*

Wanna go see Juno?

Get out more? I've been out enough thank you very much.

So what if it is Saturday , it's only 5. Maybe there's a wild party I'm going to and I just haven't told you about it.

No. There isn't. But I am going to the gym.

Hmm?

No, yeah, the back's better, thanks. So, call me tomorrow?

Um, yeah, no. Not even for the commercials.

Later dude.

February Waits For March To Spring Back Again

Wait...where'd January go?
Wasn't it just New Year's?

Oohhhhhh, Right!

I woke up this morning wondering why I'd been dreaming about Italian mob bosses flirting with me.

And then I remembered.

Ummmmm.... Yeah.. No.

You know, I'm just not going to ever date again.

No, really.

I have re-dipped my toe back in the dating pool and found that it's not a place I want to be. So now my toes and all the rest of me is being taken back off the shelf to live happily ever after as a single girl therefore never having to worry about changing the name of this site.

I really can't be bothered and I really don't have the emotional energy and I really can't put up with one more lame situation so I'm done.

So. Yeah. How YOU doin?

Another TV Crush

I want to sleep with Tommy Donnelly, but I'd settle for heavy petting.

I'm only one episode in though, so this may be a temporary crush. We'll see.

How Am I Supposed to Sleep Now?

Now you may not believe me, but that's snow falling in them thar hills.

Er. From them thar clouds.

Or somethin.

Anyway, my point is, it's a snowin!

And it may be wet and drippy, but it's snow and it's falling and they say there will be more and my hopes are high that it's just going to keep on keeping on.

Seriously. I'm not going to be able to sleep what with having to jump out of bed and check outside every ten minutes.



Updated to add: PS. Don't click on the picture to make it bigger. Trust me. It ends up looking totally creepy big. *shudder*

Tuesday morning: Nevermind. (insert sad face here)

B is for Boyfriends

I think I promised you that sometime this century soon, I'd tell you more about my ex-boyfriends. So, where to start....

Most of my boyfriends I've met through friends. Er. Maybe all of them now that I come to think of it.

Other than Smith, DD is probably the ex-boyfriend I've talked about most here. Talked most about? Talked about most? Wha? Huh?

DD, as it turned out, was in one of the many tourist industry jobs in town and a good friend of mine was working at the same place as a summer job. (Hey, you gotta pay your way through University some way, right?) At the end of the season they held a party and I went with my friend to keep her company. And possibly to drink and meet cute boys. I forget.

DD and I ended up sitting next to each other and talking as I was leaving he stopped me and asked for my number. Thus leading, later that week, to the car door kiss. Which led later to the "well it's so late, can I just sleep over?" Which led to etc. etc. Which was complicated by him leaving two months later to live on the other side of the world for nearly a year. Ahhhh long distance. How you haunt me.

Any other fascinatingly boring boyfriend stories I can tell you?

Eeeeeeeeeee!

It's so totally snowing right now and even if it only lasts for a few minutes it's awesome but just in case I'm going to go get some movies to watch because it's snowing and YAY!

I Make Television Ads For A Living

Well, ok, no. I don't. But sometimes I wish I did.

I saw this one the other day:


Lexus Ad - Moments

and thought it was sweet. A nice message.

And then it reminded me of this:


Honda TV Commercial (UK)

One of the coolest commercials I've ever seen. I mean just think; someone had to write that "music" and that choir performed it. How friggin cool is that?

I don't think I'm influenced by commercials, but I do enjoy the good ones. They're like mini-movies.

And now, I'm going to go make sound effects as I go about my day.

*click*

Then Go Answer Your Door

It was about this time two years ago that one of the sweetest things a guy's ever done for me happened. Occurred? Took place? (Please put the appropriate words in there cuz I can't come up with them. Or maybe just scratch the whole sentence. Yeah, let's do that.)

A couple of years ago I was having a small get together of people (Otherwise known as pee-pees, for those of you playing along at home) over to celebrate my birthday with Jello shots and cake. (Holy smokes it's bad writing day today, please bear with me.)

The guy I was seeing at the time had just recently moved up to Courtenay for an excellent job opportunity and we weren't really sure how things were going to work. I'd invited him to the party but what with him working late and the three or so hour drive he just couldn't make it. I was pretty disappointed but told him I understood and that maybe we'd be able to see each other next weekend.

About nine o'clock the night of the party he called to see how things were going. I took the phone into my bedroom to avoid the teasing and cat-calling of my friends (the Jello shots were strong man!) and he told me how much he wished he could be there since it sounded like we were all having fun.

I told him we were and that he should be there too and that I missed him.

"You miss me?" he said.

"Yep." I replied, eloquent as usual.

"You wish I was there?" he asked.

"I do." I answered.

"Then go answer your door." He said and hung up the phone.

I don't think I've ever blushed so much in my entire life as I did when he showed up, completely unannounced, an utterly adorable surprise right at my door. I think I forgot my own name. We had a great time and everyone thought it was adorable and I was, apparently, the cutest wreck for a little while. (The Jello shots helped settle my nerves.)

It really was the sweetest thing and the best surprise and a wonderful gift. He was a real sweetheart and I hope he's doing well. Sometimes I forget about the good guys.

Dude!

I have no idea how I did it, but my Mom just told me about this website where you can help donate rice.

And dudes, I managed to add a functioning button to take you right there! I'm like some kind of genius who has absolutely no idea what I'm doing but managed to do it anyway, go me!

Go check it out, kay?

Not Like Winter With No Snow*

It really has been an odd winter for me so far. And maybe by writing this I'll un-jinx myself and end up with just what I'm talking about not having. (You following? I'm trying to work reverse psychology on Mother Nature. Let's hope it confuses her too!)

Usually, by now we'll have had a couple of small snowfalls. Normally, a couple in November that don't stick, maybe one or two that does and certainly by January we'll have had a few.

This year we just keep not getting it. They keep saying we're going to get it. Some. Probably. And then we don't. It's bizarre.

I'm not going all "global warming" here because the Island is getting some snow and Vancouver is getting some snow and "higher elevations" (wherever that is) is getting some snow. Just not my Greater Victoria Regional District.

If nothing else, it's showing me what an inexact science meteorology must be. I wonder if they're shaking their heads just as much as I am.

Not that I'm completely giving up hope. Spring's still a little ways off and I do remember a couple of March flurries a few years back.

Just in case (and yes, I did research on this just for you) let's all wear our pj's inside out, put white crayons in our freezers, flush ice down the toilet and sleep with spoons under our pillows.

Oh, and we may as well cross our fingers while we're at it, no?


*A slight twisting of a song from one of my favourite seasonal movies that I somehow didn't get around to watching this year.

I'm incredibly shocked by Heath Ledger's death. It makes me very sad and I'm surprised by that.

Don't really want to talk about it. I just wanted to say it. Young people shouldn't die.

Lost in Translation

In my mind "I'll be done by seven" means "I'll call you around seven."

Apparently it means something completely different in guy speak?

True Story

There was a boy in my high school who could undo your bra by snapping his fingers right up against the strap in the middle of your back. Through your clothes. Which was really embarrassing because it meant you'd have to grab your "girls" and run to the nearest washroom to re-hook.

No, I don't know why this thought suddenly popped into my head either.

Relationships Are Confusing

Dear Victoria,

Ow.

Yours sincerely,
Your back


Dear Back,

Where did that come from?

With all sorts of respect and alternating heat and ice,
Victoria


Dear Victoria,

If I have to tell you, obviously you don't love me enough.

Yours,
Your back


My dearest Back,

I do love you, I just, in all honesty, have no idea what I did, or possibly, didn't do and would really appreciate it if you would just tell me so that I can avoid repeating whatever it is I did, unknowingly, to hurt you. We're a good team and I think we should work through things together.

Your biggest fan,
Victoria


Victoria,

You're sleeping on the couch tonight. Just don't even talk to me.

Back

And Light

Sometimes it's like we walk around with the shadows of our past relationships hanging over us, setting us up to fear things that haven't even happened yet, somehow inviting them to happen so that we can be proved right.

Maybe we need to remember some of the good things we got out of those relationships instead of focussing so hard on the "bad" things.

My past relationships have taught me so much that I need to remember.

I also like to think that each one that ends is bringing me that much closer to the one that won't.

Shadows aren't dark without the light. It just takes time, sometimes, and distance, to remember and see.

C is for Candy and C is for Chocolate

I've been thinking a lot lately about candy and chocolate. Chocolate more so, since it's one of my favourite things. I used to go through chocolate phases and while OHenry has recently moved back into my hall of love, for a while there it was all about Caramilk thick. (Which, despite what they might try to tell you, does not taste the same as the smaller bars, it tastes BETTER!) I should also give out honourable mentions to M&M's peanut (and on a very rare occasion peanut butter), and milk chocolate Hershey's bar (which I've only ever found in the States or Mexico). And if you open up a box of chocolates? I call dibs on the orange creams.

In the "no thank you" pile, I'd have to put Coffee Crisp and black liquorice.

As for candy? I'm not sure I'd say I have a favourite, but I do tend to enjoy Starburst/Skittles type things. And, Grape flavoured candies are the best, orange second, and banana or watermelon flavours aren't even worth trying. I'll usually skip over lemon and lime too. Soda bottles are good, but only in large size and... bubble gum flavoured gum.

But if you really want to win me over? Fry's Cream Bar or Cadbury's Cream Egg.

Mmmmmm.....

*drifts off into sugary dreamland*

And did you know that Smarties here aren't the same as Smarties in the US? And did you know that if you get them from the UK, the orange ones have the most delectable flavour?

(PS. I know I'm out of order with the alphabet thang. I do have a "B" post out there, it's just not finished. Yet.)

Seasonal

I like this time of year.

And maybe I say that every season, but it's true. I like this time of year.

There were a bunch of pretty sunsets and then these awesome windstorms, and should we be lucky enough to get some snow, that's always awesome too.

I'm lucky that I don't have to spend much (if any) of my day out in the wild rain and weather so I get to admire it from inside. Especially in the evenings when I curl up under my blanket and drink hot drinks.

Winter's good and January's good.

It's all good, really.

What's the best part of Winter for you? (Or Summer, if that's where ye be.)

Help Me Out Here

It's ok to have a total crush on characters from a tv show, right?

Even if they're in a show set in a high school?

Say What?

They asked me if I knew where they were supposed to be and I held up my list and said

"No, I only have a list of my pee pees"



Which, really, isn't what I meant at all.

I didn't even have to go to the bathroom. It's just that I meant to say "people", but my brain thought "peeps" and somehow my mouth came up with "pee pees".


I had to walk away because there was really nothing else to say.






I'm still laughing every time I think about it.

Spamalot!

For your viewing pleasure and unending amusement, I'm going to share with you with some of the lovely emails I got in my inbox over the last week. I can't decide which of the last two's my favourite, really.

And let us begin. Like a so:

She'll beg for more. "Why settle for what you have?"
Yeah, why settle for what you have? Wait... who... me? Who's this "she" and what's she going to be begging for anyway?

BIG CAS1N0 Party BIG JACKPOT CA$H DOLLARS!! "Your Winnings! Are waiting!"
Um, ok, but I don't know how to play poker and the one time I went to a casino I was both creeped out and bored. But I'll take my winnings if they're just sitting there waiting for me, thanks.

Few inches longer? "Don't settle for less"
My hair? You can grow it a few inches longer? Sweet!

Esoogzya "After taking VPXL, I can have sex all night long
OK, awesome. I'm happy for you. I'll be asleep, so maybe call me when you're done? (By the way, we're talking about eating the consonants from Alphaghetti, right?)

How about the best service around? "Play your favorite games from the comfort of your home, USA players ARE included!"
Awww, shucks, I'm not in the USA and I so wanted to play Cranium!

FDA Pharmcy Online! - 75-90% OFF! "Buy Viagra Now!"
Nah, I'm good thanks. PS. You spelled Pharmacy wrong.

Perfectly crafted exclusive watches rolex "Perfectly crafted luxury timepieces...the finest of products at the LOWEST prices!!"
And just when I was looking for a new watch!

Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year! "Check our amazing proposition now!"
A super sized one eyed monster? Awesome! Can I name him whatever I want? And pet him?

Don't turn up your nose at this offer unless you're real hung! " Don't you think it's derogatory, when they call your male stick a "baby carrot"?" Wait, hung as in dead old-west style? I'm not sure how that'd do any of us any good really.

Don't Mention the War *

Oh hey y'all. Just thought you'd like to know what I saw in the store today.



Easter candy.



That's right.



January 10th. Easter's a comin!




Hippity hop hop, that means I don't have to do Valentine's day. Yay!



*

Updated Jan. 21st to add:

I just bought my first Cadbury's Creme Egg of the year. Hey, if they're selling them, I figure I should buy some before they run out. Or some other such logic.

Yes, I feel a little dirty when I think about how fast I ate it.

No, I waited 'til I was home. I wanted to eat it in the car though.

Internal Dominoes

Things




I've sat staring at that word there for a while now not really sure how to continue... things are... things right now.... so many things. Things.

For the most part, I try to keep my bad stuff away from here. I feel that if I tell people...the world out there, the things that are bothering me or upsetting me, all I'm really doing is sharing negative energy, sharing negativity. Not adding anything good to the world.

But there also comes a point where not sharing the bad things becomes just not sharing. And that's where I seem to have stuck myself lately. Just not sharing. I need to. You can stop reading now, visit the places that make you happy, this isn't one of those places today. Tomorrow perhaps, but not today.

A while ago, I kind of mentioned there was something going on with my stomach. There still is, and we (being the Doctor and I) haven't figured out yet what it is.

I've been having tests and so far we know that it's not an ulcer.

Which, to be honest, is what I was hoping for. See, a stomach ulcer, as painful as it can be, is curable. Treatable. Diagnosable. An "easy" fix, so to speak. Take these pills, don't drink for a while, learn to relax. But I don't seem to have that.

All I know is that I'm in pain most of the day, which really sucks. I've also had to learn a few things over the past few months.

I've learned that food can quickly become your worst enemy, which is hard when it's what you're supposed to use to nourish yourself and I've learned that when you can't drink people ask you if you're pregnant and I've learned that whenever you mention to someone that you have some kind of health problem they've often had something worse themselves. Or they know someone who has. (As my Dad said, everyone likes to "out misery" the next guy. ) I've also learned that popping Pepto-Bismol and Gaviscon for months on end is probably a sign that your body is trying to tell you something.

I'm just not sure what.

I'm anxious now that since the answer hasn't been the simple one, it's going to be something more difficult to live with. What do they call it? Chronic. Something that you learn to manage but that never goes away.

It's tough. I fight the battle in my head all the time "other people have it worse", "suck it up", "get on with things". But, dude, it's no longer a matter of maintaining the status quo, physically, it's now a matter of trying to get through one day at a time without feeling worse than I did this time yesterday.

Not a battle I'm currently winning.

The title of this post comes from the feeling I have that I'm this dangerously balanced thing right now. Everything's so connected, and everything's so hard. One tiny little thing can set off this cascade of problems and it's the most backwards type of feeling. Imagine those guys who set up those massive domino courses but every time they got near the end of setting it up they did something, even accidentally, that knocked it over. So they'd start to set it up again. But somehow it gets cascaded again. And again. And again. Days and days of it over and over, never really sure what was going to cause the first domino to wobble, never entirely sure if the next thing was going to undo everything all over again.

You get the idea.

Physical health, our bodies, are so amazing. So much of how we function is interconnected. So when there's a bad day that leads into a sleepless night, that may mean the next days going to be worse. And when things are starting to feel a little bit better and I just want to have a little fun like I used to be able to, say maybe some good food, it can throw me off for weeks. Everything cascades. Which is hard on me mentally, which makes it harder to sleep. Which means the next days are going to be rough, which means things that might not have set me off the day before might which means..etc...etc.

So there's a lot going on. The knots in my stomach I've always felt, the worries and emotions and fears I've always "stuffed down" have become literal. They've manifested themselves physically.

I'm going to have to change. Maybe everything.

So that's where I'm at.

Things.

I don't know what those things are, but they're there, and right now they're hard to get away from.

Pain's like that. Physical or emotional.

Here's hoping healing one will heal the other.

It's all inter-related you know. I just need the strength to do it.

Besides a Pony and a Puppy

What's something you always wanted for Christmas or your birthday but never got as a kid?

Me? I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven.

I'm not sure why. Probably the lure of treats.

It Was All A Bad Dream Spinning In Your Head

I've been having some pretty intense dreams lately, what with the wacky sleeps and all the emotions that fly around at this time of year and stuff.

The last few ones I've remembered have been about Smith. Or, at least, a Smith-like character. (You know how in dreams you know who the person is even if it's not quite them? Yeah. That.)

In the one last night the transport hover train he was in (with the Forces) crashed but he and this girl (kind of me) survived and had to walk through the forest away from it. And then we had to sneak into a hotel but when we did I became him and he became the girl and we couldn't find a room and the hotel was scary.

I know, it may not sound like much, but trust me, it was one of those hideous nightmares that you just want to be over even though at the time you don't know it's a dream. Actually, all of these have been that intense. And hard to break out of.

Around Christmas time I had a dream where Smith showed up unannounced at my house. Well, my awesome mansion actually! And he brought a litter of kittens and a bunch of girls who were all trying out for his show which was like a combo of evil-Bachelor and Next Top Model. The girls were all teenage versions of the nasty girls I went to highschool with and Smith had brought them on purpose knowing they'd be mean to me and dude, they were. All blonde and leggy and mean mean girls.

And then there was the weird one (as if the others weren't weird enough) where we were on a ship travelling through the Arctic (but the Arctic with trees, this beautiful place) and when we went outside so I could take some photos of the scenery, this massive rogue wave appeared and knocked us over and we barely made it back inside the ship and then the whole thing sunk.

Bad, bad, bad, they've all been bad. And to be frank, I'm a little tired of dreams that are less than restful.

I'm getting better at leaving them behind, but the ones with a Smith-esque person seem to stick with me longer than most. Good ol' subconscious eh?

I guess I hope he's ok, but my brain's sure as heck letting me know that it thinks being with Smith isn't a good thing for me.

I get it brain. Now how 'bout some happy dreams, kay?



Queensryche - Silent Lucidity

January Follows December With A Month Of Rain *

Well, actually, around here lately, it's been more like a month of wind.

And, yes, I'm aware that January is merely beginning and that, yes, it has been raining, but dude. The wind? Has been awesome.

It's funny, it seems as if everyone around us has been getting some snow. (My girlfriend on the mainland even got a white Christmas!) But we just keep missing it. Or it keeps missing us. The wind however, has been a really regular visitor, and one I quite like. Wind is exciting and energizing and in the best of situations, power outaging. (Come on, y'all know they're fun when they're just long enough to let you get all cozy under blankets and use candles to play board games just before bed, right?)

So, yes, there may be rain, but I've hardly noticed it for all the wind.


*Remember?

A Summary of My Dating History

Srsly


Heh

Les Choses

I had a gift certificate for the book store so I swung by the mall to pick me up a new book. I was surprised by how many people were there trying to find a parking spot.

Writing is a habit, one that I'm not really in anymore. The good news is that the stories are coming back into my head. Now I just have to get myself to sit down and write them out. Why is it so easy to start a bad habit but not a good one?

This week's been a little mentally hectic. More on that later, maybe. For now I'm completely hooked to the first season of Heroes. I'm even dreaming it.

They lowered the GST (that's one of our taxes). I don't really have much to say about that.

I'm craving a sesame seed bagel right now.

What do you do to calm your mind?

I am exactly here right now:

It's Like a Horoscope. But Funnier!

So, hey, I completely stole this from Celebrate Woo-Woo!

I hope you enjoy reading it as much I did hers. At the very least, you'll get to see some of what I've got in my music library.

Here's what I gone and done
1. Put iTunes on shuffle so that random songs come up.
2. Pressed play.
3. Wrote down each song as the answer to each question as it came up.
4. Laughed hysterically at times and nodded wisely at others.

Q. What would best describe your personality?
A. I Found A Reason (Cat Power)
OK, sure. As in... I found a reason to do something? To live? To be? *shrug*

Q. If some one says it's okay you say...
A. Ramalama Bang Bang (Roisin Murphy)
Hmmmmm, right. Not sure I've ever said that in conversation, but maybe it's the thought that counts?

Q. What do you like in a guy?
A. Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
Erm.

Q.How do you feel today?
A. Closer to Fine (Indigo Girls)
Fair enough. True dat.

Q.What is your life's purpose?
A. These Eyes (The Guess Who)
Oooooh, deep man. Just... not sure what that means. It'd be awesome if I was an optometrist though and this came up, no?

Q. What is your motto?
A. Embryonic Journey (Jefferson Airplane)
Ok, yeah, if by "embryonic" you mean safe and happy and warm...

Q. What do your friends think of you?
A. Sunshine (Handsome Boy Modelling School)
Well I hope so anyway! Actually, one of my good friends calls me this as a nickname. *beam*

Q. What do you think of your friends?
A. A Whiter Shade of Pale (Procol Harem)
I'm not sure if this is a statement of race or the fact that... uh... I don't know. Maybe we all need a little more sunshine?

Q. What do you think of your parents?
A. Girl (Beatles)
OK, yeah, I have no idea here. I don't have two Mommies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Q.What do your parents think of you?
A. Cruising Together (Hewey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow)
We're going on a cruise? Sweet! Oh, or maybe we're just cruising through life together. Maybe that's it.

Q. What do you think about very often?
A. Beat Me (Magnet)
I just have nothing to say here.

Q. What do you think of your best friend(s)?
A. Head over Feet (Alanis Morissette)
I do love my best friends, that's true. And they do help me try to stay sane when I go all loopy over silly guys.

Q. What do you think of the person you love?
A. Yet Another Movie (Pink Floyd)
I'm not even sure who this'd be referring to. Maybe I want my love stories to be like movies? I'm not currently in love with anyone besides myself. (Awwwwwwwww, that's so cute!)

Q.What is your life story?
A. I Am Ready For Love (India Arie)
I am?

Q. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Goldfinger (Shirley Bassey)
So damn true.

Q. What do you think when you see the person you love?
A. Never Tear Us Apart (INXS)
Yeah, I do think that.

Q. What is your hobby/interest?
A. Let's Get It On (Marvin Gaye)
Oh my lord, I'm so embarrassed right now.

Q. What will they play at your funeral?
A. Grave Digger (Dave Matthews)
Good choice. Poignant and appropriate.

Q. What is your biggest secret?
A. Easy Lover (Spain)

Again with the embarrassment.

*slinks off*

Please Sing This Off Key To An Opera Type Song Of Your Making

La la laaaaaaa!
I am not sleeping
Because I can not!

Again!

Even though it is three am.

A.  MMMMMMMM.

It is my own fault too
I knew better than to sleep in so late

As in
Two
PEEEE EMMMMMMMMM
In the afternoon

(Oy vey)

So now
ow ow owwwwwwww
I'm awake
and so is a bird.

I thought I'd get up and write posts for you oooo oooooo
but they're all stuck inside
my brain.

or what's left of it.

mushy like.

So ta da! Instead.... a psychedelic sunset for you
(holy smokes
I can't believe
I spelled that right)

Let's all hope I can get
an acupuncture appointment
tomorroooooooooooooooooow.
So that I can sleep. I like to sleep. Oh yes I do!

(insert heavy metal guitar screeching solo here while banging head)

*Victoria bows to wild applause*

Bad Idea, This

I'm watching a scary movie and every time I mumble "stupid girl" I don't know if I'm talking about the girl in the movie who knows better than to do that or if I'm talking about myself, for watching it all alone in the evening when there's no daylight out!

Gah


How's your New Year going so far?

Happy Hogmanay My Loves, May 2008 Bring You All You Wish For And More.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gies a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Hi!

I'm here, just a little out of it.

Christmas was good and flashed past with double the people around our table from when I was growing up.

Then there was busy stuff and more busy stuff and now I have a cold to fight off so all I'm up to today and tomorrow is napping.

It's not so bad really!

I'll see youse soon though. Just not todazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When The Bell Tolls One, God Bless Us Everyone

"I don't know anything,
I never did know anything,
But now I know,
That I don't know,
All on a Christmas morning...
I must stand on my head!"



"What an intelligent boy. A remarkable boy!"



Best. Movie. Ever.



I love the idea that we can all become who we're meant to be if we could just "come to our senses" and realize that's it's not about money but about love and caring.



If I'm not around in the next few days I hope that you're making very merry with your family, friends, loved ones, or whoever you're surrounding yourselves with right now.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Best of the season to you.


Love and joy to you and yours.

You Know

You know it's been a while when you go through your purse, find condoms you'd forgotten you put in there and discover that they're expired.

You know you've moved on when you can't even come up with a person to fantasize about.

You know it's the longest day of the year when you leave the house in the dark and come home in the dark!


Happy Winter Solstice all.*


Your turn now. What do you know?


*Well all y'all in the Northern Hemisphere anyway!

I Friggin Love Kids

A is for Alphabet

You know how sometimes you click on a link on someone's blog and then you click on another link there and so on and so on?

Well, yeah. I did that this weekend and someone somewhere out there had a post with a title similar to this one.

But much further down the alphabet line, so to speak.

It got me thinking that maybe I could use it as inspiration for posts when I'm stuck for stuff to say. Like, now. And stuff.

So thanks, person out there in cyberspace!



PS I may have to go away for a little while here, I'll let you know.

Don't Go Changing

Change is hard.

Whether the change is forced upon you or self inflicted, chosen, directed, whatevered, it's still hard.

Some people do well with change, thrive on it, seek it out, enjoy it. (I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering.) But change is still hard. Difficult.

And change is hardest when you're trying to change how you walk through your life because the people around you also don't like change and while they may not know they're doing it, sometimes they make it very hard for you to change.

Once, when I was going through a particularly bad patch in my life, my brother told me he didn't care if I became a "Bible basher" as long as I was happy. I've always remembered him saying that and I love the sentiment. I'm just not sure how it would work out in real life. Family is like that. They like you just the way they've always known you, even if that way hasn't been great for you.

Small changes I've made around my family do not go un-noticed. My family is famous for backhanded comments so while I'm carefully taking the paper out of the garbage and putting it into the recycling bin, for example, it's not unusually for a few "tree hugger, tofu eater" type comments to be thrown my way. I'm not known for having the toughest skin, especially around my family so it makes things hard.

Now, I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly walk into my parents' house on Christmas day and announce that I'm getting a sex change operation and could they all call me Victor now please, I'm just saying that making changes in your life and in yourself is hard enough. Trying to maintain these changes becomes even more difficult with family. Especially if you're not quite sure what these "changes" would look like.

How is it with you? Would your parents and family support you no matter what? Do they already? Have you become someone your family didn't think you "really" were? Or do you just figure family is family?

I know I can't expect them to go changing, but I do think back to what my brother said. What would they all do if I walked in and had become a different version of myself? If I insisted we all spend an hour each evening discussing the Bible or my love of tofu and dreadlocks? Would they be happy as long as I was?

Something to wonder about, that's for sure.

Analyze This!

The other morning I had this dream I can't quite figure out.

I was in my bed at the house I last lived in with my parents. Except the bed was bigger and more comfortable and had flowy white sheets and covers n stuff and I don't know why I was living there.

Lying next to me was my boyfriend (some kinda super hot hybrid of Smith and this guy) and it was morning time in the dream too. I guess he was staying over at my parents' for a visit, but had snuck into my room since we (obviously) weren't allowed to sleep together under my parents' roof. (And, yes, this rule still stands.) But in the dream we had just slept together, nothing more, but we were naked. *shrug*

So, anyway, I rolled over and started seducing this boyfriend of mine with kisses on his adorably freckled back. (I know, wild and crazy, huh?) And, as these things go, he started to get... uh... interested... and turned towards me.

Just as the dream was about to get interesting and his hand was inches away from making contact with my thigh (seriously, it was the hottest G-rated dream ever) he burst into tears. "But what about the soldiers?" he sobbed. "They all died!"

And that was the end of that. No dream nookie for me. Sigh. What was that all about, y'all?

I'm figuring the soldiers thing must be Smith related, no?

Call to Action

Waiting For the World To Change
John Mayer

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

 
John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change

I think it's time we stop waiting. The world's not going to change if we all just sit back and wait.

It's time for change. Make it.

We have the power to bring our neighbours home from war.
We have the means to rise above and beat the power of everything that's going on in the world.
We have the strength to stand for something.

Make change. Stop waiting.

The world won't change if we don't ask it/tell it/force it to.

Let's be done waiting.

Find your change. Be it.

Dude.

I did it again!

$44.77 in the first shop and $50.50 in the next.

Sweet.

Heh

It's a rainy Sunday evening and I decide that after the gym I should pick up some milk and crazy glue. (I know, it's an odd combination, but I bought someone a cute Christmas ornament and the top popped off so I figured I'd glue it back on. Plus, I ran out of milk. I may have purchased chocolate too, I'm pretending that I can't remember, but you know I did!)

As I leave the store the guy coming towards me is checking me out so I decide, what the heck, I may as well return the favour and see if he's cute. And as we're doing the whole "hey hot stuff I'm checking you out" thing we both realize that we, in fact, know each other (fairly intimately!) and while he keeps on walking with his girlfriend we exchange amused "Hey! How are you? Good!"s with each other and keep on walking.

I find myself terribly amused by the whole thing, partly because it reminded me that I have good taste in guys (dude is hot) and because I never thought this guy was the most trustworthy and there he was checking me out while wandering around with his lady friend. Oh, and because it means I'm still super hot even after sweating it out at the gym on a Sunday night.

Go me!

Balance

is hard to find.

isn't as straightforward as it seems.

is something that when you're not in it, seems fleeting.

is the most important thing.

is where I want to be in all things.

is groovy.

You May Not Understand This

But I'm crying right now because I missed this:

The set:
Good Times Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time Of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Under Foot
Nobody's Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I've Been Loving You
Dazed And Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains The Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll

I know I'll never be able to see Bonham, that's sad enough, but I've already seen Page and Plant and would really like to see John Paul Jones. I think he's the most overlooked member of my true loves.

D'you Know What I Mean?

Anyone else eat Stoned Wheat Thins?

Anyone else ever get a box that just tastes so damn perfect you never want it to end?

Anyone?

Help me out here.

If You Live in This Part of The World

Check this guy out.

Honestly?

Okay. This is not a delicate post. If you're sweet and innocent and not wanting to read about things like man parts, (or are my Mom) go here instead.

You've been warned!

I've been getting a lot of spam lately about my penis.

Now you and I know I don't have one, but none of the spammers seem to be aware of this minor detail.

Apparently were I a man and my d!ck was bigger, I'd finally make my lady happy, I'd be able to stop paying for sex, and I'd be fighting the ladies off. Amongst other things.

Which makes me wonder. Who's believing this stuff?

In all honesty, the best sex I've ever had was with a guy who wasn't particularly big. And some of the er, less enjoyable sex has been with guys who were biggerly endowed.*

So I need your help, y'all. I need to find out if I'm the odd one out here. Ladies, do you honestly wish most of the guys you've been with were larger? Guys, do you really think we want you to have bigger schlongs? Do you really think it makes our sexual experience better?

For me? Bigger is not better. In fact, it's often worse. But maybe that's just me.

What say you? Let's be honest here. Are the spammers onto something? Does it even matter?

Honestly? Does a bigger you-know-what equal better sex?

I vote unequivocally no.



*Well, if I wasn't still a virgin, of course. I'm just speculating from things I've heard.

Hmmmmm....

OK, so this is a little odd...

When I turned off comment moderation, I made sure that Blogger was sending your comments to my email so that I could see that I had a new comment and respond. (I love comments, yay!)

But today only every third or fourth comment is getting forwarding. It's odd.

I'm hoping that it's just a glitch today, but if for some reason I don't respond or say anything to a comment from you, it's not that I'm ignoring you, it's that I didn't know it was there. ( I don't love not knowing I have new comments, boo!)

So yeah. Here's hoping it sorts itself out.

Sharing Time

I think it's time we get to know each other even better, don't you?

I was thinking about it. I think sometimes it's easier to share things with people who are relative strangers than it is to share with people who know you. Which got me thinking...

What's something I probably wouldn't find out about you if we knew each other "in real life"?

Me? I kind of collect stamps.

I just never tell anyone about it because it's a little embarrassing. You know?

And no, I don't know what the photo has to do with anything. It's no secret that I like taking photos. (Insert suspicious voice here ) Or eeees it?

What about you?

Warm Fuzzies

Hey, thanks y'all, for being so nice n supportive and kind and stuff.


What you had to say really helped cheer me up. You're awesome.


I knew there was a reason I loved you guys so much!

Keep the good stuff coming.

And, thanks.

The Update I Really Don't Feel Like Making

I've mulled this post over for a couple of days and figure it's bothering me enough that I may as well babble it out here.

That helps sometimes.

Smith emailed me last week.

I'd had a few phone calls from him recently, but was never home to get them and although he said he'd call back he never did and I was relieved.

It meant I didn't have to try to figure out how to talk to him or what to say. So when he didn't call again I just figured he was moving on and it was all good. I really had nothing more to say to him anyway.

But then he emailed me. I was pretty surprised, to be honest, and not altogether thrilled. He caught me up on what his plans are (probably spy school and buying a house) and finished off by asking me if I'd met anyone since my posts here didn't really tell him much.

I was floored.

And disappointed.

And knowing that he still reads here, I didn't really want to talk to y'all about it, but I figure it might help. (And I figured that if I watch too much about what one person might think about what I say I'll never write what I'm really going through/feeling.) So I'm trying to write this as if he doesn't, but it's hard to do.

I guess I'd just hoped...well I don't know what I'd hoped.

I'd hoped that we had nothing more to say to each other because I don't want to have to small talk with him and I don't have any more conversation in me to have with him. He's not someone I can share my life with anymore; he chose differently.

And I guess I'm disappointed that he turned out to be someone different from who I'd thought he was. And I guess I'm pissed that things we talked about him doing (and things I hoped would let us have a life together) while we were together are things he's doing now anyway.

It's annoying me that one little email has gotten so under my skin and I'm hoping it'll get better with time.

Well, I know it will... been there, done that, right?

It felt,though, the day after the email, like one step forwards, one step back, but I realize that it's more like a hundred steps forward, one step back.

It's just a bummer.

I had moved on from Smith, with maybe only an occasional not superly positive thought about him. Now I feel a little annoyed and angry and hurt again and I'm not enjoying being back in that spot.

Didn't help much that this weekend the whole rest of the island got a dumping of snow (and the mainland) and I got rain and a bit of sleety snain (I made that word up, cool, eh?) that was disappointing.

Plus a cool chick at work left on Friday and Monday's going to be bit lonely without her.

Guess it wasn't the best of weekends, eh?

I wish Smith well, don't get me wrong, I just don't want to keep in touch anymore... it doesn't seem to work for me staying "friends" with Exes. Maybe I'll want to talk to him again someday, just not now.

Actually, now that I think more about it, I think maybe I just had a bit of a downer weekend. I've had three people call me today alone talking about how awesome the snow is and how much I must be loving it and I keep having to say "Well, no, it didn't snow here at all somehow."

It really sucked.

It bummed me out and I guess it got me thinking down the drain hole a little.

Here's to a better week this week and to another hundred steps forward.

Here's to not needing to look back.

I'm So Totally On A Roll

You guys'll never guess what happened now!

I've won an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean and all I have to do is press 9, that's nine on the number key now.

It's too bad I was out when those nice people called, but I'm sure they'll call back about the trip I won soon.

Go me!