Things That Make You Go Hmmm

So I'm stuck in my advice giving.

Jonathan and Dominic both came up with questions I just haven't been able to give solid advice/answers to. And so instead of continuing to over-think my answers, I'm just going to answer without thinking and see what comes out.

Jonathan asked "Imagine you are out on a date, and we can hear your thoughts. What are you wanting your date to say - to do - how do you want them to react, to behave to the things you say, and the things you do... and why."

Honestly, I just want him to be relaxed and himself. I'd like him to be polite and kind and thoughtful. It'd be great if we had things in common to talk about and if he was a good conversationalist. Friendly. I would hope that neither of us are trying to impress each other, and instead are just happy to be in each others' company.

I don't know Jonathan, it's such a big question and so many possible answers. First date, eighty first date, I don't know. Plus, I don't know if my idea of a date is really all that traditional. I think I'd just like it to be easy. You know? Not a strain.

So I don't know if that's the answer you were hoping for or what, but that's all I've got after a full month of mulling it over!


Dominic, on the other hand, asked "what you should do when you meet someone who is single, very attractive, you like them a lot, & everyone tells you to go for it.. but you're not actually interested."

And this one completely stumps me.

I mean, I've been in a situation Dominic, where I'm just not attracted to a guy who's otherwise great, or something like that, but I can't say I've ever been in a situation where there's an attractive person I like a lot that I haven't been interested in. I have nothing to pull from, so my gut reaction advice is to say DUDE! GO FOR IT! But seeing that you're not interested, well, yeah. *shrug* I don't know. Maybe just be open to it? I know sometimes people sneak up on you romantically. Maybe, on a deep, serious level, ask yourself why you're not interested? Is it the person, or is there a fear of getting into a relationship?

Or, just shrug at the everyone who tells you to go for it and move on. Whadda I know?




So, I totally need your advice/help on these two questions peeps.

a. What do you want someone to do/say/react like on a date?

and

b. What do you do when you're just not interested in someone?

Groan

I think I had too much candy.

That's right. I have a Hallowe'en hangover.

Remind Me

Why do we keep doing this?


I'm not sure if I'm tired or well rested or if . . .


Well, you get the idea.

Um

I don't think I'm going to be participating in NaBloPoMo (again) this year, but I'm writing this post just in case I change my mind.

I think we call that hedging your bets, no?

BOO!

Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy Hallowe'en.

Don't know if you'll be out trick or treating with young folks, or off to a party with older folks or maybe staying at home to hand out candy or what exactly you'll be up to, but I hope whatever it is, even if it's only staying at home and watching a good scary movie, you have a great time doing it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to get up to, probably something mellowish, but I'm pretty sure there will be (gluten free) candy involved. That much is a guarantee!

Have a great Hallowe'en y'all!

Cool!

Since my car (that's from the future) has Bluetooth capabilities and there's going to be a law around here soon that means you can't talk on your cell phone while driving (unless you're handsfree) I thought I'd go ahead and upgrade my cell phone.

And let me tell you, it's pretty darn cool.

No, that's not true. IT'S SUPER AWESOME COOL!

I mean, it's cool enough that I can call someone without having to actually reach into my bag and find my cell phone, but when someone called me yesterday and MY CAR RANG?! that was super cool.

I swear, I have the coolest car in the universe and I love it and want to pet it and hold it and love it and name it George.

Autumn's Here*

I knew the moment I saw these trees that it would be a beautiful photo.

Actually, I knew before I left the house that there would be beautiful photos to be taken. It was just one of those stunningly beautiful autumn days.

Yvonne asked me one of the harder questions to answer the other week. (Yes, I've been saving the hard ones, waiting for an answer to magically pop into my brain) She said she'd "I'd love a post on your approach to photography." And I've been thinking about it and trying to figure out what exactly my approach to photography *is* ever since.

Y,
Thanks for asking, because it did make me think, but I'm still not entirely sure what to say, but here goes. . .

I take my camera out with me when I head out on a sunny day or to an event or something. (I also take it to family get togethers, but those photos don't get flickred.) And then I start looking.

Sometimes I look for who stands out and what stands out. Sometimes, if I'm in a crowd, I just look for people who are interesting. Bright colours, situations, stuff like that.

If I'm not around people and am taking a picture of things, I don't really know, I just sort of see what it'll look like as a picture and try to frame it that way.

I think for me it's a matter of looking and observing and then trying to recapture what I see on film. (I guess that should be "film" as I haven't brought out my film SLR in years) Sometimes I can't get it and I get frustrated.

I play around with angles and positions when I remember to, but certainly when I'm in a crowd, I'm often too shy for that.

I think my favourite thing about a digital camera is that it lets me take a ton of photos and it lets me see. That way, I can see if I got something I like and I can also take a bunch and find the "best" later.

There's still a part of me that thinks that some of the pictures I took pre-digital were better, but I'm not sure on that one.

Having a camera that loves bright, sunny days also helps.

I think I just love it. And I think my brain sees in pictures.

I do try to think of where things are in the frame and all that kind of stuff, and when I remember, I pay attention to the background and all that jazz.

So I don't know that I really have an approach to photography other than "take pictures".

Look for pictures, take them, delete the bad ones, enjoy it.

And I think a lot of times, I know that the picture is going to remind me of something.

Maybe it reminds me the colour the sky was that particular evening, or how much fun that awesome day I got off of work because of the snow was, or what it was like to be gripping to a relationship that wasn't working, or maybe it reminds me of every single moment of a trip I've always wanted to take. I think my approach is to take the camera with me when there are likely to be lots of opportunities to take photos and to get out and take photos when opportunities present themselves.

Then, once I'm out there, I try to see the picture or the story or the image and then I take it and take it and take it and hope that at some point in there I do.

And when I do?

It makes me happy.

Not sure how enlightening that was Y, but I hope, somehow, it helped,
Victoria

*As an Autumn bonus because I love you:



Hawksley Workman - Autumn's Here (live)

Heh

I totally forgot about this until now, but a few weeks ago, I was over at B and S's house and S and I were noodling around on the computer looking at the guys on the dating site she'd coerced me into signing up for.

For whatever reason (I think the answer to that question is alcohol) we decided to make looking at profiles into a drinking game.

For every time a guy's profile said he was 1)"easy going" 2)"just looking/checking it out" or any time we found a profile where the guy was 3)shirtless or 4)holding a beer, we'd take a sip of our drink.

We thought it was hilarious. That is, until we realized just how many times we were having a sip.

Let's just say, we really didn't need all four.

Within a few minutes we both decided we needed to switch to water and less potent drinks.

Had we kept up, B would have found us both on the floor passed out.

Apparently a lot of guys are just checking out on line dating, and are really easy going guys who like to drink beer and show off their manly chest.

It's still kind of funny though.

Well, at least we thought so.

.

If you've flown, you've more than likely experienced turbulence.

If you've flown over particular places, or in particular weather, you'll know that there's turbulence, and then there's Turbulence with a capital T; the stuff that makes you grip the arm rests and hope.

I'm having a bit of turbulence in my life right now, but it's just the little t kind.

You know what I mean, right? Where things are bumpy and maybe tricky or uncomfortable or upsetting, but it's not major. You're ok, just need to get through it. It's handleable. No arm rests being gripped.

It's been a little rough at work for the strangest reasons.

My physical recovery from the car accident has backslid (do you backslide? or do you some other term?) and I'm in more pain than I have been in for a while.

Hanging out with a new guy, whether or not it's something that will turn into a friendship or a relationship or a "I knew this guy once"ship, still brings up emotions and "issues", for lack of a better term.

So just some minor turbulence. Should be flying through it soon.

Just a little bumpier than usual.

Dude

Do you ever get to the end of the weekend and you could SWEAR you hadn't had a weekend yet?

Yeah.

The Reason Angels Can Fly is Because They Take Themselves Lightly

Unrelated thoughts flying and fluttering through my mind:

- So You Think You Can Dance always always always introduces me to wonderful new songs. The Cinematic Orchestra is the latest such introduction. Awesome.

- Nice people make me smile.

- I think I've finally found a nail polish colour I could wear every day. Now if only it would stay unchipped for more than two days in a row.

- I have the deepest paper cut ever. Seriously. I think my thumb might split in two. Gross, right?

- Sometimes I run into an old post of mine when searching for something and I really like what I've had to say. Makes me think I should sit down one of these days and re-read my life.

- Now that's a weird thought.

- Sometimes I forget it's 2009.

- I think it's because my car's from the future.

- TGISaturday

- Technically, the first CD I ever bought was "Houses of the Holy" I bought it out of someone's locker at school because he didn't want it anymore. This proves my awesomeness, no?

- The first CD I ever bought for reals was "Nevermind". I bought it at A&B Sound. No one was really sure about the whole "CD" thing. How were you supposed to make a mixed tape with them there things? Ahhhhh, mixed tapes. No one has matched your awesomeness.

- I'm hungry

When?

I was joking with someone yesterday that no one told us how to grow up and when did all this life stuff happen and how is it that we're suddenly dealing with kids and mortgages and marriage and real life grown up stuff, aren't we just still sixteen sitting in the parking lot at lunch, waiting for the bell to go so we could be one class closer to the weekend?

It's funny. But it's not.

When did I become an adult? Can I change my mind? Can I get a refund and go back to simpler times. . . things?

Huh.

This Picture is as Close as I Could Come to Nunchucks in my Photostream. Go Figure.

A question was thrown at me by TheClock that has taken up the better part of my brain for the last few weeks:"Which of the following characteristics would you prefer in a man/ boy/ male/ masculin person?

a) Competent dancer
b) Competent musician
c) IQ of 180+
d) NUNCHUCK SKILLS
e) Well endowed.... you know"

TC,

Well, ok, knowing that girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills, the answer should be pretty obvious. D!

Heh.

No, but seriously, I would love a boyfriend who was a competent dancer and musician. Not sure which one first. Probably dancer, then musician. After that it's kind of, "eh, whatever". See, if he's too smart, what'll we have to talk about? And if he has awesome nunchuck skills, he might accidentally knock me out when practicing one evening. And as for well endowed you know, well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it ain't the size, it's what you do with it that matters. Really.

So. There you go.

Hope you can rest your mind on that one now,
Victoria

Girls, any input on this? What're you looking for out of these fine choices?

Continuance

So Tom was wondering about when "You're on a bus, train or plane travelling somewhere. The guy next to you starts talking to you - how do you respond? How does he start talking to you without seeming like a freak?"

So, Tom,
If I take this as a two part question, I guess how I respond has to do with my interest level not only in him but in how long my journey is and how much I feel like talking to anyone. Sometimes I might just want to zone out and not talk to anyone on the trip, but, then again, I've never been lucky enough to sit next to a single, attractive male (or, really any male other than a family member if I think about it) so I'm not talking from experience.

How could he start talking to me without seeming like a freak? Well, just to start up a casual conversation about something. Am I reading something? Then he could ask me about the author. Am I doing work or playing on a computer? He could use that as a polite way to talk to me. Or maybe he needs to pass my drink of water to me (I like the window seat, you see) or ask me for something. Just any sort of casual starter would work, and then he could go from there. You know, introduce himself, etc.

That make sense?

Hope that helps,
Victoria

What about you guys, ever found a good way to strike up a conversation with someone while travelling without seeming freakish?

Sweet

I saw a So You Think You Can Dance audition with this wicked kid dancing to a song I fell madly, instantly in love with.

And kind of can't stop listening to now.

Enjoy:



If it Kills Me - Jason Mraz

Mended

This was an odd mix of a weekend for me, but a good one in the end.

I spent some of it, well, ok, a day and a half of it, fighting off a nasty cold/flu bug that decided to pick on me.

My mid-Saturday, I was feeling all sorry for myself and melancholy and looking up ex-boyfriends on the internety.

So, figuring that it was a "I'm sick and tired. . . literally" induced bum out, I went to bed early and slept it off.

It's interesting, I noticed, how differently people seem to be treating colds and flus right now. How much more willing people are to encourage you to stay home and get better. Which I did.

I also have a pregnant co-worker (yes, girl spies sometimes to have babies, you know!) and so I'm doing my best to keep my germs away from her. Had I not been feeling so much better by Sunday, I would have stayed off for another day or so.

I hope this is the worst sickness I get this season, and I'm glad to be feeling better.

Shhhhhhhhh

So, as I sort of said the other day, C (she who famously introduced me to Smith and who was with me when we were smushed up in her car earlier this year) has, for a while, told me I should meet her friend. I think she first mentioned him a year and a half ago or so, but I wasn't interested in a relationship then.

C had a get together at the end of July and I forgot about it and didn't go, but apparently this guy was there and asked C why I wasn't.

Then work got busy. Crazy busy. And I called C up one day and told her that I needed to think about something, anything, besides work and would she give my number to that guy or something?

So she did.

And he called, and we went out on a "nice to meet you" kind of date and he was nice. It was nice and he was nice. And we'll probably do it again.

And it's not that there's a but, but there's a but.

Because I don't want to think about it too much or talk about it too much. I don't want to get wrapped up already in thinking about something that doesn't exist.

I don't want to start thinking about someone before I even know if he's someone I want to be thinking about.

Even if I suspect he might be.

I don't want to rush. I just want it to happen if it happens. I don't. Want. To. Think.

So that's all I know. And that's all it has to be.

This is all it has to be: I met a nice person who happens to be a single male.

And that's all it is.

End of discussion.

I need you on board with me on this. It's not anything and that's more than ok.

Now let's pretend I never said anything, ok?

Advice, Continued

Ms Behaviour, or as I like to call her "Ms B", asked if I had any advice on "How to tell if he's uber metero or gay? Especially if he is being super friendly/demonstrating signs of being interested."

Ms B, this is a hard one, but one that I kind of have experience with. Sort of. (I had that cute temp spy worker guy who was super friendly and actually ended up asking me out for coffee, where he mentioned his partner. Who turned out to be another man. Which I hadn't seen coming.)

But I guess my advice may be more frustrating than helpful. Unfortunately, neither uber metro nor gay guys carry identity cards. So it's not like you can steal their wallet and rifle through to find the card that will tell you. The only way to find out is by actually . . . finding out.

My advice would be to ask him. Maybe not a tactlessly direct "So, does you like the ladies or the menfolks cuz I find you dishy but don't know if you'd kiss me?" but more of a "Tell me about your last relationship, where did you guys meet?" and then often during that conversation they'll mention their name or something. But keeping it in mind that often, in my experience, people may not be comfortable outing themselves until they know you well enough to be safe and so they may still just refer to their "partner".

I think the other advice I'd give you would be along the lines of "if he likes you, he'll let you know." I know sometimes we get all wrapped up in those "signs of being interested" as we interpret them, but usually if he is genuinely interested, he'll let you know. You won't have to guess.

It's hard to give great advice on this one without knowing more about how you know this guy and what your relationship with him is like, but I'd say the easiest way is to talk to him about it.

Hope that helps,
Victoria

What do you guys think? Any advice for Ms Behaviour? (Please note the "u" in her name. Go Canadian Spellings!)

A V.I.P.*

Jenn, Jenn! Are you ok?

Poor Jenn, six months pregnant and left me a question about ice cream days, no, WEEKS! ago and I left her hanging. Bad blogger, bad, bad, blogger. Sigh.

Ok. Jenn, here goes!

Jenn said "I'm 6 months pregnant, and out of ice cream. This? Is tragic. So....what kind of ice cream should I get? (Cookies and cream is getting old....)"

Jenn,
You're right, out of ice cream at 6 months? Yikes! (My friends who have had babies all nodded in agreement when I told them about your problem!)
And I can only try to help you with some suggestions of my favourites. How about any ( or possibly all?) of these?

Moose Tracks

Mint Chocolate Chip

Double chocolate

Can I go out on a limb and suggest Orange Sherbet?

Hope this helps Jenn!
Victoria

(Any other suggestions for awesome ice cream flavours y'all?)



*Very Important Post

Version Two

This was my first Thanksgiving dinner (or any big family dinner for that matter) where I knew I couldn't eat certain things.*

My sister in law was good about it and cooked the stuffing separate from the turkey and made sure she bought a plain turkey (not basted or flavour injected or anything).

It was still hard though, because I used to love dipping my white dinner roll in the leftover gravy on my plate, and I used to love eating the pie for dessert.

I know these things could have been made gluten free, but you can't really be a guest in someone's house and ask them to completely alter their cooking habits. So, no gravy, rolls, stuffing, or pie for me. *sniff*

So this year I missed out on a few things, but all in all, I was happy to have been there and the turkey was delicious.

Next year I think I'll bring my own pie. Because it just ain't Thanksgiving without pie!

*For those of you new to these here parts, I've got Celiac disease and can't have a lot of traditional, yummy, Thanksgiving-esque foods due to its having gluten.

Truth

I think that the best part of going away is how comfortable your bed is when you finally get to lie down in it again.


Best. Sleep. Ever.

Thanks

Before I run off for the long, turkey day, weekend, I wanted to give you all a big virtual hug and kiss and tell you how grateful I am that I have this space to write in and babble in and share my every thought I feel like sharing in.

Have a good Thanksgiving if you're having one, or a good Columbus day (what exactly that is I'm not sure) or a good just plain old regular weekend if it's not a long one for you.

Thanks for being you, y'all.

See you in a few days!

Vicariously

It's Friday. Yay!

Double, triple, quadruple yay!

So, tell me, what exciting things are you doing this Friday?

I'm planning on coming home from work and lying on my couch until it's late enough to go to bed and sleep. I know, awesome right?

Because I'm so (still) tired and un-lively, please entertain me with the plans you have for this weekend and I'll live vicariously through you.

While lying on my couch waiting for bedtime.

So what are we doing this weekend?

Woah

Apparently this is my 1000th post.

One thousand?

I had no idea there was that much thinking going on inside my head.

Happy First . . . um. . . Millenium? Postenium?*





*I think we should celebrate. Let's all have something either tasty or yummy or chocolatey or fizzy/champagny or all of the abovey today!

Living Up to the Name

(Please read the first paragraph in a serious voice, as if you're narrating a documentary or something, kay? Kay!)

And now the first in a small but well meant series of posts wherein Victoria actually gives advice and pretends to know what she's talking about.

So, Doodlebug, first and most importantly would like us to give help and support to the Phillippines after the typhoon and flooding and then second typhoon that has devastated the country. Please do what you can and ask others to help as well.

And so while we're send good wishes, Doodlebug would also like advice on "how not to fall or get infatuated on some celebrity or just somebody who is completely out of your reach." So, here goes:

Dear Doodlebug, (This is how you're supposed to start advice columns, right?)
I think celebrity's are the easier one to handle here and my advice would be to remind yourself that the person they are isn't necessarily the person we get to see. So it's a good idea to remind yourself that it's ok to have a crush on a celebrity while remembering that they're not really a "real" person. We tend to have crushes on their media presented personality.

If you tell yourself that and then find you *still* have a crush on them (because maybe you tell yourself that their real personality is even BETTER than their media version, um, not that I've ever done that, ahem) then maybe you could tell yourself little stories about imaginary flaws that they have that would just not make them a good match for you! You know, like how So-and-So never puts the cap back on the toothpaste and therefore is just not worth dating.

As for "real life" people who feel like they're out of your reach, I find it easier to remind myself that we're all on the same level so no one's really out of anyone else's reach. That being said, there are certainly some people whose lifestyles probably won't cross with ours (Brad Pitt, for example, is most likely never going to walk into my workplace, *sigh*) and so it's maybe better to focus on people who are already within our circles, so to speak.

So, in a nutshell (because I'm not sure I'm making much sense), I think if you remind yourself that celebrities are only pretend versions of the real person, almost as if they're a character on a tv show, you can keep the crush at a fun level.

Maybe pretend all celebrities are cartoon characters or something.

Hope that helps,
Victoria


What do you guys think? How do you keep your celebrity/out of your reach crushes from turning into infatuation/I think I love them type situations?

Heh

Another story from Symphony Splash this summer. . .

I was there with some friends of mine and one of them was eagerly scanning the crowds for cute, potential boyfriend type guys.

For me. (Since the other person we were with was her husband.)

After we'd been there for a while, she nudged me. "What about the guy in the blue shirt behind us?" she asked, and I turned around all casual like, to check him out.

And when I saw him, my first thought was "Yeah, he's cute." And my second thought was "Um, yeah, I know him. How?"

Turns out the cute guy my friend picked out of the crowd was a guy I'd gone on a coffee date with last year.

I guess she has pretty good taste, eh?

Zonked

Holy smokes I'm tired.

Woke up yesterday tie-tie-tired and sort of feel like I'm fighting off a cold. Which is better than having a full blown cold for sure, but still.

Kind of feel like it's my body's reminder that I need to take care of myself while I'm all stressy and busy and whatnot.

I'm hoping that work will settle down soon, ish, but I still have another couple of weeks that I know will be hard. Meanwhile, my parents are doing well after their car accident and the weather this weekend was gorgeous and it's sometimes hard to believe it's already October.

How are you?

Um

I can't remember. . . did I mention the new, cute, slightly older, maybe a potential spy at work? Or the guy my friend C thinks I should meet? Or the fact that Costco had Christmas stuff for sale in July?

Happy and Proud

I sometimes leave myself a note on a Post-it that is a reminder to blog about something, which is my way of explaining why today's post talks about something that happened nearly two months ago.

At the start of Symphony Splash this year (August 2nd, why?) the announcer comes on and says "Please rise for the singing of O Canada."

Now, I'm sure they do this every year, but this is the first year I've been there for the start. (I usually head down later.) So to see the thousands of people down in the inner harbour stand up and sing along to the national anthem was something awesome for me.

It was great to see, and really made me feel proud and happy and like a genuine member of a group of proud Canadians.

I don't know why I found it so cool, I just did.

We rock.

Adjusting

I've had my (oh so totally awesome) new car for a couple of months now and I'm only just starting to feel comfortable parking it.

For those of you who don't live here, we've got us some tight little parking lots that are pretty ugly to maneuver around. And to be honest? I've avoided them.

Or, in some cases, if the spot was too tight? I've driven back out and decided to come back another time.

Sometimes I've parked farther away from stores because that was where it was easier to park.

A few times I've had to re-park because I was ridiculously close to the other car.

I'm getting better though. Really.

Repeat. Repeat. Again. Repeat

I've been playing this song over and over and over this past two weeks.
Over and over.
It's not the first time this song has had repeat status, but the first time it's had repeat status for such an extended period of time.

You can watch the official video here or listen to it here:


Winter Song - Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

Or watch this video of the making of the song, which I love to watch and (not so secretly) wish I was doing for a living.


Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson "Winter Song"

I think it's more the spirit, energy and sound of the song right now than the lyrics, although they certainly contribute.

Listen. Repeat. Listen. Repeat.

Listen.

Sweet Sweet Distraction

Do you know what we need around here?

Some advice!

I mean, what's the point of having a blog with the word "Advice" in the title if I don't have any advice to randomly hand out to?

(Also, I need some distraction)

So. Peeps. I needs you.

Ask me something, any old thing, and I'll write up an answer/advice post.

Keeping in mind that I'm not really an expert, but it'll be fun, right? Right!

So, what do you need advice on my darlings? Let me have it.

Weekend Warrior

I haven't been keeping up with the local news, or any news for that matter, lately. So the only reason I knew that one of Victoria's hospitals had just opened a new Emergency room is that that's what my Mom told me as she lay immobilized on a bed in said Emergency room after someone had accidentally driven into my parents' car an hour earlier.

My parents are fine. Bruised, battered, injured, sure, but fine. Walking. Mobile. Fine.

I'm having trouble falling asleep, the video of my parents being taken to emergency in ambulances after the firemen break them out of their car plays in my head once the lights to out, and all the "what ifs" I thought about after my own accident are back with a vengeance. And now with a second story.

But they're ok.

It's ok.




It's so easy to judge when you don't understand the situation. It's easy to tell people how to parent their children when you're single and child-less yourself. It's easy to tell single people to just get out there and find their soul mate when you're happily married to yours. It's easy to know better when you only know a little. So I try not to.

I'm not a political person, and I don't understand or know the details of the situation with health care in this province, buut I'm pretty sure that everyone there was doing their best. I just wish they'd been able to do more. Sooner. While the building and room seemed very nicely designed, where was the staff? Why was it hours before my Mom was seen and hours after that before my Dad was seen? (And, yes, I understand triage and priorities.)

Maybe that's just how it is in Emergency.

What do I know anyway? I know we're lucky to have the health care system we do and I'm grateful for that. I know it was stressful for all of us and I know the doctors and nurses all care about what's best for their patients and I'm grateful for their efforts. It's an important, difficult job. I just hope they're getting the support they deserve, and I suspect they're not.

At the end of it all, I'm thankful my parents are ok. I'm glad things weren't worse. I'm glad I was able to be there for them. I hope their recovery is quick.

Go hug your loved ones.

Comfort

I had a dream last night that was the bestest dream ever.

Heidi Klum hung out with me all evening talking to me about anything and everything. It was like we were best friends/sisters, but also like she was my babysitter. And when it was bedtime, she tucked me in and told me she'd be there in the morning when I woke up.

And dudes? It was the best dream because Heidi Klum (according to my dream) is the sweetest, kindest, loveliest person ever. I'm *so* hoping I can go to sleep tonight and Heidi'll be there again.

Best. Dream. Ever.

Unexpected

My closest friend at work just got engaged, and I'm so very happy for her.

Over the past year or so, I've watched her fall more and more in love with her boyfriend and when she told me he'd proposed I felt like calling him up and asking him what took him so long.

She asked me to go with her to look at wedding dresses over the weekend, and I was happy to do so. Strangely enough, this isn't something I'd ever done before. That I hadn't done it before then made me feel a little bit sad even though I've only had a few girlfriends get married, (many of my close friends were already married by the time I met them or at the time I met them, we didn't know each other well enough to share that kind of experience) and we didn't live in the same town at the time so it wouldn't really have been easy to do, it still felt somehow lonely to realize that I'd never been asked before.

I cried those happy proud tears watching her and how beautiful she looked in the dresses and it was great.

That evening, however, it all just seemed to creep up on me.

Most everyone, it seems, is getting married. Having babies. Newly in love. Trying on wedding dresses. Proposing to their girlfriends. Getting pregnant.

I'm not.

Not any of those things.

Not close to most of them.

I guess I just keep the hope that I'm close to being newly in love.

Maybe it's just around the corner.

I was just surprised by how hard it hit me sitting home alone, knowing it wasn't me trying on those dresses with a sparkly ring on my finger and a smile lighting up my face.

It wasn't jealousy, it just hurt.

O is for Orgasm of Course!

I figured out that title in my Alphabet saga a while ago, but I've been sitting staring at the title since.

Because, while there are a ton of things I could say about orgasms, I can't seem to say them out loud.

I mean, "out loud" as in on this blog.

I can sit around with girlfriends and talk and laugh and share about them and I'm sure I'd be able to talk about them with a boyfriend or something, but here? I... just can't quite bring myself to.

Sure, I could say "Gee, I like them there orgasms" but isn't that kind of... a given? Obvious? Taken for granted?

Or I could talk about a lady I knew (I suppose I still know her, she hasn't vanished or anything) who was forty-something and still hadn't had one and how I didn't know what to say to her when she told me, but that just is too big of a topic to go into.

Anything else I can think of to talk about is just a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog like this.

So maybe I'll just leave it with this and call it a day:

Any of you ever faked an orgasm? Men? (Oh, and men, don't tell me it can't be done, because it *so* can. I've already had this conversation with guy friends you see!)

(I have, but I had to. Really.)

(Wow, this is totally one of those posts I hope my Mother never reads.)

(Hi, Mom! It's all just pretend, okay? Okay.)

(Whew.)

Gimmie a Break

This? This warning that work was about to become whateverly seriously hard was so so not an exaggeration.

Although my sanity wishes it had been.

I've reached a breaking point of sorts, which is making me feel like the only thing that will keep me sane is a vacation, which is funny in a not funny kind of way, not to mention improbably impossible.

Ok, so I don't talk about work, I get it, but here's the thing. As soon as I got back from my holiday (which seems like forever ago, not just two weeks-ish ago) I was thrown into the high-stress world of spy work in a more than slightly intense way. And do you know what flew out the window?

Any desire I had to talk to and/or meet with guys from that site S signed me up on. I just don't have it in me. I don't even have the energy to check the email message thing. So, so tired and busy and stressed and not interested in putting my non-existant extra energy into it.

Just one thing too many to juggle. Isn't it funny that that's the first thing to have gone?

When I think about it, I wouldn't mind meeting up with some friends and running into a single friend of theirs while we were out kind of thing, but the idea of chatting to a complete stranger right now is just too much.

Hopefully things will mellow out. Soon? Ish?

Sigh.

Dude

I just ate a Nerds that was the size of a blueberry.

Seriously.

Strange thing though? It didn't taste any more flavourful. I totally expected it to.

But still. Blueberry sized!

Pleasant Company

Fall's here, in a gentle sort of way.

It's like the season has arrived and instead of barging in and taking over, it has just quietly arrived at the doorstep and has knocked a couple of times and when you open the door, it's just standing there smiling, politely asking if you'd mind if it came in for a while.

It's not really even like Summer's over, just that it's crisper, mellower, less intense. It's falling asleep.

There was a sunset last night that was pastels and glowy. I was so glad to have stumbled across it, and am glad for whatever it was that pulled me outside at that particular time.

I don't mind the changing seasons, and really, what's the point in minding? They're going to come no matter what.

Change is that one thing you can't control, yeah? So you may as well enjoy it.

Especially when it invites itself in so politely.

Random

I wonder if I've ever known the last time I was going to sleep with someone was the last time I was going to sleep with them?

P.S. Arrrr, happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day me mateys. Avast!

Too Late

I am slowly going crazy,


One, two, three, four, five, six, switch


Crazy going slowly am I


Six, five, four, three, two, one, switch.

A Whole New World*

My parents happened to be over visiting when the window cleaners came for their semi-annual outside window cleaning.

My Dad, always awesome, offered to clean the inside of the windows once the guy was gone and we'd pulled the blinds back up. (I always put the blinds down if I'm home when they come or know they're coming. Otherwise it's just weird.)

I thought about it a bit as he Windexed away and realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd washed my windows. Or wiped them, for that matter.

Well, let me tell you, I had *no idea* windows could get that clean!

It's like there's no window there at all.

Maybe I should clean them more than once every few years, eh?

Thanks Dad!




*Sorry if you're now singing that song. I know I am. Sorry. But at least I didn't link to it, right? Cuz that'd have made it stick in your head even worse.

Oh

I found myself thinking something the other day that I don't know if I've ever really thought about before.

I was looking at a picture of someone's husband's camping trip with his brother and I suddenly wished I had a same sex sibling. A sister.

I think maybe when I was a little girl I wanted a sister, but that thought hasn't occurred to me in quite the same way.

Maybe it's me missing having someone to tell everything to, to bounce my thoughts and feelings and ideas off who would understand because they're a girl, but also because they share the same past as me.

If I had a sister, she'd have grown up with me, and she'd have similar, I imagine, ideas about the world.

So it's a strange thing, missing something I've never had, but I really wish I had a big sister.

No Spoilers Here

I've waited a while to say this just so that no one would find out anything they didn't want to find out before they wanted to find it out. Huh?

There was a True Blood episode a few weeks ago (ended on a roof, hint, hint?) where I bawled at the end. Bawled.

I bet if I re-watched that final scene I'd cry all over again.

*sad face*

Great Time of Year

I had a blast at Beer Fest on Friday, due in no small part to the awesome weather. (I have the slight sunburn to attest to that)

My girlfriend and I had very serious conversations about absolutely nothing that led to riotous laughter and cheeks that were sore from smiling so much.

We saw what may be this town's prettiest man and were two sad puppies when we could no longer find him at the evening's end.

We ran into my Buddy (hi Buddy!) who proceeded to gang up on me with my friend and their ensuing "pick on Victoria" moments were only made funnier when the German "ooompa" band started playing.

We had a rather drunken guy offer to help us pee because "he has skills" and we actually ran into Bird, which was fine, because we really did have to pee so we only had time to say hi and run.

Strangely enough, I was hungover by the time I got home (strong cider'll do that to ya sometimes) so after a couple of Advil and lots of water, I didn't feel too bad Saturday. Just plain tired out.

So I rested for the day and had another nicely mellow day on Sunday.

I love this time of year because when it's sunny and gorgeous out it feels like such a treat. Especially since we had a day or so of rain last week. Sunny September weekends. . . ahhhhhhh.

How was your weekend? Anyone offer to help you pee?

I'm Going Back to Bed Now

The brevity of this post is brought to you by the Great Canadian Beer Fest.

Have a good rest of the weekend.

Zzzzzz.

Why I Love My Family. Reason # 472

I was talking to my Dad about what I should pack for the trip last week and he said something about long pants in case it gets cold in the evenings.

And then he said something that is so totally why my family is awesome.

"Well, and you'll certainly need to bring a lot of books."

Because, see, we all understand this one important fact, nay, truth: Holidays are for reading.

Amen.

I Probably Should Have Told You Sooner

But I did it.


And I'm proud of myself.


And it's awesome.


And I'm happy.


*Big grin*

Oh Dear

So, hey, do you remember S?

Sure you do!

So S and I were hanging out this weekend and, of course, we chatted about guys for a while, when S decided that she wanted me to try on line dating.

"I want you to try on line dating" she said. Or something similar. I didn't quite hear her because I was shuddering at the thought. And shuddering is hard to hear over.

I told her I'd tried it already and didn't like it. And then I shuddered again.

"But I want you to try this other site" she said. Or something I couldn't hear. (See above: shuddering) "I'd totally do on line dating if I wasn't already engaged."

Later on, we had something we wanted to look up on line, and after we'd found that she showed me the site she wanted me to try out. And I shrugged, and mumbled something along the lines of "Ok FINE (dramatic sigh) sign me up."

So she did.

Um, I guess I'm going to try on line dating? Again?





In other news, happy 09/09/09! (This totally would have been my favourite day ever to get married)

Well, Hey

Happy Back to Work day y'all.

I hope you had a good Labour Day if you live in one of these there places what celebrate it.

I spent my yesterday, and the better part of my long weekend, for that matter, doing a whole lotta good old fashioned relaxing.

Now my brain's all "Wait, you want me to work? And, like, think and stuff?"

But that's ok. My trip was great, and I loved the couple of thunderstorms we got to see and I feel super relaxed (the massage I had yesterday probably helped, and I *know*, how awesome is a massage therapist who works on stat holidays?) and ready to plow through the rest of the week.

The fact that it's Beer Fest on Friday also helps.

But, enough about me.... how's you?





P.S. I kind of forgot it was September already, which may help explain why for the first time ever I forgot to pay my rent? Right?

I'll Fly Away

Old Glory.

The hint has been not so subtly dropped that work's going to be getting busy busy in the next little while. Ok, it wasn't so much as a hint being dropped, it was more of the spy boss letting us know that there's gonna be some serious stuff coming down the line that will need us all to be on our A game.

And, so? I'm taking next week off.

I'm heading to the interior for some sun and surf and won't be around a computer for most, if not all of the week.

So I'll see y'all when I'm back and rested. Until then, keep on keeping on!

Hugs.

So

District 9 was good. Except for the part where I got motion sick.

Which, was, um, most of the movie.

*Shakes head at self*

This Video Makes Me Cry

Going to California (JPJ live at the Hard Rock)

If you can understand why, you understand a part of me.

Shudder

May I suggest that for anyone who's looking to make the scariest horror movie ever, you use the sound of a cat v/s racoon fight and then the noise that one of them makes after it's scared the other one off? Cuz seriously.

Beyond freaky.

I'd rather be faced with zombies than hear that again.

Hold me?


P.S. Momma racoons kind of purr with/to their babies, but it doesn't make up for the EVIL shriek.

Um

I am currently addicted to sunflower seeds.

It's the salt.

I can't stop eating them.

I think my teeth are going to fall out.

Please send help.

Or maybe just tell me to stop buying them.

Thanks.

I Realized Something

I don't have a crush on anyone right now.

It's the strangest feeling because I'm so used to having one.

It's not a bad feeling though.

Not at all.

This Blog is My Very Own "Internet Happy Box"

Pearls

Thanks for always being so awesome and friendly and not-mean. I love you guys.

Ladies Only

Gentlemen, you may want to skip this post entirely. Just sayin'.

I was in for my yearly physical last week (oh joy of joys, um, no) and as the doctor was getting things set down below she said "Hmmm, sorry, this must be hurting you." I just kind of nodded, as my focus was completely taken up with remembering to breathe and thinking of my happy place (which was pretty much anywhere but there.) It wasn't until I got home that it hit me. Why aren't we lobbying for a two drink minimum before we even let them get going? Shouldn't we be allowed to *not* feel what all's going on down there?

Anyone want to sign my petition?

And Then the Angels Sang

I mentioned on Monday how my having cooked this weekend was something of a minor miracle.

People who know me, know that this is not a huge exaggeration.

See, I don't really cook. Don't know how, never learned, and when I moved into my own apartment, the first thing I tried to cook ended me up with bits of shattered glass dish all over my kitchen. Luckily I wasn't harmed, but that dish explosion really turned me off of the whole cooking deal.

Plus, it takes time, yo, and I don't find myself with a lot of that. And who wants to come home and spend an hour making something when you can toss a frozen pizza in the microwave and be eating in 7-10 minutes?

Fast forward to nowish and my Celiac diagnosis (un-diagnosis/re-diagnosis). As part of that, I asked my doctor specialist guy to refer me to a Dietician (who for some reason I keep calling a Nutritionist.) The first time I met with her, we talked a little bit about my confusing diagnosis and her recommendations and she gave me some Celiac specific information and suggested a few nutritional tips (like, eat some protein with breakfast.)

Right after that, the specialist called to let me know my iron was low, which isn't uncommon, I know, but was still a surprise. I started on supplements right away, but it also made me take a more serious look at what I was eating, and while it may have been easy and quick and tasty, it sure wasn't doing me much good nutritionally. No wonder my iron was low, was I actually eating anything food-like at all?

So back to the Dietician I went.

Help, I said. I don't cook. I don't know how. I don't eat well, I eat badly. I don't know what to do. Help.

And she did. She didn't look at me like I was an idiot for not knowing how to cook, and she didn't say anything when I described a typical day's meals (gluten free toast, candy, gluten free cereal, more candy, maybe some kind of gluten free frozen meal if I was feeling fancy. Hey, at least I had the gluten free part down pat, right?) she just started writing out some simple plans.

She didn't overwhelm me, or suggest anything ridiculous. She just asked me questions and worked things out with me. She'd ask me what veg I liked and if I said "er, none?" she'd talk about pre-cut baby carrots and maybe those little tomatoes? She talked about how I could cook a meal on the weekend and then have leftovers during the week. She even wrote out some simple things I could do to make sure I was getting what I need to get in each meal.

She made me feel ok with being able to do this, and when I told her my exploding dish story, her response wasn't "Man, you should have known not to put the hot dish under cold water" but was "You know, I think you probably underestimate your own ability to cook. You had marinated in the dish that broke, you know what you're doing!"

She told me about some simple recipes she does and she pulled out her lunch bag and showed me how she's got her berries to snack on and her extra stash of nuts in case she needs them.

She had a bunch of simple tips and hints and she never once made me feel anything less than capable and smart. It made me want to cry.

One of the things she mentioned was that she thought there was a good vegetable soup recipe on the Thrifty Foods website. ( Thrifty's, for you non-locals, is our beloved grocery store chain.) I went on the website and found their recipe collection.

Now I've bought cook books before and never really used them. But something about the way the recipes are laid out on their site really works for me. Plus, and this is totally cool, they list the ingredients and you can check off the things you need to buy and print off a grocery list from that.

Which I did!

I picked out two quick recipes (less than 30 minutes cooking and prep included) and printed off a grocery list for what I needed. So when I went to the store, not only did I know what I needed, it organized it into the aisles for the particular store I go to. Genius!

Then I came home, and with my newly manicured nails, I cooked.

(I also ate a pint of cherries while I cooked, but we won't mention that okay?)

And the leftovers were just as good.

I'm proud of myself, and I'm grateful to Thrifty's for their genius recipe thingamy and for my very nice, helpful, kind Dietician gal.

People, I cooked!

Unnecessary

I read this book recently where one of the main characters had had his brain altered so that he *had* to tell the truth. It was an interesting idea and got him into some trouble. (I mean, wouldn't it suck if you'd been kidnapped and the kidnappers asked you for the secret information and you couldn't not tell them?)

When I ran into my ex the other week, there was something I'd told myself I'd tell him if I ever saw him again.

But somehow, telling a married father of two that he was (to date) the best sex I've ever had didn't seem appropriate.

Well, seemed wildly inappropriate actually.

Which is too bad, really, because at the time, I didn't have enough experience to know. If I'd known, I'd have made sure he knew.

You know?

Saturday, FTW!*

You guys? My Saturday was so so awesome.

So.

I slept in, got up, ate a yummy breakfast and went to the spa place. I then spent the next five hours doing nothing!

Well, occasionally I sighed happily or drank the water that was brought to me, but that's the extent of the effort I put out. It was perfect.

And when I was done I felt like the (and still do feel like the) girliest girl ever. My skin's soft and glowy and my fingernails are perfect and my toenails are perfect and I feel relaxed and happy. And I feel worth it. Like, I feel like I was totally worth the time and money I put into myself.

And that's maybe the best feeling. Taking care of myself and feeling how good that feels.

I feel like it's been a long few years, but the shift has happened.

After I left the place, I picked up some groceries and came home and cooked! (More on this small miracle later.) And that evening as I was sitting around mellowing out on my couch, I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to go out for a drink.

It was the perfect way to end a perfect day.

Awesome.


*FTW

Ahhhhh

Maybe it's a good thing that last week tired me out so much, because today, I just happened to have booked myself a day at the spa.

I booked it almost a month ago (it's a small place, so they needed some advance warning for the full package I asked for) and it's so nice knowing that after this tiring (and emotionally exhausting let me tell you) week, I'm going to spend hours getting pampered.

This isn't something I've ever done before. I mean, I've gone into a spa before, but only ever for a pedicure or maybe a massage. This is different and I'm proud of myself for doing it. Someone gave me the brochure for the place and when I was flipping through it something inside of me said "I deserve a full day of pampering, not just a pedicure!" and instead of talking myself out of it for one reason or another, I just called and booked it.

So here's hoping your Saturday is just as relaxing as mine. I may be droolingly happy the next time I see you!

Hi

Hi, I'm Cindy Mc Tiredson and I'm writing on behalf of Victoria because she's gone off to Tiredville and can't type.

Well, she could type, but thinks it might make her brain explode.

Which, you know, might not be a good idea.

Victoria is hoping to return from Tiredville as soon as possible as she's finding her stay there to be quite tiring. Tiresome.

On behalf of Tiredville and all the Mc Tiredsons, we hope you'll have no need to visit us soon.

Or if you do, we hope you find a way to write posts that make more sense than this.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Er... good day.

Hang On

Gotta head out of town for spy stuff.

Be right back though, kay?  Kay!

I Don't Want to Grow Up

There are certain things that in my mind I'm not grown up enough to be having to deal with.

Anything involving bank loans or signing legal documents is right up there.

My brother's offered to help me with buying a car, because it's something I mentioned to him the other week.

It's also something I can think about in abstract, but as soon as I contemplate it in real life, I get seriously freaked out. I can't even imagine sitting in some guy's office hashing out the details of me singing off on a crap load of money when I have a perfectly fine car right here right now.

What grown up things have you found yourself doing lately that you don't really feel grown up enough for?



(I realize that this photo may make it look like I'm in some kind of trouble with the police, but I'm not. I don't expect to ever have to deal with that, grown up or not.)

Groan

Self? Do you not listen?

Apparently not.




In related news, I realized the other day, as I was staring at the pile of fruit on my counter, that blueberries may be my favourite fruit because they appeal to the lazy eater in me: no prep, no seeds, no nothing. Just wash and eat. And repeat. (See above link. Ahem.)

Seriously Not Restful

I was Sookie Stackhouse in a dream this morning.

But, not in a "gosh, I'm cute and Southern and making out with hot (vampire) guys" kind of way, but in a scary hiding from the people (non-human?) who are trying to kill me kind of way.

I distinctly remember hiding in this tight space in a closet, trying not to breathe as they (who/what ever they were) opened the doors and tried to find me.

I feel like I need to re-sleep the whole night, because hiding in your sleep in your big house that's in the middle of no where where there should be people but the people are missing is tiring.

Can I have a nap at least?

Come On Now!

Ok, seriously?

First the Smith thing and now this. . .

Ran into another ex. One of my first. Quite possibly my most significant.

He's married.

With two kids.

I don't even know what to think.

OK

Still kind of absorbing the news.

I've told everyone I'm fine, but that's not really true.

I mean, I'm not devastated or anything like that, but it's still upsetting. You just don't (or, ok *I* just don't) expect your ex to go off and live happily ever after.

And I really didn't expect it from Smith.

Or maybe I did and it just hurts that he didn't want to live happily ever after with me.

So I'm a little down in the dumps and trying to figure it all out.

And I forgot to wish you all a Happy B.C. day, so, yeah. Hope you had a good one.

Huh

Well, just to keep me on my toes or something. . .

C just got an email from Smith.

Turns out he's left the Forces.

And is getting married.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmmm

I didn't know people still did this:

This, being stealing the hood ornament thingies off of cars.

The reason I say "still did this" is that when I was in high school it was apparently the cool thing to do to go around and steal these things and wear them. At the time, I think VW's were hit the most, probably because you could actually hang a chain through them, but more expensive cars like BMWs were popular too.

Well, to be honest, this is all heresay, as I didn't ever run into anyone in my high school with any sort of car ornament jewellery. Nor did I know first hand of anyone who did it or had done it. It was just sort of one of those things you heard about.

Like the condom machine in the third floor boy's washroom. One of those things you only ever heard about.

But, anyway. I didn't know people still went around theiving car ornaments.

I mean, I'm assuming Toyota didn't just skimp on the glue on this guy's car, right?

The Men in My Life Who Are Not Bird. A Status Update: Redux

I thought, to further yesterday's post, I'd catch you up on other guys.... (From last year-ish.)

1. Cute temp spy worker guy: We're friends now. Turns out, in his case, "partner" meant boyfriend. Which is fine. He's still hot. We hung out last weekend, down in the inner harbour, soaking up the sun. I love watching girls take notice of him. We're really not as subtle as we think when we're checking out hot guys! So, yeah, got a friend out of that. Yay!

2. Runner Girl's Shy but Sweet Friend: Haven't heard anything else about him since this. And speaking of on line dating, I don't think I ever really told you (and I only have so much patience while going through my archives, so maybe I did and just don't remember) but I did go on a few (a couple? hard to remember) dates with someone I met on line. We got along fine and he was a nice guy, but I got sick and had to cancel a couple of dates and then things just kind of petered out. Also, and this is a weird one for me. . . I randomly ran into someone I talked to on the dating site, but because I was pretty anonymous on the site they didn't know it was me. I felt like a reverse-stalker. (Whatever that means) Didn't date him though. Had found our chats on line a little too heavy and negative.

3. Cute guy I've had a crush on forever: Otherwise known as Huck. Huck's now off the market (again) in a relationship that seems to be one he's very happy in. I do hope he's happy, because the man is so good looking he takes my breath away. For reals. Like, model good looking. *dreamy sigh*

4. Young Buck Co-worker, Runner Guy, All of my Exes: Well, I saw Young Buck Co-worker a while ago at a concert with his arms around a pretty young thing, and have no idea about runner guy. I did run into one of my exes, three times, and got a form email from another who's become an accountant sort of thing. But other than those two, I haven't heard from any of my other exes. All gone. Bye bye!

5. Bird: Saw him, was able to be friendly to him. Was shaking the entire time. Went home and cried. Was surprised.

6. Smith: Tried to contact him when our mutual friends were going through a really tough time. C's husband has tried to contact him too, even leaving a message with his folks, with no success. No one's heard from him since I last spoke to him, so we all just hope he's ok. My guess is that he's just moved on. I just wish he hadn't moved on from his friends. That's a little sad.

7. Anyone I'm missing that you can think of and want an update on?

There Are Balls In This Photo On Purpose

Guys.

What y'all want to know about.

Well, most of y'all anyway.

Ok. Guys.

First of all, there aren't currently any in my life in a romantic way. Let's just get that out on the table shall we? Right.

It's been a while since I mentioned it, but I had a crush. Part of the reason I haven't talked much about it is that I know him through a part of my life that I don't talk about here.

No, not work, somewhere that I go, something that I'm involved with, something that allows me to grow and work on myself and somewhere that allows me to perform, which has been a saving grace and joy for me, but somewhere that I'm even less comfortable talking about than work. If you can believe that. So I didn't want to talk about the crush because I couldn't figure out a way to not talk about where we met, and how I know him, but since it's my blog and that puts me in charge, I'm just going to tell you that I met him at Not Work. Through Not Work. Yeah.

Met him and, actually, strangely enough, already knew him as one of the several (er, many?) cute guys at the gym, just never knew who he was or what his name was. (I just called him "that cute guy".)

So meeting him, for real, and already thinking he was cute turned immediately into a crush. Which was squashed (by me) because he had a girlfriend and I don't go there.

And then he didn't.

Have a girlfriend, I mean.

And we started hanging out, a group of us, and as I got to know him, the crush got bigger. And dreamier. And gigglier. Until I realized I was doing almost the same thing with him I did with Bird: dreaming up a relationship on what I didn't know about him instead of getting to know him and then dreaming up a relationship *if* he was worth it.

And knowing this I got weird. Like, didn't know how to talk to him weird. But a month or so ago, I got up the courage and just told him, because by this time I knew he wasn't interested in me. No, really, I did. Despite what my well meaning friends told me, I knew he wasn't interested. So I went ahead and told him that I'd had a crush on him and felt a little awkward around him.

There was a teeny tiny little part of me (ok, maybe it wasn't *that* small) that was hoping the conversation would turn into "Really? Because I have a secret crush on you too!" and we'd make out and live happily ever after, (what, it could happen!) but the door was firmly shut (and padlocked) when he responded with "Well, I'm looking forward to having an excellent friendship with you."

Which wouldn't have been so bad.

Except that he and another friend in the group realized that after years of friendship they have feelings for each other and are now dating. Which also might not have been so bad if they hadn't had this realization a week after I'd spoken to him.

It felt icky.

And rude, somehow, even though I know it was nothing personal, and even though I already knew he wasn't interested in me and even though I'd already figured it out before either of them did. Even though I saw it coming. Them, I mean. I saw them liking each other before they even knew they did. It all felt very high school.

Sigh.

So, that's about it, dating wise.

Well, except for the week-long hormone-driven crush I had on the guy's young (read: a bit too loud for my taste) but good looking best friend somewhere in there. Whoops.

So. Now you know.

Had a crush. Knew better than to continue said crush. Went ahead and continued crushing anyway. Learned the hard way. Am still single.

*Shrug*

Sometimes When You Can't Seem to Put it Into Coherent Sentences, It's Best to Just Let it All Hang Out.

I'm not sad but I am.

There's a voice inside me that keeps saying "This may be your last summer on your own, so enjoy it while you can. No one else to think about but you. Cherish it" but there's also the feeling I get when I think about the things I could be doing right now. "Could" being the operative word (in my mind) because, for example, you don't camp alone. And I don't know anyone else I could camp with. The be-babied friends, the happily married friends, the non-campers but great people friends. I don't know anyone else. You camp with your family. Your single girlfriends. Your boyfriend. Your husband.

Cue the quiet voice... "Why not by yourself? Why. Not?"

But I haven't.

Camped, that is.

I have, by myself, gone for walks, sat and watched street entertainers, gone to Luminara, read five books in two weeks.

I have moments of absolute delight at my single-ness, my ME time. Moments of laugh-out-loud at a tv show and hugging myself because my company is the easiest I've ever known.

But honesty propels me to say that there have also been moments of keen missing, of feeling left out. Of sitting at home listening to fireworks because I didn't have anyone to go with. I didn't have a partner to go with.

Moments of walking through a public gathering and seeing the couples, the young families, the hand holding, the what-I-don't-have-ness and hurting.

Moments of wondering how I will ever come to meet someone when my life is limited to my work space and my coming home to get ready for the next work day space and my one, two, three communities that I put my time into. Where do I have to go? Who do I have to become? No, what part of me do I have to let out, to satiate in order to be around people, the person. Him.

Whoever he is.

And there's occasional moments of panic. Along the lines of "What if I buy a new car and drive it off the lot and scratch it?" I have moments of "If I do meet someone, I have to get to know him. I have to date. And what if I think he's something he's not. Like has happened before. In the past. Historically?"

Bird was a year ago. Exactly a year ago was Bird.

I believe I'd handle it differently now. I feel stronger.

I've been quiet about certain things since Bird. Quiet about crushes and romantic hopes and dreams. Quieter than I should have been maybe, but I felt the need to be guarded. I'm less comfortable when the lines between my life and this blog get blurry and I'm always, always aware of what my Buddy (hi Buddy!) said to me when I first started this blog forever ago that I should write knowing that it may be read by the very person I'm writing about; that there is no anonymity on the internet. So I try to write as if they're reading along. Whoever they are. And I try to write imagining how they'd feel if they came across themselves, written about, without permission on the internet.

I try to imagine how I'd feel if it happened to me.

But after a time of silence, it feels wrong, it feels like I'm leaving out part of my story. Which I am. Which I'm allowed to do.

But ultimately, this is *my* story, and I only ever wrote it down for me.

Whoever it is I'm becoming.

Whether or not this is my last summer being single, I still wish I had a best friend who was all mine.

I guess, for now, that's me.

You Know It's Hot When. . .

Now, I'm not complaining here (not being one to complain about the weather, rather one to enjoy it for what it is knowing that soon enough it'll be something else, know what I mean?) but we's in the middle of a heat wave round these here parts. Wooee!

See, my apartment's not air conditioned. Neither is my work (spy bat caves are hotter than you'd think). The mall is, but as I found yesterday, wandering the mall means I end up buying things and that's not great in the long run.

Part of the gym is air conditioned, and I know this because I sent myself there today figuring that if I was going to be hot and sweaty, I may as well get some exercise out of it (please ignore the fact that I could totally make a sex related joke here). I then came home, hot and sweaty but having breathed cool air for a while and took a cold shower.

Ahhhhh.

Now I'm sitting here with two fans doing their thing, barely any clothing, and a damp cloth on the back of my neck.

It's actually warm when I take it off after a few minutes.

It's not the heat that I have trouble with, it's the lack of air. I'm not fond of stuffy. Hence the fans! Ta da!

So, yeah.

It's hot, peeps.

*Starts singing obscure musical songs, then adds this video so you can play along at home*



HMV 193 Gramophone, 78 RPM, Too Darn Hot

Aural and Visual

My thoughts right now are one big SYTYCD lyrical playlist. And then they're not.

Don't believe me? Trust me. One minute I'm all :


Winter Song - Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

And


John Mayer - Slow Dancing in a Burning Room


Kate Bush  - This Woman's Work

Or singing along to this turned up full blast in the car


Bon Iver - Re: Stacks

And then I catch myself and remind myself that it's not all one sided, none of it and then, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, sometimes before I even know it it's all good.

More on this tomorrow. This post is long enough as is.

The Truth Comes Out

If it hadn't been for Secret Agent Josephine (who, despite the name, isn't a co-worker of mine) and a link from her to Bethany's site where there was then a link to this, I would never have discovered that they've taken my life and turned it into a (seriously hilarious and awesome and new favourite holy smokes why have I never heard of this show before thank goodness I have two whole seasons to watch all at once now!) tv show.

It has been a little upsetting to find the show, because at no point did NBC *ask*if they could base a show on my life. I mean, sure, they may have changed her name to "Sarah" and died her hair blonde, but, seriously, it's completely obvious who the character is based on. I just can't believe I didn't notice I was being watched!



Chuck NBC Full Promo

Breathe

I forgot to tell you how awesome the Xavier Rudd show was the other day weekthe other time.

And it was. Awesome.

But more than that, I came out of the concert remembering and knowing that there is so much more to life than petty concerns and personal grievances.

I'm really lucky to have the life I have, and I love my life.

Thanks for the reminder Mr. Rudd.

Note to Self

Self,
Next summer, you can go ahead and buy the giant box 'o blueberries *and* the giant bag 'o cherries, no problem.
Just don't eat them both on the same day.
Trust me.
Love,
Me